#my toenail probably won’t fall off it didn’t the last time this happened

[roseandgold137]

hurt my toe. Ow

[tanyawritesstories]

Close Encounters | Kit Fisto x Reader

After 6 hours of writing I have finally completed my first request! Which you can view here. I had planned on this being short but then got carried away, I hope the anon who requested this enjoys and so does everyone else who reads it!

@venomous-ko asked me to tag them. @savagesbonergarage @blue-space-porgs I think y'all might like this too 😉

Word count: 4.2k

Warnings: NSFW, smut, oral (f receiving), handjobs, dirty talk, Master and Padawan relationship, groping, cliffhanger, sexual tension for days, kissing, biting, fingering, all the usual good stuff 😋

•••

You waited patiently in the training room for your master to arrive. You had gotten there a little early and decided to stretch while you waited for him, he had told you this morning that you would be practicing your lightsaber combat and more hand-to-hand combat training since you hadn’t gotten much of it yet.

Since you didn't have anything you had to do after this, you were wearing comfortable athletic clothes: knee length leggings, tank top, cute sports bra, and the belt that held your lightsaber. The training room was empty right now, most everyone else in different classes or occupied with important things. You were grateful for the privacy but also scared of it, you knew that same palpable tension would hang in the air the second your master walked in.

Kit Fisto was a unique Jedi. As a Jedi Master and council member he was a strong and dependable individual, he was different in that he wasn’t as serious as all the other Jedi Masters. He was capable of smiling and laughing and had a carefree and kind spirit, it made him a favorite with younglings and Jedi knights alike. Not to mention with the soldiers of his underwater unit, you’d lost track of how many men you suspected had a crush on your Master. You thought made you laugh.

Then there was your relationship with him, it was strong but recently had taken a strange turn. You noticed he was spending a lot more time with you and using nicknames like: ‘starlight’ and ‘little flower’ for you. They were endearing and cute, which was also part of your issue. The crush you had on your Master was against the Jedi code, but again, lately it has gone further. You found yourself daydreaming of your Master with you in intimate situations, thank the Maker your mind was well guarded. The flash images of you and him tangled up in the sheets, how you imagined his lips would feel on your skin, how his fingers would feel as they toyed with your clit, how his cock would feel as-

You shook your head, clearing the images away. There you go again. The dreams and the close encounters with your Master had culminated in a sexual tension between the two of you. For all you knew, you could be the only one feeling it, maybe Kit was unaffected. You were lucky that you were able to hide the fact that he affected you so much, both with your mind and by acting normal and calm.

You stood up and stretched, bending in half to touch your toes, feeling the slight pull in your calves. You took a deep breath and relaxed, making sure your muscles weren’t tight and wouldn’t cause an injury.

“Good evening, my Padawan.”

The cheery voice called out and you froze for a second before standing up and turning around. Your master wore a bright smile and positive attitude that was infectious. You smiled back and greeted him. “Evening, master.” You could have sworn you saw his eyes look you up and down before he turned around. You wondered why and then remembered that you had been bent in half with your ass facing the door. You could feel your cheeks heat up and tried to force the sensation back. Kit whisked off his shirt, leaving him in loose fitting shorts. You sucked in a breath and looked at the floor, admiring the work you had done on your painted toenails. You flinched when he put a finger under your chin and tilted your head up to look at him.

“Are you ready?” He asked. You unconsciously leaned into his touch, melting under his admiring gaze. “Yes, Master Fisto,” you answered. He smirked. “Remember, call me Kit when it’s just us, flower,” he said, tapping your hip next to your lightsaber. “Get ready.” You shook yourself out of your stupor and took your lightsaber in hand, activating it. Kit took his stance and activated his own blade.

You remembered your previous training and took a calming breath before lunging at him. Your blow was easily blocked and shoved aside, you used your momentum to land a kick to his chest with your bare foot. Kit took the kick in stride and rolled backwards perfectly, coming to a stand effortlessly. You sighed, slightly frustrated. Kit swung at you this time, you blocked the first swing easily and just barely blocked the next several. Lightsaber combat was fast and required extreme concentration, one misstep could spell catastrophe.

You exchanged blows, the heat from the weapons increasing the heat in the room. You were sweating, your tank top sticking to your body, making parts of it see through. Without his shirt, you could see the beads of sweat rolling down Kit’s chest. You tried not to notice it but you looked for a second too long and felt a spike of heat near your hip. You pulled away and looked to see your shirt had been burnt through to your skin, which was, thankfully, untouched. You heard Kit sigh lightly.

“You need to maintain focus, little one,” he gently scolded. “Yes, Kit,” you said staring at the floor. Whether or not he had seen you staring at his chest you didn’t know, but disappointing him was never something you wanted to do. “How about we get to hand-to-hand training now, huh?” He smiled reassuringly at you and you nodded. You tossed your saber, and the belt it was held on, away. “What am I learning today?” You asked curiously. “We are going to work on your takedowns,” Kit replied, pulling a cushiony landing mat over. You smiled, the idea sounded fun.

Kit brought you over and stood across from you. “The first maneuver I want you to do is when someone grabs you from behind,” he explained, “let me show you.” You barely hid the nervous gulp you took before turning around and backing up a little. Kit made a noise of affirmation before you felt his arms wrap around your middle and you jumped. “You alright?” He asked, his voice close to your ear. “Yes,” you breathed, placing your hands on his arms, “you just startled me, that’s all.” He chuckled in your ear which sent a shiver down your spine and an aching in the bottom of your stomach. “I’m sorry, starlight. It won’t happen again.”

“Alright, so if someone were to grab you like this...” Kit explained, he tightened his grip around your middle and gently pulled. You gasped at the sensation and hoped he didn’t hear you. “...I want you to swing your elbow back to try and hit my face, alright?” You nodded, your breathing getting shallow as you turned your head and saw how close his face was to yours. You pulled your arm in towards you before swinging it out fast, stopping just before it hit Kit in the head. “Like that?” You asked weakly, your elbow relaxing and you draped it over his shoulder. “Just like that,” he whispered. Fuck, his deep voice was doing things to you, the deep timbre worming its way into your ears and settling in between your legs.

“What you do next is put the same arm around my head, use my shoulder for leverage and jump over my other shoulder, make sense?” You smiled and giggled, honestly not knowing what he just explained. “No, I’m sorry, Kit,” You continued giggling, “I’m going to need you to show me.” Kit pushed a strand of hair away from your ear and chuckled with you. “That’s alright, I’ll help you. Just do as I say,” he instructed. Kit took your elbow and pulled it over his head to his other shoulder. You rested your hand against his back, his silky smooth skin warm and you could feel his muscles move under his skin. You hoped he didn’t know what he was actually doing to you.

“Ok, now push off me and use the Force to help you jump over the shoulder your hand was just on. When you do that, turn and land on your feet, I’ll be dragged onto my back and you will have the advantage. See how that works?” He further explained. You looked away, thinking and rehearsing the moves in your head. "I think I got it," you said. You turned your head to look back at him a little too quick and bumped your cheek on his nose, causing you both to laugh. He maintained eye contact with you for a few seconds longer and you saw his eyes darken in the slightest bit. "Alright, c'mon you've got this," Kit encouraged. He counted down and you moved.

You jumped up, using the one arm to push off as well as your feet. With the aid of the Force, you easily swung your body out of his grip and over his other shoulder. You both went careening backwards but you landed gracefully on your knees while Kit landed flat on his back, his fall cushioned by the mat. “Excellent!” He praised. You smiled wide and stood up, offering him your hand to get up. He took it and you pulled him to stand, you didn’t realize how much strength you had put into it until Kit was standing and still moving towards you with his momentum. You reached out to stop him from crashing on top of you.

“Sorry about that, little flower. Lost my balance,” he apologized. You both held each other’s gaze, the tension in the air was so thick it could probably be cut with a lightsaber. You broke away after a moment and that’s when you realized that your hands were placed on his bare chest. Heat rushed to your face and you promptly removed your hands, murmuring an apology under your breath. You could feel Kit’s eyes linger on you for a little longer before he began instructing you on the next takedown move.

“This one is fairly simple. I swing at you, you grab my arm, turn around, and flip me over your back.” You nodded along with his words, you’d seen this move done before and knew it wasn’t as difficult as the last one. “When I swing at you, grab my wrist, turn and pull me into your back. It has to be one smooth motion to let’s try just that a couple times,” Kit explained. You agreed and took your position.

Kit threw a punch and stopped when his arm was outstretched. “I grab the inside of your wrist, right?” You asked, and Kit confirmed. You grabbed his wrist with both hands and turned your back to him, pulling his arm across your chest. “Alright, good. Now do that again but pull me into your back.” You reset your positioning and breathed. Kit punched again but didn’t stop his arm this time, you grabbed his wrist and turned, pulling his chest to your back.

He collided into you with more force than you thought, you could feel the bare skin of his chest against your back where your top didn’t cover, you also felt something pressing into your ass. You froze. There was no way, this couldn’t be happening, the hardness against your ass was not what you thought it was. You tried to convince yourself and breathed in shakily, you pushed back on him accidentally while trying to move your foot and his other hand gripped your hip tight.

“Shh,” you heard him whisper. You tried to move away but he held you firmly and you just ended up grinding into him more, he groaned in your ear and your suspicions were confirmed. You could feel the wetness pooling at the apex of your thighs and your breathing become shallow. How long had he been hard for? His other arm you still had clutched to your chest and you felt his hand twist slightly, giving him the perfect angle to rest his hand over your breast. He squeezed gently and you barely bit back a moan.

“Master-”

“Just finish the move,” he rasped out, releasing his grip on your hip.

You pulled away and avoided eye contact as you moved to complete the takedown all the way through. You grabbed his wrist, turned, pulled his back to your chest, ignoring the feeling of his erection pressing into your ass again. In one smooth motion you, with the help of the Force, hoisted your master up and over you, sending him sprawling onto the mat. You kept ahold of his arm and your eyes met, you felt your pussy clench around nothing as his eyes were dark as night, filled with lust. You chanced a glance further down his body and saw the prominent tent in his shorts. Your mouth fell open and your eyes flicked between his eyes and his dick.

Tension and silence filled the room until Kit made a move.

He spun around on his back to face you and tugged on your arm that was still holding him, sending you toppling down onto him. Kit cupped your face with his other hand and crushed his lips to yours in a fiery kiss. It took a few seconds for your brain to register what exactly was happening, as soon as it did, you were kissing back. Kit parted his lips and ran his tongue over your bottom lip, nibbling gently, asking for entrance. You opened and Kit’s tongue entered your mouth, your tongues swirling together. Kit pushed off the floor and rolled you both over so he was on top of you, devouring you in his kisses. You wrapped your arms around his back and pulled him closer to you, Kit was holding himself above you with his arms and he experimentally ground his clothed cock against your center.

You broke away at the sensation of him grinding against you, you let out a loud moan and looked Kit in the eyes, he stilled. “Do you want this?” He asked, breathless. “Yes,” you breathed, “more than anything.” You pulled Kit down for another blazing kiss, during which you could feel his hands slipping under your tank top and pushing it up. You broke away just for him to pull it all the way off and toss it somewhere in the room. You wrapped your legs around his waist and Kit kissed you once more before moving down to suck and bite marks into your neck.

You almost couldn’t believe this was happening, had your master really had the hots for you the entire time and you had no idea. It was something you’d have to ask him later. A sharp nip to your collarbone had you crying out again and you wove a hand through his head tendrils. “Kit….” you moaned. He broke away from your neck and chuckled. “Needy, aren’t you?” He teased. He undid your bra and pulled it over your head, throwing that away also and revealing your breasts. You heard him curse under his breath and he gently took them in his hands. “You are stunning, my dear,” he cooed. You bit your lip and whined, watching as his mouth descended on one of your nipples. Your back arched, pushing your chest further into his hands and mouth. You moaned as you felt his tongue trace around your pebbled bud, finally flicking over it a few times and sucking hard.

You mewled, feeling more slick seep out of you as Kit sucked on one breast and his hand massaged the other. He switched and gave your other breast the same attention, his other hand snaking its way down your body. Your nails scratched up Kit’s back but he seemed to be enjoying it, letting out moans and grunts while kissing and sucking your tits. His wandering hand found its destination and he rubbed your heat through your leggings, finding them wet through. He pulled away and sat up on his knees.

“Look at you, soaked through your leggings. Do you need me to take care of you, little one?” He asked. You nodded rapidly. “Yes, please Kit. I’ve wanted you for so long,” you pleaded. Kit chuckled and reached for the waistband of your leggings, pulling them off in one fluid motion. His eyes widened at the sight and he could feel his dick twitch in his shorts. Kit looked up at you. “No panties?” He questioned. “My my, such a filthy little thing you are.”

You whined again, desperate for any sort of attention where you needed it most. Kit spread your legs and watched as your folds parted, he groaned at the sight and ran two fingers up and down your soaking slit. You released high pitched moans and tried to stay still as the pleasure wracked through your body. “You’re positively dripping, starlight. Is all this for me?” Kit asked in awe. “Yes, all for you Kit. You a-always make me this wet…” you said, your body jolting with pleasure. Kit swirled his fingers around your clit and you nearly shouted, he moved them lower and sunk two fingers into your dripping hole. Your eyes closed, the electric feeling coursing through your body as Kit started pumping his fingers.

He kept them at a steady pace and you were about to beg for more when you heard him ask you to open your eyes. You opened your eyes and looked down your body to see that Kit had moved to lay between your spread legs. Before you could say anything he was licking long stripes up your cunt, flicking his tongue around your clit and slurping up all your juices.

“You taste heavenly, little flower,” he purred. Kit slipped his tongue inside and curled it, practically scooping your wetness into his mouth. Your eyes closed and your head flew back, your moans and cries of his name mixing on your tongue. His tongue felt like liquid gold inside you, reaching parts of you that you didn't know you had and dragging pleasure from your body like a talented artist stroking against his pliant canvas.

Kit removed his tongue and replaced it with his fingers while his tongue gave your clit attention. His fingers pumping in and out, their pace picking up and Kit curled them, hitting that secret spot of heaven inside you. Your hands flew to the back of Kit’s head and pressed him impossibly closer, your fingers entwining in his lekku. Kit continued to drown himself in your cunt, he was hard as a rock in his shorts and wanted nothing more than to sink into your warm body and stay forever.

Kit worked on repeatedly hitting your sweet spot with his fingers, he could tell you were getting close and he wanted you a wet slippery mess before you took his cock. He sped up the pace of his fingers making sure to hit that spot with every thrust.

"K-kit," you cried, "I'm, I'm close..” He broke away from your pussy to speak to you. “I know. Cum for me, little flower, soak my fingers,” he begged. Kit returned his mouth to your clit and sucked hard, your hips bucked up and Kit quickly held them down as your orgasm flowed through you. The pleasure was blinding and you threw your head back once more, ecstasy surging through your body, you saw white and opened your mouth to scream Kit’s name.

He worked you through intense bliss, he stopped his ministrations and sat up again watching you catch your breath, your eyes still closed. While you were distracted, he removed the rest of his clothes.

You slowly came down from the mind blowing orgasm that Kit gave you, you opened your eyes and whimpered at the sight before you. Kit was finally naked and Maker he was gorgeous. Now that you were allowed to look at him you noticed his broad chest and strong, toned body. The expanse of his pretty green skin got slightly darker around his thick cock. Kit had a knowing look on his face as you said nothing, only reached out for him, he took your hand in one of his and kissed the back of it lovingly. His other hand traveled down and slowly stroked over his length, you whimpered and mewled as you watched him touch himself. Kit could almost see more of your juices pouring out of you and he smirked. He took your hand in his other one and brought it to his cock where you wanted it.

He guided your hand up and down his shaft and you twisted your wrist as you worked him. His skin was even softer and you wanted it in your mouth immediately, you smeared around the clear and sticky precum leaking out of his pointed and swollen tip. The little grunts and groans that spilled from Kit’s lips were music to your ears, but you wanted to make him moan. You tugged a little harder on his cock and Kit’s chest rose and fell faster with his breathing. He suddenly clamped his hand over yours, stopping your movements.

“Your hands feel amazing, starlight,” he gasped, “but I’m not cumming without being inside you.” You gasped and Kit draped himself over the top of you again. You grabbed the back of his neck and brought him in for another kiss, tasting yourself on his tongue and lips. “I need you to fuck me, Kit, please,” you begged. “I will, are you on-” “Yes, I’m on something, pleeeaasse,” you whined. You could feel his cock resting against your stomach and needed it inside your body. “Patience, little one. I’ll give you what you want,” Kit purred in your ear. He rested his forehead against yours as he reached down and slid his cock up and down your slit, collecting your juices. He pumped himself a couple times before lining up and pushing inside you slowly.

Your breath was stolen from you and your mouth hung open. Lords he was big. His cock stretched you deliciously as he continued to sheath himself within you. “Ooohh, fuck,” Kit groaned, closing his eyes as he bottomed out. You both stared into each other’s eyes, catching your breath and getting used to the feeling of being connected. Kit lowered his lips to yours, your walls were squeezing him so tight he didn’t know how he was going to pull out much. You once again wrapped your legs around Kit’s waist and dug your nails into his back. You had expected it to hurt when he entered you, given his size, but all you felt was mind numbing pleasure that encompassed your entire being.

You nodded once you were used to him and Kit slowly started moving, pulling out halfway before slamming back in. You yelped and begged for more. “Kit, please. I want you Kit, I need you to make me cum. Fuck, please!!” You rambled. Kit chuckled and picked up his pace, knowing he wouldn’t last long with how tight you were and how close he already was. “Stars above, YN,” Kit moaned, “fuck, you’ve got the tightest little pussy I’ve ever felt.” His pace increased again and he was slamming in and out of you, the sound of skin slapping together and panting filled the empty training room.

You kissed again and Kit reached down to play with your clit. Your sweaty bodies sticking together, both of you in a new kind of euphoria previously undiscovered. “Look at you, fuck, you look so beautiful like this. You gonna cum on my cock now, flower?” Kit panted. You had no words, none could enter your mind, the only thing you could think of was how good Kit was making you feel and how you never wanted it to stop. You nodded frantically, moaning loud and pulling Kit closer to you.

He pressed hard on your clit at the same time he bit onto your neck and you were sent over the edge of ecstasy. You screamed his name and convulsed around him, your cunt clamping down on him and gushing all over his cock. Kit released your neck and growled deep in your ear as his balls tightened and, with a few more thrusts, his seed was spilling inside you. You both stilled, connected together and finally sated.

After a couple minutes you fully came down from your highs and your eyes met. You smiled and Kit smiled brightly back at you, before you both started laughing. "This isn't exactly the way I had hoped you'd find out about my feelings for you," Kit confessed. You shook your head. "Me neither, but I'm glad it happened," you said. "Me too," Kit whispered, leaning down to kiss you again. You could feel Kit start to soften inside you but he made no move to pull away from you.

You nuzzled your nose into Kit's cheek. "I love you, Kit," you whispered. Kit in turn kissed the tip of your nose, making you giggle. "And I love you, Y/N," he said. "My little flower." You both smiled and connected your lips in another kiss. You both barely heard the sound of someone clearing their throat until a familiar Kel Dor voice spoke.

"Well, what do we have here?"

[fandom-imagines-stories]

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Gif credit @rainbow-motors

Dean Winchester x Reader 

Words: 1518

Summary: Alone on a hunt for the holidays, 19-year-old Dean calls up his childhood friend. 

Notes: I’ve been obsessed with Young Jensen content and I found this gif (Thanks to the creator!) and I really wanted to write something for a younger Dean. Call me lazy, but I didn’t want to include the hunt itself in this one. I thought writing the moments before and after would be cute, so enjoy! (Bit of a mess, but I hope you like it)

Want more Supernatural? Find it HERE

-

“Hey Sammy, it’s me,” Dean started the voicemail grimly. It was the third one he’d left for his younger brother, “I know you’re not happy with me and that’s why you won’t take my calls, but dammit man, I’ll be back as soon as I can. It’s just another hunt Sam. I’ll be back before you can say Hanukkah.” He thought for a moment before finishing. “Merry Christmas, Sammy.” 

He ended the message and tossed his phone on the motel bed with a huff. He knew Sam was pissed about him going on a hunt alone, especially over Christmas, but he didn’t think the silent treatment was going to last this long. Dad gave him an order and he wasn’t going to let him down. 

Dean sat down in front of a pile of books and sighed. He hated the research parts of hunts. He just wanted to kill the son-of-a-bitch. Unfortunately, he wasn’t totally sure what this particular son-of-a-bitch was. Over the course of seven years, 15 kids have gone missing right around Christmas time. No notes, no bodies, nothing. If his dad had any theories, he certainly hadn’t shared them. So research time it was. 

About three hours and two illegally obtained beers later, he had a couple of theories ready. It didn’t seem like a spirit or vampires, and without heartless bodies, it wasn’t a werewolf. Since the disappearances always happened around the holidays, he figured that the creature might have Pagan roots. Either that, or it could be a Grinch of a witch somewhere. Whatever it was, it was sure putting a dent in his holiday. 

Maybe that’s why he dialed the number. Sure, his dad told him he needed to do this on his own, but if it really was some Pagan entity, he wasn’t really sure he could take it on by himself- not that he would ever tell his father that. As far as his dad was concerned, Dean could handle anything that the dark world threw at him. But right now, looking at the Christmas lights through the frosty motel window, he wanted a friend. 

“Jack Frost, can’t say I was expecting a call from you.” Your amused voice made Dean smile. You had the phone wedged between your shoulder and your ear as you painted your toenails Christmas Tree green. Just because you were a badass hunter didn’t mean you couldn’t be festive. 

“Hey Y/N,” Dean chuckled, pushing away from the book covered table and cracking open another beer, “how’ve things been on your side of the Midwest?” 

“Oh, you know, vengeful spirit here, vampire there, nothing too exciting.” You twisted the top back on the polish and hopped off the bathroom counter, being careful when you walked so you didn’t get any polish on the carpet. “Mom’s been off with the twins, trying to give them a little bit of a normal Christmas up in Oregon.” 

“Why aren’t you with them?” Dean wondered. Your family wasn’t like his family. You and your mom somehow made it work. You weren’t usually separated, at least not for long. 

“I had a hunch that someone else was going to be needing me this year.” Dean let out a long, frustrated groan.

“Sam called you, didn’t he?” 

“Sammy boy was worried that you’d have a lonely Christmas so he asked me to hang around in case you needed some help.” You shrugged.

“Hang around? What do you mean hang around?” 

“Come to room 114 and find out Dean-o.” With a smirk, you hung up and waited at the foot of your bed, flipping through channels on the television. You settled on a channel that was playing The Year Without a Santa Claus. 

When you heard the knock on the door you walked on your heels to open it. Dean gave you an annoyed glare, but you could tell he was happy to see you. He barreled passed you, nearly knocking you off balance. 

“Watch the feet!” You whined, pointing at your newly painted toes. Dean rolled his eyes. 

“You painted your toenails?” He scoffed. “What are you? 13?” 

“Don’t be a Scrooge, they look nice.” You had long been able to handle Dean’s snarkiness. 

Your mother had run into John Winchester back in 1990 on a spirit case. Dean was 11, you were 10 and Sam and the twins were about 7. While your parents took down the ghost, you and Dean had to babysit. While he was obnoxious at first, the two of you got along pretty well. You bonded over being the oldest siblings, constantly having to look out for your kid brothers, worrying whether or not your parents would come home, remembering the parent that you’d lost, for Dean, it was his mother to a demon, for you it was your dad to a werewolf. 

After that, John and your mom would sometimes meet up if only to have you and Dean look after the younger kids. You even ended up going to the same high school for a while. Dean was probably the closest thing you had in your monster-hunting world to a best friend. And you, not that he would ever say it, were the closest thing he’d ever had to a crush. 

“I think I may have a lead on what we’re looking for here.” You informed, tossing him your journal. Astonished, Dean scanned the page. 

“How did you-”

“I’ve been researching gods in my free time.” 

“You are such a nerd.” Dean scoffed, taking a closer look at something you wrote. 

“Yeah well this nerd has saved your ass more than a fair share so shut it, Winchester.” You smirked, snatching back your journal. “Based on the case files of the missing kids, I have an idea of who we might be dealing with. Gryla is from Icelandic folklore and she, uh, eats naughty children.” 

“And here I complained about the coal.” Dean grimaced. 

“If we don’t figure out where she is, these kids become Christmas dinner.” While you dove into more research, Dean looked over your shoulder at the TV. 

“Are those puppets?” 

You scrambled to turn off the TV, but Dean stole the remote. 

“It’s a Christmas classic.” You reasoned, feeling yourself turn red. “I watched it with the twins all the time when we were kids.” 

“I think it’s adorable.” He leaned ever so closer to you without realizing it. Like a magnet pulling you together, you found yourself inching closer and closer until-

“Are we going to hunt this thing or not?” You suddenly exclaimed, backing away quickly. He was just kidding around. Dean was always pretty flirty. It was just part of your friendship. He didn’t feel that way about you- the way you felt about him. 

-

You burst through your motel room door, half carrying Dean in with you. In a panicked rush, you sat him down on the bed and scrambled to find your first aid kit. 

“At least we beat the damn thing, right?” Dean smirked before wincing at the pain. His wound wasn’t life threatening, but it sure hurt like a bitch. 

“This is going to hurt.” You warned, turning on the radio to drown out any pained sounds that Dean made. As you cleaned the wound, his eyes were locked on you. You tried not to notice. It was the pain that was making him look at you like that. You covered the wound with a bandage and put a fair distance between the two of you. You hoped he couldn’t see how much you were shaking. 

“Everything okay?” Dean asked. 

“Yeah, yeah everything’s fine, Dean.” You lied, laughing nervously. “I just got kinda freaked out when I saw her attack you.” 

“You sure that’s all that’s bothering you?”

“I thought you were going to die, Dean, I think that’s a sufficient reason to be a little jittery.” Dean got up from his place on the bed and walked towards you. 

“We’ve known each other for how long, Y/N? I can tell when you’re not telling me the whole story.” 

You ignored him, electing to listen to the Christmas music coming from the radio instead. It was one of your favorites. You mouthed the words to yourself. 

“Through the years, we all will be together. If the fates allow.” 

“Fate hasn’t exactly been our friend.” You scoffed. 

“Huh?”

“The song. It says ‘if the fates allow’. Fate doesn’t seem to like us this year.” 

“I don’t believe in all that.” Dean said, shaking his head. “And if I did, it looks like ‘fate’ has had it out for me for the past fifteen years.” 

“Fair enough.” You crossed your arms over your chest, watching snow start to fall outside the window. Neither of you said anything. You both just watched the white flecks tumble down to the earth. You turned around and found him standing right behind you. It didn’t startle you. It felt like he was meant to be close to you. You breathed in slowly before whispering. “Merry Christmas Dean.” 

“Merry Christmas.” 

You didn’t need any mistletoe for what came next. 

[astarryon]

Promise Me

Red is a Wondrous Color

Warnings: Gentle jealousy

Chapter Summary: Spencer knew he started wearing scarves for a reason.

Masterlist

Chapter One: You’ll Always Have Me

It isn’t often that Spencer is left feeling powerless.

It happens on occasion. As unfortunate as it is, it’s a hazard of the job and comes with the territory, and, more out of necessity than anything else, Spencer has gotten very good at recognizing that there will always be those certain situations that he can’t control. His genetic predisposition to schizophrenia, always dancing at the back of his mind, the possibility of what awaits him in the future a constant taunt he’s never quite been able to ease. That nasty drug habit he’d picked up all those years ago, one he hasn’t acted on since finally getting clean but that his nerves always ache to feed when he gets just a little too stressed to cope. Those particularly difficult cases where the unsub turns out to be little more than a kid and he can’t seem to find the right words to get everyone out of a hostile situation safely, the results of which usually manifest in someone who the world didn’t try hard enough for dying right in front of his eyes.

But just because it doesn’t happen often doesn’t mean it never happens, and as Spencer wraps his scarf around his throat before exiting Quantico into the abnormally wintry air, his eyes fall upon your form standing in the distance, and — not for the first time where you’re concerned, though recalling how many times it’s actually happened is just a little too embarrassing to stomach for the night — he stops dead in his tracks in awe.

Red is Spencer’s favorite color on you. It’s taken some time for him to figure that out. Flashy as it is, you never have the chance to wear much of it in the field, which is a loss he takes the time to mourn whenever he recalls the team’s last Christmas party at Rossi’s, when you’d been clad in a dress of silk and crimson and insisted he sway along to Billie Holiday with you in the living room despite his meek protests. Something about that dress brought out the rose blush in your cheeks, set your eyes off with mischief and delight, made the fringe of your lashes appear that much darker. It also made his mind wander with thoughts he’s still not entirely sure he’s allowed to have, so he’d gazed at you as respectfully as he could and tried not to focus too much on the feel of your breath against his neck.

It’s a wondrous color, red. An enchanting color.

And you’re wearing it now as you stand with your arms crossed over your chest to serve as protection from the cold, though he’s not really sure how much that’ll help with the expanse of your legs, moonlit and glittering, bared to the wind. You’re also bawling your eyes out, and it’s noticing this that finally stops Spencer standing there like an idiot with his mouth hanging open and starts his feet carrying him toward you at a pace that would make Morgan proud.

“Are you okay?” Spencer asks, and he immediately has to squash the urge to kick himself. You’re standing here, alone in the cold, dressed like that and openly sobbing. It doesn’t take a profiler to see that nothing is okay for you right now.

Your eyes widen at the sound of his voice, and he might take the time to marvel at how cute you look when startled if he wasn’t otherwise preoccupied with concern for your well-being. “Oh,” you breathe, hands instantly reaching up to swat at the tears trailing messily down your face. It won’t do you any good, not with the black streaks of mascara staining your skin, but Spencer knows enough not to point that out. “H-Hey, Spence. I thought you’d have gone home by now.”

“Yeah, I was supposed to,” he responds, trying for a kind, reassuring smile and remaining unsure of whether it actually appears. Try as he might, he can’t bring himself to care. He doesn’t want to pretend not to notice your pain, even though he knows you probably rather he do. What he does want is... something he doesn’t think he can have. “I got a little caught up going over my closing report. What about you? You left a couple hours ago, didn’t you?”

“I did,” you sniff, and Spencer is suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to reach up and wipe the rest of the tears from your face himself. “Um... I had a date, actually.”

“Oh,” he says, making a concentrated effort to keep his voice light. “And you... came back to the office?”

A bitter laugh escapes your lips, though it comes out more as a garbled choke. “Yeah, I guess it didn’t go so well. I was going to go home, but at some point I turned around and kind of just... ended up here.” You shrug, your eyes falling to the ground, and Spencer follows your gaze down to your red toenails, gleaming in the lamp light and contrasting starkly against the black of your strappy heels. “I just didn’t think I could handle being alone right now. So.”

It’s difficult not to make assumptions in that moment, and though he tries, he feels his chest swell with an inappropriate surge of protectiveness. Again, it doesn’t take a profiler to read the implications of this situation, or to know that something has to have gone terribly wrong in the three hours since he’s last seen you. He can’t do much about the crying — he’s never been good with tears, no matter who they’re coming from — but his mind tumbles violently with the possibilities of what all could have gone wrong on your date, and his limbs itch to track down whoever’s responsible for getting you to this point of emotional distress and... and... telling them off with some strong vocabulary at the very least.

But there’s no use in that. He can’t change what’s already happened, and he doubts you’d let him go and yell at whoever’s done this to you. Anyway, you’re standing here in front of him, wide eyed and shivering. He might not be able to do much about the crying — he might not even be able to do anything about the reason for your crying. But... maybe there’s a chance he can soothe the pain, at least a little.

“What about you?”

Your voice startles him out of his reverie, bringing him back to full consciousness of the situation at hand, and he’s embarrassed that he’s gotten so caught up in thoughts of defending you that he actually has no idea what you’re asking him. “Me?”

You nod, a wobbly smile edging at the corners of your ruby red lips. So much red. It really does suit you wonderfully. “Yeah, you. You don’t have any plans tonight?” He furrows his brow, searching your face for any hint of your meaning. Three seconds later, and his obvious cluelessness manages to pull a more substantial laugh out of you. “It’s Valentine’s Day, Spencer. Don’t tell me you forgot.”

“I didn’t,” he defends, and it isn’t untrue. Morgan spent the whole day detailing his extravagant plans for the night, Will had sent in quite the rose bouquet for JJ, and even Hotch had been quite a bit more preoccupied with his phone than was typical. Valentine’s Day. Reid knows it’s a special day to the calendar, but it doesn’t hold any significance for him. “But, no, no plans. I was actually just on my way home to skim over Dante’s Inferno.”

You scrunch your eyebrows in a sarcastic manner, and Spencer’s just relieved that he’s managed to cheer you up enough that you let your eyes wander back to his face. “What is that, like, the sixth time this week?”

He shrugs a shoulder, unsure as to the reason for the flush of embarrassment creeping up his neck. “Classics never get old.” And then, because he’s an idiot with an ironically one track mind where you’re involved, he adds, “I... like your dress. You look really beautiful tonight.”

“You’re sweet,” you murmur, unsuccessfully attempting to conceal another sniffle. Not at all, actually. ‘Sweet’ implies deception. ‘Sweet’ makes it sound like he’s just trying to soothe your ego with flattery, which couldn’t be further from the truth. He’s not saying it because he thinks you want to hear it, he’s saying it because it’s the truth and he knows it like he knows the sky is blue and the earth is green. He wishes he could convince you to see it that way. “Shame it’s going to have to go to waste, huh? Guess there’s always next year.

“Well it... doesn’t have to,” he stammers. “Go to waste, I mean.” He’s not sure where the bravery for his outburst comes, and he doesn’t particularly care to pursue figuring it out. His senses are screaming at him, going into shock with the sudden uptake in adrenaline pumping through his body, but he only swallows and forces himself to finish. “Not if you don’t want it to.” You only blink at him in silent confusion, trying to puzzle together his meaning. His heart hammers against his chest so hard it’s a wonder you can’t seem to hear it. “There’s a planetarium in town that’s staying open late for the night. When you lay back in the seats under the projector and look up at the stars you lose your central sense of gravity and trick your body into experiencing a floating sensation. It can be kind of off putting at first, but it helps to hold onto something. Which—“ He should really quit while he’s ahead —  “you could hold my hand. If you wanted to. And we could, we could go to the planetarium. Together.”

He watches as you blink, once, then twice, then three times, and all the while his heart’s pace never deadens for even a moment. When your eyes finally focus back on him, eons have passed and stars have expanded into supernovas, all within a few short moments. “You’re… Spencer, are you offering to take me on a date?”

Yes.

No.

... Yes.

The wind picks up suddenly, ruffling your skirt in the breeze, caressing the loose tendrils of your hair. The scent is so intoxicating that it nearly stops Spencer from noticing you shivering once again, and before he even knows what he’s doing, he’s unwinding his scarf from around his neck and taking a confident step toward you.

“Well, it’s like you said,” Spencer responds, wrapping the scarf over your bare shoulders. It’s grey wool and it doesn’t match your dress in the slightest, but he likes seeing you in something of his, and he especially like the way you instantly curl into the garment, inhaling his scent as deeply as he’d been inhaling yours off the breeze. “I don’t have any other plans, and it would be a shame for that dress to go to waste.” He offers his arm for you to accept, unable to pinpoint where this sudden burst of confidence is stemming from. He almost wishes Morgan were here to see it. “Would it make a difference if I promised to have you home by midnight?”

Again, you’re silent, save for another bout of sniffles. Spencer is horrified to see fresh tears brimming in your eyes, coupled with a wobbly frown, and is met with the sudden fear that he’s managed to screw this up — because he always screws things up for himself, even when he’s not trying and even when he’s actually just trying to find more reasons to smile. He’s made you cry now, too, which makes him no better than whichever monster ruined your night in the first place. Any second now you’ll recoil from his offer and tell him to get lost, at which point he will only be able to clutch his wounded pride, and—

You nudge his arm aside and barrel forward to wrap your arms around his middle instead, clutching him close and tight and squeezing just enough to make him feel like an offered lifeline. Well. If you hadn’t been able to hear his heartbeat before, there isn’t any way you don’t hear it now.

“I love you, Spence,” you murmur into his shoulder, and he’s so mesmerized by the perfect fit of your cheek against the base of his throat that he almost doesn’t totally register what it is you’ve just said. “I don’t tell you that near as much as I should.”

Butterflies. You’re prompting butterflies to flutter through his stomach. Like he’s nothing more than a twelve year old schoolboy with a crush on the sweetest girl in class.

“Let’s get going,” he chuckles, smiling down upon you with fondness as he steps back and winds his arm around yours. Huh. Maybe Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be so easily written off after all. “We don’t want to keep the stars waiting, do we?”

“No,” you laugh — actually laugh! — as you rest your head against his shoulder. “I don’t think we do.”

And as the two of you walk down the street, arm in arm, excitement and giddiness charging each and every one of your steps, Spencer can’t help but ponder the fact that he’d left work expecting one sort of inferno for the night and stepped out only to find himself engulfed in a different one entirely.

It’s almost kind of poetic.

—

Chapter Three: In the Name of Dry Shoes

[spnirwin]

Nobody Fights Alone - Part Five

Pairing: Eddie Diaz x reader

Word Count: 2,307

Warnings: Cancer

A/N: Part five!!! The penultamate chapter of Nobody Fights Alone! Co-written with @anotherspnfanfic. We have one more part coming your way in a couple days. We hope you enjoy! ☺️

Series Masterlist

Part Four

—

Slowly blinking your eyes open, you turned your head to look at the bed beside you. Eddie had his elbow on his pillow and his head rested against his palm. “Good morning, beautiful,” he whispered.

You smiled and rolled over to kiss him. “Good morning!”

“Waffles?” he asked, rolling out of bed and reaching his hand out for you to take. You tilted your head in confusion. “I can work a toaster. We have frozen waffles.”

You laughed. “That sounds perfect.” As you sat up to take Eddie’s hand, the smile dropped from his face. “What?”

He nodded towards your pillow. You turned to see two clumps of hair sitting there. Instantly, you ran your fingers through your hair, pulling them away to find another handful. Tears welled up in your eyes and Eddie was beside you again, pulling you into a hug.

“Shh, it’ll be okay. You still look beautiful.” He pulled back and wiped away your tears with his thumb. “I can shave my head, if that’ll make you feel better.”

“That’s sweet.” You chuckled and ran your hands through his hair. “Don’t you dare make this worse by taking your hair away from me, too.”

—

Eddie was getting ready for work. He was wandering around the apartment filling his duffel bag. “Are you sure about this?” he asked.

You raised an eyebrow in confusion. “About hanging out with Christopher today? Why wouldn't I be sure?”

“I mean, are you sure you feel okay?” he asked. “It’s not too late to have Carla come hang out with you guys.”

You stood and wrapped your arms around his neck. “I’m fantastic, and all we are doing is watching movies. I promise not to do anything more strenuous than that.” You leaned up to kiss him. “And besides, the station isn’t far away and neither is Carla. I’ll call if we need anything.”

He stared at you silently for a moment. “Alright, fine.” He said goodbye to Christopher and grabbed his bag to leave.

You gave him a hug and a kiss at the door and then turned around to face Christopher on the couch. “How about a Mutant Ninja Turtles marathon?” you asked.

He smiled. “Yeah!”

You made a big bowl of popcorn. Then, both of you got curled up on the couch and you started the movie. Within a few minutes, Christopher had explained Donatello was his favorite. After that, he was fully engrossed.

About an hour into the movie, Christopher looked over at you. You glanced over, meeting his eyes. “What’s up, kiddo?”

He broke into a big, bright smile and leaned over to hug you. “Love you, Y/N,” he said.

You hugged him back. “I love you, too. Thanks for hanging out with me today.”

—

Eddie was sitting on the couch at the station, listening to Hen talk about her dinner reservations for Karen. “Hey, Eddie, don’t you and Y/N have an anniversary coming up?” she asked.

He nodded. “Yeah. Tomorrow, actually.”

“What are you guys doing to celebrate?” Chim asked.

Eddie shook his head and glanced toward the floor. “Nothing, really. Probably order in Chinese and relax at home. Chemo has been kicking her ass this week. She probably won’t want to go out.”

“You don’t have to go out to do something special for her,” Hen said.

Chim added, “Yeah, a candlelight dinner goes a long way.”

Hen smiled and nodded. “Ooh, yes, and maybe a nice bubble bath.”

Buck shook his head. “Can we not talk about bubble baths and my sister, please?”

Everyone laughed.

“Hey, I could make you guys something special for dinner. If you want,” Bobby offered.

The next evening, Eddie had asked you to hang out in the bedroom because he had a surprise for you. You were excited to see what he was planning. He knocked on the door gently before pushing it open. “You ready?” he asked.

You nodded and stood from the bed. He took your hand and interlaced his fingers through yours. He led you into the kitchen where the table was set with a couple candles and a single red rose in a vase. There were also rose petals dusted around the plates. Tears welled up in your eyes at the sight. “Oh, my god. It’s beautiful.”

He smiled and leaned in to kiss you. “Happy Anniversary, corazón.”

“This is amazing. You are amazing.”

You both sat to eat. You shared favorite memories of your relationship, some of which had you in tears of laughter.

After dinner, he disappeared into the bathroom to run you a bath. The room was similarly filled with candles and rose petals. You soaked until your fingers started to get pruney. Finally, you curled up on the couch with Eddie and he turned on Dirty Dancing.

You smiled as it started. “It’s been forever since I watched this.”

Eddie pressed a kiss to your temple. “Buck mentioned it was always a favorite when you were younger.”

You fell asleep less than halfway through the movie. You stirred when Eddie carried you to bed. “Thanks for tonight. I love you,” you mumbled, still half asleep.

“I love you, too, more than you know.”

—

You were on the couch, cocooned in a mountain of pillows and blankets. Eddie and Christopher were getting ready to go out for the day to give you some time alone with Buck.

First, Christopher stopped in front of you and leaned in to give you a big hug. Next, Eddie leaned over and gave you a kiss. As he pulled away, he ran his fingers down your cheek.

“We gotta go,” he said. ”We’re going to be late for our movie. Buck will be here any minute.”

“Okay. Have fun.”

He bent down and pressed a kiss to your forehead before heading out the door. You heard Buck greet them in the hallway on his way into the apartment.

“Hey, sis,” he said, sitting on the couch by your feet. “What do you want to do today? I was thinking we could go for a nice, long run.” He laughed as you rolled your eyes.

“Ha, ha, very funny.” You kicked your feet over his leg and tossed him the remote. “You’re picking the movie today.”

He scrolled through titles for a minute before starting Monty Python and the Holy Grail. He set the remote aside then tossed the end of your blanket over your face. He laughed when you pouted at him.

You tried, unsuccessfully, to pinch his arm with your toes. “Ugh, I need a pedicure. It’s weird not having nail poilsh on.” You sighed.

Buck stood quickly and disappeared down the hall.

“Where are you going?” A moment later, you heard him opening cabinets in your bathroom. “What are you doing?”

He came back carrying your nail polish case. “Pick a color,” he said, setting the polish in front of you.

You gave him a sad smile. “I can’t paint my toenails, Ev.”

“Just pick a color.” He rolled his eyes.

You pulled out your favorite shade of blue and placed it in his waiting, outstretched hand. Next thing you knew, he was attempting to paint your toenails for you. You tried not to laugh every time he messed up a toe.

He finished and looked up at you with a goofy, proud smile. “Problem solved.”

You couldn’t contain your laugh any longer. “Uh, thanks, I think. Pretty sure there is more polish on my toes than the nails, but I appreciate your effort.”

—

You heard the front door open and close, followed by the sound of Eddie’s voice echoing through the apartment. The time on the clock on your bedside table read 5:32. He was home early. 

It was his day off and he had spent it with Buck. Your brother had decided he wanted to renovate his kitchen, which had quickly led Eddie to decide that he needed to help. Buck wasn’t exactly known for his skills with power tools, and you knew Eddie was concerned for his safety if he worked alone. 

Truth be told, you were grateful for the days of peace that their work provided you. You loved both men dearly, but their hovering was getting a little overwhelming. Having a couple days here and there that were silent, aside from the sound of your own breathing, was a blessing. You were a little over halfway done with your chemo treatments and they were kicking your butt. 

Some days, you could barely stand due to the nausea and dizziness. Other days you felt fine, as if nothing was happening. Thankfully, today was a good day physically. Your mental and emotional state, however, were not quite as strong.

You sat up in bed, pressing your fingers to your eyes while desperately hoping they weren’t too puffy. There was a gentle knock on the door before it opened and Eddie’s face was looking back at you. 

“Hey, Christopher said you weren’t feeling well.”  He entered the room, closing the door softly behind him. “Why did you call Carla to pick him up from school? I could’ve just left Buck’s early.” He crossed the room and sat down beside you on the bed. 

“I didn’t want to interrupt you guys,” you said with a shrug. In truth, you had called Carla because you knew she would leave you alone. You hadn’t wanted Eddie home because you weren’t ready to talk yet. He wasn’t afraid to push and could see through you in about two seconds. That’s exactly what he was doing currently as he studied your face. There was no more hiding from him. 

“What’s going on?” His voice was soft, almost a whisper. The tears you had been crying all day resurfaced, slipping down your cheeks in their familiar pattern. 

“I’m so tired of crying.” You barked out a short, humorless laugh. Crying had always been your reaction to any sort of strong emotion, but since beginning chemotherapy it seemed that you were doing it at the drop of a hat. 

“Well, talk to me about what’s going on in that head of yours. Maybe we can get the tears to stop for a bit.” Eddie was looking at you so earnestly that it was almost too much to bear. You were certain that you didn’t deserve him. 

“I shaved my head,” you said, slowly nodding your head. “I shaved my head because my hair started falling out. Now, I wear a wig because I’m too vain to let go of something as simple as my hair. If I can’t let go of my hair, how am I supposed to let go of my ability to have children?” You choked on the last word, barely audible through your growing sobs. 

“Hang on, back up. Take a breath. You lost me there at the end. What are you talking about?” Eddie’s brows furrowed together, clearly confused. 

“I found out today that chemotherapy can affect my fertility. I could go into early menopause, or it could damage my eggs. Even if I do wind up pregnant, the chances of having a miscarriage are much higher. Do you understand what that means for me? For us? No babies. Not together, anyway.” Your chest was heaving with the force of your breaths. You were nearing hysterical, unable to process this newfound information. 

“Oh, Y/N.” Eddie’s voice dripped with sadness and sympathy. He placed his hand on your leg and squeezed. “We don’t know for sure this is something that’s going to happen. I know it’s all overwhelming and this is just one more layer piling on. We’re going to need to take this one step at a time here, okay? When this is all over, we’ll go see a fertility specialist and get this figured out. As much as I would love to have kids with you, I’m thankful to just have you. It’s enough for me to just have you here and healthy. So let’s just focus on that right now, alright? Let’s get you healthy before we worry about what comes after. One step at a time.”

You bit your lip and nodded as you processed his words. He was right, as per usual. You needed to tackle one problem at a time instead of staring at the giant mountain in front of you. If you ended up not being able to have children at the end of all of this, that was something you could figure out together. 

You took a deep breath, the tears finally beginning to slow. “I’m sorry,” you whispered. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for. It’s a lot to handle all at once. You’re doing so much better than I ever could. You’re the strongest person I know.” Eddie smiled before pulling you into his chest. 

You sat together for a while, completely wrapped up in each other. Eddie’s love and support were endless, and you still couldn’t believe you had gotten so lucky with him. 

After a fair amount of time had passed, Eddie pulled back and looked at you. “Are you hungry? I can order a pizza, I’m sure our boy is starving out there.” He pointed towards the bedroom door and the living room beyond it.

You smiled and nodded, moving to get up off the bed. Before you could stand, Eddie pulled you closer one more time and pressed a kiss to your lips. “I love you,” he said softly. 

“I love you, too,” you replied. “And thank you.”

Sitting on the couch later that night with your feet jammed under Eddie’s leg and Christopher snuggled against you, you smiled. It was there that you realized that if your family stayed just like this for the rest of your life, you would still be the luckiest person in the world. 

—

Tags: @beth-winchester21 @ lovinnholland @ashtonirwin1234567 @jackiehollanderr @ylirasblog

[crqstalite]

do it for us. [mind blind]

HA yes I’m back again. With, unsurprisingly, more angst for Carmen Wiseman. Sort of sequel to do it for them, where Carmen gets some actual emotional help. Sort of.

carmen wiseman (they/them pronouns) + nick wiseman + salome alavidze. chapter 5 spoilers. words: 1,784

-

Black polish? Really button? Not even a little color?

Carmen groans, while Sally paints their last pinky toe black. No, they’re happy with the pitch black instead of something brighter. Matched their soul at least. The whiskey’s bitter while they sip out of it from a mug, and Nick had already berated them over drinking it, but at least it’s a good indicator of just how well they’re coping. They could’ve gone for the really hard stuff.

That’s not comforting, at all.

Comforting or not, no one said you had to comment either, Carmen thinks back before taking another sip out of the cup, the amber liquid burning the back of their throat, but otherwise numbing the sharper edges at the back of their mind. They’re better than they were when they were first in the hospital, sitting next to Nick’s bed with guilt drowning them like a tidal wave, but that didn’t mean that their emotions were making it any easier to process what was going on. Everything since then has been a blur. The Pollard Five is a welcome surprise, but something about it feels so...wrong. Like they don’t deserve it. Like they lost far too much to get it.

They’re not even sure they want it anymore, not after everything that’s happened.

At least have fun with Sally, after the days you’ve had, you deserve it. Though, you don’t have to be drunk to do it either, Nick responds back. His tone is getting testy, that much they know and it hurts them a little. He didn’t like them drinking, even when he was corporeal. Still, Button, it’s okay not to be okay. This isn’t my favorite situation either. But having an alcohol addiction as a newly minted adult and trainee MIV isn’t a great look. Or healthy.

I didn’t ask you for your opinion, Nicholas, They respond, their hands quivering when Sally hands them the remote. It isn’t as if one glass of whiskey was going to turn them into an addict, but they can’t really say they don’t like the taste. Better than what they’d had earlier at the cafe at least.

Fine, fine. I’m only saying, Nick answers.

Sally’s asking which movie to watch, maybe about Glitch in between titles.

Glitch.

Their cheeks warm at the thought of the man who’d held they in his arms this afternoon. It was nice. Very nice. The kiss he’d planted on their lips they’re still thinking about now. It’s the happiest they’ve been since...ever. He’d managed to loosen the tight ball of anxiety that’d wrapped itself around them for the few hours they’d been together.

And yet, when they split, they still felt cold. So cold. Their fingers are freezing, they can’t sit still. A flash of warmth flickers over their body, a cold sweat seeping into their clothes as they try to wrap their arms around each other.

Nick. Hooked up to too many machines for them count. Still. Not moving.

“Can I leave already?”

They almost left the hospital without visiting. At first, they hadn’t felt bad about the thought. They were tired, had been since then. The sirens had stayed in their head, ringing in their ears like an alarm. The antiseptic stuck to them, even after they left the hospital. All the wires, all the tests. The hushed talking, the grim outlooks.

Nick. Closed gray eyes. No jokes. No nagging them for being overly morbid.

Carmen...

It almost felt like they were watching themselves in the hospital room. They couldn’t bring any tears to spill down their cheeks like any distraught sibling should’ve been able to. They couldn’t bring themselves to want to stay any longer, like they should’ve. They couldn’t bring themselves to be the way they should’ve been, with their brother nearly dead and not even breathing on his own.

Nick. Blonde hair limp against the pillow instead of billowing in the wind when they went out together. Pale skin paler than it ever should’ve been.

He couldn’t squeeze their hand back, like when they were younger, and he would squeeze their’s to tell them that he loved them. They waited so long for him to.

Nick.

Their brother. The one who finished raising them.

They’re shaking now. They can’t get that image of Nick, their Nick, their big brother, their everything, on the brink of death out of their head. They can hear the machines again, they can hear the ambulance’s whine again.

They can hear that explosion again. Blinding, loud. Their phone had cracked.

Taking their brother with it.

A stove-in chest injury.

Trying to put the nearly empty mug on the coffee table, Carmen unfurls themself.

Nick was in a coma. And he’d just barely survived.

Instead of landing on the glass pane, it slips out of their grasp and falls to the ground shattering into a million pieces.

“Carmen!” Sally jumps from where she’d been sitting, removing her feet from the ground and turning to look at them with wide, worried hazel eyes meeting theirs, “Too much to drink?”

They feel more sober than they had been five minutes ago. Painfully so. Everything’s too clear. The TV is blinding them. The fabric of their shirt is rubbing against them painfully, their hair brushing the nape of their neck like nails.

Their toenails are barely dry. Some of it has smeared on their pant legs.

Their chest heaves before they let out a sob, tears filling their eyes and a loud cry filling the room, “I’m sorry!”

Sally looks bewildered, before carefully picking her way across the couch to wrap her arms around Carmen, “Hey, hey, it’s just a mug! We can replace it before Nick comes back.”

It isn’t just the mug. They couldn’t give a flying fuck about the mug.

It’s all their fault. They shouldn’t have left Nick with an angry goodbye, they shouldn’t have let their last words to him have been so hostile. They should’ve just taken the damn crockpot, they should’ve been nicer to him that morning. They should’ve just accepted the damn eggs and hot sauce, they should’ve been better.

They’re the failure here, the crack in the mug.

Button-

Their thoughts are only getting louder and more out of control. Their sobs only match it, growing louder and louder until they can barely breathe, their eyes burning and tears wetting Sally’s shirt.

“Carmen?” Sally asks, trying to soothe them by rubbing their back, “Whatever it is, it’s going to be okay.”

“No it’s not!” They exclaim back, and Sally flinches at their tone, “Nick is gone because of me!”

“No he’s not!” Sally replies forcefully, gently pushing Carmen off of them to hold them by their shoulders, “This isn’t your fault, none of it is!”

“He’s my brother! It should’ve been me in that hospital bed, not him! He didn’t deserve this!”

Button!

Carmen only cries harder, Nick’s louder tone making them wince.

I don’t blame you for this, none of it! Whoever the hell did this, that’s on them, not you. Whether we argued this morning or over the phone call, that doesn’t matter and it doesn’t mean you should’ve taken this one for the team. You’re my sibling, and I love you no matter what happens.

I got you nearly killed!

Nick goes quiet, formulating a response before continuing. His tone is calm, but shaking just as much as their’s is. Maybe he doesn’t believe it as much as he tries to pass it off that he does, If that were the case, you’d be down at the police station. But you’re not, because you aren’t responsible. Sure, we press each other’s buttons, but that doesn’t make you the culprit for an accident that is probably the fault of some messed up terrorist, He pauses for a moment, Button, I’m still alive and mostly conscious because of you.

It’s going to be okay.

Is it? Will it ever be? There are so many unknowns and they’re scared.

Sally holds them like that for a while, until their breathing begins to slow. Nick reassures them and comforts them through the rest of it. The credits roll when they finally unstick themselves from her. 

They’re a little disgusted with themselves, they don’t cry. They never do. Nor do they ever have outbursts like this. They shouldn’t. They don’t want to be here anymore, not with their eyes puffy and red and tears still wet on their cheeks that they hesitate to wipe away.

You can’t hold onto all that grief by yourself, Carmen, Nick says, It’s okay to have emotions.

“We -- you, me and Nick -- we’re going to figure this out. You know we will,” Sally gives them a sad, but soft smile, “We’re a team, remember? And this,” She gestures to the pair of them, “Is a team sport.”

She’s got a point, Nick assures them, Can’t exactly get rid of your teammates.

Carmen hates relying on people, they let her down more often than not. They hated team sports as it was.

Okay, well, you get the point, button.

They take a shaky breath, glancing at the shards of glass on the floor, “I know. I’m sorry for...everything.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry about. I would’ve been afraid if you stayed all cool and brooding all evening,” Sally jokes, before steadying her tone, “If you ever need to vent like that again, you can. Always. I’m here for you.”

“I couldn’t put that on you. Besides, there are bigger issues now, with Aeon targeted and all, and I can’t shield you anymore.” I couldn’t burden you with my problems. Don’t ask me to. I can’t. It hurts.

“Yes, you can. And you should. As many times as you’ve heard me complain and vent, I think you’re long overdue to do it yourself,” Sally says. She squints at Carmen critically, “You’re doing that thing again where you’re trying to deflect away from the real problem.”

“What?”

“Sure, Aeon was targeted. But y’know what else? That took a toll on you. And that’s fine. The shielding issue, we can figure that out, but I know you’ve been carrying around so much of...all this for so long. Promise me you won’t do it again? I hate seeing you in pain like this.”

She’s asking a lot. Twenty one years and only know they’re supposed to dump the protective habit they’d cultivated all those years ago? Sally knew them better than anyone, she knows how they are. She knows that they can’t just change like that. They’ve never been mentally healthy, ever, and yet...

It is a lot, and I know you can’t get rid of it all that easy. Though I don’t think she’s asking for you to give it up cold turkey, Nick explains, Can you try though? Try, and do it for us?

Nick’s hopeful voice. Sally’s equally hopeful expression.

They let go of a shaky, wet breath.

“I can try.”

[concealeddarkness13]

WHG Post Games Zenith Part 2

Tagging: @ratracechronicler (also thanks for Rebecca and Elvira!), @maple-writes (also thanks for Asher!), @nightskywriter, @rhikasa, @pen-of-roses, @aeslin-writes, @the-moving-finger-writes, @knmartinshouldbewriting, @makeitmonstrous, and @timefirewrites!

The day after that demonstration with Lynne, Nesri kept following Cirrus around, trying to get him to spar with her. Rebecca had told us where the shocker was, so we were planning on getting it tonight. While Nesri and Cirrus were arguing back and forth, Asher approached me.

“I don’t know if anyone’s told you, but if something goes wrong we thought it might be a good idea to have someone on the inside.” He paused. “If you remember my interview, and what I did to Caesar, I was wondering if you would be okay if I did that to you? I’d take your soul, and put it into the body of someone who works there, and you’d be able to use it like it was yours.”

I blinked. It was a good idea, just surprising. “I think that’s a good idea. I am willing to do it. I would just like to ask, if it’s okay, if you could describe how it feels so I’m more prepared.”

He smiled. “Oh, of course. Well, it’s a little different for everyone, but to be honest, it can be uncomfortable. It might hurt a little when I take you out, and you might think you’ve died, and it might take a few minutes once I put you in another body to figure yourself up.” I nodded when he paused. Understandable. “If something does go wrong, like if I drop you, you should have no problem returning back to your body on your own.”

I nodded. “Wonderful. Thank you. Do you think it would be a good idea to test it out first? Such as, transfer my soul into another one of our bodies?”

“If you like. Especially if it’ll make you more comfortable with it later on.”

I nodded, and there was a knock on the wall behind us. I turned around, even though I already knew who it was. Elvira. I hadn’t really seen her away from Rebecca. “I suppose you’ll need another body for that.”

I bowed my head. “That would be wonderful. Thank you.”

Asher looked surprised when he saw Elvira. “Good. You should probably both sit down for this. Let me know when you’re ready.”

I sat down on the floor immediately and nodded, waiting for Elvira to sit down as well. She grabbed a pillow and sat down as well. “Is there anything the receiving person can do to resist?” she asked calmly. “Should I practice putting up a fight for you?”

“That…” Asher nodded. “That might be a good idea. Hopefully, whoever we catch won’t know what’s coming but you can try to struggle. Maybe.” He glanced at me. “Do you want to hold her down as if we’ve kidnapped her?”

Elvira interrupted before I could respond. “I meant…spiritually.”

“Oh, right.” He laughed. “Honestly, there isn’t a whole lot you can do I don’t think.”

“Interesting,” Elvira said at the same time I spoke. “Whenever you’re ready then, I suppose.”

“That’s good to know,” I said.

“Okay then, I’ll start with you, Elvira. I’ll be quick.” Asher took a deep breath and reached one hand toward her chest, tracing her collar bone and pulled something out. She went limp, and I tensed. I shook my head, though, and relaxed. I had already decided to trust him. His hand shook a bit when he turned to me, and black claws were forming on the tips of his fingers. He reached for me, and despite myself, I tensed. And the whole world disappeared. I was falling, but something was controlling me, and as soon as it started, it was over, but it still wasn’t right. “So, how are you feeling?”

I blinked; my breathing was too fast. I forced myself (but not myself) to take deep breaths, and I looked around until I didn’t feel dizzy. I tested out the movement of my arms and legs. “It takes a little time to adjust to—” I winced at the different voice that came out of my (actually Elvira’s) mouth. “But it’s not horrible.”

Elvira was making faces, and I stared at my body. Now, that was strange. She (but also my body) sat up, rolling her shoulders. “Well, then…that was…” She startled. “Is that…MY voice??” She shook her head. “I…wasn’t ready.” Then she smiled mischievously and started humming. Wow.

“Good!” Asher smiled. “Once you’re settled, why don’t you try walking?”

I stood up on shaky legs. The left leg felt especially wobbly. “Don’t go near Rebecca like that,” Elvira growled. “Be careful. My—that leg is scarred. My, but this is rather strong. Sore, though.” She held out her arms for balance as she took some steps.

“Noted.” I took a few steps, but it didn’t feel right. “I’ll need to walk around some, however, to get used to walking in a different body.”

Asher nodded. “Take your time.”

I wandered off, and with each step, it felt easier to walk in the new body. I wasn’t looking where I was going, so I bumped into someone. I looked up and froze. It was Rebecca. Crap.

Rebecca steadied me with a smile. “Whoa, there, creampuff. What’s the hurry?”

I stared at her. Crap. “Uh. I’m not who you think I am. Asher—Asher used his magic to switch our souls, so I’m Zenith.” Asher nodded as well.

Rebecca just stared back at me before she quickly removed her hands. “Wait—that—right. You can—right. The plan—yeah.” Her voice grew intense. “Did she agree to that?”

I nodded. “Yes. She’s using my—Zenith’s—body now.”

“I wouldn’t have done this if she didn’t agree,” Asher assured.

From another room, Elvira yelled, “Wait, IS THAT REBECCA? What did I say?!” And then quieter. “Where is the volume control in these lungs??”

Did she mean what did I say to her? “Nothing incriminating!” I called back.

Rebecca turned to Asher. “Er. Thanks.”

Elvira stormed up. “I’m the real Elvira.”

Rebecca raised an eyebrow. “You’re taller than I remember. So, you two’re…practicing the swap? Should I host a race or something? How soon can you be done?”

“They should be able to handle that,” Asher said. “It would be good practice for adjusting to different physicalities.” He paused. “You think we should make a prize for the winner?”

“That would certainly make things more interesting. Hmm. I don’t think we have much of value to wager, so let’s say we stake our pride. The winning soul gets the opportunity to…lightly embarrass the host a bit. For the sake of example, I could…sing.” She grinned evilly at the last word.

I cocked my head. “Interesting…” Rebecca whispered a suggestion in my ear, and I voiced it out loud. “Rebecca says I can show off your toenails.”

Elvira’s face drops in shock (weird to see that on my own face), then her eyes narrow. “I’ll allow it.”

We lined up at the beginning of a hallway, Asher waited at the middle, and Rebecca waited at the finish line. Asher called for us to start, and Elvira dashed off. I tried to do the same, but the legs wouldn’t move like I expected, and I almost fell.

“Shit!” Asher laughed as I jogged after Elvira. I couldn’t move as fast. She was well over the finish line when I finally made it.

She smirked at me. “Watch my language!” Rebecca clapped in the background.

And thus, they called everyone together, Elvira didn’t really explain that she was not me, and she sang a couple sea shanties to the audience. Everyone was grinning by the end of this (I had to admit, I didn’t have a bad singing voice), and Nesri was rolling on the ground, laughing with tears streaming down her face. Wonderful.

After everyone finally got over themselves, Asher took us aside and switched our souls back. “If a woman called Ginger ever asks, this never happened.” We both nodded.

*

But finally, it was the actual heist where we’d steal a shocker. I was back in my original body, and Elvira and Asher accompanied me. I knew the building we were going to steal from, and yes, it had a lot of security.

But there was a guard that we could steal, that would be out of sight of the others. I brought them around to the side of the building, and peaked around a corner of another building to check to make sure only a lone guard was there.

I snuck forward and grabbed him before he could notice me, covering up his mouth so he couldn’t scream. I dragged him back to the others and nodded at Asher.

Asher directed me to a hidden corner and whispered an apology to the guard before he took his soul. He turned to me. “Ready?”

I nodded. He transferred my soul first. Still felt weird. I rolled my head and moved my arms and legs around to make sure I was used to it. I nodded to the others. Asher would stay behind with my body, and Elvira would come and show the way. “Let’s go.”

Asher pushed the guard’s soul into him, wincing and shuddering a moment before he nodded and gave a thumbs up.

Elvira looked around, her eyes darting everywhere. She glanced back at Asher. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Asher nodded, and Elvira nodded and led the way. She actually knew where the shockers were, but I would have to pretend like she was a prisoner. I held her arm as we walked forward, and when a guard stopped us, I straightened.

She frowned at us. “What is your business here?”

“I am taking this prisoner to get fitted for a shocking device.”

She nodded, as if it was perfectly normal that the Capitol sent a prisoner over without letting anyone know, and she moved out of the way to let us through. No one bothered us as Elvira whispered directions to me. We finally stopped in front of a door, but when I tried it, the door was locked.

I frowned. “I guess I’m supposed to have the key.” I glanced at Elvira. “Do you know how to pick locks?”

Her face went blank. “Maybe.”

I sighed. “Can you, or not? If not, I can always kick the door down. It’ll just be louder.”

Elvira stood up straighter. “Well, I know exactly how it’s done, but I would’ve liked to have known beforehand so I could have brought proper tools.” She pulled out a hairpin. “You wouldn’t happen to have a screwdriver about your person, would you?”

Probably not. I felt around in his pockets, and my fingers hit a screwdriver. “Holy shit, he does.” I handed it over to her.

She stared at the screwdriver for a little bit before she took it. She stretched, and I frowned. Was that really necessary for picking a lock? She started trying. “It might not even be the right kind of lock.” It didn’t seem to be working.

After a little while, she looked over at me. “You, uh, wouldn’t also happen to have a key on you, by any chance?”

I shook my head solemnly. “Thank you for trying.” Elvira moved back, and I stared the door down. Hopefully, this guard was strong enough to kick the door down. I took a deep breath, kicked it, and it actually worked.

Of course, a guard heard that. “Freeze!” I turned to her as she pointed her gun at us. “What is the meaning of this?”

I tried to gesture to Elvira to not say anything. I forced a smile. “When they transferred the prisoner to me, they totally forgot to give me the key, and I didn’t realize until it was too late. And you know how they are. I wasn’t about to go all the way back to the prison to request that they give me the key. I’d rather take a dock in pay than that.”

The guard smiled and lowered her gun. “Those people are so stupid. Of course they would forget to give us the key. Fine. Just hurry up.”

I nodded, and we walked in as she walked away. There were shockers everywhere, just asking to be taken. I grabbed a couple, and since there was a window facing where we got the original guard, I opened the window. It wasn’t that far up. “Let’s leave this way. The guard would probably question us if we went back her way.”

Elvira nodded, and we escaped back over to where Asher was. I held up the shockers so he could see it was a success.

He gave us a tired smile, as he was sitting next to my body. “All done?”

I nodded. “We were seen, so we should probably get out of here quickly.”

“We got away with it for now,” Elvira added. “But I agree. We ought to hurry.”

He waved me over, and I handed the shockers to Elvira before I followed. Asher whispered something about staying quiet after being put back (maybe directed at the guard?), and then he switched us back. I tested out my movement as Asher stood up, gripping the wall and shaking his head. The guard sat up, blinking and dizzy.

I walked over to Asher and offered an arm, and he took it. The guard ignored us as he found his footing and walked back to his post. Elvira walked with us, looking around to watch for anyone as we slipped away, I heard shouts from the building. We had gotten away just in time.

[shotsbyshae]

Eyes Closed

Warnings: 18+ Smut, Angst

Words: 1.5k

Pairing: Steve x Witch!Reader, Bucky x Witch!Reader

Summary: Steve’s just trying to keep a promise he made to his best friend.

Song: Eyes Closed by Halsey

Now if I keep my eyes closed, he looks just like you.

Two Years Ago

“Promise me,” his words are almost desperate as he watches you slowly approaching with Shuri. “Promise, if anything happens, you’ll watch out for her.”

“I promise Buck,” Steve glances over at his friend sincerely. “Why don’t you tell her how you feel?”

He gives a quick shake of his head, “I can’t – I can’t risk losing her.”

“Shuri is going to give us new coms,” you say with enthusiasm as you get closer to the two men. “They’re smaller, not as noticeable, and have a broader ranger.”

“You’re welcome,” the princess smirks.

“Thank you,” Steve replies as she walks past him to her table full of gadgets.

“Ready for a mission?” Your joy is infectious, and Barnes laughs a little as you bounce eagerly from one foot to the other.

Bucky looks past you to Steve, “Did Sam give her coffee again?”

Rogers just gives him a shrug of his shoulders, “I saw nothing.”

You and Bucky start out of the lab, discussing what is considered an acceptable amount of coffee, while Steve waits for Shuri to gather the coms. She turns and hands him the box, watching as the two of you leave.

“There’s nothing more dangerous than that,” the princess comments with a knowing smile.

“What?”

“A witch and her wolf.”

Present Day

You stare at the man standing in front of you, his eyes are full of the same sadness yours carry. Those eyes, they’re almost the same blue as Bucky’s, and it pains you everytime you see him. You can’t believe it’s been over a year since you lost him. Barnes had been there for you while you mourned the loss of your best friend. He was the reason you were still here – still alive – but Thanos had taken him from you.

Life isn’t fair, it’s cruel and sadistic.  

“Stop coming to check on me!” You yell at the man before you.

“I was just in the neighborhood,” Steve replies calmly.

“What the fuck ever,” the words are callous and cold.  

“Please,” he begins, his eyes soft, “just come to a meeting, I promise –”

“What! Promise to bring them back?!” Your voice rises again, as you shake your head in frustration, “You can keep your meetings. If you had listened to Tony –”

You throw the water bottle in your hand across the room angrily before you turn away from him, wrapping your hands around the back of your neck. The pain is unbearable somedays and Steve’s presence is only accentuating it today.

Steve’s voice is firmer when he speaks this time, “I’m sorry, but you can’t keep doing this.”

You turn on your heel sharply, eyes narrowing at him, “Who’s going to stop me?”

Steve tilts his head at you, almost challenging, and you inhale sharply before flinging a wooden chair with your hand across the room at him. The man throws his arms up to deflect the oncoming assault and the chair splinters into pieces upon hitting his forearms. You’re stronger than you were before, all the rage and grief inside you helping to emphasize your powers.

“I promised him I’d always watch out for you,” Steve says in a pleading tone, remembering his words to Bucky that day at the compound. “I won’t fight you.”

“Tough,” it comes out like a snarl.

You fling another chair at him, which he blocks again, and you rush him before he can realize it, connecting your right fist with his jaw. The pain in your knuckles is excruciating but you don’t let it show as you wait for his reaction. He doesn’t swing back, only looks down at your small frame with hooded eyes. You shove his chest, frustration growing in his refusal to participate in this fight. A maddening scream escapes your lips as you pound both fists into him again, this time he envelopes you in his arms in an attempt to subdue you. Tears burn your eyes and Steve thinks he has the situation under control. Your heartrate increases as you close your eyes tightly and use everything inside of you to fling the two of you off your feet and onto the ground, sending both of you rolling across the floor. Steve starts to get back to his feet, but a force stronger than he’s ever felt before stops him, and he’s stuck on his knees as his arms are stretched out beside him, muscles taunt from the strain of him trying to pull free from the invisible force.

His tone is almost a warning, “This isn’t you.”

“Don’t act like you know me Rogers,” you seethe as you walk over to him, grabbing a fistful of his hair and jerking his head back to stare at him, rearing back with your right arm, ready to land another punch to his perfect face. He flicks his blue eyes up at you and they stop you cold, for a moment you can see Buck and you feel all the guilt pouring over you. So many things left unsaid, so many chances left untaken. You are the queen of not accepting what is right in front of you – Bucky was everything to you – and you didn’t realize it until it was too late. You hate yourself for several things and now you’re taking that hatred out on the man in front of you – a man who misses Bucky just as much as you do. It was no more his fault than it was yours. You could have been there by Tony’s side helping him in the fight, you might could have made a difference, but you didn’t want to play hero and look where that left you – alone.

You drop your right hand as a tear falls down your cheek and your lips begin to tremble. You stare at him for a second longer, burning the image of those deep blue eyes into your mind and you squeeze your eyes shut tightly as you envision Bucky’s longer, shaggier hair, and the dark beard he’d had the last time you had saw him. You can see him smiling, the way he would when he would watch you do the simplest things, like make homemade margaritas or when you’d sit perched on the sink to paint your toenails. He had been in love with you, for a lot longer than you had probably known, but you were far too damaged to accept it. You lean your forehead against the man in front of you as you drop to your knees, releasing the control you have over his body. You relax the grip you have on his hair as you inhale, and for a moment, you swear you can smell Bucky, an enticing mix of amber, vanilla, and leather. You realize Steve has kept his forehead against yours, following you as you settle on your knees in front of him. He’s almost a head taller than you in this position, but he’s ducked down to keep his forehead flush with yours.

His breath burns your face as you feel his hand brush against the side of your cheek, pushing your hair behind your ear, then resting it gently on the base of your neck. The heat emanating from his palm sends a shiver down your spine as your hand moves to his forearm instinctively. The touch of his skin against yours ignites a fire in the deepest, darkest part of you. His other hand moves lightly to your waist, and he leans back for a moment, staring down at you – as if asking permission. You swallow the lump in your throat as you run your tongue across your bottom lip quickly before glancing up at him. Your eyes connect with his for only a moment before his lips crash onto yours hard – much rougher than you would have imagined him capable of – his tongue exploring your mouth. It’s almost animalistic the way the two of you aggressively claw for one another – trying to devour each other. Clumsily divesting each other of your clothes, desperate for more. The emptiness inside you suddenly starving for the one thing Steve can give you. It sure as hell isn’t love. It’s anger, longing, and need – not for each other – but for those you lost. He takes you there on the oriental rug in your living room – long, slow strokes filling you. You cling to his shoulders, burying your face in his chest as the wave of ecstasy shatters you, and you let out an almost whimpering moan against his skin. You feel the growl start in his chest, as his hands grasp you in a primal way, sending you over the edge again as he finds his release.

It’s quick, passionate, and raw, but most of all – it feels wrong. The two of you share small glances of shame while you get dressed. Steve watches as you adjust your top, his words barely audible, “I’m sorry.”

You flick your eyes up at him, “Don’t be. We’re both adults.”

“But I am,” Steve remarks somberly. “He loved you, you know.”

“I know.”

Part 2

[kelleyish]

weigh in

You know what’s bad about losing 13 lbs in your first week-ish back on a diet? Not losing a single goddamn ounce the next week. Sigh.

I have eaten more than I should have yesterday and today, although we’re still only talking like 1,800 calories. Also I haven’t gone on any purposeful walks either day, just some shopping and stuff. 

I can feel my resolve trying to waver, and this is exactly the time when I’m likely to fall off, but I’m pretty sure I won’t. But I do need to reapply myself tomorrow and get going again.

Unfortunately I broke the toenail on one of my big toes last night. I was wearing sandals and slid my foot under a piece of furniture and it hit my nail exactly right to split it about 1/2 an inch down the nail bed and a bit diagonally. The split didn’t make it to the edge to where a piece actually broke off, and I’d really like to avoid that happening. It really didn’t hurt when I did it, but it bled. 

I stopped by a beauty supply place and got some nail glue today, which honestly doesn't seem much different than superglue. I’m not sure how sturdy it is, and I probably have a good four or five months ahead of me where I’ll have to baby it to avoid it ripping off. I’m hoping it doesn’t impact my walking too much.

[themoonandotherslikeit]

What the Rain Can’t Wash Away - Chapter 23

*FINAL PIECE IN THE LOOK IN HER EYES TRILOGY*

Sixteen years after Lucifer rose and Dean lost his wife, he finds himself with a teenager, a Nephilim, an angel, and his brother living out a Full House rerun with some seriously dark undertones. How will he be able to raise his daughter, fight monsters, and deal with the loss of the love of his life? Sometimes moving on is the hardest part, but with the Winchester’s there’s always something harder around the corner. Isn’t there?

Chapter Twenty-Three, The Reasons We Stay

Dean

She stood in front of me, close enough for me to touch, but I was frozen there, my breath caught in my throat. The air seemed to have a glisten to it, like the sun was catching on snow in the air as it fell. 

“I know this is a lot,” she began softly, her hands clasped together. 

She was wearing one of my t-shirts and a pair of black leggings with nothing else. It was so fucking cold out, but she didn’t look cold at all. Her bare feet didn’t even make an indentation in the snow. My stomach clenched as I stared at her black painted toenails. My daughter was dead. That fact hadn’t changed. 

“How?” 

“I’ll tell you, but you have to promise you won’t get mad,” El said cautiously, as if she was testing my temperament. 

I felt my eyebrow raise, and I folded my arms across my chest. I knew enough from the last seventeen years to know that those words never ended well. “You know I can’t promise that.” 

“Well you can at least try .” 

The corner of my mouth tugged up at that. The Winchester sass, god it was music to my fucking ears. “Fine. What is it? How are you here?” 

“I’ve been talking to Billie.” 

“Billy… like Billie ? Death, Billie?” 

El raised her hands as if to silence me. Her hip popped, and she rested her hands on her hips with a raised eyebrow. “Relax, Dad. It’s a good thing.” 

I narrowed my eyes. In my experience anything with Billie was a bad thing, period, end of story. 

“I got a… promotion of sorts.” 

“Promotion?” 

“When I died… I still had some of Micheal’s grace inside of me. So my soul wasn’t completely human…” Her voice trailed off and she looked up at me through thick eyelashes. 

My stomach dropped, my mouth immediately going dry. “What are you saying?” 

“Dad, I’m an angel. Not just a soul in Heaven… I’m an angel.” 

I just stared at her, which is probably the worst thing you can do to a teenager. Her nose wrinkled in distaste,  which was a look that was all too familiar to me. “What does this mean?” 

“It means,” she said softly, reaching out to take my hand. It was a trick of my mind,  but I could’ve sworn I could feel her. “That I can visit, just like Cas does. It won’t be the same, but it means I’m not just dead or gone.” 

I sucked in my breath, fighting back tears. It felt like a dream. It felt unreal. “But does that mean you aren’t resting, El?” I wanted to see her, of course I did. I wanted to keep her close, pluck her from heaven and crawl back into bed just the two of us like we did when she was little, and I’d stay up just watching her chest rise and fall to prove that she was still breathing. I wanted her to be alive. 

But I knew better. If Billie was involved there would be no rest for my daughter. 

She laughed and shook her head, squeezing my hand making my head spin. “Dad, who needs rest, really? What kind of Winchester do you think I am?” She paused, her smile faltering a bit as she reached out and touched my cheek. “What about you? You look tired, Daddy.” 

A sob escaped my lips. I was betrayed by my own damn body, and I wanted to hit something. A tear rolled down my cheek, and I shook my head. “I’m not okay, baby girl. It was supposed to be me.” 

“It has been you, Dad. Over and over again. You don’t have to keep doing this. You can be done.” 

“I’ll never be done. Not until every monster is in its grave not until you’re avenged…” 

“No. You’re not going to do that.” She dropped her hand, and she was frowning deeply now. “You won’t fight in my name. I’m fine. My family is alive. If you want to do anything in my name, get my brother back, make my mom happy and just… live.” 

“How am I supposed to do that?” I was crying. I’d opened the floodgates and I couldn’t fucking stop it. I felt like a child and my knees were weak. 

She let out a breath and her eyes flickered from mine. 

She was just a kid. Holy and glowing and ethereal, but still just a kid. She shouldn’t have to see her dad this way. She shouldn't have to be this grown up. She shouldn’t have had to die. “I’m mad at you, kid.” 

“I know. I’m not sorry.” She pulled my hand and walked me to a bench that I hadn’t realized was there before. She sat me down next to her, and she pulled her legs up to sit crisscross. Her knees brushed mine and damn it I could’ve sworn she was really there. Maybe she was. I could touch Cas, afterall. “How is Claire?” 

“Better than me. She’s strong.” 

“She’s lost so much.” 

“You shouldn’t worry about us, El.” 

“I wouldn’t if I thought you all could get along.” She glanced at me sideways with a squint. “You’re too stubborn.” 

I shrugged a bit with a laugh. “Yeah, it’s my fatal flaw.” 

“Nah. You love too hard, that’s your fatal flaw.” She smiled and looked off in the distance. “What about Mom and Sam?”

I winced at the mention of Ave. I fucked up, and I just kept fucking up over and over again. When would I ever learn? “They’re sad.” 

“You all need to be together right now, Dad. You should be coming together to help Jack. To teach him how to be a good person even without his soul.” She let out a trembling breath. “He felt bad, Dad, for what he did. Which means there’s some humanity left in him. There has to be. Don’t abandon him. He just did what I asked him to. He saved you at all cost. He did good.”  

“How could you ask him to do that?” 

“What would you have done to save us?” She countered, looking at me in a way that I’m sure Ave and Sam have seen in me a thousand times. Every harebrained scheme. Every time I tried to martyr myself for the greater good. She was right. She was doing it because she learned it from me. “I didn’t want to die, Dad. Of course I didn’t. I didn’t want to leave you and Mom right after I got her back. I didn’t want to leave Claire and our future… But you just got Mom back, too. You’ve sacrificed so much for us, for the world. It’s time you get to rest. It’s time you get to retire.” She held my face in her hands and ran her thumbs across my now-closed eyelids. “Especially now. I’m sorry about your eyes.” 

“You didn’t do it,” I said with a grunt. 

“Still.” She leaned forward and kissed my forehead between my eyes. The gesture was so tender that it got my emotions bubbling up inside of my chest again, threatening to explode out of me. I pulled her into a hug. 

“Life ain’t fair.” 

“No it’s not,” She agreed, wrapping me in her own small arms. “But sometimes even in the worst situations things can be good…”

“You sure didn’t get that optimism from me,” I laughed dryly.

She pulled back a bit and looked at me, she was biting her bottom lip like she was afraid to say whatever was on her mind. “I… There’s more.” 

I let out a heavy sigh. “Out with it, kid. I ain’t getting any younger.” 

“There’s more that came with my promotion . I’m not only an angel, I’m sort of the angel. With the bit of archangel grace inside of me… it makes me a natural leader of heaven. Or so Billie says. The angels are lost, Dad. They need guidance.” 

My daughter, the leader of angels. “I always knew you were meant for greatness.” My heart tugged a hit, and I hugged her again. “You’ve grown up really good, El. I’m proud of you.”

“Daddy will you please try, please ? Make Mom happy. Be happy yourself. Give her a special date… help Jack.. don’t fight with Sam,” her voice cracked as she hugged me tighter. “Make sure Claire doesn’t fall apart.”

I kissed her hair, holding her tightly. This is where I was always meant to be. “Will we see you again?”

“Absolutely. Pray to me, and I will try to come as fast as I can.”

Pray to her. Chuck is MIA, but I can pray and my daughter will flap down from Heaven with her big angel wings. What a weird fucking life. “I will.”

“I love you, El.”

“Me too, Dad.” 

Ava

Don’t make me have died for nothing.  

I had a happy life. I knew what it felt like to be protected, cherished, loved. I never took less than what I deserved, because I was surrounded by so much goodness. 

Mom, I knew what love should be, because even after you were gone, Dad never stopped loving you. He never tried to move on… No matter how much I tried to make him. He always said he had his one great love. I wanted that with my whole heart, and I got that with Claire. I was loved, Mom. I died being loved. 

Please don’t worry about me. I will see you all again. I’m leaving you a space next to me in my Heaven. We all know the world can’t handle this many Winchester’s all at once, but we will see each other again. I only ask one thing… Love each other fully and don’t let this destroy you. You both have spent my entire life apart and it’s time you get to be together again. A lifetime isn’t long, especially for hunters. 

I love you both more than I can ever say. I couldn’t wish for better parents. I will see you both soon. 

-Eleanor 

I folded the paper and held it to my heart, silent tears rolling down my cheeks. She was so grown up for her age. So warm. So smart. I didn’t have my own mother. This world, this life ripped her away from me when I was too young. Here it is doing it again. 

Christmas lights sparkled in the distance, and I felt a relief flood through me, beating with my heart through my bloodstream. My daughter is okay. This isn’t what we asked for, but Dean is alive. I’m alive. Against everything we have ever had happen to us, every moment of darkness we have faced… we are still standing. Despite all odds we are doing okay. Grief is powerful, I knew that, but Ella was right when she said that us falling apart would make her death be in vain. We had to live, because she couldn’t. 

I folded up the letter and tucked it in my shirt over my heart and wiped my eyes, before climbing down off of the frozen billboard and heading right home to find Dean. 

**** 

The bunker was quiet. The whole day had bled away into evening, and I hadn’t heard from Dean. This was our last shot. I wasn’t sure I could survive another rejection from him. I didn’t think my heart could take it. “Dean?” I called out, my voice coming out quieter than I expected. I was afraid. I’d never been afraid to talk to Dean, he was my person. I sucked in my breath and searched the bunker. As I was walking down the hall Sam stopped me. He was coming out of Jack’s room. 

“Is he okay?”

Sam nodded and touched my shoulder. “He’s asleep. Must be really tired, since he barely slept before. Poor kid seemed tuckered out. Should’ve seen him when Claire saw him.” 

“Oh god, what happened?” 

“She hugged him,” Sam said softly, tears in his eyes. “El loved that kid.” 

“Yeah, she does.” I squeezed his arm. “Have you seen Dean?” 

He shook his head. “No. I’m sorry, Ave. he probably just needs time to cool off…” 

I sucked in my breath and nodded, trying to swallow the tears that threatened to jump up my throat. “What about me, Sam? Haven’t we been apart enough?” 

How much pain could one person handle? 

He offered me a sad smile, but he didn’t speak, because we both knew that nothing he could say would make any difference. Words didn’t make someone care. Words didn’t turn back time. 

“I think I’m going to head to bed.” 

“You sure?” Sam asked, squeezing my shoulder. “I can make drinks…” 

I put my hand on his, squeezing it before removing it. I nodded to him. “Yeah, I’m exhausted. I’ll see you tomorrow, Sam.” 

I reached up on my tiptoes and placed a kiss on his cheek, before slipping past him and walking down to the end of the hallway to my room--Dean's room. It wasn’t mine. I didn’t know who I was kidding. If this thing ended… There’d be no sense in staying in the bunker. Sam is family… but he’s Dean’s family first, and my ex. In the end I would be left alone. 

I wanted to cry-- to scream, to fall asleep for the next week. 

I flipped on the light as I walked into the room and all of my breath got knocked out of my chest, my soul almost leaping out of my skin as I found Dean sitting on the edge of the bed in complete darkness, staring blankly ahead. 

“Ava?” 

I held my chest, gasping for breath, my heart racing under my palm. “Yeah, Dean, it’s me. Why are you just sitting in the dark?” 

“Is it dark?” He frowned. “Sorry I was… I was just waiting for you.” 

I softened a bit and walked to him, but as I made it to him, he stood up, almost knocking me down. “Fuck,” he murmured, grabbing me by my waste. Our chests brushed and suddenly everything melted away. 

“Dean,” I whispered. 

“I saw her,” he said, not even a breath later. “I saw El.” 

“What?” 

He nodded and pressed his forehead to mine. “She’s an angel, Ave. She had some more of Micheal’s grace and now… she’s going to run Heaven.” 

“What?” My head was spinning. I tried to pull away to look at him, but his grip on me was tight. He held me in place. 

“I fucked up, baby. I’m sorry. I don’t want to push you away… I don’t want to lose you, to lose us and our family. Ella said she can visit like Cas does. We can pray to her and she will come. I love you and I know I don’t deserve…” 

I kissed him. I held his face, scruff, dirt and all, and I placed a deep kiss on his lips. “I promised you that I’d love you forever, Dean. Longer than death, longer than pain. In this life and the next. That means forever.” 

—————

Epilogue

Get caught up!

Tag list:

@deans-baby-momma

@xjamiedennettx​

@linki-locks11​

@sonnierae26​

@ricky-666s-blog

@akshi8278

[subharryempire]

Hello! We hope you enjoy this omega Harry fic rec that includes over 70+ fics. Please remember to give authors comments and kudos for their amazing work. Happy reading!

1. When The Wolves Come Out by [ rosemarianthyme ] (1k)

It didn’t matter that Louis would never once pop a knot or that Harry’s slick was always artificial. When Harry was whining desperately against his neck and Louis was growling low in his chest he could only grab Harry’s hips and pant out 'Omega.'

2. Drape Me In Your Warmth by [ fookinglousers ] (2k)

TMH era fic where Harry is an omega whose heat comes a little earlier than expected and really, who is Louis to deny him his knot?

3. The Nearness of You by [ theweightofmywords ] (2k)

Harry and Louis' baby is due any moment. Harry just wants pretty toenails, and Louis just wants to help.

4. freaks from the internet by [ jaerie ] (2k)

Harry sells his breast milk to freaks on the internet. Louis turns out to be one of those freaks. He also happens to be Harry's ex.

5. 'Cause Your Embrace Keeps Me Warmer by [ scribblewrite ] (3k)

Louis and Harry meet for the first time and, being soulmates, Louis's rut and Harry's heat are triggered. 

6. 5 Golden Rules by [ @iflovewereall ] (4k)

Harry thinks surely he hasn't got a chance with Louis, after all he's a gorgeous Alpha and royalty to boot. His salvation comes in the form of an antiquated guide to courtship.

7. taste on my tongue (just can't get enough of you) by [ messyjessy08 ] (4k)

Harry and Louis just had a baby and it's been a while since they've had sex.

8. Willow City by [ blahthelarry ] (4k)

Harry's got a secret. A secret so big that it could end his career before it even starts.

(Or the fic where Harry is an Omega, Louis isn't an Alpha, and Niall just wants someone to fuck.)

9. The World will Open its Arms by [ @lululawrence ] (4k)

Harry scrubbed at the countertop. It wasn’t even dirty, but it was three in the morning and the girl who was supposed to relieve him over an hour ago never showed. He was now on hour ten of his shift and his feet hurt and his back ached and he was trying not to cry, thanks to more fucking judgmental alpha truckers who could smell it on him.

Of course they could. He practically lived at the diner. The entire place reeked of it.

Unbonded pregnant omega.

10. I'd Go Out of My Way To Make Sure That You're Okay by [ littlepinkbow ] (4k)

Harry's embarrassed about going into heat, but Louis decides it's up to him to teach Harry to be more open about what he wants.

11. turn the sky black into a sky blue by [ thispieceofmind ] (5k)

Harry forgets that noses exist. Louis is a badass motherfucker. They bang.

12. Give Me What I'm Begging For by [ @sugarbabyomega ] (5k)

Omega Harry is a professor at a uni. Louis is his alpha mate, whose rut is coming up soon, so Harry has to take a week off from school to be with Louis. He tells his students it's a vacation but they all can tell the truth and tease him about it. Then Louis' rut comes and they both spend a week at home to fuck it out.

13.  Baby, Sweat is Guaranteed by [  sailingships ]  (5k)

Alternatively the one where Harry forgets a few doses of his suppressants and, consequently, goes into an unexpected heat at the Eagles concert whilst fulfilling publicity duties with Kendall Jenner. An entire afternoon of sex ensues and Harry just wants Louis to stay.

14. Too Hot (Hot Damn) by [ louissass ] (5k)

“I’m what?”

“You’re in heat, baby,” He repeats, frowning when he catches the look on Harry’s face. “I thought you realised?”

Or, the one where Harry goes into heat in the middle of a concert but doesn't realise because of the heatwave.

15. From Homeless To Being Loved by [ leonietjeeeee ](5k)

Harry is put on the streets after his parents found out he was an Omega. After years of being on the streets, so broken he wishes that death would come sooner, he meets boyband One Direction. And one member may turn out to be a little more than just a hero to Harry...

16. All these Lights, They can't Blind me by [ harlequinnharry ] (5k)

Harry's a singer song writer omega who doesn't want to mate. It's not until his new Manager Louis Tomlinson, that he reconsiders.

17. A Tentative Peace by [ colourexplosion ] (5k)

“I dunno.” Harry’s not whining, he’s not. He pulls himself free, finally, turns away and busies himself again with the dishes. “I didn’t want it to be weird.”

“It’s not weird,” Louis says, appearing in Harry’s periphery when he leans against the sink. “Biology, innit? You know I’m always here for you.”

It stings. Louis won’t sit and have a conversation with Harry, but sure, he’ll fuck him through a heat like it’s nothing. “It’s a little more than biology,” he mumbles, but Louis either doesn’t hear him (not likely) or flat out ignores him (very likely).

18. Peace So Sweet by [ @shyshyserious ] (5k)

Louis is visiting another pack. On his quest to find the guest room he finds a nesting omega instead.

19. Just Wanna Taste It by [ rosemarianthyme ] (5k)

“It gets you hot, doesn’t it Darling?” Louis asked and Harry whimpered softly. “You like imagining that I’m your alpha?” “Yeah,” Harry nodded, feeling as if he could cry. “You wanna be my omega, Baby?” Harry nodded again. His eyes were prickling with overwhelmed tears. “Want it,” he said, voice thick.

Harry loved being Louis’ baby, his good boy, but sometimes he wanted more. He wanted to be his omega.

A prequel to When The Wolves Come Out

20. your body's telling me don't let go  by [ @thepriestthinksitsthedevil ] (5k)

Louis gets off early from work on his birthday and surprises Harry with dinner and wine. Harry is pleasantly surprised, and even happier with it when he and Louis get up to some amorous activities.

21. How Much My Heart Depends by [ @lululawrence ] (6k)

Louis is an alpha working as a fraud analyst who keeps having Bad Days. Harry is an omega working in Quality Support who shares a cubicle wall with Louis and only wants to help. Maybe this is the perfect chance for them to finally meet face to face.

22. Zero Means Nothing When I'm With You by [ WhiteClifford ] (6k)

Louis doesn't know what he's looking for until he finds it.

Harry just knows he may defy his gender norms, with his height and clumsiness, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want litters of pups running around while he does domestic things all day long.

In other words, boy meets boy and no one can stop pining.

23. Boys Fall Like Dominoes (6k)

Harry slips into an early heat while riding the tube. Naturally, that's when he meets Louis. 

24. to wrap me in paper by [ @juliusschmidt ] (6k)

Louis hasn't been keeping track of his ruts, but, it turns out, Harry has.

25. Between the Shadow and the Soul (6k)

Harry and Louis spend a month apart.

26. I heard this life is overrated, But I hope that it gets better as we go by [ louisnuggets ] (7k) 

"Harry this is not something we're going to argue about. I decided to do it. It's a sure thing." Harry remembered his words. The sure look in Louis eyes, the way he balled his fists, the way he talked. His Alpha voice coming through. Everything. How could he ever forget? It was one of the worst days of his life. After Harry's heat, which included five days of a lot of orgasms and even more cum, Louis and Harry had been laying in bed. Louis' knot slowly loosening in Harry. Harry's back against Louis' chest. Harry was sated and happy until Louis threw the bomb. "Baby I have to leave again. Longer this time. I know you don't like this but this is really important for my career." Some may think, what's so horrible about that? But Harry knew what that meant. It meant Louis would leave. 

27. Put It Into Words (7k)

“It’s a good storm though, our families,” Louis says, flopping down on to the bed and cuddling close to Harry. He tucks his arm around Harry’s waist, kissing his temple. “The Cheshire house is perfect to raise the baby; your mum’s close, and my mum can stay in the guest bedroom when she visits.”

“And until then we have the long weekend to ourselves.”

Or, Harry and Louis go on a babymoon.

28. Looking In The Dark (7k)

This carries on from the same verse of Boys Fall Like Dominoes.

29. This Thing Upon Me (howls like a beast) by [ @sadaveniren ] (8k)

Harry and Louis weren’t meant to be together. They’d met when they were put together through their university’s AO MatchUp, a program that set up alphas and omegas based on the schedules of their ruts and heats so they had someone to help them through it. It was pure luck that they were put together.

30. drunk on rose water by [ brainwaves ] (9k)

It’s the first time in a few years that Harry has a strong desire to risk everything for something he loves.

The last time, it was being a fashion model. This time, it’s Louis.

31. Even Your Honey Dew by [ @horsegirlharry ] (9k)

It probably says something about Harry that he’s so obsessed with another omega’s arse.

32. And I Will Steady Your Hand by [ kiwikero ](9k)

All first year university students who had not yet presented were strongly advised to join the Fire Away meetings, a support group for so-called 'late bloomers.'

They were not, however, advised to fall in love with someone else at the meetings without knowing what they might eventually present as.

33. You Know I'll Be by [ JustAnotherShadow503 ](9k)

Louis Tomlinson, 27, is the personal photographer for well-known model Harry Styles, 21. Louis, an Alpha, has been in love with Harry for years, though the younger man has seemingly not presented yet.

Or, the one where Louis is in love with Harry, tries to be a martyr at his own expense, and is a hopeless romantic.

34. Just Jump by [ jaerie ] (9k)

Finally, after years of suffering alone, the insurance plan at Harry's new job covered omega heat services. As a grown omega adult, it finally felt like the right time to try it out. And, since taking an entire week of heat leave would really put him behind at work, using a service to shorten it seemed like a responsible decision. At least that’s how he rationalized it. He was nervous about his decision but it was too late. The doorbell rang.

“Hi!” The alpha said again and Harry took the hand he offered and shook it firmly. “I’m Louis from Omega Services. It’s nice to meet you.”

35. with his educated eyes (and his head between my thighs) (9k)

"We're...we're not the same," Harry says softly, looking at his hands. "I don't care," Louis replies back, fire and fury in his eyes.

or where Harry is just a little boy in a world full of arseholes, Louis is in way over his head, and destiny is a bunch of shit.

36. All I Needed by [  FallingLikeThis ] (9k)

Harry is the omega captain of the Slytherin quidditch team with a team that won't listen to him. Louis is the alpha captain of the Gryffindor team who doesn't know how to offer help without seeming like a knothead, pushing his opinions on Harry. When he comes up with a rather questionable plan to try and get Harry to ask him for help, they may just both get what they need.

37. you took your toll on me (you got a hold on me) by [ messyjessy08 ] (9k)

Harry and Louis have the weekend to themselves, they make the most of it.

38. I Just Want You to Stay by [ SadaVeniren ] (34k)

“Remember the vet job up in Edinburgh I interviewed for right before your rut?” Louis nodded. “She just called me back. I got the job. I start next year.” Harry let out a shriek as he said the word year and he clapped his hands in delight. “Isn’t that great! Full time vet job! New animals to meet! A new environment!” He settled his eyes back on Louis, who was still standing there in front of him with wide eyes. “Isn’t it great, Lou?”

That seemed to jolt Louis out of his thoughts and he nodded immediately, opening his arms up for Harry to dive into. “Holy shit, yes. Congratulations. Come here,” he wrapped his arms around Harry and cuddled him close, pressing his nose into Harry’s neck. “Holy shit,” he whispered.

aka Louis and Harry have been roommates for four years, comfortable in their routine and their relationship. But all of that is about to change.

39. I Can't Hear You by [ @flamboyantommo ] (9k)

"I’m not supposed to be built this way!" Harry said. "I’m supposed to be shorter than you, and you’re supposed to be stronger than me and-“ “Harry!” Louis tried to interrupt. “And what if I’m not supposed to be an omega? What if my body screwed up somewhere or something? What if I’m not supposed to be your omega?” --- Or, the one where Harry is self-conscious about his body because it's not the 'typical omega body' and Louis shows him why he loves that.

40. Dear Blue by [ TheIfInLife ] (9k)

Harry wasn’t sure what he was expecting to be on the living room table but a stack of papers definitely wasn’t it.

The paper on top was a plain piece of notebook paper, Louis’ scrawl all over it.

41. A Firm Believer and a Warm Receiver by [ @horsegirlharry ] (10k)

a few months ago, Louis had his first heat. It was no big deal, aside from it being awkward and weird and all the other things it was supposed to be. He figured he would present as an omega, so he wasn’t exactly surprised or anything.

But then, last week, Harry had his first heat, too.

42. resolutions and lovers in the kitchen (10k)

harry teaches little kids and louis writes sports articles. they're trying for a baby.

43. Everything I Do (I Do It For You) by [ @harrysspookyshorts ] (10k)

"It's gonna be perfect," Harry whispers, taking Louis' face in both of his hands, nosing close but not yet kissing him. "Always is. You always make everything perfect."

"Good. Whenever your heat finally kicks in, I'll make sure to treat you perfectly too... I'm gonna bond you so hard."

or, Harry's heat is coming up and they've planned to finally bond, so Louis decides to plan a very eventful and loving week leading to said bonding.

44. through the wire by [ @a-writerwrites ] (10k)

“Mate. He’s like. I don’t know how to describe it.” Liam’s voice was on edge, a tremble in it that indicated he was either very nervous or extremely excited; unsure of what to do next. It was probably both.

All Harry could think about was LouisLouisLouis. He needed him so badly his body ached with it. His skin was crawling and his entire body felt explosive, ready to ignite at the slightest touch.

“Ok. Li? This is what you are going to do…” Louis took a deep breath, the intake of air audible through the wire, as he prepared to guide Liam through what was probably going to be the strangest most erotic, and possibly most awkward experience of his life.

45. Make It Work by [ fanshae ] (10k)

Arranged marriage AU. Harry is an omega who has reached the age where he must be married due to his family's income status. Only the aristocratic omegas are exempt. His parents try to hide him but eventually the government gets word and in punishment, gives the omega to a spoiled aristocrat son of a lord, Louis. Louis is more than thrilled to have his own omega and once Harry goes into heat, he explores the boy with fascination and unintentionally impregnates him. This leads to a boy used to living carefree and drinking the day away with other nobles to having to face fatherhood.

46. Our Lips Are Made Of Candy by [ Waking_dreams ] (10k)

“Your knot, please, Louis,” he managed to whine. He needed it, that extra stretch and burn that made him Louis’.

“Fuck,” Louis moaned, and his thrusts became unsteady. “Can’t do it here, baby, Hazza, can’t—“

Or, Harry accidentally missed a few doses of his medicine that controls his heat and starts his heat in the middle of Biology. Oops

47. The Bond That Can't Be Broken by [ louisgrindsonharry ] (10k)

Louis’ an alpha and Harry’s an omega. They never really stood a chance.

48. i'll be hurt from the heat (running from the heat) by [ itiswhatitisbutterfly ] (11k)

It's engrained into him, nothing else matters, protecting Harry at all costs is what pumps his heart and floods his veins. It’s just, he didn't count on the one thing Harry would need protecting from would be himself.

(Harry and Louis are in love, and they are probably soul mates. They just can’t be bond mates because despite the undeniable pull, it's them against the world.)

49. Fill My Heart With Sweetness by [ harryisquirkeh ] (11k)

Harry's a late bloomer, but since his luck is shit, it's no surprise that he'd be the last to get a heat, but the first to get pregnant. In high school.

50. I’ve Always Liked the Fireworks by [ @becomeawendybird ] (12k)

When alphas and omegas reach the age of twenty-one they are required to attend a Proving Day ceremony. Omegas watch as alphas do their best to compete in events, show off their skills, and prove how good a mate they can really be. The whole thing is a bit ridiculous, but Louis Tomlinson has always dreamed of finding his mate. He's got two unsuccessful Sheffield Proving Days under his belt and decides to go for the much more competitive one in Manchester. His goal is to play his best, leave it all out on the pitch, and hope that one of the omegas watching just happens to be his mate.

51. Come In and Change My Life by [ lightswoodmagic (sarah_writes) ] (12k)

He’d had the same neighbours since he’d moved into the building, a lovely, wealthy couple in their late sixties who had always invited him around for tea on Sundays. Martha had dropped off homemade biscuits the day he’d moved in, so Harry figured he may as well repeat the sentiment. He could hear someone getting closer to the door just as a flush ran through his body; oh fuck. His heat was close, too close to be knocking on a potentially unknown alpha’s door, but it was too late. The door swung open, and Harry’s mouth dropped. He’d never been overly interested in football, couldn’t find the fascination in watching men run around after a ball for hours aside from their uniforms, but he knew who this was. Louis Tomlinson, alpha, captain of Manchester United, star in a number of Harry’s heat addled fantasies, was his new next-door neighbour.

Or, Harry and Louis become friends when Harry looks after Louis' cat during away games, until one night at a party changes everything between them. It's just a shame Louis' going to be away for the FIFA World Cup for three months.

52. come on over, we've got something to share by [ jaerie ] (12k)

Even as an unbonded omega with a four year old, Harry had everything he needed. His beautiful son, a nice apartment, money to pay the bills -- oh, and an alpha next door always willing to knot his brains out.

53. Bentley Station, Now Arriving by @londonfoginacup (13k)

Harry Styles, omega. Owns a bakery on a train station in the middle of nowhere.

Niall Horan, meddling friend who wont leave him or his love life alone.

(lack of love life).

There's a ball coming up, and Harry is going to attend. Niall will make certain of that.

54. Christmas, Baby by [ nikogda ] (13k)

His life was going exactly how he’d wanted it. Exactly how he’d planned it. According to his life plan, he would be adopting a puppy in the next year.

Except one little detail. Harry was holding a positive pregnancy test. He was going to have a baby. He blinked a few times He, Harry Styles - husband and omega to Louis Tomlinson - would be carrying a human inside of him.

“How?” Harry asked himself as he shook the plastic stick a few times as if the results would magically turn negative. Or, The one where the exact thing that Harry thinks is derailing his life plan might be exactly what he needs.

55. Next To You by [ @homeofsavannahblue ] (14k)

When Harry Styles won the X-Factor he quickly became the latest pop sensation. When Louis runs into him at a party, he quickly realizes that Harry Styles is nothing like his reputation of womanizing alpha. Turns out, Harry Styles is an omega. And Louis' mate.

A story about love, support and being proud of who you are.

56. Restless Lane by [ lululawrence ] (14k)

Louis had grown used to his boring life back in Mississippi as a stand-in father figure to his siblings. He never expected his childhood friend to show up on his lawn with the heat of summer or that he would remind Louis how much of himself he'd tucked away and neglected. He also never expected to find himself caught up in a tangled web of feelings or secrets that just might break him. Maybe he had never known Harry at all.

57. Prince Harry and the Expert in Motorcycle Maintenance by [ @juliusschmidt ] (16k)

Louis puts the truck back into drive. “I’m going to ask you one more time. Where do you want me to take you?”

“To the Royal Palace.”

“The hospital psych ward, it is, then,” Louis says, though that’s a forty-five minute trip and a lecture on tardiness from his stepfather that, in the end, will definitely not be worth the trouble.

an abo cinderella au in which prince harry rides a motorcycle and louis, a simple mechanic, fixes it.

58. Stars Will Align For Us by [ @2tiedships2 ] (16k)

"The serial monogamist is single," Niall said by way of introduction when he sat down across from Harry in the canteen.

Harry sipped his chocolate milk. "What are you going on about?"

"Your alpha dream boat," Niall said. "That tiny little footie player? I heard from Hannah that he's broken it off with his boyfriend so he’s single and ready to flamingle. Now's the time to make your move."

Harry sipped his chocolate milk harder to keep himself from replying.

Or the one where Harry is an omega at a loss of how to get past his pining and gain the attention of Louis...especially considering the alpha is always in a relationship.

59. and the truth shall set you free (...maybe) by [  jaerie ] (17k)

Betism: A religion based on the belief that the beta gender has been chosen by God to protect and defend the purity and dignity of the human race by resisting and condemning the lustful ways and flawed biology of the alpha and omega

Harry is a Betist and Louis is an alpha who runs with a bad crowd. This is what happens when two worlds collide.

60. I Want You S'more by [ 2tiedships2 ] (17k)

“I think Harry’s like a wanna-be alpha,” Louis stated as he handed over Niall’s nachos.

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“I mean, as the alpha in this, um, possible platonic friendship, I’m supposed to be the one initiating any flirting. In a platonic way. I’m supposed to be the one taking care of the omega and sending off calming pheromones.”

“For argument’s sake, are you living in the eighteenth century? Maybe even nineteenth century?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Mate, it’s the twenty-first century. Sure, most alphas insist on taking the lead and taking full control over their omega. Like, they’re always wanting to be the one to comfort and take care of the omega. Which is cool and all. But can’t it be the other way around? Or at least compromise?”

Louis shoved a couple nachos in his mouth to avoid responding.

Or the one where the least alpha-y alpha and the least omega-y omega show that secondary genders aren’t set in stone and sometimes it works when you kinda share that.

61. Love will tear us apart by [ notasawrap ] (20k)

"Look, alpha," the green-eyed man starts contemptuously. "I know you're upset and that this sucks, I fucking know.” Harry breathes deeply. "I'm trying to do my best because she hasn’t stopped asking about you since yesterday, but I cannot do much if with everything I say, you're gonna react like a psychopath or whatever. I don't know what you want, Louis!" He alleges frustrated. "And if you just stop acting impulsively -contain your instincts or whatever, we could solve this in a way that benefits all of us, but if you're not willing to do that, the best thing is going to be to forget you even know about this." Harry ends up, turning to leave, but is again stopped by the alpha, his grip much softer this time.

"I want to meet her." Louis recognizes, more calmly. His scent slightly softer than before. It momentarily catches Harry in a spiral, but he drives away the sensation and concentrates on looking at the alpha.

"I know." He says sincere. He had expected it. "So does she."

or Louis and Harry have a past and now it's time to face it.

62. solid as a stone (when everything is gone) by [ louisnights ] (20k)

“Why’d you take me with you?”

Louis startles at the question, the car almost swerving off the road in the process. He holds his breath as he waits for the twins to wake up and start wailing, but they don’t. They keep sleeping on peacefully, covered in the family blanket.

Harry’s looking at him with an unreadable expression.

Louis takes a minute, mulling it over. He answers quietly. “I hate to say it, but as much as we hate each other, I can’t bear to leave you alone to deal with this whole thing all by yourself.” and I wouldn’t be able to bear it if you died, he adds in his mind.

or, it's the zombie apocalypse and Louis is stuck with Harry, with whom he shares a complicated relationship with.

63. hard to confess by [ @hereforlou ] (24k)

One, they only did it without a condom once (and a half) and not during his heat. Never during his heat. Two, he never once forgot to take his birth control (he’s almost sure). Three, his plan is to be married for a year before he even starts trying for a baby, and not only is he very, very single, him and Louis aren’t even sleeping together anymore. Which brings him to reason number four why this can’t be happening: Louis. Louis doesn’t want a baby with Harry.

(Or, the one where Harry knows he messed up and Louis knows nothing.)

64. Stay Close, Hold Steady by [  jaerie ] (26k)

Found on the banks of the Mississippi as an toddler, Harry goes on a quest to find his biological family. Louis tries to be supportive, but maybe he just doesn't want to be left behind.

65. Let’s Embrace The Point Of No Return by [ sweaterpawstyles ] (33k)

Louis was a whole new scale of beautiful, he was richer than Harry could've ever imagined, and he was the most powerful, dominant alpha that Harry had ever come in contact with. The only problem now is that Louis is also Harry's boss.

Louis believed Harry was an alpha, and had no idea about how he had lied about his status just to get an interview with Louis. He was in too deep now and he couldn't look back.

Or

Harry is an omega intern at an all alpha company. Louis is his boss. There's some complications.

66. All These Lights by [  MediaWhore ] (34k)

“People vote for alphas because they’re strong and they’re not only beautiful but also mesmerizing. They make you want to give them all of your attention, make you want to beg for some of theirs back. They’re shiny, oozing sex appeal and a commanding presence, and people always want more and more. Omegas are enticing too for sure, but it’s not the same. It makes people uncomfortable. It doesn’t make them want to root for you.”

the canon fic where Harry is an omega and dreams come with a price.

67. I Sail With You by [ @afangirlfantasy ] (35k)

Against his wishes, Omega Prince Harry Styles is arranged to mate with someone he doesn’t love, much less knows. Though he pleaded to his parents incessantly, they not only refuse to comply but force him to depart on a ship days later. Harry prays for fate to step in, to change what’s to come, however, the answer he is given is not exactly in the form he had hoped.

Enter Will Tommo – deadliest pirate captain of all seven seas.

68. Watch the Sun Coming Up by [ @sadaveniren ] (36k)

As Louis approaches his thirtieth birthday his pack is desperate for him to find a mate.

Harry has always expected one day he may settle down with a nice alpha and they would continue to live in his small hometown.

Together they somehow will make this work.

69. I Think You're Already Home by [ jaerie ] (38k)

Seeing Louis Tomlinson today, it would be hard to guess that he was ever once a member of the world's most famous boyband. These days he doesn't even the leave his own house. The truth is he can't leave his own house. He can't even remember the last time just standing at an open door didn't send him into a debilitating panic attack. But, against his friend's advice, Louis is ready to add meaning to his life again. He's ready to start a family. So what if he doesn't have an omega? There are plenty of surrogacy services just waiting to help the rich and famous become parents. He just has to find the right one for the job.

70. We Got The World Shaking by [ FutureMrsHaroldStyles ] (39k)

Suddenly Louis is taking Harry’s hand in his own and turns to his sister. “I’m taking him to my room. Don’t worry I’m going to take care of him. Now go and enjoy your party, little sis!” And with that Louis leads Harry to the elevator. The thoughts in Harry’s head are going wild but they all come down to Fuck am I really gonna spend my heat with Louis Tomlinson?

Or the one where Harry goes into heat at his best friend Lottie's birthday party and her big brother helps him out.

71. Seeing Blind by [ @sugarbabyomega ] (46k)

Louis finally turns his head in Liam’s direction, knows his face is showing the longing he’s been aching with ever since it took root in his chest. “What the fuck do I do, Liam? He wouldn’t want me like that, but I want-” his voice cracks, and he turns his face back downwards. “What do you do when you’re not perfect for the person who’s perfect for you?”

OR the one where Harry’s an independent omega who likes to have his fun and Louis is the blind alpha that changes Harry’s priorities.

72. I'll Be Here Waiting on Forever by [ sweaterpawstyles ] (46k)

A Romeo and Juliet AU where Louis is an alpha prince who falls in love with Harry, an omega prince from the neighboring kingdom

73. Si Pudiera Volar by [ messofgorgeouschaos ] (68k)

When Harry’s fiancé leaves him for his cousin, he looks the other way for the sake of his happiness. He’ll do anything to forget about him, including joining a monastery. It isn’t until his cousin’s former lover, a pirate, appears that he realizes everything is not as it appears, and an honest pirate might be the only person worthy of his heart.

Or, a fic loosely based on Corazon Salvaje.

74.  A Distant Hazy Light by [ green_feelings ] (76k)

Life’s pretty ordinary for Harry. He lives with his best friend, got into university just like he’s planned, and manages to support himself just fine for an unbonded omega. If he sustains that lifestyle by getting paid to help alphas through their rut every now and then, that’s nothing to be hung up on. Until he’s hired by an alpha that turns everything upside down.

Or, Harry’s working on taking Louis’ walls down, until he builds his own up.

75. Face Your Fears by [ SadaVeniren ] (92k)

Harry is a single father, pretending to be a beta after his alpha mated him and left him. He’s getting by just fine raising the twins when Louis walks into his bakery. Too bad him and Louis will never be a thing.

76. Pretty Please (With Sugar On Top) by [ angelichl ] (113k)

Harry is a sugar baby omega who cons rich alphas for a living. Louis is a rich alpha with too much self-control.

77. Take Me As I Am by [ lovelarry10 ] (117k)

“Suppressant? But… why would I need a suppressant? Alphas don’t take suppressants.”

“You’re right, they don’t.”

****

Secrets. Lies. Deception. Betrayal. Self-discovery.

Alpha. Omega. How far will they go to hide the truth?

78. But Please, Don't Bite by [ @shyshyserious ] (122k)

"Melodic little jingle sounded from a bell hanging over the doorframe and warm indoor air curled heavily around his shivering body for the first time in months. Harry suddenly felt a sting in the corners of his eyes and had to force down a broken sob. Fuck, he was a mess. Such a mess. He had to focus." 

79. sometimes green and sometimes blue by [ itsmiz ] (511k)

Harry's an omega, and Louis is an Alpha. They're best friends growing up together on the outskirts of Washington, D.C., but they've always been a bit more than friends.

[paullicino]

The Tower

The first time I saw the tower was from the highway. I don’t judge distances so well, but it must’ve been less than a mile away.

We were speeding off to some hellish department store or other, the sort that stock everything without any of it being any good, because Catherine wanted to bring popcorn to the party we were crashing.

The highway offers views of very little between concrete overpasses and pro-life billboards, because it cuts into the hills like an asphalt ravine. There isn’t exactly scenery along that route, either. It’s all condos or woodland still petrified by the winter.

The party was bad. Catherine and I dug ourselves into one corner of an apartment that we could tell hadn’t been properly cleaned for over a year and I sneezed over and over. It was the sort of place where you find the table has just been cleared, but there’s layers of dust or grime under the furniture, behind the television or around the toilet. Catherine really wanted to go because she had a serious crush on the woman who lived there, or did until she ran her finger across a shelf and showed me what it had collected.

The second time I saw the tower, I asked about it. We weren’t taking the same route, but we were headed about the same way, off to collect some secondhand furniture I’d offered to help load. Catherine said it was an old lookout tower, something for visitors to scale, but I couldn’t imagine what it would look over. It barely topped the trees around it and would only offer views of somnambulant suburbia. It was only as we were driving back the other way that I realised we’d probably been along a few of these roads many times over. I asked why we’d not seen it more but Catherine shrugged and said that her eyes were always on the road anyway. I tried looking past her during what I thought was the right part of the journey, but a thick fog was settling and the most I got to see was an ad telling me how large a foetus was after six weeks.

I wasn’t from around there, but being on the road is good for someone who writes travelogues. “Find curious nuggets of local history while you’re out there,” my agent had said. His voice crackled on the phone like he was broadcasting through an old time radio.

I asked Dani about it. She’s lived in that town all her life and knowing everything about the area is a point of pride for her. She said it might well have been part of the old state park or fairground or something. She said the place had been a huge deal when she was young, that Goldwater had visited it at some point, but that it closed sometime in the early eighties. A bunch of similar things had opened out of town and they were all bigger and better. Then, a gang of kids had broken in and burned the whole place down a few years later, leaving only the tower standing.

I said that the tower didn’t look fire damaged to me, but I suppose it must have been lucky. Dani mentioned that there’d been one of those classic, entirely wooden roller coasters close by and that there’s absolutely no trace of it now.

I couldn’t imagine anything catching light in that place. I’d watched winter crawl on like an alabaster purgatory, to eventually be replaced by an eternally dribbling, gurgling thaw. The overwhelming sense that you get from this place is of dampness.

--

It was Tom who confirmed for me where the tower stood, on a slight rise on the edge of where the interstate meets the new route into town. It’s dead land nowhere near anything any more, unless you count a water treatment facility as interesting. It would also explain why it’s only visible from certain approaches, thanks to several dips in the highway and the height of the shivering trees.

I loved the roof of the thing. It was the kind of mottled green that copper turns when you drench it in time. When we were finally passing by once more, I tried to point this out, but Catherine was keeping her eyes simultaneously on a tailgater and a truck that wouldn’t stay in its lane. I took a picture, knowing I only had about a fortnight left in town, but it came out blurry and streaked, all greys merged together.

Then I got caught up in this damn public reading thing and my life become some real stupid bullshit. The faculty couldn’t work out first what time of day my reading was, even what days of the week I should be there. Then some crow-voiced man from the accounting department told me they weren’t sure if the university could pay foreigners or pay into foreign bank accounts. All of this after they booked me as one of the festival headliners.

The literary festival was also where I met Gary. I have a particular prejudice against anyone called Gary, on account of their being called Gary, and this man further justified that. He began the final day’s party (which he constantly referred to as a soiree) with a homophobic opener, then started disparaging travel writers, before arguing with a bunch of us on very petty points of style. He was desperate for me to write a blurb or a quotation for his next book and he would not leave me alone.

He was also local, and when he spoke on how deindustrialisation had radically altered the town, I thought to use all the energy he was hurling at me to find out something about the tower.

He erupted, babbling about some gothic or neo-gothic thing, something probably built before the First World War, and how terrific it was, before I could properly explain what I’d seen and where. He told me I was referring to the old water tower and then insisted that there was a Victorian folly on the spot that I described. Yes, it was a wonderful civic curio, he said, maybe his favourite, but it was dilapidated and all but cut off from any kind of public access now.

I wasn’t convinced and this produced more offence than I expected. He began a flustered effort to find photos to show me, but it was fruitless. At the same time, I tried to find anything that would show what I was talking about, but made no progress either, even when I was able to get some old photos of the state park. His persistence combined with my rapidly-waning patience spoiled what was supposed to be an enjoyable end to the festival and by the close of the evening I was convinced that Gary and I truly hated each other. Still, as the taxis lined up outside, I saw him framed in the faculty doorway, saluting me with a highball in one hand.

“I’ll call you for that blurb, yeah?”

--

I was working in a neighbourhood café when I saw it again. It was my last day in town and the first clear day in a month, the kind of day where you can see for miles.  I’d looked up from my proofs and there it was, as tiny and meek and distinct as a baby’s toenail. Its green top crested the trees and its off-white body, narrow and cylindrical, made it a faux fairytale thing teleported from a foreign, fantasy land.

I worked for a while longer before taking a walk. I went a few blocks in the direction of the tower, but the incline of the street and a few hulking warehouse conversions meant I lost all sight of it very quickly. I tried a couple of parallel streets, but they didn’t offer quite the right perspective. Then, Gary called.

“I read your essay on Anchorage,” he said. “It’s great, except I’m not sure your gold rush dates are right. Actually, a gold rush might not be the right description of it.”

He sounded as didactic as his critiques of Woolfe. “I’m looking at the tower right now,” I lied. “It’s green and white.”

“I’m not sure what that is,” he said. “Maybe it’s the top of the false facade on that Mexican restaurant? I wanted to talk about that blurb.”

“It’s definitely by the water treatment plant.”

“The tower is stone, square and grey,” Gary said. “It wasn’t part of the fair. They incorporated it into the grounds as they built around it, later. Did you know that a bunch of kids tried to burn it down? Why would you try to burn down a stone tower?”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. It was cold, the sky had clouded and drizzle was beginning to fall.

--

“I don’t know what that is,” said Tom, when he met me for a beer later. “Gary is talking about some sort of crumbling Victorian thing, sure, which is or was part of some rich dude’s estate. But I don’t know any green tower.”

“White.”

“The state park fair thing is brown. A sort of sandy brown and half wood, half stucco. I don’t know what it is that you’ve seen, but yeah, that guy is full of crap. Did you ask Dani about it? Hey, we can drive round there now if you want, but you won’t see anything in the dark. Unless you want me to park on the highway and then have us climb the fence into the sewage place.”

“It’s okay, I’m flying out tonight.”

“I broke into a power substation once. That was fun.”

“What happened?”

“I got arrested.”

--

Catherine gave me a ride to the airport and a surprise story to go with it. She said she had been dating the untidy apartment woman “against my gut’s better judgement.” Rene, her name was, and she designed magazines. Catherine had started dating her and then she’d almost immediately stopped dating her. It beat any gossip I had.

“That woman’s insecurities are a rudder that steer her away from facing anything. I could see her piloting us both into the rocks of ruin because she was so damn scared, right off the bat.”

I said that someone else’s insecurities are a reef that tears out your keel before you even get to the obvious rocks anyway, before telling her that she should hurry up and finish her damn novel so that Gary and I could call up and pester her for blurbs. Then, Gary called again to ask for his blurb and Catherine damn near died from trying to laugh silently while keeping the car on the road.

“I’ve found your tower,” he said, in that rolling cadence that rarely gave any room for reply. “And once I get a bit closer, I’m going to send you a photo. Then will you send me a blurb?”

“Where are you?”

“I went through an old pedestrian underpass. You wouldn’t know it. So, will you?”

“I’m getting on a plane, Gary,” I said. Shortly after, I got on a plane.

I landed and crawled into a taxi and the book tour that everyone else was excited about started.

--

I slept in a motel that smelled like sour milk, missed my alarm and Catherine woke me with a call at ten the next day.

“Gary’s dead,” she said.

She told me he’d been found at the water treatment place, face-down in the middle of open ground. His phone was in one hand, half-smashed, and the first responders on the scene said it looked like he’d fallen from a great height. She said that everyone at the faculty was very sad. I sat on the end of my bed and failed to invent a good excuse to avoid the day’s signing.

I got a text from Gary a few days later, probably as someone switched his phone back on to examine it. It was a picture message that my phone said was corrupted. The officer who called to clear up some details told me not to worry about it. He asked me lots of things I didn’t know about Gary’s agent. He said there was no tower in the area, but he knew a steeple nearby that had long outlasted its church.

I’ve been driven around to readings and signings the last few days. The weather has thickened and they say it’s unseasonably cold. I’m waiting for everything to hurry up.

I saw the tower from the road again today. I’m two states south.

This work was funded entirely by my supporters on Patreon. If you enjoyed it, please consider supporting me there and helping me create even more things like this. My Patreon also features a wealth of additional exclusive writing, diary entries and travelogues!

[lilliputianmerriell]

Not exactly made up since it's by Wilfred Owen. Dulce et Decorum Est

Hifriend!

I am not very familiar with this poem but I did notice the particularline you mentioned when skimming through it; “The old lie: Dulce et decorum estPro patria mori (it is sweet andhonourable to die for one’s country)”. It carries such a hint of beautifulbitterness to it that I think could be done a lot with.

I was intending to only write a quick snippet of how I thought it’d pan out but thisturned into a whole thing. So, I’m sorry and enjoy? 

They’dbeen marching for days.

Snafucould feel the punctured blisters on the soles of his feet and toes rubbingagainst the rough material of his shoes, slowly gnawing their way through hisflesh. If he survived long enough to see the end of this goddamn war, therewould probably be nothing left of his feet. Still, maybe losing them meant thathe’d finally be allowed to sit down. God, he was so fucking tired.

“Rightfoot, left foot, right, left, walkin’ our fuckin’ asses off. When we allowed torest, huh? Ain’t goin’ to do much good against the japs if we can’t fuckin’stand,” Snafu complains loudly into the air, hoping someone would take the baitand entertain him.

“Shouldn’tbe saying that too loud, they might incarcerate you to set an example,” Eugene sayspatiently from next to him. That boy always came through for Snafu. He looksabout as done and tired as Snafu feels though.

“Aw,would’ya miss me, Sledgehamma’?” Snafu teases, smirking over in Eugene’sdirection.  

Eugenehuffs and adjust his helmet, so he can meet Snafu’s challenging gaze. “You’dwish.”

Snafu’ssmirk melts into a self-satisfied one before he says, “At least if I’m in thebrigh I won’t have to trudge through mud that’s about to crawl up to my asshole.”

“Areyou tryin’ to seduce me by waxing such poetics, Shelton?”

“Workedlast night, didn’t it?” Snafu quips quietly, only loud enough for Eugene tohear.

Itmakes Eugene frown. He doesn’t like Snafu mentioning their…thing amongst theother men. He doesn’t want anyone finding out. It scared him more than any warever seemed to do.

Still,it didn’t keep them from dreaming of the future. Snafu telling Eugene how theycould get an apartment together after the war and Eugene could study whileSnafu worked. It is dangerous to fantasise like that but it is what keeps Snafugoing these days. Eugene is what keeps him from going asiatic.

“I’mjust sayin’ this ain’t the shit we were promised, alright? Describing it likesome sort of glorious venture, servin’ your country,” Snafu says to change thesubject and get the frown off Eugene’s face. He snorts humourlessly. “Yet, herewe are and we ain’t got no fuckin’ water and ain’t gettin’ no fuckin’ breaks. We’venot sat down for hours, barely slept. Can’t remember last time I took a propershit. When I thought I might die for my country, this ain’t how I imagined ithappenin’.”

Eugenepresses his lips together, seeming thoughtful, but is interrupted before he canvoice whatever is on his mind.

“Shutup. I am sick of hearin’ you bitching,” Leyden says obnoxiously as he presseshimself in-between the small space separating Eugene and Snafu. “You need toman up and get that stick out of your ass.”  

“Ain’teveryone who’s been on colony vacation and getting our toenails painted likeyourselves, Leyden.”

“DoI detect jealousy, Shit-‘n-ass?”

LieutenantMac eventually gets sick of listening to the two of them bickering and ordersfor a short break on one of the small hills off the road. Burgie, Leyden,Eugene and Snafu settle down in a circle while Peck and Hamm sits a bit off tothe side muttering between themselves. They were new and fresh, and still foundthe company of the older marines a bit intimidating.

“I’mgoing for a leak,” Eugene declares after a little while, trudging over the topof the hill for some privacy.

Noone really heeds it any mind before there’s a loud explosion from the directionEugene had just walked off in, dirt and smoke flying everywhere in the wake ofthe deafening noise.

Snafuisn’t even aware he is on his feet before he is halfway over the hill,instinctively running towards the source of the sound and Eugene. There arepeople shouting warnings from behind him but they fall on deaf ears as Snafu’smind only focuses on one thing: make sure Eugene is safe.

Thesight that greets him on top is a cloud of smoke crawling along the ground andaway from a crater in the ground. It takes a moment before Snafu spots Eugenethrough the smoke, hears the guttural sound of someone gurgling on blood beforehe recognises the fiery red hair of his.

Snafuis by his side in an instant, his hands hovering over the gaping hole in Eugene’sstomach before they press down determinately, trying to keep his intestinesfrom spilling out. Eugene coughs up blood as Snafu pushes at his wound, a gutturalsound that is too similar to someone drowning.

Internal bleeding, Snafu’s mind supplies distantly,though it doesn’t provide an answer as to how he could fix this. Eugene’s eyesswivel around in his skull, his face twisting in pain, and Snafu could onlywatch as Eugene bleeds out.

“Medic!I need a medic,” Snafu screams hoarsely, though don’t lift his eyes to see if anyoneis coming. They are firmly locked with Eugene’s ones which has stilled on Snafu’sface when he heard his voice.

Tremblinghands clutches onto the front of his shirt in a weak grip, smearing Snafu’schest in blood and guts, and Snafu grasps that hand in his, gripping tight untilhe can feel the bone in Eugene’s hand jarring together, but Eugene doesn’t giveoff any signs as to noticing.

“Youcan’t leave me,” Snafu whispers, for the first time noticing that he is crying.“Eugene, please.”

Eugenesqueezes his hand weakly in response, but when he opens his mouth to respond heonly coughs up more blood. Tear tracks are running down his face, cleaning awayweeks old grime, and Snafu makes an effort to wipe it away.

There’sfear in Eugene’s eyes, but also understanding and acceptance. Snafu can’taccept this though, he can’t. He feels like he is dreaming, or rather, having anightmare. Eugene can’t leave him, because what does he have then? What willmake him want to keep going?

Suddenly,they are surrounded by voices and a flurry of activity. Inactive shell, someonesays. Shrapnel cutting into vital organs, someone else says.

Snafuis deaf to it all as Eugene’s lips move, trying to say something, and he leansforward to hear what he says. Before Snafu can properly register the wordsthough, Eugene is ripped away from his grip. All Snafu can do is to watchhelplessly as they carry Eugene away as his mind runs rampant with trying towrap itself around what is happening.

Andhe cannot help but think, oh how they’d been lied to. There was nothing sweetand honourable about young men losing their life for their country, nothingfitting about it when Eugene he draws his last, whispered breath, his wordsringing in Snafu’s ears;

I love you.

[mygiantesslove]

Christmas Eve at My Cousins Feet

A Giant Angry Hormonal Teenage Girl

December 28th 7:01am

The next day you wake up and see the giant soles that you masturbated to and feel very awkward.  The thought of the soles of your cousin's feet turning you on and causing to act like a fool is something that makes you feel very weird inside.

"Oh man what the hell came over me? Why do I keep trying to convince myself that the only option I have is to become Bianca's devoted foot slave? I've been through many traumatic experiences inside and under my family these past few days, I hope I'm not losing my mind? It was only a weird lust for her feet. Just a weird lust for her feet. That's all. (Sigh) Oh man, do I really still want to do this? She is the only one who can help me grow back because she is the one who shrank me? I suppose whether or not I really want to be her foot slave, at the very least I'll have to play the part to find out how she shrank me and then find the antidote. If there is an antidote?"

You walk over to Bianca's heel and begin to push as hard as you can. It only caused her to reposition her foot to lay on its side, so you climbed between her toes and start squirming between them hoping that you would tickle them enough to wake your sleepy cousin up. Bianca moans groggily and then instinctively kicks you back onto the bed. It was a relatively rough landing but when you look up you see your cousin rubbing her eyes and then widening in response to seeing what she thought she lost forever.

"Jake? JAKE! Is that really you? OMG, I'm so happy! I thought I lost my foot slave and you were stuck underneath someones shoe and dragged outside. I looked all over the place for you, you have no idea."

Bianca's joy is rivaled with a kid in a candy store. She just got her favorite toy back, but her expression quickly changes from happiness to anger.

"I can't Believe you, Jake. I go out of my way to show you what everyone's feet smell like to further appreciate mine and you take all the time in the world so your sister puts her shoes on with you in them. You should have come out on your own. Do I have to tell you to do everything? Don't you realize you could've been lost forever? I bet that's what you wanted huh? To escape and go smell some other girls feet. And what would've happened if Jennifer had found you? She probably would've have wanted to grow you back and then I wouldn't have had a foot slave anymore. Would you like that Jake? If I didn't have a foot slave anymore and you wouldn't have to live under my feet forever?"

Jakes Thoughts. (Well yeah duhhhh.  Do you really think I've always dreamed to be your slave? Ooo she's getting mad, I should probably answer her now.)

"Bianca I...(Stomp)"

Before you even had a chance to speak, Bianca, still sitting on her bed lifted her light purple pajama-clad leg up and sent the sole of her bare foot crashing down on you in anger. You saw her light green panties through her leg hole. It turned you on for a second, but you became instantly distracted by pain when she started to twist and turn her foot, grinding you into the soft bed. You were lucky you weren't on the hard floor, but it still didn't feel good.

"Jake. I can't have this. I can't risk you trying to escape me anymore. Don't you realize how important you are to me?

"I...I am?"

"Yes. If you weren't around, then who would massage and take care of my feet for me. Don't you realize that of all the boys in the world I wanted you to be living underneath them? You Jake, out of everyone, you were the lucky guy I wanted to serve me. Do you know how many guys would fall in line just to be able to give me a foot rub, just to be able to touch my skin? They would be honored."

Jakes Thoughts ( Yeah they might, but when her big toe is bigger than their entire body, they might think otherwise and run away, like I first did.)

"I'm sorry Bianca. Please forgive me, I beg you. I didn't mean to get worn as Jenny's insole. She surprised me I swear."

"Shut up. You wanted to be found so you could show off that you've been shrunk.  Just so you can get all the attention from everybody like you always do. That's another reason why I shrunk you. Nobody's gonna think you're so great when you're massaging my heels and painting my toenails as a career. With you underfoot in your rightful place, people will pay more attention to me and I'll feel great knowing that the boy who used steal it from me is currently squirming between my sweaty and smelly toes in my gym socks. I'd be wiggling my toes just so you could feel the full force of them pounding you while I got all the glory.

"Bianca, please...

"Exactly. That's all I want to hear from you. My name and you begging me for something. It's what someone in your position should be doing. Begging a giantess for mercy or approval. Wait till you meet my friends. They'll tear you apart. That is If I decide to show you to them. And that all depends on you, Jake."

Jake never thought about her friends before.  Just one spoiled brat as an owner was bad enough.  How many girls was she going to share him with and what would their reactions be?

"Why are you doing this to me?"

"Because I can. Why can't you understand that? I'm Bigger. You're Smaller. Therefore you do Everything I say without question or you face my wrath and punishments. Like right now for example. You let yourself get taken away by your older sister and then took an Entire day to get back to me so now your being crushed underfoot. Am I enjoying this? Yes. Would I rather have one of your famous foot rubs? Oh God Yes. But you disobeyed me and this is what happens to puny shrunken slaves that disobey their giant mistresses. Start licking the old sock lint between my toes. Maybe then I'll decide not squish you into a gooey paste beneath me."

Bianca's arch lifted up a little at her heel and you could breathe easy again. However she repositioned her foot and lowered her toes on you, so they were tongue reachable. You saw the fuzzy sock lint between each of her toes and didn't want that foul cotton lint inside your mouth. Even though this would make you a hypocrite after last night, you decided to refuse her request because you didn't like the way she was treating you.

"No, I won't do it. you're going to have to treat me nicer than this if you want me to be an obedient foot slave"

"What did you just say to me?"

Bianca's big and second toes lash at you and seal around your face so fast you barely knew what happened. She squeezed your head in a jaw breaking, vice grip and said

"You do not speak to me like that. I am your owner and will not tolerate any disobedience from my pets. I thought you were learning your pathetic place in life as a lesser being beneath my perfect soles? But it seems I haven't made my point clear enough yet. I'll have to give you a punishment that will make you never want to escape or back talk to me ever again."

Bianca searched around the room and looked for something she could use to punish her stupid cousin. Bras, Dirty underwear, used tissues and tampons in her garbage all crossed her mind. Until she saw an item that she had worn many times before, for many years. An evil smile formed on the young teenage girl's cute face.

As you saw that malicious grin appears on her face, you realized your error of making a giant angry girl even angrier.

"Bianca, Wait I'm sorry...I know I belong at your feet, please don't do this....I..."

"Too Late Jake. It looks like you're going to be in a living hell for the next 3 days inside my............."

[tina-incambodia]

Service Interrupted.

I have so much to say but I'm not sure I could put it into words that would successfully complete the journey from my mushy brain to my shaky finger tips. I wasn't planning on ever having a "Part 2." I planned on an 11 day vacation in the 9th month of my service. Instead, I left my home for about 8 weeks. Home? What's home?

“You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.”

― Miriam Adeney

June 14, 2018

I'm sitting in the airport. The same one I sat in almost one year ago to leave the first time, but it couldn’t feel more different now. I have people, whole families that love me on both sides of the planet. I have two bedrooms, thousands of miles apart. I am welcomed at countless dinner tables and patio chairs, yet I couldn’t feel more lost or, most of all, homeless. So I'm back on a plane to search for a feeling and chase a dream. It is a wonderful yet painful experience to have a heart so full yet stretched so, so thin, 8,671 miles to be exact. 

So, 8 weeks is a long time to be home… or be away from home…? It’s a long time to be so unsure of and have no control over what comes next. Limbo, as I like to refer to it. With Peace Corps as the facilitator, I've spent many, many months of the past few years in limbo. And the answer to most questions during those times is, "I don't know." Not "I don't know," because I don’t want to tell you, but because I truly don’t know. I don’t know when I'm leaving. I don’t know if I'm staying. I don’t know what I'm hoping for either. That is one real thing I've learned. When Peace Corps used the word, "flexible," years ago, I can say now that I had absolutely no knowledge of what that word actually means. To be flexible with coming or going, and staying or leaving, in regards to home…. And to know and understand that hoping worrying for either end is, to be frank, useless. To reach a place in your mind where either and any option will be okay for you. On small scales this is simpler; having flexible eating habits, for example comes more easily. Sure, I won't be happy about eating my 536th bowl of rice this year but hey, I'm flexible. This is the definition of flexibility I expected when I signed my name in the little box 2 years ago. 

The universe throws you for loops, and through hoops, under falling rocks, and over oceans. "It doesn’t get any easier along the way, it just gets different." I had been looking forward to my  April vacation to the US for about 8 months. At the beginning of September, not even 2 months into my service, my nephew Camden Jorge was born and it broke my heart to miss out. I was determined to visit home the first chance I had so I could meet this gentle bundle of joy before he took his first steps. And my niece too; we had countdowns and plans far in advance to bake a cake and have a sleepover. I had 11 days home and every moment was precious. That was the plan. 11 days, 1 family party, 1 sleepover, a trip to Boston, and a lot of pizza and buffalo chicken. I had been dreaming about the damn buffalo chicken… I got to have it many, many more times than I had expected, because instead of a short 11 days, I was home for 8 weeks: 2 weeks of vacation and 6 weeks of medical evacuation…. 

August 17, 2018 

To cut to the point: I was knocked to the ground and stepped on by an elephant. Yup, you read correctly, an elephant. I was traveling alone to a sanctuary and reservation in Modulkiri, a province in northeast Cambodia, for what I hoped would be a peaceful and adventurous retreat before I went back to the states. There were 9, lucky for me, very kind helpful people on our tour and we had just taken a crazy ride in the back of a pick-up into the jungle and met the first two elephants of the five we would see that day. My fear and apprehension in the face of the gentle beasts had worn off in time to meet Lucky, a 72 year old female who likes to live alone across the river from the others. I was the last one to join the tour group when we found her thanks to a young woman dressed more for a picturesque summer pool party than a trek in the Cambodian jungle. Needless to say, she had a little trouble keeping up in her Forever 21 flip-flops and I was stuck behind her for the walk. By the time I arrived, Mr. Tree, the guide and owner of the sanctuary, had already finished his introduction to Lucky, which apparently was very important to hear as this elephant is especially particular about how she is fed. I asked a young French woman who I had spoken with earlier to take a few pictures as I fed Lucky.

We were in a tight space surrounded by tall grass; the 9 of us just fitting into the nooks and crannies of the paths created by the elephants and their trainers. I stood about a foot from Lucky as I fed her and touched her truck. In the next moment, she turned towards me and rammed the strongest part of her against my chest and neck. My head whipped backwards and I fell to the ground away from her but my lower extremities were still in her reach. The knock to the ground scared me but didn’t hurt just yet. It was the excruciating pain I immediately felt in my right foot. As I shot up, pushing the branches of the bush I fell into out of my way, my thoughts were racing and I expected a bag of bones for a foot. Luckily, (no pun intended) my foot was still in the shape of a foot. From what I could see, my first and fourth toenails had bent all the way back, and my third toe was unmistakably dislocated. I have never had any broken bones before but some sort of instinct kicked in and I fixed what I could; maybe thinking it would help the pain subside. I pushed my toenails back down and popped my dislocated toe back into place. I cringe thinking about it now, even after telling the story hundreds of times. Mr. Tree sat down in front of me and asked if I was okay. "This has happened to four girls before you," he said. Searching for some comic relief, I responded, "Oh, you don’t put that on your website do you?" He didn’t think the comment was so funny. I could tell from his wide-eyed worried face, probably thinking what would happen if I was the next review on TripAdvisor. I winced as he tried to pull all my toes into the right place, just like you do when you might be trying to crack your knuckles. I had to get up and out of the bush and get to some place of comfort. An older Canadian man traveling with his wife helped me to a small clearing. I grabbed my makeshift med kit, which I would later learn, didn’t contain even half of what I needed to care for an actual injury, from my backpack and popped three Peace Corps issued Ibuprofens.  My fellow tourists gave me clean wipes, elevated my foot with their backpacks, and sat by me while I processed the trauma. The Canadian woman sat by me and rubbed my shoulders, breathed with me, and talked me through my fits of sobbing, laughing, and complete and utter disbelief. "What the actual fuck?!" I kept repeating. “How could this happen? How did I just get attacked by an elephant?” I didn’t know it then but, for the next two months family, friends, and strangers would try to answer these hypothetical questions with such wise words, “Well, at least it’s a good story.” I can’t count how many times I’ve heard that one. I sat on a log and waited for a truck from in town to deliver the stretcher I would involuntarily be carried out of the jungle on. Usually, when I'm hurt, I try to act tough, I don’t ask for help, I hold back the tears and carry on. This time, I wanted to do all those things but absolutely could not. I tried to walk and crumbled in the pain and as we sat and waited the adrenaline and shock wore off and the pain only got worse. So, four Khmer men lifted me up and I was dubbed, "Queen of the Jungle."

We returned to the lodge perched above the jungle and the girl I had asked to take my picture helped tape my toes and as the rest of the tourists continued on with the planned excursions for the day, I sat looking out at the Cambodian canopy skyline all afternoon ruminating over my recent trauma and convincing myself the injury wasn't that bad. At least I had a great view. They don’t do anything for broken toes anyway, right? (wrong) In addition to a hammock for the night, the tour provides a traditional Khmer dinner and rice wine too. I didn’t want to miss out on any of it. I waited till the next morning, said good bye to my helpful, kind fellow adventurers, climbed up a big hill to reach the tuk-tuk and returned to the lodge in town. Cutting my peaceful adventure a few days short, I called PC explained the story and was delivered to the hospital in Phnom Penh, a 6 hour long car ride. 

The doctors in Phnom Penh showed me my X-rays and the breaks, gave me a huge ugly boot, and 3 prescriptions. I couldn’t process how real my injury was, even if it was just broken toes. I would be spending my much treasured time at home in a big boot and on anti-biotics. I was devastated and, aside from the amazing PC Medical Officer, alone in Phnom Penh. I didn’t even tell my family at home. I didn’t want them to worry about me traveling home. And I mostly didn’t want to have to tell my story again and again before I had even processed it myself. I spent the next 3 days in a hotel room ordering delivery, binging netflix, soaking my swollen purple foot in ice cold water, and crying. It sounds dramatic, I know. It could have been much worse, I know. 

I tried to mentally prepare myself for the next 25 hours of traveling, which is something I would, in a normal state, enjoy. Traveling alone gives me a sense of independence and maturity. I like to explore airports, drink bloody marys at whatever time I damn well please, and if I'm in the right mood, talk to some strangers. I had even considered leaving the airport during my layover in Dubai. But this time, I was dreading it; dressed like a bum with swollen, "I've been crying for days," eyes, lugging around bags much too heavy for broken toes, and stuck in a bulky plastic boot. I didn't want a bloody mary, I wanted a hug and my bed. I had to ask for bulkhead seating so I could elevate my foot during the flight and get up and walk often to avoid blood clots. I didn’t think about how hard this might be on a full 16 hour flight from Dubai to Boston sitting in a window seat next to a very nice, but very sleepy, couple. 

So, I went home for vacation, arrived at the airport with a great story for the family and then did all the things as planned. I finally met my nephew, I had a sleepover with my niece, ate food I had been craving with the people I missed, and on the 8th day home had one little party so I could see my whole family before heading back. I saw a podiatrist the day after to make sure everything was healing correctly. It was healing... but nowhere close to where it needed to be for my main form of transportation to be a bicycle. The doctor said, "Your big toe is in 5 pieces...there is no way you are going back in 3 days. I'll see you in 3 weeks.” My jaw dropped, I hadn't expected this at all. When I was in Cambodia PC had already seen the x-rays and ruled I'd be just fine to come back. Turns out the expert podiatrist thought differently. I called PC. I’d be home for 6 more weeks.

An extended vacation, you say? Oh! How wonderful! More time to spend with family and friends, more buffalo chicken and quality beer, maybe even a beach day? Great point. The thing is, my partner planned to leave for Cambodia the following week. In the most romantic and wild gesture, he quit his jobs, tied up loose ends and we planned spend the next 3 months in the same country  figuring out if we could make it work after spending the last year on opposite sides of the world trying to move on and failing at it quite miserably. It was a crazy thing to even think about. I had left for Cambodia almost a year ago and now he would be coming too; for us. We had been planning this for months now and we were so close, but the universe doesn’t care about your plans! So now, with flights booked already, he would leave for Cambodia and I'd be home. And we would be on opposite sides of the world, yet again all because of this elephant ironically named, Lucky. If I believed in signs like I say I do… I think this was one for the books. The universe with all its magic and power was pulling us apart once again. Writing this now, 4 months later, I still can't believe it all happened. I'm not sure Hollywood or even the infamous Lifetime could write this story. 

Before I was assigned medical evacuation status, I thought of it quite romantically; that'd be nice… six weeks home. I could use an extended vacation from bucket showers and rice. And it was nice. It was great to have so much extra, unexpected time with family and friends. I was home for mother’s day and my brother’s college graduation (peek my big ugly boot in the pic).  I even fit in a beach day. But I really didn’t expect all the mental and emotional challenges that come along with living in such a state of limbo for 6 weeks, in which I had no control of the outcome. Did I want to return to PC? Yes. Was I completely sure of that answer? No. But was I ready to quit? Hell no. Was it even in my hands? Nope. If I wasn’t healed in 6 weeks, I would be "medically separated," essentially ending my service unless I wanted to apply to return at a later date. If my foot didn’t heal correctly, I would need surgery, which would most definitely exceed my six week limit. The podiatrist explained where he would stick the three metal pins in my big toe if the 5 puzzle pieces weren't agreeing with each other.  I can’t count how many times or how many people, relatives, friends, old bar customers, and strangers, I told my story to. But I can say that my answer to their follow up questions was usually, "I don’t know." I had no clue when I was going back. I had no clue even if I was going back. And while I tried to swim in this state of uncertain limbo, I felt that I really didn’t have a place at "home" anymore. My friends were busy with jobs, boyfriends, and moving on with new cars and apartments. And although time with my family was great, many times my mind reminded me that this is what I was missing out on as I struggled to teach English and drink a gallon of water a day to make up for all the sweating on the other side of the world.  It had been years since I first decided I wanted to join PC, and I was facing the decision again, and it was harder than ever before.  I didn’t expect anyone's life to stop while I went on my big adventure, but I also didn’t expect to feel so lost and out of place when I returned. I loved eating chips and salsa on my couch alone, it was something I had been looking forward to, but I never expected to feel so lonely doing it. Yoga had become my saving grace throughout the past year of ups and downs and with 3 broken toes I couldn't even do that. And other activities I would have found peace in, hiking mountains, dancing, walking through parks, were all impossible for me. I felt the universe was giving me a big middle finger. Self-pity, I know, but that’s how I felt. I had waited almost a year to spend time with my partner again and he was traveling Thailand and Myanmar while I sunk into the couch. For a few weeks I really had no idea how to deal with all of these emotions. They say you are never alone but had this ever happened to anyone else in the history of the world? This crazy, unbelievable story of mine truly started to weigh me down. And having to tell it over and over again only to get the same advice or laughs or looks from each and every person was draining. All of my plans were crumbling in front of me and I had no control over what would happen next.

A long six weeks and several doctor appointments and x-rays later, I received medical clearance just in time. Leaving the second time was much harder than the first. The excitement of the unknown was lost and I knew I was going back to a challenge, one that I wasn’t even sure I wanted to take on again. After three long flights and two treacherous and stressful layovers, one of which if I hadn't been flying the same airline, I would have missed my next flight, I arrived in Phnom Penh close to midnight on June 17th. Two of my closest friends here surprised me at the hotel with a bouquet of freshly picked flowers and a few beers. We stayed up late catching up on the balcony overlooking the city. And just like that, I was back. It is months later now and I'm still not sure how I feel about it. Just last week someone said, "So happy you came back." I had heard that so many times since I returned. This time, I finally replied, "Me too," without the guilt of lying. I am happy I came back. It was a strange transition. It still is. I returned towards the end of the school year with energy and motivation dying down on the parts of both students and teachers. I hadn’t spoken any Khmer in 8 weeks. I felt, and still feel, such a loss of fluency, and more emotionally, a loss of belonging. I went home to America and didn’t belong there. I came back to Cambodia and didn’t belong here either. It was a tough and painful and at times still is, but all in all, home is where you make it; it just takes a lot of effort and time.

My partner was here for my first five weeks back; we spent our weekends together as planned, finally on the same side of the planet and in the same country. It was wonderful. We visited some of the most beautiful spots in Cambodia. My family here, in addition to welcoming me back after 8 weeks, also made him feel at home as well. It was heartwarming to witness my two worlds meeting. He left at the beginning of August. School vacation began at the same time and now I'm left with a crazy amount of free time which I'm hoping to fill with productive and fulfilling activities. I’ve been getting back into yoga, reading some good books, and prepping some eager 12th graders for their exam. All in all, I guess I’m pretty lucky to be here considering I was attacked by a 6,000 pound beast. So begins part 2 of my service. I am left with the task of jumpstarting my heart and mind to be fully here; committed and happy. 

[notsoguiltykpop]

I Taste Salt pt2

Namjoon X Reader

Mermaid AU

Genre: Fluff

Inspired by the saying: “May the two of you be so close that when one cries, the other tastes salt.”

Part 1, 2

Short synopsis: Finding a working phone is the highlight of your night. You get to look at the owners pictures, his selfies, his twitter, and you have quite a good time with it. Through a misfortunate event, the owner of the phone gets a picture of you--and your tail. The only way to get it back is to get a pair of legs and track him down.

“I need legs.” You told the sea witch. She studied you for a moment before laughing. 

“And what would a girl like you do with those?” She scoffed. “You don’t need legs. If you’re looking for love, there are lots of other fish in the sea, if you’ll excuse the pun.” 

“I have to find someone.” You said, still determined. This woman was your best--and possibly only--chance at finding Namjoon the angsty artist, and you weren’t about to let her talk you out of it. 

“Someone you love?” She raised an eyebrow. “Look, darling. I’ve heard it all before. And let me tell you, it doesn’t end well. Ever. You may not believe me now, but I’m doing you a favor.” 

“A human has a picture of me.” You said. Originally, you weren’t going to tell anyone about it. But you didn’t see any way around it, really. If you wanted her help, she had to understand your situation.

“A human that you love?” She raised an eyebrow quizzically, disimprovement clear in her voice. 

“No!” You put your hands on top of your head in frustration. “I don’t think you’re getting this. A human. Has a picture. Of me. Of my tail. On his phone. I have to destroy it before he does something stupid.”

The sea witches eyes widened. “You careless girl. You could get exiled for a slip up like this.” 

“I know.” You said. “I could be turned into a dolphin--or worse, have my tail taken for good. So you see why you have to help me now?” 

She eyed you for a moment in thought. “Let’s say I do help you. What do I get out of it?” 

You shook your head. “Anything. You name it. Just make it fast.”

The witches mouth curled into a smile. “I’ll have to think about it and get back to you. The legs will be the easy part. How exactly do you intend to find him? You know where he lives?”

“Well...” You paused. You weren’t really sure, you hadn’t thought that far yet. “No... Not exactly...Is there a tracking spell you can give me?”

The witch shook her head. “Figure out where he lives, then we’ll talk. No tacking spells.” She made a showing motion with her hands for you to get out of her cave, but you didn’t move. 

“I have his boot.” You said, reaching into your bag to pull it out. “I heard that all you need is something that belongs to the owner for a simple tracking spell, so don’t tell me you can’t.” 

“Of course I can.” She replied indignantly. “But that doesn’t mean that I will. No deal, get out.” 

“I don’t have time for this!” You practically wailed. She knew you were telling the truth--if the sea king found out about this before you had a chance to fix your mistake, all was lost. “Please, I’ll give you anything. Just give me legs and a way to find him.” 

She ran a hand through her hair, shooting you a dirty look. “You’re lucky I have a soft spot for wanna-be humans.” She grumbled finally. You almost pointed out that the whole point was that you didn’t want to be human, or anthing else besides a mermaid for that matter, but decided that this wasn’t the best time for that. “Tracking him will have...Side effects. Do you want to know what they are before you make up your mind?” 

“No.” You said with more confidence than you felt. “Don’t tell me. It won’t make a difference, my mind is made up.”

“It can’t be undone. You might not be so sure if--” 

You held up a hand. “I don’t really have a choice, so I’d rather not know.”

“Okay.” The women smiled. “Have fun on land, then. And try not to fall in love with any humans.”

After that, everything went dark.

You woke up on the beach in a bikini. On the one hand, you were grateful that the witch thought to give you some sort of covering. On the other, you wished it was a little warmer. The strings didn’t do mch against the cold and it was barely dawn. The sun wasn’t high enough in the sky to provide any heat.

You shivered slightly, getting on all fours. You could do this. You saw humans walk around all the time, it couldn’t be that hard. You tried to stand carefully, but gave up quickly. The sand felt strange between your toes--toes! You had toes.

You stopped to look at them, wiggling them in the sand. They looked so weird, and you already missed your red tail, but they weren’t all bad. The sea witch had seen that your toenails were painted a similar color as your tail, and it helped somewhat. 

“Are you Y/n?” A voice startled you out of your musing, and you looked up to see a tall man approaching you. He looked much more appropriately dressed, with a lightweight jacket and pants on. He held a blanket slung over one arm, and what you recognized to be flipflops in the other.

“How did you know that?” You asked hesitantly. 

“The sea witch told me you would be here.” He said. “But I’m guessing she forgot to tell you who I was.” You nodded, and he laughed. “She always does. My name is Seokjin, I’m a friend. I’m here to help you...transition smoothly, and fit in.”

“Oh.” You said, somewhat taken aback. “You’re a friend of the sea witch? I didn’t think she had any.” 

He held a hand out to help you up. “It’s a long story. For now, why don’t you tell me why you’re here, and what I can help with.” 

You nodded as he unfolded the blanket, wrapping it around your shoulders. “I’m here to find... someone...” As you spoke, you suddenly felt very dizzy and swayed slightly as your head throbbed. 

“A little vertigo is normal,” Seokjin said quickly, helping you to catch your balance. A sudden pull nearly knocked you off your feet, however, and you looked in the direction that it came from. 

“I--I think I need to go that way.” You said, though you couldn’t explain why.

Seokjin pursed his lips. “She mentioned a tracking spell... Why don’t we deal with that later, after you’ve eaten something and have some clothes on.” 

You nodded, though you were still looking in the direction that you felt you needed to go. It felt almost sickening to walk with Seokjin instead, heading the wrong way.

Namjoon was a nervous wreck ever since he got his phone back, and couldn’t quite seem to calm down. Jungkook made fun of him to no end, but that was probably due to the strange lie he’d told his friend. He said that when he tracked the women with his phone down, she dropkicked him into the ocean and ran away. If anyone else said it, Namjoon was sure Jungkook wouldn’t have believed the story, but it was just the sort of thing that would happen to Namjoon, and only Namjoon.

Despite how paranoid Namjoon currently was, he showed up for work like normal--he couldn’t really afford not to, no matter how bizarre his night was. Anyway, he figured some normalcy might do him some good. Instead, he managed to walk straight into an open cabinet door in his distracted state, and the owner of the little donut shop told him to sit down and put ice on his aching head.

For what felt like the millionth time, Namjoon pulled his phone from his pocket to look at the picture he took the night before. There was no doubt about it, the women looking back at him from the screen had a deep red tail and almost impossible to see scales on the side of her neck.

He might have been able to write it off as a very elaborate costume if he didn’t still remember the moment right after he took the picture. Your eyes turned an almost jet black, and your nails turned to talons as you lept at him.

He was sure the image would haunt him for the rest of his life. There was no way it was a costume, whatever creature attacked him that night was not human.

Nothing could have prepared him for the moment that you walked through the door wearing skinny jeans and a leather jacket over a crop top. 

“I’m looking for Namjoon.” You said to Minah, who was currently at the cash register. “Someone said I could find him here.”

“Namjoon, a cute girl is looking for you.” Minah called, but he had already made eye contact with you. 

“God help me.” Namjoon whispered as you smiled slowly. The monster found him, and he was sure he was about to die. 

“Can I talk to you for a moment?” You asked sweetly.

“I’m working.” Namjoon shook his head. “Sorry. Maybe some other time.” 

“You can spare a minute.” You said, leaning on the counter.

“It’s fine, Namjoon,” Minah said. “We don’t mind if you talk to your friend. You were just sitting there, anyway.”

Namjoon groaned internally. He never thought he’d see the day that he wished Mimah wasn’t so nice. 

“It’s about the picture.” You said pointedly.

“Picture?” Minah said, giving Namjoon a glance. You picked up on her suspicion quickly and used it to your advantage. “What kind of picture?”

“He has a picture of me that I would very much like him to delete.” You informed her. Minah instantly turned to glare at Namjoon.

“You perv! You better delete it!” 

“It isn’t like that!” Namjoon said quickly. The longer he looked at you, the more he was sure that whatever it was that he thought happened last night couldn't have really happened. You were just an ordinary girl who he thought had a tail and then transformed into a demon. But it had to have been a trick of the light, no matter how unlikely that seemed.“Can we talk about this outside?” He asked, and you narrowed your eyes for a second. 

“Alright.” You agreed. “After you.” You gestured at the side door. Once the two of you stood outside, you folded your arms. “Well?” You said expectantly.

“I already deleted it.” Namjoon lied.

“Then let me check.” You held out your hand, and he shook his head. 

“No way, you’ll just steal my phone again.” 

You took a step closer, looking deep into his eyes. “Give me the phone.” You said lowly.

“No, you weirdo.” Namjoon took a step back, and you looked completely perplexed. 

“Why didn’t that work...” You seemed to be talking more to yourself than you were to him, but then shrugged. “Fine, I’ll take it from you the hard way.”

You reached around him, aiming for his back pocket where you could see the phone sticking out. He stepped back quickly, catching your hand.

“Hang on a second--” He started, but you swung a kick at him before he realized what was happening. It hit him in the shin and you both doubled over in pain.

“Ow!” You complained, holding your leg. “I just got this, don’t break it!”

“You’re the one attacking me!” Namjoon snapped. “I didn’t touch you!” 

You slapped him a second later and you cried out again, holding your cheek.

“What in Atlantis’s name...” You stared at him with eyes wide as Namjoon backed away until he was pressed against the side of the building. So much for you being just a regular women.

“Is everything alright?” Minah called out, hurrying towards both of you. She must have seen what was happening from inside, and Namjoon wished she would have just called the police. 

“Minah, run, she’s crazy!” Namjoon said, but you snapped your fingers to get Minah’s attention. 

“Hey, listen.” You said, and instantly Namjoon could see a shift in Minah’s gaze. Her eyes became glassy, and she relaxed drastically. 

“Okay.” She agreed happily. “I’m listening.” 

“Everything you just saw? It doesn’t matter, right?” You said, and Minah nodded. “In fact, you care so little about it, that you’re going to forget I was even here by tonight.” 

“That sounds good.” Minah smiled.

“You’re going to go back inside and go about your day now, okay?”

Minah sighed as though in a dream. “Okay. Have a nice day.” And with that, she turned abruptly and walked away.

“What was that?” Namjoon whispered. “What did you do to Minah?”

You ran a hand through your hair before responding. “Something much nicer than what I’m going to do to you if you don’t delete that picture.”

A/N Happy new year! It’s been a while. I’m close to finishing the edited version of Disposable, so I’m hoping that will be up sometime soon (it’s nearing 50k total words holy moly and it has more steamy parts than the first time lol). My friend's little sister (she’s 15) just discovered BTS and she reads fanfics so I’m actually thinking about telling someone I know irl about this blog LOL, we’ll see where that goes. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed reading this! Let me know what you think! <3 <3 <3