#nam yoon su im suing for emotional damage due to your acting

[shinjiikar1]

due to... one billion personal reasons it took me a long time to get to these episodes, and they were probably the hardest to watch for me (for also one billion personal reasons)

I really don't know that I have as coherent a thesis this week, I'm just kind of in misery, but I'll write out my thoughts and we'll see where it goes. (Also despite having it no i still haven't read the book, I'm waiting till I'm done the show, which I may regret lol)

Gyu-ho and Go Young are such different people, they have such different worldviews and struggle to see the world through each other's eyes.

The moment for me that exemplified their whole relationship was after Gyu-ho moved in. Gyu-ho claims Go Young could never understand how he's never had anything of his own, being tied down by his family all his life, and now not even being in his own space. Go Young's reply is silence (and a smile, of course). While Gyu-ho has never had anything of his own, Go Young has never had anyone. His father is long-gone, his mother now too, as it seems is his extended family. He lost Mi Ae to someone else, and his love life... Gyu-ho's family isn't perfect, in fact they're difficult from what we see, but he can always go back. He has Gyu-ho for a while, but he never really lets himself be had, they're so close, orbiting around each other but they just can't quite get there in the end.

I really just cannot get over how scared he is to let anyone in. Every attempt he's made to let people really get to know him has ended in failure and at this point he can't conceptualize letting anyone in. He can't think of himself as deserving of it and it's so incredibly painful to watch. Gyu-ho tries, he makes an effort to break into Go Young's life. He holds his hand in public, he waits for him, he barges into his home. Like that hole in the clouds he's shoving his way in, and to his credit Go Young tries to let him in. Ultimately, however, he feels the waves catching up to him, he's lived so long in shame and guilt and fear, he can't swim out, and Gyu-ho can't pull him back to shore on his own. It's exhausting for both of them.

I really appreciated @lurkingshan's post about Why their relationship falls apart and her discussion about Go Young's very real fears about how his status is affecting this person he loves and cares for deeply. He can't let himself be the person to drag Gyu-ho down. I really resonated with Go Young here, I'm not interested in detailing my own situation, but I very much understand feeling like you're holding someone back because of an illness. It's a completely miserable feeling, even if the other person insists its fine, you know on some level, that they might be happier without you and how can you deny them that? Go Young thinks he's been too greedy, he's wanted too much. He's not willing to be that selfish (whether or not this is actually selfish behaviour isn't really the point here, he believes it is). He will be the one to make the sacrifice to Gyu-ho doesn't have to, he won't even tell him the real reason because he knows there's no way Gyu-ho would go without him if he was honest about it, he has to push him away first. It's not an entirely selfless decision, I think he's also trying to spare himself the hurt and resentment that might build if Gyu-ho doesn't get to go, but ultimately it's because he loves him so much. I wish he could have said it.