#my therapist recommended i should write abt these things when i told her i write smut she was like whats stopping u

[poppy-metal]

BE SELF INDULGENT WITH YOUR WRITING DO IT NOBODY CAN STOP YOU BE A FREAK 🔥💪💪🔥💪🔥🔥

i have like very specific scenarios i wanna write abt some day or just talk about like

okay tmi for very personal darksided kinks LMFAO. like do NAWT read if you dont fuck w cnc, noncon, cucking, cheating, ddlg, incest ect. look AWAY

i wanna write about cnc like the genuine feelings of fear and panic as you're made aware of your own helplessness under someone else (looks at patrick) and then the euphoric release of being made to cum because it feels so good to be overpowered and have your cunt forced open. being able to act out the reluctance and to cry and and sob as loud as you want and not have the pounding stop, because you haven't safeworded, but its that panic regardless of oh hes not listening oh i can't stop this oh its gonna happen anyway. coming around them so hard it feels transcendent.

the other one is based on my fear of not being good enough like I've been cheated on alot, and one instance specifically my boyfriend at the time said "im gonna fuck someone in front of you and make you watch" and it stuck with me like it truamatized me LMAO to the point where i physically couldn't bear remembering it without getting violently ill. but then i developed a kind of fascination with the kink of infidelity like I'll watch alot of porn about it and then feel wrong about it afterwards. not being good enough is very much a trigger for me, being excluded is a trigger for me but i think something bordering just on the line of that - like being cucked consensually would heal me. like i think about it with art and tashi or patrick and tashi where they make me watch them together to the point where its bordering on the point of being just too much - where im about to say my safeword because i cant take being ignored anymore - and then they bring me in, and all the attention is on me and im showered with love. its like, having my worst fear played out in front of me (being cheated on, being left out, being ignored) and then being shown that fear isn't a reality - that im important and special and loved and they make me cum and i feel liberated from this vile thought that they'd leave me for eachother, because I make them complete. LMAO its fucked up i know but thats what truama does baby.

the other one..... I've struggled with alot and is kinda controversial but its in the sense of it not being real and being consensual but ddlg.... (and i used to hate this kink for the shame it brought me and the trauma i had w it) like i dont want to just call someone 'daddy' i want to ACT OUT the fantasy of them being my father or my parental figure and I'm their little girl and they just cant help themselves they have to touch my pussy. they have to show me they love me by sliding inside me because this is how daddy loves me. and if i love him back i wont fight him or tell him its wrong I'll accept it with open legs because i want to be taken care of

i have more but baby steps.... not all trauma needs to be processed rn

[speckle-the-crow]

Every time I read a book by Fredrik Backman, I'm left speechless. !!!LONG RANT BELOW!!! + my reviews of the books I've read by him

It all started one year when the book "A Man Called Ove" was chosen to be read in my bookclub. The teacher was talking about how he has a different style of writing and I'm like oh alright bet let's try it out.

GOD. That book was a solid 10/10. It touched dark topics like death and suicide while also having a good humor. The chapter with the cat being almost frozen to death had me giggling a little too much 😂 I loved seeing it on screen when the movie came out.

So many good quotes were in this book. Especially between Sonja and Ove. “You only need one ray of light to chase all the shadows away,”  “But if anyone had asked, he would have told them that he never lived before he met her. And not after either.”  “Of all the imaginable things he most misses about her, the thing he really wishes he could do again is hold her hand in his.” 

This book was just so amazing. I have nothing bad to say against it and strongly recommend it to be the first book one should read by Fredrik. It shows the dark themes he touches while having humor, how good the flashbacks are shown. How they leave you with more questions until you're gut-punched.

Alright. Second book I've read was Beartown. I got it as a birthday gift along with Anxious People (I'll talk abt that later). I knew Beartown revolved around the topic of rape. But god, it was still a hard read. Watching a small town get torn apart over the drama, how nobody really believed Maya and she was even bullied for lying. It broke my heart, leaving me in tears.

The worst part? How real this felt. How it's probably happened to countless girls and guys before. Being raped but not believed, then being bullied and harassed.

The quotes hit hard in this too. "It's not always obvious, because the people around a bullied child assume that he or she must get used to it after awhile. Never. You never get used to it. It burns like fire the whole time. It's just that no one knows how long the fuse is, not even you." “Everyone has a thousand wishes before a tragedy, but just one afterward.”  “What you create, others can destroy. Create anyway. Because in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and anyone else anyway.” 

I don't have too much to say on this book as it was an extremely hard read and took me about a month to finish. But it was still a great story. I don't know if I'll finish the other two books anytime soon. I think what makes it hard is that there's no "happy ending." The rape can't be undone. The damage can't be undone. Maya will forever be scared of the dark. How Kevin has status, keeping him safe. Yes, he is scared of the dark now, but it's not enough. Nothing will fix what happened.

And what I just finished reading today, Anxious People "It's a story about a bank robbery gone wrong? How can that make me cry?" -Me to my teacher.

God. What a book. This book made me laugh and almost brought me to tears. If I wasn't in school while reading this, I would be ugly crying.

This book perfectly embodies Fredrik's writing style. How EVERY little piece matters. Every character is important. You're reading and then hit with a plot twist. Knut being dead? Never expected. That one COMPLETELY threw me in for a loop. The way the chapter hopped back to the flashbacks and then to the interview, oh my god I loved this so much. Might be my favorite one yet.

Every character was so diverse with their own story and struggles, yet they all came together and helped each other when they needed it. I loved the fact that there wasn't a villain in this story- the bank robber wanted to harm nobody, just take care of her kids.

So many of these quotes hit home. The funny ones, the serious ones.

“Not knowing is a good place to start.” I always tell my therapist "I don't know." She said I'm the only person she allows to say that. The fact that a psychologist said that??? It just comforted me so much.

"...but inside she was standing in a forest screaming until her heart burst. The trees grew until one day the sunlight could no longer break through the foliage, and the darkness in there became impenetrable." This one also hit home for me. I'm a very angry person but try my best to control it. Multiple times a day, I imagine myself running into a forest, screaming and yelling my heart out, nobody hearing me. I felt so understood, so seen in this.

"Can you imagine what a bad parent you must have been for your children not to want to be parents?" Woah. I had to close the book and think about this. I don't have the best relationship with my parents, but they are okay parents. They might not rob a bank for me though 😂. But this quote just... I don't know. It really puts a different view on things. It almost makes me feel a bit bad. All in all, this is a quote that lives in the back of my head rent free.

Ever since the first page of this book, I knew I was in for a ride. It felt so long ago, reading chapter 2, "don't think about cookies". This book is a solid 100/10, I will never get rid of it and will reread it many times to come.

Please. If you're looking for a good book to read, please just do ANYTHING by Fredrik Backman. His writing style is unique, fun, just so different and a breath of fresh air. His books will make you cry and laugh and you'll find quotes that you carry on with you for years to come. As I write, I find myself often writing in his sort of style. He is truly an amazing writer and comes up with amazing plots. Before reading his works, only one book ever made me cry. (A Mango Shaped Space). But no movie has ever made me cry. I sobbed in the theaters watching A Man Called Otto. Can't wait to watch Anxious People on Netflix now! I've heard bad stuff, but I'll still watch it.

I hope I managed to convince someone to read a book by Fredrik Backman. Or possibly even re-read a book. I know I want to keep reading books by him. Maybe My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She's Sorry?

[shxxtingstarss]

stuff abt me

I contacted the psychiatric hospital where I had multiple stays and asked for a copy of my patient record, they sent it to me just two days after I requested it and it's a whole fucking folder, it's about 200 pages long (stopped counting at 50 and estimated the rest). Of course I had to read through it the day I got it and damn, that was a lot. Funniest part was how early all of the recommendations were to get me away from my abusive mother, which I wanted to, but it's funny how hard I tried to keep contact bc she manipulated me into thinking I'm the problem, I failed and it was all my fault (and I was scared as shit of her). Well, now im NC since last christmas and in general, it feels a lot better. She tried to contact me more than once and still wants an explanation on why I (currently) don't want any contact to her... well, kinda sorry but I really don't have the time to explain atm and you really, should know that best yourself...

My mother traumatised me and my brother for years, she was incapable of controlling any strong emotions like rage, sadness, etc or any impulses. She never accepted any help or treatment (properly). She had/has an ED, she intentionally made us be afraid of her in general, but especially afraid of her punching us, verbally abusing us or afraid of her mutilating or killing herself if we weren't "good kids" (her picture of good kids seemed to be kids that don't talk, eat, cry, or maybe even breathe). My favourite example of this is from a few years ago, she went to look for mushrooms in the forest and began to clean and cut them in the evening at home, when my brother had some kind of disagreement with her about... about nothing (probably school, cleaning his room, sth like that). She got angry and mad very fast (as per usual) and screamed at him that if he doesn't stop upsetting her like that, she will show him how upset she actually is. Few seconds later it got suspiciously quiet (I heard everything through my bedroom door). My brother started crying and ran to his room half crying half screaming as if he was in great pain. That was not the usual way it ended, usually it ended with more screaming and crying and my mother throwing things around (or occasionally beating one of us). I got out of my bedroom and wanted to know what happened, went to my brothers room, my mother was in the bathroom. I saw blood on the floor of the hall. My brother was under his blanket and had our grandma on the telephone and obviously tried to tell her what happened, he seemed extremely scared. I wanted to ask him what's wrong but my mother entered the room furiously and snatched the phone out of his hand. She started to tell grandma that he just imagined stories and nothing he told was true. She left the room talking to grandma on the phone, so I tried to care for my crying brother. He told me, gasping for air bc he cried so hard, that our mother just took the kitchen knife which she cut the mushrooms with and rammed it into her stomach. I forgot what happened afterwards, I probably dissociated bc it was too much, I can only remember hearing my mother leave, then I found the knife on the kitchen floor, full of blood, and cleaned the floor from all the blood droplets. My mother went to the hospital that night and had to stay there for three days. She told the doctors that she tripped and fell on the knife in the woods, I visited her on the second day and she told me to absolutely not tell the truth and stared at me with her devilish eyes that she gets when she's angry. The doctors said she barely missed her liver. I was really tempted to tell them the truth, I hoped she would've been brought to a mental facility and we could finally find peace, but I couldn't do it, I was too scared of her. And so the horror kept going on (especially for my brother). This happened when I was 14 and my brother was 11 years old. I sometimes think I could've changed everything for the better if I would've told the doctors - I got to get out of there around half a year later, but my brother stayed with her for another 5 years and I'm terribly sorry for him. My mother never changed for the better, he got beaten even more often, she started to get even more personal and aggressive and talked him down more and more in fights, I once heard a voice message from her to him and it was horrible. Can't explain how angry I am about her treating my little brother this way.

My brother often said he never really felt loved by her and I used to defense her in all ways possible bc that's how she raised me basically, I had to lie for her, I had to do everything for her. But now that I can actually think about it, I actually never felt loved by her either. I don't know if she loves/loved us and never managed to show it or if she didn't love us at all.

Back to my patient record, the weird part was, I felt something like a strange sympathy, I felt sorry for my younger me, I asked myself why all of this had to happen, especially to an innocent child. But I didn't ask this in the way I normally did, I really felt sorry like for another person instead of feeling sorry for me or being in despair about it. Don't know if that's good or bad, it just is like that.

I know I'm not a different person than then, but at least some things changed and sometimes I really wonder how I managed to do all of this while being strongly suicidal, not very self-caring (more like the opposite if I think about all the selfharm) and not having any support by "family". Luckily I got a lot of support from social workers, my therapist, and sometimes even friends (wasn't easy for me to be close to people/more than one favourite person, actually it still isn't).

Well, it's not done yet and I still feel like pure shit some days/weeks, and I still (or maybe again) have to get better. The stress of being a chem student is not very mental-health-supportive, even for the healthiest peeps. At least I know now that it's actually not my fault, I'm not a piece of shit as my mother loved to tell me as often as she could, I did not destroy my "family", I was not the problem. It was not my fault. I actually tried my best, it just wasn't enough sometimes.

So, let's hope I keep this up and maybe I'll write another post some time soon. Maybe I can even help some desperate soul out there that is being manipulated into thinking that everything bad happened bc of them. No. And yes, I fucked up sometimes, I'm far away from perfect too, that's perfectly normal. But I'm not the "mentally ill person that destroyed her new marriage", maybe she should've had a look in the mirror instead of looking at me.

[anarcho-decepticonism]

we fixed hsm

here are our 3 page fanfic plans

Troy & gabriella break up after like a month in college. Gabriella is around people smarter than her for the first time in her life & she’s really struggling & he doesn’t understand what she’s going thru & she realizes that he’s not that empathetic & bad at communicating. She’s single for like a year just adjusting to college & making new friends & figuring out who she is after hs & also not putting her entire identity in her intelligence. She tries out for theater & they’re like “you’re not that good at singing” & she’s like “never mind” bc she liked it because it was with her friends in the first place. She finds community elsewhere & eventually is in a more fulfilling & communicative & mature relationship

Troy is having a lot of trouble bc being a student athlete isn’t enough at FUCKING BERKELEY!!! And he’s having trouble at school. He also isn’t getting lead roles in the theater program bc it’s like. A hobby as opposed to his major/career path. He has to learn to like things without being the best at them & also communicate w people better. He’s no longer super special and the focal point of everything. He immediately tries to rebound by getting a new gf & she realizes right away that he just wants her to love him and pay attention to him and solve his problems and is like “fuck that dude go to therapy”. He goes to the school therapist which sucks but he finds a good therapist & like. Improves as a person lol. He has to think more abt the experiences of others and not need to have everyone love him all the time. He gets a dog -- good for him bc he has to be responsible for the life of something else but also dogs are very affectionate

Sharpay goes to UA & at first loves it bc she’s the star but then is super underwhelmed & depressed. She talks to Ryan and he’s like “you know you can just transfer” and she’s like “wow i’m so smart i’ll just transfer”. After like a semester she transfers to a different school with a good theater program (not Juliard tho). She has a good mentor figure who’s a prof who’s like “your ambition and drive are good things actually especially bc ur a woman and will be told that ur awful & bossy for standing up for yourself.” she makes her first real friend other than her brother (i am So sad) in a theater class-- not someone who worships her but like an actual human connection. Specifically a girl who she respects & doesn’t feel she has to compete with. She has a learning moment when her friend gets the lead role and Sharpay is genuinely proud of her and she realizes she wouldn’t have been suited to that part and that she doesn’t have to be the center of attention all the time. She learns to derive self worth from her love of theater instead of from everyone validating her. Also her friend is goth & tells her that all the pink she wears is bad. They both initially loved the theater bc they wanted to be accepted but learn together that they can just find worth in each other and themselves and their work. Also at one point Sharpay starts dating someone and gets really annoying and her friend is like “you’re being annoying” and they get in a fight and Sharpay is like “i don’t even like him that much but i feel like i have to be in a huge romance relationship (bc of troy and gabriella but also Society)” and this eventually leads to her realizing that she’s a lesbian and also that she has an unhealthy view of relatioships. She goes to therapy (it takes her a really long time to go but once she realizes she gets to talk abt herself she is more willing). Important that she does not date her friend (her emotional support system) but she does eventually get a gf. It takes her a long time to figure out how to be a good girlfriend and that her professional ambitions are different than her personal ambitions (she’s used to treating her relationships like a business instead of a two-sided thing where there needs to be emotional connection and both people being like vulnerable w each other)

Her and Ryan having space from each other where he can shine by himself and she feels like she doesn’t have to upstage him all the time. He feels for a long time that he can’t rely on her bc she’s a mess but eventually he texts her like 16 times in a row abt a person in his program he’s really annoyed at and she’s like “oh my god he’s ruining your show you Have to talk to the director!!!!” and it’s really helpful to just talk it out w her even if he doesn’t take her advice. It’s helpful for him to realize that it is a problem and he’s not overreacting but also that he should not take things to the extremes that Sharpay does lol. He should not poison this person. They eventually fall into a good & more balanced sibling relationship where they can rely on each other for a certain subset of things but they aren’t the only people in each others’ lives

Ryan meets other gay guys at Juliard who tell him that his hats are bad and show him how to dress not like an idiot. They’re like “it’s ok buddy. I know you were the only out guy at your high school but you don’t need to do that”. He’ll like. Do fine in college! He’s like fairly confident in his abilities and identity & good at like. Balancing career & personal life. He’s fine enough at school and doing well in his theater things. He’s charismatic and makes more good friends. He “formally comes out” to his parents in like a big thing. He choreographs it and makes Kelsey write him a song to sing. His parents are like “well we knew that but did you have to make it this much of a thing” and he’s like “yes”. His mom is generally more accepting than his dad and his dad is like “please don’t talk about this to the people at the country club” and he’s like “i… wasn’t? I don’t know these people. They’re your friends”

After college Ryan gets famous before Sharpay does and generally has a good thing going wrt doing choreography for “really important things” (he isn’t public facing)-- he’s good at choreo and also good at working with divas (thanks Sharpay i love u). He gets Sharpay a good role in a thing but he makes a big deal like “I got you an audition i didn’t get u the part u did it all yourself :)” but he totally got her the part lol in that he recommended her. She does a rlly good job tho (obvs) and does well in the spotlight bc she;s actually like. Hardworking and driven and good at musical theater. Her Big Break is in like a movie adaptation of a musical. She’s Glinda when they finally make a Wicked movie. The choreography is really good bc Ryan does it

Taylor tries to become a politician but slowly realizes that her passion for being an activist doesn’t super align with that and figures out that she wants to enact social change without like. Being a part of the system. She has a youtube channel where she talks about social issues and wears her stupid sweater vests & ties. Also she dates someone who likes women. Before she was invested in the public-facing aspect of the relationship and she learns what it means to actually have private moments of caring & how to not follow a stereotypical relationship and instead to do like. What she actually wants to. She’s bi and she dates a woman and enjoys not having societal expectations wrt how relationships are supposed to go. She dates a guy and realizes that a m/f relationship also doesn’t have to conform to societal expectations. Both are super important experiences for her even if neither are “endgame” (i love u matty)

Chad is heartbroken after Troy goes to a different school but tries to hide it/is in denial. He kind of lashes out at people who want to make friends with him and goes into a depression spiral. He eventually snaps out of it when Sharpay (who is still going to UA at this point) is like “what’s your problem?? Anyway i started going to therapy and it helped actually. Toodles!” and he’s like “what the fuck just happened” but he makes an appointment. The first session he’s like “hwatever this is stupid idk why i’m here. Whatever” and the therapist is like “yeah. Okay.” but he eventually opens up and then like. Learns to see himself as not part of a friendship or group/team and see himself as an individual. He gets over Troy, which takes him a while but he does it & we’re proud of him <3 it also takes a while to make friends who he can be emotionally vulnerable around bc he’s never really had that type of relationship before (bc he and troy are very guys being dudes & he like. Wasn’t super close w Taylor as they were p much just a relationship for show). He makes friends w both some guys and girls who aren’t all on the basketball team and has friends from lots of different places. This process takes him like. All of college.

Chad doesn’t date anyone in college and afterwards it’s super awkward bc it’s like the first time he’s actually dating someone. He ran into Ryan and they have a talk where Ryan’s like “you could’ve been my first love but you were never really emotionally available bc u were in love w a straight guy and also not confident in the fact that u are gay. Like that summer was fun but it wasn’t real” and chad is like “oh”. Ryan was like in a serious relationship at that point but didn’t mention it bc he didn’t want to feel like he was rubbing it in lol. And then Chad thinks about things. This is like during a Thanksgiving break while still in college. Chad eventually dates a guy who understands how it’s like. Hard to be gay and figuring out relationships and stuff at different life stages.

Kelsey gets negative feedback for the first time and freaks out but eventually learns that a prof who only gives positive feedback when she deserves it is good actually. She incorporates criticism and starts to write songs that don’t suck. She continues to wear awful outfits. She has a nice girlfriend who also wears awful outfits. They are an awful annoying couple but they’re happy. They do annoying theater kid things

Ms Darbus realizes that it’s bad to force her students to completely write & choreograph their own shows and stops pouring her entire life into high school theater and fixes her problems with her “legal domestic partner” whom she was feuding with

Zeke realizes that he likes Sharpay in the same way he likes celebrities and that isn’t a crush. He makes plenty of friends in college bc everyone loves a guy who brings baked goods to places. He continues doing basketball & baking as hobbies but neither is a career & he finds passion elsewhere. He loves doing whatever he’s currently doing but doesn’t have like a Thing he wants to do forever and it takes him a while to find a forever career. He ends up teaching a variety of classes at community college and is happy doing that but also he might not do that forever. He comes to terms with his “contentment w the transience of life” and is like “if i’m happy doing what i’m doing now then that’s good enough for now”. He serves as a good contrast to all of the super driven people who know exactly where they want to be (gabriella, sharpay, ryan)

We did it. we fixed high school musical

[chooserecovery]

Response to the submission starting with “ Hi! I kind of need help.”

Hi! I kind of need help. I get really angry lately (sometimes over very small things, or over nothing at all) and when I’m in that state I can’t contain all this anger, I’m shaking and I just can’t handle it! For example I often get annoyed with my mum even though she didn’t do anything that could usually annoy me (today it was not closing the bathroom window). It feels like puberty all over again. I know it is totally irrational but I can’t help it. And I always take this anger out on myself, I cut, hit or scratch myself to let it all out. And I know its not healthy and I read your post abt preventing self harm but when I’m in that state I just can’t control it. It’s like I’m burning on the inside and the only way to stop this fire in my chest is to harm myself! And it’s EXHAUSTING. Afterwards I am so drained that I usually hide in my bed and cry. Honestly, like a toddler. I probably have depression too, so idk if that only happens because I’m messed up? I feel like a monster and I’m scared that I’ll hurt myself or the people around me. I read about borderline and other kinds of disorders, but nothing really seems to fit to what I’m experiencing so idk what’s wrong with me. I know I should see a therapist but I can’t bring myself to call there. And my mum tells me i should do it myself bc she doesn’t know when I have time and I’m old enough to do it myself (I’m 17), even though I’ve explained her multiple times that I won’t be able to call there.I would appreciate your advise. Sorry for writing so much. (Also can you answer without mentioning my tumblr so that it’s anonymous?) Thank you

Friend, you don’t need to apologize for writing a lot; have you SEEN my answers? You’re fine. More words usually means I have more info to work with, anyway, which means I can try to make my answer more applicable to your situation. I promise you, cannot bother me by typing a lot.

Now, on to the actual content.

TBH if someone told me that you were my past self time-travelling to write this, I wouldn’t doubt them. You are very much not alone in this. So, for what it’s worth, this type of feeling can absolutely pass; I’m generally a calm guy these days, and I never did end up hurting anyone like I was terrified that I would. I can’t say that you’re in exactly the same place that I was, people obviously have feelings for different reasons and different things help them, but I’ve definitely been somewhere similar and didn’t end up the way I was scared that I would, so I feel pretty comfortable in saying that things don’t have to go the way that you’re worried that they will.

The fact that you’re depressed probably is playing into it. Mental illness pretty much by definition means that you’re going to be under a lot of stress emotionally, and in some people that stress will manifest as anger. It doesn’t have to be over anything that makes sense; brains can just see the most minor inconvenience as yet another thing that’s causing them stress, and so it makes it seem like a much bigger issue than it otherwise would be. Think straw that broke the camel’s back; the window is the straw, and the depression is the 200 pound bag that the straw was placed on top of. This may not be the case, I am in no way qualified to diagnose you, but I have seen things show up this way before, so I am just saying that it is possible for it to happen.

For trying to get a therapist, I’d check if there’s any way that you can email them. I don’t know exactly how the system works where you are, but its entirely possible that there are alternate forms of contact, and it may be easier to type something out than to call in. Failing that, I’ve had a friend impersonate me on the phone for calls that I didn’t feel like I could make, so if you have a friend who may be willing to do that for you, it couldn’t hurt to ask. And, failing that, as a Fully Certified Adult who has to do things like make Dr’s appointments and call customer service, I promise you that once you’re actually on the line, it’s not as scary as you expect it to be. Whoever you deal with is most likely going to be friendly and try to help you get what you need, and also odds are good that they hate being on the phone just as much as you do (you don’t know how many phone rep people I’ve heard say that they hate being on the phone when they’re off the clock) so they’re not likely to judge you for being uncomfortable.

As for the anger itself, is it sudden and out of nowhere, or is there usually some sort of stress leading up to it that you try to suppress and it just ends up boiling over? 

If there’s buildup, then you can try doing things to relieve stress beforehand. It’s pretty common to try to shove things down automatically, but it doesn’t let you actually deal with things. Take some time to vent to someone or write in a journal or do some sort of physical activity, or take a bath, or whatever it is that works for you; again, every has different things that they respond to, so try to find out what you need and do that. Personally, I strongly recommend physical activities for this; they can generate endorphins which can help emotionally and also you manage to work some of the energy out. I found running and boxing to be particularly helpful when I felt like I was going to explode on someone. Whatever works for you, the earlier you can try to address those feelings, the easier it usually is to get them out because they haven’t had as much time to dwell; practice doing what you can to take care of yourself on a regular basis.

Whether there’s buildup or it seems completely out of nowhere, once you get into that state, then your best option it probably going to be trying your best to redirect that energy. Again, physical activity seems like it would probably suit you well here. Aside from that, if you can find the patience for them, breathing exercises can help get your fight-or-flight response to calm down and give you a little bit of distance from your feelings. A common technique recommended for anger management is to try to count down from ten every time you notice yourself getting angry, but this really is hard to implement when it’s truly explosive and you don’t get much warning of when it’s going to happen.

One more thing that I’d recommend is trying mindfulness techniques. Not just when you feel like you’re getting angry, but in general. It helps you develop a habit of paying more attention to what you’re feeling which can help you catch tings earlier and possibly give you more time to address them before they overwhelm you.

The whole feeling exhausted and crying thing is absolutely a normal reaction following extreme anger. To do a quick little biology tidbit, when you get angry, your body is getting flooded with a lot of hormones that are trying to prep you to either fight for your life or run away, because as far as your body is concerned, there’s not much of a difference between “I got in an argument with a family member” and “this tiger just tried to eat me.” Either way, stress hormones get your metabolism running full force, and your body needs time to recover after that. So, go ahead and rest and cry if you need to, and maybe consider getting a snack or some juice or something to help you to help you replenish those fuel stores that you burnt up while you were angry; sometimes a little bit of sugar can help make the emotional crash a little bit less terrible.

But if you can only take one thing away from this answer, I want it to be this: you are not a monster. You are in pain, and you are lashing out, and you deserve help in dealing with what you’re going through. But you are not a monster, your feelings do not have to be permanent, you can learn techniques to manage your anger and you can have aggressive or violent thoughts without having to act on them--thoughts cannot hurt anyone, and you are not a bad person for having them. 

--Luke