#my paychecks have significantly decreased since the start of the year !!! i’m making a significant amount less than i had determined

[voulezloux]

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[wordscannotdescribethesethoughts]

4/2/20 (april)

What the fuck is the world right now.

I have almost no money left. My dad lost his job two months ago and hasn’t found work yet. Even if he does, it will be a pay decrease. I can’t find a job anywhere and now it’s actually impossible because everything is shut down. Almost everyone is getting laid off or making significantly less money or can’t find work or has a paycheck for now but who knows what the future will bring. I can’t even apply to get unemployment insurance money because I wasn’t working before this. I was trying to become financially independent. Now I know that is not going to possible for a while. I hate relying on other people for a place to live or money to buy food. I feel like shit because I stopped working to go to grad school, cause now I can’t pay for anything and school is so expensive.

I need to move into my own place and get a full-time job and support myself, and then go back to school a year later. But now I can’t even get a job. The only places that are still operating are grocery stores and hospitals. I’m going to try to get into freelance writing online, but that is going to be difficult to get started and it will be awhile before I start making like any money. I’m also taking full-time classes at grad school (which are all online now).

I’ve so had it with my boyfriend literally constantly smoking weed. He told me he wanted to quit and that he would try. It’s been over a year now since we agreed on that. Nothing. He keeps telling me something different and making up excuses or turns it into a joke and ignores what I’m saying. I can’t do this anymore. I have been kind and patient, I have tried to help him out by distracting him, I have tried to remind him, I have tried to make jokes about it, I have tried getting angry at him, I even told him that if he keeps going forever I’m not going to want to be with him. He tells me what I want to hear, and then doesn’t even try to quit. His excuse was that he “couldn’t quit while we’re doing long distance because it’s too hard and he just sits at home depressed.” Now that I’m here for a while and obviously not going anywhere anytime soon because of the pandemic, he says “I never said I was going to quit.” I’m not stupid. I’m fucking done, is what I am.

He has shown me he is capable of lasting, significant change in other areas of his life. He just doesn’t want to do this. Not for himself, and not enough to actually do something about it. I love him so much and honestly he is perfect in every other way. I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him. But I can’t do this. I just can’t. I can’t sit by and watch him actively escape from everything all the time. His diet consists of white bread/white pasta, meat, occasionally cheese, milk, and junk food. He eats chips with every meal unless he makes mashed potatoes instead. He never exercises at all. The most I have gotten him to do is a 5-10 minute walk (a couple times) which two of those he initiated, so it is progress, but still fuck. He smokes cigarettes a lot. All he does is watch tv, sit on his phone (facebook videos and occasionally reddit), and play video games. All while smoking so much weed of course. He smokes weed every single night before bed, he’s even taken it with him on family camping trips and snuck off to do it, because he doesn’t want to sit with his thoughts at night for more than 30 seconds so he takes it to pass out immediately. He has never eaten a single meal without watching tv. He will pull netflix up on his phone if for some reason he doesn’t have access to the tv. He refuses to eat a single meal without the tv on. He has real escape problems and he doesn’t give a shit to change any of them at all. I’ve tried to explain to him that it’s not a bad thing to just think for a couple minutes. He said it was. o.O

I told myself that if he was still smoking weed on March break, that I would not move in with him until he quit weed completely. He always tries to bargain with me and says “what if I just do it at night before bed.” Like he really believes that he can ONLY do it once a day. No? He doesn’t want to quit. He just doesn’t want me to leave him.

It is soooooo unattractive that he does not care about his health at all. I’m done believing his lies about his addiction to weed. That he’ll stop. Yeah right. I can’t do this. He wants kids like more than anything, and I am NOT having kids with someone who’s addicted to weed and doesn’t care about his health in other ways either, including never eating a goddamn vegetable in his life.