#mybs.swf

[aerick-cosmic-cauldron]

i guess to grow up is to stop wanting the impossible

if that's correct, then I'll never grow up, my mom is dead, it is so unfair for her to never experience pretty things again, how could I not want that for her.

there will never be justice for my mom, because my sister and I sin's were just to be humans, and we will suffer for it as long as we're alive

but all of this grief, pain, thoughts, and BS is all inside of me "isn't all a reflection of an unknowable existence, nothing more than a puppet show"

uncertainty and lack of meaning have never hurt more than they do now. I'm desperate to find order and meaning in my life, but I don´t even know how that looks. What is the difference between "adding my own meaning to life" and "ideas of reference" or "logotherapy" or forms of psychosis, I'm scared if I do these imma step away from reality and this will lead me to let my mother die again, in another form in another circumstance, or on another person. I can't let that happen again.

ideas of reference or any meaning, or goals, or whatever I come up with to survive, I have to make sure, that includes action, the action of considering OTHER ppl's values, personal meanings, and shit... and do my best to help them live their life that way. as long as they aren't hurtful, I need to make sure that I respect other's people minds.

but how the fuck imma do these with my current ideas, ill have to make Ter Stegen highlight videos for what? because it is justice for the part of that wanted glory and could never give any of that to it. because I'll develop discipline and may create opportunities for me and others, because that man has such qualities that i admire and will never be mine but deserve to be highlighted just like any effort of any human, It'll be a nice first step to the birth of my creative phase. why is my creative phase important or meaningful? because i want the impossible, I'm immature and just want to be listened to and to be understood, and creating a video game with a story that represents my own life is my only hope of fulfilling a successful expression of my inner child voice and all of my shattered being, maybe then I can grow up and finally connect with people without any kind of barrier or distance imposed by myself.

hopefully this narrative, this logic that I just created led me to a life of fulfillment, peace, solidarity mistakes, and horrors that defy me and make me feel alive and energized, instead of feeling dead and numb all the time like my current problems

[aerick-cosmic-cauldron]

I can't stop thinking about my mom's death, we, her son and daughter, and the hospital's medical team let her die so easily. Instead of doing something I was just crying besides her with my sister... We were so useless. If we we're in each other's places my mom would've never let us die like that, she would have screamed at every medic until they move and do something. But my sister and I we just drowned in our emotions and didn't even insist the nurses to do something and save her...

My version of this story is that I let her to die, I barely tried to insist the nurses, in such a weak way. My lack of strength, ignorance and my obsession with introspection that defines me let her die...

Before I started writing this I had no idea how furious and angry I am... I can't feel that emotion properly yet...I'm so mad at myself but I'm so mad at the hospital medical team for being so useless, I'm so mad, but as always, I have no right to be. I was just as useless as them and my sister.

My sister and I mastered the art of obsessing with our ourselves to survive and to escape loneliness. My sister does it In a extroverted way, I do it the quiet way. But to me it feels like we both have been surviving shit for so long, we never learnt to love properly, to risk ourselves to give everything for the ones who love us, unconditionally.

I'm dragging my sister into this but maybe I'm wrong about her, maybe not, I can't really be sure, but me... I need to stop exploring these feelings and memories and do whatever the shit I need to do to change as much as I can. I can't be this thing that absorbs love like a black hole and gives nothing in return, I need to learn how to give something back. But first things first... I must find a way to force myself out of my mind, build a solid sense of identity and then try and love someone unconditionally...

So much work to do but If I don't, these painfully memories will end up destroying me completely... I can't let that happen no matter how fair that sounds considering what I've done... True justice needs compassion... I'll be compassionate to myself and change myself by loving me unconditionally and I'll do the same for others... I just need time and energy...

Right now I'm thinking in doing some back workouts, that will push me out of my mind and is a specific exercise, some other day I'll learn the restnof the set, is something small and specific. A perfect first step...

[aerick-cosmic-cauldron]

My mom died a few days ago, I couldn't even write how painful the sadness was... But after going crazy thinking and thinking I feel kinda numb.

My mom was fine a few days ago, I went to the hospital to see her and we talked we joked we laughed a bit. When the visit hour ended, I kissed her goodbye, we did a silly clumsy move and I ended up kissing her in her lips, I told her "goodbye, see ya tomorrow". And she just said "goodbye". The next day she was in bad shape, she was hallucinating and feeling bad, I still spent time with her. I put Bon Jovi (her all time crush) music until it started to bother her.

That same day, at almost midnight they called us and told us that my mom was dying. I was playing League of Legends, the match ended quickly, me and my sister got dressed and then went to the hospital. She was agonizing and barely could breath, we spent the whole night by her side crying and trying to tell her how much we love her. I was like telling her to try and get better and my sister was like telling her to rest and find peace. She was anguished, she barely could talk but she still said she wanted to go home, she also said "help me" in the most agonizing way possible, I talked to the nurse she said my mom was beyond help but we could talk to the doctors the next morning, we stayed there until next morning, sleeping a few short times, then we decided to go home and rest fr. We did that, we ate something and we went back to the hospital, the moment we stepped in the room my mom vital signs, started to slowly go down, she asked for help again, I talked to the nurse, she said there was no hope, that they couldn't do anything and she died an hour later.

There are a lot of guilt, shame, regret in me for not insisting more, for almost ghosting my mom these last 2 years and for being so useless in these situations. But all of that is meaningless to her, my mom is gone, none of this ugly feelings have to do anything with her. Nothing that happened after or that is going to happen will do something good for her anymore. I've been being a pessimist depressed bitch my whole life, obsesed with suicide, and still cannot fully comprehend death. She's gone, the person I loved more, I trusted more than anyone else.

Her only sin was she destroyed herself with alcohol little by little, not knowing she hurt my sister and I deeply by doing so. I barely could catch glimpses of the cause of her alcoholism, It's no mystery anyways, shame, extreme sensitivity, lots of pain and injustice. And instead of doing something for her I just entered in survival mode, fell into the comfort of deep fantasy and cut her off when she needed me the most.

My worst sin is I cannot find the strength to be a person who can be relied upon, I cannot stop being a childish, self-indulgent person, obsesed with safety and comfort. My worst sin is I refused to change for so long, that I let everyone who loved me the most die without my company. I'm like a black hole, my mom and grandmas tried to shine and give me love the best they could, and it was for nothing, it got lost somewhere inside of me and I couldn't give anything back, other than pull them closer and absorbing more and more of their light.

Since my mom is gone, and all of this is pointless for her. I might as well and try to make something good out of it for me, something she loved until the very end.

I need to remember the agonizing pain my mom was in whenever I can't find the strength to do something hard and uncomfortable. I need feel this guilt and regret of abandoning the people I love and watching them die, everytime I can't find the strength to get out of my head and prioritize others. I need to go back to this paragraph everytime I can't find the strength to transform words into actions...like rn.

I needed to write this tho, writing sincerely like this is definitely hard, these events and it's memories are the most painful experience I've ever had, just besides the ones my brain has put me through, but I know worse things will come until I fucking change for the better.

I beg to my self, go for the shit you really want, and help everyone on your way to do the same. No matter how hard it is to do both. Please at least do it for a delusional sense of justice for the people betrayed by you and your lazy, egocentrical tendencies. Please do that justice that you care so much and minimize those tendencies as much as you can.

[aerick-cosmic-cauldron]

It is confirmed, my mom is going to die. In I don't know how much time, but there's no way I can handle all of this my grandma and then my mother... I started taking fluoxetine a few weeks ago, and i feel slightly more energized but more erratic and unstable than ever. This is too much... I want to be there for my mom tho, that's the only thing I have to prioritize is to be with her and give her the best things I can... I need to make her feel calm, I need her to feel seen for the best of her, and that i'd never forget her... I also need to stop being so dumb, and pretentious thinking I can take her pain away.

Rn I'm here with my sister, outside of the hospital room where she is, waiting for the nurses to change my mom's diapers and stuff. We just had a coffee and and we are waiting for her to be ready so we can see her and be with her. Until now she's been in so much pain, she's been agonizing like she can't even breath, I hate seeing her like that. I just want peace, quiet for her, she's been so crazy in her life, so much pain and brute force herself to do things, to take care of us. I just want her to feel nice for once.

I still have hope tho, seeing her struggle makes me think she's recovering, but every medic I've stumbled with says she's terminal... In the end I just have to endure this burning uncertainty, the medics in this hospital are dumb as hell, they already told me my mom was gonna die a few weeks ago and then they told me she had a "miraculous" recovery... Ofc you incompetent bitches witness a lot of them, ignorance make every fucking thing look like a miracle to y'all xksjkhsdcjs

Now we're at home, we need to eat and take a shower and go back to the hospital. I just started fantasizing about telling my mom that she needs to get better so she can support her bestie, who lost her son, then saying that we all need that spark in her. And more importantly she needs to get better to make justice for herself, she can still draw, design and create fashion as her dreams once told her to do. The world needs whatever art is trapped inside of her, and she deserves to experience passion, drive and purpose...she deserves to live and not just survive.

(again I'm being pretentious as hell thinking any of this would help her, but it might... And I definitely need to try... I can never get rid of my selfish needs of expression, since I can't fight it I better just try to something good with it)

[aerick-cosmic-cauldron]

Again I woke up and feel the need to express myself, I really don't want to do this the only way I can do it is actually speaking through the keyboard thanks God for the gboard feature that allows you to convert audio into written words. But even so I have no idea what do I need to express. I'm having a lot of grandiose fantasies about healing people and turning evil into good, I think my body tell me that I'm hungry or that I'm lonely through this kind of fantasies, maybe it means that I need my voice to be heard, it definitely means I have a need to satisfy. It worries me how absorbing and intense these fantasies can be.

I also need to start working on the Ter Stegen video I want to make, but as I write this my brain is flooding me with ideas of stuff to do... I just got a nice idea I want to make him a video of his glory moments in Barcelona, and with against moments against Toni Kroos, and his glory moments in Mönchengladbach. 3 videos in that order. For now heavy focusing on the first one. I need to start by his participation Barcas triplets and then jump to his 2023 SuperCopa/LaLiga.

Again I'm fantasizing too much about me trying really hard to get into Ter Stegens feelings just to make sure he knows that there are people who admire him, who sees the truth of his greatness his efforts and his sweetness. And that is fact that he should never even doubt.

[aerick-cosmic-cauldron]

I need to f****** stop abandoning myself, and above all I need to f****** stop running from my problems, I haven't dealt with my grandma's death properly, I haven't dealt with My Mom's about-to-die situation properly... I'm isolating myself in my own mind again, I like to be inside my mind but I can't leave my sister alone in all this struggle.

I keep rotting in bed and I haven't even pushed myself to write these posts, which kinda help me put things in perspective... I have this weird idea that if I stop rotting in bed and go out in the world I'll lose sense of my sensitivity, of my emotions, of the intensity that characterize me. And I realized there's a hoax it's just my body trying to rest, but lying in bed like that doing nothing, is not intensity at all, I am betraying myself again by doing this, so I have to stop but I can't find the strength yet...

What I'm going to do next is: if I can't find the strength to do the things that I want to do then the minimum will be going out sitting in this chair and talk to the cell phone just like I'm enjoying right now this way at least I will be expressing myself I will be giving a voice to myself. It's not much at all but it's definitely a start.

I have to find the balance between being gentle with myself and pushing myself to do things that benefits me... I have to do a bare minimum and slowly adding more to it.

But I think I keep burning myself out I need to be careful. I'll have to decide what to do and what not. Especially regarding this Ter Stegen fan paga that I made, instead of doing highlights of every single match of him, I'll do of his debuts of his important moments, and of his best recent matches. He does inspire me a lot, but I'm going through so much right now, I just can't do it... But seeing how much hate he gets really frustrate me, it's so unjust for him...and I really like him a lot, I hate seeing him go through that.

Right now I'm in some kind of mall, a shop center, sitting in a cute brown little chair in the second floor, looking at the seaport , through a dirty window... I saw reflections of the men passing behind me, I realize Im so needed of male love, that my mind instantly started putting nice features to his shadowy faces. I gotta be careful of not doing this with Ter Stegen kskjsjsj.

But yeah, writing these posts definitely feels like cleaning my room, it's difficult but it's needed... Hopefully I keep this habit.

But now I feel so drained, so tired for doing this. Now I'm imagining discussing and debating with people. Probably I'm too cold or too sleepy but too disconnected from my body to feel it.

Idk what to do next, I think I'll eat something, maybe listen to music to inspire myself to do a Ter Stegen vs Kroos video. its gonna be late as hell, but I really want to do it... These men are cool as hell also Toni is the only bitch in real madrid's house I've ever respected so yeah really really want to do it... I'll give myself 7 days... It's the amount of time I've noticed Ii tales me to move my ass after shit happens to me. Writing this apparently count as some shit happening to me... Listening to myself can be so draining, it's a whole workout... But I'm proud of me for actually trying to get better.

[aerick-cosmic-cauldron]

I just can't process this

This last months I've been trying to deal with the deahlth of my grandma, but I don't know if I'm doing it right because every time I try to sit with my feelings I end up absorbed by fantasy and by a deep sadness that roots me into bed. And now something worse happened... my mom might be about to die. She's the only person I have ever relied on to receive physical affect and the truth is I just can't work as a human without her, I tried I really did, but the only things that moved me when she's not around are fantasy, delusions and obsessive behaviors. At least now I know that I'm still human I still have emotions and sadness and and I can cry I've cried a lot these days it was quite revealing I forgot how complicated the relationship with my mom was.

I love her but she's being tearing herself apart with alcohol since I was a little kid and now I realized that I just grew into a very egoistical being, I think I just shut her off and I distanced off her because I I'm just incapable of tolerating the minimal distress. Now I realize that this narrative identity that I'm trying to build is very important because it will give me the endurance and the tenacity to be someone who can be counted on, someone who can give support. I need to take action and take it seriously because it is important for me and above all for others for the things and the people I love so hopefully this works change my brain or something and make me move, because right now I just can't something is blocking me from getting out of this bed. Every hour I spend in this damn cell phone I feel more distanced from from everything, every time I'm in solitude I feel falling deeper and deeper into a place very far away from everything... I need energy, I need coffee or something. I literally can't move I just can't stop thinking... Idk if writing helps or not... But I need to know if I can see my mom today, she just came out of surgery, I need to go and ask if I'll be able to see it, I need her to know she wasn't a "sack" as she said, a dead weight, she was a sensitive person who needed help and instead received the worst people life can give to you... I need her to hear this, that I know she loves me, I know she gave everything for me and my sister... That I couldn't take care of her because I'm broken too... Idk if she's gonna survive these days but I need her to know this

Hopefully I'll be able to actually verbalize this...

[aerick-cosmic-cauldron]

Loss is always around the corner

my grandma just died, pneumonia and old age.

I was thinking of writing about how shitty and guilty I feel for not moving my ass to the hospital and saying goodbye to her, but instead of feeding my egocentric ass emotions, I'll I'write the most I can about her, and about what I remember of the stories she told me.

she was born in 1931, in a rural area, her mom died when she was very little and her father was the owner of a restaurant. She liked being alone but not in a sad way, she just didn't get along with ppl of her age for some reason, she said she liked to be around her grandma and to help around the house and the farm.

She once told me this horror anecdote, I can't remember quite well the details. She was busy cracking some things with a stone, helping her dad with something, in her backyard, full of cats, a few dogs, and chickens. She was doing the cracking/smashing thing, almost automatically and got distracted by a cat doing some funny shit on the roof, and without her realizing it, a poor chicken randomly decided to put his head right in the place where the cracking/smashing was happening, and well... she just exploded that poor chicken with the stone... and now that I'm remembering this story she kinda told it funnily... like I don't really remember guilt, disgust or anything... and why would she? it was just an ugly accident, and that horrible coincidence is definitely story-worthy IMO. I don't know if this is from the same incident or not, but I remember her telling me about a chicken running in zombie mode, without the head. but I'm not quite sure, I can't fully trust my memories of her memories.

a cruel anecdote but it's the earliest thing I can remember of what she told me about her childhood life... I'll edit this post and add more stories of her

[aerick-cosmic-cauldron]

Motives to be sad

I abandoned all my friends, I ghosted them... again... I chose to succumb to my own thoughts, I chose fantasy over them, and I appreciate my mind so much as if it were something special, it is almost narcissism. which leads to the next factor.

I'm becoming the worst part of my parents, i have the heartlessness, childish egoism, and emotional BS that my father did, and I have the instability, narcissism, and avoidance that my mom had.

I don't have the emotional maturity to move through my emotions, the moment one of them comes up I just shut down, fantasy takes over, or I just distract myself from it... I have no idea how to properly manage them. which leads to the next factor

I'm falling behind my plans, everything feels so big and impossible for me, and I'm tired all day. it's infuriating and frustrating to see me not accomplish my things...

My environment is crushing me my grandmother is sick and her constant need for attention is making everyone else sick too, including me; my cousin is losing his mind and acting up scarily, and my mom is gonna die of alcoholism, she is paralyzed due to Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome and she still does it.

I'm unemployed and trapped by this absence of energy, I can't provide for this house, and my phone is broken I can't really do anything without it...

but I don't feel hopeless, I'm doing the best I can, I clean the house, I'm forcing good habits in myself, and I'm not repressing emotions nor diving extremely deep into them. I'm trying to be aware of them... I'm 26 y/o and learning things I should've learned more than a decade ago... but it's better late than ever I guess... idk what to do about the immense shame I have for being such an undeveloped little creature., but it's just an emotion, it's gonna be hard but i know I'll be able to listen to it and to move through it.

[aerick-cosmic-cauldron]

the frontal lobe development

is kicking my ass so bad right now jxojsxksafjd. I'm so lost man, i have no idea how to create a lifestyle where i can satisfy my basic needs at the same time i give some room to my intense imagination, on top of that i have no way to live in a way that i can be interesting to others. of course a few things come to mind, if i live developing corny little video games, work in a part time job, work out, and educate myself in history and politics a bit more i might be able to feel a little pride about it. i can do those, if i organize it well, make a weekly itinerary, put those things i want and do them balancing between not slacking and not overworking it, i think i can make it without anti-psychotics or antidepressants. that'd be a life i can proudly experience myself...only myself. i forgot again that i have to serve society somehow. Maybe donating blood or randomly cleaning shit on the my favorite beach in this little town of mine. I'd say helping my family on stuff but i know i wouldn't do it, this shame that's eating me alive and old resentments stops me for doing so.

The main problem to live that "life", is that I'm insane. my mind is very creative when it comes to find a ways for fantasy to take over without me noticing, leaving a very erratic version of me out there, doing more dumb shit and accumulating more shame and guilt. The second problem is that i have embrace that painful feeling of loneliness until i got at least a few years of living said" life" i think if i finish some same gamedev projects, personalize a few clothes before i can develop a solid sense of identity and finally connect to others..."sublimation of ego through art" as my pretentious ass likes to call it. if it works I'll be able to: connect with people, , stop being perfectionist, experience reject and handling it correctly, maybe develop a sense of belonging within a group without feeling like I'm drowning and stop fucking ghosting people lord Jesus.

IF it works, maybe the mind doesn't work like that... I'll tell this to the therapist in a few days let's see her feedback.

[aerick-cosmic-cauldron]

I'm so done

living in this house is literally hell i need to get out as fast as possible, but I can't even move myself to work or to attend to my basic needs. I'm so desperately trapped in this hell. my mom and grandma are incapacitated and constantly interrupt our sleep, we can't use the bathroom, their incapacity and our economic situation made this a living hell for everyone around. It feels so horrible but my god I refuse to help them, the only thing I can think of is to escape, to rent a room or something and live there, but I'd be living in constant uncertainty, I'd have to work cleaning the streets or something and pray for the universe to keep me on the work.

This seems like a reasonable plan, but I need to get antidepressants first and I lost the damn paper with the appointment, I need to search for it. when once I'm medicated I'll be able to move more toward my goals.

something is telling me to forget about the video game dev project. but I need to do it, It is for self-expression, I need that to build a firm sense of identity and be able to connect with people. Actually making said project hurts like hell for a bitch like me who wanna avoid any hard experience as much as possible. And that's where the issue is. Right now I don't even know how to plan this shit is too big of a project I need to get realistic about it, but I want it to be good too, I don't know how to balance this shit. the good thing is I can progress on the programming part and then create animations and stories. this is how imma do it.

writing all of this makes me a little lonely and empty, but it is not the writing isn't it, it's my damn lifestyle. but I cannot change it yet, I just need to survive it a bit. in the meanwhile I'm keeping myself busy with a fan page but it's becoming so hard to do it, way too time-consuming because I can't focus. but it's giving sense and structure to my day-to-day, so I'll keep it going; also it gave me a huge distraction from this hellhole of a house I'm living in. Hopefully, I gain some energy to advance in the game dev project too.