#my pal also told me ginger is good so guess who's gonna make some of that later today

[mocacheezy]

Me: *loudly and happily vocally stimming for a long period of time*

My throat:

[glamrus-puta]

Help I Start School Tomorrow: A Check List

Do you need some sweet ass advice from somebody who’s spent no less than 18 years struggling through the muck of academia? Of course you do! Here’s a handy-ass dandy-ass guide to wtf should be going on in your pre-school prep!

Let’s get started~

1) What should I do with my day before I go back to the hell hole that is school?

I’m glad you asked! Do things that make the start of the semester feel like a fun and luxurious adventure awaits you! Especially for college and university people, the start of the semester loses pizzazz with age (and time).

Hype yourself up with some simple self care, these things don’t have to be expensive or cost anything at all if you can utilize what’s lying around in your kitchen, bathroom, neighbour’s house or wherever.

Wash your damn hair! Shower and take all the time you need, shave if you want to while you’re in there. The goal is to feel fresh and a lil less greasy the next morning.

Are you a lazy ass that doesn’t have time to moisturize? Me too! Get some Nivea in-shower lotion if you can, and before you towel dry douse yourself with baby oil gel (or literally just some olive oil or coconut oil- whatever you got lying around). Show yourself some love!!

Now is a great time to style your hair for tomorrow and protect it with a low pony or a night cap, btw

Do a face mask! Do a hair mask! Do a foot mask! Do whatever tf kind of mask you got handy! Use foods from your kitchen, or try Freeman masks they’re around 4$ each. Dollar store prices, department store quality.

Take an hour to fix your nails, toe nails, wax the stache or do any body maintenance you usually do. Pretend you’re going to a sick ass party and you’re grooming your meat vessel to perfection.

Lay out your sick outfit for tomorrow- pro tip: you want to be comfy and functional on buses/trains/on foot or however you commute. Think hard about the kind of weather you’ll be up against, and the general state of the terrain on your commute. Put your outfit on a hanger so it’s ready for tomorrow, even if you can’t do this every night during the school year it’ll get you in the right mental state to have your first day

Prep your meds! A big part of feeling good is taking our medications on time to reap their maximum benefits. Put them out on your kitchen counter if you think you’ll forget, go through your medicine cabinet: is there anything you need to remember to take with you to have during the day? Set alarms on your phone if (like me) you’ve got pills to take at different times of day- label them something that you’ll understand. (I use the names of the doctors that prescribed them so I know which pills are physical health and which are mental health).

Pack your lunch for tomorrow. Fruits and veggies bitch none of this “I’ll buy it when I get there” nonesense. Remember to stay hydrated! Bring some kind of receptacle to hold water/tea/coffee whatever. This is a solid habit to have year round, but remember the first couple school days can frazzle you pretty good and it’s good to have snacks on hand.

CLEAN YOUR GODDAMN ROOM. You’re gonna be shooketh in a bad way if you wake up on the first day of classes with a messy bathroom and shit strewn all over your sleeping space. Take all the time you need to put things lovingly away, if you’re feeling ambitious update your calendar and spray a little room spray or light a scented candle. Ooh la la

Do something fun. Do something distracting. Go out with a friend, read a book, take a couple hours of ‘me time’. You’ll be ready to die for it during the semester.

Feeling nervous? Call literally anybody you can stand to talk to for more than five minutes. Talk about dogs, talk about boats, ask them to guess how many jelly beans you’re holding right this second (sike b the answer is 0)- take a couple steps away from the whole school thing.

2) What the hell do I put in my backpack??

So this is where I fly into an unGodly rage. I’m so tired of seeing Instagram posts telling people their make up, perfume and breath mints are the most important of their school arsenal. What’s gonna save you when you bleed through your pants at school cause Aunt Flo decides to come chill on campus? Your perfume? Unlikely.

Here’s the real tea on what you should have in your bag, based on years of oopses, dire situations, and general mishap management.

A pencil case. Preferably full of writing implements. I can’t believe I have to tell people this but like......I do.....y’all childish

MEDICAL BAG: A small pouch is all you need! Tuck this away in your bag’s inside pocket, or in your purse, it could save not only your life but somebody else’s too. Get your prescriptions you need throughout the day like inhalers, anti anxiety meds, lactose intolerance pills, Imodium, symethicone etc.

Pack some ginger gravol (or regular drowsy gravol) for motion sickness or for when the flu season hits

Benadryl pills (and your epipen if you have one!) this is one of those things you should always have lying around at home and in your car

Alcohol swabs and band aids of your choice. Most pharmacies will sell 100 swabs for around 3$, look in dollar stores for discreet 1st aids packs and band aids. Stash them in your little pouch, it might not be you who falls down a flight of stairs and needs to bandage up their elbow- but at least you can help. (Based on a true story!!!!)

Panty liners/ tampons/ pads- this is another one of those things that others may benefit from

Get yourself a mini deodorant (3$ at Walmart) and wrap your hair ties around it. Double trouble, double storage capacity!

Tylenol/Advil, hunt around for little plastic pill holders like Pill Pals, they’re not usually more than 2 or 3 bucks and they hold A TON of pills

Vagina Bonus Round: do you take birth control? Have a tube of Canesten/Monistat/Vagisil or whatever for when the yeast season is upon us

Remember to carry your hospital card and/or medical insurance card on you at all times

Pharmacies will give face wipes individually wrapped for free. Usually brands like Cetaphil will dump them off as testers for customers- ask your local pharmacy cashier for stuff like mini hand creams, spf lip balms and face wipes. We’re happy to give them to you and you’ll get some real use out of them!

ASS WIPES. GET SOME. You can wipe down your bag with them, wipe down tables with them, flush them, and do all kinds of damage control. Trust.

Emergency money- the medical bag is a great place to hide emergency money (think bus fare, or 5$ for emergency food) because people are unlikely to rob what looks like a 1st aid kit

3. Friends come and go but portable chargers are forever- you can find cheap key chain ones at dollar stores. If you’re going to spring for one that lasts a few days on one charge I suggest the OKZU from Amazon. It’s HELLA SLIM and I can hold a charge for about 3 days before it reaches even 75% battery capacity. (It’s also the most budget friendly I’ve found to date about 14$ after shipping).

4. Remember make up, gum, little travel items and perfume can have a place in your bag but I would suggest transferring as much as you can into smaller and smaller containers. A whole bottle of perfume is a lot to carry around, imagine a water bottle bouncing around your bag- that’s the kind of space you’re using up. Be mindful of just how many books/ copy books/ textbooks you’ll be toting around and if it gets to be too much- get an actual tote!

5. A little clip on hand sanitizer never hurt anybody...also Kleenex I promise you’ll use it. (And if you don’t I’ll be there to borrow it lmao) ALLERGY SEASON BONUS ROUND: a small bottle of off brand artificial tears are great to stow in your glasses case for all those shitty October mornings where your eyes refuse to act like eyes and not the Sahara Desert 🐫 off brand artificial tears run for between 2-4$ at most Walmarts!

3) I’ve used my last 24 hours to get my shit together- but I have a horrible impending sense of doom! What should I do?

Ah anozzer day in bikini bottom, which means another day of crippling anxiety for 25% of adult Canadian students! (Wow that’s a lot of students!) Boy do I know how tough it is to be thrown back into the pressure cooker of life that we call school. Here are some tips from me to you that I hope help a little bit:

I believe in you! It’s not a tip, but I want you to know that I do. If you’re feeling unsure/ silly/ out of your element/ etc think about me wandering around just as confused as you are! And have a good laugh at my expense! Shoot me a DM, scroll around my nonesense blog- wow check me out I’m a real living person and I made this post for you- because why? I care about your well being! Sometimes it just helps to know that there’s somebody out there thinking about you and wishing for your safe return home at the end of the day~ for the start of your semester I’ll be that person. *smooch*

Arrive early! My therapist once told me that rolling out of bed five minutes before I have to be somewhere limits my chances of having a calm and meaningful experience where I’m going. I hate to admit it but she makes a good point. Wake up early and do something nice for you: have breakfast, just sit on your balcony and breathe some fresh air, pet your cat and gaze upon their stupid face. Take the time.

Arrive early BONUS TIP: get to where you’re going an hour early and just wander! Window shop, roam the building, learn where the fire exit is, sit outside on a bench and watch the students come in and out. The longer you chill at school the homier it’ll feel, and the more you feel at home somewhere the more you feel at ease. Strike up random convos with strangers if you’re feeling brave, or text an understanding friend to meet you there and roam alongside you.

Plan your day! Get an agenda if it’s in your means, or just scribble on some scrap paper. Make your grocery list, write your tasks of the day, your goals of the day, or even just a positive affirmation. Sometimes even when I know exactly what I’m doing that day, or have something trivial to do (like laundry) I’ll write down “do laundry” to feel like I have a clear path to follow.

Embrace your local accessibility Center and school councellor. Don’t live in fear of the resources your school provides. It seems scary/embarrassing/weird to have to have special accommodations to deal with your anxiety or depression but GIRL once you’re all set with the appropriate tools there’s truely nothing that can stop you. This was my experience anyway, but I strongly urge everybody I meet to take advantage of school services and wring them for all they’ve got. They’re there for you boo!

HOT TIP: feeling dizzy and overwhelmed on the bus? Look at the wall or something that isn’t moving. DONT LOOK OUT THE WINDOWS AS THIS MAKES DIZZINESS WORSE. Breathe in 2 beats and out 3 beats- this cuts your fight or flight. If you’re going to drink take small sips out of a straw or without moving your head. My GP gave me this advice and it’s saved my whole ass quite a few times.

Download free apps that are anti anxiety in the form of fun games. I’ve had positive results with Viridii (where you grow a little succulent garden) Tap Tap Fish (basically you’re a sentient coral that decorates the sea floor) and Polytap (you basically count the vertices of spinning polygons). A cursory google search will reveal more fun games for emergency anxiety relief! I also like to go on YouTube and search for positive affirmation anxiety videos, or storm/white noise/ ocean anti anxiety sounds the night before to get me in the right headspace to sleep!

So this has been your lightning round/ crash course for what to do the 24 hours before school! I hope you feel a little more prepared to take on the start of the semester!

A dios hoes!!

[songofmysnark]

“Don’t,” by Ed Sheeran, part 2

[Knock knock] on my hotel door I don't even know if she knows what for She was crying on my shoulder I already told ya Trust and respect is what we do this for

First of all, how the fuck did she know which hotel and room you were in?  Did she text you?  Did you invite her over?  It sounds like she knew exactly why she showed up, but you weren’t sure what would happen and you wanted to pin it on her because you have trouble admitting that you’re kind of needy.

But moving on, my tatted up Weasley.  This is all very “Nice Guy (TM).”  She knocks on your hotel door and you don’t know why she came to you, but she was crying on your shoulder?  I don’t know, man, I think what you’re trying to say is “I don’t know if she wanted someone to listen and empathize or if she wanted to get laid because I’m bad at communicating and too much of a clueless, self-centered moron to ask her about her feelings prior to her showing up at your hotel room” but I’ll let it slide.  The story doesn’t add up, but let’s move along for the sake of getting to the real shit.  

��Trust and respect is what we do this for,” fine.  Whatever.  If you say so, pal.  But if you’re going to use that line, don’t expect any woman over the age of 25 to be impressed with this next round of malarkey...

I never intended to be next But you didn't need to take him to bed that's all And I never saw him as a threat Until you disappeared with him to have sex of course It's not like we were both on tour We were staying on the same fucking hotel floor And I wasn't looking for a promise or commitment But it was never just fun and I thought you were different

SCREEEEEECHING HALT, BUDDY PAL.  First of all, lyrically, this sucks.  And the way you sing it makes it sound very much like you want to be EDGY for singing about SEX like oooooh, they had SEX.  Pal, you’re an adult.  The whole “I’m going to talk about sex, and very explicitly call it sex because I’m having sex” thing is very, well, it’s something kids in college do when they’re getting laid for the first time and think they’re the first people to have discovered the joys of penetration.  It makes you sound like you’re kind of too young and inexperienced to be singing this song anywhere, much less on a stage or in a recording studio.  Dude, you could have left out the word sex and we’d still know she was schtupping another fellow.  You think it sounds like a pointed, painful jab but it makes the rest of us cringe reeeeeal hard for you.

But let’s discuss the whole situation.  In Part 1, we established that you lack basic organizational skills and are very crappy at logistics.  It’s also clear that you’re not very good at communication, since you never actually managed to spit out the details of what happened, which suggest that you never actually talked about whether or not you were exclusive.

Here are some RED FLAGS, my gloriously dorky ginger garden gnome:  “I thought you were different.”  Nope, pal, do not pass go, do not collect $200.  That is some subtle and insidious shaming of this woman for no reason.  Let’s flesh out what you mean by that -- or at least what this phrase means in terms of cultural context and general understanding.  That line you used?  That very much means “I thought that you would treat a fling as a monogamous relationship so that I didn’t have to commit to a relationship with you, but now that you have decided that you’re not going to sleep with me exclusively -- despite the fact that neither of us agreed to a monogamous relationship -- I’m going to use a madonna/whore trope to make you feel guilty about doing something that was completely, 100% within the parameters that had been established.”

Ed, you basically decided in your head that this person was only going to fuck you.  You never talked to her about it.  You never promised her the same thing in return.  

You had a fling and you liked it, then she decided that she wanted to sleep with someone else, you hadn’t talked about being exclusive, and you were hurt.  Buddy pal, that sucks.  The correct thing to do in this situation is to lick your wounds in private, admit to yourself that monogamy is important to you and that you personally need to negotiate that early on in order to feel safe and secure in a relationship, and not use fucked up “I didn’t think you were that kind of [slutty] girl, but I guess you are!” guilt tactics in order to divert attention away from the fact that you done fucked up, son.

And you never thought you would be next? For what, marriage?  Yeah, no shit, pal.  You were not in line to be next for anything because you were having a casual fling and didn’t express any sort of fucking interest in anything beyond sitting on a couch, watching movies, and having pale, fumbling missionary position sex with this woman.  You were never going to be “next” for anything because you didn’t fucking show any sort of desire for a relationship.  You established early on that this was kind of a nice, comfortable, convenient thing for you.  She likely thought the same, and then was like “cool, this other dude has a bangin’ bod and doesn’t look like Ron Weasley’s second cousin, I’m gonna bang that like a screen door!”  And she tapped it like a maple, Ed.  And it was glorious, and then she started crying -- and what happened?  WHO KNOWS, you’re a shitty songwriter and can’t manage to give enough context for the tears, nor any interest in her as a human being to bother!

And really, Ed?  You were staying on the same hotel floor and she had sex with someone else and you were both on tour?  Okay, if she’s on the same hotel floor and on the same tour, is she your employee?  Also, why the fuck are you somehow convinced she wasn’t completely within her rights to sleep with someone else if she was very blatantly bringing this person to a hotel room down the hall from you?  It sounds like you weren’t in a fucking relationship, pal.  You just wanted all of the perks and none of the fucking responsibilities, and monogamous sexytimes based on your pre-conceived notions of purity and social dynamics that suggest that women you deem acceptable won’t have casual sex with anyone but you because that’s what you secretly want but are too chicken-shit to ask for.

Buddy, let me break something down to you:  You’re acting like a shit head in this situation and if this song is actually based on some real events, it does not paint you in a positive light.  It doesn’t even paint you in the light of a flattering victim of a slutty mcsluttyslut slutface.  It makes it very obvious that you lack basic communication skills and feel bitter when women don’t do what you want them to do.  It’s not a good look, Ed.  Knock it the fuck off.

This is not the way you realize what you wanted It's a bit too much, too late if I'm honest All this time God knows I'm singing Ah lahmlahlah

AHHHH LAHMLAHLAH.

Oh, so she wanted to be with you?  Can you fill us in with exactly what happened between fucking another dude and crying to get you back?  Because it seems really fucking odd.  What the hell did you do to contribute to this clusterfuck?  Are you the one who made her cry?  Did you send passive aggressive text messages to her? 

My money is on you being kind of a dipshit and getting very mad that she slept with someone else, despite that being fully within the boundaries you had set up with her.  And she trusted you, and then you were kind of cruel and distant and withholding to punish her for not worshipping your pale, freckled knobby peener, she cried because you fucking hurt her feelings, and then you pinned it all on her because you’re too much of a coward to accept the consequences of your actions like a grown-ass adult man.