#my roomate snapped at me telling me I could never understand the pain of being trans

[just-rogi]

God I feel like there is a rock in my stomach going into work today, I don’t want to have this conversation with the kids but we are going to have to- I feel so fucking sick and honestly I wish my roomates gave me some support or a space to talk about this

[futurewriter2000]

Euphoria - pt. 6

A/N: I don’t know what to say about this one. Just to say I know how real fear feels and it’s worse than I described it but the angsty fight could be angstier.

XX

It didn’t take James long to notice something was continuesly on your mind. 

In two days you seemed to wear baggy clothes and he couldn’t understand why. They weren’t his T-shirts. You returned all of them. They weren’t Remus’ either but when he asked around you didn’t have a new boyfriend as well. They seemed quite oversized, covering all of your body and barely leaving an inch of skin in sight. 

You kept being alone, distant. He could remember you always talked to everybody, never afraid if somebody new or old approached you. You always kept a smile on your face and whenever somebody came close, you put your book down and started up a conversation. Now? Now when someone sat next to you in the common room or in class, you just kept to yourself, nodding and simpering when they talked. 

You didn’t eat in the Great Hall anymore. He couldn’t know if you ate anything at all and he couldn’t know if you were starving yourself from your baggy clothes. 

From your perspective it was quite different. You didn’t bother with James and Remus anymore, or anyone from their friend group. They were the least important thing on your mind. All you thought about was how to not see Mulciber. How to avoid him at all costs. Every day. From the minute you woke up to the second you fell asleep. It terrfied you. It put a knot in your stomach and you walked with an odd, terrifying feeling inside of you. 

Class- dorm. Your only destinations. No Great Hall, no courtyard, no walk by the lake and definetly not library.

There was nothing wrong with you. There wasn’t. There truly wasn’t. - You kept telling yourself that. One thing you did know. You were constantly afraid. 

James was now contemplating whether he should go walk to the girl, curled up in a corner of the sofa near the fire, looking so damn adorable with the big-baggy sweater he hated and adored at the same time on you. Your eyes were gently reading the pages of the book meanwhile your fingers placed with a necklace- wait! 

He narrowed his eyes at the necklace and...and it wasn’t the necklace he gave you. It just wasnt the gentle pink heart- rather a stunning amethyst stone, hugged by thorny silver vines. 

What- why? - questions kept running through his head and he kept getting angrier because of it meanwhile you were just sitting there, reading. 

“Hey.” 

You looked up to see James standing in front of you. There was a frown on his lips and eyes looking directly at yours. 

“Hi?” you questioned with a quirk of your eyebrow. 

“Uhm... why... I mean what... what are you doing?” he kept stammering, sittig down next to you and ruffling his hair. 

“Reading.” you replied and showed him the book. 

“What are you reading?” 

Confused with his sudden decision of caring, you decided to answer quick and clear. “Book.”

“What kind?”

“Autobiography.”

“About?” 

“Henri Charriere.” 

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” 

There was silence for a while as the two of you just watched each other for no appearent reason except making the air more awkward. 

“Okay, so you know I’m full of shit.” he said, ruffling his hair again and leaning back. 

“Pretty much.” you kept at your quick and clear answers. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked, leaning elbows on his knees and looking at you with concern in his eyes. 

“Nothing.” you said, opening the book again. 

“I’ve known you all my life, (y/n). I know when something is wrong.” he raised his voice a tone, showing you he was serious about all of his words. 

“There is nothing wrong. Now leave it.” you raised your voice as well, closing your book with a big thud and glaring at him. 

He threw his head in front, forcing a defeated smile on his lips and getting up. “You know... every time you said something you didn’t want to tell me but deeply wanted me to figure out on my own, you got angry. You’re doing this just now.” 

“Well, I can’t see why would you care anything about me.” you snapped, still glaring after him. “First you were all about loving me and the next was talking rubbish of me to the whole school, not even looking at me after!” you gritted your teeth with force and fury.

“That’s because I was ashamed!” he shouted. “I was drunk that night, more than I was ever drunk in my life and that was because of you!! YOU THINK I CAN TURN IT OFF LIKE A SWITCH?!?! I can’t! I’ve been trying but guys have feeling too, (y/n) and that day I felt like my heart is going to squeeze itself into disappearance.” his eyes were glistening and his hand was digging into his shirt, at the place where his heart was. 

“You told everybody I was a slag.” your eyes began to water as well. You uncovered yourself and stood up, facing him your back. “You told how easy I was! How anybody could have me if they wanted! You threw me out there like I was an object!” you turned to him.

“YOU SLEPT WITH MY BEST FRIEND!” he shouted, coming closer to you and letting tears fall down his cheeks. 

This was the first time you saw James cry. 

Never. Never in all the years you have known him, James never cried in front of you. No matter how hurt he was, no matter how much it pained him, he never cried in front of you. Not a tear. 

But when he said it- how he said it; with a low voice that cracked at those last two words. You knew now. You hurt him more than he ever hurt you. 

“And all the time I wished that I wouldn’t know. All the time I wished and still wish that it wasn’t him but it was. It had to be the usual cliche best friend, roomate. Hadn’t it, (y/n)?” he kept looking at you with so much disappointment that now all the fear you always felt was covered with all the shame James made you feel at this moment. “So yeah. I spoke rubbish of you. It’s not something I am proud of but I was drunk. I was drunk on my arse, drowning my sorrow in it and feeling a bit over-prideful when I had too much in my system. I realized what I had done the following day when I woke up on a toilet. Have you realized what you have done?”

That question made you shot your head up so fast, you could feel something crack. “How dare you ask me that?! You broke me James! As much as I love you, you broke me everytime you decided to shout and yell at me for things I could not change or have any effect on! Tense and on edge everytime. Shouting at me for the smallest of things, insulting me as well! Have you ever realiyed how you have treated me in the past months of our relationship?!” you shouted and before he could reply you cut in first. “I didn’t want to cheat on you! Especially not with Remus! But he was there at the wrong place at the wrong time and everything between us was so messed up-”

“I DON’T CARE!” he shouted. “I don’t care how messed up it was between us! We always loved each other! We had more good memories than bad! Of course, we fought! Couples do that. Of course, you were tense and on edge almost every month before you got your period. You were horrible to me when you felt off and you started fights as well! You insulted me! You shouted as well! The fights went both ways and just because the last month was a bit off that doesn’t mean you get to walk away from this relationship!”  

You stood there and stared at him. He was right. He really was but the fire in you kept going and you couldn’t calm down. “I-I can’t this-” you grabbed your book and started storming away.

“Where are you going?!”

“I’m leaving!”

And everything was clear and fine until his hand grabbed yours and he pulled you to him. You crashed into his body and you heard the first few words but after that it squeezed you tight in your chest and you couldn’t breathe. The vision was black, only words echoing in your ears :

‘Such a pretty little doe with such a pretty little face.’  

‘You know I always fancied you... always thinking what you could do to me if I was your man- not that arrogant Potter boy.’

‘It’s aways the most innocent ones that are the wildest.’

His voice continued to echo in your ears meanwhile all your vision was dark. You were in a library, he was touching you, kissing you. You were frozen in your seat.

“Leave me alone!” you shouted at those malicious green eyes- slicked white hair and a grin that kept cackling. “DON’T TOUCH ME!” you screamed, feeling different hands around your but shoved yourself away from them and falling on the ground. “Don’t touch me!” you turned around on your back and started crawling away, your vision getting clearer meanwhile the cackle was still in your head. Your eyes kept themselves wide and at the boy in front.

It’s James and he was staring at you. Staring at your frightened eyes. 

You quickly got up from the floor and started backing away, feeling sickness in your stomach. “Leave me alone.” your voice trembled, your eyes looking away. “Leave...leave me...don’t touch me. Leave me. Don’t touch me. Leave me.” you kept telling to yourself and making your way to your dorm. “Leave me. Don’t touch me.” and when you were up in your dorm, you stormed into the bathroom and cleaned yourself the same day as you did when that- that monster put his hands on you, sobbing. 

And James? James was terrified and furious.

Who touched you?