#n going thru the stages of grief and teetering between rage and depression

[handweavers]

so i was told last spring that in order to qualify for admission to all the universities i wanted to apply to i would only have to complete 2 semesters of post secondary schooling and i'd be fine. i already had completed 1 semester of post secondary, and had dropped out of my second due to a health crisis which pushed back my uni entrance to the next year. unfortunate but couldnt be helped, and i just needed one more semester. my ultimate goal, the thing i was trying to reach, was a bachelor's degree in textile art and design. just a basic fucking bachelor's degree. i went to a different school to try something else but had a mental breakdown and dropped out (story of my life) and went back to my old program and now I'm almost done my second semester! that should qualify me for university!

so i applied to several programs, some textiles bFA/bDes programs and an art history bA in case the other two fell through, and i'd still be happy doing art history. the textiles programs said that i needed a high school English credit that I don't have, but otherwise said my admission academically looks fine, so i signed up for a gr 12 English online class.

then i inquired with the admissions offices of the art history program and they said that actually, because i take reduced course loads due to being disabled, when I finish my second semester this spring I'll Actually Have Only Finished One Whole Semester as laid out by my school and would need to complete another whole semester (which takes me 2 semesters, or a year) to do, and this is likely how the other universities will respond as well once they look at my transcript properly. so I inquired with the other universities about this and they agreed that my transcripts aren't good enough (even though I have a 4.0 gpa LOL!!!) and I need another 6 courses before I can be considered academically PLUS the gr 12 Brain rot English course, because my 99% GED score and certificate isn't good enough for them either. they'll look at my portfolio and they won't contact me again until april/may about admissions and have since stopped responding to my emails.

so my killing myself over my portfolios for months and having panic attacks obsessing over what i would hand in and all that effort and hundreds of dollars was wasted because they moved the goal posts and none of them are going to let me in. and i have to do a whole entire year more of college to qualify for university. which I have been trying desperately to get into since I was 18. and i will be 23 this year. starting my bachelor's at 23 is upsetting enough as someone who has been desperately fighting to start one since high school, but now the earliest i'll be starting will be the year i turn 24.

if my brain wasn't completely fucking broken and my body constantly in pain and falling apart and my life wasn't a whole mess from start to finish i would literally be finishing my master's degree right now. but instead i can't even get into a bachelors program, not because my grades aren't good enough but because my whole schooling record is so unconventional and marred by my decades of fucking suffering and breakdowns none of it is good enough for these institutions and they told me it was and lied to my fucking face and changed their minds and said No Actually Fuck You. and it keeps happening to me over and over and over again my entire life. And I am so unbelievably tired. I thought this would finally be over and I'd be in university finally and this drudgery trying to qualify for SOMETHING ANYTHING PLEASE would be over but this bullshit is neverending. A whole more year of this garbage. And then what? They'll change the goal posts on me all over again. I can't even talk or think about it without crying i feel like Sisyphus rolling a rock up a hill nearly killing himself every time just trying to get it up there and at the top somebody kicks it back down and I just do it over and over and over and every time it gets kicked back down and every time a part of me dies