#my point is that... yeah. These things aren't disconnected in the way a house isn't disconnected from the ecosystem and the environment

[blackvahana]

All that isn't saying people in realms don't have needs, to be clear. The opposite of that is what's being said really

There's some connecting tissue... It's probably just a case that people in different places have different needs. I mean I know that's a thing, but specifically... I guess maybe the answer lies more in the whole. what divides places. What divides realms? What divides planes? I mean the Void divides planes. What divides realms is a good question. Can one bring something from a realm to a plane? I mean. Yeah. Done that before. Is. the words in my brain because Black's just chillin in there

[genericpuff]

What is the thing you feel like Lore Olympus failed at or did the worst. The comic has a magnitude of problems but what is one problem that you have the most hatred for or just flat out makes you angry?

(Just curious)

There are so, so many things I could point to as "the worst" thing that the comic did, because it has a LOT of worsts, but I think ultimately the failing of the original myth's messaging has to take the cake because it's ultimately the root of all of LO's problems.

Rachel herself seems to have this disconnect between what's going on in her head vs. what she's actually writing. It's especially present in her Q&A's and interviews where she claims certain things about the comic / text that just aren't present in the slightest during the actual comic. One such example that ties into my answer is this response she gave to Girl Wonder Podcast:

"I feel like female characters in general, people will be a little harsher on them and sometimes way harsher on them, and I used to be like.. before I started writing the story and like making a story I was like yeah, sexism is not that bad, and [now] I was like oh it's bad. It's quite bad [laughs], so like, I don't know, I feel like the female characters in the story don't get so much of a pass. But this isn't consistent across the board, it's not all the time"

It's ironic at best and tone deaf at worst that she would claim that it's her audience being harsh on the female characters, when she's the one who wrote them into the characters they are that would get that reaction. Minthe had her BPD retconned so now she's just the abusive other girl. Hestia was turned into a cruel hypocrite when it was revealed she was a lesbian. Hera is racist to nymphs and cruel to the lower class and yet she's still rewarded in the end by getting to run off with a nymph girl who we've never seen her have any extended interaction with. And worst of all, Demeter was robbed of all of her agency all in favor of turning her into the evil Mother Gothel mom who's overbearing and cruel to poor Persephone. Some of these women deserve to be called out (Hera and Hestia), and others like Minthe and Demeter were simply used as props to do exactly what Rachel claims she doesn't like people doing and is labelling as sexism - to get harsh reactions and give the audience someone to hate on. Rachel desperately needs to learn to read her own work. Her audience is "sexist" towards these women because Rachel wrote them that way.

It fucking sucks and it's, ngl, extremely disrespectful to the messaging of the original myth that was written to comfort and empower the mothers who had lost their daughters to marriages back in the day. It wasn't some simple "aww the girl moved out and now she doesn't visit anymore!" girls who got married off were often literally never seen again and it wasn't by choice. Not only that, but in certain regions (such as in Athens) the women were isolated to their own section of the house upstairs (while the men lived downstairs) so that they wouldn't be seen by visiting guests or strangers.

It's why in some cultures the original H x P myth was considered a "golden standard" for marriages (at the time) because not only was Persephone given power over the domain alongside Hades, but she actually did get to see her mother - but it wasn't because Hades was just such a kind guy who would let her go willingly, it's because Demeter had to literally hold the world hostage and fight for her right to reunite with her child.

So for LO to not only twist Demeter's love and justifiable concern for her daughter into "helicopter parenting", but also rob her of her agency and power in fighting for her child, it fundamentally misses the entire point of the original myth and undoes itself as a retelling that's trying to be taken seriously in the discussion of Greek myth media. And for that, Rachel should be ashamed of herself.

[radnewspaperroom]

Wow, so uh....that new lesson huh?

I have.... thoughts.

Michael is getting a little too...all knowing and omnipresent 👀 I feel like.

Each time, he's spoken to MC without showing himself, and saved them while stuck in the past....but this time he's not...sending them back to their proper time?

Just helping them move?

It's rather strange.

The first time was when Solomon made food and they ate it. They woke up in the past when the boys were angels and we assume it's Michael, speaks to MC in a shinning light, like what happened in 13.

He sends MC back to their time, and tells them the conversations they've had with the boys will stick with them.

But this time...idk seemed different. Maybe it's because of how fresh the war is? But he seemed a lot...more standoffish?

and rather than just, yeeting MC through time and space again--he's just breaking whatever curse is on them so they can move.

Yet he's fully aware of how displaced they are, and that Nightbringer put them there and goes as far as to warn them.

It seems even Barbatos, up until the question of "where did you come from", doesn't realize you're from the future. And his whole ish is time and AUs.

If you choose the future option he cuts you off and makes the assumption your being an ass by referring to the human world as the future as humans see themselves above demons and comments on how it's a typical human answer: arrogant and rude.

I know angels aren't supposed to interfere too much, more to sit back and watch but it makes me wonder: did Michael send them back last time because they were in the Celestial Realm, and he doesn't care as much or isn't as concerned since they're in the Devildom this time?

Also, in his warning he says

And removes the curse of Snow White/Sleeping Beauty from MC.

Is he just curious how things will turn out? Does he not have the power this time to put MC back?

And why is he referring to the Celestial Realm that way? It almost reminds me of Simeon and his disconnect with the CR, speaking about it as if it's not his own decision that would be the call. We know Michael is basically Father's second in command, he's in charge of the CR basically from what we've seen.

Has that changed? Is Father going to be more present in this time? Or is it like the Devildom in the way of, there's a ring of command in the CR and they can over ride Michael if they all agree? Like how it seems the House of Shitlords tried to oppose Diavolo?

Also-- WTF?! Even if he passes everything he may still not be appointed King?!

Not the point of the post but, wtf?!

But yeah, so it seems Michael isn't Nightbringer, but he's aware of NB and what they've done, but isn't interfering too much.

I've had a theory in my head, partly as a joke, that Michael is a blonde, blue eyed Lucifer to be the day to his night (black hair, red eyes) and no one sees the resemblance

But what if Michael is Father in disguise? A way to connect to his creations on another level? He'd still be Omnipresent, powerful etc just in a different skin with his power hidden to pretend to be someone else.

I have no concrete proof to make this a legitimate theory, just a nagging voice in the back of my mind:

1. Michael is in charge, despite everyone fawning over Lucifer when he was an angel.

2. he's so seemingly "all knowing" and powerful.

3. Father has been missing or absent for a long time according to Simeon in the og Obey me (Boogeyman trial)

4. Everyone is terrified of Father, even if their biggest fear isn't of him. (Again, Boogeyman trial. Simeon's and Lucifer's biggest fear was him, when the boys wanted to go with MC to the CR, Lucifer asks if they really think Father would let them in)

5. He was represented in the Boogeyman trial as a bright, particular light, with no physical form. Simeon says "I haven't seen that light in a very long time" or something along those lines. Anytime we'ved talked to "Michael" it's been the same, aside from peeking at his texts.

At any rate, I loved it, loved how it flowed and already marked the calendar for 10-11 more days (should be around the 23rd-24th) so I can pounce when it's released

[archivedjuice]

my favourite part about marty mcfly's character is that for a character in an 80s movie, i can't figure him out at all. like i get he's supposed to be relatable for the average usamerican at the time hence why he's not a part of a specific cliché nor does he have a ton of friends who are of a particular archetype; he's specifically created so that people are able to project onto him. like not to say that micheal j. fox isn't attractive but there's a reason eric stoltz was switched out for him and it was most definitely because eric has the typical, attractive popular, artsy, very boyfriend-ish guy look that was wanted for mainly romance movies, which isn't what the average usamerican is nor did his look target the kind of fanbase zemeckis probably wanted (which was a set of nerdy teens/adults). but yeah my point is that despite the very obvious parts about the way marty was written and why he was written that way there are still some very unique and, in my own head, intriguing parts about his character.

like for example, for a kid that's perpetually confused about science and everything to do with it, how the hell did he become friends with the doc? honestly there aren't any straight forward canon hints to this but i like to think that it's because he had a ton of cool stuff at his house and let marty, a teen with (previously) disconnected yet strict and lower income parents, mess around with them without consequence—hence, the opening scene with him turning that huge speaker all the way up and blowing it out with his guitar (which he didn't have when he got to the house so does he leave his guitar at the doc's house because of this? wait, did he become friends with the doc because his house was a place for him to practice playing the guitar?) and trashing the previously already messy living room.

another thing about his character is definitely related to the fact that he's supposed to be project-able (is that a word) but i find it intriguing that he's a pretty nuanced character for a popular 80s movie. he's not one thing that exists to be moved along in the narrative, marty is often the thing that pushes the narrative along because he's consistently multifaceted which is a nice change of pace from the usual stereotyped/caricatured teenager for characters in his age group and typical for similar target audiences; he's cool and confident but he's also awkward and his voice cracks and he's always out of breath and sweaty because he always has some place to be, has something to do and some situation to get out of. he's extremely expressive and even when he's not supposed to he can't help but gesture or verbalise his emotions. he's authoritative and even sometimes a little bossy and dismissive but not of his own fault (always has someplace to be yada yada). he's also selfless and determined and displays character traits indicating that he's definitely in the same 'inherently good' archetype as someone from a superhero movie or something but he's also human and buys that almanac first because he's a nerd and thinks it's something about being in the future that's genuinely cool and then he realises (through external intervention (someone pointed it out)), 'holy shit i can genuinely make money off of this' but then his much older friend steps in and turns into a parent for a split second to reprimand him about buying that almanac which he then backs off from (not entirely, because he is pretty salty about biff stealing his idea to get rich off that book), eventually learning, through experience, how absolutely awfully his actions have backfired which is something else that happens pretty often in the trilogy—marty messes up but he isn't immune to consequences with plot armour, the plot armour comes in other ways like their plans working out perfectly or things working out after the fact, the movies often revolve around a plot set in motion as a consequence to an action of his and he consistently shows real growth (so i guess they could also double as coming of age if you really wanted them to or if you can genuinely really stretch it that far).

also speaking of which doc brown and marty's dynamic is interesting; it's very sibling-like. while they can banter and converse like friends, there is very obviously a difference in their lives and the way they experience it but that's what they live and understand about each other. their differences aren't hated or resented by either of them either, if anything it brings them closer. there's a post about how doc emmett bends his knees so that he's at marty's height whenever he's talking to him and i thought it was very interesting because i agree with op: at no point in any of the six (6!) hours of content is it condescending; the doc understands the difference in the way they think and is more than happy to breach that chasm of difference so that marty can understand, or begin to understand. i also think it's interesting that the doc stepping up and becoming a voice of reason for marty goes the other way as well, marty's naïvity and teenage skepticism about trying new things also briefly becomes the doc's voice or reason or at least a reminder for his own principles at several points in the film. the doc keeps the note marty made for him all those years ago despite his own belief of how one should handle future events about oneself because he trusted marty's insistence that the information he needed to know was just that important.

going back to my point about marty showing real growth by the end of the films; it's kind of really obvious that the last two movies are more cohesive than if they were to be grouped with the first and one of my favourite pieces of character consistency is the concept of marty and his tendency to be manipulated into conflict by means of name calling. i find this one to be especially fascinating because this concept isn't even introduced with marty, it's introduced by onlooking characters (conversation between his family members and is found out by jennifer) while it's simultaneously being demonstrated with marty in café 80s. it's never brought up by other characters either and there isn't any explicit intervention by them in the sense that they bring it to his attention and they stop him, marty recognises the danger of it himself—it's not explicit that he recognises that his impulsivity is directly related to said name calling ('chicken' lol) but he does learn to access the situation and think before he acts. this can sound pretty basic on it's own but i genuinely really do enjoy how it's executed—which can be said for most concepts relating to marty's character which i think is what makes him great. he also happens to be super cute:

td;rl — marty mcfly is the most character ever. the character that became, that started, the cliché.

[shamelessrabbithole]

Not the previous anon but what I feel about this label-less relationship (considering that yeah I like him and I consider him attractive, but I also have mixed opinions about how he behaves in romantic relationships) goes a bit like this. It's a dumb analogy but bear with me please. In my life (I have a legal adyacent job), I have seen many glamorous jobs with high salaries, a certain lifestyle that comes with it, many perks that come with a job, etc. But at the end of the day, it's public knowledge that people working these jobs are sitting at their desks over 60 or 70, hours a week, without being able to disconnect themselves. That's the less glamorous part of the job. Sure, you can get a fancy house and car, nice clothes and whatever with your high salary but you're also constantly exhausted. Many people straight up quit the profession after some years.

So for me, a romantic relationship with him (not that it's on my cards being able to even be acquaintances with him lol) feels a bit like seeing a fancy job offer advertised on Linkedin. I see the fancy trips, the Ludlow stays, his pool, the constant photoshoots, etc. And that's it. God knows what goes behind the scenes that isn't posted prettily on social media. He seems to have a very unique personality, maybe a bit too intense even (just from what we know about his relationship with Peyton or Sadie, maybe he doesn't know how to let go). Would I be jealous of any girl who gets the nice, fun parts of a relationship with him? Sure. But if I were in the place of the girl (Madison in this case), I'd really ask myself if the nice things are worth the possibly not so nice stuff? She has already gotten maybe one or two mean comments when she commented on the nursery post. Who knows if she got any DMs in a similar sense. Feels like even being showed off on his stories won't get her necessarily good rep. Maybe Lauren or the other girls were more used to it because they have insta profiles where tbh you see a bunch of random people either praising them over their pictures from photoshoots or just being straight up weird and creepy under a swim suit picture. Feels like Madison is used to another type of social media experience -friends and colleagues from the dancing world who are generally very kind to e/o. SO YEAH there's that. It feels like, for the sake of her mental sanity, it's best if she doesn't confirm anything. Sorry for the long ass message.

No worries about your message being long. I agree with the first half of your ask. That social media distills down the look of someone's lifestyle to only show the highlights. And the highlights of being with someone like Cam include fun travels and interesting photo shoots. But that the reality is probably more humdrum that what appears.

As for the negativity received on social media by his partners, I really don't think any of that would make a huge impact. I can imagine myself dating someone exceptional and wonderful, but a downside to that being jealous, anonymous trolls trying to make me feel bad about myself. Would I really give up an amazing relationship and life for some internet chatter? Would anyone? It's not gotten overwhelming to the point they couldn't even turn on their devices without being harrassed. And if it did ever get that bad, deactivating would've been a perfectly reasonable option.

The main issue with Cam, I think, is that he's been a performer from a very young age. He didn't have a male role model growing up, and he is very much an artist to his core. Being a boyfriend in all of the traditional ways we expect might not be in his DNA, and someone like Madison, who is also forever creating and making art and seeing the beauty in the mundane, might be perfect for him right now. It seems like an undemanding, highly encouraging relationship between two people who aren't forging a romance, so much as pushing each other to fully explore their passions.

So, that's my take on what we're seeing and why it's working for them at the moment. (I came upon this conclusion earlier today while brushing my teeth. 🦷)

[volturialice]

When people say that other vampires shouldn't "treat" Carlisle and Esme as "parents", I just roll my eyes and continue to make headcanons about the Cullen family and C&E "parents". Like, I imagine a lot of Jasper and Emmett being grounded the most, because, for heaven's sake, there's no way those two could live in the same house without breaking 1 or 2 of Esme's vases a day. It's kind of funny to do that. but anyway, do you have any thoughts on Carlisle & Esme as parents?

((But, I agree, it would be MUCH BETTER if Smeyer made them in their late 20's or early 30's (since they consider themselves the age they were turned, and not the age they really are, otherwise Jasper would be older than Esme) and not as young as "their children" (speaking more of Carlisle here, since Esme was turned at 26 or so))

yeah, I think the debate about whether or not the cullen kids should think of their parents as parents stems from a couple different disconnects.

on carlisle's and esme's ages

first, carlesme's movie ages vs book ages. 23 and 26 in the book vs the 33 and 34ish -year-old actors.

I think this was a wise decision on the filmmakers' part, especially considering the actors playing their 17-20 year old "kids" were all, in typical hollywood fashion, in their early twenties themselves (except kstew.) like, kellan lutz was the same age as book!carlisle. it was a smart move to cast actors in their early thirties as the "parents" because they still look absurdly young to be these teenagers' parents, but at least they look old enough to pay taxes and practice medicine now, and the age gap between them and the "kids" is wide enough to make them more plausible mentor/parent figures (rather than the mere three years between emmett and carlisle in the books—that's the age difference between me and my sister, and in no universe would I make a fit parent for her lmaooo. also I'm 27 and I was mistaken for a teenager literally yesterday, so the idea that esme would even appear older than her kids is kind of a tossup to begin with.)

so with that in mind, I've pretty much adopted their movie ages as my own hc. smeyer's intention was to have them be Absurdly Youthful Parents, and that much is fun and works, but she went so extreme that she strayed into doesn't-make-sense, can't-suspend-my-disbelief territory, so we Reject her version of canon there (except for memes.)

second...I know it's the fandom-wide adopted hc, and something smeyer trumpets about, but I'm not sure they do consider themselves the age they were turned at (or that we as readers should, anyway.) I personally don't. No matter where your brain's development was halted, someone with 109 years of lived experience just isn't a teenager. they just aren't. I think if we're gonna handwave away the ~discomfort~ of seeing a 109-year-old vampire date a human teenager by going "it's ok because he's also a teenager" that kind of defeats the point of gothic/supernatural romance, y'know? it's about that discomfort. it's about loving the monstrous, in monstrous ways. it's about conceptualizing things that are impossible in real life.

so I don't see edward as 17 or 109, I see him as a guy who is 17 in some ways and 109 in others.

and the same goes for carlisle and esme! like, this man lit rally came over on a ship in his tri-cornered hat and colonized america, he is not the same as your 23-year-old cousin who works at bath & body works. or even your extremely wealthy and driven 23-year-old cousin who just got into stanford med school.

thoughts on carlesme as parents

I think carlisle and esme are very aware of how weirdly they're positioned, age-wise, in relation to their kids (even in my own little hc-universe where they're in their thirties.) I imagine they chose to take on the role of parents due to a combination of 1) that's what these particular "kids" needed (which I think is true in most of their cases—more on that in another meta), and 2) that's what they themselves wanted. it's pretty obvious in esme's case, having just lost her biological infant son and then choosing to fill that void. she feels she was meant to be a mother and has all these maternal instincts she's just gotta use on SOMEONE, y'know? and in carlisle's case, he's never lacked for friends and peers (see: all of breaking dawn) but he has lacked a family, and I guess he too wanted kids. not to mention, edward's mother entrusted him to carlisle, in this sort of "one adult guardian to another" way that kind of sets up that relationship.

so yeah, I think they treat their immortal, centenarian kids differently than they would treat actual human teenagers. said kids are all married to each other (pause to lmfaooo), they have decades of adult experiences, they have superbrains, and they accordingly get a lot of freedom. carlisle and esme don't actually have to do much care-taking or "raising," they can mostly sit back and provide love, guidance, and support as needed, which I think they're very content to do.

[tallestpenny]

Idk if this is an open to conversation post, but it's tumblr, so here's my two cents.

I won't try to change anyone's mind on who to ship, because NOTPs and squicks are all valid. We all have our custom-made fandom sandboxes. But I just want to give a perspective on why some of us do ship these things.

I really like ShippersGuideToTheGalaxy's video analysis of Jaydick (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_xxfCOvhiA). (Really the last 3 minutes. The first 6 minutes is just background.) One thing she points out is that people enter into the batfam fandom at different points, with different comics and/or fanfics, when different things were happening.

Some comics show a very family batfam vibe, while others have a more disconnected approach. Yeah, Bruce is always the common factor, but in some comics he barely parents Tim, if at all. (Angry rant for another time. Grrr Bruce.)

In that case, someone's first impression of Tim and Jason would be like that of, idk, Steph and Tim (with less torture). They've both experienced Robin, they both have a weird relationship with Bruce, but they aren't really family, at least not the same way that my sister is part of my family.

Or they see abusive dad!Bruce in the comics, so they don't even share a common parent, just an abusive foster parent that they interacted with for a hot minute.

Another perspective is the OG family vs. the found family contrast. Even with the "parental" figure, in a lot of the comics, the batkids weren't really raised together. Dick leaves the house, then Jason shows up. Jason dies, then Tim shows up. Damian shows up, and then Tim quickly leaves. From that angle, they weren't raised together. They had their unique childhoods/backstories and only came together as the batfam in their teens. It has more of a found family vibes.

(Y'know, if anything, the way everyone tries to kill each other half the time, platonic or no, is probably more problematic. Idk if it'd be healthy for me to hang out with my sis if she tried to kill me, until we both had lots of therapy. And maybe she had some jail time. But whatever. This is fiction.)

And found family interdating isn't really incest. I would never develop romantic feelings for my raised-with sister, but it wouldn't be too shocking if I dated a member of my found family.

So yeah, that's why some of us don't necessarily see "batcest" as actual incest. For me, I can see the batfam as purely family platonic vibes, or not-purely platonic family vibes, or a mixture. That doesn't mean I want to sleep with my sister. It's not a "lets ship these brothers", as much as "lets ship these dudes with similar backstories".

Vaguely-related rant:

That out of the way, if you've gotten this far (congrats!), brace yourself for my rant. There are some people who do ship the batfam in a deliberately incest-y way. And that is okay.

There are numerous ways why someone enjoys incest fics, from trauma, to, idk, fantasy desires that they don't want irl, to who knows what. Gatekeeping that generally leads to more trauma.

What you want to read and what you want to do irl are two very different things. I used to be obsessed with Tom Riddle. Did I want to date a murderous psychopath irl? Definitely not!

To say that reading/writing/whatever incest content with fictional character who can't get hurt because they're fictional, is like saying that shooting someone in a videogame is like shooting someone irl. Or videogames lead to violence. Which is not true.

(I'm not saying that this is what OP was saying. I'm just on a separate, vaguely-related tangent/rant over here, because it took me 10 painful years to figure this out, and I have Feelings about this.)

I write a dark batfam series where Bruce tortures and manipulates people in frankly horrific ways. But I have yet to emulate this behavior, and frankly, I don't want to. I don't like hurting real people with real thoughts and feelings.

There's the argument that reading about incest/violence/bad things normalizes them. However, if their creator is doing their diligent job (rant for another time), those works should be tagged in a way so that the reader knows that they're about to read something messed up. By saying, here's torture, and also torture is bad, it does the opposite of normalizing it. It highlights that this is a bad thing irl. Because of these warning and tags, my understanding of consent was shaped way better than what they taught (didn't teach) in school. I've read things that 14 y/o me thought were healthy, but then the author was like, fyi, this is a shitty dynamic. Do not emulate. Avoid dating someone like this. If this happens, it's bad. Etc. In most ways, this is actually better than the media that people make for a profit! It wasn't until I immersed myself in fandom that I realized the, uh, issues with Edward and Bella's relationship.

So there's my two cents/word vomit. Let me know if I'm missing anything, or if you disagree and why. Fandom convos that require deep thinking are fun! :)

What's your opinion on people shipping members of the batfam? Like, people ship jason and dick and I'm like bruh they're brothers but I get Barbara and Dick, Stephanie and Cass etc

yeah it’s a fuck no for me. batcest, or any way of shipping any of the wayne kids with each other i find really fucking gross, incestuous and it kind of also erases adoptive family bonds, in that it implies that being adoptive or foster siblings means you aren’t really siblings, which is a shitty narrative that i don’t like.

i think stuff like steph and cass, barbara and dick, isn’t the same, because neither steph nor barbara were ever raised by bruce, or call the other bats their siblings, which dick, jason, tim, cass, duke, and even damian have done canonically. 

while i don’t understand how people got to the conclusion that they thought ‘yeah let’s ship these brothers’ i assume it’s got something to do with misreading platonic and fraternal relationships as romantic, or just a bunch of only children who never realised siblings don’t actually have to call each other ‘bro’ or ‘sis’ all the time to be siblings.

all in all, i fucking despise it. but one thing i wonder is if these people have siblings or adoptive siblings and are just constantly trying to fuck them? are y’all in love with your brothers and sisters batcest people?

[epajournal]

Anonymous9837 Not seeing new messages? Click here to correct.

Anonymous9837:

22:17

While an IMALIVE Volunteer is joining this chat, please take a moment to read this disclaimer. If your chat disconnects unexpectedly, it may be caused by wifi network connection issues, so please log back in and start a new chat. IMALIVE chat is for those who are thinking about suicide or are in distress. If you are having trouble seeing new messages or typing, please select - Click here to refresh - on top of the chat window. If you or someone you know is currently in the state of medical emergency, please dial 911 or your local emergency number for an ambulance. The volunteer will not be able to locate you without your help. If you wish to speak to someone on the phone right now, you can also call 1-800-SUICIDE(784-2433) or visit befrienders.org to find your local hotline. Please stay online while the next available volunteer is connecting to the chat....

Alex:

22:18

IMALIVE Volunteer joined the chat.

Alex:

22:18

Hi, my name is Alex. May I ask your name?

Anonymous9837:

22:18

Hey there. I guess Elise, that's my real name.

Anonymous9837:

22:18

I don't know, I feel silly doing this at all. I guess first, how are you?

Alex:

22:19

It sounds like you're worried about being judged

Anonymous9837:

22:19

Well, I'm mostly worried about being whiny, honestly.

Anonymous9837:

22:19

Like... I don't know, I'm not in an immediate place where I'm going to hurt myself, honestly

Alex:

22:19

Why don't we start with what brought you here today

Anonymous9837:

22:20

I just know if I don't talk about it or at least let someone know I'm having bad thoughts that it'll swell into a pretty crappy place later.

Anonymous9837:

22:20

Well, I guess just... My life's in a real weird place. I'm on medication but I've been off it for a few days, back on it again. I've been in therapy for close to a year but my life just seems to be getting worse.

Anonymous9837:

22:20

I think I need to get a new therapist or something, or at least talk to her about improving our sessions. But it's tough.

Anonymous9837:

22:21

I also know that we're at a place where it's like... There's not too much more she can do for me in a lot of ways.

Anonymous9837:

22:21

And I guess that's scary.

Alex:

22:22

It can be very discouraging when you feel the help you're getting isn't helping. It sounds like this is adding extra stress to your life at a very bad time

Anonymous9837:

22:23

I wish I had something that was more unknown to me or had some big revelation about why I'm all dysfunctional, but. I don't. I feel like a car that's been taken apart and clearly you can see things aren't working right, but somehow you can't get the pieces to fit back together right. There's not much more to do than just trash it, you know?

Anonymous9837:

22:23

And yeah, it's demotivating. It took me a long time to go to therapy again, I mean I went through a bunch of therapy as a kid and none of it was too much help. I took a chance with it again recently and it's just been...

Anonymous9837:

22:24

I guess a lot of it has been useful, at the very least I can say I'm working on it, but I just want to be... Not even "fine", but just better.

Anonymous9837:

22:25

It's hard to imagine a year ago that I was nearly a functioning person, but. I guess it's a real shaky support that keeps that facade going, things were clearly going wrong.

Anonymous9837:

22:25

Sorry, I feel weird not asking again, how are you?

Alex:

22:26

No need to feel weird. We are here to work with you and focus on how you are doing

Anonymous9837:

22:26

Well, thank you.

Anonymous9837:

22:27

I'm in my late twenties and live with my mom and brother... Our house isn't big enough for everyone so we ended up with me in the basement, but in the last few months I finally decided I couldn't take it anymore and moved upstairs, even though that means not having a room and sleeping in the living room.

Anonymous9837:

22:29

And it's been a rough adjustment. I can't get myself to take care of my messes easily as it is, so combine having a small house where I don't have a room, things build up, people get upset. I've been out of work since last July, I had some financial fortune to get by but I fucked that up pretty badly and I'm broke again, but I just... There's no way I can hold a job. My therapist and I are working on SSI but it just... takes a while, and it makes me feel like I'm a brat.

Anonymous9837:

22:30

My mom's disabled, physically, so it's like. I feel like I'm making an excuse for myself when I should just be having a job. I've worked before for years, but I just can't. I mean I can barely keep myself showered, or bother to eat, even though I'm a fat sunnovabitch because I rarely leave my house.

Anonymous9837:

22:30

So it's just... Things get tense. I don't want to be a burden on anyone.

Anonymous9837:

22:31

The answer seems to be that it'd be easiest if I weren't here, but aside from it being a scary idea, I know that'd be a lot of shit my family would have to go through.

Anonymous9837:

22:31

But I still think about it a lot, and it's upsetting.

Anonymous9837:

22:32

I just want to be left alone, honestly. I feel like most of my life I haven't had any chance to just "be". I want to exist but just barely, I guess.

Anonymous9837:

22:33

I've been working on it, it doesn't look like it, but I have been. I'm just not well, physically and psychologically. Today I started an herb garden, I'm raising them from seeds, hopefully they work.

Anonymous9837:

22:34

I try to take my dog out, I got a FitBit so I can be mindful of my movement. But as soon as I do these things, people think I'm shirking important things, but... I need to do anything I can now, because otherwise I just do nothing.

Alex:

22:34

You sound very invested in your recovery. It can be tough feeling like a burden on people, but it sounds like you have a family that you care about and that cares about you. So it sounds like at some point in the past you felt you were doing better, but you now feel yourself spiraling in a downward direction. You're not sure if it's the move to a less private living situation, or the medication or if you should try seeing a new professional and it sounds like all these factors are really overwhelming you

Anonymous9837:

22:35

I fantasize about running away a lot. But I have a dog who I feel like I need to be there for even though my family would take care of her, and I have a 20 year-old cat... And I don't want to ditch him.

Anonymous9837:

22:35

Yeah, that all sounds fair. I mean, it's a long history of dysfunction, I can't even tell you my family history and growing up.

Anonymous9837:

22:36

I guess the one good thing about therapy is I'm finally so tired of mourning my past because I just can't be bothered to talk about it anymore, which is saying something, because it's been the only thing I can discuss with any passion for a while.

Anonymous9837:

22:37

But now I'm just like, "here I am," and it's crappy. Like, that's done. There's nothing I can do that I haven't already to try and compartmentalize and digest it better. But I'm still messed up and now I'm an adult and nobody can fix it for me.

Anonymous9837:

22:38

Some days I feel okay. But I just... I'm tired all the time and I don't care about anything, the only thing that I actually feel emotionally responsive to is when I'm upsetting people.

Anonymous9837:

22:39

I tried to move into my dad's a number of years ago after he told me there'd "always be a place" for me with him, and he knows things have been awful, and he's a lot to blame for it. But when I did, he suddenly didn't have room, which sucked. It kind of felt like I finally went to make a huge change in my life even though I was scared and ultimately was told, "nah." Like... Idk.

Anonymous9837:

22:39

I just keep thinking I need to get out of here, and the only feasible way I can imagine that is to not exist anymore.

Anonymous9837:

22:39

But that's a whole mess to itself.

Anonymous9837:

22:40

It's a good thing I'm anxious about what happens after you die, though. A lot of the time that's the only thing that keeps me here-- I guess that's true for a lot of people, but still.

Alex:

22:41

There really is no easy fix, which can make things seem hopeless. Elise, have you been thinking about suicide?

Anonymous9837:

22:41

Oh sure, but that's nothing new. I think about it pretty constantly, but I'm not going to enact it.

Anonymous9837:

22:42

I walked in on my mom readying to kill herself when I was thirteen and decided I didn't want to do that to anybody.

Anonymous9837:

22:42

But it's still a thought, and it's one of those things where it's just... Super depressing to realize that's what you'd kind of like to do.

Alex:

22:43

But you haven't thought about how and when you want to kill yourself and you're able to stay safe while we continue to chat?

Anonymous9837:

22:44

Yeah, I'm okay. That's why I'm talking now, so I don't have more of these thoughts later. I took an Ativan recently and I'm getting pretty calmed down in addition to that. I'm not in any danger to myself now, but. It's preventative, I guess.

Anonymous9837:

22:45

I've never really thought /how/ I'd kill myself, they all seem pretty creepy. More of what would happen after, which I guess is less dangerous.

Anonymous9837:

22:45

(my ativan is prescription, btw, I don't use it often but I do have it officially for when I need it)

Anonymous9837:

22:46

I just kind of needed someone to talk to so it didn't stay in my head and chest and get into Bad Territory.

Anonymous9837:

22:46

I just hope I'll be Okay someday. I keep thinking I'm about to get to the final corner of this maze but it just keeps goddamn turning.

Alex:

22:47

Ok. Well Elise, what else do you think would help you right now? It sounds like having someone to talk to has helped with the stress a bit

Anonymous9837:

22:47

And it's tough, too, because you can't see all the progress you've made in these situations. But that's the depression talking.

Anonymous9837:

22:47

and yeah, it has, I'm getting pretty relaxed again already, so thank you for that.

Anonymous9837:

22:48

I think I need to contact my therapist and discuss making our appointments more constructive, and contact my doctor to start finding a psychiatrist I like. My recent one retired.

Anonymous9837:

22:48

Which sucks, I really liked her.

Anonymous9837:

22:48

I need to keep on my SSI application... And just keep working through my list of to-do's, since every one of those I complete makes me feel like I'm doing a little bit better.

Anonymous9837:

22:49

I guess for right now I should get something to eat or drink and do little things, maybe just fold my clothes while I watch a movie, and probably write in my journal.

Anonymous9837:

22:50

And maybe tonight I'll go for a drive for some privacy and have a good cry-- I've been needing to do that for a while now.

Alex:

22:51

It sounds like feeling like you are making steps toward your recovery is important to you. You have a very well built plan of next steps to take.

Anonymous9837:

22:52

Thanks, I guess it's a matter of me actually doing them, haha. My mom actually is out here trying to get me to talk to her and... I think I should, I don't mean to cut off from you so quickly, but I'm calmed down and I know there are people out there in actual danger.

Alex:

22:52

Would you like someone from the IMAlive Team to follow up with you? That follow-up would be via email, a few days after this chat.

Anonymous9837:

22:53

Mm... I think I'm okay, actually-- Or, would that be just a check-in, I guess?

Anonymous9837:

22:53

Sure, you can contact me at *********@gmail.com, I guess.

Anonymous9837:

22:54

Gives me something to keep working on myself for so I can reply with positive news, haha.

Anonymous9837:

22:54

Hopefully!

Alex:

22:54

A check-in. Ok Elise a member of IMAlive will follow up with you. In the meantime, be good to yourself smiley

Anonymous9837:

22:55

Thanks so much, I really appreciate you listening to me.

🙂

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Diagnostics End Chat

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[thefandomlesbian]

I included a flashback scene like this in Following the River Styx. It isn't standalone, buuuuut...

In the greenhouse, Misty stirred a paste, looming over the vase to watch it change colors when her magic interacted with the potent herbs. A satisfied grin crept upon her face. She shook off her stick. "Very good," Cordelia praised.

The blonde jumped in surprise and whirled around. "Miss Cordelia!" The brief shocked expression dissipated into a bright, delighted smile. "I'm glad you're feeling better. Miss Myrtle said it would be awhile yet."

"Myrtle would prefer to coddle me to the end of my days." Mismatched eyes studied the witch before her. Cordelia had seen all of her other wards before her accident, but Misty had arrived after the acid attack. She knew some things but not all of them—she knew that Misty had thick hair but not what color; she knew that she had a sweetly accented voice but not the color of her lips. She's beautiful. The impression of it refused to leave, the sheer beauty that she had missed. It felt like meeting a new person; there was a disconnect in Cordelia's mind between the one who had mended her broken body when she had fallen down the stairs and the pretty thing in front of her. "Why aren't you at dinner with the others?"

"Oh, it—it's not really my thing. Madison's too nasty for my tastes. Doesn't like my music." She scraped out the paste into the soil of a dying belladonna plant. "If I'd known she was such a bitch when Zoe asked me to fix her, I wouldn't have done it so quick. She's out to make life hell for everyone, ain't she?"

Chuckling, Cordelia replied, "Yes, she has been for a long time." The brown-leafed plant straightened as Misty smoothed the paste down over the dirt. The blonde touched the stems, and leaf by leaf, it revived and greened again. "You're very talented," she observed.

A pink flush rose to Misty's cheeks. "Oh—nah, I can't do much else. But thank you." She wiped off her dirty fingers on the front of her shirt. "Them eyes are wicked cool. Were they always like that?"

"No. Myrtle has an artistic touch." A dry tone touched Cordelia's voice as she recalled Fiona's first scathing words upon seeing her new eyes. Nothing would ever please her mother, but she always found herself astonished by Fiona's new lows of despicable words.

"Well, I like them." Misty offered an apologetic grin. "I'm sorry for playin' around in your stuff. Madison told me to get lost, but I can get out of the way if you need the space."

Eyes widening, Cordelia rushed to reassure her. "No, no. Please, stay. I appreciate the company." She advanced into the aisle and brushed by some of the plants. Her ability to care for them had vanished with her sight, but they all flourished. "Have you been taking care of them long?" she ventured. The pungent mingling aromas held a familiar sense of safety that nothing in the house could replicate, and ordinarily, she preferred to spend her time here alone, but Misty didn't have the loud presence of a normal person. She just existed in the simplest of ways; her very being agreed with nature, leaving no lasting imprint upon the world around her.

A sheepish look touched Misty's lips in a low quirk. "Yeah," she admitted. "Zoe told me they were dying. I started fixing them up as soon as I got here. Hope you don't mind. I couldn't stand the thought of them suffering."

"I'm glad that they had someone to care for them," Cordelia reassured. She stood right beside the other witch with the intentions of studying the belladonna that she had just resurrected, but her new eyes refused to leave Misty's face. "Thank you for everything you've done for our coven. You are more valuable to this group than you could possibly know."

"Aw, shucks." The pink tinge to her cheeks darkened. "I'm glad you think that, but, really, I'm nothing special."

Cordelia could have insisted otherwise, could have argued her point, and she wanted to do it badly, but she pinched her tongue to the roof of her mouth. You are a wonder, her mind rambled, and I'll prove it to you. "Well," she said instead, shifting into a change of subject, "what do you know about practical healing? I have a few books, if you'd like to help me. I've been working on some new potions."

Misty's mirthful eyes lit up. "Cool!"

fanfic about the first time Cordelia actually SAW Misty after Myrtle restored her eyesight please??????