#my sir is so lucky to use me however he wants isnt he

[sparrowsdinner]

I can't stop fantasizing about being sedated, in that semi conscious state where my mind was all fuzzy and all I could think about was what it would feel like to have your hands on me I want to be played with while I can barely get a thought through my head, the feeling of floating away as you do as you please with me. I am meant to be used.

[teddy-feathers]

gender is scary id rather have a cool rock.

i just wish this wasnt so important to me. that it didnt matter.

i tried to make it not matter.

ive been thinking about this hard for many years growing more confused and upset

because. youre you.

gender isnt a performance. its not an aesthetic.

i cant in good faith say im going to take back the parts of me i struggled to accept- i mean rainbow pastels are super cute and i adore adorable things and im not going to let life make me feel cringey over it again

i cant say ill change at all because im not. deciding to adhere to a different set of gender rules and rolls - hell thats one of the largest reasons i didnt want to deal with this at all

dudes dudettes and everyone on the outside of the ven diagram of idiocy can be and act and represent themself however they want and what they wear or hownthey act can't change that

so it shouldnt matter that in many ways im... girly. just listen to me talk or sing or whatever shit i do that makes me flinch now when i notice

but it does because.... because i was waiting for permission

i didnt realize it but. i didnt feel like i had any right to claim anything

im not a "special snowflake" im just like stupid queer or whatever idk

i laughed at the first person - a guy - who told me he was ace turns out im aro and ace.

i said i didnt care if my soulmate was a guy or a girl or multiple people because thatd be stupid - and then i didnt even NOTICE girls because well im not gay id know... until i dated one.

and then i found out nonbinary and trans folk were a thing.

its not scary to think you might be nonbinary. youre just outside the ven diagram. thats fine. obviously youve got to decide what that means for yourself

but.

i still felt... wrong. and it built and it built and i was afraid because... because me being a guy isnt allowed. im not special. i dont want to be special. and this - thisnis me just jumping onto the train right?

but i started getting angry and hurt and noticing all the time "miss" this and "maam" that.

or

"well im not a smartman" "youre not a man at all tho?"

"pfft well i could wingman for you." "blah blah blah wingWOMAN"

like. i decided. id try the binder thing and i liked it but dont we all like new fashion? new looks...

i decided to start cutting my hair and then... becoming dissatisfied when i looked like a lesbain instead of vaguely dudeish even though yeah im flattered that apparantly id make a cute lesbian? super flattered. its a LOOK and god do those girls look good

i got called sir once at walmart and was ecstatic.

but now i just want to cry. because people know and... i dont know hownto feel or even howni feel because the most i feel is scared which

alrifht i always feel scared about everything especially change

im lucky. i told my coworkers and they didnt even blink and changed pronouns and started calling me Dan.

Im thrilled but

im terrified

i dont take me seriously. how can anyone else? and i. i dont want people to know im trans. im not proud or whatever when i go and look at the cute designs on redbubble the way i am over aro ace stuff. its not funny or safe feeling.

itd be nice if i could just say i wish people wouldnt know by looking - they just saw a guy but its not even that? i sont want people to see me at all and yeah some of thats me just flipping out because... what if im wrong but...

i know. a large part of this is my avpd.

i got a rush

im super psyched i can just go "hey I'm a dude" to some people i know and its chill

but my brain runs on misery - if it sees me happy about something it freaks out and it takes a while for the battleship alarms to stop going off and assume the other horrible shoe is going to drop

but some part of me is wondering still

what if im not a guy

what if im making it all up

what if what if what if

you know?

right now if someone were to come up to me and say no. youre not trans. youre not valid... id probably bare throat.

byt its not validation i want or need. weirdly enough for the first time in my life ive got. plenty of validation its

surety.

confidence.

which. will only come with time. until hearing "sir" or "dan" becomes natural like a broken in shoe and then i can figure out if that was all it was or if the fit wasnt right after all.

its like. the humiliation i feel and have sometimes even now when i wear dresses. like im naked or wearing it wrong ornits very obviously unnatural on me because im very old to still need to learn how to be comfortable in it.

itll come with time but...

i already feel like i want to wear this label.

i just dont want anyone to make a big deal about it when i do... or... second guess myself out of something i want just because im not used to it.

at the end of the day in a coward... ill get over it im just... tired.

i dont want to say im a man. i never have.

but im a dude, a guy. just a person. just me.

i just wish it was more like dying my hair - unremarkable really even if it can be pretty or neat.

because. its not a big deal to me but simultaneously the biggest deal possible and honestly i wish it didnt matter

gender is scary, id rather have a cool rock

[blysssimblr]

A couple of weeks went by after the indecent and Anita and Nasir were almost as if nothing changed. He still stuck to his schedule, was naggy baby daddy, and waited on her hand and foot. However she been trying to figure out how she could accept his proposal in a romantic way since his proposal was anything but, with his wack ass. But that was something to put on the back burner for now.

“So baby.” he adopted calling her along with hella other pet names you can tell he was eager to use, over a light breakfast she had to fight to be able to have since he was, again, so damn naggy.

“Yea?”

“I was thinking, would you want to take maternity pics?”

Putting her spoon down she looked over at him a little shocked, “You know, I haven’t thought of it, I just been so busy it slipped my mind.”

“I mean we don’t have to, but I thought you would want to, ya know.”

“No I actually do! What do you have in mind?”

“Oh shit, I don’t know, we can meet a photographer this weekend if you want and look at our options.”

“Awh baby, I love the idea, plus we gotta plan the gender reveal anyways and we can even use some of the pics from the shoot for the invite!”

“See look at you, just be moving with the ideas!” he said laughing as he continued to drink his protein shake.

“I’ll look some photographers up in the area and we can go from there. I can even ask Selena for some advice since she just went through the interview process of hella photographers for her wedding.”

“Coo, and why we on the subject of things we need to look into, we got like less then 3 months to either find us somewhere else to move or renew this lease. Do you know what you wanna do yet?”

“Actually,” she started as Nasir told Monty to sit down and eat and pointing to her food giving her a silent command to making her laugh. 

“ACTUALLY! I was gonna suggest we get to looking Saturday, you think we can do that and look up photographers?”

“I think so, what all are we looking for? You want something big like your last one of like this?”

“Well yes and no, I don’t want an upstairs.”

“Really?!”

“Like don’t get me wrong a finished basement maybe, but walking up and down the stairs with a baby is hard and with three plus a toddler, I just don’t want the hassle.”

“Well that make sense, so single story, back yard obviously.”

“A garage, it needs to be between Monty daycare and my job or the whole move was pointless.”

“Agreed.” he said as he looked up at the time and chugging the rest of his protein shake. “Alright we will continue this later, we need to get a move on and you need to head to work for that morning meeting.”

“Yes sir!” she said rolling her eyes trying to take baby bites of her food.

“Nah, you eat all of it or i’ll bring it to you at ya job.” he said as he cleaned Monty face and headed out the kitchen to make sure everyone was ready to go.

“FINE!” she screamed after him as she finished everything, rolling her eyes, naggy ass baby daddy!

Hours Later

“So your going to accept his proposal, but you haven’t accepted his proposal cause you don’t know how.”

“Yes! What do I do?!”

“Anita, what?”

“Look just wait till he come to bed, suck his dick, ask him who is his daddy, and when he confused or laughing starting calling him fiance or some shit.”

Cackling with Selena while Jamie looked like he was so serious, which made them laugh harder, as they waited in line during lunch at their fav food truck spot.

“Look his birthday coming up, and when it does I wanna take him out of town as his fiance.”

“Girl how ya’ll going out of town with a whole ass mini soccer team in ya guts?!” Selena hollered earning her a couple of stares which made it funnier cause she gave no fucks about looks.

“Girl bye! You know Anita ass gonna drop her, her coonchi, and all that belly on that nigga dick!” Jamie said while he hollered in laughter as everyone laughed with him as they slowly moved through the line.

“What you tryna do for his birthday anyways?” Selena asked.

“Well he went all out on mine; hotel, nicki concert, clubbing, PAWPIN ass sex that lead to triplets. ” she said laughing with them.

“What does he like?”

“Dicking me down and nagging me?”

“Bitch! This why you pregnant now!”

“But why are you yelling at a pregnant lady?!”

“Oh shut up!” they both screamed as they all laughed again like they always did.

Finally getting the front of the line to order as they made their way to their seats.

“Oh that reminds me, Lele, you just had damn near the whole cities best photographers begging to be in your wedding, have any recommendations for me, Nasir pointed out this morning that we should do a maternity shoot.”

“Oh actually I can look through my wedding folder when I get back to the office and send you some of the really professional companies.”

“Oh I would love that! I want it to be as cute as Monty’s was!”

“Oh how is Aunty and Uncle suga? I just bought him something the other day I keep forgetting to bring to work and give you.”

“Well I didn’t buy him anything, but I do wonder how he is.”

“Well he is fine, a little fussy but I think he just knows he not going to be the only child for much longer. And stop buying him stuff Le! You have a whole ass wedding to pay for!”

“Okay? You say that like both our parents aren’t tryna out spend each other since both their little girls are getting married.”

“Must be nice to be rich.” Jamie joked as he played over his donuts.

“Must be.” Anita joined in as Selena rolled her eyes and threw a piece of lettuces at both of them as they all laughed again.

“But forreal Anita, you better be glad my dad tryna find us a bigger venue or you would be forced to be hella swollen in that bridesmaids dress.” she said poking Anita in her titty. “And you to Mr. Donuts and coffee, I will put you in a dress if your shirt and vest isnt fitted!”

“Wohh now! Don’t do all the other bridesmaids like that, they not tryna be out slayed!” he said flicking his wrist at both of them making them roll they eyes.

“Oh and my gender reveal is coming up soon, lucky ya’ll, you won’t be swollen there and no need to wear a fitted vest Sir Snack Em’s.”

“Oh joy!” he said as he stuffed his face ignoring our extras. 

“So a maternity shoot, moving, gender reveal and baby daddy birthday you busy bitch! What are you doing about that anyways?”

“Oh baby daddies birthday weekend actually already planned and paid for.”

“Oh do tell!” Jamie exclaimed ready for all the juicy details. 

“Well.....................................”