#my toxic male trait is unless someone I love is dying I can only cry for silly things

[just-an-enby-lemon]

I feel really shit rn because I'm super against saying people are using their disorders as a free pass to be an asshole and I don't think this is the case. But at the same time a friend of mine keeps using her RSD (as a result of her ADHD) as an excuse for being shitty to me.

She just expects that I for instance know that certain things trigger her (but only when said in specifics ways and by specific people) based on her facial expressions. Or that I can catch everytime someone is ironic to her even if she pretends they weren't being ironic. So I can stand up and protect her from those people (most that are our friends and she constantly calls friends). And everytime I don't do that she keeps calling me a shitty friend. So I tell her that I can't do it. That because of the way my autism acts I literally can't read facial expressions or that I didn't noticed it was sarcasm or that since she herself keeps talking about how she has small feet and jokes about it I did not think someone making a similar joke would upset her. But she just says "yeah, sure" and that she isn't mad. And than vague posts about her shitty friends that don't protect her. And now even when I notice she is upset and ask what made her upset and how can I help she says "you wouldn't understand anyway" and vague posts about her awfull friends that don't get her.

It doesn't help that she makes ME feel bad everytime I have to talk to her about trans stuff she got wrong (because she is the director of the gender studies league at our college now) to the point I didn't even talked to her about things like me as a transmasc finding it kindda offensive that she as a cis woman proudly said she wanted to portray a transman in our therapy simulation and didn't because it would be an even harder pacient. Nor the fact she constatly commits the same microagression against one of my best friends (and her best friends as well) since said friend said A LOT OF TIMES that while she marjoritarially uses fem pronouns and is afab she is nonbinary (and sometimes has preference for other pronouns) and feels unconfortable when people call her a woman a thing said friend keeps "forgetting" so she can make the call that all the directors of the gender studies group are woman.

Like most of the times we talk about serious stuff I end up apologizing even in conversations that outside of the moment of the conversation I don't think I was wrong. And her arguments are mostly based on her disabilities. Even though besides my sensory issues with loud noises (and not always) and my stims the only other time she aknowledge my autism was to send a passive agressive coment about how she forgot I have "rigid thinking" because of it. (And she also demonizes my friend who has BPD and BPD ppl on general).

And I made all this post to rant and am still feeling bad an like a shitty friend because yeah sure she did all that but she didn't mean to and she has issues and I'm just being petty (I mean I'm angry at silly things like she passive agressivaly comenting to my friends that our project had took more work even tho I did most of it and the rest was done by the other ppl in the group and not her and this is such a silly nitpick) and ableist (she has cronicle issues and is sick a lot so it makes sense she can't always meet deadlines and she has a lot of trauma so ofc she wants us to protect her from being triggered) and maybe if she was the one remembering things she would show all the times I was a shitty friend.

I just feel so tired of failing to help her. And a bit angry over feeling like she has a lot of expectations for me but never reciprocates (specially when she throws the things she does to you in your face if you don't respond to them the way she wants a thing that actually makes sense because yeah it sucks to do a lot for someone and they don't appreaciate it but I didn't ask for any of that).