#my septum is still technically a week or so out from being ok for a clicker

[kagxme]

all of piercings will be out of their initial healing period tomorrow :3

[bachelorbro-blog1]

Season 21 -- Week 1

So, I’m just going to dive right in and start on this journey. Strap in?

I know Nick is an incredibly controversial choice because he’s already been on the show 3 times before this and he hasn't found love, so why should we even give him a chance? Well, everyone deserves love, I guess...but beyond that, Nick is a genuinely interesting person. Even the Chad Bear thinks so! I’m glad that he didn't end up with anyone on Bachelor in Paradise because I think we all knew he wasn't going to be happy with anyone he found there.

So, we see Nick having a really scripted conversation with some of the past Bachelors and they give him advice about what the process is going to be like, which is kind of weird seeing as he’s been on the other side of it twice and has kind of been on their side of it already since everyone is in charge on Bachelor in Paradise (sort of?).

We see all of Nick’s past failed relationships and we learn more about him and his life. We’re reintroduced to his little sister Bella who gives him some really solid advice. Like, make eye contact and stop mumbling. You aren't a 14 year old boy on his first date, dude.

Anyway, onto the girls and my first impressions of them (because who cares what Nick thinks about them, right?)

The first girl out of the limo is Danielle L. She doesn't have a gimmick, which is interesting because I feel like it’s almost a requirement for people to have some sort of shtick now? Anyway, she’s cool. We’ll see what happens.

Next is Elizabeth. She sounds like a former cheerleader and basically says the exact same thing that Danielle L said to him so...whatever. Again, we’ll see.

Out comes Rachel. I immediately love her because she has a super bright smile and she walks really confidently. She makes a corny joke, but she doesn't make any mention of being nervous like the two girls before her did so at least we know that she's on her own team.

Next is Christen, who looks exactly like one of my friends from college (I had to rewind to make sure it wasn't her). She’s a wedding videographer and calls him a celebrity, so she’s got a lot going on already. I’m shadily hoping she has a meltdown somewhere in the middle of the show because I feel like if anyone’s going to smash a wine glass on a table and storm out of a room crying, it’s going to be her (and I really want to see that).

Taylor shows up next. She laughs the second she sees him and then tells him that all of her friends hate him! I’m obsessed with her. I hope she gets to the hometown visit stage at least because I want to see him get the cold shoulder from all of her friends at brunch.

Then we meet Kristina, a dental hygienist with an unplaceable accent from Kentucky. I have no strong opinions about her. I just want to know where the accent came from. Please.

Next is Angela, a model who tells him to “scoop” her up later and that’s all of the information we get about her. They keep cutting away to Danielle L. talking about Nick which makes me think that Angela is going home real fast. Sorry, girl!

Out comes Lauren, who immediately decides that their couple name is “Disgusting Slut.” I don't care about her, but I appreciate the joke.

Food truck owner Michelle (we don't get to find out what kind of food truck it is?) comes out of the limo next and says that she’s “heard” that his “past relationships have been lemons.” Girl, we all have. They were broadcast on national television. I would be more surprised if you knew nothing about him. Next!

Dominique, the trillionth girl to show up in a red dress, is upper case E X C I T E D to be there (and to be sent home early on in the competition because she doesn't even get to say her name).

Ida Marie, a girl with two first names, shows up in a dress that has two pieces because clearly she likes everything to be in pairs. I would send her home immediately just because I wouldn't want to have to call her by her full first name every time I was introducing her to someone. That's a mouthful. Plus she asked him to do a trust fall with her. Imagine if he had dropped her. IMAGINE. I do like her dress though. Props to Ida Marie.

Olivia, who wants an eskimo kiss, enters in a huge fur coat (I really hope it’s fake). Then she hands him the coat?

In runs Sarah (literally). She runs. Because he was a runner up. So she wanted to be a runner up too. Not a great start, my friend. She forgets to introduce herself. Things aren't looking good for Sarah.

Jasmine G. (meaning there’s going to be another Jasmine?) brings Nick a tray of rings. Jasmine is IN IT TO WIN IT. Damn. Tell him what you want, girl!

Hailey is wearing a red dress! Surprise! Everyone is wearing a red dress! Who would have thought? She mentions that she’s not wearing underwear. That’s a power move.

Next up is Astrid, who speaks German and likes to show off. Nick doesn't speak German so it’s fun to watch him smile uncomfortably at her while she tells him that her boobs are real. She isn't wearing a red dress, which is a relief.

Here comes Liz, who already had sex with Nick. Something tells me she’s going to tell everyone. Nick gives her a weird look when she leaves. Of course he remembers you, Liz. How could he not? It hasn't even been a year since you first met. Do you really think he's that dumb?

Corinne is next. I’m scared of Corinne. Really scared. She gives him a hug token, but I wouldn't be surprised if she takes a bite out of his cheek during that hug.

Vanessa speaks French. Astrid already spoke a different language so you’re going to have to find something else to do, Vanessa. I did love her back story though. Am I Team Vanessa already?

Wait no, I lied. Danielle M. shows up. I love Danielle M. She’s technically wearing a red dress, but it’s a different shade of red than everyone else which makes her special. Plus she gives him a homemade gift. I can already see them making breakfast together during the hometown visit. Team Danielle M.

Raven yells about pigs. Fine.

Next comes Jaimi. This is the first time I’ve ever seen that name spelled with an I at the end of it, so does that make her interesting? I don't know. She tells him that she has balls, which means she has a septum piercing and wants to make herself sound more interesting. Corinne isn't into it.

Briana asks Nick if she can listen to his heart because she's a nurse, but then she asks him to take his shirt off so we’ve gone from decently cute to decently steamy in the span of three seconds. Good work, Briana.

Susannah, whose name doesn't show up immediately, gives Nick a beard massage, which is something I didn't know could happen. Then she tells him to expect more. What a weird promise.

Josephine is kind of a whack job. I can tell right away. But she's a whack job in a good way. She makes him eat an uncooked hot dog, but because she’s a nurse she can save him if he chokes on it. Well played, Josephine.

The ladies finally realize that everyone is wearing red. Really? Just now?

Ok, onto Brittany, who gives Nick a prostate exam...? Bold move.

Here’s the other Jasmine we’ve all been waiting for: Jasmine B. She's wearing a red dress. Other Jasmine (Jasmine G.) wore green because clearly she's the alpha Jasmine.

Whitney literally doesn't get to say anything. This does not bode well for her.

So...a camel shows up. Lacey is riding the camel if that wasn't clear. The camel is not a contestant (even though I would watch the shit out of that show). She makes some joke about humping and the other women are flabbergasted that she could be so forward. Ok.

SHARK ATTACK! Alexis is my favorite. I cannot believe she showed up in a shark costume and I really can't believe that she thinks it’s a dolphin costume (except I can actually believe both of those things because this is reality television and those kinds of things happen all the time).

Ok, so now we’ve met all of the girls. I have my picks and we'll see if they match up with Nick’s.

All of the ladies are waiting for Nick to come in and talk to them. Some are talking about how cute Nick is, others are talking about how ready they are to get married. Most are talking about Alexis’ shark costume.

Nick talks to Rachel first. She's smart and interesting and practices law. I knew I loved her. Go Rachel, go!

Christen dances with Nick, Raven asks for personal information, and then Chris shows up with the first impression rose, which is the most important rose in the whole world. Girls will rip each other’s hair out to receive this rose. Corinne will literally eat Alexis to get this rose. Corinne would probably eat someone for looking at her funny. 

Corinne straight up gives Nick a bag full of tokens. One of those tokens probably says, “Choose me or I’ll snap your neck.” 

Vanessa was submitted by a friend. So was Nick. She wants Nick to kiss her, but we all know Corinne would rather rip his lips right off of his face than see anyone else kiss him. Surprise, Corinne is back! She’s going to kiss him! Are we surprised? We have our female Chad, ladies and gentlemen.

Jasmine G. does not like Corinne. No one likes Corinne. 

Kristina shows up again for some reason, but we still don't get any information on her accent. What’s up with that? We just want to know what’s happening.

Jasmine G. is the first girl to cry. I didn't expect that at all. 

We’re still on the subject of Alexis’ costume. Is she a shark or a dolphin? Doesn't matter. She’s amazing. Some drunk girl calls her her “spirit animal.” Ok. Corinne tries to say Alexis is probably wearing it to hide her bad body. Nice try, girl. We all know she'd win in a fight against you. 

Nick finally talks to Alexis. He is not convinced that she’s a dolphin. Either way, I love her. She went in the pool in a shark costume. He tells her that if she takes the costume off she's going home, which means that she’s staying. That’s good news.

Liz talks about Jade and Tanner’s wedding again. She thinks she’s a woman of mystery. He straight up calls her on her bullshit and she gets really uncomfortable and it’s my favorite thing that’s happened all night. The only thing that could top this moment would be the Jasmines battling to see who would reign supreme and who would be going home without a rose. 

Corinne is convinced she’s going to get the first impression rose. It’s going to Danielle M. or Rachel because they actually had good conversations with him and they didn't shove their tongues down his throat. Nice try, Corinne. Maybe eat a raw sweet potato with your bare hands or something next time. 

Rachel gets the rose. No one is surprised. Good for her. Three cheers for Rachel!

It’s finally time for Nick to send some of these red dresses packing. I’m fairly sure I know who’s going home, but I’ll give them all the benefit of the doubt because maybe they had really good conversations off camera or something.

Kristina is crying (with an accent). Everyone is talking about making decisions in such a short time. It’s all about first impressions, ladies. This show has been on for 21 seasons now. How are you not aware of that?

Time for roses!

The first rose goes to Vanessa. No surprise there. She’s going to make it to the end.

Danielle L. gets the next rose. I still have no strong opinions about her. 

Christen gets the next rose, which is surprising. I knew she’d get one, but not this early on.

The fourth rose goes to Astrid, while Corinne freaks out.

Then Corinne gets a rose because this season needs a villain.

Kristina continues to cry while Elizabeth W., Jasmine G., and Raven get roses.

Then Kristina gets a rose and she stops crying.

Danielle M. finally gets a rose (even though she should have been the first person to get a rose).

Sarah gets a rose. I don't remember who Sarah is.

Josephine gets a rose because we need a fun gal this season, too.

Lacey the camel girl gets a rose while Hailey bad mouths Alexis. 

Taylor gets a rose because we need someone to counsel Corinne when she goes off the deep end and starts throwing furniture at the other contestants. 

Alexis gets a rose! Alexis gets a rose! She is still sure that she’s a dolphin.

Hailey, who isn't wearing panties, gets a rose. She’s relieved that she doesn't have to put her panties back on and hug the shark goodbye.

Whitney gets a rose. We still know nothing about Whitney. 

Dominique gets a rose while Liz worries that sex at Jade and Tanner’s wedding won't be enough to save her.

Jaimi gets a rose. Nick wants to see more of her balls.

Brittany gets a rose. Was she the one who gave him a prostate exam?

The final rose goes to Liz because this is reality television.

This means that the girls who didn't get roses are Briana, Susannah, Olivia, Jasmine B., Ida Marie, Angela, Michelle, and Lauren. They all put on brave faces as they leave the mansion, but some cry once they get outside. Part of me wants to hug them and tell them it’s all going to be ok, while another part of me wants to remind them that they signed up to be on a reality television show and knew that this was a very real possibility.

Liz reminds the audience that she’s already had sex with Nick. Where? At Jade and Tanner’s wedding! If I had a dollar for every time she mentioned that I would be able to buy the mansion and make Luke the Bachelor (because he's the Bachelor we deserved, people.)

That’s it for this week.

My top 5:

1. Danielle M.

2. Vanessa

3. Rachel

4. Taylor

5. Alexis