#name dropped de Botton like a nerd lol

[cappymightwrite]

omg it's hilarious that you're a 'Ben Barnes thirst confesional booth™'!

you're really eloquent about it so it's no wonder that we come here to confess our sins

I read something on reddit a bit ago, a user saying how it look like Ben would be the perfect boyfriend, and another one replying that they weren't very sure about that, because the fact that he's 39yo and it seems that he has never been in a serious relationship is a big red flag, and it never had crossed my mind to think something like that.

what are your thoughts about it?

Lmao I just added "Ben Barnes thirst confesional booth™" to my bio because I genuinely really enjoy these asks! 😅 Also thanks! I think just through doing some self reflection whilst in lockdown I've really come understand what I find attractive in others and on a deeper level, what I value in them and in myself too — it's been a fun and very illuminating journey!

But onto your question... um 🤨 I think that person who made a comment about "red flags" is talking utter crap, frankly 🙄 Ok, I went OFF here just a bit, so this goes under the cut!

First of all, I don't know anything about his romantic life, nor do I especially wish to (because it's none of my business), but the impression I get is that he's pretty private so who the hell knows what his longest and/or most serious relationship has been! None of these people speculating about him know him, we know but a fraction of that man, and what we do know is someone who is very personable, intelligent, sweet and funny. At least that's my impression, and all of those things are qualities I'd value immensely in a romantic partner — and that's excluding his astounding handsomeness!

But really, even if the case is that he has never been in a "serious" relationship, whatever that implies, it has no bearing on him as a person who is worthy and deserving of love and respect. No one's experiences with relationships are universal — some people fall into them very easily, some people want something serious but take a while to find it, some people don't want anything at all, etc. Dating and connecting romantically with people isn't always as straightforward as the movies suggest. Life has its ebbs and flows, and you don't have to have "made it" romantically by the time you're 30, or 40, or 50, or whatever. There is no "making it", there's just life.

But more than that, just because you aren't currently "seriously" romantically attached to someone, haven't been for a while, or indeed never have been, doesn't mean you are failing at life (if that's something you do indeed want). It certainly doesn't make you a "red flag". That is such a limited, shallow, hurtful way to regard things.

Honestly, I think whoever replied with that "red flag" thing is probably someone who consciously, or subconsciously, ascribes a lot of social value to being in a relationship, especially a long term one. For me, I think the older you get, the more you realise that people aren't and shouldn't be wholly defined by their "success" at romantic relationships. Personally, I think there is a lot to be said for self reliance, for knowing who you are as an individual, as an independent person, and I think that gets pushed aside quite a bit in the way we think about people's "worth" as adults, or even actively avoided by some people.

So, I agree with you in that it has never crossed my mind to judge Ben like that, because I don't know him, and more than that, it's not my place to judge him or psychoanalyse the reasons behind his presumed single status. Not to sound pouncy, but I've been reading a book by the philosopher Alain de Botton, called Essays in Love, and I can't remember if he says it in there, or elsewhere, but somewhere he made a comment about opening yourself up to being "imaginative" about why people are the way they are. Because for ourselves, there may be plenty of nuanced reasons why certain things did or didn't work out for us, why we did or didn't pursue one thing or another at any given time. So surely we should extend that same understanding, that same flexibility of thought to other people?

So yeah, I think that particular redditor quite possibly doesn't realise that their "red flag" take isn't the deep read they think it is. If anything, it's the opposite. But to conclude...

If I was talking to Ben right now, first of all I'd say 😳😬 dear god don't look at my blog or read any of my tags on your gifsets lmao 😂😅 but then I would say (if it was a worry for him)... being worthy and deserving of romantic love, respect, and understanding doesn't have an age limit. Stay lovely and just do you bby, no presh, no rush ❤️x

Thanks for the ask!