#myrfic

[detective-rysposito-blog]

tough little boys

5 times Kevin Ryan never cried and 1 time he did. (ao3)

1.

Kevin knew it was stupid. He knew it was stupid before he was in danger. He knew it was stupid the second that Aiden suggested the idea.

But he was just a kid. Kids were allowed to do stupid things so they could laugh about it years later and say, "What did I know? I was a dumb kid!"

In his apartment, playing on the fire escape was forbidden. His Ma always told him that a fall from 8 stories high would kill him. Or leave him wishing it did. So he never stepped foot on their fire escape at home.

But Aiden's was only a story high. And the railings made the perfect track for their racecars. It should have been perfectly safe for him and Aiden to race their cars for a few minutes, comes inside eat dinner and then he would head back home. His ma would never even know.

So they played around for a few minutes and nothing went wrong. Kevin took this as a sign that if nothing bad had happened yet, nothing would ever happen.

Again, he was a pretty dumb kid.

"Aiden," he said to his friend. "You wanna race our cars down the steps? Winner gets the bigger piece of cake."

Aiden grinned right back and nodded his head. Both little boys grabbed their cars and started to climb up the stairs that would eventually lead to the upstairs neighbor's escape. They stopped halfway and placed their cars on opposite railings.

"Ready," Kevin started.

"Set," Aiden said next.

"Go!" Both boys exclaimed at once. And they let go of their cars.

Unfortunately, the cars didn't want to stay on the track. After a second, Kevin noticed his car was bound to fall off and would crash to the ground below. So he ran down the stairs to catch it before it fell.

His car fell before Kevin was even close to reaching it but Kevin wasn't worried about that. He was more worried about himself after his foot tripped on one of the stairs and went flying over the side of the fire escape.

He tried to grab at the railing but his arms were too short. He screamed out for Aiden to help but his friend's arms were just as little and no matter how far he stretched, he couldn't reach. "Kevin!" He screeched loudly.

A second later, Kevin smacked hard into the metal top of a dumpster. The first thing he noticed was a roar of pain from the arm he landed on. It hurt more than anything Kevin had ever felt before. Even more than the time Kevin needed stitches after jumping on his bed and falling into the corner of his dresser.

All the screaming caught the attention of Aiden's mother and she rushed out the window yelling her son's name. She grabbed him by the shoulders when he was practically leaning over the edge. She pushed him back and then looked down at Kevin.

"Kevin!" She sounded frantic. "It's okay, baby, I'm coming!" She was immediately climbing down the steep stairs and rushing to his aid. She jumped onto the dumpster and pulled him into her arms.

She was cradling him and whispering softly that it was going to be okay.

But he wasn't crying. It was only a little bit of pain that he could handle. If his dad had been here, he'd say, "You're still breathing, boy. Stand up and walk it off!"

Crying wouldn't take away any of the pain.

So he held his arm close to his chest, trying not to look at how it was bent at a weird angle. Aiden's mom never let go of him, crying steadily, until they reached the hospital.

His dad was there by the time the doctor had fit him for a cast. It was a dark blue and looked pretty cool. When he went back to school, he could show all of his friends and show them how he'd fallen off the fire escape and lived to tell the tale.

"I heard you were playing on the escape," his father said, looking his son up and down.

Kevin frowned and shrunk his shoulders. "Sorry, Da."

His father sat down on the hospital bed and said, "Maybe next time you'll listen to your mother, huh?"

Kevin nodded his head quietly, knowing he had disappointed his dad. He looked back up at him and whispered, "I won't do it again."

His father pulled him into a one-armed hug and rubbed his good arm. "We all gotta learn our lessons somehow, son." He pulled away and looked down at him. "Besides, I heard you didn't even shed one tear."

Kevin shook his head and watched his father smile.

"That's my boy." He ruffled his hair. "I didn't raise a little baby. My son is a man, as tough as they come."

Kevin found himself smiling, not sure why his dad was proud that he hadn't cried. He didn't want to point out that he technically wasn't a man. He was only 8 years old.

"Are you proud of me, Da?" Kevin asked in a small voice.

"'Course I am, Kev. I don't know many boys that could take a fall like that without crying even a bit."

"But I didn't," Kevin insisted proudly. If only he'd always known how easy it was to please his father.

"No, you didn't. Men don't cry."

2.

"Hey, fag, I'm talking to you!"

Kevin paid no attention to Jason as he continued down the hall. There were enough kids walking to their classes that he could hopefully get lost in the crowd.

But before he could make it, there was a hand grabbing his shoulder roughly. He was spun around to face his brute of a bully. Jason had chosen to pick on Kevin exclusively after he stopped him from shoving a tiny freshman into a garbage can last month.

"When I'm talkin' to you, don't fucking walk away from me," Jason snarled, grabbing the collar of Kevin's sweater and pulling him close.

Kevin rolled his eyes. Typical bully. Using his bigger body and foul language to try and seem tough.

"You think you're such a tough guy, huh?" Jason shook him slightly. "Maybe we need to take another visit to the dumpster again."

"There's a clogged toilet up on the second floor with his name on it," Daniel, one of Jason's little friends, piped in.

Jason smirked and said, "I think that's exactly what he needs."

Then Jason was gripping one arm tightly and Daniel had the other. Kevin struggled to get out of their grip, hoping someone would notice and help him. But either they didn't see or they learned from Kevin's mistake and knew not to get between Jason and one of beatings.

As they ascended the stairs, Kevin tried to make himself a dead weight between the two. But they were both on the Varsity Wrestling team. They easily lifted him so his feet dragged on the floor.

When they were in the dirty restroom, Kevin planted his feet on the tiled floor, trying to stop them from shoving him close to the stall. "Jason, c'mon," he said between gasps of breath as he struggled. "You don't have to do this. Please."

Jason laughed above him as he shoved him to his knees in front of the toilet. He winced at the pain but continued to give Jason and Daniel a hard time. When his head got close to the bowl, he shot his hands out to grab the seat to push back.

Jason was behind him, his knees around Kevin's back to keep him from moving anymore. He paused his shoving and said, "I think I like hearing you beg. Do it again and maybe I'll stop."

Kevin took a deep breath but didn't say a word. He pushed back on Jason's grip.

Jason moved a hand into his hair and growled into his ear. "Beg or else when you go under, you won't come back up."

Kevin gritted his teeth but said, "Please let me go, Jason."

Jason paused and for a moment, Kevin thought he was going to listen. But he was just as stupid as he was as a kid and Jason only laughed louder. "Nah."

And as the rough hand in his hair went back to shoving his face dangerously close to the dirty water, Kevin realized something. No matter what Jason was doing to him, he always reacted the same way: with a laugh. He'd stare down at Kevin, laugh and then walk away.

All Jason ever really wanted was for Kevin to be humiliated and get a good laugh from it. And if Kevin continued to let Jason push him around and shove his head in pissy toilets, he'd never get rid of him.

He needed to be the one to end it.

"Fuck you, you fucking coward," he grunted with an inch left before his head was submerged underwater.

The pushing stopped immediately. "What'd you just say?"

Kevin smirked. "You heard me."

Jason whirled him around and lifted them up to their feet. Kevin didn't like being shoved against the stall wall, his feet a few inches off the ground, but it was better than swimming in pee.

"You think you're funny?" Jason slammed him against the wall.

Kevin just smiled at him, loving the way it angered Jason.

"You little pussy, I'm gonna kill you." He threw Kevin out of the stall and he crashed into the bathroom wall. Jason stalked over to him and leaned over him. "Daniel, shut the fucking door."

As scared as Kevin was, he just kept grinning right back. He wouldn't let Jason see how he got to him. "What's wrong, Jason? You look a little upset. Did you fail another math test? I heard if you fail too many of those, you're off the wrestling--."

That's when the beating started. It started with just a few punches but the more sarcastic comments Kevin gave him, the more punches he received. He stopped after a dozen more to catch his breath.

Kevin's head fell into a suspicious looking puddle as Jason let go of his collar. Kevin felt one eye already swelling up and he spit out a wad of blood. "Is this how you get your rocks off?" Kevin asked, his voice weak. "By picking on the little guys? Hey, at least you know you can win these fights unlike when you're in the ring. So you win, is that what you want? You want to at least beat up someone without getting your ass handed right back to you?"

Jason glared down at him. "You don't know shit."

"I like to think I do know a little more than shit," Kevin replied, pushing himself up to his elbows. "Now, if you're done with your tantrum, I have a class to get to." Kevin shoved the stunned teen off him.

"Wait, you can't just walk away from me, you fucking piece of shit!" Jason yelled but he didn't make a move to get up.

"But it looks like I am." Kevin winked at him and then when Daniel went to jump him, he shoved him against the door. "Touch me and you'll be the one in the toilet."

Kevin knew he had to have looked half insane as growled at him. His face all bloody and swollen. Daniel backed away from him without a word. He grinned smugly and walked out of the bathroom, ignoring the threats from Jason about how he was really going to get it later.

The minute he was out in the hall and the door was shut behind him, he let his shoulders sag. He face was just a mess of pain. From his split lip to his swollen eye. He was going to look like Hulk Hogan's personal punching bag for the next few weeks.

But no matter how much it hurt to even blink or move his lips, he didn't let a tear fall.

And he told his dad as much when he got home. His mother didn't like to see her son beaten up so badly but his father was proud to know he didn't let the bully knock him around and make him cry.

"He's our boy, Clara. Our boy is one tough man. He can take a few punches, ain't that right, Kev?"

Kevin smiled proudly at him, his white teeth stained with his blood. "Right, Da."

As the next few years of high school passed, Kevin found himself on the wrong end of a bully's fist a plenty of times. But no matter how much it ever hurt, he took it and only gave them a grin back.

Bullies didn't have the strength to make him cry, no matter how strong they liked to show Kevin they were.

3.

Kevin heard the knock at his door but he chose to ignore it. He wasn't in the mood to speak to anyone for the rest of his stupid life.

"Kevin," his father called in after he opened the door anyway.

Kevin didn't move from his spot on his bed. He continued to stare at the wall and hope his dad left him alone. But of course, he didn't.

"What happened?" He asked, his voice low but strong.

"I broke up with Marissa," he mumbled, not turning to face his father.

"I thought you were going to ask her to prom?" His father asked, a frown evident in his voice.

"Yeah, I was. Until I found out she was seeing someone on the side." Kevin felt ashamed to even admit it to his father

"Hey, now, come on." He put a hand on his shoulder. "Girl like that ain't nothing to get upset over."

"Da, you don't understand. We were together for seven months...I thought maybe we had something special." Kevin rolled over to meet his father's eyes, hoping he wouldn't be disappointed in him. He could expect him to be upset that his son had let his girlfriend cheat on him.

"You're gonna have to suffer through a few heartbreaks before you find your one great love, kid."

"I know, but I didn't think it would hurt like this…" He trailed off, staring up at his father.

"She ain't worth crying over. None of them are, Kevin."

Kevin let his eyes fall shut.

"Don't ever cry over a girl. No matter how much you think you love her or how blue her eyes or how blonde her curls are."

"I'm not crying," Kevin sighed, knowing his father meant well but didn't really want to deal with it right now.

"I know. I'm just saying so," he said. "Sit up and call one of your friends. Go see a movie, get your mind off her."

"I just want to be left alone. Can you please go?"

"You're not going to get over her by laying on your bed, moping like a baby." He gave Kevin's arm a firm pat.

"Da," Kevin said, his voice held warning to drop it.

"Fine, I understand." His father sighed and stood up. He walked back towards the door and said hesitantly, "Kevin."

Kevin turned his head until his cheek was pressed against the pillow. "Yeah?"

"Feel better, will ya', kid," he said in a voice softer than he'd heard his dad use a while.

Kevin smiled at him. "Of course, Da, I'm as tough as they come."

4.

So apparently, Kevin wasn't only stupid as a kid but he was stupid as an adult too.

He and Esposito were only supposed to be looking into a lead and Castle thought it would be fun to tag along because this case was interesting to him.

It was only interesting because of the way the victims were killed. They were tortured in a way that usually meant a crime of passion but there was a string of random people.

Of course, Castle got himself excited over the serial killers.

The excitement died away when they came face to face with their serial killer. And they found out there was no rhyme or reason to his victims. He was just a good old fashioned case of insane.

And he'd chosen his next victim to be the youngest member of their team.

They'd been tied up for at least two hours. Castle and Esposito were well past yelling, now pleading and begging.

Kevin was taking it all. He wouldn't give this man any satisfaction.

He was dangling from the ceiling with only the chains around his wrists keeping him up. There was blood covering him from head to toe with a lot of bruises to match.

The scary part was that this man didn't want anything from them. He wouldn't stop after they told him information he needed to know or after they promised to give something he wanted.

No, he was going to town on Kevin just because he liked to inflict pain.

"Isn't this so much fun?" He cackled, dragging his bloody knuckles across Castle's cheek.

"You're stupid. You must be," Castle said, pulling away from his touch. "There's no other good explanation for hurting him like this in front of his partner. I mean, maybe if you kept yourself masked or something so he wouldn't be able to find you as easily. But you're actually showing your face and I can promise when we get out, this guy over here, the one growling, is going to kill you. He'd wrestle blindfolded with a tiger for his partner. And you're just a weak little man. No chance."

The man laughed hysterically. "Me, weak?" He shook his head. "No, no, no. Irish is the weak one. I'm doing you both a favor. Now you won't have him holding you back all the time! De nada!"

"Have you ever wondered what your insides look like because soon I'm going to be ripping them out," Esposito jerked on the chains tying him to the chair.

The man turned away from them like he hadn't even heard him. He picked up things from his pile of torture instruments and said, "Bat or torch?"

Kevin was happy he threw the torch down and stepped forward with the bat. He'd take broken bones over fire to his skin any day.

"You think he's like a piñata? Wonder if he's full of candy." He pulled the bat back and swung forward with a whoosh. It was hardly a second before the bat connected to his stomach with a sickening crunch.

Ryan gasped in pain. He probably would have yelled if the wind wasn't knocked out of him.

"Stop it, you sick fuck!" Esposito screamed, his eyes wild as they looked at him.

The only time Kevin had seen him like this was with Lockwood. While Kevin was being tortured and Esposito forced to watch.

Except for this time, at least to Kevin, was more painful.

Castle was screaming as well, his voice pained Kevin to hear since the writer was usually so strong. Esposito had trusted Kevin enough to break down a few times in front of him. But not Castle.

"S'okay, Castle," Kevin mumbled. "I'm-." He was cut off when the bat smashed his ribs once, twice, three times.

The force of the bat had him spinning in small circles and he felt close to throwing up. Maybe the next time that creep came close to him.

"You have to want something," Castle yelled. "Everyone wants something. Just tell us. I have money," he said frantically, "Lots of money. And it's all yours if you just stop hurting him."

He lowered the bat and pouted. "Aw, but where's the fun in that? Maybe if you give me enough, I'll let you pick which finger he can keep."

Esposito screamed out a few words in Spanish that he always refused to translate for Kevin.

"You're so adorable," was all he said back. Then he turned and picked up the torch he dropped minutes earlier. Kevin silently begged him to pick the bat back up.

"An' I thought I was the dumb one," Kevin mumbled, his speech slightly slurred from a probable concussion. "My par'ner is gonna kill you. Cas'le pretty scary too. I'm his shadow. Cas'le Jr." Kevin wasn't sure why he was sharing this with the crazed man but it felt like the right thing to say.

"I think your little friends just wanna see you dance." He kneeled down and started to untie his shoes. He threw them to the wall and pulled off his socks as well. Kevin kicked him in the face the moment he could.

The man fell over but came right back up looking angry. He was mumbling under his breath as he flicked on the torch, a blue flame now coming out.

"Dance, baby, dance," he sang bringing the fire closer to his foot.

There was a searing hot pain immediately but Kevin didn't move. He wouldn't give this guy want he wanted. He'd held out the entire night, he wouldn't start giving up now.

"Move your damn feet!" Esposito yelled at him in a pleading voice.

Kevin shook his head.

The pain moved from one foot to the next as the torch was moved around. The smell of burning flesh had him gagging.

"Kevin!" Now Castle was begging him to do something.

Kevin shook his head again.

"I'll get you to dance for us one way or another," he said below him. He kept the torch still, so the pain stayed in one spot and offered him no relief.

Kevin stayed still as long as possible but before long, he was jerking his foot away from the flame. And once he started, he couldn't stop.

The insane man had put the torch away and Kevin was still bending his feet against his bottom. He laughed at him again.

"Alright, alright, no more." He searched around his pocket. "Let's see what fun can come next." He pulled out a pair of pliers and grinned. Like he was playing some sort of carnival game.

He twirled them in his bloody fingers and said, "Ooh, this will be fun." He straightened up again and roughly grabbed Kevin's cheeks.

Kevin struggled but his face was already hurt enough that he couldn't fight as hard as he'd like to. The man pried open his jaw and wedged the the pliers in his mouth.

Kevin grunted and kicked his feet, desperately trying to get him away. But he was already close to unconsciousness.

"Shh, shh, it's okay, boy. It won't take long. Maybe I'll even let you keep a few." He cooed as he grabbed onto one of his teeth with the pliers.

Castle and Esposito were both screaming wildly and even Kevin was yelling at him, not caring about 'giving in' when he was seconds from getting his teeth ripped from his gum.

"1, 2, 3…" Kevin flinched, ready for even more pain but a round of bullets in the air saved him. The man crumpled to his knees in front of Kevin, holding a hand to his stomach. "Wha-?"

"NYPD!" A familiar voice screamed, sounding like an angel walking on earth. Behind Beckett, a few SWAT members came rushing in. They ran to the crumpled form of their perp.

Two men untied the knots on Castle and Esposito's wrists so they could jump to their feet and rush to Kevin. Beckett was already there, asking to see if he was okay.

Esposito grabbed his gun that had landed on the floor in their earlier scuffle and shot up at the chain attached to the ceiling. It fell down and Castle was quick to catch Ryan before he did too.

"Ow," Kevin moaned as Castle grabbed him.

"I'm sorry," Castle apologized.

Esposito turned to the man that had been torturing his partner for hours and grinned down at him. "Told you we'd win. We always do."

Before the SWAT members hauled him to his feet, Esposito pressed his feet boot to his gunshot wound, enjoying the cry of pain it elicited from the from the man.

Esposito then turned back to Ryan just as Castle was settling him on his feet. "Ow, ow, ow," he said the moment his feet touched the floor.

"Shit," Castle cursed, remembering the burns on the bottoms of Ryan's feet. He pulled Ryan up and supported most his weight.

Esposito hurried over and grabbed the other side of Ryan. Ryan breathed a little easier was they kept him suspended between them.

"Let's get you outta here, partner."

Kevin nodded his head immediately. As they were walking towards the door, Kevin spoke before he was afraid of passing out, "He was wrong."

"Hmm?" Esposito grunted as he continued to half carry Kevin.

"He was wrong 'bout me," Kevin clarified. "I'm not weak. Didn't cry once. I'm pre'y damn tough."

Esposito laughed in surprise. "Yeah, partner, you're pretty damn tough."

5.

It all started the night when Kevin got the phone call. It was past the end of their shift but the particular case they were working on needed extra hours to get finished. So the team was packed around a table sharing two pizzas.

Kevin's phone rang when he was in the middle of laughing at something Castle was saying. He pulled out his phone, saying maybe it had something to do with the case and answered it.

Javier watched as his partner listened to the voice on the other end say something that wiped the smile right off Kevin's face.

"Um, yeah, sure," Kevin said, a few long seconds later. "Can you give me the date and time?"

Esposito shoved over a paper and pen for his partner. He picked up the pen and started to scribble down words.

"And it's being held at Redden's, correct?" His pen paused briefly over the paper. He nodded and then wrote that down.

Javier frowned. The only Redden's he knew about was Redden's Funeral Home.

Kevin hung up his phone and dropped his phone on the table. He ran a tired hand through his hair and went quiet.

Javier reached out to rub his back softly. "It's, uh, my Da… he passed away this afternoon."

Javier kept an eye on him the next few days. He stayed in closer touch with Jenny than usual to see how he was doing.

He hadn't seen Kevin break down at the news yet but he could imagine it had to be coming soon.

Two days after he got the call, they had the service early in the morning. Esposito, Castle, and Beckett walked in looking for Kevin. He was sitting up front with Jenny but wasn't near the casket.

They approached him and offered him big hugs that, just like they knew he would, he held onto tightly. "Thanks for coming," he mumbled after he had gotten his three hugs.

"Of course, Kevin," Beckett said softly, rubbing his arm.

"Is your Ma around?" Castle asked.

Kevin nodded, pointing towards the collage of pictures in the front of the room. Castle and Beckett gave Kevin one more hug before they left to see his mother.

Esposito knew his partner well enough to know he didn't want to talk. So he took a seat on the other side of him and waited until Kevin needed him.

Ryan hardly moved unless family came over to offer their condolences. Some Esposito knew and others he had never seen. But they acted like they were best buds with Ryan and his family.

Esposito saw Kevin's sisters and gave them big hugs. Colleen held onto him tightly and whispered in his ear before letting go, "Please keep an eye on him, Javi."

Esposito nodded and would keep that promise. He sat by Kevin's side all night long as he remained uncharacteristically silent.

Finally, when just about everyone except for Kevin's immediate families (by blood and from the 12th) had gone, Esposito asked him quietly, "You wanna go say something before we have to leave."

Ryan hesitated but nodded his head. Esposito looked over at Jenny and she gave a short nod. He turned back to Ryan and kept a hand on his elbow as he led him to the casket.

Esposito kept an eye on Kevin's face as they got closer. His blue eyes were wide and once they saw his father, he let out a shaky breath.

Esposito squeezed his arm to show he was here and then turned to look at the elder Ryan himself. He had met the man plenty of times before. He wasn't cruel but if it weren't for the blue eyes and the same facial features, Esposito would have never guessed he was his partner's dad.

Kevin was a big ball of sunshine. He was hugs and laughs and smiles and dorky jokes and nerdy trivia and ugly ties.

Kevin's father was cold and closed off.

Esposito always knew Kevin had a mixed relationship with his father. From the stories Kevin had told him for his childhood, Esposito would have guessed that over time he would have grown to hate the man. But the hatred never came. Kevin always spoke proudly of his father.

"He looks so different," Kevin spoke for the first time that night.

Esposito wasn't sure what to say but he knew his partner appreciated physical contact as a way of comfort more than words so he kept himself pressed against his shoulder.

Kevin shut his eyes a few seconds later and started to whisper words under his breath. After a few seconds, Esposito realized he was praying.

Esposito let his partner speak softly to God and then his father before saying his own goodbyes. "We didn't talk a lot but I never got the chance to thank you for raising such an incredible man."

Kevin smiled up at him and by now, Esposito expected a few tears to fall but his eyes were dry. In a small whisper, Esposito said, "It's okay to cry, you know. He's your dad."

Kevin's smile faltered slightly and he looked down at his father. He shook his head. "Men don't cry. It's okay, it's what he would have wanted."

Esposito frowned at his partner. Kevin always went on about being "tough" in front of his dad and somehow Kevin thought the logic of that was to simply not cry.

Usually, Esposito humored him but now he couldn't let it go. If Kevin wanted to cry at his father's funeral, then he should be allowed to.

"Kev, no one's going to shun you if a few tears fall. Hell, if this were anyone else in your family, I'd be balling like a baby. No offense," he added quickly, looking down at Ryan's father.

"I just don't need to cry," Kevin said. "Not because I can't but because I just don't feel it." Placing a hand on his dad's arm, he said, "He knows I love him."

Esposito didn't say anything and Kevin patted his hand. "I'm okay, Javi. Really."

Of course, his partner was okay. No matter how much honey-milk he drank snuggling with his wife, Kevin was one tough cookie.

+1

The moment Kevin saw their red Charger pull up, he jumped into the car. "Hurry, go down this block and take a left."

Esposito, being the great partner he was, didn't ask any questions before he sped down the street. But that didn't mean he stayed silent the entire time. "Bro, what's wrong? Who are we chasing?"

Kevin was staring out the window, keeping his eyes peeled in front of him. He didn't say anything.

"Kev, seriously, is everything okay?" He stole a quick glance at him as he turned the car. "Should I be looking for something?"

"Yeah, a big yellow bus."

Esposito sputtered as he slowed down back under the speed limit. "Dude, we better not be chasing your daughter's school bus."

"Javi," Kevin said.

Esposito pulled over and turned to face him. "Don't 'Javi' me with those puppy dog eyes. You and Jenny agreed to let Sarah take the bus so something like this didn't happen."

"Please, Jen won't know. I just need to see her one last time. She's my baby girl."

Esposito rolled his eyes. "C'mon, stop being so dramatic. She's going to kindergarten, not hell."

"It'll only take a few minutes, Javi, and then we can head to work."

Esposito sighed and started the car back up. "Fine. But if your wife finds out, I'm telling her you held me hostage."

"That's fair. Now hurry up before we lose her."

Esposito drove towards the school and when they couldn't find the bus, Kevin thought they'd lost it along its route. But then, they saw a bus pulling out from a side street in front of them.

"Bus 611, that's her!" Kevin said, leaning forward.

Esposito nodded and pressed a little harder on the accelerator. They followed the bus all the way to the front of her school. It pulled up in front and Esposito pulled up just behind it, hoping no other buses would be pulling in soon.

"You have 5 minutes, Daddy," Esposito said.

Kevin nodded and jumped out the car. He watched as the toddlers all hesitantly stepped out off of the bus. He didn't run forward until he saw a familiar blonde head of hair.

A bus monitor grabbed his arm but he quickly explained himself, "My daughter. She's my daughter."

Sarah Grace heard her father's voice and her head whipped to face him. "Daddy!" She called, running out of line.

Kevin caught her in his arms and pulled her in for a hug. "Hey, SG."

"What are you doing here? Are you coming to school with me?" She asked softly.

He cupped her cheeks in his hands and said, "No, baby, I just had to say goodbye again and get another kiss."

She smiled and pecked his lips. "I'll miss you, too, Daddy."

Kevin smiled at her, feeling his eyes burn slightly. "I'm going to see you soon. Before you know it, you'll be back on the bus coming home to Mommy and Daddy."

Sarah smiled with a nod. "I know, Daddy." She paused to use her little thumbs to wipe under his eyes. "You're the one crying."

Kevin used his own hand to feel his wet cheeks. He hadn't even realized the tears had started to fall. He could practically hear his father's voice in his head. "Don't ever cry over a girl. No matter how much you think you love her or how blue her eyes or how blonde her curls are."

Kevin smiled. Oh, Da, if you ever had the chance to meet my little girl, you'd be crying over her too.

Sarah looked over his shoulder and asked, "Is that Uncle Javi?"

Kevin nodded, sniffling softly. "Yeah, we're heading to work now."

"He's gonna see you crying," she said, seriously.

Kevin gave her one more hug and said, "It's okay. Sometimes Daddy just needs to cry. I think Uncle Javi will understand."

She was happy with that answer and gave him another kiss before saying goodbye. "I have to catch up with the line. I'll see you after school. Bye, Daddy."

"See you soon, baby girl." Kevin stood up and watched her run off. She turned back before disappearing through the gates to blow him a kiss. He caught it with one hand and brought it close to his heart.

When Kevin sat back in the car, Esposito looked at him with a smirk. "Are you crying?"

He wiped at his eyes with the back of his hands. "Don't start anything, you'd be crying too if you were out there."

"Which is why I'm in here," Esposito said with a soft smile. "Now, c'mon, we'll take the long way to the precinct so Castle won't know you cried in your Cheerios this morning."

"Shut up," Kevin said, although he was smiling.

"Dude, by the way, next time, I don't suggest running into a group of kids looking like a crazy man. You're lucky that bus monitor didn't pull a knife on you. Then you'd definitely be crying."

Kevin smack his arm lightly. "Shut up, I'm not a baby."

"Nope," Esposito agreed. "You're only a baby when it comes to your baby."

"When tough little boys grow up to be dads,

they turn into big babies again..."

[detective-rysposito-blog]

I was bored so I made a new page for my fics so you can sort through a few tags. I’ll fix it up as I go. Here it is.  Now I’m working on a Rysposito fic-rec...

[detective-rysposito-blog]

baby, it’s cold outside; a rysposito fic

this is a result of the current snowstorm and i'm stuck in. please enjoy an excuse just to write some fluff javier being a dork

summary:  In which there is a snowstorm, lots of bundling, flirting and mistaken identity.or the one where Javier should have known, but he was too lost in a sea of blue word count: 908 (ao3)

Javier loved being a NYPD detective. There wasn’t one day he ever regretted joining the job. But there were times that he less than enjoyed the job, but he considered it all occupational hazards. The late hours, shitty pay for the amount of times he risked his life and that one time their perp pissed in the backseat of their car.

 And then there was the hell of never getting a day off even in the middle of a damn snowstorm. Their was a travel ban and all of the subways were closed, but every cop was still required to be on time for roll call.

 He stepped out of the cab in front of the precinct and saw a well bundled up man walking towards the door. Javier got to the front doors first and held them open for him. The man looked up at him and said what Javier assumed to be “thanks” but it was muffled. The man had a scarf wrapped around his face and the only part of his face showing were bright blue eyes with snowflakes clinging to his lashes.

 Maybe it was the cold or maybe it was the fact that Esposito hadn’t been on a date in a few weeks and was feeling lonely, but Esposito felt drawn to this man. If he played his cards right he could spend his night warm and curled under the blankets with this man.

 Javier couldn’t take his eyes off the man’s blue eyes and he stood there staring until the man gave him a weird look. Javier shook his head. “Sorry. I thought it was just a saying-- getting lost in someone’s eyes, but now I see yours and I was so wrong.” Javier put on his most flirtatious smile. Hey, he probably only had until they each reached their respective floors to get this guy’s number.

 Javier thought he looked cute bundled up like he was. His eyes were the only thing giving Javier any clue to how the man was reacting. Right now his eyebrows were furrowed in what Javier guessed was confusion.

 “C’mon, let’s get inside where it’s warm, Blue Eyes.” Javier nodded his head and watched him walk in. He got a quick view of how nice the mystery man’s ass looked in his pants. Good thing he wasn’t wearing a long coat.

 Javier followed close behind to enjoy the view, but then the man stopped and turned around. He stared at Javier and nodded his head towards himself as if he was saying “hurry up”. Javier grinned. He was in.

 Javier came up to his side just as they got to the elevator. The man looked at him and blinked. Javier couldn’t help but notice the snow still clinging to his black lashes and some of it dripping down his cheek under the scarf. Javier used the pad of his thumb to wipe the snow from one eye.

His blue eyes widened, but the elevator doors opened and he stepped through them without a word. Javier followed close behind and watched as he pressed the button for the homicide floor.

 Javier turned to the man. “You’re heading to homicide, too? Must be my lucky day.”

 The man snorted and rolled his eyes.

 Then realization dawned on Javier. “Oh, you must be Captain Beckett's big witness she was waiting on.”

 The man remained quiet.

 “I can show you to her office...and when you’re done I can show you back to my apartment to stay warm.” Javier winked.

 The man’s head tilted like a puppy. Javier thought it was adorable. Unfortunately, the elevator doors opened and Javier knew he would have to send the man off to Beckett now. They walked into the bullpen just as a man walked out of Beckett’s office and passed them on the way to the elevator.

 Javier paused and looked to where Beckett was standing in her doorway. “Hey, who’s that?”

 “That’s the witness I told you about,” Beckett said.

 Javier furrowed his eyebrows turning to the man that had followed him up in the elevator; he was now standing by Kevin’s desk. “If that was your witness then who is…”

Beckett followed his gaze to the man. She smiled. “Cold out there, huh, Ryan?”

 Javier was positive his heart stopped beating. “Ry--Ryan?” He said, his voice cracking.

 The man pulled off his hood and hat before unwrapping the scarf to reveal nobody else but his partner, Kevin Ryan.

 “It’s a little nippy, but apparently I have Javi to keep me warm tonight.” Kevin turned to Javier with a grin.

 “That...that was you…?” Javier wanted to nothing but bury himself under a pile ofsnow for the rest of his life.

 “It sure was, Brown Eyes.”

 Javier blushed.

 Beckett laughed. “What did he flirt with you on the way up here?” Her laughter died down when she saw Javier and Kevin’s faces and realized she was right. “Oh, my God.”

 “How didn’t I know?” Javier said, running a hand through his hair.

 “You were probably too lost in those pretty blue eyes.” Beckett grinned with a wink.

 “Why didn’t you say something? Before I made a complete ass of myself.” Javier asked, looking at Kevin. His blue scarf was still hanging around his neck making his eyes pop.

 “I thought it was cute,” Kevin said with a grin. “And if the offer still stands, I’d love to keep you warm tonight.”

[detective-rysposito-blog]

12 days of christmas; a rysposito fic

For @ryspositowritings  summary: Secret Santa Fic Exchange 2k15: Javi loves Kevin, that much he knows. What he can’t figure out is how to go about telling him, so, instead, he starts leaving him gifts from a “secret admirer”, half hoping Kevin will figure it out on his own. Kevin isn’t a detective for nothing and eventually comes to the conclusion that his partner is a romantic dork, but decides to wait and see if he'll really go through with the full 12 Days of Christmas before revealing that he knew it was him since "three french hens". Get together fic, smut if you wish. word count: 11,686 (ao3)

Javier Esposito was not good at picking out gifts for people. He spent hours into the shopping and thinking, but when he watched his present being opened the look of the receiver's face was enough to know he screwed up.

He was used to it; that flicker of disappointment in the eye that was quickly replaced by feigned excitement. Whether they already had the gift, it wasn't their style or Javier was just so off base that an excuse wasn't needed.

So as he got older, he started to just give more gift cards than actual gifts. It was much less personal, and sure people sometimes made a face, but they would have been upset if he picked out an actual gift. Damned if he did, damned if he didn't.

There were only two people who appreciated his gifts, his mother and Kevin Ryan. 

Javier suspected that she only pretended to like his gifts because she was his mother, but one year when he bought her a gift card, not wanting her to get yet another crappy present, she slapped him upside the head.

"You're giving your mother a gift card to Applebee's for Christmas? What happened to those cute little figurines? I have one from every year since you joined the Academy and now I'll have an empty spot."

"I thought you'd like that better. You don't have to pretend to like them, Mama. I'm a grown man."

"Pretend? Trust me, you'd know if I didn't like your present...just like right now." She laughed, but when she saw Javier still frowning, she grew serious. "Javi, I love your presents because I love you. Those small glass figurines show me you took the time to go around and find the perfect thing for me. The love you put into it is half the gift, you know."

Javier never forgot those words and the next day he made sure to be the limited edition glass angel that he had gotten for her all the previous years. That time when he watched her open it, her smile seemed all the more sincere.

But Kevin couldn't use the mother excuse when he truly liked Javier's presents. The way his eyes lit up every birthday, Christmas, anniversary and any other holiday that Javier and Kevin deemed important enough to exchange gifts on, when he opened up his present made all the hours that Javier spent trying to find the perfect thing for his partner.

Their first Christmas together as partners was simple enough with a six pack of beers and a gift card to an Irish Pub-Restaurant. But when Kevin invited Javier to dinner because he wouldn't use up the whole card with just himself and then they both crashed at Javier's place after splitting the six pack over a game of Madden, that's when Javier should have known that they reached a point where the gift giving wouldn't be as easy anymore.

It started from spending hours in the mall trying to find the perfect gift and turned into randomly walking down the street one day and seeing something in the window that made him think of Kevin and he would pick it up even if there wasn't a special occasion.

It wasn't weird for Javier to show up to work with a small plastic bag in hand because he found something for Kevin. Javier never really noticed when shopping for gifts was no longer a hassle. Well, for everyone else it still was, but it became so easy for Javier to know exactly what Kevin would like that he actually looked forward to shopping for his partner.

But for the first time in 12 years Javier didn't know what to get for Kevin. Not because he had no ideas, but because they weren't right. This year had to be perfect.

This was the year he was going to finally grow some balls and tell Kevin that he liked him a little more than he let on. Okay, maybe, a lot more.

So Javier doubted that the collector's edition of JRR Tolkien's Lord of the Rings would help Kevin understand what Javier was trying to say. It was still a gift that Kevin would die for, so of course he'd keep it for maybe a one week anniversary gift. That is, if he had the balls to tell him in the first place.

He could definitely tell him if he had the perfect gift. But what was the perfect gift? He'd been pondering that question for the past week, but still he had no ideas.

Until the other morning when he got into his car to drive to work. He forgot that he drove Ryan home last night, who insisted to blast the radio station playing Christmas music continuously until Christmas, so when he started the car a familiar tune blared from his speakers.

-And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 5 golden rings!-

Javier's eyes widened as he listened to the song. A song that he'd heard dozens of times already just this season. But only now was he suddenly getting the idea. Instantly giddy, Javier couldn't wait to get home and start planning. If he was going to go through with this idea then he only had three days to plan before he had to get into action.

On December 13, Javier needed to start his 12 days of gift giving. And he would correlate each day with the lyrics to the song. He of course wasn't getting his partner an actual patridge in a pear tree; that would be ridiculous. He even totalled it up and it would be around $27,000. He loved Kevin to pieces, but he just couldn't just drop that much money in one year. And besides, Javier could do much better with personal and meaningful gifts.

So he went home that night and sat down for hours, thinking of the perfect gifts. He liked some better than others, but it was the best he could do considering some of the gifts in the song. Like hens and geese and dancing ladies.

And now, here he was, exactly 12 days before Christmas with a note for his partner and a stomach full of butterflies.

Kevin was babbling about some movie he was watching last night. But Javier didn't hear one word he was saying. He saw Kevin's lips moving, a constant smile glowing along with his bright blue eyes. And his hands were gesturing wildly, aiding his story telling.

Javier was too busy trying to figure out when would be the right time to drop the note on his partner's desk. Would it even be enough? Or would Kevin roll his eyes and throw it in the garbage?

Javier felt sweat start to form little beads on his forehead and his leg started to jitter nervously. He needed to drop the present before he chickened out.

Then suddenly, Kevin stood up and broke Javier from his nervous gaze. He blinked a few times as Kevin walked past him before he quickly grabbed the back of his sleeve to get his attention. Kevin turned around with a questioning look on his face.

"Where, uh, where are you going?"

Kevin didn't answer right away; he stared at Javier like he'd grown another head. "I told you a second ago...the bathroom."

Javier let go of Kevin's sleeve. "Oh, yeah. Sorry."

Kevin looked down at Javier in concern. "You okay, Javi? You're sweating and your face is flushed. Are you sick?"

"No," he quickly answered. "I'm fine."

Kevin seemed to hesitate. "Okay...if anything changes, tell me." Javier rolled his eyes as Kevin walked away towards the bathroom.

Javier waited until Kevin disappeared from the bullpen before he stood up from his desk. He slowly walked to Kevin's desk, keeping an eye out for anyone watching him. It wasn't odd for him to be at Kevin's desk throughout the day, whether his partner was present or not. So it wouldn't raise any alarms, but once Kevin found the present on his desk people could start putting two and two together.

Once the coast was clear enough and he double checked that Beckett's office door was shut, he pulled out the small wrapped box and the note. He stole one more glance around the floor, then carefully placed the gift on his partner's desk. With a small smile, he dropped the small card on top.

He stood back to inspect his work. It was small and somewhat easy to miss, but Javier knew that the moment Kevin returned, he would know his 'system' was being disrupted. He nodded his head, with the smile still on his face and turned back to his own desk.

"'Sito!"

Javier's eyes widened and his head whipped towards the elevator where Castle was heading towards him. Javier's eyes shot over to where Kevin's present was still sitting on top of his files. Shit. If Castle saw it then he'd make a big deal and Javier would be found out. His cover was going to be blown not even a day in.

So Javier would have to keep him distracted before he ruined the surprise for Kevin. But, luck must have been on his side today because before Castle could even reach their desks, Kevin was coming back.

"Hey, Castle!" Kevin's cheery voice caught the writer's attention and Javier breathed a sigh of relief when he turned around.

Javier could hear them talking as they walked side by side towards him. This is it, Javier thought. Once Kevin saw the present, there was no turning back.

Javier watched silently as Kevin came back to sit down in his seat. His attention was on Castle, so he didn't notice the small wrapped present until he sat down. His eyes widened and whatever response he was about to give Castle died on his lips.

He reached out, but his hand stopped just short. Javier quickly looked down at his desk and pretended he didn't notice. He only turned his head up again when Kevin said, "Uh, Javi?"

"Yeah, Kev?"

"Did you see anyone by my desk?"

"No, bro. Why?" Javier was glad that Kevin wasn't paying too much attention to him. Kevin could always tell when he was lying.

"There's a little gift here…" Kevin said, but didn't go to pick it up yet. He almost sounded shocked that he had a present. "I wonder who it's from-"

"Well, open it and find out!" Castle said excitedly, dragging a chair over next to Kevin's desk.

Kevin finally took the card in his hand and read it out loud, "I thought these would make a better pair. Though you and me still make the best. Signed..." Kevin's eyes widened and didn't voice the signature.

Castle started to get antsy. "What? What does it say?" He tried to read the card upside down.

"It's...it's from my 'true love'." Kevin traced his finger delicately over the signature.

"Your true love? Like a secret admirer," Castle noted, clearly delighted at the new mystery.

Kevin didn't answer the writer's question because he was too busy carefully unwrapping the box. Javier watched for his reaction carefully as Kevin lifted the lid and looked inside.

A smile grew on Kevin's face as he pulled the present out of the small box. "It's a pair of cufflinks." He stared down at them and laughed softly. "Whoever did this must know me well. I lost my favorite pair of cufflinks last week and needed a new pair."

Castle leaned over to get a good look. "Hey, what're those letters inscribed?"

Kevin took a closer look. "K and J…"

Castle leaned back in chair and looked deep in thought. "So, a pair of cufflinks, initials, and it's from your true love. There has to be a clue somewhere...I can feel it. I just can't quite place it."

Javier looked over at him in worry, hoping Castle wouldn't use his weird working brain to ruin his plan. But when he took a look at his partner, he noticed Kevin was too busy focusing on his new gift to acknowledge Castle.

Javier watched him put the cufflinks on carefully and the smile on Kevin's face made his own lips upturn.

Later in the day, Javier got a moment alone with Kevin in the car on their way to pick up a witness.

Javier just had to know if he was making a fool of himself or not. "So, you got a new pair of cufflinks."

Kevin nodded happily, looking down at them again. He was enamored with them the first hour after he opened the present. Javier hoped Kevin would enjoy them, but it was only a stupid pair of cufflinks. Kevin looked at them on his wrists like they were they were his most valuable possession.

"Yeah." He got that dopey smile back on his face again.

"You like them?" Javier stole a quick glance at his partner before turning his eyes back to the road.

"I do," Kevin said earnestly. "But I just wish I knew who gave it to me. I'm still kinda surprised though." He chuckled.

Javier furrowed his eyebrows. "Surprised? Why's that?"

"Come on, Javi. We both know I don't have a line of people asking for my number."

"Even with eyes like those?" Javier teased- okay maybe flirted.

Kevin rolled said eyes.

Javier laughed softly. "Okay, but in all seriousness, why is it so hard to believe you have a secret admirer, Ryan?"

Kevin shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know." He smiled and asked, "Do you think there'll be more?"

"I don't know, bro. Do you want there to be more?"

"Yeah." Kevin looked at his cufflinks again. "It's nice to see someone putting thought and time into something just for me."

Javier glanced over at Kevin again. Even if Kevin rejected him in the end, it would be worth it as he watched Kevin smile brightly at each new gift.

Javier had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from breaking out into a large grin when he saw Kevin wearing the cufflinks again.

Just like any other day, Kevin was sitting behind his desk working on the reports from their last case.

Kevin didn't figure out the puzzle of the gift giving being a copy of The 12 Days of Christmas the previous day so he wasn't expecting another gift today.

He had to wait for the perfect time to drop today's gift, which turned out to be when Kevin went to the vending machine to grab him and Javier some snacks.

Javier snuck his arm over to Kevin's desk and put his next gift in the same spot as yesterday.

He stared at the disfigured turtle carved from a bar of soap. That had taken him at least three hours and a few knicks on his hand. He knew he was hopelessly in love with his partner just as he finished carving a small smile on the turtle's face.

Kevin came back with a candy bar and a bag of chips. He tossed Javier the chips before he sat down.

Javier watched him grin and pick up the small carving with delicate fingers. "Hey, Javi, look it's a cute little turtle."

Javier chuckled, happy that Kevin didn't think it was stupid.

"In case you couldn't tell, it's a turtle. Signed, your true love." Kevin read the small note that wasn't really needed. "I'm gonna put him right here." Kevin placed it next to the framed photograph of him and Javier during their 10th anniversary celebration at The Old Haunt.

"Really, bro? It's just a turtle made out of soap." Javier raised his eyebrows.

Kevin shook his head. "No. Look at it; this must have taken hours. Whoever took the time to make this for me cares. I can't personally thank them, but I can show them how much I appreciate it."

Javier felt his heart warm at how thoughtful his partner was, but on the outside he played it cool. "Whatever you say, Kev."

"And you didn't see anyone by my desk while I was gone?" Kevin asked. "You were here."

Shit, Javier hadn't thought of that. "Beckett called me into her office for a quick second," Javier fibbed.

Kevin looked ready to challenge him when Castle interrupted them. "Guys, I have an idea!"

They both turned to watch the writer running up to them from the elevator. "About what, bro?" Esposito asked.

Castle stopped between their desks and as he caught his breath he looked over at Ryan. "Did you get something else today?"

Kevin nodded and pointed towards the little turtle on his desk.

Castle grinned and slapped a piece of paper on Kevin's desk. "I was up all last night trying to piece everything together. And I thought maybe your secret admirer was giving you gifts based on the Christmas carol, The 12 Days of Christmas. And I was totally right!"

Javier watched with baited breath as Kevin looked from Castle to his carved turtle. Javier was not expecting Castle to figure it out that easily.

"Look," Castle said when he saw Kevin wasn't following. "Yesterday you got a pair of cufflinks and the word 'pair' was emphasized. As in the first day of Christmas, a partridge in a pear tree from their true love. And today, a turtle carved from a bar of Dove soap."

"Oh," Kevin said softly, staring down at the turtle with a small smile.

"You're going to give your secret admirer a complex," Castle said suddenly, looking at the turtle as well.

"Why? What's wrong?" Kevin frowned.

Castle rolled his eyes. "You put it right next to a picture of you and Espo. Your best friend. He's competition." Castle nodded his head towards Javier, as if he didn't hear him.

Any other day Javier would have rolled his eyes and made a joke. But now, all he could do was stare down at his desk to try and hide the panic in his eyes.

"That's where I keep my important stuff. Javier is just as important as whoever keeps sending me presents is," Kevin said matter of fact. "And don't call them my 'secret admirer'; that sounds so cliche and sappy."

"Like giving you the 12 days of Christmas isn't?" Castle raised his eyebrows.

"He's got a point, bro." Javier had to get in the conversation so his partner didn't think anything was wrong. Because Kevin would definitely sense the tiniest change in behavior when it came to his partner.

"Well, I think it's romantic."

Javier smiled at Kevin. Romantic. He knew his partner would appreciate his efforts, even if he didn't know he was the one doing it all. Well, he didn't know yet.

Kevin knew. Of course he did. Well, he didn't know for sure until day three.

Kevin came into work and there was a hot croissant on his desk with a note that said, 'Well, it's French, right?'

Croissants were Kevin's favorite and he eagerly took a bite. His teeth sunk into the pastry and he groaned in delight.

This was the best croissant he'd ever had. This perfect of a treat could only be found an hour away at the bakery all the way in Long Island. Kevin knew because only one bakery in all of New York could make something this delicious. Every year on his birthday, Javier always treated him to one of these croissants because he knew they were his favorite…

Kevin stopped chewing and felt like he was hit with a sack of bricks.

Day one he got a pair of cufflinks...a few days after he complained to Javier about losing his pair.

Day two he got that carved duck that wasn't perfect, but he knew it took hours. Only Javi would do that for him.

And today he got a croissant that only Javier knew he adored.

Kevin stared down at the pastry in his hand and smiled softly. His partner was doing this for him. Looking at the note again he felt his stomach swirl. Javier had signed each card, 'your true love'. Javier loved him.

"Hey, bro. What'cha got?"

Kevin smiled and turned around to face his partner. He could easily solve this right now and jump into Javier's arms. Or he could play stupid and see just how sappy Javier's presents got. That sounded like the better idea.

"Croissant."

Javier pretended to extend his arm to steal a piece of Kevin's snack, but his arm was swatted away. Javier looked at his partner with a smile. "That good, huh?"

"My favorite," Kevin said, noticing Javier's smile widen. "You better watch out, Javi, my 'true love' is trying to steal your thunder."

"I don't think I have anything to worry about," Javier said with a smirk.

And he truly didn't. Nobody else cared for him the way Javier did and nobody could ever love Javier as strongly as Kevin did.

Every morning after that day, Kevin found himself actually able to get out of bed and function before seven without coffee. He was eager to get to the 12th and see just what Javier had left him that day. If was even possible for him to out-sap himself.

Castle thought it was hilarious and even Beckett liked to watch Kevin open his new gift in the morning. Javier stayed at his desk, not trying to seem too into it, but also giving some reaction so he didn't look suspicious. Kevin thought it was cute how hard Javier was trying to keep it a secret. Too bad Kevin knew his partner like the back of his hand.

He even left his desk, pretending to be busy whenever Kevin left his desk so he couldn't tell Kevin if he saw anyone by their desks. It was really adorable.

He had a small box at his apartment, just besides the photo album filled with pictures of him and Javi over the years that Mama Esposito put together for him last Christmas, that kept all the notes from his 'secret' admirer. He kept his gifts close by in his apartment.

Except for the fifth day gift because it was onion rings from Stevie, the street vendor just outside the 12th that Kevin and Javier loved to eat at. It was much more corny with the note, 'It's a little early for a golden ring, dontcha think?'

His favorite had to be the mug he got on the eighth day. Javier got creative with the "eight maids a milking". The note tucked inside the large white coffee mug said, 'When you're drinking your honeymilk in bed after a long day's work, you'll think of me.'

Kevin first thought that it was just a white mug, but when he picked it up and looked inside he saw just how wrong he was. It was small and simple, but on the bottom of the cup were the words 'I love you' with a little heart. It had taken all of Kevin's self control to not grab Javier and pull him into a kiss. Javier watched intently as Kevin read the cup and when he showed him the words (like he didn't already know) Javier laughed and said it was a sappy, girly gift. Kevin made sure Javier knew how much he loved it.

And Kevin loved it even more that night when he finished off his warm honey-milk and could read those three words. Even though he knew they were there, he got just as excited to see them again with each sip.

Today's gift made him laugh when he saw a copy of Dirty Dancing on his desk and a note. 'Instead of 9, here's one lady dancing and a dude'. Castle laughed, too, but he didn't understand. A few years back, for months before the talent show, Javier and him watched this movie until they thought they were going to burn Gwen's DVD. She didn't want to know why her brother needed to borrow Dirty Dancing to study the ending dance scene so him and his partner could do it together.

Every night was take out (sometimes Javier made some homemade dishes, too), beer and dancing. Kevin's roadkill coach was pushed to the side so they could stumble around his living room until they perfected the dance. The stepped-on-toes, sexual tension and the bruise on Kevin's thigh from that one time Javier accidently dropped him on the coffee table was totally worth it when they won first place and Javier picked him up in a hug to twirl him around for the second time that night.

Whenever they mentioned the movie, both pretended like they were so sick of it, but really they were both disappointed when they had to give it back to Gwen.

But, now they had their own copy. Except, Kevin couldn't even invite him over for a movie night because Javier had been avoiding him since day one. Kevin knew that Javier was probably just nervous, but Kevin missed him.

And if Kevin just showed up to his apartment, there was no way he could turn him away, right?

Day 10. 10 songs on a CD. Kevin loved music and he could fill it with songs Kevin loved, that they sang along to in their car together and slip in a few of those sappy love songs. But not sappy enough that Kevin would laugh at him.

He was in the middle of searching through his library, trying to narrow down some songs he remembered Kevin blasting every time his phone was aux-ed into the car's speakers when there was a pounding at the door.

Javier frowned, not expecting company. He didn't move and hoped maybe the person had the wrong apartment. But the pounding came back. Javier groaned and walked over to the door. He threw it open and his annoyance turned into confusion when he saw large brown paper bags instead of a person. Then suddenly Kevin's head popped out from behind them and he said, "You mind letting me in? These are kinda heavy."

Javier was still confused, but he took two bags from his partner's arms. "What is all this crap? If you wanted me to make dinner, you know I've got enough here."

Kevin followed him into the kitchen to drop the groceries on the counter. "No, I want you to help me make cookies for my secret santa."

"Cookies?" Javier repeated.

"Yes," Kevin said as he stared taking out eggs, flour and other ingredients he bought to make his cookies from the bag. "Cookies."

"Kevin, we both know you can't cook. Remember my birthday a few years ago with the cake and the fire department?"

"You weren't there to help me that time. This time will go much better." Kevin assured him as he pre-heated the oven.

"You want me to help you with your secret Santa's gift? Baking the cookies is the best part of it."

"I know." Kevin looked up briefly to stare at Javier before turning back to the oven.

"Then shouldn't you wait and make them with your secret santa?" Javier huffed, but started to help Kevin unload the bags and sort the ingredients he bought.

Kevin stayed silent for a moment as he went in Javier's shelf to pull out the large bowl tucked in the back. "C'mon, Jav, you gotta come help me with this dough."

Javier rolled his eyes at his baking-challenged partner and pushed him aside. "Get outta the way before you burn down my kitchen." He began to file through Kevin's purchases and make sure he had everything needed. "Can you grab me a measuring cup?"

Kevin reached over Javier to grab the measuring cup out of the cabinet and set it beside Javier, who was already opening the bag of flour and getting ready to pour. Just like Kevin knew, Javier had his mother's recipe branded in his mind.

Kevin stood back and watched as Javier worked through the steps: measuring and pouring and mixing and some more measuring and pouring. Javier glided around the kitchen like this was what he was meant to do. He didn't hesitate once as his baking slowly turned the concoction of flour, sugar, eggs and a few other special ingredients into a bowl of dough.

When he stepped away to grab a cookie sheet, Kevin stepped forward. With one quick glance at Javier to make sure he wasn't looking, he stuck his finger in the bowl and scooped out some dough. Just as he was raising his finger to his mouth, Javier, without turning around, said, "Get you finger out of that bowl, Kevin."

Kevin stuck it in his mouth anyway and suck the dough off his finger. Just like all of Javier's cooking, there was Heaven in his mouth. Javier turned around and caught him, but just rolled his eyes with the smallest of smiles.

Kevin grinned in return. Javier couldn't have expected him not to try what Javier was making. It went the same way every time Javier cooked a meal, usually dinner before Madden night: Javier got into his zone as he went around the kitchen preparing and chopping and grilling while Kevin watched with a small smile on his face. Javier usually didn't ask for Kevin's help involving cooking and Kevin didn't take offense to that because they both know he couldn't cook to save his life, but sometimes the more intricate recipes required Kevin to help Javier out. And as they shuffled around Javier's small kitchen Kevin accidently brushed against his partner more than once. Even if there was that extra inch of space to put between them.

If Kevin wanted to, he could have easily bought a tub of pre-made cookie dough and made them at his apartment to drop off on Javier's desk the next day, but Kevin didn't want to pass up the chance to bake them with Javier. After all, he did say that the cooking was the best part.

"We can start balling them and then throw them in the oven and play a quick game of Madden." Javier was already rolling a piece of dough between his palms.

"Wait!" Kevin said, finally pulled out of his thoughts, and picked up the last unpacked bag he brought over. "I have Christmas shaped cookie cutters." He lifted them out of the bag to show Javier.

Javier stared at him silently for a moment before he asked, "Are you five-years old?"

Kevin grinned and held them closer for Javier to see. "They're cute. See? There's a candy cane and a snowman and a tree and a..well, actually I don't know what this is." Kevin furrowed his eyebrows and twisted the unknown plastic shape in his hand.

Javier stared at the cookie cutter, trying to figure it out as well, but quickly shook his head. "Kev, those never work. The cookies always expand and the shapes never look like they do on the box."

Kevin quirked an eyebrow. "Is Javier Esposito saying there is something he can't cook?"

"It's physically impossible, Kevin-."

"I never picked you to be a quitter when the going gets tough, Javi."

Javier growled; his partner knew exactly how to push his buttons to get what he wanted. "Fine. Give me the damn tree."

Kevin grinned cheekily and handed Esposito the Christmas tree cutter and put the others on the table. He was already bringing the bowl over to the table so they'd have more room. He heard Javier grumbling behind him, but he knew it was all apart of his 'grumpy Esposito' act.

Javier stopped him before he could empty the dough on the table. "Wait." He grabbed the bag of flour and poured some on the table and on his hands. He pushed the bag to Kevin nodding his head to it. "Your idea, you're helping. Flour up."

Kevin did as told and took a seat on the chair next to Javier. He could have moved the chair away so their elbows stopped bumping, but he didn't.

Javier separated the dough and they both started to cut out little shapes. They looked good, but Javier knew it wouldn't last. After a few minutes of silently cutting out cookies, Kevin said, "I like the snowman."

Javier chuckled, not sure what to do with that information. "Good for you, Kev."

Kevin shrugged his shoulders, but went back to cutting. Javier had a variety of trees, candy canes, stockings and that weird mystery shape cookies in front of him, but Kevin was surrounded by little snowmen. Javier smiled and continued with his own. Until he felt Kevin's eyes on him. Javier tried to concentrate on the last of his dough, but Kevin was too distracting.

"What?" Javier finally asked, looking up at Kevin who was openly staring at him.

Kevin startled, but composed himself again quickly. "Nothing." He turned back to his snowman cookie. Javier wanted to question him further, but he didn't.

So he finished off his last cookie shape and turned to see if Kevin was almost finished with his share of the dough. He was on his last piece, but Javier was surprised to see that Kevin had abandoned his snowman cutter.

"What are ya' making?" Javier inquired leaning closer to Kevin.

Kevin pulled his hands away to show Javier the clear shape of the cookie. "It's a heart for my secret santa. I'll put it on the top of the batch tomorrow."

His partner never ceased to warm his heart. Javier smiled softly; he couldn't wait to take a bite from that cookie tomorrow.

"It's probably going to look like a deformed penis once it comes out of the oven." Javier snorted, sitting up straight.

Kevin ignored his partner and started to put their cookies on two separate cookie sheets. Javier laughed when he saw that Kevin's stupid snowmen cookies took up his entire sheet. He was careful with the placement so when they spread they wouldn't attach to each other. Javier stayed in his seat, preferring to watch Kevin rather than help.

Here he could stare- not in a creepy way, of course- at his partner and wonder how he got so lucky.

How did he get so lucky to have a friend- a best friend like Kevin. It didn't take long after they were partnered up for Javier to realize that Kevin was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. No one else could ever make him feel the way Kevin Ryan did.

It was only taking him 12 years to tell him.

"They should be done in 15 minutes and then we can let 'em cool. If you want…" Kevin continued to talk, but once he had Javier's attention ripped from his thoughts it was than lost on how nice Kevin's ass looked as he bent down to put the cookies in the oven. Unfortunately he wasn't wearing that pair of tight jeans that fit him just right with enough for Javier to oogle at whenever he passed. But, anything looked good on Kevin and while the old sweats he was wearing could have done better, Javier still had a great view.

Thankfully, Kevin had the second cookie sheet on the counter next to him so he didn't have to straighten up; it gave Javier a few extra seconds to stare. He told himself to turn away when Kevin shut the oven door, but Javier couldn't tear his eyes off of Kevin. Once Kevin turned around and his ass was out of view, Javier took in how beautiful Kevin looked. His blue eyes and his uncombed, ungelled hair that looked perfectly mussed. Javier wanted to run his fingers through his hair and feel how soft it was and-

"-earth to Javi."

Javier snapped out of his daze when he realized Kevin was waving his hand in front of his face in concern. "Sorry, bro."

Kevin smiled. "So I was saying, while we wait for the cookies to finish, we can squeeze in a quick round of Call of Duty. We'd get too into Madden and the cookies would burn."

Javier raised his eyebrows, stared at Kevin and then looked around at his messy kitchen. "Or we could clean all this up." There was flour all over the table, a cracked egg on the floor that Kevin dropped and a sink full of dishes.

Kevin groaned; Javier knew he hated cleaning. "C'mon, we can get that later."

"You mean we can get that after you pass out on the couch and I have to clean it up by myself?" Javier asked and Kevin smirked.

"You like cleaning. Here's a mess to clean up. Merry Christmas, Javi." Kevin tried to slip behind Javier and out the kitchen, but Javier grabbed his arm. "Nu-uh, I don't think so. Get your skinny little ass over here and help."

Kevin groaned again, louder this time and more theatrical. He'd been spending way too much time with Castle. "Javi."

Javier knew that whine and he avoided looking at Kevin or else he'd definitely give into those puppy dog eyes. "Don't 'Javi', me, Kevin."

"It's not even that messy. It's not like this flour went all over the place."

Javier narrowed his eyes; he knew that spark of mischief in Kevin's voice. Usually he was the one beside him causing the trouble together. Javier whirled around and saw Kevin holding the open bag of flour in his hands. "Kevin, don't you dare. You clean this kitchen by yourself with your tongue if you spill that."

"I'm just joking, Javi. Do you really think-," Kevin cut himself off with a yelp. He hadn't seen the broken egg underneath his feet as he walked towards the counter and slipped on the yolk. The flour flew from his hands and seemed to explode in the air, covering Kevin.

The two of them went silent after Kevin's ass hit the tile four hard enough for Javier to hear. Kevin looked up and immediately started to apologize. "Oh, my God, Javi. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I'll clean it all up. I promise."

Javier stared down at Kevin. There was still flour floating in the air around him, but most of it had settled on him. His hair was white and so were his clothes and face and everything else for that matter. Except for his eyes, of course, that now popped a bright blue against the white flour on his cheeks. Javier couldn't even hope to be mad at his partner who was looking like a kicked puppy as he didn't move from his spot on the floor.

Javier chuckled softly at first, but then they steadily grew until he was red faced and gasping for breath between laughs. "Ry-Ryan, you look like one of your s-snowman!" He struggled to say.

The remorse disappeared from Kevin's face and was replaced with an almost irritated look. "Here I am apologizing for messing up everything and you're laughing?"

Javier smirked, still laughing. "You sound angry, but I can't see if you face is all red underneath that flour."

Kevin grumbled under his breath as he stood up. Javier laughed harder when he saw the butt-shaped space of floor that wasn't covered in flour because it had settled around Kevin when he fell.

"You made an ass-angel."

Kevin narrowed his eyes and with a glint in his eye, he grabbed the flour bag and what was left inside and made a throwing motion with his arms, but his grip remained on the bag so only the flour went flying out and covered Javier.

Javier blinked and took a moment to take in what Kevin had just done. "You are going to regret that, Ryan," Javier promised.

It was Kevin's turn to chuckle. "I don't think so, Frosty. Flour's all gone."

"Oh, there is more than one way to have a food fight." Javier reached out to grab the last egg from the carton.

Kevin's eyes widened and Javier grinned. "Javi, stop! Don't even think about it!"

But Javier was already running after Kevin with the egg in his raised hand. "It's just a little egg. C'mon, Ry, live a little!"

Kevin ran out of the kitchen and jumped over the couch and down the hall. "Javi, I'll kill you!"

They both could run fast from years in the NYPD, but Javier had the extra training in the military giving him the upper hand. And Kevin was also bound to run out of room to run, anyway. Kevin ran straight into Javier's room and turned around to shut the door behind him, but Javier barreled through tackling Kevin to his bed.

They were both breathing heavy, Kevin's pale cheeks were slightly flushed. He had lost most of the flour during his run, but he was still dusted in it. It went quiet and only their labored breathing filled in the room.

Javier was leaning on top of Kevin and Kevin was staring right back up at him with those baby blues. He looked so perfect underneath him that Javier wanted nothing more than to closes the short distance between their lips.

He leaned closer, feeling Kevin's heart beating faster in his chest. Javier was so close to kissing him and Kevin's eyes fluttered close. But he panicked. He couldn't kiss Kevin. What if he ruined everything? He hadn't even finished giving him his gifts. He couldn't spoil it now without knowing if Kevin really felt about him that way. He couldn't kiss him. He wasn't ready to lose Kevin.

So instead, in a panic, he quickly brought his hand down on the top of Kevin's head and smashed the egg. Javier jumped off of Kevin and hoped he wouldn't notice the slight tent in his pants. Kevin blinked his eyes open and looked over at Javier, who distanced himself at least a foot.

Kevin stared at him with confusion and even a bit of hurt in his eyes. "Javi…" he said, lifting a hand to his hair that was now caked with yolk.

"Told you I'd win." Javier chuckled weakly, avoiding Kevin's eyes.

Kevin stood up and contemplated cracking an egg over Javier's head. He wasn't sure what he supposed to do. He had been positive that Javier was going to kiss him. But then...he just smashed an egg over his head. Javier was the king of sending mixed feelings.

Kevin had thought their night was going well- if not perfect. But then the almost-kiss happened and Kevin felt the awkward sexual tension filling the room. Kevin was used to awkwardness, but it was the sexual tension that was killing him. With any other girl or guy he'd ever been with, there was no tension. If they wanted to kiss, they'd kiss, if they wanted sex, they'd have sex. But this was different. This was him and Javi.

He couldn't just say "fuck it" and hope for the best. He couldn't mess this up. So if Javi wasn't ready -for whatever reason- then Kevin wasn't ready either. Even though he was smitten years ago and his 12 days of Christmas was only making Kevin fall harder and harder.

"That's what you think, buddy, but I've got a lot of fight left in me so you better keep your eyes open when you sleep." Kevin joked, trying to lighten the mood again. No matter how irritated he was at his emotionally constipated partner because he couldn't just say "I love you", but instead he had to chicken out and soak his hair in raw egg.

Javier looked up with his grin back in place. "I'd like to see you try, princess."

"We're on truce until after my shower."

Javier laughed. "If it makes you feel any better, I hear that egg is good for the hair."

"I hope the egg clogs your drain," Kevin said as he walked past Javier and towards the bathroom.

Javier shook his head with a smile, glad that Kevin didn't seem too upset. Javier knew how much Kevin hated people messing with his hair. Javier was just grateful that Kevin could never stay mad at Javier. No matter what.

And maybe Javier would get around to growing a pair and actually telling Kevin how he felt without cowering out. Going by his Christmas gifts to Kevin, he only had two days left before was going to either start the best thing he'll ever have or ruin everything he had.

The next morning, Javier stumbled into the precinct at 5:30 in the morning. Kevin had stayed over until 2 and then Javier kicked him out for some sleep. Javier didn't want to, he really didn't.

After Kevin finished his shower, he came out (once the kitchen was cleaned, no surprise there) and sat with Javi. His hair was down and fell against his forehead, looking incredibly soft- the way that Javier preferred it. Kevin had on a pair of Javier's sweats and his Yankees t-shirt that was just a bit big, but Javier thought it was cute.

They sat in the kitchen and talked for hours, but never ran out of words to say. They did start in on the cookies and they finished a full tray, but Kevin didn't look like he minded and Javier sure as hell didn't. At one point, Kevin even offered Javier the last cookie on the plate- the heart shaped one- and Javier didn't know if Kevin realized which he had given away. But Javier took a bite with a smile, hoping Kevin knew exactly what he gave him.

Javier called it quits at 1, knowing not only did they both have work tomorrow, but he still had work to do on Kevin's 11th day of Christmas present. It didn't have anything to do with 'pipers piping' because Javier had no clue where to start with that or what a piping piper even was. So he had to think outside the box. It wasn't much, but Javier figured Kevin would get a kick out of it.

He stole the idea from his sister, remembering her gender-reveal party a few years back. They had a large balloon filled with either pink confetti (for a girl) or blue (for a boy) to let her know if she was having a boy or girl. And when she popped the balloon, pink confetti flew through the air. Javier wasn't going to fill the balloon with pink or blue streamers, he was going to fill 11 balloons with their own little note for Kevin.

Several times Javier had thought against it. It was stupid. He wasn't good at these 'sentimental' gifts, but he knew Kevin would smile brighter than the freaking sun when he saw them so Javier definitely decided that the possibility of making a fool of himself was worth it.

So here he was, sitting at his desk before any other detectives came in, to set up Kevin's balloons. He knew he wouldn't have the precinct alone to himself for much longer so he had to hurry. He was lucky that he had the time now. Or so he thought.

"Uh, Espo, what're you doing?"

Javier stopped blowing air, his lips frozen on the rim of the balloon. He swiveled his chair around to see Beckett staring at him in the doorway of her office. He dropped the balloon in his lap and hoped maybe she didn't notice the other four balloons floating behind him. "I can explain."

Beckett raised her eyebrows. "Is this all for Ryan?"

Javier sputtered, "Wh-What are you talking about?"

Crossing her arms with a roll of her eyes, Beckett said, "Don't play dumb with me, Espo. I know it's you. Sometimes I think you forget I have a great view of the bullpen from my office."

Javier's face burned in embarrassment. "You think it's stupid…" Javier shook his head. "This whole thing is stupid. I don't even know why I'm doing this. He probably doesn't even like me."

Beckett walked over to him and sat in the accompanying chair by his desk. "That's where I think you're wrong." Javier remained silent as he fidgeted with his balloon. Beckett sighed and moved closer to him. "Whether you want to believe me or not, I know he loves you right back."

"Do you think I made a mistake? Is this just going to ruin everything?" Javier finally asked.

Beckett furrowed her brow. "Javi, do you see his face everyday as he looks at your gifts? He loves it. And I think it's really sweet."

"What if he thinks it's someone else? Some cute girl he's got his eye on?" Javier dropped the balloon to his desk with a huff.

Beckett rolled her eyes. "You idiot. Even if Kevin doesn't suspect it's you, I don't think he's going to hate it being from you. Sure, he may be a little surprised you finally pulled your head outta your ass, but I know how he feels about you. He loves you."

"Yeah, well, I may have messed that up, too," Javier grumbled, looking down at his lap.

"What did you do?"

"He came over last night...and some stuff happened and I almost kissed him. I was going to kiss him, actually." Javier looked up to meet Beckett's eyes. She was giving him a look that said, 'Go on', so Javier did with a sigh. "I freaked out, okay?"

"And?"

"I freaked out and... I smashed an egg on his head."

She blinked, opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something and then shut it.

"I didn't mean to, okay? We were cooking and I was chasing him and I tackled him to my bed and I kept leaning forward until I was sure we were going to kiss...but then-"

"You mistook his head for a frying pan."

Javier groaned hung his head in his hands. "I'm such an ass, Beckett. I don't know what I was thinking. I should just stop."

"Don't. Unless you want to break Kevin's heart."

"That's ridiculous, Beckett." Javier scoffed.

"And so is stopping this." Beckett looked at the stuff covering Javier's desk.

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh, come on. Have you not seen him every day. He practically skips over to his desk every morning. Today, watch his face when he reads your notes and you'll see." She smiled softly, patting Javier's arm before standing up to head back in her office.

Javier just sighed and got back to work. No matter how much of a fool he thought he was making himself out to be, he couldn't let Kevin down.

Kevin walked into the precinct at exactly 7. He had his hands full with the cookies left from him and Javier least night, but he was still able to work the elevator buttons. When he stepped into the bullpen, he saw Javier sitting at his desk working on some paperwork like every morning.

Kevin felt his smile widen and his walked a bit faster to get to their desks. On his desk he saw a steaming cup of coffee just like Javier always had for him every morning.

"Good morning, Javi," he said as he took his seat.

Javier looked up with a smile and Kevin wanted to smile more just looking at it, but that wasn't possible. "Hey, Kev."

Kevin put the plate of cookies on his desk and searched for a small note card. He was afraid that after what happened last night, Javier would stop leaving him little notes. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw the card perched on his keyboard.

His arm snatched the note in a blink of an eye. He bit his lip to try to conceal some of his excitement as he read it.

11 things I love about you

And with the note, a small needle was taped to the bottom.

Kevin furrowed his brow. Was the needle his gift? He snuck a quick glance up at Javier and saw him staring at him above the paper in his hands. He ducked his head when their eyes briefly met.

Kevin looked back down at the note and tried to look for a clue that could help. Javier's voice dragged his attention back. "Hey, Kev, do you have an extra copy of that witness statement from the girlfriend? I can't find mine."

"Sure." Kevin barely looked up as he pulled open his bottom drawer. But then something caught his attention and he turned his head to see a blue balloon floating slowly from the now open drawer. Kevin grabbed the small string attached before it floated to the ceiling.

So this had to be apart of the gift because Javier knew where Kevin kept his witness statements and he probably placed that there for him to find. And then it clicked. The needle and a balloon. Kevin pulled the needle off the paper and held it close to the balloon. "Do you think I have to pop it?"

Javier pretended to not know. "Maybe, bro. Try it."

Kevin quickly stuck the needle into the balloon and heard a loud pop, causing everyone in the bullpen to look at him. Kevin held his breath, waiting for something to happen. But he looked around and didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. He looked down at his lap where the balloon remains were scattered and caught sight of a slip of paper. He lifted it up and the words on the paper out loud, "I love the way you make me smile."

Kevin felt his cheeks burn up, but he looked up to see Javier doing his best to try and play it cool so he didn't think he'd notice.

"Don't think it's such a surprise that you make someone smile, Kev."

Kevin felt his heart warm at Javier's soft voice and he wanted to end it there. He wanted to leap across their desks and wrap his arms around Javier.

But he didn't want to ruin it. Javier was getting to the end and it was getting sweeter and more sappy as he continued, so Kevin held back.

Kevin held the small piece of paper delicately in his hand like it would break with the slightest movement. He didn't ever want to lose this. And he wasn't talking about the note. He was talking about the man, his best friend that was sitting across from him with the most beautiful of smiles on his face.

Castle strode through the bullpen with his smile and determination bared. He was supposed to be at his own office working on his own cases, but he couldn't help himself. The only mystery killing him was Ryan's secret santa. He knew Alexis wouldn't like him here avoiding his actual work, but she would be just as curious.

Even though she seemed to already know who had their eyes on Ryan. She claimed Castle just couldn't see it like she did. Whatever.

He could figure it out, too. He would have to cheat and watch Ryan's desk to see who dropped off the last two gifts since he didn't have time to go through everyone that knew Ryan. Castle was also kinda stumped there because Ryan didn't hang out with anyone except for him, Beckett and of course Esposito. Maybe his crush admired him from afar.

Castle didn't see Ryan or Esposito at their desks, but he caught sight of the two in the break room. Castle rushed over to them, carefully avoiding the window to his wife's office so she didn't kick him out for "distracting her detectives".

When he entered the break room and shut the door, he heard the distinguishable sound of a balloon popping. Castle raised his eyebrows as he watched Ryan excitedly read a slip of paper in his hands.

"What's going on here?" He inquired as he took a seat next to Kevin.

"I love when I get lost in your eyes," Ryan read from the paper with a smile on his face.

Castle furrowed his brow and looked to Esposito hoping for an answer. The detective met his gaze and rolled his eyes. "Kev got more presents from his secret-"

"They're notes, Castle! Little notes with reasons to love me." Ryan said with a bright smile, showing Castle the note. "This is the sixth note so far. The others are in my desk if you wanna see them."

Castle smiled at the younger man, amused by how Ryan was acting like a kid on Christmas morning. Ryan could get himself excited about the littlest things and that always amazed Castle. Seeing Ryan so happy was enough to make Castle smile all day long.

"What do the others say? Anything about how freaky blue your eyes or about your ass?" Castle asked with a smirk.

Ryan looked horrified, but did he really expect anything different from the writer? "Castle!"

"What're you saying, Castle? You checking out my partner's ass?" Esposito said with warning lacing his voice. He was scary when he got into over-protective boyfriend mode- which was when anyone flirted or stared at Ryan too long.

Suddenly it all made sense.

Castle gasped loudly looking from Esposito to Ryan and then back to Esposito. His shocked face turned into a knowing grin. "You."

Esposito looked confused, but then his face paled underneath his dark complexion and Castle knew that he knew that he knew. "Castle, don't-"

"What?" Ryan asked immediately, looking from Castle back to Esposito.

"Oh, nothing, just wondering if he stares at your ass, too." Castle quickly stood up and exited the break room before Javier could kill him.

"That was weird," Kevin said once the writer was gone.

Javier raised his eyebrows. "Really, bro? Castle's always weird."

"Yeah, I guess." Kevin shrugged his shoulders.

"C'mon," Javier said, nudging Kevin's shoulder. "Let's go find more balloons."

Kevin grinned widely and Javier couldn't help but smile back at his partner.

By the end of the day, Kevin had collected a short stack of papers with the sweetest words anybody had ever told him written down. All from his partner, Javier Esposito.

If he ever heard someone say that Javier wasn't sentimental or sappy, Kevin would rightfully slap them.

Thankfully, they didn't have any open cases so Javier and Kevin pretty much spent the entire day together finding balloons throughout the precinct.

If Kevin didn't know it was Javier before this, than he definitely would have by now because the notes could only have been written by him. Sure, some were just obvious things that anybody would have seen, but there were others that wouldn't have been so easily noticed. Like, 'I love the way your nose crinkles when you laugh.' or 'I love the little wrinkles in your forehead when you're confused.'

Nobody paid attention to Kevin like that. Nobody except Javier.

And others were less romantic, but still obviously Javier. 'I love your ugly ties.'

But none hit him as hard as the last one did. He popped that last balloon and expected a cute note finding a new shade of blue to compliment his eyes. He wasn't expecting the note to give him goosebumps.

'It scares me how much I love you.'

Javier was silent, but Kevin could see the uncertainty he was trying to hide. He didn't even make a joke like he had done on every other note. He excused himself and avoided Kevin for the rest of the night.

Kevin let him go. He figured it was better to let this out of his system and sort through his feelings now.

So he was sitting at his desk as the last of the detectives exited the bullpen. Kevin was too busy reading all of the notes. He smiled at the one on top: 'I love that you're a big dork.'

He didn't hear as Karpowski said, "Goodnight, Ryan." before she went home, leaving only Kevin in the bullpen. Except for Beckett who was probably still holed up in her office, sorting through the day's paperwork. He also didn't hear Castle walk out of her office and come to sit next to him.

"You know."

Kevin looked up. "What?"

"You know who he is. Your secret santa."

Kevin nodded his head with a faint smile. "Yeah. Since day three."

"How?" Castle asked. "I mean, I'm a writer, I should know how to solve mysteries like this."

Kevin raised his eyebrows. "And I'm a detective."

"You get my point. I could have at least solved it sooner." Castle said, sounding frustrated at himself.

"He's my partner, Castle. Nobody knows him like I do. Don't let it damage your ego too hard." Kevin laughed.

Castle brushed that off, taking it as karma from all the times he called Kevin a leprechaun. "So you let him go through with all that stuff?"

Kevin sighed softly. "Castle...you're rich and famous and handsome and funny. So I doubt you've ever had a problem getting a girlfriend. Hell, you married the girl of your dreams."

Castle couldn't argue with that.

"But, me? I'm not rich or famous. I'm just a baby-faced socially inept guy that makes every conversation awkward. High school, I was the joke of school. You know, because what 'gay' kid goes to Catholic school. Sure, it got better after high school, but of all the girlfriends and boyfriends I've had...none have ever made me feel like Javi does."

Kevin was staring down at his lap, unable to look Castle in the eyes as he admitted this.

"It's selfish, but I wanted to keep getting those little presents. I really looked forward to it. I was just afraid that if I told him I knew it was him, he'd freak out and think he's making a mistake. I can't lose him, Castle. So I'll wait for him to be ready. Whether I have to wait a day, a year or a lifetime."

Castle finally spoke up, his voice much softer. "You really love him, huh?"

Kevin smiled down at the note on his desk and nodded. "It scares me what I would do for him."

"Well, tomorrow's the twelfth day, right? So you won't have to wait much longer." Castle nudged his shoulder.

"Yeah, that's if he decides to go through with it and tell me." Kevin sighed, looking back at the writer.

"Why do you have to wait for him? Look at what he's given you, Kev. He obviously loves you. He knows he loves you too. There's no more needing to get ready; he just has to have the balls to tell you. But why not you?"

"Castle, I can't-"

"Just listen for a sec. If tomorrow everything goes well and he tells you, then you don't have to. But if he doesn't, if he chickens out, you need to say something or you two will be chasing each other's tails for the rest of your lives." Castle stood up with one last pat to Kevin's shoulder. "You're both head over heels for each other. Stop waiting so long to start your ending."

Kevin thought about what Castle said. He spent all night staring up at his ceiling thinking about what he said. Castle was right. Kevin was done tip-toeing around feelings and pretending like there was nothing between him and Javi.

He wanted Javier to be his and he wanted to be Javier's. And if Javier wasn't going to say that by the end of the day, then dammit, Kevin would.

For the whole day as it turned out, Javier avoided Kevin. When followed him to the break room for their usual afternoon coffee, Javier quickly made his and left instead of sitting at the couch with Kevin to hide from Beckett and not do paperwork- like they usually did. He declined Kevin's offer out to lunch and so Kevin went alone.

Kevin spent the whole time arguing with himself, trying to decide if it was a good idea or not to tell Javier how he felt. Javier had to have felt the same. He couldn't be having second thoughts, he was just nervous.

So Kevin stormed back into the bullpen, determined to grab Javier by the shoulders and shout at him and scream 'I love you!' until he finally understood.

But Kevin returned to find their desks empty. Well, except for the dozen roses on Kevin's desk. Kevin blushed fiercely and looked around to see if anyone was staring at the flowers as well. All of them had their eyes diverted, but Kevin knew some were peeking from the corner of their eyes.

He ignored them and walked over to his desk. He pulled the small card from the flowers and read it. 'I love you, Kevin Ryan. I love your flaws. I love your perfections. I love every single thing about you. My future only sees you and I think I'd like to start my forever with you now. I've waited long enough. Meet me in the gym.'

Kevin's eyes widened. This was it. Kevin played with the edge of the card nervously. Although he had no reason to be. Javier was allowed to be the nervous one, not knowing if Kevin loved him back or not.

But Kevin did. Kevin loved him more than there were stars in the sky.

So Kevin swallowed back any lingering doubt and started marching straight to the gym He left his roses safe on his desk because he knew the second he saw Javier he'd be running into his arms and he didn't want them ruined.

Only, when he got down into the gym, his confidence was gone and replaced with butterflies gnawing at his stomach.

He could just barely see Javier standing in the back in the doorway to the showers. Kevin gulped and continued walking towards him. He knew he shouldn't have been feeling this nervous. This was Javier, his partner. The same guy that went to his family reunions every summer. The same guy who bought him presents just because. The same guy that invited him over for dinner with Mama Esposito once a month. The same guy that had been by his side for the past 12 years. The same guy he was in love with.

"Javier." Kevin said, breaking the silence.

"Kevin." Came the low hesitant reply.

Kevin didn't wait one more second. Just hearing Javier say his name had him throwing all 'what if's out the window and running into Javier's arms. Kevin wrapped his arms around Javier and pulled him close, ignoring the stiffness of Javier's body. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" He asked, pulling away to look at him.

Javier looked surprised, but still anxious. "Wha-?"

"I know it's you, idiot." Kevin laughed.

"Oh, you know, uh, I know, I know it was stupid-"

Kevin rolled his eyes. "Stupid? No. The sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me? Yes."

Javier's face brightened. "Really? You liked it? You don't think it was dumb?"

"Of course not, Javi."

"Wait, how long have you known?" Javier furrowed his brow.

Kevin smirked. "Since day three."

Javier's eyes widened. "What? How?"

"The same croissant, Javi. The same croissant you always buy me. Did you think I wouldn't notice?"

Javier paused, but then the surprise disappeared from his face and he smiled. "That's downside of crushing on a detective," he joked.

"You, being a detective, should have known that I would have felt the same way. I invited you home for Christmas last year for Pete's sake. I don't bring just anybody home to my family in Ireland you know." Kevin rolled his eyes with a fond smile.

Javier laughed and finally put his arms around Kevin's waist to pull him closer. "So you liked all the gifts? Honestly."

"I did and I loved them even more because they came from you." Kevin saw a flash of doubt pass through Javier's eyes- he was always thinking he wasn't good enough. "Hey, I'm being honest, Javi. You're it for me. I don't imagine myself growing old with anybody but you. When I'm old and gray and wrinkly I want to look beside me and see you. You are my everything now until the end of time."

Javier pulled him closer until their noses were brushing each other. "I'm so glad you said that, corazon. There was a reason I brought you down here. One because we've got some privacy and two because there was a convenient spot for me to hang that." He nodded his head up.

Kevin looked up to the doorframe and saw mistletoe hanging above their heads. "And just went I thought you could get any cheesier." He grinned.

Javier smiled before pulling Kevin flush against his chest and their lips met. Kevin couldn't even describe the feelings coursing through his body as Javier lips continued to kiss his. Nobody had ever made Kevin feel this way. Not that Kevin was surprised. He always thought Javier was probably a great kisser.

And he was. He was rough and not afraid that he'd break Kevin with too much force, but at the same time he was gentle and careful, making sure that Kevin got all the attention he deserved.

"You know," Kevin said, even though he hated to pause the kiss. "I never imagined our first kiss to be in this moldy gym."

"I don't know," Javier said in a low husky voice. "I've imagined us doing more than just sparring in this gym."

Kevin moaned and went back to letting Javier devour his lips. Until they needed to breathe again. Then they stopped and Kevin rested his forehead against Javier's. "Hey, Javi?"

"Yeah, Kev," he breathed, his eyes closed and a slight flush to his cheeks.

"Next time if you're trying to keep yourself a secret by writing notes to me. Have someone else write them because if you think after 12 years over being your partner I haven't memorized your handwriting, you're crazy."

[detective-rysposito-blog]

let’s be us again

(ao3) 4.9k words For the Rysposito Secret Santa Fic Exchange: Ryan and Esposito hate fighting, but usually the making-up is totally worth it.  

Javier Esposito had never once been jealous.

When his school had it's annual Father-Son bowling night, Javier wasn't jealous of his friends because they had a father to go with. Javier had just as much fun with his Uncle.

When the other kids in his school had the newest toys, clothes and baseball equipment and he was wearing his until they absolutely did not fit or were riddled with holes, Javier was not jealous.

In high school, when his best friend went to prom with the most beautiful girl in school while he was working a double shift at the local auto shop, Javier was not jealous.

So when Kevin all of a sudden started mentioning his new girlfriend, Javier wasn't jealous. It couldn't have been serious because he never bothered to introduce her to Javier. He thought just like every other girlfriend, she would be gone before the end of the month.

But when Kevin brought her to the precinct one evening and Javier finally got to meet her, he started to get this uneasy feeling in his stomach whenever he thought about Kevin and Jenny together.

She was beautiful, smart, sweet and a down to earth girl; no wonder his partner was dating her. The way that Kevin held her as he introduced her made him realize that he probably lost Kevin. He had taken too long to get his shit together and someone else beat him to Kevin. He could easily imagine Kevin and Jenny together forever.

He used to only imagine himself with Kevin.

That thought stung. For years he was by Kevin's side through it all and now he was losing him all because he didn't open his stupid mouth.

After Kevin and Jenny left for their movie, Javier grabbed his coat without even filing his paperwork for the night. He huffed and stormed past Beckett and Castle.

Castle shifted in his chair and called Esposito, "Where're you going, 'Sito?"

"Home," he said without even turning to address the writer.

Castle turned to Beckett with a look of worry and she asked the Hispanic detective, "You finished all your paperwork?"

"It'll be there tomorrow," he grumbled when he reached the elevator. He stabbed the button harder than necessary and impatiently tapped his foot until it opened and he walked through.

Once he was gone, Castle turned to Beckett and asked in a sad, soft voice, "Jenny?"

"Jenny." Beckett confirmed with a short nod.

The next morning, Esposito woke up and was 90% sure that someone was pounding through his head with a jackhammer.

He didn't remember anything past going to the bar and ordering drink after drink. His mind was crowded with bright blue eyes, a gummy smile and soft touches.

"Morning, handsome."

Okay, so that voice was new. Esposito blinked his eyes open to find a woman lying next to him in bed. It was one of those nights, he thought. "Um, good morning."

The woman giggled and tucked a strand of her brunette hair behind her ear. "I can't really remember much of last night, but I remember it was a good time."

Esposito pushed himself up, feeling like such an ass. He hadn't had a one night stand in years, but he let one little thing with Ryan drive him crazy enough to do it again. He couldn't even remember the good part. Now he was stuck with a killer hangover and the awkwardness.

"I'll go make some coffee. There's a bathroom just down the hall." He stood up and didn't bother to cover himself as he grabbed a pair of boxers from his drawer, slipped them on and left the room.

Stumbling into the kitchen, he turned on his coffee machine and tried to think of a way to get rid of this girl without sounding like a dick. He didn't want her, he wanted Ryan. And even his drunken self must have known the same because it wasn't hard to see. That girl had brunette hair like Ryan, she had big blue eyes like Ryan, she smiled like Ryan, she had a button nose that wrinkled when she laughed like Ryan. It was ridiculous.

"Do you have creamer? I like my coffee sweet." Oh great, she drank her coffee like Ryan too.

Esposito grunted and turned to the fridge to pull of the creamer he kept in there just for Ryan. He set the bottle on the counter next to the two mugs while the coffee brewed. He sighed and turned around to face her. "Listen, I'm…" He trailed off when he saw her sitting at his table wearing nothing but one of his t-shirts. Esposito tried not to imagine Ryan wearing it in her place.

"I hope you don't mind. I didn't want to throw on my dress from last night." She smiled again and must have noticed his hesitation and quickly said, "I know we were both drunk and it wasn't supposed to mean anything...but I was hoping that maybe we could try it out." She blushed and ducked her head with a smile.

Esposito was about to politely decline when the buzzing of his phone caught his attention. He checked his text from Ryan and read it.

i won't be able to make coffee this morning, jennys making breakfast. sorry!

Esposito scowled down at the phone. Ryan was seriously ditching their morning coffee together before work for a stupid breakfast with Jenny? Suddenly this girl sounded like the perfect idea. Ryan obviously didn't care for him like that when he had Jenny to worry about. Well, Esposito didn't need him either.

"Hey, Espo, wanna meet at the Old Haunt to have some drinks and watch the game?" Castle asked, coming to stand by his desk. "Ryan already turned it down because he's busy with Jenny tonight."

Esposito looked up apologetically at the writer. "Sorry, bro, can't. I have a date tonight."

Castle didn't look disappointed, in fact he looked interested. "Anyone I would know?"

Esposito chuckled. "I don't think so, Castle."

Ryan walked up and sat down at his desk, grabbing the writer's attention. "Hey, Ryan, did you know Espo has a girlfriend?"

Ryan looked up and for a split second, Esposito thought he looked upset, but then there was a smile plastered on his face. "News to me. Someone serious, Javi?"

Esposito shrugged his shoulders. He really wasn't sure. She was a great girl and after that morning when they spent time sober he really enjoyed their time together. She was a great girl. But Esposito felt guilty every time he kissed her or held her or sometimes even looked at her and imagined Ryan there instead. He was using her, he knew that, but not purposely. If it weren't for Ryan he would have been all for dating her.

But Ryan was still there and Esposito still had a raging crush on him. But he couldn't have Ryan and this girl was the closest he was going to get anytime soon.

"When are you going to bring her to the precinct?" Castle asked with a smirk.

Esposito rolled his eyes. "What makes you think I would want to bring her here?"

Castle pouted. "Aw, come on, you don't think she'd want to meet your best friends- your only friends?"

"Seriously, bro?"

Castle grinned before jumping up from his seat. "I've gotta tell Beckett our boy is growing up and settling down."

Once Castle was gone to find wherever Beckett had disappeared to, Esposito found himself alone with a quieter than usual Ryan. By now, Ryan would be talking a mile a minute, but now he sat straight in his seat and flipped through paperwork.

"You okay, Ryan?"

Ryan looked up. "What? Oh, uh, yeah, fine." He mumbled, obviously distracted by his thoughts.

"You don't look fine."

"It's nothing." Ryan said, fidgeting in his seat.

"Ryan, I can see something's bothering you. You've got that frown on your face that makes little wrinkles on your forehead." Esposito raised his eyebrows.

"No, I don't," Ryan said even though he slapped a hand on his forehead.

Esposito chuckled, but he soon turned somber. "Kevin, seriously, tell me what's wrong."

"I'm just surprised, is all. I didn't know you had a girlfriend." He shrugged his shoulders, avoiding Esposito's gaze.

"I only met her a week or two ago. I didn't really see why I had to tell anyone about her until I thought it was serious."

Ryan put down his pen. "I just thought, you know, I told you about Jenny the next day."

"I didn't meet her until a month later," Esposito pointed out. But he didn't want to start anything or put Ryan in a worse mood so he brushed it off. "Whatever, bro. She's just a girlfriend. Don't get your panties in a twist."

Ryan didn't react to Javier's joke; he just smiled. "We should go on a double date!"

Esposito immediately shook his head. "No way. Do you remember our last double date?"

"Jenny won't bring up marriage, I promise." Ryan said earnestly.

Still Esposito didn't budge. "Nope."

Ryan huffed and went back to work. Esposito watched and he was torn between anger and regret. He wanted to scream at Ryan for giving him mixed signals; one second he was happy with his girlfriend and then the next he was mad at Esposito for getting one. And maybe he should have held back on the girlfriend until Ryan broke things off with Jenny.

Esposito sighed heavily and went back to his own work. Why were they such idiots?

The days dragged on and Ryan and Esposito saw less and less of each other outside of work. When Esposito asked Ryan to hang out, he was busy with Jenny and when Ryan asked Esposito to hang out, he was busy with his own girlfriend.

They had some weird game of hard-to-get going and it was definitely working.

Ryan stopped bothering him about meeting his girlfriend, but Castle didn't. Esposito didn't plan on ever bringing her in until one morning when things were slow at the precinct and Ryan was spending his day texting Jenny every minute because she was sick in bed.

After watching Ryan's dumb love struck face staring down at his phone for too long, Esposito finally cracked. He pulled out his own phone and sent out a quick text.

Hey, u wanna go out for lunch? Come meet me the 12th;)

He dropped his phone on his desk and called loudly to Castle, who was sitting next to Beckett at her desk. "Hey, Castle, your wish came true. She's on her way now."

Castle jumped up from his seat next to Beckett, pausing whatever attempt he was pulling to get Beckett to go out with him, and ran over to Esposito's desk. Esposito watched from the corner of his eye as Ryan looked up from his phone. He looked disappointed.

"Her her? Your girlfriend?" Castle asked excitedly.

Esposito laughed. "Yeah, she's picking me up for lunch."

Castle plopped down in the seat next to Esposito's desk and stared at the elevator doors intently. That chair was kept there for when Ryan liked to come over and talk to him during the day. Even though their desks were across from each other, Ryan still came over where he was closer. It hadn't been used in weeks.

Esposito sat next to Castle, waiting for her to arrive. He ignored the longing looks he was getting from Ryan. It wasn't like Esposito showed up out of nowhere with a girlfriend. That was Ryan.

A half hour later, the elevator doors pinged open and four heads whipped towards it to see a woman walk into the bullpen looking around uncertainly.

Esposito stood up and walked over to her with a smile. When she saw him, her face broke out into a bright smile and she hurried forward to catch him in a hug and kiss.

Esposito kissed her cheek before escorting her over to their desks. Once they reached the desk clumps and Castle got a better look at her, his jaw dropped. He looked at Ryan and then back at her.

Esposito waited for Beckett to come over before introducing her. "Guys, this is my girlfriend, Kelly Regan."

Castle was still speechless, so Esposito motioned to Ryan in his chair. "Kelly, this is my partner Kevin Ryan."

Ryan finally stood up and extended his hand. He forced a smile and said, "It's nice to meet you."

Kelly looked Ryan over and paused before shaking his hand. "Nice to meet you, as well. Javi talks about you all the time."

Esposito should not have felt satisfied when Ryan's eye twitched when she called him 'Javi'.

Kelly smiled and turned to Castle and Beckett. "You two must be Castle and Beckett."

Beckett nodded and spoke for the both of them since Castle seemed to be stuck in a trance. "We are. It's great to finally meet you. Castle has been bugging Espo about it for the longest time."

Kelly laughed and Castle let out a small gasp. Thankfully, she didn't seem to hear him. "I know I've been asking to meet you three. Who's important to my Javi is important to me." Esposito pulled her close and kissed the top of her head.

The snap of a pencil brought everyone's attention to Ryan. He dropped the pencil halves to his desk and mumbled through his clenched teeth. "I have to check on Jenny. Have a good time." He didn't wait for any response before he was stalking over to the break room.

Esposito stared at him until he slammed the door shut behind him. He cleared his throat and turned back Kelly. "Well, we're gonna get going. See you guys later."

Kelly smiled once last time to them. "It was nice meeting you all. Maybe I'll see you soon."

Beckett nodded and smiled as her and Esposito walked back to the elevator. Once they were gone, she turned to face Castle. "Okay, Castle, what's your problem?"

Castle looked shocked. "My problem? Did you not see her?"

Beckett didn't looked amused. "Yes, I did. So?"

Castle groaned in exasperation. "C'mon, tell me that she didn't look like a certain Irish detective we know."

Beckett shook her head. "Castle, I know where you're going with this. Stop." She started walking back to her desk and Castle was on her heels.

"She had his eyes, his hair, his smile and even his laugh! That's not a coincidence, Beckett! Hell, her name is Kelly Regan. Kelly Regan, Kevin Ryan!"

"Leave him alone, Castle."

Castle ignored her. "Did you see how Ryan looked like a kicked puppy when she first came in and then when she called him her Javi, he lost it. Do you feel the sexual tension?"

Beckett sighed and ran a hand over her face. "Please, Castle, just leave it be."

"They're both so lost. Why can't they just pull their heads out of their asses and dump their girlfriends so they can be together?"

"Why can't you just let them figure all this out on their own?" Beckett shook her head.

"Because nothing will ever happen. Castle the love guru has some serious work to do." He smiled, staring at Ryan sitting at the table through the break room window.

It was cruel. Esposito knew that. But he just couldn't help himself. He wanted Ryan to know how he felt every time he mentioned Jenny.

It had been a month since he brought Kelly to the precinct and things had only gotten worse. They weren't fighting, but their relationship was definitely strained. They didn't get along like they used to; they bumped heads and bickered and there was so much silence. The worst part was, Ryan never smiled anymore.

And day after day, Esposito would come into the precinct and go on and on about all the fun he and Kelly had the night before. Ryan just sat there and listened with a pained expression on his face, though he tried tried to hide it.

"She tried to make me a cake, man, but you should have seen the ashes in the oven." Esposito laughed as Ryan tried to fill out his papers. "And her present, mmm."

Ryan didn't even look up. "Didn't know you were celebrating. You told me you were busy."

"Well, yeah, Kelly wanted to have a date night." Esposito shrugged. "If you want, we can go out maybe this weekend and celebrate."

Ryan looked up with narrowed eyes. "I can't. You know April, my niece, has a dance recital. I bought you a ticket and you said you were going, but you probably have plans." Ryan snapped before going back to his work.

"Why don't you just take Jenny?"

Ryan shoved his chair backwards and stood up. "Because April wants to see you. But, you know what, just forget it. I don't know why she's so excited to see a dick like you!" He growled before storming off.

Once Ryan was gone, Esposito let his head fall to the desk with a hard thump. He didn't move when he heard a voice behind him.

"You're such an idiot. I hope you know that."

"Thanks, Castle."

He heard the writer sigh. "First you bring in a girl that looks exactly like Ryan and if you were looking to get him jealous you had him right there. But then you had to drag it on. Don't you see how miserable he is? You used to make him smile and laugh. What happened?"

"Listen, Castle, I appreciate your concern for my partner, but we've got this. We'll figure something out," Esposito grumbled.

"I really don't think you've got this. Because the other night I got a call from my bartender at the Old Haunt. Ryan just about drank himself into unconsciousness and when I went to pick him up all he said was how you hated him."

"I don't hate him...that's my problem."

Castle tapped his knuckles hard on the desk. "Then fix this."

"What's wrong, Javi? You feel so tense." Kelly said as they laid in bed that night next to each other.

"Nothing. Just some stuff at work."

Kelly grinned, massaging his shoulder. "I think I know what will help you loosen up."

Esposito leaned into her hands as she worked out the kinks in his back. "Hmm?" He hummed, closing his eyes to relax. They popped back open when he felt her straddling him and her hot lips were on his.

He groaned and looked into her blue eyes just before his eyes fluttered shut. Without permission, his mind immediately went to Kevin. How perfect his partner was with those big blue eyes and his smile and his laugh and just about everything about him.

And suddenly, the woman was on top of him was no longer Kelly. It was Kevin. Esposito moaned into the kiss and wrapped his arms around 'Ryan's' waist, he pulled him closer and ran one hand through his hair and one squeezed his ass. Esposito ignored the longer hair and the boobs and the absence of something hard pressing into his thigh. He was too intoxicated by the thought of holding and kissing Ryan like this to even care.

"God, Kevin, want you so much," he muttered.

Then the lips on his were gone. He blinked a few times and looked over to see a fuming Kelly. "Wha-?"

"Did you just say Kevin? As in your partner?" She was red in the face and screaming at him. "I can't believe you. This whole time I was just a replacement for your partner."

Oh, shit. He just said Kevin's name in bed. "Kel, I didn't-"

She jumped off the bed with a death glare. "I don't want to hear your bullshit. I should have known the moment that I walked in and saw him. He could be my fucking twin, you asshole!"

"Kelly, I'm sorry-"

"Goodbye, Javier. Go run to Kevin." She grabbed her shoes, stormed out the room, but stopped in his doorway. "And then you both can go straight to hell!" She yelled before continuing down the hall and Esposito could feel the apartment shake when she slammed the door to leave.

Esposito sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He was such such a fucking idiot. He couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't stand to know that Ryan was probably miserable at his house right now because of him and Jenny was the one there to cheer him up.

He got off the bed and quickly got dressed. If he hurried, he could get to Ryan's building in under 10 minutes.

He skipped the taxi and jogged the two blocks to Ryan's apartment. He ran through the door and barely waved to the doorman before he was bounding up the steps.

He reached Ryan's floor and ran straight to his apartment. He didn't hesitate before pounding on his door. He didn't say a word, afraid if Ryan knew it was him he wouldn't answer.

The door swung open and on the other side was a very peeved looking Ryan. He looked even angrier when he saw saw it was Esposito. He tried to slam the door shut again, but Esposito caught it with his foot and pushed it back open. He shoved past Ryan into his apartment. "Are you alone? I have to talk to you."

"I don't care. Get out." Ryan crossed his arms over his chest.

"Just, please, listen," Esposito begged. He wasn't going to lose him.

"No, you listen, Esposito." Ryan jabbed his finger in Esposito's chest. "For a month you've been throwing me to the side like garbage and I'm tired of it."

"I'm sorry, Kevin. I was wrong, I know that. But I just, I just…" Esposito sighed.

"You just what? Wanted to hurt me?"

"No!" Esposito said quickly. "I only wanted to make you... jealous. I was so upset when you brought in Jenny and I found Kelly and I thought maybe you'd…"

"That I'd just dump Jenny to come running to you?"

Esposito cringed; hearing it out loud made him seem like an asshole.

"Well, I would have," Ryan admitted, still angry. "But then you had to keep bringing her up. And how perfect Kelly was!"

Esposito groaned. "Didn't you see that Kelly was you? The whole time, I only imagined her as you! I picked her up because she looked like you and she acted like you. I thought that was the closest I was ever going to get since you had Jenny!"

Ryan laughed bitterly. "Sure, blame this back on me. You're the one that left me to dry after Kelly came along!"

"I didn't leave you! You were always with Jenny!" Esposito screamed right back.

"Jenny left me a month ago!" Ryan yelled and that silenced Esposito. "Jenny left me and so did you." He took a deep breath before continuing. "I sat here Monday night waiting for you on your birthday. But you were too busy with Kelly to even call and tell me you couldn't make it."

"Kevin," Esposito said softly, "I had no idea."

"Of course you didn't." Ryan was as loud as ever. "You know what? Take your fucking cake and present! I don't want them!" He stormed into the kitchen and just as Esposito was about to follow him in, Ryan came back out with a cake in his hands. Ryan threw it to Esposito and he quickly ducked so the cake exploded against the wall.

"Kevin, what the hell," Esposito yelled when he turned around to see chocolate cake and icing smeared on the wall and floor. It was Esposito's favorite.

"And take your dumb cooking pot." When Esposito turned back to Ryan, he saw him lifting a wrapped box over his head. "We won't need it since you don't have the time to hang out anymore!"

Just as Ryan was about to chuck it, Esposito ran over and grabbed Ryan's wrists. He looked into Ryan's now tear filled eyes and said slowly, "I'm sorry, Kevin. I was an idiot and I should have never hurt you like that."

"You don't care. Leave me alone." Ryan tried to pull his wrists out of Esposito's hold.

"I do care, Kevin," Esposito whispered. "More than you know. And I know I don't deserve for you to forgive me, but I want you to know that I was wrong and if I could take it all back I would. In a heartbeat."

"You mean that?" Ryan asked quietly. The tears pooling in the corners of his eyes were breaking Esposito's heart.

"Of course I do."

Ryan stared at him for a moment before he lowered his hands and put the box on the floor. The moment he was standing up again, he wrapped his arms around Esposito. "I missed you so much."

Esposito felt his heart stutter; he didn't think Ryan was going to ever forgive him. "I missed you more."

Ryan pulled away from Esposito, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "Are you still with Kelly?"

"Just broke things off before I came here."

Ryan's eyes brightened and finally, finally that beautiful smile was back. "Good." He grinned and pulled Esposito's cheeks down for a kiss.

Later that night or technically early that morning, Ryan and Esposito were curled up in each other's arms lying in bed. The room was quiet and Esposito was rubbing soothing circles on Ryan's bare back.

"Why did we have to get here the hard way?" Ryan whispered.

"Because I never thought I'd be lucky enough to have you." Esposito smiled at Ryan's soft laugh. "That and we're both idiots."

"I'm glad you're finally back. I really did miss you." Ryan hummed softly.

"Kevin, I'm sorry for what I did on my birthday. I never should have left you alone. Every birthday we spend together and that's a tradition I should have never broken." Esposito sighed.

"It's okay," Ryan said, though he didn't sound like he was okay about it. "We can celebrate tomorrow. I'll have to make another cake, but you can still open your present."

"My cooking pot?" Esposito grinned.

"You were always complaining about how you didn't have the right pot to cook with whenever you tried making dinner for us and that's why you couldn't get the recipes perfect. So I thought the next time you cooked, we could try out the new pot." Ryan turned his head to look up at Esposito, his chin resting on Esposito's chest.

"I can't wait to try it out." Esposito kissed his nose.

Ryan smiled at the kiss and then asked, "What happened with you and Kelly? You guys seemed...happy."

Esposito did not want Ryan to know what happened so he kept the attention off himself. "I could say the same about you and Jenny."

Ryan smiled softly. "She got a job offer in California. I couldn't leave. You're in New York and that's when she knew. She wished us luck." Esposito stayed silent. "What about you and Kelly?"

Esposito chuckled nervously. "It's nothing. Really."

Of course, it wouldn't be that easy. Ryan turned on his stomach to study Esposito carefully. "You're not a very good liar."

"Kevin, c'mon-,"

"Tell me, Javi," Ryan said with those stupid big puppy dog eyes.

Esposito bit his lip, trying so hard not to give in. But he couldn't say no to Ryan. "Fine. But before I tell you, you have to know it was late and I was thinking about when she started to kiss me and I didn't know I said your name until after."

Ryan just stared at him and for a moment, Esposito thought he was horrified. It was kinda weird to hear that your partner thought about you while in bed with his girlfriend.

But then he laughed.

"Kevin, stop it. It's not funny." He tried to keep a straight face, but Kevin's smile was hard to ignore.

"I can't believe you actually...Castle told me that you were just confused and soon you'd figure it out." Ryan smirked. "I just never thought you'd figure it out post coital glow with your girlfriend."

"Kevin, I'm being serious." Esposito warned, but he was still smiling.

"So am I." Ryan kissed Esposito's lips softly. "I'm serious about this. I'm serious about you. I'm serious about us."

Esposito held Ryan closer, if that was even possible. "Kev…"

"I want you, Javi, you and only you. For the rest of my life."

"What happens…" Javier swallowed thickly and continued, "What happens when you do want this anymore? When you realize you deserve more than I can give you."

Kevin smiled, sadly almost, that Javier would ever think that. "That's not going to happen, Javi. Because everything I will ever need is right here holding me in his arms."

Javier's eyes widened. "You mean that, corazon?"

Kevin nodded and leaned back down into Javier's chest to place a kiss to his chin and snuggle deep in his arms. He was content to spend the rest of the night lying here and listen to the sound of Javier's beating heart.

Javier kissed Kevin's head softly and whispered, "And I'll never let go."

[detective-rysposito-blog]

acciobamon asked: 43, “You did what?!”

"Javi, come down. What’s wrong?” Kevin asks in concern watching Javier sort through all the papers on his desk. His organized ‘system’ is ruined. 

“It was right here.” Javier stands straight and runs a worried hand through his hair. “If I don’t find this, we’re dead. Especially if Castle finds it.”

Kevin’s eyebrows furrow. “What are you looking for?”

Javier motions with his hands wildly. “A tape, Kev. It was on my desk before lunch. Fuck.” He cursed, but quiet enough that he wouldn’t gain outside attention.

“What’s  got you so worried? If it’s a tape for the case, tech probably has another copy.” Kevin says, turning around to go back to his own work.

“No. Kevin.” Javier says in a voice that scares Kevin so he turns back to his partner. “The tape isn’t for the case.” 

Kevin steps closer, he’s now only a few inches from Javier. “Then what is it?”

Javier mumbles something under his breath and Kevin isn’t sure if he understands correctly. “Repeat that, please. Louder.”

Javier takes a deep breath and Kevin can already see the blush beneath his usual dark complexion. “You remember last weekend?”

Kevin chuckles slightly. How could he forget? They barely left the bedroom. “Of course,”

“Yeah, well, I may have brought a video camera in the bedroom and...” He talks into his hand, but Kevin can hear him clearly.

“Yeah?” That didn’t surprise Kevin; they’d talked about it before. He’s actually looking forward to watching it. Wait. His eyes shoot to his partners his smile gone once he realizes why his partner is so distraught. “Tell me you didn’t, Javi.”

“I wanted to burn it to a DVD.” He explains, looking around the precinct to look for anybody that could have possibly taken it. “And we don’t have the means to do that at home, so I brought in the tape to the precinct.”

“You did what?!” Kevin’s says in a harsh whisper.

“We’ll find it, Kevin. Maybe Beckett or Castle took it thinking it was evidence.” He checks his watch. “We were only at lunch for an hour. Maybe they didn’t get a chance to watch it yet.”

“I can’t believe this is happening.” Kevin mumbles as both of them walk to find Castle and Beckett.

They spend the whole day looking for the tape. They’re jumpy and every time someone starts a conversation, they expect the worst until they know for sure it’s work related. 

They’re packing up for the night, but Kevin and Javier are still nervous since they still don’t know who has the damn tape.

“We’ll figure something out. Maybe you dropped it in the ca or left it home.” Kevin says knowing that it is unlikely, but he’s trying to get Javier’s along with his hopes up.

Javier talks his boyfriend’s hand as they go to leave. “Yeah, hopefully--”

“Boys, wait!” Beckett’s voice stops them dead in their tracks. 

Simultaneously, they spin around to face her. She has a smirk on her face with raised eyebrows. Kevin swallows thickly as she extends her arm and sees the tape in her hand.

Kevin can feel the burn in his cheeks and curses his light Irish skin for making it so noticeable. “What you got there, Beckett?”

“You tell me...corazon.” She wiggles her eyebrows with a growing smile.

“Oh my God,” Kevin hides his face in his hands. Esposito grabs the tape and pulls his arm back like he’s burned. 

“Beckett, you weren’t supposed to--”

Beckett laughs. “Don’t get your panties in a twist, Ryan.” 

That makes Kevin remember to thank his lucky stars that his actual panties were being washed last weekend or that’d be another thing to add to Beckett’s list of things she should never know about her partners.

She shrugs her shoulder. “You guys just won me 50 bucks.”

Kevin and Javier exchange a confused glance. “What?”

“Castle thought Ryan topped with Espo being so whipped, but you shoulda seen his face when he found out he was wrong.”

“Castle watched it, too?” Ryan wants to go bury himself in a hole and never come out.

“Who do you think gave me the tape?” She smiles and turns around to walk back to where Castle is waiting at her desk. He won’t stop winking and making suggestive looks at Kevin and Javier. “See you tomorrow, boys.”

With the tape now held securely in Javier’s arms, the two made their way out of the precinct. Inside the elevator, Kevin turns to Javier and asks. “Did you at least get the DVD?” At least something could brighten their night. 

Javier smiles and pats his jacket pocket. “Right here. But next time, I think it’ll be easier to just invest in a VHS player.”

Kevin laughs and plants a chaste kiss to the corner of his boyfriend’s mouth. “There’s gonna be a next time, huh?”

“You bet your freckles there’s gonna be a next time.” Javier grins and kisses Kevin’s lips.

[detective-rysposito-blog]

here’s a quick little ficlet that i wrote to celebrate 606 followers and my 16th birthday

Javier swears that their bed is in an oven right now. Outside it’s a blistering 93 degrees and even with their air conditioning on full blast, it feels just as sweltering inside.

But even though Javier is two minutes away from a heat stroke, he doesn’t dare move Kevin from his side.

His boyfriend’s head is laying against his chest as he snores silently. Javier knows that Kevin was hot because an hour ago, after their cold water shower, he didn’t even try to have sex before passing out in Javier’s arms.

New York summers are hot, for sure, but it doesn’t usually hit this high for this long (currently the sixth day of this heat). Kevin usually walks around the apartment stark naked on summer days, making this Javier’s favorite time of the year. Except when the heat drains all the energy from him and he sleeps through valuable time they could be using to actually cause reason to break into a sweat.

Their blankets are tossed off the bed, and Kevin is filling in for the lost layer. He’s lying in the crook of Javier’s arm; his head on his chest, one arm wrapped around his waist and his leg slotted between his thighs.

Javier can feel their skin sticking together from their shared sweat, but he can’t find it in himself to pry Kevin from his side. If he moves him he won’t be able to feel the rise and fall of his chest with each breath, or smell that fresh cotton with a hint of honey scent that Javier can only describe as ‘Kevin’, or hear his muffled snores. He wouldn’t be able to trace the freckles that were scattered across his shoulders and back.

There are some on his nose and cheeks, since the sun gave him a decent sunburn in the beginning of the week. Kevin always gets flustered when Javier mentions them, but if anything, that just makes him find them all that more adorable.

Javier spends the next hour connecting the freckles to spell his name on Kevin’s back in a dozen different places. That’s how Javier knows that him and Kevin are made for each other. Why else would his name be drawn in Kevin’s back?

“God, Kevin.” He mumbles through a soft kiss to the top of his head. He doesn’t move his lips before whispering, “I love you so much.”

Kevin’s head suddenly turns and those big, blue eyes are looking up at him with a soft smile. “Love you, too, Javi.”

Javier blushes, “How long have you been up?”

Kevin turns in Javier’s grip, and they ignore the gross sound of their sweaty skin unsticking. “Long enough to know there are hundred of different ways to write Javier with my freckles.”

“How many more times do you think I can find it on your tush?” Javier grins, sneaking his hands down his boyfriend’s back to hold his ass in his hands.

“Forget about my freckles or else I’ll take back my ‘love you’.” Kevin pouts, using one hand to blindly swat away Javier’s hand from his behind.

“No you won’t.” Javier whispers, placing a kiss to his cheek.

Kevin sighs with a small smile, “No,” He confirms. “I really can’t.”

[detective-rysposito-blog]

coda to the final because it had to be done. it’s gen tho, please forgive me.  “Happy anniversary, partner.”

“May 11, 2005.”

Esposito picked his head up to look at the new guy. He was his new partner, but Esposito didn’t understand how the Captain could give him this bright eyed kid to him as a partner. Espo didn’t doubt that one shove from a perp and he would be down for the chase. Cap claimed he was a transfer from Narco, but Esposito didn’t buy it.

“Excuse me?” Esposito said taking a seat at his desk across from Ryan.

“May 11, 2005.” He repeated with a smile.

Why the hell was he smiling? They just had to chase some scumbag for 3 blocks before Esposito was finally able to tackle him to the ground. Sure it was an easy, solved in under 24 hours, kind of case, but it was too early for the smiling.

“I heard you the first time. What’s so important about today’s date?”

Ryan’s smile faltered making Espo feel just a bit guilty about being so rude to him. The whole day he’s been curt and snippy with him. “It’s our first day as partners and solving a case together.” He informed him.

Esposito flicked his eyes up at him, who was staring at him with that damn smile again. “What? You want a certificate, Sherlock?”

Ryan’s nose scrunched up along with his eyebrows, “No...just so we know in the future. 10 years from now, we can say it’s our anniversary. You know?”

Esposito didn’t expect to still be working with this kid 10 years from now, let alone start planning anniversaries. “Awesome,” He said flatly, “Remind me 10 years from today and we’ll go get a beer. Maybe on our 20th, we’ll even go for pizza at Chuck E. Cheese.”

God, he was just being cruel, but someone should have told him that he just lost a partner he was close to. He wasn’t looking to replace him now or anytime soon.

Ryan kept his mouth shut after that. His smile transformed into a tight frown and he looked down to his paperwork. Esposito sighed and turned back to his own work. They worked in silence for the next half hour; it was much different from the start of the day when Ryan was talking nonstop about everything from New York traffic to last night’s Yankee game.

A few minutes before their shift ended, Beckett approached the two. “We’re finished here today, you two can head home…” She trailed off looking over at Ryan and probably noticed how defeated he looked, “You feeling okay, Ryan?”

Ryan was already packing up his things, “I’m fine. See you guys tomorrow.” He looked over at Esposito, but didn’t make eye contact, unlike before. “Good work today, Esposito.”

Espo felt Beckett’s eyes on him, but he couldn’t find it in himself to talk with Ryan and have an actual conversation with him after he treated him like crap the whole day.

The moment Ryan turned to the elevator, Beckett narrowed her eyes at Esposito, “Day one and and he already wants to leave.”

“Only took up to a half hour ago.” Esposito muttered, regretfully.

Beckett’s face fell, “Don’t turn him away. I know it’s hard for you, but I really think he’ll be good for you. I heard he went through a lot in Narco and you went through a lot as well.”

Esposito stood up from his desk with a sigh and went to turn to the elevator where he saw Ryan had yet to enter. He turned back towards Beckett, “I’m not apologizing because you wanted me to, I’m apologizing because I was an ass.”

“Just go, Esposito.” Beckett shoved him softly towards the elevator to give him a start on his short run.

He stepped through the doors just in time causing Ryan to look at him in surprise. Esposito smiled weakly, “Instead of waiting 10 years, why don’t we get those beers now?”

That wide smile immediately returned to his face, “Sounds good to me, partner.”

Looking back at that day, Esposito can’t help but smile. He’s glad that he gave Kevin a chance that night. Besides for the part when Kevin was carded and he wasn't (C’mon, he’s no more than 3 years older than Kevin; he couldn’t have looked that much older), Esposito still believes it was of the best days of his life.

Because that was the night he got to know his partner, Kevin Ryan. And 10 years later they’re still growing closer-- if that’s even possible.

Esposito watches as Kevin finally gets Sarah Grace back from Gates. The one and a half year old girl was passed around to friends who all took turns to oogle over how adorable she is.

An hour ago, the team had returned to the precinct ready to dive into another murder, but the moment Esposito and Kevin walked through the door everyone jumped out and yelled, “Surprise!”

Apparently, the party was Castle’s idea of celebrating the ‘10 years of Rysposito partnership’ and he got everyone else in on it.

Esposito catched Kevin’s eye when he turns back around. His smile brightens and even Sarah Grace gurgles in his arms, “Unca’ Javi!”

Kevin walks over to their desk clump where Esposito’s sitting and takes a seat next to him, “Fancy seeing you here.”

Esposito shrugs his shoulders, “It is my party, afterall.”

Kevin raises his eyebrows, “It happens to be my party, too.”

Esposito smiles and looks around the bullpen, “Must be something important, seeing as so many people showed up.”

“Has something to do with an anniversary.” Kevin plays along with Esposito’s ignorance.

Esposito points over to the sign hanging above the break room door that reads, ‘Happy 10th Anniversary!’. “So I’ve heard.”

Sarah interrupts their conversation with a confused stare, “You two!”

Kevin and Esposito both turn to Sarah Grace before turning back to each other with matching smiles. Esposito is the first to say it, “Happy anniversary, Kev.”

Kevin’s cheeks flush as he pulls an envelope from his pocket, “Happy anniversary, Javi.”

Esposito takes the card with a small smile, “You didn’t have to, bro.”

Kevin shrugs his shoulders, “I wanted to.”

Esposito feels his smile only deepen as he opens up the envelope. He pulls the card out and reads the elegant script aloud, “10 years together…” He notices that it’s obviously a card meant for a couple, most likely married, but it’s hard to find a platonic card for a 10th anniversary, so he won’t tease his partner too much.

He opens the card and his soft smile turns into one that reaches his eyes as he stifles a chuckle and continues to read the inside of the card, “And here’s to a million more, Javi.” Everything was already printed on the card besides for ‘Javi’ which Kevin had written under the word ‘sweetheart’ he had crossed out. “Cute, bro. I’m going to treasure this in my heart forever.”

Kevin rolls his eyes and grumbles, “Shut up. That was the least romantic card in the store, if you’ll believe me.”

Esposito ignores him and continues on to read Kevin’s added, personal message at the bottom of the card in his head, Thanks for being such a great partner. Together ‘til the wheels fall off. Love, Kevin.

Esposito can’t help the smile that comes again and if there’s tears in his eyes, hell, he’s blaming allergies. He holds the car firmly, but with delicate care in his hand and clears his throat, “I actually have something for you, too.”

Kevin smiles, straightening in his seat as he watches Espo lean behind his desk and pull out two bottles of beer. He shrugs his shoulders and offers one to Kevin, “10 years ago today, I think I promised you a beer. Whaddya say, Kev?”

Kevin fixes his hold on Sarah Grace so he can take the beer from Javier’s outstretched hand. “You had me at, ‘Happy anniversary, partner.’”

[detective-rysposito-blog]

Blue

When Javier was 10, his life revolved around a tiny blue racecar. As his parents continued to yell and scream and one another, he’d hide in his closet with his racecar and drown out the noise with the car’s ‘tiny engine’.

By the time he was 15, Javier didn’t have to worry about the fighting anymore. His parents were divorced and silence consumed the house he now shared with his mother. He loved his mother to death, but there were times when he really missed his father. Every son looks up for their dad, right? But buttoning up that blue jersey every day after school always raised his hopes. Because every weekend, out in the crowd was his father waiting to watch his son hit the winning run.

Javier’s mother died when he was 25. He didn’t know how to heal the pain, so he escaped it. Javier went to the nearest recruiter and 8 weeks later, he was shipped off to help the United States military overseas. Unfortunately, when he returned home from his tours the pain followed and not only did the memories of his mother hit him full force, so did his nightmares. He escaped that pain by joining New Yorks’ finest, boys in blue.

Over time and with the help of his partner, his PTSD faded, but his pain didn’t. Ecspecially after he lost his partner, Ike Thorton. Javier was a lost soul wandering New York, until he found a new shade of blue to hold on to. The deepest, brightest, most beautiful shade of blue he’s ever seen. now Javier no longer feels lost. He feels at home every morning when he wakes up to those baby blue eyes.  

Send me a word and I’ll write a short Rysposito drabble

[detective-rysposito-blog]

Rysposito High School AU. Kevin finally gets the courage to send his crush (who also happens to be his best friend) a valentine. Things don't go as smoothly as he'd hoped...btw happy valentine's day~

Ah, Valentine’s Day. The love, the chocolate, and the roses fill the air creating either an exhilarating day of the year where you and your significant other spend the day giving each other hugs and kisses and love. Or you could be like Kevin Ryan, and spend the whole day nearly having a panic attack because you decided to give your best friend a damn rose expressing your love courtesy of one of Robert Frost’s poems. Signed anonymously, of course; he wasn’t a complete idiot.

Currently, Kevin’s heart rate was shooting through the roof because it was their lunch period. He scheduled his rose to be delivered to Javier the period before so he can hear his thoughts during lunch (if it was stupid, he’d claim ignorance) and Kevin and Javier didn’t share the same period prior to lunch. Therefore, he avoided that awkward moment when Javier first received it because Kevin knew that Javi would look at Kevin like, ‘Woah, bro, didn’t expect this.’ and Kevin wouldn’t be able to stop his face from burning red.

He was sitting at the table with Kate as they waited for both Javier and Rick to join them. Kate took a sip of her soda as she watched Kevin with a careful eye; he kept turning around to stare at the lunchroom doorway. She laughed and rolled her eyes, “I’ll be sure to tell you when Romeo comes in, Juliet. Don’t worry.”

Kevin grumbled under his breath complaining ‘why Javier was the boy in the relationship?’, but his face still heated up. “I’m such an idiot, Kate. I bought him a rose, a fucking red rose. What kind of friend does that?” He was really starting to regret his decision.

Kate huffed, “The kind that has spent the past three years trying just about every other way to get his attention.”

“Yeah, well, maybe it’s just not meant to be.” Kevin sighed, putting down his sandwich now that his appetite was ruined.

“You’re such a damn drama queen, Kevin Ryan.” Kate returned her soda can to the table with a little more force than needed. “You didn’t come to me for help if you didn’t think it’s not ‘meant to be’.”

Kevin sighed, she was right; he confined in her at the beginning of the month that he was desperate to make Javier see how crazy he was for him. After a minute or so of Kate saying, “I knew it!”, she finally calmed and agreed to help. The rose idea was all Kevin’s, but Kate helped pick which poem he wanted to quote on the card.

“I know, Kate, but what if he laughs or--” Kevin’s panicking was interrupted by none other than Richard Castle falling into the seat next to Kate.

“Ohh, is this gossip I hear?” He leaned in closer to the center of the table looking expectantly between Kevin and Kate. “Who is going to laugh about what?”

“None of your business, Rick.” Kate said simply as she casually took a sip of her soda and Rick dropped a kiss to her cheek softly.

“If you say so, baby, but just remember: secrets are going to cost you extra.” Rick wiggled his eyebrows with a smirk.

Kevin watched the couple exchange a “Happy Valentine’s Day” and felt the bitterness boil inside of him. “Well at least you two are happy.” Kevin grumbled more to himself, but Kate and Rick still heard.

Rick gave an amused snort, “Who pissed in your Lucky Charms?”

Kevin opened his mouth, but closed it right after he felt someone sit next him. Not just anyone, the same boy that sat there every day, Javier Esposito. Peeking an eye over at him, his heart swelled when he saw his rose carefully placed on top of his books with the note not too far.

Rick noticed it as well. “Why Javier Esposito, is that a rose?” He asked with a quirked eyebrow and smile.

Javier held the rose delicately in his hands, “You bet, man. Got it last period.”

Kate gave Kevin a small wink before playing along with knowing nothing about the rose, “Who’s it from? What’s it say?”

Javier shared a glance with each of his friends before clearing his throat and reading strongly from the note, “The roadside flowers, too wet for the bee, expend their bloom in vain. Come over the hills and far with me, and be my love in the rain.”

Kevin could practically feel the tips of his ears burning scarlet red, but kept his head down. Hearing Javier recite the small portion of the poem made Kevin’s stomach do a million little flips and his heart flutter.

Kate clasped her hands together, “That is so sweet. Javi’s got a little crush.”

Rick nudged Javier with his foot and repeated, “So, who do you think sent it?”

Javier twirled the rose in his hand with a shrug of her shoulders. Kate smiled at Kevin and kicked his shin mouthing the words, ‘Tell him!’. Kevin bit his lip nervously, but with a sideways glance at Javier showed that he was infatuated with the fragile rose he knew it was the perfect opportunity.

Kate nodded encouragingly when Kevin opened his mouth to speak...only to be interrupted by Javier, “My bet is on Lanie.”

Rick and Javier seemed to be oblivious to Kevin and Kate’s silent side conversation as they continued. “Oohh, really?” Came Rick using his melodramatic scandalized tone.

“Yeah, she’s the only chica that would ever give me the time of day in this place.” Javier put the rose back down. “Though, I never thought she’d be a Frost girl?”

Rick’s eyebrows scrunched in confusion “Frost?”

“Yeah, Robert Frost. The note was a part of one of his poems.” Javier explained picking the note up again to read it with a smile.

Then it finally dawned on Rick, “Robert Frost?” His eyebrows shot up and disappeared into his hair. How had he not seen it earlier? More importantly, how had Javier not seen it? Javier recognized the poet because Kevin loved Frost; he was usually carrying around his little book of Frost poems. “Oh my gosh…” Rick breathed finally looking at Kevin.

Meanwhile, Kevin hadn’t even noticed. He was too busy trying to blink back tears because he wasn’t going to cry, damn it. Of course Javi would think it was Lanie, why on earth would he even assume it was Kevin. Having a crush on your straight best friend was ridiculous.

It was stupid to even think that Javier wanted anything more than friendship.

“Kevin…” Kate whispered softly and leaned forward to place a hand on his arm.

He turned his gaze upwards, his vision blurry from tears, but he was able to see that his three friends were looking directly at him. He jerked his arm back close to his chest just before Kate’s fingertips reached.

“Kev, you okay?” Javier asked, his voice laced with concern.

Kevin ignored the question and shot up from his seat, “Excuse me.” And with that he ran out of the lunchroom.

Once he was gone, Javier turned to the other two and wondered, “What’s wrong with Kevin?”

Kate tore her eyes away from where Kevin disappeared and gave him her scariest glare she could muster. “You’re such an idiot.”

Javier slammed his bedroom door shut with a huff. Ever since lunchtime, Kevin had given him the silent treatment. Javier could understand if he did something to annoy his best friend, but he was in the dark about this.

Kevin was never one to get angry, especially at Javier.

He placed the stupid rose on his dresser and stared threateningly at it; it seemed to be what caused Kevin’s episode. Maybe because he hadn’t received one? But that was impossible, Kevin never got jealous at something Javier had; he was always more than supportive.

So what was so different this time?

Kevin didn’t even answer any of his calls, he noticed as he tossed his phone on his desk next to a small black book. Javier didn’t recognize it for a split second before he realized it was the book Kevin carried around with him often, his book of poems. He must have left it in his room when they were studying last night.

Well, he’s not getting his damn book back until he tells me what the hell is wrong, Javier thought spitefully as he plucked the book up. He noticed many pages were bookmarked with post its and highlighted and the margins were thoroughly written on.

But, the only pages that were marked with the bright pink post its were Frost’s love poems. Robert Frost must be the popular poet, Javier assumed since both Kevin and his secret admirer favored his work.

Javier was absently flipping through the pages of the book, when a certain page caught his eye; it had two pink post its and a section of the first stanza was circled even though it was already neatly highlighted in yellow. Scribbled in Kevin’s distinguishable handwriting on the margin, amongst annotations of what Kevin believed to be the speaker’s true meaning was the word, PERFECT!!

Javier felt like his heart was about to beat out of his chest as he read the highlighted lines out loud in a broken whisper, “The roadside flowers, too wet for the bee…” He swallowed thickly and didn’t want to continue reading, but couldn’t seem to stop, “Expend their bloom in vain. Come over the hills and far with me…” Javier almost didn’t want to finish reading because now he knew and damn, he fucked up.

He swallowed thickly; his throat filled with regret and pain, but finished the last of the highlighted lines anyway, “And be my love in the rain.”

He fell to his bed with Kevin’s book gripped tightly to his chest wishing he hadn’t mentioned anything about Lanie because Kevin was the one that sent him the rose. His very male best friend.

But, Javier had no problem with that. The only problem that he had with this situation was the fact that he had gone on and on about how it had to be Lanie that sent him the rose because who else would?

Why had he been so blind? Why couldn’t he have seen that his best friend had more than a crush on him, dare he say actually love him? And why couldn’t Javier realize he felt the same before it was too late? Kevin probably hated his guts and that’s why he left the cafeteria so upset earlier in the day.

“Idiot. Idiot Idiot!” Javier muttered as he smacked his forehead with the small book.

Javier knew he needed to fix his disaster. He didn’t want to lose his best friend over this -- especially because he felt the same way about him. And if that meant falling down on his knees and begging for Kevin’s forgiveness then so be it. He would do anything to get him back.

Kevin avoided Javier for the rest of the day, even when he knew his friend was genuinely concerned about him. He didn’t want to speak or even see him because he knew if he did, he would either A) get upset all over again or B) get angry at Javier. Neither which were good because it wasn’t really his fault that he thought the rose was from Lanie.

Kevin loved Javier. Javier apparently didn’t love him...well not that way.

“I’m so stupid.” Kevin said in a broken whisper as a tear fell down his cheek. He was sitting on the fire escape just outside his bedroom with his legs dangling freely between the metal bars. “Because you couldn’t control yourself, you lost best fucking friend. Great job.” Kevin continued to berate himself.

“Years of friendship thrown away in the matter of a day. You’re a real piece of work, Kevin Ryan.” Kevin muttered angrily smacking his forehead against the metal rails.

“Not how I see it.” A sudden voice made him jump.

Kevin snapped his head to the familiar voice that was tucked next to him between the rails as well. “Javier, how--”

Javier shrugged his shoulders, ignoring Kevin’s gaze by looking down at the city streets. “Your mom let me in.”

Kevin didn’t say a word and turned his head away from his friend. He didn't want to see him, he just wanted to sulk by himself. Immature, but effective. Noticing that Javier wasn’t leaving on his own, Kevin sighed in annoyance. “Don’t you have a date to see? Lanie?”

Javier shook his head with scrunched eyebrows, “No, I had to tell you something.”

“On Valentines Day? You got a rose, bro, go see Lanie.” Kevin huffed and shoved him towards the open window behind them.

“That would make sense if she gave me the rose, wouldn’t it?”

Kevin immediately pulled his hand off Javier’s arm and returned his attention to Javier’s earnest eyes. “What do you--” He licked his lips, “Who do you think sent it?”

Javier ignored the question and pulled a small black book from his coat pocket, “You left your book in my room. Figured you’d be missing it.”

Kevin’s eyes drifted to the book but didn’t put much thought into it; still hoping for just the slightest chance that Javier figured it out. “Oh.”

Javier pretended not to take heed to Kevin’s escalating hope, “I read through it, hope you don’t mind. I saw a poem that reminded me of you.”

“Yeah?”

Javier nodded opening the book to skim through the pages, “Wanna hear it?”

“Yeah.” Kevin breathed waiting for Javier to start.

Javier smiled softly and cleared his throat. His reading was just as strong as he read in lunch, but this time it had much more emotion behind it, “A flower unplucked is but left to the falling, and nothing is gained by not gathering roses.” Javier closed the book shut and put it on the ground between them. “Whaddya say we gather some roses, Kevin?”

Kevin’s eyes widened and he turned to his best friend, “Javi…” He wanted to get more out, but he couldn’t form a sentence that would make any sense.

Javier didn’t mind, perhaps preferred Kevin staying quiet for once. He held eye contact as he slowly closed the distance between them until their lips were only a mere inch apart. Javier could feel Kevin’s breath rapidly puffing on his lips and without another moment of hesitation he sealed their lips together.

The kiss was soft and innocent, ending as quickly as it was started. Kevin couldn't help his smile from spreading from ear to ear. He bit his lip and extended his hand to hold Javier’s. “Javi, will you be my Valentine?”

Javier laughed softly and placed an even softer kiss on Kevin’s cheek, “From now and forever, mi amor.”

[detective-rysposito-blog]

rysposito headcanons bc why not

Who was the one to propose Javi. Even tho Kev is more of the sentimental one, Javi needed to see the look on Kevin's face as tears streamed down his cheeks when he got down on one knee with his hand in his. 

Who stressed more over wedding planning Kevin bc Javi doesn't really care as long as he marries Kev but Kevin and Beckett get really into it

Who does the cooking Javi. Javi pulls of his mom's Spanish recipes and cooks this complex meals. Of course Kev sits in the corner of the kitchen on a little stool and he'll keep Javi company as he cooks. Sometimes he even helps chop up the veggies if Javi needs more help

Who suggested kids first Kevin.

Who’s the cuddler Hands down, this is Kevin. Kevin loves to cuddle and snuggle with Javi. Any chance Kev can get he's worming his way into Javi's lap. Javi could be up head to head against Castle in Poker and suddenly Kevin is pushing himself into Javier's lap.

Who’s the big spoon/little spoon Javi is the big spoon because he loves to have Kevin wrapped up in his arms and this way Javi can easily kiss the spot of hair just behind Kevin's ear that he loves

What’s their favorite non-sexual activity Cuddling on the couch after Madden

Who kills the spiders Javier.

Who falls asleep first Kevin will fall asleep in Javier's arms and Javier will go to sleep to the soft snores from Kevin.

Who wakes up first Javier bc he's used to getting up from the army. He wakes a grumpy Kevin up with kisses, cuddles, ass pinching followed by lazy morning sex sometimes (most always)

Who does the laundry Kevin

What they’re like as parents Alexis offers to help surrogate for them bc Kevin doesn't want to adopt; he wants a baby of his own from the moment he/she is born. They wind up with a beautiful blue eyed girl and name her Presley (bc Kevin was so nervous when Alexis was close to her due date and he couldn't calm down bc he was too worried about their soon to be baby and if they were going to be good dads and if people would ever look at her different because she had two fathers and all of this other stuff. The only way that Javi could get him to calm down was holding him close in his ams and sing, It's Now or Never  softly in his ear to calm him down.) Ofc they're amazing parents, Kevin is the one that sits with her every night and reads to her and Javi's the one that teaches her how to cook. They both dress up for the tea parties, take her to dance class and watch her princess movies or play baseball, video games and how to beat the hell out of anyone that tries to hurt her. 

A song that sums them up Shameless by Bily Joel

Who gets jealous easier They both get easily jealous, but Kevin goes about it by pouting to Javi and Javier solves his problem by staking his claim any way possible to tell whoever he has to that kevin is his.

[detective-rysposito-blog]

can u do a rysposito high school au: ryan and espo are making out or something and one of their parents walk in but are supportive and not assholes about their relationship

ofc anon! Please enjoy! This isn’t anything too explcit, but it does get a little heated. Nothing bad, I don’t think..

You didn’t have to be Javier Esposito’s friend to know that he wasn’t big on school or studying or grades. You also wouldn’t need to be his friend to know that his best friend since the beginning of time basically, Kevin Ryan was into school related anything. Opposite attract, right?

So it wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone if they knew about Javier and Kevin’s study dates they had every Thursday night when Momma Esposito was at her cooking class. It was what they actually did at those “study dates” that would surprise them. Actually, they may not even surprise you either.

But it did surprise Javier. Every time. Six months worth of kissing his boyfriend and each new moan and whisper from Kevin sent shivers down his back every time.

“God, I love you so fucking much, Javi.” Kevin’s whisper turned into a pleasured moan when Javier rocked his body against Kevin’s.

Javier smiled into their kiss as Kevin’s hands continued to pull and tug at the back of his shirt. “Can’t wait, huh, baby?” Javier asked the blue eyed boy underneath him.

“Need you, Javier, I need you to touch me now.” Kevin’s head lifted up to follow Javier’s once he pulled away from his lips. Kevin tried to pull Javi back on top of him so their bodies were pressed together in a blur of passion and heat.

Javier lowered his lips back to Kevin’s to give him a quick kiss before he began to leave a trail of kisses from his swollen lips to his neck. As his lips and teeth gained Kevin’s attention, he snuck his hand into his jeans and slowly began to palm his hardening erection.

Kevin whined underneath him, falling apart from the biting and sucking on his neck and the pleasure Javier’s hand was giving him, “More, Javi. Don’t tease me, baby, faster. I can’t take it much longer.” Kevin stuck his hand inside his pants and tried to pull his underwear lower so there was no cloth between his and Javier’s skin.

When Javier felt Kevin’s impatient tugging, he stopped sucking on his neck to laugh, “You’re cute when you’re horny, Kev.”

Kevin stopped moving to look Javier in the eyes and said in a husky whisper, “I want to come for you, Javier, but I can’t do that if you don’t touch me.”

Javier felt his own dick twitch at that and was about two seconds from ripping Kevin’s clothes off his writhing body and see just how fast he could make him come. “Fuck,” He pulled his hand out and started to pull down his jeans and boxers at once.

“Javier, I brought home a pizza for you and Kevin early because Marge was sick and had to cancel…oh.”

Javier didn’t know why he didn’t hear his mother open the door or why he didn’t take his hand out of his best friend’s pants until she was standing not even three feet away from them. But once his brain seemed to get the idea that his mother was right there and giving Kevin a hand job wouldn’t be the most appropriate option, no matter how much both of them wanted it.

Javier shot up from his position on Kevin’s chest and Kevin did his best to pull up his pants without putting any more pressure on his sensitive erection that would take only two or three more stroke from Javier before he would come. He bit his swollen lip so he didn’t make a sound at the uncomfortableness.

They were both still breathing heavy, Kevin had a dark hickey on his neck from where Javier was just sucking and biting, but she continued her question like nothing was wrong, “Marge cancelled, pizza’s on the table but wash up before you eat.”

“That’s it, mom? Pizza?”

She looked offender, “What do you mean that’s it? Were you expecting a five course meal?”

“I was talking about the fact that I was sucking a hickey on my best friend’s neck with a hand in his pants no more than a minute ago and you’re talking about pizza.”

“Ohhh,” His mom nodded as if she understood but tilted her head a moment later, “You two thought this was a secret?”   

Javier could see Kevin’s mouth fall open in his peripheral vision, “Um, yes.”

Javier’s mom laughed, “Honey, a blind man could see how in love you two are.”

Javier felt his face heat up and knew no doubt that so was Kevin’s and a quick glance at him confirmed that; his cheeks were red (from either embarrassment or their previous activities— not that Javi mind because he was cute when he was flustered) and shifting uncomfortably on the couch (again Javier couldn’t tell if it was from embarrassment or getting interrupted before Javi could finish). “Mom.”

“I’m happy that you’ve found each other, really, but I will say this once and only once. If you ever dirty my couches or carpets or bedspreads—don’t give me that look, Javier, you know I’m talking about—you will spend hours on your hands and knees scrubbing it with your toothbrushes until it’s clean.” She turned away to head back to the kitchen, but turned back with a huff, “And put a damn sock on the door next time, I mean, really come on, chicos.”