#my wrists started hurting and i couldnt draw at all and i felt miserable again

[ogdit]

me, chanting: recovery is not linear, sometimes i will feel worse. recovery is not linear, sometimes i will feel worse. recovery is not linear, sometimes i will feel worse. recovery is not linear, sometimes i will feel worse. recovery is not linear, sometimes i will feel worse. recovery is not linear, som-

[dirt-cup-draco]

Sirius x Reader - More To You (2/2)

tag list: @spacegirlhere @treestarrrrrrrr @slytherpuffgal @scaredofvscogirls @jenniseiblack

Previously:

It wasn’t often he felt guilt for what he did but right now he couldn’t have felt worse. He really didn’t know you. He hadn’t even tried. Because he was angry at his family and the world he had taken it out on you without a second thought. “I’m sorry,” He said lamely as you headed off to the library. He was positive you heard him but you just sighed and shook your head. He knew that wouldn’t be enough.

Sirius realized he should stop burning bridges before he had the chance to cross them. There was much more to you than he realized and now he was sure you would never forgive him.

If someone had told Sirius Black even five years ago that he would be stood before Barty Crouch Senior and convicted of thirteen counts of murder as well as giving away the hidden location of his best friend, his brother, he would have laughed in your face. Now, he was just numbly staring around as he let the members of the Wizengamot talk over him. 

He wasn’t present, not really. He still couldn’t believe James and Lily were gone. And Harry, oh poor Harry. Sirius should be with his godson right now. He should be raising and loving that boy like James would have wanted. A tear escaped out of his dull eyes as the men and women clamored over evidence and motive and all this terribly bullshit that made no sense. James was his family, Lily was the light of the world that was better with her and James in it. 

Now his family was torn apart. He hadn’t heard from Peter in ages and Remus didn’t believe his innocence. It hurt, the people he had grown up loving the most, and still loving unconditionally, couldn’t see he would never hurt them. It was the grief, he hoped. Maybe before Sirius rotted in Azkaban Remus could forgive him for not doing a better job to protect them. 

He was snapped out of his nightmarish reverie by a voice floating above the rest. “I don’t think we are considering all the possibilities here! It doesn’t make sense as to what Sirius Black would gain from giving up the Potters,” 

Eyes traveled to you and you took a steady breath as he stared at you with wide eyes. He hadn’t even realized you were part of the Wizengamot. He hadn’t seen you since school when you had declared that you wouldnt, couldnt, forgive him for his cruel behaviors against you. Why were you defending him?

“It figures that the Slytherin sticks her neck out for this monster,” Muttered a council member. You looked at them with a cool fury in your eyes what was drawing Sirius in like a moth to a flame. 

“My house is not relevant in this court room. It is a foolish way to judge students without knowing all of their circumstances and beliefs. Please do not presume to know me because of my house,” You were boiling beneath the surface but still had a dangerous calm about you. “And I think we are also presuming too many things about Black. We hear his family name and think he must have done it, we don’t know that for certain,” You argued. 

Barty Crouch Senior’s cheeks turned red in fury as he gaped at you. “You are new but that does not excuse your complete dismissal of the signs that point straight to this man being the culprit! I ask for silence from you,” 

“But it’s too perfect! Every single sign points to him and that is the problem!” You tried, knowing your time was coming to an end. 

“I will not hear another word from you!” You were silenced. 

You stewed angrily in your seat but relented. You couldn’t forfeit your entire career on Sirius Black but you wished that you could convince the rest to see that they could possibly be convicting an innocent man. They weren’t even giving him a real trial!

“We declare Sirius Orion Black guilty of all charges and hereby sentenced to life in Azkaban,”

Every prisoner in Azkaban was there for life. It was just a matter of how long they held on. 

You looked at Sirius as he accepted his fate. The fire was gone and he took punishment for the death of his friends and several others. Guilt swam in his eyes, drowning him. You recognized the look in him. It was close to the guilt he had shown when he had apologized to you years ago. You let your eyes linger on him. 

You had to remember this man before Azkaban hollowed him out and ultimately killed him. “I’m sorry,” You mouthed to him as he returned your gaze, possibly wanting to see a friendly face for the last time in his soon to be miserable existence. 

All he could manage was a tired smile. He was disconnected from reality but you understood. It was better to let life happen around you than face the hell you were in. 

--

Sirius stood outside your door. The moon was high in the sky and every noise had him looking around nervously. He barked, pawing at the door. He knew it was a long shot but he was praying you would open up. They would be looking for him and he was safe in his animagus form but he couldn’t sleep another night on the cold ground. He had to get to someone who would believe he wasn’t a danger. 

“Merlin’s beard,” He heard you mutter as you stomped down the stairs, flinging the door open. “Come on then,” You opened the door wider as you stared blearily at him. It seemed in your tired state that it took you an extra few seconds to realize who you were opening the door to. It was no secret to you that Sirius and his pals were unregistered animagi. A black dog could only chase you around the grounds so many times before you got suspicious. 

You looked closer, fumbling for the glasses you had hung on the collar of your shirt. “Oh gods,” You paled.Sirius wagged his tail and trotted in. You closed and locked the door, drawing the blinds closed and falling heavy into the nearest seat. “How?” You croaked. 

In but a blink of an eye Sirius was standing in front of you, hair tangled and matted. An unseemly scruff had found it’s way on to his face as he grinned a sinister grin. He was so far from the handsome boy he’d been in school. How long had it been? Twelve years. You realized, stomach churning. You had stopped trying  a handful of years ago and it had always been your biggest regret and source of guilt.

“Slipped through the bars when those ghoulish bastards brought me that shit they call food,” He snarled. His prison uniform hung off his skeletal frame.  You hardly knew what to do but realized Sirius was in need of well, everything. Food water, clothes. He was a miserable sight. 

You sprang up, dashing into the kitchen. “How do you take your tea?” You asked and Sirius let himself smile even if it was tight. They had taken so much from him over the past twelve years he didn’t know how to function so soon after.

“I’ll take anything,” He said honestly as you set a mug in front of him as well as some toast. 

“Y-you can have more if you finish,” You said, awkwardly. “I just figured you don’t want an upset stomach,” How strange it was to see you like this, hair messy from sleep and in a simple sleeping gown that he wouldn’t have thought a person like you would wear. He had been wrong years ago so he wasn’t surprised to find you were far different than he expected.

“Thank you,” He said after he had devoured everything in front of him. You had tried not to stare as he had wolfed it down, as if he was scared it would be taken from him. Sirius wiped the crumbs from his mouth and looked at you.

You were prettier than he remembered. “Thank you for the food,” He clarified, “but also for what you tried to do all those years ago. You were the only one on my side and it seems you still are,” 

“Please dont thank me,” You winced as a heavy weight fell on your shoulders. “I gave up on you far too soon, after three years it seemed every mention of you was gone and then after five I started to wonder if you were still alive. My budget was tight and I couldn’t afford to continue trying to free you,” You buried your face in your hands. 

Sirius hadn’t been expecting that. His lithe fingers wrapped around your wrist, tugging at it until you looked at him. He intertwined his fingers with you. Oh how good it felt to be near someone. “I will still thank you, I’ve given you every reason to doubt me and when it truly mattered the most you were the only one who had faith in me,” 

You let out a sad chuckle. “You’re an idiot, Black, not a monster,” You teased. 

Sirius meant to laugh, he meant to jest back. Instead he found himself giving into deep sobs that wracked his entire body and made his chest feel tight. He fell forward, head falling against your chest as you rested a shaky hand in his hair, another hand patting his back as you let him cry. After being dehumanized Sirius needed to feel again and know what it was to be free to do so. 

When his tears subsided you picked up a rather scary looking knot of hair. “I think you need a shower,” 

Sirius snorted and nuzzled his face against your chest as he wiped at his eyes. Moving but not distancing himself he rested his forehead against yours in a show of appreciation. You were the rock he never expected to have in this time. It was strange and foreign but you were both leaning on each other in a way that had seemed impossible once. 

Looking at Sirius Black you felt your heart ache with something akin to warmth. He was a shell of the man he used to be but in a way he was a better man, worn down by the world but still kind, maybe even kinder than he was before tragedy shredded his life. 

“I’m sorry but it had to be you I came to see,” He spoke as you washed his dish absentmindedly, thinking of how you’d get the guest bedroom ready for him as he took a shower. You didn’t want to be mean but the man smelled like death. 

“I’m glad you came,” You spoke and realized the words were completely honest. “Stay as long as you need, you are safe here,” 

When Sirius nodded and walked by you, following your directions to your bathroom, he pressed a kiss against your cheek and your draw nearly dropped. Who would have thought you’d see the day where Sirius Black wanted to be near you for a reason other than tormenting you. 

He didn’t look back as he walked to your bathroom but he felt his heart begin to beat again. The world was a different place now but just as dangerous as it had been twelve years ago. Despite that fact he let himself relax as he stood underneath the scalding water. 

Sirius Black washed himself clean from all the grime and misery of the past and let himself become a man with a soul again. In your home he could free himself of the past. You were the start of a future where he could be free, or at least he was hoping. 

Besides all the time he had spent figuring out who could have framed him he had allowed himself to reflect on all the missed chances he’d had. You were his biggest regret. You had deserved a respect he had never once shown you and now he would make up for it. 

In his time away, it was easy to say you had been a happy memory he had clung to. You didn’t have specific memories together but the memory of you standing strong to defend him had resonated with him and had his mind stuck on what memories the two of you could have possibly made if he had learned not to hate as a child. There had always been more to you.

If he played his cards right and got the revenge he craved, the justice for his best friend, maybe he could hope to learn all the things that made you tick. 

Without even knowing it you had given Sirius a reason to come back from the depths of hell and have a purpose after he caught Peter and made him pay.