#my top 5 artist were the one i haven't listened to in the past 6 months lol

[ringosmistress]

[visualtae]

The other day I realized I hadn't done a top ten albums of the year list for the past 7 years, and this felt like the perfect year to remedy that. There was so much good music that came out this year, sitting back and taking a look at all of it was a bit overwhelming. I'm sure there's something I missed, but i started with 58 albums, narrowed that down to 16 using a rating system, and from those I found my top 10. And so without further ado, I present my list of the top 10 albums of 2023.

10. Nothing But Thieves-Dead Club City With a great alt/indie rock vibe, this album will keep a smile on your face from start to finish. From smooth tunes reminiscent of the early 80s, to harder deep bass sounds of the 2010s, this album is sure to bring some joy to your eardrums.

my top 3 songs-Welcome To The DCC, Do You Love Me Yet?, Foreign Language

9. Boys Like Girls-Sunday At Foxwoods So although I was aware of their existence, I am not someone who really listened to Boys Like Girls until like....3 months ago. But that means I approached this album with no judgement and no expectations. A fresh perspective. And I really like this album. The songs are modern, peppy, and fun, but they dance around the edge of angst. So even if, like me, you were previously unfamiliar with this band, I think you'd find it easily enjoyable.

my top 3 songs-The Outside, Blood and Sugar, Physical

8. Sleep Token-Take Me Back To Eden I think Sleep Token has been on a lot of people's music radars this year, it was this way that I originally found them. Imagine my surprise when I learned they are a 'progressive metal' band. I haven't listened to a ton of their previous work, but aside from one song on this album (that I always skip) the music is deep, melodic, and beautiful. The lead singer has a haunting and soothing tone, I would definitely recommend giving them a listen (just remember to skip song #5)

my top 3 songs-DYWTYLM, Ascensionism, Aqua Regia

7. FIZZ-The Secret To Life FIZZ is a group made up of 4 seperately successful solo artists (including my personal favorite, Dodie Clark) who have joined together to create a fabulous sound that harkens to movie soundtracks of the 90s, with a dash of flower-power and a sprinkle of queer angst. FIZZ is definitely bringing something different to the floor that I don't hear in a lot of modern bands. A bright sparkling sound that grabs your attention and

my top 3 songs-The Grand Finale, Close One, You Me Lonely

6. Niall Horan-The Show Ok, I do have to say, this album is no Heartbreak Weather (the best Niall album imo) but it's still a great album. I love listening to Niall because he feels like one of those people who will still be doing shows when he's 60 and these songs will be considered classics. These songs make me feel like it's 1974, I'm dancing in my living room, and this album is of course playing on vinyl. Everyone from your little brother to your grandma will enjoy this (even if they won't admit it).

my top 3 songs-Save My Life, Heaven, Must Be Love

5. The Rose-Dual Sadly I missed their show this year, but I always always adore a Rose album. Woosung's vocals are top tier, the blend of genres, and for those of you too scared to listen to Korean music, no worries, all the songs are in English. One of my favorite things about The Rose is the way they sound on their albums is the way they sound in person, and after listening to them for a few years I see so much growth in their music and it's so good.

my top 3 songs-Back To Me, Alive, Wonder

4. No Frills Twins-Aquarius Not surprised if none of you know who this is, but this awesome Australian duo has been on my radar for close to 12 years now. This is actually their first full album and it's about time! Their unique sound and vocals are like nothing you're hearing in mainstream music today or yesterday either. If you need a full emotional escape, this is the album for you.

my top 3 songs-Golden, Heartbreak City, Soft Porn

3. Maisie Peters-The Good Witch What an adorable human being! British singer/songwriter Maisie Peters should be your new favorite, because she certainly is mine. With an ethereal voice and thought-provoking song lyrics, you truly feel like she is telling you a story. I love how each songs has a lovely spritely feeling and Maisie's sweet voice provides you a delightful experience. Recommend if you want some joy in your music.

my top 3 songs-The Good Witch, BSC, History of Man

2. Hozier-Unreal Unearth Oh what can I say about Hozier that hasn't already been said. This album is a theraputic escape. The music is deep and orchestral and gathers you in a warm dark place. I absolutely love that the songs are inspired by Dante's Inferno, music inspired by literature are some of my favorites. I love combining two forms of art. I feel like I don't need to tell you to listen to this album, because you're smart, you've done it. But if you haven't, we all need to cry in car at some point.

my top 3 songs-I Carrion, Unknown/Nth, Damage Gets Done

Honorable mentions-Carly Rae Jepsen "The Loveliest Time", Raye "21st Century Blues", Jungkook "Golden" , Ren "Sick Boi", Dreamfone "postMANIC" and finally...

1.Morgan Clae-Dreamboy If you're on TikTok you may have seen Morgan who went a bit viral for her audition of Poseidon in the EPIC musical. If you haven't, let me tell you, this album was a religious experience. I was stunned to the edge of stunning. Morgan's voice, music, and presence, holds such a beautiful power and she finds such perfect ways to express herself. Not often does an album truly leave me speechless. I implore you to listen to this artist.

my top 3 songs: The Break: Injury, The Hope, The Dream

[damn-d4niel]

my eurovision top 10 ✨

eurovision is coming up and i can't wait any longer, so i decided to share my favourites before the show!!

1 lithuania: monika liu - sentimentai

this is my favourite song by far this year!! i was completely hooked after the first time i heard it, it's just right up my alley and brings something to the contest that we haven't seen many times before, monika is an amazing artist and i just adore this song!!!

2 italy: mahmood & blanco - brividi

italy, everyone's favourite eurovision country <3 soldi was my winner in 2019 and i've known some of blanco's music for a while now too and the chemistry of the two of them is so so good, the song is incredible and i wouldn't mind a back to back win this year!!

3 ukraine: kalush orchestra - stefania

ukraine is once again sending an amazing song, the combination of traditional and more modern music is incredible, i love this one!!!

4 sweden: cornelia jacobs - hold me closer

finally a real and authentic song from sweden!! and it's amazing!! (and really the only good song that was in the mello final) her voice is what carries the entire thing though, if anyone else sang it i would probably feel very different about it

5 portugal: maro - saudade, saudade

i love love looove portugal's entries in recent years and this is no exception!!! i feel like this song just gets better with every listen, the harmonies here are just perfect i can't get enough

6 slovenia: lps - disko

this song is really underrated by the fandom so far but i love it!! it's super catchy and overall the vibe is so good!!

7 latvia: citi zeni - eat your salad

this is exactly the type of fun entry that makes eurovision so great and i love that!! it's extremely catchy and the blonde guy's energy on stage is just amazing!! also i love the instrumental, like the guitar in the second verse is so gooood

8 greece: amanda tenfjord - die together

my expectations were quite high when amanda was announced for greece but they didn't disappoint! the buildup on this song is amazing and i don't know what it is exactly but the bridge makes my brain tingle in all the right ways

9 spain: chanel - slomo

this simply SLAPS, chanel's stage presence is immaculate and i'm convinced this is what's gonna get spain out of the bottom 5 and to the top for once!! in the past week it grew on me so much i'm obsessed

10 san marino: achille lauro - stripper

a great song, it's super catchy and i can't wait for the crowd in turin to go crazy once this is on omg (on that note - i would've never envisioned mahmood, blanco and achille lauro all participating in the same eurovision edition but it's happening and i'm obsessed with it)

[backonmybilly]

1,3,5,16,21,22,26,42,49,56,65,76,88

Thank you for so many asks! Hope I haven't messed this up somehow but I think I did it all right.

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

(asked before so copy paste)

I think I'll rely on my Spotify on repeat playlist for this one XD.

Star Shopping by Lil Peep, it's been my most listened to song on Spotify for 3 maybe 4 years now. LOVE IT!

Without Me by Halsey ft. Juice WRLD

Sweater Weather by Jade De Mure

Robbery by Juice WRLD

Life Is Beautiful by Lil Peep

Running With The Wolves by Aurora

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

"Do you fear to speak to me?" I asked.

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

Super boring answer unfortunately, just my sister messaging saying "dogs were fed, cat wasn't."

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

I usually just listen to solo artists so this is pretty tough but simply for how many of their songs I know all the lyrics of I'll say Linkin Park.

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

No I have not, yet.

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

Although my overall answer is no I will say that over the past maybe 2 or 3 years I've definitely made progress towards that goal, I've not become who I want to be yet but I'm closer than I've ever been before.

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Despise it, my work involves moving around a lot of fuel so most days at work the smell will linger about for ages, hate it.

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

So many, too many bored idiots back in school, I think everyone had rumors spread about them here.

56: In a relationship?

Not yet and sadly I don't think I'll manage to be in one for a while, lonely boi hours over here.

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

In no particular order here's the best 5 Tumblrs I follow. A small collection of some of the nicest, coolest, straight up best people I follow.

@chanandchilde

@hopefulwriter101

@eugeliaskintea

@cokebody4

@whit3-monsst3r

Big internet hugs for all these lovely people. (Of course only if they're okay with that)

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Time to put my 0 experience into action here, from seeing the relationships of others crash and burn countless times I gotta say trust, commitment, and honesty, all this checking their phones just in case and those fucking people that ask their friends to "test" their significant other by flirting to see if they'll cheat, just stupid immature crap. Trust, commitment, honesty.

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

I'm not gonna name a guy from school and I don't wanna be vague so let's go with Bezos, honestly I don't really think killing an individual will actually change much but I hate him with a passion so fuck him.

[husbandograveyard]

Wootwoot! We made it you guys! May 4th is my one-year anniversary on Tumblr. With some ups and downs and over 300 requests written, I'm gonna go ahead and say it was a successful year!

Monday until next Sunday I will do another Mini HC event, like we did for valentine! Open for all my fandoms, with mystery prompts to choose from.

Until then, I wanted to do a sleepover event. Unlimited asks and interactions for the weekend cause I feel like I haven't talked to a lot of you in a long while!

You can send me any classic sleepover question

Kiss, marry, kill

Would you rather

Top 3/5/10...

Questions about me

Questions about my anime, writings...

Theories (keep em spoiler free though!)

For this event, I will engage in a little bit of selfship talk if anyone were to be interested. Ask me about my F/o's and tell me about yours! Dynamics, habits... anything!

Questions about OCs

If you need some inspiration, I have included a couple of lists below the cut with questions id be 100% okay with.

Also, if you just want to chat, tell me about your week, a funny thing that happened to you, or a fun fact (i love fun facts especially if it's creepy or an animal fact)... A N Y T H I N G is welcome! There is no limit to your asks, spam me if you want! ♡

Look forward to talking to you guys!

Ps, I'll tag these #1yearSleepover if you want to block something against spam

Questions for OCs - Specify which one! Taken from here

1. How many different places have they lived?

2. What is their dream vacation?

3. What is their favorite color?

4. What is their favorite book?

5. Have they ever cheated on anyone before?

6. Have they ever been cheated on?

7. How many partners have they had?

8. What is their favorite food?

9. Are they a liar? Are they good at lying?

10. Introvert or Extrovert?

11. Have they ever been arrested and why?

12. Who would they sacrifice their life for?

13. What are their spending habits?

14. Do they like hot or cold temperatures better?

15. Are they religious?

16. If they could describe themself in one sentence, what would they say?

17. Do they have any overused catchphrases?

18. What makes them laugh?

19. Have they ever lost anyone close to them? How did it affect them?

20. Do they have a fast reaction time, or slow?

21. How do they react to praise?

22. How do they react to criticism?

23. Are they indoorsy or outdoorsy?

24. What are their biggest pet peeves?

25. Do they have any type of handicaps? How do they manage them?

Other ask game - taken from here

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

6: do you keep plants?

7: do you name your plants?

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

12: what’s your favorite planet?

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

20: what’s your favorite eye color?

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

22: are you a morning person?

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

28: sunrise or sunset?

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

33: what’s your fave pastry?

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

39: what color do you wear the most?

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

59: what’s your favorite myth?

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

68: what’s winter like where you live?

69: what are your favorite board games?

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

73: what are some of your worst habits?

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

75: tell us about your pets!

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

82: are/were you good in school?

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

89: are you close to your parents?

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Thirty-Nine

Table of Content or Part Thirty-Eight

Read here on wattpad

Word count: 4K

Warning(s): Explicit language, Drug abuse

Tag List: @unknownoblivion @sinningsixx @edwardtriggerhandzz @lemmyjelly @haileynicoleseavey17 @cierrasixx19 @oskea93 @mgkobsessed @vamprlestat @sharon6713 @itsametaphorbriansblog @miriampraez @allie-mcginn @rebeccaphillips14 @nicholeh7 @fandomshit6000 @lilmou5ie @tamedhearts @divaanya @kingbouji3 @evrsncnewyork @6ixx6ixx @ratedrkohardychick91 @floregrohlssard @oldschoolimagineblog @thanks2pete @abaldboi @swoopygorl @justjodeye @liith-ium @caos18blog @ytwahsog @shamlessobsessions @scarecrowmax @toadspleen @random-internet-user-4471 @solohqrry @loveofmyloif @sparxx27 @kaitieskidmore1 @xpoisonousrosesx @cruecifymesixx @ijustwanttokiss70srogertaylor @emmaelizabeth2014 @meetthesixxter @sixxsixxsexx @sublimeprincesswasteland @arianareirg @girlnight-terror @mcnibberachi

LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT TO BE TAGGED

PMRC DEMANDS CENSORSHIP, DEVELOPES A LIST OF THE "FILTHY 15."

1. Prince, "Darling Nikki", flagged for sex/masturbation

2. Sheena Easton, "Sugar Walls", flagged for sex

3. Judas Priest, "Eat Me Alive", flagged for Sex/Violence

4. Vanity, "Strap On Robbie Baby", flagged for sex

5. Mötley Crüe, "Bastard", flagged for violence/language

6. AC/DC, "Let Me Put My Love Into You", flagged for sex

7. Twisted Sister, "We're Not Gonna Take It", flagged for violence

8. Madonna, "Dress You Up", flagged for sex

9. W.A.S.P., "Animal (Fuck Like a Beast)", flagged for sex/language/violence

10. Def Leppard, "High 'n' Dry (Saturday Night)", flagged for drug/alcohol use

11. Mercyful Fate, "Into the Coven", flagged for occult themes

12. Black Sabbath, "Trashed", flagged for drug/alcohol use

13. Mary Jane Girls, "In My House", flagged for sex

14. Venom, "Possessed", flagged for occult themes

15. Cyndi Lauper, "She Bop", flagged for sex/masturbation

Tipper freaking Gore, the wife of the senator at the time, Al Gore, and bunch of other political housewives got their panties in a twist in 1985 and decided to demand artists either censor themselves when creating music, leaving no room for even the slightest hint at sex, drugs, alcohol, satanism, occultism, violence, language, or anything else almost every artist uses one of to express themselves in their music.

When musicians across the board practically told Tipper, the other wives, and everyone else that called themselves a member of the Parents Music Resource Center, to go fuck themselves, they decided to slap censorship stickers on records that contained any of the mentioned offenses.

Even John Denver got hit with censorship for his song "Rocky Mountain High."

It didn't shock me when my mother was photographed with Tipper after attending one of the hearings.

Mötley was invited to a hearing to defend their content and speak their opinions with a handful of others being censored, but they never batted an eye when the news first came out because they knew having an "X" or "XX" or "XXX" rating for violence, language, sex, drugs, alcohol, etc. would only make kids buy the record more. And it did.

"It's bullshit." I state, tossing the news paper article aside.

"It's politics." Fred replies taking a bite of his bagel.

"These womens' sex lives must be atrocious or else they'd be spending more time on their husbands' dicks and less time on these people's." I motion to the article with the list on it.

"Babe--"

"If these polotical lunatics spent as much energy taking care of their own damn kids, as they're spending attempting to villainize artists who're expressing themselves, they would realize that it's not Mötley Crüe's or anyone else's job to raise their children. If you're so scared of your kids trying all this stuff, have a conversation with them about it and tell them about it, honestly, instead of relying on the music they listen to, to properly teach them about it. And at the end of the day, they're gonna buy the record whether their parents want them to or not, and they're going to try all kinds of stuff, no matter who talks to them about it, if they really want to try it." I continue my rant, Fred, Doc, Nikki, Vince, Tommy and Mick all looking at me, waiting for me to be done.

"Are you done, Sister Christian?" Vince asks me and I glare at him.

"Viv, it's publicity. Who gives a fuck?" Nikki asks me. "The kids are gonna go for the nastiest rated album anyway. The more 'X's the better."

"Yeah, but the audacity of--" Tommy's teaching his hand around my shoulder and covering my mouth before I can continue and I look at him where he's beside me.

"I've got a headache. I'm hungover, Viv. I love you, but I don't need to hear a Vivian Bitch Fit right now." Tommy explains to me.

I just look at him like he's lost his mind for shutting me up, and he cautiously moves his hand away.

I give him a ten second reprieve before shouting, at the top of my lungs:

"The audacity of these people pisses me off!" I finish what I was going to say and Tommy and Nikki are both jumping out of their seats a little at the sudden shouting, covering their ears, wincing, before Nikki's looking at me, sharply.

I roll my eyes at him and he grabs roughly at my thigh under the table, uncomfortably sinking the tips of his fingers into my flesh.

Ignoring him, I take a sip of my coffee, as he glances around and stands up.

"I gotta piss." He tells us, but I know why he's going to the bathroom.

I wait for him to disappear past the "Men's Room" sign in the Denny's before I get up and follow after him.

I walk in, catching the tail end of him snorting a line, and I cross my arms, waiting outside of the stall he's in.

I hear the familiar "click" of a needle being uncapped.

"Nikki. It's 10:00 in the morning." I tell him.

"Fuck off."

"Nikki."

"Fuck off."

"Nikk--"

"Fuck off."

"Make me."

I wait for him to come out of the stall and do what I dared him to, but I just hear the sound of him sighing out in relief as opiate hits his system, drowning out whatever argument we were about to get into.

When he didn't want to hear me complain or try to talk him out of stuff, he would run to his favorite room in his mind: his heroin den.

If we were at home, he'd lock himself in the closet, with me begging him to come out.

He'd open the door for me right before passing out so he could at least say he tried.

If we were in public or at a hotel, he'd lock himself in the bathroom and do the same thing.

The sound of vomit smattering the floor has me wincing as he mumbles "fuck it" and opens the stall door, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Don't fuckin' give me that hit dog look." He tells me, moving past me to the sink, splashing some water on his face, smearing his already smeared eyeliner that makes him look like a raccoon that's been digging around in a dumpster.

"I'm not giving you any kind of look." I mumble, forcing him to look at me as I wet a paper towel and wipe his black-coated eyelids clean.

The smell of his vomit infiltrates my nostrils and I throw the paper towel away before pulling at his wrist to leave. 

Being that he's perfected his magical potion, he isn't too jittery from the coke or nodding off from the heroin.

He's just quiet.

We leave Denny's and head straight to the airport to head back home, being they wrapped up the last show of the U.S. tour last night.

Next is Europe.

Once we land in L.A., Christmas music blares through the speakers of the airport and reminds me that it's already nearing the end of December.

Apparently Vince is reading my mind because he mumbles, "apparently time flies when you're in hell."

Amen, Vince. A-fucking-men.

The second Nikki and I get into the limo to take us to our house, he's busting out a vile of blow that's nearly empty.

"Fuck, I gotta get Jason over, asap." He tells himself and I rub my lips together.

"You know, we haven't even bought a Christmas tree since we've been married." I tell him, trying to distract myself from his previous comment.

"Yeah." He says, basically blowing me off and I reach the toe of my sneaker out and nudge him on the kneecap as he gets the tip of our house key and scoops some from the bindle, snorting a bump.

"Babe." I continue to tap his kneecap until he's got his hand around my ankle, loosely, stopping me.

"What, Viv?"

"What did I just say?" I ask him, crossing my arms.

He just blinks at me, smirking a little.

"I'll gladly tell you when I finish this." He holds the bindle up.

I lean forward and take it from him, holding it hostage when he attempts to take it.

"You'll get it back when I get a Christmas tree." I tell him, raising my brows.

"Are you fucking me right now?" He asks, chuckling, not thinking I'm serious.

"No...but now that you mention it, I want that, too. Then you can get it back." I add and he smirks.

By the time we get to a department store, get my clothes back on and his pants zipped back up, grab an artificial tree, lights and ornaments, and finally get to the house, it's nearly one in the morning.

"Okay, Saint Vivian, gimme my shit back." Nikki states, carrying the boxed up tree while I carry the bags of lights and ornaments.

"Put the tree up so I can decorate it and I will." I reply.

"That wasn't apart of the deal." He argues, his tone still light.

"Well now it is." I reply.

"That's cheating."

"I made the deal. I make the rules." I shrug.

"You're making me work for something that's already mine." His free hand pulls at my waist, turning me to him and I grin mischievously as he shakes his head a little. "That's it, Sixx." He tells me before crouching enough to wrap his arm around my thighs and throw me over his shoulder.

I laugh manically, partially out of fear that he'll drop me, but also because this is the Nikki I fell in love with.

Playful, lighthearted, aggravating but meaning well, Nikki.

He manages to dig his house key out again and unlock the door before stepping in and turning on the lights in the foyer.

"Baby, put the bags down for now." He tells me and I drop them as carefully as I can while he puts the box the tree is in, down.

He's walking us to the living room, laughing when he pretends to trip and I gasp, digging my nails into him like a cat holding onto its owner to avoid a bathtub full of water.

When he flips the next light on, he stops immediately.

My mind is in shambles for a moment as I try to put together why so many people are in my house once Nikki's nearly dropping me out of shock, not even hearing them all scream out, "surprise!"

Steven and Tansy are at the forefront of people as the explosion of glitter, a mixture of neon and pastel decor, an abundance of various alcohol options, scantily clad women, a handful of Nikki's friends he hangs out with outside of Mötley Crüe, and a big ass, two-tier cake with every curse word known to man written in pristine is cursive font on the sides of it is soaked in by mine and Nikki's eyes.

Steven's wearing a beer hat, smiling widely, while Tansy looks like a sallow Barbie doll, but she's still forcing out a grin for the sake of us, and everyone's waiting for mine and Nikki's reactions.

Nikki and I exchange looks, confused as ever.

"Why is it a surprise?" I finally ask, deciding it's best if I ask instead of Nikki, because all he wanted to do was come in, shoot up, have a few lines, fuck around with me some more, and pass out.

But instead he's being forced to socialize in his own house.

His safe place has been infested.

Steven and Tansy seem horrified that we don't understand the reason for the apparent party.

"...Because it's your birthday?" Tansy reminds me.

"And Nikki's was a couple weeks ago, but he wasn't here to celebrate it." Steven adds, his smile is long gone, his eyes focused on Nikki who looks like he could kill someone right now.

"Oh, right!" I pretend that I know that it's my birthday today, and everyone seems to let out a breath of relief. "It's been a long day." I explain, stepping to the two blondes, hugging them both tightly. "Thank you so much."

While everyone else starts going on with the party, music starting to blare throughout the house on the stereo speakers, cracking open beer, whiskey, and vodka, as girls strip down to bikinis to go swimming, Nikki's still standing at the door, the look on his face is a mixture or pissed off, disappointed, and "I need another dose."

"Babe." I say gently to grab his attention, hazel eyes looking to me as a jaw tightens. "C'mon, just for a couple hours."

"I'll be right back." He tells me, shoving through people to get to our bedroom.

I brush off his attitude the second I feel hands on my shoulders, squeezing them a little and I snap around to meet Duff's chest.

"Hey, birthday girl." He greets me cooly, and I'm hugging him before I can stop myself.

Something wet falls on my hand when I pull away, and just as I'm about to look around for whatever it was, his fingers that are sticking out of leather gloves that just cover his palms, are brushing at my face.

"What's up?" He asks me, furrowing his brows a little.

What is up? Why the hell are you crying?

"I-I'm happy." Is all I can say, chuckling, wiping more tears.

He knew it was bullshit. I was happy, sure. Happy to get the fuck off the road. Happy to get a break from Nikki and Tommy harassing Vince. Happy to get away from Doc's constant pressing for more tour dates to milk as much money as possible. Happy to be able to hangout with balls of optimism and sunshine like Duff and Steven and have Slash show me his pet snakes like he'd been meaning to, and for Izzy to tell me what music I should have been listening to, and for Axl to go on and on about Tansy but then completely deny he was interested in her because he was too much of a dork to just ask her out.

"I'll be right back, alright?" I tell Duff, looking around to see Nikki's nowhere to be seen.

"Okay." He tells me, swigging from a bottle of vodka.

I thread through people who tell me "happy birthday" and I thank each of them, genuinely, before opening up the bedroom door, and shutting it behind me, stepping to our bathroom.

"Baby?" I ask, seeing Nikki standing at the mirror, teasing his hair some more. "I had no idea they would do this." I tell him.

"I had no fucking idea it was even your birthday, apparently." He grumbles. "Shows how much I care, right? Husband of the year. Something else to be hung over my head anytime we get into a fight." 

"Hey, I didn't even know it was my birthday. The guys didn't either. You've all been busy and working hard and tired. I'm not going to hold this over you, Nikki." I assure him, fixing a piece of his hair for him.

I didn't realize his pride was so hurt by the gesture Steven and Tansy made.

I found out later it was Duff who brought up the idea to Tansy, who recruited the Ken to her Barbie: Steven, to help her orchestrate it.

That was another indication to Nikki that he needed to slow down, forgetting his own wife's birthday, but he didn't listen to it a bit.

"I really don't want to do this shit, Vivian." He tells me, rubbing his eyes.

"And I do?"

"They're your friends." He sighs.

"What's mine is your's." I say as I kiss his cheek and he groans.

"You owe me." He tells me as I step out of the bathroom. "Matter of fact, I want my coke back."

"Um, I can't hear you, babe. I'm sure I will when these people leave." I tell him.

"Viv--"

"I-I think you're breaking up, I'll talk to you later." I keep going, walking to the bedroom door.

"I'll break something up when these people get the fuck outta my house!" He calls back and I shut the door behind me.

The night goes on as people play beer pong on the dining room table, dance on whatever and whoever they can, snort lines off any flat surface available, and chug whatever is in their cups, drowning pain and becoming oblivious.

I hate to break it to Nikki, but I don't want these people driving in their condition, so they'll have to stay here tonight or call cabs.

After a few hours, people are either pairing off or grouping off to go get laid, passed out, or too high to function properly and are just chilling out.

Steven's observing his work, drinking from his beer cans perched in his hat when I approach him, looking for Duff.

"Have you seen Duff?" I say over the music and he nods.

"Yeah, I think he's by the pool." He tells me.

"The pool?"

"Yep."

I furrow my brows, stepping to the French doors leading outside, seeing Duff and Tansy sitting down on the pool deck, talking

"Is he pissed?" She asks me, referring to Nikki, after I sit next to her.

"I would say go see for yourself but I don't want to toss you into the lion's den." I admit. "He hasn't come out all night."

"I'll go talk to him." She says. "If he's mean to me I'll just cry and make him feel bad like I do to Vince."

Duff and I exchange looks at her confident words before she's walking away in her neon pink bikini.

"Everyone calming down?" Duff asks in a slur, and I nod, glancing through the doors to look at the guests for a few seconds. "How does it feel to be twenty-two?" He adds, rubbing his nose and I raise my brows a little, glancing at the bottle of vodka he's been working on all night.

"It's weird." I mumble. "I was a senior in high school five years ago." The reality hits me and he raises his brows. "God, I'm old."

"You were seventeen your senior year?"

"In pre-k my teacher decided I was too smart for the class and vouched for me to be moved up to kindergarten, and it didn't take my kindergarten teacher long to convince the principle of the elementary school to let me start in the first grade since they hadn't really started in on their curriculum for the year." I explain.

"I couldn't even meet the basic requirements of alternative school." He tells me.

"You're a freaking genius, you just didn't apply yourself." I tell him and he shrugs.

"I had more important things to get done.

"I guess you did." I agree, gently scoring the bottle of alcohol away from him.

"I know you're tired of me saying this, but, Viv, you gotta get back to dancing."

"Yeah?" I ask.

"Yeah. I mean, imagine me giving up music for someone I'm in a relationship with so I can hold their hand or fucking babysit them or whatever. I mean, sure it shows I love them a lot, but it would just make who ever I was with look like a fucking bitch. And I've talked to Nikki before and he told me he didn't want you to quit dance and he wanted you to go to school." He explains. "Why didn't you?"

"I had more important things to get done." I repeat him.

"I don't know if you're selfless sometimes, or just not thinking." He says, before his face suddenly falls. "I sound like an asshole right now, I'm sorry." He apologizes and I shake my head.

"I'm not upset, I know what you mean." I assure him.

"Okay." He rubs his eyes again like a sleepy child.

"Do you need me to help you to bed?" I offer and he waves his hand at me a couple times.

"No, no, I got it." He assures me, standing up.

He nearly falls over.

"Yeah, I'm sure you do." I comment, helping him inside as he apologizes.

"I'm sorry I'm being out of hand right now, Viv, I don't get like this every night." He tells me as I open our guest bedroom and thank God nobody's in here, although it's obvious someone has been screwed to oblivion on the bed.

I just throw the blanket on the edge of the bed over the mattress and help him lay down.

"Thank you." He says as I pull his boots off and set them nice and neat on the floor at the foot of his bed.

"You're welcome." I reply, setting the garbage can beside him incase he needs it. "Goodnight."

I'm about to leave, but his hand gently grasps at my hand, stopping me.

"What is it?" I ask him.

"I'm really glad we met and we're friends, Viv." He tells me, grasping my hand in his like I'm going to walk out anyway and not listen to what he's got to say.

"I am, too, Duff." I say back, smiling a little. "Sleep tight, okay?"

"Yeah." He nods his head.

"Alright, goodnight."

I go to kiss him "goodnight" on the cheek, but my entire system and body locks up the second he misreads my intentions, and kisses me.

This sounds so counteractive to who I am now and what I stand for currently, and it was ignorant of me to think such a way back then, when so many people close to me were heavily affected, some of them even dying, by drugs and alcohol...but I use to wish I liked alcohol or drugs, or even felt drawn to them.

By '87 I'd had several miscarriages, my marriage was hanging by a thread after only being married for four years, I was having an identity crisis and my entire world was seeming to fall apart and it became routine to buy a bottle of vodka or whiskey, or pills, or blow and just stare at it--trying to convince myself to go for it--for an hour before pouring it out or flushing it.

The people around me, which by that point was mainly Duff and his band, started to pick up on this struggle I had. And although they knew I had to be in some kind of extreme pain to be considering reaching such lows, they carried an "if you don't laugh about it, you'll cry" method of pulling me out of such spells.

Anytime we would be hanging out and I'd opt to try something they were doing, they would call it the "Golden Question Game" because the "Golden Question" was always "is Vivian actually gonna do it this time?" and they wouldn't argue with me about it or try to stop me because they knew the answer would always be "no" even if I didn't think it would be.

I even made the reckless suggestion to try heroin, and got as far as Izzy getting it in the syringe for me, trying to explain to me how to shoot it, how to angle it, how to know I'd hit a vein, with Steven, Slash and Duff all waiting to see if I was that desperate for an escape.

Like everything else I would think about doing, I just sat on the floor next to Izzy and stared at the golden liquid in the syringe and thought, "who the fuck are you to get pissed and angry at Nikki and Tansy for their addiction to this shit, and how it's destroying them, and then turn around and do it yourself?"

I shot it into the air away from me, handed the empty syringe back Izzy, thanked him for letting me waste his time and dose of smack, went to the bathroom with Duff at my heels, and cried.

I never went through with any of it because I knew I would never, ever, come back from it.

I would've drank myself to death or drugged myself past the point of no return and would have ended up a statistic.

I just needed a new escape because my original high became a heroin addict, and December 23, 1985, had me realizing more about Duff than what I had noticed before: Vodka was a hell of a lot easier to be around than heroin.

[surveystodestressme]

6.

1. What were your biggest plans for 2017 when the year began? With the year over half gone now, how have your plans progressed and/or changed? If you could change one thing that has happened so far this year, what would it be and why?

Honestly i didn't really have a plan. I just wanted to keep doing what i was doing, continue life as i was doing it. Life has been going good for the year and it's going the way i like. I wouldn't change anything that has happened this year.

2. Do you believe dreams come true? Why or why not? What’s the most unusual dream you’ve ever had?

if you mean literal dreams that you have when you're sleeping, then i'm not too sure about that. But if you mean something more along the lines of goals, then absolutely. if you put your mind to anything then you can achieve it.

3. Name your top three musical artists of all time (individuals or bands). Why do you love them so much? What song would you pick from each of them that you feel is their best work?

Well, I'll just pick three that i have really loved in the past. I loved hollywood undead for a long time in grade school and high school. i don't know why, my friend's liked them so i just listened to them whenever i was with my friends and ended up liking them. I also really had a thing for One Direction at one point and i think i liked them because they were cute and foreign lol not because they had any real talent. Twenty one pilots was my most recent favorite band. I thought they were new and mysterious, i fucking loved them.

favorite from hollywood undead would be everywhere i go, from one direction it'd be one of their really old songs that i can't think of right now, and from twenty one pilots it'd be car radio

4. When is the last time you pulled an “all nighter” (where you stay awake the entire night to the next day)? What was the reason you did so, and was it worth it?

It's been so long. I used to do it all the time when i had a lock-in at church. I used to be in a youth group and we'd have a lock-in twice a year and i always stayed up the entire night, it was 30 hours long.

5. What is one life experience most people around you seem to have had that you haven’t (marriage, kids, work-related, etc)? Conversely, what is one life experience you’ve had that most people around you haven’t?

there's so much that i haven't experienced. i haven't gotten married or had kids or even had my own place yet.

6. What do you think is the main difference between confidence and arrogance? What exactly makes someone come across as confident in a way that you find appealing? Conversely, what makes you classify someone as arrogant rather than just confident?

well when someone is arrogant they think they're the shit and they're better than everyone else and they hold themselves on a pedestal. having confidence in yourself is having self love and being happy with how you are as a person.

7. What are your favorite news sites? Which sites do you believe present the news with the least bias, and which are the most biased? Do you believe the comments sections of news sites are a good or bad thing?

i don't really look at news online. I mean, if it comes up and i find it interesting then i will read it.

8. If you could take a two-week vacation right now without having to worry about the details of making it work (money, vacation time, etc all taken care of), where would you go? Who would you bring with you, if anyone, and who would you want to make sure you went without?

I would love to go to ireland. it looks so beautiful from all the pictures i've seen. i would definitely take jack

9. Do you give pets or animals silly nicknames? What’s the funniest or most embarrassing nickname you’ve given an animal?

well, i have had several pets in my days. but yeah, i've given them pretty silly names sometimes.

10. How bad does a book have to be for you to stop reading, or do you always plow through no matter what? What are some examples of books you stopped reading, or forced yourself to keep reading until the end? What made these books so horrible?

if it's super boring within the first chapter or two and i cannot bear it then i'll just stop reading. i've had it happen several times.

11. If you could make a playlist of 20 songs that sound like your childhood, which songs would be on it? Why would you choose those particular songs?

hey ya by ????, yeah by usher, ride with me by nelly, country grammer by nelly, follow me by uncle kracker, and pretty much any theme song from any older nickelodean show or disney show

12. Would you rather improve your ability to remember things or to forget things? What event from your past do you wish you could remember more clearly? What’s one thing you really, really wish you could just forget?

definitely improve my ability to remember things because i feel like i forget everything. there's nothing that i wish i could forget but plenty of things i'm sure would be nice if i remembered them

13. What’s a word or phrase you use all the time that no one else seems to? Where did you learn or pick up this word/phrase?

i usually steal all of my phrases from my friends and family

14. What’s your favorite comic strip or online comic? Why do you enjoy it so much? What comic strip from the past do you wish was still around?

i like the walking dead comics (WAY better than the tv show), the scott pilgrim comics, and the kick ass comics.

15. Have you ever been lost? If so, where were you and what were you doing? Did you panic or stay calm? How did you get yourself to safety, or did someone come to your rescue?

i got lost in the woods a while ago. i was looking for a house in the woods that i had previously seen, lol. i wanted to know why someone was living in the woods. i was calm but the friend that i was with freaked the fuck out and kind of worried me a bit. i called my mother and she tried to find me and it didn't work so she had to call the police and they had to come into the woods to find me. i was 3 miles or so from where i entered the woods lol

16. Have you ever done something really unbelievable, only to have no one around to see it? What was it?

i'm sure i've done something, lol. i'm a pretty unbelievable person but i don't know right now

17. Name something you consider to be completely unforgivable, no matter what the circumstances. Why is it so egregious to you? What should happen to someone who does it?

rape. they should be put away for the rest of their life

18. If you were exiled, what country would you choose as your new home?

ireland!

19. What’s the last time that you were really happy? What were you doing? Who were you with? What made that time so special?

well i mean, i'm really happy right now. i'm watching some youtube videos and obviously doing surveys. i'm by myself and nothing is special about it right now