#my stupid little brain operates on solving the puzzle or knowing why it was unsolvable but fuck!!!
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I think I hurt myself real good going back into the past damn dude I’m stupid and I went back even further before me and I’m so dumb why didn’t I see shit
#fuck man sometimes I feel like I got left for things I couldn’t fully control and it hurts but I had some control but fuck I don’t know man#clearly therapy hasn’t helped me jackshit on this topic because I cannot get any closure on it#my stupid little brain operates on solving the puzzle or knowing why it was unsolvable but fuck!!!#I can look at these messages but they tell me nothing and show me nothing aside from what I lost and what changed#I only know your view in hindsight but I knew it at the time too I just didn’t know how to give you what you wanted haha#I can only ask forgive me I’m dumb so many times there but my brain just goes in circles#why did I have to fall head over heels for you I didn’t want to be with anyone before this!!!!!#I wanted to just wither away slowly and peacefully I wanted solitude I was ready to just float on somewhere without a care#and then I cared. I grew to care for you so much. I still care so much. I wanted to be with you so much. I still kind of do.#I still can’t really think properly when it comes to you and I hate it I hate my emotions so much sometimes I had emotional dysregulation#I hate my executive dysfunction#I hate my procrastinating nature I hate my stubbornness#I hate all the things that made me lose you#why couldn’t I just be the things that made you love me and want to stay why did I find it so hard to reconcile with myself
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