#my survival instinct has been really sanded down to a minimum
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And I should be on the lookout. It is not working out.
#well i tried bc that place has incredibly solid advantages#but it seems it's another thing where i don't use what talents i have and instead i do in a very mediocre way#apparently from the outside it looks like i am tired to the point of loosing the will to life#and as much as i have that sense in me rather skewed and comparing to my lowest i feel i am maybe not flying but surely not crawling#in the mud and certainly not scratching from beneath#my closest people are concerned#and my wife told me frankly 'you don't have to feel like shit when you are working'#it is something i don't really even remember as a possibility#trauma really fucks up some responses and boudaries eh?#my survival instinct has been really sanded down to a minimum#that is not helpful at all#now when i don't want to die as an everyday obvious thing#i struggle to remember that i can walk away from environments and situations that make me feel like i'm simultaneously drowning and being#burned on a stake#moreover that there are some things that maybe will let me live as in pay rent and both will be requiring from me what i can do well#i was really good at my former jobs and it was validated both by what people had told me and formal documents with results#it feels really sad when i just cannot promise oh i will do better when i know i am at my max already and it is not enough
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