#my school pushes us to persue things that interest us but the second it's something out of the norm it's a problem

[illdothehotvoice]

Okay I'm in a better mood about all of it now lmfao sdhjgkndfh thanks for listening to my rants dshgjkfdh

[i-went-to-a-cuddle-party-once]

Jackie

Summary: Gil has feelings. This poor man.

Warnings: angst, mentions of declining health, spouse death.

A/N: It has been an age since I publicly posted anything I've written but this idea was clanging around in my head and I had to get it out.

He wasn't used to it. Coming home to an empty house. Even after all this time he still half expected the smell of a homecooked meal or something from the Indian place down the street they liked when he unlocked the door. Almost saw her half smile, half grimace, complaining that he was late again. Almost felt the brush of her lips against his when she inevitably forgave him and told him how glad she was to have him home safe. But the house was dark and she only existed in his memories and the pictures hung on the walls.

He took out a plate of leftovers and microwaved them. Hung his coat. Set his shoes in the closet. Most people said it was the quiet that bothered them but that wasn't it. They had plenty of quiet moments between them. When they drank their morning coffee together. When she worked on her crossword puzzles and he went through a new casefile. And near the end when she was too sick to speak through the fog of pain and they sat holding hands.

The beep of the microwave brought him back to the moment. He ate his meal without tasting it.

What he really missed was the friendship. Someone to bounce ideas off of. Someone to laugh with. Someone it was easy to be around. They had been friends long before they dated. It was the key to a sturdy marriage, she would say. They were friends first and everything else second.

They had always talked about having kids but it never felt like the right time. They were concentrated on their careers and each other. And then after one terrible night a broken, solemn boy became his shadow. After a few months they both realized that they, and he, weren't going anywhere. Their lives intertwined. And she loved Malcolm. Yes, he had his own mother but Jessica Whitley had never been known for her comforting presence and she was going through the trauma in her own way. She did everything she could to help that solemn boy flourish. Driving him to therapy. Pushing him to persue his interest. Standing proudly and clapping louder than anyone when he recieved his high school and then college diploma.

He showered before bed, towled off, put on his pyjamas, and said a prayer. Neither of them had been religious but he closed his eyes and prayed to her hoping that somewhere in this universe she could hear his words. He told her about his day. Complained about bureaucracy and paperwork. About the song he'd heard on the radio that she'd love. About his team. J.T. was overlooked for another promotion. Dani was too hard on herself, not realizing how good she was at her work. Malcolm was too much like him, too obsessed and never spending enough time with the people that cared about him.

He sighed deeply. He would never admit it to Malcolm but there were days where the next case, the next murder, was the only thing that made him feel normal. The only thing that forced him to get up and be part of society.

His breaths deepened and the night took him with her name still on his lips.

[overly-analogical]

When I was very very young I watched Dora the Explora. I have ever since been fascinated by languages and wanted to learn them. I plan to go to college for spanish.

My dad is the kind of nerd who loves Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. We watched them when I was probably too young to understand. I didn’t understand most of Star Wars but Leia was strong and a leader and she had a gun and she was a girl like me and so was Eowyn and she killed the Nazgul king. Me and my brother played Jedis and pilots and rebels and hobbits.

When I started learning to read I had a lot of trouble. I believe I have dyslexia, but my school refused to let me test. My teachers thought I had it, and they couldn’t read my papers, and I was behind my class in reading, but my grades were too high to have dyslexia. My parents started reading Harry Potter to us. Then they stopped and told us they’d read more if we each read a page. I loved the book to much to stop so I pushed through. I grew to love books as much as Hermione did. I excelled at everything in school after that. We read many more together after but these were the first and by far most important.

Avatar the last Airbender got on Netflix once. Me and my brother watched it five times. We played water benders when we went to pools.

At a book fair sometime I found this book called Darth Paper Strikes Back. It had instructions for origami inside, that’s why I wanted it. I still read it though. The main characters were odd. One in parucular, Dwight, was genuinely weird. He was actually a bit rude sometimes and he had this finger puppet and he made people talk to it. But he also helped people, a lot of people, and he made a real difference in the lives of his friends. This was a whole series of books called The Strange Case of Origami Yoda and i started on the second one. I read all of them. At the time I did not have a lot of friends and seeing these characters who were definitely a bit odd like me got me through that. It taught me that kindness and doing your best to help is much more important than what others think. I also learned how to fold origami finger puppets of Yoda and Darth Vader.

My family watched Doctor Who all together. We started with the ninth doctor when it went on Netflix. Me my dad my mom and my brother would all watch it together and we’d do badly done impressions of British accents and we ate popcorn and laughed together. We still do this when it’s not on hiatus.

Middle school was not good. My friends had begun developing crushes on boys. I’m asexual and either aromantic or lesbian. At the time I wasn’t aware of this and I was very confused as to why everyone else was behaving like that. At first I thought they were making things up. Then I realized they really weren’t and thought “maybe there’s something wrong with me”. Then I started watching BBC Sherlock. Sherlock was smart, and cool, and told John he was “married to my work” and not interested in romance. He never dated anyone. I thought to myself if this guy doesn’t have to like girls then I don’t have to like boys. I decided there wasn’t something wrong with me I was just like superior to everyone or something. Sentiment is a chemical defect found in the losing side. This was horrible. It was a really bad coping mechanism and it fucked me over long term in regards to the way I think about my orientation. But that’s the only thing I had to help me cope and understand myself.

At the start of ninth grade a friend introduced me to supernatural. I loved supernatural. Obsessed over it. Finished nine seasons in a month. Then that same friend introduced me to wattpad dot com and fandom. I found all these books about supernatural and then superwholock and it was so cool and it was free and all these people on there just automatically considered me like a friend. Then I wrote a fanfiction. It wasn’t especially good, but I wrote it and people liked it and honestly I got some self confidence for the first time in six years and it was good.

Superwholock boarding school AU, was a different book I found on wattpad for con. It was beautifully written and the first thing I ever read with gay characters in it in fifteen years of life. Oh and there was an asexual lesbian. That was the first time I read the word asexual and then I looked it up and then I looked up sexual attraction and for the first time in my life I considered that i might not be straight. I’m asexual. I’m also either lesbian or aromantic. I expect I’ll figure out which one eventually but I’m working through a lot of internalized shit from my Christian upbringing, Sherlock phase, desire to have a romantic partner of some kind, and a fear of actually persuing said romantic partner.

The flash isn’t a very good show. It kind of sucks. But I watch it with my brother and it’s one of the few things we still do together and because of that I’ll always love it.

Sanders Sides is a series I watch now on YouTube. It’s about learning about yourself, accepting yourself, and loving yourself; even the parts of you that make your life more difficult. It’s positive, it’s encouraging to all genders and sexualities. It contains the messages I need right now really and it has the best fandom I’ve ever had the pleasure to be a part of.

These stories, and many others, are important. They got me as far as I am in life. They’re fiction but they’re not just that. They’re memories of my childhood, my family, and the journey I’ve taken thus far. Theyre more than stories, they are, each and every one of them, pieces of me and my life. I wouldn’t be who I am without them.