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har-rison-s · 5 years

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stand by me: continued

request: Could you do more adult Stanley domestic fluff? Like the Losers meeting the reader and Stan’s (who managed to stay together since childhood) gaggle of kids after the whole Pennywise ordeal?

A/N: Bonjour madames and monsieurs. Hello. This is so cute. I swear I have so many kid fics with Stanley now, but I get why y'all want more of them. I KNOW. And I don't mind, honestly. Stanley is a perfect dad. Ahsdbfsdh. This just makes my heart swoon. Also, I combined this request with a previous one cos I thought they'd fit well, hope you don't mind, I took “Stand By Me”, yeah I know they're best friends, but ya know, I thought it'd be cool. And I took kid names from “Children Are The Future”, so… yeah :> And I'm keeping Eddie alive, as always. This could be long. Happy reading!

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gif credit goes to owner, which isn't me!

Adjusting every detail to leave Derry together wasn't easy, but Y/N and Stanley were smart. They knew their way around their parents, and they knew how to get what they wanted.

The pair got into the same college, found homes for their parents that were in the same city and even figured out how to be roommates in the college. There was the awful fear in them that if they split in a big way at some point, they'd lose each other forever. And neither Stanley, nor Y/N would let that happen.

You'd think it's hard to put up with one person everywhere you go, but for these two it was not called putting up. It was treasuring every moment together and sticking to each other through whatever. They couldn't live without each other if they tried and they would never want to imagine a life without the other.

Because of IT this fear of splitting up or losing each other was only enlarged. Y/N was with him when Stanley went to the hospital to patch his face up, she was there at his Bar-Mitzvah, she was there when everyone started leaving one by one, she has always been there. And to think there'd be a point in their lives where that won't be possible… It's strange to think about, to say the least. Seems impossible.

And, at one point, they woke up with the thought to spend the rest of their lives together. Officially. Somehow a love that was more than friends forever grew into a passionate, romantic love.

It was a sunny day after their both first biology exam. Stanley and Y/N were both tired, but glad that the last exam was done. They walked in silence across the college campus towards their favorite place to eat.

“Let's get married.” Stanley had said in his usual voice and Y/N had looked at him. She wasn't even weirded out or confused, she understood what he had meant. She's been able to read his mind since they were kids.

“When we finish school, okay? I have, like, twenty dollars right now.” She had said in response and it made Stanley laugh. But, of course, he agreed. An official wedding during college years can only happen if you're super rich and always stay up at night (and also have no problem with it). And that's what they wanted - a real cliché wedding.

The love they made that night was magical. It just happened, it wasn't planned or supposed-to-be, it was quite accidental. They discovered each other and their bodies in a way they hadn't before. It was like knowing the other from a completely different side. One of the best nights of their lives.

When the two finished college with shining bright diplomas and recommendations, they did get married. It was a beautiful wedding.

It happened in the summer following their graduation. The guest number was no higher than fifty and they liked it that way. Family, college friends and even some teachers and a few other people were the only ones invited. Stanley and Y/N both felt like they had forgot to invite somebody, or even more than one person. But they could never place who and why, but, eventually, they let the feeling go.

However, when years later, Stanley answered a call from their old friend from Derry, Y/N and he recalled who they had forgot. When Stanley told her who called, it all came back. As if a bottle of champagne had been popped open and everything started to burst out. Their friends, their fears, their adventures and fights and… every little thing.

But they couldn't go. The Uris family were on a well-deserved vacation and were actually too afraid. They told Mike so, and he understood, though he felt everything might fail if they weren't together. The following days after the call were filled with crazy anxiety for the married couple. Y/N was holding the kids close to her at all times and refused to let Stanley go somewhere on his own. The kids were very confused and had a lot of questions, but their parents couldn't even begin to explain. Sounds silly, but the family were even in the bathroom all together. That was the most fearful place of all in the hotel suite.

During a very late night hour, Y/N, still awake reading a book with her husband and kids in bed with her, felt a wave of relief through her entire body. She shed tears from the way it felt. And there was this strange feeling in her right palm. When she looked at it, the scar she'd remembered had started fading and in a few seconds it wasn't there anymore.

Freedom. She was free of fear, she thought, free of her anxieties. It was so sudden and strong, it moved more tears to pour out of her eyes.

She gently woke Stanley and when he came to, she greeted him with the wonderful news. And Stanley realised he felt it, the wave, too. There was no nervousness in his eyes or his hands, no doubts or fears either. And he smiled. Stanley and Y/N cried out of happiness and freedom. So loud that they wakened their kids and made them very confused.

Why is Mommy and Daddy crying? Both daughters and their son asked each other and themselves. But their parents smiled at them and said that everything is alright now, that they're not sad, they're happy. The kids wondered how you can cry when you're happy, but they decided not to ask and layed in their parents arms and fell asleep again. All of them did.

Stanley had never had a better slumber in all his life, he realised. He had never slept so peacefully and so deeply. And without weird dreams or nightmares. This was a clean sleep, without a good dream, even. They were finally free. They were all free.

Y/N and Stanley knew that IT had been killed. That's all this feeling could mean. It couldn't be a coincidence that Mike Hanlon had called and after a few nights they got this freeing feeling and their scars fading. IT was dead. IT was finally dead and done terrorising their lives. They could breathe.

“This is the best I've ever felt in my life, I think.” Stanley had said when they had breakfast that morning. Y/N had looked at him, her eyes in a happy and loving haze. She had nodded, feeling the same.

Mike Hanlon wanted to call again, but Stanley Uris beat him to it. After the Uris family returned from their holiday, they decided to invite their childhood friends over to their house. Firstly, to meet the kids. Secondly, to talk about everything that these 27 years hold.

The kids decided everything about the dinner, starting with the food and ending with where everyone is sitting. They three are supposed to sit in the middle of the left side of the table, like kings and queens did back in the day. They had longer tables, but that doesn't matter. Robin, Jay and Ava wanted to be seated there, so they would be.

Telling the kids about their friends were more fun for Y/N and Stanley than they expected. It was really like a big story, like one out of a book, and the kids loved to hear it. Stanley thought it to be one they'd ask for every night before sleep now.

He hoped his friends hadn't changed at all, well if only for the better, if that could be possible with the friends he had. They were perfect people who had the darkest fears and the most traumatic childhoods. It made Stanley sad to think about how much they all had seen and felt in the bad sense of things. He wished he could erase those bad things, not the good ones. He would have loved to remembered his pack of friends in these 27 years, have people he could see now and then. But he had Y/N. He always had her.

“My name is Jay and I'm sixteen.” The Uris oldest child introduces herself to her parents' friends. Richie, Eddie and everyone else can see the amazing resemblance of Y/N in her. The girl's voice was from Stanley, everything else was a hundred percent Y/N.

“I'm Ava and I'm ten years old.” The other daughter says and gives the Losers a little wave. Her hands then grasp the sides of her dress and she moves slightly from left to right out of pure shyness.

“My name is Robin and I'm five years old.” The only son introduces himself. Bill can really see much more Stanley in this boy than Stanley's daughter, which would only be logical. He has the curls, the eyes, the voice, the posture, and, it seems, the persona.

“Nice to meet all you guys!” Beverly says and opens her arms for the kids to run into, but everyone laughs when they don't. Y/N ushers them and they run to embrace Beverly, a newly-confirmed aunt for them. The woman's embrace is very warm and loving, the kids can feel it.

“Now, Bev, we wanna have some time with the kids, too.” Richie complains and everyone laughs again.

Watching his kids interact with his childhood friends was something Stanley honestly thought he couldn't ever have, wouldn't have lived to see. But he's so happy.

And he sees that it's easy for his friends to interact with Jay, Ava and Robin. They're all just like Stanley and since they know their way around Stanley, there really is no difficulty with the kids.

Each of the children inhabit something from Stanley and Y/N, and they're such wondrous creatures, those three. Robin and Jay have got their father's eyes. Robin's look just like Stanley's when he was a kid. “They're even the same shape.” Said Eddie about the brown orbs.

Beverly almost shares the same hair color as Robin. His hair is mixed right between Stanley's brown curls and Y/N's golden locks. Together, they make an almost ginger shade. Matches very well with his name and its meaning. (Which Stanley thought is a big win)

Jay's hair is the same color as Stanley's was when he was her age. Light brown, acorn color. But her hair isn't as curly, it's wavy. Beverly loves her hair and recognises it as long as she used to have her hair. The two had a lot to talk about together, their conversation felt endless.

Ava's hair is a very bright color of blonde. Y/N and Stanley don't know how that happened, but their parents assured that it's nothing unusual. It'll grow to be darker with time, it happens with a lot of kids. Ava told Beverly she wants her to braid her hair, so she did.

Dinner was the kids' favorite meal - spaghetti with meatballs. Eddie had forgot his old nickname until Richie lifted some of his spaghetti strands from his plate and grinned. “Eddie, look who it is. I'm eating ya'!” The comedian had exclaimed in a crazed voice and slurped the spaghetti right into his mouth. Made everyone laugh again, including the kids, but not Eddie. He was only slightly smiling and shaking his head.

“Eddie Spaghetti.” Ben had said then, more to himself as a reminder than to everyone at the table. “Wait, what was Stanley's nickname again?” He then asked his friends.

Stanley sighed and rolled his eyes, his face dropping into his arms. Y/N had laughed, but put an arm around her husband's shoulders, showing some support. “Not at the table, guys, please!” Stanley had begged his friends, and, apparently, it had worked, cause they all just snickered to each other.

“I wanna know! I wanna know!” Ava had requested they tell her the nickname her father used to have.

“Later, sweetheart.” Mike had promised and Richie sent a wink her way, which made her blush and giggle. Ava was Richie's favorite kid from then on.

After the dinner, the Uris couple were washing the dirty plates and glasses together, despite their friends offering to do it instead. But the couple insisted. “You've always been like that.” Bill had said to Y/N, his arms dropping by his sides in mock-helplessness.

“Like what?” She had asked him, curious as to what he observed she was like.

“Stubborn. With a good heart.” Bill had told her and Y/N had smiled, drying a particular bowl.

The Losers are watching TV with the kids, a cartoon they really like is on and their parents approved of them watching it. The Losers want to spend as much time with the Uris kids as they can, so they all hop onto the sofa or the available areas around it and start watching the cartoon with the kids.

Richie has Ava in his lap, Beverly is sitting next to Jay and Robin's sitting next to Eddie in the comfy chair. They all look content and happy. Y/N and Stanley hear occasional giggles and actual fits of laughter from the sofa and smile at each other.

“Maybe we should let them stay over.” Stan throws an idea his wife's way. She looks at him, and has the same feeling she had when he suggested they get married. That same exact feeling.

“Well… We could all bunk in our bedroom and lay some mattresses in the kids' room.”

“Or here, in the living room. All in one room.”

“Yeah. Pull out the sofa. Do we still have that stretcher in the attic?”

“We do. I think Eddie could actually fit in Jay's bed, but she would never allow it.” Stanley admits and makes Y/N laugh.

“Neither would he. He'll only sleep in his own bed or one that he's cleaned out.”

Stanley laughs. He looks over at the sofa and TV area, where all his kids and friends sit watching the favored cartoon. He sighs.

Y/N notices him looking and looks, too. She steps closer to Stanley and hugs his torso, her head falls on his chest and her hair touches tickles his chin. He absent-mindedly hugs her back and tilts his head, letting it rest atop hers.

“We have to thank them.” Y/N states in a whispered voice. Stanley nods.

“For saving us.” He adds. “And our children.” He closes his eyes for a few seconds and sighs deeply. Thank God for my friends.

Permanent taglist: @gabiatthedisco @v0idbella@inlovewithmiddleagedcelebs @works-of-fanfiction @destiel-stucky4ever-loki-queen @stfxlou @ur-gunna-h8-ths@empressdreams@betweenloveandfire @but-legendsneverdie@deardeacy@thewinchesterchronicles@mavieesttriste16@mrsmazzello@benhardyseyes @langdonzvoid@intrrverted @the-freak-cassie-131

Stanley Uris tag-list: @nightbu-g @sadhwstudent @shawni-h @gothackedalready @seasidecrowbar @starred-river @raspberryacid @facelessbish @tozierskaspb @plum-duels @whereyoustand

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lovemesomerafael · 5 years

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Best That You Can Do Chapter 4: While Mike Was Dead

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Read it on AO3

William Dodds is destroyed by the death of his son. His devastation is so comlete that he finds himself leaning on Ingrid, of all people. When he picks her and Matthew up from the airport, he immediately clings to her as if his very sanity depends on it. As Mike’s mother, she alone has any hope of even approaching an understanding of the depth of William’s pain. She ends up sitting him down to one side of the baggage claim area and holding him while he completely dissolves in her arms. She motions for Matthew to get their bags, seeing Matthew’s embarrassment and knowing that William wouldn’t want to be this undone in front of their other son. Their only son, now.

The funeral is the single most agonizing moment of William Dodds’s life. He tries not to feel. He tries to simply shut himself down so that he can hold it together in front of the gathered brass and officers, but it costs him dearly. He ages ten years in the span of one unimaginably painful day. When it’s over, he goes home, gets as drunk as humanly possible, and sleeps for two days straight.

************

Kaitlyn is alone with her pain. She and Eleanor can share their sadness, but only Kaitlyn knows what she’s lost. What she’s thrown away. She has no right to grieve, but tell that to her heart. The only thing worse than her grief is her aching, crushing guilt. She could have made his last days happy. Instead, she’d… She can’t even get close to thinking about that yet.

She goes to his funeral. Of course she does; she’s Mike’s father’s right-hand man, and she’s expected to support the Chief in his time of loss. What she can’t do is acknowledge that it’s her loss, too. To anyone. Because she doesn’t deserve to. The sea of uniforms, the somber beauty of the honors done a fallen officer, would have hurt her soul anyway. But standing there, pretending to be a casual acquaintance, reeling with emotions she can’t begin to understand, she feels as though she’s polluting the ceremony. She feels as though she killed Mike herself.

Afterward, she feels duty bound to say some word of comfort to Mike’s squad and his Lieutenant. She’d rather be tossed naked into a live volcano, but she does it anyway. For Mike.

“Lieutenant Benson, I’m Kaitlyn Myers, from Chief Dodds’s staff-“

“Of course. We’ve met. I remember.”

“I just wanted to give you my condolences. I’m very sorry for your loss. And your squad’s.”

“Thank you. It’s a loss for the whole Department. He’s irreplaceable.” Olivia Benson isn’t crying, but she isn’t not crying, either. Kaitlyn is glad for Mike that he has good people, who treated him well, to shed honest tears for him.

“Yes, he is. He’s fortunate to have a Lieutenant who recognizes his worth.”

Lieutenant Benson swallows hard and nods.

“Kaitlyn, I don’t know if you remember me, I’m Sonny Carisi,” says the officer next to Benson, reaching out a hand for Kaitlyn to shake and pulling her a bit to the side.

“I remember,” she says. Carisi’s not a man you forget. “Mike talked about you. You were close. I’m so sorry.”

“Thanks.” Sonny leans down a little and steps forward so that he can speak too quietly for anyone else to hear. “We talked about you, too. He really liked you.”

Kaitlyn feels gut-punched. She can’t know it, but she looks gut-punched, too, which makes Sonny immediately regret saying anything.

“I didn’t make that very easy,” she whispers. She’s biting the inside of her mouth to keep from crying.

Sonny pulls her further away from the knot of people around the squad. “C’mon. You can’t blame yourself for that. He, uh, told us what happened. What the problem was.”

“The whole squad?” Kaitlyn squeaks.

“No, no, just me and my husband. In confidence. He was just lookin’ for some advice how to make things work with you.”

“Shit…” Kaitlyn wipes tears, and Sonny hands her a tissue. His kindness makes her cry harder.

“Listen to me. If you’re beating yourself up because you think you made him unhappy just before… Don’t. You couldn’t know. And you need what you need. Besides, he might have been miserable, but he wasn’t unhappy. If you know what I mean. We all enjoy a little romantic challenge.”

Carisi’s slight grin, and the muted glint in his eye, make Kaitlyn think his husband is a very lucky man. She also thinks he’s about the nicest guy she’s ever met for saying these things, untrue as they are.

“Thank you, Detective.”

“Sonny.”

“Coming with us to the wake? I’ll buy you a drink.”

“No. Thank you, but I don’t feel like I even belong here. I certainly don’t belong there.”

“The hell you don’t. Come.”

Kaitlyn shakes her head sadly. “I can’t. But thank you. Thank you for everything. And again, I’m truly sorry you lost a friend.”

“So did you. Don’t think I don’t know that.”

There’s a wet spot from Kaitlyn’s tears on Sonny’s lapel after he hugs her. Not a perfunctory hug, either. He gives her a tight, full-contact, several second hug that says more than his words ever could that he doesn’t blame her for the things she did to Mike. No wonder Mike was close to this guy.

She turns to go, and finds herself face to face with a good-looking, dark-haired man standing right behind her. She stammers an apology and moves to go around him.

“This is Kaitlyn, Rafael. Make her come to the wake.”

As Kaitlyn turns to look at Sonny, he nods to her and steps back into the impromptu receiving line that’s formed around the SVU squad. She turns back to the man he’s just called Rafael. “I, uh…”

“The squad is riding together in a limo. I’ll take you in my car,” he says. He has a bedroom voice and there’s a deep kindness in his eyes. Something clicks and Kaitlyn realizes this must be ADA Rafael Barba, Sonny Carisi’s husband.

“Thank you, that’s very kind, but I really can’t.”

Kaitlyn starts to mumble some garbled nonsense about having to get going, but it slows down and sputters out as Rafael simply looks at her with a vaguely amused smirk.

“What?” She finally asks.

“Ms. Myers, Detective Carisi just asked me to bring you to the wake. Which means you’re coming if I have to put you in the trunk.”

Kaitlyn blinks for a few seconds. She can’t help but smile a little at that. “His wish is your command?”

“Something like that.”

**************

Chief Dodds wakes up on the morning of the third day after his son’s funeral, puts on his suit, and goes to work. He tells himself that, although he’s broken now, he still has to do the job. People are depending on him.

It’s his anger that gets him moving. Somewhere in the fog of the last two days, he’s cried himself out. Not that he won’t still cry over losing Mike – he will – but he’s sobbed out the first, overflowing shocked sadness. Now comes the long, draining melancholy. But another emotion has bloomed inside him as he slept. Rage. He’s mad at the entire world. He hates that they’re all just getting on with things, as if the gaping hole Mike’s left in the world doesn’t make everything else completely fucking useless and meaningless.

When he gets to the office, the first thing he sees is the pity on Eleanor’s face. He practically snarls at her to knock it the hell off.

“We’re not gonna be sitting around here like it’s a morgue. We still have a job to do. Pull yourself together.”

She actually physically flinches, and the only thing he feels is a tiny twinge of satisfaction. He wants to hurt people. He wants to break things and howl in anguish and tear the planet apart. And when he gets to his office and sees Kaitlyn there, doing some damn pointless thing with files full of worthless bullshit, he sees red. Look at her, fucking bustling around like he didn’t just bury his son. Like she didn’t spend the last weeks of Mike’s life slapping him across the face and stomping his heart.

“Get out,” Dodds spits. He doesn’t think. He doesn’t hesitate a second. He’s not even all the way in his office yet when he starts firing at her like he’s a belt-fed automatic weapon.

She turns around and looks stunned. “I-“

“Get out. Get your things and get out. I never want to see your face again. I can’t fire you, although you better believe that’s what I’d do if I could. But you’re out of here as of now and you’re on administrative leave until I can find a place to stuff you.”

“Sir-“

“Who the fuck do you think you are? I’ll tell you who. You’re no one! You’re nothing! You’re a fucking ice queen, a conceited bitch who was never anywhere near good enough for my son, yet you thought you had the right to - Why are you just standing there? Get your lousy ass out of my office!”

“Sir, I-“

“Get OUT!” Dodds screams, and gets another little zing of terrible satisfaction at the fear on her face. An evil, bloody part of him enjoys the way she scurries out of his office like a kicked dog. He’s crying again, but it’s only a few hot, furious tears that are quickly dried. Until this moment, he hadn’t realized just how deeply he abhors that woman. He makes a note to ensure she gets transferred to the worst posting he can find. One where her career will wither on the vine and she’ll never be heard from again, the cold-hearted cunt.

************

Six Months Later:

Kaitlyn’s standing behind her supervisor, watching her demonstrate yet another bloated, redundant process she insists Kaitlyn follow. It seems like she senses Chief Dodds just before he enters the huge room, his meticulously-coiffed head visible above the walls of a field of cubicles. She tries to hide. She bends her head down and leans in, quickly thinking of questions to ask that will let her stay concealed behind the walls of her supervisor’s cube until he’s gone.

Except that he’s there for her. She hasn’t seen or spoken to him since the day he fired her – technically, it was a transfer, but they both know what it was – and when she learns he’s there for her, she’s terrified. She’s still raw and bleeding from the things he said to her that day. Mostly that’s because she was already saying those things to herself and she hasn’t stopped since. It’s been a rough six months since Mike died.

What’s weird is that, when they get into the conference room he’s commandeered, there are tears in his eyes as he kindly asks her to sit down. It’s a very small conference room, with a little round table and four chairs, and no room for anything else. Kaitlyn starts to shake. She has absolutely no idea what’s coming, but she knows in her bones she’s about to get knocked down again. She sighs. She deserves it. She actually hopes it gives the Chief a little bit of comfort. She’s always cared about him, and she’s never held what he did against him. She’d have done the same thing. Maybe she wouldn’t have come back half a year later to kick her some more, but whatever he needs. She’s not going to fight it. It’s no more than she deserves.

“Kaitlyn, I – would you like some coffee? Let’s have some coffee. That might make this easier.” The Chief opens the door to the conference room and stops the first person he sees. He tells them to bring two cups of coffee as though they’re all there to cater to him, with no more pressing work. Kaitlin feels a little glow, like long-banked coals being blown into life. He hasn’t changed.

He takes a few awkward steps around, like he’s got a ton of impounded energy and it’s hard for him to be still. He does a weird head-shake, then reaches out and takes the back of a chair to pull it out. He sits, and he looks directly into Kaitlyn’s face. She tries to face him as bravely as she can.

“How have you been?” His tone is kind again, like he hopes she’s been enjoying the Siberia to which he sentenced her.

“Fine, Sir. Thank you for asking. How are you?”

He laughs a little and shakes his head. “No, Kait. I’m really asking. Have you been OK here? It hasn’t been so bad?”

“It’s fine, Sir. What we do is important. Somebody has to be able to find these files when they’re needed for an appeal. We’re keeping criminals behind bars, where they belong.” She straightens her shoulders and sits up a little. She hates it here, and she knows he knows that. It’s why he sent her here. But she’s still going to do the best job she can, and she still cares enough about his opinion of her that she wants him to know that.

“Yeah,” he says, almost to himself. “I deserved that.”

“Sir?”

The woman he stopped knocks softly with her elbow on the glass of the conference room door. The Chief gets up and lets her in. She sets the cups of black coffee down on the table and leaves as quickly as she can. Chief Dodds and Kaitlyn both take a sip of the semi-hot coffee.

“That’s terrible,” he says, actually smiling at her. “Just the way I like it.”

Huh. That’s confusing. He’s making a little joke they used to make to each other about the ubiquitous, consistently awful coffee in the NYPD.

He must see her confusion, because he sets down his cup and leans in. “Kaitlyn, I have a lot to say to you. But it all has to start with an apology. I was lost when Mike died. I felt like there was nothing good or meaningful in the world. And I was so damn angry. Angry at Munson, angry at fate, or God, or whatever. Even angry at Mike for trying to be a hero, as if that wasn’t just who he was. Who I raised him to be. And I took that out on you. I’m sorry, Kaitlyn. I lashed out at you because you were there. You were convenient. I fucked up, and I hurt you because I was hurting so bad myself. And I am very, very sorry.”

Kaitlyn sits, stunned, feeling the warmth as she cradles the paper coffee cup and just looks at the Chief. Her mind is an absolute blank. “You lost your son, Sir. You’re entitled.”

He smiles at that and looks down at the table. “Do you know, I actually predicted that you would say that? You probably even believe it, which I don’t deserve.”

“Let’s not talk about ‘deserve’, Sir. I don’t know about you, but I sure as hell don’t want what I deserve.” All of Kaitlyn’s bitter guilt comes out in those words. Dodds’s head snaps up.

“No, Kaitlyn.”

“Sir?”

“That’s why I’m here. To right a wrong. I said… Well, we both remember what I said. But I was wrong, and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. And I sent you here, to the ass end of the Department, and that was wrong. Because you didn’t deserve it.” He gives her a meaningful look as he emphasizes the word, and holds up a hand when she starts to protest. “Don’t argue with me. I know what was going on with you and Mike. He told me. And I understand. Even if I didn’t know your father, which I do, I’d still say you didn’t deserve what I did. Who am I to tell you not to protect yourself? Anyway, that’s all water under the bridge. I’m here to get you out of here.”

Kaitlyn’s mind again blanks. She treats the Chief to a look of almost comical confusion.

“If it makes you feel any better, I’ve paid for my stupidity. The office is a wreck. Well, that’s not quite accurate. I’ve got a hell of a good staff, and they’re keeping it going. It’s me. I’m the wreck. I can’t function without you. I need you back. And what’s more, I want you back. It’s done, all I have to do is say the word, but… I’m not going to order you back. In fact, I’m offering to do whatever I can to get you placed wherever you want to go. I mean it when I say I’m sorry, and I’ll make it up to you as best I can. But I’m really, really hoping you’ll forgive the stupid mistakes of a grief-stricken old man and come back to my office. Please.”

Kaitlyn is actually a little concerned that she might have become paralyzed somehow. She’s entirely unable to move or speak. The problem is that her ability to think has returned with a vengeance. Now she’s thinking so many things, so fast, that she can’t catch any of her thoughts for long enough to try to follow one from beginning to end. Her expression changes like a kaleidoscope as she wrestles to focus.

“You need time. I should’ve expected that. You can have it. Of course. I’ll give you as long as you need. You just-“

“Yes.”

“-call me when you’ve made…” It takes a second for what she’s said to register. “Yes?”

“Yes. If you mean it. Yes.”

“I do. I mean it. I’ll take you with me today. Now. Just get your things-“

“You can’t just tear me out of my chair, Sir. I’m in the middle of some things. Sergeant Cox would be really inconvenienced.”

“And you care about that?”

“Not in the least,” Kaitlyn hears herself say, a tiny grin beginning to twist her lips as she begins to dare to believe the Chief. “But I care about the rest of the team. Can you give me until the end of the week?”

“Of course. Of course. And if you want to take some time off in between, that’s-“

“No, Sir. I don’t want to give you time to change your mind.”

He smiles at that. “I’m not going to change my mind, Kait. I meant every word I said. And, by the way, you’re getting a raise. ‘Words are cheap, show me the money,’ right? Heard you say that a million times. So I am.”

He stands as he says that, so she hesitantly follows. She isn’t prepared for him to bear-hug her, and doesn’t plan to burst into tears, but that’s what happens. When he speaks, she realizes he’s crying, too.

“Kait, I’m so sorry. I screwed up. But I’ll make it up to you. I swear.”

“You didn’t screw up. You did what you had to do at the time. Just, please, be serious about this.”

“I would never play you like that, Kait. I’m completely serious. First thing Monday, you’ll be back in the office and then everything will be all right again.”

Not everything, Kaitlyn thinks, but as long as she really gets to go back where she belongs, at least things will be better.

“Will you do me one tiny favor?” Kaitlyn dares to ask.

“Anything. Name it.”

“Can I be the one to tell Sergeant Cox?”

“I don’t think I like that evil gleam in your eye, Kaitlyn.” Chief Dodds gives an actual belly laugh, and Kaitlyn’s whole world gets brighter in that moment.

“Neither will Sergeant Cox. It’s been a long six months.”

“God help her. Go ahead.”

****************

Five Months Later:

Things still aren’t quite right in the Chief’s office. Kaitlyn thinks her replacement might have been a reflection of the Chief’s grief, because for the life of her she can’t see why he’d thought the guy was qualified. That might be sour grapes, of course, because the guy completely reorganized the computer filing system and Kaitlyn spent her first months back in the office fixing his “improvements” so that they can find things again. Kaitlyn secretly has little sympathy for the other members of the Chief’s staff, since they’d let the guy do it. But she keeps that to herself.

She’s happy. She always loved this job, but now she knows how lucky she really is. And things have changed subtly between her and the Chief. He’s finally stopped apologizing to her every five minutes and going out of his way to do things for her; they’re back to their comfortable rhythm and she’s back to doing things for him, which is her actual job, after all. But now that they’re back to normal, it’s clear that they have a deep, real relationship that goes beyond their work relationship. It’s nice. It feels more like father and daughter than employer and employee. And why wouldn’t it? He’s lost the only child he got to raise. He’s got love to give, and no one to give it to now that Mike’s dead. That thought makes Kaitlyn sad for Chief Dodds. She’s stopped trying to deny how sad she is for herself. Still.

She hasn’t even looked at another man since Mike died. He wasn’t even hers, she’d made sure of that, but she knows now what she missed. She also knows what a complete, unmitigated idiot she was. Susan Eisenberg’s been all over the tabloids with the lead singer of a rock band. Or ex-lead singer, because she’s managed to alienate the band members from him, and the news is all about how the band broke up because of her possessiveness. Kaitlyn hopes Mike can look down from Heaven and have a nice, smug “I told you so”.

The thing is, she keeps comparing every guy she meets to Mike. She’s well aware that she’s probably making him perfect in her memory, remembering him as much taller, sexier, better-looking and more fun than he really was. But she can’t help it. Maybe because she works with his father every day, Kaitlyn’s having a hard time getting over Mike. If she’s honest, she’s having a hard time wanting to get over Mike.

It’s late on a Tuesday afternoon when the Chief appears in Kaitlyn’s office doorway. She’s never seen the look he has on his face, and she’s instantly concerned about him. When he speaks, though, he’s trying to keep from smiling. And he’s failing. He reminds Kaitlyn of a man who’s just learned he’s about to be a father.

“Listen, I’d like you to knock off early, if you would. There’s something I need you to do for me, and I need you to come over to the apartment.”

“Sure,” she agrees. That’s not such an unusual request, so it’s clearly not what’s making the Chief look so weird. “Now?”

“Now.”

“What am I gonna need?”

“Uh,” the Chief really does look strange, and at this moment he appears to be struggling to wrap his brain around the very routine question. “Your tablet, I guess. Nothing else.”

“You’re the boss.”

They engage in small talk as a driver takes them to Chief Dodds’s apartment. Kaitlyn loves it there. It’s huge by New York City standards, and the Chief has either excellent taste or a very talented decorator. As soon as they walk in, she’s enveloped by the quiet, and the sense of comfortable luxury. It’s maybe a little masculine for her, but it’s beautiful. She knows he has a little bit of family money, and she thinks some of it must have gone toward this place. She’d have done the same.

She’s surprised when he offers her a glass of wine. When she’d first come to work for the Chief, he had offered her drinks, but apologized for not being able to offer her anything alcoholic. He said it was skirting professionalism to work in his apartment anyway, and he made it a rule never to drink in that situation. She agreed completely. But here he was, offering her wine.

“Don’t we have a no-drinking rule?”

The Chief takes a deep breath and begins to uncork the bottle, despite what she’s just said. Vague alarm bells begin to sound. He’s not going to make a pass at her. She knows that for a fact. But something’s going on, and he thinks she needs to have a drink on board to deal with it. Shit.

“We do. But I have some news, and it’s… I hope you’ll trust me on this. I think you’ll need it.”

“OK, now you’re scaring me.”

“It’s actually good news. But it’s not gonna feel that way at first. It’s not gonna feel bad-“ he hastens to add as he sees her tense up, even from across the room. “It’s just gonna be a lot. And confusing, and you’ll probably be pissed, and…” He stops what he’s doing and looks hard at her. “Just trust me.”

“I think I need a drink already, just from the preamble. Just give me the news quickly. Please? I don’t like surprises. You know that.”

“I do. I absolutely do, and I’m sorry. This is gonna be a big one.”

“Chief. Stop. I’m in full-on freak out now. Just tell me.”

He’s holding two very full glasses of red wine as he crosses the room. He hands her one and sits on a chair at an angle to the one she’s sitting in.

“L’chaim,” he says, unknowingly reminding her painfully of the day she’d met Mike and they’d shared that toast over glasses of Dalmore.

“L’chaim,” she echoes, and softly clinks his proffered glass. “Now tell me what the hell’s going on.”

“When that’s half gone,” he says, pointing to her drink.

“Chief-“

“Just trust me.”

“Fuck.” She takes a healthy slug, which is an insult to the excellent Nebbiolo he’s given her. She very rarely drops F-bombs in front of the Chief, and she hopes it lets him know she’s hating every second of this.

He talks a little bit about Mike then, which distracts her a little. They rarely talk about him. Even though they’ve forgiven each other, Mike is still a minefield of a subject between them. It’s a story about Mike as a small boy, and it’s adorable. The Chief’s smiling fondly. It’s nice to see him be able to talk about Mike without the haunted, tortured look he used to have. By the time he’s done with that story, and another about the time Mike worked in a bar in Hell’s Kitchen for a while after returning from the Army, they’re halfway through their glasses of wine. It’s time. Kaitlyn holds her glass up and wiggles it a little.

“Yeah. All right.” The Chief says, squaring his shoulders, then leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. He’s not looking at Kaitlyn. He’s not even really looking at the floor where his eyes are aimed.

“Mike planned to transfer to the Joint Terrorism Task Force at some point. He wanted to be part of the fight to protect the country.”

“You told me that.”

“He didn’t get the chance to do that, exactly.”

“Exactly? Is your news something about Mike?”

Dodds doesn’t answer, just goes on with what he’s saying. “He didn’t get the chance to go to JTTF because Homeland Security came and got him first. They saw their chance and they took it.”

“When was this? You never told me about this.”

“I never told you because it was eleven months ago.”

Kaitlyn blinks and squints, shaking her head to convey that she doesn’t understand.

“Eleven months ago, Kaitlyn. When they told us he died.”

The bottom dropping out of Kaitlyn’s stomach is extremely unpleasant, but not as bad as the hot lightning that begins to burn at her skin. She feels what he was telling her before she thinks it. “When they told us he died…”

“It wasn’t true. He was taken to Bethesda to finish recovering from his gunshot. There was no stroke. But they let us think there was. They let me think there was. And his mother, and his brother…”

Ooh. Clearly, the Chief has some feelings about that. That’s going to be interesting to Kaitlyn when she can get her mind to quit flipping around like an old VHS tape with tracking problems.

“Six months ago, some little douchebag from the State Department came to see me. He told me that my son was alive. He apologized for the pain they’d caused, and had the balls to thank me for my ‘sacrifice’, like I’d been given any fucking choice. He explained that everyone had to grieve normally. It was part of Mike’s ‘legend’, the cover story so no one would identify him. The little prick used enough damned spy buzzwords to choke a horse.”

“Holy… Chief…” Kaitlyn is now three-quarters of the way through her wine, and planning to ask for more.

“Yeah. The only good thing, the only good thing about that meeting was that the little State Department fuck had some kind of secure phone with him, and I got to talk to Mike. Or rather, Mike talked. I cried.”

“Of course you did. Shit,” Kaitlyn whispers.

For a minute, Chief Dodds doesn’t say anything. He watches Kaitlyn try to begin to process the information he’s just given her, and when she drinks the last of her wine, silently goes to the kitchen and refills their glasses. He hands hers, as full as before, to her with an open look on his face. Kaitlyn takes it and slumps against the back of her chair. She drinks for a few more silent moments.

“They let you believe your son was dead. For six months. They let you bury him. Mourn him. Our government did that to you. On purpose.”

“Yeah, but at least they thanked me for my sacrifice,” he spits bitterly. “Apparently, the feds aren’t really big on worrying about individuals. They’re more big picture kind of people. That’s another bit of wisdom I got from the State Department guy.”

“Fuck.”

“But you’re missing the point. Kaitlyn. Mike is alive.”

She looks into his eyes. She has absolutely no idea how to even begin to deal with any of this, except for one thing. The only thing that matters. “Where is he?”

“Here. Not in this apartment, but here in New York.”

“I want to see him.” Suddenly, that is all Kaitlyn wants.

That makes the Chief smile. “He wants to see you.”

She actually sets her glass down on a side table and stands. “Let’s go.”

He laughs quietly. “Finish your drink. I learned that there are guidelines for how to do this. You need some time to ‘process’. Time to ‘adjust’. That’s a quote. There’s a fucking manual for this shit, if you can believe that.”

“Sir, I want to see Mike. I want to see him now.”

“I’m glad to hear it. And you will. Just not tonight.”

#Law & Order SVU #law & order: special victims unit #mike dodds #andy karl #detective sonny carisi #rafael barba #Peter Scanavino #Raul Esparza #mike dodds is alive and well #Sonny's a good bro

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