#n the rest of the livers also seem lovely n i wish them the best too🥺💖

[chisungie]

.

[mcntsee]

— ★ tomorrow

↳ summary: “I wasted all those yesterdays, and now,—“ His words trailed off with a sigh, his eyes red-rimmed from hours of tears shed in the hospital, his gaze blurry as it searched for her face, “—What if I am completely out of tomorrows?”

↳ warnings: hospitals, mentions of gunshot wounds, pain, regret, not proof-read. No use of “y/n”

↳ author’s note: This is fluff, I promise the end is really sweet! This is also inspired by different, random, pinterest quotes my friends sent me. Enjoy!

* ੈ✩‧₊˚

No one enjoyed hospitals. The colors lacked vibrancy, the sounds became repetitive after a few minutes, the antiseptic smell was overpowering, the food tasted bland, and the anxious wait for news about a loved one was excruciating.

Unfortunately, the team was all too familiar with hospital waiting rooms, and even more unfortunate was their familiarity with being patients themselves.

Thankfully, the Federal Employees' Compensation Act provided some relief. Without it, they couldn't even begin to fathom the astronomical medical bills they'd be facing.

Tonight, however, finding themselves stuck in the uncomfortable chairs of the hospital waiting room had not been part of their plans.

The young genius's head throbbed relentlessly, a sensation he'd endured for weeks. The unimaginable pressure around his entire head, compounded with the bright light reflecting off the hospital's shiny white walls, the incessant beeping and the sounds of loved ones crying doing nothing other than intensify his discomfort.

The nurse they had bombarded with questions upon arrival had emerged not long ago to thankfully inform them that everything was alright. The surgery had gone well, and she was now in recovery. Soon enough, if they wished, they could stop by her new temporary room and visit her.

By now, most of the team had returned to the office. Hotch had been called back to work to tackle the pending files on their desks. Fortunately, he had allowed Rossi and Reid to remain behind. Ostensibly, their task was to update the team on her condition, but both of them understood that even if that hadn’t been necessary, there was no force on earth that could have budged Spencer from his spot, where he had been stationed for the last however many hours.

Spencer could feel David's gaze piercing through him. He wanted to snap at him, but he knew his current behavior had undoubtedly attracted more attention than just the older agent's. Clutching at his head, tugging on strands of hair intermittently, his leg bouncing up and down, with eyes tightly shut—his agitation was palpable.

“Kid, they said she’s alright. You need to relax.”

It was true, they had been told that, but it did little to reassure him. His mind raced through various worst-case scenarios. Her wound could become infected, or there might be undetected damage to internal organs. He fretted over potential complications like inflammation of the peritoneum, the formation of blood clots, or even damage to blood vessels leading to reduced blood flow to vital organs, potentially resulting in organ dysfunction or failure.

“The survival rate might seem high, but statistically speaking, complications can arise, even with the best medical care.”

“Spencer—“

“For instance, studies have shown that gunshot wounds to the abdomen carry a significant risk of infection, with rates as high as 20%. And there’s the possibility of peritonitis, which occurs in approximately 10% of cases.”

“Kid—“

“Organ damage is also a concern, particularly with injuries to vital organs like the liver or intestines. Even with the most advanced treatments—“

“Reid!”

For the first time since he sat down, his leg ceased its relentless movement. His hand, which had been tugging at the ends of his hair, relaxed and dropped to his lap, along with the hand he had been waving in the air to explain the statistics. His eyes unclenched, the worry in his brow disappearing as the rest of his facial muscles relaxed.

“What is going on, Spencer?”

The genius's eyes met the older agent's worried gaze with deliberate blinks, adjusting to the harsh fluorescent lights overhead while tuning out the cacophony of noise that surrounded them. “I just— I”

“I never told her and I— I don’t— “ His breathing was uneven, his words tumbling out faster than his mind could keep pace, his mouth struggling to articulate as his chest constricted with anxiety.

A gentle weight settled on his shoulder, its warmth grounding him as it gave a light shake, bringing him back to the present moment and prompting him to pause and take a breath.

“Rossi I- I devoted half my time since meeting her to loving her, only to spend the other half hiding it from her.”

With a sigh, the formerly retired agent settled down next to the much younger agent, his hands staying on the genius's shoulder as he shifted slightly to find a comfortable position.

Reid's gaze lingered on Rossi's face for a moment before he averted it, focusing instead on the bustling activity in the hallway where nurses and doctors hurried back and forth attending to patients.

“Every moment we shared, every laugh, every smile she graced me with, even in her unconscious gestures—“ His gaze returned to the hallway momentarily before lowering to where his hands rested on his knees. With a quick, almost imperceptible shake of his head, he cleared his throat. “Every time I looked at her, the words swelled in my throat. I longed to tell her how much she truly means to me, the happiness and peace she effortlessly brings into my world.”

“To tell her that I love her. That I have for a while now.”

David’s mouth opened, but before he could utter a word, Spencer's pointer finger shot up in the air, silencing any impending speech. It hovered there for a brief moment before his whole palm opened, effectively halting whatever words David had intended to say and then dropping back down to his lap.

“Every single time, I held back. I stopped myself from reaching out to her, from letting my true feelings spill out, from whispering all the things I desperately wished she knew.” His words cracked along with his voice as he, for the first time, admitted aloud feelings he had hidden for so long. “And with my heart pounding in my ears, I always just watched her, silently promising myself, ‘Tomorrow. I’ll tell her tomorrow.’”

“I wasted all those yesterdays, and now,—“ His words trailed off with a sigh that escaped his lips, his eyes red-rimmed from hours of tears shed in the hospital, his gaze blurry as it searched for the older man’s face, “—What if I am completely out of tomorrows?”

They sat in silence for a moment, the weight of Spencer's admission hanging between them until the ringing of a phone shattered the stillness. With a sigh, Rossi reached into his pocket, retrieving the vibrating phone and glancing at the contact name.

“She’ll be okay, kid.”

With one final, reassuring squeeze to his shoulder, the older man rose to his feet, his knee cracking audibly as he turned to leave. Despite his efforts at reassurance, Spencer's profound anxiety remained largely unchanged.

He felt utterly helpless, his mind desperately grasping for solutions, for the comforting embrace of statistical analysis with its reassuring numbers. But instead, there was only silence. For the first time in his life, his mind was empty, devoid of answers, devoid of the usual cacophony of thoughts and calculations.

He couldn't recall the moment the nurse returned to inform him that he could visit her, nor did he remember following the nurse into the room and settling down beside her bed.

He cast restless glances around the room, his eyes darting from one piece of medical equipment to another, then flitting to the walls and ceiling. His gaze moved incessantly, pausing only briefly before moving on, taking in every detail. Except for her.

Alone in the quiet with her, he couldn't bring himself to meet her frame. To look at her now would make everything feel too real, and his heart was already heavy with pain.

His body felt like it was betraying him. Breathing became labored, thoughts fragmented, and the pain in his heart seemed insurmountable.

He wanted to tell someone— no, he wanted to tell her, but he knew she wouldn’t have a solution like she always did. So he sat there, his hands nervously tugging at strands of hair, eyes squeezed shut against the overwhelming cacophony of beeping machines surrounding them.

His heart weighed heavily in his chest, burdened by the weight of pain, regret, and fear. It was a sensation he never wanted to experience again, a darkness that threatened to engulf him entirely.

Throughout the night, nurses came and went. Some spoke to him, gave him updates on her condition but he didn’t listen. He tried, he just couldn’t understand it.

As the first light of dawn crept over the horizon, he reluctantly turned his gaze toward her bed. His eyes lingered on her hand, once so delicate and warm in his, now adorned with tubes and wires connecting her to different machines.

With a heavy sigh, his eyes remained fixed on her hand as he leaned forward, feeling the strain in his back from hours of immobility. With gentle care, he reached out and clasped her hand in his, his thumb tracing soothing circles over the back of it, mindful of the wires and tubes.

He remained still for a moment, relishing the warmth of her hand in his before allowing his gaze to travel up her arm, eyes tracing the patterns of the thin, cream-colored blanket that draped over her midsection when they got there. Then, his gaze shifted to her other arm, positioned protectively over her stomach where the wound lay, as if guarding it from further harm.

He studied the blue hospital gown draped over her body, its hue accentuating the sickly paleness of her skin. He traced every curve, every wrinkle, every wire, everything until his eyes finally met her bruised face.

She looked so peaceful and beautiful, devoid of worry. The furrows that typically marked her brow now absent, her closed eyes darting beneath her lids.

Tears welled in his eyes, the overwhelming emotions washing over him as he gazed upon her form. There was no smile, no gentle words escaping her lips, just a faintly parted mouth and serene countenance.

“Please wake up.” he whispered, his voice raspy from not being used in hours. “Please.” The desperation in his voice was evident in the way it cracked, in the way his chest tightened, in the way his throat constricted.

But she didn’t. Not for two weeks.

The medics reassured the team that she was showing positive signs and was going to be fine. They explained that in cases of severe internal bleeding within the abdominal cavity, it was common for patients to take longer to regain consciousness. "Sometimes, this can lead to hypovolemic shock and reduced blood flow to vital organs, including the brain," said the doctor they were currently questioning, one arm cradling a notepad against his chest while the other gestured towards her on the hospital bed, "which contributes to the prolonged unconsciousness she's experiencing."

Once the team's questions were answered, the doctor turned towards the door, his pen moving rapidly across the notepad as he scribbled something down. Upon reaching the door, he paused, pivoting back to face them. "While I can't predict the exact timeline for her awakening, I want to reassure you that we're doing everything we can to support her recovery." Tucking his pen back into his chest pocket, he scanned the room, meeting each person's gaze before lingering on on the genius’.

"Every individual responds differently to trauma and surgery, and it's not uncommon for patients to take some time to regain consciousness," he said, his tone gentle and reassuring, his kind smile directed at Spencer. "However, I want to emphasize that she's showing positive signs of progress, and her body is responding well to treatment. She should be waking up soon." With a final nod in the genius’ direction, he opened the door and disappeared into the flow of medical staff and patients outside her room.

The doctor's reassuring words and comforting demeanor provided Spencer with a small sense of relief.

As the days stretched on, nearing the two-week mark since her surgery, Spencer's exhaustion was becoming more evident. Dark circles underlined his eyes, his hair unkempt, and he felt the weight of fatigue settling into his bones. Sitting by her bedside day after day had taken its toll, leaving him feeling drained and with a sore backside.

It wasn’t until night, when he was alone with her again that he made a promise. “If you wake up tomorrow, I promise—“ He delicately released her hand, curling his fingers into a fist before extending his pinky finger to link with hers. “I pinky promise,” he whispered, a soft, trembling laugh escaping his lips as he recalled her insistence that a promise was only truly binding if sealed with a pinky. “If you wake up tomorrow, I’ll tell you everything.”

He had made up his mind days ago, swearing to himself that the moment she regained consciousness, he would lay everything bare. He hoped that verbalizing the promise would somehow penetrate her unconsciousness and draw her back to him.

As the night wore on and the room bathed in the soft glow of predawn, his senses awakened to a subtle movement near his head, his mind clouded with confusion as he remained still, trying to grasp his surroundings.

He found himself in a hazy state, unable to pinpoint the exact moment sleep had claimed him, yet the sensation of their linked pinkies lingered, his other hand placed gently on her leg, while his head rested on the bed.

It wasn’t until he felt his pinky being squeezed that Spencer’s senses sharpened, his back straightening with a crack as his eyes snapped into focus on her. The familiar furrow returned to her brow as she squeezed her eyes shut, her free hand instinctively reaching up to rub at her forehead.

His breath caught in his throat, his body frozen as he stared at her, his heart pounding loudly in his ears.

“Spence?”

Her voice was raspy, her tone confused as her eyes opened and scanned the room. Without hesitation, he rose from his seat, hands releasing hers as he hurried to the table with the water bottles. He swiftly grabbed one, unscrewing the cap as he returned to her side.

She struggled to lift herself up on her elbows, her eyes tracking his movements, fixated on the open water bottle as he presented it to her. With a gentle nod from her, he brought the bottle closer, tipping it carefully as it reached her parched lips, his other hand positioned beneath her chin, ready to catch any droplets that might escape.

After consuming almost half of the bottle, she gently pushed it away from her lips, taking a moment to swallow the last gulp before lying back down.

He remained in a state of shock, his mind racing faster than it had in weeks, attempting to process the moment as he observed her shifting, striving to find a comfortable position.

“Spence?”

“You—” he began, his words trailing off as he struggled to articulate his thoughts. “You are awake.”

At his words, a gentle smile, the one he had longed to see for weeks, graced her lips. She nodded in acknowledgment as she looked at him. Without hesitation, he moved forward, enveloping her in a tight embrace, being careful not to hurt her. "You're awake," he whispered softly, his face nuzzling into her neck.

He knew he was supposed to call a nurse in —something the staff had reminded him of repeatedly— , but in that moment, he couldn’t bear to let her go. So, he held her tighter, his arms enveloping her as if protecting her from everything, his hand gently cradling the back of her head, thumb tracing soothing circles as he drew her closer.

They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity before he released her from his embrace, his body reluctantly withdrawing from her warmth. His hands remained, tenderly cupping her face as he gazed into her eyes, memorizing every detail of her being.

"I have to tell you something," he whispered, gently tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. The familiar nerves and doubt flooded back, causing his heart to race so fast that he knew that if he had been the one hooked up to the machines, medics would have surely burst into the room thinking someone was having a heart attack.

He hesitated, his eyes lingering on her face, absorbing every detail illuminated by the gentle glow of the sun filtering into the room.

In his hesitation, his mind revisited every memory he shared with her. He recalled the moments he wanted to confess but held back, as well as his conversation with Rossi. Then, the memory of their pinky promise last night resurfaced, reminding him of his commitment. He couldn’t break a pinky promise.

“Spencer?”

“I love you.” There. He said it. His gaze lowered in fear of rejection, the nerves in his stomach growing, but he kept going, he had to. “I am so unimaginably in love with you.”

“Spencer—“

“No, I need—“ he paused, his eyes brimming with unshed tears, gazing still fixated downward as he cleared his throat from the imaginary knot that was beginning to form there. “I need you to know that every time you smile, every time you laugh, every time you talk to me, it’s like my whole world lights up.”

“And when you look at me, it’s like everything else fades away, and there’s just you.” With a deep inhale, he squeezed his eyes shut, colors swirling behind his eyelids from the pressure, before slowly exhaling and looking up to meet her gaze. “I can’t even scientifically explain how you make me feel. There is no book, or research article that explains what you make me feel.”

One of his hands left her face, gesturing through the air as he attempted to explain everything without the safety net of statistical knowledge. “Every time I’m near you, it’s like my heart speeds up so much that, scientifically speaking, I should be dead.” The quiet chuckle that escaped her lips reached his ears, easing the tight lines on his forehead as his lips formed into a gentle smile. “But it doesn’t matter, because being near you makes me feel more alive than I’ve ever felt before.”

“Every little thing you do, it just… it makes me fall more and more in love with you.”

“God, I’ve loved you for so long.” His hand halted its relentless movement and lowered to push the hair out of his eyes before running down his face with a grunt of frustration.

"I've fought multiple inner battles trying to tell you how I feel, only to back down at the last minute, silently promising myself that I would do it the next day."

Her eyes softened at his words, her lips pulling into a sad smile as his remained parted, eyes teary as they left her gaze and focused on his lap. “And then you got shot and I—“ The memories of everything that happened in the last two weeks rushing back to him. "I thought I had run out of next days.”

Her hand, which had been holding his against her cheek, shifted gently, cupping his cheek and wiping away the tear that had managed to escape his eyes.

With a sigh, he looked up to meet her eyes again, his own free hand coming up to hold the hand she now had on his cheek. He leaned into her touch, his head resting against her hand as she rubbed soothing circles against the stubble that had appeared after weeks of not shaving. “I adore you.”

His face inched closer to hers, resting his forehead against hers. "I’m fine with whatever you want as long as I'm able to have you in my life," he whispered, his warm breath brushing against her skin. "I love you so, so much. Always." With that, their foreheads separated and his lips moved up to plant a gentle kiss on her forehead.

The room fell silent, his words hanging in the air as she processed them. After another second, Spencer moved, standing up and letting her know that he was going to go get a nurse before quickly disappearing.

The nurses flooded her room with warmth and care, each one exuding kindness as they attended to her needs, explaining her situation, answering questions, and expressing relief that she was recovering well.

Spencer stood patiently by the door, his shoulder leaning against the frame as he observed the nurses with gratitude, thanking them as they left after ensuring everything was in order.

As the last nurse made her way to the door, she slowed her footsteps, casting a reassuring smile at Spencer. “I told you she’d be alright, sweetheart,” she said with a gentle tone.

Marisa, the lovely old nurse, had not only been concerned about his best friend’s well-being but also his. The genius could confidently say that, had it not been for Marisa, he probably would’ve starved in that hospital chair.

She would often stop by during her morning shift, offering reassurance that she would be alright, often bending a few hospital rules to make Spencer more comfortable, providing him with the comfiest blankets, or allowing him to take showers in the bedroom’s bathroom so he wouldn’t have to leave her side.

She also insisted on him taking breaks to get some fresh air, eat proper meals, and change his clothes, assuring him that if anything happened, she would call him immediately.

With a comforting squeeze to his arm, the nurse left, closing the door gently behind her and leaving the two of them alone in the room.

As he settled back into the familiar chair, their eyes met once more, exchanging a silent understanding. They sat in comfortable silence for a while, relishing each other's presence. Eventually, Spencer broke the quietude. "I should call the team," he suggested softly.

He rose from the chair, his hand diving into his pocket to retrieve his phone. With his back turned to her, he scrolled through his contacts, his foot shifting slightly as he prepared to step away.

Before he could get far, his movements halted by the touch of her hand on his arm, he lowered his phone and turned back to her, meeting her gaze with curiosity. "Wait," she said softly. With a nod, he returned his phone to his pocket, yielding to her gentle tug until he found himself seated by her side on the bed.

A grunt of discomfort escaped her lips as she struggled to sit up, reaching out for his hand for support. Once she was upright, she shifted closer to him. “What are- oomf—“ before he could finish, his question was cut off by the sudden press of her lips against his, her hands gripping the back of his head.

His body momentarily stiffened, eyes widening in surprise as he tried to process what was happening. When it finally clicked, the initial shock turned into a gentle surrender as he closed his eyes, allowing himself to be swept away by the warmth of her lips against his.

With a soft exhale, his hand instinctively rose to caress her cheek, pulling her face even closer to his and deepening the kiss.

If he had ever believed his heart couldn’t beat any faster than when in her presence, he stood corrected. Now, he was certain he was experiencing a heart attack.

His lips moved against hers so perfectly, as if they had kissed a thousand times before, as if their souls recognized each other instantly.

It was perfect, not because it was flawless, but because it felt so real.

He never wanted to stop; her lips were addicting, but when his lungs screamed at him for air, he reluctantly pulled his lips away from hers, resting his forehead against hers as they caught their breath.

“I love you too, Spencer.”

His head jerked back, eyes wide open as he looked at her, scanning her expression, looking for any hint that she was lying, only to find honesty shining through her eyes.

With a laugh, she took his face back in her hands, pulling him closer and pressing a quick kiss to his lips. “You have, and will always be the one my heart searches for in a world full of everyone else.”

With a toothy smile, he pulled her lips back to his, chuckling inwardly, as their lips met, acknowledging that if he thought he reached the peak before, he was mistaken again. His heart was racing faster than ever before. A heart attack of a different kind.

A heart attack that he’d gladly experience a million times more.

[spirit-girl-nijisanji]

Rivals or so they thought

─═──═──═──═──═──═──═──═──═──═──═──═──═──═──═

➼ Pairing - Luca Kaneshiro x GN!Vtuber Reader

➼ Content - Established relationship, Playful rivalry, fluff & hopefully half correct translations (I know Japanese, a little bit of Swedish and the others I'm still a beginner in but I'm learning so if something isn't translated right, I apologize, I tried my best~! English translations will be included :3)

➼ Ft. Ike Eveland, Ver Vermillion, Vezalius Bandage, Enna Alouette, Mika Melatika, Nina Kosaka and Reimu Endou

➼ ⚠️ Please remember I only write for the personas you see on your screen. I do not and will not write for the people behind the models. Please also remember that behind the models there are very real people with very real emotions. Please be respectful towards our beloved Nijisanji EN livers and do your best to separate the real people from the persona reflected on your screen. Thank you so much and enjoy the story ⚠️

➼ Summary - You debuted in Nijisanji as another mob boss. You were known as Luca's rival in your lore. Behind the scenes, your lore couldn't be more wrong. And it all comes out during one stream... ─═──═──═──═──═──═──═──═──═──═──═──═──═──═──═

Today was the day you debuted, you sat at your desk going through your slide show, letting the viewers get to know you;

" As you know from my lore, I am another mob boss. " You said with a smile looking at your character reference sheet before looking over at the chat;

Chat: ChairKun223: Luca's rival right? What's that like YVT/N?

You couldn't help but smile at the question, adjusting yourself in the chair you hummed softly thinking about a good response,

" I admire him, he and I are polar opposites. He's always smiles. I know when to be serious when it counts. He views his work as play. " You said trying to sound bitter. The image of your golden retriever like lover popped into your head and you had to fight back a fond smile to stay in character for your debut.

You spent the next hour going through the rest of the slide show and talking to chat. Finally ending, your door flung open and your chair was spun around before you were grabbed up off the chair and spun around in a tight hug;

" YOU WERE SO POG BABE! " The one and only Luca Kaneshiro beamed hugging you tight and spinning you around. Your laughs echoed in the room hugging him back.

Despite being rivals in your lore, you were the blond mafia boss's lover and you had been with him long before you debuted, hell you've been together long before HIS debut. He adored you and you adored him. It was hard not to, his puppy like personality and his sense of humor. You two just clicked. Of course your friends and co workers knew about your relationship with Luca and they fully supported you, you hadn't made your relationship public so neither the Lucubs or your community knew about you and Luca.

" Thank you my love! I could hear you watching my stream in the living room. " You said with a cheeky smile, causing him to blush ever so lightly. He set you back down on the floor and he place a soft loving kiss on your cheek.

" I wish we didn't have to hide our relationship! The Lucubs would be so happy that we're together! " Luca whined and grasped your shoulders shaking you lightly.

" I know, me too but gotta make the lore seem real ya goof. " You replied holding onto his wrists as he shook you lightly as not to hurt you.

The next year was full of so many fun collabs with Luca and other streamers. You always had so much fun with the other NIJI EN members. Spending time with them both on streams and outside of streams. You remembered being a simple viewer at one point, watching the NIJI EN talents and wishing you could do what they do and be apart of their world (Little mermaid reference XD ANYWAYS-). And not long after Luca introduced you to Tazumi san, you were given an opportunity to audition and be apart of NIJI EN which you jumped at right away. When you were accepted, Luca was over the moon. He couldn't stop talking about it for days and he even helped you get a model commission and helped you write your lore.

There came a day when you organized a goose goose duck collab, wanting to do another collab with language switch ups, You invited Ike, Ver, Vezalius, Enna, Mika, Nina and Reimu and Luca wanted to tag along and watch the game in VC, you being the sucker you are, agreed to let him sit in. And of course you assigned each a language, You would be sticking with Japanese, Ike had Swedish, Ver had Korean, Zali had French, Enna had Chinese, Mika had Indonesian, Nina had Russian and Reimu was given Spanish. Since you had watched the other collab the language switch up was used in, you knew this was about to get chaotic but you were also incredibly excited. Everything was set up and stream started;

" Alright~! Hello everyone! So as you can see, we're doing another goose goose duck stream with the language twist, so would everyone like to introduce themselves in the languages they were given? " You asked with a smile, Ver deciding to start out;

" Hi everyone, my name is Ver Vermillion, I'm speaking in Korean! 안녕하세요 여러분! 내 이름은 Ver Vermillion, 저는 한국어로 말하고 있습니다! (Hi everyone, my name is Ver Vermillion, I'm speaking in Korean!) "

Ike jumped in straight after Ver,

"Hello everyone, I am Ike Eveland, a Virtual Novelist from Nijisanji EN and part of Luxiem! And one more time, I am talking Swedish. Hej alla, jag är Ike Eveland, a virtuell romanförfattare från Nijisanji EN och en del av Luxiem! Och en gång till, jag är talar Svenska. (Hello everyone, I am Ike Eveland, a virtual novelist from Nijisanji EN and part of Luxiem! And one more time, I am talking Swedish.) "

Zali followed suit with his introduction,

" Hi, hi everyone! My name is Vezalius Bandgae or Zali and today I am speaking French! Salut, Salut tout le monde~! Mon nom est Vezalius Bandage ou Zali et aujourd’hui Je suis parlant français! (Hi, Hi everyone! My name is Vezalius Bandage or Zali and today I am speaking French!) "

Next was Nina,

" Hello, my name is Nina Kosaka. Russaian will be my language. Привет, Меня зовут Nina Kosaka. Русский будет быть мой язык ( Hello, my name is Nina Kosaka. Russian will be my language.) "

Then came Mika,

" My name is Mika Melatika. I speak Indonesian. Nama saya Mika Melatika. Saya berbicara Indonesia (My name is Mika Melatika. I speak Indonesian.) "

Enna chimed in,

" Hello, my name is Enna Alouette. I speak Mandarin Chinese. 你好, 我叫 Enna Alouette. 我说话 普通话 中文. (Hello, my name is Enna Alouette. I speak Mandarin Chinese.) "

Now Reimu jumped in,

" Hello my name is Reimu Endou~! I have been chosen to speak Spanish. Hola mi nombre es Reimu Endou~! He sido elegido para hablar español. (Hello my name is Reimu Endou~! I have been chosen to speak Spanish.) "

And finally you gave your introduction,

" Good morning everyone~! My name is YVT/N! I speak Japanese for this collaboration~! おはようございます 皆さん~! 私の名前は YVT/N! 私は日本語を話します 対して これ コラボ~! (Good morning everyone~! My name is YVT/N! I speak Japanese for this collaboration~!) "

And of course no line of introductions would be complete if Luca didn't chime in to introduce himself,

" HIIIIII GUYS! I'm Luca Kaneshiro! I am just gonna be spending some time in the VC while my game downloads and if it finishes before the collab is over, YVT/N said I could speak backwards so I'm not completely understood, POGGGGGGGGG!!! " He said happily causing the rest of the people in the collab to snicker at his enthusiasm.

" Right~! With introductions out of the way, let's get the first round started! Good luck everyone~! " You beamed as the game began.

And of course, as expected, it was complete chaos. There was zero understanding between anyone. You were walking around trying to find a task before stopping, seeing Enna and Nina having some sort of stand off but not understanding a word either woman was saying.

Within a few rounds, Luca finally was able to join into the fun. The new round started, You ran past Ver being chased yelling in Korean by Ike who was yelling in Swedish but of course you didn't understand what either of them were saying. Before running into Luca who was standing over a dead Enna,

" LUCA! 殺しましたか Enna!? (LUCA! Did you kill Enna?!) " You said backing away

" Tahw?! I nod't dnatsrednu tahw ruoy gniyas TVY/N! (What?! I don't understand what your saying YVT/N!) " Luca stammered out, barely able to get through a sentence.

Hearing Luca struggle at getting a sentence out backwards was enough to cause you to snicker,

" 体の上に立つ Luca! 他に誰が殺しただろう Enna?! (Your standing over a body Luca! Who else could have killed Enna?!) " You said quickly going to report Enna's body.

⚠️ EMERGENCY MEETING ⚠️

" 私は見つけた Luca 立っている Enna's 体! (I found Luca standing over Enna's body!) " You spoke out

" Nina jagade mig! (Nina was chasing me!) " Ike called out

" Мне показалось, что я вижу Ike убей кого-нибудь, чтобы я последовал за ним (I thought I saw Ike kill someone so I followed him) " Nina said trying to be heard over the wave of voices

You could see your chat going nuts over the complete chaos this collab was. No one could understand each other and communication was just dead in the water. As the round went on, people were voted out and in the end, the goose ended up winning and the goose turned out to be Ver. Back in the lobby, voices rung out and everyone was finally able to understand each other, everyone was laughing. Luca walked over to you and spoke,

" BABE! I TOLD YOU IT WASN'T ME THAT KILLED ENNA! " He yelled, faking being hurt

It took a second to realize what Luca had said but when it registered, you looked back to your chat.

Chat: Chairkun223: DID LUCA JUST CALL YVT/N BABE?! YVT/NSimp: OH MY GOD Luca'sJacket44: ARE THEY TOGETHER?! LucaxYVT/NOTP: AWWWH~!

Your jaw hit your desk and you couldn't help but nervous laugh,

" L...luca, we're still live. " you said, your eyes still glued on your chat

" What? What I say? " He asked before he looked at his own chat and realized his mistake.

Both chats were going wild with questions and people squealing over the fact that YVT/N and Luca were a couple. It took a few seconds before the others in the collab realized what happened since you and Luca had gone silent. The rest of the collab was filled with you and Luca trying to go the rest of the collab without looking at the chats, each time you ran into another person in the collab, you could only assume they were teasing you since you couldn't understand a word being said.

The end of the collab came, everyone said their goodbyes and you said goodbye to chat, Luca ran in and hugged you apologizing for outting the relationship during the collab and of course you reassured him that it was okay.

From then on, Luca made sure he was incredibly loving even in streams, he was shameless in letting chat know how amazing he thought you were and how much he loved you.

[jisungsmochi]

traitor - lee jeno

starting my SOUR series !! based on songs by olivia rodrigo, here is the first installment. 

player (?) jeno x female reader // friends to lovers but then goes all downhill from there

word count: 7.1k 

summary: “god i wish i had thought this through, before i went and fell inlove with you”

you were more than aware of jeno’s inability to keep it in his pants, but after a reckless one night stand, you finally understood what it was like to be on the receiving end. but when jeno slips back into his old habits, will you have the heart to move on? i mean how could you get over somebody you didn’t even date...

a/n: sorry for any mistakes as usual oop

tagging bestie: @skrtbabe <3

//

Brown guilty eyes, and

Little white lies, yeah

I played dumb, but I always knew

//

“god what did you do now?” you shook your head at the raven haired boy with a blank expression. he shrugged his shoulders, eyebrows perking up,

“i just decided we were better off as friends” ah yes, lee jeno’s code for ‘she was just a fling, i couldn’t care less’. you only nodded, how else were you supposed to respond? you weren’t exactly his closest friend, but he considered you enough of a friend due to your closeness to jaemin.

you knew that he was a player, finding some sort of entertainment, getting girls to fall for him. you couldn’t really blame them, he was strikingly handsome and had his way with words. the only reason he hadn’t tried anything on you yet was because you didn’t exactly “fit his type”. also, jaemin pleaded him not to, in order to avoid any awkward situations within your friendship. jeno was occasionally playful with you, but you viewed it more of a sister-brother type thing, rather than him trying to flirt.

jaemin has introduced you to jeno near the end of high school. the three of you attended plenty of parties together ( well as many as you could before college started ). your first semester of college consisted of intense study sessions with jaemin in the library, jeno occasionally tagging along. you were both sure he was failing his classes but he didn’t seem to care much. his main focus consisting of getting wasted at as many frat parties he could. 

finals were done and dusted so after your last exam, you got ready for some random frat party being held tonight. you were meeting up with jaemin prior,

“time to party or what?” you gleamed at your best friend, jumping onto his bed as he curled into a ball. you frowned at the sight,

“i’m not feeling so good, you should go without me! go with jeno” jaemin groaned, his stomach pains getting the best of him.

“oh damn, want me to keep you company tonight instead?” you sat next to him, forcing him to sit up with you.

“no no, i’m probably going to take some meds and then knock out for the rest of the night. just go with jeno, it won’t be so bad! i’ll tell him to take care of you” jaemin assured, making sure you were on board. you let out a soft sigh,

“it’s so awkward between jeno and i, right? does he even like me, as a friend?” you lay your head on jaemin’s shoulder, feeling him softly chuckle at your words.

“jeno just thinks you’re really sweet. like you have this innocence to you. he doesn’t wanna be a bad influence or anything, that’s all” you just nod, that was somewhat comforting to know. before you could respond, there was a knock on jaemin’s door. the one and only, lee jeno was standing there in all this glory.

“yeah y/n, i don’t wanna be a bad influence” he smirked as he entered the room. you felt slightly embarrassed he had eavesdropped on the conversation but jaemin decided to interject.

“take her to the party tonight, she needs to have some fun” jaemin shoved you towards jeno, causing you to bump into

his shoulder. he just smirked, nodding along to his friend’s wishes.

“come on, i’ll show you a good time” jeno practically dragged you out of the room. his grip on your wrist was quite firm, he didn’t let go until you both reached his car. jeno opened the passenger side door for you, gesturing for you to enter. jeno made his way to the driver’s side, a constant grin on his face.

“surprised to see you so dressed up” he started the car. you were taken back at first, but this was just part of your usual banter.

“so glad you noticed, i did this all for you” you grinned, feeling quite flushed in the face. jeno just let out a soft chuckle, finding your confidence amusing.

“you’re not drinking tonight?” you questioned, looking over to him.

“nah, kinda trying to cut out alcohol from my diet if i wanna have a healthy liver you know?” his eyes flicked towards you, watching as you started fixing your makeup using your phone camera.

“but don’t worry sweetheart, i’ll take good care of you so jaemin doesn’t beat my ass. don’t get too wasted or you might do something you regret” jeno warned but his words went in one ear and out the other. you knew he was going to ditch you midway through, probably off with another one of his hookups. you didn’t need a babysitter, you were perfectly capable to party on your own.

long story short, you got bored after a few drinks, now sitting on a swinging hammock on the porch of the house. as expected, jeno had left your side a while ago, off to greet his own friends. you were scrolling on your phone, thinking of texting jaemin about how he wasn’t missing out on much. but you were interrupted when jeno sat down next to you.

“bored already?” he snuggled a little too close to comfort, softly swinging the both of you in the hammock.

“you could say that” you shrugged, switching off your phone, giving him all your attention. he looked really handsome in this light, strands of his hair sticking in random places, a slight flush to his cheeks due to the cold.

“wanna get out of here then? i’ll take you home” he stood up, offering you his hand.

“wow you’re being such a gentleman tonight” you snickered, taking his hand in yours as you strolled to his car.

“i’ll always be a gentleman for you”

why did he keep saying these things?

the ride to your apartment wasn’t as awkward as you initially thought. jeno insisted you play some music, his fingers lingering near your knee, tapping ever so softly on the surface of your skin. you held your breath at the touch, he was just being a good friend...right?

as jeno pulled up to your apartment building, part of you didn’t want the night to end. he looked over at you with his glorious brown eyes and you were mesmerised. jeno noticed the way you were looking at him, feeling quite giddy with himself. he had always thought you were pretty, in a cute, dorky way. but tonight, you looked electrifying. he was in awe.

as you looked into his eyes, you felt yourself lean closer to him. jeno couldn’t hide his grin, leaning to meet you in the middle.

“may i kiss you?” you asked nervously, which only added to how adorable jeno found you. his hand met your cheek, softly stroking your skin before nodding,

“don’t even need to ask me, love” he quickly pressed his lips onto yours, giving you instant butterflies.

it finally hit you, holy shit, you were kissing lee jeno right now.

you allowed his tongue to enter your mouth, deepening the kiss. it felt like his lips were meant for yours, in a non-cliche way. he was so gentle, yet so passionate with you. he pulled away, leaving you feeling empty inside.

“how far do you wanna go tonight?” that question had you stunned. you weren’t the type for one night stands, but this was jeno. it was like second nature to him. you almost didn’t even have to think twice, you just needed his lips on yours again.

“all the way” you bit your lip anxiously, awaiting his response. jeno’s eyes widened, taken aback by your new found confidence.

“say less, but we should probably get into bed or something” he chuckled, giving you a warm feeling in your stomach. you could practically hear jaemin’s warnings going off like a siren in your head. but when jeno pulled you into your apartment, gently placing you on the bed, lips constantly attached to yours, you drowned out any other thoughts that were occupying your mind.

college was all about new experiences. so naturally, having a random hookup with an attractive guy would be on the list. just for once, you wanted to know what it was like to hookup with lee jeno, even if you were just another number to him.

//

the very next morning, your eyes fluttered open, taking a few moments to fully immerse yourself in the new day ahead. your gaze finally drags over to the sleepy boy next to you. you couldn’t help but admire his side profile, especially his plump lips.

“stop staring, you’re making me shy” he suddenly grumbled, pulling you closer to him, nuzzling his face in your chest. you immediately froze, of course he was awake.

“last night was fun” he mumbled into your skin, softly smirking to himself. you just sighed, he wasn’t wrong per se, you just weren’t sure what this meant for your friendship.

“y-yeah, it was” was all you managed to say, jeno felt there was something off, moving his head to face you. he pulled your chin to meet his face, placing a gently kiss to your lips.

“did you like it?” you knew he was just being cocky right now, but you couldn’t help but engage in his banter.

“nope, worst hookup of my life!” you exaggerated before burying your face into his chest. he shook his head playfully, stroking your hair as you wrapped your arms around his torso.

“what will happen once jaemin finds out?” jeno started to worry, the last thing he needed was jaemin beating his ass for hooking up with his best friend.

“he’ll be mad for like five seconds and probably scold you too” jeno raised his eyebrows, preparing himself for the confrontation.

“there isn’t much he can do about it though” he placed another gentle kiss to your forehead, continuing to stroke your hair.

“let’s do something today, just you and me. you can pick what we do” jeno suddenly offered, causing you to perk up and sit against the headboard.

“well i need to do some grocery shopping, and some chores around the place, it’s kinda messy if you haven’t noticed. but that’s gonna be so boring-“

“i’ll keep you company”

“come again?”

“i’ll help you go shopping and clean, it’s no biggie” jeno smiled softly at you, making your knees go weak. you hoped he wasn’t just been nice because you had slept together...

//

your trip to the grocery store was surprisingly fun. jeno pushed the cart as you mentally ticked off your list of items to buy. he would make small conversation, giving his opinion on which brands were better. he always made sure to walk very close to you, despite pushing the cart. it was like he never left your side the entire trip. and once you got back to your apartment, jeno offered to carry all the bags, making you flustered. he didn’t have to be so...nice?

“you can just leave the bags on the bench, i’ll unpack” you smiled at him, gently tapping his back. jeno nodded, quickly pulling you by the waist, your breath hitched as he placed a gentle kiss to your forehead.

“i’ll make some brunch” he smiled softly, pulling away, starting to heat up a pan on the stove. you were still in shock by his display of affection. is this what he did with all his hookups?

you didn’t have the heart to tell jeno to go home, but he seemed to have understood that he had overstayed his welcome.

“i should probably get going, you know, to

shower and all” he had a smug look on his face that you couldn’t help but giggle at. you led him to the door, the sun having just set.

“i’ll see you around i guess” you tried to make this send off as normal as possible, but jeno had other plans.

“no goodbye kiss?”

“huh”

“ah i see, you’re just shy, see you around y/n” he pulled you in for a side hug, waving softly as he made his way out the door. this had to be a one time thing.

//

it had been over a week since you had last seen jeno. and naturally you filled jaemin in on all the events of that night. to say he was shocked as an understatement,

“i cant believe YOU slept with HIM. you’re gorgeous, the prettiest best friend ever, but really? jeno?” jaemin shook his head. you weren’t sure if he was disappointedly or just surprised.

“i-i know. it didn’t mean to play out that way. he’s just really charming. and he’s kind of a gentleman” you couldn’t help but feel some heat rise to your cheeks. jaemin picked up immediately, of course you were already smitten.

“i say this in the most loving way possible, don’t get too involved with him. yeah you guys hooked up, but he is not the relationship type. at all. i don’t want to see you hurt” jaemin pulled you to his side as you both sat with your backs against the headboard of your bed.

“yeah, i’ll be careful” you say out loud...‘or atleast i’ll try to be’ you thought to yourself. this was going to be harder than you anticipated.

seeing jeno around campus was bound to happen. you assumed he would just shoot you a wave or a head nod to greet you but you were wrong. he would offer to walk with you to your classes, even hold your bag for you. he’d even ask if you wanted to go off campus to have lunch. you didn’t exactly reject any of these offers, but you couldn’t help but feel a little uneasy. did he suddenly like you? or is he just trying to not make things awkward between you both? whatever it was, it wasn’t helping your growing crush on the dark haired heartthrob. you were in trouble.

//

one day, jeno had invited himself over to prepare for his upcoming economics quiz. you tried your best to help him study, but then you remembered...lee jeno doesn’t ‘study’, he winged almost every exam and barely passed. C’s get degrees (atleast that was his mindset).

“i’m tired, let’s pick this up again tomorrow” jeno yawned, pushing his textbook to the side as he sprawled his whole body onto your bedroom floor. you were seated on your bed, looking down at the hopeless boy.

“are you sure? we only have one more set of practice questions to go through” you pout, actually finding enjoyment helping him study. jeno shook his head profusely,

“no i’d rather hang out with you” he jumped onto your bed, landing right next to you, wrapping you in his arms.

“i mean, if that’s okay with you” you just nodded, feeling yourself relax in his embrace. jeno gently pulled you down so you were both laying down, facing eachother.

your eyes flickered over his features, his structured nose and jaw, his glimmering eyes and his soft lips. your fingers made their way to graze over his lips, causing him to pout.

“you’re so cute” he mumbled. you moved your hand to hide your face, feeling more flustered than ever.

“why are you getting all shy with me now? did you forget that we had sex? or was that just a really good dream?” he continued to tease, poking at your sides, causing you to let out a loud laugh. you immediately placed your hand over your mouth, feeling embarrassed by the sound that had just left it. jeno raised an eyebrow at you, slightly frowning.

“hey i like making you laugh, so i expect to hear it!”

“s-sorry, i really don’t know why i’m being like this. i-i just, it’s all catching me off guard you know?” you sighed, allowing jeno’s fingers to intertwine with yours.

“it’s alright, i find it endearing” he smiled as he started stroking your hair with his free hand.

“c-can you spend the night?” you suddenly asked, feeling his hand stop in your hair.

“i was hoping you’d ask me that” jeno ducked his head to press his lips against yours. you didn’t want to admit how much you had missed that feeling. but something about the way he kissed you, washed all your cares away. even if there wasn’t any romance behind it, it still felt electrifying.

this was how most nights were spent with jeno. some light studying, some making out, dinner, cuddling, and then more making out before you fell asleep. it was a constant cycle that you didn’t want to stop. he would always compliment you, whether it was your hair or your makeup or your outfit. practically anything he thought you should be praised for, he would compliment you. his words held greater meaning to you than they did to him. you could feel yourself getting flustered each time you received a compliment, while jeno seemed nonchalant. maybe that was just how he was.

one night, jeno decides to stay over, claiming that his heater was broken at his apartment and your bed was warm. but it was code for ‘let’s hook up and fall asleep in eachother’s arms again’. you laid beside him, wrapped tightly in your blanket as jeno pressed soft kisses on your forehead. you started tracing random figures on his chest as he quietly hummed random tunes to get you to sleep. but something was keeping you awake. jeno was hard to read, he never truly expressed his honest feelings towards people. maybe that was just his way of not having to cope with drama. but the constant push and pull between you two had caused many sleepless nights and constant doubt for you. confessing to jeno never crossed your mind prior, but it was the only thing occupying it right now. if you kept it to yourself any longer, you’d probably explode.

you had noticed that jeno’s attendance at frat parties had declined, opting to either hanging out with you or jaemin. he had already quit drinking, not finding much enjoyment anymore. he had also been trying to get above a C average in his classes. you’d say something switched in him, so could it be possible that he may like you too?

“what’s on your mind, pretty girl?” jeno suddenly snapped you out of your thoughts, causing you pull your fingers from his chest.

“nothing” you whispered flatly, but jeno was not convinced.

“come on, something is going on in that

pretty little head of yours, i can see it on your face” he smirked.

“what do you mean?”

“you have this cute frowning face whenever you’re over thinking” you suddenly changed your expression, pulling

yourself to side up as he remained still. you let out a deep sigh, knowing that your next words will change everything.

“i think i like you”

you felt jeno stiffen under the covers, his demeanour suddenly becoming cold. of course you had expected this type of reaction, but seeing it right infront of you, made you want to cry.

“y/n, i don’t think you mean that”

your breath hitched, your throat felt tight.

“i mean, i just- i think you’re amazing. of course i do. but i don’t do relationships. i don’t do feelings or love and that bullshit. atleast not right now, i don’t think i can handle it” each of his words felt like a stab through the heart. how did you misjudge this so badly?

“i fucked things up, didn’t i?” jeno looked you in the eyes sympathetically. of course he felt pity for you.

“no you didn’t. i’m still going to be around. i just can’t be the guy for you” why did you have to go and make things so complicated?

jeno senses you were still overthinking, he smoothed bits of hair from your face, gently tucking them behind your ear.

“don’t frown, pretty girl. i’m not going anywhere” he pulled you closer to him, making you lay down, face to face with him. you wanted to avoid looking into his eyes but he maintained the intense contact with you.

“i’m tired” was all you could think of saying. jeno just nodded,

“rest well” he pulled you into just chest, softly stroking your hair as you closed your eyes. you felt a singular tear stream down your face, landing on jeno’s forearm. he sighed, knowing he hurt you. but he was selfish, he just couldn’t let you go. he wouldn’t let you go.

//

You talked to her, maybe did even worse

I kept quiet so I could keep you

jeno hadn’t been around lately. it was probably for the best, you guessed he just didn’t want you to get attached.

you were walking to your final class of the day, passing by multiple students rushing off in different directions. you were careful not to bump into anything or anyone, but you had the worst luck, feeling yourself slam into a firm figure. your eyes focused on the boy infront of you.

“jeno” your eyes lit up unknowingly, as he greeted you with a smile.

“oh hey, careful there” he helped you remain stable, placing his hand on your shoulder.

“it’s been a while, i was thinking you could come over tonight and we cou-“

“there you are! been looking everywhere for you!” you watched as an unfamiliar girl came up to jeno, leaning into his side. her gaze waved over you, a slight scowl forming.

“y-yeah i’m just talking to a friend, uh this is karina” he introduces to you. what the hell was this? a new girl already?

“i’m y/n, jeno may have mentioned me before” you kindly smile, or atleast you tried your best to.

“oh he’s never mentioned your name, but nice to meet you” she looked over to the boy next to her, “jeno, can you walk me to my class? i’m still kinda lost” she frowned. jeno just nodded in compliance, leading her through the hallway as he sent you a small wave. so this was how it was gonna be.

//

“i mean, who the hell is she? how does she just waltz up in here and suddenly have jeno’s attention like that?” you frustratedly rant to jaemin, who was innocently eating his lunch as you approached him. he practically saw smoke coming out of your ears from how annoyed you were. he had never seen you like this before,

“hey, back track. explain properly” jaemin sighs, pulling you to sit down next to him as he continued eating. you finally got a hold of yourself, taking a few deep breaths,

“her name is karina or something, she’s suddenly hanging around jeno now. and he’s been avoiding me lately” jaemin’s eyes widened slightly, sirens going off in your mind.

“what do you know that i don’t?”

“it’s not my place to say” you scoff,

“not your place? since when have we kept secrets from eachother. i admitted to you that i’ve been having sex with jeno yet you can’t tell me this thing?” jaemin knew you were partially right, but he didn’t want to crush your spirit more than it already was.

“fine, karina was jeno’s first girlfriend. like first love type bullshit. he never really got over her, even when she moved away. i guess she’s back for good” your heart started to ache. gosh, this stupid infatuation with jeno was getting out of control.

“you think he still loves her?” jaemin looked at you with solemn eyes,

“i don’t know, he doesn’t really talk about her much. if anything, i sort of want him to choose you. i think you’re good for him, even if he doesn’t see it yet” you took this as jaemin just trying to cheer you up, you didn’t believe a single word he said. how well did you really know jeno? he had never mentioned karina to you before, nor that she was his first love. i mean, why would he? you were barely friends...right?

//

And ain't it funny how you ran to her


The second that we called it quits?

And ain't it funny how you said you were friends?

Now it sure as hell don't look like it

jeno was at your apartment once again, his legs dangling over yours as you both typed on your laptops. your mind was trying it’s hardest to focus on your assignment that was due in less than five hours, but you were too distracted by jeno’s presence. it wasn’t unusual for him to hang out with you, but you felt slightly uncomfortable, knowing he had also been hanging out with karina more often. maybe you were just being paranoid, but how could you not be?

“quit staring and finish your work” jeno poked you playfully, shutting the lid of his laptop before moving to lay next to you. he leant against your shoulder, making your heart flutter.

“i-i am. why would i want to look at your gross face anyway?”

“stop denying it” he just snuggled closer to you. of course you couldn’t deny it. before you could respond, jeno’s phone started ringing. he quickly jumped out of your bed, hoping you hadn’t seen the caller ID. but you did. it was the one person you were hoping he had stopped talking to.

“sorry about that, it was uh just jaemin” jeno walked back into your room, acting as if nothing happened. you pierced your eyes at him, was he really going to lie straight to your face?

“i know it was karina. you don’t have to hide it from me” you shrug, pretending to type on your laptop.

“o-oh uh sorry. we’re just friends, you know. incase you were worried” was he being for real?

“why would i be worried? just because i confessed to you doesn’t mean you’re entitled to like me back. if you wanna see her then go see her, don’t use me liking you as an excuse” you felt pure frustration take over your body. you had never experienced this feeling before, even jeno was shocked.

“it’s not like that, i swear. i don’t want stuff between us to...end” jeno moved closer to you, placing his hand to your cheek, gently stroking the skin. there he goes again. these small gestures had you swooning, you just couldn’t help it.

you scrunched your nose at the contact, causing jeno to smile softly.

“so cute” he tapped your nose before engulfing you in his embrace. your assignment was long forgotten once he started kissing you. this was all too overwhelming emotionally, but physically, this felt just right.

//

just when things were beginning to feel normal again, jaemin had a few words for jeno.

“you can’t keep playing her, it’s time to come clean”

“give me time, y/n’s sensitive, i don’t wanna hurt her too bad” jaemin rolled his eyes.

“you’re being a real dick about this. if you have feelings for karina, end it with y/n now, or else i’ll tell her myself” jeno grabbed his arm, pleading him to hear him out.

“please don’t. promise me you won’t. i know it’s going to hurt her, but i want to do it on my own” jaemin wanted nothing more but to call you right now and have jeno confess over the phone. but he knew you deserved to hear it from jeno in person. all that the two boys could think about was how crushed you’d be after hearing the truth. but the truth will always come out one way or another.

//

y/n: hey jeno, i’m officially assignment free! come over and hang tonight :))

jeno: hey sorry, hella swamped with a group assignment at the moment. will make it up to you tomorrow!

you nodded to yourself after reading his message. you were proud of him for working so hard in his studies nowadays, it really seemed like he was improving. you opted to spend a night to yourself, switching on the television and eating an excessive amount of snacks from your kitchen cabinet. as usual, you were on instagram, wondering what others were up to now that most assignments were done and dusted. lee donghyuck had the most wild and sometimes, disturbing, instagram stories but you were always curious as to what he was up to. but this time you regretted it greatly. seeing a video of jeno making out with karina against the wall shattered you. you immediately locked your phone, switching the tv off completely. your body felt numb, why weren’t you reacting? why weren’t you crying? or even mad? how could you be mad...you weren’t even dating him. how pathetic of you to believe he would be loyal after practically rejecting you. you felt like a fool for falling for him. there was no way he could sweet talk his way out of this. the pain was too much for you to bare, resulting in you deciding to take a social media detox...well a detox from everyone really. you became more sheltered and isolated than ever. it was just too good to be true.

//

You betrayed me

And I know that you'll never feel sorry
For the way I hurt, yeah

You talked to her when we were together

Loved you at your worst, but that didn't matter

“y/n, honey, you need to come out and eat okay?” you regretted giving jaemin a spare key to your apartment. he would enter as he wished, cooking you a warm meal before sitting outside your bedroom door as he begged for you to come out. you hated making him worry like this but you physically couldn’t get yourself to leave your bed. the same bed you and jeno had slept in together many times. you swore you could still smell traces of his scent on the pillow sheets.

“please just go home, jae” you groaned.

“no, i’m your friend and i need to see that you’ve atleast showered and taken care of yourself” his words made you want to cry. he cared for you so much, but he wasn’t the one you wanted to hear these things from. for the first time in what felt like weeks, you stood up from your bed and shuffled towards the door. you turned the door knob slowly, gaining jaemin’s attention. he immediately stood up, eyes scanning over your state.

“oh honey” he pulled you into his chest, gently stroking your hair.

“has he said anything?” you manage to murmur, catching jaemin off guard.

“n-no. atleast not to me. i’m sorry”

“why the hell are you sorry? he should be sorry. he should be grovelling to me to forgive him. but now he’s off, with some other girl. like i never meant a damn thing to him” you scoffed, pushing past jaemin as he trailed behind you with the tray of your now, cold, meal. you sat down on your couch, wrapping yourself in a small blanket.

“do you think he liked her this whole time and just didn’t tell me?” jaemin’s eyes shifted from left to right, which he only did when he withheld information.

“y-you knew?” he slowly nodded, the guilt eating him up inside.

“i wanted to tell you, i promise. but he insisted that he would let you down in person” jaemin tried to explain. you couldn’t even be mad at him. it must have been so obvious that jeno was into karina the whole time. you were just another name to his list. nothing more.

“am i pathetic for still liking him?” jaemin let out a sigh, unsure of how to answer. but that reaction was a good enough indication that you were indeed pathetic, for wanting a guy that didn’t want you. lee jeno was a traitor.

//

another night was spent alone. you were simply catching up on your usual shows, using it as a distraction from the pouring rain. what you didn’t expect was a series of loud knocks on your front door. who the hell wanted to visit you in the early hours of the morning? you proceeded with caution, twisting the door knob, allowing the door to slowly swing open. your eyes met those of the boy who broke you. you wanted nothing more than to shut the door right in his face, but he stopped you before you could even move.

“i-we need to talk” he slurred his words. he seemed drunk, but you weren’t fully sure. you could have sworn he quit drinking months ago, but the sight infront of you was telling you otherwise. jeno suddenly slumped towards you, his weak figure now latching onto you. you quickly shut the door, dragging him to your couch.

“i cant believe you’ve been drinking again” you felt disappointed. he was doing so well.

“couldn’t help myself, life is shitty. i lost you, karina and i are fighting. jaemin is giving me the cold shoulder. oh and i failed my last assignment, guess i can’t even finish the year” you had never seen him so defeated like this, you started feeling pity for him.

“but that’s no reason for you to drink yourself to this state. i’m really disappointed in you. i know you can do better” you sighed before rushing to your kitchen, grabbing him a bottle of water. jeno took slow sips from the bottle, eyes avoiding yours. there was still one question lingering in your mind,

“why are you even at my apartment? don’t you have your own?” you didn’t want to come off as rude but jeno couldn’t deny he felt a pang of guilt in his chest.

“i-i don’t know. i just feel comfort whenever i’m here. y-you gave me comfort. and i messed it all up” you felt tears begin to swell in your own eyes. why was he saying these things now? the timing was terrible.

“you’re babbling nonsense. just go to sleep, i want you gone in the morning” you grab him an extra blanket and pillow, watching as he slowly started drifting to sleep. you weren’t sure if he really meant the things he was saying, but you’d rather keep it that way. you didn’t need any more reasons to hold onto jeno. this was just a one time thing, you weren’t completely heartless. this was the night you saw jeno at his worst, and if you were being honest, you couldn’t be with him like this. you now knew, that you deserved better than lee jeno.

as expected, he was gone by the time you woke up, leaving you a small note,

“thankyou for everything”

you quickly scrunched the piece of paper, tossing it into the bin. you felt slightly relieved, this was a sign that you were finally starting to get over him.

//

Now you bring her around just to shut me down

Show her off like she's a new trophy

And I know if you were true

There's no damn way that you

Could fall in love with somebody that quickly

“hey so there’s gonna be a bonfire tonight, wanna come with me?”

“i don’t know, jaemin. not really up for hanging in big crowds at the moment” jaemin frowned, wanting nothing more than to see his friend happy again.

”i’ll be next to you the entire night, if that gives you more ease” he pleaded with his big eyes, rubbing his shoulder against yours. you eventually gave in, wanting nothing more than for him to stop giving you those creepy eyes. maybe something good will come from the bonfire.

you spoke too soon, the moment jeno and karina showed up, it was like somebody was impaling you with a stake to the heart. you physically couldn’t move, eyes avoiding having to meet those of jeno’s. you felt someone’s eyes on you, but refused to look up from your feet which were buried in the sand. soon enough, you felt the gaze escape, along with the two people you wanted to avoid the most. jaemin awkwardly coughed,

“this is going to be harder than i thought” you sighed, causing jaemin to press his lips together in a tight line.

“i know, but it’s not the end of the world” he shrugged, pulling you closer to him as you both soaked up the heat from the fire. you hated how jeno was showing her off like his new trophy. he constantly had his arm around her, laughing with his friends loudly, pressing soft kisses to her forehead. it made you sick.

your mind drifted to the conversations where jeno insisted he was not the ‘relationship type’. you remembered how he avoided your confession, how he only wanted your company when he felt alone. how he always interrupted you with a kiss when you would ask about his feelings. it all felt like some sort of sick joke to you. if you knew jeno the way you thought you did, there was no way he could fall inlove so quickly.

but you knew that he was inlove, or atleast falling inlove, because he looked at her the way you used to look at him. you couldn’t help but laugh at yourself, you got played. plain and simple. lee jeno was never meant to be a permanent figure in your life, he was a lesson to be learnt. you had to let him go, no matter how much it hurt, you knew it would be for the best.

//

it was finally summer break, instant weight lifting from your shoulders as you handed in your final paper. although this year had its ups and downs, you were beyond proud of how you managed to stay on top of your school work, and shove any thoughts regarding jeno, from your mind. it had been radio silence from

his end, not having reached out to you in weeks, until some of your classmates invited you to some drinks at a local club. you couldn’t pass on a night to finally let loose, so you gleefully accepted their offer. it was also nice way of making new friends for the following year to come.

“hot damn, who the hell is that?” your newest friend, minjeong, swooned. you shifted your eyes to the figure in question. jeno stood there in all his glory, leather jacket hung loosely on his shoulders as he greeted your classmates one by one. he was slowly making his way to you and minjeong, you wanting nothing more than to rush to the bathroom. but he definitely would have seen you,

“long time no see” he grinned, taking a seat on the bar stool next to you. minjeong noticed that you were beginning to feel uncomfortable. she tapped your arm gently, asking with one simple gaze if you needed her with you. you shook your head in response, this was something you needed to sort out, once and for all.

“it has been a while” you sighed, turning to face the boy who tore you to pieces. jeno stiffened at your tone, part of his heart aching to hear you speak to him in such way.

“how have things been? i-i kinda miss hanging out together-“

“are you serious right now?” you practically scoffed, taking a large gulp from your drink. you needed some liquid courage for the speech you were about to give.

“who do you think you are to come up here and act like everything is all good between us? i know that jaemin has told you how hurt i was over you, gosh, it was probably one of the most painful heartbreaks i’ve ever experienced. can i even call it that? a heartbreak? i mean, we never dated so technically we never even broke up” jeno slowly gulped at your words, hoping no one else was eavesdropping on your conversation. but he allowed you continue,

“we hooked up, i confessed, and it all went to shit. once something new and shiny came by, i was old news. i really thought we were going to be something. how naive i was to even believe that someone like you could be with someone like me. i guess you didn’t cheat, but you’re still a traitor, lee jeno. and i hope you never forget it” you could barely look at him, feeling hot tears fill your eyes. you clenched your fists as jeno cleared his throat before speaking.

“i-i’m sorry okay? i didn’t mean for things to go so far with us. i never want you to think that you aren’t important to me. at the time, you were one of the best things that had ever happened to me. but we just weren’t right for each other, i told you that from the start” you finally built the courage to face him, his gentle eyes meeting your pained ones.

“god i wish you had thought this through, before i went and fell in love with you” those words hit him like a truck. he knew he had messed up, there was no going back from the damage he had done. he broke someone that he truly cared about. he hurt one of his only friends. he could never forgive himself for that.

“y-you’re going to find someone. someone way better than me. someone who sees how beautiful you are, someone who will hold on for dear life because they’re scared of losing you. i’m sorry i couldn’t be that guy for you. i am so sorry” you could sense the sincerity in his voice, but there was only so much an apology could fix.

“may i ask, are you happy?” he already knew his answer, and he knew it would hurt you if he answered truthfully. but he was done with lies,

“yeah i am, are you?” you pondered for a moment,

“i will be” you firmly answered, feeling a small grin grow on your face. although this entire interaction was pure torture, you were glad you were able to air out your conscience to the one person who was filling it. you and jeno agreed to cut contact for the time being, wishing each other the best. of course you would think about him every now and then, but you were onto bigger and better things. lee jeno was just one chapter on your book of life. there was so much more out there for you, and you couldn’t wait to experience it.

[wolfs-hunt1]

Soaring Love 2

Pairing: Severus Snape x reader

Word count: 2645

Warnings: none so far, sorry for any typo

A/N: I did this mood board for this fic because I thought it would look better if we had some visuals to help, and I had a lot of fun doing it.

Part 1

--- --- --- --- ---

Breakfast is a breeze, compared to the cold shoulder Severus gives you all the time since then. But all the rest of the faculty treated you warmly since most of them had been your teacher from the year you had had in Hogwarts.

You go back to your room, to start unpacking. You look around for a few seconds, accessing the room, and well everything could go. You reach inside your bag and rummage for a few moments until you can feel your fingers brush over a rectangular wooden object, pulling it out to reveal a bookcase. You walked to the wall that had a window, and put the tiny toy-sized bookcase on the ground, taking out your wand and performing an enlargement charm to restore the bookcase back to its original size.

Taking a step back to look at it, and make sure it fitted in that corner, you start to take the rest of your furniture out and placing them on the ground before enlarging them back to normal so you could decorate your room before the school term would start. After all, you would be living here until the term of the year, so you wanted to make it feel as homey as you could.

Books were flying out of the bag, floating themselves to the shelves with a swish of your wand. and your clothes were folding themselves in the air, before neatly laying themselves at the bottom of the drawers. The room looked like chaos if someone were to walk in, but it was little by little getting tidier, looking like a proper room and not an empty dusty space.

It took you the entire day to finish, but once you did, the room resembled a better-looking copy of your previous apartment, and it also seemed to be bigger as well, wish wasn't complicated since it was an overpriced matchbox.

Once your room was fully furnished and all you had packed before coming to Hogwarts was fully stored away you walked down your tower, to go to one of the many school courtyards to soak in the sun and enjoy the rest of the afternoon exploring the castle grounds and getting reacquainted with them. The school was bigger than what you remembered, even more so now that you had more places you could go to without getting into trouble since you are no longer a student. So many new shortcuts and hidden passages you were afraid to get lost eventually. Maybe you should get a map of the place, just as a precaution.

During the two next weeks you still had before term started you spend most of it with Madam Pomfrey, getting to know the Hospital wing like the back of your hand and where all the potions and salves were stored. She also showed you to the teacher's ingredients cupboard, where you could take all ingredients you might need for anything at all, and the staff room where you would spend your free time between classes to rest and prepare for the next one.

--- --- --- --- ---

The term has started but for a week, and already you could hear all the students complaining about the potions master and his classes, dreading the times they had to go to the cold damp dungeons to have potions. You never minded your potions professor when you had been in Hogwarts in your time, but from the small amount of time you had known Severus, you could see how the kids would dread him for his cold demeanor.

Your first year's classes hadn't started yet, so you had a bit more time to prepare them for next week when the easily impressed youngsters would be having their first flying class. You had prepared a simple first day, to just teach them the basics, and let them have a bit of fun at the end of the class. If they all behaved.

The older years had started their flying classes though and they were taking it pretty well to the fact they had a new flying instructor. They already knew the basics of flying, so they really enjoyed the practical classes where they learned different maneuvers and how to play quidditch. They were all extremely excited, especially second years, since they would have the opportunity to try out for the teams in a few weeks, so they were all showing off their moves and speed on the brooms to try and impress the team's captains.

In the meantime, you were being kept busy helping out Madame Pomfrey, that had asked you to help her with bandaging and healing some students that seem to attract trouble since day one. One second year, in particular, that seemed to have been pricked repeatedly in an herbology class by a particular spiteful Spiky Prickly Plant, that kept shooting its thorns directly at him, no matter how far he backed away.

With both classes and helping out in the hospital wing, you were being kept pretty busy, often time getting to your room existed and ready to sleep right away. Especially after the night, you had night patrol walking the corridors at night to make sure no student was out of bed after hours. Waking up after those days was harsh, and often time you wished you didn't have morning classes to give, so you could stay in bed for a few more minutes to soak in the warmth of the heavy blankets, that were a welcome addition to your bed once the temperature in the castle started to drop on the last months of the year.

Often you found yourself, in your free time, down at the quidditch pitch, just soaring calmly in your broom, letting it float in the gentle breeze, laying down in your broom while looking up at the passing clouds. Sometimes you timed yourself, racing around the goalposts and back to see if you still had in you to do all the maneuvers in a timely manner. Trying to beat your own personal best times. All this made time pass so quickly that it was almost Christmas break when you blinked next.

It's been a tiresome week, so once you reach your room you basically pass out from exhaustion in your comfy four-poster and sleep on. At least until you are rudely awoken by the shooting pain in your leg and back, causing you to almost jump from the bed because of it. You try to take deep calming breaths to try and clear your head long enough to get up and limp to your desk where you kept your spare potions, only to find all the bottles empty, the pain giving an extra jolt through you as if mocking you for not being prepared.

You made up your mind and start walking to the supply cupboard, many many flights of stairs below you. You curse every step of the way, cursing whoever thought having that many stairs were a good idea. thirty painful minutes later you find yourself searching the cupboard in search of the correct ingredients only to find that there was no dragon liver in it. You sighed and started to walk over to the potion classroom down in the dungeons, there should be some in the storage of the ingredients there, or… you though, if you went directly to Severus office, he would have some for sure.

Taking the solution that provided you with certainty and not a 'might have' you decided to walk to Severus office, a crushing pain in your leg almost rendering it useless, making you have to clutch at the walls for support so you wouldn't collapse.

You walked down the corridor and knocked on the door, not expecting at all the gruff voice that came from the inside, sounding tired and annoyed to be getting disturbed at this late hour. You opened the door and walked in, slowly, taking in all the details of Severus' office. You could see him at his desk, buried behind heavy potion tomes, reading them diligently and taking in its knowledge.

"Good night Severus." you say in a low voice.

"(Y/N). It's late, should you not be asleep?"

"I would, but I ran out of my potion for the pain. And ingredients were missing in the teacher's cupboard… so I thought you might have some here in your office. I just wasn't expecting you to still be awake at this time working." you could hear his sigh and the scrape of his chair while he rose, pointing at the chair in the corner of his office for you to take a seat.

"You do seem in a lot of pain, is everything alright?" despite his blank facade, there was worry in his voice when he asked it, walking to a small cauldron in the corner and lighting a fire underneath it and pouring some ingredients inside of it, starting to turn a murky grey color.

"It's from an old injury that never truly left. Sometimes the pain comes back, and I usually have potions to take, but my stash has run out without me noticing and replenishing it back. You know you can just give me some dragon liver and I'll be on my way back to my room where I can brew the potions myself, no need to burned you with it."

"No need for that, I am after all the potions master in this school. I am more than capable of making you the potions and it would be no burned what so ever." he interrupts you, making you sink down further into the plush of the chair you were seated on.

"Very well then." you concede, while you keep watching him move around his office collecting all the ingredients he would need to make the potions, and then adding them to the steaming cauldron, the liquid inside changing colors occasionally.

"You know, you can let me be the one brewing them from now on, that way you would make sure you always have a reserved stash brewed on time, whenever you might need them." the offer surprised you. Severus was willingly offering himself to go out of his way to brew you your pain potions whenever you would need some more, and that seemed so out of character for him that you just stared blankly at him for a few moments before nodding in agreement, not trusting your voice to make itself be heard with the amount of pain you were still on.

"Very well then." he said, getting his attention back to the potion bubbling away in his cauldron. The pain had subsided a bit, but not enough to let you go back up the stairs to your room. "Dumbledore said you used to be the greatest player on top of a broom Hogwarts had seen for a while." was he really trying to make small talk?

"Hum…. yes, I guess. I left Hogwarts in my third year, so I was only here for a little while. It was enough to get me noticed by some quidditch teams. But after my accident, no one would take the chances."

"Accident?"

"It was in my last year of school in Ilvermorny, I had already been invited to make the team of Haileybury Hammers once I finished the school year, when it happened. I was playing a school match when a rogue bludger came hurtling at me and made me fall from my broom." he was intently looking at you, while stirring the cauldron, not wanting to lose any part of the story.

"What happened next?"

"I broke almost every bone in my body, spent the rest of the school year in the hospital wing in a coma, recovering. I was at risk of never walking again, let alone pick up a broom, so the team revoked their invite, and after I recovered, no other team would take me in, they didn't want to risk it."

"And the pain?"

"It resurfaces once in a while, there's only so much magic can heal. So I use the potions to numb the pain so I can go on with the rest of my day." he was now searching his shelves for an empty bottle to pour the liquid potion inside of it, having one vial to you right away so you could take it. "Thank you, Severus." the potion took a few minutes to start working, but once it did, you could feel all the pain ebbing away right away, instead of just numbing it like your potions usually did. "This one is quite a strong potion."

"Well, I wouldn't be much of a potions master if I couldn't make the potions stronger. Besides you seemed about to pass out from the pain, so I thought something stronger could be of help."

"Thank you, once again for it."

"I'll have new batched ready for you every week, if you need more sooner let me know, for now, I'll bottle the rest of the cauldron and deliver it to you in the morning." he walked to the door to open it, so you started to rise from the chair so you could leave the man alone, he was clearly done with your presence bothering him so late into the night, when he surprised you by supporting your back with his arm, accompany you to the door and out to the cold dungeon. "I'll accompany you to your room, to make sure you don't fall."

"You don't need to, I'll be okay…" he interrupts you by making a dismissive sound and waving his other hand around.

"It's no big trouble, I couldn't sleep anyway, so maybe having a walk before going to bed will help. So… is that why you took the flying instructor's position here?" he asked after a long pause of somewhat awkward silence.

"Yes. Flying was my everything, my parents were always on the move, so I learned how to fly in a broom from a very young age, being up in the clouds was my safe haven. Flying was one of my only constants, I never keep many friends since I rarely stayed for even one year in the same school. Hogwarts was the only one I stayed more time. Once I woke up, and they told me I might not walk again I wasn't worried about it, really, I was more worried I would have to give up on flying in my broom." Severus looked at you once you said that, almost like he understood the pain of what had to give up on something that you loved doing did.

"Dumbledor talks highly of your skills, he even said he was most pleased that you took the position, and he could see you teach the first years with all the knowledge you had." that made you smile. The students were taking your classes very seriously and because of that, you always let them have little games at the end of your classes, like dodgeball, but on a broom, training their fast reflexes on the broom, and letting them have fun in the process.

"I'm glad I took the position. I missed the bustle hustle of quidditch, so teaching it is the next best thing. And the students make it worth it."

"They could do with more discipline and attention in classes." he complained, making you stifle a giggle by the annoyed look he had on his face while talking about the students. But you could still hear the fondness he held for teaching them. The two of you reached your door and after helping you inside, and making sure you wouldn't fall off, Severus walked to the door slowly. "Good night (Y/N)." he said and left without much noise, leaving you to think about all that happened since you walked down to the dungeons a couple of hours before.

[loove-persevering]

Run To You (Shawn Mendes Blurb)

Description: I don’t see this being multiple parts but just a General fic idea. Shawn and reader have been together for maybe just a month. Reader is having a very hard time and wants to call Shawn but doesn’t think it’s best to bother him when he’s with his friends. Whatever the event was passes and Shawn finds out what’s been happening and talks to reader about it.

Thank you for this idea! I find myself writing this like a diary I recently lost a loved one and I have some really bad nights so honestly this is how I feel sometimes and so this is really personal to me thank you for letting me get this out!

 Warning: This mentions the death of a loved one, so if your having a hard time please don’t read. 

 It seemed just like any other night, Shawn was out with his friends so you were left at home alone. You were watching Grey’s Anatomy and scrolling through your phone, you noticed it was midnight and your snapchat memories from the previous years popped up. You click on them noticing the first picture to be your grandmother, you sat on the same picture for a few minutes just looking at the picture. You notice how genuine your smile was how your eyes crinkled from how happy you were. 

 Your grandmother had passed away a few months ago, it was really unexpected. She had cancer and a problem with her liver and the chemo basically destroyed the time she had left. Shawn was there with you through it all, he understood how hard it was on you and how close you were with her. He tried to be there as much as he could but it was nine months later and you were still mourning. 

 You felt the tears begin to fill your eyes as you looked at the photo, you let them fall not bothering to wipe them away. You click to the next photo seeing another of just your grandmother smiling and you felt a smile make it’s way to your lips. You decide to click out going to your voicemails you click on the last one from your grandma and her voice fills the speakers, you felt the tears streaming down your face as the voicemail went on. 

 You get off the couch turning it off, you walk into your bedroom and lay down on the bed turning off the lamp next to you. You lay your head sideways on the pillow still letting the tears fall as you laid there. You roll over putting your face into the pillow and let out a sob. You cried for a few minutes letting it all out, it felt like you hadn’t cried in so long. Your pillow felt damp from all the tears that had fallen, you knew you should call Shawn but this was his first night out with the guys in so long that you didn’t want to bother him. 

 You cried even harder at the thought that nobody else understood how upset you were, you had a special relationship and nothing could ever replace that and nights like these seemed to always eventually roll around. You sit up walking to the bathroom noticing your face was red and blotchy, something that always happened when you cried it was a dead giveaway for anyone who wanted to know if you were upset. You felt it begin to get harder to breath and you started gasping for air feeling like your throat was closing up. 

 ‘’Y/N?’’ You hear Shawn’s voice ask. You look over and standing at the bathroom door was Shawn his face was shocked and glanced over your body looking for injuries, ‘’Baby,’’ He says walking over to you wrapping his arms around your neck and you fall into him, your body felt like it was giving out and you were exhausted. 

 ‘’Im-I’m sorry,’’ You stutter out still not being able to breath. Shawn stays there hugging you rubbing your back as you cry into his shirt.

 ‘’Why are you crying?’’ He asks taking his body away from yours but you were still in reach of each other, He takes his hands putting them on your cheeks wiping your tears. 

 ‘’I just get really sad sometimes, I miss my grandma,’’ You admit to him, you sometimes felt like you were being just too emotional somedays but they just hit you and you couldn’t help it, the slightest thing that reminded you of her would make you cry. ‘’I’m sorry.’’ 

 ‘’Y/N, You don’t need to apologize,’’ He says to you looking into your eyes which were still filled with tears. ‘’Why didn’t you call me?’’ He asks. 

 You sigh and pull him back into a hug, your head laid on his chest and you hear him take in a deep breath before wrapping his arms around you. ‘’I didn’t want to ruin your guy’s night,’’ You say to him. 

‘’Y/N,’‘ He sighs. 

‘‘I know, you just haven’t been out with them in a long time and I didn’t want you to have to come home to this,’‘ You say. ‘‘I’m fine, I just need to be sad for a few hours and then I’ll be okay it’s always like this.’‘ You say to him. It really did seem like the same routine, you would go a few weeks being okay not crying and then all of a sudden you felt this wave of emotions just hit you and everything else just came with it. 

‘‘This happens often?’‘ He asks. He pulls away from the hug and takes your hand walking you over to the bed. You sit down and he takes the covers pulling them over you, you smile at him as you watch him undress down to only his boxers. He walks over picking up his side of the blanket and sliding in bed next to you. You both lay flat on your backs you were snuggled into his arm and your head was laying on top of his arm as he traces circles in your arm. You felt your self slowly regaining your breath as you took the time to calm down, also having Shawn there helped.

 ‘’I just get so sad sometimes, I don’t know why some weeks are just worse than others,’’ You admit to him, you feel him shift his head but you don’t move. ‘’Like tonight it was a snapchat memory she was in, I just can’t get over she was here a year ago and now she’s not.’’ You say feeling a tear roll down the side of your face. 

 Shawn leans up looking at you his head resting on his hand as he put his weight on his elbow leaning up to look down at you. ‘’I wish I could say something to make it better, to help you.’’ He says a pained expression on his face. You knew he wished he could help but it seemed like only time could do that, ‘’It’s okay to have bad days, It’s okay to be upset.’’ He says. 

 ‘’I know but being sad just makes me feel..weak I guess,’’ You say to him. ‘’I mean not really weak but like I don’t know I know I should be trying to stay positive because that’s what she would want but it’s so hard because she was apart of that positivity.’’ You say trying to explain yourself as best as you could. ‘’Like how can you be positive when a source of where you got that positivity is gone?’’ You ask him. 

 He doesn’t answer for a few seconds, ‘’You have to find some new positivity, not replace it but find something new that makes you happy.’’ He says. ‘’Like try art or do some writing?’’ He says to you. 

 You had no idea what you would write about, art was something you were always into but you were shit at doing it yourself. ‘’Maybe,’’ You say. 

You feel Shawn grab ahold of your hand intertwining your fingers, ‘’I’m here no matter what Y/N,’’ He says taking your hand and pulling it up and giving it a kiss, ‘’I want to help you, no matter how long it takes.’’ He says. You feel yourself smile and you turn your head to look at him, you lean up giving him a soft kiss on his lips. You pull away and lean your forehead against his closing your eyes. 

 ‘’Promise?’’ You ask him. 

‘‘I’m here, I promise.’‘ He says. 

Wellllll, This got very personal for me. For the most part everything I wrote in this imagine about the reader was spot on with my life right now. My grandma passed away a few months ago and I still have these panic attacks over it and still listen to her voicemails. It doesn’t happen too often but like I say some weeks are worse than others. Thanks for being inside my head for a bit.

[mashkaromanova]

Alexandra Feodorovna and Alexei Nikolaevich, 1911

“My dear Onor, 

My warmest congratulations to you on your birthday; I wish you all the very best, much happiness and blessings. How I remember this day last year. - How will you celebrate the festive day this time? I am sending you one or two small things from Peterhof and dried fruit from here. For my little godchild I have a small icon with my blessings (St Nicholas and St Barbara - it once lay on the relics of St Barbara). Perhaps it can be placed next to his bed if you do not mind. -

The weather is lovely and summery now - the first few days were rather cool. So far everything has gone splendidly and most touching - but then yesterday there was that terribly assassination attempt on Stolypin at the theatre. Thank God he slept for five hours and is not in great pain. He never lost consciousness. - Dr. Rein (Ella’s surgeon) and Botkin were at the scene immediately - he was taken off straight away by ambulance to a first class private clinic! He took Holy Communion - spoke very lucidly. They think he is out of danger. His liver seems to be only slightly affected. The bullet hit his Vladimir Cross and then bounced off in another direction. His hand is only slightly injured. They are expecting his wife tomorrow.

Fortunately, N.[icholas], O.[lga] and T.[atiana] were in the foyer when it happened; Tatiana came home very tearful and is still a little shaken whereas Olga put on a brave face throughout. Afterwards everyone sang the national anthem and a prayer of thanks, the entire audience, but by then my dear ones had already left. It was a Jew who did it; Stolypin was standing next to Freedericks and the War Minister at the balustrade very close to N.[icholas]’s box when it happened. Pray God he will make a full recovery.

It is such a sorrowful event, and I was not there with the others! - N. went off to some distant parade as early as 9 this morning - it will last from 10 1/2 till 2; yesterday and the day before he was at the manoeuvres. I hardly see him at all; he is busy all day long - driving here and there - so many things to see - and dinners. It’s been 15 years now since we were last here. - The location of the city is wonderful - very ancient - the early Christians once lived here. The most interesting things are constantly being excavated here - the Tartars were forever on the rampage and destroyed everything. 

Many saints have been buried in the grand monastery (lavra) - and one has a sense of how sacred the site is. The others visited the catacombs and Baby [Alexei] carried a candle with him, taking a good look at everything and asking the monk guiding them lots of questions. - My heart has been bad again for the past 3 days and so I have to rest lying down; my head aches as well. I have received a very comfortable bath-chair, which enabled me to lie out in the garden for 3 hours yesterday where we had tea. 

The garden has all different kinds of magnificent trees and the view out on to the Dnieper below is splendid. - N. is travelling over night to attend the consecration of a renovated ancient church - am expecting him back tomorrow evening. He will then travel by boat to Chernigov on Sunday evening (over night), and return (during Tuesday night) to arrive home at 10 on Wednesday morning. At 11 we will leave for Sevastopol, where we will stay on board for 10 days as the house is not ready yet. - Every day the children are taken for a drive to visit old churches and museums. I also send them off with N. when I cannot go with them - I have overtired myself wanting to do my best, but it was too much, and now I am paying the price. - 

I have send my letter off now. N. and I send tender greetings and kisses to you all. I again wish you all the best. I embrace you and remain your devoted Alix.

[P.S.] Tender kisses for Ernie and the boys. Give my best wishes to your siblings. The second small icon of St Barbara and the Mother of God is for my little godchild Dolla. -”

- Alexandra to Eleonore of Hesse, 2nd/15th September 1911

[megalony]

I do love you- Part 5

Another part of my latest series which I have gained some lovely feedback for.

Taglist: @marshmallowmae  @langdonzvoid  @mcrmarvelloki  @butlegendsneverdie  @jennyggggrrr  @reedusteinrambles

Series masterlist

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Slowly moving his arm that was resting just above (Y/n)'s head, Roger rubbed at his eyes that were beginning to burn from being awake for over twenty-four hours now. His other arm was secured around (Y/n)'s waist, his hand resting on her stomach which he couldn't seem to comprehend would be for the last night. The doctors had said that it would be best to have the C-section now and it was all prepared to happen in the morning.

It was around three in the morning and Roger had gotten half an hour of sleep at most. He couldn't sleep from knowing what was happening in the morning, their fate was yet to be decided and Roger couldn't handle not knowing how everything was going to work out. He had done and said everything his mind could think of to try and convince himself and (Y/n) that they had chances of coming out of this alright. That their baby was going to be okay and (Y/n) would be fine but he couldn't promise that and they both knew it.

(Y/n) had managed a little more sleep than Roger but not very much. It had taken a while for Roger to finally calm her down enough to try and get her to lay down and go to sleep. Neither of them had moved for over two hours now, a silence enveloping them as they weren't sure when the other was actually asleep or just deep in thought. Roger couldn't find it in himself to move his hand from her stomach as if something would happen when he did. He wanted to feel some sort of connection to their child in case the worst did happen.

"You okay?"

Roger knew it was a stupid question the moment it passed through his lips when he felt (Y/n) stirring in front of him. Of course she wasn't going to be okay, they were faced with the prospect that they were going to have to take the risk of losing their baby.

Leaning over Roger pressed his lips to her shoulder, feeling her hand resting over his own on her stomach.

"I keep thinking we're at home. That this isn't happening to us." (Y/n)'s voice was but a whisper in the darkness of the room. A silent wish that was never destined to be granted. All she wanted was for the situation to be different, in these past few hours they had laid in a comfortable yet also uncomfortable silence (Y/n) had tried to imagine their situation was different. She came up with an alternative reality where they were back at her apartment. Laying so close they were almost moulded together, thinking over how their lives were going to change in the best possible way soon.

(Y/n) imagined that Roger was cradling her stomach like this because he was so excited to meet their baby, that he was thinking of what gender it would be and thinking of everything they would do together. When in reality she knew that wasn't happening. The drummer behind her wasn't thinking what gender their child would be because he didn't care. He wasn't excited to meet their baby because he knew as well as she did and more so that their baby shouldn't be born yet. He wasn't thinking of everything they would do together because the odds were stacked against them in the way that they were more likely to lose their baby than get to watch them grow up.

Roger was cradling her stomach because right now their child was alive and up to now was stable which might not be the case when they were born in just a few hours time. He was savouring the moments he could grasp in case everything turned out differently.

"I tried that... I think it just makes it worse darling. We don't know what direction the wind will blow in a few hours from now, we just need to take it as it comes." Roger couldn't try and fool himself into thinking that they were at home or that (Y/n) and their baby were fine. He couldn't imagine that they were at 37 weeks or more and that their baby was ready to be brought into the world because when he came back to reality the crash was much worse than anyone could imagine.

They didn't know what was going to happen in the very near future, they needed to be prepared for anything but at the same time keep a certain level of optimistic thoughts to try and get them through. There was nothing else they could do.

"Do you think this is karma?" Roger didn't miss how her voice trembled as she spoke the words. She couldn't help but wonder if this was payback for the wrongs that they had done. For Roger cheating on his wife, for (Y/n) being the other woman and allowing them to sleep together when they both knew they shouldn't. For them not realising their feelings for each other before now, knowing that now was too late for no damage to be done to anyone.

"I don't believe in that, superstition or religion. It tends to fuck people up. I think that there was nothing we could have done to prevent this or see it coming. You got a rare condition and you're not well, nothing you or I did warranted this to happen, the world doesn't work in mysterious ways and things don't happen for a reason. They just happen as they do." Roger hated how karma got to people like it was getting to (Y/n) now. People did things in the heat of the moment and spent the rest of their lives just waiting for something bad to happen to them because they felt they deserved it. Some people didn't even do anything wrong and still thought something bad was going to happen or did happen because they deserved it.

They had fallen in love, that wasn't wrong. They had gone behind Roger's wife's back and they shouldn't but at the same time when his marriage was on the rocks, it wasn't hurting anyone any more than when he would have had to tell her he couldn't be with her anymore. They wanted their child, it wasn't as if they had begged for this to happen. Things didn't happen for a reason or as payback for something else in your life, it wasn't a mysterious way of the world. No one could stop this from happening or see it before it happened, this was how their lives had gone and they were having to deal with this.

A small groan suddenly left (Y/n)'s lips before she burrowed her face into the pillow. Her knees pulled up to her stomach as Roger pressed himself further into her back to try and lean over her, the pair of them lying on their right sides. His anxiety spiking at wondering what was suddenly wrong. 

Reaching out Roger turned on the light just as (Y/n) leaned over, her hands moving to grasp the cream coloured sick bucket before the contents of her stomach were unleashed. Feeling her hair gently being pulled behind her head for precaution as her eyes were almost closing. Her senses becoming drowsy from lack of sleep. When the sudden bout of sickness disappeared, (Y/n) placed the bucket back to the floor, her eyes falling closed as she tried to curl up on herself. Everything felt wrong, like all of her energy had been stolen and replaced with an unusual, unwell feeling. It wasn't exactly just feeling sick, it was as if she was running on last reserves like a car needing more fuel.

"W-what are you doing?" If this were any other time her eyes would have narrowed or even widened when she managed to crack her eyes open to see Roger pressing the emergency button. All she had done was throw up, it wasn't as if she was in crippling agony or throwing up blood. She felt herself close to falling asleep now anyway, couldn't he just let the silence wrap them up again? 

"You've got jaundice in your eyes and you've thrown up. Your liver's failing." Roger managed to catch a glimpse of her eyes before she closed them, not being able to stay awake for much longer. He had noticed the tinge of yellow to the whites of her eyes which was from the toxins in her blood that her liver hadn't broken down like it should have. That and being sick was a sign that her liver was beginning to fail which was always an option when her liver count had risen to a drastic point. Leaving her liver to become overworked and suddenly fail like this.

They couldn't wait any longer for their baby to be brought into the world, they needed to be born now before anything happened to (Y/n) that could cause Roger to lose them both.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A tightening feeling appeared in Roger's stomach when (Y/n)'s eyes began to flutter like butterfly wings. Her mind starting to come back to consciousness which was both a relief and a worry to Roger.

Their baby had been born just over an hour ago by C-section and (Y/n) hadn't been able to stay awake any longer which Roger had been expecting. The medication coursing through her system, the tiredness which her illness was causing and the trauma had sent her to sleep. Roger was relieved she was finally getting some kind of sleep but at the same time, he wanted her to be awake so he could know if she was alright. She didn't look too well from where he was sitting and it was scaring him to no end.

"Hey, sweetheart." Roger's voice was hoarse as he gingerly reached out to brush a stray strand of hair behind her ear. His other hand entwined with her own as he tried to stop the tears from falling. Everything was burning, his body was on fire from having little energy running through his veins and not having the nerve or the opportunity to sleep. When their baby had been born Roger had run down the corridor after the midwife who snatched their child up and tried to disappear. He followed and watched from the window to make sure their baby was alive and being cared for before drifting back to (Y/n). Then he couldn't find the ability to sleep when she wasn't well and could wake up at any moment. He needed to be awake to talk to her and calm her down.

"T-the baby..." (Y/n) mumbled, her free hand slowly moving to press to her temple where her head felt like it was splitting at the seams. She didn't remember much to anything since the medication was pushed into her bloodstream. Her mind had been numbed down, she couldn't even remember being told if they'd had a boy or a girl.

"We've got a little boy, sweetheart. He's in the ICU." Forcing her head to turn to her left, (Y/n) locked her drowsy eyes onto Roger. His lips trying to pull upwards into a smile but he couldn't seem to manage it. He knew they weren't out of the woods yet, (Y/n)'s liver wasn't back to working order yet and even though their boy was alive it didn't mean he was okay. They didn't know if any of his organs were under-developed if he had anything wrong such as breathing difficulties or anything wrong with his brain. All they knew was he was alive and right now that wasn't very much to go on.

"Is he okay?"

"I think they're running some tests... he's rather small." Roger couldn't give a straight answer to that because there wasn't one to give. He had only seen his son for a little while, the nurses had fussed over him too much for Roger to be able to watch over him. Only knowing they were getting ready to run some tests and straight away put him in an incubator trying to keep him warm as they tended to him. "How are you feeling?"

(Y/n) thought on the answer for a moment.

The sickness she had felt a few hours previous was no longer there, although she couldn't be sure whether that was because of whatever drugs they were medicating her with or because she really was getting better. Her head was woozy and starting to split open from everything that had been happening but that was nothing unusual or unexpected. (Y/n) couldn't tell if her liver was any worse, the same or maybe a little better so that was alright up to now, and her eyes were back to normal anyway so her vision was not a problem.

If she based her answer to the question on those things alone she would say she felt okay. That she was doing alright as far as it goes.

But she couldn't say that. (Y/n) couldn't say that she was fine because deep down she wasn't. There was an emptiness that felt like a void was taking over her system, starting in her abdomen. Something was clearly missing and it didn't take a genius to work out what that something was. (Y/n) was missing their little boy, she was without him now to save herself because she grew worse every day she tried to give him that little bit longer. She had evicted him to save herself and now she felt hollow without him. So how could she say that she was alright when she felt like this?

"Empty."

That one word broke the barrier that had been put up to stop Roger from shedding any more tears. Nothing came to mind for him to respond with to that broken response. He could tell (Y/n) that her liver count hadn't risen but so far hadn't lowered yet, or that her blood was no longer starting to breakdown according to the last blood test. He could tell her she should begin to feel better by the end of the day that hadn't long begun. None of that mattered when she felt like something had been stolen from her. How would knowing she wasn't getting any worse help when that didn't change the way she was feeling? Roger had no news for her that would enlighten her or alleviate her fears for their little boy because he didn't know anything.

"Can you go see him? I'm not going anywhere... please check on him." (Y/n) didn't like the thought of Roger sitting here with her when their boy was somewhere else in the hospital separated and alone. She wasn't going to go anywhere and it wasn't like she was in pain or needed consoling. She could just go to sleep or stare at the walls and wait for the medication to burn out in her system so she felt more awake than this. There was no point for Roger to stay here with her when he could be more use watching over their son and checking to know what was wrong with him.

"Alright. Try and sleep, I'll come back in a little while." Roger responded after a moment of pause. Gently unclasping his hand from her own as he pushed himself to shaking legs, leaning down to kiss her forehead before trailing out of the room.

Making his way down the corridor Roger turned left and then another left, his mind having the map of the hospital laid out and ready so he didn't have to squint to read the directions set up above doorways. His aching feet carrying him to the neonatal ICU, somewhere that before now Roger had never had the need to go to in the hospital. His head turning to the left to glance through the window of the room where his son and other newborns were being cared for. That same tightening he felt when (Y/n) was beginning to wake suddenly clenched at his stomach out of nowhere as he felt like all the air had been stolen from his lungs.

His head beginning to shake as a small, silent round of 'no' passed through his slightly parted lips when his eyes noticed there were two nurses fussing over one of the newborns. Roger wasn't forgetful, he had memorised where his son was in the room and he was right where the nurses were now meaning something was wrong.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to wait outside please." A third nurse seemed to appear from thin air just as Roger took two strides into the room. The panic clearly written over every part of his face as he looked to the nurse blocking his path. Her hand resting on his arm to try and nudge him out of the room he was no longer allowed in for the time being. His head beginning to shake in disagreement as he rubbed furiously at his eyes to try a feeble attempt at stopping the waterworks.

"That's my boy. What's wrong with him, what are you doing?" Reaching his arm out Roger pointed over to the incubator that held his son, not even being able to catch one glimpse of his newborn for the nurses blocking him from sight.

"He stopped breathing on his own, we're having to put him on a ventilator to breathe for him."

Roger put up no fight when she guided him out of the room. He didn't feel anything when his legs decided they could no longer hold him up and allowed him to crash land to the polished floor. He couldn't hear her voice asking him if he was alright and trying to check what was wrong with him all of a sudden. Leaning forward Roger rested his head on his knees, his hands becoming lost in his tangled and knotted hair as he himself could no longer breathe either. Maybe he was going to lose his boy after all.

[madpanda75]

Sorry to bother you again hahaha but your imagines are wonderful so here is my request : What about Rafael and Y/N babysitting Noah and they are enjoying this and he start to talk with her about having a baby

“Adventures in Babysitting”

First of all, it’s never a bother to ask me to write! I love doing it….I just wish I had more time to devote to it 😂 Anyways, I hope you liked this, it was fun to write. Also if you’ve never stepped on a lego….consider yourself lucky! 

Tags: @amirightcounsellor, @obfuscateyummy, @letty-o, @lyssa1385 @sweetsummertime99, @burningsorr0ws, @sonnysdoll and if anyone else wants to be tagged in my writing, let me know!

Fits of laughter filled the air while you pretended to munch on Jesse Rollins’ little toes. Your good friend and coworker invited you over for dinner with her and her daughter, you jumped at the chance to have a little girl talk and get in some baby time. Amanda came out of the kitchen with a bowl of popcorn, “I think my daughter likes you more than me.”

“Well Jesse has good taste.” You teasingly said. Amanda playfully rolled her eyes, watching her little girl interact with you. “Do you ever think about having kids?”

You sighed and handed Jesse over to her mother, “I don’t know, it’s not something I ever really thought of before, but now things are different.” Amanda softly smiled at you, “I never thought I would be a mom, but now that I have Jesse, I can’t imagine life without her. She’s the best thing I’ve ever done.”

Nodding your head, you looked down at Jesse, the baby giggled and clapped her hands. The three of you enjoyed the rest of your evening watching bad reality tv and munching on popcorn until it was time to go.

Becoming a wife let alone a mother was never something you had planned on, you were perfectly happy with your career as a forensic psychiatrist. Life took an unexpected turn; however, when your mentor, Dr. Huang, recommended you for a job as a criminal profiler with Manhattan’s SVU squad and you met Rafael Barba. Now here you were two years later, engaged and completely in love with the ADA. Both you and Rafael were committed to your jobs, the thought of children had never entered your head before and he never breached the subject.

Lately, it seemed as if children were all you could think about. You would see them everywhere, the subway, the elevator, all of your friends were having babies, you even had dreams about them.  A part of you wondered if it was your biological clock ticking a little earlier than expected, but it was more than that. It had taken a while for yourself to admit, but you did want babies and everything that came with it, macaroni art, sweet little kisses, dance recitals, bedtime stories, you wanted it all and you wanted it with Rafael. The only problem was you didn’t know if he felt the same way.

The next day, you walked into the SVU squad room after being called in to profile a perp believed to be targeting senior citizens. Once the interview was over, you entered Liv’s office to give her your opinion of the man and if he was capable of the crime. Afterwards you exited the bullpen when Olivia called your name.

“Y/N, I hate to do this, but I’m wondering if you were free tonight to watch Noah. Tucker called and we had plans to meet, but Lucy has the flu and can’t babysit.” Olivia had taken her breakup with Tucker hard, you knew she missed him and how important this date was, plus you adored Noah.

“Absolutely, just let me know what time.”

Olivia smiled, “You’re a lifesaver! Thank you! If you could stop by at 6 tonight that would be great.”

She walked away to take a call while you waited for the elevator doors to open only to run into your fiancé. The two of you had been so busy that past week you had barely seen each other, only passing each other on the way to work and crashing into bed during the evening. “Hey cariño!” Rafael gave you a quick kiss on the lips. “I have to talk to Liv, but I’m glad I ran into you. I made the dinner reservations tonight for 7.”

You mentally kicked yourself in the head for forgetting your date with Rafael. This would have been your first night together without any distractions from work in weeks and you both were looking forward to it. “Yeah….about tonight. I may have just agreed to babysit Noah for Liv.”

Rafael sighed and looked up at the ceiling, exasperated. “Y/N, I can’t believe you forgot. I made this reservation two weeks ago.” He lead you down the hall out of the way of prying eyes, pulling you into an embrace. “I was hoping to get some alone time with you,” he purred in your ear, going straight to your center and making you wish you had turned Liv down.

“Believe me nobody wants a night alone with you more than your sex starved fiancé, but Liv is meeting Tucker tonight. You know how she was when they broke up, this is important to her.” Rafael raised his eyebrow, “What am I, chopped liver?”

“You know you’re my world, Rafi.” You smiled and kissed his lips, feeling him begin to relax under your touch. “Why don’t you tag along? I’m sure Liv won’t mind and you like Noah. When he goes to sleep We can pretend we’re teenagers and make out on the couch.”

Rafael snorted a laugh, “Ok, anything to spend some time with you. I’ll let Liv know I’m tagging along.”

The evening got off to a bumpy start, within the first twenty minutes of babysitting, Rafael stepped on a lego. He cursed, clutching his socked foot as he hopped over to the couch. “Uncle Rafa said a bad word!” Noah exclaimed.

Your fiancé rubbed his temples, feeling a headache begin to set in as the little boy ran around the living room, shouting. To make matters worse, while you and Rafael were heating up dinner, Noah had managed to take his cellphone and switch the language preference to Turkish. The ADA was less than pleased.

While feeding Noah pizza, you looked over at your fiancé while he grumbled trying to fix his phone. “Maybe Rafael isn’t really a kid person, maybe it would be better if we didn’t have children,” you thought to yourself.

After dinner, Noah walked over to Rafael who was still working on his phone. “I’m sorry I broke your phone, Uncle Rafa.” The ADA looked down into the little boy’s big blue eyes and softly smiled, his anger and frustration melting away under the child’s gaze. “It’s ok. It was an accident.” Noah reached out and gave the man a hug. You smiled, watching their interaction from the kitchen.

Rafael got up to help you put the dishes in the dishwasher. “You’re a total softie, Rafi.” He smiled at you and gave you a quick kiss on the lips, “Don’t give away my secret, mi amor.”

“Hey guys, I have a great idea.” You said upon entering the living room. “Let’s have a dance party!” Noah jumped up and down, “Dance party!!!!”  The three of you hopped around the living room, dancing to music from your playlist. The best was when Noah insisted on listening to the Village People and you watched Rafael rock the hell out YMCA.

After you all were out of breath from your impromptu dance party, Noah had you pretend to be a princess. He and his elephant were going to rescue you from Rafael who was supposed to be an evil wizard holding you captive.

“Save me Noah! You’re my only hope!” You cried out while Rafael did his best evil wizard impression. “Never fear! Eddie and I will save you.” Noah declared.

After your heroic rescue, Rafael cleaned up the living room while you put Noah to bed and read him a story. He smiled when he overheard you doing funny voices as you read “The Stinky Cheese Man” making the little boy laugh.

The ADA never thought he would get married or become a father. He had closed that chapter of his life a long time ago, but then you came into his world and everything seemed to change. His heart swelled at thought of you being a mother to his child.

Rafael tiptoed over and watched as you finished the story and tucked Noah in. “I love you Y/N. Good night.” The little boy said snuggling closer to the stuffed elephant.

You felt tears pool in your eyes, “I love you too Noah. Sweet dreams.” Running a hand through his curls, you turned off the lights and gently shut the door.

You sat next to Rafael, laying your head on his shoulder, he wrapped his arm around you. “You’re going to be a wonderful mother someday.” Staring at your fiancé, you felt a lump form in your throat. In all the years you’ve know him, he had never said anything like that before. “You ever think about having kids?” He tentatively asked.

“Yes, I do,” you answered. “Do you?”

Rafael nodded his head, “I never thought it would happen for me, but now, honestly there’s nothing I want more than to have a baby with you. What do you think Y/N?”

The tears were streaming down your face, “Ok…lets make a baby.” Your fiancé smiled and looked around, “Right here, right now?” You laughed and playfully smacked at his chest, “Rafael Barba!”

Your fiancé laughed and looked down at you lovingly as he ran his fingers through your hair, “Let’s have a baby, Y/N.” Wiping the stray tears from your eyes, he cupped your face and kissed you gently. “I love you.” You whispered against his lips.

“I love you too.” He turned his head to deepen the kiss, his tongue seeking entrance into your mouth. You placed your arms around his neck, both of you so wrapped up in each other and the moment that you didn’t hear Olivia open the door. “I knew I would come home to find the two of you making out like teenagers.” You blushed while your fiancé rolled his eyes at his friend.

The two of you said your goodbyes before leaving the apartment. Once alone inside the elevator, he pushed you against the wall, his hands roaming your form. “So about this baby, I think it would be incredibly beneficial if we go home and practice.” He purred as he kissed down your neck, making you giggle into a soft moan. “Well, practice makes perfect.”

You paced the floor in the living room, waiting for your fiancé to come home. Sighing, you looked down at the three pregnancy tests in your hand. All of them positive. You laughed to yourself, placing a hand on your stomach, you were pretty sure you could pinpoint the time of conception. About a month ago when you and Rafael had gotten home after babysitting Noah, the two of you had “practiced” all night long.

Hearing the door open, you sighed, hoping Rafael would be as excited as you were. “Y/N, you home?” Walking down the hallway, he found you standing expectantly in the living room, your one hand holding the tests behind your back. “Everything ok?” He asked taking in your nervous appearance.

You gifted him a smile, shuffling your feet a bit, “Raf, remember that night at Olivia’s where we decided that we both wanted children.”

“Yes,” he replied, his heart beating fast, hoping you would tell him the news he wanted to hear ever since that night.

You moved your hand from behind your back, showing three positive pregnancy tests. “Well, looks like it’s going to happen sooner than we thought.” He took the tests from you, his eyes darting between you and the three sticks in his hand.

“Yeah, I peed on those. So you may not want to handle them too much.” You said with a nervous giggle. Rafael didn’t say anything for a few minutes, staring down at the tests before he looked at you with tears in his eyes. “You’re….you’re….pregnant? I’m going to be a father?”

You nodded your head, feeling your own tears begin to form. Your fiancé smiled the biggest brightest smile you had ever seen. He laughed and scooped you up in his arms, twirling you around the living room before setting you down on the floor, his hand moved down to your lower abdomen, currently housing your child.

Rafael held you close, your tears of joy melding together, heads reeling over the reality that you two were going to be parents

[tarithenurse]

Undercover ch. 9

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader Contents: a tad of angst, maybe some cussing, mentions of past trauma and current injuries, finally a lot more fluff. A/N: This is the last chapter, because if I don’t restrain myself you’d end up with a book length fic. Thank you for reading. Thanks specifically for the feedback to those who have commented <3

9 - The last Chapter?

Something is itching the back of my hand, but my limbs are too heavy too move and lying in the plush, warm cocoon is the most comfortable I can remember being for half an eternity. I can’t recall how long. Stirring my sluggish memories, I catch fragments and glimpses out of order. It feels like I should know the combination in much the same way as a puzzle I know I’ve completed in the past, but don’t remember the image of and looking at the individual pieces gives too little information. To top it all off, each attempt makes my brain work slower. It makes me tired.

The itch on my hand is back. Maybe that’s what wakes me again or perhaps it’s the distant murmur of voices. Who’s talking? The female voice doesn’t belong to any of the girls, and the man…no, that’s not how the boss’s goons would talk to us. I have to fight my eyelids before they agree to stay up, allowing me to look around the room I’m in. White and blue linen covers the bedding which in turn is tugged neatly down on either side by the bed rails. I find my hands lying on top of the covers, and into the back of one of these slightly alien limbs is a dropline. Oh…that would explain. Fumbling, I try to get my hands to meet over my belly, but somehow, I’ve got my left arm stuck in some wires, and I feel the tug on my skin under the white hospital gown I’ve been dressed in. Grabbing the wires, I tug sharply the other way, and I’m mighty proud of myself as I feel them let go of whatever plug they’ve been in…but the pride evaporates the instant an incessant beeping fills the room. It’s not loud as such, just annoying enough that I try to block it out by clasping my palms to my ears.

A door, which I only now notice, is slammed open to grant entrance to a flock of people. There she is, leading the charge and with the red hair whipping around her face. Natasha. She’s got jeans and a tank top on with a sweater over that looks a million sizes too big, completely different from the monochrome suit she last was sporting, but even in casual clothes the agent’s still unable to hide that she’s ready to fight anything if she must.

“[Y/N]!” It’s a wonder to behold as the thin line of a mouth unfurls into a bright smile, making Natasha’s face radiate. “You’re awake…kept me waiting long enough, babe.”

The endearment awakens butterflies in my belly. She’s by the bedside now, ignoring the doctors and nurses who’re plugging the wires back in the machine and do all sorts of other things. I can’t be bothered to check what they’re busy with either, all I care about is her smile and the way she holds my hand as if I might take off running any minute. But where would I go? In fact…

“Where are we?” I grimace at the hoarseness of my voice.

Reaching out, Natasha brushes some hair out of my face. “Somewhere safe.”

Although it’s comforting to hear, it’s not very informative or even surprising. Anything involving this kind of medical care and this hero must be good. The entire place is, now that I begin to look around, impressively high-tech and too spacious to be part of any publicly accessible hospital, not to mention that the bit of the view through the windows is full of sky and the top of buildings trying to reach as high as the one we’re in. By the door that everybody came running through is the triangular shape of Captain America and a smaller, but well trained, guy with short, messy hair. He looks friendly enough, I try to convince myself half-heartedly.

“You remember Steve, right?” Natasha has been watching me as I take in the surroundings.

“Yeah.”

The Captain. The hero of old, an incorruptible good guy according to all the stories I’ve heard. For me, however, it’s hard to feel any trust at the sight of him because of what he is: a guy. So what if both of those men helped at the club? The sight of them makes me tense.

Next to me the perfect face brightens with a new smile as if she’d expected me not to recall anything. “The other guy’s Clint, he’s my best friend.” Leaning in to rest her forehead against mine, she whispers, “Why didn’t you say you got hurt? We would have gotten you out of there.”

“Didn’t realize, I think.” Her brows furrow against my skin. “I had to uhm…had to see the b-that Stein got what he deserved.”

Never before in my life had I shot anyone, and not only had I expected it to be harder to actually pull the trigger, I also don’t feel any of the guilt I thought I would have to deal with. Maybe it’ll come. Pushing the concern away, I refocus on my body, sensing a dull ache in my right side for the first time. Yanking the covers and the gown they’ve dressed me in aside reveals very little (except that the movements makes it hurt a bit more) because the area is covered by thick bandages.

“It’s time [Y/N] gets some rest.”

It’s a petite Asian doctor talking, and she might as well have cast a spell because my eyelids get too heavy to keep open and the voices seem to come from further and further away.

…

I’m not entirely awake at first, but the pain that burns through my right side as I try to turn does the trick. Swearing loudly doesn’t soothe the pain, but it feels good anyways and I add few extra for good measure.

“You were lucky,” the petite Asian doctor addresses me from the door, “out of all the things that could’ve happened, it only hit your liver.” She’s made it to the tower of screens and is studying my vitals or whatever it shows. “I’m Doctor Helen Cho, by the way. You might be able to go home in a week if you come back daily the first while and someone’s there to look after you.”

Home. The home I’ve had is not a place I want to go back to, and before that…no, that’s not an option. “That…might not be possible.” I really try not to sound pathetic. “I’ve got no one and nowhere.”

Nearly black eyes pierce me as I lie there in the hospital bed. “Miss Romanoff would be sad to hear that…” The tiniest of smiles is tugging at a corner of Doctor Cho’s mouth. “She didn’t leave your side until the day you woke up, and since then only under protests.”

…

At first, I don’t like not knowing where I am, but as time passes where people are treating me nicely and the doctors and nurses tend to the wound expertly…it changes. They acts like they want me to get better for my sake and not to make money off of me. Both Steve and Clint drop by a few times, and the initial mistrust starts to fade slightly as they tell about their lives as Avengers. I almost start to enjoy their company, but what truly keeps my spirit up is Natasha.

Doctor Cho’s right about Natasha who insists on staying at my bedside at any opportunity, sometimes she chats about anything on her or my mind and if not, then we just sit quietly together. It feels right to be close to her and the feeling’s bolstered when she introduces the habit of holding my hand and I discover myself recalling the kiss we shared at the club. Her lips had been soft and demanding, molding perfectly against mine...but each time the urge to recreate that sensation presents itself, I get too nervous. Why would anyone want me for who I am? It’s too foolish, too conceited, to dream that Natasha’s feelings could be at all similar to mine, that she’d want to hook up with me when she knows what life I’ve led.

…

We’re watching a movie one evening, when she pauses it and turns to look at me. Her grey eyes scrutinize the tiniest change in my mimic, making me nervous.

“[Y/N]. I can barely begin to imagine what sort of hell you’ve lived in and everything you’ve had to survive…” She bites her lip in a way that makes me wish it was my teeth…or lip. But still I look away because I don’t want to talk about my time as Stein’s property. “[Y/N]…” The slender hand cups my cheek, turning my head carefully, gently. “You don’t have to talk about it, but if I say or do something that upsets you because of it...please tell me.”

“Uh…’kay.” A heavy lump is cooling down my stomach and making it hard to breathe right.

Natasha repositions herself before continuing. “Normally, I’d just…do it, but I don’t wanna scare you so…is it alright if I kiss you?”

I don’t answer, I just go for it, crushing my lips against her mouth greedily and ignoring the pain in my side. Her reaction is tender, and she allows me to set the pace as the kiss deepens and my tongue runs over her lips in search of a gap to slip through. She tastes of sweet bubble gum and the coffee she’s been drinking earlier. As if on their own, my hands reach to hold this fabulous woman closer, but the movement makes me wince.

“Okay. Alright.” She coos, pushing me gently back onto the bed. “I don’t want you hurt, babe. You need to get well so you can get out of the med-bay.” And go where? “Well…about that…” It’s impossible to hide the blush when I realize I must have spoken out loud. “Would you want to live with me? Maybe find out if we can work things out together? I don’t like the idea of you alone somewhere and…and…well, it makes me happy to wake up and know I’ll see you the same day.”

The lump in my stomach had melted while we were exploring each other’s mouths, in its place are butterflies and a serene feeling of belonging and a happiness I can’t recall ever having felt.

“I’d love that, Tasha.”

…

[rambling-at-midnight]

The Dangers of Sarcasm: Part 2 (final)

The clock continues to blare, much to Sam’s intense annoyance, so eventually he just yanks the cord out of the wall when he discovers he can’t make sense of the many buttons on its surface.

His surroundings are both too simple and too complicated for Sam to make much sense of. The only decoration on the grey-colored walls is a canvas with the words ‘God bless kale— Samuel Winchester’ written in fancy cursive.

Sam frowns. “What?” That’s not something he would ever say, both because you and Dean would ridicule him for it endlessly, and also because he likes eating healthy, but it’s not that important to him. Also, who would ever have that quote on their wall? That’s ridiculous.

There’s nothing unusual about the room, save for the fact that Sam didn’t go to sleep here and he’s never seen it before in his life. You would absolutely hate the black bedsheets and pillowcases, insisting on at least a navy blue. There always had to be a little bit of color and music around you or you go crazy. It’s one of the things Sam loved about you.

Sam frowns. Why’s the thinking in the past tense? Just because he doesn’t know where you are doesn’t mean you’ve, like, died or anything. That would be ridiculous. Everyone knows you can’t die. You’re one of the best hunters ever, plus even imagining you dead is laughable. Nothing could keep you from standing back up, not even Death himself.

The bathroom is the same: only the essentials in the cabinets, the place as spotless as if nobody even lives in the place. The entire house, way too large for just Sam, is the same way. It may just be a regular house, but one person doesn’t need this whole space.

Sam laughs. “This is ridiculous,” he mutters. “I don’t live here. I don’t know what this is. I don’t know how I got here.” But still, he can’t help but feel that this is the place he lives now, and it’s much too large and quiet: the opposite of the Impala, which is always blaring rock and alive with your laughter, cramming the two large Winchesters and slighter Singer into their seats and with beer coolers on the floor.

The only possible explanation Sam has for waking up here is somehow getting super drunk and wandering into someone’s house, but they probably would have noticed and Sam didn’t even drink more than a beer last night before heading to Barnes and Noble with you. So that’s pretty much out of the question.

The fridge is what Sam wishes you and Dean would eat more: all healthy foods; stuff like kale (Sam thinks about the quote upstairs) and lettuce.

It’s when Sam opens his cupboard that stuff gets interesting.

There’s an entire shelf of salt. On each lid someone had drawn a devil’s trap.

On the shelf below the salt is another shelf stocked with only one product: spray paint.

“Definitely a hunter’s house,” Sam mutters. On a hunch, he lifts up the corner of a rug. In this cold, dark house, a rug seems out of place; a cold stone floor would be more fitting. Sam’s beginning to think this place is just an elaborate dungeon. It certainly feels as oppressive as one.

Just as he’d suspected, there’s a Devil’s trap painted onto the floor underneath it. Sam bets there’s one under every rug and bed in the house. It’s what he would do if he had a house.

Sam climbs the stairs back up to the bedroom. His phone is lying on the bedside stand, but it doesn’t have the occasional crack on its screen from getting thrown around by monsters and it’s not slightly bent at the bottom right corner. It’s pristine, just like the house.

He pulls open the one drawer, hoping for a clue as to who the house belongs to, but the contents inside only confuse him more: a CD and a single glossy photo Sam’s almost sure he doesn’t remember taking: you and him, so young it was obviously taken before he went to college, talking, sitting cross-legged and face to face in front of the Impala.

Sam and you talking isn’t exactly a monumental occurrence, so that scene could very well have happened, but Sam knows for a fact that no one in his family is particularly fond of taking photos. So who took this photo of you and Sam together?

Dean.

The thought comes to him completely unprompted. It definitely wasn’t Dean; that wasn’t something Dean would ever take a picture of. Dean prefers to take embarrassing photos of you and Sam for blackmail, not something that could even be considered sweet. It goes against his ‘tough guy’ persona.

Now that he’s thinking of his brother, Sam has a thought that he should’ve had the second he woke up but for some reason didn’t. He dials his brother’s number. Dean picks up on the second ring.

“Hello?”

Sam sags with relief at his brother’s voice. “Dean! Hey, Dean, where are you? Are you at the motel room?”

“Who is this?” his brother asks instead of answering.

Sam frowns. His brother has his number saved in his phone, all of them. “Dean, it’s me. Sam.”

Dean hangs up.

“What the hell?” Sam mutters, running a hand through his hair, and calls his brother again. Dean picks up on the first ring this time.

“I don’t know if you’re actually Sam or just a monster, but don’t call me. Call again and I’ll kill you.”

“Wait! Dean—”

He hangs up again.

“What the hell is going on?” Sam asks himself. Why would Dean be angry with him? He hadn’t done anything last night, had he?

Maybe he’d accidentally hurt Baby. That would definitely be something that Dean would try to kill him for.

Sam dials again.

Dean picks up with an exaggerated sigh and immediately starts talking. “Look, man, I don’t know if you can’t hear suddenly, but I don’t want to hear from you. Like, at all. So leave me the fuck alone.”

“Wait! Please don’t hang up,” Sam pleads, sensing that his brother’s thumb is hovering over the ‘End Call’ button. He knows Dean. “Dean, something happened and I woke up in this strange house and there’s a quote on the wall that says it’s by me, but I’ve never said ‘God bless kale’ in my life, so—”

“Sam, you say ‘God bless kale’ every day,” Dean interrupts. “I’m pretty sure the words are what you cry out during sex.”

That definitely sounds like Dean.

“Look, where are you?” Sam asks desperately. “I’m seriously freaking out, man. I don’t know what’s going on.”

Dean’s voice is hard when he speaks. “Are you with the FBI? You’re not tracking this call, are you? God damn it, Sam.”

“No!” Sam almost pulls his hair out. “I’m not with the FBI, I swear. Dean, we’re both on their Most Wanted lists.”

“ I am,” Dean corrects. “What is your deal?”

Sam frowns. “I don’t know.” His brother doesn’t sound like Dean; his voice is too unconcerned, too cool. Sam’s only ever heard him use that tone of voice with monsters that try pleading for their lives. He checks the date on his phone. It’s the correct day and year. “Yesterday I was hunting with you and Y/N and then I woke up here—”

“Shut up!” Dean barks. Sam flinches. “What, so this is just all coming from a dream? You’re such an ass, Sam. You made your choice and I made mine. I still can’t believe you sometimes.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Sam roars. “Something’s going on, Dean!”

Dean doesn’t say anything for a while, so long that Sam has to check that he hasn’t hung up again. Finally, he says, “Okay, then what’s your problem?” Even after all this time, Dean’s a sucker for his younger brother. Other hunters say he’s too nostalgic.

“Dean, yesterday we were in Long Pine, Nebraska, staying in the Long Pine Bunkhouse, hunting a rugaru, and I woke up today in this strange place.”

“How’d you know where I am and what monster it is?” Dean snaps.

“Because we were hunting it together yesterday!” Sam replies exasperatedly. Why is it taking his brother so long to understand this?

“Sam, you haven’t hunted with me since you went to college,” Dean replies.

“What?” Sam screws up his face with confusion. “Oh, come on, Dean, this isn’t some prank you and Y/N are pulling on me, is it?”

Dean laughs, but it’s a sound that isn’t happy. “Sam, trust me, Y/N doesn’t have anything to do with this. Whatever ‘this’ is.”

“Why not?”

“You killed her.”

Sam shows up at the Long Pine later that day, ignoring nonstop calls from someone named Nancy. Dean opens the door when he knocks, and Sam’s greeted by three things: holy water to the face, a silver knife, and his brother’s face.

Sam doesn’t remember him having so many scars or hair that short, but he takes the knife and draws a thin cut on his upper arm. Dean nods, finally satisfied, and lets him into the room.

“You do know that if you brought FBI and you’re faking this whole freakout, I’m going to kill you, right?”

Sam looks into his brother’s eyes and finally finds out what it feels like to be a monster the Winchesters are hunting. There’s no teasing in his brother’s eyes, no warmth, nothing. He really would kill Sam and the FBI squad that would show up if he was lying. “I’m not faking it.”

Dean nods and picks up a beer from the bedside stand. As Sam looks around more, he realizes his brother’s room looks like a trash pit. Surely his brother’s liver can’t be well off, considering how much beer he appears to drink. And that’s saying something, considering how much beer Sam is used to his brother drinking. “All right, spill.” Dean pulls out his trusty handgun and rests it on his knee, pointed at Sam.

“I honestly have no idea what happened,” Sam says honestly. “Yesterday we finished up that rugaru hunt and then we went to a bar. Y/N and I left early to go to Barnes and Noble and then we slept in the Impala because you were taking a girl to the motel room. Then I wake up in a pretentious home with the quote ‘God bless kale’ on the wall—I mean, what the hell?”

Dean pulls his phone out of his pocket and taps the screen a few times before handing it to Sam. It’s a YouTube video of Sam, but it doesn’t quite look like him. He’s wearing glasses  and his hair is slicked back and slightly shorter than it should be.

“Ew,” Sam mutters and Dean huffs out a laugh.

“That’s exactly what I thought.”

The Sam in the video paces around a stage, spewing all sorts of pretentious health tricks and stuff about not letting anything hold you back, not even family. He ends the speech with “I mean, God bless kale, am I right?”

Sam makes a face. “I—that’s—I’ve never—”

Dean just sits and watches him.

Sam quickly searches both his and his brother’s names. Dean’s been on the FBI’s Most Wanted list since ‘09 and Sam has his own law firm.

Finally, Sam searches for you.

“Y/N Singer was convicted for multiple counts of murder, arson, grave desecration, and sentenced to the death penalty. Her sentence was carried out on February 23, 2009,” Sam reads out loud and puts a hand to his mouth. Dean watches him, eyes calculating.

Sam sprints to the bathroom and empties the contents of his stomach into the toilet bowl.

“I hope you had that same reaction the day it happened,” Dean says coldly, leaning one shoulder on the doorframe and watching as his little brother retches.

“You said I killed her,” Sam says weakly once he’s finished, slumping against the side of the bathtub.

“You went into law, missing Dad be damned, and rose through the ranks of your pretentious law firm,” Dean says, crouching down so he can look his brother in the eyes as he reminds him of his sins, because it would appear he’s forgotten.

Dean’s so livid Sam can’t even see it. How Sam could forget what he had done, how he could dare to speak your name out loud, it baffles him. There’s no excuse. “You were assigned to prosecute Y/N when she was caught, I guess. And your reputation was too important, so you made sure she was sentenced. You know what you told me?”

Sam hugs his knees to his chest. “What?”

“You said you’d help her get out. And then you didn’t, because they could have caught you. And she died.” Dean turns away so Sam can’t see the struggle on his face. Sam can’t be faking this memory thing, because he knows that what he did was unforgivable and that Dean had sworn to kill him if he ever saw him again. So for Sam to show up on his doorstep, acting like the brother he remembers from their shared childhood… the only explanation is that he really is having an episode or whatever.

“Y/N never hurt a person,” he says softly, starting to vibrate with anger. “She was the sweetest hunter I ever knew. You loved her, Sam.”

Sam shuts his eyes and shakes his head.

���You loved her! And you killed her!” Dean bellows. “Because you couldn’t handle losing a case!”

“That wasn’t me!” Sam yells. “I would never, Dean!”

“That’s what I thought, too!” Dean shouts, his face turning red, fists clenching so he doesn’t reach for his gun. “You forget I raised you, Sam! I taught you every trick, every move, every game I know! I sacrificed everything for you! You ate first, you got the bed and I got the floor, and I never complained, because I loved you, and I was happy that you were happy! I was happy that you were turning out good because I had turned into a fucking mother to take care of you, and then you know what you do? You kill my sister. You killed Y/N and then you have the audacity to keep that picture in your bedside stand and say you regret it and say you still love her. You didn’t love her. You didn’t love me. And I shouldn’t have loved you.”

While he had been yelling, Sam had put his head in his knees and started to sob, shoulders shaking, because he knows that this isn’t real but right now he doesn’t have you, and for some reason, for some godawful reason, he’s starting to remember talking with you after your trial and promising to get you out but then his boss had called for a dinner and he had gone to that dinner and you had died. “You don’t mean that, Dean. Y-you can’t.” There’s an awful, hollow feeling in his chest that he should be used to, after years of you being dead, but the thought of being used to it makes him terrified.

There’s memories coming back that Sam knows aren’t real, the memory of the night, that dinner with his boss, and when he got home he was told that there was a scheduling error by his secretary Nancy and that Y/N had been executed already.

And even though it never happened to him, Sam can feel every excruciating detail of that memory, burnt into his memory, and the waves of grief that only Dean could have soothed, and then his brother had called and threatened to kill him.

And now Dean hates him and he loves kale and the only decorations in his room are a picture of you, a CD, and a pretentious quote on his wall.

Dean’s fit of anger fades when he sees his brother’s shuddering shoulders. Goddamnit, but he still does have a soft spot for his brother, no matter what he did, because he is Sam’s mother, after all. Sam’s practically a part of him.

“Dean, I swear to God, I would never do that,” Sam vows, wiping his eyes but keeping his eyes on the floor. His eyes go wide when he realizes what must be going on. “You didn’t happen to piss off an angel recently, did you?”

“What?”

Sam scrambles to his feet. “This has happened before—our memories have been messed with before, remember when I was working IT and you were a health nut? Maybe we pissed off an angel and they decided to pull this trick—”

“Wow, you really are out of it,” Dean says, his eyes half-lidded as he watches Sam. That’s how he is nowadays; wild and extreme mood swings because he’d lost every single person he’d ever loved. “Angels, Sam? Is this some sort of midlife crisis? Has the stress made you lose your mind?”

“Cas,” Sam mutters. “Dean, where’s Cas?”

“Who?”

“Wait, if I didn’t die, then the angels wouldn’t have pulled you from hell, so of course you don’t know Cas,” he continues feverishly. “So no apocalypse because you didn’t go to hell. So you’ve just been a regular hunter all these years?”

“What are you talking about?” Dean frowns. “What else would I have been?”

“Dean, if you ever loved me, just trust me,” Sam says, standing up and brushing by his brother. “I have a story to tell.”

Dean’s face is blank when Sam finishes the story. Finally, he asks, “How many drugs are you on?”

“I’m not out of it,” Sam insists. “Dude, trust me. What we would do would make people think we’re crazy, but we know monsters are real. And if demons are real, why’s it so unbelievable that angels might be too?”

“Fine, angels, maybe,” Dean relents. “But everyone knows you can’t come back from the dead!”

“What about zombies and ghosts?” Sam reminds him.

“But that’s not really coming back.”

“Look, dude, just trust me. I—”

“Y/N trusted you,” Dean mutters.

Sam winces. “You’ve got to believe me, man. That wasn’t me—that must have been, like, a different version of me. Not this version, trust me. I… I haven’t wanted to be a lawyer in a long time. I’ve loved hunting with you and Y/N for years.”

“Y/N never wanted kids and a normal life like you did,” Dean reminisces. “That’s why she was so nervous around you, because she didn’t think you would still like her if she didn’t want what you did.”

“Dean, if you help me, I promise we’ll get Y/N back. Not just back, but this entire existence—me leaving, Y/N dying, all of it—that will get erased and it will never have happened. I promise.”

Dean eyes Sam warily. “Maybe you’re just freaking out, but sure. Worst comes to worst, you wake up and go back to your lawyering and I go back to hunting and we pretend this never happened.”

“Now we just need to figure out what happened,” Sam sighs. “Cas will know.”

“Cas, who saved me from hell?” Dean asks and Sam nods. “Well, how do we get him down here?”

“I know a ritual.”

“This isn’t gonna work,” Dean mutters. “Angels don’t exist, otherwise hunters would have encountered them a while ago—”

“Dude, most of them are dicks,” Sam interrupts. “I’m sure some hunters have encountered them and the angels smited them.”

“Then why are we summoning a dick down here?”

Sam frowns. “Cas was a dick at first, but he got better. Hopefully he won’t kill us immediately. Maybe he even remembers the timeline I came from. Angels are weird,” Sam adds as an afterthought. “I know something that will banish him, anyway.”

Once they’re set up, Dean hovering by the symbol on the wall, ready to press it to banish Cas at a moment’s notice, and Sam ready to talk to the angel, they share a look. It’s a normal look for Sam, the way they both check with each other to make sure they’re ready before hunting, but it hurts Dean’s heart. He’s missed his brother.

“All right, Cas,” Sam says, finishing the ritual. “Get on down here.”

A white light blinds them. Once it fades, Cas wearing Jimmy Novak is squinting at the two hunters. “Who are you and how did you know how to summon me?”

“Cas, it’s me,” Sam pleads. “Don’t you remember?”

“I’ve never seen you before,” the angel replies. His angel blade falls into his hands. “Are you the one that’s been interfering with time?”

“Sort of, I guess?” Sam winces. “I want to set it back, though. I don’t like this timeline very much.”

“The Winchesters,” the angel realizes. “You were special, the both of you.” His eyes linger on Dean’s. Dean gulps. “You wish to fix this mistake?”

“Can’t you?” Sam asks. “I know Gabe and Zachariah have done things like this before.”

Cas frowns and shakes his head. “The fountain’s magic is one I am not allowed to break.”

“The fountain?” Sam frowns. “The fountain? Oh!”

“Sure, I wish to have never gotten back in the life even when you came to pick me up from college.”

“Set things right,” Cas says gravely. “My superiors aren’t very happy with you.”

He disappears.

“That was an angel?” Dean asks. “Wow. He sort of sucked.”

“He’s better in my timeline,” Sam mutters. “All right, we have to find the fountain that granted me this wish.”

Dean barks out a harsh laugh. “What, you wished for Y/N to be dead and to be a lawyer?”

“I was joking around with you,” Sam murmurs. “I said something like ‘I wish I’d never gone with you when you came to pick me up from college’.”

Dean looks at him incredulously. “That’s something you joke about?”

“The you I know is a lot more easygoing,” Sam says under his breath. “So, what? Did I refuse to come with you or what?”

Even as he asks that, he remembers it: Sam telling Dean that he would be able to handle it, Jess dying only a little later, and Sam throwing himself into his work to distract himself. You visited sometimes, which reminded him of his old childhood crush on you, and eventually you two got together.

Then you’d made the FBI’s Most Wanted list.

“Don’t answer that,” Sam says hastily when Dean opens his mouth. “All right, well, that should be pretty easy. Destroying the fountain should work, right?”

“I assume so,” Dean shrugs. “I’m still not convinced you’re not bonkers, but let’s go.”

“Fuck!”

Dean crosses his arms as he watches his little brother pace around, spewing expletives, in front of the ‘Closed’ sign of the little Chinese restaurant. The insides are completely barren; whatever fountain Sam’s looking for is long gone.

Sam’s looking a little spare at the moment, his hair ruffled from running his hands through it so much, eyes twitching from tiredness, cursing like a sailor. Passerby give him a wide berth.

“God damn it,” the younger Winchester mutters, fishing his phone out of his pocket and answers this Nancy that’s been calling him nonstop. “What the hell could be so important?”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Winchester, but you didn’t show up at work today so I thought you might be sick and your house was empty and ransacked when I got to it—” the secretary on the other end babbles.

Sam holds the phone away from his ear and looks to Dean for help, but Dean’s stopped helping him long ago. Eventually he interrupts Nancy by saying, “I’m fine. I’m taking a vacation right now. Don’t call me again.”

“A vacation?” the girl repeats. “Mr. Winchester, are you all right?”

Sam hangs up and rolls his eyes at Dean, who should smirk and make a sexual comment about his secretary going to his house, but this Dean just raises one eyebrow and turns away. Sam blinks and shakes his head.

“So we gotta figure out where the fountain is, right?” Dean asks.

“If it isn’t demolished,” Sam mutters. “If it is, then I don’t know what we’ll do.” Surprising Dean, though he really shouldn’t be surprised at this point, considering the sort of madness his brother is spewing right now, he sits down on the sidewalk and puts his head on his knees.

Maybe when they were kids Dean would know what to do, but his brother’s been spewing anti-family content for years, making it very clear that he’s not welcome and no amends are going to be made anytime soon. Plus, at this point, the only thing Dean knows about Sam is his name. What he likes, if he’s seeing anyone (though that would be like betraying Y/N, Dean feels like), and all that other stuff is a mystery.

It’s the nostalgia that makes Dean sit down next to his brother, not quite able to bring himself to put a hand on his back. Even if his brother has mysteriously lost his memory and thinks they’ve been hunting together for the past few decades, that doesn’t mean he’s just forgotten seeing that face push for Y/N to be killed.

“Hey, you don’t happen to have a headache or anything, do you?” Dean asks. “You haven’t hit your head or anything?”

Sam gives him a scalding look. “I’m not crazy, Dean. Not yet, anyway.”

Dean frowns. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’m starting to remember things that I haven’t done,” Sam whispers. “I remember the trial. I remember pushing to kill Y/N. And I can’t remember some things about my timeline, like where I took Y/N out on our first date.”

“You’re starting to turn into the Sam I know,” Dean realizes.

“I don’t want to be him,” Sam whispers, looking at his brother with teary eyes. “Please, Dee. I don’t want to be him.”

“That’s all right,” Dean says, suddenly reminded of how Sam would cry sometimes when he wanted something from Dean when they were kids. He slings his arm around Sam’s shoulders. “You’re not gonna. I won’t let you.”

Sam sniffs. Despite being over six feet tall, his hunched shoulders and inturned feet make him look small.

“Let’s call it a night and get back to it in the morning,” Dean suggests, standing up and taking Sam with him. “I doubt you’ll forget your entire life in one night.”

The brothers track the fountain to one place, but it turns out they sold it to another place, and then that place had it transferred to another facility, but then the truck that had been carrying it had crashed, and somehow the brothers find themselves picking through a dump. Dean looks up to see his brother’s disgusted face as he wades through the leaking garbage bags, but it’s not a regular disgusted face, it’s a ‘this is all beneath me’ face. For a moment Dean forgets about everything that’s happened, seeing that expression on his brother’s face, and wonders why he’s bothering to help his brother.

Then Sam blinks and shakes his head. He smiles at his brother, a tense one but a real smile nonetheless, and Dean remembers. Sam’s starting to squint a bit now, his eyes going as he turns more into the Sam Dean knows. The physical sign of his change is scaring both of them.

If Dean can have his brother and his sister back, he’d do anything, but watching this new Sam turn into the Sam he’s used to is killing him.

Sam almost starts to cry when he finally sees the fountain. It’s sitting in the middle of a pile of black garbage bags. “Dean! Dean, come look!”

Dean scrambles over and looks to where his brother’s pointing. “That’s it?”

“That’s it,” Sam nods. “I’m sure of it.”

“Then we’ll need to get it to a construction site,” Dean says decisively. “Run it over with a truck, you think?”

“Maybe taking the coin will reverse it,” Sam says. He starts to make his way to the fountain when a shout stops Dean from following him.

Dean turns around with a fake smile. “Yes?”

“This is private property,” an old man with a missing tooth bellows from a few yards away. He must be slightly deaf. “You boys better get off right now!”

“All right!” Dean yells, beckoning Sam over. Sam holds up the penny, glinting in the fading light, and pockets it. “Sorry, sir! We’re leaving now! You think that’ll do the trick?” he adds in an undertone to Sam.

Sam shrugs. “If we wake up and things aren’t changed, we can just destroy it tomorrow.”

“Man, I can’t wait to see Y/N,” Dean says, smiling wistfully.

“Me too,” Sam agrees fervently. “You have no idea.”

Dean thinks he does, but he keeps his mouth shut. One thing about this new Sam becoming more like the old Sam is him thinking less and less about other people. He really hopes this works.

Dean wakes up to a familiar click. When he opens his eyes, his pistol is staring him down. Sam is holding it up, jaw clenched. “Sammy?”

“It’s Sam,” he corrects unconsciously. “What the hell am I doing with you ? Did you kidnap me?”

“Hey, you tracked me down,” Dean says, sitting up fully. His brother won’t kill him, he doesn’t think. “You were having a meltdown. You completely lost it.”

“I’m surprised I’m not dead, then,” Sam sneers. “Considering you’re a professional killer. Maybe I should call the FBI, see what they think about Dean Winchester being here.”

“Well, out of the two of us, I’m not the one that’s killing innocents,” Dean shrugs, his voice light so it doesn’t betray his emotions. That would be embarrassing.

Sam’s hands tremble.

“We both know you aren’t gonna shoot me, Sam,” Dean says, eyeing his brother’s posture. His legs are spread too wide, both hands on the gun. He’s lost his edge, and for the first time Dean’s completely sure that he was telling the truth earlier. No one is good enough of an actor to completely change their posture for a character. This Sam moves and acts, hell, even breathes different from how he’d done it just yesterday. “Put down the gun.”

Dean needs to smash that fountain. This is hell; the way Sam’s looking at him now compared to the way he looked at him yesterday. He wants to cry. He’s lost his brother again, and he might not even get him back. Or you. Somehow knowing that he could have gotten them both back makes it so much worse.

“Don’t fucking contact me again,” his brother spits. He sets the gun down and hightails it out of the room.

“Wouldn’t want to!” Dean yells after him.

When the maid comes in to clean later, she finds the entire room has been wrecked.

Dean runs the bulldozer over that stupid fountain once, then twice, then three times, until the stone is just dust under its wheels, and then he hits the wheel once when nothing happens. Maybe Sam had been faking it after all, a cruel trick he’d devised, or he really was helping the FBI find Dean. At this point, he wouldn’t even care if he was arrested. Knowing his luck, Sam would be the one to prosecute him, too.

Dean revs the engine of the bulldozer and starts to pull it forward, but it jerks to the side so violently he’s thrown out of the car, falling, falling, falling…

Falling right into a bed.

Dean and Sam wake up with identical gasps of air, Dean in the motel room and Sam in the car.

Sam throws himself over the seat, waking you up as he hugs you to his body tight enough to strangle you.

“Uncle!” you joke-wheeze and tap his arm. “Sam, what gives?”

Sam pulls away just enough to let you breathe and buries his face in the crook of your neck, inhaling your scent deeply. He doesn’t think he’ll ever let you go now that you’re in his arms for fear of you disappearing or worse. Being able to smell you and run his hands up and down your arms reassures him that you’re really here and not dead anymore, thank God.

“I just had a really bad dream,” he finally mutters.

You smooth down his bedhead absently. “Clowns or midgets? Did I save you from them?”

Before Sam can answer, the Impala’s door opens and Dean catapults himself into the hugfest wearing only his boxers. The girl he’d brought home stands in the doorway of the room, watching with confusion.

“Let me guess,” you laugh, gladly accepting Dean’s hug as well, “you had a bad dream too?”

“You have no idea,” Dean replies, his eyes meeting Sam’s over your head.

@lemirabitur @annymcervantes

[psychicwonu-blog]

Through It All, Right?

A/N: idk if anyone cares about these, but I think I’m just gonna keep putting out small fics until I decide if I actually wanna keep this blog. Going through a lot mentally rn and writing fanfic is a good way to distract myself, but at the same time I feel really uninspired and exhausted:( I’d still appreciate some feedback if anyone is willing to give me any. Tips, critiques and all that are welcome, too. There will be a possible second part for this story, if anyone likes it.

Group: Twice

Member: Momo(x fem reader)

Genre: Angst. Surprise, surprise.

Warnings: Some cursing, mentioned homophobia, insecurities, sadness:/

“Arguments are dumb. I mean, they’re inevitable when you’re in a relationship, and sometimes good can come out of them, I suppose, but mostly they’re just dumb.” you say to your friend, furiously scrubbing the plate in your hands. Jae looks at you and leans onto the counter, resting her chin on the back of her hands. 

“I think the plate is clean, now.” she says with a laugh. You roll your eyes and continue scrubbing. 

“I clean when I’m stressed, Jae. I’m a stress cleaner, and until I’m not stressed anymore nothing will be clean.” Rinsing the plate and slamming it onto the dish rack beside the sink, you grab the next “dirty” dish. Jae rubs your shoulder and laughs again.

“I should really start paying you for this. You’ve been here almost everyday, cleaning up my messes and rewashing all of my dishes. At this point you’re basically my maid.” She says walking to the fridge. “You want some wine?” You shake your head and hold up the cup in your soapy hand. Jae shrugs and mutters “Suit yourself, but wine helps.” before sitting down. Jae has been your best friend for around three and a half years now. You met her through an ex, which is a story for another time, and just clicked. She lets you rant and clean, you let her cry and drink wine, it just works.

She’s great with advice, too. It’s like she always knows what to say, even if she really doesn’t. But, when you came to her about your girlfriend troubles she was stumped. “I just...I’ve never been in a situation like this. I wish I could tell you what I’d do but I can’t. Because I don’t know.” She’d said sympathetically. But, when there’s no advice, there’s stress. When there’s stress...well.

“Just call her, Y/N, what’s the worst that can happen?”

“Well, she could ignore my call. Or she could pick up and start freaking out on me again.” You reply, in a matter-of-fact tone. “I can’t handle another fight right now.”

“I don’t think my dishes can, either.” Jae says. You glare at her, but the both of you end up laughing after you flick soapy water at her. Truthfully though, you do want to call Momo. You love her, and you do not want your relationship to continue down this path, but after what happened tonight space seems to be what’s best for the both of you.

Jae finishes her wine and comes back over to the sink to pull you away from the dishes. You try to protest, but Jae is stronger than you are. With an annoyed expression, you follow her to her room. When you get inside you see a large pile of clothes laying on her bed. You look up at her and smile. 

“I knew you’d need something to do, and I’m not a big fan of laundry, so...” You sit on her bed and start sorting out the items of clothing by color first. Jae follows, but lays down at the top of the bed, moving the pillows. 

“I love you, y’know? You’re like my sister. I mean, you’re really like a sister to me. You do all these-” you say as Jae cuts you off. “You’re rambling.” she says pulling out her phone. You smile and nod your head. You pick up some jeans and straighten them out to fold. 

“And I know. I love you, too.” You hear her say. You look up and laugh. “Yeah, yeah. Keep folding.” she says, taking a picture just as you turn your attention back onto the clothes.

“I ask you to do one thing. One damn thing, and you can’t even do it!” Momo yells. You scoff and walk up to her. 

“I forgot, okay? And I’m sorry about it, I am, but it’s no reason to get mad.” You say, trying to reason with her. Momo isn’t having it and turns around so she isn’t facing you. You’re growing more annoyed by the second. 

“Are you 5? Look at me!” 

“I’m upset. I wanted to spend this night with you. I wanted to have a nice dinner with my girlfriend and you go and invite other people.” She says raising her voice again. You squeeze your eyes shut and grab your hair at the scalp. 

“If anyone should be mad it’s me! You didn’t even tell any of your friends that we’re together! Momo we’ve been dating for almost two years! That is so goddamn ridiculous!” You scream. Momo turns around and walks toward you. 

“You know why I didn’t fucking tell them. You know why I can’t tell anyone else, why I fucking begged you not to tell Jaein.”

“Because you’re an idol? Do you really think any of your fans would care? And your members-” Momo cuts you off there.

“You don’t fucking get it, Y/N! This could ruin my career. No, I’m not worried about my fans or my members. But what about everyone else? Do you understand how homophobic and conservative Korea is? Do you understand that I could lose everything?” she asks yelling. You’re both crying now. You walk up to her and grab her hands after wiping her cheeks. Taking a deep breath you look into her eyes. 

“I’m sorry. But imagine the weight that would be lifted. We can get through it all. Together. Always.” You say softly. Momo rolls her eyes and jerks her hands away from you. 

“I can’t lose everything I’ve worked so hard for.” she says, just above a whisper, turning around. You walk around the coffee table to face her again and wipe your face. 

“You don’t know that you’ll lose everything. And regardless I will always be here with you. I lov-”

“You?” she says, with a sad, annoyed laugh before yelling again. “You could ruin my fucking career!”

Your heart sank. All of the arguments and fights combined didn’t hurt you as much as that sentence did. Nothing she could say at this point matters. You looked down at your feet nodding with blurred vision and licked your lips. Without another word you walked away and left. Momo called after you but...it didn’t matter. You needed space. You needed your best friend. 

Folding the last item of clothing you begin putting it all away. Jae is still laying on her bed scrolling mindlessly thorough her phone. It takes you a few minutes to get everything put up. After you finish you sit beside Jae and sigh. She looks up at you and gives you an understanding smile. You let your body collapse so that you were laying beside her and let out a shaky breath. You pull your hands up to your forehead and rest them there. Looking over at Jae you shake your head.

“I know you’re not okay, but it’s what I’m supposed to ask.” She says, rubbing your arm. The tears begin to fall onto her bedspread and you break. Jae sits in silence and lets you get it all out. 

“She told me that I’d ruin her career. If we came out. She said that to me.” You say, shutting your eyes. Jae is quiet for a minute. 

“She didn’t mean that, Y/N. She didn’t.” You scoff and look at your friend. She raises her eyebrows at you as if to say “you know I’m right.”

“How could she say that to me if she didn’t mean it?” You ask, looking back up at the ceiling. Jae sighs and rolls onto her back. “Because she was angry. People say mean, and untrue, things when they’re angry.” She says. You turn your head to look at her again. You don’t speak, but she does. 

“You need to call her.” she states. 

“I can’t.”

“You have to.” she says handing you your phone that was laying on the bed between you both. You don’t take it. Instead you look away from her.

“You. Have. To. It’s been hours. One of you have to swallow your pride and take the first step. This was a bad fight, but she called after you. It was bad but it isn’t the end.” When it comes down to it you know she’s right. You do need to call Momo and you still want to, but your feelings are hurt and..well...your pride. You still needed time to think, as well. Jae is right, this isn’t the end. Things have to change though.

“I can’t, Jae.” You say softly. Tears threatening to spill again.

“Why not?” she asks rolling over onto her elbows and propping herself up. You look at her and shrug. 

“Because I wouldn’t say something like that to her.” You say. Jae nods and puts your phone down on the nightstand and sighs. She gets up and pulls you out of the room into the hallway. “Where are we going? We were having a friend moment!” You say turning a corner. Jae laughs and tells you to put on your shoes and coat. 

“We’re walking to the corner store. We’re turning this into a wine moment.” she says handing you a scarf. You roll your eyes and wipe your face,walking out the door. Jae and her wine. 

“Why do you treat yourself to cheap, corner store wine. You could at least get something hard. Strong.” Jae stops in her tracks and looks at you. You widen your eyes and question her. 

“Y/N, expensive wine is for dates and rich people in their important dinner meetings and holiday party things. Cheap wine is for sadness and friend moments. Besides, drink enough and you will forget.” She says like it’s something everyone should know. You laugh as you begin walking again. 

“Yeah and I’d also kill my liver.” You say. Jae laughs too and grabs your arm to put hers around. It takes you around five minutes to reach the store. When you finally get there you notice someone sitting outside on a bench. As you get closer to the store you recognize the face mask. Then you recognize the shoes, the clothes, the eyes. Luckily Momo hasn’t seen the two of you yet and you pull Jae back. 

“Y/N, the wine is back there... what the hell?” She says.

“ Momo is there. I can’t. I won’t. I can’t.” You say becoming short of breath. Jae holds you steady and tells you to breathe. 

“In through your nose, out through your mouth. It’s okay. “ she says. You do as she says and bend, putting your hands on your knees. 

“I’ll get the wine, okay.” You look up and see that she’s already starting to walk away. You say her name and she walks back to you. You tell her not to say anything to Momo and she says she won’t.

“Kim Jaein.” You say and she immediately stops. Jae turns around worried looking. “Okay, full name has been whipped out. I said I wouldn’t say anything!” she says putting her hands up in surrender. You tell her you mean it and she goes off to get the wine. She comes back, bottles in hand, smiling at you. You squint your eyes at her. 

“Two bottles of the corner store’s finest,” She says holding up the bag. “one for me, one for you.” Taking the bottle she held out, you still eye her. 

“What?” she says confused. 

“Why didn’t she follow you? Did you say something?” You pry. Jae doesn’t answer, instead she puts her bottle back into the bag and begins walking. You call out her name and  curse at her under your breath. 

“What did you say?” You ask. She begins to ramble in her own defense and you have to tell her to slow down. 

“She kept asking me about you, I mean did you want her to come!?. She wouldn’t let up and she almost did follow me...but I...” she said trailing off. You raise an eyebrow. “You what?” you asked. 

“I told her I’d fight her if she did.” she says with a small, quiet voice. You shove her shoulder back a bit and start walking. 

“Jae! I can’t with you.” You say, almost laughing. She jogs to catch up with you and laughs herself. “It was either me fighting her or you fighting each other. Or worse you fighting me.” She says. “Let’s go kill this wine.”

“I’ll call her tomorrow if she doesn’t tonight.” You say as you step up to the door to her place. Jae tells you that she’ll definitely call, and as if on cue your phone rings. It’s still going as you take off your shoes and coat. Jae looks at you.”Aren’t you gonna answer?” she says. You shake your head. “Nope. The wine is still alive.” You say. Jae laughs and you guys head to the couch. 

You drink the wine and talk, mostly about everything other than the events previously discussed, but because of the repeated ringing it comes up a few times. Jae tells you to answer the next time she calls. You don’t. 

“Okay, seriously. Answer your damn phone. Because if you don’t I’m gonna throw your phone in the left over dish water you forgot to let drain.” She says, You scoff. 

“First of all, you pulled me away to fold your laundry mountain before I could. Second, go ahead.” You say. Jae rolls her eyes. 

“Y/N! Talk to her. I mean it.”

You nod and pick up your phone. It doesn’t ring for a few minutes so you tell Jae to find a movie on Netflix. Just as it’s about to start a familiar tone comes from the device in your hands. You shut your eyes and squeeze your phone. “Y/N.” Jae says. “I’m answering.”

You swipe the green icon and put the phone up to your ear. “Hello?” you say into the speaker and immediately hear sobbing coming from the other line. Momo doesn’t say anything for a minute due to the crying. It breaks your heart to hear her this way. Things shouldn’t be this way. 

“I’m so sorry. Y/N I am so sorry. Please come home. I don’t want to do this over the phone.” She says. Your heart begins to race. “Are you breaking up with me?” You ask. You’ve never felt so small. Momo reassures you that she’s not leaving you, and you feel like you can breathe again.

“I won’t leave you. Ever. I just need to see you.” She says, still crying. You’re crying now too, but you can’t bring yourself to see her right now. “I can’t do that.” You say. She begs and begs but you refuse to give in. Momo apologizes some more and asks you one more time to come home. You can’t. 

“I’m not coming home tonight, Momo.” You say. It’s hard, but you’re not giving in. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay. I don’t know when. But I’ll see you.” Momo doesn’t say anything other than that she’s sorry and she loves you. “I lo-I’ll see you tomorrow.”  is all you say before hanging up. You sigh and throw your phone onto the rug. Jae hugs you. 

“Tell me you heard all of that so I don’t have to explain it.” You say. Jae nods. “She wasn’t exactly quiet.” she says. You pick up the remote and start the movie. While the opening credits play you look over at Jae. 

“I have to see her tomorrow, don’t I?” You ask rhetorically. Jae rubs your arm and gets up to make popcorn. You lean back and look up at the ceiling. “Yeah.” you say, whispering to yourself. You don’t even know if you’re ready.

[lincolnbrendt]

self para || mad world

Day 1:

“It’s only the first day, Linc, it’s totally normal for her to stay out.” Daisy’s voice was always so well controlled that he didn’t know if she believed the words she was saying. She probably didn’t, he told himself. “You know she’s been through a lot. She just needs a break.”

Lincoln nodded silently as he watched the redheads fingers move nimbly through Mallory’s blonde hair, twirling them into two plaits. He must have zoned out when they’d cleaned the blood out of it. That made it easier for him to breathe every time he looked at her.

Daisy left, not trying to say anything further to Lincoln. A gesture he appreciated because he didn’t know if he remembered how to speak anymore. Lucy came out from behind the curtain as Adam’s mother’s voice was heard in the distance. His sister might have said something to him, but he couldn’t tell. The woman he’d come to know as Nicole held out a black coffee from the machine for Lincoln.

“You seem to need it,” she spoke in a gentle voice, smiling at Lucy who thanked her on Lincoln’s behalf. Lincoln wondered wryly how much the woman would smile if she knew she was in the same room as her future grandchild with absolutely no clue. “And Ms. Brendt, dear, I do hope you and your baby are doing well. I can’t imagine what you went through.”

If he’d had any energy, he would have nearly scoffed.

The woman and her husband disappeared to talk to their son and his jaw tightened as he heard Adam’s voice. It was a selfish thought of him to have, but he thought he might have swapped Mallory’s place with his in a heartbeat. After the idea passed his mind he began tugging at his own hair, hating himself for being so selfish but he couldn’t help it he couldn’t help it he didn’t mean to think that.

“Hey, Lincoln, hey come on stop, hey stop doing that.” It was Lucy’s voice that broke through the waves of guilt he felt, bringing him back to reality.

“No no no no I thought something bad I thought a bad thing.”

“What bad thing Lincoln? Lincoln what bad thing?”

And just like that, he snapped out of it, making himself take a deep breath.

“Never mind. I just… I d-do-d-don’t r-r-rem-member.” A lie, but one that was for the best. The concern on Lucy’s face became more prevalent than before, and Lincoln forced a smile. “I-I’m go-g-gonna go get s-some foo-f-food. I’ll be back soon.”

Day 3:

It had been far too long since Lincoln had shaved or showered or done anything to take care of himself. He couldn’t do anything but sit there, wasting away in the chair as he watched the line on Mallory’s heart monitor go up and down. Empty coffee cups sat on the desk behind him, broken poems scribbled on the side as he’d always done for Mallory before.

It was only day 3.

People were still telling him to hold onto hope. That this was nothing out of the ordinary.

He wondered if they understood that the only reason he survived the weeks without her before was by knowing she was a phone call away and knowing that once he was brave enough to face her and his mistake they would be fine.

He wondered if they understood that the labyrinth his mind had become over the years was unnavigable without the light she provided with her heartbeat.

He wondered if they understood that every day she stayed asleep, his sanity fled deeper and deeper into that labyrinth.

Day 5:

Sleep was no longer a concept Lincoln really remembered. He was downing a large coffee at least four times a day and even if he hadn’t been chugging so much espresso his mind wouldn’t have shut off long enough to allow him a rest more than the occasional hour long naps when he found himself bogged down by a vivid nightmare over and over again. Mallory, bloody and dead in his arms.

His knees were tucked up against his chest as he sat near her bed now. He was trying to read aloud from the book of his poetry he’d roughly constructed but the words and letters were floating around on the page as he tried.

In the distance - or perhaps right next to him he no longer cared enough to tell - he heard a nurse discussing his own health with someone who sounded like Logan. Then again it could have been Lucy or Daisy or anyone who wasn’t Mallory because Mallory couldn’t speak.

“We’re concerned that his lack of sleep combined with his autism and OCD could lead to… some sort of mental episode. What we can do is provide him with some sleeping medicine if you would authorize that, to just get him to rest. If he continues this way I… just don’t know.”

“It’s fine. I’ll sign off on it, but good luck selling him on it.”

Lincoln did not go down without a fight.

“Wake me up if she does,” he said weakly as his eyes fought off the darkness that encompassed him, only having been swayed after being told he could end up hurting himself or someone else if he kept on acting like this.

Day 6:

When he woke up he was in a stranger’s room, it was empty, dark and quiet. Looking down at his arm in the dimly lit room he saw wires and tubes connected to it and couldn’t contain the gag working its way up his throat.

“N-Nu-Nurse! Nurse!” He began yelling and not long after, a short man dressed in scrubs entered the room.

“Mr. Brendt, how are you fee-“

“Unho-Unhook m-me from th-this machi-m-machine,” Lincoln spoke impatiently.

“Oh I’ll have to make sure you’re well enough to-“

“If y-you don’t I w-will,” he threatened, holding his hand over the tubes which caused the nurse to come over quickly and begin unhooking him, bandaging the small patch where his incision was. With shaky legs, he stood up and left the room. He sighed in relief realizing he was just across the hall from Mallory, walking the short distance with legs that seemed to forget how to move.

Regardless, he found his seat left exactly where it had been when he left, and his coffee cups untouched in their stacks of five because five was a good number five made good things happen. Tapping his finger against his knee repeatedly he counted them out.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Day 9:

Lincoln was laying in a bed, prepped for surgery after having kissed all of his sisters on the top of the head and waving a goodbye before he walked into the prep room.

“You’ll have to lay down for at least two days. And then for about four weeks, maybe six, you’ll need to take all physical activity to a minimum, no lifting more than 10 to 15 pounds, we don’t suggest intercourse during the recovery time, all around you’ll have to be careful standing long periods of time and take care of yourself.”

“Okay.”

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Abs-Absolutely.”

“I know there aren’t a lot of other options but I don’t want you to do this and regr-“

“Just take me back.”

“There’s a chance we may still lose h-“

“TAKE ME BACK!” Lincoln shouted. He was uninterested in hearing anyone talk about possibly losing Mallory.

“Okay…” The doctor still sounded hesitant, but the nurse who was pushing his bed had been there when Mallory’s kidneys began to fail. So had Lincoln. Within hours and a few tests that showed he was, remarkably, a match, the boy was in a hospital bed being rolled into surgery.

As he was pushed into the sterile, cold procedure room, he rolled his head to the side to see Mallory’s pretty blonde hair.

“Abou-out t-time I paid you back f-for saving me,” he whispered before they turned his head back upwards and placed a mask over his face.

“Okay dear, just count back from 10,” said a nice woman just behind his head.

He didn’t even make it to 8.

Day 11:

Lincoln could walk again, but instead he sat next to Mallory’s bed right where he always did. He thought he remembered Jean and Eddie thanking him over and over for what he did. He also thought it was silly for anyone to think he wouldn’t have given up both of his lungs and heart and liver and everything he had to give if it meant she would be brought back into the world.

He didn’t remember what being a person felt like anymore. He didn’t remember any sensations other than fear and panic and anger and exhaustion. He didn’t remember having any intentions other than to keep fighting while the love of his life did the same.

His sleep came in waves that day, brought on by the pain meds he still took every few hours. Between the periods of darkness when his mind finally escaped reality, Lincoln wrote poems upon poems upon poems. Desperate for the right words that might bring her back.

“Y-You just keep… k-ke-keep r-resting, L-Lov-Love. B-But pl-please come b-bac-back… I-I-I n-nee-need you…”

Sleep took him away again, unwanted but still appreciated, and in his dreams that night there was nothing. Emptiness, surrounded by nothing but pitch black. It was a welcome escape from the fear and sadness that had wracked his body every waking minute.

Day 12:

A man came in holding a bible.

Lincoln to the side, slightly numb to the whole experience but he was aware of what was happening. They were blessing Mallory, so if she did die, she would go to heaven. It caused his stomach to lurch, the idea that people were making preparations in the case of her death.

Lincoln had arrangements of his own, but he didn’t want to share those plans with anyone else.

“F-Father?” Lincoln has found himself following the man out of the room, limping slightly. “C-Can I as-ask you s-someth-something?”

The man turned around and faced Lincoln with a smile.

“Of course, how can I help you?”

“W-Well I-I um… so-s-so I’m n-not a v-ver-very re-r-relig-ligious p-perso-person, I don’t kn-know how it w-work-works ex-exactly but cou-c-could you t-tell G-Go-G-God s-someth-something for m-me?”

The man’s expression was patient as he nodded.

”What is it, Son?”

”I-I w-wan-wanted… I’ve w-wanted a f-fam-famil-mily my… who-whole l-life… b-but if…if-if Mal-M-Mallory c-c-co-comes-s b-back I will gi-g-give up my dr-drea-dream. He’ll n-nev-never h-hear me wi-w-wish for my own s-son or dau-d-daughter again. C-Coul-d y-you te-t-ell h-him that?”

The man’s face went from patient to devastated as Lincoln finished speaking.

”Oh, Dear boy, you poor thing…”

”I-I don’t want-t-t y-your pit-ty… Pl-Plea-ease j-just tell h-him?”

The man nodded, reaching out his hands to take Lincoln’s. Lincoln barely enjoyed physical contact from a stranger under normal circumstances and these circumstances were far from normal. So he flinched away, curling his hands into his chest. 

“I’ll tell him,” the man said, taking his own hands back. 

With a satisfied nod, Lincoln disappeared to return to Mallory’s bedside.

Day 14: 

Lincoln had to fight for the first time to keep Mallory on for just a couple more days. At that point, the only thing keeping her alive was the machine she was relying on for a heartbeat. 

 “P-Pl-Please-Please I-I’ll p-p-pa-pay f-fo-f-for-r it plea-p-p-p-pl-please ju-j-j-jus-j-just a c-cou-c-c-couple m-mo-m-more d-da-d-days!” 

His frantic voice swayed Mallory’s grandparents, agreeing to just a couple more days. Lincoln knew that in a couple more days if Mallory wasn’t awake he’d fight again and again until he had no fight left in him. Lincoln was stitching together the many loose pages on which he’d written countless poems during his time there. 

He figured that when she woke up she’d want to read them. It was a rare day for Lincoln, meaning it was one in which he was actually aware of the world beyond the four walls that boxed him into that room or beyond the line of vision between he and Mallory. 

Meaning when Mason Safaatauemana walked in with a pitiful look on his face, Lincoln had already lost patience for the boy who had found such disgusting delight in charming Mallory into a date ages ago. 

“Hey, man,” he started as he took a few steps towards Lincoln who, had he had even a drop less of self control in his body, may have growled at him. “I just wanted to swing by and say I was sorry, you know. For everything.” 

“L-Li-L-Like?” 

“Like... I wish I’d been able to do something to save her, or to stop it all, you know? I’m just-“ 

Rage bubbled in Lincoln’s head, boiling so loudly he was deaf to any other words Mason was saying. 

“A-Are you ki-k-Kidd-kidding?!” 

“What-“ 

“Are you KIDDING?!” Lincoln stood up now, putting a hand over his side with a groan. “You’re going to take this moment right here, this moment in which the love of my life is laying in bed because a deranged madman shot her and you’re going to turn it into a situation in which you could have been the hero of the cards had fallen right?!” 

“I’m sorry I-“ 

“You don’t get to be the hero in everyone’s story, Mason!! If anyone could have saved her it would have been ME!! There was nothing YOU of all people could do!” 

The sleepless nights that made days blend together like wet paint left him exhausted and had caught up to him, making this seem catastrophic. 

“I mean you, you just... you just run into people’s life and expect them to bend into whatever they need to be for you to fit with them. You never change to fit anyone! I changed to be your friend, to live with you, to get your stupid approval I change for EVERYONE I didn’t have to change for Mallory and you’re going to come in here saying you wish you’d been able to save her?!?” 

Lincoln shoved Mason’s shoulders, all of the anger he’d ever felt towards the redhead coming out as he continued shouting. 

“I mean seriously?! You ask her on a date just to try to fuck her and then you keep treating her and I like shit like we’re lesser than you because she didn’t want to fuck you and because I stutter and wasn’t one of your original friends!” Lincoln shoved him again and this time Mason held him back, keeping his hand on his shoulders to stop Lincoln from getting any closer. This only made Lincoln feel attacked and he swung, connecting his fist with Mason’s face. 

“Lincoln, Lincoln stop,” Mason pleaded, trying to keep him away while also trying to calm him down. “You don’t want to do this. You don’t want to start this right now.” 

“Stop telling me what I want to do! Nobody but me knows what I want to do!!!” 

By then Mason had gotten them out into the hallway, away from the medical equipment and away from Mallory. 

“I know what I want to do! You don’t and Lucy doesn’t and the nurses don’t! I don’t want to be here without Mallory don’t tell me what I want!” 

Another swing, another fist slamming into Mason’s face. The redhead clenched his jaw, clinging onto reality so he wouldn’t blackout. 

“Lincoln please, please I don’t want to blackout I could hurt you I could kill you!” 

At the thought of Mason killing him, Lincoln punched him again, harder than before and this time in the gut. 

“Then kill me! KILL ME!!!” Lincoln was screaming now, his voice shrill and drawing the attention of the other patients and some of the nurses. “Please, Mason if I’m your friend at all - if I’ve ever been your friend then kill me I don’t want to live without her I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t be me without her I would rather DIE!” 

Another punch, this time in the side and Mason finally shoved him away, backwards and into the arms of Hunter, who sighed and lined a syringe up against Lincoln’s neck. 

“Somebody please just kill me I don’t want to live without her please Mason, please please just do it promise me you’ll do it!” Even as he was stuck in the neck with medicine meant to sedate him, it took a few moments to work its way through his large body. “Mason I thought you were my friend please I just wanted you to kill me!” His words were sobs as his legs grew weak and Hunter enlisted Mason’s help in carrying him back into Mallory’s room. 

Adam was long gone by then, and they lifted him into the bed right next to Mallory. 

“Please,” his voice was a whimper as his eyes fought to remain open. “Someone just kill me...” 

Day 15 - Evening: 

Lincoln’s sanity was slipping again. After the breakdown the night before, it seemed to fall between his fingers like sand in a widespread hand. Slipping quickly, falling back towards the ground with nothing but gravity to stop it. He was sat in his chair when a nurse he didn’t recognize entered the room. She must have been new. That was okay, he told himself, Daisy wouldn’t let anyone but the best near his girl. He knew that much was true. 

Still, as she acknowledged his presence with a nod and wave before going about refilling Mallory’s IV, Lincoln couldn’t do anything but rock back and forth in his still chair. His arms hugging his own chest like that could keep him together as he rocked. 

“C-C-C’m-C’mon M-Ma-M-Mal-Mal... y-y-you don’t ha-h-have m-much time-ti-time l-lef-l-left... You nee-n-need to c-come ba-b-back to me...” He murmured over and over again as he stared at Mallory. The nurse looked at him with sadness in her eyes. 

“You been waiting a while for her?,” she asked kindly. Lincoln didn’t respond. “Well you know, Darling, she can feel your stress. You can’t put too much pressure on her.” 

It was as if someone had pressed the pause button on Lincoln’s life as the nurse spoke. He stopped rocking, stopped muttering things below his breath, stopped existing (at least it felt as if he had). He sat there unmoving as the nurse finished up. She bid him a good night that fell on deaf ears, as he held himself together desperately with his long arms. 

As soon as he heard the door shut with a click, Lincoln began pounding his fist against his head, punching himself in the forehead repeatedly until the pain became a dull reminder of how much he had fucked up. By the time a bruise had started blossoming on Lincoln’s face, he was screaming. No words came out exactly, he was screaming in fury and anger and hatred, angry at himself, furious at himself, hating himself. 

His screams reached frantic levels, the top of his lungs as he now began using both fists against himself. 

“It’s my fault it’s my fault it’s my fault!!!” He screamed, even as he heard the door be thrown open and Harley stood there with sadness in her eyes. “IT’S MY FAULT TOO MUCH PRESSURE TOO MUCH PRESSURE IT’S MY FAULT SHES GOING TO DIE TOO MUCH PRESSURE!” 

Blood began trickling out of his forehead now and Harley frantically begged Declan to come pull him away and make him stop. 

“OH MY GOD I KILLED HER ITS MY FAULT TOO MUCH PRESSURE TOO MUCH PRESSURE ITS MY FAULT!!!!” 

He was screaming so loudly now that his voice cracked and Declan entered the room, wrapping his large arms around Lincoln’s and prying his hands away from his head. 

“IT’S MY FAULT MY FAULT MY FAULT!!!!!!!” He was sobbing through his shouts now as Declan pulled him out of the room and Lincoln spotted the nurse who had said that. “SHE SAID IT WAS MY FAULT SHE SAID THERES TOO MUCH PRESSURE I JUST WANTED HER TO KNOW I BELIEVED IN HER BUT ITS MY FAULT ITS MY FAULT SHE WON’T WAKE UP AND ITS ALL MY FAULT!” 

The nurse looked devastated as blood continued spilling down Lincoln’s face. She couldn’t have known such a reaction would come out of such a mild mannered man. 

“I’m sorry I-“ She started.

“MY FAULT MY FAULT MY FAULT!!!!!” 

Eventually, Declan had wrestled him far enough away and locked him into a position which only exhausted Lincoln’s body if he tried to continue fighting. Instead of thrashing around anymore he became limp in the much bigger man’s arms and sobbed. 

“I just wanted her to know I believed she would come back she’s running out of time it’s all my fault...” 

Harley tried comforting him, using any words she thought may help but nothing changed how hard he cried. Not until he cried himself out in Harley’s arms (who had taken over once he’d stopped throwing his arms around). 

“I-I-I-I c-ca-c-can-can’t b-be ar-a-arou-a-around her anym-m-more.” 

“No Lincoln that’s not-“ 

“It’s m-my-my f-fau-f-fault I have t-to s-sta-s-stay away.” 

Nobody said anything else, letting him sit there and cry himself dry until he eventually decided he’d sleep in the waiting room. “I ha-h-have to stay aw-a-away...” 

Day 19: 

It was the end. No amount of fighting from Lincoln would change her grandparents minds anymore. Something about wanting to end the suffering she was going through and making sure she got into God’s Kingdom. It wasn’t an answer he was willing to accept but nothing was when it came to ending the life of the one person he had no intention on living without. They delivered the news as soon as he’d woken up that morning, wrapped in a bundle of blankets outside of Mallory’s room so his presence hold risk her recovery. 

All he remembered of his reaction was a scream so loud he no longer had a voice, only enough to croak out responses to people who spoke to him. He sat with his knees curled to his chest, tugging on his hair for hours as the world moved around him without him being present in it. People went in and out of Mallory’s room and Lincoln couldn’t do anything but watch their feet move past him.

Lily came up to him and sat beside him on the dirty ground. 

“Big brother, what’s wrong? Why is everyone crying?” 

Lincoln didn’t know if he was crying or not, his mind was desperate to shut down in order to protect itself. 

“Mallory’s going away, Lil,” Lincoln barely got out past the scratches in his throat. 

“Oh... Forever?” 

Lincoln nodded, letting out a sob into his fist as he did. Lily threw her arms around him.

“Hey, Mallory always said that when something sad happened, something good would come right after, right?” 

Another nod and another sob into his fist as he wrapped one arm around Lily. He didn’t want to give her up, he didn’t want to say goodbye to any of his sisters - in fact if anyone in the world would keep him there it would be them, but when he thought of a world without Mallory all he could see was himself wrapped up in a blanket on his mattress until he died of starvation or exposure or whatever it was people died from when they lay there unmoving for an endless amount of time, becoming nothing more than a vegetable, a burden on an already burdened family.

They sat there embracing until Eddie came over.

“Lincoln... If you... wanted to say goodbye.”

Goodbye.

The word washed over him like a tidal wave, pinning his body to the ground with some combination of horror and dread. Still, he stood up.

“H-He-Hey, go s-sit w-wi-with y-your si-s-sisters, L-Li-Lily, I’ll b-be out s-soo-s-soon.”

The young girl nodded, squeezing his waist before running off to sit with the other Brendt siblings. 

“Take as long as you need,” Eddie said, squeezing Lincoln’s hand. Lincoln nodded, going into the room and shutting it behind him. He took his spot in the chair that, at that point, had become molded to his shape. 

“I tried so hard, Baby,” he choked out through stutters and a hoarse voice, holding his hand tightly in his own. “I really tried so so so hard, I fought so hard to keep you here. I’m so sorry.” He was bawling almost immediately, barely able to get the words past his lips. “I just want you to be back here with me. I just want to hold you. I just want to kiss you and tell you how much I love you.”

His hands shook as he took the ring box out once more. “I know it’s probably selfish of me, to ask that you die with this on, but I don’t plan on being apart for long once you do, and I want you to have it in wherever there is after all of this.” 

He slid the ring on her finger and cried as he held it to his lips, pressing kisses against her cold skin, perfect even as she neared death. 

“Mallory I have so many things to thank you for and not enough time to say them all. Thank you for opening the door into my coffee shop that morning so long ago and walking into my life, thank you for changing the person I am, for making me a better - no the best version of myself. Thank you for holding my hand when it shakes and for finishing a game of mini golf with me when no one else ever has before. Thank you for sitting patiently with me as I try to spit out my order and for never being embarrassed by the person I am even though I’m embarrassed by the person I am. Thank you for being the one person in my life who knew how to fix all of the broken pieces of me, and thank you for not just knowing how to do it but for doing it. Thank you for loving a man who didn’t think of himself as worthy to be loved and thank you for kissing me even on the darkest days my mind had. Thank you for always seeing what was best for me and for doing it but mostly thank you for being the other part of me who I’ve been searching for for 22 years. For fitting every crooked edge and every shattered side I had. Thank you for completing me in a way I’ve never known.”

Tears were pouring down his cheeks as he pressed his lips against her forehead.

Once.

Twice.

A third, fourth and finally...

A fifth time.

“Please, Mallory, forgive me for what I am going to do when I leave this room. Find it in that beautiful soul to love me again even in death and to forgive me for being such a coward that I can’t live without you.” He was gripping her hand tightly now, sobbing into her hair. 

“Forgive me for not loving you for every moment I could have, and for taking for granted the love you gave me. I never will again. Forgive me for breaking your heart in a way I’ll never forgive myself for. Please, Mallory, when I see you again open your arms to me so that we can be together again.” 

As he squeezed her hand, he could swear she squeezed back but he knew that wasn’t possible - that such things only happened in dreams or movies or books. 

“This is not my goodbye, it isn’t,” he said adamantly. Tears fell onto Mallory’s porcelain face, dripping off of his cheeks. “I will see you again but in the meantime I love you I love you I love you.” He repeated the words over and over again, sobbing them out as he held her hand to his lips. 

He felt another squeeze, this time a bit more real. Maybe even a real one. 

“I love you I love you I love you,” he continued, his eyes trained on her face now, looking for any signs of movement. Her cheek twitched, as if she wanted to brush away one of the tears there on the skin. “Mallory?!” He reached out, wiping her face clear of his tears. Her lip moved now. He must be dreaming or dead already. There was no way this could be happening. “Mallory, Baby, Baby if you’re there I need you to do something baby, Mallory are you there?!” He watched as her eyelashes fluttered, as if they wanted to open. He let out a desperate sob, punched himself in the leg to see if he was awake. He was. “Mallory, Baby that’s it, that’s it please, Mal, please I just need to see your eyes.” 

He gripped her hand with nearly white knuckles, whispering please over and over to herself. Then, there they were. Her blue eyes blinking against the light of the room. Lincoln fell backwards, tripping over the chair and landing with a THUMP on his butt, he scrambled back up. 

“You did it, oh my god you did it you came back, Baby I knew you’d come back oh my god you’re so strong you’re so strong!” Lincoln was sobbing, kissing Mallory’s hand once more before rushing towards the hallway. Before he ran out, he took one last glance at Mallory. “I’ve missed your eyes,” he whispered before disappearing into the hall.

“Do-D-Doctors-s-s! Nur-N-Nu-Nurses! G-Go-G-God-d-d!!! Whoe-Wh-Whoever will li-l-liste-l-listen!!!” A crowd of people, most of them his friends and a few others were nurses and a doctor who’d run to see the commotion. “Sh-She’s ali-a-alive.” 

With those words, so much relief flooded through his body that he fell limp to the floor as cheers erupted around him and the doctor, along with the nurses, ran past him into Mallory’s room. He slipped into unconsciousness with the first genuine smile he’d had in 19 days.

[irishcoffeeslushie]

Nobuta wo Produce review (excerpts) - II

Disclaimer: I didn’t write this, although I wish I had. Source.

The beauty of Nobuta wo Produce is that it doesn’t purport to be anything other than a high school drama, and that’s precisely what makes it so much more than just a high school drama. (Am I even getting my point across? Lol) What I’m trying to say is that the characters are every inch high school kids — no more, no less, neither dumbed down nor savvied up. But they speak from the heart because the writing keeps it all REAL and just lets the characters be themselves, be the thinking, feeling, self-aware teens that they are.

This drama explores the inner universe of adolescence, governed by its own whimsical vagaries and constant flux of emotions. And I love the judicious use of voice-overs as the main characters ponder such things as the future and the uncertainty of life. The dialogue is intelligent without being pseudo-intellectual, complex without being contrived (uh, Dawson’s Creek, anyone? man, talk about a series that tried too hard to be smart and deep and witty, but always felt like it was written by 40-year-olds *roll eyes*). The writing of NwP doesn’t try to be all these, it just IS. Just because the drama is about a bunch of high school kids doesn’t mean it has to be infantile and shallow, nor does it have to play at being implausibly grown-up.

The high school stereotypes are here in NwP, but with a distinctive Jdorama twist. True, the Class Clowns aka the Destiny Duo may not have the most gut-bustingly funny of spiels, but at least they never annoyed me, and always seemed to be having so much fun in their own little world — making funny puns, and punny fun. Beetlejuice Guy would be the closest thing to the resident Obsessive Basket Case, and adds a dash – just a dash! – of signature J-screwiness to the overall flavor of Class 2-B. Only Bando and the Bandettes are given the extreme treatment of all the 2-B students.

The grown-up characters are shown to NOT know all the answers to life, or possess the key to the Fount of Adult Wisdom. They’re mostly shown to be… big kids, really, just more beat-up around the edges and looking the worse for wear, maybe a little wiser and more jaded, and more accepting of the realities and disappointments of life. Hirayama the Tofu Guy (Takahashi Katsumi) provides a solid, comforting presence as Akira’s ever-obliging guardian — though not without his own share of regrets and hang-ups. Hirayama has an interesting dynamic not just with Akira, but with Akira’s volatile CEO father (Masu Takeshi). Both men take their stake in Akira’s upbringing quite seriously, but share an interesting “good cop, bad cop” approach to this responsibility. (LMAO @ the time both grown men bond while assembling the Nobuta keychains in Tofu Guy’s living room!)

I love how the Kiritani family feels like a real family — well, ¾ of a real family. And Nakajima Yuto as Shuji’s li’l bro Koji is the most perfect little boy you will ever lay eyes on… except that this was five years ago and he’s not so little anymore (heh heh). The scenes where the three Kiritani boys (small, medium and large) are just chillin’ at home — dad cooking dinner, Koji doing his homework, Shuji (with that topknot, lol!) patching up a torn sock — are always enjoyable to watch. Ditto the dynamic between Shuji and Koji — case in point: the moment the brothers share in the haunted house in Episode 3 is heartwarming without being hokey. It helps, of course, that Kame and Yuto (then a Johnny’s Jr. who also performed in the “Seishun Amigo” music video, poor kid, lol) share a wonderful on-screen chemistry.

The realism of Nobuta wo Produce doesn’t quite have the gritty, inner-city feel of, say, Dangerous Minds or Stand and Deliver, because there are offsetting moments of hyperreality (e.g. the horrific bullying, the vandalism/sabotage arc, the zany characters) as well as surrealism (e.g. the living spirits, the dream about Santa Claus, and the dream about Aoi) that all add flavor and character to the drama without overpowering its faithful depiction of Planet High School. This balancing act between hyperreal and surreal is a tricky line to tread: a production that exaggerates plot and characters will always feel facile despite any entertainment value (uh, Hana Kimi anyone?), while a drama that is too dependent on fantasy/dream elements can feel rarefied and thus run the risk of alienating the viewer.

The strength of NwP is that it doesn’t skew towards either extreme, but reaches a comfortable — yet dynamic — equilibrium, which is no small testament to the virtuosity of both writing and direction. The finished product retains its solid core of realistic narrative/character development and naturalistic technique, but is complemented by these pleasantly unexpected but contrasting touches of loopy Jdorama hyperbole and floaty phantasmagoria. This drama, ladies and gents, is pure magic realism at its working best.

… Such is the flipside of magic realism, this nebulous nexus of the strange, the dark, the frightening. The drama gives no explanation for the dream, and very wisely leaves it at that.

So, thanks to Nobuta wo Produce I will always, always, always hold Kame and Pi dear beyond words no matter what mess they’ve made — and continue to make — of their post-NwP career trajectories. Maki I remain fond of despite her lackluster performances in Hana Kimi and Kurosagi; I know I’ve been extra hard on her in my past reviews, but only because I think she’s capable of better things and hope a suitable film or TV project will eventually come her way. But my fondness for Maki is cosmically — cosmically I say!!! — eclipsed by all that I feel for Kamenashi of the pencil-thin brows, and Yamashita of the dead-fish stare. Now wait a minute, some of you might ask: How dare she even make that claim? Isn’t this E.G., who uses her blog to flay those boys alive as if there were no tomorrow? Isn’t she the harpy who likes to chain them to a rock and feast on their livers — again, and again, and again?

Er, yes on both counts. It’s haaard to explaiiiin, but the reason I rip these poor boys apart all the time is because I like to play with my food because they mean THIS MUCH to me. (Readers go, “Eeeehhh? Nandeee” *headscratch*) But see, such is the power of Shuji to Akira, that whatever Kame and Pi do in the years to come — whether as J-pop pinups warbling way off-key, or wannabe actors out to carve their own niche in the Leading Man Canon — I will be there to watch them, and love them in spite of it… maybe even because of it. Even if it makes my ears bleed, my eyeballs implode, and my spleen liquefy and dribble out the nearest body orifice (don’t ask which). I am their F-A-N, and their F-A-N for L-I-F-E — and all because of a pair of seventeen-year-old schoolboys who liked to bond over soy milk and take sunset bicycle rides together.

But I’m also the kind of fan who harbors no illusions about Kame and Pi’s dramatic abilities (for Pi, it’s the lack thereof haha); I’ve seen enough of their collective oeuvre (practically all of it, actually *blushes*) to know that Nobuta wo Produce is the best work they’ve ever done, or will ever get to do. (Like I said, that drama was puuure maaaagic!) Since NwP, each boy has made exactly ONE other drama I believe they can be proud of: Tatta Hitotsu no Koi for Kamenashi, and Proposal Daisakusen for Yamashita. (Never mind the rest; the rest are just the necessary evils you slog through to ultimately earn the title of “Kame/Pi Completist.” The reward? A 10-disc set of KAT-TUN+NEWS’ greatest hits. And a lifetime supply of cheap wine. *Kame fans remember Kami no Shizuku and promptly lapse into a coma* And one year’s subscription to AnAn. *Pi fans go: “YamaPi showah… chunyuu!”* Lulzzz)

Between the two, Kame is by far a more natural and versatile actor than his pink-loving seishun amigo; he does drama and comedy better than YummyPi my little Gummi Bear, who really can’t do much but… be himself. That’s why I’ve always thought that Yamashita Tomohisa’s best dramas — Lunch Queen, Stand UP!, and natch, NwP — worked so well because they just let him be his weird, spacey and endearing self — unlike the more recent ones which sucked the sweet, the warmth, the life out of the boy and left this… sleepwalking six-pack with deep-fried hair in his place.

And so, such has been my own “self-revelatory odyssey” that went from knowing nothing about these two boys a little over a year ago, to recoiling from the first photo of theirs (see above) that I came across (and it also made me go, “Egads, these kids look weeeiiirrrrd!” — sounds familiar? well hello-oo E.G.’s KimuTaku Space Odyssey, lol), to acquiring Nobuta wo Produce (I’d heard good things about this netizen hit, but left it on the back burner because of… said photo), to finally giving in and watching the damn drama. And just like my experience with Pride, the rest is history, my embarrassing (and at times, downright incomprehensible) Kame/Pi fangirly devotion lovingly smeared all over this blog. It’s too late to take it back, to act more dignified and unsullied by this dark, guilty pleasure of mine. But, hey — if Nobuta and Akira could live with their weird little selves, I suppose so can I.

And to end this review with the wise words of a Green Day song:

“Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right. I hope you had the time of your life…”

To Shuji, Akira and Nobuta, I hope you had, and continue to have, the time of your life… because you sure as heck gave me mine.

[such-a-common-girl]

“Secrets, Mistakes, and Sex” Sam Winchester x Reader

Word Count: 2,182

Sam x Reader, mentions of Dean x Reader

Summary: You are friends with benefits with Dean, but what happens when Sam confesses his feelings for you?

Warnings: Swearing, smut, unprotected sex (once again pls wrap it before you tap it, people)

“You coming over?” The text from Dean read. It was sent over an hour ago, and you read it almost immediately, but hadn’t responded. It’s not that you don’t want to go over- you love spending time with the boys, they were your best friends. You just don’t know if you want to go over and spend time with Dean.

Dean and you were complicated. The two had always been really close, more so then you and Sam. You had liked Sam since the moment you met him, which made it hard for you to get as close as you and Dean were. Sure, the two of you were friends, but it was different. You refused to let Sam know your feelings, but you also didn’t want to get close to him because you didn’t want him to think of you as a sister.

One night after a particularly hard hunt, you were sad and venting your feelings to Dean over the phone. He came over and was being his typical charming self, bringing you your favorite food and a milkshake. The comfort he was giving you turned into something entirely different, and you ended up sleeping with him that night. He was definitely a good fuck, but the both of you both felt very guilty the next day. You both agreed that it would never happen again.

It did happen again, over and over. On hunts, in his car, in the kitchen of the bunker (Sam wasn’t too happy to walk into that one.) But the two of you had no real feelings for each other, and that was acknowledged. You still had feelings for Sam, despite having sex with his brother on multiple occasions.

“I don’t want you to get the wrong idea of this, Dean. We’re still friends.” You had told him after the first few times of sleeping together.  

“Thank god you feel the same way.” He looked like a weight was lifted off of his chest.

So, the two of you agreed to remain best friends who just happened to have sex if they were in the mood. It was a pretty good agreement, but lately Dean had been wanting you to come over more and more, only wanting to have sex and not still having that ‘friendship’ side of you two.

You sigh, debating whether or not you want to respond to his text. You wanted more than ever to go over there and hang out like you used to, the three of you having movie and beer nights. The sex was good, but sometimes you just wish you had your old Dean back.

“I’ll be there in a little while.” You finally text back a few minutes later. You slide on your shoes and grab your car keys, heading to the bunker.

You arrive within half an hour. It usually takes you less than fifteen minutes but the stormy weather outside made the drive seem like an antagonizingly long time, and to make it better the window was stuck and wouldn’t roll up the whole way, so by the time you actually got to the bunker you were soaking wet.

“What happened to you?” Sam raised his eyebrows when he opened the door.

“My window wouldn’t roll up.” You roll your eyes.  

“Jeez, Y/N, come inside.” He laughs, moving out of the doorway to let you through. “Dean’s out getting food, he didn’t think you’d be here yet.” Sam explains. “But obviously you’re free to hang out with me. You can borrow one of my hoodies if you don’t want to stay in your wet shirt.”

“Thanks, man.” You smile. He smiles back at you and leads you to his room.

“The only clean one is my Stanford one, that’s fine right?” He lifts up his giant sized sweatshirt.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” You laugh, and he tosses it over to you. You face the opposite direction as you peel off your shirt and replace it with the shirt he gave you. Sam coughed a little bit, and although you couldn’t see, he blushed when he saw you standing there in just your bra.

“I feel like I’m wearing a dress.” You laugh, noticing that it looks like you have no pants on.

“Not my fault you’re short.” He followed you out of his room. You take a seat on the couch while Sam sits next to you and grabs the remote.

“Anything you want to watch?” He asks, flipping through the channels.

“I don’t really care.” You shrug. Sam looks over at you and smiles before shaking his head and returning his eyes to the tv.

“What’s funny?” You frown.

“You look good in my sweatshirt, that’s all.”

“Oh,” you blush. “Thanks.” This is the first time you think that Sam’s ever complimented you.

He switches the channel to some movie you’ve never heard of, so you just scroll through your phone looking at social media. You’re about to set your phone down when it vibrates and you receive a text from Dean.

“Hope you haven’t left yet- change of plans, not going to be at the bunker tonight.”

You roll your eyes and don’t even bother replying, knowing that this means he probably picked up a girl at the place he was grabbing food from. You know him all too well. You sigh and set the phone down on the table.

“Well, guess it’s just me and you tonight.” You tell Sam, and without thinking you lean onto his side. He tenses up, but after a few seconds he eases and puts his arm around you.

“Let me guess, he’s going home with the waitress?”

“I didn’t even ask.” You laugh.

“Why do you let him treat you like this? I mean, honestly, Y/N. You’re such a great girl, you could do so much better.” Sam frowns. His thumb starts rubbing circles on your arm, making you get the chills.

“It’s kind of a mutual thing. I don’t have feelings for him, just as he doesn’t for me. It’s just physical, I guess you could say.” You explain, realizing that you had never told Sam this.

“Wait, so you’re not with him?” Sam looks shocked.

“No?” You say slowly. “Why would I let my boyfriend go cheat on me and be completely okay with it?”

“I, uh, I don’t know to be honest.” He scratches his head. “I’ve been pretty confused over the whole situation.”

“Well, we’re not together. Just friends. I have feelings for someone else.” You say without realizing it. You mentally curse yourself, knowing that Sam will probably push the subject now.

“Oh, who?” He teases you.

“You don’t know them.” You lie, hoping he will drop the subject. Thankfully he does. You two continue to sit there in silence before you realize that his other hand was now resting on your inner thigh. Your heart starts racing, although you know that he probably didn’t mean to do that.

“Want a beer?” Sam breaks the silence.

“Duh.”

Sam gets up off the couch and grabs the six pack from the fridge. You grab one of the bottles and start chugging down it hopes of relieving the tension in the room.

“Eager?” Sam laughs, but does the same.

“Shut up, Sam.”  You playfully hit him in the chest.

The two of you keep cracking dumb jokes and drinking the beer until it’s all gone. You aren’t drunk (it takes you a lot more than three beers to get you there- your liver hates you), but you definitely don’t feel as stressed and the tension is completely gone.

Sam suddenly pauses the movie and shuffles his body so he’s facing towards you.

“Y/N, I don’t understand you.”

“What?”

“I just, I thought you liked me. Before all of this. I thought you liked me and I started to have feelings back. You’re beautiful, who couldn’t get feelings back? But then you started fucking my brother, which hurt a lot, and then you just basically stopped talking to me all together. I didn’t ever say anything because I didn’t feel like it was my right to.” He rants, taking you by surprise. “And now you’re sitting here, cuddled up to me, but you tell me you like some stranger. I just don’t get you, Y/N.”

“Okay.” Is all you could manage to get out.

“Okay?” He repeats you. “Is that really all you’re going to say to me?”

“I didn’t know you liked me.” You admit.

“Like.”

“What?” You were confused.

“Like you. Present tense.” He says quietly. “Love might also be a word I would use.” He says even more quietly and awkward.

“You love me?” You couldn’t believe what you were hearing.

“Yeah, but now I kind of feel like an idiot for telling you. I’m sorry-“

You cut him off by kissing him. You’ve been wanting to hear those words for a long time, but never thought you actually would. He kisses you back roughly, pulling you onto his lap and holding on to your hips.

“You were right. I did like you, and I still do. I just didn’t want to tell you and risk our friendship.” You whisper as you pull away from the kiss, foreheads still touching.

“It would have saved us a whole lot of trouble if you had just told me.”

You kissed you again, even more urgent than the last. He brought his hand down to your shorts and started rubbing you through your clothing, making you moan. This provided him with the perfect opportunity to slide his tongue into your mouth with more passion than you had ever felt with a kiss in your life.

Your breasts pushed up against his chest as you started to grind against his hardness. Sam moaned, and lifted his shirt off, yours following shortly after. He didn’t break the kiss as he fumbled to unhook your bra, sliding it off with ease.

“You’re so beautiful,” He moaned against your skin, moving his lips down to your collarbone as he sucked, most likely going to leave you hickies.

“Oh, Sam,” You breathed out as he pushed his fingers into your panties, finally making contact with your clit. You quickly got off of him as you slid down your shorts and underwear at once, and climbing back on top of him. He entered two fingers with ease as he started to pump them in and out, making you moan with pleasure.

“Baby girl, you’re so wet for me already.” He mumbled into your ear. “What else do you want from me?”

“Your cock.” You moaned out, enjoying his fingers inside of you.

You got off of him and unbuckled his pants, sliding them down his legs as he lied there in just his boxers. He had a very prominent bulge, and you almost gasped when he took himself out of his boxers. You have no idea how you’re going to fit that inside of you.

You grasp him in your hand, pumping him a few times before using your tongue to lick from the base to the tip. You swirl your tongue around the tip and then start lightly sucking, making his head fall back in pleasure. You do this for a few seconds before taking him all the way onto your mouth, bobbing your head up and down.

“Fuuuck, Y/N.” He groans, pulling your hair as you worked on him. “I’m going to cum if you don’t stop.”

You got off of your knees and Sam picked you up and lied you back down on the couch. He positioned himself with your entrance before sliding himself in, making the both of you moan in pleasure.

He starts off slow, trying to control himself, but he lets go and starts pounding into furiously.

“Does Dean ever make you feel this good?” He grunts as he brings himself almost completely out before slamming into you again.

“Oh!” You yell in pleasure. “No, only you do.”

You dig your nails into his back as you feel your orgasm nearing, the familiar heat building up in your lower area.

“Sam, I’m gonna cum.” You breathe out.

“I’m right behind you.”

You feel him cum shooting inside of you, making your orgasm even more intense.

“Sam, oh, yes” You come off of your high. Sam rolls off of you and brings the two of you into a spooning position.

“I’ve been waiting for that for a long time.” Sam admits.

“Me, too.”

The two of you lay like that for a while before it starts to get too messy. He grabs your underwear and cleans the two of you off, sliding his boxers back on and handing you his hoodie back.

“I’m sure my shirt is done drying by now, I can just put that back on.”

“Nah, keep it. It looks better on you anyways.”

[fortheloveofpearlet]

Visions of Summer - Manila x Jinkx [Part Four - Final]

A/N - The final part of my first Manila x Jinkx fic. Based on the song ‘In This Diary’ by the Ataris (lyrics can be found throughout fic) also influenced by New Found Glory’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Know’ and Ed Sheeran’s ‘Castle on the Hill’. Thanks to those who have been reading this! 

T/W - angst, minor character death

Part Four - Adulthood

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up,

These are the best days of our lives. 

The only thing that matters 

Is just following your heart

And eventually you'll finally get it right.

 The first summer after everyone left for college Karl only visited for a few weeks because his parents wanted him to spend time in the Philippines with them. We hadn't spoken that much in the year he'd been gone, not nearly as much as I thought we would anyway. And all though it was nice to have him back for those few weeks, things were different. We had sex, we made out a lot, but there was a different air to Karl. He didn't seem the same. Matt, Jason and Ben spent the summer in Seattle but again, it wasn't the same. All they talked about was all their new friends and these new experiences they were all having. I felt left out. I didn't feel like I fit in their world anymore. But at least Jason and Matt had seen sense and were now back together. It still wasn't the same.

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The second summer after they left Karl only came back for a week before going to the Philippines and then going to meet his college friends in Europe. We made out less. We had sex once. Things weren't the same. My friends didn't come home at all. 

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The third summer, when I'd thought Karl would be moving back to Seattle after he graduated, he didn't come back at all. He'd found a job in New York and he was staying there permanently. I didn't dare ask what that meant for us because I wasn't even sure there was an us. I went to Matt because I didn't know what to do and he told me to go to New York. He told me to go and surprise Karl. So I did. I would live to regret that.

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Karl's aunt gave me a spare key for his apartment in case he was at work when I showed up and then before I knew it I was on a plane. I took a cab to his apartment downtown and I was filled with excitement and anticipation. I couldn't wait to see the look on his face.

 I let myself into his apartment. He wasn't at work. He also wasn't alone. He was on his back on the couch with a slim caramel skinned man on top of him. I dropped the keys to the floor without meaning to. They both looked towards the door. Karl's face paled.

'Jinkx? What are you doing here?' He pushed the naked man off of him and they both tried to conceal their hard dicks. I felt momentarily like all the air had been sucked from my lungs. I didn't speak. I couldn't think of anything to say. So I turned and I ran. 

 I ran until I was out of breath, which wasn't very far as I smoke a lot. I fell to a bench in a small park not far from Karl's apartment and I lit a blunt. I thought I should probably be crying. But once again, I felt completely and utterly numb. 

 I was about half way through the blunt when he sat down next to me. I didn't look at him. I could see him looking at me, waiting for me to say something. 

'Who is he?' I croaked. 

'His names Sutan.' 

'How long has it been going on?'

'A few months.'

'And you didn't think to tell me?' I finally turned to him, no longer smoking the blunt, I just let it dangle limply from my fingers. 

'I didn't think I needed to.' Karl shrugged. 

'Really?'

'We aren't together Jinkx.'

'Aren't we?'

'We never said we were.' He looked guilty, I knew he was trying to justify this to himself just as much as me.

'We never said we weren't either.' I turned away from him again. 'He wasn't the first was he?' 

'No.' 

'You should have told me.' I brought the blunt back up to my lips and re-lit it. 

'I'm sorry. But in my defence, you could have called first.' 

'Then I never would have known.' I shook my head and stood up from the bench, grabbing my bag.

'Where are you going?' Karl stood too. 

'Where do you think I'm going? I'm going home Karl.' 

'I didn't want things to turn out this way, you have to know that.' He bit his lip. 

'Doesn't matter.' I dragged on the blunt. 'Maybe if I'd come to New York with you things would have been different.' 

'Maybe.' 

'I've got to go.' 

'I really am sorry.' Karl reached for me and grasped my shoulders. 

'Please let go of me.' I sighed tossing the blunt on the floor. Karl did as I asked and let go of my shoulders. 'Goodbye Karl.'

Karl sniffed and ran his fingers through his hair. 

'Goodbye Jinkx.' 

I turned my back on him and walked away. I'd love to say I felt something. But as usual, I felt nothing.

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The following summer no one came home. All my friends had made lives in their college towns, they didn't need Seattle anymore. I hadn't spoken to Karl again and calls with my friends were becoming few and far between. I still felt nothing.

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The summer after that Jason, Matt and Ben returned to Seattle briefly. For my father’s funeral. After a long battle with alcohol addiction his liver had finally given up. My friends had never even met my dad and we hadn't spoken in ages but they still insisted on being there for me. I guess I should be thankful for that. I gave the eulogy to the very thin group of people who'd shown up but I don't remember what I said. I still felt numb, pretty much like I had done every day since Karl got on that bus. I stood at the graveside as they lowered in my dad's coffin. Matt was at my side and he put his hand on my shoulder.

'How you doing Jinkx?' He whispered. I didn't look at him. I kept my eyes focused on the slowly lowering casket and pulled a blunt from my suit pocket. I lit it and exhaled the smoke. 

'I'm just fine.' My voice didn't sound like my voice, I guess Matt noticed that too because he gave my shoulder a squeeze.

'We're all here for you.' He told me softly. They might have been there for me in that moment, but no sooner than the funeral was over, they were all gone. And once again, I was alone. Only now my dad was gone, I really was alone. 

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One day I woke up and it had suddenly been ten years since all my friends left this town for college and I was still here. I'd lost track of the last time I'd seen my friends. Matt and Jason were married now, I think their wedding almost two years ago was the last time I'd seen everyone. Summer had rolled around once more but summers were different now. When you had a full time job and worked all summer it lost its excitement. I remember being younger and barely being able to wait for summer to come so I could spend those few months doing not a lot of anything. When I look back on those days now I feel as though I took them for granted. If I could go back and do it all again, I'd do it all completely differently. Maybe when Jason offered to take me shopping I wouldn't take it as an insult to my fashion sense and just see it as the friendly gesture it was probably meant as. I would take that drink, I would smile more, and I would allow myself to have fun. Maybe I'd even make more of an effort with Robbie, because now I even found myself missing him. On that first night Karl and I properly met, when we were in Matt's basement I would kiss him because I'd so wanted to, I wouldn't wait like I had done. I would have told him I loved when I first realised it rather than trying to run from it. I would take out a loan or something and put dad into rehab and maybe he'd still be alive. I'd laugh more, I'd enjoy myself more; I'd let myself just be a kid because I'm not sure I ever really was. That's the funny thing about hindsight. Looking back on those summers now, when I'd wished more than anything in the world to be a grown up, I wish I could tell my younger self there was no hurry. Because being grown up wasn't half as fun as growing up. I was only realising now that those were the best days of my life and I'd let them just pass me by. Matt still liked to keep me up to date on all the gossip, mostly through emails now. Apparently Katya was pregnant for a third time, she and Brian already had two boys and this time they were having a girl. She was going to be named after Brian's sister who had overdosed a year and a half ago. Ben and Robbie were engaged and had just moved to the West Coast. They're looking into adopting their first child. Danny was already on his second husband. Things had surprisingly not worked out between him and Mr Haylock. According to Matt, Danny's first husband had been some guy he'd only been dating a few months and they'd thought it would be 'funny' to get married. That worked out as well as you would expect. Apparently Matt had high hopes for his second husband. The rest of the Triple A's were now all settled down as far as Matt knew, the only one he didn't know about was Naomi as Jason had put a ban on him having anything more to do with her when they got back together. Everyone was moving on with their lives. Everyone was following their dreams and living their lives. That just left me. Jinkx the useless fuck up who everyone probably predicted would amount to nothing. Looks like they were right. 

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That summer I decided to take a few weeks off work in an attempt to relive my youth I suppose. For the first week and a half I didn't do anything though. I spent my time hauled up in my house wondering where the fuck everything had gone so disastrously wrong. I tried to pin point the exact moment in my life when things had fallen apart but I couldn't. Once a fuck up, always a fuck up I suppose. 

 One day when it was particularly sunny I decided to go down to Colman pool. I set myself up on a sun lounger listening to my 80's music on an iPod these days, I still missed my disc man. I still didn't get undressed, I still harboured my insecurities but for different reasons these days. I'd put on weight over the last few years, not loads but enough. It had happened so gradually that I hadn't even really noticed. I never thought I'd find myself longing for the days I was so painfully skinny. I lit a cigarette, people didn't turn a blind eye to people smoking blunts out in the open like they used to. I sighed a little to myself. If I concentrated hard enough I could pretend I was still sixteen. If I really focused I could imagine Ben sat on the lounger on one side of me flicking through his phone to find his next booty call. I could picture Jason and Matt on my other side fondling each other and I could hear the sound of them messily making out. I could even smell the weed if I really concentrated. I looked across the pool. If I really squinted I could imagine him sitting there. I could see the sunglasses pulled over his gorgeous eyes, his lip turned up at the corner as he looked at me and the sweat sheen on his bare chest. If I really, really focused I could imagine Karl was still here and we were just sixteen and we had the whole world at our feet. If I could go back, I'd do it all differently. I would tell him every single day how much I loved him. I would have gone to New York with him. We would have lasted and we would have been so happy. I continued squinting my eyes. It was as though he was there. His lip that was turned up at the corner grew into a real smile and he raised his sunglasses onto the top of his head. Only the hair was free from the blonde streak he'd sported back then. I frowned a little, why would that slip my imagination? I'd never seen him without the streak in his hair before, how could I just make that up? But as he sat up on the sun lounger and waved a little shyly at me at across the pool, I realised I wasn't making it up. I blinked a few times, this could not be happening, there was no fucking way. He stood up and bit his lip and before I knew it, he was heading my way. I exhaled a shaky breath and stubbed my cigarette out on the floor. I stood up and smoothed out my t-shirt. I don't think I've ever felt so insecure and vulnerable in my entire life. How was this fair? How had he gotten even more attractive and I'd gotten even more unattractive? He seemed to be moving in slow motion. It seemed to take an actual lifetime for him to walk around the pool but then he was in front of me. The one person I never thought I'd see again. He put his hands in the pockets of his shorts and bit his lip. I'd never seen him so nervous before.

'Hey.' He smiled a little at me. 

'Hey.' I replied, what the hell was I supposed to say? 

'You look good Jinkx.' He told me and I couldn't help but laugh a little.

'Jinkx, that's a name I haven't heard in a while.' I scratched the back of my head. 'And you don't need to lie, I know I look terrible.'

'You haven't changed a bit.' Karl chuckled. 

'What are you doing here?' I wasn't in the mood for small talk. I couldn't just stand here and pretend nothing had happened. 

'Vacation?' He shrugged.

'In Seattle? Try again.' I rolled my eyes. Karl sighed and took his hands out of his pockets. They looked like they were shaking.

'Things have been weird recently.' He began. 'I don't know what it is but it started off with me walking into a glass door because it was so clean I thought it was open. Then I fell down the stairs running for the subway. The next day I threw scalding coffee over some guy. Weird things kept happening. One day I was leaving work and my boss said, 'make sure you're on time tomorrow, we have that big presentation' and I told him, 'of course I will be, I'm never late.' But somehow, for the first time in years I was late. My shower broke and then my suit had a hole in it and the subway was cancelled. None of those things on their own would have meant anything but all together, I don't know it was like someone was trying to tell me something.' 

I had an idea of what he was getting at. He'd become the jinx. 

'So you came back to Seattle because...'

'Because it felt like a sign, as corny as that sounds.'

'So because you suddenly start being clumsy and a bit of a jinx, you thought of me?' I frowned. Yes I was offended. Of course I was.

'It's not like that. It's not as though a single fucking day has gone passed since I left that I don't think about you. It just felt like this was finally the time to do something about it. I don't know, it sounds dumb now I'm saying it out loud.' He sighed. 'I've spent every day for the last two weeks at this pool hoping to see you. I go back to New York tomorrow, this was my last chance.' 

'I don't even know why I came here today.' I confessed. Maybe Karl had been sent a sign; maybe I had too? 

'I've missed you.' Karl blurted out. I sighed and shook my head.

'Don't do that.' 

'Ok sorry.' Karl bit his lip again. 'So uhm...what are you up to these days?' It felt like such a stagnant question. After everything that had happened between us, after all these years did it even matter? I decided to try though, bitter didn't suit me.

'Not much to be honest. I have started laying down some ideas to maybe, potentially start writing a book.' I hadn't told anyone that, not that I had anyone to tell. Karl smiled brightly at me, a smile that went all the way to his eyes.

'Yeah? What's it about?' 

'Uhm...summer I guess.' I shrugged. 'I guess it's about being young and wanting nothing more than to be grown up and then when you grow up you realise it's not all you thought it would be. It's about friendships, adventures and being young.' 

'Am I in it?' His eyes sparkled a little and I laughed.

'No, why would you be in it?' I scoffed but Karl's face fell and it made me feel bad. 'You might be in it.' 

His face broke out into the smile again.

'If I'm not described as the 'dashing Asian' I'm not reading it.' He told me and it made me laugh again. He was always so good at getting me to laugh. 

'We'll see.' I rolled my eyes. Silence descended around us after that. It wasn't the comfortable silence we used to have. It was full of that air of anticipation, the wondering what happened next. Karl bit his lip and sighed simultaneously.

'So uhm...this book...do you have to be in Seattle to write it?' He looked a picture of nerves. I felt my heart begin to race. Weak at the knees. Sweaty palms. Racing pulse. I hadn't felt any of those things in a long time.

'Uhm no I guess not. Why?' 

Karl stepped a little closer to me, but only a little. 

'Come to New York with me.' He cut right to the chase. I felt like I'd just had all the air sucked from my lungs. Was this really happening? Was the love of my life really stood in front of me right now after all these years, asking me to move to New York with him?

'What?' I frowned. 'Karl we haven't spoken in years. And now you show up here out of the blue and want me to give up my home, my job and move across the country with you?' He had to be joking right? Even for Karl this idea was crazy.

'Yeah that's pretty much the size of it.' He stepped a little closer and took hold of my hands. If he could tell they were shaking and sweaty he didn't say anything. 'I know this is fucking crazy Jinkx and a part of me can't believe I'm saying it myself. But seeing you again, all those feelings I had for you have come flooding back and I don't think I can just walk away from you again. I never got to tell you this but I was so, so in love with you Jinkx, and I'm realising now that I still I am. Come with me. Give us one more chance. I swear you won't regret it.' He squeezed my hands and stared intently into my eyes. My head was spinning. Karl was standing here telling me he still loved me and he wanted me to run away with him. A part of me wanted to jump at the opportunity. A part of me was screaming, why the hell do you even need to think this through? But it was a big risk. I could go with him and sure we could be really happy. But it could also end in disaster. It would probably end in disaster. I'm not that spontaneous guy. I'm not the kind of person that can make such a big decision on a whim. And Karl was a whim. 'When you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.' Karl gave me a small shrug. I rolled my eyes.

'No way did you just quote When Harry met Sally at me.' I folded my arms. He half smiled at me.

'I thought it would be worth a shot.' He shrugged again. 'You always were a sucker for my movie quotes.' 

'It's such a big ask.' I whispered, unfolding my arms. 

'I know.' Karl squeezed my hands again. 'Do you not think it would be worth it though?' 

'I don't know.' I had never been so confused in my entire life. I was completely torn. 'I don't think I'm strong enough to say no to you.' I confessed and Karl smiled. 'But, I also don't think I'm strong enough to risk having my heart broken by you again.' 

His smile faded and he let go of my hands. He hung his head a little. 

'Yeah, that makes sense.' He sniffed a little and when he looked back up at me he had tears behind his eyes. 

'No it doesn't.' I laughed a little. 'Nothing about this makes sense. Fuck Karl, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do here.' I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. I had two paths staring me in the face, both equally as frightening as the other. What will happen next? I don't wanna know.

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The summer of my thirtieth year was probably the best of my entire life. Just shy of two years after I'd started putting together ideas for my book I had not only written it but it had been published. And tonight was my book launch. The kid that was never going to amount to anything had done the impossible. 

 The bookstore was full of people waiting for my reading of the first chapter of my book. I'd never been so nervous and so excited in my entire life. I took a few deep breaths and stepped up to the podium that had been set up for me. I tripped over my foot as I did so and grabbed the podium to steady myself. I don’t think anyone noticed but I’m sure I was blushing. Always such a clumsy jinx, somethings never change. My hands were shaking a little as I looked out at the crowd.

'Hi everyone, I'm Jinkx Hoffer and I'm here to read you an excerpt from my first book, "Visions of Summer".' I never did like my real name and my publisher told me Jinkx was more interesting. And it had a lot to do with the story so I've gone back to my childhood nickname. People clapped and I ran my finger over the spine of the book. 'This is a story about a confused and messed up kid just trying to navigate himself through his teenage years the best he could. It's about friendships, about growing apart and growing up. It's about finding and losing love with a dashing Asian.' I paused and people laughed. I opened the book to the first page. The book that was always supposed to have a sad ending. The account of how a confused and messed up kid met and fell in love with a dashing Asian and had his heart broken. I looked out across the crowds. My big moment. I wanted to take everything in, I wanted to remember exactly how this all felt in years to come. Our eyes met and as his lip turned up at the corner in that signature way and I felt my nerves start to melt away. I smiled back at him and took a deep breath.

'This book is dedicated to the man who played a big part in the making of it. The man I found and lost love with only to find it once more. This book is dedicated to my much better half, Karl Westerberg.' I motioned towards where he was stood at the back of the room and all eyes turned to look at him. He smiled and gave a little wave. Who would have thought that the confused, messed up kid I wrote about in my book would be here? I never would have dreamed that I would be living in a beautiful New York apartment with a ginger tabby cat called Molly and my future husband. Of course I didn't know as I stood up there that day that my book would be a huge success. I also had no idea that later that night when all of this was over Karl would take me for dinner and propose. I would say yes of course. I could never have predicted then that in less than a year’s time we would be getting married with all our old friends by our sides. I couldn't have imagined that in the summer of our thirty sixth year we would adopt twins, Lacy and Teddy. I had no idea of what was to come. And for the first time in my life, that excited me. I took one last look at Karl and he blew me a kiss before I turned my attention back to the book. 

'Visions of Summer, chapter one.' I began. 'Here in this diary, I write you visions of my summer. It was the best I ever had.'