#my teacher in hs corrected me saying “i like stuffies” to “i like doing stuff”

[bolszaja-miedwedica]

sometimes i can get so mad at something that i get manic like when i did the test four times because i was not happy with being c1 and at first i was like "i'm a failure how can i be so bad at something i'm hyperfixated on" and then i was like "i did it all by myself no one helped me everyone needs to study to get to this level and i never studied i did this all by myself im better than them" or when my friend was telling me about something that we were both in at that time and he was better at it and i was super triggered because i couldn't even last a month while he was doing it for months already and at first i also was like "god i'm such a failure why can't i do this easy thing" and then it changed into "i'm better than him because i'm not doing that bad thing so much he's hurting his body and i"m not i'm so much better" and i think it's because my brain recognizes that me thinking negatively about myself is a danger zone and it can hurt us not only emotionally but also physically™ and it doesn't want me to spirall again so it changed the route of my rage (about myself) to something else so i basically won't hurt myself?? or something.

🛑🚨❗TW mention of SA ( (i'm telling a dark joke here)

the autistic urge to be aware of myself to the point that no psychologist can help me but not that aware that i know when someone manipulates me or se*ually harasses me till years later i hear someone describing what happened to me with the exact word otherwise i do not know what was wrong with me for not liking it