#naturally i’m still very stressed out by the thought of paying for a holiday i won’t be able to go on 😄😄

[chilwcll]

do we think if the place i wanted to go on holiday to soon is affected by wildfires right now i’ll get my money back? 😄😄😄

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, JUNE 30, 1997 As a kid, my favorite day of the week used to be Friday, cuz that would be the last day of school. Now, though, my favorite day is Monday, cuz it’s the start of 5 days of peace. Not that it’s been noisy on weekends, but you never do know, so that’s why weekends are a bit more stressful for me. Next weekend is the 4th of July holiday weekend, so I can only imagine just what might transpire next door.

Woke up at 104 today, but my metabolism is still slow.

I’m getting good color, going swimming just about every day and the patio looks better, too. I’ve decided that at least for a while, I’d just give the birds the heels of our loaves of bread, rather than seed regularly too, to try to reduce their hanging out on the patio so much.

I just tried calling Kim, who said she got in a car accident and that her car was pretty much totaled, but she’s OK. Thank God she’s OK, but what is it with her and all these car accidents?

Yesterday I downloaded a couple of new match games where you match pictures (a lot like playing concentration), and a new and improved version of that tiles game I’ve loved so much over the last month. This one has more and nicer tile sets and has more features to it and it seems to be free of bugs. The other one had a few bugs. I also downloaded some tilesets, too, and Tom will install them when he gets up. He said he might not even sleep for 8 hours cuz he’s pretty well-rested. I thought that Mondays and Tuesdays were when he was the most beat. Anyway, will he be rested enough to return to screwing? We’ll see, but I’m not gonna bring it up and it’s easier for me to go without it more often after my period. That’s when a woman’s peak tends to be a bit lower.

I’m still praying daily, even though I know better and if Tom’s serious about a home business, I really really wonder if that’s got anything to do with his making me wait on him and with his not being in a hurry for a kid. Even he admitted that there’s no urgency and that it’ll happen when it happens. Well, in my opinion, if someone’s not in a hurry for something they claim to want bad and more than anything else, and have been in the right circumstances for it for years, and are plenty old enough for it, then they don’t want it nearly as much as they say they do.

He’s got your typical man’s attitude about this, but as I said, be it consciously or not, intentionally or not, is the business, besides the fact that we got married sooner than he had wanted to, among other stuff, another reason for his lack of eagerness to cum?

If this man ever wakes up and sees that logic and my woman’s intuition are correct about my sterility, I still have some very very serious doubts, fears, paranoia and a whole lot more about seeing a doctor. Regardless of the fact that God’s not gonna let no doctor. give a woman a child that he’s so determined to see remain childless, it’s just not fair and not right. Why should I have to work for and pay for a child? Huh? Why should I? Why should I have to pay for what should occur naturally? Why should I have to do God’s work for him? I still feel the same; if 15-year-olds and psychos can get this act of nature for nothing, and if God can love them enough to bless them with the gift of a child, why should I be any different? What the hell did I do that makes me so much more undeserving and not good enough for me to get pregnant naturally and for free? Well, obviously something up there feels I’m different enough, and I’m sorry, but I’m just not paying thousands of dollars for a miscarriage.

It can take years of a person putting in years of fighting God for something they shouldn’t have to fight him on, but it only takes a second to give up. I’m not gonna lower myself to kissing no God’s ass and I’m not gonna belittle myself into having to work my ass off and pay a fortune cuz God didn’t care enough to create a life in me for having nothing but good old-fashioned sex. Kids aren’t supposed to cost a fortune and be hard work till after they’re born. If he can love and favor teenagers, drug dealers, murderers and rapists more than me, then I guess I’m really doomed for hell when I die, if such places as heaven and hell really do exist. I once heard a lady say that she thinks everyone gets to go to heaven, cuz we all have enough hell on earth to live through. That makes sense to a degree. Life is hard. It’s hard, even if you’ve got it all. Life is so unfair, too, or else Amy Fisher wouldn’t be doing all these years in jail for attempted murder, while O.J. Simpson gets off for a double homicide. And it’s all cuz he was rich, famous and male. Amy came from wealth, but she wasn’t famous and she was a female.

SUNDAY, JUNE 29, 1997 Well, Tom’s 40th was yesterday and it didn’t go too well. A part of me feels that was my fault, as well as him just using stuff I said as an excuse to put a guilt trip on me for making him feel bad on his birthday and so he could get me back on mine. I know my next birthday will be a depressing day of hell just like my 30th birthday was, and of course, he’ll deny that he’s gonna get me back. He’s gonna make damn sure I’m not pregnant by my birthday, cuz of my making him wait to go into business if he really wants that as much as he claims to.

Supposedly he got all bummed out when I mentioned him going into business from the house and he said he was depressed cuz of how much it meant to him, but that cuz I had ordered stuff in the mail under bogus names, it was holding him back. I went along with this, but I don’t believe this is really what’s holding him back. He said it means more to him than I realize, but I haven’t heard him mention it, so I didn’t think his heart was really in it. The same goes for the kid. His heart isn’t into it nearly as much as mine and then he goes on about how having to wait for the kid, will make us all the more grateful and cause us not to take it for granted when we get it (like I would really take it for granted after all these years? I don’t think so!). Yeah, I know how he’s making me wait on that for various reasons and how he’s trying to instill patience in me and all that, but there’s nothing to get or to wait for. He just doesn’t get it. He keeps insisting there’s nothing wrong with me and that we’ll have this kid. He is so delusional about this and so in denial and I wonder how many more years it’ll take him to wake up and smell the coffee.

Once again, I know my husband really damn well enough and I can guarantee you right now that he won’t cum when it’s prime time. Good. Then I won’t have to have reality slapped harder in my face when I see that I get a period that I shouldn’t get. I may not like to be set up for reality to be further rubbed into my face, but at least I’ve faced it and am not running around saying I’m OK, I’ll get pregnant, etc.

If he’s so sure he’s gonna cum more and that I’ll get pregnant, then why hasn’t it happened? Cuz he won’t cum more and cuz I can’t get pregnant.

So, we didn’t screw yesterday cuz he was too depressed. If I had known this conversation that I initiated about a home business would bum him out so much, I’d never have brought it up. He says it’s not my fault, don’t worry, we all say things that either depress or anger a person without meaning to, we can move on, etc, but I’m not stupid. I know I’ll be paid back on my birthday and all the more he’s gonna go out of his way to cum less or at the wrong times cuz of this.

Hey, it’s his choice.

Other than that, things have been fine with us. Last night he mentioned screwing today, but I know that was just a tease out of spite. There’s not gonna be any time to screw today and if there is, he’ll be too tired to screw much, cuz after spending about 4½ hours here without touching me, he left to do his mom’s yard and when he gets in in the afternoon, he’s not gonna be in the mood. So, I guess we’re back to part-time sex for a while. We have had some good laughs, though, and have done some fun things in the midst of all this. We went swimming and enjoyed the roast and chocolate pudding pie I made.

He’s also gonna be selling some of the coins that his dad had collected and I just sorted a little jar of pennies by their years. They go from 1920 - 1963. They’re mostly from the 40s and 50s, though.

Unfortunately, it does appear for sure (unless I’m seeing this all wrong) that next door’s basketball hoop has been unlocked. I just hope the neighborhood kids don’t see this.

This is the second weekend that asshole hasn’t been next door, so next weekend he’ll more than likely be here, the fucking filthy piece of scum!

Teddy Bear’s adjusting well. Unlike Piggy and Bunny who are up on and off throughout the days and the nights, he’s asleep in the daytime and up at night. He loves to sleep in the tube. He’s got his favorite spot picked out.

When I got up, I saw him unload a pile of food from his pouches and it looked like he was puking up seeds.

Ma sent back home with Tom a couple of pictures of one of Mary and Dave’s hamsters walking along Dave’s arm.

Perms dry the hell out of people’s hair and I asked Tammy, who always gets perms, what she uses to help with the dryness and the frizziness and she said to go to a salon and get Gold shampoo and conditioner. If that doesn’t help me, nothing will.

THURSDAY, JUNE 26, 1997 We got the hamster yesterday and he’s sooo cute! There are 3 kinds of hamsters. A teddy bear, a pigmy and a dwarf hamster. We got a teddy bear hamster and fittingly, his name is Teddy Bear. And he really really does look like a live, miniature teddy bear. From the back, when he stands upright, he looks like a miniature cat. We checked out 3 stores before I finally picked him out. I had tried to find a short-haired hamster, but not only did they not have any cuz they’re rare, but I’m glad I didn’t find one, cuz this one’s so cute. He’s a solid crème color with a few touches of light brown. He has brown ears, though. His fur is soft and fluffy, but not overly long. Not like a Peruvian guinea pig, so he won’t get so filthy like those do with their 7” long fur. His body is a lot like a guinea pig’s, only he’s about 3 times smaller, has a little stub for a tail and his ears are like that of a mouse. Guinea pigs have mice-like ears, too, but they flop down and over towards their heads.

The guy at the pet store was saying that hamsters look so cute and cuddly, but they’re not and they tend to bite, but he hasn’t bitten me. Guess it’s just my way with animals and him getting used to me during the ride home. Him hearing my voice, I mean, while he was in his little carrier.

When we first put him in his cage, he screamed at us. It was like a combination of a screech and a bird chirping. He did this in rapid succession for about 10 seconds. It was pretty funny. Immediately, though, he calmed down, and even began exploring, eating and wheeling. We thought he’d be shy, not eat and would just basically burrow for a while without moving.

He let me pat him in his cage yesterday and today he let me pick him up a few times. He loves his wheel, but it was so cute and funny how he was riding the outside of it at first. He got it down pat right away but was just on the wrong side. In no time at all, though, he was wheeling away on the inside of it.

It’s so nice to leave the room and not have to worry about it escaping. He’s more flexible and a bit faster than I thought, but he doesn’t have the speed, jumping ability and agility that Gizzy had. In two hops, Gizzy could get from one side of Mary’s cage to the other, but he’s a bit of a klutz. He falls out of one side of the tube, shuffles across to the other tube at the other side, and instead of quickly and easily hopping up into it like Gizzy did, he pulls his bulky little body up into it slowly. When he first went into one of the tubes (he’s asleep in one of them now), he looked like he was squashed in there cuz of his long fur, but he can even turn around in the tubes and I didn’t think he could.

Tom and I filmed him yesterday and I shot some pictures today, then changed the setup and took more pictures.

Since it takes a bit more effort for a hamster to climb the tubes than for a mouse, I decreased the length of his living space from about 5’ to about 2’. I decided he’d prefer a middle ground, instead of having to climb up such a long tube from the aquarium to the shelf that I had had Mary’s cage sitting on, which was about a 5’ climb. So, I put a small piece of Plexiglas on top of one end of the aquarium, put Mary’s house on that, then made 3 branches of tubing. On the right side, I have a straight piece and 2 curved ones that form a backward C with a long straight bottom. This extends slightly over my little worktable that’s next to the desk that his house sits on. On the other side of Mary’s cage are 3 curved tubes and one T that takes him downstairs into the aquarium, but branching off the top of this tube that is the only tube that gets him from the 1st and 2nd levels, is 3 curved tubes that make a partial S shape. It extends in the opposite direction of my desk and it rests on the rim of the aquarium, right over his ring tube that sits by itself in the aquarium.

This is how the aquarium is set up: on the back wall, from left to right is the tube that takes him from level to level, then resting against the back wall next to that is Mary’s purple plastic wheel (he can at least burrow in this, cuz he can’t run on it), then there’s the water bottle. Against the left side of the cage is the ring tube and in front from left to right, is his food dish that I took out of Mary’s cage and the pink wire wheel. I also put in a little wicker basket in Mary’s cage for him to chew on, but I think it’ll be a little too small for him to nestle in.

I got a nice treat in the mail from Kim yesterday. She sent some cards and pads she didn’t want. One of them is a pad of lined paper from the Marriott hotel in Springfield where she had a nursing seminar. Then there are 3 cute stick-it pads that I’ll use for journal notes. One has a teddy bear, one has Garfield and the other has a mouse.

Then there were 16 really cute little cards and envelopes with different mouse designs on them. These are really little too, that you can’t mail them as they’re only an inch or so big. So, I’ll enclose them in people’s letter envelopes. Here are the people who’ll receive cards - Tom, Andy, Laura, Michelle, Kim, Bob, Mom, Dad, Tammy, Bill, Lisa, Becky, Sarah, Larry, Sandy, and Jen.

Lastly, besides a nice 5-page letter that was basically about her and Walter, she sent some birthday, anniversary, sympathy, get-well, and blank cards. There were 10 of them and I’ll save the get-well card for the next time Tom gets a cold or flu. Meanwhile, I don’t have to get any cards till January, with the exception of Hanukah and Christmas cards. I used the sympathy card to send Tammy, Bill and the girls their little cards and explained all that to them. But I’ve got an anniversary card for my folks and birthday cards for Tammy, Bill, Sarah, Kim and Tom’s mom. I used a “thinking of you” card for Andy and for the little cards for him and his roommate and friend.

I spoke to Lisa today who not surprisingly, gave me a slightly different story about Broadway than Tammy did. I knew Tammy was hyping things up. Tammy said that all the music director needed to hear was a few notes of Lisa singing, but Lisa said she was asked to sing more after their concert. Tammy said she was guaranteed a spot on the top of Broadway, but Lisa said the woman said she’d do whatever she could for her and that was it. Yeah, I figured Tammy was BSing me.

I also wasn’t surprised that Lisa said that Tammy ranked on my hair in the last set of pictures I sent her. Typical jealous Tammy - my hair looks like crap, I can’t sing too well, etc. Tammy could grow out her own hair if she really wanted to, I guess, but it’s obvious that she thinks she’s too fat, old and ugly to look good in it, so she’s jealous of mine and my figure and just how I look in general. She basically always has been and I know that no matter what she says and no matter how much she denies wishing she could sing, she’s jealous of that, too. She’s always been jealous of me and the things I can do well and how I look. I guess sisters go through their share of jealousy to a degree. I mean, I wish I had a kid (not 3), but this is bullshit that Tammy should’ve outgrown many many years ago. The only thing that’s changed is that she won’t cut me down out of jealousy to my face. Perhaps this is both cuz she knows that as I got older I refused to put up with it and also cuz she knows I know where she’s coming from as far as that’s concerned, and why she does it.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 25, 1997 Oh my God! I woke up at 104! I haven’t seen that number in months. I know it won’t last long and that I’ll return to the 108 I usually have been over the last year or so, but see? My parents leave and then I lose weight. If only the “right time” in God’s eyes for the kid was after Tom and my parents met. If only that’s what he was waiting for, but I know much much better.

Nonetheless, I’m still praying daily, as skeptical as I still am about it, cuz he seems to be suddenly answering more of my smaller prayers. Not only did he answer the two sleep prayers, but last night, after I heard that dog for the second time at 1 AM, I prayed about that situation and I haven’t heard the dog since, but who knows what I’m really in for as far as that goes? And who knows how much this really has to do with God or just plain old luck? Some things just aren’t obvious whether or not something that happens is really all that influenced by God, but a kid would be different. That would very obviously be God blessing us with love if he gave us that gift, but you know how God is with me - he chose to give me other gifts. The less natural and common ones like singing, etc. And he gave Tom brains galore and a heart of gold.

Once again, this month’s PMS (I’m due tomorrow), has been a piece of cake, too, and I really feel his not cumming during the right time frame has to do with it. Still, I know deep down that no matter how much he cums at the right time, I will get my period. It’s totally senseless for me to worry about a miscarriage, once again, too, cuz if God really wanted to put me through that (guess he never hated me that much) and wanted me to get all psyched up just to lose it at 2-3 months down the road, this would’ve happened by now. God’s had plenty of opportunities to make sure I had a miscarriage and he never has yet, so why would he start now? I’ll just have to remind myself of this (that I’ll get my period and that I won’t have a miscarriage) the next time Tom cums when I’m mid-cycle.

Only about 9 hours left till we get that hamster!

Poor Marla. I totally sympathize with what happened to her. In her email to me, she enclosed some poems she wrote in the 60s, which were very nice. So, I attached my song file and sent her that. Then, I went to check for mail about an hour ago and there was a message from her saying she just typed me up an enormous email and then she crashed and lost it. She said she’s so frustrated so to be patient with her. Yeah, I know all about that kind of frustration when I’d accidentally delete stuff back when I didn’t know what I was doing very well and would want to delete my life, I’d get so mad and frustrated.

Later…

OK, something’s definitely screwy with the scale. Now it says 107 and I know I couldn’t gain 3 pounds on two cups of coffee and a few bites of mashed potatoes, so Tom’s right - digital scales are screwy. Also, I think it said that humidity affects it. Also, I’ve had it lying on its side. I weighed myself at 104 when the bathroom was dry. Then, I took a shower (the bathroom has no vents, either) and weighed 107. My metabolism can’t be that slow. On an accurate scale, I probably truly weigh 105-107.

I’ve proofread the Oswego and Woodside files and now I’ve got one journal left in the Elm file, then it’s onto the Norwich file - Yuck!

Before Tom left for work he was saying, “I didn’t get no birthday cards today,” in a disappointed tone of voice.

His birthday’s not till Saturday, so I’m sure he’ll get a card from his mom and who knows who else. He has only had one card so far (from my folks), but when he comes home, he’ll have two cuz I just made him one.

Yesterday I managed to stay up 18 hours, so I should have no problem with my teeth cleaning appointment tomorrow. He said he appreciated my noble efforts (he wanted to screw when he got home) to stay up so we could have fun. Well, I do love to have fun myself and I think that’s reason number two as to why my PMS is so much easier to deal with. He didn’t cum, though, cuz it was too close to the last time he came and cuz he had been up 20 hours. In most ways, this gonna be 40-year-old has the energy of a 20-year-old, but for him, cumming and tiredness don’t mix.

Later…

I’m back to 104 again now that the bathroom’s dried up.

I wish we had the extra money to get some of these games registered. Not only would I have an extended and better version of these games if they were registered, but I wouldn’t have to go through the hassles that unregistered games bring. They are a real pain in the ass with all their delays and extra buttons to click.

Just 6 more hours till hamster time and I hope that he doesn’t make me wait too long on him when he gets in, cuz I know he loves that. Anyway, Tom said he wants me to pick out the hamster, but naturally, if they’re too much more expensive than we thought they’d be, we won’t get one today. And if none of them really speak to me, I won’t get one either. Animal shopping is a lot like journal shopping for me. If the right one’s there, it just jumps out at me, so hopefully one of these hamsters will just jump right out at me the instant I see it and will be affordable, too.

Mary and Dave are going to New York for a week, where Dave’s from, so we will be feeding their 4 hamsters while they’re gone, but I’m not sure when they’re going.

TUESDAY, JUNE 24, 1997 Don’t people anywhere give a fuck about their neighbors and about animals? I mean this is fucking great! Just what I need! Someone at one of the houses across the street (I can’t tell which one yet), got a fucking big dog with a fierce, loud bark. A bark like a St. Bernard would have. The front of the house was the only part of the house that was kind of peaceful and now I can’t even have that anymore. Now the living room’s gonna be as loud as the back room is when those two dogs bark. Watching TV and trying to talk to Tom or Andy on the phone isn’t gonna be easy now that I’ve got to listen to this shit in the background. And of course, the dog’s got to be left outside 24 hours a day. Tom says once it gets used to its new surroundings, it’ll stop. Not a chance! I mean, how many more years do those two dogs need to get used to their surroundings? Another 3 years? When I stepped outside to try to see where the dog was, it sounded like it was right at the end of our driveway, so how the fuck can these assholes that got this dog to store as a piece of old yard furniture even sleep?

Later…

Out of all those games I got, there are only 7 games I like and chose to keep. The rest were either full of bugs and they just wouldn’t run, or they were DOS games or just stupid games that I didn’t like. There’s a pretty cool tile game, too, only it uses marbles and not tiles. I only got a few more puzzles, but the coolest thing about it is that from most of my puzzle games, I can open and load any of my Gloria or Norah pictures that I use as wallpaper and screensavers. There are a couple of games I got that appear to be virtually impossible to win. One’s this thing where you click on squares to flip them over till you get the icon you chose and you never know which squares to flip. It’s all a matter of guessing. The other one’s a bunch of blocks and each side of the block has a different color. You must put these blocks into a big square in the form of the pattern they show you. Another one I got that’s just so-so but is OK is this thing where you have to match the color of the square they show you, by sliding color buttons. I believe you have 3 colors - red, green and blue.

That girl Sarah whom I used to be pen pals with for a little while, showed up by surprise at Andy’s place from L.A. Andy says she��s doing well, though.

I hope Andy will find a way to deal with his loneliness, the same way I hope it’ll keep getting easier for me to deal with never having a kid, as it has been. Slowly but surely, I’m getting there and I’ll get by. I don’t have a choice and neither does he. I mean, I wish to hell I was wrong, but he’ll never have his Mr. Right, any more than I’ll have a child. It wasn’t meant to be, or else we’d have had it by now. We all can’t help what we feel, think, believe, or want. But what’s meant to be is what’s meant to be and what’s not is not.

On the other hand, there is one way Andy might stand a chance, whereas I don’t even have a chance. If he just didn’t smoke pot, then maybe, just maybe, he could find a good person. But as long as he’s a user who looks for guys in bars, he hasn’t got a chance. But he still does deserve someone.

I haven’t heard any dogs all night, so that’s good.

MONDAY, JUNE 23, 1997 Before I update, let me back up to some stuff I’ve read along the way of proofreading the Elm file. This is going back to S. Deerfield in 1991-1992.

There are about 3 things I read that make absolutely no sense to me. Why did I always use to say that I couldn’t remember much of my life up till I was 18? It’s just the other way around and people like Andy and Tom got me to see that. I remember almost everything. I remember too much. Way more than most people, I think, and I just don’t believe I could have any traumas that I’ve blocked out like that therapist Cassandra I had suggested. My memory’s just too darn good for that and I remember other traumatic situations I’ve been in, so why wouldn’t I remember all traumas and why would I block any out? So, if someone ever molested me, then yes, it’s blocked out beyond reach and I have no idea of it.

And what Valleyhead secrets? I had written something about not ever being able to write about secrets from there, but there are no Valleyhead secrets. I’ve written exactly what I went through there and what it was like there, just as I honestly remember my experiences to be.

Lastly, not too long before I moved from there to CT, I had mentioned seeing the apartments I was to move to. No, I didn’t. I never saw them till the day I got there and maybe those “nice” apartments I mentioned seeing there were the ones for the elderly that were further up the road. See, the NHA projects were spread down a long road that goes up to the top of a hill. That hill is the end of the line and there’s nothing but woods back there. Well, the part I said I saw must’ve been further up the road, not as far down to the end of this road up top the hill.

And where in the world did I ever get off thinking that any of these project buildings had skating rinks or elevators? The buildings all looked the same, except for the family and single units where I was. When you enter the road, which is long, but a dead-end, of course, all the projects branch off at the sides. Throughout 90% of the road, are small, square, 2-story houses that the old people were in. That was the better, cleaner, less congested, quieter area, but once you hit the top of the hill and the end of the road, everything’s on one floor, except for the family units that are in the middle of the single units. Each building has 4 apartments and is rectangular-shaped. These buildings are set up around a square court where people would park their cars. This is where it was more congested, trashed and noisy. The elderly houses just look like houses on a typical road, but not where I was. Where I was, there were two different types of building setups. The ones with 2-family units in the center, with a single unit on each side of the 2-family units. These were the 4-bedroom family units. The other buildings had 2-3 bedrooms only.

When in the apartment I lived in, if I looked out my front door, I’d see the square court which was the parking lot, and the dumpster. Also, the other 3 buildings. One was directly across from me, its front doors facing me. Then there was one to my left and to my right, its front doors facing into the court, too. To the left of my apartment was a big field that was part of the school. Behind me was all woods. To my right, was Barbara and her wild family, of course.

I’m sure the elderly people had better living conditions, but I know that the apartments I was in were totally condemned with no luxuries of any kind. I didn’t have a shower; just a tub. I had no garbage disposal, dishwasher, or anything there, but a small, filthy dump with paper-thin walls. The living conditions were pretty terrible. There was no door to the bedroom closet, which was more like a long, shallow alcove, than a closet. I had no shades on the windows and no light fixtures. I had nothing there. Nothing but no sleep and no peace and no life.

Anyway, back to the present. We bombed as planned, and went to Denny’s in Scottsdale.

No freeloader nuisances of any kind and God answered my prayers again. I know this was an easy prayer that may have had nothing to do with God after all, but just plain luck of my own. I asked him to please let me sleep till my body decided to wake up (yesterday was stereo day, so I was a bit worried about that and any bomb effects on my asthma), and that’s just what happened. I slept fine.

Now, if only he could answer my prayers for a child, but I know better. We all gotta just accept fate for what it is.

Later…

Poor Andy. I just spoke with him and he’s really bumming over not having a boyfriend and just about life in general. Well, you know me, I don’t believe a boyfriend’s meant to be for him, or else he’d have that by now.

He said that fat Indian called to tell him he’s been dating someone for a week and Andy’s like, that’s not fair! What about me? Yeah, that’s just what I say when I turn on the TV and hear of a 13-year-old getting pregnant, That’s not fair! What about me?

So after thinking about it, I asked myself, then him when he called me? If this guy got someone he’s been seeing for a week, then why would he need to call Andy?

Cuz the boyfriend was out of town for a few days on a business trip, he was bored and just wanted to rub it into Andy and brag about it, no doubt. This is why Andy thinks he called and I agree.

Later…

I just had yet another of my many many theories/beliefs as to why I have been denied the gift of a child. And the woman I had wanted, and the singing career I had wanted, and other things I once wanted quite badly.

Everyone says my mother spoiled me as a child cuz of her guilt about my ear. Tom says I’m spoiled, too. Well, if any of this is true, then I wonder if that’s got anything to do with why most of the things I’ve really wanted really bad were denied to me. Did God, the devil, or whatever up there decide - OK, she was spoiled enough as a kid, so now I’m gonna make sure she can’t have the things she wants most. She has to pay for her mother’s mistakes.

But what about the fact that my childhood was also a living nightmare most of the time? What about the living hell I went through with my parents, others, and the things that weren’t just handed to me? Doesn’t that count for anything? I’ve still had to work for and fight tooth and nail for almost everything I’ve had or done. From life’s basic, everyday things, to things like singing, drawing, etc. You know how it is with me - the more normal and ordinary something is in life - the harder I have to try in order to obtain it. (maybe)

How can I be 109 pounds? Well, I am and I know I’m a few days away from my period, but I don’t feel like I’ve gained 4 pounds in two days. Usually, when I’m over 106, I feel it, so to speak, but now I feel like I did two days ago when I was 105. Has my metabolism really gotten that slow that I could gain two pounds a day? Or am I becoming more solid and gaining muscle weight and not inches, water or fat? Anyway, I don’t feel loaded with water and bloated to the point where I feel I’m gonna burst. And my tits are virtually free of soreness. Guess that vitamin E really does help, cuz I feel pretty good and not like such a blimp for being a few days away from my rag, so to hell with what the scale says, even though I still know I could afford to firm up and lose a good 10 pounds or so.

Andy also told me about something that he’s told me since he got here he’s felt alienated by his family, with the exception of his sisters.

I got a recipe from a gelatin box for Fruity Crème Desert, so I copied it into the index card notebook Ma gave me and I typed it up for her, too.

SUNDAY, JUNE 22, 1997 One more hour till I go get him up. I’ll have to ask him since I don’t know for sure, but I wonder if we can store paper plates and stuff like that in the oven and microwave?

Amazingly, I woke up at 105 pounds a couple of days ago. First time I’ve been that low in months, but I know it won’t last long.

I downloaded 42 puzzle, maze, logic, tile and match games. It took 1½ hours, but I can’t wait to check them out! I went about finding these in a different way. On AOL, not the Internet, I brought up a search form and typed the word “puzzles” and got a list of 250 hits to scroll/check.

The only thing about this method that’s not so cool is that it doesn’t show the game to you like it does with the kid’s games in their game section. I really prefer to see the game’s graphics and layout first, but I’ll just delete those I don’t like as I normally do anyhow.

SATURDAY, JUNE 21, 1997 I’m kind of bored at the moment, not that there aren’t things I could be doing. It’s just one of those nights we all have every so often when we say to ourselves, I could do this or this or that, but I don’t really feel like it right now.

Anyway, I did make a roast earlier and it came out great! Best one I ever tasted and it just melts right in your mouth. It’s not the eye of the round roast that mom and I cooked when mom and dad were here. Tom couldn’t find that, so he got something else (can’t remember what it’s called), and his mom said to cook it the same way. Well, from now on, this is what we’ll get. It’s cheaper, too. Instead of putting a can of whole potatoes and a can of sweet potatoes around the roast, though, I put two cans of whole potatoes around it. I like whole potatoes better than sweet potatoes and I’m sure Tom agrees.

I finished proofreading journal 17 earlier so now I’m down to 58 more to go. I only need to read up till I hit 99 and when I go through the 30s - 70s, it’ll go quicker. The rest are longer and more thorough with no illustrations or letters copied in, etc.

Gizzy still hasn’t been caught, either.

Later…

Boy, was I ever wrong in a great kind of way! Yes, I’m psyched to report that really early in the morning, he came! He came big time. So that once again increased my faith. Not that God will allow us a child, but that things will work out nonetheless, and that my husband is just what he says he is. I’m happy to have pleased him and once again, I feel a lot more normal, so to speak. It also pleases me to know I please him and I’m sorry that my paranoid and suspicious side had kicked in again and that I had thought he was pulling my leg and decided to hang up the juice for quite a while.

Just maybe I will resume praying again (I hadn’t over the last few days) and he sure did answer a prayer of mine earlier.

Me and the fourth hour of sleep just don’t seem to get along. We had caught and freed Gizzy at about 4 AM, so we decided that we’d bomb real early Sunday morning. I fell asleep at 8 AM, then awoke at 12:30 so hungry. So I went and grabbed a couple of granola bars, smoked a cigarette, and begged God to allow me to fall back asleep, cuz if I didn’t, that would’ve screwed up our plans (we’re also hoping to get the hamster on Wednesday when my schedule’s wrapped around enough so I can be up between 10 AM-noon to get it) So, here I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep, praying to God to let me, and the next time I opened my eyes it was just after 4 PM, so that worked out really well.

There have been no cars next door, either, so I’m sure that it’ll be next weekend or the one after that that he’ll be there.

Hopefully, Gizzy’s happy being a free mouse now and has found a little partner. We know that a part of his sudden desire to be free wasn’t just cuz he started off as a wild mouse, but also due to that natural urge to go make babies. Yeah, I know all about natural urges, but at least Gizzy’s been given a shot at that and can get that. I just hope that no cat gets a hold of him, but I can feel that he’s alive out there and is happy.

Later…

Tom’s gonna be crashing in a few minutes, then I’m gonna get him up at 4:00. We’ll bomb, and then go to Denny’s. We only need to be out of here for two hours.

I de-dutied the patio so that when we move the Piggy and Bunny hutch out there, it won’t have to be put down on bird duties. Bunny will be outside while we bomb, of course, but Piggy will come with us in the aquarium that’s been Gizzy’s downstairs area and will be the hamster’s downstairs area. We’ll throw the tubes and the wheel in the hutch. I’ve got to get some preparations done, by covering some stuff. I’ll wash whatever got hit by the bomb that I couldn’t cover or stick in the refrigerator when we get back.

Later…

Just saw yet another spider. Just 7 more hours, you suckers!

I was cruising through the web last night when I found a site with real-life ghost stories, told by several different people and of their experiences with the paranormal.

I’m glad I wasn’t asleep just now. Some guy just knocked on the door cuz he was looking for someone on 31st Dr. Yeah well, he’s a few blocks away at least. First I heard him try the doorknob, so if he doesn’t know this person well enough to know where they live, why would he try the knob? Anyway, I pointed out where I think that address is and he drove off, so I didn’t need to kill anyone tonight.

FRIDAY, JUNE 20, 1997 I’m still waiting for that darn mouse to go into his trap, but so far he hasn’t been in a hurry.

I awoke from bad dreams after only about 4 hours of sleep and was amazingly not tired all day. In fact, I felt the best I’ve ever felt from only 4 hours of sleep since I was around 21. Maybe that’s cuz I slept a long time yesterday, but I’ll need to catch up the next time I crash, so hopefully nothing will disturb me in any way.

I also hope there’ll be no shit from next door.

I swam at dusk and it was so nice and that’s a fine time for it too, cuz that way you know the bees are gone, but you’ve got just enough light to see if there are any dead bugs floating on the water that you don’t want to swim into and have tangled in your hair.

I would’ve died of a heart attack if I had been the one to encounter what Tom encountered on his way to work outside the garage door. One of those huge, scary and disgusting spiders. He said it was just about as big as his hand.

THURSDAY, JUNE 19, 1997 Well, Gizzy sure wasn’t home for very long. He escaped last night, so this time - he’s out of here! I still love that darn little cute mouse, so if he wants his freedom so bad and if that’s what’ll make him happy - so be it. I’ve got the trap set up and he’s probably asleep now and won’t be caught till well after sundown.

Tom set up the 10 games I downloaded and there are 3 of them I like. They’re cute little matching games, but the others were a bore and I didn’t get as many drawing ideas as I thought I would, but that’s OK.

I’m going back and forth in my mind from feeling like maybe the reason why Tom either doesn’t cum or cums so little, is cuz of me. One minute I feel it’s him, then me, and I always feel like there’s a third party at work too, that’s involved in this. As involved as we are. Maybe more.

Maybe I have been a selfish, paranoid, spoiled, negative, pushy bitch. I don’t know. Tom did say that he always thought counting cycles was negative and unnecessary and that it wasn’t helping him, but that he thought it was important to me. Not if it’s a bother to him. Besides, I can see a couple where a guy cums regularly, doesn’t get the woman pregnant, then they count. So, for us to count really is a waste. He also says yet again that if I quit trying to fix things, things will work out and he won’t feel like I stopped caring as I worried he would if I just seemed to have given up on it and also with suggesting stuff to do to help us. Maybe he’s right and he’s gotten me to see things in a whole new light. I had always thought that if you had a problem, you should do everything you can to fix it, but perhaps not. Trying to fix and not trying to fix my smoking situation has never worked, but we did have to fix the stereo. And then there are the weight problems I’ve had on and off during my life. Sometimes, I’d try to fix that to no avail, give up, but then it’d fix itself and I’d lose weight. So maybe it depends on the situation you’re in and are dealing with.

It’s time to really start giving my husband the benefit of the doubt, shut up, and see what happens. I still believe we’re not destined for a child per orders of something up there, but just maybe I really have been too hard on him and as a reminder to myself - there have been things I swore he wouldn’t or couldn’t do and I called him a liar about these things, but he was the one who ended up right and I was wrong. So like I said, I’ll just back off, stop trying to fix this, be negative in my mind only if I can’t help but feel negative and try not to speak out loud any negative, skeptical or paranoid thoughts, and just see what he does and what happens. For all I know, he may truly believe in his mind that this is our ticket to a child, but be totally wrong (naturally), but there’s only one way we’ll find out if it’ll help him to at least get off more and that’s by doing what I just said I was gonna do. It may be hard at times, but for now, if I have to just write my thoughts down or talk to the animals or the walls, that’s what I’ll do if it’ll help make things better. Even Marla suggested this.

I don’t know if I should keep up the praying to God as I said before, cuz that would be asking for him to fix things and that wouldn’t be just letting time see if it could fix itself and I’m still sure God’s not on our side and that there’s no help from him. If he hasn’t answered my prayers in 3 years, why would he answer them now?

Tom says he doesn’t blame me for anything, but I told him that if I’m responsible in any way for us not having a child now, then I’m truly sorry.

I think I’ll go for a swim tonight after the bees go to bed. The pool’s now perfect for nighttime swims.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 18, 1997 I have decided to stop the daily praying to God. Since I’ve been doing this, there have just been too many problems. My lungs have been worse and I’ve been more depressed, so I’m hanging it up. Whatever it is up there that’s always dealt with me and my life, be it God or the devil, it doesn’t give a shit about me, so why should it start giving a shit now? Let it not give a shit. Let it think I don’t deserve a child. Let it not help me after I’ve tried to help myself. But I’ll be damned if I’ll let it hurt me by this and rule my life any more than it already has. God may control my body, but I’m gonna be the one controlling my mind for once. I’m not gonna waste my time bullshitting myself by telling myself I’ll have a child. I’m gonna be strong and tell myself what’s meant to be and what’s not and just deal with it. Life has to go on. If anything, I think I’d have a hell of a better chance at telling myself I don’t want a kid and why I shouldn’t have one, than trying to convince myself I will have one. I said I was gonna make a game out of what’s reality here, so maybe it’s time to start writing and thinking in terms of reality - that it’s a good thing it’s not meant to be, I’d be just like my mother, have no freedom, the marriage would suffer, etc. Then I can really feel blessed by telling myself I have a God-given built-in birth control system for my own good and protection and be glad that we can always “miss it.”

Not only can I not force Tom to cum, to go to a doctor (which wouldn’t help) and to want a child more than he does, I can be grateful for what I do have and for how things are and just go with the flow of them. There’s no use fighting fate and I’ll admire my strength and determination to walk away from and stop fighting fate and dreams that are just dreams.

Tom was really tired yesterday and I had asked him if he was glad that things wouldn’t be changing and he said no. Well, I know he is glad that things won’t be changing and at least he knows and admitted that.

Anyway, it’s time to think of him for once and not for myself. If he’s happy not cumming and if he really doesn’t want to go to a doctor or be a dad, then God and I will be happy for him that he’ll get his way.

Enough baby talk for now and onto other things and onto real life.

Marla said she told Andy the same things I’ve told him. That the pot makes him too air-headed and forgetful and that he’s looking for Mr. Right in all the wrong places. When it comes to guys, friends and roommates, he has this particular fascination with the druggie. I know, though, that it’ll be hard for him to find someone that’s clean, even if wanted that. Most folks just aren’t too clean and he would have a hard time finding a drugless person as he himself is a user. A drugless person isn’t usually gonna go for a user.

Boy, was it a scorcher out there today. A high of 114º. The pool is like bathwater.

Tom picked up a nice appointment book. He was gonna use his laptop, but he hadn’t really kept up on it like I thought he wouldn’t. The keys were screwed up, though. Well, hopefully, he won’t waste this nice new appointment book he got and will organize his time better with it. He had said he wanted to do this to free up more time. It’s to divide the time spent with me/us/household stuff and time spent with his mom, in a way that’ll allow him to use time better.

So far, we’ve still been having more sex which is nice, but I’m curious to see how long he can keep up with it, even though I know his cumming days are over. Or are over for quite a while.

I wonder, though, why did he want to count my cycle last month and this month? He had said that he didn’t think that was necessary and I agreed to go along with that, so I don’t know what he’s up to other than teasing or God only knows what. He had said we’ll start 3 days earlier next month, but that’d be really pointless as long as he chooses not to cum.

I caught Gizzy last night. He had been trapped in Tom’s little room, so he opened the door a crack at about 10:30, and about two hours later, I trapped him in the kitchen by the stove.

Whenever we get a hamster (and I expect Tom will have me “wait” on this), we’ll probably set him free. That way I don’t have to worry about his escaping and it’s a bitch to try to clean the cage or to try to move an animal (if we bomb) that’s wild and that just cannot be tamed. I can’t just go pick him up like I can with the pig and the rabbit. And like I could with a hamster.

Later…

Oh, so next door’s getting in at around this time these days, huh? At least I only knew so due to hearing the car door, but that’s probably cuz it wasn’t him. I think it was her female friend. I can’t wait to see what he does the next time he’s over there, but I just hope to hell he never ever moves back in there, cuz then there’s gonna be lots of trouble around here and I’d rather not have to deal with it. I know that if I really wanted to or needed to I could make them scared enough of me to not play their music above a whisper and to not do anything to the house or in the way of complaints, but I’d rather not have to deal with the stress of that. They’re not worth it. No one is. I’d just rather have my sleep and peace around here without having to kick ass for it or scare anyone for it. It’s like with how I bitch about how people shouldn’t have to work for a child. Well, no one should have to work for peace around their house, either. Not unless they do have a child, cuz that goes with the territory. If we had had a child, we certainly wouldn’t have been able to hear ourselves think around here, that’s for sure.

OK, I think I’ll go get some proofreading done now.

Later…

As I sit here, I do some thinking and I wonder - did I ever really want a child as bad as I said? Well, the answer’s yes. If I could snap my fingers and be pregnant now I really would do so, even if God would be just as quick to snap his fingers and make sure I lost it. If Tom begged me to see a doctor as time passed without a baby resulting, and if he was encouraging all the way through due to my belief that God would foul it all up for us, then I would go to a doctor. But this isn’t gonna happen. He can live without a child just fine and even though he says he wants one, any guy that can say “OK, fine,” when a woman says they won’t have a child, as I’ve done at times, can’t be all that serious about wanting one. After saying it was fine, I know he’d never have said one word pertaining to still wanting one or one word to try to change my mind and that tells me right there, that he was never that serious.

So, my point is, maybe it’ll be easier to give up than I ever thought it would (not that I have a choice), knowing he doesn’t want a child that bad and knowing a doctor couldn’t beat God for us and win. Maybe I just don’t think a child is worth the risk of God punishing me for going to a doctor’s office. And maybe a child’s not worth trying to “make” my husband want a child as bad as me and to cum more and this is something I certainly could never do anyway. Tom has to want to cum and to cum a lot and to want the child enough to see a doctor of his own free will. No one else can make him. He will not cum on command, therefore, if we went to a doctor now, in 5 years or 10 years, and they tell him to cum so they can either test his sperm or use it to fertilize an egg, there’s no way he’ll do this. It’s more important that he not cum for a reason and cuz some doctor said to (even if he agreed to it) than to have a child. So as long as Tom’s the way he is, we don’t have a fighting chance and we certainly don’t stand a chance against God who doesn’t give a shit and who won’t help us at all. God could’ve made sure we hit it right when he was cumming. Or he could’ve made sure one got away from his pre-cum and hit an egg, but no. God does not want to see us help ourselves. God does not want to help us. God does not want us to succeed.

As long as Tom’s gonna run around saying he’ll cum more and I’ll get pregnant, which is bullshit, then I can’t care enough to do anything more than I already have to try to get pregnant. If he came more or suggested a doctor to help him cum more and to see about what we could do to get me pregnant, then yes. I may care more and not feel so much like giving up. And this is regardless of the fact that I could never be allowed a child, anyway. Let him be the one to decide he wants a child and to suggest a doctor for once. I know this won’t happen as I said, but if it did, then I’ll go to the doctor and get a miscarriage. For now, though, as far as I’m concerned, my husband either subconsciously, consciously or both, doesn’t want a child that bad, so he doesn’t cum and he doesn’t push for seeing a doctor and therefore, I care less, knowing I can’t make him feel the way I feel.

Let him do what he does best - tell me he’ll cum more and I’ll inevitably get pregnant. Meanwhile, I’ll give up and call it the hopeless, closed chapter of my life that it always has been.

I downloaded 10 little cute kids’ games for drawing ideas. I still don’t have the smarts to unpack them, so hopefully Tom can do it soon.

I gotta go get him up soon.

Why do I have a feeling that the frequent sex we had was just to please me, as well as something else I recently wrote about, and that it’s coming to an end? Well, if he’s hoping I’m gonna beg him for it to pick up again, he’s wrong. I’m not gonna be teased or played with.

I’m recording a movie now too, so I can zip through the baby commercials all about home pregnancy tests, not doing drugs while pregnant, getting an AIDS test before pregnancy, etc.

TUESDAY, JUNE 17, 1997 I’m sitting here trying to get online, but that’s not looking very possible. That’s probably cuz I had been online for so long earlier and they don’t want me hogging up one of these cheap asshole’s lines for too long. I’m trying to find online books to print out.

Still no sign of Gizzy and am pretty sure he got out of the house.

I’m making chicken wings now.

I woke up wheezing after 4 hours of sleep (if you’re gonna wake up with an attack, it’s always at the 4th hour of sleep), but 45 minutes later I had it under control and went back to sleep for another 5 hours.

AOL is really ridiculous and it looks like they’re just not gonna let me online.

MONDAY, JUNE 16, 1997 Tom’s running some errands now, but I guess he’ll be in any second now.

Although I’m still doing better as far as my mental state goes, I’m rather depressed today. All this praying to God, listening to those who say we’ll have a kid, trying to tell myself things will work out, is just a joke. I know what I know. Dreams that have been dreams for years don’t just suddenly jump out at you and become a real-life thing. I’ve heard people say that they prayed for years to get stuff they’ve wanted. Well, I’ve been praying for years and I haven’t gotten what I’ve wanted, so that’s a sign enough that I’m asking for the impossible. There is just no way I’ll ever have a child. And there really is something up there that wants to see me hurt by this and that doesn’t like me.

I can’t believe I even brought up the idea of seeing a doctor next year. Like that’d really do us any good? Yeah right! Something hasn’t allowed me to become pregnant for a reason. Therefore, if any doctor sticks a fertilized egg in me, it’s just gonna be removed. Stolen. Taken away forever.

Another thing is, I know now for sure that Tom has gone back to not cumming and it’s of his own doing and his own desire to do so and I know this is a long-term thing. Meaning, if he ever cums again, we’re talking another 2½ years or so that he’s gonna refuse to cum. He can blame me, he can blame the heat, he can blame his racing heart, he can blame anything, but it’s his own choice and free will that’s doing this. This is why he’s been reassuring me that things are “perfect” and that I’m so great in bed. Cuz he doesn’t want me to feel guilty for something that he’s chosen to do. After thinking about it, I realized that it’s not only obvious that he’s quit cumming since it’s been two months since the last time he came, but there is no more room in my mind for doubt about this. I’m 100% sure he’ll either not cum again for a very long time or never again. Yeah well, there’s no way in hell I’m going to go to a fertility doctor, let alone both a sex counselor, as well as a fertility doctor, cuz I just couldn’t deal with it and it wouldn’t do me any good. I’d never win and get what I wanted.

I also know that God has a big part in this, too. Meaning, if he didn’t want Tom to quit cumming, he’d influence Tom, probably without Tom even knowing it, and Tom wouldn’t want to quit.

I also wonder if this having more sex lately is both a cover and a show. Perhaps it’s to ease his guilt and to compromise with me in his own way, by giving me more sex, cuz he knows he’s not gonna cum. And perhaps he said to himself, Well I don’t want to cum anymore and I don’t want to see her go through a miscarriage and I don’t really want a kid all that much, but to cover this up, I’ll give her sex more often with the hopes of her not suspecting the truth.

He said that the more he screws, though, the more he cums. Well, we’ve been doing an awful lot of screwing lately, so why isn’t he cumming?

People work building houses. People pay money for cars. But you can’t put a price on life. People aren’t supposed to work for and pay for kids. But if they must - why can’t some teenager work her ass off for it for once? And why can’t some murderer go out and “buy” a 5,000-dollar or more baby? I’m not gonna work for and pay for what God and nature intended for people to have naturally and effortlessly.

Later…

God, this business that calls all the time just doesn’t give the fuck up! It comes up as only unavailable on the box with no name or number and they only let the damn phone ring twice. Like most people can get to the phone that fast? I don’t think so.

When I got up at 10 AM I noticed that Gizzy escaped, since I took the Plexiglas sheets off of the top of the aquarium, which made it easier for him to get out. Tom noticed he wasn’t in his cage, too, a couple of hours earlier. So, Gizzy’s not happy with just his wheel and home, huh? Well, we talked about it and we’re gonna get a hamster. I’m tired of animals that can jump and escape so easily, whereas hamsters are kind of fat and bulky and can’t jump any better than guinea pigs can. I think Gizzy’s escaped through the large enough crack in the back door, but if I catch him, I’ll keep him till we can afford to get a hamster, then I’ll set him free. It’s time for him to return to the wild. I love him, but he’s too much trouble and just isn’t worth it.

SUNDAY, JUNE 15, 1997 I’m back to say that we had a wonderful anniversary and God actually answered my prayers! Not a peep out of next door and nobody attempted a ballgame for 5 minutes or more, either.

We went to see his ma and he took her to church. While she was in church I played some computer games and sat in her chair that vibrates to give massages. It was OK. Nothing great. You can vibrate the seat of the chair, as well as the back of it, but nothing replaces a good pair of hands giving you a massage.

I got a kick out of how Ma said I wear sundresses well and that my bust is high and my stomach’s flat. I still may be high-chested, but my stomach’s anything but flat.

Then we went to Baskin Robbin’s and he got a malt and I got a caramel sundae.

As we were pulling into our driveway, I saw a royal blue car parked next door, but it left soundlessly.

When we arrived here at the house, which was around noon, there was a message from my dad and one from Andy.

Dad wished us a happy anniversary and Tom a happy birthday.

Andy’s message was kind of rude and selfish. When I talked to him yesterday I had mentioned that today was our anniversary, but instead of wishing us a happy anniversary, he bitched about his problems. Bitching about his problems is fine with me, but perhaps he’s a bit envious. I know he’d love to be having a third anniversary with a great guy, and like Marla and I both agree, as well as others, I hope he’ll have that chance someday.

Yesterday, after he bitched about Laura (it’s like Laura’s the old me and I’m now Brenda since he used to bitch to her about me when he lived with me), I left him a message letting him know that he’s still a good person, regardless of what she’s done wrong to him. Or even anything he may have done that he shouldn’t have. And also that he’s not the old Andy M and he is a good roommate. He was really pleased to hear this and thanked me for it, saying it was a nice thing to say. I think it cheered him up a bit and that’s nice to know.

So, about an hour after we got home, we screwed, then planted the cactuses, then screwed again a few hours later. It was great, but of course he still won’t cum and I’m still just not sure whether he really can’t for various reasons right now, but will cum soon, or if he’s deliberately decided he’s gonna quit cumming. Time will tell, I guess, but cuz I know I’m not destined for a kid and cuz he has finally cum after 2½ years, I’m not as worried about it. He has to do what he has to do.

I told him I was a bit paranoid that it was me not being good enough and how I’m sorry I can’t always satisfy him, cuz I do love him so very much and he said things are great, and if I love him, I’ll relax and let things be. He has a point, but I told him to remember not to think I stopped caring or that I won’t do my best to please him in any way, cuz that’s my job as his wife who loves him.

I also spoke to Kim, who I had been worried about, cuz I hadn’t heard from her by way of phone or mail, but she’s doing well enough. She’s been busy, but she’s still with Walter and I’m glad for her.

I got a kick out of next door watering a good 5 feet or so of our yard. No, I wouldn’t have been pissed if I’d had clothes on the line, since that got drenched, cuz I’d have just left them out there longer. I asked Tom if he thought it was deliberate or if she just didn’t know any better and he said it was probably cuz she didn’t realize how she set it up. So, the clothesline, the hedges, the bird of paradise tree, and one palm tree, got watered quite well.

I still can’t believe that for it being Sunday, I haven’t heard one stereo go blasting by. On a typical Sunday, you usually hear that about 4 times a day here. And I’m also pleased to know that next door’s been quiet, but who knows at what volume he’ll come in at during the one or two weekends a month he’s here, but I can deal with a few times a month a whole hell of a lot better than I could deal with a few times a day like in the past.

SATURDAY, JUNE 14, 1997 Well, I screamed at next door this morning. At fucking 6:30 in the morning, right after I got up, they had their music playing, so I went out and screamed at them about that and the time, then slammed the door on them. It was that burgundy car and some guy I’d never seen before was at the passenger door, then what I think was the woman that lives there, was walking towards the car as I was yelling at them. I’m sure asshole Mike was behind the wheel, but I couldn’t see.

Tom saw me do this, so naturally, I thought he was gonna be pissed off at me all day, but all he said was that the music wasn’t too loud and I should’ve waited 5 or 10 minutes, but that the music was only going on for a minute or two. And that he hopes they won’t lodge a complaint to the city about our weeds or our old, deteriorating roof.

First off, I’m sure that if they’re gonna “get me” for my outburst, it’ll be by playing music louder and more often and by way of obnoxious parties. Secondly, no it wasn’t that loud, but the point of the matter is, is that I could hear it enough and I’m not gonna take their rude and obnoxious shit and I don’t care how often it is or for how long each session lasts. I don’t want to hear them. I don’t want to know that they exist. And I’m not gonna put up with them. I haven’t put up with them for months and that was the end of it back then and my days of dealing with disrespectful neighbors are over. I’m not going back to the old days when I tell them nicely over and over just to get no results and have my requests for them to turn their music down fall upon deaf ears. Now, I know that God’s not gonna let me just walk away from this and I know that this won’t be the end. Yes, after I yelled, they turned the music off and left quietly, but I’m not stupid. I know God will get me for this by either having them come blasting in like hell later on, or by him having something else go wrong in my life, but I’m not gonna just sit back and take it, either. If I hear their music again and if it’s above a faint whisper, they’re gonna wish to hell they never moved into that house!

Well, Tom was cool about it and he understood, but he also knows that I believe there are boundaries and limits set on when to worry about retaliation and all that and when it’s time to speak up. Really speak up, since talking nicely and quietly doesn’t do shit with people like this.

Later…

Oh shit! I really think history is repeating itself here. He and her and whoever that guy was that was with them is still gone, but now there’s someone over there doing a very thorough job on their lawn, and that spells out p-a-r-t-y to me. And the thing of it is, is that they all went somewhere in the morning last year, too, before coming back to party from around 2:00 till God knows when. Well, he stood at the house at the time, then she and that nice lady that I said hello to once, took off somewhere, but then came back and it was party time. At this time, though, right before or right after they took off, the grounds were being done.

I’ll bet that the Saturday and Sunday of the 7th and 8th, the only reason why they didn’t party was cuz perhaps all the people weren’t available, but let me guess - they’re gonna come blasting in in a couple of hours, then they’re gonna party till at least 10 PM. Meanwhile, Tom will be here (he’s at his ma’s now) and he won’t want me to shut them up for fear that they’ll do something to the house. Or lodge a complaint against us.

Well, if they don’t party, I better enjoy the peace while I can and until it’s the best time to really set them straight permanently, cuz I know that both God and they are gonna make sure that they make their arrival back here very well known. I wish I could say otherwise and that they just went on a day trip somewhere, but will quietly return later and that the car will take off for 2-3 weeks, as usual, then all will go back to how it has been over the last several months, but I know better. If I let him have his way, he’ll always blast in and out, no matter how often or how little he stays over there.

Tomorrow, Tom and I are gonna go visit his ma, then we might go to a Denny’s or someplace like that. That would be nice, although it’ll be crowded and full of screaming kids, cuz parents today don’t know how to properly discipline their kids. And you don’t need to be violent to do so, either. It’s just that they don’t give a shit and people with kids think they own the world.

Well, I’m a bit nervous now, but I will enjoy the peace while it lasts. I’ll be back later to let you know that yes, they came in very loudly and/or partied, too, as I know that if not both, then one of these things will happen.

Gotta finish up the laundry, do the dishes, and finish proofreading journal 15. Then I’ll have 60 left to do.

I just realized something else, too. If they really do have a big party like last year, there’s not only gonna be about 4 vehicles coming and going and about 8 adults, but there’ll be at least 4 kids and you know what they’re gonna want to do? Yup. Play ball. So today will probably be the day my little lock will be discovered, and all they have to do is untangle it and pull it off, cuz I couldn’t actually lock the damn thing.

Later…

Amazingly, no one’s come in yet next door. Maybe they really have gone on either an all-weekend or an all-day trip, but I’m still really curious to hear how they’re gonna return, even though I’m sure I know what to expect.

Just talked to Andy and he’s having a hard time with his roommate. Like I told him, if he’s got to have a roommate, why must it always be a druggie who’s always broke, cuz they spend all their money on drugs? Can’t it be a clean roommate? Then again, clean people are a lot less common than druggies are.

Marla just told me the biggest piece of bullshit she’s ever told me. And if it’s the truth, then yes, I was very right in my belief that the more you don’t want kids, the more you have them and vice versa. She said she’s had 3 abortions prior to having her two boys and that she gets pregnant very easily. She said she’s gotten pregnant on the pill, with rubbers, and by the rhythm method. That is so unfair! I’d normally say that that’s not scientifically possible, but yes, it is, with the way God, the devil, or whoever is just so obsessed with giving kids to those who want them least. What did God do when he created people? Sit there and decide that those who want kids less shall get them and vice versa? And why? If I were the master of creation, I would want to give kids to those who did want them. That only makes sense, doesn’t it? I wonder, though, how many times would I have gotten pregnant if I didn’t want them? How many abortions would I have had? How many kids would I have living with me? Or taken away? Or put up for adoption? Well, I want a kid, therefore, I can’t have one.

Later…

Tom’s opinion of what Marla said was that she is full of shit, cuz the pill, condoms, and the rhythm method, cuz these methods are virtually fail-proof. Regardless of what she was or wasn’t on, though, the fact still remains that something up there gave her 3 unwanted babies and hasn’t given me one wanted one and that’s really unfair and it really sucks.

Next door still hasn’t been in yet, but I heard some kids (which ones, I don’t know) use the basketball hoop for about 5 minutes, then they were gone. I don’t know if they left due to them not being able to use it or cuz they just felt like it, but sometimes I’ll have to see if I can see if they got the lock out.

I know this isn’t over. God’s not gonna let me off the hook and let me get away with this morning’s outburst no matter how much I beg him to and I’m worried about tomorrow (I think Tom may be getting a kick out of my worrying about them and feel I deserve it). How much will they ruin our anniversary?

FRIDAY, JUNE 13, 1997 I just made a couple of pork chops, so Tom can have them when he gets in if he wants them.

I called Tammy yesterday who told me her latest family medical problems, then something about Lisa’s singing and the first thing I asked myself was - how much of this is cuz she may be jealous of my own ability to sing and to simply impress me? And also - how much of what she and Lisa have been told is true and not just talk? If she and Lisa were really told what I’ll soon get into.

First she told me that Becky was home recovering from her knee surgery. Tom was surprised they put her out just to give her a shot of cortisone in one knee and to drain fluid from the other, but perhaps it’s cuz she’s only 10. Tammy said that they let her put on scrubs and a mask to go into the OR with her cuz she’s an RN. She’s not an RN, as I know how much she likes to exaggerate and impress people, and even Larry pointed out her bragging about being an RN when she’s really just a nurse’s aide.

Becky’s out of school for the year and her class gave her a farewell party.

Then Tammy filled me in with the latest plans to help tackle her thyroid problem.

Then she told me that Lisa sang a few lines at the end of a song with her chorus (which she played for me and was very good), then some woman said she wanted to take her all the way to Broadway. Tammy said all she needs to do is maintain a C average and she can tour and make it to the top for sure. Well, this sounds a little too good to be true, but for Lisa’s sake, if this is what she wants, I hope it’s for real and that it works out. But to go into a school in a small town and offer this to a 14-year-old? I just don’t know. You never know when it comes to stories told by my dear sister. She may not be as much of a liar as she used to be and she may not be into cutting others down in the way that she used to be, but she still likes to imply that others aren’t either very smart or talented and she likes to impress people by hyping things up and twisting the truth around. Still, no matter how well my kid sang if I had one, if someone made that kind of an offer, I’d be wary and would want to make sure I wasn’t dealing with another Scott M. I just hope it’s not all hot air, though, as the business is full of that and false promises galore.

Later…

Got a nice anniversary card from my parents.

Tom and I wrote what we thought our marriage was on a scale of 1-10 on separate pieces of paper, then swapped them. I wrote an 8½ and he wrote a 9. I thought he was gonna write a 7, so I was pleased.

THURSDAY, JUNE 12, 1997 I’m a bit bummed out right now, I must admit. All I can do is think and cry out for the chance to know and experience what it’s like to carry a child, to have a child and to raise a child. To watch it grow, to watch it learn, etc. But what will happen when he gets home? For the third day in a row, we’ll screw and he won’t get off and God will continue to ignore my prayers.

I keep thinking of that woman Shelly told me she knew. It was so meant to be for this woman, who had a period every 7 years only, to have a child. Why not us? I get all my periods, so why can’t it be meant to be for me to get pregnant? Why can’t it ever, for once and for all, be meant for me to have a normal sex life where my husband cums regularly, and for me to have a pre-thought-of dream come true? Yes, California, which was a pre-thought-of dream came true, as did his cumming, but I want a child way more than I could’ve ever wanted to go to CA, and his cumming doesn’t mean as much if it’s never gonna result in a baby. Yes, his cumming makes me feel a bit more normal and like I’m satisfying him more, but I’d feel a lot more normal if he’d cum regularly and if it’d make a kid.

All I know is that I still don’t see what I did so wrong to deserve this curse that’s been hanging over me, whether it’s a family curse, one that’s pitted just on me, or whatever. People who have done worse than me go on to have kids. So why must I be sentenced to life without just one child? Just one child! When will I ever be allowed to move on? When will old patterns be put to rest? (The fact that there’s always something out of the ordinary as far as sex goes with anyone I’ve had sex with and the fact that there’s always a problem with my getting something I dream of the most and want worse than anything else). Can’t I just have a top long-term dream come true? Can’t I just have a normal sex life?

And also, I’m still not sure whether or not Tom really has gone back to his old ways and has gone back into escalating the teasing, but it looks that way. I mean, yesterday was weird. First he makes me wait on him, and then he was using me as an excuse again.

To start from the beginning, what was probably a stolen car was parked by our house. The cops came to dust it for prints, then to tow it away. Meanwhile, Tom had just got home and he said he wanted to cool off, then go to the bathroom. Then he got out of the bathroom and I thought he was ready for sex, but then with a grin on his face, he said we had to wait a while in case the cops knocked on the door wanting to know if we knew anything about the car. So then I went and played computer games. Then he came in and told me that in case I didn’t know, he thinks that we may have jumped into it too soon yesterday, so he just wanted to unwind and relax a bit more first.

Then, why didn’t he say that to begin with?

Then we finally got into bed and he said he wanted to relax there first, too, and I said OK, give me a signal to let me know when you’re ready to get started. I thought he was ready and it seemed I got him plenty hard enough by hand, but then when he went to go in there, he deflated. At first I wondered if the fan was drying me up (we’ve cranked the cooler down and blasted the fan on us so he can’t use his being too hot as an excuse), but then he said I wasn’t dry. He just hadn’t been fully hard or ready and I had jumped the gun on his signal. Then why didn’t he say so? I asked him this and he said he figured he’d try, anyway. So I said that there was always tomorrow and he asked if I wanted to continue. I reluctantly agreed while I was thinking - you guys are never gonna succeed, nothing’s gonna ever change, you’re feeling teased and played with by this curse and by Tom, so just go swimming or something. However, he did get in there shortly after and I was like - thank you, God! I couldn’t believe the tables turned and he got in there and was pleading in my mind for there to be no catch, but sure enough, there was. There always is. Of course, that catch was his not cumming. He asked if I was OK and I said yes, but then how did he use me as an excuse to stop this time? By saying he felt like my lower gut was tense. Please! That’s when he claimed to have had a mini get-off, but I don’t know. I just don’t know. I want to believe him, but how much of what he said and did was truly sincere and honest and not meant to tease me? Or to get out of the possibility of my conceiving, so he wouldn’t have to deal with me having a miscarriage or having it? And, how much of it wasn’t him at all trying to tease me and control what happens? How much of it was or wasn’t God or this curse?

He may as well have another number two again, where he gets in there and doesn’t cum, cuz if he came today, I really think it’s too late, so that’d turn it into a number 3 where he cums and I get my period and my prayers ignored.

Later…

We’ve had a cooling spell where the temps are only in the low to upper 90s and of course, that brings the kids out to scream where the dogs live. So, I decided that I didn’t want to listen to them scream and that I’d give the pool a break during the cooler spell since I got a slight burn yesterday.

Again a number two, where he got in but didn’t cum. Still, I am in a very good mood. Maybe that’s cuz we just made the first major accomplishment towards trying to get me pregnant if I’m OK and if nothing up there will stop us. We screwed the 3 days that are most likely for me, so that’s got me feeling better, and the fact that Tom wants to screw 3 days earlier next month (a total of 6 days in a row). Besides the kid we want, it’s fun for us both and I don’t miss wanting more sex.

I’m not mad at God, as I thought I’d be, for not helping him to cum and for me to conceive (at least he got in there and I had been worried about that), cuz I realize that it may take time for God and I to establish a relationship. In other words, I guess one can’t go from cussing God out to trying to get closer to him overnight after they’ve come to believe that it was a devil and not God who had a part in the bad things I’ve gone through, the not getting pregnant up till now, etc. So, I think he’s gonna want to test my faith and consistency with my prayers to him before he fully forgives, not forgives, but before he’ll be more likely to listen to my prayers and to do something to help us. I only began praying steadily to him about two weeks ago, so no, I don’t have any hard feelings towards him.

I think next month, will be better. Tom is getting closer to going over the edge and I think that by next month things will be OK with that.

Another thing that’s got me in a good mood is that I agreed to try to quit smoking if he’d agree to keep the sex going, cum as regularly as he can and go to a doctor with me in the new year if we haven’t had any luck by then. I told him why I thought this would help me and help us as a couple, but that I didn’t want him to go along with anything that made him feel either controlled or pressured or whatever. He agreed, though. I’m sure we can still keep up the sex and see a doctor in the New Year, even if I don’t succeed, but this will hopefully increase my chances. Naturally, though, it goes without saying that I hope we won’t need a doctor and that I’m still superstitious and would fear a miscarriage, but we all have to take chances in life and I want to move on and continue to do all that can possibly be done to get the child we want, and I’m sure Tom agrees.

Perhaps the fact that I’m feeling more uppity, hopeful and positive is just a big fat joke and I’m being a bit delusional here for nothing, but I can’t help it and it’s better than crying every other day like I spent way too many years doing.

It’s just that it comes down to these things: I want my husband to be happy, as he is my number one. So much so, that if he came out and said a child would make him unhappy, I’d be sad and sorry he felt that way, but so be it. The other things it comes down to are that I want regular and consistent sex, to please and satisfy my husband, and for us to have a child.

Tom told me I can talk about the things that mean so much to me as much as I want, but I’m working hard and will continue to work hard at talking about it less negatively and I shall close this entry now, without a harsh word to God. And without any suspicious feelings towards my husband.

I forgot to mention yesterday’s dust devil. It was quite wild. A dust devil is where there’s a small stream of wind that gushes through. Almost like a mini-tornado. Once, Tom and I were in the pool and the trees across the street were really whipping, but the trees behind us were perfectly still. Yesterday, however, I was sitting out tanning, the wind was dead calm, then all of a sudden it was incredibly windy for a few minutes, then it went dead calm again.

Why aren’t I sad and thinking to myself - God hates me? He didn’t hear a word of my prayers, and if he did, he doesn’t give a damn, I’ll never have a kid, etc. Well, I’m just not feeling that way and it’s better than that constant depression I had for so long. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’ll never have a child, and I’ll always have my times where I’ll cry about it and I’ll be sad to have to miss out on a child, and I’ll feel it’s unfair and that something up there doesn’t like me and wants to always control me, but at least I don’t have to live where it’s always making me cry. I know Tom could cum every day and that it still wouldn’t and couldn’t impregnate me and neither could a doctor and I know my prayers will always go unheard. Or at least ungranted, but at least I feel that I’m well on my way to being able to deal with that much better so I can have a happier life.

I also think that some kind of agency should uncover the truth about that prayer thing. I mean, that is really really bad; to tell someone their asthma’s gone and that they will have a kid cuz God answers all their prayers, etc.

And why do all these preachers, or whatever they’re called have to yell? They scream out their messages and speeches. Can’t they speak in a normal voice? After all that shouting, it’s a wonder they even have a voice left.

She was also full of it about sending that literature, but I don’t want it. Cuz if Tom saw it, I’d feel I had to explain how I got it and it’s probably all bullshit. I also saw this woman claiming that those who are defeated in life choose to be. I’m sorry, but I did not ask to be defeated by my parents, the system, the NHA, or people like Scott M. I did not choose for there to be no child in this house at the moment. I mean, come on! If a guy’s walking down the street minding his own business, then gets jumped and beaten, did he choose this? Does a woman choose to be raped?

To back up to what I said some paragraphs ago, well, I think that yes, a doctor could get me pregnant. But do I think that an evil force would leave it alone and let it stay there for 9 months? No.

Still, so what if I’m only kidding myself by being happier? I’ll take as many happy days as I can get after all the days of sadness I went through. I don’t miss always being so emotional and feeling like I ought to just drop dead. There will always be a void in my life. There will always be a missing link in my life. But I’ll be damned if I’m gonna be miserable all the time about it like I was miserable about all kinds of things back east all the time.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 11, 1997 I was just thinking about how Marla was talking about this mind-over-matter stuff and how if I told myself I wouldn’t get pregnant, then I wouldn’t. Well, then why can’t those who don’t want kids or the hassles and side effects of birth control, just tell themselves they won’t get pregnant and let it be a case of mind over matter for them? Cuz I still think that something up there has an obsession with mainly giving kids to those who don’t want them.

Later…

I just went for a swim and have been working on getting color when my schedule permits it.

My ear was quite itchy, so first I threw some alcohol in there, then some peroxide and when I did that, it roared with bubbles. Then out came a fairly large chunk of wax and as gross as it was, at least I got it cleaned out so I don’t have to worry about an infection. Now the good ear gives me more trouble than the bad and I’m glad the bad one doesn’t produce much wax.

We screwed again and he says he had a light orgasm, but I doubt it. So, my prayers will still go unanswered. Tom says there’s always tomorrow, but I think tomorrow will be too late.

It’s hard, all this praying and trying to have faith. I mean, my sister never had to get close to God or pray to God for a child and neither did most others that I’ve known or do know. A part of me still feels I shouldn’t have to drop down on my knees and beg for something that’s supposed to be natural and a part of life.

TUESDAY, JUNE 10, 1997 Tom’s feeling great now and I’m feeling much better than I have in the last few days. I was really really tight. It’s not that I was wheezing, but I was tight and so short of breath. I took extra hits and he whacked my back and made me coffee before I fell asleep at around 5 PM. I got up at 1 AM.

Tom didn’t have to take his ma to her appointment, so I think that helped him a lot, too.

I just left Andy a message telling him that Tom’s better and that I hope he is, too.

I did use that large stamp journal that matches the smaller one that my folks got me, for a project after all. I just didn’t want to write in that one with its thin pages and it was all crinkled, too, and the cover was somewhat bent. I tore out almost half its pages and then taped in lyrics and edited manuscripts that I printed out. I still have 2½ journals with over 200 pages in them so I shouldn’t need journals till the fall.

Now that I feel better physically, I’m mentally a bit nervous. I’m now in the miscarriage zone till around the 12th and of course, I know what I’m in for, as much as I wish I could believe that things would change and that I would see a change, too. Tom says to try not to get either hopeful or negative about it and just to have a neutral attitude. I’d like to, but that’s easier said than done when you’re talking about something that means so much to you. I mean, I can’t think positive cuz I know I’ll end up losing and falling flat on my ass. Yet I’m trying to get out of thinking negative, which is also really hard when you’re so sure you’ll never succeed. And trying to remain neutral is hard, cuz it’s an important issue to me.

Still, I could bet all my journals and CDs on 1 of the following 3 things happening - he won’t get in there, he will get in there, but won’t cum, or he will get in there, will cum, and I’ll still get my period and my prayers for a child will still go unanswered by God.

I always enjoy and look forward to our sex and time together (well, almost always), but when you know what’s gonna happen and what you’re in for, it does take a lot of the excitement out of it.

Later…

It’s 5:30 and still no dogs. It’s early yet. Give it time. They’ll bark plenty from any second now, till around mid-morning.

I have been praying several times a day since speaking to that woman, but let’s see how well I know my fate. It’s gonna be number two. That’s which one I’m in for. He’ll get in there, but he won’t cum. In my book, until and if I see differently, he has gone back to not cumming. He’s just too worried about what a miscarriage would do to my sanity and he just doesn’t really want this much as I do. He tried, though, and that much I never thought he’d do in the first place. I’m scared shitless of a miscarriage, but unlike him, I don’t want to let my doubts, fears and worries stop me. Well, something up there has stopped me and until and if I can find a way to get it out of my life and take back my life, my body, etc., I certainly won’t be having any miscarriages. If I did have to choose between always missing it, though, and losing it after getting as far as 2-3 months, then yes, I can understand how he feels and I’d want to always miss it. To get that far to lose it, really would drive me insane.

Later…

Yes, I do know my fate well. I was correct with number two. He got in but didn’t cum. We both enjoyed it, though, and he was close. Tuesdays are when he’s the most beat, but when we screw again tomorrow, I feel there’s a slight chance he’ll cum. Well, if he does, I won’t have a miscarriage. Just a period.

Just when I said to myself, I don’t believe it. We got up till 9 AM and they haven’t barked, I heard them. But I’m certainly not curious to know if they bark the usual amount, or what, if any, effect the note may have had on the situation, so I turned the fan on.

There’s a chance they may not have found the note yet. They do daycare and have plenty of their own kids, so there are bound to be little toys like that left scattered across the yard. They may or may not have noticed it and if they did notice it, they may just leave it there and assume that the child that it belongs to, will pick it up themselves.

I know that this note, once it’s discovered, may escalate the barking, cuz people are such opposite-doers, but I couldn’t resist. It was worth it.

So, I did write about the incident on Oswego St. where Mattie accused me of fucking with Hank and then I chased her into her apartment while screaming at her and kicking her door. When she called the cops on me, I turned off the lights in my apartment and avoided opening my door when the cops knocked. I wrote about it while on Elm St. in S Deerfield. It was then in 1991, that I realized what a vague and shitty writer I was and still was, but was just beginning to improve, slowly but surely, so I filled in lost details.

I’m currently proofreading journal 14 and I’ve got 60-something of them left. It seems this will never end!

MONDAY, JUNE 9, 1997 Well, I’ve been here half a decade. It was at this time 5 years ago that Shadow, the cat I used to have, woke me after just 2-3 hours of sleep. Then, Bill left for work, and at around 8:30 that morning, Dad and I took off to see Sheila in Greenfield, then to Boo and Max’s in Longmeadow, then to the airport.

There are no mice currently residing in our garage. I set up the trap in there periodically to see if I can catch any, but I’m pretty sure I’ll catch another one eventually. Yes, Fuzzy has to have definitely gotten out of the house, cuz we’d have seen him by now if he were still here. Either that or smelled him if he had died in here somewhere. I’m sure that during my parents’ visit, is when he made his escape.

The weekend went off without a hitch. The object of my hatred didn’t party hearty, so if today is a special occasion for someone, it isn’t for her. Maybe it was his birthday.

I slept fine from 2 PM till 10 PM and no stereos woke me up. So, if there were any stereos, and I’m sure there were, and if there was any company over there, God had the kindness to keep them from being loud enough to wake me up.

A certain delivery has been made a few hours ago. To my surprise, the dogs didn’t go off when I threw the pen/tube over and I just realized something. Maybe the letters I sent got them to at least shut them up at night, since I don’t hear them on and off throughout the summer nights like I always used to. Well, now we’ll start working on the daytime barking and again, that is better in the summer. But come fall, they won’t shut up from about 7 AM - 7 PM. A half-hour won’t go by without a barking fit. I wish these dogs were like the dog that’s next to us and across the street with that old guy. That one hardly ever barks much at all.

So Marla thinks I can brainwash myself, huh? I had mentioned that that thought had crossed my mind, but I don’t think so. She says hence the saying, mind over matter. And that if I tell myself I won’t get pregnant, then I won’t. But if I tell myself I will get pregnant, even if I don’t believe it now, I will come to believe it in time and will get pregnant, too. My folks and others may have brainwashed me and got me to believe things I didn’t believe through repetition, but I was just a child then. I am not a child now, but a 31-year-old adult, who is not easily persuaded by suggestions. A part of me wants to try to take Marla’s advice, but cuz I’m so damn skeptical of my belief in my ability to brainwash myself and cuz I’m so damn sure that a child’s not in our cards, I haven’t been able to take her advice.

However, I have been praying steadily every day since speaking to that prayer counselor. I think she should be called a quack, but nonetheless, my reasons for doing this are so that I, or anyone else, can’t tell me I didn’t at least try to establish a “relationship” with God and that I didn’t try to obtain faith and belief in him. Don’t get me wrong, though, I do believe in his existence and I do hold the faith that God can do anything. Yes, he could make sure I got pregnant. The question is, will he ever use his power to do the things he can do? Not just with me, by letting me have a child, but with others that are in need of help or change in their lives, like with Larry and Tammy. He can, but will he?

So, what I’m saying is that if I continue to pray for a child, month after month, year after year, only to end up not being blessed with one, then that’d prove that I’m right about either God not caring, but more likely, a case of a devil that I can’t get rid of and that God, for some reason, just won’t override. I still believe the devil’s touch is stronger for some, as God’s touch is stronger for some, but I hope I end up wrong and that things do change, even if I can’t see or believe that now.

Later…

I just played a little bit of that tiles game I love so much. Tom has trouble winning and he asked if I had a strategy and I showed him how I played, but like he’s better than me at some games, this is one I’m really good at.

Tom’s cold has been an easy one to deal with and he was able to go to work at 8:00 last night. He should be home in an hour or so. He thinks what he had was the flu and that was compliments of Andy. Andy got sick the day after he was here and he obviously gave it to Tom. The germ even stayed in here, even with the EC exchanging the air. Thank God it didn’t get me. Isn’t that amazing? And I’m the one who used to be sick all the time back east and who still has asthma and who still smokes.

Tom says we’ll be able to have a “wonderful” sex week. My heart says, Oh how I wish! And that it could result in a kid, too. But my head knows that the devil, as well as any subconscious or conscious fears, doubts or hesitations Tom may possibly have, are just waiting to jump out at me and hinder us from good sex and most definitely from a child. Which is it gonna be - his not getting in there? Or his getting in there and not cumming? Or his getting in there, cumming, and us missing it by a day or so? My guess is that he’s backing off due to what I said - a possible miscarriage to have to deal with/the things that would go with a full pregnancy and a kid. So, he’ll probably not be in the mood, although he’ll say otherwise and instead of saying he’s not in the mood, he’ll just be too soft to go in there. Or he’ll make sure we’re deliberately not angled right so he can’t get in there. Or if he does let himself inside, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he didn’t cum.

Well, whichever it is…being too soft, the off-angle, the screwing with no cumming, I’ll just have to deal with it and accept it, cuz if I question it or suggest anything that’ll help, he’ll just bitch that I’m trying to control him, when in fact, he should bitch the truth which would be, “Hey! Get off my case, cuz if I’d wanted to get in there or to cum, I would’ve done so, but this is how I wanted it.”

Later…

Tom got in at 4:30 and is feeling OK, but is tired. He crashed shortly before 6 AM, but at 8:15, if I haven’t heard from his mom, who has an appointment, I’m to call her to see if she needs a ride. That’ll hopefully not set Tom back, having to get up so soon after going to bed, after being sick and tired, just to drive her to an appointment. Again, what would his mother do if we had a child? And how would we both cope with it? We’d both be as sick and as tired as I was in the NHA.

Anyway, as we all know, everything has its pros and cons and the pro to his not cumming, means that I don’t have to be all bummed at how something up there is making sure we miss it without a doubt (although then I’d have to fear a miscarriage if we did hit it, but hey, it is time to move on and if that’s what I had to move on to - fine) and how God just wouldn’t use his power to make sure we didn’t miss it. See, this is what I mean when I say I do have faith in God and his power. I know he could make sure that we both physically worked as we’re supposed to, then make sure one of his sperm met one of my eggs, whether or not he came, and then make sure it stood there for 9 months. But will he ever? Well, I’m not about to let myself get my hopes up, cuz every time I do, I fall. And the further I get my hopes up, the further I have to fall and the more it hurts.

I wonder if the assholes with the dogs have found their little message yet? Now all I have to do is hope that they don’t come here when Tom’s up, ring the doorbell, then ask him, “Do you know who might’ve left this (as they show it to him) in our yard?”

Of course, I haven’t told him about it, cuz then he’ll be more paranoid than I can get and will be running around thinking that the world’s gonna end cuz of this. Remember, a neighbor and their dogs are saints in his eyes and they can do no wrong, and anything they do is acceptable. He says that it’s best not to complain about anyone in case they did it back or vandalized the house. I see what he means, he has a point, but sometimes you just gotta speak out and put a foot down. As long as I can’t have the dogs shot, and as long as I know that talking to them would produce no results, I’m gonna do whatever else I can to put an end to this shit.

SATURDAY, JUNE 7, 1997 I’m now doing something I used to do all the time and that I haven’t done for a while - writing while sprawled out in bed.

I’d have loved these wire-bound books when I used to do this a lot. And when I was typing up journals.

I hope to get through a peaceful weekend since we’re just one day away from the one-year marker of next door’s longest and wildest party. I haven’t seen any cars there since Tuesday and hopefully, it’ll remain carless over the weekend.

Tom says he’s feeling better by the minute. I hope so, for his sake. He’s been coughing a lot and this is helping him get better. He hasn’t been a jerk, either, and he thanked me for giving him space and for being as helpful as I could be.

We went out earlier at 2:00 and got some cash at an ATM. Then we got some munchies at Circle K.

I called my mom yesterday to wish her a happy birthday. Dad was at the store when I called. They’re doing fine, but that business deal didn’t go through. As most people are, the guy was all talk, but hopefully, they’ll still get other 60’ poles and huge flags to sell.

I’m having mixed emotions about Larry at this time. He has every right to feel as he does about losing his son, but as mom and I discussed, he has another child. Some people will never even have that much. So it really hurts to see him ignore this other child of his, while some of us are denied the dream and the right to have just one child in the first place. Instead of dealing with his emotions over this sad, unfair and tragic loss, he buries himself in his work and shuts Sandy and Jen out as if Larry was number one and Sandy and Jen were number two. And still are.

Later…

I’m in the middle of doing laundry now.

Anyway, at Circle K, one of the things I got was a cute pen with a tube of gum pieces as the body of the pen. Yeah, well, I know exactly what I’m gonna do with this when I’m done with the gum. The tube is clear and since I know a chat with the dog owners won’t do no good, perhaps it’s time for a little harassment campaign. I’ll type up: SHUT THESE DOGS UP OR PAY THE CONSEQUENCES. Then I’ll cut it to fit into the tube with the words visible. Then in the middle of the night, I’ll hurl it over their wall and into their backyard.

I finished that Dean Koontz book and now I’m reading the last book Ma lent me. It’s OK so far, but it’s time to hit the library again.

Later…

Tom’s taking a nap now, then he says he’ll watch some horse racing, then possibly do the grocery shopping if he feels up to it. I told him I felt bad I couldn’t drive the car and do the shopping myself, but he assured me the fresh air and sunshine would do him good.

FRIDAY, JUNE 6, 1997 Oh great! Just great. Tom’s got a cold. Perfect timing, too. Now is someone gonna tell me that nothing up there made him sick to punish me for calling that prayer counselor and for praying, too, and for wanting a normal, mutual, full-time sex life and a child? Forget about us missing it by a day or two. He’s not gonna cum at all for sure. We’re definitely back to the good old days when he gets hard and I get off.

Also, now he has to feel miserable on account of me and I have to deal with the moodiness that goes with his colds. He’s a little jerk when he’s sick, like most of us are. Let me guess - if I prayed now for him to be better real fast and for us to have a kid, we’d not only not get the kid, as we always don’t, but he’d be sick for a week or two for sure, and he’d punish me further by having something else go wrong with one of us or both of us, right?

I know in my heart, my gut, my logic, and every core of my body, that we’ll never have a child, but can’t life go on for the better, anyway? Does this mean we still can’t have a normal and full-time sex life? Does this mean we still have to be set back in life? That I always have to feel sad over never having a kid? Can we ever move up in life to a better home, more money, and other things? Or must we always remain as we are all cuz I wanted this kid I can’t have?

Whether it’s God or the devil, there’s no fighting this thing. There’s no getting it off my back and out of my life. My body belongs to it and so much more. And it will always be this way. It does not want us to have a normal full-time sex life. It does not want us to have a child. It will always win. It will always have control over us.

Of course, I still have other theories. What if there is no God? What if the good in life comes from just dumb luck or people themselves? What if there’s only a devil? A devil whose reigns are stronger on some people than others? What if God is only an imaginary thing that people have made up to use as a coping mechanism or a way to find hope, faith, and happiness?

Another thing about Tom is, well, he says he’s not the payback kind of guy, but again, I wonder. I had bitched at him for continuing to neglect to fix the leaky kitchen faucet, which he claimed to have no problem with. He showed me I wasn’t turning it off right and I apologized to him for blaming him when it was me that wasn’t turning it off tight enough. So as I suspected, he’s gone back to letting the bathroom faucet drip. See, when I see so many of the things I suspect end up happening, it makes it harder for me to not believe in my belief that we won’t have a child, his wanting a child too, and his feeling I’d be a suitable mother.

Later…

What is it with these sky pigs? If they’re out there trying to pursue someone in some get-away car chase, then they’re obviously doing a horrible job of it and need to go back into training, cuz they’ve been roaring around in the sky for eons now.

There are a couple of things I didn’t mention that are probably just a coincidence, but I did wake up unusually clear-lunged. Also, she said that God knows all the things that bother me and that I wish for and we all know that one of them is that I wish those dogs would shut up. They did seem quieter today, but I had heard them for a few minutes at midnight, so I don’t know if this means anything in particular.

She also told me that the closer you are to God and the more you have faith, the more your prayers will be answered. Well, Andy definitely has more faith than I do. Could that be why some of his prayers get answered? She also said that if you pray for something that isn’t willed by God, you’re not gonna get it. Does God really disapprove of gays then? And is that why Andy’s prayers for Mr. Right haven’t been answered? And again, if he’s not too thrilled with gays, then why do they exist? Are they the devil’s doing or what?

Lastly, if God wants and encourages and promotes reproduction, then wouldn’t he all the more want to help make sure that we have sex at the right time and that whether or not he cums, an egg and a sperm hook up? If he’s really so pro-life, then why wouldn’t he want to help us? He’d be doing for him as well as for us and it wouldn’t be one-sided. He wouldn’t be just giving, but receiving, too. She also told me something I’ve heard before and that’s that God wants people to feel his love and he wants people to believe in him. Well if this is so, then you’d think once again, that all the more he’d want to bless us with a child, cuz then I would believe in him and then I could feel loved by him.

THURSDAY, JUNE 5, 1997 OK, this is what I’ve been up to and I can’t say that most of it is very good at all.

First, though, we got a nice card and anniversary check from his ma for $25.

Also, Andy was over last night so he could type a little. It was a very short visit, cuz he was very tired, but he managed to slowly but surely type almost a whole page of stuff. Actually, not quite as slowly as I thought he would. He typed some stuff I dictated to him and also stuff he thought of on his own.

Later, we jumped onto AOL to play with some guy’s head from CA, but he was a bore.

He brought over a pair of nice colorful, floral shorts that he no longer wants, but they’re too big for me, so maybe Tom will wear them, though I doubt it.

I gave him and Laura some stuff, too. Some Halloween decorations, a couple of hair accessories, a sweater and some scented soap bars.

Now, what I’m about to write about is kind of embarrassing and I haven’t even told Tom or Andy about it and probably never will. Early Wednesday morning at about 7:30, I made a call and got bullshitted like hell by a major quack, but I kind of asked for it by calling in the first place.

I was flipping through channels as I was winding down and as usual, not much was on except for baby talk. On one show, there was a panel of women who’d had miscarriages and one was saying that she wanted to have 3 or 4, but if she could just have one child, just one child, she’d be so blessed. She said this through teary eyes and boy, did my heart go out to this poor woman. At least she stands a better chance than I do, cuz she could at least get pregnant. Something I can’t even do in the first place. I don’t know, though, cuz she seemed pretty hard-pressed, and almost always, the harder-pressed you are for a kid, then good luck!

Then I flipped channels again and landed on some religious show and someone wrote in saying they had had hepatitis but called and prayed with a prayer counselor and now it’s gone. Also, a woman pregnant with twins was being profiled. According to her, the doctors told her the babies would be stillborn, but through prayer, they came out OK. She was saying that she wasn’t perfect and that you name it, she’s done it. But to know that even after all that, God still loves her, was just a wonderful feeling.

Naturally, my first thoughts were, Why not me? What’s wrong with my dream/prayers to have a child? Doesn’t God love me too, even though I’m not perfect either? Or has the devil got such a hold on me, my life and body that not even God can break through it?

So I called their prayer line number and I swear, if most blacks aren’t into crime, they’re God/religious fanatics. Still, I wanted to speak my mind to a stranger who was an outsider, which helps to do every once in a great while. And I was curious to hear what response I’d get. Some of what the woman said that I spoke to didn’t surprise me, but then there were things she said that I totally did not expect and that seemed very off the wall. I mean big-time bizarre and big-time BS, as much as I wish I could believe some of the things she said and tried to open my mind to these ideas.

My biggest question is how can they do this all the time and on national TV? I can see these “get rich quick” shows that are full of quacks and BS, but this? What if some gullible sucker like Fran calls with a serious illness, then gets told he’s cured when he really isn’t, then he stops his treatment or medication or whatever, and dies?

Anyway, I spoke to this black lady and I told her that I didn’t want to believe that God was bad and that he hated me, and that he’d always deny us a child, but couldn’t help my beliefs after all I’ve gone through and have seen others go through. Also, I didn’t know if God was both good and bad, or if he was all good and it was the devil that was doing the bad. She told me there was a devil as well as a God, but God does only good. But if God can do anything and if he’s all-good, why can’t he override the devil? Is it that he can’t beat the devil or simply won’t?

She first asked me if we’d been to a doctor and I told her no, cuz my husband can’t get over the edge too much.

She said that God does love me and that he is going to answer my prayer, cuz I want something that’s willed by God and something he wants people to do - reproduce. Naturally, I was like, well, when is this gonna happen then? She said soon. Probably sooner than I thought.

Then she went on to tell me there is a heaven and a hell and that you either go to one place or the other and what determines that is how much you believe in God and have a relationship with him and live for him. She said it’s not about religion. It’s about faith. Now that’s confusing, cuz if God is so good and so loving, then why would he throw people in hell just for not believing in him?

She said she gets all her prayers answered cuz of how close she is to God and that the reason he hasn’t answered my prayers is cuz I don’t believe in him.

But God’s supposed to love us all equally, I thought. If she’s right about this, then God does play favoritism.

She said that while I should get closer to him so I can have a happier life and have more prayers answered, he will answer her prayer for me and so I will have a child.

She also said that if you’ve done something wrong, all you have to do is repent and pray for forgiveness and you’re automatically forgiven. Oh really? Then why does the bible say that Jews especially, must suffer for the sins of their forefathers? And why do I still feel cursed and like he doesn’t want to hear me or grant us our wish? She said that that’s where the curse comes in. She said she thinks that the reason we’ve been childless up to now is cuz of something physical and a generational curse and not cuz of God, but now that she’s prayed, the curse has been lifted off of us and we’ll have that baby. Yeah right!

Oh, I definitely believe in curses, though, as I told her and I think my family’s been cursed for many generations.

The story gets even crazier. She prayed for my asthma and then said, “Your asthma’s gone.” I couldn’t believe she had the nerve to say this! I mean, come on!

Then she goes on to tell me that if I get confused, I should read the words of God and get a bible cuz that’ll give me answers. But again, how can anyone really know that God exists and that these are his words? I can write a book and say that God spoke through me and that these are his words. Anyone can. For all we really know, there may very well not be a God, a devil, heaven or hell and when we die, we just die.

Deep down, though, I do believe in something good up there, as well as something bad up there, and unlike Tom believes, I think there is a reason for everything, whether it’s fair or not, and we all have a plan, even if some have greater things planned for them than others, and I don’t think death is the end-all. I don’t really believe in reincarnation, or heaven and hell, but I think our spirits always live on and watch over the world.

She said that when I get my child and other things I dream of, it’ll increase my faith in God. Indeed it certainly would if I could have a child to full term, born naturally and in good health, and yes, I wish I could believe in a good God or something up there that really really loved me, was on my side, etc, and I told her that I do have some blessings, things could be much worse, I could even be dead and should be dead, but it’s hard. It’s really hard to believe, to have faith, etc.

All I know is that be it God or a devil, something up there does not want me to have a baby and I’m powerless to fight it.

She said the devil tries to stop her from having a good day too, but that she just prays to God and the devil withdraws. And life goes on happily for her and she gets what she wants. Why can’t it be that simple for me then? Why can’t it be that simple for everyone?

We were on the phone for about an hour and at the very end, she prayed for both the asthma and the child, saying that it wasn’t really her, but the authority God’s given her to have other’s prayers granted due to her utter faith in him.

She told me to put my hand on my chest and then told God to renew my lungs, make them have brand new cells, etc. Well, my lungs are anything but new.

Then she told God to make my female parts as they were intended to work and to let us have a naturally born, healthy child.

I had told her my fear of a miscarriage and she said not to worry about that cuz she prayed against that. Then why did she tell me to pray every day against a miscarriage when I’m supposedly pregnant if she took care of that?

Then she said that I need not worry and not even think about a kid cuz it’s a done deal.

So I’m supposed to suddenly have faith and change my belief system, which would be like trying to get myself to believe that it’d be perfectly OK to go out and shoot 20 people if you have a bad day? I’m supposed to believe that he loves me? That the devil has no reigns on me anymore? That he will give us a child? That my asthma’s gone? I’m sorry, but I just can’t swallow any of this. I wish I could, but I could only do so if I saw some serious change and results - like a naturally born child that was carried to full term. Right now, though, I have no faith or hope. As much as I wish I could say I did and that we’ll get our kid, I just can’t.

The only thing I am gonna do, that may get me in trouble, and that I swore I’d give up on, is try praying on my own for a child more often.

She also said that God has already chosen the egg that’ll be for this child we’re supposed to have and he’s chosen the sperm, too. Now, how can he choose the sperm for this when a guy’s body keeps making new sperm all the time? If he got me pregnant a week from now, then it’d be by a sperm that’s not even in his body yet.

Later…

Gotta get Tom up in 15 minutes.

Meanwhile, another thing that the lady said was that I was predestined to call. That God knew and planned for me to call, even though the evil side would try to stop me so that I could be helped to believe and to get our dream and to feel his love. The whole thing just either doesn’t make sense or seems too far-fetched for me. All but the belief that there are both good and evil forces and plans for us all. That much I can believe in.

It’s so hard for me to believe that our sex life will ever change or progress. There’s just always some problem with it and instead of progressing, we seem to be getting set back with it. No matter how much he is or isn’t reluctant, something is determined to hold us back, keep us from that child, and it is succeeding. The weird and surprising thing about it is that he truly seems bummed out about it, unlike he did up till fairly recently. Why, though? Why now? Is this really how he feels? Or is he just trying to make me feel guilty and/or depressed?

It’s awfully hard to do as this woman told me to do which was, don’t think about it, don’t try to figure it out, don’t analyze it, don’t worry about it.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 4, 1997 Tom just took a Rolaids before heading to work and I asked if I upset his belly (due to what we just discussed) and he said yes. I don’t know if this is true, or if he just wanted to make me feel guilty so I’d keep my mouth shut in the future, but when am I gonna finally learn to keep my mouth shut?! The man simply doesn’t want a kid, so when I’m sad, suspicious, worried or doubtful, why can’t I just keep it to myself? He can’t fully understand me when I talk to him and he ends up taking it wrong and too personally and we end up arguing. I have a goddamn journal. That’s where I should be writing and letting out all my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, worries, doubts, suspicions, opinions and the things that make me laugh, cry, or angry.

Once again, he swears he’s been perfectly honest with me, I read him all wrong, draw the craziest conclusions, my fears, doubts, worries and beliefs are off the wall, and I’m fertile and will inevitably end up pregnant, but I know he’s shitting me. So far, he hasn’t been right about this stuff and therefore, I can only feel and believe as I do and I cannot help it.

An example of how he takes me all wrong is how he says that the reason he hasn’t cum lately isn’t cuz he fears I’d be a bad mom, but rather that I’ve gone back to being obsessed with controlling him. In truth, I’ve been anxious to help us. And he says that I’m not good at reading people? Anyway, I’m not great in bed, but I know he’s using me as an excuse for his own decision to stop cumming.

When I asked him if he worried about telling me if he thought I’d be a bad mom and would get hurt and mad at him for it, he said mad is mad. And I’ve been hurt and mad before, so whether or not I’m mad a little or a lot at him, he said that wouldn’t stop him from telling me so if this were so.

Well, I just had the longest stretch of happy days before this, so now I’m gonna try to go even longer, stop fighting for what can’t be, and just try to relax. And shut up. My expressing myself doesn’t change things; it hurts things and causes fights.

Later…

Blackie Boy is here now. At least I only knew so by the car door shutting and not by his music. On a Tuesday night, though? It seems his visits are getting more frequent and again, I hope to hell he doesn’t move back in full-time. These last 7 or so months that I haven’t had to worry or deal with their music and parties have just been great. Please, God, don’t compensate me now!

TUESDAY, JUNE 3, 1997 I figured it out for sure! What took me so long to realize this? Yes, Tom’s not cumming for the 2½ years he didn’t was a combination of the positioning, reluctance to have a kid, etc. However, the reason why he cums so little (now that we can do his favorite position) and has stopped cumming altogether, isn’t just cuz he’s hesitant on the kid and doesn’t want it as much. It’s cuz he doesn’t think I’d be a good mother. I know this has got to be it. I’ve thought of this before, but this has got to be it way more than it’s a case of his not really wanting a kid all that much. Of course, he’s not gonna tell his wife how he truly feels, but this is it. This is really it for sure. It’s not so much about his not wanting a kid as much, or him instilling patience in me, or him having to see me go through and him have to deal with a miscarriage, or things that go with being pregnant or having a kid, or him teasing me and making me wait on him. That’s part of it, but the main reason, I now fully believe, is me. It’s about his not believing I’d be a good mother. Well, I don’t know if I can argue with him on that one, but still, he should’ve told me this. Just like he should’ve told me other things pertaining to sex, besides just doing it. There is some good in this sudden, obvious observation, though, and that is that if I’m right (and I don’t see how I couldn’t be right at this point), then it sure is gonna help curb my desire for a child, cuz I don’t want to be having a child with someone who doubts me. For me to doubt myself is one thing, but for my own mate to doubt me is another thing. If he doesn’t think I’d be a good mother, then we shouldn’t be having a kid and God is doing the right thing.

Once again, I wonder if the best thing I can do, even if it’s the only thing I can do, would be to count the blessings I do have, the freedom I do have, avoid sex during mid-cycle to help God help us miss it, even though he doesn’t need the help, and be thankful we’ll never need to deal with birth control and its problems, hassles and side effects.

Still, I really think this is it - he doesn’t have faith in my ability to handle a child, but I’m sure he doesn’t have the heart to tell me, figuring it’d hurt my feelings and even make me bitter and angry at him. But for him to go from cumming about every two weeks to not cumming for nearly two months - there is a reason. If he’s supposed to be so horny as much as he says, and if I’m supposed to be that good in bed - there is a reason. And that reason isn’t just him being hesitant about a kid - it’s me.

Anyway, I called Becky to wish her a happy birthday, then I spoke to Tammy and boy let me tell you - God does not like that family. There really is a very obvious, undeniable family curse. Now, I don’t know how much of this is hype, but Becky’s rheumatoid arthritis is still bad and she needs surgery on her leg or knee on the 11th.

Meanwhile, Tammy’s thyroid disease is turning fatal, so the hypochondriac claims. I guess they’ve tried her on different medications over the last year to no avail. She says her thyroid is so swollen it’s affected her voice and now it’s affecting her esophagus. She’s gained 17 pounds and is over 200 pounds.

She’ll live.

I just created yet another cool setup with Gizzy’s tubes and all that, but it’d be nice if I had the mouse to go with it. Yes, working with those Sam tubes was a real disaster and he escaped.

Anyway, I made a simple, yet nice design that’ll be way easier for when we bomb. Now all I have to do is coax him into the little tubes on one side of Mary’s cage, then detach the tubes on the other side and put a cover on it. I can no longer stand those unstable, very hard-to-work-with Sam tubes.

Later…

Yippee yaaaaaaaaah!!!!! Just caught Gizzy. Now that’s a record time between escape and capture!

Anyway, I put the Sam tubes in a ring shape and they’re resting down inside the aquarium, standing upright and leaning against the left side of the cage. Then right next to that, are all but one T and one straight tube, leading all the way up to the left side of Mary’s cage, which sits on a wooden shelf that’s always been there. On the right side of Mary’s cage, is a T with a straight tube attached to it and it’d be perfect to add a hideaway up there when I can.

MONDAY, JUNE 2, 1997 I just left Andy a message to let me know if he can come over to learn to type over the next couple of nights. He wants to try getting a job with the phone co.

There’s something else that’s been nagging at the back of my mind as a suspicion or a guess or a feeling or whatever you want to call it, but now I think I’ve figured it out. Tom’s gone back to not cumming. He hasn’t cum since 4/18, so he’s gotten rather obvious on this. I think the reason why he’s chosen this is cuz of my mental state when we come so close, just to end up missing it. Like I always said, I don’t think he wants the kid as bad as I do and I think it’s worth it to him to sacrifice cumming to make my mental state easier for him to deal with, rather than for him to cum either the same amount or more often and put forth more effort on the kid. Which would really be the miscarriage, of course. Well, it’s OK. I’m not gung-ho on working for a miscarriage and he knows how I feel about that and I think deep down he’d rather avoid that, too.

Later…

We just went for a swim and it was amazingly peaceful out. At this time of year, the damn dogs go off before and after the hottest parts of the day. When it’s really hot, they’re no doubt too busy panting in the heat to bark, all the while wondering why their owners don’t give a shit about them.

SUNDAY, JUNE 1, 1997 The cactuses we planted are really starting to grow now. I’m amazed at how many are coming up. They don’t look like cactuses, though. They look like little bean sprouts that people often top their salads with. We’re gonna play it by ear as far as when to plant them outside since some have more of a head start than others.

Later…

Next door left before I woke up and hasn’t returned.

Also, Andy met with that guy Stan and said he was a fat Indian and neither of them had any attraction towards each other.

Later…

I just went and checked my email and Marla just made my night, even though she shouldn’t have, cuz I know I’m not gonna have a child. She said, “I just know. I feel it.”

Well, I wish she could end up right, along with Tom and Andy, but nope. My fate’s sealed as far as that goes, otherwise it would’ve happened by now. I just can’t think of any real reason why it just “hasn’t been the right time yet.” If it hasn’t been the right time by now, then there is no right time.

[raggaraddy]

Sugar Daddy turned sour

Request: Hi!!!! read all of ur works its all amazing cant believe ur new.. can i request for a yan sugar daddy taehyung x reader x yan sugar daddy jungkook. they found out that that y/n have 2 sugar daddies and they lost their sanity(as if they even have that)...Thank u and YOU GOOD,KEEP GOING💜💞💞💞💞😘😁

A/N: I don't know how to post a reply to a personal message yet because I am new and Tumblr deficient 😅 But I hope you like the scenario ^-^ thanks for the request 💜

Here for Part 2

Summary: Juggling two guys and getting everything you want from them has always been easy for you, and Taehyung and Jungkook are no exception. Or so you thought.

Trigger warnings: Mentions of non-con, assault, cheating, violence.

Yandere! Taehyung

Yandere! Jungkook

Sunday.  Taehyungs day.  

You open your webcam, checking your eyeliner quickly in the startup view as you wait for the Tae to pick up on the other side. He pops up quickly a beaming smile filling his face.  

“Y/n! Baby, I’ve missed you.” He’s radiant. As happy and as bubbly he always is. 

You go along listening to him excitedly run through his past few days, telling you everything in excruciating detail as he jumps from one half-finished thought to another. He may be an adult but he certainly has a young soul. The whole while you feign attention, your fingers continually fidgeting with the diamond necklace or the matching bracelet he had sent you a few weeks back.

“How was your weekend?”  He finally gets around to asking. 

“Not so good. I always have to work so much," You complain, batting your eyes at the camera.  

“You could always quit and come live with me.” He jokes-but not really. It’s a topic he has raised 3 times already.  And you have the same answer ready as always. 

“Daddy, you know I’m a strong and independent woman. I could never let someone else pay for me.” You pout, running your tongue over your lower lip while pushing your chest up a little to draw attention.  “It’s just my rent is so expensive. I feel like I work just to pay the bills.” 

In truth, your rent is already being covered by someone else.  But he doesn’t need to know that. 

While you continue to run through the fabricated details of your weekend, Taehyung is distracted, looking down at his phone.  You know what's happening. It’s like a game. And you’re winning. Your banking app sends a notification, letting you know that K. Taehyung has just sent you a payment. 

You open it up. Yep. That's rent for the month.  Or more, money for that new TV you wanted.  

“Oh! Daddy, noo.” You whine down the camera. “You can’t.  I am okay. Really. Please don’t spend your money on me.” You frown if only to stop the smile that is fighting to fill your face. 

“I want to baby. I have the money, and I just want you to be happy. Don’t stress about bills okay. I’m here.” 

Sometimes, it’s almost too easy.  

“Okay Daddy, if you insist.”

Tuesday.  Jungkooks day.  

With Jungkook it’s a much more straightforward transaction.  He has said he wants to pay for you and he hates the back and forth pretences.  He just wants you to say thank you, smile pretty, and give him all your attention.  

“Do you need anything more for the week?” He asks through the camera.

“No Daddy, you take such good care of me. Thank you.” You smile. 

“You still have the weekend of the 14th off?” He raises his eyebrows suggestively.  Off-screen you quickly scan through your calendar.  

14th, 15th and 16th: Jk weekend.  

Hmm, that came up quicker than you expected. You try to keep your booty calls with them as far apart as possible. 

“Of course, I’m so excited! I haven’t seen you in weeks.” You say, it been less than 100% truthful.

“Months.” He corrects with a surreptitious undertone.  

“Where are we staying this time?” 

You always insist to stay in hotels. Because ‘your apartment feels too busy and mundane, and you want the time you spend with him to be magical and undistracted’. Honestly, you just don’t want him, either of them, in your personal space. You purposefully chose boys who live a few hours away.  It’s hard enough to keep them separated in your everyday life with them being far away. It could only get messy for them to know where you live and how to reach you in person.

You’ve certainly gotten smart at this. Arranging the two men into different days of the week, scheduling them into your calendar to keep them apart and unaware of the other. Both had specifically said very early on that they do not want to share you with anyone else.  And that you were all theirs. And while both of them seemed to trust you, you knew their reactions would be unpleasant, to say the least, if they found out about the other. 

Sugar Daddies can be so possessive. 

But while both these men are very handsome, money is better and more reliable than boys. And if they are stupid enough to spend it all on you, why should you care.

The week passes quickly and it’s the 14th.  Once more you find yourself in the lobby of a 5-star hotel. Jungkook arrived in town early and sent you a message with the room number. 

Time to actually work for your money. 

You knock on the door only to find it slightly open.  Entering there is a trail of rose petals lining the floor leading into the suite. All the lights are dimmed with a warmth of candlelight filling the room. This is so typically Jungkook. Pulling out all the stops to try to impress. 

Dropping your bag at the entrance, you close the door behind you and explore inwards.  

“Daddy?” You call out in a singsong voice. Your heels clack on the tiled floor as you round the corner into the living room. Jungkook is sitting on the lounge, one leg crossed over the other, arms rested up over the back. You smile at seeing him. You always seem to forget just how stunning he is in person. 

“Which one of us are you referring to?” A deep voice startles you from behind. You jolt, spinning to see Taehyung standing behind you leaning against the wall.  

Holy fuck. 

Your mind starts to jumble through what is happening. Thinking about what it was that might have given you away. Evaluating how much they may know. And planning your next move.  

Damn it.  You doubt you’ll be able to smooth talk your way out of this with Jungkook. He’s too direct and absolute. So you’ll just have to accept that that relationship is over. However, you might be able to salvage this situation with Taehyung if you play your cards right. Being defensive should do the trick.

“What is this?” You snap, keeping focused on Taehyung. “This is such a violation of my privacy! You keep smothering me Taehyung! See this is why I tried to find someone else to hang out with.” You stomp your foot. He would always wrap around your finger so quickly with the little girl act. 

“Ha!” He blurts out a short laugh in contradiction to how you expected him to react. “Wow. No, go on. I want to see where this is going.” 

“Do you think we only just found out about each other?” Jungkook pipes up, coming from the couch. 

You sigh. You had almost saved enough for a holiday to the Maldives too. But they seem to know too much. Fine. You can burn both relationships. They were starting to get too clingy anyway.  “Whatever.” You roll your eyes. You got all you could from them. Time to move on to the next.

As you shrug them off, Taehyung steps into the path of the front door. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” Both he and Jungkook start to close in tighter. There is a cold tone to his words. Something far too close to a threat for your comfort. Even in heels, both men naturally stand taller than you which usually wouldn’t bother you. But with an unsteadiness to your footing and a very short dress on, in a dark room with two men you have used and spurned, you are feeling even more vulnerable than you feel you should. 

“Move.” You order. 

A smirk on his lips, Taehyung lifts his hand up and backhands you, knocking you back a few stumbled steps. You gasp, your hand clinging to your cheek, eyes wide in shock. He starts forward, Jungkook intervening, standing between the two of you. 

You can not believe he just hit you! He has never done anything like that before.

“No, don’t do that.” He stops Taehyung as he starts to swing again.  Shaking all over, you’re relieved that one of them is seeing sense.  You take the outstretched hand of Jungkook, lip trembling from the burn on your cheek. He draws you closer and you wrap into him for protection. In the same motion, his free hand swings down punching you in the stomach, doubling you over, dropping you to the floor. “If you hit her head, she might get spaced out. I want her to feel this.”

His words send a chill down your spine. This can not be happening.

“Are you crazy!” You gape, trying to speak while gulping down air. Your head is dizzy, your lungs burning.  Kicking off your heels for better movement, you climb back up to your feet not wanting to engage either man. Eyes focused you look past Taehyung to the door, storming forward. “I’m leaving. We’ll forget all of this, okay.” You bargain through short, panicked breath. 

Taehyungs large hand slams you into the wall, pressing his palm against your shoulder. He follows Jungkooks lead, pounding his fist into your gut. And then again. And again.  His hold removes letting you free and you plummet to the ground, crying within broken huffs while cradling your battered torso. 

“You’re right. That is better.” He laughs at Jungkook. 

“Stop!” You beg, unable to raise your voice above a soft yelp. 

“What's wrong baby? You wanted two men. Now you have them.” Taehyungs bright smile returns to his face. This time with an entirely different meaning than it had ever had until it shifts into a straight, harsh look that you have never seen from him. “Didn't you always say you wished there was some way you could repay me?” 

“You said that to me too.” Jungkook joins his side, both hovering above you, trapping you between them, the wall, and the floor. 

Leaning down Jungkooks hand follows you as you squirm away from him. His fingers wrapped around your throat and lift you up, keeping you against the wall. He takes advantage of you being stuck, leaning into you pressing his lips to yours as you resist as much as you can. 

“Baby, you’re going to pay us back for every dollar we spent on you.” He snarls. 

Taehyung turns your face to him, also forcing a kiss on you. “Don’t worry, Y/n, you’ll see that we know how to share.”  

Part 2

[sgwrscrsh]

winter days: underneath the tree

☁️a/n☁️ this made my heart very warm to write even though i pulled an all-nighter to get it done because my time-management has gone to shit after finals. requested by @sachirou-senpai​. thank you, ellie, for giving me a reason to bring back my boys. i’ve missed ‘summer on you’ so much. this can be read as a stand-alone or as a spin off of ending b, my fave. either way, merry christmas to my babes who celebrate! i have one more christmas fic for tmr and then i’m hiding away to plan + write an smau.

includes: female!reader, poly!seijoh four, post-timeskip (very minor manga spoilers), lots of domesticity, a little suggestive bit, a lot of eating and sleeping now that i realize, a christmas tree, matching pajamas, a very special christmas gift, makki slapping your ass once, a lil teary moment w tooru, homemade curry + pancakes (but not together), lots of cuddling, lots of love, happy holidays, 4.35k words

☁️masterlist☁️

shivering slightly, you unlock the door to the rather spacious apartment you shared with your four boyfriends later into the evening than you would’ve liked. 

yes, four boyfriends. whom you love very much and are loved by in return.

living with four towering hunks has it’s ups and downs, but you wouldn’t trade tooru’s extensive skin care regiment sprawled across the bathroom counter; hajime’s bag of protein powder that he always forgets to put away; issei’s boots that you always tripped over when you came through the front door; or takahiro’s costco-sized box of cream puffs in the freezer that he insisted he would finish by the end of the month, almost half a year ago, for the world.

you made sure to stomp off the snow stuck on your boots before entering the building, but you couldn’t help but sigh at the warmth that greets you once you toe them off.

“ahhh,” you think. “thank goodness tooru convinced us to invest in heated floors.” another perk of having four boyfriends was that two of them brought in enough bank for you to seriously consider becoming their cute little housewife. snorting, you shake your head, though the idea of prancing around in a maid outfit to tease them seemed very appealing. “maybe we should make hiro dress up and clean the house since he still hasn’t found a new job yet.” 

“what’s so funny, sweets?” speak of the devil. makki’s head pops out from the bathroom nearest to the front door, steam rolling out and droplets falling from his hair, signifying that he had just taken a hot shower. wordlessly, you stare at him, lost in thought imagining the water caressing his toned body, but a second later, he gets a better look at you and laughs. “you look like a wet dog!” your glare loses some of its edge when he takes in your own damp strands. 

“did someone say something about a dog?” tooru comes bounding round the corner, and you could’ve sworn he drooped a little when he realized it was just you in the hallway sans dog. turning your icy glance on the setter, you open your mouth to complain about how mean the two of them were being to you when your prince charming comes in to save the day.

“you two, stop bullying the poor girl and let her take a warm bath before she gets sick!” iwa chides as he helps you unbundle the layers that protected you from the snow and sharp winds of the winter. pressing a sweet kiss to your forehead and promising to pick out comfy clothes for you, he ushers you into your spacious en suite where a steaming tub full of rose petals awaits you. hajime chuckles at the starry eyes you give him, heart warming at the love and appreciation shining clear as day on your face, before he leaves to grab a clean pair of underwear, one of issei’s t-shirts, and a pair of his own sweats, knowing you much prefer to wear their clothes at home.

submerged in the bath, you exhale contentedly, eyelids fluttering shut as you enjoy the product of iwa’s consideration and foresight. letting the stress of work and the chill of the outdoors melt from you, you stay in the water until it cools and your fingers prune. a lone thought of how much more you would’ve enjoyed the bath if the boys had joined you flits through your mind, but you jolt when you open your eyes and find issei sitting on the counter with a towel and your robe in his lap, some of the water sloshing over the side of the tub. 

“oh thank god, i was scared you fell asleep and would drown or choke on a rose petal.” you giggle while he wraps you up in your robe before gently toweling your hair dry. “you can’t leave me to deal with the three of them alone.” 

rolling your eyes, you retort easily, “if anything, i’d feel bad about leaving hajime to deal with the three of you alone. the poor man puts up with enough from his team, he doesn’t need you guys ganging up on him, too.”

“well i’ll have you know, sometimes he really enjoys us ganging up on him.” his cheeky quip paired with his wiggling eyebrows earns him a smack on the chest but regardless, you let him sweep you up into his arms and drop you on the massive bed the five of you shared. “get dressed, babygirl. as much as i’d love to spend more time with you naked, i gotta help haji finish dinner.” with a quick peck on your lips, issei leaves you to do just as he said. 

emerging revitalized and relaxed, your mouth waters at the smell of homemade curry, distracted enough to not notice tooru’s arms wrapping around your shoulders and waist. 

“hey, cutie, i’ve missed you,” he sings, face snuggled into the junction of your shoulder and neck. you spin around in his hold to slip your arms around his slim torso, relishing his firm lines against your soft curves. 

“‘ve missed you too, tooru.” and you really did, grateful that all of you were able to take time off work and he was able to come home a week before the holidays, giving the five of you a whole month to spend together before he had to jet back to argentina for his next bout of training and practice games.

“hell yea! group hug!” makki comes running towards you guys, only for you to twist out of his reach at the last second, sending him straight into the sofa behind you. “oof, that was cold, y/n.”

you stick your tongue out at the strawberry boy. “yea, well that’s what you get for laughing at me when i got home. sucker.” still entangled in tooru’s embrace, you feel his body shake with mirth and bite the inside of your cheek to prevent yourself from dissolving into giggles when you see a pout take over hiro’s pretty face.

“dinner’s ready,” comes iwa’s call, beckoning the three of you into the kitchen before you could antagonize each other some more. once you all got your servings of curry, you settle into your proclaimed seats on the large sofa, your body comically small compared to their tall frames dwarfing the cushions. noting the way tooru threw his long legs over iwa’s and how mattsun and makki leaned against each other as they ate, you fold your legs to tuck your feet under takahiro’s thigh and dig in to your meal with some trashy reality show lighting up the tv screen, completely certain that the warmth in your chest was from the company of your loved ones more so than the piping hot potatoes in your stomach.

during breakfast the next day, you blearily rub the sleep out of your eyes before taking a sip of your coffee, a satisfied “ahhh” escaping your parted lips as you lean against the kitchen counter. slowly peeling your eyelids open, you notice all of their gazes were focused on you. “yes? can i help you?” you ask amusedly, awake now that caffeine had be introduced to your tired body.

“how are you still so gorgeous in the morning?” you blink at the dreamy look on iwa’s face propped up in his hands with his elbows on the surface of the island. looking around, you see the other three matching the athletic trainer’s pose and expression next to him. thinking over your messy bedhead, mysteriously stained pajamas, and almost impressively dark eyebags, you want to scoff, but the unfairly handsome men giving you their undivided attention despite all of that (“because of all of that, y/n-chan,” tooru would argue) make you blush instead.

“you’re one to talk, haji,” you opt to remark, hoping to divert their focus from you and your rosy cheeks. “and don’t look at me like that,” your pointed finger swinging wildly between the four of them like the needle of a compass. “you already know you guys are way outta my league, you don’t need me to tell you that.” with one last flourish, you wave your hand dismissively before grabbing your mug with both hands, palms warming against the ceramic.

“as wrong as you are, you can’t blame us for wanting to hear the love of our lives compliment us first thing in the morning as we admire her natural beauty,” mattsun grins once he sees the success his words have at deepening the flush on your face. tooru nods gravely in agreement, but it’s makki’s one-two combo of a wink and an air kiss that breaks you. you roll your bottom lip between your teeth to stifle a laugh but release it immediately when the playful atmosphere takes a heady turn. clearing your throat, you pay no heed to their hungry expressions, knowing full well that they all noticed your little action and how they would react to it.

“a-anyways,” you stutter, “i’m gonna go get ready ‘cause i have things to do today so-” you try to slip by, leaving your empty cup in the sink, only to get caught in your tracks by hiro’s long arms. 

“ah, ah, ah, princess. and where do you think you’re going?” soon enough, you find yourself surrounded by your smoking hot boyfriends and heat up in anticipation of their next moves. 

“this so isn’t fair,” you complain aloud, though you were just as eager as they were to get you out of your worn sleep clothes. 

“tough shit, babygirl. guess you’re just gonna have to add four more things to your to-do list, huh?” 

naturally, you leave your errands for some day later in the week when you’re able to walk properly again.

the opportunity comes when you rise earlier than the rest of them, a rare occasion where you found yourself graced with the freedom of sleeping on the outside instead of being sandwiched in the middle of the bed. tiptoeing about, you brush your teeth and get dressed, somehow managing to not wake any of the sleeping beauties. you scribble little love-filled messages on post-it notes and stick them around your apartment on your way out, but not without one last soft smile in the direction of the bedroom, the sight of the four of them cuddled together through the door left ajar renewing your motivation to accomplish your tasks and come home sooner. 

with your laptop bag in tow, you set out for your first destination, settling into a corner booth at the coffee shop with a full cup and a pastry. once you finish your breakfast, you pull out your laptop and get to work, scouring the internet for the perfect gifts for your lovably imperfect partners. you rack your brain for any recollection of any moment where they would’ve let a potential present slip into conversation and light up when you come across volleyball print pajama pants. you check the availability of the sizes you needed and upon realizing that they were all in stock and would be delivered before christmas, you place your order without a moment’s hesitation. satisfied with your progress, you pull up the animal shelter’s hours before heading out of the cafe, the barista’s greetings and the jingling bells echoing behind you. 

by the time you return home, it’s late in the afternoon and you’re greeted by a wall of warm bodies as soon as you step through the front door. 

“where’ve you been, babe?” once again, takahiro is the first to meet your return, but this time he plants a sweet kiss on your lips with his long fingers encircling your waist after his inquiry. 

“oh, you know,” you sigh, dazed from the saccharine embrace. “out and about.”

“busy day? hope it was productive.” you nuzzle into tooru’s chest, feeling the timbre of his voice through your skin, and nod.

“as a matter of fact, it was.” their eyes soften at the proud grin stretched across your face. but your grumbling stomach just had to ruin the moment, making the three of you stare at each other before bursting out in chuckles.

“you skipped lunch?” oiks asks, wrapping each arm around yours and hiro’s waists and guiding you into the kitchen. you rub the back of your neck sheepishly.

“i guess so? i didn’t really notice i was hungry until now.”

“good thing we saved your favorite from that chinese place down the street for you,” mattsun comes up behind you and lands a kiss on the crown of your head. you beam gratefully up at him and skip over to the fridge to retrieve the takeout.

“welcome home, love,” iwaizumi emerges from the bathroom to complete the set and gives you a once over. “you look tired.”

“gee thanks, hajime.” he rolls his eyes playfully at you while you wait for your food to heat up in the microwave.

“what time did you get up this morning?” 

“uhhh,” you start, mouth full. at iwa’s stern glare, you swallow before answering, “seven-ish? earlier than i would’ve like for a vacation day but it was worth it.”

“hm, well i’m glad you had a good day at least.” you shuffle over to kiss his cheek before dropping yourself on top of where tooru and hiro were cuddling on the sofa, eyes drifting around the room to take in the holiday decorations adorning the space.

“thanks, haji. but you’re right, i am sleepy.” suppressing a yawn, you lean back against the broad chests behind you and tuck back into the paper container. “can we take a nap once i’m done?”

“sure thing, babygirl.” the innocent smile mattsun sends your way turns mischievous with his added comment. “we really tuckered ourselves out while you were gone.” you nearly choke but makki’s hand thumping your back helps you dislodge whatever food got caught in your throat. iwa shakes his head and looks to the side in an attempt to hide his face, but the reddening tips of his ears give him away. meanwhile, oikawa catches your eye and winks.

“how else did you suppose we keep ourselves occupied when our baby wasn’t home?” you get up to toss your now empty container, shaking your head as you go. 

“i’m glad to see you at least got the christmas tree up before going at it. god, you’re all insatiable.”

“i mean, it’s hard not to be in this relationship,” hajime grumbles.

“aww, iwa,” makki pushes his lips into an overexaggerated pout. “you make me hard, too.” full-bellied chortles escape the four of you, ignoring iwaizumi’s indignant huffs.

“whatever,” comes his miffed reply, but you know he takes all your antics in stride. soon enough, he returns to the living room with a stack of blankets and finds you and issei added to the pile of limbs tooru and hiro founded. somehow, hajime situates himself to fit perfectly in your cuddle fest, blankets sprawled about to keep you warm.

one last yawn leaves your mouth before you mutter a sleepy, “night, guys. love you,” barely registering the quiet “love you”s you get in return as you drift off, the lights adorning your christmas tree twinkling above you.

christmas day, you wake up before the others again, this time more than willing to feign sleep and revel in the warmth of your shared bed. luckily, you don’t have to wait long for your boys to stir. sitting up, you stretch your arms above you head and begin to climb out of bed only to be caught by the wrist and dragged back down.

“haji, please,” you draw out. “we can finally open the presents under the tree!”

“i don’t care, it’s too early for you to leave me, princess.” you hum as he pulls you closer to him, revisiting your mental note that iwa is much more openly (and selfishly) affectionate in the mornings. 

“oi, the rest of us are still here you know.” face buried against tooru’s back, mattsun’s muffled complaint gets hajime to loosen his hold on you. 

“yea, yea,” he props himself up on his elbow to lean over you and kisses the former middle blocker’s temple. “unfortunately.”

“so mean, iwa-chan,” oikawa pipes up, stretching his arm across you to caress your boyfriend’s toned arm before lacing his fingers with makki’s. the pink haired man himself, still half-asleep, squeezes tooru’s hand before sitting up.

“hey, wait. it’s christmas, isn’t it?” takahiro’s question reminds you of the package you received a couple days prior, prompting you to spring out of bed before one of them could reel you back in. the four watch you rifle through the closet and resurface with the pajama pants you ordered.

“merry christmas!” you cry excitedly, tossing each boy their respective pair and eagerly awaiting their reactions. “they’re matching pj’s! look, i got one for myself, too.” thankful that you chose to go to bed in just one of iwa’s godzilla t-shirts and underwear last night, you rush to slip on your volleyball print pants. the boys take in your childlike joy, chests tightening at how precious you are. “hurry up, i want you to try them on so we can match!” at your insistence, they roll out of bed and dutifully don your gifts. 

“oh these are actually really soft,” tooru murmurs thoughtfully, fingering the fabric on his thigh.

“right?” you pipe up, nearly bouncing off the walls. “i wanted to do something to commemorate our first christmas together in this apartment and i thought these were really cute since volleyball is what brought us together in the first place.” eyes meet each other as you all reminisce that special summer, grateful that you stayed close despite your individual journeys after graduation.

suddenly, the doorbell ringing catches your attention. a brief glance at the clock on the bedside table tells you it’s much later in the morning than you though, but you’re quick to answer the door.

“who could that be?” the boys are left wondering, wandering out into the living room in time to see you wave goodbye to whoever it was with a large gift-wrapped box sitting on the floor next to you. 

“babe? who was it?” tooru is the first to ask the question on all of their minds. 

“oh, just my best friend. they wanted to drop this off on their way to their parents’ house.” you gingerly pick up the box and bring it to where your boys were waiting for you. “go ahead!”

“go ahead?” hajime parrots. 

“yea! open it!”

“it’s not for you?” takahiro ponders.

���well yes and no. c’mon just open it already!” you’re bouncing on the balls of your feet at this point. tooru finally takes the initiative to remove the lid of the box, eyes widening when he sees what it hid.

“oh my gosh,” he breathes. the other three nearly knock heads with how quickly they lean over the opening.

“is that-?” a furry little head pops up over the edge of the box, round eyes peering up at the four of them.

“a dog! yes!” you squeal. “he’s a shelter dog!”

“he is?” hiro is in awe, slowly reaching out to cradle the little guy in his arms.

“i met him the other day when i woke up early and ran errands without you guys. isn’t he just the cutest?” big hands dwarf the small pooch as they gently pet his head and stroke his fur.

“does he have a name?” tooru has the good sense to ask. 

“mhm, the lady at the shelter said his previous owner named him ponyo.”

“ponyo…” issei whispered, eyes shining. 

“i know we’re nowhere near ready to start thinking about kids,” you start, the topic of the conversation instantly drawing their attention. tooru even ignored ponyo’s little tongue lapping at his fingers. “but i thought we could use an addition to our family.” 

“y/n, princess, we obviously all love him already, but we’re busy with work- well, most of us are. who’s gonna take care of him?” hajime questions, almost reluctantly.

“i mean, hiro is home all the time since he’s still unemployed (“i said i was looking, damn!”), but i actually got promoted so my schedule is way more flexible and i can work from home most of the time.” your voice trails off bashfully, but they give you no time to be embarrassed, swallowing you up in a huge hug. 

“why didn’t you say anything sooner, baby? we’re so proud of you!” now you know how the dog felt being smothered by their affection, not that it was anything new for you.

“uhh, surprise?”

“fuck yea, surprise! god, you’re incredible. lemme make a list of things we’ll need to get for ponyo once the stores reopen tomorrow.”

“actually…”

“you didn’t.”

“i did, with help from my best friend.” going into the lowest cupboards in the kitchen, you show off the bag of dog food and water and food bowls you bought soon after visiting the shelter. “his bed and crate are in the other closet by the washroom.”

“how did we get so lucky?” takahiro asks aloud, making you blush as the others nod in sync, all of them blown away by your thoughtfulness.

“this is nothing. i just wanted to show you guys how much i love you.” you play with your fingers, a little overwhelmed now that the initial excitement has worn off. “oh wait!”

“there’s more?” tooru asks, shocked.

“but wait, there’s more!” mattsun and makki chime in simultaneously, making you laugh as you retrieve the last present. you hop over to where tooru was sitting on the sofa with ponyo on his lap, scooping the dog up and locking the two of you in the bathroom. a couple minutes later, you open the door to let ponyo scurry over to his dads, who coo softly once they see him come around the sofa.

“when did you have time to do this?”

“my pants were a little long, so i hemmed them one night after you guys passed out on the sofa watching your old volleyball matches. i kinda guessed ponyo’s measurements based on standard info i found on the internet, but it fits perfectly so i’m glad!” looking at the little sweater you made for your new family member out of the extra fabric from your pj pants, you couldn’t stop the pleased grin that broke out on your face. “now even ponyo matches with us!”

while your gaze was trained on the tiny dog that was exploring his new home, theirs were stuck on you, your resemblance with a proud mother struck something in them, giving them thoughts of you with their children. yes, children. but for now they shoved those images to the backs of their minds, meeting each other’s stares to confirm they were all in silent agreement.

“we’re gonna make breakfast, you just sit there ‘n look pretty while you watch ponyo, yea?” issei announces before pulling you into a searing kiss as he walks by. 

“not that that’s hard for you,” iwa tags on, kissing your cheek and ruffling your hair following mattsun into the kitchen.

“but i’m always hard for you.” you yelp when hiro playfully slaps your ass, flipping him off as he trails after the other two with a loud hoot. tooru comes up behind you and rubs your sore cheek, spinning you around so that you were face to face.

“why’d you do this to me, y/n-chan?” you meet his frown with a confused look of your own. “now it’s gonna be even harder for me to go back to argentina.”

“oh, tooru,” you wrap your arms around his neck, standing on your tiptoes to bring him close. “you have the next few weeks to spend with us and our new baby.” as if he knew you were talking about him, ponyo pads over to sit by your feet, tail wagging. oikawa sighs melodramatically.

“a few weeks is nothing compared to the months i’ll be gone!” 

“oi, shittykawa, you better not be complaining after everything this morning,” hajime hollers from the kitchen.

“love you, too, iwa-chan!” tooru calls back instinctively then he looks back down at you, his eyes giving away how much leaving will hurt him and it nearly makes you tear up with him.

“tooru, baby, it sucks every time you leave us, but you’re following your dreams and doing what you love. and we want to support you all the way, even if it means doing so from across the world. but with my new work schedule, i’ll be able to call or text you pretty much whenever. and just think how much sweeter it’ll be the next time you do come home to us. so don’t be too sad, okay, my love? we’ll all be here waiting for you.” 

as the last words leave your lips, tooru has you pulled flush against him, arms wrapped tight around your body. his face was hidden, but you could feel the sobs in hot breaths against your shoulder. you guided him over to the sofa and let him cry, petting his hair and peppering kisses on his tear-streaked face until he tired himself out. 

issei, hajime, and takahiro come out of the kitchen with stacks of pancakes and all the fixings, setting them down on the coffee table in front of you once they see tooru snoozing in your lap. iwa picks ponyo up before he could get a bite of your breakfast while you gently shake your boyfriend awake. mattsun and makki set up ponyo’s crate and bedding, leaving him with a toy to keep him occupied while the five of you filled up your plates.

sitting in the living room of the apartment you shared with your four boyfriends on christmas day, stuffing your face with fruit and whipped cream topped pancakes that they made, in matching pajamas with your new rescue dog scampering about, you couldn’t ask for a better gift underneath the tree.

taglist: @lovemeafterhrs​ @sachirou-senpai​ @honey-makki​ @kenmaki​

[ice-cream-nekogirl]

you didn’t mean to say “I love you” (Bakugou Katsuki x Reader)

“I love you...”

“What...?” You asked incredulously, disbelief even in your expression as Katsuki just stared at you angrily, form trembling as if even he couldn’t believe the words he just said to you. But then his crimson eyes widened when he heard a snicker leave you as you chuckled and shook your head.

Summary: After everything that’s happened from the war with the Paranormal Liberation Front and after yet another brush with death, Katsuki finally tells you how he feels about you.

Pairing: Bakugou X Reader Warning: Language, angst, mentions of mental health issues, spoiler alerts for the recent chapters Word Count: 11.4 k

Happy early holidays y'all~. Been forever! But I managed to freaking do this! Let's see what else I can write out. :3 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fvj6PE3gN4o

You couldn’t stop the loud yawn leaving you as you fought your way out of a sleeping spell, because you reminded yourself that you couldn’t just fall asleep in a public park especially since you were out with your friends Izuku and Shoto, along with your puppy Taromaru. Whom looked up at you with a concerned little whine.

“Are you tired (Y/N)?” Shoto politely asked, just as concerned as your little puppy was because that was about the fifth time you’ve yawned, and yes, he kept count of it. “A bit… but that’s pretty normal for me.” You gave him a lopsided smile and shrugged your shoulders, even though that didn’t ease his concern, or Izuku’s as he looked at you with worried eyes. “Have you been sleeping well (Y/N)-chan?” He’s been one of your best friends alongside Katsuki, the three of you practically grew up together, and while Katsuki liked to keep his distance, you stuck by Izuku and gladly invited Shoto into your friend group and you liked to hang out with them. Katsuki on the other hand? As much as you adored your boyfriend, you knew that he preferred to be by himself and was easily annoyed whenever Izuku and Shoto were around, and with you especially. It’s been like that lately, but you didn’t get it, you just assumed Katsuki was being Katsuki. “Oh honey I haven’t slept well since I was in kindergarten.” You chuckled lightly, even though Izuku looked a little bit serious, and that made you sigh. “I know, I need to work on it… but honestly it’s just… a lot right now you know? Tests and… stuff… after everything… Guys… it’s been what? 6- or 7-months tops since we got out of a fucking war? And we’re still doing this bullshit? I just wish they’d give us a break but they’re not… makes me wonder just… how long and I keep going… in fact… sometimes I don’t even think I can… I can’t keep up with you guys… and that just… really makes me feel like garbage, worse than that… I just… if I close my eyes, I wish I could close them and skip through all of this…” 

Averting your eyes, you stared at your lap when you spoke up a little bit about how exhausted you were and how stressed out you had been feeling because it’s been too much for you. You and your friends literally survived the war with the Paranormal Liberation Front, and not everyone came out of it unscathed. There were things you were never going to unsee, your friend’s terrified faces, Aizawa-sensei’s prosthetic limb after cutting off his own leg, and then your Izuku and Katsuki barely coming out of it alive when the smoke eventually cleared.

You almost lost your best friends; you almost lost your Katsuki… There’s no way you were okay, and it was so hard to go to sleep at night sometimes when you thought too hard on it. It was so hard to even look at your boyfriend without thinking about the horrible, traumatic things he had to endure. Even before fighting Shigaraki. It was just hard, hard to acknowledge that you almost lost him. “Aroooooo…” You only perked up when Taromaru whimpered, nuzzling against your leg as if trying to comfort you as you looked down at the sweet pup, unable to help but smile at him and reached down to pet his head. “It’s okay (Y/N)-chan.” Izuku seemed to follow Taromaru’s lead as he gave you a soft smile, wanting to reassure you even though you were sad, he wanted to make you feel better somehow. “I… I understand what you’re saying, and why you feel the way you do… Believe me I’m… still trying to readjust even after all of that. It was… scary. We got out alive, but it’s almost like it happened yesterday… and I think about our friends, how we fought so hard just to stay alive and keep everyone else alive and-.” As he spoke, you put your arm around him and rested your head on his shoulder as a way to comfort him. Even if Izuku wasn’t the most expressive when it came to his own horrors, he still understood why you felt the way you did. However, you still knew that deep down his own suppressed trauma was starting to emerge so you offered him some comfort, and distracted him as he squeaked at the closeness and began to blush heavily at the feeling of your skin on his. “(Y-Y/N)-chan…!” “I’m so glad we got out alive… all of us…” You said softly with a little smile, that’s one thing Izuku was right about. All of you were alive, and all of you made it out alive. Just not quite the same, everything returned to normal, but some were still having nightmares after the war. Naturally, you gravitated towards the ones who needed the comfort because it distracted you from your own inner turmoil and because you were more worried about your friends than you were yourself. “(Y/N).” It was Shoto’s turn to say something, and you looked up to see him and pay attention, “Midoriya’s right. It is okay, but… it’s also okay, if you’re not okay. What you feel right now… it’s okay. Although… you will need to get more sleep, it won’t be okay if you fall asleep in class, or in a park…” Shoto knew how to reassure you, which surprised you but the boy was more empathetic than people took him for. And he made you smile because he was so understanding, that you felt a little more validated, glad to know that it was okay that you weren’t in the best spirits as of now. You picked your head up, giving him a nod and a smile. “Hee-hee… if I fall asleep in this park… I got you guys to wake me up don’t I?” You made a small joke, and made the two boys chuckle and smile at you, and Taromaru happily barked with a cheerful ‘arf’! “And we have Taromaru to be on guard for us.” Grinning, you pat your lap to gesture Taromaru to do jumpies, as the little pup leaped up and sat on your lap, earning a bigger smile from Izuku as he pet the small pup. Something Shoto couldn’t help but find very endearing, while he’s petted more cats before, Taromaru was a sweet dog, and he took a liking to the little guy as he gave him a small pet on the head. Only to cringe a little bit when he felt the little pup’s warm tongue lick at his palm. But this just made you and Izuku laugh out loud when you saw the look on his face, neither one of you seeing the light pink tinting his cheeks. And neither of you saw nor sensed that Katsuki was around and paused just in time to see you, Izuku and Shoto just talking about things, about how all of you felt, and then he watched the three of you just laughing and smiling together… He watched the scene with an indiscernible expression. He wondered where the hell you were at, and Denki said that you were with Izuku and Shoto at the park with Taromaru. Which alone infuriated Katsuki because you didn’t even bother telling him where you went and he had to have Denki tell him. Now you were with Deku and Icyhot? That didn’t surprise him, but it still bugged him. You’ve been doing that for far too long, and Katsuki began to wonder why them? And why not him? Was it because he wasn’t the best boyfriend sometimes? He had a feeling that had to be why, but it still bothered him. He’s known about your terrible eating habits, sleeping habits and poor health overall. You weren’t the best at taking care of yourself, he knew whenever you were down, and he called you on your bullshit several times, and even though you opened up. You didn’t open up nearly as much as you did to Izuku and Shoto. But why? Why couldn’t you open up to him? Why couldn’t you give him that kind of attention? Why didn’t you talk to him? Why couldn’t you confide in him when he knows damn well about what you were talking about too? All of you were there during the war and witnessed horrible things happening and experienced physical or emotional pain, so why weren’t you talking to him about it? He understood, he really did understand so why didn’t you come to him? These thoughts were screaming in his head as he narrowed his eyes, just seeing you laughing without a care in the world with those two, playing with your dog and probably forgetting that he even existed. He couldn’t take it anymore, he clenched his fists and sucked in a breath before leaving in a huff. You remained oblivious for some time until you and the guys decided that it was a good idea to get back to the dorms. Maybe a good nap would also help, and you had your Taromaru to make you feel comfortable too as you, Izuku and Shoto walked you back to the dorms. “Well… I’ll see you guys later okay? Tell your mamas I said ‘hi’ okay?” Izuku and Shoto told you on the way that they were going to visit their families, they had been doing that a little more as of late but especially after everything that had happened. Which you understood as they both smiled at you and nodded, reassuring you that they would definitely tell them that you said ‘hi’ as they both walked away and waved at you. Smiling, you waved at them as they left and walked back into the dorm building with your eager puppy following you with his tail wagging. Perhaps you should have gone home too, but once you got inside the building all you wanted to do was just go to your room and go to sleep or maybe just nap in the common room because it was closer. Maybe also ask Katsuki how he was doing, since you kind of forgot to tell him where you were going today. Not that you were obligated to but you knew that he would get worried about you and liked to make sure that you were okay, and while you appreciated how much he did care, there were some things you just didn’t and wouldn’t bother him about. Your problems were your problems, not his, he had plenty of problems and you weren’t going to drag him into any of them. So, you gave him his space, and you valued the space you had to be by yourself and just enjoyed your own company, or maybe one or two of your other closer friends simply because it was comfortable. You didn’t want to bother your boyfriend, and you knew that he preferred to do his own thing, even after everything that’s happened, it was just more comfortable knowing that he had his act together. Yeah that’s it, it made you feel better and less concerned as you sat down on the couch and let your puppy jump on with you. Time to either fall asleep or watch Netflix to fall asleep to. “Oi, Shitty Girl.” You perked up however once you heard a voice, Katsuki’s for that matter as you looked around and saw him leaning against the wall of the hall, hands in his pockets and with his signature scowl that made you smile a little bit. “Oh hey Kat… didn’t see you there.” Your tone was way too casual for his liking, and he hated the way you said it. You didn’t see him? He knew it, he knew you had been ignoring him. “Tch, I was standing here the whole time dumbass…” He indignantly remarked, but you just brushed that off as his typical brashness as you chuckled and shook your head. “Hee-hee, that’s my bad… but uh… hey I just got here, was gonna head up to my room but… don’t feel like it, I think I’ll just chill down here… feel free to sit with me and chill too.” It was almost a flirt as you smiled at him, but he wasn’t looking at you for some reason, instead he stared at his feet. As if he were trapped in the mindset where all of those thoughts were screaming at him to fixate on them instead. “Where did you go?” That’s all Katsuki could bring himself to ask you, even though he knew the answer because he was there and he saw you. Except you didn’t know that, and he bitterly thought that it’s because you ‘didn’t see him there’. “Oh… um…” The more you thought about it though, the more you started to feel bad since you normally did tell him where you went, but had started forgetting lately. “Nowhere really, just the local park nearby.” You shrugged it off though, since that’s where you liked to go there often. You and Katsuki liked to go there, just to walk around, but not as of late. Instead you went with other friends, including Izuku and Shoto and he was aware of that because he saw the pictures on your Instagram page of the places you went without him. “Did you go alone?” Katsuki knew the answer too, but he needed to hear what you had to say, hope for some kind of honesty from you, or just to get you to say more to him. Although you were starting to feel kind of nervous about his questions, and you started to wonder if he was feeling okay, but before you could ask, you answered his question. “No, no I wasn’t alone… I had Taromaru with me. And also, Izuku and Shoto had some free time so I let them tag along because I thought I could stand to get up out of here a little bit and I did, just to unwind.” So you could tell him that much? He wondered to himself, but just hearing Izuku and Shoto’s names and the fact that you were just so damn blasé about the entire thing and not even reading in between the lines was enough to set him off as he grunted aloud in pure aggravation.

“Deku! Deku! Deku! Icyhot! Icyhot! Icyhot!” 

He shouted it out, the two nicknames of the two people that he couldn’t bear to even hear at the moment and hearing them leave your lips just completely enraged him. 

However, his sudden outburst startled and made you gasp with wide (E/C) eyes because you didn’t expect that at all. And you had no idea why he just got so pissed. He looked so pissed, more so than normal but you didn’t even know why as you looked up at him with shock and confusion, but that just pissed him off even more. 

“DAMMIT!! You don’t even fucking think about ME anymore!” His trembling fists clenched at his side as he looked at the bewilderment all over your face. Unable to believe that you were that oblivious to him.

“W-What?! What the hell are you talking about…?” You didn’t get it, why was he so pissed off? What was he pissed off about now? Just because you spent time with Izuku and Shoto. They were your friends and you could spend time with them whenever you wanted. 

“Are you mad just because I was out with them?” You sighed when you assumed that he was probably just jealous as he normally was. “Katsuki I know you have a bug up your ass when it comes to Izuku and Shoto but honestly you need to grow-.” He seemed to drown out what you were saying, ignoring how much it was starting to sing but that didn’t matter. What mattered is that he wanted to know why you kept ignoring him. He wasn’t even jealous, or at least, it wasn’t typical petty jealousy, it came from a place of hurt. 

“What’s the deal... going to places with them? Telling them all of these important things...” He cut you off and asked you straight up why you felt so comfortable talking to them, but not him. He was your boyfriend, while he’d never force you, it still hurt knowing that you didn’t open up to him the way you could to other friends. 

But you didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, all you could tell was that he still seemed upset for some reason. “Oh... right, the park… well hey I mean... it’s not like the places I go with them to are places you’d even like, literally you don’t like the theater, you’re not a fan of the pet store and you’re not... wait, what are you getting at?” 

At first you were confused, but now you were starting to listen to what he was asking and what he was trying to get across to you.

“You’re struggling in class! And your health! I already knew but dammit... why don’t you tell ME these things?!” He was terrible with his feelings, but he thought he at least got his point across about how much he cared about your health and it hurt knowing that you didn’t tell him about anything you had an issue with. 

This you were partially aware of though as you almost looked ashamed for a moment because he was right. You had neglected to tell Katsuki about all of those things, both out of pride and out of shame, “That’s just because I don’t want you to worry Katsuki...” You said with a sigh, these were your problems. The last thing you wanted was to drag Katsuki into them because he’s been through so much and has fought so hard that you couldn’t and you wouldn’t just drag him into it. It was bad enough you made Izuku and Shoto give you the time of day over your dumb issues, you couldn’t do that to Katsuki too.

“Why?” But Katsuki still didn’t understand why you didn’t want him to worry, when he wanted to because you were his partner dammit. He wanted to worry about you because he cared about you, even if he had a hard time saying such a personal thing.  

“What?” You perked up with even more confusion when he asked ‘why’? Why what? 

“Why won’t you let me worry? When you’ll tell fucking Deku and Icyhot? Why do you let them worry about you? You just don’t care at all do you?” He looked away, fists still clenched and beginning to tremble at the feelings of anger and hurt twisting inside of his chest, and he couldn’t shake it off. 

Katsuki didn’t show weakness, he hated it, he always put up a strong front, but the fact that you kept these important things from him, but instead confided in Izuku and Shoto of all people, that hurt. And it hurt even more that you seemed more concerned about them than him, and opted to just ignore how he felt after he had been through the same things they had.  

“Katsuki... what are you? How dare you?! Of course I care!” You did care, of course you did, how could he even ask that? You were constantly worried about him; did you ask him about the things that bothered him? Well no you didn’t, but if he wasn’t so fucking proud, you’d ask him more. Except he didn’t, so you didn’t ask him that much because you knew that he’d just get annoyed with you. 

“You have a funny way of showing it!” He quickly replied, tone not quieting down because he didn’t believe it. He knew he had this ridiculous pride that kept him from speaking up much, but he still felt ignored by you over the past couple of months. After all Icyhot was proud in his own right, but that apparently didn’t stop you from going over to talk to him about how he felt. 

“Really? I have a funny way of showing it? Says the guy who’s ditched 2 of our dates and lets his pride and these dumb pissing contests with the guys get in the way of things. C’mon Katsuki, don’t be a hypocrite.” You almost got up, because you felt like leaving this dumb conversation. Sometimes you just could not with him, and right now you could not with him, especially if he was going to be this way as you shook his head, but Katsuki wasn’t going to let you just walk away from this. 

“I get it! I know! But… you don’t even talk to me! You don’t come to me, you don’t tell me anything! I’m not stupid! I know you’re not okay when you say you are, I know you’ve been pretending to be okay for the past couple of months, and I know you haven’t been okay since we faced off the damn villains! And then you… you fucking…” He seemed to struggle at that last part; he was well aware that he wasn’t the best boyfriend to you, but he wanted to make an effort, at least as of late. He made sure you didn’t stay up too late, and also made sure you had a decent breakfast instead of junk food, but lately he felt as if he’s just been getting nothing from you in return. 

“I what?” You shrugged your shoulders and raised your arms with an irritated look, wondering just what did you do this time to make him mad. 

“You... you got that damn dog!” Katsuki practically shouted, his tone completely incredulous but still angry as said dog perked up a bit, tilting his head in confusion.

“What...? What does Taromaru have to do with any of this?!” You were straight-up offended though, why was he getting mad at your dog now? What did Taromaru ever do to him?

“Stop acting like you don’t get it! After… all the shit that we’ve been through… I know that you’re not okay, you say you are but I know its bullshit… and yet you got a dog to make you feel better! A dog (Y/N)?! Why not me?! You should be holding ME at night, not a dog! It’s ME you should come to if you’re feeling messed up! Not Deku or Icyhot!” Katsuki went on a small tangent, pointing at himself to emphasize that he wanted you to talk to him, to come to him when you weren’t feeling okay and yet still you got Taromaru for emotional comfort and talked to Izuku and Shoto about your problems instead of him.

He was YOUR boyfriend, he’s the one you should be able to trust enough to seek comfort and company from, and yet you’ve been just ignoring him for months.

Finding comfort and company from others. Including from a freaking dog, over him. 

However, he winced ever so slightly when he heard a soft little whine coming from Taromaru and he saw the pup looking almost like he was sad. Bakugou wasn’t exactly as close to the dog as everyone else was, but while he didn’t like the affection you gave to the freaking dog instead of him, your boyfriend, it’s not like it was Taromaru’s fault. 

“Unbelievable... is your ego really that fragile you pompous asshole?” You did understand, but because of the way he was acting and because you were getting angry, you could only reply back with annoyance and that just made him even more annoyed. 

“Are you really that stupid?! Can’t you see what I’m trying to tell you, you idiot?! Do you really think that low of yourself? Or do you just not even care? Answer me that!” 

“Stop saying I don’t care! I do! I care about you Katsuki!” 

“Well I care about you too dammit!! Don’t you get that?! I know I can be a real shitty boyfriend and I know I have been, but… fuck!” He shut his eyes and shouted louder, seeming to be at war with himself until he opened his eyes and looked right into your (E/C) eyes. Eyes he had taken for granted as he took in your form, the parts he loved about you and the things he missed about you. The way you would smile at him or laugh, he missed that…

“(Y/N)… dammit… I love you...”

It’s not true…

“What...?” You asked incredulously, disbelief even in your expression as Katsuki just stared at you angrily, form trembling as if even he couldn’t believe the words he just said to you. But then his crimson eyes widened when he saw a small grin on your lips, a snicker leaving as you chuckled and shook your head in what sounded like amusement.

“Funny Katsuki... We’re not even half-way through our second year… I mean… no you can’t be serious… no... no way... I don’t... I don’t think that’s true...” 

Katsuki was the boy you loved, but you weren’t even sure if it was that ‘real’ kind of love that people liked to shove down your throat. Saying you didn’t know what real love was, and you started to think that maybe they were right.

So Katsuki couldn’t have meant it when he said the words to you right? You were aware that he had been through one hell of an ordeal throughout his entire first year here at UA, so you wondered if he even knew what love was. Or if he was just saying that due to the fact that he was clearly very emotional right now and that this was nothing but another one of his impulsive outbursts that he would just take back later.

“...”

Yet once the silence became uncomfortably apparent you finally glanced at him, and blinked a bit, almost wondering if you were seeing this right but you couldn’t even recognize the expression on your boyfriend. His eyes appeared to be glistening ever so slightly along with a subtle quiver of his lips.

That was definitely not like the Katsuki you were used to see.

Bakugou was not quiet. Not often. He was known for being loud, opinionated and honest to a fault, and he let everyone know it. He could be quiet, but this was a different kind of quiet. It was still, tense and making you increasingly uncomfortable especially when he gritted his teeth as if to attempt to keep his lips from trembling.

“So that’s how you feel…?”

His tone was different, it wasn’t the usual angry, gruff tone. In fact, he sounded like he was almost hurt by what you said.

No… “W-Wha…?” You didn’t want to believe it, was your boyfriend really that upset? You wanted to ask but the blond just swiftly turned his head and took a few steps away from you, and your eyes fell on his back and you flinched as soon as you heard the smallest hitch in his breath.  

“A-Are you… are you really crying?! Y-You don’t cry!”  You didn’t mean to raise your tone, but you were genuinely shocked. Not your best choice of words, yet still you couldn’t fight the shock, because you haven’t seen Katsuki cry since he was 9 years old. And based on the way his body started tremoring, you were starting to think you were right.  

“No!”

Katsuki only got more defensive, aside from feeling hurt by you now he just felt insulted as he brought an arm up to cover his eyes even if he had his back to you. God why was he so pathetic? 

But he wasn’t going to let you have the satisfaction of seeing him like this. No matter how much his body and stupid feelings were making him. He hated this. He hated that he was being so weak and then he hated that he was so weak that he was outright showing this much weakness to you. 

“H-Hey now… Kat…” You couldn’t lie, you weren’t comfortable with this, but at the same time you felt so bad for him, and then you were feeling even worse when it became apparent that he felt like you were ignoring him. And you wanted to say something and reach out for him, but as soon as he sensed you moving closer, he quickly backed away and glared at you with flushed cheeks and tears in his eyes.

“Dumbass!! Dammit (Y/N) you… you’re such an idiot!!”

He shouted at you, voice cracking slightly through his anger, and he quickly turned away to storm off away from you in a huff as he took off in a fast dash while you could only watch him with wide (E/C) eyes.

“Katsuki!” You called out for him, but the blonde left without another word and didn’t dare look over his shoulder as he just kept running. And you were left with your arm out in a futile attempt to reach for him as you just stood there with pure shock, confusion and guilt over what just happened between you and your boyfriend.

No way, you didn’t really make the ultra-tough guy, Lord Explosion Murder, up-and-coming rising hero Great Explosion Murder God Dynamight, Katsuki Bakugou cry? How was that possible?

Tell me I’ve been lied to Crying isn't like you Oh-oh-oh What the hell did I do? Never been the type to Let someone see right through Oh-oh-oh

“What did you just do…?” You asked yourself, even though you were also wondering what did Katsuki just do? Did he mean what he said when he said ‘I love you’ to you?

“No way…” Shaking your head, you fell right back onto the couch to massage your temples when you heard him say ‘I love you’ again. It just happened, yet in your mind it was still happening. The three words echoed in your head like a sad song on replay and you couldn’t bring yourself to change it to a happier tune.

Katsuki wasn’t the kind of guy to just be so open about his feelings or emotions. Crying wasn’t something he did often, telling you his honest feelings wasn’t something he did often. If anything, Izuku was the one lucky enough to get that kind of sincerity from him, not you.

You accepted that thought, even if it still made you sad there was nothing you could do about it, so you thought. “Katsuki… you idiot…” You wanted to blame him for this, for making you feel guilty about something you didn’t want to feel guilty about. Even though you did feel guilty, you felt horrible in fact.

Of course, you knew your boyfriend would never guilt-trip you, Katsuki never played dirty like that in anything. Yet you still felt like one lousy partner, if he was so upset about this that he blew up to you about it because he couldn’t ignore his feelings anymore and call you out on it. You were the one who usually called him on his bullshit, so having it be the other way around was far from pleasant.

A small whine interrupted your thoughts as Taromaru jumped on the couch to sit on your lap, looking over at you with what you believed was concern as he even licked your cheek. “Hee-hee…” Giggling a little bit and sadly smiling, you pet the puppy on the head.

“Taromaru… do you think… Katsuki really meant that? Do you really think he meant to say I love you?” You felt ridiculous for asking a puppy such a complicated question, especially about your abrasive boyfriend that Taromaru didn’t even get along with that much. Yet still the puppy responded by giving you more licks on your cheek as his tail wagged happily.

Snickering, you almost forlornly wondered if that was Taromaru’s way of saying ‘yes’ because you knew Katsuki wasn’t a liar. He was an emotional young man, but he wasn’t a liar, especially not about how he felt about others.

“He didn’t mean that… no… he couldn’t have… why me…?” You wondered to yourself with your eyebrows furrowed as you walked back to your room with Taromaru following you. There was nothing else you could do other than stumble over to plop down onto your bed.

You felt weak, still in shock from the three words Katsuki told you not long ago. It just happened, but that’s why you were still in shock that it just happened.

Katsuki had to be joking, but he wasn’t the joking type. So why did you doubt him?

“I love you…?” You repeated his words with uncertainty, muttering them to yourself as if you were trying to find some other underlying meaning to how Katsuki said it.

You can’t take those words back once you say them. Platonically or romantically. Which was it from him

“I love you…”

Saying the words with a little more thought, you wondered just what did Katsuki mean when he said them. Love was scary, saying it was scary, especially to your partner. You knew you shouldn’t have felt so hesitant about it but you couldn’t help it.

Maybe won't you take it back Say you were tryna make me laugh And nothing has to change today You didn't mean to say "I love you" I love you and I don't want to Oh-oh-oh

So instead of figuring it out yourself, you called your right-hand man and another one of your best guy friends.

“(Y/N)? What’s up?”

“Hitoshi I need your help with something.”

Maybe calling Hitoshi was a mistake, because he wasn’t the most touchy-feely guy in the world but he had a soft spot enough for you so you kinda hoped that he would tell you some decent enough advice or even reassure you with a pretty good interpretation of what Katsuki could have meant.

“He said that?” Hitoshi sounded just as shocked when you told him that yes, Katsuki said those three little words that even made him feel nervous as you sighed, nodding even though Hitoshi couldn’t see it, he knew you were.

“Yeah and like… I don’t think I reacted the way anyone would want someone to… I said that… I didn’t think he meant it, he got upset and then he just left…” The more you recounted what happened between you and Katsuki, the guiltier you felt as you cringed a bit when you heard a little tongue click coming from Hitoshi.

“What’s that Hitoshi? That’s your judgy tongue click I hear…” You muttered in annoyance as Hitoshi scoffed in amusement.

“Look… Bakugo’s not my friend at all, and I’m not on his side at all either but… yeah that probably wasn’t the best way to react to those three words… and to a guy like him? Yikes… his ego is so massive I’m sure that gave it a serious bruise.” He answered pretty bluntly because while he didn’t see himself partnering up with anyone soon, he knew that if his partner reacted that way, he wouldn’t have taken it very well.

“I now right…? God… I just… that’s such a serious word to tell someone… I feel like… maybe he really did mean it… that idiot’s been through so much… he almost died, he still has his power and all and is in one piece but… there was a moment where I thought… what if he didn’t open his eyes? What if he lost the power he’s been so proud of and… what if he wasn’t the same when he came back and just… I don’t know… I really just… don’t want to even go back to anything like that, even if it was months ago it’s like it happened yesterday and…” As you opened up to Hitoshi about how confused you were about what Katsuki said, you also shared how you really felt about him, and he began to think maybe that’s why you didn’t believe him when he said he loved you.

“Now I see what he means, I’m doing it now… oh my god… you know… I’ve been worrying about literally everyone else… except for Katsuki… I mean I AM worried, I’m worried about him all the damn time but… I don’t know… somewhere along the lines I just… stopped showing it because I have… SO much on my mind, I’m SO fucking worried about my other friends and I’m not afraid of them pushing me away so it’s easier to show them but I… I shouldn’t have just ended up pushing him away in the process…” But then you realized that you were totally opening up to Hitoshi about your problems, and that was another reason Katsuki got upset because you could do this to other people but not him? Well, he did too but you assumed he never really opened up to anyone.

“Hey now… it’s fine really… I mean it’s okay that you feel bad about it, but you’ve been through a lot too, don’t beat yourself up. Look… I wasn’t there when all that stuff went down but… I see what you mean and it makes perfect sense. After everything you’ve seen and been through, the idea of loving someone becomes scarier. I mean… you said everyone came back in pretty bad shape… I remember how you were scared as hell, so… while it wasn’t the best way to react, I don’t blame you for how you reacted (Y/N). But… Bakugo is kind of an ass so… I guess you can explain it to him? Maybe give it a shot… and if he doesn’t get it, just let me know so I can kick his ass.” He and Bakugo weren’t really friends, so he wouldn’t have a problem brainwashing him and kicking him where it hurts should he hurt your feelings in any way.

You couldn’t help but laugh at the thought, even though if anyone could beat Katsuki, Hitoshi can. Katsuki literally can’t keep his trap shut so you were pretty confident that Hitoshi could beat him, but right now, you didn’t want it to lead to that. “Thanks Tosh… I’ll talk to him. I haven’t done that enough so… I will… thanks again…” Sighing, you smiled even though Hitoshi couldn’t see it, he knew you were smiling.

“No problem (Y/N). See you later all right? But… I guess… call me whenever you need anything else…” He ended on a slightly awkward note, but you knew that was just his way of trying to act all cool as you snickered a bit.

“Of course Hitoshi. Back at you… thanks again.” Your tone was amused as he just scoffed before the two of you said your goodbyes and hung up. Only you were left with disappointment to no longer have a friend to talk to and even more disappointment with yourself when you realized how you messed up with Katsuki.

You didn’t mean to; you really didn’t mean to but it was hard. After everything Izuku and Shoto had been through, you were scared for them and it was easier to get them to open up somewhat. Or that’s just what you told yourself, you felt more comfortable worrying about them, and not so much with Katsuki.

He was so proud and strong that you didn’t think you could hurt his feelings. But you did.

He told you he loved you, probably out of desperation to get you to see how he really felt, that he wanted you and needed you and you just laughed at it and didn’t even believe him.

“Katsuki…” You closed your teary eyes when you felt heat pooling in them and wiped any that tried to slip away and quickly went to his number. Calling him would be much too after what just happened, so you just left your phone like that on his number and tried to get your mind off of it by watching TV for a few hours.

You were terrified. You were terrified of talking to him about it, terrified to apologize after hurting him like that because what if he didn’t forgive you? What if he really was going to take it back? What if he was going to break up with you? What if you hurt him worse than you thought especially when he was clearly still traumatized from the war?

The more horrifying thoughts came to your mind, the more you felt almost dizzy as you just stared blankly with wide (E/C) eyes and you couldn’t even hear Taromaru’s barks. Until his paws on your legs made you blink and return to reality as his anxious whimpering and whines became more apparent.

“S-Sorry boy, I’m sorry, I’m okay…” You inhaled and exhaled deeply, remembering to just breathe as you pet the puppy with a shaky smile.

“I gotta talk to him…” Taking another deep breath, you grabbed your phone, it was still on Katsuki’s number and you didn’t call him, but you did send him a message.

‘I wanna talk to you.’

Those were the only words you could bring yourself to text, and of course you didn’t get a reply back. You knew you wouldn’t but you still hoped that he would reply to you back.

Waiting and sitting on your bed, your nerves were quickly becoming frenzied when the seconds and minutes felt much too slow. You could only anxiously await a message from your dear boyfriend if you would even get one as you lied down on your bed, eyes still glued to your phone just waiting for a vibration or the notification sound to go off.

Taromaru lied down right by your stomach as if he could sense how anxious you were, and all you could do to soothe yourself was stroking his fur and pet him gently.

A sharp gasp left you when the notification sound went off, and you instantly sat up from your bed, throwing your hand to your heart in alarm as you looked to see your phone glowing. You quickly snatched it up to see if it was from Katsuki.

‘Fine.’

Your breathing came out in soft little pants, a surge of relief slowly coursing through your being when Katsuki did answer you. But you blinked your tired (E/C) eyes in shock when you realized that at least two hours had passed by.

Taromaru whimpered up at you softly, rubbing his head against your side and reaching up so he could lick your face as if he was trying to comfort you. Smiling softly, you giggled and felt a smidgen more courage to reply to him.

‘First floor when everyone’s asleep? Or my room?’

Nobody was on the first floor at night-time, and you couldn’t be outside the dorm building now that the school’s security had been doubled after the events of the war. So you would have to either talk to Katsuki in private in the comfort of your room or the first floor.

‘Whichever stupid.’

He was clearly still mad and you sighed a little bit as you replied with a ‘My room’, wondering if that was the best choice as you petted Taromaru for more comfort. You were scared when the war between the villains happened, so why were you so fucking terrified to just talk with your boyfriend? It shouldn’t be that hard…

Up all night on another red eye I wish we never learned to fly I-I-I Maybe we should just try To tell ourselves a good lie I didn't mean to make you cry I-I-I

The rest of the day was awkward. Even on the moments you and Katsuki crossed paths, neither one of you could bring yourselves to say anything. You both agreed to talk in your rooms and that was that. Which is why having dinner with the others wasn’t very comfortable because you could both feel each other’s presences when you were in the same rooms.

You had to ignore it though, for now you had to pretend in front of your friends and classmates that everything was okay and that nothing was on your mind. Just as you had been for the past couple of months, so it shouldn’t have been hard.

Thankfully they all brought it, except maybe Izuku and Shoto, but this time they didn’t ask about it since they had the uncanny ability to tell that this issue wasn’t quite like the ones you shared with them earlier today.

Although you ate as much as you could, your stomach still had butterflies because you were finally going to talk to your boyfriend after what felt like months. Even the small talk the two of you made wasn’t much talking, the more you thought about it, it has been a while since you had a real, thoughtful conversation with Katsuki. And that was why he was so angry with you, something that still shocked you but that’s what it was.

You just hoped that Katsuki had cooled down somewhat after the argument you both had today. Once everyone else turned in, that was your cue to just go back to your room, with Taromaru in tow as he followed right by your side.

A small, but sharp gasp left you though as you picked your head up to see no one other than your Katsuki leaning on the wall right next to your door, just waiting for you. How long had he been there? You wondered, but now you were a mix of nervous and relieved. Nervous because you could still see the scowl on his face, and it made you wonder if he was still angry with you, and relieved because he was really here and had enough maturity to come to you despite his visible anger.

“Hey Kat.” You spoke and gave him a small wave when you got close enough to him, and although you didn’t expect an answer, Katsuki surprised you by giving you a small huff in response.

You opened the door for him to let him into your room, and you also wondered how long it’s been since you last had him in your room as he took a seat on your chair and you sat on your bed. How pitiful. Katsuki wasn’t a perfect boyfriend, and you liked to complain about that, but this just made you realize that you weren’t exactly an ideal partner either.

But that’s why you were both here, to hopefully talk about it in a peaceful manner without arguing. Taromaru was here to ease your anxiety, you just hoped Katsuki wouldn’t be bothered by that, but he was more mature than that despite what he said about the dog earlier.

“I think a talk between us is long overdue…” You spoke up to break the uncomfortable silence because you knew Katsuki wasn’t going to do that.

“Now you wanna talk?” He asked somewhat bitterly, hands in his pockets as he didn’t even look over at you as you crossed your arms nervously with a sigh.

“Yes… we… haven’t done that enough, and… that’s partially my fault…” Now you lost the ability to look at him, and of course hearing you say that actually made your boyfriend glance over at you. “I’m not… trying to excuse myself, at all Katsuki. What I said earlier, I meant it… the part about my problems at least, I thought… by not saying anything at all, would make it easier on you. You’re a very busy guy, you’ve been through enough already from last year… it’s been a few months but… I didn’t want to just dump all my problems on you…” As you began your explanation, you fought the irritation when you heard Katsuki scoff.

“Yet that doesn’t stop you from dumping all your problems on Deku and Icyhot, and the other extras…” He reminded you with a small growl, the truth was he didn’t see it as you dumping your problems on someone, instead he just saw it as you opening up to and confiding in everyone else but him. Your boyfriend.

“I know…” You didn’t want to fight with him, so you didn’t. He wasn’t wrong either way, “I hate thinking that’s what I do… but I know that I… confide in them more I just… I don’t know, it’s stupid… it’s not fair to you…”

Katsuki’s eyes narrowed, he didn’t want you to think he didn’t WANT you to confide in your friends, he just wanted you to confide in him a little more, “Those morons are your friends… I just can’t believe you don’t even think that you could talk to me too…” He grumbled in slight embarrassment, even though he’s embarrassed himself plenty today by nearly falling apart in front of you earlier.

However, those were the right words for you to hear as you couldn’t help but sigh in slight relief. You knew Katsuki wasn’t the type of guy to just tell you what you couldn’t do. So, he was just hurt, but because you were the one that he felt hurt by. You didn’t mean to hurt his feelings like that, but you did it.

“I can’t believe it either…”

“So what the hell (Y/N)?” He gruffly asked, awaiting your answer so he could know just what was so wrong that you felt the need to hide all of your problems from him and leave him out of important things that he DID care about. “Why are you leaving me out of things in your life that matter?”

His question stung as you knew you had to give him an answer, he deserved that much and you couldn’t just not talk when you said you wanted to have this talk with him. It didn’t make it any less nerve-wracking though as you inhaled and exhaled. You didn’t expect him to take mercy on you but you could see a glimmer of concern in his displeased expression.

“Katsuki I’m sorry…” You began with an apology, knowing that he did deserve an apology first, “I’m sorry that I… I made you feel like I was ignoring you… I swear I never meant to…” Shaking your head, you braved up to actually look him in the eyes.

“I didn’t mean to make you feel like I didn’t care about you, I care about you… so much… I know it feels like I don’t, but I do… I really, really do and…” Swallowing hard, you had to calm yourself down so you could try and explain it to him.

“I just…” You sighed as you began, voice and figure trembling as you knew this had to be said, “I don’t feel like… talking to you about my problems is the right thing to do… to… tell you everything that’s wrong with me when… it’s hard… it’s hard enough knowing that you’ve gone through… so much worse than I have.” You averted his eyes for a moment, unable to see his slightly indignant look.

Maybe won't you take it back Say you were tryna make me laugh And nothing has to change today You didn't mean to say "I love you" I love you and I don't want to Oh-oh-oh

“Katsuki… you’re a proud guy. I don’t want to make you feel like… I’m undermining you or bruising your pride by making you open up too. Because… I’ve tried, and… when none of those attempts worked, I thought… it would just be better for me to let it be, and only give you what you needed when you came for it. I wanted to be… someone you could count on for a ‘pick me up’ or someone you can hug when you need one. And that’s what I did, but I never… sought you out because… I didn’t want to bruise your pride by doing that, I let you have your space, as you let me have mine.” You explained as best as you could only the first half as you finally glanced into his eyes. His expression hard to read although his eyes were still narrowed as he seemed to permanently looked irritated.

He probably was, but you didn’t know that he was taking your words into consideration. He was pissed at you for closing yourself off, but thinking about what you said just made him remember that he closed himself off just as much, if not more so than you.

“I thought I was putting you first, by giving you what you needed from me and supporting you from the sidelines while I took care of my own things, did things by myself so it didn’t… inconvenience you. With everything that was going on, I thought that I couldn’t possibly bother you with anything going on with me, I knew that you wouldn’t just brush off any issue I brought up but… I still didn’t bring anything up, I wanted to deal with my own problems, I wasn’t going to make my problems yours… and… especially after what we have been through? No way… you’ve been through… too much for me to bother you… and… honestly that’s another thing…” Your (E/C) eyes dulled the more you thought about how the aftermath of the war had really impacted you and the fact that school hadn’t ceased to stress you out.

Katsuki was heeding your words, and as angry as he wanted to be at you for thinking that, he could tell that you really believed that you would just be a problem if you opened up about your problems. He was hurt, but now he had to take a little time to try and understand that. He knew he wasn’t the best boyfriend, he knew he had his own issues and that they had affected you, and that’s something you were afraid of which had inadvertently lead you to neglecting him.

“When… when you said…” You almost couldn’t speak though when you thought about how Katsuki said those words, a thought that made your face warm as Katsuki himself began to blush and grunt lowly. He still couldn’t believe he was dumb enough to tell you that…

“When you said that you loved me that just… that was really fucking scary…”

You were fucking scared. Fucking scared of the words ‘I love you’, because there was no way to take those words back once you said it. And Katsuki told them to you, whether he meant it or not, there’s no way he could take it back.

“Katsuki… I’m… fucking scared… when you say you love someone… and even if you mean it… it’s just so painful. After I almost lost you, I knew that… I did… I really did… l-love you a-and… when you love someone… i-it’s just something else you can lose… that war… really made me realize that… there’s no guarantee… what if I really had… lost you? I don’t… I don’t want to imagine it.” You willed your voice to remain steady despite the tears threatening to form as you inhaled and exhaled to keep breathing, something that didn’t go unnoticed by Katsuki.

“Loving someone changes things… it changes everything, after the things we’ve been through… and… it makes me realize… so many things that hurt and yet… I want that at the same time… God… it makes no sense but… Katsuki…” Biting your bottom lip, you wiped at your eyes to stop any tears that wanted to sneak up and fall.

“I’m afraid because I… I do love you too…” Your tears shined in your glossy (E/C) eyes as one traitorous tear dripped down your face as Katsuki’s eyes only slightly widened as soon as you said the same words. A little late, but still.

But he hated seeing you cry, he hated how miserable you looked, and he almost regretted making you talk to him like this. But he had been wanting to talk to you so he could make you feel better somehow and let you know that he does care about you and wants you to be okay.

“And I’m afraid of that…” Chuckling ruefully you tried to smile at him, but it was wobbly and weak as he scoffed in response. He didn’t want to be insensitive, but that was simply part of his nature.

“Because I’m a shitty boyfriend?” He asked you after your explanation, and you blinked some tears in bewilderment at his response.  “You know it’s true.” He hated admitting it, but it was true. He shouldn’t have acted like such a jerk to you and pushed you away like he had done before, because while you were still with him, you ended up pushing him away too.

He knew that it was his fault too though, “I’m surprised you’ve put up with me for this long Shitty Girl.” He admitted that too, because he knew that he wasn’t the best partner to you, but the fact that you were still with him even after all of that meant that you meant what you had said.

You meant when you said that you loved him, just as he had meant when he said that he loved you.

“I hate… feeling so weak, more than anything… I can’t fucking stand it… the Sludge Villain, when the league of villains had me… when All-Might…” As Katsuki for once began to tell you even more about how he felt, you saw him grunt and struggle to even say how he felt at his lowest when All-Might had to retire. Because of his weakness, because he couldn’t even save himself and it caused his hero to go into retirement.

“When All-Might had to retire… because of me. Then… when damn Deku… went after that guy…” He willingly let himself get hit, to save Izuku and you knew it. But you couldn’t even look at him after he endured such a fatal wound that you were glad hadn’t killed him. Yet still, even in that moment Katsuki felt so weak for being unable to do anything else.

And now he felt so weak for even showing you a little bit of weakness, crying like an idiot and complaining to you about you not giving him attention when he didn’t give you enough attention either.

“I’m so fucking pathetic… it’s not even your fault…” He grabbed at his hair when he thought he was going to break even just a little bit, but then he felt your hand on his shoulder as you gave him a soft, concerned look.

“You are NOT pathetic… and you are NOT weak… everything that happened was beyond anyone’s control… just because they happened… doesn’t mean it’s your fault but Katsuki… it’s okay to FEEL weak… it’s not okay to think you ARE weak because you’re not… you’re the strongest man I know…” Placing your hands on his shoulders, you looked him in the eyes to tell him how much you admired him.

Katsuki was visibly shocked, touched, but also skeptical, like he didn’t or he couldn’t believe you. “Yes I am! I-I can’t even handle it when you don’t give me a little attention even though I’m the asshole who didn’t give YOU attention, dammit! I just fuck everything up…!” He raised his voice, but there was no anger towards you, it was all aimed at himself. There was anger, anguish and so much self-loathing it broke your heart.

“I meant what I said… I do love you but… you’re also right… I had no idea where you even were. I had no idea if you were even okay, if a damn villain got to you or not… when it was all over, all I could think about is that if you got hurt… it would have been my fault because I didn’t do a damn thing to help you…” Katsuki recalled what he could even though he faded in and out of consciousness after the war had ended and he remembered seeing your face when he and Izuku eventually woke up.

He was so relieved to see you alive and well with a few cuts and scratches, but what if it were worse? What if you had been one of the casualties and weren’t so lucky?

“I hate this feeling so fucking much… I hate that loving you makes me feel like this… it’s not even your fault… I-I just… I hate the thought of losing you… I hate being scared of losing you and I hate that I’m a shitty boyfriend who didn’t even help you when you needed it…” He willed back the tears, but they still dripped down his cheeks as your first instinct was to put your arms around him, holding him close as you shut your eyes. Your own tears streamed down your face.

The smile that you gave me Even when you felt like dying

“It’s okay…” You said to him softly, but those two words were enough to send Katsuki over the edge as he pulled away from you even though he didn’t want to leave your arms, he felt like he didn’t even deserve it.

“It’s NOT okay! How is it okay?! I shouldn’t… I should hate that!! I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t be so weak and-!” He wanted to scream more, he wanted to tell you that you shouldn’t even be with him anymore and that you were right to push him away, but you weren’t going to let him.

“No Katsuki it IS… you and I… we’re NOT okay… you’re NOT okay… and I’m NOT okay… that’s why we’re here though… because I should have told you that I wasn’t okay… yes… I wish you told me that you weren’t okay but now I’m telling you… it’s okay… because… I’m still with you because… I want to be… I understand… I just told you that I’m afraid too… and knowing that you are too… don’t you understand how better that makes me feel?” You asked him, the fear evident in your tone and the mistiness in your eyes visible for Katsuki to furrow his brows.

“I want to love you… because I do! I don’t want to be afraid… I don’t want to be afraid of loving the person I want to love but… I am… and yet… at the same time I feel like… I won’t be afraid because you are Katsuki Bakugo. You’re… You’re Great Explosion Murder God Dynamight, the strongest hero I know, the strongest man I know, and… with you I just… I feel like I won’t have to be afraid anymore… how can I be afraid? When I have a man like you in my life?” You smiled crookedly at him as your tears continued to fall, body trembling because even though you were still scared. Katsuki somehow always managed to make you feel safe, protected and at ease despite everything.

You couldn’t tell what he was feeling, you just saw him looking at you with a mix of slight awe, surprise and other emotions you couldn’t read. Katsuki just stared at you, he heard your words and listened to every single thing you told him, saw the look in your eyes the entire time as he could see the love, fear and determination swirling in those (E/C) orbs. He didn’t realize how much he needed to hear that from you, he had been wanting you to hold onto him for so long and yet he pulled away from you like the idiot he was.

So hearing you, seeing you stay with him and tell him how you still wanted to be with him even though you were scared, it made him feel like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. He hated being weak, but he loved being with you, he loved how you made him feel. He needed to be better, hearing you say that you loved him, made him realize that he needed to be better for you.

“Tch…” He scoffed a little bit, making you perk up when you saw one of his trademark smirks even though you knew that he was still afraid, like you were. “You’re not wrong (Y/N)… loving someone is scary but… you’re also not wrong that you don’t have anything to be afraid of with me around… we’ll kill our fears together.”

He declared with his usual determination that made your eyes well up with more tears, a watery smile on your lips as you snickered and snorted at such a phrase. “W-What are you laughing at?!” However, Katsuki couldn’t help but flush in slight embarrassment when you were laughing at him again, except this wasn’t out of mockery he could tell that much. He still didn’t like it though.

“I-I’m sorry! It’s just… that’s… another reason why I love you… you’re right… I want to do that… kill our fears together… you and me Katsuki.” Your smile didn’t fade as you took his hand in yours, and Katsuki promptly squeezed your hand, his own smirk not leaving.

“Good.” He sounded satisfied, but mostly relieved. Relieved that you and him were okay, or that you were at least going to be together since neither one of you wanted to end this despite the issues that sprung up.

“Katsuki…”

But then he froze up as soon as he suddenly felt you loosen your grip on his hand, and he grunted and nearly exclaimed in shock when you threw your arms around him in the tightest hug he’s felt from you.

We fall apart as it gets dark I'm in your arms in Central Park There's nothing you could do or say I can't escape the way, I love you I don't want to, but I love you Oh-oh-oh

“I love you Katsuki…” You whispered quietly as your tears silently fell. The fear was lingering, but  still made you feel safe enough that you held onto him tight. Unwilling to let go as Katsuki returned the gesture by embracing you just as tightly.

God, he didn’t know how scared he was to lose you until he thought of the worst that could have happened. He was still scared, still afraid to lose you and to love you even though he did love you. He really loved you.

“I love you too (Y/N)…” He said the three words to you again, and your tear-filled (E/C) eyes widened when you heard them again. Your heart pounding as they made you feel less afraid and more at peace as you warmly smiled, resting your head into his shoulders and softly smiling even as you felt your own shoulder growing wet from his tears.

You knew it. You truly did love Katsuki, even if you were afraid of the fact that you loved him. And you figured out that Katsuki was afraid of that fact as well. He loved you, it’s why he told you the words even if he didn’t want to.

He knew he had to because it was true, he loved you. It just freaked him out that he did, that he loved someone.

Yet Katsuki wasn’t going to change those feelings, he loved you and he was willing to face that fear if it meant getting to love you the way he did. And you were too, you didn’t want to stop loving him even though you were scared. At least you and Katsuki would be scared together.

“Aroooo~.”

But the two of you opened your eyes when you remembered that Taromaru was still here, resting at the foot of your bed and having woken up from his little nap. You couldn’t help but giggle a bit, even becoming aware of how dark it had gotten and how late it was. Or maybe it wasn’t late, but still you felt sleepy after those tears and emotionally opening up to your boyfriend.

“Taromaru has the right idea… Kat… spend the night here?” You asked him with those puppy dog eyes that annoyed Katsuki as he scoffed, but like hell he was going back to his room. He wanted to be with you.

“Duh. I’m not going anywhere…” He reminded you with a soft little smirk that made you blush warmly and grin at him. This was good, you felt so much better to be with him after you and him talked together and cried together and opened up about your fears of loving each other. And that the two of you would keep working this out together, overcome more fears together as partners.

Finally, you felt like you could sleep comfortably tonight as you were lying down in your bed, Katsuki’s arms were around you as the two of you spooned and cuddled, Taromaru still at the foot of your bed.

“I love you…” You repeated the words to him softly, the words you were still afraid of but because of Katsuki you felt brave enough to tell him that you loved him regardless of your fears. And Katsuki knew it was scary, but still, he wanted to love you, and he knew you wanted to love him too, so he wasn’t going to let a little fear stop him from telling you.

“I love you too.”

[bump1nthen1ght]

Thicker than Water (Demon x Reader) Chapter 1

Pairing: Female Reader x Gender Fluid! Demon

Genre: High Fantasy

Warnings: Arm Injuries, Several mentions of blood

Word Count: 1870 Words

Summary: A summoning gone awry ends up in your favor

Chapter 2

A/N: Alright, I know I literally just posted a demon story but this post showed up on my dash and my god if I have never been more inspired to write a fic. I legit wrote this in 2 hours in a frenzy. Also I plan this story to be multi-chap, but still rather short, so maybe 3 parts in total

Before that night, you had never known what nearly-passing out felt like.

Your mother had done it, once or twice, usually after a particularly stressful day at the shop. If you didn’t check on her between your studies she may forget to eat entirely, your father as well. But you had been lucky; Someone had always been there to catch her, to cradle her head and spoon-feed her strength back.

On the forest floor, surrounded by the smell of your own blood, you have no such luxury.

The black spots flickering in your vision blend into the desne canopy above you and your tears only muddle your sight. The iron and copper of the summoning circle drawn around you drown out the scent of fresh pine and grass, while your ears can only focus on your own heartbeat and the bickering of the four boys.

Oh, that’s right, they’re still here.

It seems you had lost more fluid than you realized, probably because of your incessant crying. You had tried to stop the flow, but your brain was losing coherent function with every second. The boys conversation sounds far away and hollow, bouncing off your eardrums and confusing your sense of direction

“You idiot, I told you not to go for the arm!”

“We needed a lot of blood!”

“But she needs to read the ritual dumbass! She can’t if she dies!”

Ah yes, the ritual, it all is flooding back to you now.

Having received a private education from your father at your family’s apothecary, you were already prone to isolation as a child. It didn’t help having no siblings, nor a lacking natural talent for friend-making. Although you had lived in the city all your life, the young people your age knew very little about you, and you them.

You knew they had rumors about you, The daughter the apothecary hides away; That your gaze can turn people to stone, that you can curse and poison people with a couple words and the right ingredients.

The truth was you weren’t so glamorous. You knew your way around a medicine cabinet, sure, but nothing about poisons or magic spells. You didn’t have any special abilities to compensate or explain your reluctance for socialization. Just some overprotective parents and a shy disposition.

So when the handsome postmasters-son began to pay you special visits, you let your guard down. You let him walk you to and from the market, memorizing your weekend route. You let him in for a bit of tea late at night, especially when it seemed so cold, and told him where the spare key was kept. And yes, you even told him about your favorite secluded spot in the forest, where the sounds of civilization were far away, where you could be alone.

And here, in these last moments of your life, you can’t help but feel so naive.

“Hey, hey!”

A boot taps your cheek, shaking you out of your revelry. Your glassy eyes look over to your right.

It’s one of the local merchant’s boys, you think his name is Nicholas? It doesn’t really matter. All you knew about him was that he was a bit rough around the edges; always nicking things from pockets, looking up ladies skirts, and skipping his lessons. That’s what your dad complained about anyway.

A page is shoveled in front of you, dangling over your face. Your eyes take a while, but focus on the words. Nicholas’ boot heel digs into your neck.

“Read it out loud, or we’ll kill you.”

Clearly I’m going to die anyway dumbass, why should I help you?

You might’ve retorted, if you were in such a physical condition to do so. But instead, you do as you're told, and start speaking.

To your left, the postmaster’s son, Richard, sucks in a breath with anticipation. Any false composure he had while luring you here is gone, his feet tapping with excitement as he holds your left arm and lef bound spread eagle.

Holding your right leg is Markus, another merchant boy. He picks at his teeth.

“What are you guys going to wish for?” He whispers. It goes in your ear and out the other, too focused on forming coherent sentences.

“A full-harem of babes, obviously.” Simpers Hunter, the son of a landlord. He isn’t ugly, only a bit plain, and has enough money to boot. Compared to the other bachelors in town however, he has had little luck in procuring a courtship.

“A million coins could get you that and more, idiot. That’s what I’m wishing for.” Whispers Richard.

“What are you going to wish for Nic?” Asks Markus

“Oh my gods, will you guys shut the fuck up?”

Nic snarls, unconsciously digging his heel back into your throat. You choke and stutter, but keep going. The runes around you, written in your own blood, begin to glow.

All of the boy’s eyes widen and they step back from you. Your limbs sink like dead weight as the words begin to flow out your mouth with no thought. The paper with the chant drops to the ground, out of your sight, but it's like your brain has been reprogrammed; You know the rest, know it in your bones.

The grass begins to simmer and burn under the summoning circle, smoke swirling into formation above you. When the final word whispers out of you, you feel your body go lax. You don’t even remember tensing up

I guess this is it. Sorry Mom, Sorry Dad.

You clench your eyes, just hoping the demon will be quick. That it will at least leave a recognizable corpse.

“Holy shit.” You hear muttered, unsure by whom.

Your eyes are closed, body teetering on the brink of unconsciousness, but your senses are still intact. A hot wave of breath washes over your face and the ground below you trembles with heavy footsteps. The boys are quiet but you can hear their hearts pounding. They thrum with life, while yours slowly fades.

“Why have you summoned me, mortal?”

Even half-dead, your muscles tense in fear. The demon's voice is deep and resonates like a crowd talking all at once. It reeks of inhuman power and cracks like thunder.

A brief silence passes, before Nicholas finds his courage.

“We have come to ask for a wish.”

Later, when recounting the story, you will mention that the demon looked over to Nicolas, unamused, despite never seeing it yourself. The demon huffs, the heat of it blowing over you once more.

“I don’t believe I asked you.” The demon mutters. The cacophony of voices blend together into one, bland and emotionless. Even in your state however, you are able to decipher a couple of louder tones which overpower the others. They seem...angry.

“But...you…”

“I asked….”

Your eyes snap open as a wet droplet lands on your cheek. Lingering above you, drool seeping from their unnaturally sharp teeth, is the creature. It’s face resembles that of a goat, but sharp fangs stick out from their lower lips. Their eyes are golden and shine in the night, piercing right into yours. Despite the part of your body screaming out in terror, another part feels oddly….comforted. It’s why you don't startle when they brush a hand against your cheek, their thumb wiping away your tears. Their palm is warm, not like a blistering flame, but like a thick quilt. Like hot chocolate on a rainy day.

“......What do you need of me, little one?”

Their hand, padded and calloused, slides down your arm, closing up the large gash on your inner bicep. In another movement, they do the same to the other. Power and vitality seems to sink back into your body, drip by drip.

Words escape you, but not Nicolas.

“Excuse me, demon, but we're the ones who summoned you.” The sarcastic tone of his does little to hide the quivers of his fear, especially when the demon's neck turns toward him at an unnatural speed. Still, he persists. “Not her. And we want-”

“Do you take me for a blind fool?” The voice bellows, sending all the boys to their knees. Markus clutches his ears while Hunter whimpers on the ground. Nicolas falls back to the ground, eyes widen.  The demon stands to their full height, several feet above all of you. “Do you think I was born without smell, without sense?” The step away from your body, swiping at the ground with their fingers, taking a small bit of your blood with it.

The demon sticks their thumb and forefinger in front of Nicolas’s face, causing him to yelp and fall onto his back. “Is this your blood which forged the connection? Was it your words that spoke me into existence? Was it your body which came to the brink, wrenched open the door and pulled us both through?”

Nicolas, trembling like a leaf, shakes his head no. The demon’s eyes jerk up to the others. “And was it any of these young men?”  

Richard furiously shakes his head, while Hunter stays collapsed on the ground. Markus pushes himself away, hands still clamped around his ears. The demon sneers, before turning and walking back to you.

The demon kneels before propping your upper body up with a gentle touch. A comforting claw rubs your lower back while another paw rubs the tension out of your shoulders.

“Now, mistress, what may you ask of me?”

Your muscles may no longer tire from blood loss, but your mind truly feels like it’s on the brink of breaking. The demon, with fearsome fangs and a soft look, looks to you for an answer.

“I-I…” You mutter as the demon continues to massage your back. They hum.

“Take your time, it is alright. Rituals are difficult, I can only imagine the toll your body feels.” The mass of voices have synchronized, fading from a hundred to a single, harmonious tune. It is cavernously deep, but pleasant. It reminds you of the portly older man who used to read stories aloud every holiday.

You feel your body unconsciously turn towards your captors. Nicholas stays stuck to the ground, the whites of his eyes almost glowing in the darkness. The others have slowly moved to their knees, all terrified with shaky limbs, and look like they might make a run for it. Markus is slowly inching towards Nicholas’ shoulders, trying to lift him up to his senses.

For the first time in your life, a deep, boiling hatred burns your skin.

Cowards. You sneer, with all the malice stored in your reserves.

“I want-I want…” You stumble as the anger bubbles out of your belly. “I want them to hurt. To feel humiliated.” Nails bite into the palm of your hand, letting out blood as you clench knuckles. “I want everyone to know what they’ve done, who they are, every fault they’ve ever been guilty of. I want them alive, but I want them to burn.”

The demon smiles, pulling you in for a hug. You collapse into their embrace, keeping your eyes locked onto the boys, those rats. The demon hums a contented tune as they rub your back.

“As you wish, my master.”

[softieteez]

backstory

warning: death, cancer, drinking, mental abuse, some physical abuse, cussing, crying, anxiety attacks, suicidal thoughts, child neglect

genre: angst

summary: before ivy even got to her teen years, things were more difficult than most adults lives. from losing her dad, to experiencing neglect.

a/n: ivy’s story is pretty deep. feel free to skip this post if you are triggered by anything listed. also i’ll be using her birth name a lot throughout this story.

languages: normal = english. italic = korean

olivia min was born june 4, 2001 in michigan. she is the youngest of three siblings. miya, the oldest, was born february 20, 1997. and austin, the middle child, was born august 4, 1999.

growing up, olivia had an amazing relationship with her family members. her parents were always really supportive of anything she wanted to do. and her siblings, were annoying, but they all love each other so much. the family was pretty middle class, maybe more upper middle class. they had enough money to buy nice things and go on trips, which was nice and it gave the kids experiences they’d always remember.

when she was a baby, the families friend jax, had given her the nickname ‘ivy.’ the name stuck with him and eventually spread to friends at school. but her family members always called her olivia or jisoo, her korean name.

in school she was a social butterfly, running around recess practically collecting friends like they were collectors items. and because of her loving nature, no one could say no. she’s also very smart, she’s always had straight a’s and was usually willing to participate in class. teacher would say she was a sweet and smart little girl, and of course she could make the class burst into giggles at any second.

olivia started dancing at the young age of 4 when her parents enrolled her into dance classes. there, she met new friends and became one of the best youth dancers in their town.

her grandparents lived in ohio, which meant a lot of the times they would travel there for the holidays. olivia had a friend named aggy that lived there.

aggy lived next door to ivy’s grandparents. she was diagnosed with leukemia only five months before meeting the family, this was when ivy was maybe 7 years old.

through the years, ivy excelled in everything from piano lessons that she started when she was 5, to even cooking. she was a cheerful and happy little girl. until she reached age 9 when her dad was diagnosed with lung cancer.

this was a huge reality hit. she didn’t really understand it though, her dad was healthy. until he wasn’t. she remembers that day so clearly

“where’s mom and dad?” olivia asked walking into the kitchen and seeing her sister sitting next to their sleeping brother on the couch

“hospital, grandma and grandpa will be here in a few hours. for now our neighbors are gonna look after us”

“hospital? but why?” the little girl tilted her head

“i don’t know olivia. go back to sleep it’s early” miya did know, she saw her dad getting worse and worse as the months went on. but the last thing anyone wanted to do was worry anymore people. especially austin and olivia.

“okay…” she responded and went back toward her bedroom.

a few hours later she woke up to her grandma shaking her awake “wake up olivia. grandpa and i brought lunch.” the elderly woman spoke

olivia smiled at her grandmother as she sat up and stretched. the girl walked to the kitchen.

she still remembers all the yummy food her grandparents made, now knowing it was out of grief. later that night was when her parents revealed the truth to the kids.

and suddenly her whole world collapsed.

she would miss dance class and sometimes even school because her father would be in the hospital. because her mom and dad were always gone, she and her other siblings were expected to help around the house. occasionally with their grandparent by their side.

when she turned 10, she didn’t have much of a birthday blow out. and her present was some nail polish because that was all her family could afford at the time. when she turned 11, they spent her birthday in the hospital. her dads condition became so much worse that he wasn’t able to leave the hospital.

“i’m sorry you have to spend your birthday like this livvy” her dad held her had. his skin was paler than usual. colder too.

“it’s okay dad, i’m just happy we’re all here” she smiled as she held back tears. but her dad knew she wanted to cry.

“me and your mom got you something” he smiled and looked at his wife. the woman smiled sadly and reach in her purse to pull out a small purple box.

olivia grabbed the box from her mothers hand and opened it slowly. a beautiful butterfly necklace was revealed.

“it took a little while for us to find the perfect one” her moms sniffled. “we wanted you to love it”

thinking back on that moment. ivy now understood they wanted it to be special because it would be the last gift she would ever receive from her father.

“thank you mommy. thank you daddy” she whispered and pecked her dads forehead.

sadly, on june 29, her father passed away in the middle of the night. for some reason, her brain blocks this moment out. it’s all a blur.

her and her sister were sleeping on the little couch the nurses had set up and her brother was laying on the sleeping bag he had brought on the floor. it happened so suddenly. she woke up to her mom hysterically crying and weeping.

her brother and sister were frantic as nurses guided them three of them out of the room. but she does remember the last look she had at her dad.

he didn’t look real, more like a painting. or a sculpture maybe. his skin was practically white and his body was lifeless.

her whole family was in a depression, especially her mom. after losing her husband, she started drinking to numb the pain.

her grandparents left ohio and went back to korea completely unannounced. it was up to miya and austin to take care of themselves, each other, and of course olivia.

after a month of her fathers passing. the family had got a call from aggy’s mom informing them that aggy passed away july 25. so now she lost her dad and her best friend. along with that her mom isn’t stable enough to take care of her and her siblings, and her grandparents were m.i.a.

when she turned 12, that’s when her moms drinking got worse. she was living off of beer and tv dinners. she was also now mentally abusive toward her children.

austin became the child that started work. he would work late at night and then go to school all day. he was responsible for the families income at age 14.

miya was rarely ever home as well, but she was gone to escape their mom. she would rebel, hang out with her boyfriend, who ivy later found out was physically abusive.

then ivy was the kid that did the chores. she would also clean the neighbors houses to help pay her dance fees. the neighbors would always feel bad so they’d usually give her $30 for each chore she did. that was barely enough though.

and somehow, none of their friends ever noticed anything. except for austin’s, he’s always shut down plans to work and was overly tired all the time. but the friends did start noticing behavior changes

ivy became really depressed and spent most of her days just waiting for them to end.

the family got some income from the bank after the fathers passing. the kids were all in his will, earning $114k each. but they wouldn’t receive that until age 18.

around this time, ivy got into contact with her grandparent. begging day after day to move their and live out her dream of being an idol. her siblings would even call and beg the grandparents to let her, not wanting her to experience this life anymore.

after months of begging, her grandparents finally agreed to move her out to korea. she had already submitted audition videos to big companies like sm, jyp, yg, bighit etc.

she was 13 when she was officially moved into korea. she lived with her grandma and grandpa for a month before moving into the jyp dorms. she trained there for a year before being sent off to audition for produce 101.

during this time, she experienced great stress. her anxiety and depression led to suicidal thoughts and almost had to leave the show because of it. many fans who were supporting her throughout the show noticed her getting skinnier and skinnier by the episode.

somi, who became her best friend instantly, was also worried for her. ivy felt bad that she was worrying people. but she couldn’t help it, her mind controlled her. her thoughts were always telling her to do something. she would practice all the time and forget to eat.

somi would often watch after her to make sure she would at least eat a bagel and drink water everyday.

it wasn’t long before ivy would share her story, only parts of it publicly. her story reached american headlines, meaning her family and friends had seen it.

she was struggling for years. and it was only recently when she found inner happiness. she worked hard during produce, and didn’t win. and of course, she left jyp and moved to kq where she met her life long friends.

her boys have helped her so much, they were there to listen to her story, to hug her when she cried.

those are her boys, her family. her home.

[malachi-walker]

Happy birthday, Mal! I love your fics, they evoke so much emotion in me and have made me cry many a time. I don't often reread fics, but i've reread multiple chapters of Rhythm and Blues because they're stuck with me so much. You capture the emotional pain of their trauma and the catharsis that comes with their growth so beautifully. You also write some brilliant meta and just consistently post some fantastic thoughts. Also your love for swords is very appreciated. <3 have a lovely day!

First of all, my apologies for not replying sooner. I was making my mind up about something that would definitely require the use of a read more and thus necessitate dragging myself to desktop (which I hate because my laptop predates the dinosaurs.)

But seriously. Thank you so much. This is honestly one of the sweetest comments I've ever gotten and definitely made my already pretty sweet bday even better.

So about that read more. In honor of you, @metalesbo, my friends @n7punk and @jem-jarrett and everyone else who sent me well wishes or just really loves my work... Here's the opening section of the next chapter of R&B. Enjoy. It's a long one.

Adora Eternia is about two months shy of her fourteenth birthday when she first realizes she's in love with her best friend.

Though--if asked--she would hasten to explain that it wasn't when she fell in love. But trying to pinpoint the exact moment is an exercise in catching mist: the more she tries to grasp it in her hands the more it spreads out and covers everything. It just is: pure and simple and very, very complicated.

It's the beginning of December and the whole town is covered in a thick blanket of snow. Winterfest will be here in a few weeks, so to help out the kids who want to get gifts for their friends the Right Zone administration has shuffled around the groups that usually take their monthly trips on the third and fourth Sundays of the month to double up with the other two. As part of group three, she and Catra got the first week (the other three members of their crew are week two folks anyway and thus outside the reorganization.)

It's still kinda weird to think that: their crew. For so long, it was just Catra and Adora. Adora and Catra. One unit bound together, just them against the world. But there's also something nice about being part of a small cluster, their "scrappy little lone wolf pack" as Catra had once put it with a wry grin before Lonnie shoved her over with an, "Excuse you, I'm a great people person when I'm not busy making sure you idiots haven't set yourselves on fire!"

They all got a good laugh out of that one.

But regardless, the holidays are coming up and this is the first year that any of their group has felt like actually doing anything for it, aside from wrangling together a sleepover and seeing if they can convince the kitchen staff to slip them some leftover eggnog.

They made each other promise not to go too extravagant and keep each person's gift to ten dollars or lower. Even though their quarterly stipend has increased from three hundred to four hundred to match with inflation over the past eight years, it still isn't a whole lot for three month's worth of expenses, especially when they also have to budget regularly for clothes to keep up with the seemingly endless growth spurts.

There's also the usual budgetary concern of keeping her and Catra's first aid kit well supplied...

Adora shakes her head to dislodge the intrusive thought and continues marching onward through the snow. This trip is a good thing. She won't let all the awful realities of their life taint it.

With so many kids running around and wanting to shop on their own to surprise their giftees, Right Zone had to negotiate with both the local police and whatever other civic authorities they could get ahold of to come out en masse and keep an eye on them all. The kids had still come with their usual teachers, of course, but doubling the load and also splitting up was a logistical nightmare. Which is just a convoluted way to say the town is positively crawling with uniformed officers, off duty members of the fire brigade, emergency personnel, and other such authority figures quietly keeping watch and making sure no one tries anything.

Adora knows that somewhere in the press of bodies, Grizzlor's busy wrangling two new "brats" (seven and nine, respectively, and definitely not friends.) Somewhere, a certain Magicat is probably grumbling over the indignity of being forced to wear shoes and kicking every snowpile she can, like she can send a direct message to whatever cosmic force is responsible for her current frustration.

On an ordinary month she and Catra--being old enough to be allowed a bit more freedom to do what they want--would buddy up to watch each other's backs while they did their shopping. But this isn't an ordinary month, so once they'd each gotten gifts for the other three they'd split up on opposite ends of Main Street with an agreement to move clockwise to avoid running into each other. Afterwards, the entire group would rendezvous at the small clock tower in the park a block over before heading back to Right Zone.

Ten dollars wasn't a lot to work with, but Adora had done her best: a new stress ball for Kyle, some moisturizing oil for Rogelio since the early winter shed had wiped out his supply and he'd been too busy to pick up some more, a twelve pound kettle weight for Lonnie now that their shared exercise routine was getting a bit too easy for her... Utilitarian choices, to be sure, but she's been paying attention and that has to count for something.

Catra's the difficult one, of course. Partly because Adora doesn't want to just get her something practical, but also because they share nearly everything between them already. About the only thing that is definitively off limits is Catra's guitar, and she's told Adora enough about her time with Tao over the years that Adora wouldn't even ask. Beyond that... Well, there's a reason why most of Adora's day off hoodies have small strands of orange fur stuck to them.

Still. I want to get her something that's hers. Something she'll like. Something she doesn't have to share with anyone, not even me.

In the end, she nearly walks past it. In one of the artisanal shops that dot small towns like liver spots, she finds a display of hand stamped necklace pendants, with a design sheet beside it. There are a lot of the usual nature designs and such, but the one that catches her eye is a treble clef with the five staff lines bleeding out from it. They ring the edge of the pendant in a half circle, and scattered haphazardly along the lines are the other music notes.

The lack of proper order would drive Adora insane. She understands that it's just meant to look pretty, not be an accurate representation of musical notation, but still... She knows her own (broken) brain well enough to know that.

It suits Catra, though.

"Hey," Mismatched eyes looked down at Adora as her head draped backwards over the back of their desk chair, the throbbing behind her left eye threatening to escalate into a migraine. "Guess I don't have to ask how the composing's going."

"It sucks," Adora groused back, sitting up and gesturing Catra over. She jabbed at two particular spots with the half chewed off eraser end of her pencil, two hard jabs each, like she was filing a complaint. "Most of it is just what I'm going for, but these two places here... They aren't sounding right. I've been going back and forth over structure all afternoon, but nothing I do helps."

"Hmmm..." Catra stroked her chin and nudged Adora over so she could sit on the arm of the chair (they'd never gotten around to requesting a second, mostly because Adora didn't want to risk Shadow Weaver suspecting they were getting too chummy.) "Got any scratch paper?"

Adora pointed to the pile of half crumpled notebook paper she used when making adjustments and Catra snorted. "Ok, dumb question. Just let me see here..."

Grabbing a pen, she quickly inked a fresh set of staff lines and copied the notes Adora had already put down, making sure to leave space to work. Glancing between the two, she drummed her fingers on the desk, playing along in her head.

"Hmm..." Catra murmured, worrying at her lower lip with a fang in a manner that was... Oddly distracting. "Ok, how 'bout this?"

Adora jolted, tearing her gaze from Catra's face to look at the sequence of notes scribbled onto the scratch paper. She paused, brow furrowing as she played them over in her mind's eye. It was a little unorthodox, veering away from the path she had carefully laid out... But also blending well with the next part. Almost like the notes took a quick detour and then lead the listener back to where she wanted them.

"Yeah..." Adora replied thoughtfully, the tension all over her body starting to smooth out. "Yeah, that could work."

"Awesome. Let's take a look at the next part."

They ultimately ended up spending several hours going over the entire piece, sussing out every place where Adora was having even the slightest niggle of unease. She didn't accept all of Catra's changes and Catra didn't push the matter, but the ones she did...

They felt right. More right than they had ever felt when it was just Adora running circles around herself.

When they finally finished up she looked over at Catra, tail waving sedately in that way it got when she was simultaneously engaged but relaxed, and asked, "Umm... Do you want to learn with me? I like doing this."

'I like making music with you.'

Catra paused, looking over at Adora searchingly, almost like she couldn't believe the question had come up. No matter how many years had passed between them, that look never really went away, and every time she saw it Adora's chest ached in a way that was hard for her to process.

"I'd like that."

Catra's composing style is very different from Adora's. More wild, more willing to bend and break the rules if it means maintaining audience engagement, but there's always an underlying order to the chaos. To her surprise and pleasure, Adora found herself learning just as much from Catra as Catra was learning from her. Their styles brought out the best in each other.

The jingle of a bell kicks her out of the memory. Mind made up even though it's nearly double her budget, Adora scans the stand of necklaces for the one with the treble clef pattern.

It isn't there. Adora swallows down the disappointment, though she can't help the sigh. Of course. The town was well aware of the large population of music students a short drive away and catered to them accordingly. But there are also dozens of kids out on the street tonight. It isn't that big of a surprise that the design sold out.

Not surprising, but disheartening nonetheless.

She's just begun to turn away when a voice calls from the back. "Hang on a sec there, little miss."

Adora jumps, but remains where she is as a large Taurian man with a massive snow white beard trundles out from a door behind the counter, wiping his hands on his apron. "Was there a particular design you were interested in?"

Adora points at the treble clef, hope rising. "This one. But it looks like it's already sold out."

"Hmm..." The man scratchs at his chin. "Well with Winterfest coming up, I'm out of blank pendants-"

Adora's shoulders slump.

"-But," The man continues with a smile. "I can double stamp it onto the back of another. Ordinarily I'd charge extra for that, but it's my fault for not ordering enough blanks. Rookie move. Besides, it's the holidays. Now would that be all right by you?"

Nodding frantically in case he changes his mind, Adora scans the other designs, quickly alighting on one in particular. "That one!"

"The claw marks? Bit of an odd combination, but the customer is always right," The old man winked as he reached out to take the necklace from her. "My jig and press is in the corner over here if you wanna watch."

Adora was glad he specified, because as nice as the man seemed there was no way in hell she was going into a back room with a stranger. But she stood next to the window beside a display of miscellaneous knick knacks and puzzles, watching him carefully place the pendant in a cushioned stand to avoid damaging the already printed side and tighten it into place before moving beside the machine.

"You're gonna want to cover your ears," He tells her, patting the machine with one massive hand. "Had to switch to a steam press when the arthritis caught up to me. Used to do it all by hammer. This boy's okay, but he gets loud."

Adora nods, glad for the warning when he bellows "Clear!" and the machine's hammer comes down once, twice, three times with a sound like the ringing of an enormous bell. Once the machine is stopped and carefully turned off, the old man removes the pendant from the press and hands it over to Adora for inspection. "What do you think? Does it pass muster?"

Adora runs her fingertips over the impressions in the metal, memorizing the feel of it, the leftover warmth of the impact. "Perfect."

"Good. Now let's get you rung up."

Counting the five dollars she attempted to surreptitiously slip into the tip jar (the old man winked as he turned back around, so stealth fail) Adora went very over budget, but the others would have to put a gun to her head for her to admit it.

Besides, it's Catra. They already know she's the sole exception to all of Adora's carefully maintained rules.

With everything finished, she continues trudging through the snow toward the park, breathing a sign of relief as she moves away from the shopping district and the people thin out; no one wanting to go to the park in the middle of such bleak weather. Angling around a clustered group of bare trees, she spots the small clock tower in the distance, as well as the figure already standing beside it. Grinning, Adora picks up the pace a bit until she can see Catra clearly and--

Her breath catches.

Since her only experience with this kind of thing has been through books, Adora always expected this moment would be more dramatic. Like back to back in the middle of a fight, or eyes locking from up on stage. Something spectacular, like fireworks, lime explosions, like the feeling of playing a song without a single mistake for the first time. It's always seemed like such a big deal in the stories, and in a way, it is.

Because there's Catra, lost in her own world as she gazes up at the streetlight that's just come on, her left hand extended to let the snowflakes fall into her palm and the light catches the orange of her fur just right to make a blaze of color against the black of her coat. She looks so small, standing in that space all alone on a cold winter's night, but Adora knows deep down that she could never be that small, not when she's Catra, not when she means so much...

Pretty much everything about the past hour--about her entire life since they met if she's being honest--snaps into crystal clear focus.

Oh. I get it now. I'm in love with you.

It's a bad idea. Adora knows that. Shadow Weaver is enough of a menace while believing Catra is simply her roommate, her sometime tool--and Catra had ended up being all too right about the torture not stopping, even after years of Adora trying to direct Weaver's attentions away from her. If the evil old bitch figures out Adora's feelings run deeper, so much deeper...

Her heart beats double time. This whole thing is an unmitigated disaster.

But it's still the best worst thing that's ever happened to her.

She must make a noise, because Catra's ear twitches in her direction, snapping her out of that distant contemplation. She turns her head and looks at Adora, lips curling in a lopsided grin. "Hey, Adora. Wow, you look like you've seen a ghost."

Adora blinks, coming back to herself and mumbling the first excuse that springs to mind. "... Just cold."

"Well no shit. C'mere."

When she closes the distance Catra glances around warily, making sure they're the only ones around, before reaching up and retying the scarf around Adora's neck, patting it once when she's done. "There. I know I make it look good, but you don't have the advantage of fur like me."

Adora looks down at the thin AC/DC t-shirt that Catra's wearing beneath her half open coat, the line of her collarbones and neck, and makes a snap decision. "Is it okay if I give you your present now?"

Catra blinks, a little thrown by the non sequitur. "I mean... Sure? Do you want me to give you yours?"

"I'm good with either," Adora shrugs, trying to ignore how fast her heart is beating, how much she wants to do this before this moment slips away. "I just want to."

There's a long moment of silence as they each examine the other, equally searching. What Catra's looking for, Adora doesn't know. She isn't sure she wants to know.

"Okay."

Breathing deep, Adora reaches into her pocket and pulls out the necklace on its leather cord. Careful to keep the pendant hidden in her hand, she passes it over, fingertips sparking as it's taken. Catra brings it close to her face, running her fingers over the four parallel slashes on the side facing her.

"Why the claw marks?"

Adora laughs, nervous butterflies positively rioting in her stomach. "Because you're a badass. Duh."

"True," Catra smirks, flipping it over and squinting at the other side. "And this?"

"Badass, loves music with all your heart. Not mutually exclusive concepts," Adora says, trying not to give away how much she thinks about this, how much she wants to take that hand in hers. She settles for a playful shoulder bump instead. "Plus we all know you're secretly a big softie."

"Excuse you, I am all sharp edges," Catra giggles, lightly elbowing her before transitioning into a soft little smile. "... Just not with everyone."

Oh God oh God oh God. That smile will absolutely be the death of her.

Swallowing past her horrible awareness of that softness, Adora asks, "So you like it?"

"I love it. Good luck ever getting me to take it off," Catra laughs, then frowns, flexing her fingers. "Hands have gone a little numb, though. Help me put it on?"

Adora.exe promptly crashes to desktop. But she still somehow manages to move, helping Catra hold back her mane so she can slip the leather cord over her head and tuck it beneath her hair. If she hesitates a moment too long in letting go, at least Catra only shoots her an amused glance. "How's it look?"

"Great," Adora manages to croak out, trying to swallow past the sudden dryness in her throat. "You look great. Umm... Happy early Winterfest, I guess?"

"Well, I'm gonna hold onto yours a little longer," Catra laughs, playfully sticking out her tongue before reaching out. "C'mere, you big dork."

Adora shuffles closer, mind and heart both screaming as Catra draws her into a hug, nuzzling her head against the side of her neck. A little whisper. "Thank you."

Adora swallows again, even harder. "You're welcome."

Between them, the necklace rests, the music side pressed right up against Catra's heart.

----------

Fun fact: the shopkeep is based off a cool old dude selling machine pressed necklaces I ran into at a Scottish festival when I was 13, and he made such an impression I never forgot him. Anyway, happy Valentine's! Have a Big Gay Realization!

[fandomscombine]

Exploding Stink Bomb

Platonic!Weasley Twins x Reader

BG: Chaos ensues when the twins steal your latest prank invention. How much worse could it be when innocent people are caught in the mess?

WC:1744

Entry for @feetoffthetable​ 's 500 writing challenge. A week late I know-sorry! Cause I lost the initial draft. (Note: Do NOT trust auto save that much) So I had to rewrite it.

The prompts are taken from Random Prompts List No. 4 and No.11. (Are in bold in the text)

4. “…Are they dead?” “I don’t know! Why don’t you ask them!”

11. “You’re being remarkably calm about this.” “Thanks, it’s the shock. Give me fifteen minutes, the screaming will happen.”

>>>MASTERLIST<<<

Fred Weasley, George Weasley and Y/n L/n, also known as 'The Pranksters Trio' of modern day Hogwarts.

It is the winter of senior year, and your stress levels are increasing by the day. NEWTS are to be held in a couple of months and you have managed to procrastinate completing your mock papers. At this rate, you would get a passing grade but in all honesty you know that wouldn’t cut it, you know your abilities. If you actually put effort in your subjects you can bump a level up.

You've made a deal with your parents that if you had completed your practice papers, you could spend the last week of the Christmas holiday with the Weasleys.

Which you are; 3 days in, 4 days left till school.

'What your parents don't know won't hurt them...' You mumble to yourself as you stir the bubbling green mixture clockwise.

See you haven't finished the potions assignment yet. Your parents thought you did last week, but in reality what you were working on was a little fantastic smelling concoction that could contribute to the twins' upcoming new joke shop merchandise lineup!

During the journey to King’s Cross, Fred had come up to you and asked if you could help brainstorm a new product that would blow people's minds away. Of course you agreed, a multitude of ideas already brewing, you would do anything to help out your friends.

That night, it was all you could think about. Naturally you are itching to get started, before the thought flies away. Pushing your potions textbook aside, you got to work. It took 18 hours of no sleep but it paid off. The product was now in your hands.

A shiny burgundy shimmering marble-like sphere. The final product was smaller than the blueprint- the amount of ingredients you had on hand in your muggle household were limited- you do a mental note on raiding the potions supply closet once back in school for dragon hide.

But when you do finally have all the resources, the sphere should be the size of a baseball.

For now, at 30% of the ideal size, this mini test sphere could stink up a small bedroom. Which is enough to do damage but also has a small enough impact that you fix if anything were to go wrong.

BAM! You knew the quiet was too good to last.

“y/n/n, my dear!” Greeted Fred, waltzing into Ginny’s room.

“Are you--” George placed his hand on the door, stopping it from slamming back to his face. “Oi! Why’d you have to kick the door so hard? You could have ruined my handsome face!” He shouted to his twin.

Dropping your quill back into the ink bottle you sighed. “Nooo, how many times do I have to tell you? I’ll be finished when I’m finished. Most likely tomorrow, the earliest.”

“Why can’t you just let US test it though?” voiced George.

“Because I came up with it and it’s the only one we’ve got!” You reasoned. “I wanna see it when it explodes!”

Right then, the boys’ eyes lit up.

“IT EXPLODES?!?!?” They exclaimed in union.

“SHIT!” It was too late to cover it up. The secret is out.

The twins shared a look, you don’t really believe in twin telepathy but in the case of your 2 best friends and mischief, they almost always are on the same page.

You are sent flying sideways off your chair and hit the air mattress. “Offph! George! Let….me….go!” With all your might, you try to push George off you but to no avail. The muscles built up during quidditch training are to his advantage.

In the other side of the room, Fred is rummaging through your trunk, eagerly looking for the mysterious and highly sought after invention.

Although he may not know what it looks like, Fred is still one of your accomplices in sneaking prank items to school, meaning he and Geroge know all the secret compartments in your trunk. As do you with their trunks.

This setup made sense, it was a precautionary method devised so that in a matter of incoming danger or when suspected of something, the others could easily get rid of any incriminating evidence.

The system is perfect! Well expect now when it backfired on you.

“AHA GOT IT!”

Your face snaps to the direction of the voice. Cursing internally, right there, raised high above Fred’s head is the prized Exploding Stink Bomb.

“WICKED!” cried George. While the twins are reveling in their success, you took the chance to push George off you and launch towards Fred.

While George was caught off guard, Fred had the few seconds in which you got up to process what was happening and sprinted towards the door.

“IMMA GET YOU FRED!”

“LET’S SEE THAT SMALL LEGS!”

“GOT YA! AHHHHH--” One moment you had your hand on Fred’s shoulder, next you felt a tug on your waist. “GEORGE LET. ME. GO”

“No can do y/n/n.”

His hold wasn’t enough to hurt you, but it was certainly tighter. “Learned from your earlier mistake eh” You teased.

“Just caught me off guard” George reasoned.

Fred walking backwards, bids his farewell. “See you Suckers!” He shouted, taking a bow. With that he disappears round the corner.

A THUD.

“Ginny!”

You and George shared a look of confusion, what was going on?

Arriving at the scene, you are not surprised to see a sneering Ginny.

“That’s what you get for going in my room!”

What you’re more surprised to see is a frantic Fred. You knew that Ginny is fully capable of being terrifying but this was all in good fun right?

Slowly George walked up to his brother. “Freddie what’s wrong?”

“The ball… it slipped”

Eyes wide, your heart starts to beat faster. “Where…?”

You barely had gotten the question out, the answer is given.

As if on cue, you hear shouts coming from your right, Ron’s room.

Ginny being the closest, beats all of you to the door. When it opened, you catch the faint bit of purple smoke before it completely clears away, no other evidence of the stink ball in sight-you smile at the result, hard work does pay off.

‘Now is not a time to be happy y/n’ you told yourself. Your gaze reached the unconscious bodies on the two beds. “Well that’s…..uhh... new...”

Here are 4 guilty looking teenagers looking at the scene of the crime.

Ginny gingerly poked Ron’s side, keeping a fair distance away just in case he jolts back. “…Are they dead?” she asked, breaking the silence.

“I don’t know! Why don’t you ask them!” George paused his pacing to point his finger at both you and Fred.

“Hey! I am not the one you had thrown the stink bomb into the room!” You said defensively. “Besides I told you to test it when I’m ready! BUT NOOOO… you two wanted it now WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT’S FULL CAPACITY AND RESTRICTIONS!”

“I…..I…” When George couldn’t come up with a come back, he changed tactics. Turning to Fred he challenges. “You’re being remarkably calm about this.”

Fred, who was still standing rooted at the entryway, replied. “Thanks, it’s the shock. Give me fifteen minutes, the screaming will happen.”

“What the heck happened anyway?” asked Ginny.

“Yea, I thought it was just a stink bomb that could explode!” added George.

“It is just an exploding stink bomb!”

“Then why are they unconscious?” George’s panic becomes more evident as in addition to his pacing, his voice is now an octave higher.

“I think that the stink bomb was too powerful for such a small room.” Sighing, you gestured to the closed windows. “There’s no adequate ventilation too. Must have cause them to inhale a larger concentration”

“How long will they be out?”

“I don’t know Ginny…really.” You shrug. “It could be hours, one to two at best.”

“TWO HOURS?!?” The twins say in union despite one clearly in utter distress while the other scarily unmoving.

Fred gripped his hair, placed his head in between his thighs and let out a scream that could rival a lion.

George now having lost hope of his brother functioning, took charge. “Mum is gonna be back any second now. What are we gonna do?”

“Well, first…we’re gonna check the boy’s condition again for progress” You suggest, dragging Ginny to check on hair while you check on Ron.

“Then..we’re gonna say..”

“GOT YA!” You 4 shout, finger guns at the ready.

“Wait.. WHAT?!!?? WHAT’S HAPPENING?” George looks at Harry and Ron- who are surprisingly alright and laughing their heads off, to you and GInny looking very smug.

Fred tilts his red face up to the commotion.

“YOU JUST GOT PRANKED! SAY CHESSE!” You announced, indicating to Ginny with the camera.

“Cheeseee” murmured the twins in defeat.

~

“How’d you do it?”

You knew that they would be back with questions. You keep them on the edge as you finish up your potions essay.

"You lot are predictable."

"Predictable?" George scoffed.

Tidying up the study table you continue "Mhhhmmm hmmm. Predicted that you would test it out on Ron, knew that you would try to steal it from me cause you both are very impatient- especially you Fred."

"Heyy!"

"But how did you wake up Harry and Ron?" Piped George. "We shook them but they were still unconscious!"

"Ah George ever the curious. It's simple really." You lay on the bed with hands behind your head, enjoying this moment of outsmarted the boys. "Your siblings were all very tired of been pranked so when we saw an opportunity to have you taste of your own medicine we grab them chance."

You glance at them.

"The time of you setting off the stink bomb is unknown but we were ready. I've made a nose blocker chewing gum while I was tinkering with the foul smell of the stink bomb."

"No sense of smell, no effect." stated Fred.

"Exactly, the rest I'd just improv and acting! The boys weren't actually unconscious, just a temporary numbing spell which Ginny and I reversed when we checked on them."

Sitting back up, you continued.

"What I didn't predict was how crazy you with react. I've never seen you two gone off the rails scared shirtless like that before." You admitted. "Priceless."

"And now you have a photo of it" grumbled George.

"And video too!"

"WHAT?"

Taglist [All/General]: @gruffle1

HP Taglist: @onlyfreds

[hearts-hunger]

dralshy’a ka’ra (brighter stars): chapter one || din djarin x reader

Read on AO3 | Masterlist

Series Summary: In the lake country of Naboo, you and Din romance each other under summer’s brighter stars. || Part Two of Jate’kara (Lucky Stars)

Chapter Summary: After docking the Crest at the harbor, you and Din while away the afternoon exploring the city hand in hand.

Pairings: Din Djarin x Wife!Reader

Genre: Fluff, smut (eventually) | Word Count: 3.1k | Warnings: None!

A/N: So, I loved writing Mr. and Mrs. Djarin so much that I decided to give them a vacation after all the stress of Ciryc Ca’tra. Basically, it’s Din being the sweetest husband ever. It’s technically a sequel, but I’m fairly certain it can be read as a standalone series. Let me know what you think, and I hope you like it! ♡

“Isn’t the sunshine wonderful, Din?”

You tipped your face up towards the bright, cloudless Naboo sky, feeling the sun on your cheeks like a kiss from a dearly-missed friend.

You heard a soft laugh come through Din’s vocoder. “Yes, it’s wonderful.”

You looked over at him and gave him a bright, sun-squinty smile. “You’re not even in it.”

He was leaned up against the side of the Crest in its shadow, as relaxed as someone in full armor could be, his arms crossed over his chest as the sunshine glinting off the bay cast shimmering reflections on his beskar. You knew he was monitoring your surroundings with care - even in the port of Naboo, where you’d never known there to be any trouble, your husband was nothing if not observant.

“I will be,” he said patiently. “But there’s no use in me sweating through my armor before we’ve even docked the ship.”

You were waiting on the harbormaster to come by and check that everything was in place with where you’d landed the Crest, and even though you knew Din had done everything by the book, he still preferred to have a conversation with the person in charge wherever he left her. You came over to him, stepping into the shade from the Crest, and rested your arms over his.

“Hi,” you said with a smile, looking up at his helm.

He chuckled. “Hi, yourself.” He leaned in to gently tap his helmet against your forehead. “Are you happy to be back?”

“Yes,” you said, earnest and sincere. You’d only come back to your home planet once since you’d been married, and that was to let your family meet your new baby. That time, you had only stayed for a few hours - Din had worried about coming at all, as the authorities on Naboo surely knew the price on his head and didn’t care that the kidnapping was, in reality, the rescue of a youngling from a murderous Imperial warlord. But he knew how much it meant to you that your family be able to see and hold your new baby, and had whisked you and your foundling into your small village in the countryside under cover of night. The expression on your mother’s face when she held your baby for the first time was something you would always treasure, and you would never be able to truly thank Din for letting you have that, even as dangerous as it had been for him to arrange.

This time, you were here without the baby; you’d taken him to Sorgan, to stay with Omera and Winta for a few days, and you knew he was having the time of his life playing with the other children in the village for hours on end. Din had made good on his promise to take you on a trip after the frozen planet - somewhere warm, where you could rest and enjoy being with each other without a care in the galaxy. You also knew he was paying good money to keep your ship off the radar; an old ship like yours was bound to draw attention, and it was only with a generous amount of credits that it would be able to go by the New Republic regulations without getting flagged.

“Thank you for bringing me,” you said.

He nodded. “You’re welcome.” It was just like Din to treat grand love gestures as everyday kindnesses to you. You would have attributed it to the Mandalorian way of life, where selflessness was expected in every aspect of one’s relationships, but you knew the way he treated you with such gentleness and kindness without ever being asked or expecting anything in return was just in your husband’s nature.

“Are we going back to Trask after this?” you asked. You didn’t want to spend your holiday worrying about what you’d do after it was over, but you knew it had to be on your husband’s mind.

He studied you for a moment. 

“I think so,” he finally said. You’d stopped there long enough to bring the frog lady to her husband and get the Crest halfway flyable again, and then taken it to Peli for more extensive repairs. It was almost as good as new, and it had taken you to Sorgan and then here to Naboo with little trouble.

“I still need to find the other Mandalorians,” Din continued. “I thought of letting you stay with your mother while I did, but...” He shook his head. “I don’t want to be apart from you like that. I can’t keep you safe if I’m not with you.”

You knew he was thinking of your baby as well as you, and you gave his hand a comforting squeeze.

“We’ll come with you to Trask,” you said. “I understand you not wanting to leave us for that long. But for now, the baby will be fine with Omera for a few days. You don’t have to worry about him.”

He sighed. “I know,” he said. “It’s just... it was harder to leave him than I thought it would be.” He seemed to think he’d said something wrong, and quickly tried to mend it.

“Not that I don’t want to be here with you,” he said. “I do. It’s nice to have a break and just be with you, cyare.”

You smiled. “I know what you meant,” you assured him. “It’s hard for me to leave him too, but he’ll be fine with Omera.”

You reached up and draped your arms around his neck; his hands moved to your waist and the small of your back, holding you close to him.

“And we get a few days all to ourselves,” you said. “With no broken ship and no horrible spiders and no frosty beskar.”

He gave a wry hum of agreement. “Basic requirements for any vacation, I think.”

You laughed. “I think so too, but with our luck, we should take what we can get.”

You could have stayed in his arms like that for hours, but you felt him straighten and pull away from you a little; you turned your head to follow his gaze and saw the harbormaster coming over to the Crest. You stepped back into the sunshine, content to let Din handle the logistics of docking the ship while you basked in the warmth.

“All set,” Din said after a few minutes, putting a hand on your back to gently get your attention. You opened your eyes and almost had to close them again at the bright shine of his beskar in the sunlight.

“Great,” you said. “Is that a defense tactic for you Mandalorians? Blind your opponent with your shiny armor?”

He laughed. “Knowing us, probably.” 

You wound your arm around his and hung off him like a new bride, leaning your head against his bicep as you walked down the port street together. You drew attention - Din’s armor would always attract curious gazes wherever he went - but the people of Naboo were not aggressive or overly suspicious. Travelers of all kinds came to enjoy the sights of the beautiful city and the countryside, and as long as they didn’t cause trouble, the locals were happy to let them be.

“Do the people around here dress this fancy all the time?” Din asked.

You considered the locals that walked the streets, noticing their long, flowing dresses and ornately stitched suits that you’d grown up wearing and seeing everywhere in your childhood. You were so used to it that it hadn’t even occurred to you that it would seem out of the ordinary - you and Din were the ones who seemed out of place, with his armor and your plain shirt and trousers.

“Yes, but it’s not considered fancy,” you explained. “Even those who do manual labor still have some sort of detailed stitching or bright colors on their clothes.”

Din looked over at you, seeming to take in your outfit. “Do you miss it?”

You shrugged. “Maybe. Sometimes.” It had been a bit of an adjustment when you first married, but it just wasn’t practical to wear anything that ornate when you were the wife of a bounty hunter. It attracted too much attention and made for a clumsy getaway, if you ever needed to make one. It didn't bother you now, and you were happy to dress in a way more suited to your lifestyle, but you imagined it would be a fun change of pace to wear a pretty dress every now and then.

He put his free hand over yours where it rested on his arm, gentlemanly and comforting. “I’m sorry I can’t give you... nice things. The things you were used to when you lived here.”

“Oh, Din,” you said, looking up at him. “You don’t need to apologize. I love our life, and I don’t regret anything that had to change to let me be with you. I’d give up every nice thing in the galaxy to be with you if I had to.”

His laugh was a little regretful. “Haven’t you, for the most part?”

“No,” you said honestly, hoping he would understand how much you meant it. “I mean, yes, it’s very different from how I lived here, but I don’t care about all that stuff, Din. There’s nothing I’d want more than you and our son - nothing else would make me happy.”

His gaze was steady, and you wished you could see his expression.

“I love you,” he said finally.

You smiled. “I love you too,” you said, leaning your head against his arm once more. “And besides, your son would pull every last thread of beading off of anything I decided to wear that was fancier than this.”

He laughed, and you were pleased to hear that it was more relaxed. “You’re probably right about that, cyare.”

You walked arm in arm through the streets of the city, taking in the sights and sounds of the beautiful streets of Theed. Even when you lived on Naboo, you hadn’t ventured to the capitol much - your family lived in the hill country, and you only came into Theed for special occasions. In your travels with Din, you rarely visited such a bustling city center; most of his work was conducted on the scrappier, less hospitable planets. 

You dragged Din to a halt in front of a market stall with all sorts of candies and sweets, spotting something you hadn’t had since childhood and now simply couldn't go another minute without.

“What is it?” he asked. He didn’t much care for sweets, but obliged your proclivity for them all the same.

“Plasma cloud,” you said, pointing out the pink swirls of egg whites and sugar. “My father used to bring them home to us when he came to the city on business.”

Din reached in a pocket on his belt and handed you a few credits, and you grinned at him with childish excitement.

“Thank you,” you said, giving him a quick kiss on the side of his helmet before you went up to the stall owner for your treat. You came back with a bag of them in hand and one already popped in your mouth and handed Din his change.

“I’ll save a couple for you for later,” you said around another bite. They were better than you had remembered them, and reminded you of long summer days spent playing and waiting for your father to return home from the city.

“I know you don’t like candy,” you said, winding your arm around his again. “But you have to try a bite, at least.”

He chuckled. “I’ll try them for you, cyare. Are they good?”

You nodded. It was all good - the sunshine, your sugar-sticky fingers, Din beside you for a leisurely stroll through the city. You couldn’t remember the last time you and your husband did anything with leisure besides collapse in your bunk at night, and you determined you’d make a better effort to make happy afternoons like this one a priority for both of you.

“So, lover mine, where are you taking me?” you asked, happy to let him lead the way. He hadn’t given you any details about where you were staying while you were here, and you’d assumed you were going to stay with your parents, but it would have been impractical to dock in Theed and travel all the way to the hill country. You guessed he could have wanted to stay in the city, but that didn’t seem like him, and you looked up at his helm while you waited for his reply.

He looked down at you. “It’s a surprise.”

You grinned. “Okay. Is it somewhere in the city?”

“No,” he admitted. “We can stay for a while longer, but we should be heading out of the city before the sun starts to set. If I was drawing attention earlier, I'll be the most popular guy on Naboo come nightfall.”

You hummed in agreement. “It’s because of your winsome personality.”

He laughed. “Yes, that must be it. Mandalorians are notorious charmers everywhere they go.”

“Well, mine is,” you said. You traced the Mudhorn signet on his pauldron, the one that matched the pendant you wore around your neck. “I hope our kids grow up to be like you, Din.”

He looked over at you, perhaps as surprised as you were by the unexpectedly serious and heartfelt sentiment. You blushed, but you didn’t quite know why until you realized that you’d said kids, plural, and it had slipped out before you thought of the implications.

He seemed a little lost for words for a moment. 

“Thank you, cyar’ika,” he said, and you knew how much he meant it. “That’s... very kind of you to say.”

As always, his humility endeared him to you. You touched your fingers to your lips and then to the bottom of his visor.

He was quiet, and you knew him well enough to know that his cheeks were pink under the helm. Then, most likely with a gentle smile, he lightly nudged his shoulder against yours.

“I hope our kids grow up like me too,” he teased. “I’m what the Mandalorians call a ‘ramikadyc mando’.”

You smiled. “Oh? And what does that mean?”

He shrugged, easing his discomfort with the self-aggrandizing nature of the joke as he explained it to you.

“It’s used to describe someone who takes on the best of Mandalorian training and lives it to the fullest. Endurance, determination. Confidence, but justified by their skill. I’ve had the pleasure of knowing several Mandalorians who deserve the title.”

You wanted to say that he deserved the title too, but you knew he’d be embarrassed by it and wave you off. You settled for pressing closer to him, and he pressed closer to you in return.

You whiled away the afternoon in the city, window shopping and admiring the beautiful architecture as the sun sank lower in the sky. Music drifted from the concert hall, dreamy and elegant as it mixed with birdsong and people’s friendly conversations. You stopped to admire a great swath of flowering vines that had covered the side of a weathered stone building, the deep wine color of the blooms catching the fading sun.

“Millaflowers,” you said, recognizing them from a dress your mother had when you were very small, hundreds of the little blossoms carefully stitched into the fabric. “They’re beautiful, aren’t they?”

Din very carefully plucked one and tucked it behind your ear. “Even more beautiful on you, cyare.”

Your cheeks warmed as you reached up to touch his hand, surprised and delighted by the tender gesture.

“I love you,” you said.

He gave a soft laugh, affectionate and warm. “I love you too, ner sarad.”

You twined your fingers with his. “‘My flower’, right?” you translated.

He hummed in agreement. “It isn’t used that often, but I think it’s nice. I once heard an older Mandalorian say it to his wife, and I thought to myself that I’d like to call someone that one day.”

“Did you really?” you asked, endeared at the thought. “Oh, Din. You’re secretly a romantic, aren’t you?”

“Only for you,” he said sweetly. You leaned close and he obliged you with a gentle tap of his helm against your head.

“Let me take you to bed,” he said softly.

You blushed; better than anything, your husband knew how to make you feel desirable, and you were pleased with the affection and want in his voice.

You put your arms around his neck. “Okay,” you said, your voice a little wobbly and lovesick. He put his hands to your waist and drew you to him, and you suddenly wished there wasn’t so much beskar between you.

He held you for a moment longer before he released you to take your hand, leading you back through the winding streets until you came to the lakeside on the opposite side of the city from the bay. The warm lights of the city reflected over the water, and lights flickered from houses nestled into the mountains that wound around the body of water that seemed to go on forever.

“That’s where we’re headed,” Din said, pointing out a small cluster of lights just visible around the curve of one of the mountains. “Near enough to the city, but no neighbors.”

You gave him a wry grin. “Any particular reason that might be important?”

You would have bet good money he smirked under his helmet. “Yeah. I’m not very neighborly.”

You gave his shoulder a playful shove, and his laugh was bright and warm even though his modulator.

“We’re taking the ferry there,” he said. “It should be here soon.”

For the sake of Din’s dignity, you didn’t start jumping up and down with delight, but you wanted to. 

“Are we really riding the ferry?” you asked.

“...yes?”

You grinned. “I’ve never been on it before,” you said. “Mother’s deathly afraid of boats, and we didn’t go into the city with dad. I’ve always wanted to, ever since I was a little girl.”

He chuckled. “Well, I’m honored to be the one taking you on your first ferry ride, cyare. I’d have planned our trip a little differently if I knew you were that easy to please.”

You knew he was kidding, and you wondered what else he’d planned. Everything so far had been lovely; you didn’t need anything more.

“What else do you have planned, Djarin?” you asked, teasingly suspicious.

He cocked his head at you. “Haven’t you ever heard that patience is a virtue?”

You laughed. “Sure, but we both know I’m as impatient as they get.” 

He gave an affectionate hum of agreement. “Yes, cyare. I know.”

He put his arm over your shoulder and drew you close, his posture relaxed and open. You leaned against him as you waited for the ferry, watching the gentle waves on the water with more peace and contentment than you’d had in a long time.

Read chapter two!

pedro pascal character taglist: @punkgeekchic​​​​​​​​, @tv-saved-the-teenage-girl​​​​​​​​, @stardust-galaxies​​​​​​​​, @theorganasolo​​​​​​​​​ ♡

series taglist: @kyjoraven​​​​​​​​, @sarahjkl82-blog​​​​​​​​, @remmysbounty​​​​​​​​, @bitchin-beskar​​​​​​​​ ♡

(since this is a continuation of Ciryc Ca’tra, I kept the same taglist - I hope that’s ok 👉👈)

let me know if you’d like to be added to either taglist! ♡

[shesawriter39049]

|UNWRAP ME| M|

Pairing : Jimin X Reader (Ft a lil Tae)

“There’s a bow on my panties because my ass is a present!”

About- Honestly, you were just trying to prep gift bags for your company’s holiday party! But Jimins stressed, and needs a little brain reset sooo….I guess we’re prepping gift bags later!

Or- The company has quite a few deadlines to hit before you guys close for the holiday! Jimin’s in charge of talent and everybody’s fucking up…but in your line of work it’s a domino affect! So if his crew falls behind ultimately everybody’s behind! Hints Jimin’s stress and frustration....

WC: Sneak peek (1k)

WARNINGS: (FULL THING): Teasing, light edging, dirty talk, top/bottom OC, top/power bottom Jimin, hand restraints, unprotected sex, over stimulation, fingering (F receiving), biting/marking kink, VERY light degration kink (he playfully calls her a “little bitch/slut” once) light come play, light spanking

FINAL NOTE: This is a stand alone smut drabble within my OT7 poly universe called “7 DEEP”. Short AU SUMMARY: Your husband Namjoon and yourself run a successful Adult Film Entertainment Company called “Onyx” with your 5 best friends from college who you also happen to be in an open relationship with! P.S. If you’re new here Kookie joins the party a little later….

*Pierced Jimin/Red haired “Dope” Era Jimin meets 2020 Jimin!?

*Also it should go without being said but Jimin, IS Westernized, he’s from LA in this ffs!

*In true Rocki fashion I decided to do holidy prompts late af & did not finish in time for the main Holiday but w/e! Note, there is some backstory here bc this was set to be the 1st of 3 holiday prompts!** ___________________________________________________

Sunday, December 14TH, 4PM 

“Alright, so you wanna hear some bullshit?!”

K, well that’s apparently Jimin, musing around a mouth full of fries! I love how no one even bothers to knock, give notice they just show the fuck up! Whenever...

Cute.

I swear it sounds like your running a damn liquor store because there’s an obnoxious amount of bells and mistletoe hanging above the door almost acting as a doorbell at this point. Just casually Fa-la-laing together, echoing throughout your entire apartment every damn time the door opens! Honestly, your slowly regretting giving Jin and Tae free reign with decorations because that shits annoying as all hell!

Gaze still focused on your original task, not even looking in his direction “Don’t trip over the-“ There's a loud thud, followed by an obscene groan, accompanied by an even louder “Fuckkk!” Which solidified he did in fact trip over the ....

“....Box with Jin’s other Christmas tree in it ...” The words kinda died off your tongue at this point because well, clearly the warning did not fare well! “If anything’s broken I’m totally snitching just so we’re clear” Sassing over a half empty glass of spiked eggnog.

Now that you’ve finally looked at him, you find yourself hiding a smirk behind your cocktail as well! The boy is fine, you’d give him that! Looking like a model off duty, in his low cut white v, neck hidden beneath a distressed leather jacket! Topping off the look with a pair of chunky combats and disrespectfully tight dark wash denim jeans! I swear they damn near looked painted on, aviators resting on the bridge of his nose! Gucci backpack slung over his shoulder, Starbucks in one hand, and some brown bag full of grease in the other! Jimin recently went back red, looking dangerously close to the same 18 year old you met, at UCLA almost years ago now!  Just a boujier version, it’s like this Jimin’s from Calabasas instead of the Bay! Though your down for both options if we’re being real!

Not that Jimin’s not equally as good of company as well, you were honestly just expecting Tae! The two of you were starting to put together the gift bags for next week's holiday party! Hints the hot ass mess all over the floor of your living room, it’s a disgusting pile of shopping bags and boxes! Everything from Amazon to Saks Fifth, at this point you aren’t even sure where the fuck your floor starts or ends! One thing you do know for damn sure is Hobi’s going to have an aneurysm If he sees it! Sooo, hopefully Tae shows up sooner than later...

It’s become a tradition, or at least since the companies been profitable enough to do so! First off, you’re love language has always been a combination of “Gifts” and “Acts of service, so shit like this is essentially second nature!

However, quality time has slowly slipped its way into the mix over the past couple of years as well! Especially considering it’s almost a luxury for the seven of you at this point but you try not to complain! I mean Namjoon and yourself just did an interview last week for Forbes 30 under 30 for fucks sake! But anyway, like I was originally saying this little party is your way of trying to give your staff a combination of all 3 said love languages!

Above everything else you all work your asses off well, aware this is far from a 9-5, yet they give you their best constantly! Yeah, it was built on the backs of you and your boys but it wouldn’t be were it is now without everyone else! So, with that being said the schedule is as follows! 

1.Bust ass and hit all of your year end deadlines by December 22nd. 

2.The holiday party is on the 23rd...

3. Thennnnnn....after that the companies closed until the 2nd of January! 

Well kinda, if we’re being real the 7 of you never fully stop working, but you damn sure plan to try! I guess it’s the beauty and the curse of having damn near everything accessible on your phone! I swear this morning Joon was washing your back whilst you read him the latest profit/loss update from Jin soooo......that’s that!

Everyone else however....off duty with pay!

Which brings us back to the original task at hand before Jimin showed up,prepping the gift bags that get handed out at said holiday party! The invite list is pretty exclusive honestly,outside of your staff, and there plus one, the other guests are typically the immediate crew/ talent used throughout the year on various productions! Oh, there’s also special little packages mailed out to a couple of the company's sponsors as well! So all together were looking at at least 100 gift bags give or take! Of course at this stage you guys go all out but that’s not what it’s about! It’s legitimately the thought that counts!

Little gestures like this just remind people that you care,that they’re on your mind even if they aren’t currently doing you a favor! That’s what sets Onyx apart, all the little things you do without even thinking about it! Coffee, donuts, catering on set for long shoots,or even the little kits Jimin brings with him to set for the models! Fully stocked with soothing cream, heating pads, the full nine! It’s actually sad how much of a rarity it is in your line of work! 

Obviously, it goes without saying that those types of gestures aren’t feasible for everyone....However there’s companies worth more than you that do amples less!

But anyway back to Jimin and Tae! As I mentioned when the door originally opened you were expecting a mop of silver locks as opposed to red! Baby boy ran out to pick up the custom gift bags from this Indie vendor in WeHo. Hint’s why you were expecting Tae instead, now, why Jimins here I have no damn idea! Clearly we’re about to find out and apparently it’s “Some Bullshit!”

Honestly outside of checking his OOTD you didn't truly look at him. Far too busy propped on top of your oversized dining room table sorting through a manusery of  “Thank you” cards!

Eyes flicking to the left ever so slightly as you hear him shuffle closer “I-yeah sure what bullsh-wait are you eating my DoorDash?!”

It’s the way you constantly have to remind yourself that jail will not be like Orange is in the new black! Because I swear you damn near chucked this martini glass at that fire engine red dome of his!

Jimin just shrugs, a little nonchalant and unenthusiastic, almost as if he’s inconvenienced actually...

“Mmm, depends on perspective” He deadass just stuffed two more fires in his mouth! You're literally going to strangle him! It’s borderline painful how hard  your jaw tick, eyes narrowed in his direction!

Brows arched so damn high your gonna end up needing Botox from the permanent crease embedding within your skin. “Perspect-your literally eating-“

Holding a solitary finger in your direction “Tae just text me and said look at your phone and text him back...with like, a million pouty faces. Also, different note, who changed the decorations I placed on the mantle?! “

Jimin’s hand is now resting on his hip, legitimately angry about these damn decorations! I think his neck even did a couple rolls in the process, and I’m willing to bet,before he leaves they will be swapped out again!

A frustrated groan attempts to leave your throat  though it goes unacknowledged as your lacking any ounce or bite! Far too fond of both of your boys to truly be agitated at the moment! Actually that’s a lie, you high key wanna punch Jimin but it’s fine ....

“That, would be Jin, he said they clashed with the table decor” Pointing to all of the gold, and maroon colored decorations donning the marble coffee table “So, if your pissed go curse him out because I could give less than a damn! Now where the fuck is my phoneeee”

Hopping off the table causing your oversized UCLA Alum hoodie to hike over your ass. Said ass is covered or barely covered considering your cheeky, red, ruffle little panties are in fact assless! A cute little bow perched right on top of your tailbone, as if to direct the eye where to go….

Jimin is now choking on stolen fires and yeah there’s a smirk on your face as you grab your phone!

Mmmmhmmmm...and to think, maybe if he wasn’t being such a brat you’d let him unwrap one of his gifts a little early!

“Baby now he’s calling meeee” Anddddd he’s whining, wiggling his phone like it’s on fire! Ya know, moments like these in fact remind you that Tae and Jimin are the youngest!

“Oh for fucks sake!” Huffing in his direction snatching the phone and bag of Five Guys away in the process!

“Yes baby?” It’s actually terrifying how quickly your tone, and entire demeanor just switched! Somewhat reminiscent to how you’d see a mom scold one child then baby talk another all in the same breath! 

Jimin without a doubt noticed too, lip jutting out in a pout and no matter how many times you roll your eyes you still find yourself leaning forward kissing it right off! He moans into it and you Instantly taste the tangy seasoning from your fries, especially once he tries to swipe his tongue past the seam of your lips. The feeling of that tiny piece of metal playing in his mouth almost distracted you, but alas...the notion immediately reminds you why you were irked to begin with! Without even thinking you lean back into nipping at his bottom lip, though...this is Jimin we’re dealing with here! So whatever you thought you’d achieve is now dead, because a needy little whine just rustled in the back of his throat 

Speaking of love languages,there’s another called “Physical Touch” which has the words Jimin Park written all over it. So with that being said you really should’ve already been prepared for whatever’s about to unfold.

It’s subconscious at this point, head dropping down to the crook of your neck, nosing up a vein like a neglected puppy! Squeezing your waist hard enough to damn near engrave his thumb print in against your hip bones! Well, clearly he doesn’t want you going anywhere anytime soon!   

So what do you do instead? Place the bag of food on the bar, hold the phone in one hand and bring the other up to play in his freshly dyed locks! I swear this man is a second away from purring so maybe he’s not a puppy after all. Suddenly his ring clanned fingers trickle down your spine heading south, flexing his palm to squeeze down around the swell of your ass! Shifting you forward so your chest to chest...

So, here you are trying to cater to both of your boys at once...lord help you!

“No, of course I wasn’t ignoring you, I was just busy-yes Tae. You wanna put what in a what,Now?”

~~~~~

Hiii, as I mentioned above this was kinda last minute, I wrote out prompts on the 21st, then adult life kicked in. I actually had my own little office Christmas party to plan (Nothing on this scale obviously because well, we know the way the real world is rn) However because of that I couldn’t truly work on this until the 24th. However it’s been a long time since I wrote/wanted to write so I opted to just post it anyway! Hopefully the full thing will be up by the 28th at the latest.

I have also attached the overall masterlist for this AU!

7 DEEP 

[jimlingss]

Sugar and Coffee [16]

Chapter 15 - Chapter 16 - Chapter 17

➜ Words: 3k

➜ Genres: 99.5% Fluff, 0.5% Angst, Pâtisserie school!AU

➜ Summary: It isn't hard to be a pâtisserie chef, but it's not a piece of cake either. It seems like for you in particular, life keeps throwing in one wrench after another. It always finds ways to make your sweets bitter. The cherry on top is Jeon Jungkook — a rival with a sensitive sweet tooth who always finds ways to complain about you.

cr.

On Wednesday, you begin to bake, cut, and fill.   The ingredients are pulled from the borrowed kitchen — eggs, butter, buttermilk, vegetable oil, sugar, flour, baking powder, unsweetened cocoa powder, and vanilla. The oven is preheated to three hundred degrees fahrenheit and the round pans are greased. The four of you measure and mix together the dry ingredients, and then the wet ingredients.    Once it’s all ready, it’s baked while the ganache filling is worked on. Heavy cream, butter, chocolate, and a pinch of kosher salt are melted together with two tablespoons of brewed coffee to deepen the flavour. It cools and thickens, a fluffy texture that melts against your palate.    And when the moist cake is out of the oven, it cools too before being cut and filled.   “Alright, folks.” Namjoon dusts his hands off, shutting the fridge door. “Now on Friday, we just cover, dowel, and stack. Since the wedding is on Saturday, we want it to sleep overnight.”   “We’re going to have to prepare decorations tomorrow,” Sejeong says. If there was anyone’s cake that she wanted to perfect, it was her own sister’s. “Crumb coat the cakes and smooth the frosting, colour the fondants, make the flowers. Just so we can get it prepared in time and not be rushing on the last day.”    “Okay.” You offer a smile. “Are we still going with lavender?”   “That’s the plan. But we can worry about that tomorrow. How have you two been? Any problems?”   You glance at Jungkook, meeting his eye, but you divert hastily. “N-No, we’re fine. We’ve been enjoying ourselves. Thank you for bringing us along.”   “That’s not a problem.” Namjoon laughs heartily, practically glowing with a healthy tan. “We’re happy to have two more sets of hands. God knows the wedding is hectic and stressful enough, right, honey?”   “Chungha is having it tougher.” His wife sighs. “We’re just glad to get this done and over with.”   In between family feuds and relatives duking it out, you don’t need to tell them that you and Jungkook are incidentally sharing the same room over a mistake in booking. They have enough on their plates as it is.   But just because you don’t talk about your issues doesn’t mean that they’ve magically vanished.   Even if you wish that were the case.   “Morni—”   The moment you open your sleepy eyes, Jeon Jungkook has manifested in the mirror. You choke on your toothpaste, toothbrush sucked into your throat like a vacuum, lodged in. You choke it out and sputter.    Jungkook’s shocked awake, eyes widened as he pats your back.   You cough and rinse your mouth. “Oh my god. You scared me to death!”   “All I said was good morning!” He shoots you a look, leaning in too close with his still sleepy demeanour, fluffed hair and swollen face. “Are you alright?”   “Obviously not! I almost died!”   You’re not okay. Very far from any semblance of ‘okay’.   For one, you can’t look the bastard in the eye. You can’t stop yourself from perspiring. It’s as if your best friend is someone worthy to be fearful of…   No. It’s not that you’ve become afraid of Jungkook. You’re nervous.   “I’m going to shower.”   “Sounds good.”   It shouldn’t be surprising. He even warned you. But the moment Jungkook starts to strip off his shirt, you’re caught off guard at how he didn’t wait for you to leave ⁠— how comfortable he is with you. You have half a mind left to sprint out of the bathroom. Nearly falling over. Barely catching your stumble.    Jungkook watches with his brows raised incredulously.   The bathroom door eventually shuts and you change as quick as you can, and run out of the room without a word. Like you’re being chased by loan sharks.   “Hey, Y/N.” After ten minutes, Jungkook comes out topless, having forgotten to grab a shirt. But he pays no mind, toweling off his head. “We should get room servi—…...Y/N?”   The doe-eyed boy looks around, realizing that you’re gone.   You’ve headed across the resort to the restaurant for breakfast. Finally, you’re able to have a meal in peace without having to lift your head to see a big nose and brown, doe eyes.    You grab a healthy serving of eggs, toast and cereal. And you pick a good table to look out and enjoy the view.   But fifteen minutes into your meal, someone suddenly plops down across from you.   You’re startled to death again.   “I can’t believe you ditched me.”   “S-Sorry…” You look away. “I was too hungry to wait.”   “Could’ve told me at least. I would’ve hurried up.” He spreads cream cheese on his bagel, ruffled mop of hair flopping as he moves. He’s dressed like a true tourist again, this time with a hawaiian shirt that’s bright orange with blue florals all over it.   Jungkook’s eyes are round and buggy as he bites down and he hums in satisfaction at the taste. “So what are our plans for today? It’s the only full day we have left before we have to work on the cake.”   “I don’t know.” You stand up. “I finished. Should go back to the room. I have a stomach ache.”   “Really?” His left cheek is puffed out with food stored inside. “But I just got here.”   “Nature calls.” You run off, leaving your best friend in the dust.   It’s horrible being stuck on an island with Jeon Jungkook.    No matter where you run or how you hide, he’s always there.   “How was the—”   You scream.   “—bathroom trip.” Jungkook looks at you, brows furrowed deep.   “You scared me!” You put your hand over your heart where it’s pounding hard, threatening to jump out of your chest.   “But I didn’t do anything,” he defends, mouth drawing open as he gestures around, perplexed at how you could be frightened in broad daylight, in the middle of the day, with this many people around. “Are you sure you’re okay?”   “I’m fine. H-how’d you even find me?!”   “I don’t know, I was just heading back to the room. The resort isn’t that big.” He shrugs and finally is able to get a good look at you. Jungkook slowly smiles at your one-piece swimsuit. “Are you going in for a dip? I can join.”   The thought of Jungkook ripping off his shirt, jumping into the pool and getting all wet with you has your knees weak. It’s not a healthy idea.    “No. Changed my mind. It’s kind of….cold out for a swim. I’m probably going to go back inside to change.”   “Y/N. It’s hot. It’s like a hundred degrees out here.”   You muster stiff laughter. “Well I’m feeling a bit chilly. Gonna go back and change. See ya!”   You sprint off again, in a completely disoriented manner. Jungkook shouts your name when you nearly slip on a puddle of water by the poolside and almost crack your head open. But luckily, you catch yourself and throw him a half-hearted smile and an exaggerated wave goodbye.    Part of you wishes you would’ve just fallen into the pool or hit your head. Maybe it would finally knock some sense into your brain.   There’s no reason for you to be so nervous around him. This is Jeon Jungkook you’re talking about — IU fanboy, the biggest nerd of the universe, officially the worst flirt on this planet.   There’s absolutely no reason for your stomach to flip. For you to be unable to retain eye contact with your friend. For you to suddenly be so self-aware and conscious of him that you feel nervous when he’s around and nervous when he’s not. There’s no reason whatsoever…   “You need to get your head straight.”   You’re muttering to yourself as you walk. You probably look crazy, but need to hear it out loud. If no one’s going to help you by saying it, then you’ll say it yourself. “Focus, Y/N. Focus—”   A blood-curdling shriek tears from your stomach when there’s suddenly knocking. You turn to see Jeon Jungkook beside you, separated by a window, but laughing hysterically at your reaction. His nose is scrunched, mouth drawn up into that boyish smile of his.   He’s inside the fitness center in a white tank top, sweating enough to make his hair damp, and the dark stands are pushed back against his head. That little shit is scaring you on purpose now.   “Are you shitting me, Jeon Jungkook?!” Your fist pounds against the glass and you fail to notice how everyone else in the gym is whirling their heads around at the noise.   The resort attendant runs up on you.   “Ma’am, please don’t bang on the glass.”   “S-sorry.”   Jungkook is in bigger hysterics now, bent over and grabbing his stomach, laughing loud enough for you to hear through the window. His smile is excited, eyes lit up.   Everywhere. Every corner you turn to. Every path you take. Some way or another — whether you’re talking to Namjoon or Chungha, hanging at the bar, around the pool, on the beach to watch the waves — no matter how hard you try to evade him, Jungkook is always there.   You didn’t know it would be so hard to avoid him. He’s truly like the plague.   Or maybe a curse.    Better yet, it would be more fitting to call Jeon Jungkook the year-round Christmas grinch. He’s here to ruin your life, ruin your holiday, and make your head filled with him and only him.   “You’re not avoiding me, are you?”   He finally asks after crawling into bed beside you that night. His hands are folded on top of his midsection and he’s staring up at the ceiling even if he can’t see when the entire room is drowned in a comfortable darkness.   You muster some laughter. “Don’t be ridiculous.”   The sheets shift and from the little light coming through the terrace glass doors, you can see him looking at you. And you can feel his body warmth with the small distance. “I would hate it if you were a hypocrite since you don’t like when others ghost you.”   “I said I’m not,” you whine. The lie gives a tickle of guilt in your gut. “You shouldn’t accuse people after they’ve already defended themselves.”   “Okay.” The corners of his lips quirk. “Just making sure. I don’t want to scare you off.”   You scoff, eyes adjusting enough to be able to look at him. It’s quiet, with him beside you underneath the covers, too close but too far. Yet somehow, in spite of the silence of your room, it’s still very noisy inside your head. “You really think you’re going to get rid of me that easily?”   “No. And I’m glad for that. I wouldn’t want to lose you.” Jungkook grins and he teases, “You’re not a coward, Y/N. Right?”   “Psh. Go to bed, Jeon.”   “Hmm, I’m not tired, but I do know an activity we can do together that’ll tire me right out.”   “Yeah, my fist meeting your face.”   He laughs and you roll over, tugging the covers up to your chin.   You don’t say out loud, don’t admit it, but you are a coward.    One big coward who pretends to face the truth with courage, but actually learnt to run and hide in the face of trouble. A coward who can’t face the music, who’s actually wide awake like he is, but won’t say it. Whose heart is stuttering too loud to try to slip underneath the seduction of slumber.    You won’t admit the funny feeling you get when your gaze sets upon Jungkook. You won’t acknowledge it even when it’s screaming into your ear drums and drumming against your rib cage. You won’t confess that the nervousness you feel is far from platonic.   It’s hard not to feel stuck on Jungkook. These days, the last person you see before you sleep is him and he’s the first person you see when you wake up. He’s both the beginning and the end.   “Hey, Y/N.” You’re stirred away by a soft voice calling to you. “Wake up.”   When your lids peel back, you see him. The strands of his black hair nearly tickle the skin of your cheeks and he smiles tenderly at you. “We have a long day. Come on.”   You’re a coward and you have been for some time now.   //   Friday is the busiest day of the week. It’s the eve of the wedding and where you’re in the kitchen for hours on end.   Between the four of you, the lilac-coloured fondant is rolled out to cover the chocolate cake and ganache frosting. The dowel rods are inserted and the cake is stacked. Once it’s to Sejeong’s satisfaction, the decorating process begins. The sugar lavender that you made yesterday is used, placed delicately in the correct positions and you work on tracing a lace pattern on the bottom most layer.   Hours later, with muscles sore and eyes stinging, she’s finally satisfied.   It ends up looking magnificent. All the effort is presented in front of you — the cake is a soft purple colour, lavender flowers made from gum paste and real lilacs edible.   “It’s too pretty to eat.”   “It always is.” Sejeong smiles. “But when we do, it’ll be delicious.”   Namjoon stretches his arms over his head, making noises as his bones crack. “I’m starving. What time is it?” He checks his watch. “I think the snack bar is still open. We should go eat now since we have to wake up bright and early tomorrow.”   “I forgot how much work it was to be a bridesmaid.” Sejeong sighs lightly. “Let’s just get the cake in the fridge for now.”   Jungkook and Namjoon carefully move the cake into the refrigerator area, a whole cold storage, and you take your aprons off, washing your hands. Sejeong turns to you and Jungkook. “Are you guys hungry too? You probably are since we’ve been working so late.”   You exchange a look with him. “N-No. We’re fine.”   “Are you sure?” Namjoon asks, brows raised.   “Yeah, I’m sure. I’m more tired than hungry. I’ll probably call it a night.”   “Same here.” Jungkook offers a smile, following your lead.   “Well alright, I’ll see you both bright and early then! Good job, you two.” Namjoon smiles and both he and his wife leave the kitchen, talking to one another until their voices fade away.   Jungkook then turns to you with his brow raised. “Are you really not hungry?”   You look down at your stomach and it rumbles. You wonder if he can hear it too. “I thought I’d give them alone time since we’ve been busy all day….”   An extended sigh pulls from the man’s lungs.   Jungkook smiles and as he passes by you, he ruffles your hair. “You’re so unnecessarily thoughtful sometimes….”   You turn around, trailing after him. Jungkook opens the fridge and hums, eyes searching.    “What are you doing?” you ask curiously.   “Looking for ingredients since a little someone said they weren’t hungry and now we can’t go to the only place still open.” He grins easily. “So unless you want to go back to the hotel room and wait half an hour for room service, I’ll cook.”   Jungkook sounds so self-assured that you comply, finding your place on a stool as he begins to pull out mushrooms, shallots, parmesan cheese, butter, and starts digging around the cupboards. “You can cook?”   “’Course I can. I’m a master of the kitchen.” His eyes flicker up and the little shit mocks you. “Why? Can’t you?”   “The pan always burns,” you mutter.   “Is that why you can’t melt chocolate over the stove?” he questions with a glint of mischief.   “For the record, I’m getting better. It’s not like I do it intentionally anyway. But are we even allowed to use these ingredients, Jungkook? Won’t we get into trouble?” It’s not your kitchen after all — just a small space the resort was willing to let you use.   He merely shrugs. “We have to live a little.”   You sit on the other side of the island, watching him closely.    Jungkook finds a can of chicken stock and heats it over the stove in a small saucepan. Then he moves to chop shallots and mushrooms, sleeves pulled up to his elbows, forearms revealed as he works the knife in a constant motion that’s therapeutic to listen to. Jungkook fries the shallots and mushrooms over the hot oil and butter in a skillet, tossing and flipping them as they sizzle.   He works fluidly, in a rhythm without needing to stop and think twice. It’s fun to watch.   “What are you making?”   “Mushroom risotto.”   “Sounds fancy.”   “It is,” he lies.    In your ignorance, you’re unaware that it’s actually an easy recipe. You’re also oblivious to the fact that Jungkook is secretly beaming with gratitude that his dad taught him this recipe years ago. His dad was right that he needed to learn how to cook basic dishes to one day impress.   Jungkook adds the rice, coating it in the butter before adding a cup of white wine he found in the cupboards. Once it’s fully absorbed, he puts in the chicken stock and adds salt to taste. All the while, he’s watching you from the corner of his eye. He can read you like a book and your amazed expression feeds directly into his ego.   When Jungkook turns around to throw something in the sink, he lets his enormous smile slip.   “If we ever have the time, I’ll make you shrimp or chicken risotto.”   “You can make that?”   “Of course, cooking isn’t hard.”   “Pft. You really know how to do everything, don’t you, Jeon?”   “You said it, not me.”   He serves it on a big plate, even taking the extra step to clean the edges up with a napkin. You’re amazed and when he arrogantly urges you to take a bite, you can’t even tell him off. It’s delicious.   And once you say so, he can't deny how happy he is.   Jungkook is over the fucking moon. He would cook for you for the rest of his life if you’d let him.

[bloodypapercut]

f.w. headcanons (part ii)

here it is! you’re all too kind to me so i truly hope you enjoy! <3 (I apologize if this headcanon is a bit redundant)

word count: 2.1k

@somekidinacoma

(if you’d like to be tagged just ask, i’d be more then happy to!)

-he talks about you so much, molly and arthur practically know everything about you. as for the other weasleys you all get along and they make you feel like you’re part of the family

-he’s so excited to show you everything around the house, like his room, the backyard, the small fort all his siblings made together in the woods, the treehouse, and all the little trinkets that litter every available space. he’s practically shaking when he meets you at the train station because he can’t contain his emotions

-he can’t wait for the people he loves the most to be together. the thought of you, his siblings and his parents in the same household just excite him so much and fills him with joy 

-when you arrive molly has already made all of your favorites because she knew from all of fred's letters about you and arthur is already asking about how your ride was and if you saw anything interesting (his letters are mostly about you, they only contain 2 sentences about him)

-you get along with molly and arthur very well, they treat you with so much kindness and love. molly lets you cook with her and she shows you old photos of fred. you and arthur have conversations about muggle things he finds interesting and about all the fun experiences you’ve had while art hogwarts

-when fred leads you to his room he shows you his first inventions that he made with george many years ago, seeing his eyes fill with pride is one of your favourite sights 

-his side of the room is covered with pictures of you and him, letters and doodles from you and it’s so cute “george says it’s creepy like it’s some sort of shrine.” “i wouldn’t expect any less from you.”

-he lets you rummage through the old clothes that are too small for him and keep them. they still smell like him, a mixture of cinnamon, ash, pine, and orange

-sneaking down to the kitchen while everyone sleeps and eating cake outside

-baking 4am cookies with fred, trying your hardest not to laugh and make a lot of noise, but it just ends up with the two of you feeding each other the cookie dough then getting stomach aches the next morning 

-throwing popcorn at him, him diving to try and catch it, probably leading to his head banging against a table (pouty fred trying to ignore you but ultimately failing when you kiss him all over his face)

-sitting around a fire with his entire family as they all laugh and tell stories, his arm around your shoulders and your head leaning against his

-water chugging competitions, you always win

-staring competitions, he’ll always pull odd faces in an attempt to get you to crack or tickle you with strands of your hair

-stargazing in his old treehouse, holding hands and falling asleep in that position. (imagine fairy lights everywhere, there's a record player in the corner playing si tu n’etais pas la, you’re both under a blanket and you’re tracing words onto his palm making him guess what your message is) 

-he comes up from behind you and drapes a blanket over your shoulders while hugging you and talking into your hair, his speech being muffled

-refusing him kisses before class if he’s the reason you’re late, to which he’ll reply by lightly pulling your hair when you try and walk away from him. he doesn’t show any signs of relenting so you quickly turn around and kiss him hard while gripping on his collar, but as soon as he tries to deepen it you turn and rush through the classroom door quickly

-while walking down a corridor together he’ll twirl you around

-sometimes he’ll just hold you up because he wants to admire you. or he’ll prop you on a desk or dresser just so you’re face to face, so he can look at every feature on your face 

-i cannot stress enough how warm his hugs are, they completely engulf you and all you can smell is his jumper and you can feel his heartbeat, his hands gripping at the ends of your sweater then slowly running up and down your back in your jumper and he’ll nudge your leg with his knee as an indicator for you to step into him so there's practically no space between the two of you

-slow dancing, he’ll hold you tightly to his chest with his arms wrapped around your waist and your head will be on his shoulder while you play with the strands of hair at the base of his neck. you’ll have hushed conversations about what you want to do in the future, all the places you wanna travel to together, and all the domestic things you can’t wait to do together (while the catfish and the bottlemen cover of read my mind plays in the back)

-pretending to have mini-concerts in his dorm, using random objects as microphones, screaming, jumping around on every surface that will allow it (in my mind fred dances like jarvis cocker)

-if you’re both singing he’ll claim that you’re outshining him so he’ll try and cover your mouth, which leads to you covering his mouth, which ends with him just him licking your hand and you rubbing it off on him “you did not.” “yes, and i’ll do it again.” he’ll take off running, causing you to chase him

-the two of you sitting next to each other while listening to music and you’ll start to head bop, then he’ll start to head bop together in unison

- during lessons he’ll slip little sweets into your hand

-he’ll nudge your ribs while you’re trying to pay attention to class and whispers to you “i’m so in love with you darling.” to which you’ll just grin and hold his hand under the table, tracing shapes onto the back of it

-he definitely throws things at you randomly, at any given location, nothing that would hurt you obviously

-sometimes he’ll just stop mid-sentence and look at you in awe, his mouth slightly agape and eyes wide. his smile is so bright and genuine, his dimples are so prominent and his eyes crinkle and it’s so contagious, you can’t help but hold his face and kiss his forehead lightly

-he admires you so so much, you motivate him to work as hard as he can because one day he hopes that his business will be enough to sustain a life that he wants to give you, he wants to give you the world and he wants to encourage you to follow your dreams as much as you do for him

-very specific compliments “your earlobes are a really nice shape” “i really like the space between your eyebrows” “ahh your nose is just so cute i just wanna poke it all day”

-he gave you a locket and it has a picture of you and him on your first hogwarts train ride together. and whenever he gets the chance he’ll put it on for you, he loves sweeping your hair out of the way and softly putting the necklace around your neck

-matching rings 

-fred definitely knows how to make bracelets and rings, i feel like he’d always make them for ginny and molly on holidays. he’d make you so many, and on your birthday he gave you a really ornate silver jewelry box

-he loves brushing your hair 

-whenever you’re staying up whether it be studying or writing an essay he will not allow himself to sleep until you’re done, he says people who suffer together stay together. he’ll also try to shovel food in your mouth and make you drink water or tea to assure sure you’re not depriving yourself. in return, you stay up with him while he’s trying to perfect the products he wants to sell. you’ll sit side by side bumping knees and rubbing his back while he scribbles into his notebook

-sometimes he’ll ask for you to lean your back against his because he still wants to be able to work and be around you, but he gets distracted by your face because he just wants to kiss you every time he sees your eyebrows furrow as you reread a paragraph, or your tongue dart out of your mouth, or a tendril of hair slip from your ponytail and onto your face

-he’s not one to be very hard on himself about attendance, but if you are he’ll wake you up and remind you that you have a test to get to, or you have to attend practice. he’ll help you get ready but as soon as he drops you off he’ll go back to sleep or go to the kitchens to get food for you and him for after your class or practice 

-he’s so good at comforting people, he takes it after molly. it may seem at times that he’s insensitive due to his playful nature, but if he sees that you’re frantically flipping through pages, nibbling at the end of your pen he will hold your face tenderly between his hands and reassure you in a soft and sincere voice “why’re you being so hard on yourself? can’t you see how hard you’re working and how accomplished you are?” “take a rest, beautiful, you deserve it.” “i’m so proud of you, you have no idea how much you push me to work harder.” “you’ve got a stunning mind, but i think you should give it a break okay?” “you’re so resilient, angel, you can do this okay? i’m right here.”

-if you have a headache he’ll massage your head. if any part of your body hurts he’ll try and soothe it. he’ll pause occasionally to kiss whatever part is in pain

-(for any female, male  or non-binary angels that get their period)he’ll keep his hands over where you’re cramping and he’ll let you curl around him. he even bought you a huge body pillow because he’d want you to use it when he couldn’t be with you. he’ll feed you whatever you crave and he’ll read to you or sing quietly to you (fred with an acoustic ahhh). he’ll constantly reassure you, saying that you only have a couple more days left, and if the pain is really bad he’ll try and soothe you to sleep. fred also keeps track of your period, he’s surprisingly really really good with dates 

-he likes humming you to sleep while he pushes the hair out of your face, rubs your back, and kisses your forehead lightly

-if you’re about to do something you’re really nervous about he’ll look you in the eyes, grab both of your hands and encase them in has after leaving kisses on them. then he’ll place them on his chest and give you a reassuring grin

-when he gets hurt from quidditch you stay next to him the entire time he’s in the hospital wing, the two of you playing cards or helping him plan a future prank

-he holds your chin between his thumb and index finger and kisses you softly. you two have to stop occasionally because one of you will giggle, causing you to nudge your noses together

-he’ll wake up randomly in the middle of the night and nudge you until you stir “go to sleep fred.” “nooo let’s talk, i wanna have a conversation.” “can’t we talk tomorrow, it’s your fault i’m so tired.” “but love, all these thoughts, amazing beautiful one of a kind thoughts are ripe in my mind now, if we talk tomorrow i won’t remember.” “isn’t that a relief?” “c’monnnnnn.”

-a lot of back and forth bickering “wow, i’m speechless.” “finally.” “shut up freddie.” “look who’s talking.” “you are.” “no you are.” “no now you are.” “you. are.” “shut up.” “we’re back at square one i see.”

-the two of you reeling over in laughter, tears slipping down your cheeks and gasping for air (all. the. time.)

-during the train ride to hogwarts he leans against the wall of the cabin while you lean on his chest, then you’ll take everyone's jackets and use them as blankets and pillows. you’ll cuddle, eat random sweets, and nap throughout the entire ride

-he constantly takes pictures of you and he has an entire box filled of them, the box also has tickets from shows you went to together, receipts from random dates you’ve been on and little notes you’ve passed during class. he plans to keep all of these to decorate the flat he hopes he can live in with you

-he will randomly run into your room, drop a bag and rush out as quickly as he came. usually there are your favorite sweets, socks, candles and a new book. in return you try and spoil him as much as spoils you because he deserves the world 

[prinxlyart]

God bless ya for providing your perfect takes on Willumity! If anyone hasn't beaten me to it, I would like to ask your headcanon on how their relationship would start, and how do you think thwir children would be! Oh, and on another ship, how you think Boschlow would unfold?

My heart is too full for this, I need to dump it all out into this post

Hmmm, their relationship could start any number of ways. I don’t have a favorite that I can pull from my imagination. My sad angsty polyamorous heart wants there to be a lot of sad tension between all of them (Willow is upset because she can clearly see that Luz and Amity like each other, why would either of them pay attention to her?? // Amity is upset because Luz was able to befriend Willow so easily and so quickly and they were immediately affectionate with one another on the first day they met. They deserve to be happy together without Amity ruining it or having her overbearing last name hanging over them. // Luz is upset because she’s helped Willow and Amity rekindle their broken friendship and watched it blossom into potentially something more?? She’s so scared she’s going to be left behind again. She’s had friends in the past that ditched her once they became closer to one another. Luz is downright terrified that it’s going to happen again. ) [projecting?????? Whose projecting I’m not projecting]

I feel like if anything, the dam would break what with all these unresolved romantic feelings bearing down on them all. I don’t know who would break first, but whoever she broke in front of would let her know she needs to speak to the other two about it ASAP. Because if worse comes to worst, they’ll gently reject you and insist you all remain friends. None of them would break off their friendships with one another due to unreciprocated feelings.

Once they do sit down and confess their feelings for one another they all just. Start crying in utter relief. They don’t have to lose anyone, and even better, they like me back.

RE: Kids? I have no idea. I’ve never been one for fan kids much, I usually leave that to others and appreciate it when someone makes one I actually like. I think the only thoughts I’d have on them having kids would be that these three would be the Most Supportive Parents in the world with an even more supportive network of grandparents. Like. Any kids they have will be adored so much they might accidentally smother the poor thing(s).

I feel like Luz and Willow would insist they have more than one kid (if they do decide to have kids). Neither of them have siblings and grew up rather lonely as a result. They don’t want that for any kids they might raise. Amity is only a little reluctant to agree because she grew up with Edric and Emira, but ultimately agrees with her wives that that would be best.

Oh, and family gatherings at holidays would be so fucking chaotic oh my god. They either need to enlist the help of someone in the construction coven to expand a portion of their house or consider renting out a public space if they all say they’re going to come because there’s just so many people. Absolute Chaos. Luz adores the family gatherings because she always wanted to be part of a big family and now she is.

They tend to stress Amity out only because of the amount of planning and cooking to be done, but ultimately ends up enjoying herself (it’s still weird to see her parents attend these gatherings and playing with her children and wait- did dad just sneak her some of the dessert?!?! UGH, she’ll be awake for hours thanks dad).

Willow also loves the family gatherings but gets easily overwhelmed by the amount of people in attendance. She’s the one that would go one by one with everyone that came and just spend some time with them, catching up until the conversation naturally flows to the next person. She has now idea how Luz can ping pong off the walls with the energy she does, but she’s always admired that about Luz. It also tickles her heart and makes her feel warm and fuzzy inside whenever Luz’s pinballing ends up aimed at her because Luz will always put both hands on Willow’s shoulders, give her a kiss on the cheek and check in with her. Once they’ve confirmed they’re both doing okay, Luz will kiss her cheek again and kinda nuzzle their heads together before she’s off to talk with someone else. Luz does the same thing with Amity and even still after all these years, it reduces Amity to a blushing mess. Anyone around that witnesses it either coos at how cute they are or gags at the display of affection (take your pick at who lol).

You can’t just ask me to switch gears right in the middle of domestic fluff and just rewind way back to potential Boschlow stuff oh man. Let’s see....I personally am a huge proponent of Boscha getting her act together, not related to her feelings for anyone, before she tries to pursue Willow. Whether or not Willow is part of the process of her changing for the better can be up to you. But Boscha has a lot of stuff she needs to sort out before I let her anywhere near my plant daughter Willow.

I actually follow a couple fics dedicated to exactly that. Jackal’s Ladder was REALLY good and has finished! Idk if the author is going to continue it as a series but I’ve got my fingers crossed 🤞. The New Normal is another favorite of mine. It really looks into what bothers Boscha and makes her the bully she is, tears it all down, and makes her build herself back up. And she’s not doing it to please anyone. She’s just doing it for herself. (But then there’s tiny hints of Boschlow on the horizon that I’m super eager for).

All in all, I think Boscha is an interesting character and could have a great relationship with Willow; she just needs to get her shit together first. Idk how it would happen tbqh, but maybe Willow sees how hard Boscha is trying at being a better person? Maybe she sees Boscha doing something genuinely kind to someone else like helping an elderly witch at the market? Idk, something soft like Amity reading to kids that proves that she’s actually doing this “being better” thing for herself and not for an audience that she’s trying to fool. I think at that point Willow genuinely believes Boscha is trying and is encouraging her in her efforts, even going as far as extending an olive branch so they can try being friends. Willow’s curious about the person Boscha is when she’s not a bully. And now that she knows for certain that she’s not lying or doing this for some kind of cookie points, she’s willing to put in the effort.

I think it’d be very fun to watch Willow realize Boscha has a crush on her and then use that to flirt with her mercilessly. Because she does kinda sorta reciprocate those feelings?? But she’s still not certain of them yet. And it’s so much fun to watch Boscha turn the same color as her hair. So until she sorts out those feelings, she’s just gonna flirt relentlessly with her until something changes.

[eyeofthedrgn]

A Heavy Battle Symphony Chapter 10

TW: language, mental abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, violence, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, self harm, self-esteem issues, sexual abuse (only alluded to briefly in future chapters), drinking (comes up late in the story) just a lot of trauma, angst, smut - ish

Notes: Things get a little steamy in this one.

Word Count: 2971

Chapter 10 - The Messenger

When you suffered it all

And your spirit is breaking

You're growing desperate from the fight

Remember your love

Lorcan had been living at the Whitethorn residence for a few months now. He had managed to get his GED through online courses, having not graduated because he was being beaten within an inch of his life. Rowan was at the University of Terrasen with most of their friends. Barb, Rowan’s mother, took care of Lorcan as if he were her own.

He quickly started to care for her. She was an amazing lady. And an amazing baker. Lorcan had put on a lot of weight because of her, he was almost to the weight he was last time he was here. With the weight gain, he became a little more comfortable with his body and his self-esteem slowly started to grow.

It was still a long road to be completely healed. If he ever got there. His mental health was still very poor. Nightmares almost every night. Panic attacks. Anxiety. Even a little bit of paranoia, worried that this was all a dream that he was going to wake up from and the nightmares were real life. Rowan's mother helped him find a therapist and paid for it. Which he was overly thankful for, he promised he would pay her back when he could. It felt so strange to feel cared for.

The therapy was helping. Slowly. He did have a whole life of trauma to work through after all. There was no way Lorcan could hold a job with his anxiety and chronic fatigue, so Rowan's mother just made him do things around the house for now.

But he missed Rowan. They talked and texted often, on the phone Barb had gotten Lorcan, another thing he would pay her back for. But he just wanted to hold Rowan's hand. Thankfully, the winter holidays were coming and Rowan would be home for a couple weeks.

Rowan had been a big part of Lorcan's initial recovery before going off to university. They had gotten close even though Lorcan hardly talked, hardly wanted to be touched, but he had become accustomed to his presence. There was an unspoken connection between them, both gained a lot just by being together.

++++

Rowan loved University, but gods above, he missed Lorcan. It took a long time to convince Lorcan that he was deserving of all the good things in the world, happiness and love, but there were still too many days when he felt unworthy.

He was excited to go home for Solstice. He couldn't wait to kiss that onyx eyed man again, he hoped Lorcan wanted to be kissed. If not, that was okay, they would get to spend time together and that would be enough.

Rowan was unsure if Lorcan had ever celebrated Solstice or if he had ever received a gift of any kind. It made the man stress about what to get him. The gift needed to be good if this really was his first ever Solstice gift. But he couldn't figure out what to get Lorcan. He honestly didn’t know him that well, he just knew that they needed to be together.

"Elide! Help!" He was lying on the couch in the apartment he shared with Aelin and Elide. "I need to get a present for Lorcan!" Rowan whined.

"You know him better than anyone else, Roro!" He sighed at that because he knew that wasn’t much. She was lying on the floor, her eyes closed. They were both exhausted. The final they had today had been brutal.

"I know, but," Rowan sighed again. "I don't think he's ever gotten a gift before.” That thought made him sad, Lorcan had never had a fair life. No one ever loved him enough or really at all. “It has to be good!"

"You should make him something. Or.. Oh!" She rolled over to face Rowan, eyes bright with excitement at her idea. "Print out and frame that photo I took of you two before you left!" Elide was excited now. "That's it! Do that! He'll love it!"

Rowan smiled remembering how Lorcan clung to him on the sidewalk, not wanting him to leave. And then, when Elide showed him the edited photo on her laptop, he fell in love with it and made his desktop wallpaper. "I think that's a great idea."

---

Rowan had gotten home after Lorcan went to bed. He tried to stay awake, but life and his cocktail of medications made him so tired. And he never slept a full eight hours. The nightmares made sure of that.

Tonight was no different. In this nightmare, he was back in Morath, in the basement. Being beaten to death again. He was panting and sweaty when he awoke. Sheets wrapped around his legs from his thrashing.

Guess it's time for another 3am shower. This was his new normal, early morning showers to try and wash the nightmare away before trying to get some more sleep and usually failing.

When he was done, he put on a fresh pair of boxer briefs and a plain black hoodie. Hellas, it was nice to have new clothes and ones that fit. He went to cross the hall to his room and then remembered Rowan should be home. His stomach fluttering at the thought.

Without thinking of what he was doing, he padded his way to Rowan's door. He knocked quietly, he heard a groan. His breath quickened and his heart raced. Lorcan cracked the door.

"Rowan?" His voice barely more than a whisper.

"Lor'an?" Rowan was still half asleep.

"Can I come in?"

"Mmm, yeah. Come 'ere." He patted his bed in his sleepy haze. Lorcan sat on the bed. "You 'kay?" He held the blanket up and arms out.

"Not really." He cuddled into Rowan's chest and twined their legs together without a second thought. It just felt so natural. They hadn’t really cuddled like this before, but Lorcan just needed to feel close.

"I gotchu." His arms curled around Lorcan's form and snuggled against him, placing a lazy kiss to the top of his head. And sleep claimed them both.

++++

The sun was shining through the blinds on the window when Rowan finally woke up. He went to stretch, but found a Lorcan attached to him which made him smile wide. After giving him a light squeeze, he started caressing Lorcan's back.

Lorcan stirred, a soft content sound escaping his lips. Rowan kissed his hair. He felt so privileged that Lorcan let him hold him. After the life that Lorcan had lived, Rowan was surprised he let anyone touch him.

Before Rowan left for University, they barely touched besides chaste kisses and hand holding. Cuddling had been rare. Lorcan's past made it hard for him to be touched without flinching. It broke his heart every time Lorcan flinched at his touch. Now, their limbs were tangled and Rowan’s heart was soaring. In Rowan's sleepy stupor early this morning, he hadn't even realized how big of a deal it was that Lorcan willingly curled up in his arms. It felt so right holding the dark haired man to his chest. He wanted to wake up like this every morning, for the rest of their lives.

"Mmm," Lorcan nuzzled Rowan's chest and leaned against the caress of Rowan's hand on his back. The silver haired man smiled. "Thank you." The sleep was heavy in his voice.

"For what?"

"For holding me," the words were quiet and vulnerable. They pulled on Rowan's heart strings.

"Of course." He placed another kiss on Lorcan's head. "Do you want to talk?" The slight tension beneath his arm told him they probably weren't going to talk. And that was fine. At least Lorcan felt comfortable enough to seek comfort rather than suffer alone.

"Nightmare."

"I'm sorry, love. What was it?"

Lorcan just shrugged.

"Well, I'm here if you want to talk. I'll do whatever I can to help, okay?" Rowan brushed the black silky strands off Lorcan's face and looked into those gorgeous onyx eyes. They bumped noses and Lorcan hummed his acknowledgment.

"Kiss me?"

Rowan smiled, heart pattering, and leaned in to press his lips to his forehead. Lorcan huffed, Rowan chuckled. Another kiss was pressed to his temple. A sigh.

His cheek was next.

Humph.

Next, his nose.

Then Rowan teased his love once more, kissing the corner of his mouth. Lorcan whined, the corner of his mouth turned up at Rowan’s tomfoolery. Rowan touched their noses together and smiled. Another whine.

Finally, he put the man out of his misery and pressed his lips to the soft luscious lips of his favorite person. He was greeted with a soft moan. That's new.

Rowan wasn't expecting Lorcan's body to react as it did. He arched against him and Rowan felt a hardness against his thigh. For all that was good in this world, save him.

"Rowan," Lorcan breathed against his lips.

Fuck.

They hadn't even made out yet. Rowan had never felt Lorcan's body like this, they hadn’t been physically close enough to be able to feel any need from Lorcan’s body. He had never observed him wanting more than soft courting touches.

And the way he said his name. He wanted to melt into Lorcan.

Lorcan's hand swept down his sides, rested on his hip and gave it a squeeze. Rowan let out a soft moan.

"What do you want, Lorcan?" Rowan cupped his love's cheek with his other hand.

Lorcan ground his hips against Rowan's thigh. A groan left his lips.

"I need you to say what you want, love."

His love released a breath, "I want to feel good with you. I missed you." His words were quiet and vulnerable.

But holy gods above. Rowan made a note to thank Lorcan's therapist. He knew the sessions were helping, but he didn't realize there would be such a shift in the physicality of their relationship. He wondered if Lorcan touched himself now and what he thought about while doing it.

Now wasn't the time for those thoughts. Now was the time for deciding if they should really do this. Rowan really wanted to, it seemed like Lorcan really wanted to as well. Maybe they should just make out and see where it goes.

"I think we should start with making out first. And if you still feel strongly about continuing, we can." After seeing the hurt on Lorcan's face. Was he wrong? Maybe he should have just not said anything and just encouraged going slow with his actions. Fuck. "Oh, love, I want to make you come for me more than anything. Don't doubt that." He ran his fingers through his midnight hair. "We just haven't done a lot and I don't want to push you or have you push yourself farther than you want. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Yes." Rowan felt Lorcan start to pull away, rolling off Rowan and onto his side.

"Hey. Don't pull away. I didn't mean to hurt you or disappoint you. I just- I know you've been through a lot." He placed a gentle kiss on the corner of Lorcan's mouth. "Can I kiss you?"

His thumb caressed Lorcan's jaw. Those onyx eyes held a sadness, but also something else that Rowan couldn’t place.

Lorcan nodded. Though he seemed hesitant, Rowan hoped he was reading him wrong.

Rowan pressed his body against Lorcan's as he captured Lorcan's mouth, doing his best to show his emotions. Trying to show Lorcan that he was wanted. After a few sensual kisses, Rowan ran his tongue over the seam of his lover's lips. Lorcan whined as he opened his mouth. His tongue swept in and claimed Lorcan's mouth.

It seemed Lorcan's body wasn't sure what to do with the sensation of Rowan’s tongue in his mouth. He pressed into Rowan's chest, arched into every touch, and ground his hips against his thigh. It was as if the man’s brain had shut off and just needed a pressure release. Gods above, it was setting Rowan on fire. Their hands were everywhere, touching whatever they could.

It was heaven, until he made the mistake of putting his hand up Lorcan's hoodie to touch the skin of his back. He had just wanted to be closer, he hadn't thought it would have been an issue. But Lorcan broke away in an instant. And being lost in the moment, his mind was slow to catch up on what was happening. He had wanted to do this for months.

But when he went to pull Lorcan back to him, Lorcan was gone. Damn, he was fast.

Fuck.

Fuckfuckfuck!

"Lorcan!" He untangled himself from the sheets and jogged to Lorcan's room. He knocked. "I'm sorry. Please let me in." Silence. "Please. I'm sorry." He rested his forehead on the door. Gods, he felt like shit. That was his second fuck up of the day and he’d only been awake for an hour.

After a couple minutes, he sighed, "I'm sorry.." He went back to his room to get dressed. He felt like crap. He had always been so careful before. Why did he let his body take control? He was just hoping he didn't ruin the progress that Lorcan had made over the last few months.

---

Hellas below, that had felt amazing. Lorcan had never wanted pleasure before. He had never cared before about the pleasures of the body. But something about being in Rowan's arms this morning, he felt the need to express himself. And Rowan's tongue in his mouth. Hel, it felt like he was melting, like their bodies would become one. His body was over stimulated and it just did whatever it could to touch Rowan.

Then, he had to panic. Why did he panic? He wanted Rowan's hands on his skin. His skin was burning to be touched, but he freaked out. Lorcan figured that was a product of some of the punishments Perrington gave him. There were light scars as proof of them. And then Rowan was too far gone to notice. The primal part of him to survive took over. So, he bailed. He ran. He wasn’t even sure how he managed to move so fast.

Now, he sat on the floor in the corner of his room, Rowan was at his door apologizing. But he couldn't move. He felt bad, but his body was still betraying him. He wanted to explain. Then, there was one last soft "I'm sorry" at the door before he heard footprints shuffle away.

Lorcan desperately wanted to cut himself. How could he have thought he was ready? Especially after Rowan turned him down, he hadn't actually wanted Rowan to kiss him after that, the rejection stung, but he felt like he couldn't say no. He should have said no. He pulled up his sleeve and ran his fingertips over the dozens and dozens of scars. He resisted the urge to grab the razor blade out of the spine of his journal. Instead, he let the voice of his therapist in his head take over as his fingers continued over the scarring.

His therapist had given him different techniques to help him in different situations. Lorcan started grounding himself. He wanted to be able to see Rowan and apologize for panicking before Rowan hated him again, if he didn't already.

Deep breath in..

Deep breath out...

---

It took several hours for his body to cooperate, but he finally got dressed and went downstairs. Lorcan was starving. It was just about dinner time. Rowan was in the living room, helping with putting up the Solstice decorations. His mother was making a shepherd's pie. Festive music was playing quietly in the background.

It wasn't unusual for Lorcan to make a first appearance so late in the day. Barb knew Lorcan had problems to work through and his meds made him fatigued. She didn't judge him, thankfully. He helped out when he could.

"Hello, dear. Rowan is in the living room. Dinner will be ready soon."

"Thanks." He used his finger to scoop up some mashed potatoes. She laughed and batted his hand away.

Lorcan moaned as he tasted the potatoes and knew dinner was going to be delicious. It had taken him several weeks before he could eat a full serving for a man his size. He loves food now. Which meant he loved everything Rowan's mother made.

Rowan was bending over, going through a box and Lorcan just stared at his ass. He felt his stomach flutter. He swallowed. Hellas, he wanted Rowan. Why did he have to panic earlier? He had really thought he was ready.

After a deep breath, he sat on the couch and said, "What are you looking for?"

Rowan jumped. "Shit!" He put a hand on his chest. Lorcan chuckled. "I, uh, shit. My heart is going crazy!"

There was a small playful smile on Lorcan's face. "Sorry, I didn't mean to.." His eyes drifted to the floor. Smile fading and Lorcan dropped his head. He took a deep breath. "I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.. to panic." The last word was quiet.

Rowan just knelt in front of him and grabbed his hands. His face was open and understanding.

"I'm sorry for not thinking with my brain. And don't apologize for panicking. Don't ever apologize for that, please. It's not your fault." He brought a hand up to cup Lorcan's cheek. His thumb brushed across his cheekbone.

He nodded, but Rowan could see the self deprecation churning in his thoughts. Rowan just rubbed his thumb over his cheek again.

After a few moments that look faded, Lorcan gestured to the box, "Can I help?"

"Yeah." The smile Lorcan received made his heart skip. They were going to be okay.

___

Thanks for reading! Let me know if you'd like to be tagged.

@thenerdandfandoms @starlightorstarfire @tanvee1231

[lupinsx]

Stay With Me

masterlist

Request: hi!! i really loved your first fic!!😙 i was wondering if you could write one where the reader is a slytherin, and she’s like pretty good friends with draco. she gets an owl one day with some bad news about her family (you can decide what lmao) and she acts like she’s ok at first but she leaves the great hall rly early while draco watches and he goes to help. you can choose how it ends hehe

Pairing: Draco Malfoy x Slytherin!Reader

Summary: Y/N and Draco are the best of friends. When Y/N hears news that will change her life, it’s up to him to help save her from her grief.

Word Count: 1.9k

Warnings: Mentions of death (nothing graphic though).

a/n — Thank you for requesting! I hope I did justice to this prompt lol.

——————————

For a moment, everything was nice.

It was late in the evening, and the Slytherin common room would be deserted if it wasn’t for you and Draco occupying the space. He sat lazily on the mossy coloured couch while you sat next to him horizontally with your legs draped over his lap, your back leaned against the armrest. The closeness between you two was almost second nature, being too overdone for it to be given another thought.

It was comfortable, that’s all. Just normal behaviour between friends.

Or at least, that’s what you say to yourself.

“And that damn bludger almost knocked my head off near the end! It was a miracle I managed to duck on time,” Draco beamed, using hand gestures as he spoke to walk you through the events. Earlier that day, Slytherin won a Quidditch match against Ravenclaw, and Draco couldn’t be more ecstatic. You nodded your head in agreement as you kept your head low, focusing on the essay on your lap which needed to be completed.

With a boastful smile stretched across his face, he continued, “It was an amazing catch! The Ravenclaw seeker got close to the snitch, but I was clearly faster.”

It was silent for a moment as Draco waited for a response. You were too engrossed in the Transfiguration assignment in front of you that you almost forgot he was there, but a hand waved in front of your face brought you back to reality. Putting away the parchment with a sheepish grin, you turned your attention towards him.

“Sorry, I was finishing up my paragraph. But yes, you were amazing out there. I watched the whole thing, remember?”

His face reddened slightly at your praise, but you failed to notice under the dim candlelit lighting. Suddenly, a realization hit you; Christmas break would be approaching very soon. The mere thought warmed you like a nearby fire, and you found yourself getting giddy at the thought.

“Draco! Christmas break is in one more week. Can you believe it?” you asked, eyes wide in excitement like a child receiving candy. He nodded vaguely, unable to show much happiness at the matter.

You found immense joy at the idea of Christmas. While your half-blood and pureblood parents are comparable to a nasty old Grinch, your muggle grandmother makes the holidays entirely bearable. She frequently bakes with you, blasts old Christmas tunes whenever your parents are away, and puts on heartwarming films to enjoy together every night and morning.

These little traditions are practically the only reason you enjoy coming home. Your parents are strong upholders of the snotty rich family stereotype most Slytherins seem to bear, but having someone at your house who loves you for you and not your possible potential makes you extremely grateful.

Unfortunately, your best friend didn’t have that same luck. Draco’s parents are to a similar degree of cruelty as yours, but the lack of comforting adult figures at his house makes him loathe coming home for the break more so than you would.

It was only the prospect of seeing you after it what made him survive throughout the holiday season.

Frowning at his sudden quietness, you grabbed his hand and gave it a small squeeze. Your lips stretched into a comforting smile, not knowing what else to say to ease his mind.

He gave you a reassuring glance in response, and all was quiet for a moment. Merely the delicate crackle coming from the fireplace was heard as you unknowingly kept his hand in yours. After a minute’s time, you pulled your arm back and swung your legs off his lap.

“Come on, let’s go to bed,” you said, dragging him up by his arm. He chuckled at your slight manhandling of him as you picked up your essay and waved goodbye to him. You then headed to the girls dormitory, while he went the opposite way.

That night, memories of candy canes, gingerbread houses, and the Home Alone series occupied your thoughts, leaving you in a blissful dreamland for the remainder of the night.

~~~

The next morning, you found yourself being awoken by the loud shuffling of feet outside your door. Judging by the streams of light pouring through your drapes, you knew it was time to get up.

Your morning routine didn’t take longer than 15 minutes. Once you deemed yourself ready for the day, you headed to the common room, only to see Draco leaning boredly against the portrait hole. Upon seeing you, amusement flickered briefly in his eyes.

“Race you to the Great Hall,” he spoke quickly, breaking out into a sprint before you could even respond. With a small groan and a grin threatening to spread across your mouth, you ran after the platinum haired boy.

Typical Draco, you thought. When will I ever catch a break.

Although his long legs and early exit gave him a lengthy advantage, you managed to catch up to him considerably fast, and you two crashed into the Slytherin table at nearly same time. An airy chuckle escaped his lips as you panted heavily, taking a seat as well as a large gulp of water. The pair quickly received eyes on them for their abrupt entry, but all stares were disregarded upon the sight of food in front of you.

You licked your lips in delight and swiftly reached for the French toast, ignoring the loud entrance of owls delivering the morning mail. You almost didn’t notice one approach your table, and certainly not when it swooped next to your head, but a small tap on your shoulder redirected your attention to the letter laid in front of you.

Curiously enough, you weren’t even expecting any mail.

“Who’s it from?” asked Draco nonchalantly as he scarfed down his scrambled eggs. You shrugged your shoulders and picked up the letter, impatiently unwrapping it without paying mind to front cover.

Dear Y/N L/N,

I hope you’re currently studying for exams or completing your coursework. Remember, I expect nothing less than Outstandings in every class.

Of course. Typical of mom to start off a letter addressing grades. No ‘Hello my daughter’ or anything.

I’m sending this letter to tell you that your grandmother has passed away. It was inevitable, really. She was getting quite old. But the burial was last Wednesday, so that’s done and over with. Our annual Christmas and New Year’s parties will resume as normal, so don’t you worry. Anyways, resume your studying.

Yours Truly,

Mrs L/N

Grandma… is dead?

Your knuckles gripped tightly onto the paper, your eyes skimming through it again and again to confirm you read it accurately. Eventually, the tears developing prevented you from seeing it clearly, and you simply crumpled up the letter and shoved it in your robe’s pocket.

You were alone now. All alone.

It took a minute for you to digest the information. You sat silently, making no effort to pick up your fork or look up from your lap. You couldn’t believe she was really gone from your life. It seemed like it was almost yesterday when you two were belting out Jingle Bells while icing sugar cookies.

And now, she was gone, just like that.

Standing up from your spot, you looked up to the ceiling to quickly diminish the water in your eyes. Once relatively dried, you faced Draco, who stared up at you with concern lacing his features. He was no longer focused on the meal in front of him, nor the conversations going on around him.

Forcing a small smile on your face, you croaked, “I’m feeling a little full. Just going to get some fresh air.” Without letting him reply, you rushed out of the Great Hall. Your jaw was clenched to prevent you from sobbing immediately as you ran out the doors and towards the Black Lake.

Soon, you found the spot under a tree which you had always claimed to be your own. It had the perfect view of the lake in front, so you often came here to de-stress, study, or simply hang out with Draco. Today, however, it was used as your crying corner, away from the eyes of your peers and noise of people chatting nearby. It was secluded.

And perhaps, that level of isolation was exactly what you needed to break down.

So, you cried. And cried. You sobbed louder than a newborn baby, and produced more tears within a minute than you have done within a year. You were grieving for the only adult figure in your life you ever found solace in.

What felt like hours of misery turned out to be mere minutes, which was soon interrupted by a figure dropping down next to you and pulling you to their chest. Although the puffiness of your eyelids and tears pooling above it blocked your vision, the smell of cedar wood and vanilla made you well aware of Draco’s presence. He cradled your upper body as you cried into his chest, gripping onto his shirt in tight fists.

“Draco, s-she — my grandma, she’s g-gone,” you hiccuped between your words. He didn’t respond, simply brushing the hair from your face and rubbing your back while trying to hush your cries.

It took a long while, but eventually, the tears had ceased and the whimpers were quiet and minimal. You simply took in Draco’s scent as he protectively held you. Upon noticing your silence, he finally broke the silence.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. You don’t deserve this.”

You released a pathetic chuckle, eyes looking empty as you dismiss the last part. “But it still happened. And now, I’m all alone.”

Immediately, Draco pulled you from his chest, keeping you in his arms but now facing him. He stared into your eyes with an unreadable expression and carefully remarked, “You are not alone. I’m here for you. Always.”

His response left you with a small grin tugging on your lips. You felt grateful to have a friend like him in your life, putting up with you no matter the circumstance. But as quickly as the thought came, it was replaced with the looming reality of what’s to come next week. You would have to come home for Christmas and endure constant neglect and judgement from your parents. Fear washed over your face in an instant as your eyebrows furrowed in worry.

Noticing the change of expression, he moved his hand to your jaw to hold the side of your face. “Hey, hey, what’s the matter now love?”

“I’m gonna have to come home for Christmas,” you spoke with quivering lips and a shaky tone. Tears threatened to spill from your eyes once more, but Draco caught each one and wiped them from your cheek with delicate strokes of his finger.

“No, Y/N, you won’t. Not this year, at least. You can come with me to my house, or I can stay with you at Hogwarts. Either way, I am not leaving you alone.”

“Y-you’ll stay with me?” you asked tentatively. You and him both knew how much you needed him at a time like this, but his understanding without your spoken words left you feeling a certain type of admiration for the boy.

Just as you did yesterday, Draco squeezed your hand in a reassuring manner before mumbling, “Of course I will.”

He then left a gentle kiss on your forehead, spreading warmth to every corner of your body. “I promise, Y/N. I won’t leave you. Not now, not later, not ever. I will always stick by your side.”

——————————

a/n — I had lots of fun writing this, despite it currently being an ungodly hour. Thank you again for requesting and let me know what you think!