#my summer depression has only gotten worse as the summers get hotter and hotter

[justmaghookit]

We talk a lot on tumblr about seasonal depression in winter but also we should talk about the seasonal depression experienced in summer by people living in areas where the heat becomes unbearable.

[there-must-be-a-lock]

Set  Yourself On Fire

Word Count: ~1550

Warnings: Depression and suicidal thoughts. No, seriously, this is not a happy fic. It centers on Sam and his mental state between seasons three and four, so. Yeah. Demon blood, sad Sam, self-loathing, etc. Some mentions of Sam x Ruby, but the pairing is not the point. 

A/N: For @idreamofplaid​‘s “Thanks For The Memories” Challenge.  My episode was “I Know What You Did Last Summer.” 

I snagged bits from a drabble I wrote called “Might As Well,” which was about this same time in Sam’s life, and worked them into this. 

Thanks to @fangirlxwritesx67​ and @fookinghelljensensthighs​ for read-throughs, and to @stunudo​, @thoughtslikeaminefield​, and @lastactiontricia​, who helped me work through the fine points of the psychology that was going on here. 

Title from the Stars song Your Ex-Lover Is Dead: “When there’s nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.”  

The whiskey stings when Sam splashes it over the cut on his arm. It’s a good kind of pain, blindingly sharp and clean, and for a moment it takes his mind off the slimy ache in his chest and the filthy squirming guilt in his gut. 

Dean’s looking at him again, searching and suspicious.

“Why do you trust her so much?” he asks, and Sam doesn’t want to meet his eyes. 

“I told you.” 

“You got to do better than that. Hey, I’m not trying to pick a fight here. I mean, I really want to understand. But I need to know more. I mean, I deserve to know more.” 

He does. Dean deserves that and so much better. 

Sam tilts the bottle again, watching the booze wash away the blood as it burns him clean, and he takes a sip, as if that’ll do the same thing to the ugly wound in his chest. There isn’t enough whiskey in the world to sanitize his insides. 

He knows he can’t tell the whole truth, but Dean deserves to know more. The question is, where does he start? 

He could start with the moment the dirt closed over the grave. Sam, Bobby had said, so quietly. Sam, don’t. And it was funny, how much Sam had always wanted that; he always wanted a father figure who would ask him to stay. I can’t, he told Bobby, and he lurched away, staggered to the car, started driving.

He can’t tell Dean about the days that followed, because he doesn’t remember much of them. Two, three, maybe four days slipped away while he hid in a shitty motel, drinking, and the memories that remain are disjointed flashes in his mind: the ugly floral duvet under his cheek as he collapsed face-first into the bed, the cold white bathroom tiles and the bruises they left on his knees, a ceiling fan distorted through salt-swollen eyes as he watched it spinning lazily overhead, the taste of bile, the blood on his knuckles, the broken shard of mirror that he picked up and turned over in his hands for longer than he’ll ever admit. 

No. He can’t start there.

“She saved my life,” he says hoarsely, and Dean waits while Sam tries to find the words. 

He still hears John, sometimes: Why are you crying? Be strong. Be brave. Get over yourself. Other people got it a lot worse, y’know. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. 

He’s gotten better at ignoring John’s voice, over the years, but it’s harder to ignore his memories of Dean. Dean blinking back tears, forcing a smile. It’s going to be okay, Sammy. I’m fine, Sammy, don’t worry about me. He’s always wanted to be like his big brother, and his big brother wouldn’t let himself wallow the way Sam had. His big brother would’ve found a way to fight back. 

The crossroads demon had been his only real hope. 

Just take me. It’s a fair trade. 

The worst part was, that no didn’t really surprise him. Of course his life wasn’t worth the same as Dean’s. Of course it wasn’t enough, he wasn’t enough, to save his brother the way Dean had saved him. 

Sam wasn’t sure who he was without Dean, without a mission, without anything to hold onto. 

He’d gotten in the car and started driving. He thought about heading West, out to the cliffs and curves of Highway One; the guardrail was so flimsy, and the Pacific would be steely-grey and welcoming. He thought about heading East, all the way to Maine; the shoreline was rocky and rough, and the crabs would find his body. He could go to Florida, drive into a swamp, let the muck swallow him slowly. He could go to the Dakotas, drive out into the desert, park there and wait, and the vultures would descend eventually. He wondered if anyone would notice that he was gone. 

He can’t tell Dean that.  

So he doesn’t tell Dean about the directionless days. He starts with the day Ruby found him. 

He doesn’t tell Dean about the relief he felt, when he thought Ruby was going to kill him. He doesn’t tell Dean about the cold crush of disappointment in his chest when she stabbed the demon instead. 

He tells Dean about her new body, “100% socially conscious.” He tells Dean about the plan to find Lilith: “I wanted to go right away.” 

Sam had asked, What do you want from me? 

A little patience. And sobriety. 

Sobriety made it harder to sleep, and insomnia made it even harder to remember what was real. He didn’t feel real. He felt like a faded, dull husk of a person, a sunbleached copy of a photograph instead of a breathing human with a heartbeat. Ruby told him to use his strength, but he didn’t have anything left. 

Sam didn’t much care if he died, and some days he wasn’t even sure he was still alive. 

He can’t tell Dean that. 

He sees the way Dean looks at him sometimes. He sees the exhaustion in Dean’s eyes, the worry flickering behind that, and Sam doesn’t want to add to the weight on his big brother’s shoulders. 

Ruby said, Just give it time, Sam. It'll get better. I'm not talking about pulling demons. I know losing Dean was…

I don't want to talk about it. 

The anger tasted ashy in his mouth. It burned, but in a purifying way, like a forest fire clearing the land for new growth. The anger helped him focus. He balled his hands into fists, imagined punching her, imagined that pretty face swollen and bleeding. 

He doesn’t tell Dean about that. 

You know what? Where do you get off slapping me with that greeting-card, time-heals crap? What the hell do you know? I used to be human. And I still remember what it feels like to lose someone. I'm sorry.

He almost did punch her, at that. 

When she kissed him, it was Dean’s voice in the back of his head saying, this is wrong. He shoved her away. 

“I knew it was wrong,” Sam confesses, and he can’t meet Dean’s eyes. “But…” 

He didn’t care, in the moment. It was his brother’s opinion that had always mattered; he always wanted to make Dean proud. But Dean was dead, and Sam had been drifting for so long, and Ruby’s skin was warm and soft and real under his hands.

It was more like a battle than a kiss. It was teeth and claws, ripping each other apart, but every bite and every scratch felt like a reminder that Sam was still alive. 

“Sam?” Dean snaps. “Too much information.” And there it is, there’s the disgust Sam knew was coming. Dean’s lip curls and Sam feels like a child again, clumsy and stupid next to his strong, steady anchor of a big brother. 

The half-truth sits uncomfortably in his throat, and Sam has to work to get it past his lips: “I’m coming clean.” 

There’s something monstrous inside him, something warped and wrong. There’s always been something wrong with him. 

He thinks of the vial in his pocket, the burst of copper on his tongue like a mushroom cloud, the silent dare in Ruby’s big dark eyes and the way she sighs when he slices her open. It burns a little hotter every time he drinks, and he must be charred and black inside by now. 

He hasn’t felt clean for a long time. 

That’s the thing about fire, though; it cleanses, purifies, and maybe he’ll burn up hot enough to take Lilith with him someday. Self-immolation seems inevitable, at this point. His life doesn’t mean much, but maybe his death will. 

“Pretty soon after that,” Sam says, “I put together some signs. Omens. Lilith was in town, and I wanted to strike her first.” Ruby had looked so goddamn concerned, when she realized, and Sam had hated her for it. You don’t want to survive this. This isn't what Dean would've wanted. This isn't what he died for.

“She came after me,” Sam says. “She saved me.” 

He hesitates. 

He doesn’t tell Dean about the blood. 

Sam remembers the night after that failed attack. He remembers watching Ruby cut herself for the first time: his stomach roiling and his skin crawling, the blood welling up and beading into shiny pearls of red. He imagined it sliding down his throat and staining his guts that same dark crimson. 

He doesn’t tell Dean about the way it sizzled on his lips, crackled and sparked inside him, lit him up in a whole new way. He doesn’t tell Dean about the next demon, the way the black oily smoke poured out all at once, faster than he’d ever seen it leave a human before, and the way his veins sang with the power. 

He doesn’t tell Dean about the too-hot shower afterward, when the fizz was long gone and he scrubbed himself raw trying to get rid of the itch that it left behind. 

He didn’t like the way he felt with Ruby, but at least he felt something again. 

“If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be here,” he tells Dean quietly. 

He doesn’t ask, Do you regret dying for me? Was I worth it? 

He’s not sure he could live with the answer. 

.

.

.

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[mytherapistsays-blog]

SPRING TRENDS - Because floral is boring af 

SPRING TRENDS - Because floral is boring af  ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ @MyTherapistSays ⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣ https://mytherapistsays.ca/spring-trends-because-floral-is-boring-af/

Goodbye winter depression! Spring is here PPL. A time where the depression is still low-key there just suppressed to enjoy the sun, floppy hats and ten too many Frosés! This does mean there is some housekeeping activities upon us: 1. A long overdue shaving session (legs are back and out to play) in case you haven’t gotten around to getting laser hair removal yet. 2. Pretending you’ve been naturally tan all year round (Grab some St.Tropez & a mitt girl) – note how we said “tan” not “orange”. **We recommend blasting some Dua Lipa bc we all need that confidence while looking at how the winter months of stress eating and hiding from the outside changed us** But most importantly 3. Remembering how to even dress without just throwing on a black coat and scarf over the whole damn outfit and calling it a day. Ugh, #beautyisWORK.   

After many weeks of being bundled up it’s easy to forget how to dress in the warm weather. HA jk not possible because we know you stalk yourself on Instagram at least once a week —scrolling all the way down to those summer pics thinking about how much hotter you were a year ago. Or even worse, you’ve posted a “can’t wait for warmer weather” pic from the one photoshoot you had all year in a bikini (after your week long adderall diet). Well, if you’ve been like me stalking every second of NYFW. You would already know Kaia Gerber is literally cooler than anyone, Anna Wintour and Cardi B became bffs, and the most shocking: fringe is back. Here’s what you should look out for when doing some retail therapy because lets face it, cuffing szn is about to be over. It’s #springcleaning time, say bye to (temporary) bae and hey to these new clothes and get ready to serve LOOKS.  

SPARKLES

Anything Sequin, Bedazzled, Glittery

Welcome to the new age of all eyes on you. Remember the days when we were scared of sequin, not wanting to look like a Sherri Hill prom dress or a tacky Las Vegas bachelorette party? Yeah, that was until Cardi B brought that SH%* back “Diamonds all over my body, shining all over my body”. Day time, night time, hungover at brunch. Shine like the star you believe you are after three tequila shots. 

LET’S GET FRINGE-Y

Not too fringe-y though. *Comeback Alert* Thank god you never actually followed the ‘minimalist’ phase and did anything with the clothes that haven’t been touched for the past three years. Deja Vu from 2015…maybe this is a sign we should text our exes from that year too? Wild West fringe means major Coachella moves are going to be made. However, it’s more of a post one pic in a fringe item (crop top, skirt, purse) so people know you are #ontrend then go back to forgetting it was ever there. 

SHEER

#NewEra

This spring let your feminist rights be shown by wearing the absolute least and doing the absolute most. Support the #freethenip movement with help of your new bff, sheer fabric. We gotta give it up for Bella Hadid for constantly SLAYING this trend. Basically anything sheer is the best way to show as much as possible and get away with it. By legit sliding a translucent bodysuit on, you basically embody the classy slutty look (goals!). 

RUFFLES

Calorie Free Ruffles

The only ruffles we have ever been cozy to are Lays, but maybe only since Kaia is telling us its cool. We believe it. A good tip when finding a dress or top that is ruffly is to make sure it’s fitted so you aren’t looking like an 8 year old flower girl. Just think: mature ruffles. #RuffleMeUp. (How many more times can we say the word ruffle?)

YELLOW

We all have been waiting for our “Andie Anderson” moment from How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. If you don’t know the exact scene we are talking about, you don’t even deserve to wear satin it’s when Kate Hudson steps out in a simple, yellow, satin open back gown and does a twirl for Matthew McConaughey. She knew, he knew, we all knew she looked hot. So this spring let’s find our ‘Andie’ inspired yellow dress, which Gigi has already accomplished (duh), and live one of the best rom-com moments in the 2000s history. 

BRING OUT THOSE ART HISTORY DEGREES

#Cultured #Art #Intellect 

You don’t have to go to the Louvre to see Mona Lisa, just go to Louis V! Kendall Jenner approved of this art inspired trend with her Louis Vuitton Mona Lisa art purse. This trend is awesome especially because it’ll make you look sophisticated AF. You’re not educated on art history? I’m sorry… I can’t have a conversation with someone beneath me when I have Van Gough on my tote. Many designed embraced art prints this season, but the Versace outfit with the pop art image of Marilyn Monroe is probs our fave. 

[sciencespies]

Climate change is making us sicker, and we need to talk about it

https://sciencespies.com/environment/climate-change-is-making-us-sicker-and-we-need-to-talk-about-it/

Climate change is making us sicker, and we need to talk about it

The climate crisis is making people sicker – worsening illnesses ranging from seasonal allergies to heart and lung disease.

Children, pregnant people and the elderly are the most at risk from extreme weather and rising heat. But the impact of the climate crisis – for patients, doctors and researchers – is already being felt across every specialty of medicine, with worse feared to come.

“There’s research suggesting that our prescription medications may be causing harm because of changing heat patterns,” said Aaron Bernstein, a pediatric hospitalist who is the co-director of the Center for Climate, Health and the Global Environment at Harvard University.

“There’s evidence that extreme weather events are affecting critical medical supplies so we can’t do things as we normally would do because IV fluids aren’t available.

“And there’s evidence that extreme weather events are knocking out power more and more, and that is a huge issue for providing care in healthcare facilities.”

In a recent example, a study in the Journal of the American Medical Association found that lung cancer patients undergoing radiation were less likely to survive when hurricane disasters disrupted their treatments.

An August article in the New England Journal of Medicine lays out dozens of similar studies to show how the climate crisis affects each practice of medicine.

Renee Salas, a co-author of the report, who teaches emergency medicine at Harvard Medical School said: “The climate crisis is impacting not only health for our patients but the way we deliver care and our ability to do our jobs. And that’s happening today.”

Allergies

Climate change makes allergies worse.

As temperatures increase, plants produce more pollen for longer periods of time, intensifying the allergy seasons. Increased concentrations of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere can make plants grow more and cause more grass pollen, which causes allergies in about 20 percent of people. Carbon dioxide can also increase the allergy-causing effects of pollen.

Neelu Tummala, an ear, nose and throat specialist at the George Washington Medical Faculty Associates in Washington DC, said she sees many patients with allergic rhinitis, or inflammation of the nasal cavity, congestion and post-nasal drip.

“It used to be that tree pollens were only in spring, grasses were just in summer, ragweed was just in fall,” Tummala said. “But the timing of those is starting to overlap more.”

One of Tummala’s patients, Kelly Kenney, had minor seasonal allergies as a child but now suffers from year-round from sinus pains, ear pressure and congestion.

“The last four years, my symptoms have gotten increasingly worse,” Kenney said.

Pregnancy and newborn complications

Pregnant people are more vulnerable to heat and the air pollution that is being made worse by climate change.

Bruce Bekkar, a San Diego-based obstetrician gynaecologist who stopped practising six years ago to spend more time as a climate activist, has compiled 68 studies from the continental US on the association between heat, smog and the tiny particles of pollution that come from fossil fuels and how they are connected with premature birth, low birth weight and stillbirth.

More smog forms when it is hot, and some research suggests particulate matter also increases with the climate crisis, although the data is less robust.

Bekkar said he and his co-authors found a significant association in 58 of the 68 studies. The body of research covers 30 million births in the US.

Bekkar said doctors should talk to their patients about how heat waves could lead to premature births and how staying away from air pollution can help them keep their children healthy.

“We’re finding that we have increasing numbers of children born already in a weakened state from heat and air pollution. That’s a totally different story than thinking about climate change as the cause of hurricanes over Florida … It’s a much more pervasive and ongoing impact.”

In the developing world pregnant people can also suffer from food and water scarcity. Insect-borne illnesses – such as the Zika virus, which was spread by mosquitoes – are also a hazard to developing fetuses.

Heart and lung disease

Air pollution gets worse as temperatures rise, stressing both the heart and lungs. The fossil fuel pollution that causes the climate crisis also is linked with increased hospitalisations and deaths from cardiovascular disease, and it is connected with more asthma attacks and other breathing problems.

More intense wildfires spew dangerous smoke into the air, as documented in the western US this year. And hotter days make more smog, which the American Lung Association describes as acting “like a sunburn on your lungs which may trigger an asthma attack”.

Risks for children

Children under the age of five experience the majority of the health burden from climate change, according to Salas’ report.

Samantha Ahdoot, a paediatrician in Alexandria, Virginia, treated an 11-year-old and a 13-year-old who moved from Florida after a hurricane destroyed their community and their medical records at their doctor’s office.

One needed surgery for a heart condition and had to start from scratch with a new cardiologist. Both had attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) that was harder to treat amid the major life disruption and without records on adjustments to medication dosages.

Ahdoot, who also founded the group Virginia Clinicians for Climate Action, said she has seen an influx of families moving because of weather disasters.

Dehydration and kidney problems

Much hotter days make it harder to stay hydrated. They are linked with electrolyte imbalances, kidney stones and kidney failure. Patients who need dialysis as their kidneys fail can have trouble getting treatment during extreme weather events.

Skin disease

Higher temperatures and the depletion of the ozone layer increase the risk of skin cancer. The same refrigerants and gases that damage the ozone layer contribute to climate change.

Digestive illnesses

Heat is linked with higher risks for salmonella and campylobacter outbreaks. Extreme rains can contaminate drinking water. Harmful algae blooms that thrive in higher temperatures can cause gastrointestinal problems, too.

Infectious disease

Changing temperature and rainfall patterns allow some insects spread farther and transmit malaria, dengue, Lyme disease and West Nile virus. Waterborne cholera and cryptosporidiosis increase with drought and flooding.

Mental health conditions

The American Psychological Association created a 69-page guide on how climate change can induce stress, depression and anxiety. The group says “the connections with mental health are often not part” of the climate-health discussion.

People exposed to or displaced by extreme weather or violent conflict are at higher risk for mental health challenges. Extreme heat can also make some mental illnesses worse.

The University of Maryland’s Howard Center for Investigative Journalism found emergency calls relating to psychiatric conditions increased about 40 percent in Baltimore in summer 2018, when the heat index surged above 103 F (39 C), as reported on NPR.

And some psychotropic medications interfere with the body’s ability to regulate temperature – increasing vulnerability to heat.

Neurologic disease

Fossil fuel pollution can increase the risk of stroke. Coal combustion also produces mercury – a neurotoxin for fetuses. Diseases spread by mosquitoes and ticks increase the chance of neurological problems.

Extreme heat is also linked with cerebrovascular disease, a disorder that affects blood supply to the brain.

Nutrition

Carbon dioxide emissions are lowering the nutritional density of food crops, reducing plant levels of protein, zinc and iron and leading to more nutritional deficiencies. Food supplies are also disrupted by drought, societal instability and inequity linked with climate change.

Trauma

Extreme weather events, including hurricanes, floods and wildfires, often cause physical injuries. Doctors see minor fractures, crush injuries and smoke inhalation.

Extreme heat is also linked with aggression and violence, and the climate crisis globally is connected with violent conflict and forced migration.

This story was originally published by The Guardian, and is republished here as part of the Covering Climate Now partnership to strengthen the media’s focus on the climate crisis.

#Environment

[sierra-grace1227]

Boy X Boy- Part 1

*Ring Ring Ring* I heard as I got up from my first period seat, god how I love school. Did that even sound remotely believable? Probably not, but I mean who enjoys school anyways. Today is the 2nd day in April, meaning there was only this month and the next till summer. I am a senior so this is my last year. I was at the entrance to the classroom door when I heard Mrs. Green yell "Caleb, come here for one moment please!" I turned to the short woman, she was tiny but fierce if you piss her off enough. Basically she told me that my grades are the top of the class again, like always. I hate school but I have to have good grades or else my parents will kill me and I will not be able to graduate.  When she is finished talking I leave and as I walk to my 2nd period, I bump into some kid who is a head shorter than me, chocolate brown eyes that are just so innocent and hypnotic, and soft pink, plump lips that I could just kis... wait am I staring to hard? Shit, he probably thinks I'm creepy now. Anyways, my name is Caleb and I am 17 years old; I am also gay and still have not told my parents who just think I am just really shy to the point where I do not talk to girls besides my twin best friends Andria and Audrey Cooper, plus my bestest friend Naveah Redstone. I'll explain later, back to present time. I held out my hand for him to take and he graciously accepted. "Thanks, my name is Adrian but you probably already knew that since i'm in your 3rd period. I'm the football team's quarterback." "I'm Caleb, I don't do sports but I do photography and chorus. I know it's not impressive but, I really don't mind since it's my last year anyways. I am just glad to get out of here. Also, yes I know. Wait, not in a creepy way but like cause they call role call and I hear your name and I always pay attention... I should just stop talking now. Sorry." "It's okay, I know what you mean and same. School is basically hell in disguise." he laughed out. God his laugh is perfect and husky. His smile is blindingly white. How can one human being be so flawless? "Hello?" I was snapped out of my daze when he spoke so suddenly. "Huh? I'm uh... I'm... I'm fine. Sorry, I need to get to 2nd period the second bell is probably about to ring." He just said a quiet okay and went his own way too. Skipping over second period and 10 minutes of third, I felt a paper ball hit the back of my head. Are you serious, who is that childish to throw paper. That is like elementary or middle school, not senior year. I turn around to find the guilty party, only to see a smiling Adrian. He mouthed 'read the note' so I did "Hey, you seem chill so I was wondering if you wanted to sit with my friends and I at lunch. We sit at the elevated area of tables right by the lunch line exit.-Adrian" I turned around and mouthed yes before turning back and staring at the clock for the next 10 minutes. Right at the end of the 1st part of the lesson before lunch, the teacher turned explaining the last section of the lesson for the first half to everyone before yelling "Caleb, are you paying attention?!" "Yes ma'am I'm listening." "What did I just say then?" "Martin Luther King Jr. was a civil rights activist who wanted peace and equality for all which he made known with his I have a Dream speech on August 28, 1963 on the steps of Lincoln Memorial. He died fighting for his beliefs but his efforts continued through others who were inspired by his work and wanted to commemorate to his death by continuing his work to break down the walls of racial controversy that still remained in that period of time. Dr. King is the reason and inspiration for the world we have today, because of his determination everyone despite color may join together as he said " at the table of brotherhood" He was one of the many activists who made a change in the world such as Gandhi and Nelson Mandela." It was all silent when I finished while the teacher just looked in shock but quickly regained her composure and stated "I never said some of those facts" "No you didn't, however your job as a teacher is to thoroughly explain in detail of the topic that is being taught and I am just simply going over what you failed to due to your lack of knowledge or just plainly cause you do not care. Whichever way I do not care either. Now if you will excuse me I shall be leaving to lunch in 3...2....1...*Riiiiiiinnnnnngggg*  "Teachers, at this time please release all 12th grade students to the lunch room at this time. I repeat, Teachers release all of your 12th grade students at this time." "Goodbye." I walked out of that classroom while I heard many screaming about how I told her and many other ignorant terms were thrown but I do not care for them. I allowed Adrian to catch up and I sat with him and his group at lunch. We sat there talking but his friends teased him asking if I was his new boy toy, which I was confused about. "Uhm, yeah. I'm gay so they always mess with me if I bring another guy with me. Sorry, if that's too weird for you." "No no no! It's fine, i'm actually gay too and I also didn't want to tell you for the same reason; for fear of being looked down upon or thought of differently." He just smiled and told me that he thinks we will get along quite well then.   *Time skip to three months later* Adrian and I have gotten much closer now, we keep flirting with each other but neither of us makes the move to ask the other one out. I'm not sure if he wants to date or he is just very playful and flirty but it doesn't mean anything. We are currently at my house when I hear "Caleb!" "Yeah?!" All of the sudden, Aiden just jumps on top of me and tackles me into the couch. He straddles me while looking me into the face and says "Question, imma be straight forward with you. Do you like me... like more than a friend? Cause my friends keep telling me that but I wanted to ask you directly. If you do it's fine." I started blushing and I knew it cause my face felt hotter. I probably look like a tomato right now. I muttered a quiet "yes" and kept looking anywhere but him. I felt him grab the sides of my face, the next thing I knew was his lips were on mine. They were so soft and plump, and moved perfectly against mine. God it felt like heaven, but if this is a dream then don't wake me up please. We continued to kiss passionately till we both ran out of breath, despite my hard breathing I loved every second his lips were on mine- molding together and moving in perfect harmony. When he regained his breath he said " Will you be my boyfriend?" I grasped the back of his neck and pushed my lips against his once more, he responded almost immediately. "God, I can never get enough of you Caleb. Your like a drug, and you have me under your hypnotic and addictive spell that I can't forget. You have no idea how many times at lunch whenever we talked, I just stared at your lips. Just wanting to taste them, bite them, kiss them, claim them with my own. Now I finally have and you don't even realize how happy I am right now." "I'm glad I make you happy Adrian." I continued to cuddle with him on the couch till we both fell asleep. *Another time skip to 7 months later* Once again I came in late, way to much homework, I am a college freshman now and started 3 months ago. This school year has actually been good, I am still dating Adrian and we are doing steadily good. He is very loving and caring and I try my best to act the same way also. As I get lost in my thoughts, they are interrupted when Aiden taps my shoulder when i'm daydreaming. "I got accepted to Princeton! Aren't you proud of me?!" I'm happy he got accepted except he will be 2 hours and 26 min away since we live in Baltimore Maryland now since I got accepted to St. Hopkins University. Yes I did my research when he told me he applied, I was worried. "I'm happy for you and I'm proud." "I swear I won't let distance affect us, okay?" "Okay." That was 3 months ago that he promised me that and Yet two months after that he called me and wanted to break it off because he disliked the distance and he found other guys who are better and closer to him. Really? He was two hours away and couldn't make the effort to drive here at least one weekend every month. I tried to go down to him because I wanted it to work, but everytime he said he had to much work to do when in reality he had to many guys to screw behind my back while I was being faithful to him because I really loved him. To top that off my mom died from cancer a few days before he broke up with me and my dad died last week from depression and overdosing. Did I forget to mention that I have no siblings and all my friends went to different locations that are way to far from me. The Cooper twins are in France because of guys and shopping and Naveah is in Cali trying to make a name for herself since she always wanted to be a singer. My depression has also came back, which it's reappearance can be blamed on everything. Aiden helped me without even knowing it but now that's all over and I've resorted back to cutting away my sorrows. Ever since my mom's death and the breakup then my grades dropped, which got even worse when my dad died. I know cutting is a terrible way and I've tried getting help but nothing works. It's like my addiction that I know I need to stop but I just can't because it's the only thing that keeps me going day by day without actually killing myself. But now, I'm just thinking to hell with it all. I don't fucking care anymore, if no one else cares then I won't either. I go up to my bathroom and grab a blade out of the drawer under the sink and fill the bathtub with cold water before sitting myself in it, clothes and all. I began cutting with every thought I had, I am nothing, I'm pathetic, I'm worthless, I am a waste of space and air, I am disgusting, I am the worst son and boyfriend ever, I am a mistake, I wasn't meant to be in this world besides for torture, I deserve the pain, I'm all alone now, I have no one, No boyfriend or parents, no siblings or friends, no one And I deserve it. I am an outcast, a freak, a depressed soul who just couldn't escape their demons inside, no one to help conquer them, no one to put the broken pieces of me back together. Even I can't. "I'm sorry for being born." I whispered as I sliced my throat open, submerging my head under water. I could feel my lungs burning for oxygen but I ignored it as my world went dark, my body went numb, and my hearing faded out.