#n0 reb@ling

[anotherdayforchaosfay]

Was hoping today would be better than yesterday. It ain't. So far, it's looking to be worse.

I need a good day. I need something positive to happen today.

But nope.

It's only 1PM.

*insert me screaming*

No, I'm not up for talking about it here. This isn't a discussion. Not by a longshot.

I need the week to improve from this point.

[anotherdayforchaosfay]

That moment when the edible starts to kick in and you can feel the metaphorical breeze ahead of the metaphorical brick that's about to hit. Because that's what it's like when the effects start kicking in. You'll be having a regular conversant and suddenly your body starts to feel carbonated. The munchies are hitting like you haven't had anything to eat in days and damn near anything sounds good.

Nothing subtle about edibles. You go from ordinary to a hungry thing made of heavy bubbles in the span of two blinks.

Oh, yeah, I'm feeling gooood. My eyeballs are made of champagne bubbles and my body isn't in pain. Faaaaaannntastic!

But to keep my munchies in check, I cut myself off of the snacks. Heartburn isn't fun. All I had to do was brush my teeth and use my ACT Bubblegum mouthwash. The taste means Do Not Eat and is hardwired into my brain. Tomorrow i'm giving myself the day off from sewing because my back hurts. My sewing chair is a classic folding metal chair with a thin built-in cushion. My parents gave it to me when they replaced my plastic desk with a grown up desk when I was 9/10 years old. That was almost 30 years ago. I need a new chair. My body huuuurrrrrrts because of it. But I can't buy a chair.

Why?

We need to replace all four tires on the car, which will cost around $900. They're bald and need to be replaced next month at the latest.

We need to finish paying off Jasper's vet bill, which is still monstrously high. Both cats are also due for their annual vaccinations. That's another $250.

Next, I need pay my mom back. She helped us when we were folks over November and December. That's another $300.

Before we moved, I check out a few chairs at an office store and found one i like. It's $250. Not cheap, but it's one I can sit in for hours at a time and several days work in a row without being in pain.

Priorities. Don't bring up the edibles. This is $40 for 50 gummies at 12.5 mg THC and 12.5 mg CBD. They treat my pain, insomnia, and anxiety, making it possible for me to sleep. I otherwise go 30-48 hours without sleep, crashing only from exhaustion. That's baaaaaad, not an achievement. The longest I went was 7 days. I don't remember after day 3 and my roommate had to dose me with benadryl then take me to the ER for the inevitable seizures. Seizures triggered by sleep deprivation. I was an in-patient for two nights. I hate sleep deprivation. It fucks me up so much. But sleep aids freak me out. I was on Ambien for a week at my doctor's insistence. Hallucinations every night within minutes of taking it. Got stuck in a mirror and thought I was talking to a faery queen made of sticks and moss. The mirror had footprints and handprints all over it when I woke up. Sleep paralysis twice and saw the apartment burning in green flames. The final dose that officially made me swear off this med was sleep sex. The last thing I remember is my husband glowing in the dark (he wasn't) and nothing else. I roofied myself.

I'm rambling.

Anyway, in this moment I'm feeling great, gonna go to bed in a minute and sleep all night. Wake up feeling well rested and will be taking a day off sewing. Gonna spend it filing taxes, complete my half of postcard swaps on swap-bot.com, fold foundation paper piecing patterns for the frog block I'll make before the weekend is over and possibly pick out fabric for it. This will look sooooo cool.

Okay, off to bed. Please don't reblog this. It's a more personal post and input isn't anything I'm asking for. If you wanna help, go to my profile and click my ko-fi link.

Now I'm going to bed. Goodnight!