#nct127 fafic

[heartbreaker-johnny]

Countless introduction 1

Summary: Sometimes staying in the same shot for too long takes a toll on you. Sometimes a change in scenery is exactly what you need to fix yourself.

Intro 2

Pairing: Johnny/reader, side character pairings later

A/N: this is my first social media au so I hope everyone likes it!

[heartbreaker-johnny]

Dejection

Warning: death mention

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You sat by the window, watching the rain fall outside. Neither of you had spoken, but the air was thick with tension. He stared at you, waiting, hoping you would at least look at him. Since the accident, you had been the utter definition of miserable. You had cried daily, hadn’t taken care of yourself. Then he came back into your life and made things more complicated. You were elated he was back, he was your soulmate after all, but it didn’t make things better. If anything, it made it worse and you weren’t sure you could take it.

You avoided him, ignored him if he was in the same room. You had even asked him not to share the bed with you. It wasn’t your fault, nor was it his but that didn’t make it any less painful. How was anyone supposed to deal with this situation? It didn’t happen often, hardly ever. What were either of you supposed to do?

“Y/n, please look at me.” He begged you, breaking the silence.

You were reluctant, but eventually granted his wish. Pain and heartbreak painted your face, he’d never seen you so defeated.

“Talk to me.” He said.

“What do you want me to say?” You asked, barely above a whisper.

“Anything. Tell me what you want, tell me what you’re thinking. Tell me you still love me.” He said, sorrowful.

Your eyes began to well up, a habit you had seemed to form over the past few days.

“Of course I still love you. That will never change.” You promised him.

“Then talk to me so we can work this out.” He insisted.

“This isn’t something you can work out Taeil!” You sobbed. “You’re dead! This will never work!”

“Don’t say that.” He said, looking at his own hands. If he could cry, he would be sobbing with you right now. “We’re soulmates, we can make anything work.”

“How is this going to work Taeil? You can’t leave the house, I’m the only one who can see you. You can’t even touch me!”

“ I’m working on that! This is new to me I’ll get the hang of the touching thing.”

“That doesn’t fix anything Taeil!”

You brought your hands to your face, trying to calm yourself but it was no use. Your life was practically over, there was no way you could be calm.

“We can’t be together like this. It’s just not possible.”

“I’ll find a way. I’ll figure out how to come back.” He suggested.

“You can’t come back from death Taeil. The only way for us to be together is if I die too.” You told him.

“I’m not letting that happen.” He said sternly.

“Then we can’t be together. We just can’t.”

You refused to look at him, your heart as heavy as the day he had passed.

He walked over to you, reaching out for your hand. Of course, his hand passed through you, as if to emphasize the truth.

“I won’t give up on us. I refuse to believe this is the end. I’m not leaving. My business will never be finished here. I love you so fucking much.” He swore to you.

You smiled weakly at him, seeing your grin future in his eyes.

“What would make this better right now?” He asked, wanting nothing more than to take your pain away.

“If you could kiss me.”

Taeil felt his heart rip in half. He wanted that too.

A/n: my first angst 😩 don’t worry I have happier stuff coming soon, including more Taeil!~ Taya

[heartbreaker-johnny]

Countless prologue

Summary: Sometimes staying in the same shot for too long takes a toll on you. Sometimes a change in scenery is exactly what you need to fix yourself.

Intro 2 | Next

Pairing: Johnny/reader, side character pairing later

[heartbreaker-johnny]

Fix You (part 4)

pairing- Johnny x original character

rating- NC17 (eventually)

warnings- alcohol, sexual situations, rape mention

genre- smut, angst, fluff

summary- After reconnecting at a party, Johnny is determined to get Jess through her past trauma.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny parked the car in a parking lot in front of a park. It didn't look super familiar but I Knew the area so I was sure I had passed it before. It was on the outskirts of the city, the park was maybe a few yards away from the woods. There was a mulched area with playground equipment immediately in front of us. To the right, the grass started and there was a trail for people to run and walk on. We seemed to be parked at the end of the park and farther out to the right was the rest. There were benches in front of the playground and I could see more along the trail. There were trees all throughout the park, casting shadows as the moon tried to peak through.

I looked over at Johnny, waiting for him to explain why we were here. He shut the car off and leaned back in his seat, his gaze focused on the park.

"This is my special place. It's secluded at night and pretty quiet during the day, except in the summer. I come here a lot when I need to think or just need some time to myself. No one else knows I come here." He said, smiling a little to himself. "This is where I was the night you got your results back."

I slowly looked down at my hands. that night was still fresh in my mind. it was a night filled with both terror and relief.

"I was in such denial that whole week. I hadn't seen him much, the couple times I had, I asked him about it. Told me he didn't remember much. I believed him, I still believe that much. He was so freaked out it was like the world was ending, I guess his was. I just kept being hopeful that it would all go away. Then Doyoung told me you had a rape kit done and the results would be in soon. As soon as I heard that, I started to doubt everything. If it had just been a misunderstanding, you wouldn't be having a rape kit done. Mark wouldn't be absent from practice, Sicheng wouldn't be fighting our teammates."

I looked over at him as he spoke to me. His voice filled with guilt. He stared at the steering wheel, hands still lingering on it.

"The day you were supposed to get the results, I went to the café. I asked Do if Taeil was coming to work that day and he said he was working the night shift. I sat in one of the booths in the back and waited for him. When he got there, I decided I should wait until he was finished with work to ask him. when it was closing time, he came up to me and asked if I needed a ride home. I asked him if he got your results. At first he didn't want to tell me, hospital confidentiality and all that, but I begged him to tell me. I was living with him for fucks sake,  I had to know. He told me what I needed to know and I left. I went home, got my stuff for school and some clothes. I went in his room where he was hiding. He knew about the results, he begged for me to forgive him. I told him I was done with him and that he had two days to get his shit out of the apartment. I put my stuff in my car and drove here. I didn't want to be there while he was there. I would have killed him. I called Ten and asked him if he wanted to move in, he wanted out of his dorm anyway. He said yes, I told him to start moving in in two days. I spent the night here, cried myself to sleep. I didn't go back to the apartment until Ten told me it was safe. I just stayed here. I was heartbroken in so many ways. I didn't know if I could live with myself."

Hearing him pour all this out made my heart break all over again. I felt awful for being mad at him all this time. I knew it was hard on him too, it was hard on all of us. All of our lives had been changed by one night. Of course Johnny wasn't gong to believe that his best friend had done something so fucked up. I wouldn't believe it at first either. I had wasted so much time being mad at him that I could have been loving him.

I reached over and took his hand off the wheel and held it in mine.

"Nothing is your fault. I would have reacted the same way. It's my fault for being so mad at you all that time for nothing. I'm not gonna think about it anymore and I don't want you to either. As far as I'm concerned, it never happened."

He looked over at me and smiled.

"You're way too forgiving" He said.

"should I make you really work for it?" I smirked at him.

He chuckled. "No I'll take this." He turned back to look out at the playground. "Did you ever think we'd be here? Not here at the playground, but with each other, as a couple."

"Mmm, I hoped. To be honest, I never knew you had feelings for me. When I'd catch you looking at me I just thought you were bored or something. I just figured you thought of me as a friend or a sister. Especially when you started dating Wendy." I told him, smirking a bit.

"Ugh. Wendy." He said, throwing his head back into the seat. "That's something I wish I could take back."

"Why?" I asked.  "Didn't you like her?"

"She was cool and all. She was always nice and stuff. I knew she liked me and it was before I knew you had feelings for me too. I figured I should try getting over you, try dating someone else. I figured it was just a crush. I tried really hard to get over it but I just couldn't. That's why I was with her all those months, I figured I just needed time. it didn't matter, I still thought of you all the time. I just felt more guilty about it now that I had a girlfriend. Then I started noticing you looking at me and Sicheng let it slip that you liked me back, I just knew it was over between me and Wendy. I told her I just wasn't into it anymore and she seemed to understand. I think she had a think for Jongdae anyway."

"If Sicheng told you I liked you, why didn't you just ask me out when you broke up with Wendy?" I asked him.

"It would have looked weird. I didn't want her to feel bad if I moved on right away and I didn't want you to doubt my feelings for you. I knew how it would look with me coming right out of a relationship, you would have thought I was a player." He explained.

He had a point. That probably what I would have thought and I would have just turned him down.

"I remember when I first heard you guys were going out. I had heard rumors but Irene told me it was true. She felt bad for me, she knew I liked you. She wasn't sure how to feel since we were friends but Wendy is her best friend. I told her not to worry about it, that I was fine, which wasn't true. I just decided to distance myself from her, figured it would be easier for her. Not that I think Wendy is mean, but I don't think she would have liked it very much if Irene was hanging out with the girl who had a thing for her boyfriend." I smiled bitterly at the friendship I had let fizzle.

"I don't think Wendy would have been pissed, but she did have her moments of insecurity. She used to say all the girls were after me, I don't think that was true. There was definitely more popular guys at that school."

A particular person came to mind at Johnny's statement. He had been so popular with the ladies, yet he never really dated anyone. I wondered just how long he had harbored feelings for me.

"You know Irene has a thing for Taeil?" Johnny chuckled, looking at me.

"Really? How'd you find that out?" I said, surprised.

Irene had already graduated college and was a dental assistant. We hadn't seen much of her since she graduated. Mark was in the same age range as her sister, Joy and her best friend Yeri, so I used to see her every now and then. Our friendship never fully recovered after high school but there for sure was no bad blood.

"Joy spilled it at the party the other night to Doyoung. She saw Taeil walking around and said Irene had the biggest crush on him. She said Irene wouldn't talk to him because she didn't feel like she was in his league." Johnny shook his head.

"Irene said that? She's like the most beautiful girl ever. Well aside form that girl who was a senior when we were freshmen." I said.

"Right? Yoona was like unreal. Don't get me wrong babe, I love you, but I'm quite the fan of Yoona." Johnny teased me.

"So am I. I'd date her. Or Irene for that matter. If Irene told me she liked me I'd go for it for sure. What could she possibly think Taeil's type is?"

"I don't know, but I for sure know he wouldn't turn her down. I mean yeah he's quiet but he's not dumb. He knows a catch when he sees one."

"Hmm. Maybe we should set them up? I do owe Taeil."

"Look at you trying to play cupid." He said, nudging me.

"Hey I can try, it's up to them to make it work." I said, raising my hands defensively.

Johnny just shook his head and laughed at me.

We sat in silence for a few moments, looking out at the playground. I got why Johnny liked to come out here, it was peaceful. I felt special that he brought me out to his special place.

I reached over and grabbed his hand and held it in mine. He looked over at me, almost as if to ask why I did it.

"Thanks for bringing me out here. I know it must have taken a lot to share this with me." I smiled at him.

"I just wanted you to know how serious I am about you. I figured this might help." He smiled back.

"Well I appreciate it. I wish I could show you my special place. It's not exactly available whenever like yours is." I shrugged.

"Can I ask where it is?" He said.

"I know it's not really special or a secret or anything, but its the aquarium. Just something about it really puts me at ease. Really sucks when I'm having a bad night and I can't go there." I rolled my eyes at the ridiculousness.

Johnny smirked to himself, then started laughing a bit.

"What?" I asked, confused. Was it really that funny?

He stopped laughing and turned the car back on.

"Nothing.  I'm gonna show you something, but you have to promise not to freak out." He said.

"Is it bad?" I asked.

"No, quite the opposite. I just don't want you to think of me differently." He explained.

"I'm so confused." I confessed.

"Don't worry, it'll make sense once we're there. Close your eyes, don't open them until I tell you to." He instructed me.

"Johnny, I really don't-"

'Nope! No buts! Just trust me and close your eyes."

I sighed in annoyance but did as I was told.

~~~~~~~~

"Okay, be careful getting out." Johnny said, helping me out of the car.

I still had my eyes closed, still didn't know where we were. I wasn't even sure how long it took us to get here. He grabbed my hand once I was out of the car, and led me somewhere I wasn't sure of. I held his hand tightly, almost completely sure he wasn't about to lead me to my death.

It felt like only mere that we'd walked before he led us to a stop. My heart was beating hard in my chest. I hated surprises. Was this the moment I would find out Johnny was in the mafia? Did he have a secret wife and kids he was about to show me? Was it simply a cute dog? The possibilities were endless.

"Okay, open your eyes." Johnny told me.

(A/N I just realized I'm writing this part while listening to The 7th Sense. Totally by accident but I still died xD)

I slowly opened my eyes, letting them adjust to the light. We were in front of a building, I knew that for sure. Once I could see clearly, I realized where we were. It was the aquarium.

"John, why are we here?" I asked, confused.

"You said it was your special place. So I brought you here." He said, proudly.

"Yeah, but I meant inside the aquarium. It's closed now, doesn't really help." I told him. Wasn't all that obvious?

He reached in his pocket and pulled out a set of keys and held them up for me to see.

"Are...Are those the keys to this place?" I asked, shocked.

"Yup." He beamed.

"Johnny, how did you get those?  Do you work here or something? Won't you be in trouble for being here after hours?" I said, freaking out.

"I kinda, sorta co-own it." He shrugged.

""You what?" I asked, staring at him completely blown away.

"It got to be too much for the owners to handle on their own. They were going to close and the animals would be sent all over the country. I remembered that we came here on a field trip. You just seemed to glow when you were here. I knew you'd be upset if it closed, so I made a deal with the owners." He shrugged.

"How are you able to afford this?" I asked him.

"All the money I get from hockey goes here. My apartment is covered under my scholarship so I don't really have any other expenses." He said.

I turned back to look at the building. This was unreal. My boyfriend co-owned my favorite place and I didn't even know.

"You wanna go inside?" John asked me.

"Is that still allowed?" I asked, worried he'd get in trouble.

"It's not like we're gonna disturb anything. Come on." He said, going to unlock the door.

He led my though the back door so he could put in the code for the security system. We walked through the storage and offices and were finally in with the exhibits. Most of them had the night lights on to simulate nighttime for the animals. It looked so different, almost alarming at night. It was dark, you weren't sure what you might see. Still, we didn't want to turn on the day time light and disturb the animals.

We finally came to one of the bigger exhibits that didn't have night time lights. The water was crystal blue and it was pretty much a giant glass wall for you to see out of. More fish than I could count swam around, living their lives, unaware of the visitors in front of them. Sting rays floated around the bottom and in random places. There were a few small sharks on the bottom of the tank, presumably looking for food. I was in awe of them all, even after being here hundreds of times.

"They're so beautiful." I said, watching the fish swim around.

"They're nothing compared to you." Johnny said, I could feel him looking at me.

I rolled my eyes and stepped closer to the glass.

"I swear it seems like there are always new fish in here every time I come." I said, mostly to myself.

"All the animals here are rescued from failing habitats or zoos that can't care for them anymore. Some are from people who ordered exotic pets and can't care for them. There's new additions all the time. " John informed me.

"Even the sharks and whales?" I asked, curious.

"They usually have something wrong with them that would make it hard for them to live in the wild. Neurological problems, injured fins, saved from whalers or fishermen. Wealthy businessmen assholes who think buying a shark makes them look inferior." Johnny rolled his eyes at the idea.

"That's so cool that they get to live a peaceful life here instead though. They're safe here, they can be themselves. I envy them." I said, getting lost in my own thoughts for a moment.

"Hey," Johnny said, his hand on my hip, pulling me towards him. I hadn't been aware he was so close. "You can always be yourself with me. I'll keep you safe, you can lean on me. You never have to hold anything back, I'm not going anywhere."

I stepped closer to him and placed my arms around his neck, my hands settling in the nape of his neck.

"I know. Thank you. It means more to me than you could imagine." I smiled at him.

He leaned in, closing the space between us and pressing his lips to mine. I gladly welcomed the kiss, my heart feeling fuller than it had in a long time.It was still so unreal to me that this was happening. Here I was, kissing Johnny Seo, in my favorite place, which I could apparently go to whenever, with him of course. Maybe the universe was finally paying me back for dealing me such shit cards up until this point.

Johnny's tongue poked at my lower lip, carefully asking for permission. I granted it to him, completely lost in the moment. His hands gripped at my hips, his thumbs drawing soothing little circles in my skin. I could help but glide my fingers through his hair, melting at the softness. It wasn't long until I felt something press against my pelvis and the kiss had deepened to the point where it wouldn't take much more to get me moaning.

I pulled back, much to his disappointment, and tried quickly to catch my breath.

"We should stop." I said, resting my forehead on  his.

"Sorry." He said, shyly.

"Don't be, I liked it. I just know if it continued, I'd want more than just kissing. It's too soon for that. And definitely not the right place." I smirked at him.

He laughed at me, then placed a chaste kiss on my forehead.

"We should get you home. I'm sure Mark is waiting up. " He smiled at me.

"Ugh, answering to my little brother now. So not my style." I grimaced.

"Maybe you should let him take care of you a bit. You've been taking care of him for so long." He said, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

"Trust me, he's been taking care of me plenty. I need to set the roles straight again. Let's go before he starts blowing up our phones." I rolled my eyes in annoyance.

"Yes ma'am." He said, pulling me away from my paradise.

"Hey," I said as we were walking. "Thank you for this. It's perfect and I needed it. I needed you."

"You got me babe." He smiled.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We pulled up to my house to find Mark, sitting there on the front steps, waiting for us.

"I can't believe him." Shaking my head at my brother.

"He's probably just worried. This is new for him too. If I were I'm, I would not only be waiting up but I'd probably be blowing up your phone too." Johnny empathized.

"Yeah, well I'm sure it was coming." I said bitterly.

John laughed at me.

"Come on, I'll walk you to the door." He said, getting gout.

We walked up to the stairs, Mark getting up at the sight of us.

"I told you not to wait up." I glared at him.

"Yeah well, I couldn't sleep. Sue me." He glared back.

I rolled my eyes at him and turned back to Johnny.

"I had a good time tonight. Thank you." I smiled at him.

"Anytime. Go get some sleep. Text me when you're up, okay?" He smiled sweetly back.

I nodded, then reached up to give him a quick but meaningful kiss. I gave him once last look over, before turning and going up the stairs.

"I'll be in in a minute." Mark told me.

I simply rolled my eyes at him, and walked inside.

3rd Person POV

---------------------------------------

"What are you doing, man?" Mark asked Johnny, as soon as he heard the front door close.

"What? "Johnny scoffed.

"You really think this is a good idea? You think she's ready for this?" MArk questioned the tall boy.

"That's kinda up to her isn't it?" Johnny shot back.

"Don't fuck with me John. You know how serious this is. She's been hld up in this house because of the last guy who had a thing for her, you really think this is what she means?

"Whoa, okay first of all, don't EVER compare me to that pig. Second, I don't just have a thing for her. I love her, you know that. I thought you were okay with this, what's the problem?"

"I never said I was okay with it, I just needed time to process it.  I don't have a problem with you John, I'm just looking after my sister. I can't watch her go through  hell again. I've seen it too many times. "

"Look dude, I know you're just being protective, I get that. But I never, ever want to hurt her. when she went through hell, so did I. You have no idea what it was like for me to see her like that."

"I have an idea."

Johnny sighed and stepped a bit closer to his teammate.

"Mark, you can trust me with her. I finally have a chance with her and I don't intend on fucking it up." Johnny promised him.

Mark sighed loudly, finally succumbing to the situation.

Just make her happy, alright? I just want her happy." Mark said.

"You have my word." Johnny promised him.

------------------------------------------------------

Mark entered the kitchen as I was finishing my glass of apple juice, preparing to head upstairs.

"You scare him off?" I asked my brother, irritated by his actions.

"We just talked. Which is what I wanna do with you." He said, standing across the island from me.

"Jesus Mark, can't you leave well enough alone?" I said, slamming my glass back on the counter.

"Jess, I just want you to make sure you're moving at a pace that's best for you. I know you like Johnny and that's fine, but I don't want you to rush into things. If you're not ready, he'll wait, trust me."

"Mark, I am ready. Trust ME. I so tired of being stuck her and being afraid of any person who simple looks at me. Johnny makes me feel safe. When I'm with him I feel like myself again. For the first time in a year I feel like I can breath, I'm happy. And I don't just like him, I love him. I have since I was fifteen."

Mark nodded, letting my words sink in before speaking again.

"Okay. I trust you. But if he so much as pisses you off or causes an argument, I will destroy him and I'll get Lucas to help." He warned me.

"Thank you. And Lucas? Please do not use him to defend my honor. Call Sicheng to Jeno instead." I said, walking off to my room.

"Hey Lucas is crazy, he'd be helpful." My brother called after me.

I scoffed.

"Yeah, only if you wanna get killed too."

[heartbreaker-johnny]

Fix You (part 3)

pairing- Johnny x original character

rating- NC17 (eventually)

warnings- alcohol, sexual situations, rape mention

genre- smut, angst, fluff

summary- After reconnecting at a party, Johnny is determined to get Jess through her past trauma.

A/N: So sorry it took so long to get this up! we had a power line cut on our street after a storm so it took a few days to get it all fixed~Taya

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Do you not know how to answer a damn phone?" Jennie asked, slamming her tray on the picnic table.

"Hello to you too." Kun said before taking a bite of his lunch.

"Oh don't even." She glared back at him.

"Where were you last night?" I asked him, taking my seat next to Jennie, across from Kun.

"Grading finals for one of my professors." He said, his attention turning back to his bento box.

"Is that legal?" I asked him.

"It wasn't the real final. They had that last week. This was an extra final for extra credit, in case they flunked the real one." He shrugged.

Kun was a teaching assistant for more than one professor and was usually weeks ahead of the rest of the class. He preferred to have all of his assignments given to him ahead of time. He still paid attention during lectures but he usually did fine on his own. It annoyed some people but they sure do go to him real fast when they fall behind.

"Well you sure did miss one hell of a party. Nothing wild but it sure was interesting." Jennie said, almost laughing.

"Oh yeah? Why, did you finally get the balls to talk to Yuta?" Kun asked her.

"Well yeah, that was the whole reason I went." Jennie said, rolling her eyes.

"And? Did you finally score a date?" He asked, another spoonful of rice going into his mouth.

"No, but Jess did." Jennie said, turning towards me with a smirk.

I could feel my face flaming up as I glared back at her.

Kun stopped chewing, his brows furrowing together. His eyes shifted back and forth between me and Jennie, waiting for one of us to start laughing I assumed.

"Come again?" He said, confused.

"Jess and Johnny are dating. He asked her last night at the party." Jennie informed him.

Kun looked at me for a minute, then resumed chewing slowly. After he swallowed, he took another minute before he spoke again.

"You're dating...a person...Johnny...Johnny Seo." He said.  

I nodded, looking at my food.

"Explain." He said, crossing his arms.

I told him everything Johnny had told me last night and how I had been feeling all the same things before last year. I could see where it all seemed rushed, but for people who knew Johnny and I longer like Sicheng (he was an exchange student before he moved here permanently)and Jennie, it made perfect sense. Kun had only known us for two years an tended to distance himself from the friend group, so he didn't know Johnny super well. I wasn't surprised that he seemed skeptical of the situation.

"You're sure about this? He didn't pressure you into this at all?" he asked me.

"No, of course not. He's not like that. Honestly, this is the first thing I've been unafraid about in a year. I mean yeah, I'm scared and nervous about it but I think it's more because I've liked him for so long and it's finally happening and I'm afraid I'll mess it up." I explained to him.

"You're not gonna mess it up. Johnny is already so in love with you, there's like nothing you could do wrong. To be honest, the guys used to have a bet going on how long it would take you guys to get together." Jennie said, taking a bite of her sandwich.

"What? Who did? When?" I said, getting pissed off.

"Ten, Doyoung, Jongin, Baekhyun. No money was ever placed on it, I think they traded snacks or something. They played it week by week. I think Jaehyun and Sicheng even got in on it a couple times. It was freshmen year, it ended after Baek moved. They were all so sure that college would finally bring it out of you guys." She said.

"Idiots," I mumbled, shuffling around my food.

"Look, if this is something you want then I'm glad you're happy. Just, be careful. I know you're smart, just, guys can be assholes." Kun told me, a stern look on his face.

"I know. I'll be okay. Thanks Teddy." I said, using my nickname for him.

"I'll fucking destroy him if he hurts you." Kun promised.

"Get in line." I chuckled.

"There's a spot behind me and Mark, though you might have to fight Sicheng for it." Jennie told him.

"I'm more threatened by a twig. Oh wait, I think they're the same thing. " He said.

"Idiots," I repeated.

I had Jennie drop me off at the ice arena just before the end of practice. Johnny had asked me last night to stop by and that we could go on a date afterwards. I had some school stuff to do so I couldn't make it to the whole thing but I figured I could at least show up for the last bit. Besides, it had been so long since I had been, I kind've missed it. Okay, I missed it a lot, but I was biased. I grew up with hockey, being without it for so long felt wrong.

I walked into the practice arena and sat on the bench behind where the players sit between plays. I immediately looked for the boys I knew on the team. Every year the lineup was eligible to change, the age ranged from 17 to 25 so there were all kinds of boys from all over on the team. Sicheng was the first one I was able to spot. He was wearing an away jersey and was on the ice. He had joined the team when he started college, having played in China. He was nervous about playing as an exchange student, but now that he lived here, he wanted nothing more than to be back at the sport.

The second person I spotted was Mark. He was wearing his home jersey, playing against Sichengs team. HIs skating seemed sharper than the last time I saw him. I knew he had been practicing harder this past year, letting his anger and frustrations out through the sport. It seemed to have paid off, they made it to play offs last year, They didn't advance to the finals and Mark and the boys took it pretty hard. I blamed myself for missing most of the season. It seemed now Mark was determined to not make a repeat of last year.

Jaemin was standing in front of the players bench, waiting for his turn to get on the ice. He was one of Marks friends who was going to be a freshman next year. He had been playing hockey as long as Mark and it was actually how they met. They often practiced drills in our basement or in our driveway, my dad and been their little coach. They had another friend, Jeno, who sadly just missed the cut off to join the team. He had shown interest in joining since he was 15 and since Mark and Jaemin had been playing their whole lives, they took it upon themselves to get him up to their level. He would be trying out for the team next year, they were excited to finally have the three of them on an official team together.

As I was looking at the other players next to where Jaemin was, someone on Marks team was slammed into the glass, making me jump. I looked over to see Johnny, holding the player to the glass for a moment, letting his teammate pass him with the puck. Johnny had always been an aggressive player, like Mark. They didn't fight often like Lucas ( who was currently off the team due to an injury he had sustained during preseason. He still hadn't been cleared to play again due to the nature of his skull fracture, not that he was that great of a player that they needed him back right away.) but they were usually the first to jump to other teammates defense when they fought. They weren't afraid to play a bit aggressive and Johnny was easily fastest skater on the team. I had always loved watching him during games, it was like he was in a different world. Even thought hockey was not a graceful and easy sport, that was exactly how Johnny made it look.

"Hey Jess!" A voice snapped me out of my daze. I looked over to see the equipment manager, Jungwoo standing next to me. "It's been a while."

I smiled brightly at him, not realizing how much I had missed his shinning face. Jungwoo was one of the sweetest souls I had ever met. He had been the teams equipment manager since he was a freshman in high school. He had a heart defect which made it impossible to play, so he opted to just work for the team instead. His brother had played for the team for a few years and had played on minor leagues like Mark, so Jungwoo grew up around hockey. He probably knew more about the sport that most professionals. It was heartbreaking that he couldn't play the sport he loved so much, but he never let that stop him from supporting the team, even despite his busy work schedule at a preschool. After what happened last year, Mark had told him I wouldn't be coming to anymore games or practices. It was too much for me to be out in public, around so much loud music and so many people. I had given Mark permission to tell him what happened, knowing that something like that was safe with Jungwoo and knowing that he would worry if I just disappeared. The next day he had sent a huge bouquet of tulips and a little stuffed kitten with a note saying 'you are beautiful, you are wonderful, you are loved. Always in my prayers, Jungwoo'. I wasn't religious and he wasn't extremely into it either, but reading that had just made me bawl at just how precious Jungwoo was.

"Hey Jung." I said to him as he sat down next to me. "How have you been?"

"Pretty good. Just finished my online schooling so I am officially licensed to run a preschool." He beamed with pride.

"That's great Jung! Are you going to look for a place to start one?" I asked him.

"Nah. I love where I am right now. The teachers I work with are really great, I don't see a point in leaving. It's just good to know that if something does happen, I can easily get a new job."

"Ahh, always one step ahead. I wish I was more like that." I chuckled.

"How about you? I was surprised to hear you were coming today. Seemed like Mark couldn't believe it either." He laughed.

"I'm good. I'm doing much better. I think I'm finally getting back to feeling like myself. I can go to the grocery store without having a panic attack so I'll take that as progress." I shrugged.

"I heard Mark and Sicheng talking about a party last night that you went to. Everything go okay? I know that must have been a lot for you." He asked, concern on his face.

"I was anxious at first but once I was there for a bit and realized most of my fears were irrational, I was okay. Honestly, school is more dangerous. I was in a place where I knew most of the people there and I knew the venue and all so I had no real reason to be scared. I know that it's still gonna be like that for a bit at first, you know while I'm getting used to being back out and all. But I just don't wanna hold myself back anymore. It's exhausting." I said, relieved to tell someone how I was feeling. Sure I could be this honest with some of my friends, but they still had this level of worry and doubt around me that Jungwoo never had. He always saw me as someone strong. Even when others admitted that I was weak and that was okay. When others wondered if I would be okay, Jungwoo knew I would make it and he proved it through his texts of encouragement every few weeks, which I replied to with a simple heart emoji.

"I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. I knew you would someday." He smiled big.

"Thank you for always being so supportive. I know I should have sent more than a stupid heart, especially after those flowers you sent me. I just didn't know what to say. My friends were supportive too, but in a way that they distracted me and I didn't have to think about it. But your words let me think about how I could move on from it. I read those texts on days when I was really bad and no one else could seem to help. I just wanted you to know how much I appreciated that you didn't treat me differently and just wanted me to be positive."

"I just wanted you to know that what happened didn't have to change you as a person. I mean of course it was going to change you, but the great things about you didn't have to change. I knew that people were going to tell you all the time that it was okay to be weak and it is, but I just wanted you to know you could feel strong too. You didn't have to feel like there was a certain amount of time you had to take before feeling good again. You never changed in my eyes."

"You're a good friend Jung." I said, before turning my eyes back to the practice. "You know, I kept that note. I even have the kitten on my nightstand next to my bed. It's comforting."

"I'm glad." He said, looking out at the boys. "So you and Johnny huh?"

I looked back at him, questioning how he found out so fast.

"He was pretty excited about you coming today. It was like it was Christmas and you were santa claus."

I blushed, looking back out to the ice to see the boys changing lineup.

"I know it's kinda sudden, but I feel good about it." I said, honestly.

"I'm happy you guys finally made it to each other. He's only been pining after you for forever." He rolled his eyes, something I was sure I had never seen him do.

"So I've heard." I chuckled.

"I don't think coach will be too happy about it though. Just means those looks he steals of you are gonna be more frequent." He smirked.

"Maybe I'll just stay home then, to keep him focused." I said.

"Don't, do that, he's like a love sick puppy. He'll be so sad if you don't come. Don't hurt the puppy." Jungwoo pouted.

I laughed at the sudden cuteness, wondering if this was the first time I had laughed like this in a while or if I had just been in a daze and not registered other times.

"Okay, I'll do it because you asked so nicely."

He beamed brightly again before standing up.

"I should get back to work. It was great to see you again Jess." He said and started to walk off.

"Hey Jung!" I called after him, making him turn around. " We never hang out outside of here. You've been my friend for so long, I feel like I've been keeping you a secret. Would you want to hang out with me sometime? Sicheng could come and I think you would really get along with my friend Kun."

"Sure, I'd love to. Just text me when you're free and I'll make some time." He smiled sweetly.

"Sounds good, I'll text you soon!"

He gave me a little wave, before heading off to finish his work.

The buzzer went off, signaling that it was the end of practice. The boys went to the middle of the ice and had their huddle before heading off to the locker room. Mark skated over to where I was and leaned against the glass.

"Do you want me to take you home or are you gonna wait for Johnny?" He asked me.

"I'm gonna wait for him. I think he had plans for us after this." I told him.

"Okay, call me if you need anything. Text me when you're on your way home, I'll leave the door unlocked." He said.

"Oaky. I won't be out late." I assured him before he skated off to change.  

I played on my phone while waiting for Johnny to come out of the locker room. I checked my sns, something I hadn't used much of the past year. I went on to keep up with others, share memes I found on facebook. I think the only things I had put on my instagram the past year had been birthday shout outs to my friends. I hadn't really posted anything personal since last November. Nothing really happened to me worth posting anymore. I had a feeling with Johnny being around now and me deciding to be more social, that that would be changing.

"There she is!" Johnny's voice drew me away from my phone to see him coming down the steps to my bench.  "I was afraid you weren't gonna show up."

"Really? From what I heard you wouldn't shut up about me coming." I smirked at him.

"Ooohh, already talking about me behind my back. This relationship is off to a great start." He said, setting his bag down next to me.

"I don't know if that really counts as talking about you behind your back." I said as he sat down next to me.

"I wasn't here so doesn't that count?" He asked.

"I think it only counts if I was talking shit, which I wasn't." I pointed out.

"Oh, well I guess all is forgiven then." He smirked and took my hand in his. "You wanna skate? We have some time before the Zamboni comes out."

" Oh god, I haven't been on skates in so long. I'm not sure I even remember how. I wasn't very good." I cringed, recalling my poor ice skating skills.

"How do you forget how to skate when you have a brother who plays hockey?" He asked.

"I think the last time I was on skates was before my parents died. We all took a trip to the rink for fun. Mark got annoyed since all he ever did was skate." I chuckled at the memory.

"I don't think I've ever heard you guys talk about them." Johnny said, tightening his grip on my hand.

"Mark doesn't like to think about it." I told him.

"Does he blame himself?"

"No, it's wasn't his fault. They had gone out for their monthly date night. When they were coming home, a drunk driver hit them and slammed the car into a tree. My dad died on impact, my mom passed in the hospital later."

"I remember when you guys missed school. Jennie told us what happened and why Rose was at your house all the time. That was when Taeil was doing his internship or whatever at the hospital. He was there when they brought your mom in right?"

I nodded.

"I was so relieved to see someone we knew taking care of her. He wasn't allowed to do much since it wasn't his doctors case but he did what he could. Taeil's always been my hero I guess."

"Do you visit their graves?"

"On the anniversary and their birthdays. We even go on their wedding day. Sometimes I go by myself. Mark can't really stomach it yet. He and my dad were really close. He wanted to quit hockey at first, said it didn't feel right to play if my dad wasn't there to watch. I told him Dad wouldn't want him to quit. He'd be so mad if he was gonna quit because of him. He'd say 'after all that work we put in, you're going to give up because I'm not in the stands? You're going to give up your dream of playing on a team with Patrick Kane because I kicked the bucket?' He plays now to stay closer to dad. I went to his games to fill the spot. I've kinda been slacking on that, huh?"

"You can always make up for lost time." He smiled at me. "How did you guys manage to get through school and everything with out the law coming in? We were worried they'd put you guys in foster care."

"Our Aunt was given guardianship at first. She was literally getting ready to move across the country and she gave us the option of going with her or staying here since I was gonna be 18 in a few months. We didn't even think twice before telling her we were staying here. We weren't gonna have anyone check in on us or anything so she moved, we stayed here and then when I turned 18 the house was granted to me like it said in the will and my aunt handed over guardianship of Mark."

"So is she like paying for your house?"

"Our parents had taken out life insurance policies on themselves. It all went to me, it was like they knew they were going to pass before we graduated high school. We already had college funds set up that our parents and grandparents put money into. That on top of when you guys raised all that Mark to go to school here and the money they pay him, we have enough to cover what we need. Our aunt still sends us money for our birthdays and Christmas and stuff."

"No wonder you're so strong. You've been taking care of yourself and Mark way before you had to."

"What else was I gonna do? We weren't gonna leave here or be separated. We've been through so much shit, seems like we can never catch a break."

I laughed bitterly at the series of events that seemed to be my life. I somehow felt like maybe I brought it on myself. Maybe I was never destined to have a happy life. Maybe I had to take the bad stuff. I had decided long ago that if me taking all the bad and hard stuff meant that Mark didn't have to, then I'd take it all.

"Well," He said, turning my face to look at him. "For what it's worth, I think you've gone a fantastic job at taking care of yourself and Mark. I know if it was me, I couldn't do it. Mark turned out pretty great. You turned out okay too."

I rolled my eyes.

"I can't seem to keep myself out of tragedy."

"I's only a tragedy if you let it be babe."

The sound of a machine turned our attention to the ice. The Zamboni was coming out, preparing to turn the ice back into it's glossy state.

"Hey," Johnny said, my attention back on him. "I wanna show you something."

He pulled me up so I was standing up and he grabbed his gym bag off the floor.

"Is this the part where you take me to a back alley to murder me and stuff my body into your bag?" I asked him with a smile.

"Babe, if I was gonna murder you don't you think I would have done it years ago?" He teased me. "Besides, I'd never stuff you in my bag. I'd put you in a barrel of acid Jeffery Dahmer style.

"I like your style Mr. Seo." I laughed and let him lead me out of the building.

[heartbreaker-johnny]

Fix You (part 2)

pairing- Johnny x original character

rating- NC17 (eventually)

warnings- alcohol, sexual situations, rape mention

genre- smut, angst, fluff

summary- After reconnecting at a party, Johnny is determined to get Jess through her past trauma.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I walked through the living room, moving in between bodies, looking for my brother. I saw that Jennie was still talking to Yuta, though she now had a drink in her hand and Sicheng was gone. After looking around for a bit, I decided to check the rest of the house. The kitchen was just off of the living room so I started there.

The kitchen table was covered in bowls of snacks, plates, napkins and underneath was a cooler which I assumed held ice. The counter had a bowl of punch, bottles of varies alcohol and stacks of empty cups. There were only a couple people in there, none of them Mark. I was about to turn and walk out of the room when someone gently touched my arm. I turned around to see Jaehyun standing there with a soft smile.

"Hey," He said, his voice automatically soothing me. "Didn't expect to see you here."

"I wasn't expecting to come. It was kind of a last minute decision." I smiled back at him.

It had been a while since I'd really talked or hung out with Jaehyun. We had been closer before last year, but since then I really only spoke to Kun, Sicheng, Jennie and Rose. Most people understood, they didn't push it. Doyoung had told me he would probably react the same way and to take my time coming back to things. I still spoke to everyone in class. I sat next to Jaehyun in my longest class of the day, he seemed content with my lack of communication. I tried my best and he seemed perfectly okay with that. This was really the first time most people were seeing me outside of class.

"Yeah I saw Jennie with Yuta. She finally decided to take the next step huh?" He chuckled.

"Only if I came with her. Not that I'm a great help." I rolled my eyes.

"How are you, by the way? You know, with being out." He asked.

"I'm...okay I think. Still pretty anxious about it." I said, shifting my weight.

"If it makes you feel any better, everyone here knows Doyoung. He doesn't let strangers into his parties anymore." Jae informed me.

"Strangers weren't the problem." I reminded him.

"It's a start though right? In making everyone feel safe?"

"I guess. I feel bad that he changed his party rules because of me though. It's not like I'm going to frequent them."

"It wasn't your fault. And it was his choice, he wanted it that way. Do felt really guilty about the whole thing. He just didn't want it to happen again. So now, everyone he invites to his party is someone he knows, and if they plan on bringing a date they have to tell him who they are. He runs background checks on them, but you didn't hear that from me."

Of course Doyoung felt guilty. It happened at his party. I knew he was just trying to make everyone feel safe at parties again, but I felt awful that it was because of me.

"I guess if it makes him feel like he's doing the right thing." I shrugged.

"Jess, what happened last year...I should have stepped in. I shouldn't have left you by yourself." He said, obviously disappointed in himself.

"Jae, you went to the bathroom." I reminded him.

"Yeah but I shouldn't have been gone for so long." He said.

"There was a line, you didn't really have a choice."

"I could have waited. I knew he was looking at you all night, I should have stayed with you or I should have gone looking for you. When Jongin said you went of with him I should have done something. I just didn't want you to be mad at me. I didn't want you to think that I thought you couldn't take care of yourself."

"Jae...why are you telling me all this now? Why not sooner?"

"I wanted to give you your space. I didn't want bring it up again before you were okay with talking about it."

"Jae, it wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault but his. It took therapy for me to realize that but I finally did. I just want to move on from it. I don't want to be scared anymore. This wasn't exactly the way I wanted to take those first steps, but I'll make the best of it."

He smiled at my statement, making me smile too.

"I'll help you take whatever steps I can." He promised.

"Thanks Jae." I said. "I need to go find my brother, so I'll catch up with you later."

He nodded and stepped aside to let me leave.

I left the kitchen and decided to check the backyard before I went anywhere else. I walked out the back door to see Mark leaning against the house, a beer bottle in his hand.

"Finally! I've been looking for you." I said walking up to him. "Why are you out here?"

"Too hot in there. Plus, I had to follow Lucas, make sure he didn't get in trouble." He said, nodding in the direction of his friend.

On the other side of the patio was Lucas, flirting with a possibly drunk Yeri (Taeil's sister and a freshmen) and Joy(another freshmen with Mark). Lucas was very obviously tipsy.

"Why am I not surprised?" I cringed.

"I saw Sicheng was here. Did you talk to him?" Mark asked me, taking a sip of his beer.

"Yeah, when we first got here. He's keeping an eye on Yuta, not that he'll need it with Jennie around." I rolled my eyes.

"He's just being a good friend." Mark shrugged.

"Yeah I know. I talked to Taeil too." I said, crossing my arms and leaning against the house.

"Taeil? He's here?"

"Yeah. Kinda staying out of the way I think."

"Sounds like Taeil."

"He said he talked to him. Told Taeil he was leaving town."

"why would he tell you that?"

"He thought it might make me feel better, safer."

"Does it?"

I shrugged. I still didn't know how that information made me feel. I didn't feel safer because I didn't think he was going to do it again. I was more afraid that anyone would do it again. Did I feel better about never having to see him again? Sure. But did I feel guilty about that too? Yes.

Lucas and the girls walked up to us, the girls smiling at me before heading inside.

"We're gonna go get more drinks." Lucas told us before following the girls.

"I'm sure he'll be fun to take care of later." I smirked at my brother.

"Yeah well I'm not letting his ass get drunk. I'm not baby sitting him tonight." Mark said, taking another sip of his beverage.

"You kinda already are." I pointed out. "How many of those have you had anyway?"

"Just this one. Someone has to stay sober so we get home." He said.

"Well I'm not drinking so if you want to let lose you can." I told him.

"I'm good. Didn't feel like drinking tonight anyway. Just kinda helps when you're dealing with Lucas." He shrugged.

"You know, if you don't like him you don't have to be friends with him." I said.

"Nah it's not like that. He's fine. The guys like hm too, especially Chenle. He can just be extra sometimes, too extra. It's who he is though, can't be mad at him for it." He smiled.

"Since when did you become such a good person?" I smiled back at him.

"Oh what, like I was a bad person?" He shot back.

"Hey guys, were all gonna play a game. Come on!" Lucas said, hanging out of the doorway.

We both groaned but followed Lucas inside, curious as to what everyone was up to.

We walked into the living room to see everyone gathered there. There weren't as many people in there as there had been when we had arrived, I assumed some had left. I looked around the room for my friends, only to have my search stopped. Standing in the corner where Yuta and Jennie had been, was Ten and Johnny. Johnny's eyes met mine and I knew I was fucked.

I had known Johnny and Ten before college. Ten had moved from Thailand our junior year and joined the dance team with Johnny and Jennie. Johnny also played hockey with Mark on the local semi pro team. We all used to hang out until we got to college and our own friend groups formed. We were still pretty good friends until last year. After the incident and the aftermath, it didn't matter how much time I gave it, I still didn't want to see Johnny. I avoided him like the plague. He had hurt me deeply and I couldn't move passed it.

At first, Ten tried to be the mediator in the situation. It wasn't long before he realized it was pointless and it was better just to stick with Johnny. I was never mad at Ten but I just didn't want to be around Johnny's best friend. He understood and kept himself away for the most part. We spoke every now and then but it was only for a few minutes, then we went our separate ways.

I made it clear to everyone that if they still wanted to be friends with Johnny and Ten that I didn't care. I wasn't going to be that person who made their friends take sides. As far as I knew, no other friendships had been affected. Mark was even still playing hockey with Johnny and stayed at his apartment sometimes. I was the only one affected and I was honestly okay with that.

Johnny's eyes were staring into mine, I felt like he was staring into my soul. He looked almost sad, like he didn't want to be there in the first place. I hadn't seen him in months, I had even been avoiding going to Mark's games. I wouldn't lie, he looked good. His hair was brown again and longer than it had been the last time I  had seen him. he always did like to keep it a bit longer than most. He was wearing a stripped shirt and a jean jacket (he had a lot of jean jackets and hoodies) along with some jeans. I wouldn't lie, I had had a crush on Johnny before and had never pursued it. Looking at him now just reminded me why. He was gorgeous. He was also a generally good guy, at least he used to be.

I quickly looked away from him and back to Doyoung who was now in the middle of the room, holding a hat.

"So Ten said it's not a party without a party without a party game. I let Yeri pick what game to pick and she picked 7 Minutes In Heaven. She also asked that we make it 11 minutes instead. So I went around and got everyone's name on a piece of paper and put them all in this hat." Doyoung explained.

He never got my name so I assumed I was safe from the stupidity that was this game.

"I'll pick two names out of the hat, those two people have to go in the closet for 11 minutes. Nothing sexual has to be done. Anything that happens in there has to be consensual and something goes down in there, the safe word is Umbrella, we'll let you out. You only get one veto to a person and it has to be for a good reason, like you're related or something."

Everyone seemed to agree with the terms and Doyoung put his hand in the hat to draw the names.

"Okay the first two in the closet are...Johnny!"

I snuck a look over at Johnny to see him roll his eyes and look annoyed.

"Aaaand....Jess?"

It seemed like the universe really had a good sense of humor.

"What the hell?" I heard Jennie say from across the room.

"Did you put her name in there?" Mark asked Doyoung, clearly pissed off.

"Of course not!" Doyoung said, getting pissed as well.

"I did. He said he wanted everyone's names so I put both of yours in there. what's the problem?" Lucas said from the kitchen doorway.

I rubbed my temples. Of course it was Lucas.

"what the hell is wrong with you?" Mark said, pulling his friend away to talk to him.

"Jess, you don't have to do this. You can veto." Doyoung told me.

If I vetoed Johnny my name might go back in the hat. At least if I got Johnny, I knew nothing would happen. What if I got someone else, someone who tried something? If I backed out completely, the whole part would think I was a buzz kill. More than that, I would always be seen as the girl who couldn't have fun because of her past.

"No it's fine. Let's just do this. " I said and walked over to the closet.

Johnny, Doyoung and Sicheng followed me to the closet, Johnny the only one who looked like he didn't want to be there.

"You're sure about this?" Doyoung asked.

"It's fine. I trust him." I said, Johnny looked away.

"Just say the word and you can come out early." Doyoung promised.

I nodded and Johnny and I stepped in the closet.

"I'll go find Mark, make sure he hasn't killed Lucas." Sicheng said. "Be careful." He glared at Johnny a bit, who didn't even look at him, and then walked away.

"I'll be right outside." Doyoung said.

I nodded, then he closed the door.

I went to the other side of the closet and leaned against the wall, my arms crossed over my chest, holding myself together, just waiting for this to be over. It was only silent for maybe a minute, that felt like forever, before Johnny broke it.

"You just gonna hate me forever?" He asked, this voice curious and hurt.

I looked at him to see him looking at me, his eyes studying me, arms crossed over his chest. I knew he was upset. I knew he had been upset this whole time. I just didn't care, he hurt me. His feelings didn't matter anymore.

"I never hated you." I said quietly and honestly.

"You just really disliked me." he said.

I didn't say anything, I just looked at my shoes.

"Jess...I know I hurt you. I know what I did, I can never take back. I just didn't know what to do. I mean, who wants to believe their best friend is a rapist? And to make it worse, it was the girl you like. I mean I knew he liked you too, but still."

I slowly looked up at him, surprised by his words. what did he mean 'the girl he liked'? He had never said anything about that to me before. I knew I hadn't told him about my feelings either but I never pegged Johnny as the type to keep his feelings a secret.

"I just didn't know what to do. I wanted so badly to believe him but when Taeil told me that you were telling the truth...I felt like such an asshole. I should have been there with you. I should have believed you from day one. I'm so sorry Jess." He said. He was 100% sincere, I knew it.

"Do you still talk to him?" I asked, curious.

"Of course not! I dropped him as soon as I found out. Threatened to kill him if I ever saw him again. I wanted to hit him, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. " He said, his head hung low.

"Understandable. He was your best friend." I said.

"Doesn't matter. He  deserved it."

"He's not a bad person Johnny. He was drunk and emotional."

"Don't make excuses for him."

"I'm not. I never would. I'm just saying."

It killed me that no matter how badly that man had hurt me, I still didn't think he deserved all this hate. He had been such a sweetheart. He just fucked up, so badly. Now his life was ruined. Because of me.

"Jess," I looked up to see Johnny just a step away from me. "I'll never forgive myself for not being there. But if you give me the chance now, I'll spend every day trying to make it up to you."

"John, what are you talking about?" I asked, so damn nervous.

"I've been in love with you since high school. At first I didn't think you felt the same way. But I caught you staring at me a few times and I knew you did." He smiled and I looked away, cheeks flaming up. "I was stupid and thought I should focus on my schooling first. I thought I should prove that I was worth it. But you already thought I was. I was stupid not to go for you sooner. But this past year has made me realize how much I love you and how much I want you."

He took my hand in his and touched my cheek. I could feel myself shaking and he gripped my hand harder.

"John, think about what you're saying. I'm broken, damaged. I'm not easy to love right now." I told him.

"I don't care. I'll help put you back together. I'll fix you. I just don't want to watch you hurt anymore. You deserve to be told how amazing and beautiful and wonderful you are, every day. I want to be the person to do that.

I couldn't form any words. I just looked up at him, not sure what to say.

"Tell me you don't want me and I'll walk away right now." He said.

It didn't matter that this whole year, I had been mad at him. It didn't matter that I had wanted nothing to do with him. I still had feelings for him. I still wanted to be with him. I was scared as hell to be with anyone, but the one man I trusted as much as my own brother was Johnny. It had always been like that. That's why I was so hurt that he didn't believe me at first. The man I was most likely in love with didn't have my back. But now here he was, admitting he fucked up and and asking for a second chance.

"I...I can't" I admitted softly.

"I didn't think so." He smiled.

His face inched closer to mine, I could feel his breath on my lips. My heart was begging to be let out of my chest, it was almost painful. I was the one gripping his hand tightly now.

"Jess," He almost whispered. "Can I kiss you?"

I thought my knees would give out, my heart literally skipped a beat. what was happening to me?

"Yes." I whispered.

When his lips touched mine, it was as if I had been struck by lightning. My mind went blank, I forgot where I was. I could only focus on the feeling of his lips on mine. I felt dizzy and desperately needed air but I felt like if he stopped kissing me I would die. Was this what I was missing in being with him? This was what I was so afraid to have? Now that I had tasted it, I didn't know if I could ever stop. I didn't want to. I needed this, god did I need this. I needed him.

I pulled back, gasping desperately for air. He smiled at me, resting his forehead on mine.

"Be mine." He said. "For the love of god, please be mine."

I didn't speak for a few moments. I took my time getting my thoughts and breathing in order before I answered him. I had to be sure I was doing what I wanted, what I needed. Then finally. I squeezed his hand.

"okay." I said. "But take it easy on me. This is a lot for me, I might be hard to deal with."

"It's okay. You're worth it. we'll get through it together. like I said, I'll fix you." He smiled at me.

"Jess? Times up, are you okay to come out?" Doyoung asked outside the door.

"Yeah!" I called to him. "This should be interesting." I said to Johnny.

"I'll be right next to you." He promised.