#my religion is ben wearing suits

[tomwambscunts]

j*ke n*rdwind’s IG stories ☠️ no matter how much they try I’m not gonna be fooled by michael and andrew’s whirlwind “friendship” JUST NO (also something about ben wearing suits)

LOOOOOOL I don’t buy it I think this is a “keep your enemies closer” chapter of an “enemies to lovers” book.

Goodnights were funny though because it was just michael trying to get to places and andrew looking kendall roy level sad LMAO but it took a turn and andrew started following michael around for no apparent reason??????

[kneamet]

Jaguar! Tom discovers his wife is having an affair. He murders his rival. Reader's wrists are tied to the chair. Tom caresses her cheek. He tells her: You're mine. She says he forced her to marry and she isn't love him. Tom smiles and tells her : You will never leave bedroom. You will stay there forever as my lovely wife.

Trigger Warning: obsession, yandere, murder

Word Count: 1536

Character: Jaguar!Tom/reader

Summary: your husband finds out you're having an affair. And he is filled with pure anger.

POV Thomas

He was angry. Very angry. Anger filled him. But also, in a sense, I was a little confused. How could his beloved wife dare to cheat on him? Why? Didn't she love him?

But didn't they have the most beautiful and pure love in the world? Weren't they happily married together? In Thomas ' opinion, she had everything: beautiful and expensive clothes, a husband who idolized her, delicious food, comfortable conditions. What was wrong with her?

Thomas spent most of his free time with you. Spent time with you, even bathed you when you were sick. And in the end, what? And in the end, she just ignores his feelings and throws a knife in his back. Not literally, of course.

But why with him? Why did she cheat on him with a stranger? A man who wasn't even her type! Thomas knew about his wife's tastes. You liked the dangerous ones, the courageous ones, and most importantly, the smart ones. Who would even like a stay-at-home person? Some nerd, what does he do, what does he read about morality?

No, his doll was only interested in gentlemen like him. And she won't need anyone else. Period.

Thomas sighed, clenching his jaw tightly, squeezing his snow-white teeth. He blinked a couple of times and his gaze returned to the body. On a dead body. On the body of his wife's lover.

What a freak. These were Thomas's thoughts, and he kicked with a little lethargy, his shoes already stained with blood. The blood of the bastard who tried to steal you from him.

Thomas didn't like Ben. That was the man's name, Ben. The towering man slowly savored the name. He didn't like it. What kind of idiot would give his son that name. Although St. Benedict...

But no. Beliefs were alien to him, and he had never had much sympathy for any religion. Although thanks to them, it is easy to manipulate people, which was certainly a plus for all politicians.

Thomas quickly squatted down, spreading his legs and raising his left eyebrow. And how could this man only attract the attention of his wife?

Benedict's red hair lay in an unpleasant and sticky arrangement. Was he poor, since he couldn't even afford a normal gel? It was possible, especially if you looked at his clothes, which were old, worn jeans and a loose red sweater. More like a jumper, though. Thomas didn't know much about it.

He didn't want to believe that those disgusting hands were touching the body of his doll. He couldn't imagine this freak stroking her back.

No, he wouldn't dare touch his doll like that. Her beautiful soft hair, which was convenient to grasp during acts of love, soft and innocent eyes that always looked into the eyes of the interlocutor. This is a beautiful face, the beauty of which can not be compared with anyone from the existing person.

Still, Thomas hoped Benedict hadn't touched her in that particular way.

The man stifled a sigh.

"Thank you for not even torturing you. My tortures can be quite brutal, by the way, " Thomas lamented, getting up from his crouch with a loud gasp and adjusting the black frosted pants from the new Westwood collection. And why was he only wearing that suit? I knew I'd get it dirty. And his favorite shoes.

Thomas turned to the other men who were standing by the door, watching the scene, and said quickly::

"Get out of here, and quickly," he waved a hand in it. "I don't want the police to notice the murder of this senseless man," Thomas said in a steely voice, quickly scanning the perimeter for other people.

"Get ready, doll, because you're going to get hurt," he muttered to himself, clenching his fists tightly.

***

"I love you, doll," the man mumbled happily, holding his beloved's small hands tightly in his big and wounded ones.

The girl only smiled in response, resting her head on the strong shoulder of her beloved Thomas. He just smiled, blissfully closing his eyes.

"Me too," she murmured back.

***

POV Your

Fucking freak. A complete freak, incapable of even the slightest feelings of compassion. How could you ever meet someone like that? Why exactly are you? Why exactly do you get into all sorts of unpleasant situations with crazy psychos?

You sighed softly, feeling your heartbeat quicken again, getting faster and faster. You didn't want to think about what would happen when Thomas, your husband, came here. I didn't want to. You were sure that this betrayal would be followed by the punishment that your, you slightly grimaced, husband, so often spoke of.

You blinked a couple of times and looked at the door across from you. Freedom was so close and yet you couldn't get it... Although even that plan did not seem to be very implemented.

Your last plan, which Thomas revealed, was to have an affair with a man behind his back. With a man who would do anything for you, even write a book! With a man who will love you with a sincere and pure love, and not the way Thomas loves you.

You don't even want to say his name in your mind.

But in the end, the plan failed because Thomas installed a small sensor in your body, as painful as it was to realize, that would monitor your location.

But how did he know about it? After all, you did everything secretly, there were no inaccuracies. You checked everything! And in the end, Thomas somehow doubted your "loyalty" to him and decided to track you.

But even apart from that, you didn't stop dating your beloved Benedict. After all, he was so cute! Infidel, one of the best people there is.

***

Thomas's intense and watchful eyes were watching you. Watching you change into a pair of light pajamas that consisted of long shorts and a white nightgown.

You turned your brooding gaze on him, looking at Thomas in a little confusion. He took your gaze and cleared his throat, lowering his eyes.

"Tell me, do you love me?" he asked incredulously as he sat down on the soft, spread-out bed. You stifled a sigh and sank down beside him. It was getting harder to wake up and fall asleep next to him.

Trying to smile, you turned off the light.

"Of course I love you," unfortunately, or fortunately, these words had to be said constantly and through force.

***

You pressed your lips together. Being in this room right now was just disgusting. You never liked her, but you knew that if you said a word against Thomas ' word, you'd be in trouble.

Although it would seem that the usual room of a rich man. The white walls matched the white bed, the legs of which were dark in color. There was a large beige sofa next to it, a large-screen TV in front of it, and bookcases with books and clothes next to it. And of course, in the corner of the room, you could see a small camera. Thomas loved to dominate the situation.

Yes, everything would be fine, but only if Thomas didn't force you to have violent sex in this room and everything here wasn't bought with stolen money.

And although you used to like this beige sofa, standing next to the bed, now you just hated it fiercely, as well as the bed itself. And all why? Because you were sitting on it right now, and the ropes were tied to the bedposts, rubbing your skin very painfully.

Suddenly, the wooden door opened loudly and closed with an equally loud bang. You looked up reluctantly. Your husband, who was apparently in a complete mess, was walking straight towards you, angry with Thomas. It seems that not now will definitely not be good.

You've never found Thomas eerily handsome. Yes, he was good-looking, in your opinion: that black hair, gelled, thin lips, brilliant blue eyes that you could drown in, a great style in music, clothes, books, after all, but still something about him always seemed suspicious. He was too perfect.

Suddenly, he was right in front of you, grabbing your sore cheek with a strong hand. You stifled a painful groan. Damn, this is so unpleasant. But you will have to endure, because it is better not to show Thomas your fear and resentment, otherwise he may be bitterly angry.

"You're mine!" he roared loudly, through his teeth, like a lion about to pounce on its prey.

You sighed softly, feeling the uncomfortable feeling in your hands again, where the hard rope was rubbing painfully against your wrists, and feeling your cheek tighten again.

"I'm not yours!" No, it was just unbearable. You're not a toy and you don't belong to anyone. "I will never be yours, because you just forced me to marry you, you freak!"you snapped back, already feeling that Thomas would slap you, so you prematurely closed your eyes.

However, the blow did not come. Blinking, you saw Thomas smiling at you with a sickly smile. She's always terrified you. It meant that something was about to happen.

"You just don't understand. You just don't get it, do you, doll? But no, you understand perfectly!" he growled again, barely able to contain himself. You saw the veins in his neck bulge. All of a sudden he just calmed down. "You will never leave this room again. You will stay here forever, as my beloved wife.”

[sickslickman]

Welcome to the Table States

Been thinking of doing this for a while, just a cast list for Welcome to the Table by main, major recurring, minor recurring, and guest spots. Let me know if I missed anyone. Also I don’t know sports teams worth a damn, so if I don’t name the state’s jerseys as they should be, that’s why.

Main cast:

(These are characters that premiered in the first episode and appear in most if not all of the episodes. Note: unless otherwise mentioned, all characters in this series are portrayed by Ben Brainard)

DC: The District of Columbia. Runs the meetings. Acts as the leader, but occasionally the shady side of politics comes out of him. Trying desperately to keep his sanity amid the virus, BLM, and everyday American life. His appearance goes from wearing a polo shirt to a suit and tie. Appears in every episode.

Call: “I’m about to do something drastic!”

Florida: The Sunshine State. The Mr. Hyde to DC’s Dr. Jekyll, he is all for absolute chaos and fun over order and following guidelines, and basically comes to the meetings solely to ruin DC’s day. Knows how to call every state because everyone eventually moves to Florida. His appearance is usually a tank top, shorts and a bucket hat. Believes that the coronavirus is a hurricane (or a tropical storm, it varies from day to day). Appears in every episode.

Call: “Duval!”

Texas: The Lone Star State. Usually represents everything the conservative side stands for (guns, politics, religion, women’s rights, big government, you get the drill). His appearance is a red button down shirt and a black cowboy hat. Appears in most episodes.

Call: Sing lines from “Who Put All My Ex's in Texas” by Willie Nelson

California: The Golden State. Usually represents everything the progressive liberal side stands for (abortion, anti-police, anti-fascism, anti-confederacy, BLM, you get it). His appearance is hipster based with beanie and thick-framed glasses. Appears in most episodes.

Call: “Hey Human Torch!” (Unknown if that’s official call or if it just worked because of the wildfires currently ongoing in California)

New York: The Empire State. Tends to be gruff, abrasive and sometimes hostile with his arms almost always folded. Politically is sort of the middle ground between Texas and California; mostly would rather be doing anything else. His appearance used to be a winter coat and hat but has since switched to a Giants jersey. Appears in most episodes.

Call: Unknown at this time, but does react when someone claims their pizza is better.

Major Recurring:

(These are states that make frequent appearances and/or have a strong presence)

Louisiana: The Pelican State. Florida’s best friend and main partner in crime. Very laid back. Only character that speaks with a Cajun accent. His appearance was initially a bucket hat and suspenders with no shirt, but has gradually shifted to wearing LSU gear. Loves daiquiris and gators. Appears in most episodes. His premiere episode is the most watched episode of the series.

Call: “Who dat? Who dat?”

(Note: At this point he has appeared in as many episodes as the main cast, considering bumping him up to main.)

Georgia: The Peach State. Always acts like he just got out of bed, and is almost never seen without a mug of coffee. His appearance has gradually shifted from pajamas to Panthers gear. About as chaotic as Florida, but more out of being dim-witted than out of desire for chaos. Appears in many episodes.

Call: Unknown at this time

West Virginia: The Mountain State: The only state to appear in the pilot episode that is not a main character. Appears very infrequently. His appearances usually involve following coronavirus guidelines and his usage of the word “f***.” Initially dressed in Amish clothing, he has since changed to a Mountaineers football shirt and hat.

Call: Unknown at this time

Washington: The Evergreen State. As the American spread of the coronavirus originated in Seattle, he is almost always coughing but passes it off as “allergies.” Usually wears a dark short-sleeved button down and hipster glasses with ear buds. Appears in several episodes.

Call: Unknown at this time

Massachusetts: The Bay State. Appears frequently and loudly. Has a love-mostly-hate relationship with New York. Tends to be a very abrasive and loud voice of reason. His appearance has gone from a Celtics jersey to a Bruins one.

Call: “Is that Matt Damon and Ben Affleck?”

Utah: The Beehive State. His appearance is a dress shirt and tie and he usually carries a Bible. He is a Mormon and very religious. Has an antagonistic relationship with Florida, who constantly belittles him and inquires about his multiple wives (which Utah does not do anymore). Appears semi-frequently.

Call: “I wish someone were here to tell me about my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!”

Kentucky: The Bluegrass State. Usually wears a dress sweater and carries a picture of Governor Andy Beshear with him everywhere. Tends to be a voice of reason and one of the least problematic states at the table, which is surprising given who his senator is. Appears semi-frequently.

Call: Pronounce “Louisville”

The Carolinas: Both make frequent and strong appearances, and both have a rough relationship with Florida. Both wear T-shirts reflecting their states.

South Carolina: The Palmetto State. Likes to remind Florida of the Jameis Winston crab legs incident. Gets annoyed if you say his barbeque is trash. Loves college football and is always talking about Clemson.

Call: “Carolina BBQ is trash!”

North Carolina: The Tar Heel State. Although he has only appeared in the series fairly recently, he has already become a recurring character. Loves barbecues and basketball. Tends to get hit with a lot of natural disasters.

Call: “It’s bo time!”

Colorado: The Centennial State. Wears a blue T-shirt and a ski hat with goggles. Is usually high all the time and constantly talks about weed. Appears semi-frequently.

Call: Howl like a wolf

Alaska: The Last Frontier. Has only appeared a couple of times but has made a strong impression. Wears an “Alaskan grown” shirt and winter hat. Speaks in a slow but patient voice. Likes to be left alone. Has a friendly rivalry with Texas on account of size. Is a little weird but friendly enough.

Call: None. He is always there. Like Batman.

Minor Recurring:

(These are for characters that are more like supporting characters. Note that although several of these states have had episodes focusing on them, their overall presence is less than that of the major recurring)

Indiana: The Hoosier State. Has only appeared twice. Has trouble coming to terms with Mike Pence’s alleged homosexuality. Not much else notable about him.

Call: Sing the Indiana Jones theme (Although he would prefer “Hoo hoo!”)

Pennsylvania: The Keystone State. Appears semi-frequently but is mostly a slightly less abrasive New York or Massachusetts. Wears an Eagles jersey in most appearances. Constantly asking for a drink. Constantly asking people to choose between Wawa or Sheetz.

Call: “We are!”

Wisconsin: The Badger State. Wears a giant foam Swiss cheese hat on his head. Is perpetually drunk. Argues in favor of the rights of the people (although not always in the best ways). Hates Illinois and especially the Bears.

Call: “Anyone need anything from Quik Trip?”

Illinois: The Prairie State. Mostly just known for Chicago and not much else. Wears a Cubs jersey and hat. Seems rather old fashioned and does not like alcoholics. Everyone in his state seems to hate each other. Hates Wisconsin and has arguments with New York in regards to who makes better pizza.

 Call: Unknown, but seems to react to someone insulting the Bears.

Ohio: The Buckeye State. Loves skyline chili and wine at two o’clock. Begins just about every sentence with “ope.” Used to dress like a rapper wannabe, but now dressed in Ohio State gear. Hates Michigan and given the chance would kill him himself.

Call: “O-H!”

Michigan: The Great Lake State. Wears a Lions jersey and hat and brings a bottle of Vernors with him everywhere. Hates Ohio and wants to beat Ohio State at football.

Call: “Liberate Michigan!”

New Mexico: The Land of Enchantment. Appears very infrequently. Speaks Spanish on top of English. Is intelligent to a degree but will throw down if necessary. Mostly talks about cultural things. Wears a blue hoodie-looking sweater.

Call: Unknown, but responds when someone claims to have better green chili.

Mississippi: The Show Me State. Claims to be the “Harvard of the South.” Carries a water bottle with him wherever he goes. Gets into arguments with California over Confederate momentos.

Call: Unknown at this time

Alabama: The Cotton State. Mostly appears in the weekly recap videos. Represents the philosophies of the Deep South. Not much else known about him.

Call: Unknown at this time

Arizona: The Grand Canyon State. Appears mostly as a semi-frequent character in the weekly recap videos. Not much else is known about him.

Call: Unknown at this time

Missouri: The Show Me State. Appears semi-frequently in the weekly recap videos. Not much is known about him other than he likes barbeque and has a feud with Kansas over Kansas City.

Call: Unknown at this time

Oklahoma: The Sooner State. Appears mostly in the weekly recap videos but has made other appearances too. Tends to be rather sarcastic and blunt, but is prone to overreaction at times. Hates Texas.

Call: Unknown at this time

Tennessee: The Volunteer State. Appears mostly in the weekly recap videos. Tends to be high-pitched and melodramatic.

Call: Unknown at this time

Oregon: The Beaver State. Appears mostly in the weekly recap videos. Was very active during the BLM protests and was vocal against the use of police brutality and unmarked abductions.

Call: Unknown at this time

Minnesota: The North Star State. Appears mostly in the weekly recap videos. Was very active during the BLM protests and in support of defunding police and reallocating resources. Tends to be a voice of reason.

Call: Unknown at this time

Connecticut: The Constitution State. Has only appeared a few times in the weekly recap videos. Tries to avoid dealing with Florida as much as he can.

Call: Unknown at this time

Maryland: The Free State. Wore a T-shirt in early appearances but is now decked out in crab gear in recent ones. As abrasive as a northern state, but with as much pride as a southern one. Early episodes had a running gag of Maryland’s issues regarding coronavirus tests.

Call: “Anyone have any Old Bay?”

The Dakotas: Appear infrequently. Only have about thirty-six people among both of them.

North Dakota: Has only appeared a couple of times. Not much is known about him.

South Dakota: Has appeared more often than his brother, but usually only talks about the Sturgis Bike Rally. Also is trying to fight meth.

Call: “Who’s the better Dakota again?” (will call both of them)

Iowa: The Corn State. One of the biggest running gags in the series is that no one seems to know where he is or how to get in touch with him. Tends to come and go from meetings whenever he sees fit.

Call: Unknown at this time

Background characters:

(Characters that only appear once or have no real significance to the series)

Nevada: The Silver State. Has only appeared once. Dresses like a Vegas dancer.

Rhode Island: The Ocean State. Has only appeared once to discuss his name change.

New Jersey: The Garden State. Has only appeared once. Doesn’t like it when New York keeps visiting him.

Wyoming: The Equality State. Has only appeared once when Florida insulted his name.

Nebraska: The Cornhusker State. Has appeared a couple of times but has had no real significance.

Kansas: The Sunflower State. Has only appeared a couple of times. Tends to feud with Missouri over Kansas City.

Idaho: The Gem State. Has only appeared once(?).

Arkansas: The Natural State. His only real appearance was in the poker episode when everyone told him he couldn’t play on account of he never shuts anything down and can’t weigh in with anything.

Delaware: The First State. Has only appeared twice. Like the state itself, nothing of significance has yet been noted.

Virginia: The Old Dominion. Has only appeared a couple of times, and his only notable role was in the mask debate.

States that still have not made an appearance:

Montana

Vermont

Maine

New Hampshire

Hawaii (Note that Brainard has stated he wishes to find a Hawaiian native actor to play this character.)

Other characters in this series:

CDC: The Center of Disease Control. Originally played by Ben Brainard, the role has since been taken over by comedian Drew Lynch. An overworked, underappreciated man who tries to get the states to adhere to coronavirus regulations. He has a bad stutter and has not slept in weeks. He may be being kept alive purely on coffee and good intentions.

International DC: Played by Elana Rose. Has only appeared once. DC’s sister and the international relations part of the federal government. She’s not very good at her job and tends to act very “mean girl.”

Mother Nature: Played by Liz, aka “lozclaws”. The goddess of earthling weather. Has an on-again off-again relationship with Florida.

Claire: Also played by Liz. Mother Nature’s...roommate? Mother? Not entirely sure. Tries to be a voice of reason to a pair with very little reason between the two of them.

The National Guard: The national army. Has only appeared twice, once to bodyguard Maryland, the other to discuss the BLM protests.

The 3rd Amendment: The third amendment to the Constitution of the United States. Only appeared once. It was very confusing.

Virginia: Kentucky’s sign-language interpreter. Only appeared once. Was deeply offended by Florida (as we all are).

Greg the Sound Guy: The guy who handles the audio and holds the mic boom for the show. Only appeared twice. Probably doesn’t get paid enough.

[haderberkman]

I One Hundred Percent Do

Richie Tozier X F Reader

Warnings: None

Prologue Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23

Requested by: @unlikelybeardsublime1212

It was finally wedding day, and Y/N and Richie were excited. They couldn’t wait to be married. They wanted to spend the rest of their lives together, and they wanted to share this moment with their family and friends.

The wedding planner, Claire, had worked really hard to make sure that everything was in place. They decided that the girls would get ready upstairs, and the boys would get ready downstairs. Y/N stared out the bedroom window at how beautifully the backyard was decorated.

Y/N and her bridesmaids were dressed and waiting for the signal for them to come downstairs. There was knock on the door, and Ben opened the door.

“Well, don’t you ladies look gorgeous. Us guys are heading out, and I just wanted to drop off Finn and the twins.”

The twins and Finn came into the room, wearing matching outfits. Y/N smiled at the boys, and Eddie carefully handed Finn to her. She didn’t know anyone who had a little girl, so she didn’t have a flower girl. Instead, they planned on the twins pulling Finn in a red metal wagon while flower pedals spilled from a bag that was tied to the back.

Ben kissed Bev and quickly made his way out of the room. Soon, Bev received a text, and they made their way downstairs. They all got into place, and Y/N’s dad took his place beside her. The music began, and the bridesmaid began to walk down the aisle.

It was Y/N’s turn to walk down the aisle, and she smiled at her dad as the song she chose came on. She and her dad started walking, and Y/N immediately placed her eyes on Richie. He looked absolutely stunning his suit, and a big smile came to her face.

As soon as Richie saw Y/N walking towards him, he noticed how beautiful she was, and happy tears began to fill his eyes. Y/N saw that Richie was crying, and she began to tear up.

Y/N finally made it to Richie, and he stepped towards her and her dad. He shook her dad’s hand, and he held his hand out for Y/N to grab. She did, and they walked hand in hand closer to Bill. They chose Bill to officiate their wedding because they weren’t big on religion.

Y/N handed her bouquet to Bev, and she turned to face Richie. They held each other’s hands and smiled at each other as Bill began.

It came time for them to say their vows, and Richie went first. He gripped Y/N’s hands, and he smiled at her.

“Y/N, my life has changed so much since we first met. You’ve given me a beautiful son who happens to look exactly like me. You’ve made me happier that I ever thought I could be. I love you so much, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Y/N smiled at Richie, and she lightly gripped his hands. Bill turned towards her and motioned for her to start. She took a deep breath and looked into Richie’s eyes.

“Richie, you have changed my life in so many ways, and I thank you for it. I was in a dark place, and you helped bring light back into my life by giving me a beautiful little boy. I’m excited to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you so much, and I’m excited to see the memories we make together.”

Y/N and Richie both began to tear up, and Bill cleared his throat, moving on to the rings. Y/N and Richie turned and got each other’s rings. They turned back and looked at Bill.

“Okay, Richie. Do you take Y/N to be your wife as long as you both shall live?”

“I one hundred percent do.”

Richie slid Y/N’s ring onto her finger, and Y/N smiled as she looked at the ring on her finger.

“Y/N, do you take Richie to be your husband as long as you both shall live?”

“I do. I totally do.”

Y/N slipped Richie’s ring on his finger, and they grabbed each other’s hands and smile. Bill looked at them both as a huge smile came to his face.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”

Richie pulled Y/N into his arms, and by her surprise, he dipped her and captured her lips in a kiss full of love. He pulled away and lifted her back up. They turned and faced the crowd.

“Mr. and Mrs. Richard Tozier”

Bev handed Y/N her bouquet, and Richie grabbed her hand. They walked up the aisle as their guests cheered for them.

The wedding reception was beautiful and so much fun. Y/N and Richie shared their first dance as husband and wife, and of course, they fed each other a piece of cake.

Y/N was sitting in her chair, holding Finn when she notice that Richie had disappeared. Suddenly, someone at the mic cleared their throat, and Y/N looked up as saw Richie standing at the mic.

“Hey, everyone. On behalf of me and my beautiful wife, I just want to thank all of you for coming. The real reason I’m up here is because I kept the honeymoon destination a secret. So, Y/N. Here’s your hint.”

Richie reached behind him, and Y/N gasped as he began putting on one of his Hawaiian shirts on over his white button up.

“You guess it. We’re going to Hawaii!”

Y/N handed Finn to her mom as Richie quickly made his way back to her. When he reached her, he sat down beside her and pulled her into a sweet kiss. They pulled away, and Richie noticed that she had a nervous look on her face.

“What’s a matter, baby?”

“I don’t know how I feel about getting on a plane and leaving Finn. I’ve never been on a plane, and I’ve never left him for more that a dad.”

Richie shifted his chair closer to her, and he placed his hands on her cheeks. She looked at him as he spoke to her.

“Hey, it’s gonna be alright. I’ll be there in the plane with you. I won’t let anything happen to you. Finn is gonna be okay. I’ve talked to you parents, and they said that they would love to watch him for us. He’s in good hands.”

“I love you so much, Richie.”

“I love you too so much, Y/N.”

[cutepastelstarsalior]

Kids

Fandom; Sander Sides

Charcters; Patton Sanders, Charcter!Thomas Sanders, Virgil Sanders, Deceit Sanders, Logan Sanders, Roman Sanders, and Remus Sanders

Warnings; character deaths, children death, divorce, car crash, suicide, homophobia

Summery; after a game of truth or dare goes horribly bad after leaving Patton in tears, the other sides try to fighter out what to do to help their father figure

This fic was inspired by a comic by @rinzay

——————

It was a good day.

Key word; way.

The day only turn bad after a game of truth or dare.

It was a ordinary day. A normal rainy Sunday. Thomas and the sides were relaxing in the living room playing games and watching Netflix.

After a while of binge watching tv, everyone was starting to get bored. It was only when Roman decided to play Truth it Dare that made everything more interesting. The game started out as fair and fun but it quickly turn emotional and heavy after Remus starts to ask difficult and personal questions.

Roman, Virgil, and Patton were sitting in a open triangle shape on the floor, Virgil in the middle with Patton on his right, were the happy light blue side had his back pressed against the couch, and Roman was on Virgil’s left side. All three men had their knees touching each other.

Remus, Logan and Thomas were on the couch. Remus was in the middle sitting upside down with his knees hanging against the couch’s back and his head on the carpet. Remus has one hand against his stomach while the other was moving around as he talked.

Logan was in the far right hand corner with his knees against under himself while he was drinking some coffee. Thomas was on the left hand corner leaning against the couch’s arm rest. Deceit was sitting on Roman’s “throne” which was just a bunch of beanbag chair and a bunch of blanket and pillow stack together to form some sort of lump. Deceit was both monitoring the game and keeping sore of who was winning the game and not cheating.

“Ok, ok, ok, who’s turn is next?” Roman ask out loud as he drummed his fingers against his thigh.

“It’s Remus’s turn” Deceit monotonly replied.

“YAY” Remus have a small shout. Quickly looking around Remus look to see who his next victim would be.

“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm idk, hmm maybe-“ Remus joke as he stroked his mustache carefully looking at each of his friends with a sly look.

“ Oh for the love of- Remus hurry up!” Virgil inpatiently cried out.

“Ok ok, yeesh, fine I chose Patton. Patty-cakes, truth or dare?”

“Oh. Um how about truth.” Patton said glancing up at Remus.

“ Ok, why do you call yourself dad?” Remus asked.

Patton smile, then gave a small giggle. “Isn’t obvious? I mostly act as a father figure to the other sides, so it’s a bit natural to play up the dad role.”

Remus click his tounge. “But Pat, none of us are you’re kids! It would make sense if your acted like a dad after you meet us, but you acted this way before Virgil was alive! Do you have a secret husband that we don’t know about?” Remus rambled.

“ Remus, stop rambling, Patton already answer his question now who-“ Logan started to say.

“Um actually, Patton didn’t technically answer the question, he gave a half-truth, not a full truth.” Deceit interrupted.

“Huh???” Everyone but Patton and Deceit yelled. Patton look sheepishly at the ground while Deciet stared at Patton.

“So time continue the game, Patton you need to tell the truth, the full truth. I know when you are lie so don’t try. Where are your kids, Patton.” Deceit asked.

“ yeah Patton How can you be a dad if you don’t have any kids!” Remus added on. Logan have a hard look at Remus, telling his to knock it off.

Patton stopped smiling.

The room was dead quite. Where was his kids? Patton close his eyes, trying to remember if he even had kids.

Suddenly he remembered two faces. Two young faces of a girl and a boy. The girl was around 10 or younger, she had long brown hair that when to armpits, brown eyes and she wore a pink hair band. The boy taller, he had shorter brown hair and brown eyes. The boy look to be around 12.

He remember created videos and laughing and playing with his kids. He rember loving them and teaching them and caring for them. But what where there names?

Sally? Ben? Haley? Mark? Hannah? Daniel? No matter how are he try to remember his children’s names he couldn’t.

He couldn’t remember. He couldn’t remember. He couldn’t remember. He couldn’t remember. HE COULDN’T REMEMBER.

Patton gave a wet sob. He started to cry. His shoulders shook and he couldn’t see. Panicking, Virgil grab onto Patton arm. The others sides were confused why was Patton crying? Did something happen to their happy dad figure?

“Patton are you ok?” Logan ask as he kneeled in front of Patton. He slowly lifted the crying man’s face, and stared into the man’s eyes.

“Patton, Are you ok? Can you tell us what’s wrong? Are you having a panic attack?” Logan whispered.

Before Patton could replay, he got another memory. He remembers fighting with someone, a women. She had long light brown hair that when to her should blades, pale skin, bright blue eyes, and long legs. The mystery women would wear businesses suits and have a sern face.

But the women seem to love him. She had a wedding ring on. In the memory women wasnt wearing her ring, and in her hands was divorces papers. The women was yelling at Patton about how he was dangerous, stupid, and careless father. The women yelled how he was hurt her children.

Patton remember how he spend the months yelling and fighting with the ex-wife, and how many times he had to go court to fight for custody for his children. Patton was denied full costody, but was given half.

Things we’re getting better after the divorce. Well, it was better for his ex-wife and the kids. They moved two as far as possible for Patton, his ex-wife was reluctant on letting the kids spend tike with their father. But after two years, the two adults found a system that could work.

Everything change after the car crash.

It was a rain April day. Patton was taking the kids back to their mother’s. Patton’s youngest, his beautiful little girl was asleep, and his oldest, his handsome young son was in the passenger seat looking out the window. Patton was pissed. He was angry. After the divorce, Patton changed about his live.

He quite his job and sold his house to live move in town and to work as a bartender. During the years Patton discovered that he was gay. at first Patton paniced, he was heavily religious, what would happen if his church or much worse, his family found out? His family was already angry and disappointed about Patton’s divorce. But over the time after coming out to his family and church Patton slowly found that he could be hisself and to have his religion.

The reason why Patton was so angry right now was because after two years of find and being himself, Patton decided to come out to his ex-wife. It was only far seeing how that she was going to help raise his kids. The only problem was that she was homophobic. His ex immediately got into a fight with Patton, saying how he was going to croupt her children and that it would confuse them.

Now Patton know that he should drive when he was angry, but it was late, the kids had school in the morning, and Patton didn’t have enough money to get a hotel for the night. Patton gave a glance at his son, lately the kids seem withdrawn and tired. The divorce must have been to much for the kids Patton thought. Hopefully Patton would be abel to see his kids next week, if his ex-wife didn’t demand the court to change the schedules.

“Daddy love you sport, you know this right? I love your sister too” Patton gently said, it was hard to talk to his son lately and he wanted to let his son know that he was there for him.

“ yeah dad, I know, [redacted] knows too. I’m just tired for moving place to place” his son replied.

“ well you know sport, if you want you can try living with me or your mother permanently. If that what you want. No pressure.”

“Mm yeah, maybe. I don’t know.”

Before the two could continue talking, the car slid against the wet pavement. Patton jerk the wheel try to keep the car steady, but the car end up flipping and crashing on the road.

Everything even black.

—————-

A month.

One month ago Patton got into a car crash, he and his children were sent to the hospital. His daughter die on impact and his son only lasted halfway to the hospital due to internal bleeding.

In one month, his ex-wife move across country. Never to speak or see him again.

In one month Patton loss his family, both his birth family and his created family.

In one month Patton life became hell.

In one month Patton would rather die then to live without his children.

So Patton did.

Patton swolled a bottle of doctor prescribed medicine and he hung himselve.

Out of two years and one month, this was the happiest Patton was.

———————-

When Patton woke up, he was in a white room. The first think he noticed was that he didn’t have his glasses. The second thing he noticed was that he was a little boy, around 8.

Suddenly there was a little boy that look a lot like him. Or did Patton look a lot like the boy? Anyway the boy walk over to Patton. He had brown hair and eyes. He was wearing a white-tshirt and cargo pants.

“Hi! My name is Thomas! What’s you’re?” Thomas ask as he stood out his hand. Patton shocked it.

“I’m Patton!”

“Hehe that sound like a old man name like a dad!” Thomas laugh.

Patton smile. Was he dead? Or was he a ghost? The little boy could see and touch him so maybe he was in heaven?

“If you want you can call me dad!” Patton reply happy to have a friend.

As the hours when’s by Patton and Thomas played and meet another little boy name Logan. The three of them had lots of fun.

They had so much fun that Patton couldn’t remember how he got here. Why was he here?

Oh well Patton thought. It must’ve not have been important to remember.

[cksmart-world]

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

By Christopher Smart

Dec. 17, 2019

MOSCOW MITCH and THE 'SEE-NO-EVIL' DEFENSE

& BEN McADAMS, GLADIATOR

So what if Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell is coordinating with the White House for President Trump's impeachment defense. Checks-and-Balances is only a theory, kinda like evolution. Another reason it's no big deal is that President Trump hardly did anything wrong. You can't impeach a president for one phone call. And the notion that there was a coordinated effort to coerce Ukraine President Zelensky into investigating Joe Biden and his son is only backed up by 17 witnesses. This is a sham witch hunt — just ask Fox & Friends or Sean Hannity. It's so clear-cut that McConnell and his Republican colleagues won't have to call any witnesses at all during the impeachment trial. What would witnesses say anyway? There was a quid pro quo. Americans don't care about no quid pro quo. And what if the president did say, hey Volodymyr, we've been very good to you, so hows about doing us a little favor and get the Bidens or we won't give you any military aid. The thing is, they got the military aid anyway (once the extortion leaked). And besides, as Mick Mulvaney, Trump's acting chief of staff, said, we do that shit all the time. Just because James Madison wrote that “The structure of the government must furnish the proper checks and balances between different departments,” doesn't mean Republicans give a damn — because, face it, they don't.

ERA: DOA

Here we go again, troublemakers are pushing the Equal Rights Amendment that would make women equal with men under the law. This, of course, spells trouble. It's so bad, in fact, that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, formerly known as Mormons, has weighted in again, holding steady to its earlier position that the amendment would mess things up real bad on account of men are men and women are women. The ERA, as it is known, got a big push in the 1970s by them women's libbers who wanted to burn their bras and wear boxer shorts. But then as now, some of the strongest opponents of the ERA are women. Here are some of their arguments against it: If the ERA is ratified, women will have to use urinals. If the ERA is ratified, women will have to fly Black Hawk helicopters and fight in combat. If the ERA is ratified, girls will want basketball scholarships and forget all about Home Ec. If the ERA is ratified, men can wear pantyhose unapologetically. If the ERA is ratified, women will have to wear crewcuts and Mr. Mac suits. If the ERA is ratified, women will play hockey and knock each other's teeth out. If the ERA is ratified, women will have to operate heavy equipment and whistle at young men during their lunch break. And if the ERA is ratified, women will share the pants in the family. And that's why ERA is Dead On Arrival.

BEN McADAMS, GLADIATOR

The mild mannered man from Utah stepped out of the phone booth carrying stone tablets. Mr. McAdams had got religion and will vote to impeach the false prophet, Donald John Trump, for abuse of power and obstructing Congress. On return from a vision quest where he looked into the eye of the tiger and a campaign of nasty TV and newspaper ads, Ben emerged with his soul intact, despite threats to feed him to the lions if he didn't buckle under like the rest of the Utah delegation. It will rain frogs before Rob Bishop, Chris Stewart, John Curtis and Mike Lee understand their place in history — a portrait of fools giving succor to dark forces that would pitch democracy to the netherworld in exchange for shiny trinkets of gratification. The battles for the spirit of America are not at an end and the gladiator from Utah surely will face an onslaught of righteous infidels seeking to undo him. But whether he wins reelection or not, McAdams will remain a champion. Amen and pass the ammunition.

WHAT PRESIDENTS SAID

 LBJ: Doing what's right is easy. The problem is knowing what is right.

Trump: I'm never wrong.

  Lincoln: America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.

Trump: I'm the best president since Lincoln. Some say I'm greater than Lincoln.

  Reagan: We shall be the shining city on a hill.

Trump: I will order a total ban on Muslims.

  George H.W. Bush: Read my lips, no new taxes.

Trump: No one cares about my taxes except the evil Fake News media.

  JFK: Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.

Trump: Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what you can do for me.

  Bill Clinton: I didn't inhale.

Trump: Stormy who?.

  FDR: The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

Trump: I'm going to scare the bejesus out of you.

Post Script: Throw another yule log on the fire and mix yourself an eggnog, 'cause that's it for another crazy week here at Smart Bomb, where the staff keeps track of Republican prevarications, so you don't have to. Yes, 'tis the season of impeachment and time to consider whether you ought to adjust your medication. But take heart, the end is not here. Just remember, Germany recovered from the Nazis; Rome is thriving today, despite the fall of the empire; and the Buffalo Bills made it to the NFL playoffs. (If that doesn't give you hope, what can?) As the year winds down, Salt Lake City Mayor Jackie Biskupsi is taking victory laps before she leaves office on Jan. 1. Jackie has accomplished a lot — if she does say so herself — but took a lot flak because she's a woman. What other reason could there possibly be? The staff here at Smart Bomb never says bad stuff at funerals and so we will bite our tongues and wish Jackie a fond farewell as she rides into the smog. We'd also like to bid adieu to Jackie's bodyguard, who will now return to regular duty at the Salt Lake Police Department after babysitting her through hundreds of boring meetings. Now there's something to celebrate.

 Well, Wilson, tell the band to put down the eggnog and take us out with a little something for the season of joy: It's coming on Christmas / They're cutting down trees / They're putting up reindeer / And singing songs of joy and peace / Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on... I wish I had a river so long / I would teach my feet to fly / I wish I had a river I could skate away on...

[distractedhistotech]

Before MSA + 1: Vivi Meets Arthur

Vivi had been having a boring day.  She’d been planning on training with her dad, but he’d said someone had scheduled a private lesson so instead she was reading a book of ghost stories outside with Ben next to her.

Vivi was trying to figure out if the story about the silver man with a third eye was true when a short, stout man walked over, sat in one of the porch chairs, and opened a hunting magazine.

Vivi studied the man for a moment.  He looked pretty tough even though he wasn’t that much taller than her.  His body shape sort of reminded Vivi of how dwarves were often portrayed in fantasy series.  Plus she was pretty sure that was a wrestling championship belt he was wearing.  Also, his hair was pretty cool looking.  Orange and yellow with some black thrown in.  It even extended to his beard.  “Hi mister!”

He glanced over the top of his magazine.  “Hey.” Was that an accent she heard?

“I haven’t seen you before.  Are you new?”

“Nah.  Just prefer to keep to myself,” said the man.

He definitely had an accent.  There were some elements of the typical southern accent a good portion of Tempo had, but it also had a lilt that she hadn’t heard from anyone else local. Vivi wondered if she could figure it out if they talked some more.  If not, maybe after a bit of talking she would be able to ask without coming off as rude.  “I’m Vivi. Who’re you?”

“Lance.”

She got a name! “Did you schedule the private lesson?” asked Vivi.  “Dad doesn’t get many of those.”

Lance was silent. “My nephew needs some help.”

That caught Vivi’s attention.  Nephew, not son.  Was said nephew just visiting?  Or was this a permanent situation?  Was it a recent change or had it been like this for a while?  Was there a way to ask without being nosy?  “What’s his name?”

“Arthur.”

Vivi giggled. “Like the king.”

Lance groaned. “Yeah.  The king.”  Huh? Sore point?

A loud thump came from the dojo.  Vivi looked in that direction in surprise.  Wow, what were they doing in there?  Vivi glanced towards Lance and saw him looking in the same direction with a furrowed brow.  Was he worried?

Ben suddenly sat up and looked towards the dojo doors right before they were opened by Hiro. Vivi’s greeting died on her tongue when she noticed that A: He was bleeding, and B: He looked furious. “Dad?”

Hiro’s eyes darted to her before turning his attention to Lance.  “Why does your nephew know how to kill?”

Vivi’s mouth dropped open.  Lance winced, but didn’t seem too shocked.  “That bad?”

“He just…If that knife had been real…”  Hiro frowned and started pressing down on his head wound with a sigh.  “Were you even aware?”

Lance glanced at Vivi. “I only know what I told you before.”

Feeling curious, Vivi peered past her father and into the dojo.  Inside was a boy a bit younger than her who was clearly related to Lance. He was hunched in on himself and looked like he was about to have a panic attack.  He didn’t look like a killer.  He looked like a scared kid.

Ben stood and walked into the dojo.  “Ben?” Ben walked over to the boy, Arthur, and sniffed him.  Arthur blinked and held out a hand.  Ben licked Arthur’s hand before Arthur started petting him.  Vivi debated for a moment before following Ben into the dojo. Arthur stopped petting Ben and looked up at her with wide eyes.  Vivi waved. “Hey.”

“Hi,” said Arthur.

“So…You live with your uncle?”  Arthur nodded.  “I’m kind of surprised you managed to land a hit on my dad.  He’s pretty tough.  Must be getting old.”  Speaking of which, she could hear the two men talking in hushed tones that she couldn’t quite make out.

Arthur looked a bit uncomfortable.  “I didn’t mean to!” he said, an accent similar to his uncle’s coloring the words.

Vivi blinked. “Oh, did you mess up a move?  I do that all the time.”  She huffed.  “I just can’t seem to move correctly when I try to copy what Dad shows me.  I guess I’m just not suited for fighting.”

“You’re lucky,” muttered Arthur.

Vivi blinked. “Huh?”

Hiro walked back in, pressing some gauze to his head.  “Vivi, please step out so Arthur and I may continue the lesson.”

“Can I watch?” asked Vivi.

“Yes, you can. No, you may not,” responded Hiro.

Vivi pouted at her father’s grammar correction and walked back outside with Ben on her heels. Hiro closed the door behind her. Vivi huffed and sat down near Lance. The silence was awkward so she turned towards him.  “So, where did Arthur learn to fight anyway?”

Lance gave her a look. “That’s personal.”

“Okay.” Something about Lance just made it clear that was settled.  “So, where’s Arthur’s parents?”

“Not here.” Once again Lance somehow made Vivi not want to pursue the subject even though she wanted to know.

It was like some sort of mundane super power.

“You guys have pretty cool hair,” commented Vivi.  “How do you get it like that?”

“Gel.”

Vivi waited. Lance didn’t go into detail. “Wait.  That color’s natural?!”

“Yeah.”

How did that even work?!  She guessed the orange to yellow could be the color fading somewhat, but what about the bits that were black?  Especially the end of his beard?  How do you even go from orange to black naturally?  Vivi thought that sort of thing only showed up naturally in anime.

…Actually considering some of the anime hair people came up with, this was pretty tame.  Vivi fingered her own black hair.

Her family’s hair turned blue when their power awakened.  Her father died his hair black to avoid questions simply because he didn’t think he had the personality that would make dying his hair blue believable.  Her Obaa-san’s hair had turned gray before Vivi was born.

Vivi wanted blue hair. She didn’t like the way black hair looked on her, didn’t like how it looked with her clothes.  “I’m thinking of dying my hair blue,” she randomly said to Lance.  Lance gave a grunt in response.  “It’s kind of annoying how limited hair color is in humans, don’t you think?  Mostly black and brown.  Some red and orange and yellow.  I think it would add more color…More eye colors would be nice too. We have more eye colors than hair colors, but it’s still mostly brown I think.  Some blue.  Some green. Hazel.  Gray or purple if you’re lucky.  I guess red if you’re albino.  No orange or…”  She trailed off.  “Actually, your eyes look kind of orange.  Maybe those are just super rare too…”

“Pops up in the family,” said Lance as way of explanation.

Did Arthur have orange eyes too?  Vivi made a note to check when he came out of the dojo because she was definitely sticking around for that.

“So what do you do?” asked Vivi.

“Car mechanic.”

“Oh!”  A couple of things snapped into place in Vivi’s head. “Kingsman Mechanics!”

She’d never been there.  Tempo was just big enough to have three garages.  Two were big chain garages that you could find anywhere.  The last was Kingsman mechanics, which everyone preferred to the other two.  It was a bit out of the way and owned by the only employee, but the work was second to none, and the owner (Lance if Vivi was right.) was willing to do payment plans that other places wouldn’t consider.  Was apparently willing to barter to an extent if someone was in a tight spot.  Even had a junkyard behind the shop that Vivi could only assume was for scavenging or something.  When her father needed to have the car’s oil changed, he’d schedule at Kingsman Mechanics if he could get an appointment and they weren’t too busy.  The way he’d described the owner, he was shorter than most, muscular, no nonsense, practical, and Scottish.

Huh, so his accent must be a combination of Southern and Scottish.  No wonder it was so unusual.  “What got you into cars?”

“…Seemed like a waste of money to buy a car when I could fix one up for myself.”  Lance shrugged.  “Turned out I liked fixing up cars.”

Vivi nodded. “Yeah, it’s lucky to get a job you enjoy.”  She huffed. “I know what I wanna do, but I’ll probably have to get a second job or something.”  Paranormal investigating wouldn’t pay all the bills.

At this point, Baa-san suddenly appeared, walked over, and plopped several ofuda on Lance’s leg. “Put those on your windows. They’ll repel negative spirits.” Lance raised an eyebrow as Baa-san walked back into the house.

Vivi was more surprised by how many ofuda Baa-san had given Lance.  Why would he need that many so suddenly?  If he’d never needed them before…

Unless they weren’t for him.

“What exactly does your grandmother do for a living?” asked Lance.

“She’s a former miko, Japanese shrine maiden, a sort of priestess,” explained Vivi.  “Ofuda are…sort of like charms for luck or protection.”  Vivi took a closer look.  “Like Baa-san said, these are for repelling negative spirits that might try to hurt you. Kind of surprised she just came over and gave them to you.  Usually she asks a bit more about what’s going on.”  Actually, now that Vivi was looking closer, she could see these were ofuda that Baa-san had made, not Vivi, which would make them stronger than what they usually gave out.  “Are you being followed around by something nasty?”

Lance glanced toward the dojo.  Something to do with Arthur?  Lance looked back at Vivi.  “What exactly does your family do?”

“Well, like I said my Baa-san is a former miko, but still does little things out of habit. Dad is a theology teacher at the community college and teaches martial arts.  Mom’s a psychologist.”  Vivi grinned. “But we also occasionally do paranormal investigations.  Not a lot though.  Not much happens in Tempo.”

“Uh huh.”  Lance studied the ofuda for another few moments before stuffing them in his pocket.  So he was keeping them!  “Any other way to keep away ghosts?”

Vivi grinned. “Having a priest bless your house usually helps.  So does burning sage while praying.  Some places sell sage bundled into sticks specifically for that purpose.”

“Hm.”  Lance looked down for several moments.

Vivi opened her mouth to try and ask Lance if anything odd had been going on at his house, but Ben headbutted her in the stomach.  She huffed and gave him a look.  He just yawned.

“Does your dad give religion lessons?” asked Lance.

Vivi blinked. “What?  At home?”  Lance nodded. “I don’t know.  He already has his lectures at the college.”  What did religion have to do with seemingly unnecessary defense lessons and a possible haunting?  “You could probably sit in on Dad’s classes for free if you don’t care about getting credits.”

“It’s not for me.”

Wow, what was up with Arthur?  Before Vivi could ask, the dojo door opened.  Her dad walked out, Arthur following a moment later.  “That’s it for today.  Lessons will be Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.  The lessons on Saturday will be longer since school will not be an issue.”

Arthur looked at her dad in surprise.  Lance nodded. “Thanks.  Was getting worried I wouldn’t anyone.  Any chance you could teach him theology or something?”

Hiro blinked, frowned, and studied Arthur.  Arthur looked away, grasping at his arm.  Hiro nodded. “That might not be a bad idea. Can you bring Arthur after school on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?”

Lance nodded. “I’ll make it work. Somehow.”  He gestured turned, gesturing for Arthur to follow him. Arthur gave the Yukinos one last confused, lost look before leaving as well.

“What was that about?” asked Vivi.

Hiro sighed. “Arthur has had a rough life.  He needs a lot of help if he wants a chance at living normally.”  He turned to Vivi.  “Would you mind sitting in on the theology lessons?  It might help him if someone his age is present.”

An opportunity to figure out what’s going on?  “Sure.”

“And don’t try to push Arthur for answers.  He’s nowhere near ready,” continued Hiro.

Darn it.

[unbearablylight]

11/11/11

ok i got tagged in two of these, one from @shit-she-wrote and another from @carrotgirl-1 (thanks to you both!) so time to answer some questions

1. What’s the first story you remember writing?

i was kinda late to the writing game, and the first big venture into creative writing i remember was running a hunger games roleplay blog, so i had to write the updates on those lol there was also a book i started writing in a similar genre around that time, but i don’t remember much about it

2. How has your taste in books changed since childhood?

umm i mean it’s matured somewhat i suppose, but i’ve always enjoyed a good fantasy or mystery

3. Do you see any similarities to your favorite books in your work? If yes, what are they?

i love a found family, so i like to write about those when i can

4. What sort of music inspires you?

to inspire ideas/creativity, i like music that sounds like it could be used in a movie or trailer, kinda big and epic or with emotional shifts. for actually writing, i need music i don’t know or without lyrics, otherwise i’ll start singing along and get distracted

5. Favorite book?

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

6. Favorite mythology (Greek, Norse, etc.)?

greek is the one i know best, so i’d have to say that. but anything with mythological/religious basis interests me

actually if we’re including “religions” (whatever the distinction between religion/mythology may be), christianity/catholicism is what i was raised on, so i know and like to play off of a lot of that usually

7. Dream vacation?

one someone else is paying for lol

um if i’m going with something new, i’ve always wanted to visit japan

i will also always accept a trip to Disney World

8. Favorite writing snack?

i can’t eat, i need both hands on the keyboard lol (something not super messy i suppose, like blueberries)

9. What tea do you drink the most while writing?

i don’t drink tea whoops

10. Do you have a special writing cup, that you drink tea out of specifically when writing to fill you up with inspiration?

i have this very large mickey mouse mug that i would probably use if i was drinking something hot like that, but again, not a tea (or coffee!) drinker

11. Write your favorite quote from your recent wip!!

*~~warnings for sexual language not great for work or minors probably lol~~*

RYVER: Don’t you pretend to be their boyfriend? MAX: Not like this! Usually I just tell them how special they are to me while pounding their brains out. RYVER: Huh. I would’ve pegged you as a bottom. KAT: You would’ve pegged him as a bottom? RYVER: I stand by my word choice.

and on that note, on to round two!

1. How do you pick character names?

through a long struggle. i hate naming things. honestly it depends on what i’m working on, so sometimes it’s just what sounds good, sometimes it’s to fit a personality, sometimes it’s just keysmashing until something vaguely pronounceable appears

2. Which OC would you like to meet irl?

probably Toph from where things may lie unseen for ~secret~ (spoiler) reasons

3. Sunset or sunrise?

sunset for the colors, but i do enjoy a good sunrise (tho i detest waking up that early)

4. Would you rather explore the deep space or the deep seas?

*chanting* deep space! deep space!

5. What inspired your latest WIP?

so i’m actually currently revamping an old script of mine, and for the life of me i cannot remember what sparked the initial concept for it. but what made me want to go back and rework it was watching Fleabag (which is amazing btw)

6. Happy endings or sad endings?

a mix? i guess. i’m good with either as long as whatever it is is done well

in my own writing i tend to mix them a bit, just because i think life and stories are never quite that simple (at least the stories i tell) so there’s usually some satisfaction amidst devastation

7. Do you believe in ghosts?

i grew up watching Ghost Whisperer (it was like the first Adult™ show i watched) and now i can’t not believe in ghosts

8. What’s the first line from your favorite WIP?

you’re asking me to choose a favorite child?!

for scripts, it’s probably Small Ponds which starts:

EXT. LAKE KINGFISHER - DAY - 2010

The lake is relatively still in the summer afternoon. A bird arcs out of the sky to skirt over its surface.

currently The Vestige of an Unwonted Wind is my favorite novel wip, since it’s the one i’m working on lol. it starts:

The beginning of the end was gentle, a dipping of the toe into a spring of boiling water.

Which, should you come across a pool of bubbling liquid, do proceed with caution, for it is either very hot water or not water at all, and neither offer a pleasant swim.

9. If you could shapeshift into any animal, which would it be?

ohhh this is so tough. probably into some type of bird so i could fly

10. So if you’re heading to a lovely garden buffet, with every cuisine imaginable, and you had free-flowing drinks and a chocolate fountain and desserts galore, and you’re wearing a nice dress or suit, right, and there’s a line in front of the roasted meats area, but you’re drooling and you just can’t wait to bite into that juicy steak so you go–you go to the seafood section, and then you see this person, this person who’s hogging all the lobster, just smiling at you as they keep piling on lobster after lobster, they can’t hold it anymore, they don’t have enough hands or plates, so you help them out, and after you help them out they smile sweetly and ask if you’d care for some lobster.

Who is this person?

first of all i’m obsessed with this question

second of all, i have absolutely no idea lmao i don’t know if i know anyone this into lobster. is anyone this into lobster? are they okay? do they like need to bring 99 lobster to a troll guarding a bridge in order to pass? are they on a quest? can i join them?

11. What’s your favorite line from your favorite OC?

you’re really testing me here, aren’t you?

hmm Ben and Monique from Small Ponds are the children i never stop thinking about so i’ll do a line from each of them

Monique’s:

Any actress worth her salt makes her presence felt long after she’s gone.

Ben’s (with context, but the last line specifically):

DYLAN: If I’m lurking, what do they think you’re doing? BEN: Trying to seduce you. DYLAN: At a funeral? BEN: There’s worse they think I’ve done.

ok from what i’ve heard, this cycle has gone on for too long so i’m not gonna make questions or tag anyone because i think the people i would tag have done this at least once

however! if you haven’t been tagged and are like aw man i wanna answer some of these cool questions, feel free to pick 11 of them and just say i tagged you. i’ll take the fall, that’s a sacrifice i’m willing to make

[optimisticsprinkles]

[CLEAN VERSION] Soul Searching, Ch.31

Sexual situations redacted.

If you’ve read the story until now, you’ll note that sexuality in the past has been referenced but not explicit. That’s the level I’m going for in the clean version, as well.

I’m including a brief non-explicit description when context is necessary.

Original version on AO3 here.

Many thanks to @reyloandotherfandoms for beta reading. :) You rock.

Chapter 31: Opening Remarks

Rey freshened up before she left her room. She ran a comb through her hair, touched up her lip tint, and fixed a smear of mascara from her earlier tears.

She didn’t try to pretend the cosmetic fixes weren’t for Ben, but her motives weren’t remotely altruistic. If he had a reaction to her anywhere close to the one she’d had to him, this afternoon would be torture for him.

She met her own eyes in the mirror and straightened her shoulders like a soldier going into battle.

Ben Solo wasn’t going to get out of this unscathed.

Ben kept touching the tip of his tongue to the wound on the inside of his lip where his teeth had cut into it.

Rey had one hell of a left hook. And a right hook. He’d always supposed she would take advantage of his old punching bag after he left — he knew how cathartic it could be — but he had not thought through the fact that a punching bag would make her better at punching.

Not that he’d expected Rey to punch him when she saw him. He had imagined hundreds of different scenarios, some good and some bad, but he was embarrassed now that he’d been hoping for a warmer reception. The kind that had her arms around his neck and her lips on his and her hands in his hair and his hands under her thighs as she wrapped her legs around his waist and ground herself against—

Shit.

Good thing he was sitting down, he supposed, then decided it was a very good thing when she exited the house and joined Chewie at the grill.

Was she taller? Or had she always been that tall? And had her legs always been that long? Or was it the dress? When she’d punched him, she’d been wearing that stupid billowy graduation robe, and it was a shock to his system to see her out of it and in some wispy thing that more than covered everything while leaving a huge amount of skin on display.

He was staring, he knew, his forearms on his knees as he watched her, but he couldn’t stop.

Lando sank into the chair beside him and gave a low laugh. “You have it bad, kid.”

Ben considered denying it, but there was no point. “Yeah.”

She wouldn’t look at him. She knew he was staring, she had to, because how else would she know where not to look?

He just wanted her to look at him. To look at him and walk over and take his hand and lead him inside and into a back room and shove him against a wall and—

Lando crossed his legs and leaned back, clearly not suffering the same affliction as Ben. “Why’d you take off, anyway, with a sweet girl like that waiting for you?”

“I don’t really feel like explaining myself,” Ben replied. When Lando only looked at him, waiting, Ben huffed an annoyed breath and said, “She was underage, and I didn’t want to be a creep.”

Lando lifted his beer to his lips with an elegant brown hand. “And how’s that working out for you?”

Ben snorted, knowing Lando didn’t expect a reply. They both regarded her, and Ben said, “I can look myself in the eye.” He felt Lando’s dark gaze on him but didn’t turn to look.

“I guess that’s something.”

It was everything.

Ben hadn’t done much in his life that he could point to and say, “I’m proud of that.” But goddamn, this was one of them.

Now if he could only get her to understand.

His mother had said when she picked him up at the airport that Rey didn’t have a boyfriend, but Ben wouldn’t have altered his course if she had. There was a reason that most developed countries had a no-fault divorce law for couples split up by a soulmate connection. The bond was too hard to resist. He’d read articles about couples with soulmates who’d stayed married because of children or religion, but most cases ended with one spouse leaving the other for their soulmate.

Ben had very clearly defined rules about age, but he had zero qualms about stealing from other men. Or, as was more likely in Rey’s case, boys. Ben would have pursued her with brutally efficient focus, and eventually she would have left whatever little prick had been keeping her company.

No, the only person in the way of a life with Rey was… Rey herself.

And she was a challenge he was sure he could surmount.

Unlike the one in his pants.

When it occurred to Rey to be surprised that Luke and Ben were in the same place without violence or drama, she cornered Luke in the kitchen and asked him about it.

Luke nodded and turned the soda he’d been getting from the fridge over in his hands, the mechanical one making tapping noises where it touched the aluminum. “We’ve been talking. We have a ways to go, but we can be in the same room now.”

“Oh,” she said, stunned. She wasn’t sure if she was more surprised that it had happened or that no one had mentioned it to her. Perhaps they hadn’t thought it was any of her business. Thinking about it, they were probably right. It wasn’t any of her business. Except that it had to do with Ben, and he was her business. She tried to wrestle the conflicting emotions into order and found herself left with the aching sense of being left out. “I’m… I’m glad.”

Luke leaned against the counter, his blue eyes on her, and Rey blushed, wondering if he’d read her thoughts on her face.

Instead of comment on her internal battles, he merely said, “I went to see him. We came back on the same flight.”

Of course they had. It made sense now that she thought about it, considering the timing of Ben’s return. Of course they’d traveled back together. A troubling thought occurred to her, and she asked, “You didn’t tell him to come back, did you?”

Luke’s brows rose. “No, of course not. He already had a ticket booked for two days from now. I persuaded him to change it to today.”

Rey frowned. “Oh.”

Luke waited for her to continue, but she didn’t, and he let the moment pass. “I took him to see my father.”

Rey’s eyes widened. “The…”

“The crazy genocidal war criminal. Yes.” Luke examined her expression and glanced out the windows. Rey looked as well, only able to catch the edge of the grill and the people around it.

Luke switched gears. “I talk to my father about my mother sometimes when I visit. Padme. He likes to tell stories about her more now that he’s getting older. He wants someone to keep her memory alive.” He turned his soda in his hands without seeming to realize it, and a small sad smile played across his face. “The Organas told us about her, and everything my father says supports their stories.” He took a deep breath and let it out. “We were robbed when she died. The world was robbed.”

Rey saw the grief lining his face for a mother he’d never even met and felt a peculiar kind of kinship. “What was she like?”

Luke considered his words. “Think of… of the strength of conviction it would take to be a genocidal maniac. The force of personality it would take to see that level of destruction through. To command fear and respect enough to have your commands followed without question.” He looked at Rey, and his blue eyes burned bright. “Now imagine that same level of conviction, that same ability to command, channeled not for destruction but for peace. That was my mother. Her people loved her. They respected her. She was a powerful leader.”

Luke set his soda down but continued to toy with it. After a while, he said, “I told Ben this while we were in Holland, but I think it’s pertinent here.

“A lot of people think a soulmate is your perfect romantic match, but they’re wrong. It’s much deeper than that. A soulmate is the other half of your soul. And I think… when souls get shared across two people, sometimes you’re exactly the same. But most of the time, you’ll be symmetrical in all but a few key points. I think my parents were that way. The same, but my father got all the darkness and my mother all the light. Or maybe they were the same but my father’s environment nurtured the wrong things in him. I don’t know.

“Leia and I are a good example of soulmates who got different qualities. Our strengths are the other’s weaknesses. Together, we complement each other.”

Rey nodded, remembering that Ben had said something similar long ago about his mother and his uncle, before he even knew they were soulmates. “Yin and Yang.”

Luke nodded. “I see a lot of Ben in you. A lot. But you’ve got some strengths that he doesn’t. And he has some you don’t. Weaknesses, too.” He tapped the side of his soda with his mechanical hand. “And I don’t want to be an interfering old man,” he said with a wry look that she thought meant he already considered himself to have interfered, “but once the two of you work out this rift between you… you’re going to be one hell of a team.”

He left her, then, and Rey mulled his words over for a long time before going back out to the busy patio.

Somehow, when the food was ready, Rey found herself maneuvered into sitting at the patio table between Luke and Leia, far closer to Ben than she would have preferred. He was across from his mother, between his dad and Chewie, while Lando lounged in his silk suit on Luke’s other side. Rey mostly talked to Luke so she wouldn’t have to look in Ben’s direction, but that didn’t mean she hadn’t noticed him or that she didn’t feel it in every cell of her body when he looked at her.

Leia turned to him and asked, “So, Ben, how have you kept yourself busy this last year?”

He hesitated, then said, “I wrote a book.”

Rey’s head came up despite herself, and she saw he’d surprised everyone else as well. His eyes flicked to hers before pink flared across his cheeks and he glanced back down.

The others spoke up, ranging from incredulous to curious.

“You wrote a book?”

“What about?”

“Do we get to read it?”

Ben started breaking a ruffled potato chip into crisp clean pieces, the gesture exposing his nervousness. “Ah, no. Nobody gets to read it because it’s complete shit. But… I liked writing it. It was fun. I think it’s something I want to keep doing.”

“You always did like to read,” Leia said warmly.

Han sat back and gestured with his beer. “So that’s what you’ve been up to on your little vacation.”

Ben frowned at Han and set the chip down. “Could you not?”

Han spread his hands and smiled. “Come on, kid. You can’t take a little ribbing?”

“That’s…” Ben shook his head, frustration radiating off of him. “You need to learn when to keep your mouth shut.”

Anger snapped in Han’s eyes. “Maybe I should never say anything at all, would that make you feel better?”

Ben glowered at Han as the latter pushed his chair back and left the table.

Leia sighed and started to push her own chair back.

“No,” said Ben, stopping her and getting up. He wiped chip grease onto his napkin and dropped it by his plate. “It’s unfair to make you clean up our shit.” He shrugged and pressed two fingers to the bridge of his nose, looking tired suddenly. “I need to talk to him, anyway.”

Leia frowned, concern clear on her face. “You know your father jokes when he’s uncomfortable.”

Ben stiffened. “He called it a fucking vacation.”

“Wasn’t it?” Rey asked, eyes on her soda’s condensation as she trailed a finger through it.

The table went quiet, and she knew he’d turned his head to look at her. She didn’t look up, too proud and too scared of what she’d see in his eyes. Her neck felt strained, almost brittle, like it could snap at the slightest touch.

It was not lost on her, and probably not on any of the rest of them, that this was the first time she’d spoken to him since he got home.

When he replied, his voice was deep and gravely with something she couldn’t quite put her finger on. “No.”

Ben found his dad in the garage, sitting in the Falcon with a fresh beer.

Ben stuffed his hands in his pockets and leaned on the van. “You can’t keep doing that.”

Han scowled. “It was a joke. You’re too sensitive.”

Ben shook his head, fighting down a flare of frustration and trying to remember all the things he’d covered with Dr. Statura. He’d made plans for this conversation, but fuck if he could remember any of them. “It wasn’t a joke, and you know it. You can’t keep doing things this way — poking and prodding and then pretending to be surprised when I get offended.”

His dad took a deep swig of beer and climbed out of the van. Ben stepped back to give him room, and Han stood there and crossed his arms and waited. When Ben said nothing, Han jerked one shoulder up. “What do you want me to say, kid? You want me to apologize?” From the way his dad said that last word, it was clear he had no intention of apologizing. At all. “Talk about my feelings? Yell at you?”

“Yes,” said Ben. “All of the above would be good, but just talking to me about why you’re angry instead of…” He ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “Look. You and I have never understood each other. The only things we have in common are flying and a truly astounding level of stubbornness, and we both know it drives mom up the wall.”

His dad tilted his head in agreement.

“I just… the way we’ve handled things up to now hasn’t worked. And, no, I don’t know how to magically fix things or what exactly will work, but… I’m so tired of fighting.”

“Says the kid who ran away.”

Ben gestured. “See? That is what I’m talking about. All you’re doing is trying to piss me off. Why don’t you just tell me why you’re mad?”

He watched his dad examine him through narrowed eyes, could see the wheels in his head turning. His dad was loud and brash and proud. They’d never just talked, they were both shit at communication, but Ben had to try. He was tired of fighting, but it wasn’t just that.

He wanted a better relationship with his father.

“I had to watch that girl cry,” Han said abruptly. “And it didn’t make sense to me, why she had to hurt while you ran off and enjoyed yourself.”

Ben flinched. “I wasn’t ‘enjoying myself.’”

His dad shrugged, and Ben was suddenly angry.

“I was alone. You talk like I was snapping selfies on some fucking beach, but I felt like I was drowning out there, surrounded by strangers and unfamiliar places, and I just wanted to come home and be with her, but I couldn’t, and the only thing that kept me from hating myself was the thought that I was doing the right thing.”

“You hurt her,” his dad started, but Ben cut him off.

“I know that! You think I don’t know that? You think it wasn’t all I could think about for months? That it didn’t keep me up at night? I know I hurt her.” His jaw shifted, and he pressed his lips together to hide their trembling. “I know I should have handled it better. I’ve had a year to consider every single fucking place I went wrong.”

His dad took a swig of beer, his frown more solemn than angry now. “Why did you even have to leave? Why couldn’t you have stayed and worked it out?”

Ben sighed and looked at the workbench standing nearby, the tools in a haphazard order that somehow made sense to his dad. “I wrote all of this down somewhere to help me explain it, but I have no idea where that is, so I’m just going to wing it.” He thought about all his reasons and found the one that would make the most sense to Han Solo. Then he took a deep breath and said, “I didn’t want to be a sexual predator like Snoke.” He held up a hand when Han frowned and opened his mouth. “I know I wouldn’t have been exactly like him, but I assume you can understand my not wanting to be even tangentially associated.” He let out a nervous huff, speaking quickly to shut down the other potential arguments. “Also, yes, eighteen was and is a non-negotiable hard limit, and no, I couldn’t have kept my hands off her for a year, and yes, this is the most embarrassing conversation I’ve ever had in my life.”

Han didn’t speak for a moment. “I dunno, The Talk was pretty bad.”

Ben snorted, recalling his dad’s fumbling, flustered attempt to teach him about sex. “No, this is worse. Trust me.”

The Talk hadn’t forced Ben to admit that he desperately wanted to fuck the girl Han thought of like a daughter.

Ben sighed. “What it boils down to is that I had to choose between a year of torture away from her or the prospect of comparing myself to a monster for the rest of my life.”

His dad picked at the label on his beer. For a long time, he didn’t say anything. “Do you know why I hate talking about Snoke?”

Ben stared at him, thrown. He shook his head. “Because he was a creepy serial killer child molester?”

Han didn’t smile, just kept picking at his beer. “Because it reminds me that I couldn’t protect you. That if I’d put my foot down and kept you at home like I wanted to, it wouldn’t’ve happened.”

Ben looked at his father, at the lines on his face and the grey in his hair, and for the first time in his life he saw how old he really was. “It wasn’t your fault, Dad.”

Han nodded, lips twisting like he was holding onto his stoicism by a thread. “Yeah, well,” he said gruffly. They stood there for a long while, both pretending they weren’t fighting off tears, until Han shifted his weight. “We should probably get back.”

“Okay.” They walked inside together, and Ben glanced at his dad as they approached the patio door. “Listen, I’m trying this new ‘don’t bottle everything up until you explode’ thing, so I’m reserving the right to call you out on being a dick. Fair warning.”

Han snorted. “Sure, fine. So long as I get to call you out when you’re being a dick.”

Ben grinned. “I can live with that.”

Rey was still baffled by how Ben could have talked Han around in the space of fifteen minutes. Lunch had wound down and Leia had sent Han inside to fetch Rey’s graduation gifts. Rey fidgeted as they waited, still not used to accepting presents. The whole process made her uncomfortable.

Han returned pulling a giant rolling suitcase in a lovely shade of olive green, and Rey smiled. She liked practical gifts the best, and Leia seemed to know that.

“For college,” Leia said cheerfully as Rey got up to look at it. “You’ll need luggage when you go. Here, unzip it and there are more bags inside. They stack.”

Rey did as Leia bade, laying the large suitcase flat to find a medium-size version tucked inside. She unzipped that to find a matching green duffel bag folded neatly within.

“Here, lift that out and take a better look at it.”

Rey stopped mid-lift when she saw the long box hidden beneath the duffel bag. Her gaze snapped up to Leia’s, who looked particularly gleeful. “Leia…”

“No arguments,” Leia said because she knew Rey’s difficulty accepting expensive gifts.

Rey had never had her own computer before. She’d been using the one in Leia’s home office for schoolwork and email, but this was… “It’s too much.”

“It’s not top-of-the-line, and that is the only concession I was willing to make. You need a laptop for school, and that one is very reliable.”

Rey felt like crying, but she got up and hugged Leia, then Han. “Thank you, guys.”

“I wanted to get you a fuel-injection system,” Han complained.

Rey grinned at him. “Christmas.”

The uncles gave her money. Luke put his in a thoughtful card, but Chewie just handed her a check. Altogether, she got seven hundred dollars, and the amount made her head swim.

An awkward silence fell as everyone but Rey glanced at Ben.

“IOU,” he said, spreading his empty hands.

Rey put the suitcases back together and zipped them up. “I’m going to put these things in my room.”

Leia kissed Rey’s cheek. “Congratulations, sweetheart. We’re so proud of you.”

It almost made her forget how badly the day had gone.

Rey was washing dishes in the kitchen after lunch when Ben came up and asked if he could dry.

Without looking away from her work, she said, “It’s a free country,” then set her sponge down and started to walk away.

He heaved a sigh. “Rey.”

She turned on her heel and met his eye. “Oh, I’m sorry. Am I not old enough to make my own decisions yet? Is that what this is?” She gestured at the dishwater.

He scowled. “That’s not—” He spread his arms helplessly. “All I said was your name.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “It’s the way you said it.”

He rubbed the heels of his hands over his eyes with a growl. “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”

Rey turned to leave again, but Ben’s warm fingers closed gently around her wrist. She stared at the point where he touched her, her face and body flaring with warmth, and forced her expression into a glare before meeting his eye again.

And promptly forgot what she was going to say.

“I’m sorry,” he said gently, thumb rubbing across the sensitive skin on the underside of her wrist. “I should have done things differently.”

Rey drew a breath into her too-tight lungs and tugged her arm away with more force than was strictly necessary. “Don’t do that.”

He glanced at her wrist and ducked his head. “Sorry.”

“Not that,” she snapped. “Although, yes, that too. I mean the…” She gestured vaguely at his face, which now just looked confused. “The puppy dog eyes.” She folded her arms irritably and looked away. “Don’t do that.”

He blinked, then laughed softly. She glared at him again, and he raised his hands. “Okay, sorry. Sorry. I didn’t realize that was a thing. But I will try not to do the thing I wasn’t aware I was doing. For you.”

She was pretty sure he was laughing at her, but she just rolled her eyes and said, “See that you don’t.”

She retreated to her room and locked the door behind her, then climbed into her bed and guiltily shimmied out of her underwear.

[Rey again does what she set out to do.]

Holy fuck, she thought. If she was going to have to retreat to take care of herself every time she interacted with him… she was screwed.

And not even literally.

Rey made sure her laptop was charging before she guiltily exited her room. The sound of running water from Ben’s old room pinpointed his location, so she wandered toward the kitchen and saw the other men out back shutting down the grill.

She found Leia in the laundry room with a large black duffel bag.

“You're doing his laundry?” Rey observed, leaning against the door jamb and resisting the urge to imagine Ben naked and wet.

Rey shivered, glad Leia was digging through the bag instead of looking her way.

“I offered,” Leia said simply. Then she glanced up at Rey and smirked. “Unless you want to do it.”

Rey grimaced, and Leia laughed.

“Didn't think so.”

They chatted for a bit, and Rey pretended that she wasn’t filing away that Ben wore boxers in a narrow range of dark colors.

Maybe she’d get some fluorescent pink ones and sneak them into his bag just to mess with him. Or maybe something stupid, like smiley faces or a Union Jack or kittens.

It amused her to consider, but then she realized she was thinking about his exasperation when he found them and maybe him wearing them for her, and she needed to shut that line of thought down.

No buying Ben underwear, she told herself sternly.

So when a knock came at the front door, Rey went to get it to distract herself.

“Finn!” she cried, throwing her arms around him. Perfect. She really needed someone on her side right now. The rest of Ben’s family were too happy to have him back. Rey didn’t begrudge them their happiness, but she’d felt a little bit alone because of it.

“I can’t stay long,” he said, hugging her back. “Mom dropped me off while she runs to the store to grab a pie or something for the Ticos.” He let her go and shrugged, following her inside. “She doesn’t want to show up empty-handed.”

“I like your mom,” Rey said as they passed through the house and headed out to the back patio where the men were still drinking. “Have I said that before?”

“Once or twice,” he replied with an easy grin. Rey didn’t miss that his eyes had been scanning their surroundings as they walked through the house. He nodded at Han and the uncles, but Rey led him past them.

“He’s in the shower, I think,” she said softly when they got to a bench swing Leia had purchased after Rey kept taking friends into the back yard. They sat and began to lazily rock, too far away to be heard if they kept their voices down.

“How’s that going?”

She decided to deliberately misunderstand. “His shower? How would I know?”

Finn smiled, but his steady gaze pried a sigh out of her.

“It’s tough.” She wasn’t about to tell Finn she’d masturbated twice already. She was open with him, but that wasn’t the kind of thing they discussed. Ever. “It’s like… I want him to be this huge unrepentant jackass so I can hate him, but he’s not.”

“Yeah?”

She slouched and glowered at a bush. “He tried to apologize.”

“That bastard.”

Rey snorted.

They swung together in silence for a while before Finn stirred and said, “I’m going to have my phone on silent while I’m at Rose’s because her aunts and uncles and grandparents are there and I need to make a good impression, but if something happens or you need to get out of here for a while or something, Rose and I can put together a rescue party. Okay?”

Rey smiled up at him. “I do have a car, you know.”

His brow furrowed. “Oh. Yeah. Right. Well, if you need to talk or something.”

She appreciated it, she really did, but she wasn’t about to distract him from getting in good with the entire Tico clan. “Thank you. I probably won’t, but thank you for offering.”

“Tomorrow,” he insisted. “Call me and let me know how things are.” He made a face and added, “But wait until after eleven. You get up stupid early.”

Rey laughed.

When Finn’s mom finally texted him she was back, they walked together to the front door.

Ben was in the living room playing a game on his phone, one elbow on the arm of the couch and chin propped in his hand. He’d changed from his suit into jeans and a white tee that looked good with his dark hair. He only moved his eyes to look at them but took his chin out of his hand to wave casually at Finn.

Finn nodded stiffly back, then glanced at Rey, and they continued to the front door where he turned and whispered, “Did you want me to be ruder? I wasn’t sure there. Like, if you want me to flip him off or something, I can do that, but I need instructions.”

Rey smiled and shook her head. “Just be you. You’re perfect.” She wrapped her arms around Finn’s waist, and he wrapped his around her back. She grinned against his shirt and tie. “And hey, have fun being picked apart and your every move examined by Rose’s entire family tree.”

“I hate you,” he laughed as he let go and started down the path to his mom’s car.

“You love me!”

He turned to walk backwards and shrugged. “Yeah, I do.”

Ben made himself stay seated as Rey and Finn went to the door. He could hear them laughing, but he knew she wouldn’t appreciate him being a lurking weirdo. Plus, his dad and uncles were coming in from the back yard to gather around the TV and would notice if Ben hovered by the wall and tried to eavesdrop.

And his dad would definitely yell something like, “Whatcha doing there, kid?”

Ben had been more than a little distressed by the fact that he’d come back from showering and changing to find her in the back yard with Finn, but he’d left them alone (after staring at them far too long through the kitchen windows and receiving a knowing smirk from Uncle Lando).

When Rey returned from seeing Finn out, adorably barefoot and more relaxed than he’d seen her since they’d gotten home, she leaned over the back of Han’s chair where his dad sat and draped her arms over him in a pseudo-hug. Ben’s old man patted her arms.

“We were thinking about a movie,” Han said. “Gotta pick something quick, or Leia’ll make us watch something artsy.”

“Can’t have that,” drawled Rey, and Ben wondered if she knew she was presenting her ass to him or if she’d be pissed if she noticed him looking.

He tried to stop, he really did. It was just… Rey. And Rey’s ass. And the strong urge to stand and flip her skirt up and palm it right where his dad and uncles couldn’t see.

Damnit. He shifted in his seat, glad that everyone was focused on the TV and that he’d taken care of himself in the shower. He hadn’t wanted to spend the whole day trying to hide an erection, and now at least he wouldn’t spring to attention quite as fast.

But that didn’t mean he wasn’t affected.

He tried to focus on the others instead of Rey, to mixed success. She kept shifting her hips, and fuck if it didn’t look intentional. But he’d never thought she was a tease, and he knew from experience (just that morning, in fact) that she was more likely to attack her problems head-on than with oblique sexual torture.

But then again, he’d been away for a year. Things could have changed. She could be into both now.

Ben decided to stop overthinking it and just enjoy the view.

Rey retreated to her room before the movie to dig her phone out of her purse and plug it in.

She saw a few text notifications and unlocked her phone to see that Lusica had sent a You go girl! right after Rey had punched Ben, but everything after that was about how well and truly bored Lusica was of her family.

Rey ignored the first text and snorted as she read over the rest. She sent, Better there than here.

Lusica’s reply was almost instant. Like hell. I’d MUCH rather be there watching you and Benny boy dance around each other.

Rey smiled despite herself. Lusica had taken full advantage of being able to call him Ben after he left, citing the fact that he wasn’t a teacher anymore.

Because Rey could tell Lusica things she couldn’t tell Finn, she admitted, I want to jump his bones.

No judgment here. Climb that man like a tree.

Rey laughed and flopped back onto her bed, typing quickly. I’m still mad at him.

Angry sex is supposed to be the best.

Rey rolled her eyes at that, certain nothing would happen anytime soon. He still had some apologizing to do. We’ll see.

Your call. But let me know how big his dick is, please.

Rey smiled. Slut.

A NUN would want to know what that man’s dick looks like.

Rey rolled her eyes and blushed. Whatever. We’re about to watch a movie, I should get back.

I neeeeed this, Rey.

Rey laughed. I’m going now.

I need it!

She turned her screen off and plugged her phone in, then turned to find Ben in the open doorway, those damn eyes of his far too vulnerable.

“Can we please talk?” he asked quietly, gaze flickering to her phone and back.

Rey stood and faced him, crossing her arms. She let him wonder for a moment, let him get his hopes up, then said, “No.” And ducked around him to head to the living room.

Or tried to. He placed an arm in her way, his eyes still pleading with her. “Rey…”

She glared up at him and tried to ignore the fact that her bed was right there reminding her of what she’d done in it not just today but over the entire year he’d been gone. “No. You’ve made every decision so far without me. You can damn well wait until I’m ready to talk.”

He dropped both his arm and his eyes. “Okay.”

She breezed past him with her head held high, wishing he wouldn’t be quite so compliant so she’d have an excuse to yell at him. She glanced back with narrowed eyes when she got to the entrance of the living room and wished she hadn’t.

Goddamn puppy dog eyes.

Frustrated, she swept away and threw herself irritably into one of the single-occupant chairs because she didn’t put it past him to try and sit with her.

And there was no way she was going to let that happen.

Rey went for another soda during intermission, and she stopped on her way back when she heard Leia’s voice coming from the laundry room.

“…think it would be best.”

“No, it’s fine,” said Ben, accompanied by the sound of the dryer opening. “I get it. And I think you’re right, she’d probably be more comfortable if I weren’t here.”

Rey flattened herself against the wall and fought rising panic. If he wasn’t here? What did that mean? She didn’t want him to leave; she’d been pissy, sure, but she didn’t fucking want him to leave.

“Thank you, sweetie,” said Leia. “I know it’s inconvenient. Another time, you’d be welcome to stay overnight, but given the circumstances…”

Overnight. Rey latched onto the word. Leia wanted him to leave for the night.

To her surprise, she found she didn’t like that idea, either.

The sound of clothes being moved over. “Really, mom, I don’t mind. She deserves to feel comfortable in her own home.”

Silence, and the sound of a dial turning.

“It’s your home, too, Ben,” Leia said softly.

“I know,” he said, just as soft. “But I don’t live here anymore. She does.”

“I just don’t want you to feel unwelcome.”

A low laugh. “Mom, it’s fine. Seriously. It’s not like you’re telling me I can’t come back, I just can’t spend the night. That’s reasonable.”

No, it wasn’t. Rey fought the heavy thumping of her heart, the sick worry that settled into her stomach. She didn’t want him to go, not for the night and not ever.

The dryer door clanged closed and a moment later it rumbled to life. Rey edged closer to the door, unable to help herself.

“It’s just that she’s been through a lot.”

“Yeah,” he murmured on a sigh. “Yeah. I know.” Silence, then, “I’m glad that you’ve been there for her. You and dad. It means… it means a lot.”

Someone sniffled, and Leia’s voice came out thick. “We should have been there for you, too. When you were younger. I should have—”

Shushing noises, and Rey started to back away, but Ben’s voice made her stop.

“You were there for her. That means more to me than anything. I don’t think I could have survived this past year if I didn’t know she had you watching out for her.”

“We love her,” said Leia.

His reply was too quiet to hear over the dryer.

As Rey retreated to the living room with her soda, she couldn’t help feeling like she’d missed something important.

The fact that Ben wasn’t spending the night continued to bother Rey all through the movie. She tried to tell herself it didn’t matter, but it seemed that her responsible inner voice had decided to take a nap ever since she saw him at graduation. She’d been running on pure emotion and instinct ever since.

It was exhausting.

Luke sat on the sofa with Leia and Ben, and Han had his usual chair. Chewie had pulled another chair around for himself — the one Ben used to sit in and do his grading before he left, the one she still thought of as Ben’s chair.

Lando had begged off, saying he had some work to do for Monday. He’d congratulated Rey and bowed over her hand with a smile, then did the same with Leia’s (with far more flourish), and bade them all goodbye.

Luke fell asleep soon after they started the movie back up. Rey glanced back when she heard a slight snore and saw him with his arms crossed and his chin slumped onto his chest.

Leia caught her eye and smiled, laughter twinkling in her eyes.

Rey smiled back, trying not to notice that Ben’s eyes were on her, and turned back to the movie.

She didn’t want him to go.

For a moment she wished everyone else would just leave so she could crawl into his lap. Not to kiss him but just… to be close to him. Just for a minute.

She really wanted that.

Rey shifted in her seat, frustrated by the fact that she was now imagining what he might do if she crawled into his lap. Her skirt covered most of her thighs and fluttered around her knees, so her skin touched the leather of the chair in several places. She worried about leaving a damp spot when she stood up and shifted again.

I am not going to sneak off to my room again, she told herself sternly when the urge popped up. I have some self-control.

She ignored the multiple examples just that day of her lack of self-control and curled up in the chair, settling her popcorn against her stomach, her head on the arm. She focused on the movie, and gradually the needy demands of her body eased.

As she lay there, warm and safe, the day caught up with her, and she nodded off.

When Rey stirred, she found that the movie had ended and someone had draped a blanket over her. Probably Leia, but she couldn’t help imagining Ben.

She glanced toward the couch as she sat up.

Empty.

Rey started to tremble. She threw off the blanket and got up, terrified that he was gone, that it was too late to ask him to stay, too late to touch him and be held and…

She stumbled toward the kitchen, where the light was on and low voices came from the direction of the breakfast table.

Rey clung to the edge of the doorway and nearly sagged in relief when she saw Ben there with his parents.

He saw her before Han or Leia did, and she jerked back, breathing hard.

The old pain returned, and she went to her room and dropped onto her bed and cried.

A few minutes later, she grabbed her phone off the charger and texted Leia with shaky fingers. Don’t let him leave. Don’t mention me, but please don’t let him leave.

She checked her other texts. One from Finn checking in. She sent him a thumbs up emoji. Another from Lusica which was just an eggplant and some sweat drops, which made Rey smile and shake her head.

Stalwart companion and horny bitch, she thought wryly, sending an eyeroll emoji back.

Her phone Ta-dinged. Leia.

Are you sure?

Rey took a deep breath and wrote, Yes.

A few seconds that felt like years before ellipses appeared to indicate Leia was typing.

Okay.

Rey sighed, relieved, and went to wash the makeup off her face, looking at her damp freckled skin in the mirror when she was done. She wasn’t sure what exactly it was she was looking for. Maybe that thing that had made Ben write that he wanted her.

Whatever it was, she didn’t find it.

It was late enough that she considered changing into her pajamas, but she looked nice in this dress and part of her wanted to keep looking nice. Maybe it was weak of her, maybe it was vulnerable, maybe it was contradictory, but she wanted Ben to notice her.

She fetched her phone and typed, Is it normal to want to kiss someone you also want to push off a cliff?

The ellipses appeared after a minute, and then Lusica’s reply came through. It’s how you feel, so it’s normal. More ellipses. And you already punched him, so get to the kissing. I need to live vicariously through you.

Rey snorted. Her fingers hovered over the screen, and then she typed, I’ll keep you apprised.

Rey left her phone on the nightstand and wandered back out toward the kitchen. Han and Leia were in the living room, discussing whether to watch something or pull out a board game. They let her know that Luke and Chewie had both gone home after the movie and hadn’t wanted to wake her to say goodbye.

Rey entered the kitchen and peeked at the breakfast table, but no one was there.

Light and movement came from the laundry room. On impulse, Rey slipped inside and shut the door behind her, heart thumping hard as Ben stopped mid-fold to stare at her.

“You have one minute,” she said, leaning against the door and folding her arms, heat flaring in her cheeks as she tried to pretend she’d had a plan before walking in there. “Talk.”

He just stared at her, wasting precious seconds, before swallowing and setting the item in his hands down — a hooded sweatshirt. He rubbed his palms on his jeans and said, “I love you.”

Rey’s head jerked, her chin lifting half an inch, and she stared at him. Her heart filled so fast and so hard that it hurt, and she couldn’t tell if the joy or the pain was more real, but she’d come to trust pain. It was more honest.

He glanced around them and his mouth pressed and trembled the way it did when he was overcome with emotion. “I didn’t intend to tell you while surrounded by laundry,” he said, gesturing in an all-encompassing way at the dirty clothes still in his bag and the folded things on the dryer. He ran a hand through his hair and blew out a breath. “But, I don’t know, it seemed like something I needed to say first. Before anything else.”

Rey nodded minimally, attempting to keep her expression impassive.

His jaw shifted, and he swallowed. Put his hands in his pockets. She could see a reddish bruise on the underside of his jaw. It matched the much more obvious one at the corner of his mouth, and she felt a twinge of guilt. “Luke and I talked about the nature of soulmates. It started in letters, but we talked a lot more when he came to see me. He said something that hit me pretty hard. See, I was thinking about my leaving like… you were a kid, you weren’t my girlfriend, you weren’t… in a position where I had to pass everything by you. We weren’t together, I didn’t need permission, and that was supposed to make it easier, simpler. But what Luke said was… soulmates transcend romance and even family. They’re deeper than all of that. And I realized… I was thinking about it wrong. I thought of you as an individual apart from me, but you became a fixture of my life the moment we sparked. So I should have included you.” His mouth worked for a moment. “I doubt there’s anything you could have said that would have made me stay, but I should have let you in, told you everything, let you say whatever you needed to.”

“I couldn’t have made you stay,” she repeated slowly, unfolding her arms.

He shrugged, and that infuriated her. “Maybe I would have stayed a little longer. Tried to see if I could do it. If we could do it, together. But—”

She bristled. “But you left. Do you have any idea what that did to me?”

He looked like he wanted to say something but thought better of it. Instead, he looked helplessly at the laundry as if it held the answers. “Tell me, then. Make me understand.”

She clenched her hands and unclenched them. “My parents left me. Suddenly. Without an explanation. And then you came along and did the exact same thing.” She balled her hands into fists until her nails bit into her palms, and her eyes filled. “They never came back.”

He opened his mouth, but she shook her head. She wasn’t finished.

“I didn’t know if you were going to come back, Ben. I really didn’t. My own parents thought I was trash they could throw away, so why wouldn’t you?”

He flinched at that.

“You’re here, but what’s to stop you from running away when things get hard again?”

He considered her, his gaze solemn. Eventually, he asked, “Did you want an answer to that?”

She shrugged, the tears spilling down her cheeks.

He ran a hand through his hair and looked at the washing machine. It was open, and he’d obviously just finished a load. His lips twisted, tugging at the bruise, and he fixed her with those intense eyes of his. “You’re talking like I wanted to leave. I didn’t. I just didn’t see any better option.”

“Than abandoning me?”

He took a step closer, brows coming together. “You wanted an answer. I’m giving you one. I’m not your parents, Rey. I left you in good hands, I gave you a reason — a crappy one, yes, but a reason — and, yes, how I left should have been handled better, but I kept in contact, and I fucking came back. So don’t fucking compare me to them.”

Rey felt her eyes widen, and if she didn’t have a door at her back she would have retreated a step.

Well.

Okay, then.

His expression softened. “I get that your parents screwed you up. I get being screwed up. And I am so fucking sorry that I stirred all of that shit up. I really am. No qualifiers. I am so sorry about that.”

She struggled not to tremble, the tears flowing freely now.

He took a deep breath. “I love you. I loved you. And I wasn’t honest with you. I didn’t trust you. I’ve given you very few reasons to trust me, and I know it’s going to take time to rebuild that. But I didn’t leave because I wanted to hurt you. I left because I wanted to keep you safe.” His mouth worked and his eyes turned wet, but it didn’t dim his intensity. “From me.” He stepped forward again and leaned in, placing one hand on the door beside her head. Rey fought a shiver. She’d forgotten how big he was. “But you want to know why I’m never going to leave again? Because of you. Because I never want to be away from you another fucking second for the rest of my life. And the only thing that will ever make me leave again is if you tell me to. If you need time for college, if you need time for yourself, I’ll give it to you. You only have to ask. But if you don’t—” He leaned further in, close enough she could feel his breath on her upturned face, close enough she could see how his eyes flickered to her lips and then back up. “I’ll follow you to the ends of the earth.”

Rey lost her breath, caught by the absolute conviction she saw in his eyes. When he said that, he believed it, and she found herself wanting to believe, too.

She came slowly back to herself and shifted sideways out from between him and the door. She wanted to say something but didn’t know what, so she just reached for the doorknob.

Ben stepped back to let her open it, but she felt his gaze burning into her as she slipped out of the room.

Ben did his laundry in a daze after Rey left, overwhelmed by having her in his proximity, talking to him, looking at him. He thought about their conversation, picked over it, wondered if he’d made things worse.

Maybe he should have been more penitent, but he wasn’t going to lie or pretend. And he wasn’t inclined to be a doormat. Neither was Rey, and he loved that about her. Respected it.

His soulmate had a core of steel.

And, it seemed, fists of steel.

He touched his tongue to the wound on the inside of his lip. He’d been prodding it throughout the day, unable to help himself. He didn’t hate her for hitting him. Didn’t even blame her, really. It had pissed him off in the moment, but he thought it was something she’d needed to get out, and if anyone could understand the overwhelming need to hit something…

Ben wasn’t one to throw stones.

They would talk about it, but not yet. They had more important ground to cover, and he didn’t get the impression that she was itching to hit him again.

So that could wait.

The applause when she’d hit him had been unexpected but shouldn’t’ve been. She’d punched him in front of people who’d enjoyed the drama and bloodsport he and Rey had provided ever since they’d sparked.

It made him so fucking glad he’d quit. After the incident with Thomas, the administration had been relieved when he’d called to resign. They hadn’t said it, but he knew they’d been worried about Thomas suing the school. They would probably have fired him if he hadn’t already been leaving the country. He was, frankly, surprised they hadn’t fired him in his first year, the first time he’d destroyed school property, but he thought that had had a lot to do with who his mother was. He wasn’t so naive as to think the administration liked him enough on his own merit to let him get away with that shit. And though he hadn’t ever intentionally used his mother as a crutch, he’d always known his connection to her had propped him up.

So, when he’d left, he’d emailed all of his remaining lesson plans and tests so that the sub wouldn’t struggle. It had been the least he could do after not giving his two weeks notice.

He did wonder if any of his kids from the robotics club had clapped. Stynnix probably had. It seemed like something she would do, if only because she loved drama. But Ben found himself oddly unsettled by the thought of Finn or Rose or Connix clapping and cheering with the rest of the mob.

Maybe they hadn’t clapped. They’d never struck him as bloodthirsty, and he’d seen plenty of kids in the crowd who’d been looking at their peers in confusion or disgust.

He didn’t care that the little shits from his classes had almost certainly been the loudest and most enthusiastic. He’d hated them as much as they’d hated him. Of course they would have loved it, and that was irritating, sure, but he’d have been amused if those bastards had been slapped around by someone half their size, so it evened out.

But it did bother him to wonder if his kids had clapped.

That stung.

Ben finished putting a new load in and folding what he’d gotten out of the dryer, and then he went into the kitchen and looked outside, peering into the quiet green. He could make Rey out in the hammock across the yard, all bare arms and legs, but she wasn’t close enough to see him.

Part of him still sounded alarm bells at the sight of her. She looked so young. But he knew that there had to be a point when he stopped pushing her away, stopped treating her like she couldn’t make her own choices, and that point had always been eighteen. He might still fight with himself over lingering concerns, but it wasn’t his job to protect her from himself anymore.

He wasn’t entirely sure how to explain it if she didn’t understand what would have been so bad about him messing around with a seventeen-year-old. He could tell his dad still didn’t get it, even after their talk. Han wasn’t exactly prone to following rules in the first place, and to him legal was good enough.

At least he seemed to accept that Ben hadn’t run off for the fun of it.

When Ben was a teenager, he’d run away because he’d been hurt and angry and wanted to hurt his parents. To make them pay attention to him, to acknowledge his pain and their role in it.

With Rey… he’d been afraid. Afraid of himself and his demons. Afraid of her.

He’d had almost nothing but introspection to keep him company this year, and he’d come to the conclusion that things would have been less traumatic for Rey if he’d been honest with her from the start and had set clear boundaries. He might still have had to leave, but she would have known why instead of whatever garbled shit he’d given her at prom when his hand had been hurting like a motherfucker and his brain had been muddled by rage and need and terror.

Making impulsive decisions on painkillers for a boxer’s fracture had probably not helped. He’d been slightly high when he’d called his mother and babbled at her while packing a bag after he’d booked a ticket to Europe. To his mother’s credit, she’d tried to calm him down and make him think about what he was doing, but he’d been convinced that leaving had been the only way.

He was still convinced it had been necessary, but everything before his leaving had been a problem. The problem, really. His worry that telling her the truth would push things further and faster down the track had instead built to a truly spectacular trainwreck. With multiple casualties.

His leaving might still have opened a rift between them, but it wouldn’t have been as wide.

Probably.

Maybe.

And maybe he shouldn’t have snapped at her about lumping him in with her parents, but it had pissed him off. He knew it had hurt her, and he felt like shit that he could have spared her pain by being… better. At communication, at being an adult, at being a soulmate, at being a person, but her parents were pieces of shit who’d left a kid — their kid — by herself in the most selfish and destructive way possible.

Ben might be a piece of shit, but he wasn’t her parents. He hadn’t left her unprotected, friendless, and alone. He hadn’t left her wondering where he was or if he’d ever come back — though it had fucking gutted him when she’d said she hadn’t known if he was going to come back. He’d told her he would. He’d meant it. And he’d done it.

But he did have to be a man and face what his failures had done to her, the breaches of trust and wounds he’d reopened.

So he would.

Leia came out to tell Rey they were queuing up another movie. “I told him he could stay the night. He didn’t want to, so I said I’d cleared it with you. Is that okay?”

The hammock creaked as Rey shifted. Leia’s phrasing didn’t make it sound like it’d been Rey’s idea, and that was what she’d been worried about. “Yeah. Thanks.” She blushed, feeling awkward that she’d asked Leia to do this for her, and dismounted the hammock, which tried to keep hold of her skirt, but she quickly tugged it back into place. “I just…”

Leia stopped her with a hand to her arm and a gentle smile. “You don’t have to explain. I understand.”

Rey expected that she did.

When they entered, Ben was leaning against a counter, looking at his phone again. Rey caught sight of a row of yellow letter tiles and a colorful board before he glanced up.

She frowned and moved closer. “Are you playing Words With Friends?”

His eyes tracked her, but she ignored him and focused on the device in his hands. His murmur was low but mild. “You didn’t think I gave up Scrabble altogether, did you?”

“You two make the popcorn,” said Leia.

Wait, what?

Rey whipped around, but Leia was already out of the room.

Ben moved, and she turned back to find him pocketing his phone and reaching for the cabinet with the popcorn. “She is not as subtle as she thinks she is,” he rumbled.

He handed Rey a bag of popcorn, which she opened and placed in the microwave. She felt his eyes on her, calculating.

“I played against my mother while I was away. And others, mostly random matches. A few with Uncle Luke. He has a different vocabulary than mom, but it’s just as decimating.”

Rey dug in the fridge for a bottled water. She didn’t know if Han would want another beer or not — he’d been slowly building up his blood alcohol all day and might be at his limit. On holidays, which Rey supposed today counted as, he liked to get just shy of tipsy. She got him a soda to be safe, and another for Leia.

Ben could get his own damn drink.

He’d said he wasn’t like her parents, and she’d thought about that in the quiet of the hammock. So when she straightened to set the water and soda on the counter, she also straightened her spine. “You’re not my parents, but your leaving felt the same.”

A moment of silence as the microwave hummed along and popcorn began to crack into being. Rey steeled herself to look at him, a little surprised at how close they were. She had to look up at him, and he had to look down at her, his eyes so big and sad that she almost wanted to hug him to make him feel better.

“I get that.” He glanced toward the microwave and kept his voice down so they wouldn’t be heard from the other room. “There’s a lot I probably could have done to prevent that, or mitigate it. You didn’t need to go through it, and you definitely didn’t deserve it.”

Rey felt grief pull at the corners of her mouth. “But you wouldn’t have stayed.”

He only looked at her, his eyes sad.

“How am I supposed deal with that?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know. But I’m here to help, if you need me.”

She gave a humorless laugh. “Yeah, now you are.”

He spread his hands. “What do you want me to say, Rey? That I’m sorry I removed myself from a situation I was in no way emotionally capable of facing? That, more likely than not, would have resulted in me taking advantage of a girl ten years my junior? Even without my Snoke issues — and we can go over all of those if you want — you needed a chance to find out who you were without me. In a healthy environment.” At this last, he gestured to the kitchen, the motion encompassing the house and his parents in the next room.

Rey narrowed her eyes at him, his patronization astounding. The mention of Snoke had almost been enough to keep her silent, but that last little bit had pushed all the wrong buttons. “Yes, please, tell me more about all the decisions you made for me.”

He huffed a sigh. “Rey…”

She crossed her arms and put her weight on her back foot, shifting a few inches away from him. “There’s that tone again. Do you think I’m being unreasonable, Ben?”

She saw the calculation on his face, the suspicion that things would go very badly for him if he said yes. But she also saw the urge to say yes, and that pissed her off further.

“You are such an asshole,” she snapped, then turned and marched into the living room.

He followed. “I didn’t even say anything!”

“You didn’t have to!” she yelled back.

Han and Leia, who were on the couch together, started laughing.

Rey blinked at them, puzzled and annoyed.

“Sorry,” said Leia, covering her smile with a hand.

Han grinned and slung his arm along the couch behind his wife. “You sound exactly like us, when we were your age.”

“Huge fights,” Leia said, nudging her husband in the ribs. “Screaming matches, really.”

“You loved me,” Han said smugly.

“You were obnoxious,” she replied.

Han looked between Ben and Rey and said, “That wasn’t a no. You both heard it, you’re my witnesses.”

Leia rolled her eyes and leaned against her husband. “You keep telling yourself that.”

They made a pretty picture of domesticity, and Rey felt embarrassed for having quarreled with Ben in front of them.

She went back into the kitchen, jerking her head for him to join her, and led him into the backyard. There, she folded her arms. “Okay. Clearly, I don’t like that you left. And you’re not going to apologize for it.” She glanced up from under her lashes, hoping he would contradict her, but he only shook his head minutely.

“I’m sorry for the way it went down,” he said softly. They stood silently for a moment, and he looked at her training dummy, his pensive expression lit by sunlight only just beginning to slant into golden evening. His tone changed, became solemn and distant. “You know… Luke is the only person who told me I was doing the right thing.”

Rey frowned at him, thrown by the abruptness of the declaration. Did he expect her to change her mind based on Luke’s opinion? Was that what this was?

Ben swallowed and shook his head as if to clear it. “Statura doesn’t make judgment calls, just sort of asks questions until you figure out your own answers.”

Rey nodded warily. Her therapist did the same thing.

“And my mom… she’s so adamant about not getting into the middle of… of us that she hasn’t really said anything about it.”

Rey glanced at the house, thinking about Leia and trying to see her actions through this new lens. “Is that why she didn’t tell me you were arriving today?”

He considered it. “Maybe. Or maybe she didn’t want to spoil your day.”

Rey sighed. “Well, good fucking job there.”

Ben laughed at that, and the sound made her feel warm. He still had a slight smile when he continued, his bruised mouth more obvious with the sunlight highlighting it. “Dad obviously thought it was dumb. He’s very black-and-white sometimes. If I didn’t want to… you know… then I should’ve just kept my hands to myself. Simple.” He kicked idly at the flagstones and shook his head, mouth grim. He clearly didn’t think it would have been that simple. “But Luke said he thought I was doing the right thing.” He shrugged, and Rey recognized in the motion that he was trying to downplay how much it meant to him.

It struck her for the first time how few people Ben had in his life. He’d just mentioned every person who would have had any contact with him while he was gone.

Four people. Five, including her.

And one was his therapist.

He didn’t have any friends to tell him everything was going to be okay, to get him through the day. And, yeah, he’d brought that on himself, but… it made her sad. He didn’t have a Finn to keep him from getting too down on himself, or a Lusica to tell him his feelings were valid even when his emotions were at war, or a Rose to slap him in the back of the head when he needed it.

He hadn’t even had his own mother for most of that year, except for phone calls and game apps, and Rey felt a pang of guilt at having kept Leia away from her own son.

Leia had gotten Rey through some very dark nights, but Ben had had to face his alone.

“Was it very bad?” she asked softly, turning her face down so he wouldn’t see the tears. “Being out there on your own?”

She felt his eyes on her, but she couldn’t look at him.

“It wasn’t easy,” he said softly. “But knowing I was doing the right thing — believing that — it helped.”

“And if you ever stopped believing that?”

“If I stopped believing it was the right course, I would have come home sooner. But I didn’t.”

“You could have.”

He didn’t say anything, so she glanced at him, and the motion jostled a few tears loose. He was watching her solemnly, as if he wasn’t quite sure what she was trying to say.

She could feel her heartbeat in her throat. “You could have come home sooner. You waited until now, but… you wrote… I mean, you made it sound like… like it was hard to stay away. But you didn’t come home on my birthday.”

He frowned, his eyes a warm toffee brown as the scents of summer curled around them, fresh cut grass and traces of smoke and barbecue still clinging to the grill. Carefully, he asked, “Did you want me to?”

She gripped her elbows, feeling vulnerable. “I thought you might.”

Concern creased his brow. “You should have said something. I would have. I just… you were so upset about your finals last year, I didn’t want to distract you. I knew how much MIT mattered to you.”

“Well, I’m probably not going to get in anyway,” she said, her voice breaking.

Ben made to step forward, then hesitated and asked, “Can I… do you want a hug?”

She sniffled and shook her head, not quite ready to touch him yet. She might break apart if he put his arms around her, and she didn’t know if she would be able to put the pieces back together. “No. But thank you.”

He nodded and stayed where he was. Watching her.

Rey rubbed her tears away with the heel of her hand and turned toward the house. “What awful movie do you think your parents picked?”

He followed her inside, and for the first time in a long time Rey didn’t feel like her world was askew.

To Rey’s surprise, Leia had talked Han into the new “Wonder Woman.” She hadn’t anticipated that Leia might like superhero movies, but once they settled in with snacks (no one felt like eating dinner after their late lunch), Rey realized why Leia had wanted to see it. It had triumph and pathos and plenty of strong women who could kick ass.

Leia smiled when they paused for a bathroom break and more snacks. “I love that General Antiope is played by the actress from ‘The Princess Bride.’”

“Really?” said Rey. She hadn’t recognized her.

“Mhm. Robin Wright.”

“She’s good in ‘House of Cards,’” Ben said, coming back from the kitchen with a bag of ruffle chips and tub of dip. He offered some to Rey, and she grabbed a handful and started to munch. She was sitting on the opposite end of the couch from him, while Han and Leia sat in their usual chairs, but Rey was on the side Ben used to sit on. It threw her a little bit.

Ben opened the dip and held it out, and she dragged a chip through it and sighed when she put it in her mouth.

He smiled, bemused. “I forgot how much you like food.”

She stretched to get more dip as he sat down. “I love food.”

“Mm,” he murmured, gaze flickering over her. “You’ve gained some weight.”

She arched a brow at him, and Leia put her hand over her face as if she couldn’t believe her son’s stupidity. Rey considered it, though. His tone of voice had been… pleased.

He seemed to realize that the two women were just sitting there, not saying anything, and a spark of panic lit in his eye. “I didn’t mean…”

Rey got to her knees and stole the bag of chips to grab another handful. She handed it back with a reassuring nod. “I know what you meant. It’s fine.” She reached to drag a large chip through the dip and put the whole thing in her mouth, silencing her for a moment as she broke it with her tongue and chewed. When her mouth was clear, she said, “I did need to gain some weight after Plutt’s.”

Leia glanced back at them and raised a brow at Ben. If Rey read the look correctly, Leia was letting her son know he’d gotten off easy. It made Rey both want to smile and frown. She didn’t see any reason to get angry about a comment he hadn’t intended as an insult.

When she leaned across the middle cushion to get more dip, he leaned toward her and whispered worriedly, “You know I think you’re beautiful, right?”

She looked up at him, frozen at the furthest point of her reach, and slowly shook her head no. He had never called her beautiful. Not even in his letters.

He took a deep breath, his eyes still on hers. “I do. Very much.”

Rey felt a flare of insecurity and whispered back, “What about Paige?”

He looked so confused that she almost laughed, and then his expression cleared. “Paige Tico?” he whispered, incredulous. “Are you still mad about that?”

Rey shrugged and looked at him expectantly.

Ben blinked and shot a glance at his mother, who suddenly got up and went to see what was keeping Han. Rey felt embarrassed for a second that their whispering probably hadn’t been as quiet as they’d thought, but Ben’s eyes were intent on hers and his chest rose and fell faster than usual, and his gaze dropped to her lips. He flushed and jerked his gaze back to hers. He seemed to chew on his words for a moment. “I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about you. And definitely not Paige Tico. I mean, she was nice and all, but… you’re you.” He shrugged helplessly and licked his lips, wetting them.

Rey wanted to lick those lips for him.

“I didn’t even have a type until we sparked.”

Rey stared at him, eyes wide and heart thumping, and he caressed her with his eyes from head to toe and back.

His chest expanded. “You are the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Rey was going to kiss him. She was just about to sway forward when she was saved by Han calling, “We’re coming in! You can stop making out now!”

They jumped apart and turned as one to glare at the doorway, but it was Rey who said, “Shut up, Han,” when Ben’s parents entered.

Han raised his brows at her, then threw back his head and laughed. Leia smirked, and Rey caught Ben giving her an odd look.

From then on, Rey tried very hard not to accidentally touch Ben when she reached for more chips, and he moved the dip to the cushion between them so that she wouldn’t have to stretch as far. She felt hyper-aware of him, and it didn’t help that he looked at her almost as much as he looked at the movie.

If their fingers brushed, she wasn’t sure it wouldn’t turn into a caress, and Rey wasn’t quite ready to expose just how badly she wanted him.

Not yet.

Rey checked on her new laptop after the movie and found it charged. She turned it on and was in the middle of updates when Ben knocked on her open door and poked his head into the room.

“Hey,” he said awkwardly when she turned. “Um, my mom said I could stay the night here, but I didn’t know if you’d be comfortable with that.”

Rey shrugged and focused on her laptop, attempting nonchalance. “It’s fine.”

“You’re sure? I know she asked you if it was okay, but it can be hard to say no to her.”

“Stay if you want to,” she replied, still not looking at him. She had a brief vision of herself having to grab him to keep him from going to a hotel and how embarrassing that would be, so she added, “Your old room is still there. I didn’t even wreck it.” She tossed a glance over her shoulder. “You’re welcome.”

He smiled, and Rey turned back to her laptop as her heart flipped over. “Thanks for that.”

She shrugged. “I’d never do that to Leia’s property.”

His voice turned wry. “So thoughtful.”

She didn’t hear his footsteps retreating, so she glanced back over at the door. He was still there, looking at her room. It was different than it had been a year ago. She’d put posters on her walls and had stacks of books jumbled on a shelf and a desk crowded with potted plants in front of her window, at which she now sat. Her laptop was settled into a spot she’d cleared for it, but there were traces of dirt and water spots where it sat.

She had photos on the walls of herself with friends and with Ben’s family, printed and framed for her by Leia even though Rey had most of the same images on her phone.

She even had new bedding in earthy tones with plenty of green, different from the pristine ivory set Leia had chosen when this had just been a guest room.

He was huge in her doorway, and she noticed that he didn’t actually enter the room. He hadn’t earlier, either, though he’d blocked her path.

The white t-shirt looked a bit loose on him, and Rey noticed that he seemed just as underfed as he had in Leia’s Christmas photo.

“How much have you been eating lately?” she asked, frowning.

He slid his eyes toward her and smiled. “Worried about me?”

She turned back to her laptop. “No.”

“Liar.”

Rey stiffened, but she didn’t have anything at hand to throw at him except for her precious succulents, cacti, and the philodendron named Phil that would need to be repotted soon, so she just tucked her hair behind her ears and ignored him.

She felt his gaze on her for a few minutes before he said, soft and yearning, “I love you.”

Rey swallowed and trembled, lips parting. She didn’t look back at him, but her voice came out breathier than she’d intended. “For how long?”

“Since that night when you needed me to come back. When you slept through dinner, and we watched that stupid movie.”

Her lips twitched. The baking detective. She’d seen more of those advertised but couldn’t watch them. They’d reminded her too much of that night.

It had meant something to her, too.

“I probably loved you earlier than that, but that was when it really set in. I looked at you asleep on the couch, and I just… I was in love with you.”

She turned in her chair to look at him and grasped the chair’s back. “Why couldn’t you tell me?”

He shook his head, looking pained. “You were too young. And I was afraid.”

“I wasn’t too young to know, Ben. And, really, what’s the difference between then and now?”

His expression turned grave. “You’re old enough to make your own decisions now.”

Rey narrowed her eyes at him until he fidgeted under her glare. “Wow. That’s so incredibly gracious of you. Thank you for letting me know I’m old enough to think for myself. I would never have figured it out without you.”

He sighed. “Rey…”

“There’s that tone again.”

He dropped his head back and groaned.

“Really,” she added, standing and cocking her hip in a way she’d picked up from Lusica. “Thank you so much for letting me know that I’m now a card-carrying adult, thrown into your illustrious ranks by the colossal challenge of continuing to breathe for eighteen years.”

He raised his eyes to the ceiling and crossed his arms over his chest. “Your vocabulary and your sarcasm have both improved this past year.” He ran a hand through his hair and leaned against the doorframe as if settling in for a long argument. “Okay, look. Eighteen isn’t some magical number where you’re suddenly good enough to be an adult.”

Rey raised an unimpressed brow at him. No duh.

“But it is the age that adults have agreed on where… you’re thrown into the deep end. Whether you’re ready or not. Whether you’re mature enough or not. Whether or not anyone’s prepared you. Everyone is going to expect you to be an adult from here on out, and it’s sink or swim. No lifeguard, no flotation devices, just you.” His eyes burned into her, adding weight to his words. “I don’t know if you’re more mature than you were a year ago. I don’t know what you’re ready for. That’s something you have to figure out for yourself, and it’s something you need to be sure about, because Rey… I’m ready. For any of it. All of it.” He straightened, pushing himself off the doorjamb, and seemed to draw closer even though he didn’t move in her direction or cross her threshold. His gaze on her made her breath catch. “I want you.”

Rey took a stumbling step back as her blood rushed to the surface of her skin, making her face and chest tingle with warmth. She knew he didn’t miss it, or what it meant, because his eyes narrowed and his expression turned hungry.

He still didn’t cross her threshold.

“Before you turn eighteen, the adults in your life are supposed to look out for you. Including overruling your decisions, because you’re still technically a kid. And yeah, you might think it’s bullshit, and you might have been plenty mature at seventeen, but that’s how our society works. For everyone.”

Rey crossed her arms. It was a stupid system. “I was emancipated,” she said, not wanting to let the point go without contesting it. “So I’ve actually been legally responsible for myself for months now.”

He tilted his head with a considering frown. “True,” he said slowly. “But we still had a moral obligation to look out for you.”

Rey frowned back at him, flinching internally at the prospect that Han and Leia saw her only as an obligation. “And that just goes away now?” What did that mean for her?

He shook his head. “It doesn’t go away, but it changes. We see you differently. I can’t speak for my parents, obviously, but I see you differently. And other people will treat you differently. We’ll be here as a safety net, but you’ll be walking the tightrope on your own. Nobody’s going to try and put training wheels on you anymore.”

Rey frowned at him, then snorted. “That’s a lot of metaphors, Ben.”

The undamaged corner of his mouth curled up, and he shrugged. “I wasn’t an English teacher for nothing.”

“You reeeally hated that job.”

“I can’t believe I ever voluntarily worked with teenagers,” he said, hands in his pockets. He grimaced. “I hate teenagers.”

Rey raised a defiant brow. “I was a teenager. Technically, I still am.”

He nodded, a stain of pink flaring across his cheeks. “That’s part of why I wasn’t honest with you back then. I’ve always thought of teenagers as too young and hormonal and stupid to be trusted.”

Rey stared at him, needing a moment to process his words because she couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing, but he was still speaking.

“My teenage years were hell, and everyone I interacted with in high school was either afraid of me or a piece of shit who just wanted to mess with me. And teaching… I’m pretty sure that made it worse. All I saw were kids who proved me right and other kids who hid it well.”

“You… thought I was too young and dumb to be trusted?” she said, fresh anger uncoiling inside her and settling into her limbs.

He met her eye with the air of a man who knew his answer was not going to go over well. “You were a kid, Rey.”

She jerked back at that.

He scrambled to soften the blow. “That doesn’t mean I think y—” She strode forward, silencing him mid-word, and slammed her door in his face.

Shaking with fury, she sent the same text to Finn and then Lusica.

I’m going to kill him.

Lusica replied first. Need an extra shovel? I think I know where ours is.

Rey smiled, though she didn’t feel very amused by anything just then. No. Maybe. I don’t know.

Finn replied after she’d been chatting with Lusica for a few minutes.

What happened?

Rey started to cry, so angry she couldn’t keep it in anymore. I was apparently just a dumb kid last year.

Ellipses. They stopped and started twice, then Finn asked, He still alive?

For now.

That’s rough. Ellipses. You need anything?

Just a chance to vent. I think.

Rose is here. Can I get her in on this?

Yeah.

Rey flipped over to her chat with Lusica and replied to a question about whether Rey still wanted to jump his bones.

Not at the moment. As she wrote it, she wondered if that was a lie. She still felt a pull toward him, despite his being a jackass.

Yeah, don’t need to reward bad behavior. Ellipses appeared, and Rey waited, but a reply from Finn came through before Lusica finished whatever she was writing.

Rose says to kick his ass. I think she’s kidding, though.

LOL

Yeah, she’s kidding. She says she’s in favor of figuratively kicking his ass since you’ve already literally done so.

Rey switched over to Lusica.

But if you do harness your inner cowgirl and turn him into your own personal bucking bronco, no judgment. You deserve to get yours. You’ve earned it. On a new line, she’d added, Maybe you could punish him? Think he likes spanking? He doesn’t seem like the type, but maybe if it’s you…

Rey rolled her eyes and wrote, Luce.

LOL! I can feel your exasperation from here.

Rey switched back to Finn.

This is Rose, I took Finn’s phone. You stay strong, okay? Don’t let him push you around because he’s older and your soulmate. Your feelings matter, and he shouldn’t get away with treating you like shit. That’s not how soulmates work. Oh, and Paige says hi.

Rey read over Rose’s message several times, feeling conflicted. She didn’t feel like Ben was pushing her around. And he’d made her feel like shit, but he’d never actually treated her like shit. He’d kept things from her and he hadn’t treated her like an equal — hadn’t seen her as an equal, and that pissed her off — but he’d always been… kind. He’d kept his distance because he’d thought of her as a kid, and while she disagreed with that, and he’d been wrong in so many ways, he’d always tried to… to take care of her. He’d come to her when she’d been sick and had needed him, and he’d shown he cared in a myriad of ways. The school lunches, the ice cream, the way he’d shown up at the hospital and comforted her after the attack. Taking her flying on her birthday. Lifting her to and from her wheelchair. Sponsoring a club he didn’t care about to make her happy.

Good things. Good memories.

Rey looked back at Rose’s message and typed, Tell Paige hi back.

She set her phone down and sat for a long time, thinking about the way he’d been before her seventeenth birthday. When things had been good.

Rey checked on her laptop to find that the updates had finished. She downloaded her favorite browser and imported her passwords and bookmarks. She dug up a photo of her friends and set it as her background.

She fiddled with it for a long while, the old memories swirling around her like wraiths to remind her why she’d fallen in love with him in the first place.

Rey finally sighed and went back to the living room to face the inevitable.

Ben was alone, the hour late enough that Han and Leia would be in bed. He sat with his feet up and his phone out, and he looked at her warily when she approached, his eyes searching her expression for a clue to her mood.

Rey stopped beside him and hugged her elbows. “Do you want to watch something?”

He blinked, surprised, but only nodded. “Sure.”

Rey curled onto the opposite end of the couch, dragging a blanket over her legs, and accepted the remote from him. And if a little shiver ran through her when their fingers accidentally brushed… and if she saw the same shiver mirrored in him… neither of them said anything about it.

“Can I ask you something?” Ben said during a commercial break on the crime procedural show they were watching.

Rey muted the TV and looked over at him. “Okay.”

His brows furrowed. “Not that I’m complaining, but… why aren’t you more angry?”

Rey looked at him, then picked at her blanket as she chose her words. “You’ve earned a stay of execution. For tonight, at least.”

He blinked twice. “How did that happen?”

She was silent for a long while, just watching images flash across the silent screen. She didn’t unmute it even when their show started up again.

When she finally spoke, her voice was soft and measured. “I am not okay with everything you’ve told me today. You should have been honest with me from the start, and I am furious that you weren’t. But.” She took a breath and cast him a warning glance, though he didn’t look inclined to interrupt. “In spite of all of that, back then, you were decent to me.” Rey swallowed a lump in her throat. “There was a lot you left out. You hid things and you lied and you kept me purposely ignorant. I was so fucking insecure because of that, and you are not off the hook for it. But… you were also pretty okay.” She lifted the remote and pointed it at the TV. “Plus, I’m really tired of fighting for tonight. I just want to veg out.” Her hand trembled as she added, “With my soulmate.”

She unmuted the TV before he could reply and pulled the blanket up over her shoulders so she was covered from neck to toe. In her periphery, she saw him swallow and nod before he looked back at the TV.

But he kept sneaking glances at her.

Rey pretended not to notice.

NOTES:

Rey and Ben both hope the other will come around to their way of thinking, but that isn't something I require for reconciliation. Healthy fighting is more about understanding, less about winning.

If you're worried they won't end up together, know that I had to resist forcing them to make out pretty much every paragraph of this chapter. I am a Reylo, and a romantic, and my instincts are pulling hard toward fluff and smut.

[carriedon-awolfsback]

20 Questions

@the-world-is-on-fire tagged me! Thanks! :D

Name: Amber

Nicknames: I actually don’t have any. Sometimes my boss calls me by my surname if we’re being dumb and pretending to be in a chalk-and-cheese buddy-cop movie, but that’s it.

Gender: Female, albeit with occasional wobbles of questioning usually bought on by hormonal surges and/or someone noisily suggesting I should shave my legs and wear a skirt for once in my life.

Orientation: For simplicity’s sake I’ll say bi. I’ve been sexually attracted to people of various genders over the years, but I don’t act on it any more, because I’ve found I don’t actually enjoy the reality of physical and romantic intimacy.

Nationality: Britisher unfortunately

Faith/religion: I’ve been exploring Norse tradition Heathenry for the best part of a year now. That means I have an altar displaying items related to the pre-Christian Scandinavian pantheon (mostly Odin but others too) which I leave shots of whiskey on about once a week and sorta pray/meditate at sometimes. Yes, really! I’d absolutely class myself as a layperson and my practise focus is all about interpreting lessons in the Eddas, self-reliance, self-acceptance and keeping healthy routines. I don’t do any divination or witchy stuff beyond carrying an Ansuz rune around with me tied to my handbag for luck. I do have a sense of humour about it and I’m always open to questions about it as long as they’re decently respectful.

Hobbies: I work pretty long hours these days so all my free time is reserved for writing and drawing. Does being able to find and customise the perfect Instagram filter for any photo count as a hobby? I also love a night at the theatre and try to sample both on- and off-West End shows when I have the time and money.

Pets: None :( I don’t have the disposable income, time, or space in my current lifestyle. I get my pet fix by befriending other people’s cats I meet in the street so they visit my house sometimes.

Favourite... Colours: I went to art school, this is like asking me to pick a favourite child. Blue and green are my best colours to wear (and black but that’s a shade /pedantry)

Holiday: Easter! Yes, the big Christian party cribbed wildly from the pagans. I dunno, my (totally atheist) family just goes really hard at that time of year for some reason with the good food and spring vibes, and it’s nice to be around. It’s like Christmas, but more temperate and with less ‘MUST HAVE SO MUCH FUN AND SPEND MONEY’ pressure.

Books: Dracula, Frankenstein, Let The Right One In, Ben Aaronovich’s London books... I cut my big kid reading teeth on Pratchett, Gaiman and Tolkien. I really struggle to settle down and read like I used to these days.

Films: Alien, Inglourious Basterds, Hot Fuzz, Withnail & I, The History Boys, the original LOTR trilogy, Jurassic Park, old David Lean movies (the ones where everyone has either a posh or cockney accent and all the women have viciously barbed conversations while hiding the fact they’re all shouldering immense emotional burdens)

TV: I really don’t watch a lot of TV, I’m incredibly bad at keeping up with serials. The only must-watch on my list is American Gods; I LOVED the first season and hope they keep the same style and vibe going.

Music: Rammstein, Ghost, Motörhead, AC/DC, Florence, The Prodigy, Laura Marling, Depeche Mode, Bowie, Kraftwerk, Green Day, Fleetwood Mac, NIN, Placebo, I don’t know much about classical but I love the Planets Suite and The Lark Ascending, any amount of showtunes... I’m genre-omnivorous; I just like my music to be passionate and kind of dark regardless of which instruments and what kinds of voices are doing it.

Coffee, tea or hot chocolate: I like a peppermint or builder’s tea but I’ll take hot chocolate over it any time.

Favourite meme: Giving every object, image and concept you come across an ‘energy’ (cursed energy, ambiguous but powerful energy, gay energy, big dick energy)

I want to live long enough to: See the world get, like, even just a little bit less shitty.

Weird obsessions: Scaring myself to absolute death on YouTube at 1am with unexplained 999 call audios, numbers stations, backwards sound recordings, emergency broadcast systems and sirens, and nuclear war scenarios. I work in a museum and I literally could not go into one of our exhibits last winter because it contained a Protect And Survive video on loop, and as soon as I heard the tone at the start of the clip my eyes would automatically start pouring with anxiety tears. So obviously I gotta listen to that shit in my downtime for entertainment purposes!

Random fact: My grandma dropped me on my head in a hot tub as a baby. Sometimes I remind her of this and she just chortles and sips her wine

Goals for 2018: Hit our fundraising target for the year with my team at work. Drop a little bit of weight so the doctor gets off my case. Get my bedroom fixed up less like a big store cupboard and more like a cosy sleeping and living space.

I won’t tag anyone as I think everyone seems to have done it already, but if we’re mutuals and you’ve not already had one, consider this your tag!

[inthecornerbaked]

10

Are you an only child? i am not  When was the last time you were sick? just a bit ago 

Do you like the color pink? i do  Do you take vitamins? i do  Did/do you like high school? i did not  What are you wearing? pjs and a bigger t shirt  How old will you be in 5 years? 30  What sports do you play? i don’t play any  What quality is most important in a person? honesty  Who’s your bf/gf? non existent  What’s your favorite Ben and Jerry’s ice cream? don’t have one  Do you usually wear your hair up or down? down  What TV show do you watch the most? right now it’s supernatural  Do you have a cat? one  Do you like polka dots? sure  Have you ever been to Paris? nopppe  How do you feel lately? meh, all over the place kind of  Have you ever had surgery? yes  Like any reality shows? yeah  What color do you dye your hair? right now i am blonde  What are you best at? idk a lot of things ..  What are you worst at? lots ..  What makes you a good friend? lots  Do you like men in suits? yes  What’s your favorite season? fall  Did you drink last New Year’s? i don’t think so actually  Which of the 7 deadly sins fits you the best? idk  What do people compliment you the most on? my hair or my eyes  Did it rain today? no  What did you eat for lunch? it’s not lunch time yet  Have you ever wanted to be a ballerina? nope  Are you in a band? nope  Did you ever want to be an astronaut? no  Who was the last person to, “give you butterflies”? no idea  What book are you currently reading? the Bible  What was the last party you attended? idk  Do you wear a lot of black? yes  Do you have your own computer? yes  Have you ever had fake nails? yes  What’s the last movie you saw in theatres? no idea  What movie do you want to see? idk nothing in particular  Are you trick or treating this year? maybe with watson  What month were you born in? july What’s your birthstone? ruby  Do you like where you live? could be worse but also could be better  Are women complicated? everyone can be  Do you put the lid back on the toothpaste? yes  How long have you known your best friend? uhh fuck 12 years ish  What’s something people criticise you the most for? not sure  Do you get along better with your mom or dad? idk right now  Do you read classic literature? not really  Could you be a hermit? yes  Are you religious? jesus isn’t religion  Who do you trust the most? God  Do you have a Deviant Art account? no Have you read deathnote? no How are your grades? hs - terrible. college - good  Most tedious/annoying class? math  Did you skip class today? no class Who do you love? fam, friends, God  Would you move anywhere for someone you love? yes  Are spiders scary? they are lol  What color are your eyes? green  What shampoo do you use? right now stuff from winners  How old are you? 25  Is America going to start selling Christmas stuff all year round? idk  What’s your favorite music genre? i like all of it  You’re at Starbucks. What do you order? depends on my mood, typically iced white mocha  Wendy’s or McDonald’s? wendys 

[acciomalfoy]

How to save a life / Bill Denbrough x reader

master list

“We need to talk.” You said. You sounded serious, and I must’ve looked worried because you laughed.

“Sit down, it’s just a talk.” You patted the couch beside you. We were currently in your house, and had been dating for a while. Your parents worked night shifts so here we were, almost eleven at night.

I sat down, almost hesitantly. We smiled awkward at each other while my mind raced. We talked, and I happen to regret almost every word that I said.

“We want different things, Bill, and we can’t keep pretending any longer.” Were your exact words. I can remember them clear as day, like it was yesterday. For the first time, I noticed the bags under your eyes, and the emptiness inside your beautifully coloured iris’s. But I had to agree with you, we weren’t similar enough to stay together. Anything that could have convinced you to stay didn’t come out of my mouth. Instead, I nodded mutely and left.

A day didn’t manage to pass until I heard the news. They told everyone you accidentally overdosed, but I know that I was the last person to see you, and that it was no accident.

I would’ve have gone to the ends of the earth, would have fought pennywise again and would have stayed in neibolt house for a week, even a year if it would have brought you back. I just didn’t know how to save a life.

I knew that you weren’t okay. I knew that you loved me with everything you had, and I loved you back just as fiercely and deeply, but we fell in love in the wrong time, and the wrong place. Maybe it would have worked if we were older, older than sixteen, but we weren’t. We were still kids.

Halfway through our relationship, I started praying. We had been together seventeen months until we broke up, and so around our eight month mark I started praying to whatever deity is out there. You never told me if you believe in a religion, and I wish you had. I prayed that we would make it past high school, and graduate and eventually grow old together.

We almost broke up, twice. The first time was when the new kid in our English class wouldn’t stop flirting with you. I remember how I saw red and just dove at him. You were crying, and I started crying too. Richie and Eddie told me later that they had never seen me like that, and Stan said he was scared of me in that moment. That terrified me more than anything. That my own friends could be scared of me was an eye opener, and we had a more open relationship after that.

The second time was when I first introduced you to my parents. You were scared and I reassured you that if I loved you as much as I did, then they would love you even more. I was wrong. Five minutes into dinner and my parents were already giving me a look. You used to give the look too. The ‘are you serious?’ look. I’d give anything for you to give me the look one last time.

Before your funeral, we were all contemplating who should speak. In the end, we realised that not one of us could say what we were all thinking, and we decided that we would all speak.

Ben had written a poem. It was about sunflowers, and I almost laughed because no, they were definitely not your favourite flowers. You told me once, when we were lying on the grass with the wind blowing through our hair, that your favourite flower was frangipani’s. I thought they suited you, and we searched the town trying to find some.

Beverly spoke about how she was your best friend, and that it felt like she had lost half of her soul. I could relate to that one. She said you had left your diary at hers a couple of days before you had died, and she never ended up returning it. She read a page of it, and that was when I started to cry.

Dear Diary,

He asked me today what my favourite colour was. Truthfully, I didn’t even have one until he guessed blue. His eyes lit up in the way they do, and I noticed that his eyes were every shade of blue. They were the blue at midday, when there’s no clouds in the sky. They were the blue of the deep ocean, full of mystery and secrets. Blue is the most beautiful colour I’ve ever seen, thanks to Bill.

Yours, (Y/n)

Eddie said that you were the best person he’s ever met, and none of us took offence. We all agreed. He said that you always picked him up when he was down with a joke and a lollipop. You loved lollipops. Always had at least four on you, and one in your mouth. I haven’t been able to look at one without feeling empty.

Mike said that it was thanks to you that he got over his many irrational fears. He recalled with laughter tracing his voice, the time that you and him were at the farm, and a spider was on one of the sheep. Mike was screaming alongside you, but the pair of you managed to sweep the spider off. He said that the you two bolted afterwards, but he’d remember that moment, and many others, forever.

Richie came to the microphone with his glasses on. He hadn’t worn glasses for a couple of months, and everyone seemed to be surprised, me included. He explained how you had told him as soon as he got contact lenses that he didn’t look like himself. Richie said he had laughed but he confessed that he didn’t feel like himself either. He was wearing his glasses now, so when he said goodbye to you, he was still himself.

Stan stood up, and his hair was slicked back. He said that at his Bar Mitzvah, you had laughed hysterically at his hair. From then on, he had received endless jokes about his hair, and he hoped you were laughing up there in heaven at his hair now.

Then everyone was looking at me, and I swallowed loudly and shook my head. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t make a speech with everyone watching. It wouldn’t seem right. When your body was being lowered into the ground, Richie had to cover my mouth to stop me from screaming. You didn’t deserve to be buried, you deserved to fly free. You deserved to walk amongst the living, not the dead. Everyone trickled away, one by one, until it was just the losers standing at your grave. They all looked at me pityingly, through their own pain, and allowed me to have a final moment of peace with you.

“I wish I had known how to save a life.” Were my only words to your grave. So many words were left unsaid, but I felt lighter after we left your funeral. Like someone else was carrying half my load. You always did tell me that a trouble shared was a trouble halved.

[fuckdavestriderheistheworst-blog]

Avi's making me answer all of them so now you have to, too. All the ones no one else asks you.

why do i even reblog these things when i know one of you are gonna do this 

am i a masochist

I’ll try to give solid answers. 

1) Sexuality?

i dont know not straight but not gay and also probably not bi because i dont just look at people of both sexes and think “damn id tap that” 

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

ben stiller probably 

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

i took vantas’ book because it became the one closest to me 

“’That is such a bizarre request I have to agree to do it.’“

4) What do you think about most?

what im doing with my life and why i picked the most unsteady and risky career choice ever and if ill end up fucked because of it

5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“We’re meeting at Think Coffee at four. Come with us.”

6) Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

usually with at least boxers on but sometimes naked

7) What’s your strangest talent?

i used to get into rap battles with kids in my high school class i like to think im talented enough to declare it a talent

8) Girls…. (finish the sentence); Boys…. (finish the sentence)

girls dont like boys girls like cars and money. boys will laugh at girls when theyre not funny

9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

ive had a diss rap written about me on a few occasions if that counts

10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?

probably a year ago i dont keep track of my intense solo shower performances

11) Do you have any strange phobias?

i dont know if either of these count since they mostly just make me uncomfortable but silence bugs me and so does the solo sound of clockwork

12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

no but once i got a stick stuck up it because of someone else

13) What’s your religion?

athiest i guess? like i dont really believe in god or in any higher power otherwise wed have been snuffed out for being pieces of shit long ago

14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

taking pictures or carryin a drink or running when its too damn early and too damn cold

15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind it for sure

16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

that changes by the day. today a band i listened to a lot was son lux

17) What was the last lie you told?

that it was fine

18) Do you believe in karma?

only when im mad

19) What does your URL mean?

i mean

read it

20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

i asked vantas and he said the answer to both is “my eagerness to please” which i dont know if i agree with but i dont have a better answer

21) Who is your celebrity crush?

who ISNT my celebrity crush is a better question

my favorites and the ones i would shit myself to meet in person are tom franco, ben stiller, and robert downey jr

22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

no and i dont really want to

23) How do you vent your anger?

i use it to be productive most of the time but if its anger on behalf of someone i smother the person i care about and try to forget my own feelings about it

24) Do you have a collection of anything?

cameras, picture frames, and vinyl records

25) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

video chatting for sure

26) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

im way happier with who i am than i was two years ago

27) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

a clock ticking or someone tappin in time to the passage OF time

vantas’ laugh

28) What’s your biggest “what if”?

what if id never sent that anonymous message what if id just kept being who i was before

29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

ghosts? psh fuck no. aliens? dude its a real thing aliens are real we have documented proof of it

30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

wall on the right, vantas on the left

31) Smell the air. What do you smell?

nothing really? i mean i could sniff vantas and then say i smell him but i dont really smell anything

32) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

im not sure i guess the hospital? nobody likes the hospital not even the staff

33) Choose East Coast or West Coast?

west coast

34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

god have you seen todays performers theyre all fuckin gorgeous

maybe selena gomez she has a cute face even if im not that into her music

35) To you, what is the meaning of life?

spend time with the people i care about and dont waste time on the people i dont

make them know theyre important

36) Define Art.

somebody expressing themselves and NOT bullshitting some deep and fake meaning onto somethin they didnt try with

37) Do you believe in luck?

not really

38) What’s the weather like right now?

its 60 degrees 

39) What time is it?

9pm

40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

yes i drive and no ive never CRASHED but i did fuck up my tire rod and alignment once because i swerved to miss a dog if that counts as a crash

41) What was the last book you read?

a college textbook

42) Do you like the smell of gasoline?

not enough that id go huffin it but i definitely dont dislike it

43) Do you have any nicknames?

not technically i dont think

44) What was the last movie you saw?

black panther

45) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

a concussion because of the amnesia that followed suit

46) Have you ever caught a butterfly?

yeah

47) Do you have any obsessions right now?

so theres this thing in northern new york called a garbage plate 

48) What’s your sexual orientation?

the same as #1

49) Ever had a rumor spread about you?

yeah and it sucked

50) Do you believe in magic?

no 

51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

not if theyve done me wrong i dont particularly care that much about myself that id hate someone forever over something they did

52) What is your astrological sign?

saggitarius i think? im not sure i never keep up with horoscope stuff

53) Do you save money or spend it?

both 

54) What’s the last thing you purchased?

dinner 

55) Love or lust?

love

56) In a relationship?

yes and its a damn good one

57) How many relationships have you had?

more than 10 but less than 30

58) Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

no and i tried like a fucking IDIOT

59) Where were you yesterday?

school and also i had a meeting about my next job

60) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

no

61) Are you wearing socks right now?

god no i dont like socks

62) What’s your favorite animal?

chameleon (but birds are really fucking cool)

63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

answered

64) Where is your best friend?

right beside me

65) Spit or swallow?(;

swallow

66) What is your heritage?

white and i dont think i can expand upon that without being laughed at for BEING white

67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

i dont want to say sleeping but i think i was sleeping

68) What do you think is Satan’s last name?

do angels and demons HAVE last names? im not versed enough to make an educated guess

69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

what kind of question is this doesnt EVERYBODY??

70) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

fuck no i wouldnt like me if i met me

71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

i dont want to work for lucifer so id save the dog, spend the rest of my day off at the vet makin sure he got treated and then look for the owner

or keep him depending on how big the dog is

72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

i wouldnt tell them right away i dont think but i dont think i could keep that from people i loved 

id spend the rest of those days doing everything i could to make sure everybody knows they were important to me and then i guess id write a will

i dont know if id be afraid because part of me doesnt want to die and the other part knows its inevitable and that i shouldnt waste time bein afraid of it because like it or not itll happen eventually

73) You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

god thats a hard choice but can you have a real meaningful love without trust? i guess id have to give up love

74) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

noma - “brain power” 

its just impossible to not enjoy it or feel even a little pumped

75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

nope im not cool with this one i cant answer it i am too paranoid

76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

trust, some sacrifice, and lots of late night talks over late bought dinners 

77) How can I win your heart?

answered

78) Can insanity bring on more creativity?

yeah but to a certain point the creativity just becomes finger painting with your own shit while proclaiming you are the MASTER of modern fine arts and wont take any less than three million for your masterpiece 

or you know having a tantrum about paint pigment ownership so profound that it marks you in history books as the worlds biggest art cunt 

79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

to try and make friends with a jaded grouch

80) What size shoes do you wear?

10

81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

“buried naked without his rolex so dont even try”

82) What is your favorite word?

answered

83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

soul

84) What is a saying you say a lot?

probably “its cool”

85) What’s the last song you listened to?

“alternate world” by son lux

86) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?

red for sure

87) What is your current desktop picture?

one of those connect four memes 

its the pepperoni one but zoomed in on the pepperoni itself

88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

no i do NOT want to kill anybody via explosion thats a shitty way to go 

hitler just in case

89) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

“what are you afraid of”

90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

ask them politely to leave i guess? what the fuck kind of scenario is this night at the museum

91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

1) totally unrealistic i would not eat vegetables without there being some other food group involved and 

2) i really dont want superpowers im not the hero type and never will be

maybe some way to freeze time that also includes bringing someone along to the frozen time zone because i never have enough time

92) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

the time i got to talk to robert zemeckis because i was fanboying so hard i barely registered half the shit he said and half the advice he gave

93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

i wouldnt erase any bad experience thats just asking for a butterfly effect scenario

94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

nobody because 1) i am happy in my current relationship and dont really want to sleep around and 2) do they not get a say in it

95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

hawaii because its probably warm and comforting there i can buy vantas a second ticket if the first is free

96) Do you have any relatives in jail?

no

97) Have you ever thrown up in the car?

never thank fuck my cars interior costs more than i do

98) Ever been on a plane?

yeah a couple times

99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

you cant go back in time and correct any mistakes so do it right the first time or make things right after you fuck up 

dont dwell on the stuff that doesnt matter and spend time on the stuff that does

[ofturtlesanddemodogs-archive]

Negativity about the 2017 film version of It to follow (please note this reflects my opinions and is meant purely for entertainment purposes)

Book Bill: constantly making sure the Losers are ok with attacking It, aware it’s his burden to deal with George’s death to the point he breaks down to Richie about how it was his fault, serious trauma and guilt, parents ignore him entirely, Big Bill who everyone has a crush on, implicit trust from the Losers

Movie Bill: Delusional enough to believe George is alive, throws temper tantrums to his parents and friends, drags his friends into fighting It because he is just gonna go anyway alone, it’s summer we should have fun with all these missing kids, punches Richie and pulls everyone apart selfishly, Yet HE suggests the pact?

Book Mike: Admires his father more than anyone else, whip smart Historian with parents primarily concerned about his education, farm boy, fear of birds, Gatekeeper of Derry and its secrets, lonely spinster librarian

Movie Mike: Has zero positive adult role models, what even is his function?, treated like a weirdo for being home schooled, reduced to an allegory for the hate crime at the Blackspot, What is the justification for him to be the one staying in Derry in pt 2?

Book Beverly: Doesn’t yet have her period or understand the sexual element of her father’s abuse, blindly loves the asshole, goes back to check on him decades later, LONG HAIR, cute little movie dates, loves Bill Denbrough in the most pure, girlish way and says nothing

Movie Beverly: Reduced to a sex object to all the guys and her father, Is actively creeped out by her father (I MEAN FAIR), no mom?, kills her father, SHORT HAIR, waltzes around in a bikini, makes a move on Bill

 Book Richie: Well adjusted to the point he doesn’t believe he’s seen anything terrifying before Nieboldt, goofy humor and voices that make him look stupid, sweet and caring to his friends even when he doesn’t know how to help, BFFs with Bev, makes ignorant jokes about Stan’s religion but also asks him questions, teases Eddie to fluster him, Beep-Beep, Cute Cute Cute

Movie Richie: Afraid of the thing It is most often, cruel humor that primarily consists of one-note your mom jokes, I think he did a British man one time, Who invited Molly Ringwald into the group?, Shut up Richie

Book Stan: Doesn’t know shit about being Jewish, legitimately sees the most terrifying thing and cracks, is the most scared because he’s wet with sewer water and disoriented, the reasonable and sure one so this is SURPRISING, held back a year, VERY HAPPY to have friends, Insists on the pact, TINY ADULT

Movie Stan: The most Jewish kid ever, a painting in a religious context really?, Is painted more as a sissy, might see the deadlights bc his FACE is eaten, OCD, I hate you all, Sasses Richie (not bitter about this honestly), best bitch pls faces and eyerolls, doesn’t even seem to want to be a Loser at the time of the pact

Book Ben: Saved by Big Bill in particular, has no friends before the Losers and is welcomed with open arm defers to Big Bill on all things Beverly because gee wilikers he’s hot, mechanically minded but safe in the library, Blushes whenever Beverly is near and can barely look at her, Haystack

Movie Ben: Brave enough to hit on Beverly OVER Bill, treated like a super nerd because he is actually Mike, weight never mentioned, only has no friends because he’s new, treated like he doesn’t quite belong in the group

Book Eddie: queer and sublimating through medical fears, very quiet and clings to Big Bill, Eds, secretly loves Richie’s teasing, more afraid of the “Leper’s” STDs and offer of a BJ than the Leper’s appearance, can’t stand up for himself worth a shit, mom is also a classist pig, constantly uses his inhaler

Movie Eddie: AIDS metaphors, Banters with Richie and holds his own, worries out loud like a fiend, mom wears tacky track suits, At least he tells off his mom like WOW GAZEBOS 5 ever, Has a fanny pack with a little of everything

[benbarnesescape]

Wishful Thinking

Wednesday

Ryan Brenner x Reader

Warnings: Get your tissues out! All the fluffy love and suggestions of SMUT but pretty PG-13

A/N: I love Ryan Brenner from Jackie and Ryan. I love the purity of his character and how he lives each day relishing the moment without getting too caught up with the present and the past

Also I ended up rewriting this...don’t know anymore if the title matches the story but I hope you love it nonetheless - this might be one of my favorite pieces I’ve written I have to admit

Need to catch up on Ben’s Birthday Countdown? Catch up below:

 Sunday with Logan, Monday with Alejandro and Tuesday with Josh 

It hurt. The heartache from before, the aggressive realization of not hearing his voice or seeing his smile had you wrapped in a ball of sorrow. You stopped smiling, stopped laughing. Stopped going out.

You just stopped.

Your friends were worried. They didn’t understand this new person you had become. Didn’t understand how you no longer could taste food or the soft tickle of a summer breeze. That wine tasted the same as water, that sleep was a slow passing of time until you had to go to work and be reminded of the loneliness. That tears had dried up like sand in your sockets and your voice had cracked like old pottery, left out in the sun for centuries to crumble into dust.

And then it happened.

It was a day like the days before. The sun was shining and people were smiling, recovering from winters drabness when, in a zombified state, you tripped. You didn’t even brace yourself as you fell sideways, your arms colliding with hard concrete to be followed by your head. Luckily, your arm helped cushion some of the fall, your head barely ricocheting off the hard concrete. You were aware that it was painful but you weren’t in pain. Aware that you were bleeding yet you couldn’t say from where.

Then his face was over yours and it all shifted.

Dark brown eyes took you in worried and you were half aware of his voice as he softly checked your arm. More people were pooling around you and you blinked, trying to focus on the man with the short beard as he asked you again calmly, a slight twang of a Southern accent asking,

“Ma’am - are you alright?”

You narrow your eyes, shaking your head slowly before trying to lean up. You groan, falling on your back and his eyes scrunch together in worry.

“Can you feel this?” he asks, poking your arm and you nod. A woman who also saw the fall hands him something small and white, a handkerchief and he places the fabric on your forehead, pressing into searing pain. Your face contorts and he gives a relaxed sigh, worried as someone else says.

“I’m calling an ambulance.”

You try to assure them that there is no need but the man whose cool hands were seeping through the sheer cloth nods a thank you, looking down at you and giving you a sad smile for the first time.

“You’re going to be alright.” he assures you and you nod, falling back closing your eyes. He stops you, pulling you up and holding your face in his free hand, his leg propping you up.

“Don’t fall asleep ma’am. That’s the last thing you need right now.”

“I’m just so tired…” you manage out, your voice weak and he nods, trying to warm your body from the cold spring air.

You watch him, trying to make sense of the words falling out of his mouth again. Weariness falls on you and he begins to sing softly, his melodic voice falling on your ears and for the first time in a long time you smile. It's a slow tune but the meaning of the words don’t fail you.

I'm headed southbound Long way to go

Down where the weather

Don't suit my clothes Police can't catch me Lord how they tried They always miss me When I'm passing by I'm passing by

The ambulance arrives soon after and, with his guitar case in tow, he rides with you to the hospital. You never ask him why, will never know the reason he felt compelled to ride with you, his hand lightly clasped with yours. He sits with you in the emergency room as they put 50 stitches in your forehead and sings a song to distract you, his hands playing craftly over the well polished  wood and string instrument he holds in his arms like a gift.

You find out later that it was his guitar case you had tripped over while he was singing with his friend outside the coffee shop that you alway frequens. That he tried to warn you but you were...distracted. He never says that you looked like you went through hell and back and it's a miracle you were able to walk away with the few stitches you did have.

When you try to offer him dinner as a thanks he politely - insistently - declines. You part ways and you think it's the last time you see him, the strange man with the voice of an angel and kind eyes. You go home to check the damage of your fall and you notice the dark circles under your eyes, how your skin has lost the color from lack of sunlight, the drab color of your lips. The way your hair is dry and pulled back. How dead you look on the outside as you felt on the inside.

You take in your small brownstone, take in the barren fridge and dirty room, the photos of him still neatly hanging on the walls and you snap. You grab a box, dumping pictures and shirts and mementos in it all. You place the box by the dumpster outside and never look back again.

When you see him again the heat of the east coast has surfaced leaving no one prisoner. You’re wearing a flowy skirt and a tank top, your wedged sandals guiding you with your group of friends that you’re visiting for the weekend as you laugh, an ice cream cone in hand. You’re different. You’ve found your smile again, found your humor. Found the insatiable hunger for life. Your eyes are bright and your laughter is carefree.

You’ve found how to love yourself again.

He’s coming out a store, laughing with a friend. Shed free of his tan hat and worn jacket with a simple cotton T shirt and jeans to his name you barrel into him, preoccupied with the words your friends have been saying. Your ice cream cone falls to the ground beside his case and cup of coffee and he catches you easily, those large gentle hands circling around your waist as your own hands fall on his shoulders.

“Are you okay there ma’am? I didn’t mean to….” he stops, his eyes taking your face in. You’re different - you know - the dead look you had been wearing unashamedly banished to be covered by a happier, brighter you. His eyes flick to your forehead, taking in the left over scar from your early spring tumble and he smiles at you, bright white teeth peering through his full lips  before saying,

“Didn’t think I’d run into you again ma’am.”

You smile up at him, wanting to hug him because he had help break you of your spell with just being a kind stranger looking out for a lost. Instead you manage out,

“My name is Y/N.”

Not thank you or how have you been or what is your name. Just yours, an exchange for something more meaningful.

“Ryan.”

You’re able to convince him this time to join you and your friends for lunch, though there hesitant at first. Because even though you don’t notice his worn out shoes or the leather bag he watches diligently, ensuring its as close to him as his guitar case, all you can see is him. You lean in on his stories of where he’s traveled, this drifter, how he plays for his living and goes by each day not knowing what to expect. His friend chimes in occasionally though he watches you hesitantly, like your a cancer ready to take Ryan as your prisoner.

Doesn’t matter.

You like the way Ryan watches you as he sips on water, his grimy hands with the tattoos marked on each finger rapping against the glass as he takes you in. Likes the way your name falls out of his mouth or the way his legs rub gently over yours.

All too suddenly you're being pulled from him, your friends enthusiastically insistent to remind you that you have a movie to catch as his friend is reminding him of a meeting they’re due for and you both depart hesitantly. You give him a hug this time, your arms wrapping around him as you take him in - the smell of Irish Spring soap and that industrial smell of oil mixing in your nostrils before he pulls away.

“Stay out of trouble. You don’t need to be marking anymore of your pretty face.” he brushes his hand over your forehead, a soft smile placed on his lips as his finger lingers, before he shakes his head and turns away.

Leaving you again with the memory of him.

Some got religion and they just can't win Well i take to hard drinking and i push my feelings in Im leaving town and all people that i know Well I'm drunk as hell and i and that freight trade my home Im headed southbound Long way to go down

Where the weather don't suit my clothes Police can't catch me Lord how they tried They always miss me when I'm passing by I'm passing by

Its when the leaves crinkle underneath your boots, the late October wind pulling through your hair that you encounter him again. Its for work that’s taken you to Portland, miles away from your home for the week, and you explore the city one night feeling bold and adventurous. You’re looking for dinner and a fun place to listen to music when you chance hear a voice that reminds you of him.

Then you turn the corner and he’s there, his hands drumming over his guitar as he plays along with someone new on the violin, his talent gathering a small crowd in the twilight of Tuesday night. You smile as you make your way to him and watch him in the shadows of others, waiting until he’s finished his song before you get closer and say,

“That’s a very nice voice you have.”

He knows you, has dreamed of your voice and those legs and the way you smile at him, and he can’t bite back the large grin that spreads on his face before he’s on his feet, pulling you in for a hug. Your arms find his neck home as you draw him closer, before he slightly pulls away to introduce you to his friend.

You’re convincing him again to dinner, you’re company’s treat, and dragging his friend along for the ride. You catch up on his journeys, how he’s traveled from one coast to another just on the backs of trains and the people he’s encountered - the people that the’s he’s met. He tells you about the songs he still records and how he’s now restless with writing. Tells you of the friends he’s lost and those he’s gained.

Its later at your hotel that he lets you know that you’re the only one he’s ever hoping to get back to.

It was the wine over dinner that had you both sloppily putting your hands over each other, your mouth mingling with his as he pushes you to your bed. Undresses you and worships your body with his fingers and his lips. Whispers your name in reverence as he has you flying, his dark eyes looking into your own like he can peer into your soul and you know your trouble. You try to push the feelings to the back of your mind, make them a ghost like the moment of tonight.

You don’t expect a goodbye in the morning but he’s there, limbs wrapped around your own and he admits how much he thinks about you. How you’re the first face he see’s in the morning and the last he dreams of at night.

How all the songs he writes now are full of you.

You both know it can’t work - he’s too restless for your unrelestless soul. You wouldn’t ask that of him. He wouldn’t of you.

But the thought still lives there.

You spend the rest of the week wrapped up in him in your free time, dancing and singing and laughing with him and when he kisses you softly goodbye at the airport, your number tucked safely in his pocket, you try not to allow it to break your heart.

You were meant to love a man like Ryan.

He calls all the time. Calls to tell you he’s safe. Calls to tell you he misses you. Calls to tell you how the sun sets in Texas, or the way the first snow fall feels in Wisconsin. Calls to sing you songs to sleep and to check in on your day. Calls just to hear your voice as he looks up at the stars, the cool steel freight car soothing his back with the uncertainty of his tomorrow knocking at the door.

You know its unrealistic to love him. Unrealistic to think you can have a relationship with him. He knows that too and you both speak about like a dance - he urges you to love someone normal. You urge him to love someone like him.

You both try but it always fails. It fails because despite being different you were both the same - both always looking for something that you’ve found in the other.

So you play this dance through winter, bleeding into spring. You don’t expect to see him outside your home one day, walking back and forth, his guitar case tucked by his bag on the stairs, hands running through his hair. Don’t expect those dark eyes to look up at you unexpectedly before he’s barreling at you, arms winding around your waist as you jump into his arms.

“I know you don’t need me to be whole,” he whispers in your ear. “But I do. I don’t know know how we’re going to do this but I’m willing to try.”

You pull back as his lips find yours, the words to the song he always sings you to sleep echoing in your ear.

Rains' pouring hard makes no stearin sign 900 more miles And I'll be doing just fine And if the moon and the stars are the only shelter that I know I guess i got this whole world and you to call my home call my home

[boganabroad-blog]

Sweden

Getting up at 3:25am Sunday morning to catch the Tube from Jayde’s place to Heathrow wasn’t my favourite thing in the world, but at least I had some free entertainment. My first train’s carriage had the largest volume of vomit I have ever seen (which isn't a casual statement seeing as I’ve dealt with a lot of vomit between Sarah at age 16 after a bottle of vodka and BBQ chicken pizza, and my time on nursing placements). 

The second train consisted of a rather intoxicated couple, with the girls heels in her hand, head buried in the guys chest and when their stop came, watching the guy have to physically lift her limp body off the seat. And here I was, with my massive backpack and reading my book by Stephen Hawking on the debate of religion vs science.

Anyway, this is about my first impression of Sweden. Jönköping (Yon-joh-ping) is beautiful, modest and dark (literally). I’ve had to get use to walking in the dark rather quickly. I have yet to see the sun, but where ever it is during the day, it’s completely gone before 4:30pm (a drastic change from my usual 9pm darkness thanks to daylight savings back home). 

We are not staying on school campus like we were told, but student housing which is a 15 minute bus ride away from Uni. It is a large community of apartments, the university rents a section of the suburb that surrounds a small building that acts as a ‘common room’ called Sockertoppen. There is wifi, a pool table and ping pong. Everyone comes down and has some drinks, plays some games (a game called mafia is a big thing here, very complicated to explain). Everyone is so friendly and it’s a great opportunity to meet people from all over the world.

It is commonly known that after a couple of Jimmy’s, I often find myself talking in random accents. However, I am finding here, even without the help of Mr. Beam I am having to talk in an accent for others to understand me. English is most people’s second language, plus with my accent they are finding it difficult to decipher what I’m saying. So I’ve unconsciously adopted a mut of an accent that kind of suits everyone’s accent. I’ve mainly been hanging out with a group of people consisting of Belgium, Netherlands, France, Spain and even American nationalities that struggle to understand my accent. So depending on who I am talking to, I adopt the relevant accent.

Jönköping highlights:

- Fika!: is very popular over here. It’s pretty much what we’d call a coffee date back home. I went and got Fika the other day with my Dutch friends. $13 for a hot chocolate and kakka (cake)!!!

- Akka: is a nightclub run by students. Water and soft drink is free and all the students wear these overall pant things. Every faculty has a different colour, so depending on what you are studying (e.g. health= white, engineering= green, education & communication= blue), you wear your respective overalls and receive patches (kind of like scouts) evertime you attend a student union activity.

- Ice skating: we went ice skating the other day. We were able to rent the skates for free and go skating at our local rink. It was so much fun! I’ve now decided I’m taking up ice hockey.

I am travelling to Norway today for 5 days, then back ‘home’ to Sweden for a couple of days and then am meeting Ben and Ali in Copenhagen!!!!

Hope everyone is doing well back home and making the most of the warmth! It half-heartedly snowed here the other day! I’m sure you’ll all see photos when I come across my first encounter with real snow!