#my therapist heard about that one
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Little is Alyx 👎🏻
Little is Penny 👎🏻
Little is a reflection of Ruby in Vol.1 and is a physical representation of “healing your inner child” 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
#like seriously Little reminds me more of Ruby than Ruby herself right now#I relate to Ruby so much in just needing to be ok for everyone all the time for things to be stable#when WBY is talking about how they bring her up by saying ‘we count on you’ and ‘you can do it’ and that’s basically what I heard growin up#my therapist once told me that you have to be the friend and caretaker for that little girl who always had to be ok#that she is still inside of my heart and that I’m the only one who can be there for her now#and something about… making sure my inner child feels safe reminds me so much of Ruby’s relationship with Little#also Little’s mannerisms are just … so v.1 Ruby it’s just uncanny#’I want to help even though I may not know how’#that’s blind Ruby optimism if I’ve ever seen it#rwby#rwby spoilers#rwby9#rwby volume 9#rwby ruby rose#rwby v9#rwby volume 9 spoilers#rwby theory#ruby rose
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Not me brainstorming ideas for my post op tattoo (context) like I'd contact the tattoo artist tomorrow and not in a 1,5 year or more
This was where my inspiration took me today I guess :'D
#bold of me going for colour in most of these since none of my other things have colour x'D#after all this is only what ideas I have rn :'D#as mentioned I don't think I'll be able to get a chest tattoo for at least one year and a half#in half a year I've been promised to start appointments with a therapist again about the surgery#then if I'm lucky I'll get approved#and then there's a waitlist on at least a year last I heard#and then I need to heal a bit first#so when we arrive at that point in time who knows if I've better ideas#or if I've changed my mind#I hope to have käärijä in my life for years to come still#or at least feel the same sort of gratitude for him showing me how to love my body and/or feel neutral about it when dysphoria hits#look at me being chatty in the tags yet again#also - these are of course only concepts#I will probably have send the reference picture as well to the tattoo artist if I actually went to find one to do these tomorrow x'D#I hope you like them :3#I really enjoy number 2 (top left) and 3 (mid)#jere pöyhönen#käärijä#cha cha cha#mine#my own art
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i told my therapist im having consistent homicidal ideation about that guy who fucked up my asd eval and she literally was like ‘i don’t blame u’
#u heard it here guys my therapist said i can commit ONE murder#obviously that’s a joke lol#she was just validating my feelings obvs#void journal#i dream about doing terrifier kills on him :)
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listen if we brat summer our way out of fascism I'll fuckin take it
#ravi rants#historically speaking the best way to shut down asshats that violate the social contract of tolerance is to mock them#idk man maybe I have a different perspective on all of this because I'm part of the desi diaspora#but like.... so Indians won't always obviously call out violations of social decorum#if you're making an idiot of yourself or you're making a scene. other people will stand by and let you do it.#my therapist and I talk about me coming from a high-context Asianic cultural background like I do a lot actually#because the thing about Indian decorum is that. like.#one. you protect yours. if your friend is actively intervening in on something there's a reason and it might be helpful#but two. if someone's breaking decorum.... we allow them to do so in order to figure out why.#if someone's ex is crashing a wedding and successfully gets the floor they'll get heard out#and everyone will be paying attention#because the thing is those kinds of overt violations of decorum usually happen for a reason....#Indian soap operas are A Lot™ but listen. a party might be the right time to call someone out on being abusive or manipulative#because the whistleblower can be escorted away to safety by them and theirs.#and usually you have to be able to know enough decorum to get to the point where you make a scene#and Indians respect the hustle. we'll hear you out.#the Hindu gods are notorious for being like 'alright smart guy. here's your wish.'#the gods will readily admit if they've been outwitted#but you're an idiot if you think you'll get away with fucking with the natural chaos of samsara and karma forever :)#however. there's also Hindu parables of asuras and dumbass humans realizing they fucked up and taking the L with grace#and the gods respect that#but lol. fascists aren't respectful.#Richard Spencer shut the fuck up after we all saw him get punched#conservatives are having a mental breakdown over being called weird while insisting that a cis woman is a man#and I'd like to remind everyone that the social role of a court jester is to keep everyone humble#bc dude. if you're getting butthurt over the clown ribbing you. maybe calm the fuck down? look in the mirror?#you may be a king but the larger the seat you hold#the better your toilet plumbing should be
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So I know this isn't anything that like actually needs an apology but it'll make me feel a bit better to say it. Oof whoops this ABoT chapter is super late. Timing kinda sucks since I wanted to have some updates out while s3 was airing but
Been kinda mega busy and stressed since October with the whole condo buying thing which rolled right into immediate day 0 plumbing and boiler issues I had to get fixed and general moving hassle and financial commitment stress and I kinda just fried myself hard. Plus then acclimating to a new place without my familiar street or familiar grocery store or familiar room or any of that. Like there's no "just go home and take your mind off it" to this cuz home is the "it". So I'm just kinda enduring until I can calm the hell down.
And anyway I definitely have progress on ch47, like 7000-ish words of it, but it's the kind of like "there is writing there" and hasn't exactly hit the "there is substance there" that I want ABoT chapters to be. Like this in particular is a chapter I want to be good, not just be done. So it's taking time to get my brain somewhere that can do that.
#anyway#i mean just in case anyone was like wondering if its discontinued to anything#its still going i just can't make it Good quite yet#(plus i need to get furniture cuz as it stands the place is really quite empty and bare except for like my room and the kitchen)#(also the bank had my address wrong so they havent been able to send me any of the mortgage information which was technically due already)#(ive been in contact with them but it's a whole thing)#(plus im still not quite finished with all the utility switching. i still need to get water in my name)#(and the boiler issue fucked up my gas bill so now ive got a crazy high gas bill i just need to... pay)#(i have actually started seeing a therapist but thats a whole other Thing now figuring out insurance and deductables and using my HSA#account and just... it's a lot)#(oh also my homeowner's insurance policy number doesn't actually work for getting me into the online portal. and the geico guy said he was#looking into it but I havent heard anything in a while)#(its a lot im just gonna melt for a while i guess)#(plus all the upfront stress has made it really hard to associate the new place as 'home' instead of 'place of great many plumbing evils')#(i sat on like 4 million couches this week and the only one i really really like probably doesn't quite fit in my living room)#(the downstairs neighbors tv is too loud and i need to talk to her about it in a way which isn't 'hey im holding on by a thread and this#one small inconvenience is the thing which is making me turn into ash')#(oh thats right i have to go pay my january HOA dues...)#(oh also I need to file for the owner-occupied tax exemption thing now that its 2023)#anyway......... ill be normal eventually. im just not normal right now.#chrissy speaks
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i wonder if my ex best friend remembers my birthday every year the way i remember hers
#haven't really thought about her in a while#hope she's well#i don't think she remembers it#i often feel like i'm leaving flowers at the graves of people from my past#lately i've been haunted by thoughts and dreams about people i used to love#and i will always love all of them#no matter how badly i got hurt in the process#a piece of me fractures off when i love someone and i wish they'd keep that piece tucked away somewhere in the closet and dust it off somet#imes. i stil have every letter#every gift every photo every silly thing i've saved over the years#and i know that no one does the same for me#i wonder what my ex did with the drawings i made them after they dumped me for their ex. were they thrown out and forgotten#or maybe did they keep them in a drawer somewhere to find a few years down the line and remember my face. my voice. my laugh#i still have the letter i started writing for them about a week before they left where i was saying i regretted not telling them i loved th#and sometimes i wonder had they seen the finished product if things would be different#my reluctance to admit my love out of fear of being forgotten results in abandonment more often than not#my girlfriend now swears the pattern isn't going to repeat but i've heard that song before and lately i haven't felt safe#and loved the way i once did. she tells me to talk to my therapist. but i don't think it's in my head. i told her if she's thinking of#leaving to just do it now and spare me the pain of love burning out slowly#and maybe she'll listen and that terrifies me#i am my own biggest burden
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oh wow it seems like i knocked it out of the park with this new therapist hot damn
#she was just... immediately easy to talk to#recognized and identified with my religious trauma#i was able to open up a little bit about an incident i couldn't even talk to my previous therapist about after months#but she just asked amid the rundown of opening questions and it was so easy to touch on it#she just had good vibes from the start#i know that can always change but i've never clicked so well in the first meeting with any therapist brfore#so far i've been really lucky with just getting the good doctors on the first try - my psych and my gyn both clicked immediately#(my gyn in the first meeting asked exactly one (1) question about my note to discuss sterilization which was ''are you sure?''#and when i said ''yes'' she immediately went into explaining the procedure. i've heard so many horror stories i was braced for the worst)
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guys when they find a disorder that literally describes their enture life experience
#squeaking#last time i tpld a therapist about my#hyperspecific delusions nd magical beleifs#she was like wow ive LITERALLY never heard of that IN MY LIFE#youre SO crazy i cant even assign u one of the premade Crzay Disorders. psychotic disorder not otherwise specified for you!#but like. Erm. Schizotypal is right there#feeling presence of absent people ?check#magical beliefs/superstitions (such as that people can read my mind)? check#other magical thinking#such as that god is real & hates me and that im actually immortal? ccheck#also the flat affect#and the inappropriate emotional response (laughs + smiles when angry and its really fucking frustrating#-brcause it means people dont take me seriously)#i fucking hate eye contact so much#i hate pursuing close relationships#im literally so paranoid like i KNOW people dont care about me. i KNOW they would throw me under the bus at the slightest chance#but i stay silly#Lol!#szpd#schizospec
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Lucretia adventurezone is literally the most character ever. I love her. There is so much wrong with her. she's perfect.
#Women's wrongs indeed!!!#She was one of my favorite npcs before stolen century and after stolen century well you KNOW I love a character who Fucked Up So Bad#I need a million fics about the birds going to group therapy sessions and the fantasy therapist being like no no I heard the whole thing.#What the fuck dude.#Just kidding I don't read Taz fics! But if I did I would need that#She said I have bonds with these six people strong enough to change the universe. Let me fuck it up a little bit. For funsies.#135 year old in a 25 year olds brain in a 50 year olds body never did anything wrong in her whole life#Im being very normal about my Taz relisten. I'm about to start crystal kingdom#Its so wild imagining this show from lup or lucretias perspective on the relisten
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can someone put out A hit on me but instead of killing me they just come and hold me. a hired thug for a hired hug
#bo posting#vent#i am upset about things i cant articulate#or feel its worth even trying to#and thaf hurts more#to feel like its not even worth it bc i know it wont change anytbing#and i cant sleep bc of it#😄👍😁🥰😀🙂☺️#theres too many things that i fewl that way about#to a point i cant even talk to my therapist about it#bc whats the point?#and the more i think about one the more i think about all the others#that affect me current and ones that dont matter anymore#bc the ppl theyre about arent even in my life anymore#im tired if shouldering the blame for never being able to talk about shit#with anyone#when ive done so much to learn how to communicate differently and better?#but it just feels harder. and not worth it. bc the results havr always been the same#and i think i will always feel like its my fault i feel misunderstood#or dismissed. or not taken seriously. or seen as overreacting#i dont know if ill ever feel safe. seen. and heard#and i dont know if thats just because of me and my perception of my life and others#or actually bc of other people's behaviour#🤪#i cant even elaborate on what im specifically upset about because its not 1 thing#its just everything#and ik its bc its 6am and i was woken up and cant sleep bc im anxious and upset#but its keeping me from fixing this. by aleeping. bc i cant sleep
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so new highlight of my day: was talking to my therapist about hobbies and i mentioned tumblr (lol) and fandom and apparently she recently read a book that mentioned Bronies and asked me if I knew about them
#ramblings#i've never laughed as much in a therapy session as when my therapist asked me if i was a fan of my little pon#y#bc apparently she doesnt know much abt internet fandoms so she figured if i spend time in online fandom spaces#it might be worth a shot asking if it's that one#i haven't heard anyone talk about bronies since maybe 2014 or so but this was the highlight of my therapy session#(not so much the highlight were the 40 other minutes i spent crying abt family dynamics)#(but u know.. the brony comment made it all worthwhile)#(who needs to work on personal growth when they can explain 10+ year old internet phenomenons to their therapist instead)
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yo............... weirdo behavior. get well soon and by get well soon i do mean eat glass
#i was talking to my therapist abt the ways antisemetism functions#and one of them is the way we're always being graded on our jewish-ness#its very telling that ive got friends that were raised in the tradition that dont think they're Jewish Enough#ive got friends that don't think they're Enough because they were adopted and don't have the lineage#and ppl like me whose family made the choice not to practice but you can't opt out of the generational trauama#whether we talk about it too much or not enough it's very weird that we're always graded on a curve#and then told antisemetism isn't real by people that wanna play the antisemetism magic simulator#like i cant tell u the number of times i've been in rooms with people i THOUGHT i could be comfortable with--#only to have them say the most vile shit you've heard because they didn't know there was a jew present#/b#& no it doesn't affect me as directly because i don't practice but don't ask me to sit here and pretend it doesn't#like when you're cultivating a space that is hostile towards jews maybe it's not any wonder they aren't more vocal
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if i had a nickel for every medical professional who i convinced to watch comedy punks in the past week, i'd have two nickels. which is not a lot but it's weird that it happened twice
#first one was my therapist which i already mentioned#but the second one happened today bc i was getting my annual physical from my regular doctor#and i've been going to this doctor since i was like 14 and the entire time she's known me we've bonded over comedy stuff#so i asked her today if she knows kith (she does) and told her all about that journey#and apparently she hadn't heard about their amazon show or the documentary#so she literally wrote down ''comedy punks'' bc she didn't want to forget it and she sounded so excited
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today's brain study term of the day is "cognitive dissonance"
#my post#this is my entire brain in a nutshell. can't wait to crack this one open with a therapist (/deadpan).#knowing that i should talk to people more so i can actually lean and feel safe and shit#vs. feeling like i will have the point missed and have my tone nitpicked and not end up heard#vs. knowing my friends are a) human b) not malicious and c) would NOT FUCKING DO THAT properly#is NOT a fun logical tangle to get stuck in and is in fact driving me insane.#bad vibes#at what point does me talking about my shit become trauma dumping i can't tell anymore.
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I think I’m failing therapy
#personal fuity shit#I can’t answer my therapist’s questions#I feel like I’m only repeating myself every session#I can’t do the things she asks me to. and I don’t even know why. I just can’t#I don’t exercise. I don’t leave my room. I barely drink water. I have an eating disorder#I honestly don’t know what she could do for me. and I noticed she doesn’t either#maybe I truly am a lost cause#I’m stuck in place. can’t get better and sometimes seems to be getting worse#when I told her I don’t even want to live anymore she kinda got. pissed at me?#she made it sound like ‘being alive only because I don’t want to make my mom sad’ is the most insane and wildest thing she’s ever heard#and that I was crazy to even think about it#as if that wasn’t my only thought for like idk 8 years or so#ALSO she keeps putting my bisexual identity in question every opportunity she gets. like wtf#just because I’ve never hooked up with a girl doesn’t make me any less bi#‘are you truly bi or just curious?’ idk and idc ma’am you’re the one bringing this up and making it look like a problem#I’ve got lots of complaints but. it’s not easy to quit#I’d have to tell my mom an excuse as to why I want another therapist#and looking for a new therapist is just nightmare#I’m just tired. really wish I could think about killing myself more in depth without feeling guilty#thinking about how my mom’s life would be shattered and all the pain I’d cause her gives me goosebumps. it breaks my heart
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Wish fake claimers would realize the massive damage they do to the communities they claim theyre trying to raise awareness of, or whatever their excuse for exploiting disabled and mentally ill people is.
Like do you realize how fucking hard it is to even get a professional to listen to you about having DID, simply because they saw tiktoks "debunking" someone's mental illness and their immediate assumtion that you're making things up for... idk why tf i would make shit like this up this fucking sucks.
If you look into DID you should know that making someone who has it feel like they're faking is going to make their condition WORSE. It could put them at risk.
#im just so fucking pissed and tired#im tired of being like hey this is the situation and bc of A SYMPTOM i cant explain things blocked rn but i need help#and then immediately getting treated like i just heard about DID yesterday and want attention or something#i just want some mf help and understanding and losing hope all the time in really pushing that sand down my hour glass of becoming suicidal#i mean im gonna be real. im not fucking around this is a damn nightmare#vent#dissociative identity disorder#ive been aware for so fucking long and trying to manage on my own. ive been trying for like 5 years#and it feels like no one will believe us and dismiss us before they take the time to even get to know us and our story#we had a good therapist once but. tbh it seems like theres even less hope for us#and noticing patterns in ykno... fake claim stuff going out of reddit forms and onto tiktok with faces and voices attached#in the time frame of getting rejected from help faster#it sucks. it fucking sucks
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