#nah that is some of the SICKEST shit he has EVER said

[districtsleepsalonetonight]

You don’t need me anymore.

Yeah. Maybe you’re right.

-Original script for Supernatural S15EP03: The Rupture

So the fight/breakup between Dean and Cas in The Rupture was originally EVEN WORSE.

Yeah. Maybe you’re right.

DEAN WINCHESTER, I AM LIVING IN YOUR FUCKING WALLS.

[unityghost]

Instinct

Part 17 of Post-Asmodeus Sabriel Feels. Shelly, one of my readers over on Archive, made the following request:

I was thinking Gabriel has a nightmare one night, only in the nightmare it's Sam doing the torture in Asmodeus' place, and when Sam tries to comfort him after Gabriel is afraid to be around him and it takes the combined work of Dean and Castiel to resolve things between them.

Thank you for the suggestion, Shelly!

In addition, I asked on here what people would like to see more of in my work. The results:

Some more bonding between Cas and Gabe would be cool @mcjouska14

ooooooo I second the Cas and Gabe thing! @letbuckyeathisgoddamnplums

And finally, this turned up in a review over on fanfiction.net, from willows dancing in the wind:

I'd like to see a little brotherly bonding between Gabe and Castiel, or maybe something between Gabriel and Jack.

I hope this delivers.

Gabriel couldn’t have said what set the dream off. He and Sam - and anyone else, for that matter - hadn’t discussed either the angel blade or the archangel blade in over a week.

Nothing like this had harassed Gabriel until tonight.

He woke with his mouth already full of vomit, which spilled over the pillow, the blankets, the floor, and himself. He heard himself retching, a gruesome orchestra of terror that he knew would rouse everyone in the bunker.

The first voice was not the one he’d expected.

“Uncle Gabriel? Uncle Gabriel!”

Son of a bitch, thought Gabriel. Jack would never be able to force this image out of his head.

The light switched on. Sputtering and gasping as he sat up and hunched over the bedspread, Gabriel felt Jack lay a hand on his back, something he’d probably seen Sam do. “What’s happening, Uncle Gabriel? What’s wrong?”

When Gabriel tried to respond, all that came out was more vomit.

“Wait - ” Jack left him for a moment, then helped him hold the trash can in his lap. “You forgot about this. It was right next to your bed. Did you already know you were sick?”

Gabriel retched again, but nothing came up.

Jack put a hand on his forehead. “You don’t have a fever.”

Gabriel struggled to catch his breath. “Go back to bed before you start having nightmares too.”

“You don’t have to worry about that, Uncle Gabe; I can’t have nightmares while I’m awake. What did you dream about?”

“Stuff. Go away, you’re too young to watch this.”

Jack sat down next to him, unperturbed by the mess, and met his gaze. “No I’m not. I’ve seen how people act in war. When they lose their friends and family. When they’re hurt. This isn’t that different, and I feel the same way about it. I’m not scared: all I want is to help.”

The earnestness in his face was so far from the violence of Gabriel’s nightmare that, for a second, Gabriel almost felt safe.

“Should I get Sam for you?” Jack asked.

Gabriel’s breath caught. “I don’t - ”

“Gabriel!”

Gabriel froze as Sam hurried into the bedroom and surveyed the scene with wide eyes. “Holy crap, what’s wrong? Jack, what is this, what happened to him?”

“He’s sick,” Jack explained. “I think it was a bad dream.”

“Gabriel?” Sam put his hands on either side of Gabriel’s face, trying to make eye contact. “Hey, Gabriel, tell me what’s going on.”

Jack furrowed his brow. “He talked to me. Here, I can try again. Let go, Sam.”

Reluctantly, Sam withdrew.

Jack spoke softly. “Uncle Gabriel, Sam wants to help. You should let him help.”

Gabriel looked at Jack, then at Sam. “Sam - Sam, can you - I need - ”

Suddenly feeling cornered with the two of them so close, he tried to climb off the bed.

Jack pushed him back down. “Tell us what you need and we’ll get it.”

Gabriel clenched his fists in his lap. “My brother. I need my brother.”

“Let me find him then. Hold on and he’ll be right in, okay?”

“No, no - Jack, don’t - Sam, can you get Castiel? Please?”

Jack looked surprised and Sam disconcerted. “Gabriel …”

“Please!”

Alarm flickered over Sam's face. “Okay. It’s okay. Wait right here.”

As Sam left, Jack frowned at Gabriel. “Why are you afraid of Sam?”

Gabriel didn’t answer.

Jack offered his hand, palm up. “He told me you like this.”

Gabriel stared down at Jack’s hand for a moment, then accepted it and allowed Jack to hold it in a gentle grip.

Castiel entered the bedroom. His eyes fell upon Gabriel, drenched in his own vomit and holding Jack’s hand.

Cas didn’t appear surprised. “Gabriel, come with me. We’d better get you cleaned up before anything else.”

Gabriel removed his hand from Jack’s. Jack went to help him stand, but Gabriel said, “Nah, stop. Don’t want you getting all muddied up too.” He tried to smile. “I appreciate it, little guy.”

Castiel waited for him to reach the door. “Do you need help getting to the shower?”

Gabriel shook his head, too humiliated to offer any response.

“Let me get you a change of clothes. You’ll feel better once you’re not soaked in bodily fluids. I’ll wait outside in case you need anything.”

“All right,” Gabriel muttered, avoiding Castiel’s eyes.

Some fifteen minutes after that, Gabriel found that his brother had been right: cleaning himself off and changing out of his soiled pajamas proved soothing. They moved to Castiel’s room, which was such a far cry from Gabriel’s it was almost laughable: the carefully made bed, rarely slept in; the clean floor, hardly ever stepped on; the nightstand, bare and dustless.

“Sam tells me you didn’t want him near you,” Castiel remarked as they sat down together.

Gabriel nodded, staring at his knees.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Gabriel plucked at a piece of lint stuck to his shirt. “I don’t know. It was pretty screwed up.”

“Then what would help you?”

Gabriel shrugged. “Probably nothing.”

Before Castiel could reply, there was a gentle knock on the doorframe. Gabriel was surprised to see who it was.

“Can I crash the party?” asked Dean.

Gabriel gave a grim smile. “Looks like I’m everybody’s favorite guest of honor.”

Dean sat at the foot of the bed. “No Sam tonight, huh?”

Gabriel turned away.

“When I saw you guys coming in here without him,” said Dean, “I figured maybe two pairs of hands were better than one.”

“You mean you thought Cas could use some backup. Well, you’re probably not wrong, Dean-o. Who's to say what kind of havoc I might wreak to scar my baby brother tonight?”

“Come on Gabe, go easy on yourself.”

“Pfft. Anyway … did Sam tell you?”

“That you voted him off the island? Yeah. But honestly, I don’t think he was that surprised. Said it looks like you had a bad dream about him.”

Gabriel gave a noncommittal grunt.

“I mean,” Dean went on, “His maternal instincts are screaming bloody murder right now, but he understands why you need some space.”

Castiel laid a hand on Gabriel’s shoulder. “And what would you like from us?”

Gabriel kept his eyes on the floor, wishing he could provide a solution.

After a few moments, he said, “I feel bad the kid got a front-row seat.”

Castiel frowned. “Gabriel, Jack is - ”

“I know, I know, he’s fine. He’s seen a crap-ton of death and destruction courtesy of my interdimensional douchebucket of a brother. All the more reason to spare him any superfluous freakshows.”

Cas gave Gabriel a worried look but didn’t say anything else.

Another pause, and then Gabriel spoke once more. “We talked about the blades. Sam and me. Did he send out a memo?”

Dean and Castiel exchanged a glance.

“He did suggest keeping a closer eye on you,” Cas admitted.

“Yeah, it didn’t take much brain power to read between the lines,” Dean added.

Gabriel bit his lip. “I’m trying. I - I get stuck. I get trapped. But I’m pushing and shoving myself as hard as I can.”

“We know,” Castiel assured him.

“I confessed to all these stupid thoughts because I know if something happened, he’d stew in guilt until he pickled himself. So I let him know, and it didn’t come back to haunt me until now, right now, tonight - and Sam was - he - ”

“No no no no, hey,” Dean interjected. “Slow yourself down before I have an aneurysm just looking at you.”

Gabriel drew a deep breath, trying to edge himself away from the nightmare.

“You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to,” Castiel said softly.

Gabriel closed his eyes. The image rushed up to greet him again, an assault drenched in blood and in screams for mercy - screams that were cut off when Sam raised the archangel blade, so that Gabriel saw only the chilly glint of silver.

“I don’t want to,” Gabriel said, voice shaking. “You’re right. I’m sorry guys, I can’t.”

“It’s okay,” said Castiel.

“I would tell Sam. But it’s different when he’s not here. When he’s the - the one who - but this almost never happens. Why now? Why this bad? I don’t understand.”

“Because he matters to you,” Cas replied. “Because what he’s given you is just the sort of thing Asmodeus would have used as a weapon.”

“Yeah,” said Dean, “It’s not exactly a shock that your own mind would throw around the sickest fairy tale it could come up with. But listen, I’m sure after a little time to get back to reality, Sam’s gonna seem like good old Sam again.” When Gabriel didn’t respond, Dean patted him on the shoulder. “It’s okay, Gabe. Come on, you gotta tell yourself that. A hundred times if it doesn’t work the first ninety-nine.”

Gabriel’s throat closed up. “Probably a hundred and one since he just shoved the archangel blade down my gullet.”

There was stunned silence.

Finally, Castiel said, “Even by yourstands that’s pretty bad.”

Dean shook his head slowly. “My brother would never - ”

“I know,” Gabriel hissed. “Shit, I know. I know as well as either of you. And frankly I would be more confident in my knowledge if I hadn’t seen him turn into Mr. Hyde right here in the bunker. In his room. On his bed. Which has never been anything but a place to get help, and - ” Gabriel squeezed his eyes shut, lowering his face to his palm. “Now it’s not.”

“Oh, no, no - Gabriel, no.” Castiel’s took his hand. Sam must have taught him, as well as Jack, the art of keeping Gabriel sane. “Have you forgotten the dreams about me attacking you? And you’ve grown more at ease in my company, Gabriel, not less. I know it’s taken you some time, but if you can move past fearing me, you can hold onto your trust in Sam.” Castiel squeezed Gabriel's fingers. “I think this was inevitably going to come up for you - although I certainly wish it hadn’t - and of course it’s nothing short of traumatic. But please, don’t think of it as a barrier to what you have with Sam. This is only a moment’s interruption. The fallout isn’t going to take him away from you.”

“I agree with Cas,” said Dean. “No way is this gonna leave a dent in what you two have going. Hey man, even I’ve had a dream or two about Sam to wrangle with, and in the long run, nothing changes.”

“That’s probably true,” Gabriel murmured. “If anything’s going to stop me hounding him, it’ll be me doing something to screw him over.”

“You’re wrong,” Castiel replied at once. “The only thing that could ruin your relationship would be you tearing yourself out of it. And at this stage, you have the wisdom and resilience not to.”

Gabriel considered his brother’s words. To some degree, they were correct: Gabriel had learned to believe in Sam’s loyalty, because there was virtually no reason to question it - save for a short while ago when Sam insisted that his help would only make Gabriel worse. But Sam had made it clear that he doubted himself, not Gabriel.

“I have an idea,” said Dean, breaking Gabriel's chain of thought. “I could go get Sam right now, and you could see he’s exactly who he was before you went to bed. It’ll be easier if you do that now, when we’re here to back you up.”

“No!” Gabriel shrieked. It was instinct - an unconscious refusal to give in to a threat. He could still see the steadiness of Sam’s eyes as he pinned Gabriel to the bed. Could still taste the blood torn from his throat as he howled - I don’t want this, I don’t, please stop, I need your help, I need help - and the blood in his throat was a grotesque appetizer to the blood that rose up as Sam shoved the blade into Gabriel’s open mouth and clogged his voice, his breathing, his hope that Sam might listen to him.

“That’s it buddy, you’re okay.” Dean’s voice registered from somewhere far off. “Cas is getting you some water and a bucket. Just keep breathing and try to come back to us.”

Gabriel knew his vision wasn’t real, recognized it as only a dream, understood that he was safe in the bunker. He wasn’t torn between the picture that haunted him and the weight of Dean’s hand on his shoulder. He knew which was happening; and he knew which one had not happened, and never would.

Yet somehow he was still swallowed up by the dream. He lost handfuls of seconds as he sat there, feeling the warmth of Dean’s hand on his shoulder, watching as a bucket was placed in his lap, allowing cold water to dribble down his chin when Castiel tried to make him drink it.

“What should we do?” he heard Dean ask.

“I don’t know. I think we may simply have to let him come out of it on his own.”

Gabriel blinked. No. No, he didn’t want to make them wait all night.

Gabriel looked at his brother, who didn’t seem quite solid, as if he were part of the dream too.

“Gabriel?” Castiel said quietly.

Gabriel tried to focus on him. Then he managed to croak, “I don’t need this,” and put the bucket on the floor.

Gabriel pulled a slow, deep breath. “Oh, wow. Crap, I - I’m sorry guys. ”

“Don’t,” said Dean, maintaining his grip on Gabriel’s shoulder. “Cas, give him some water.”

This time, Gabriel held the glass himself and took a sip. He hadn’t realized until then how thirsty he was. The moisture made it easier to speak. “I get that this is crazy. Sam wouldn’t hurt me. I asked him to once, and it freaked him out.” Gabriel took another careful swallow. “Man, the look on his face. It was like he was watching his first Alfred Hitchcock. Thinking he could ever behave like Asmodeus … it isn’t fair to him.”

“You should tell him that,” Castiel said in a gentle voice.

Gabriel’s heartbeat - his stupid, petulant, graceless heartbeat - picked up at the notion of seeing Sam.

Dean seemed to realize what Gabriel was thinking. “Not by yourself, Gabe.”

“Although,” Castiel added, “You’re under no obligation. So if you’re not ready - ”

“I’m not,” said Gabriel. “But you’re wrong. I do have an obligation.”

Castiel touched Gabriel’s knee as Dean left. “Gabriel.”

Gabriel hugged himself and shivered.

“Everything is okay,” Cas told him, voice quiet.

All Gabriel could do was swallow down a fresh wave of nausea.

When Dean returned with Sam in tow, they weren’t alone.

Jack didn’t say anything, just peered at Gabriel with worry in his eyes. Gabriel wished he hadn’t come. Jack didn’t need to be subjected to any more of this.

Gabriel looked past him to Sam, and his heart jolted again. Sam looked uncertain, as though he couldn’t figure out what to say.

“It’s all right,” Castiel murmured. “It’s all right, Gabriel.”

Sam tried to smile. “How’re you feeling?”

Gabriel began to tremble.

“Should I tell him to leave?” Castiel asked in a voice low enough that only Gabriel could hear.

Gabriel laid his head face-down on Castiel’s shoulder.

Dean sighed. “Sam, it looks like - ”

“No.” Gabriel sat back up and turned around. “None of this is your fault, Sam. I’m only afraid because fear is pretty much all I can remember how to do. If I don’t give you a chance I’ll just hurt the both of us. You know what tricks those dreams pull on me. This is hardly my first showdown with Winchesters and co. wielding a blade. It’s just - it’s different, because it was you and I know you’d never do it. Not that any of you would, but - Sam, I don’t always know; I can never be sure. Except with you.”

Sam made an attempt to smile again, but this time it didn’t work.

“I can’t just throw you away when I know you’re exactly the same as you’ve always been,” Gabriel told him. “I’ve got to see that. I can’t avoid you because then my mind will start making you look different.”

Tentatively, Gabriel pushed himself up from the bed. Castiel followed suit, watching to make sure he didn’t stumble.

Gabriel approached Sam, still shaking, still nauseated, and stopped when they were a few feet apart.

Gabriel could only imagine what he looked like just then, because he saw, even through the unexpected (and entirely unwelcome) prickle of tears, the astonishment that fell over Sam’s face.

“Gabriel.” Sam took a step backwards. “You don’t have to. Not right now. I understand; I know what it’s like. Don’t push yourself if you’re not ready.”

Gabriel swallowed against the tightness in his throat and shook his head. “No, Sam, you - you’re the only one who can - ” But Gabriel couldn’t finish, not when his mind was busy trying to disentangle the fear from the hunger, the ache, the mourning sawing at his conscience.

“No,” he rasped, “This is stupid. If I don’t talk to you then I’ll get worse. Because you know how much I count on you to help me stay together. I shove you away, I’m gonna destroy myself. Or what’s left of me, anyway.”

Sam looked hesitant.

Gabriel retreated to the bed. "Come over here, Sam. Please."

When Sam remained still, Castiel spoke up. “I think Gabriel’s right. Let him try to fix this if that’s what he wants.”

Sam inched towards the bed and sat several inches away from Gabriel, so that he was at risk of falling off the foot of the mattress. Even given this distance, a new wave of dread thickened Gabriel’s veins. All he could do was keep himself talking, communicating - if he stopped, he wouldn’t have the courage to try again. “Did Dean tell you about it?”

Sam nodded. “Can’t say I blame you for running to someone else.”

“I don’t want anyone else.” Gabriel didn’t even have to think about his response. It surprised him; and yet, he realized, there was no reason to be taken off guard by something so natural. It was simply how things were, and for a moment Gabriel wondered how his feelings about Sam could have been interrupted just by a bad dream.

But still, there was the tickle of adrenaline that he simply couldn’t ignore.

“You know what sucks?” Gabriel said to no one in particular. “Asmodeus won’t even let me have this.”

Sam frowned. “Have what?”

“Have you! Look at me, he’s taking you away from me!”

Horror broke over Sam’s face. “No he isn’t. He’s not, Gabriel. I wouldn’t let him do that.”

Gabriel shook his head. When he spoke, his voice was strangled. “He’s more powerful than you are, Sam.”

“Really?” It didn’t sound like a serious question. “You talk about him like he’s still around. I’m alive, Gabriel. That makes me a million times stronger than he is.”

“And in any case,” added Castiel, “Your own mind can do more than Asmodeus ever could. If you don’t let him violate your relationship with Sam - ”

“Stop right there, sensei,” Gabriel interrupted. “I would love to share your faith in pithy optimism, but I’m the poster child for the fragility of even the holiest mind. I tried, Castiel. I held out for a long time before letting Asmodeus take the wheel. And you know why I let him?” Gabriel gave Cas a second to respond before continuing. “Because who wants to be at the helm while they’re getting mutilated and beaten? And the longer I held on, the harder he pushed for me to let go. I don't know what it would've been like for you, but in my case pushing back was too much.”

“Gabriel, I only meant - ”

“There’s a time and place for encouragement, Castiel, and this situation clearly demands common sense. Be realistic.” Gabriel could feel his face flushing, his heart speeding up. “After all these months since I got out, how could you possibly, ever, even suspect that I have any control over my own mind? What the hell is going on in yours?"

“Whoa, hey, buddy, calm down.” Dean moved forward and reached out to him, but Gabriel jumped up from the bed and backed away. Sam got to his feet too, watching Gabriel but not moving.

“Sure,” Gabriel barreled on, “I was weak because I had to be. The only logical next step after all that fighting, all that pulling myself back together once he was finished dragging my grace out of me the same way he dragged me across the floor and bloodied me up if I so much as coughed too loudly, was to stop fighting. One less battle I had to wage. But here I am now, trying just as hard as I did before that, maybe harder, and I’m bouncing back like an elephant in the Mississippi. In fact, I’m starting to think maybe I have less control than I did when I was with Asmodeus. I’ve been rubbed raw. Whatever pre-Hell padding I had in my conscience is long gone. And if the way things are going now is any indication, it isn’t going to grow back.”

Jack stepped forward, eyes wide. “Uncle Gabe - ”

“No - kid - ” Gabriel gritted his teeth. “Whose idea was it to bring you in here? Why did you bring him in here?” he shot at Dean. “He shouldn’t be allowed to watch this, any of this; he’s a baby!”

Then and there, Gabriel froze, listening to the echo of the words inside his head.

“He’s a baby,” Gabriel repeated, and dissolved into a fit of sobbing.

There was a startled hush. It seemed that no one knew how to respond.

Then Gabriel heard Sam ask softly, “Gabriel, what should we do? Which one of us do you want?”

Gabriel didn’t answer - simply stood in place, near the middle of the room, feeling every set of eyes upon him. Somewhere, knotted in with everything else, he registered embarrassment. But the signal was faint and thready.

Mostly, there was just instinct.

“Sam,” Gabriel choked out, “I - ”

Sam kept his eyes locked on Gabriel, afraid of making things worse.

“Sam,” Gabriel whimpered, “Help me.”

Sam waited a second, making sure that Gabriel wouldn’t change his mind. Then he said, “Okay.”

Sam tried to lay a hand on Gabriel’s shoulder but Gabriel leaned forward and seized him in a frantic, terrified embrace.

“Sam?” Castiel’s voice.

Sam tightened his grip. “I got it, Cas.”

Gabriel heard everyone shuffle towards the exit, then the click of the door.

“Gabriel,” Sam murmured.

The sound of his own name was enough to turn Gabriel’s stomach.

“Gabriel, why don’t you come with me? Lie down for a sec.”

He let Sam pull away and followed him into the hall. Gabriel tripped, only now seeing how exhausted he was from sickness, rage, and fear.

Sam helped to steady him with an arm around his waist. “You’re okay. Easy does it; you’re okay.”

Gabriel expected to return to his own bed - his sweaty, vomit-soaked bed - but instead was brought to Sam’s room.

“You gonna be okay in here, Gabriel?” asked Sam. “We can go somewhere else.”

“No,” croaked Gabriel.

“No, you want to leave? Or no, you want to stay?”

“I want to stay.”

He let Sam guide him to the bed. After Gabriel was settled, Sam sat down too, once again leaving a wide gap between them.

“It’s okay,” Sam said softly. “You’re safe in here. You’re safe with me.”

Feeling marginally less panicked now, Gabriel looked down at the rumpled sheets. His voice trembled when he spoke. “Sorry for the - the nasty wake-up call. I would’ve been quieter if I could.” He glanced at the clock on Sam’s nightstand. Just after 4:30 A.M. “Son of a - ”

“No, no, it’s fine; I probably wouldn’t have slept for much longer anyway. Anyway, morning’ll be here soon and you’ll feel better.”

“I just hope I’m not like this all day.”

“You’ll try. That’s what counts.”

Gabriel scoffed. “Oh, sure. If the chemo doesn’t work, welp, then at least we tried to get rid of the cancer. Who doesn’t want that on their headstone, right? ‘The tumor killed me, but A for effort.’”

Sam gave him a small smile. "I heard what you said back there. About being in Hell. That you did what you could and it never helped. Listen, I know better than anyone. Lucifer … he stayed with me for a long time after I got out. No matter how hard I fought, he stuck around. And he had control. There was nothing I could do.” Sam's expression was earnest now. “But you know what Cas was trying to get across. That you have a choice. Maybe you didn’t then, but even if Asmodeus is still in your head, Gabriel - he isn’t here. You can’t decide to just ignore him because that’s not how any of this works. But technically, since he’s gone, and we’re not, and you’re out … you’re the one with the final say.”

Gabriel kept his gaze on the floor.

“And Jack …”

Gabriel snapped his head up.

“Don’t worry about Jack,” Sam went on. “None of us made him do anything. Even if we’d tried, the kid doesn’t give up easy. He wanted to see you. He wanted to help.”

“But Sam, he’s - ”

“He’s not a baby, Gabriel. Not anymore.”

Gabriel swallowed. “I just … I can’t …”

“What is it?” Sam looked puzzled. “What’s bothering you so much about Jack?”

Gabriel drew a shaky breath, coughed on it, and tried again. “With him - with Asmodeus - I’ve never felt like so much of a little kid, Sam. Not even when I was little. I was helpless. Always begging, always screaming … ‘I want my brothers; I want my father; I’m cold, I want a blanket’ …” He covered his face, long past being irritated with himself. “If Jack is going to be forced to throw away his innocence, I don’t want to watch. And I definitely don’t want to be a part of it.”

“Gabriel.” Sam squeezed his shoulder. “Jack isn’t naive. That’s not the same as being innocent.”

Gabriel shook his head, unable to speak.

“I know it isn’t fair,” Sam said quietly. “But Jack is okay. Trust me, we’re making sure of that.” He let go. “Now listen - you need to at least try and get some rest. One of us can stay with you.”

This time Gabriel forced himself to answer. “Vetoed. My bed is a cesspool of shame, and if I have one more nightmare I’ll forget how to sleep altogether. You, on the other hand - ”

“I’ll go back to sleep,” Sam agreed, “But first I want to bring you over to Cas.” He stood up and offered a hand to assist Gabriel, who accepted.

Neither of them said anything as they left the room. Gabriel wanted to reach out to him, to plead with him not to leave.

They found Castiel in Gabriel’s room, helping Dean dress the bed in fresh sheets.

Gabriel cringed. “I hope you’re getting paid overtime.”

“Gabriel,” Castiel said, “I put on some coffee if you still don’t want to sleep.”

“I’d take coffee over a mouthful of my own blood any day.”

Sam winced.

“You can go back to bed,” Castiel told Sam. “Dean, you too. I’ll take things from here.”

“Where’s Jack?” asked Gabriel.

“Out like a light,” Dean replied. “I think he was still awake when he heard you. Says he has more trouble sleeping without his grace for some reason.”

Gabriel looked away. “Sometimes I forget he’s lost all his power too.”

“Neither of you has lost your power,” Castiel corrected. “You’ve lost your grace. There are other kinds of power.”

Gabriel raised his eyebrows. “We had this discussion. I remember because I got an F on my report card.”

“Gabriel,” said Sam, “Will you be okay with Cas?”

There was worry in Sam’s eyes - enough that the dream seemed significantly more distant than it had when Gabriel was still refusing Sam’s company. “Yeah.”

“I’ll be up in a little while.”

“Don’t worry, Sam. Get as much sleep as you need. Thanks for … you know. Thanks. And sorry.”

Sam smiled. “Could’ve done without either of those.”

When Sam was gone, Dean stretched. "All good here, you two?"

“We’ll be in the kitchen,” Cas replied.

“Dean,” said Gabriel, “That was nice of you.”

“Oh yeah, there were sheets in the closet; no big - ”

“Jesus Christ, I’m not talking about the sheets. Go back to bed.” He followed Castiel out of the room.

In the kitchen, Castiel poured coffee for each of them. Gabriel wasn’t really interested in drinking it, but the aroma - which called up no memories of his time in Hell - was comforting.

“Cas,” said Gabriel as Castiel set the mug in front of him, “I wasn’t trying to make the point that Sam is the only one who knows how to help.”

Castiel frowned. "What?"

“When I said I knew Sam wouldn’t hurt me. I didn’t mean that I thought you would. You’ve all done your part; I just - you know, Sam was there when I got out, when I still didn’t know if I’d really left, or if someone had plans to punish me for leaving. He woke me up a little. Coming to check on me so much, and then not hitting me or laughing at me …” Gabriel lifted the cup of coffee, assessing whether he felt well enough to drink it, and decided he did. The taste was lively and crisp. “I was scared, Castiel. And I was scared for days after the battle with Michael was over. Sam was the only thing I could manage to come back to whenever I lost my focus. He was always the least likely to be part of that awful feeling I get.”

Castiel furrowed his brow. “You thought that I would take your preference for Sam as some kind of personal affront?”

“I don’t want you to feel like I don’t appreciate you guys too - you, and Dean, and even little Aaron Carter there. I just hope you get why I autopilot to Sam.”

“Of course I do. All of us do. What I don’t understand is why you keep insisting on how burdensome you are when we only want to help you improve. Everything you went through, and what he did to you - not one of us would expect you to move on independently.”

Gabriel rested his chin in his palm. “That’s not what you said when it was time to face Michael.”

Castiel fidgeted and looked down into his mug of coffee, which he hadn’t touched. “We … felt there was no other choice. Or at least I did. A desperate man will grab onto anything to keep from falling further.” He looked up, eyes pleading. “None of us were in a position to prioritize compassion. But that doesn’t mean we made assumptions about whether you’d truly healed. We gave it almost no thought until the worst was over. You were there, a potential part of the solution, and … and there was little time to negotiate our options.” Castiel shook his head. “I don’t like it, Gabriel. None of us do. But even now, I can’t think of an immediate alternative.”

“I’m not upset with you over it,” Gabriel told him. “Frankly, I’ve got bigger fish to fry. But I hope I’m not just part of your toolbox, you know? Kinda want to be more than that.” He sipped his coffee. “I’m not sure if I’ll ever be useful again. But Sam tried so hard to make me believe that doesn’t hold as much weight as I think it does.”

Castiel looked crestfallen. “Listen to him.”

“And once I get stronger - if I get stronger - ”

“Then we’ll be glad. Not for us, but for you.”

Gabriel smiled. “Got your bachelor’s in psych from Winchester University, huh?”

“They’re good people. No matter how much you dream about them hurting you, they’ll always be good people.”

“Same applies to you, little brother.”

“Well, I don’t know that I’m quite as good as they are.”

“Oh come on, you can share their goodness without partaking of their self-deprecation. Crummy confidence isn’t a prerequisite for moral integrity.”

“Neither is giving advice that you won’t take.”

Gabriel narrowed his eyes. “You look smug.”

“I don’t suppose you’d care for any breakfast,” Castiel replied, disregarding the accusation. “I know you were feeling sick earlier, but eating something may help settle your stomach.”

“Not yet. Just coffee for now.”

“Then we can wait. But eventually.”

Gabriel put the coffee aside, feeling the early sting of a headache. He rested his head on the table and sighed.

“Would you prefer to lie down?” Castiel asked.

“I’m all right. Need a minute.”

But immediately, despite his best efforts, Gabriel began to drift off.

He heard voices as he crept into sleep, felt the warmth of someone else beside him.

“Gabriel?”

Gabriel was too far gone to answer. But he felt a familiar hand on his back, too gentle to be the same one he’d tried to fight off in his nightmare. Maybe it was simply the beginning of a different dream.

Gabriel could only hope that this one had a better ending.

[surveystodestressme]

85.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 22

2001. Can you believe that we have only gotten through two fifths of this survey so far? i believe it 2002. What is your opinion of Dave Coulier? i have no idea who that is 2003. If you were to a write a Choose Your Own Adventure book, what would it be about? horror 2004. What was your best find from a flea market, garage sale, ebay or thrift store? huh? 2005. What do you not have enough money for right now? a new car

2006. Do you believe that Teras for Fears were right when they said, “Everybody wants to rule the world?” eh 2007. What is the design on your beach towel? i don’t have a beach towel 2008. What stirs something deep and animalistic inside you? mean fucking people 2009. Have you ever cross dressed (even as a joke)? no 2010. Do you own anything with a rainbow on it? yes lol my boyfriends mom buys pj pants for everyone on christmas and this year she got me rainbow pants with minions on them....... i’ve NEVER even seen despicable me 2011. What would be the worst object for a child to take on a long car ride with you? a loud handheld game 2012. What’s the Best Beatles song in your opinion? help 2013. Why do you suppose that diary sites are more popular with females than males? idk 2014. What do these color combinations remind you of: orange and pink: ice cream pink and green: fruit green and gold: nature purple and gold: idk gold and red: royalty red and white: america blue and grey: the beach 2015. What is one selfish thing you tend to do? let people buy me stuff 2016. When do you think technology will catch up with the Jetson’s? idk 2017. What made you laugh today? my lab partners 2018. Do you ever stick your entries in any of the diary circles? no. 2019. Can you freestyle rap? i could try but it wouldn’t be that good 2020. Are you: stylish? somewhat shiek? huh? smart? i think so 2021. Do you find you self only buying brand name products? i do not care about name brands 2022. Would you ever want to buy an article of clothing or an accessory because you saw a celebrity wear it? i don’t pay attention to celebrities enough 2023. What song do you feel the sexiest dancing to? buttons by pussycat dolls 2024. Who do you know who looks silly when they dance? my dad 2025. Sweaty sex or clean sex? a lil bit of both honestly 2026. Which is more important to you: being kind or being right? i mean both honestly. 2027. Can you do any special dances like swing, tap, or ballroom? i used to do tap 2028. Are you scared of monsters? nada 2029. Who would you like to remind people of? idc 2030. Do you walk to school or do you bring your lunch? neither???? 2031. Rate your skills from one to ten (10 = you are the best at it): socializing: 5 making friends: 5 working with computers: 5 arts: 7 crafts: 7 dancing: 2 skating: 6 talking other people into things: 8 writing: 9 living life to the fullest each day: 5 cooking: 3 gardening: 2 cleaning up after yourself: 9 playing poker: 1 surviving in the woods: 3 managing your time: 8 attracting the opposite sex (or same sex if you prefer)? 4 2032. Have you ever been to an indian reservation? nope 2033. What is going to happen tomorrow that you can celebrate, even if it’s a little thing? idk 2034. Do you save things for special occasions or is everyday a special occasion? i save things. 2035. What is one thing you are terrible at: saving money 2036. What’s your favorite: rap song: love the way you lie country song: we danced industrial song: idk. cover song: cant help falling in love with you punk song: idk odd song: cotton eye joe 2037. What do you get your teacher or your boss for the holidays? not a thing lol 2038. Do you like to read books by Virgina Wolfe? never read any. 2039. What is your favorite tv show from when you were a kid? spongebob 2040. What is now proved was once only imagined. - William Blake. What do you imagine? the future. 2041. What has been passed down through at least two generations to you? nothing 2042. Do we live in a particularly bad age for romance? i don’t think so 2043. Have you ever cheated on someone? nope Do you believe that once someone is a cheater they can never be trusted? yes 2044. Have you ever gone: christmas caroling? nope pumpkin picking? yeah on a hay wagon ride? yes on a romantic valentine’s day date? yeah to a new year’s eve party? a couple times to a memorial day parade? yeah to the Macy’s thanksgiving day parade? maybe in the past to search for gold coins on st patrick’s day? no. 2045. Have you ever done any modeling? nope 2046. Would you consider yourself to be psychologically damaged? not that i can think of 2047. How aware are you of the reasons behind your actions and words? very aware 2048. What is the sickest you ever drank or drugged yourself? i haven’t had any really bad experiences tbh. it’s always a shitty time when i’ve thrown up from alcohol but i’ve never blacked out. 2049. Would you prefer it if clothing was optional? no lol. 2050. What is one interesting fact about you: i collect shot glasses 2051. Are more people depressed because they are alone, or are more people alone because they are depressed? they’re more depressed bc they’re alone probably but there are way more complicated reasons as to why people are depressed 2052. Have you ever gotten a mug, t-shirt, key chain, etc. that was personalized with your picture? no lol 2053. What was the last thing that you experienced for the first time? i don’t know 2054. If you were going to die tomorrow and you were leaving a postcard for someone to read after you were gone what would it say? i dunno. 2055. If you were about to be executed what would your last request be? tell my family that i love them 2056. What kinds of people do you find intimidating? too many people lol 2057. How much conviction do you have in your feelings and beliefs? quite a bit. 2058. In your house where is the: crazy glue? in the junk drawer flashlight? above the snack cabinet 2059. Out of everyone you know who has the most personality? there’s plenty of people lol 2060. If you could go back in time to experience a musical movement or era, which one would you choose to live through? none 2061. Do you suffocate people with your love? sometimes 2062. Do you feel your life is charmed? no. 2063. What character do you identify the most with from Winnie the Pooh? piglet 2064. When do you do your best thinking? in the shower or on the toilet 2065. What motivates you? food 2066. Look back at all the people you’ve dated. Has there been a pattern? not that i can think of 2067. Things change but what will always remain the same for you? i don’t know 2068. Is divorce something you would ever consider or do you feel that marriage is permanantly binding? i would preferably not get divorced. 2069. What’s the strangest movie you ever saw? the abc’s of death 2070. If you could go into virtual reality and set up your life there to be perfect and it would seem real but not be real would you trade your life now for the virtual life? it’d be cool but no 2071. Does it seem like life is more difficult for you than for anyone else? nope 2072. What are you grateful for? everything i have. 2073. What was a choice that you didn’t want to make but you had to? idk. 2074. Have you ever had dental surgery? no. 2075. At what point exactly are you grown up? when you  have bills and you feel like you’re drowning 2076. If there was a weight loss procedure that would destroy your ability to taste food so you wouldn’t be tempted by junk food, would you have it done? absolutely not 2077. What is one thing that happened that you never expected? finding someone i love who actually loves me back 2078. If you called one of your friends and they said “It’s nothing personal but I don’t want to talk to anyone right now,” would you take it personally? nah, i’ve had moments like that too so i can understand 2079. What is your favorite girl’s name? i don’t really have one 2080. Do you ever feel guilty for being more fortunate than others? not really. 2081. If you had to wear a shirt with one word on it for a year, what word would you choose? kok 2082. What is evian spelled backwards? naive 2083. You drop 10 pounds of feathers and a ten pound bowling ball off the top of the same building. Which will hit the ground first? they both weigh the same, sooo both 2084. Even though you may never get what you want, are you happy because you’re trying? yes 2085. If you started a petition what would it be about? idk. 2086. When was the last time you asked someone to do something and they said no? everytime i ask jack to do something he says no but does it anyways 2087. Do bad things happen to you on friday the 13th? not that i know of. 2088. What’s your favorite: Madonna song? - John Lennon song? - Michael Jackson song? billy jean Doors song? - Rolling Stones song? - David Bowie song?- Elvis song? cant help falling in love with you 2089. If you had started a relationship with someone and they said that it would be best if no one knew about it just to see how it goes, would you be offended? it depends ig but id feel like they just wanted to hide me 2090. Do you know any self defense? not really How about CPR? i know the concept of it but ive never really practiced or anything 2091. If you had to look into a mirror and see your naked soul stripped of all delusions and pretenses (Never ending Story style)could you handle it? maybe 2092. Are you a genius? no. 2093. How did you find out that Santa Clause wasn’t real? i got a letter from ‘him’ and the handwriting was the same as my dads 2094. Which is your favorite tarot card? i dont do that shit 2095. Does the internet separate people or connect them? both. 2096. Have you ever written a letter to a soldier? my brother and my sister and some of my friends when they were all in the military 2097. Does pain and fear make you feel alive? to a a certain degree 2098. Are you: good looking? yeah thin? no. happy? yes successful? not yet confident? for the most part 2099. Are you decisive or wishy washy? in between. 2100. Do you feel pop stars should be morally responsible to set a good example for their fans? it’s nice but they shouldn’t be obliged to.

[wearethesame]

inspired by ur recent concert

“You have got to be fucking kidding me.” Emily was staring up at the arrivals/departures board at the train station. The train that was going to take her into the city for the Ed Sheeran gig that night was running later. About two hours late. “Shit.” She glanced around, debating whether or not it was worth trying to figure out a different way to get there. Instead of going to the information booth, she pulled out her phone.

“Hey, Em!”

“Hey, so… bad news.”

Bailey groaned on the other side of the phone and Emily could picture all too well the face she was probably making. “What is it?”

“Trains running late. I should be able to still get there before doors, but this means there’s no way we’ll be able to get close.”

“Well, look at it this way,” Bailey said, “it’s a secret show that requires tickets. Which we have thanks to my arsehole of a boss.”

“How is Grimshaw doing? Have you moved on beyond getting coffees yet?”

“They actually let me press some buttons the other day.”

Emily laughed. “Congrats. Did you get a pay raise with that?”

“Oh, fuck off. Anyways, yeah. I say just wait it out for the train. At least we’ll be in the building. It’s not like it’s at an arena or anything, you know?”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking.” Emily glanced around and eyed the Starbucks near the front of the station. “I’m probably just gonna chill in Starbucks for a while, try to get some work done.”

“I would say you deserve a break, because all you ever do is work, but you have to pass the time somehow.” Bailey sighed. “Just keep me updated, okay? I’ll still make sure to meet you at the station and then we can maybe grab some food quick on the way to the venue or whatever. We’ll figure it out.”

“Okay, sounds good.” Emily couldn’t help but sigh as she hung up. Something always had to go wrong. She’d been planning this London weekend with Bailey for months now. School had been a nightmare and the classes she was TA’ing for had decided in the past weeks to stop caring completely. All Emily wanted was a break. But of course, the train had to be late so she was going to have to wait a bit longer.

The Starbucks was beginning to get crowded and Emily couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief as she snagged a table to herself by the door. She reached into one of her bags to pull out her laptop, headphones, a notebook, and her favorite pen. There were a few articles she could get a headstart on analyzing, and an outline for a paper she had been pushing back for a couple of days.

Emily only made it to the third page of the first article before she realized there was someone standing just beside her, and wasn’t moving. She looked up, pulling her headphones out as she did.

“Um, hey. Excuse me, but, ugh, I was just wondering if I could sit at the other seat?” the question came from one of the hottest guys Emily had ever seen, and her mind went blank for a moment. “I promise I won’t bother you. It’s just my train isn’t coming for a while and everywhere else is full”

“Oh, um. Of course, yeah!” Emily gestured a hand to the free seat across from her. “Sorry, I’ll get all my stuff out of the way.” she move to pull her laptop and everything back closer to her side of the table.

“Thank you so much. And it’s no bother.” The guy set his bag down on the ground next to Emily’s and then took his seat. “You’re doing me the favor, I don’t want to get in your way.”

Emily blushed, not knowing how to respond. She tried to turn her attention back to the article, and decided to keep her headphones out. Normally she hated all sorts of small talk, and there was no telling whether or not this guy was going to turn out to be a massive creep. But Emily couldn’t help but hope for the best.

The pair sat in silence for about ten minutes, Emily did her best to take notes on the article, while the guy seemed to be writing in a beat-up notebook. She kept sneaking looks at him, and she couldn’t help but stare at his hair. It looked so soft, a messy light brown that seemed to be the result of a dye job growing out. She almost texted Bailey in desperation to ask for any tips on how to make conversation, when the guy spoke.

“So are you a student?”

“Um, yeah. In a masters program”

The guy whistled. “Impressive.”

“And you?” Emily felt a bit bold, and nodded at the notebook.

“A writer of sorts, I suppose.” He shifted in his seat, as if he was uncomfortable. “So, where are you traveling to today?”

Emily didn’t mind the change of topic, and tried to keep her answer vague. “London, actually. My friend managed to get tickets to this secret gig thing, and so we decided to make a weekend of it”

“Oh, really?” The guy’s eyes lit up. “Can I ask who the artist is?”

“Ed Sheeran, actually. And I’m so excited, it’s been ages since I’ve been to a live show.”

A smile took over the guy’s face and Emily felt her heart clench. Fuck, the guy looked like some sort of casanova. “You like music then?”

“Doesn’t everyone?”

The guy laughed. “Fair enough”

“But really, yeah. I mean, I think for me…  I mean, I love the intimacy of live shows. I love the connection you make with the band even when you’re at the back of the room. There’s something beautiful about it all. And I mean, it’s fucking awesome to hear some of your favorite songs performed right in front of you.”

Emily must have said the right thing because next thing she knew an hour and a half had passed. Her work had long been forgotten and she found herself not minding.

“Shit,” Niall (he’d introduced himself about twenty minutes into the conversation) was looking down at his phone. “Our train should probably be here soon. You wanna head to the track?”

Emily snapped out of the daze of their conversation and scrambled to gather her things together. She looked at her own phone to see that Bailey had texted an hour ago asking for an update.

She followed Niall to the platform where their train was going to come in. Her nerves that had disappeared during their conversation had found their way back to her stomach. But thankfully, Niall didn’t seem to be picking up on any of her nerves.

“Is it cool if we sit next to each other?” Niall asked when they finally came to a stop by the tracks. The arrivals/departures board informed them they had about five minutes until their train was meant to arrive.

“As long as you’re not sick of me yet.”

“Nonsense. You’ve got the sickest sarcastic burns I’ve ever received. Seriously, you’re fucking great. And besides, I want to hear more about what you’d like to do to those pricks in your class.”

Emily laughed. “But if I tell you what I’d like to do, and I end up doing it, you’d be able to tell them who did it.”

“Nah, I’d be an accomplice in the good way; I’ll help make the prank even better so you won’t get caught.” He winked and nudged her shoulder with his own.

Emily didn’t know how to respond so she pulled out her phone and typed out a reply to Bailey in an attempt to hide the blush she was sure was beginning to spread across her face. She was almost sure now that Niall was flirting with her, but she didn’t want to get her hopes up. It was possible that this was just how Niall was, loving and open with everyone he met. But the way he looked at her while she rambled on, it made her heart skip a beat. He was actually listening and Emily’s gut was telling her that it meant something.

* * *

About twenty minutes into the train ride, Niall shifted the conversation towards Emily’s plan for the night.

“So you’re meeting your friend there?”

“My friend Bailey, yeah. She’s the one who got the tickets. She just started a job at Radio One and spent way too much energy convincing her boss to give us the tickets.”

“Her boss sounds like a prick”

“Nick Grimshaw probably is.” Emily laughed.

“No shit, she works for Grimmy?”

“You know him?” Emily was taken aback. But then again, Niall seemed like the type of person that would somehow be friends with the radio dj.

Niall shifted a bit, and Emily sensed he was a bit uncomfortable. “Yeah, I know him. He’s a good guy. Can be shit sometimes, but means well.”

Emily nodded in agreement. “That’s basically what Bailey has said. She loves her job though, so any complaining is more for the sake of complaining rather than actually being bothered.”

“So you guys are going to the show and then what? A night on the town?”

“I don’t think we have any plans quite yet. We may go to a pub or something, but nothing too crazy.”

Niall smiled at that and Emily couldn’t figure out why she thought it looked like he was smiling because he knew something she didn’t.

* * *

“Alright, well. I hope you have fun tonight.” Niall gave Emily’s back a pat and then hoisted his bag over his shoulder. “See ya”

“I, wha-” Emily spluttered. There was no way Niall was just fucking leaving after all of that. “Are you serious?”

Niall let out a cackle and dropped his bag to the floor. The two were standing at the front of the train station out by the street. Bailey had texted she was almost there and Niall had informed her that he was meeting his own friend just down the road. “No I’m not serious, you goof” He pulled her in for a hug. Emily felt herself relaxing into his embrace. It was one of the best hugs she’d ever gotten.

“Besides,” he pulled out of the hug to smirk at her, “I haven’t given you my number yet.”

“And what makes you think I want your number?”

Niall shrugged, grin still on his face. “I like to live life with optimism.”

“You’re crazy.”

“I’ve been called worse.”

Emily chuckled and reached into her bag for her phone. She opened up a new contact and passed the phone over to Niall. He typed his information in and then called his own phone, hanging up only after it started ringing in his pocket.

“There,” he handed her phone back. “Now you can’t get rid of me.” He picked his bag back up and reached out to brush a strand of Emily’s hair out of her face. “See you around, Em.”

“yeah.” Emily breathed out. “Bye, Niall.” She waved as he walked away backwards, still grinning at her. He bumped into a business woman, and it was only then that he turned around to walk forward down the street.

“Emily!” Emily whipped her head around to see Bailey coming from the other side of the street. She shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts of Niall and the fucking perfect afternoon they’d spent together. She grinned at Bailey and opened her arms up to give her a hug when she finally reached where Emily was standing.

“Now, are you ready for a fucking awesome weekend?”

“you know… I am.”

* * *

The two girls managed to get to the venue (after dropping Emily’s stuff off at Bailey’s flat and grabbing a quick bite to eat) just as Ed was being announced to the stage. The place was crowded, but not to the point where Emily was cursing that they were towards the back of the venue. She accepted the pint Bailey handed to her, and tried to force herself to relax. Niall was still in her thoughts but Emily figured that it would be that way for a while.

Halfway through the show Ed set down his guitar and started really talking to the audience. He bantered with a couple of his friends in the front while his band behind him re-tuned their instruments.

“Alright, so! This here is an unconventional gig so we’re just gonna go ahead and do something a bit out of the ordinary.” the crowd cheered. “So one of my good mates is here. He actually is one of my main writing partners and a lot of the tunes on the new record are thanks to him. I wouldn’t be where I am without him, so I thought I’d do him a favor and let him embarrass himself in front of his girl.” the crowd cheered even harder.

“Alright, Horan. Get your bony arse up here.”

“Oh my god.” Emily nearly dropped her second pint as she watched Niall bounce onto the stage and into a hug with Ed.

“What is it?” Bailey was confused. She looked back and forth between Emily and what was unfolding on the stage. “Wait… no. No way.” Emily could only nod. There were no words for all of the emotions she was feeling right now. “Well shit. This is good. Should I be filming your reaction?”

Emily only smacked Bailey’s arm in response. “Quiet! He’s going to say something!”

Niall in fact, had a guitar in his hands and was adjusting the microphone stand Ed had been standing at.

“How we doing?” screams answered him, and he laughed into the mic. “Well, like Ed said, I’m mostly a songwriter. Not the biggest fan of the spotlight myself. But,” he stared out into the crowd like he was looking for someone. Emily’s heart skipped a beat. “when the situation calls for it, I can be spontaneous.” he laughed again and stepped back to check that the guitar was properly tuned.

“So, today I met a girl. I was almost too scared to approach her, but something in me told me that I would regret it if I didn’t say at least something.” A couple of people in the room awed. “Yeah, real fucking cute, right? Anyways, she said she was coming to the gig so hopefully she’s here with her friend like she said.” the aw’s got even louder and Emily could just sense that Bailey had trained her phone on Emily to record her reaction.

“Right, so. This is a song I wrote with Ed a few weeks ago. It wasn’t inspired by any particular girl, but after meeting Em, I feel like it was some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy or some shit. The feeling is the same while the details may not be.”

“Get on with it” Ed had come back on stage with a guitar of his own. Niall flipped him off and then leaned back into the mic.

“This is Galway Girl. It’ll be on Ed’s new record whenever he gets off his arse to finish it all. Em, this is for you.”

* * *

Niall found her at the bar as the place was beginning to clear out. Bailey had convinced her to stick around, saying that it would be easier for Niall to find her inside than outside. Emily had tried to fight her, saying that she could just text Niall where she was. “But this is way more dramatic” Bailey had sighed and then left Emily at the bar while she went to go shmooze with a couple of her coworkers from the radio station.

“Hope that wasn’t too much.”

Emily turned to look at Niall straight on. He was clutching his pint tightly, as if he needed some sort of security. Emily grabbed her own glass and clinked it against Niall’s. She raised it in cheers and took a swig.

“If you think anything in my life is going to top that, then you’re wrong. You’ve ruined me.”

That seemed to put Niall at ease. “Really? You don’t think I can top that?”

Emily feigned like she was thinking hard for a moment. “I mean, you could always write a song that’s actually about me.” She smirked at him and fluttered her eyelashes a bit. “That may be able to top that little stunt.”

Niall laughed and bumped his shoulder into her’s. He stayed pressed against her, and Emily couldn’t find it in herself to move. She liked feeling his presence so close, liked how he felt next to her.

“So you really are a writer.” She took another drink and continued, “usually people say that in like, the metaphorical shit. But you’re actually making a living off of what you love.”

Niall shrugged. “I mean, it’s not the best living. But it’s alright. I’m a freelancer but yeah, I do a lot of work with my mates.”

“I can’t believe you let me go on and on about Ed without telling me you know him.”

“I thought it was funny!”

“I just feel like an idiot.” Emily grimaced.

“No, don’t.” Emily started when she felt Niall’s hand coming up to grab hers. His hands were surprisingly soft and she hated how she immediately felt comforted by the gentle squeeze he gave her hand. “You’re not an idiot. You’re so smart.”

Her breath was coming in shorter and shorter gasps, and she was almost positive he was looking at her lips just as much as she was looking at his. She had just decided to go for it and began leaning in when a body slammed into the two of them from behind, thus ruining whatever moment they’d been having.

“Is this her? Are you Emily?” A completely plastered Ed Sheeran was standing behind them, his arms thrown around each of them, holding the three of them together. “Have you been proper wooed yet?”

“Ed,” Niall warned, but Emily cut him off.

“Yeah, actually. Congrats on the gig by the way. It was nice.”

“Nice?” Ed let out a booming laugh and pulled Emily in for a hug. “Fucking honest, I love it. I love you. You’re a good one.”

“Only when I want to be. I can be bad when the time calls.” Both Ed and Niall stared back at her, and Emily took pride knowing she’d made them briefly speechless.

“You’re gonna have a right time with her, Niall. Keep her around, she’s fun.” And with that, Ed left the two of them be, bumbling off to greet another group of friends that immediately cried out the need for shots.

“Were you being serious?”

“Hm?”

“You said,” Niall took a long drink and then continued, “you said that you were wooed.”

“Seriously?” Emily shook her head in disbelief. And instead of answering him, she decided to just pull him in for a kiss. One he responded to enthusiastically and it was a few minutes before the two parted.

“Consider me well wooed, Horan.”

“You know, I was going to text you, too.”

“Well you still better, especially after this.”

“Don’t worry,” he wrapped a hand gently around her neck, his thumb tracing along her jawline. “you won’t get rid of me easily.”

[luxuryvehicle]

LV #1: Nile Gibbs

Jon Colyer: Alright Nile, basic info. Let’s hear your full name, your date of birth and your hometown, where you hail from.

Nile Gibbs: My full name is Nile Duncan Gibbs. I was born in Seattle, Washington, but I grew up on Bainbridge Island, which is just across the water from Seattle. I’m 24 years old.

JC: Bainbridge Island, where is that?

NG: It’s like a ferry ride away from Seattle, 25 or 30 minutes. Just a small, small island, where you kind of know everyone. That’s where I grew up skating though, we would just take big weekend trips over to Seattle to skate the streets or the local indoor park, Innerspace.

JC: When do you first remember coming across skateboarding?

NG: Damn. I want to say I was like 11 years old. Even before I had moved over to Bainbridge… Actually, I was probably like seven or something, and we had gotten X-Games boards as a Christmas present or something, my brother and I. My mom was going to take us to the old Seaskate, the second one that was built. We get there and we were just so fearful that we ended up just skating across the street in these little tennis courts. I don’t even think we got on our boards; we were just in awe of older kids and adults skateboarding at the actual skatepark. It wasn’t until years later that I had a neighbor who I thought was cool or edgy or whatever, he like smoked cigs and could fuckin’ ollie and do tricks that I didn’t even know the names of. I was like “Damn, this could be cool to try this.” For my birthday when I turned 12 I asked for a fuckin’ Element Bamagram skateboard, I printed it out off the Internet and sent it to my grandma to ask her for it. On my birthday I ended up getting a hand-me-down board from my cousin Bergen, but I was so stoked.

JC: Who did you start skating with, who were the first people you met that skated?

NG: I had a few friends in middle school that skated, one of them, we had happened to be in the same class in elementary school, we became friends. He already could skateboard, knew how to skateboard, and he would give me all his old shoes and shit.

JC: Who was this?

NG: This was Manny (Dancel). He always had old Adio’s and shit. I had an idea of what skate shoes were, like Adio’s and the I-Path’s with the strap. He gave me those and I was like “Damn, Air Force I-Paths!”

JC: (Laughs)

NG: So it was just like, me, him and my older brother Jordan skated too. I think we picked it up around the same time; he got a board a little later. Along with his older friends that skated, we became a crew.

JC: So Manny skated before you?

NG: Yeah.

JC: But Jordan skated after you?

NG: Yeah, yeah. Manny could already ollie and shit. I remember him showing me how to jump down stairs. I would just roll off stairs, but he could actually ollie.

JC: So growing up in the Pacific Northwest, where it rains a lot, what would you do to cope with that?

NG: Fuck, it was crazy, we definitely took advantage of every dry day. And when it wasn’t dry we had this undercover area that we would go to. Fuckin’ seven days a week it seemed like, every day in the winter after school.

JC: That was the LGI?

NG: Yeah, at my high school (Editor’s Note: Bainbridge Island High School). After awhile people kind of knew us, like teachers and whoever on the school staff. We were already the rebellious kids throughout our school careers, so they knew we’d be skating after class. And we also had like an old gas station we could go to that we knew closed at 4:00 or 5:00 pm, we would wait for them to close. It was called Hockett and Olson.

JC: A gas station that closed at 5:00 pm?

NG: Yeah, and an auto body shop. It was literally as big as this room, the overhead area. But we could skate stationary flatground and the little curbs there. It was across the street from the apartments I lived in.

JC: So with you guys at the LGI seven days a week sometimes, did the teachers and the custodians and the security guards just sort of know who you were?

NG: Yeah them and typical small town folks, you know? The police? They knew us, all 10 of them or however many there were. There were times when we would get our boards taken and we wouldn’t really know how to get them back, we thought once they took them that was the end of it. It got to a point where we would just run away any time we saw a police officer.

JC: Of course.

NG: The town was so little that they would just meet us at the next spot or even get there before us. It would be a gamble whether they’d take our boards or just give us a slap on the wrist.

JC: How many people live on Bainbridge Island?

NG: I think the population is like 26,000 or something.

JC: Do you think that small town environment had an affect on the way that you skateboard now?

NG: It got me accustomed to being able to wake up early, say its dry in the morning but not at night. I’m a planner, it’s been awhile since I’ve planned anything, but when I’m skating all the time I have things planned out. Since I was 16 too, I’ve always been trying to hold a job, so I’ve also learned to skate around work.

JC: Outside of your friends, do you remember the stuff in magazines and videos back then that had an influence on you?

NG: Yeah, along with getting my first skateboard, the first two mags I ever got, I stole from the Safeway nearby where I lived. One was a Thrasher, it had Jamie Thomas on the cover barefoot, grinding a rail. (Editor’s Note: December 2006)

JC: Yup, King of the Road.

NG: Yup. And then the other one was… Skateboarder or something? Another mag that’s not in business anymore. But yeah, I stole that and it was just on from there. I thought Zero was the sickest. Jamie Thomas being The Chief and all. Even though none of that really influenced how I skated, I just thought those were like, the top-notch dudes. Same thing with Tony Hawk, I thought he was super sick, but I never really wished to skate any sort of ramp.

JC: Do you remember the first skate video you saw?

NG: My first video was a local Manik video, it was Splash or something. My friend Manny had the tape and he brought it over to watch. He had older brothers who skated and I think they were trying to show us what was out there, spot-wise. It was probably the year it came out or the year after. That video influenced me for sure. A few months later Josh Anderson, who was a local pro for Manik, ended up being the first pro skater I ever met, and he has a part in that video.

JC: When do you first remember filming tricks? Who was the first person that filmed you?

NG: Out there gettin’ it? Shit, since I was a fetus, nahm sayin’? I been making it happen!

JC: (Laughs)

NG: Nah fuck, its probably still on YouTube. It was an old Bainbridge High School edit, some dude named Kyle, who was originally from California, was filming us with like a tiny mini-DV camera as we skated this little drop. It was maybe two feet high, but we would do every trick off of it, meaning like pop shove, kickflip, heelflip. I want to say that I varial flipped it, and that trick made the cut for the video. Then I definitely would try to go skate with him and try to jump off stuff.

JC: At what point did James Lorimer enter the picture?

NG: Oh yeah, Janky (laughs). Probably like a year or two after I started skating I started seeing this kid who was just insanely good, and could skate both switch and regular. He was really good at both and I just thought that was insane. He would film videos himself and had videos he made on YouTube, so I would low key always watch those. I figured out he lived in the area, and his name was James.

JC: And he had just moved there?

NG: Yeah he had also come from California, San Diego. He was the new Cali kid coming into our scene. He knew how to skate flatground really well and that was such a big influence on me. Also filming, just going out trying to explore and film tricks. It was so crazy to think that I could hang out with dudes who were like, four or five years older than me. Especially back then, when I was like twelve, these dudes were almost adults to me, but that didn’t really matter because we were all just skating.

JC: Yeah?

NG: Yeah. But when I met James we pumped out like four or five video parts nahm sayin?

JC: (Laughs) Just to keep the timeline straight, what year was this?

NG: 2006 or something? I was 12 when he moved there, he was probably 15. Then after that I got to a point when I was about 16 or 17 when, I wasn’t like over skateboarding, but I was meeting new people and having other friends who definitely did not skateboard at all, so I kind of started doing other stuff. I have an addictive personality or whatever they call it, where you do one thing and get super into it. For me, that thing became basketball for like a year. I literally didn’t pick up my skateboard for one year.

JC: I definitely remember that year.

NG: Yeah, because I would see you guys! I would see you and James just fuckin’ skating the LGI or whatever, and try to duck.

JC: We asked you “When are you going to skate again?”

NG: James was probably a little more mean about it, he wanted to beat the shit out of me.

JC: Yeah, and at one point we asked you that and you just laughed and said “Never,” then you walked away.

NG: (Laughs) It helped too, because it disciplined me. Nothing is really handed to you, and nobody has to give you any chances either. So it’s like, just go out and get it yourself. Playing basketball on a high school level too, I got conditioned. I came back and I could ollie higher, jump over way more shit.

JC: Sick. I remember James calling me when you came back to skateboarding, he said you beat him at SKATE just trading off with just his board or something. Still doing nollie flips and tre flips and shit.

NG: Yeah! Something like that.

JC: Going backwards a little, were you already filming with Ben Ericson when you stepped away?

NG: Not really. But actually, when I was like, 14 or 15 or whatever, James met this guy that had nice camera gear and shit. He kept saying he was legit, really good at filming, just seemed cool too. He was like an older dude, a little older than us. I met him and then we didn’t really film until like exactly a year later. I met him in the summer when I was probably 14, then we didn’t film anything until the next summer. It’s funny that it took a whole year for us to actually go skate, because we essentially lived only two towns apart, and the scene wasn’t huge.

JC: You were probably the only person in that area at the time that was really trying to skate, and Ben was definitely the only person who was serious about shooting skating.

NG: Definitely, but people are busy. I didn’t have a car, so either Ben would drive out to pick me up, or James and I might spend two hours driving to a spot to meet him, before that maybe just take the bus. In that time, whether or not we got anything didn’t even really matter, it was more that we were just out there skateboarding. We had a goal, but nobody was enforcing any sort of deadline.

JC: So when did you become fully re-immersed in skateboarding after stepping away?

NG: Probably days after my last high school basketball game, so I was 18. I went to 35th North and bought a brand new complete board. The same dudes were working there that were there when I left skating. I love that place.

JC: And you were back in the streets?

NG: Yeah! Just picked right back up. I started filming with Ben right off the bat and was trying to get back to where I was before I quit.

JC: You filmed that little “Welcome Back” part with James too at that time?

NG: Yeah, we filmed that part, which was basically just me sort of getting everything back. Then when that was done I just sort of picked up where I left off with Ben, nobody even really knowing that I had quit. We had probably a good couple minutes of footage that I hadn’t even seen at the time. That stuff never saw the light of day, which I’m totally fine with. But I’m sure it shows the stages of me growing up too, at like 15 or 16.

JC: Now those clips are like eight or nine years old!

NG: Exactly, and the video took about seven years to come out anyway. You can see the progress, sometimes I have short hair, sometimes I have an afro, then a flat top. Skinny pants to slightly baggier pants…

JC: Purple Axions?

NG: Yeah! (Laughs) So many levels.

JC: But like you said before, with Ben, it’s always more about the ritual of going skating and hanging out with your friends and exploring than it is about stacking clips at every session. I’m not surprised a video like that takes seven years to come out, but look at the finished product. Amazing.

NG: For sure.

JC: When did you move to Seattle from Bainbridge?

NG: It was kind of a weird time for me, because I was living with my brother and trying to finish high school. During my last summer before senior year I wanted to move out, because my brother was out of school already and it was getting too hectic at the place he lived. I decided to move out with a friend of mine, who then ended up having to go to jail over some stuff. He had a warrant that caught up to him and had to do jail time to straighten it out. It happened to be around the same time we had found a place, only the first or second month that we moved in. When he left I wasn’t really capable of paying enough money to hang on to the place alone, with no knowledge of when he might be out. On top of that, I had to start basketball with the new school year. So I broke the lease and ended up moving into my grandparent’s house in Seward Park, Seattle when I was 17, turning 18.

JC: But you were still going to Bainbridge High School at that point? Were you commuting to school?

NG: Yeah, so I commuted the whole year my senior year on the ferries. It wasn’t really bad at all. Essentially it’s a half-hour ferry ride and then about a 20 minute walk to school from there. It’s mellow.

JC: Was the school hooking you up with an Orca card or what?

NG: My grandma got me one, they might’ve been paying her back for it but I’m really not sure.

JC: You already mentioned this, but how did your initial connection with 35th North take place?

NG: When I was still really young, 15 or 16, I went in there for the first time. Before that, we had a skateshop very close to the ferry terminal in Seattle, Snowboard Connection. They eventually moved locations, making it inconvenient for me to shop there. Around the same time James and my other friends started telling me that 35th was the place to go in Seattle for boards, but it was further up from the ferry terminal on Capitol Hill. Anyway, the first time I went I was amazed by how sick it was. The owner, Tony, was there and really dope. Somehow he already knew that I was coming over from Bainbridge and taking the ferry, so he gave me a discount on the very first board I bought there.

JC: Did he know who you were?

NG: I guess so? From like Ben and James having YouTube videos or something. I think James and Manny were already going to 35th for boards so they probably mentioned me. I was 15, so that was right before the first time I did All-City. I’m sure Ben had said something as well, or showed him my footage to get me in the contest. Tony hooked me up with a deal though, not like I was sponsored or anything at the time, and he was just extremely friendly. I guess it was a blessing that Snowboard Connection moved (Laughs).

JC: What was the first time you did All-City Showdown? You did it quite a few times, what was your overall impression of the contest?

NG: I didn’t even really think of it as a contest at first. I was 16 the first time I did it, and it was on my birthday (September 2nd).

JC: That was probably the first time I had heard your name. Around that year of All-City was also the time I started commuting to 35th for boards from Poulsbo. Tony asked me about you the first time I came in the shop. I remember seeing your team’s footage on the All-City DVD and wondering how the hell I hadn’t met any of you guys yet. Not to mention I was blown away by Ben’s filming. He probably had some of the best looking clips in the whole contest, but he was just some dude from the boonies. When you think back on all your video projects while living in Seattle, which ones stand out?

NG: Back then I wasn’t even filming with a goal in mind. Like I said before, I wasn’t trying to get myself out there really. My thought process was more like “I want to go film, these dudes are cool, I’m into skating with these guys, I’m into these filmers, they’re just dope people, so I’m going to just film with them.” I just didn’t want to half-ass things really, have like a couple clips here and there. More like, why don’t I try to get as much footage as possible with like, these four or five dudes. You got 24 hours in a day, you have so much time to do anything you need to do. Go to work, try to get a clip before work or after work.

JC: Before the filmer goes to work? (Laughs)

NG: Exactly, and I didn’t have like a girlfriend or anything back then. The first real video “part” I had drop though was that sponsor me tape thing or “Homies” as James titled it. I really legitimately thought that that was what people did, they just upload their footage to YouTube and send their own footage to companies, like a mixtape. So that was kind of what I did, and then to make it a part we just added some fuckin’ music to it and called it a day.

JC: It’s good!

NG: Yeah, but a few months after that was when I took a break and wasn’t skating, so that’s pretty funny. I remember this though, on January 1, 2012 I wrote something on Facebook saying like “This year I’m going to skate more.” Like some New Year’s resolution bullshit, and then that was the year that I ended up not skating at all (laughs). It was New Year’s so I think I had been drinking the night before and just woke up and thought, “I’m going to do something better with myself.”

JC: Amazing.

NG: The video part that really stands out though as the first big one I had was The Outer Limits part, for sure. That was the first premiere I was really a part of, other than those All-City Showdown premieres. The dude who made that, Ben Ericson, is my favorite filmer in the Northwest. Just his vision and his talent are amazing.

JC: Absolutely.

NG: After that, it was on. Like, “I’m just going to skate.” At that time too I wasn’t really on social media that much. I didn’t pay attention, so I didn’t see as much of what was going on in the skate scene, or realize that what I was doing was excessive.

JC: What do you mean?

NG: Like filming too much, dumping too much content on the Internet or Instagram without a purpose. It wasn’t like a company or anyone was asking me to do that. So I kind of changed my vision or my train of thought after that.

JC: We were filming a lot together during that point. We did Luxury Vehicle around the same time as Outer Limits, and then we immediately did that night part for Amigos Skateboards.

NG: That was sick though! Like a month later we had the premiere for Luxury Vehicle and I had a full part in that. Those dudes, too, like Dane (Barker), Ian (Wishart) and Michael (Bala), were more of the dudes who I was actually skating with every day at that point. Whereas with Outer Limits we had all already started to drift apart. That’s why Ben started to get serious I think, in his head he was like “Were not skating as much as we all were before, such-and-such isn’t even skating at all.”

JC: I do remember the point when you told me you felt that you needed to move on from that project, it had been X number of years and none of the footage had come out.

NG: That’s why Luxury Vehicle was important too. I took filming for that part very seriously, because we had a set deadline and we knew when it was coming out. I watched you book the premiere and shit and just knew it was coming. That was a fun time, another reason to bring the whole skate community together to watch a video.

JC: There are a lot of good memories in there.

NG: Yup. Then we moved in together in December of that year and just said “It’s the winter, it gets dark early, why don’t we try to make something all at night?”

JC: That came out in March or April of 2016, right as daylight savings time was ending and the days were getting longer.

NG: Yeah, just cranked it out in like four months. That was really my first time interacting much with security guards too, being able to try to just sneak a clip in here or there before you get a full boot.

JC: Then we moved right into Aggressors with kind of a new group of friends that were around, you were riding for Amigos for most of that?

NG: Yeah, I was out there repping the local brand. Amigos was so sick.

JC: I remember getting out of town a lot more around then too.

NG: We started taking lots of trips around the Northwest. Portland, Bellingham, Tacoma, just hungry to explore, see what else we could do besides skate the same downtown spots over and over.

JC: Then at what point did you start thinking of moving to California? And why San Francisco as opposed to Los Angeles or someplace else?

NG: Well we had to leave our living situation; we only signed a nine-month lease. I wasn’t getting burnt out on skating in Seattle, but maybe just burnt out with skating only in Seattle, if that makes sense. I always envisioned like, maybe moving to California for a while just to see what it had to offer. There was always something in the back of my mind like “Maybe you could do something more with skating down there.” But really, it was just to try out living a different life from where I was born and raised. I was still really young and didn’t really have any responsibilities besides just taking care of myself, so why not go? I didn’t ever really think of moving to San Francisco until I met Tony (Vitello) over at Thrasher. Tony at Thrasher and Tony (Croghan) at 35th North are good friends. Croghan knew I wanted to move to California and just sort of brought it forward to Tony Vitello, who said like “Yeah he could move to San Francisco and stay at such-and-such.”

JC: So that was enough for you to bolt?

NG: Yeah that was enough, and I had never been to San Francisco before that. I didn’t know anything about it, besides it being the mecca of street skateboarding, and I really didn’t even know what that meant. But then I stepped into Double Rock and saw Chico Brenes and Myles Silvas. It seemed so surreal.

JC: Was it always in the initial plan to stay?

NG: Well with him allowing me to stay at Double Rock I figured “Oh I’ll just stay down here for a couple months and then once the weather gets better in Seattle in, say May or April, I’ll move back.” I figured I’d pat myself on the back and go back to Seattle. I didn’t even necessarily think I’d be working down here or anything. I had saved up some money to couch surf, even though I really didn’t have any friends down here at all. Tony and my other friend Tet, those were the only dudes I even knew. One thing led to another and I’m still here. It’s been two years, a little over.

JC: How did you end up working for High Speed?

NG: When he told me I could stay at Double Rock, I actually had no idea that it was right across the street from the headquarters. I got there was just like “1303 Underwood Ave, that’s Thrasher right there!” It was kind of a struggle right when I first got down here because we (Editor’s Note: Nile and Ian Wishart) lived in a skatepark. There was no motivation to find a job because literally we would walk out of our room and just be in the skatepark. Then it turned into like “I’m gonna go skate with such-and-such instead of trying to go get a nine-to-five job over at the café.” But that could only last for so long, you know? All my money was going to shit, I had maybe a month left of savings and I decided to get a job at Whole Foods, and then I ended up finding a really shitty place with you…

JC: Yup.

NG: Then we got a slightly less shitty spot out in Glen Park. We let that run for a little bit and while that was all going on I was staying in touch with Tony (Vitello) on a friendly basis, hanging out or skating. Eventually he was like “Hey, I have some stuff you could do here and work part-time.” As soon as he said that I was down, I would rather do this than almost anything else I can think of. At first it was just little stuff like cleaning out a room or organizing books here and there, mags, shipping stuff out from the warehouse, whatever there was that would allow myself to stay longer within the mag, I wanted to do whatever I could do to help. Tony got the idea to start a skate store, a Thrasher store, and wanting me to be a part of it. At that point I knew I was definitely going to stay in San Francisco, if not for skateboarding just to be a part of that.

JC: You were basically their first staff member for 66 6th.

NG: Yeah. I don’t know, but I was for sure one of the first dudes Tony spoke to about potentially working there. I was just in awe, I was like “Holy shit, this could be something really sick.”

JC: How did you get involved with GX?

NG: I knew that Ryan (Garshell) lived out here and filmed all those videos and shit. I was always super into his work as well, I admired his filming and how he goes about putting out a lot of footage of really good dudes that skate in San Francisco. Like the second day of me going out skateboarding in the city I met Ryan and Al Davis and Brian De La. They were all hanging out with my friend Tet, who showed me around the city at first. The city is so small you just see a lot of dudes around. Ryan was working on a video, and the first time I got a clip with him he asked me if I wanted to put it towards that. From there we just started filming more stuff. At first he was like “I’m putting out a video at the end of the year,” which was four months away. Four months led to another year of filming.

JC: You guys went all over the place filming for Roll Up.

NG: Yeah we fuckin’… we went on an East Coast trip where we went to Philly and we went to New York. I had already been to New York City but I had never been to Philadelphia at all. It was super sick, I didn’t really get much there but there was fuckin’ 15 of us, it was so insane. Whether it was everyone trying to skate the same spot at once or just trying to get everyone out of the house and ready. A lot of the homies were definitely trying to go out and party and enjoy themselves. I don’t blame ‘em. We were out here across the country, gotta make the most of it.

JC: You had some clips in the video and people responded really well to them. People were singling you out on the SLAP forum as having some of their favorite clips in the video.

NG: I got a handful of clips nahm sayin? (Laughs) I didn’t imagine he would even use as much as he did just because he’s critical, which is good. Quality over quantity, there’s no reason to have an 80-minute video when it could be 40 minutes and speak to people just as well.

JC: One thing I remember from that premiere is that the whole video is super damaging. It’s just one insane clip after another. You stand there for 40 minutes but you’re just being pummeled by raw footage of insane hill bombs the entire time. It’s the exact opposite of watched “BLESSED” or something.

NG: Someone said they counted, and there are 45 hill bombs in the video. That made me wonder how many clips total made the cut. Like if it’s 100 clips total or something then the video is half hill bombs. But that’s fuckin’ SF.

JC: Who’s your favorite roller to watch?

NG: Probably Matt Finley, that dude is super fun to watch. He has a good bag of flatground tricks. He wasn’t able to get out filming a bunch while I was around because he’s been injured a lot, so it was definitely magical every time I got to watch him skate. Jesse (Vieira) was definitely fuckin’ insane. Especially because he’s not only a risk taker, but also talented enough to really fuckin’ do all those crazy things. Imagine how much footage he must have had the will never see the light of day. That dude can skate whatever the hell you want him to skate or whatever the hell he wants to skate.

JC: Like Geoff Rowley.

NG: Yeah, Jesse was a beautiful sight to behold in the streets. As a person as well, beautiful.

JC: What’s up with the movie you’re in? How did you become a stunt double?

NG: Yeah lemme plug. The Last Black Man in San Francisco, out June 14, go see that shit! Nah, that was insane. Fuckin… just over skating at my local park, SoMa. It was one of those days that I wasn’t really expecting to skate at all, I think I had work in the afternoon. I was supposed to meet up with whoever and they bailed, so I ended up at the park for like 20, 30 minutes. There was no one there of course, it was pretty early in the day. This guy was there, on his phone talking about who-knows-what forever and just looking at me and everyone else at the park, just eyeing everyone. I was like “Who the fuck is this guy?” Eventually he like yells at me and tells me to come to the gate. I said what’s up and he was like “Yo were filming for this movie, you really fit the description of the main character who skateboards.” I had a flat top at the time and he asked me “Is there any way you could pat down your hair? Because the character doesn’t have much hair.” I told him that I could figure it out and I took his crumpled up business card. They needed me in just a couple weeks, the shoot was happening immediately. At the end of the conversation he was like “Oh by the way, we’ll pay you.”

JC: I would hope so.

NG: And then to persuade me he started listing off other skaters and actors in the movie: Daewon Song, Andy Roy, Danny Glover, Mike Epps. Soon after that I went over to his office and he told me the same thing again “You might have to cut your hair, let me see what your hair looks like patted down.” I told him I really wasn’t interested in cutting it unless they were going to pay me a decent amount of money. We came to an agreement on that, his initial offer was more than I thought he would be willing to pay. I ended up cutting my hair into a little-ass nappy ‘fro.

JC: Wow.

NG: Then when it came to start shooting, the script for what we would be doing wasn’t really all the way developed. It was all written, but it was extremely flexible. The other stunt double was a little bit older and wasn’t willing to do quite as much with skating, he wasn’t out there trying to bomb these sketchy-ass hills so they also had me doing some of his work. I was totally fine with that, but then it turned into like me being at work and them calling me like “Hey can you meet up within the next half hour? So-and-so isn’t able to perform this stunt and the last day to shoot this is today. We’ll pay you for a full days work!”

JC: Was it fun? Do you see a future in that for yourself?

NG: Honestly, it was so fun. Something I never thought I’d be able to do or experience. If there’s more work where that came from, sign me up. I’m down! I might have to go skate the park more often.

JC: Maybe you should just hang out at SoMa everyday.

NG: Psych!

JC: What are your favorite things in the current state of skateboarding?

NG: Fuck dude, all those dudes from Europe, Atlantic Drift! It’s been awhile since they put anything out. That’s probably for the best, I’m sure they’re working on the next one. Nah but they put out some really good edits in the last couple years. The Isle video Vase is also one of my favorite videos of all time. I also love seeing new Ishod (Wair) footage. And he always pumps out clips on Instagram or whatever, even if its skatepark footage, I always love to see what he’s doing.

JC: What’s wack then? What stuff do you NOT like?

NG: Instagram is definitely the worst BEST thing there is. It’s like, you could use it in a good way, but in most cases it just oversaturates everything. It’s so easy and so convenient that it just makes everything so bland and excessive. It’s hard to keep your relevancy up or even stay up with consumption, let alone avoid all the bad shit that’s out there. Instagram is just the forefront of it all, you have all these fools trying to trend set and being super blatant about shit. Skatepark clips too, you have so many of them now and they’re so extreme. For me it’s like SoMa park footage, every time I see that on my feed I just scroll right past. You can only watch it so many times.

JC: We spoke on this subject a couple years ago, just on how approaches to social media use change over time. I used to think that posting a lot on Instagram, especially when I was trying to make my full-length videos, was a really good way to market myself, and my product. I think we can agree now that by posting less you’re actually making people care more. Unintentionally, by avoiding Instagram, you’re creating a bigger demand for your footage.

NG: It’s good to be mysterious. You definitely don’t have to put your personal life on the Internet. But if some lonely-ass kid in a small town with nobody to skate with or talk to about skating wants to use Instagram as a way to connect with skateboarding, I’d say that beats just being lonely and depressed. For the most part though, I just see people on there trying to glamourize their lives.

JC: Well said.

NG: I remember when you started deleting it off your phone to take breaks. I was wondering “Why would you even need to do that?” But now a couple years later I realize that you can start to depend on it as some source of pleasure.

JC: To wrap this up, who are your top five Seattle skaters?

NG: I mean, Cory Kennedy. He’s up there, he’s a hall of famer. I’d say Jordan Sanchez as well, I grew up admiring him, seeing him skate in Adidas and shit from the start of it all.

JC: The Campus Vulc?

NG: That shit just looked so sick. In terms of Seattle skate figures I always enjoyed dudes like Marshall (Reid) who seemed like they were in control of it all. He owned Manik and it seemed like the whole Manik vision came from him. I admire that. There’s also some kid I just heard about who’s on the come up right now. I think his last name is Gass?

JC: Never heard of him. (Laughs)

NG: He can skate, he’s kinda cool.

JC: One more.

NG: Brandon Taylor, he was super sick.

JC: How about Bay Area skaters?

NG: Chico is sick, 44 years young and still ripping. Al Davis if he’d stop getting hurt and skate more. Those dudes are older too, and with age comes responsibility. Also Drake Johnson, Jesse Vieira again, Matt Finley again, Simon Jensen too, he’s finally getting some shine.

JC: Last question: What’s going on with your knee?

NG: It’s fucked man. I partially tore my meniscus but I think there’s something else going on with it as well. After this third month of not skating it’s feeling pretty strong, but I’m getting a second opinion on it soon by another doctor who will hopefully tell me when I should be able to skate again. Right now they’re telling me it will be healed in another month.

JC: I’ve never known you to be a guy who takes much time off when you’re injured either. Usually you just push it the second you start feeling better.

NG: Ah, you know what? That reminds me, add Sean Greene to the list of my favorite Bay Area skaters. (Laughs) That dude is a fucking powerhouse. Fastest dude, best flatground, he’s not young either. 30 years old now, maybe 31. That whole GX crew is probably a lot older than people realize, San Francisco is a hard city to make it in if you’re not somewhat of a mature adult who can handle yourself. It’s an older city, for sure.

JC: Anything else?

NG: Well right now I’m fuckin’ unable to skate, so I’ve been looking forward to doing other things aside from skating. I think it’s so boring to be described as only a skateboarder, there’s more shit to do.

[thescarletbegonias]

A Memoir of How I Ended Up In A Vegas Hostel

So, worked at this super rich kid summer camp up in a mountain literally in the San Bernardino national forest. The job was sick the first week, lived with these Australian dudes who I became super good friends with and it was super cool. I was one of 30 Americans working at this camp, the other counselor were a majority from Australia and the U.K., most of the people were so cool and genuine. So this first week meeting everyone I sit next to this super cool and beautiful Australian girl who was from Melbourne. In all honest this girl highlighted my summer for me. Through all the fucked up stuff she’s been there and always been honest. So week 2 of staff training comes by and obviously I’m pursuing this dream girl “Wildcat”. (We all had to have nick names for some reason, mine was Totally)
So continuing a group of us we’re hanging out in a lounge area, everyone soon to go to bed for out staff curfew. Wildcat and I just kinda talked on a couch for the next few hours for me to find out she had/has kinda sticky situation a boyfriend back home. I was kind of prepared for that I mean obviously a super cool girl would have a boyfriend I don’t know why it struck me so hard but if we’re being honest, that made me want to go for her even more. The next night they take all of the staff out for an “American experience”. I had planned to go shopping with Wildcat at the mall for alittle bit after hitting the bar. At camp we had this competition where male counselor would dress up as females and play a role, very Drag. But we had done it and I had gotten third place during staff training. I wanted to fucking win, it was bragging rights but when we went shopping we just walked and talk the whole time. Later on that night camp had taken us to a baseball game. Beer was expensive but we were all trying to drink, all of us over 21. I got super super drunk to the point where I I lied to them that I was taking a shit due to my lateness. On the ride back I was very drunk and very drunkly telling her how I felt about her. She was always very subtle about how she felt. I mean honestly I feel dealing with my drunk ass could be very annoying. 
The next week was the first week campers were there, it was a good week for the most part, had a gnarly emotional break down from a child that broke my heart. But every Thursday we had a dance, unfortunately it was my night off but I told my kids they asked someone I would ask another counselor. One of my boys did ask a girl and got denied so I had to ask somebody. I felt so bad for the kid I went up to Wildcat and asked her to the dance, I gave her a quick no shake so she would turn me down and my kid would know I got denied too. She did, Wildcat was so clutch. 
As the weeks gone on Wildcat and I talked more and just hung out. We had a staff house that counselor could stay at on their nights off, it was about a mile and a half up hill from the local town. Their were so many nights that I took that walk up hill with her and it felt like a minute to get their just based of enjoyable conversations. I honestly liked her in a grade school sort of way, I was so nervous the first time I asked to hold her hand. There was one weekend at the beginning of summer that a lot of the nicer staff members went to a treacherous watering hole, I was planning on going with them. Made a crazy down hill climb to the watering hole. Only to within moments of mixing my Southern Comfort and tea together when I got a text from her saying she was showing up to the house. Everyone with a car was at the watering hole and had started drinking but I didn’t want her to be alone at the house so I started walking the few miles back. She luckily got dropped off in town, and we walked back to the watering hole with everyone leaving. We were there until sunset just talking about life. I really wanted to kiss her then but I was drunk and wanted my first kiss with her to be like the movies and shit. We made the 3 mile walk back to the house when about half way up the mountain I finally had balls to take hold of her hand, luckily she was about it.
We had shit jobs that we had to do at work, they were quite literally called SJs. That Sunday Wildcat and I had them together putting up these large signs up around camp. We talked for a bit but then she changed the subject to her relationship to this guy back home, how they aren’t together but they still talk and how it’s fair for me that she can’t commit. I told her in all reality I understand we may not work but I just enjoy spending time with you. I was kinda devastated and thought about giving up on her, that she was way out of my league and don’t understand how she could ever be about me. Some of the guys, Feta, Twizzler, EmCee, Thor, and Grasshopper told me to keep going for her. Liking her is something different, I really can’t explain it. 
So I continued to go after this wild cat of a person, get it? Play on words? Nah? Fair enough. I was just straight up with her and told her that I really like you and understand you can’t commit but I just like being with you.
Over the next few weeks we’d cuddle and sleep together but honestly that’s all I wanted, just amazing conversation with her. 
Midsummer we had a night off together and we just hung out it the staff house watching Netflix, it was getting pretty late and no onone was really there. She asked to change the channel to a surprise and that I needed to close my eyes. I’ve mentioned this before but let me clarify, she’s truly the coolest chick in the world. She knew I was super nerdy and have seen all of Naruto, and guess what she put on?! The first fucking episode of Naruto. It was so sick we just hung out there and watched about 3 episode before she told me she wanted to kiss me and we proceeded to make out to one of the sickest anime there are. 
Another thing about this girl we had weird traditions like on Chinese day in the dining hall for camp lunch we would always exchange and read each others fortune. I honestly at this point was so into this woman, literally everything I knew about her was so beautiful. So every week I was asking her to the dance on a bet with my kids, they just had to come up with creative ways to do it or ask someone themselves. Their was one week that all of my kids asked out all of her kids to the dance and they said yes. We lived in a desert area so it was find to find flowers, so my boys picked up rocks to bring to the girls while I was on a dedicated hunt for flowers. Unfortunately she was off that night so I kinda got stood up to the dance know she was off, she accepted the Flower and her kids to my kids rocks, then we like fine gentlemen escorted them to the dance.

Through out the summer their were some days during electives I would be free on my last period and see what other people were on. The first time I ever bedazzled was to hang out with Wildcat, and to be honest, I now know I’m shit at bedazzling.


2 weeks ago, the week was going great, good kids, shitty coe. The theme was about mythology, they split us up into 4 teams, I was in the Nordic. I was on the team with Wildcat and a few of my good dude friends. We literally just banged on buckets all day and made war cries, it was a good time. Now the shittiest part of the summer is about to come, honest both 2 parts. 
So WC had something to tell me, I knew it wasn’t good from the start. And honestly I didn’t hear the bad news from her, it was from one of my English friends that thought she had told me and broke the news that some fucked shit went down. I somewhat blame my self for kind of committing to an open sort of relationship, I guess I was kinda asking for it to happen. But, we had mandatory stay over that weekend. The one day I really wanted to drink, I was trapped at camp. The dude that broke the news to me, who i now think is a very fucking narcissistic guy who’s a goddamn dick, but he’s alright, offered to drink some rum with me to make things straight. So we went up the mountain off of camps property and drank a bottle of Sailor Jerrys, I was alittle intoxicated. We walk back down to where are cabin was and I missed a phone call from Wildcat. I called her back to see what’s up and she explained to me that she had an epiphany and really did like me. So we met at the end of the street that my cabins were on and we just layed behind a rock, her being super honest saying she fucked up and that she really is into me and we agreed on being an “exclusive” thing which I guess sounds cool but don’t really know that entails, though it sounds good. We laid behind that for for about 3 hours just talking, I honest miss those time of just being able to talk with her. The next week was my last at camp. We had off together on Monday and literally just talked and kissed behind the local pizza joint, me drinking SoCo and Tea and her just being her kind attractive self. It was decided that we have a “ship” name haha but our name was Totally wild. We walked up the mountain and just went to bed. Wednesday was my birthday, it was awesome, Wildcat came into my cabin bright and early in the morning blairing 22 by Taylor Swift a cool hat she painted stuff including my hockey team and a keystone with 717 for PA and also gave me and a sick Naruto shirt. One of the other chicks that Wildcat worked directly with let me use her car that night, WC and I drove to Target, had a great time, then picked up food for some of the people back on the mountain. We get back to the house and Wildcat fell asleep during the drive, I pull up to the house and see other cars. Here the main regret of the summer. Wildcat asked me to come inside and I said no, I’m going to the bar for my birthday! We showed up at the shit local bar, may I add their was only one bar. I go in, get pretty hammered and was asked if I wanted to go on a burncruise. I was drunk, I said hell yeah closed my tab, got into the car to find out we’re waiting for some super sus girl to come along with us. We dropped her off at the house then went to this super cool overlook of the city of San Bernardino. We hop out to smoke but it’s super windy so we just blaze 2 blunts in the car. We drink backed faded as hell, when we arrive I find this dope van in the drive way and a bunch of people chilling in it. It ended up on of the sick Aussie dudes got a van to travel the states! I climb in the van, cuddle with Wildcat are we just talk. We end up going to bed soon after to be woken up by the broadcast guy whose birthday was also on mine hammered filming for our news station KPAL. It was hilarious to say the least. So the next day went fine until the dance. Guess who my date to the dance had been? Wildcat.
So I show up to the dance in Halloween costume and start grooving, talking to Wildcat when the assistant director pulled me aside and said we needed to talk. He took me to the infirmary for a surprise drug test, apparently the car reaked, which I don’t believe we left the windows open all night and fabreezed. It was a mouth swab test, and I’m sure I would have passed. But I feel that I’m a straight up guy so I figured I would be in this situation, which was dumb of me. After the test was taken I told the assistant director I had smoked in the past but not on the date, he proceeded to thank me shake my hand and said they’d wait for the test results. 
So I returned to the dance, knowing I was probably going to be fired, the first person I saw was WC, she knew something was up the moment she saw me. Slowly the other guys I smoked with came over and we talked about onesie chances of passing, all of us confident but know there’s a small chance we could fail.
The next morning I said my goodbyes knowing I would probably be gone. The first person I was that morning was WC, she wanted me to keep my phone on me at all times so she could stay in the loop of what was happening. I said goodbye to all the counselor I was cool with. During specialty time, I was pulled aside by the assistant director saying I was most likely going to be fired this after noon, though I knew it was coming I still completely broke down after he left, tried to find a place to stay on the opposite side of the country. After lunch they called me in to a meeting, I was circled by all ways by bosses, and head counselors. One of the closest people I was into in the room just talked shit on me for the 5 minutes he spoke. They fired me by the end of the conversation. They didn’t wait for the drug test results. They just fired me. At this point I knew they were going to take me to my cabin to pack up and try to figure where I was going to go. I sent Wildcat a text saying I’d be up near my cabin. By the time they brought me up there she was waiting in the road. My last regret uponto this far was not walking over to her saying fuck all and giving her a proper goodbye. Instead I just listened not wanting to get her in trouble so I went into my cabin and packed my stuff. Knowing I wasn’t going back to Philly I figured I’d just pack a backpack and adventure. I went to the sales office to get my last paycheck and waited for 2 hours. I came to found out one of the guys I was smoking with was leaving also. We had no plan when we got asked where we wanted to go. So, our answer was the beach. A 2 hour drive later we were on Hermosa beach, staying at Surf City hostel which was so cool, right on the beach. So the reason we are waiting to go home is Vegas. All of the camp counselor go to Vegas at the end of the summer. More importantly Wildcat is going to Vegas. So we were at this sick hostel on the beach met abunch of cool people there. The first night I got a call from Wildcat which is so nice, I missed and still do miss taking to her. It’s nice to know that she misses me and wants to talk honestly. Things feel way more different after I’m not with her everyday and I like her more now. The idea of her, the thought, just thinking about her gorgeous smile and her attractive accent. We stayed at the beach for 4 nights, Hermosa is a sick beach town and the foreigners know how to party in the hostel then beach drink at night. The roof was unlocked most of the time it was nice to go up in the morning for a cigarette and coffee. 2 days ago we mad a bus trip from LA to Las Vegas, it was a long bus ride, the hostel were at now is okay but Surf City has definitely been the best. We’re about a half mile walk to the Fremont street experience, and a 50 foot walk from the liquor store. So, now it’s just waiting it out, doing Vegas, and see if the wait for Wildcat will prove to be something.
Honestly deep down, I don’t know how she feels, I understand we quite literally live on the opposite side of the word. Where in no regular occurrence in the world where I would ever cross paths with this person again. Little does she understand I want to walk on the same path, hand in hand. But I think our paths will separate in 12 Short days. She has a life away from my home. We live different lives. Life happens. She may find her self when traveling to England, or live her life out in France? Who am I to know, but honestly I’m giving myself a shot.