#n2n fan fiction

[natalie-goodmn]

I’m glad I’m getting back into N2N but every time I think of it I remember the cringey Natalie Henry fan fiction I wrote at 16 (unpublished) and it haunts me

[ginnyweatherby]

A World That Once Had Color

I don’t know where the theme for this story came from, I just sat down to write some Dan and Diana fluff and the rest followed.  It’s kind of long (about 3500 words), but if anyone is looking for a collection of little scenes between these two, I hope this is satisfactory.  If I had to put a summary on this fic it would probably be “Those weeks full of joy, then a moment of dread”.  Make of that what you will.

General angst warnings including the death of a child because well, it is Next to Normal, after all.  Tagging @panicatyourfandoms because they seemed interested.

Pink

Diana cursed under her breath, clutching the thin white stick tightly in her hand.  Pink.  It was pink, with two distinct lines taunting her through the tiny window.

Oh, she was going to kill Dan… scratch that, her parents would kill him first.

How could she let this happen?  How did this happen?  They were safe and protected, just as they always were.  They may have been young, drunk, and stupid, but they weren’t that stupid.

A knock on the door shook the fantasies of murdering her boyfriend in cold blood from her mind’s eye.  It was probably just her roommate forgetting her key again.

Diana tucked the stick in her pocket as she opened the door.  Dan.  Of course.  She’d forgotten they had plans tonight.

“Hey, sweetie,”  He leaned down and kissed her cheek, frowning when she didn’t greet him back.  “Di?  Everything okay?”

Diana froze.  She didn’t know what to say.  Everything was certainly not okay, but how was she supposed to tell him she was technically carrying his - their - child inside of her uterus?

Dan took her hands and led her over to her bed, sitting down beside her.  “Di, talk to me.  Something’s wrong, I can tell.”

Of course he could tell.  He could always tell.  She thought about lying, but he would be able to tell that too - not to mention, he would have to find out eventually.

“I’m pregnant,”  Diana said softly.  So softly she wasn’t sure she’d spoken at all.

But she must have, for Dan pulled his hands away as if he’d been burned.

This was it.  He was going to leave her.  He was going to yell at her, and call her names.  He was going to make her raise this baby all on her own, blame her for ruining his life.  She was going to end up a poor, homeless, single mother, begging for food on the streets while he -

“Diana!”

She blinked.  Dan was staring at her again, but he didn’t look angry.  In fact, there was a soft kindness to his eyes that she hadn’t been expecting.

“Diana, I asked if you felt alright,”  He said, pulling her hands back into his lap.

“Oh, fine,”  Diana said.  “A little nauseous, but I don’t know if that’s the baby or the chicken salad I had for lunch.”

“Baby,”  Dan muttered, shaking his head a little.  “A baby.  We’re having a baby!”

“We?”  Diana looked up at him, surprised.  He wasn’t leaving?

“Of course ‘we,”  Dan said, the corners of his mouth turning up into that crooked smile of his that she loved so much.  “You didn’t think I would make you do this alone did you?”

“Well, actually…”

“Diana, I love you,”  Dan said, firmly.  “Maybe this baby… No, I know this baby is some sort of a sign that we’re meant to be together.  This is a good thing!”

“What are you talking about?”

“I think we should get married,”  Dan said, falling to kneel in front of her.  “I might not have a ring - or the means to afford one - but I love you, Diana.  Marry me?”

Diana wasn’t sure what made her do it, but she heard herself say yes.

Blush

Ever since she was a young girl, Diana imagined what her wedding day would be like, but what girl didn’t?

She was going to be a beautiful bride, in a long white dress with lace sleeves, and a veil that reached her lower back.  She would have baby’s breath in her hair and shoes so tall she could barely walk.

She never anticipated she would be standing in the bathroom of a seedy Portland chapel, donning a blush colored dress she’d bought on a clearance rack that barely reached her knees, and was obviously tight around her swollen abdomen.

“Di, honey?”  Dan cracked open the door, peeking in.  It was the ladies’ room, but she didn’t care.  It wasn’t as if anyone else was in there anyway.  “Are you nearly ready?”

“I’ll be right there,”  She brushed off the front of her dress and took one final look at herself.  Not bad.  She straightened the small white flower in her hair and forced a smile onto her face.  She was going to be happy today.  She was getting married.

She walked out of the bathroom and Dan grinned at her.

“You look beautiful,”  He said, taking her hand in his own.

“Not so bad yourself,”  She wasn’t lying, for someone with hardly a penny to his name, he cleaned up quite nicely in a gray suit and a tie that matched her dress.

“Shall we?”  He offered her an elbow and she took it.  It was now or never.

“I can’t believe I’m marrying the most beautiful girl in the world,”  Dan said, and there was a definite pep to his step.

Diana didn’t respond, but she was almost certain she was blushing.

Red

“Keep them closed.”

“Dan, this is ridiculous!”

“Just a little further…”  Dan steadied her shoulders as Diana hobbled along, blindfolded.  He was insisting whatever surprise he had in store was worth the stubbed toe she’d received from the stray stone he didn’t warn her about.

“Okay… nearly there aaand…”  Dan wrapped his arms around her waist from behind, resting his head on her shoulder.  “Open!”

Diana pulled the blindfold from her eyes and blinked in the sunlight.  “Where are we, Dan?”

“Welcome home, love,”  He kissed her cheek before waving a set of keys in front of her nose.

She looked up to see a small house, with crumbling cream colored siding and a roof that was missing a few shingles.  The driveway had a pothole that looked as though it could pop a tire, and the grass had more brown patches in it than green.

It was horrible, but Dan’s smile was so wide, she didn’t dare tell him so.

“It’s not much, I know,”  Dan said, taking her hand and leading her up the front stoop.  “But I figure we can fix it up a little and it’ll be a nice home for Baby.”  He reached down and patted her ever growing middle.

Speaking of Baby, her feet were aching so badly she would kill to sit down.  She hoped her darling husband had thought ahead far enough to buy some sort of furniture.

“Would you like to do the honors?”  Dan offered her the key, and she clasped in her palm.  This was her home now.  She supposed she would learn to like it.  What other choice did she have?

She took another good look and realized it wasn’t so bad.  Once she got ahold of a bucket of paint and some decent curtains, it would make a fine home, both for the baby and for themselves.

And if nothing else, she really loved that red door.

Blue

“You did it, Di,”  Dan’s voice was soft and hushed, as if he were afraid to speak any louder.  “You did it.”

Diana blinked up at him, her eyes wet and weary.  “I did it.”

“You did,”  A nurse said, placing a delicate bundle into her arms.  “Like a pro, at that.  Congratulations.”

Diana could barely believe her eyes.  In her arms laid the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.  More beautiful than the sun in the sky, than the rainbows after a good storm, than the sunflowers in the vase to her right.

Her son.

“Hello, love,”  She whispered, and she suddenly realized why Dan’s voice was so quiet.  She felt as though her normal volume would break this precious being in her arms.

“He’s perfect,”  She murmured, as Dan scooted beside her on the bed, kissing her temple and softly touching the baby’s gauzy striped hat.

“Takes after you, then,”  Dan said, and Diana could hear the proud smile in his voice.

Just then, the baby let out a little yawn, his face scrunching up into the cutest contortions.

“Someone has had a big day,”  Dan chuckled.

“Yeah, Mommy,”  Diana teased, fatigue settling in.  The word “mommy” felt so foreign, yet nice against her lips.  That was her!  She was Mommy!

The baby blew a little bubble of spit as his response, his eyelids slowly opening to reveal eyes of the most beautiful shade of blue.  Somewhere between the ocean and the night sky.

“Rest now, love,”  Dan carefully lifted the baby into his arms, holding him against his shoulder with natural-born expertise.  “I’ve got him for now.”

Yellow

Squeak, squeak!

The sound of the yellow rubber duck was disturbingly high-pitched, obnoxious, and made Diana’s skin crawl.

Squeak, squeak!

“I really hate that thing,”  Dan commented as he walked into the room, placing a towel on the counter-top.

Diana laughed.  It was as if he read her thoughts.  Ever since the baby came they seemed closer than ever.  It was as if their lives had finally fallen perfectly into place and she’d never felt happier.

Squeak, squeak!

“I see what you mean,”  Diana said, squeezing the toy again, much to the delight of the tiny boy who was bathing in the kitchen sink.  Too big for the baby bath but still too small for the bathtub, Dan’s mother had made the suggestion to use the sink.  Diana was appalled at first, but after a good, thorough scrubbing, she finally felt it was a safe place for her child’s soft skin and delicate behind.

Gabriel reached out to grab the duck himself, immediately stuffing it into his mouth.  He’s teething, Diana thought.  Getting so big, already.

Squeak, squeak!

“You, my friend, need to pick a less annoying toy,”  Dan scooped the baby from the sink, kissing his damp cheek, wrapping his small body in the towel.

Squeak, squeak!

“That’s what he thinks of that,”  Diana snorted, pulling the plug from the sink, watching as the water swirled down the drain.

“I guess that means it’s bedtime for our little man, hmm?”  Dan said, gently removing the duck from Gabriel’s hands, much to the boy’s chagrin.  “Come on, you don’t need to sleep with that old thing.”

Gabriel continued to fuss until Diana handed him the toy, his face instantly breaking out into a gummy grin.

Squeak, squeak!

“You, my love, are a complete and utter pushover,”  Dan said, shaking his head, while Diana just smiled, kissing the baby’s wet hair.

Raspberry

Diana leaned against the doorframe as she stepped into the living room, staying silent as she watched the sweet scene in front of her.

“Little pig, little pig, let me in!”  Dan boomed, bouncing Gabriel on his knee, holding a picture book open with his opposite hand.  “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”  He added, throwing his voice into a higher pitch.

Gabriel chewed on his hands, gurgling.

“Then I’ll huff… and I’ll puff… and I’ll blooow this house down!”  Dan said, blowing in the baby’s face, causing a round of giggles that brought an instant smile to Diana’s face.

“Daddy makes a good wolf doesn’t he?”  She said, sliding fully into the room, sitting on the floor beside Dan’s knee, ticking Gabriel’s belly.

Gabriel made a face as if he was blowing, and his parents grinned.

“Smart boy!”  Diana cheered, blowing on Gabriel’s hair, causing it to stand on end.  “Blooow this house down!”

Gabriel giggled, as Dan lifted him up and blew a raspberry into his belly.

“We’ve got one cute kid, you know that?”  Dan commented, before blowing another.

“I have to agree,”  Diana said, tickling Gabriel’s toes.  “I think we really lucked out with this one.”

Gabriel responded by blowing a raspberry of his own, causing not only himself to giggle, but both of his parents as well.

Green

“Honey, you need to sleep too,”  Dan gently pried the fussing baby from Diana’s grasp.  “You’ve hardly slept in days.”

“I can’t sleep when he cries like that,”  Diana said, picking up a little green teddy bear and dancing it in front of Gabriel’s reddened face.

“I know but -”

“Dan, something’s wrong, I can tell,”  Diana said, and left no room for argument as she took the baby back into her arms, still attempting to distract him with the bear.

“You heard the doctor, Di,”  Dan said, softly, as he gently wrapped an arm around her shoulder.  “It’s allergy season, he’s probably just uncomfortable.  You know how bad mine get this time of year.”

Diana shrugged him off as she rocked the baby in her arms, his cries muffled by her nightgown.  “I don’t believe them.”

“They’re the doctors, Di!”

“And I’m his mother!”  Diana shouted, causing Gabriel to cry even louder.  She took a deep breath and kissed the baby’s head.  He felt warm, but only slightly.  He was still teething, and her mother informed her that could spike a fever.  She prayed that’s all it was.  “This is more than just allergies, I know it is.”

Dan sighed, dragging his hand across his face.  “Fine.  We’ll take him in tomorrow.  Maybe… maybe we could get a referral for some sort of specialist or something.”

“Thank you,”  Diana said, quietly.  “Now, go back to bed.  I can handle it from here.”

Dan didn’t reply.  He simply leaned over and kissed her forehead so lightly she barely felt it, and headed back to their bedroom.

Black

Something wasn’t right.  She could tell.  Call it mother’s intuition, or luck, or sheer coincidence, but she knew.

She bolted out of bed so fast she nearly tripped, and ran straight for Gabriel’s nursery.  He was crying, which was nothing new… but this was a different cry.  This was a pained cry.  This was the sound of her baby begging for help.

“I’m here, sweetheart,”  Diana cooed, as she lifted Gabriel into her arms, holding him tightly against her shoulder.  “Mommy’s here now.”  She kissed his head, and was horrified to notice his fever had spiked even higher than before.

She wandered in circles over the shag carpet on the floor calling out to Dan for assistance.

“Shh, honey, it’s alright,”  Diana could hear the uncertainty in her own voice.  She didn’t know what to do.  She felt lost, trapped, confused.  This wasn’t the cry he used when he was hungry - in fact, he refused when she tried to bring him close to her chest to feed - , and he wasn’t wet.

“Dan!”  She called again.  She was certain that man could sleep through a car crashing through their bedroom window.

Gabriel let out a funny grunting noise, and she held him closer still as Dan drowsily entered the room.  “Di?”

“Something’s wrong,”  Diana said, unable to stop the tears from flowing down her cheeks.  “Very wrong.”

Dan rubbed his eyes, obviously not fully awake.  But he needed to be awake, damn it!  Their baby was sick!

“Dan!”  Diana practically yelled, her voice sounding more desperate as time went on.

Gabriel’s cries echoed against the walls, causing an ear-splitting sound until - 

“Gabe?”  Diana’s voice was soft and hoarse.

“What happened?”  Dan’s eyes were wide and alert now.  “Why’d he stop?”

“We have to go,”  Diana said, urgently.

Dan nodded, and they ran to the car, only stopping briefly for Diana to throw her black coat over her nightgown.

Tangerine

Dan crawled into bed beside Diana, but didn’t touch her as she nuzzled Gabriel’s baby blanket close to her face.

She didn’t blame him.  She knew she looked a right mess, she’d hardly left bed in over a week (she’d lost track of the days), only daring to leave to use the toilet.  Her hair was unwashed and unbrushed, she was certain her teeth had grown a new type of bacteria scientists could study, and she was so dehydrated from crying that her lips were cracked and red.

“Di, sweetie, I brought you some tea,”  Dan said, softly, gesturing toward her nightstand, where there were already two cups of abandoned tea, and three stale coffees.  “And a tangerine.  You need to eat something.”

“I hate tangerines… and I don’t want any damn tea,”  Diana said, startled by how raspy her voice sounded from disuse.  “I want my baby.”

Dan sighed.  “Diana… I know, believe me I do, but…”

“But what, Dan?”  Diana spat.  She was angry.  Not at her husband really, but he was the only one there to listen.  She was angry at herself, at the world, at whatever deity had caused this heartbreak in her life.  Heartbreak so painful and strong that it knocked the wind from her lungs and never fully returned.

“There’s nothing we can do about that now,”  Dan said, attempting to sound gentle, but to Diana’s ears sounded patronizing.  “Nothing we can do for him now.”

“I’m a terrible mother,”  Diana muttered, her anger fading away as fast as it appeared.  It seemed to come in waves, emotions did.  It was as if she had no control over herself anymore.  One moment she was sobbing bucketfuls into her pillow, the next she was throwing picture frames against the wall just to watch them shatter.

“No, you’re not,”  Dan said, but she didn’t believe him.  He would say whatever he thought she wanted to hear.  But he couldn’t tell her what she truly wanted to hear.  It would be a lie, and Dan was a terrible liar.

It’s not like she would believe him anyway.

All she wanted to hear was that it was all a big mistake.  A cruel practical joke.  That her baby was actually alive and well, and she could hold him again.

What she wouldn’t give to hold him again, even for a minute.

Diana buried her nose further into the blanket, staring at Dan’s precious cup of tea until the steam stopped rising and it grew just as cold as the rest.

Rainbow

Dan wasn’t happy with her.

It wasn’t the first time, of course.  She had done plenty of things to cause havoc in his life, but she had never seen him so upset before.

“She’s our daughter, Diana, you’re going to have to hold her eventually!”  His voice was tense, as if it took everything in him to keep his emotions under control.  The bags under his eyes seemed darker as his face reddened, and he was pacing grooves into the tile flooring.

“I…”  Diana didn’t know what to say.  It wasn’t as if she didn’t want to hold her new baby, because she did!  She wanted nothing more than to take that beautiful baby girl into her arms and hold her as tightly as she could, and kiss her cheeks while singing half forgotten lullabies… but something was holding her back.  It was as if she had an invisible vice holding her arms in place, keeping her from holding her newborn daughter.

“Come on, it’s time to go,”  Dan muttered, as a nurse walked into the room, a wheelchair in her hands.

“I’m sure you’re excited to get that baby home, hmm?”  The nurse either hadn’t heard the couple’s argument, or chose to ignore it.  Diana supposed she’d heard plenty of things in her time in the maternity ward.

“I know I can’t,”  Dan said, pointedly.  Diana looked down at her hands.

“Alright, Mom, I know it feels silly being wheeled out of here, but it’s hospital policy,”  The nurse helped Diana into the chair, before picking the baby up from the bassinet.

“Oh, I can take -”  Dan began, but before he could finish, the nurse plopped the pink bundle into Diana’s arms.

Diana froze.  She couldn’t move, she couldn’t speak, she couldn’t breathe.  The vice was back, and stronger than ever.

“Mrs. Goodman, are you ready to go now?”

Diana didn’t - couldn’t - reply.

Dan’s eyes softened, and he knelt down in front of Diana’s chair.  “Sweetheart, you can do this.”

Diana shook her head, the most movement she felt she could handle at the moment.

Dan rubbed up and down her arms, and it seemed to alleviate some of the tingling numbness coursing through them.  “Isn’t she beautiful?”

Diana finally took a good look at the baby in her arms.  She’d hardly allowed herself to even look at her daughter since they first plopped her onto her chest immediately after birth.  “She is.”

And she was.  She had dark curls covering the top of her head, deep brown eyes, and chubby cheeks the color of roses.  She looked a lot like Dan, but something about her nose was similar to Diana’s.

“It’s okay,”  Dan murmured, stroking the baby’s hair while Diana slowly adjusted her into a more comfortable position.  “You’ve got her.”

The baby let out a little fussy noise, and Diana stiffened.  This isn’t the same, she told herself.  This isn’t like before.

“That’s right, Natalie,”  Dan cooed, touching the baby’s tiny fingers.  “Mommy’s got you… you love Mommy, don’t you?”

Diana didn’t see how, as her mommy had hardly anything to do with her in her few days of life.

But Natalie seemed to agree with her father, for she let out a soft sigh, and snuggled deeper into Diana’s embrace.

“Let’s go home,”  Dan patted Diana’s knee before standing to his full height, taking the handles of her wheelchair and steering them toward the door.

Diana could hardly take her eyes off of Natalie the entire ride home.

[ginnyweatherby]

How Could I Ever Forget?

So I don't expect anyone to read this since I'm a decade too late, but I've become absolutely obsessed with Next to Normal lately, and since I've been neglecting my writing, I had to get this on paper while inspiration struck.

About 950 words of Dan's musings, because I find him to be an interesting character, and I believe that despite everything, he truly does love Diana. Takes place somewhere between Better Than Before and I Don't Know (Reprise)

Dan rolled over with a frustrated groan.  He'd hardly slept in weeks and it was really beginning to take its toll.

He opened his eyes and stared at the empty bed beside him.  Diana wasn't there once again.

… but why would she be?  She hardly knew him anymore.

In the weeks following her procedure (that damned procedure), he'd found her asleep in the guest room, on the couch, or most frequently (and where he suspected she was now), asleep against the kitchen table, stacks upon stacks of photographs piled up beside her.

She was working so hard to remember.

He'd never meant for this to happen.  He'd never meant for her to lose nineteen years of her life.

Their life.

Abandoning the idea of sleep, he threw his legs off the bed and padded to the closet, reaching to the back of the highest shelf to retrieve a box he purposely hadn't touched in months.  Years? Time didn't make sense anymore.

The box was covered in enough dust to make Diana faint, the black Sharpie lettering on the outside faded into a dull gray.

(It seemed as though the entire world was dull gray these days.)

He glanced to the door to make sure Diana wasn't around, before reaching into the box.

There he was.

Pictures of a grinning baby boy, of a sleeping baby boy, of a crying baby boy, of the sweetest, most precious gift Dan had ever been given.

His baby boy.

Beside the pictures were a few bottles, a rattle, a stuffed penguin, two pacifiers, and the picture book Dan used to read every night.

Under ordinary circumstances, they would have been the dust collectors of an overly sentimental father… but to him, they were the only reminders he had left of a life that never truly got to live.

How could he take those reminders from Diana?  How could he?

… But how could he tell her either?  It would break her. It would send her back to the beginning of the mess they had only just begun to clear away.

Dan could hear Natalie moving around her room.  It seemed he wasn't the only one unable to sleep.

He wiped away a stray tear, quietly returning the box to its proper place in the closet, before walking down to the kitchen - where just as he'd guessed, he found his sleeping wife, a photo stuck to her cheek against the table.

"Oh, Di,"  He muttered, gently prying the picture from her face.  It was a wedding photo.

It may have been raining, and it may have been Portland, but she really was a sight to see.  If Diana looked closely at the picture, she may have noticed the tiny baby bump beneath the cream-colored dress she'd bought on clearance at the department store the night before.  Her hair was tied up in a loose bun, with little white flowers peeking out. She was lovely.

Dan peered down at the current Diana, snoring softly, a picture of Natalie as a toddler clutched tightly in her hand.  She had gray hairs now and lines around her eyes and mouth, but when her face was softened with sleep, he could still see that girl with flowers in her hair.

She was still a sight to see.  At least to him.

He bent down and wrapped his arms securely around her, lifting her up and holding her against his chest.

She was so thin these days, but whether that was from medication, stress, or lack of appetite he couldn't be sure.  He didn't like to think about it.

His knees creaked as he stood to his full height (Diana wasn't the only one getting older, he supposed), and carried her up the stairs, something he hadn't done in years.

He contemplated putting her in the guest room, but he wanted her close tonight.  They may have lived in the same house, but he missed her terribly.

He gently placed her in the bed, pulling the quilt over her shoulders, just how she liked it.

He climbed in beside her and watched as a small strand of hair rose and fell against her lips with each breath.

When she was asleep, while her face relaxed, Dan knew her mind never quieted.

She had always been a fitful sleeper, tossing and turning throughout the night, snoring, muttering, often times waking up with nightmares that haunted her for days afterward.

He wondered what it was like to live with a mind that fought you every moment of your life.  With a mind that even the sweet relief of unconsciousness wouldn't settle.

His wife was braver than she was given credit for.

He placed a kiss against her forehead, smiling as she began to mutter in her sleep, just as she used to.

She rolled over, instinctively curling herself against Dan's side, muttering about groceries, swim meets, and squashed cats.  All things Natalie had told her a few nights ago.

Dan - feeling much more relaxed with Diana at his side - was almost asleep himself, when he heard her murmur something else.  Something Natalie hadn't mentioned.

Something Natalie hardly ever mentioned.

A name crossed Diana's lips.  A name Dan hadn't spoken in quite some time.

A name he never wanted to remember, but never wanted to forget.

A name that proved his wife's memories were still there, even if they were locked away and hidden even from herself.

"It's alright, Love, shh,"  Dan whispered, running a hand down her back, just like he used to when she would have dreams about him.

On a normal night, he wished that name would leave her alone and allow her rest, but tonight... he was thankful for it.