#my routines fell apart last term when i got stressed and had my period

[aloyssobek]

oh boy i think i've given myself an existential crisis

[stephhannes]

one year.

“I realize as I write this that I do not want to finish this account.

Nor did I want to finish the year.

The craziness is receding but no clarity is taking its place.

I look for resolution and find none.

I did not want to finish the year because I know that as the days pass, as January becomes February and February becomes summer, certain things will happen. My image of John at the instant of his death will become less immediate, less raw. It will become something that happened in another year. My sense of John himself, John alive, will become more remote, even “mudgy,” softened, transmuted into whatever best serves my life without him. In fact this is already beginning to happen. All year I have been keeping time by last year’s calendar: what were we doing on this day last year, where did we have dinner, is it the day a year ago we flew to Honolulu after Quintana’s wedding, is it the day a year ago we flew back from Paris, is it the day. I realized today for the first time that my memory of this day a year ago is a memory that does not involve John. This day a year ago was December 31, 2003. John did not see this day a year ago. John was dead.”

—Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

this day a year ago was august 4th, 2018. nathan did not see this day a year ago. nathan was dead. 

it doesn’t feel like it’s already been one year without nathan. it feels like just yesterday we were in philly together. 

the more i think about the last day we spent together, the more i feel like i was a make-a-wish child getting a trip to disneyworld. the last day we spent together was what i would consider to be a dream day in terms of what my favorite days with nathan looked like. 

any day that we actually spent time together after he got off work was a dream day. once he started work, we were still trying to get into a routine, so for the first few weeks, we really didn’t see each other that much. he would get home from work at 4, go to the gym, eat dinner, hang out by himself for a little bit and then come to bed- where we’d usually talk for 30 minutes before he fell asleep. for that period of time, those 30 minutes were basically all of the real quality time we’d get together. but finally, we settled into a routine that allowed for more time together. 

the week before nathan died, i was out of town pretty consistently. i was in stewartstown from july 27th to the 31st, and then i went to new york on the 1st & 2nd of august. i got home late on the 2nd, nathan picked me up from the bus stop, and we immediately came home and went to bed. 

on august 3rd, nathan got to work from home for most of the day. i ran errands most of the morning and afternoon. i got home and he got done with work at basically the same time. he went to the gym, and i started cooking dinner. for some reason, this was the day that i was finally getting my life together after having a month-long nervous breakdown. i had gone to the grocery store earlier in the day and got things to cook something other than a “depression meal.” i’d also gone to the library, so i spent a lot of time that evening reading while sitting next to nathan as he was on the computer and eating dinner. 

we took a shower and then got into bed relatively early that night. i finished my book around 9:30 and we sat in bed and talked for a little bit. and then he fell asleep. i was on my laptop next to him for a little bit. the last time i touched him while he was alive was when i leaned over and kissed his shoulder when i noticed he was asleep next to me.

he was kinda half awake half asleep, and around 11 i was finally ready for bed. so i closed my laptop, and walked around the bed and closed his laptop for him, sat it down on the floor, and then went to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. 

and that’s when it happened.

it all happened so quickly. i thought he was just sick. i didn’t realize he was dying. and then he stopped breathing. and i called 911. and he was dead. and they tried to revive him. and he was dead. and i couldn’t get in contact with anyone. and he was dead. and they took him to the hospital, and i followed behind the ambulance. and i got to the hospital and i waited in line at the ER because that’s what you’re supposed to do in the ER. and they told me they had no record of him. and i knew that meant that he was dead. and they told me to wait. and i waited. and tried to call people. i was so scared and so alone. and i sat in that waiting room on the phone with cody and i told her everything that had just happened and i wasn’t crying yet. not yet. 

and finally they took me to a consultation room. and finally a doctor told me that he was dead. 

and they let me see him. and i sat next to him for 30 minutes. the time they put on his death certificate as the time of death was actually a time when i was sitting in that room. i knew he had been dead for a couple of hours at that point. but bureaucracy runs slowly. he was dead at 11:08pm on august 3rd, but according to the certificate it was 1 something on the 4th. at 1 something i was crying in a chair next to his hospital bed, i was crying because they wouldn’t let me touch him. all i wanted to do was hold his hand.  

i finally left the hospital at 2am. 

i got home shortly after.

our apartment had never felt more empty, and just six weeks beforehand we hadn’t moved any furniture in yet. 

i walked in and every single light was on. earlier that night nathan had literally gotten on to me about my habit of leaving lights on. our bedroom was a still-life of what had happened a few hours before. one of our grey towels was on the floor, where they had laid him down to do cpr. the blankets were all on the floor, where they’d been thrown off when nathan collapsed out of bed. the fan was still running, laying on the bed, where i’d put it after nathan knocked it down on top of himself when he fell. 

i cleaned up the vomit. i picked up all of the scattered plastic that littered our rug from everything the paramedics had unwrapped. i grabbed one of nathan’s t-shirts that i knew smelled like him. i crawled into bed. i didn’t sleep.

no one else knew that nathan was dead until august 4th. just like every other big event in our relationship, there was a period of time where it was just ours. when we started dating, we didn’t tell anyone for a couple of days because we wanted to have it to ourselves for a little bit, and when we got engaged we waited a day to tell everyone because we wanted to keep it just for us for a few hours. and even when he died, it was just ours for a couple of hours.

i didn’t sleep for two days after nathan died. 

i haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep since nathan died. 

i still remember the first thing i ate after nathan died. on august 7th i ate one biscoff cookie, the ones they give you on american airlines flights. i was flying back to texas and was so weak that i had to eat something. i remember forcing myself to eat again a few days later. i wasn’t even hungry, but i knew that i had to eat something. 

+++

one of the very first things i did after nathan died was write a eulogy. i never intended on actually verbalizing it, i just had a lot of feelings that i wanted to write down. i sat and wrote it when i came home that morning after the hospital, and a very un-edited version of it ended up being what i read at his funeral. 

i thought that maybe this one year post would be as effortless to write, but it’s been hard trying to decide what i think is the most important thing to say. 

i wish that i could sit here and say that i’m doing great and i’m coping well, but that’s just not the case. i still miss nathan so much every single day. i still wake up every morning weighed down by such an insane amount of guilt that i’m the one that gets to wake up every morning instead of him. 

i think a lot about the time that nathan told me that i’ve “never needed him for anything,” and how i also believed that to an extent for a long time. i’ve been such an independent person for my entire life, and when nathan and i got together, i relinquished a lot of that independence- even if it didn’t really seem like it to either of us. now that he’s gone, i can’t help but notice this gaping hole in my life. i’m really realizing how much i did rely on him, mostly for emotional support. the hardest part about losing nathan is knowing that the one person who knows how to make me feel better is him, and now there’s no one that gets me like he did. 

one time when nathan and i were apart for a few weeks, he said “i just haven’t learned how to get by without you yet,” to me, and that’s exactly how i feel. i just don’t know how to get by without him yet. 

i still haven’t learned how to cook for just one person. every night when i come home from work, i feel this weird emptiness because i don’t have anyone to tell about my day. i get that i’m 24 years old and i should know how to self-soothe at this point but it’s been hard not having anyone to talk me down from my weird breakdowns at 3am. and it’s been hard not having someone to force me to get out of bed on my days off. i still can’t fathom my life without nathan in it, because he’s so intwined in how i exist from day-to-day. 

i still don’t know who i am without nathan. it feels like such a huge part of my identity revolved around him for more than half of my life. i’ve been having a hard time finding a purpose. when i was in high school, everything i did circled around taking care of nathan, being there for him when he was upset or stressed. when we started dating, it was the same thing. all the decisions i made for myself revolved around how i could best support nathan. now that i’m out here actually making decisions for myself and myself only, i don’t know what i want. nathan was the artist and the scientist and the athlete and i was the loyal sidekick. it feels weird to have my own identity now. to be more than the puppy at nathan’s feet. 

+++

i always think of this line from the letter nathan wrote me right before he moved to nyc- “It doesn’t feel fair at all that we could somehow find the one person in the universe that we truly want to be with, only to have to be separated again.” it still feels so unfair that we’re separated again. i still can’t believe that this is my life now. i can’t believe that i have to do this for the rest of my life. 

+++

the question i get the most now is “so what brought you to austin from new york?” and i’ve stopped doing that thing where i try to skirt around the truth. i tell the story the exact same way every time. “after i graduated from UT, i moved to new york because my fiancé was finishing up his master’s at columbia. when he graduated we moved to philly because that was where he got a job. then he died. now i’m here.” but even that story still doesn’t cover the entire last year of my life. 

when people ask what i did for the last year, i usually just say “i was on sabbatical.” i’m thankful that i got the opportunity to spend the last year doing whatever i wanted to do. for the first time in my life, i had a little bit of freedom. for the first time, i was able to travel and see my friends that i hadn’t seen in years, and go back home to nyc, and be there without worrying about if i was going to starve or be able to afford rent. i was able to lay in bed for like 6 months without the pressure of having to get a job. 

there are some days where i feel like i’ve made no progress. but i have to remember that i spent the first few months after nathan died literally thinking i was going to die from being so sad. 

i still cry a lot, but at least i feel like a human again. i’ll never forget how awful i felt after nathan died. 

for awhile, i thought i was going to get out of this without any sort of lasting ptsd or trauma, but boy was i wrong! lately i’ve found myself with more anxiety than i’ve ever had before. i’ve been having these consistent nightmares of everyone that i care about dying, and even in my waking life i’ve started having a lot of anxiety over the concept that “oh, everyone i know is going to die and knowing my luck it’s all going to happen very soon.” i’ve gotten more obsessive over small things- i’ve been having a hard time coming to terms with my lack of control. until nathan died, i felt relatively in control of everything in my life, but i lost so much control when nathan died and now i’ve just realized that i have no grasp on anything and it’s been a lot to cope with. 

anyways hopefully i’ll get a job with health insurance soon so i can go to therapy but until then i guess i’ll just be crazy, whatever. 

+++

i spend a lot of time thinking about what this year would have looked like if nathan hadn’t died. we would have been married by now. we would probably have a dog (or at least 2 cats) by now. we would probably be packing up to move a little further into the suburbs. we would have survived our first PA winter, i’m sure it would have been 3 months of him not letting me turn the heater on. i would have been even more in love with his dumb face than i already was. 

this last year wasn’t how i imagined it would be, but it was better than it could have been. i’m thankful for everyone that’s let me sleep on their couch, and everyone that’s checked in on me periodically, and everyone that’s spent time with me over the last year. i’m thankful for the new relationships i’ve built with people from nathan’s life that have now come into mine. part of the reason that i was so excited to marry nathan was an excitement for finally being a part of a family- and when he died i was so afraid that i was going to lose all of that. i’m glad that hasn’t been the case. 

from what i’ve read, the general consensus seems to be that the 2nd year is the hardest as a widow. so uhhhhh cool, can’t wait. 

[kettlewrites]

teacher!woozi

he looks so hot in that gif i cry plus this is the first time i’ve ever done something like this please don’t hate me i can’t write fduvobfiu pls

okay let’s begin

so Jihoon is the talk of the town- well school- as everyone is getting into the new school year

“did u hear about the new choir teacher ???? i heard that his old students called him the spawn of satan”

“spawn of satan??? i think that’s a bit much.”

oM G it’ S hI m R u N

okay okay i’ll stop

he’s the new choir, music theory and piano teacher. the dudeo is a little music prodigy.

he transferred from a school across town bc he was tired of being in the same place for so long, plus his friends worked here too!!

literature teacher wonu, orchestra teacher joshua, and intro to dance teacher soonyoung recommended Jihoon to the principal and with his track record he was s E T

so, first day of school when the students piled into his, not decorated at all, choir room they were sh 0o k.

“is he the TA?” “why he is so smol???” “are you sure that’s a teacher??” “jENNI F E R shU T uP thAT i S toTal LY a StudEn T” “we’re in women’s choir right now kim.”

he greets the class, somewhat coldly “i’m your new teacher. okay let’s get started with warm ups”

everyone does not take him seriously, bc literally it’s a bunch of immature high schoolers who would take someone so smol and adorable very seriously then one day------ mr. lee (jihoon) had eNOU GH

“Mr. Lee where are our chairs?” “ *smiles* until you guys give me the respect, i have taken your chairs away. now warms up-” yes. he does this to every class, even his piano students and they are c r y i n g

after a good week, they respect him. they fear him, he made a student cry (accidentally) by making the entire choir stop singing to talk about how being off tune will bring down the entire score at competition (he wasn’t even singling the person out)

“okay, competition is in 3 weeks today guys. i know it’s difficult but we’ve gone over this part so many times now, so whoever is off tune please realize your mistakes and fix that so we don’t get points taken off for something so simple fixed.” *kim runs out of the room crying* “jennifer please go take care of that”

somehow from then to the end of the school year no one ever sings a cent off tune ever again

so! how do you get into this mess ? M U S IC AL SE A SON B E GINS

you, the also new and surprisingly loved advanced acting teacher, is casting the school year’s musical alongside V E RY loved dance teacher mr. kwon

auditions didn’t go as well as you were planning, the acting was amazing as you expected from your students so was the dancing... but the vocal talent was l a ck ing. so who do you go to ? obviously!! you don’t go anywhere because you were terrified of going to talk to jihoon who you had a crush on since the first day of teacher camp over the summer wait what hu H

soonyoung was like “we need to do something about this y/n, why don’t we ask jihoon? we could talk to him, i’ve been friends since high school”

your heart does a leap in your chest, we talk? ! ? but you wanted to win the high school musical competition (you’ve done it multiple years in a row at your old school, you were determined to do it here as well)

so push comes to shove, you were in the bare choir room that was empty aside from the classical music playing through a speaker somewhere in the room

you took a deep breath in and knocked on the door frame, since the door was open but he had his back turned towards you. once he heard your knock the (tenth) third time, he spun around in his spinny chair and almost fell out bc did an angel just walk into the room omg

“yes?”

“you’re jihoon right? uh soonyoung sent me bc we need help with the musical”

“tell soonyoung to go fu- you said we?”

“yeah, i’m directing and he’s choreographing and w e need help with the vocals, our actors aren’t up to par of where we need them.”

usually jihoon would tell the person to go away, bc he isn’t some charity to give help to whoever asks, but for some reason he !! just !! couldn’t !! say !! no !! to !! you !! (curse you soonyoung for sending a literal angel his way) so as he was trying to say he had no time to- somehow a yeah sure when do you want me to train them came out of his mouth.

and that’s how a friendship between you two blossomed ( even tho you two strictly told your friends and students who were super nosy that it was just a friendship everyone is like ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) “sure miss. y/l/n. sure it is”

and it was !!! for the most part bc you two could not come to terms with each of your own feelings

then when tech week came you were S T R E S S E D bc

 1. 3/4 of your techies were very very very new to all of this and currently is being taught by one of the old techies who considered quitting during this week 

2. one of your leads has the flu and spread it to his co-actress (so it’s flu central)

3. THE ENSEMBLE DID NOT KNOW ANY OF THEIR LINES AND WHY DO THEY LOOK SO DEAD ON STAGE PLS LIVEN UP CHILDREN IM CRYIN g

so you cancel rehearsal on your end (soonyoung actually asks for everyone to stay to have a chat with them) and run to jihoon’s office with tears running down your face

he sadly was out of the room to make some copies of the music, but when he returned he was !!!!!!!!!

“y/n omg what happened? are you okay???”

“i want to quit my job.” you cried due to stress. you loved your job, you didnt want to quit it was just so many things were happening at once and you wanted to crawl into a hole and cry

“n O !” “i mean.. you shouldn’t, i know this week is the hardest week for directors. mingyu tells me about it all the time with his kids over at *insert another high school* you’re strong y/n!!! you can do this!!!” he even did aegyo for you and it did help cheer you up

and you did get through this with multiple hugs from jihoon and soonyoung talking to the kids and telling them to have fun, bc they obviously were just doing this at this point as a routine

and it worked. it totally worked and the show was a H I T. it was such a hit the show had a nomination in every category from best overall to best ensemble to best small prop in the corner during act 2 scene 5.

and when you saw the nomination list, you ran down the hall from the auditorium to jihoon’s classroom (who he was currently scolding women’s choir for being distracted) (they were totally talkign about how he looks at you while you two were speaking in the hallway)

*BOOM* you slam the door open and he instantly lightens up and smiles (spawn of satan jihoon exits the room) !!!

“ W e  GOT A NOMINATION IN EVERY CATEGORY THANKS TO YOU JIHOONNNNIEEEEEE” 

“did miss. y/l/n call mr. lee ‘jihoonie’ ?”

he’s ecstatic to see you so happy which causes very ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) faces throughout the choir

the night of the award ceremony comes, there are over 500 people in that orpheum theatre all hoping that they win some award of some sort.

you were just sitting with jihoon and soonyoung trying to stay calm, you even already pick your representatives within the cast to go get the awards to save looking like a fool trying to find a rep last minute.

then it came to the moment everyone was waiting for, your show had won most of the awards of the night already but there was one category you wanted the most to set the night, best small prop in the corner during act 2 scene 5 overall musical.

you were so nervous, but soonyoung gave you that look that L O O K that you both knew what it meant (we won)

and the look was right, you did. “from Serenity Rose High School, *insert a good musical bc im too tired to name one* wins best overall for this years High School Musical Awards!”

you were jumping, you were screaming and crying and suddenly your lips were connected with jihoon’s

it was such a good kiss, it probably could’ve won best kiss tbh

jihoon is in shock, soonyoung was in shock, your entire cast was in shock they almost forgot to send little jenny to go get the award, and then after a minute you were in s h o c k.

you were kissing jihoon, you were kissing jihoon Y O U w E R e Ki S i N G Ji hOo N. you pull away so quickly, but your hands were still cupping his face.

“i.. uh.” you were beet red, your cheeks were getting hot and you couldn’t remove your hands from his face they were like stuck.

he was also blushing, and trying his best not to smile super widely.

“ihavelikedyousinceteachercampinjulyireallyhopethiswasntawkwardeventhoughiknowitwasimsosorryforkissingyououtofthebluebutomgdidiactuallyjustkissyou”

“what?”

“jihoon, you adorable spawn of satan, i have liked you since the beginning of the school year like a little school girl and i just kissed you because yes, i like you. god im such a hIg H scHOo L ER!”

“y/n y/n y/n, i very much like you too”

“t h a n k g O D”

dating jihoon would be sweet and cute and adored by the entire fine arts department (teachers and students included)

you would always be in his classroom during your off periods, just chilling while you watch him teach his class. everyone would be screaming o TP in their heads whenever a subtle cute interaction between you two would happen

“y/n we shouldn’t do this in front of the students.”

“they’re at lunch what could possibly happen if you kicked all of them out, just kiss me already!!!”

right when you two were just centimeters apart, “mr. lee i needed to ask you if- ..oh.. o  H” “KIM SERIOUSLY I TOLD ALL OF YOU TO GO TO LUNCH”

dates would include late night adventures to downtown or somewhere far, far away from the school. you would even go to see a show at the theatre bc after dating you, he got very interested into the performing arts. 

even though jihoon wouldn’t be very into pda, he’d do it when it was only you two alone (very alone no students, no teachers, no one just you and him)

he’d always be there when you are stressed and he’d provide hugs and soft singing to calm you down, and you would always be there for him bc he sometimes needs to be reminded of the time so he can leave the school at a reasonable time like JIHOON OMG IT’S 9PM WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!!?

“i just wanted to pick out new music for next semester”

“J i HOo N!” 

but yes, that is teacher!woozi / teacher!jihoon 

i’m terrible at this omg this was so long why is it so long thx for reading all of this if you did. i wrote this at like 2am don’t hate me if this was badly spelt or grammar is terrible too. i hope u liked it, this is what i believe teacher jihoon would be (somewhat inspired by my satan-like choir teacher) but yes, i might do more of these aus someday, if you have any ideas pls hit me up in my inbox! :D

oki bye

[islareeveswriting]

Fool’s Gold | Epilogue | Harry Styles PT AU

PREVIOUS |

Story Page Here

Listen To Thinking Bout You Dua Lipa Like poison coursing through me So clear my vision is blurred The haze won't put my mind at ease I've been sleeping later, I've been breathing stronger I've been digging deeper but the memories won't stop

Word Count 1.6k (it’s an epilogue) 

‘Shit.’ Olivia’s heart was beating like thunder, she felt like she was going to be sick and in the next second she had her head over the toilet and was expelling her morning coffee. It tasted like acid and it burned. She looked back to her hands, they were shaking and with that so was the white stick in her fingers. The white stick with the two blue lines.

‘Shit.’ Olivia’s heart was beating like thunder, she felt like she was going to be sick and in the next second she had her head over the toilet and was expelling her morning coffee. It tasted like acid and it burned. She looked back to her hands, they were shaking and with that so was the white stick in her fingers. The white stick with the two blue lines. 

Her period was a week late, and she knew when it didn’t come the day it was meant to what was going on. She’d never been late, not ever. She blamed it on stress and tiredness and hormones, but she knew. As soon as it was a day behind she felt like her body changed, it was like she could feel it inside her. Each day she hoped to see a spot of blood, but she never did. As the seventh day rolled around she knew it was time to take a test. 

She picked it up with her groceries from the small Tesco Express on her road, and hoped she didn’t bump into anyone she knew. She was so occupied by it that she forgot to pick up the chicken for the chicken stir fry she was intending on having for dinner that night. She had a vegetable one instead. It wasn’t quite the same as the one Harry had shown her how to make, there was something missing (apart from the chicken), maybe it really did matter what way round the salt and pepper went in. Or maybe it was just that he hadn’t made it, and they hadn’t sung and danced around the kitchen as they, well Harry, cooked. 

They hadn’t spoken since the day he’d left the flat, but everyday she came home and missed the familiarity of him being there. She missed the smell of him freshly showered, wafting through the flat as she walked in. She missed the sound of his laughter as he watched re-runs of ‘Would I Lie To You?’ and ‘Friends’ on repeat. She missed watching him as he cooked something delicious for dinner, and she sipped on a post-workout smoothie he’d made. She missed the familiarity and the comfort that came from having him around, the warm feeling of knowing he’d be there when she got home. It didn’t matter if she’d had the best day ever or the worst she could have imagined, he’d be there, and he’d ask, and he’d listen, and he’d cook her dinner, and she’d shower, and they’d curl up on the couch, and they’d be. They’d be Harry and Olivia for just a few hours and no one would know, so that was ok. 

She missed that. 

Niall had told her he was knocking around with someone, dark hair, dark eyes, Olivia knew who. Olivia had kicked her out of her flat just before breaking Harry’s heart for the second time in as many days. It stung when she found out, but how could she expect any less when Olivia had been in those shoes when Ella left him. Maybe Harry just didn’t know how to be alone. Olivia just hoped he wasn’t saying their things or doing their things with her. Olivia didn’t like being alone anymore. 

Olivia missed him but she didn’t want to be the one to call him. When he’d left he’d said he needed to be away from her to get over her and she had to respect that. She couldn’t go muscling her way into his life if that wasn’t what he wanted, and as much as that hurt, it didn’t hurt as much as realising she’d be willing to admit she was wrong if it meant she could have him back. She told herself he was probably happier and that made it ok, that made it easier, that’s all that mattered. It was her own fault. She deserved to look back and know she was happier when he was around, but he deserved to be happier elsewhere because he’d offered her everything and she’d thrown it in his face. Olivia knew she’d be there, if his heart was broken again, ready to pick it up, patch it up and maybe try again. Re-run the same story with a different ending.  

She couldn't stop thinking about him. She’d tried everything. She’d been out drinking with friends more often in the past month than she had since she left university. She worked later than she really wanted to in attempt to keep him out of her mind but it made no difference. 

She sighed looking at the stick. She’d only slept with one person in the last six months. His child was inside her and they weren’t even talking. Once again, everything came back to him. 

++

Harry was in the kitchen, cooking his chicken stir fry, the one he’d taught Olivia to cook, he wondered if she’d cooked it since he left. He often had thoughts like that about Olivia, if she still did things the same way without him, if she still had the same routine, if she still thought about him the way he thought about her. She still consumed his every thought and every feeling, no matter how many times he bought Heidi back, no matter how many times he bought anyone back. It all came back to Olivia and it angered him that, that was still the case. 

‘Smells good Haz.’ He didn’t like it when Heidi shortened his name like that, but he didn’t say anything because she didn’t say anything when he’d said Olivia’s name two nights ago, and had all but refused to touch her since. Harry turned to her with a soft smile that quickly fell. She’d pulled on his white Rolling Stones t-shirt after her shower. Harry felt his nostrils flare. 

‘Get that t-shirt off.’ Harry growled through a clenched jaw. Heidi just dipped her brow. That wasn’t her t-shirt to wear. That was Olivia’s t-shirt, well it was Harry’s, but it was the one Olivia always went for. Olivia pulled it on more often than he did, and her smell was still on it, not the smell of her shower gel, or shampoo, or perfume, just the smell of her. There was the red wine stain, on the bottom hem, that she’d put there when she spilled her glass at dinner. She’d been wearing only that t-shirt and her underwear. Harry had joked it made her look like she was bleeding, now he felt like he was bleeding from a wound inflicted by her. He felt like he was bleeding love and no one could stem it, well, someone could but they didn’t want to, they’d rather watch him bleed to death.  ‘I said take it off.’ Harry repeated, louder than before and with more venom as he began to hate the person he was turning into. How did she still have so much power over him? 

‘Fucking hell Haz, calm down it’s only a t-shirt.’ Heidi chuckled. She was fresh from the shower, but Harry couldn’t help but think how much better Olivia looked fresh from the shower. He didn’t know why he was sleeping with Heidi, he thought it might be filling a hole but all it really did was clarify how much he wanted, needed, Olivia. All he did was compare Heidi to Olivia, and it never went in Heidi’s favour, no matter how bad Olivia had hurt him she’d always come out on top. She made him feel better, stronger, more alive, less like a leech, less like an empty shell. That wasn’t really Heidi’s fault though, really it was Olivia’s fault, but Olivia was still what Harry always circled back to.

‘Take that t-shirt off, don’t call me Haz and get out.’ Harry told her moving closer and looming over her. He recoiled as quickly as Heidi did, and he hated himself but he didn’t apologise, simply pushed past her heading for the bathroom.

He fell against the door, heavily, after locking it. The tears were already streaming. As soon as he’d walked past Heidi they began to fall, thick, blobs of salty tears streamed down his face, making his eyes bloodshot and glassy, and reddening his cheeks. He sobbed violently, his body shaking with it as he lost his breath and choked on the air that did come to him. 

It hurt so much. It hurt like nothing else he knew. There was nothing he could do about it and that made it worse. The only thing that could fix him was so far out of reach it wasn’t even a speck in the distance, it wasn’t even a mirage of something he wanted, it was just nothing, not even atoms, just nothing. 

It was still suffocating him, she was still suffocating him and he didn’t know how to stop it. Being away from her was meant to make him get over her, move on, make him see things the way she’d seen it, disposable. But, it only made it worse. It only made the bruises darker, the scars re-open and the hole inside him emptier. It was twisting him, he was becoming bitter and it wasn’t just whiskey that made him angry anymore. The missing her made his heart ache the way a dead leg ached, but it didn’t fade. Everything still came back to her, even the unrelenting selfishness, he blamed that on her too, she’d made him that way. 

Harry couldn’t even convince himself he was only in love with the memories of what they had, and not with the person who had helped make them. He told himself he’d come to terms with her not feeling the same but he hadn’t, it still knocked him for ten and everything after that was collateral damage. He didn’t feel like he’d come up with diamonds anymore, he felt like he’d come up with fool’s gold.

So there we go that really is it, the end. What do we think? Bit of a shock for Liv, shock for you too? I love hearing your thoughts and stuff about this and my inbox is always open to chat about this fic cause Olivia and Harry have a huge place in my heart and we will definitely come back to them in the future. Can’t really leave it like that can I?

Thank you for coming on this ride with me and thank you for all the messages, reblogs and likes I really do appreciate every single one of them,

@cuddlemusclestyles and @harrysmeadow have literally been there since the beginning on this with me and they’ve been the best. They put up with me moaning about it when it was going to shit, they put up with me asking 101 questions and pretty much wrote the Rome chapter (ah the Rome chapter that seems like so long ago now). I love them so much they don’t even know but they really are the best and I’m so glad they’re in my life. Steph has got an awesome (and adorable) going on and Emma’s just finished a good’n and has not long posted a killer one shot and will be taking you on a journey soon so PLEASE go and check them out.

I hope you enjoy xx