#my own fault but also fucking. mental illness got the best of me this semester

[omohole]

i loooove college (i dont i really fucking dont) hahaah im cramming as many late/missed assignments as possible before the semester ends in four days wahoo yippee ahahahahaahah

[fairycosmos]

for your other anon talking about uni (and this convo in general) i totally get it, i had a major panic attack during an important project in uni that ruined my semester, so i took the next one slow. the only reason i didn’t drop out was because i was on scholarship and needed the money but my mental health was shit until i graduated and there was SO much hostility towards me because of it. the profs who knew my situation would pretend to have my back until i actually acted mentally ill™️ and they’d get irritated and it was just so shit. i think you’ve honestly just got to do what’s best for you, whether that’s pushing forward, working for accommodations, taking time off, etc. the whole culture around academia and mental health is fucked and needs to change and it is absolutely not anyone’s fault for feeling overwhelmed by higher education, especially w/ the lack of proper resources. i also totally agree with what you said, chloe, about everyone’s life having a different trajectory! I really had to learn to cope with that and adjust. but it’s so true, there is no set plan and it’s okay if things take you more time than planned or than they took other people. we’re all on our own path. and honestly i think once you realise that the world can open up in terms of possibilities. like maybe things are still a bit shit at first, but you aren’t confined to the life formula everyone expects from you, things can be a different way and still be ok. anyway hope everyone is well! much love <3 xx

omg so sorry to hear that!! it was extremely unprofessional of your profs to treat you like that but unfortunately it doesn't surprise me at alllll :( academia is so rife with ableism and faux sympathy - the system really isn't build to support or encourage learning in the vast majority of us. i can relate sm to ppl especially working professionals saying they'll make allowances for your health/extend some understanding and then just NOT doing that when it actually came down to it. so fucked up. like they wonder why college kids kill themselves and then they purposefully and carelessly push them when they're visibly already on the brink, if they even notice they're on the brink in the first place. i agree, it's honestly completely understandable that ppl esp mentally ill people would be easily overwhelmed while academia is breathing down their necks the way it does, especially because as an institute it's literally not equipped to deal with the health (mental or physical) crises of its students, bcoz the very nature of the way it currently works is like antithetical to developing stable mental health and a positive self image. ANYWAY i really hope that anon sees this message and that it helps them feel less alone!! you're so right like there really is no one size fits all when it comes to life. nd i really wish the whole school - college - post grad - work bullshit wasn't forced onto all of us like it holds the answers for everything, it doesn't really hold the answer for anything. things can be a different way and still be ok!!! wanna scream that one from the rooftops. anyway thank you sm for sending this in and for being so sweet and understanding abt it, you're a peach :) wish i had friends like you to talk this stuff through with ur insight is so comforting and niceto read. sending you a lot of love!! xx

[mouthdyslexia]

Week 4/life update

So, after having gone a full week only eating crackers or tiny bowls of pasta and drinking Sprite, now that I’m eating again, my weight jumped back up. Understandably so, but I’m the kind of person to get easily discouraged by stuff like that. Also, I’m supposed to measure myself as the first update for the contest I joined, so update in the next couple days on that.

In other news, romantic things could be happening, but I need to be very careful, and very patient. Possibly so patient as to wait another year entirely. More updates will follow in the coming months on this one.

My official promotion to shift manager could happen any day now, and it all depends on this guy from out of state. Pray that this guy sees the same potential in me that the others have.

The extension I took on my class from last semester ends on the 11th. And I have done practically nothing to work towards it and I feel like a terrible student, but honestly, I don’t really know what to say to this. Maybe I could have prioritised things better? But even still, i feel like I did the best I could for the most part and I just went with my gut feeling.

To be entirely honest, things kind of just fell apart. My Big Boss/work Dad left and suddenly everything was my responsibility too. Immediately following that, I got really sick and still have yet to fully recover. On top of being physically ill, my mental health took a turn for the worst and the consideration of simply driving myself into the ravine I pass every day almost became too much. I took on more responsibilities at the dance studio (sort of) and now I’m working on the end-of-year stuff (choreography, costuming, etc) and I’m also subbing in for sick teachers as well as teaching the new teachers how things work here.

It just seems like everything just fell all at once and I had to chose 2 things to catch and I feel like everyone thinks I caught the wrong things. I’m not sure if I did or not, honestly. Because, in the list of priorities, work has to come somewhat first, or the other things won’t be able to happen.

I had to finally sit down with my mother and explain to her why I’m stopping school for the semester. I explained my thinking and thankfully she understood, but she definitely seemed disappointed. And I hate that. I know she thinks that this class(es) will be the best thing to help me move forward, but the flip side of that is that, I have to constantly be in the working world at the same time. I’m not about to give up the studio because it’s far better experience than some online class. I literally can’t stop working because I won’t be able to afford the classes, but then that leaves actually taking the classes in the dust... I just don’t know how to fix that right now.

I know that I need to just take some steps on my own and break away from everyone and be my own person, but damn if it doesn’t hurt like hell. And it’s confusing as hell. And maybe what I’m doing is the best thing.

But then there’s the “actually finishing the current class” thing.

I don’t think I can do it.

And for once, that’s not me bein negative, that’s me being real. I literally can’t do it. And I’m disappointing a lot of people by not fully completing it. Including myself. And it’s my own damn fault. I fell behind for no good reason back in November, and now I’m paying the price.

I have a week and a half to finish 3 modules. And I know my teacher thinks there’s something wrong with me and I HATE it. I don’t like disappointing people, but man. I’m honestly just surprised I haven’t been hospitalised yet.

I’m really trying not to go into the next month without a defeatist attitude, but it’s fucking hard. And I’m so tired. I just don’t think I can do it all this time.

We’ll just pray for me to get through the next 12 days and hold strong. I have to make it through (very late) family Christmas, 3 modules, 45 hours at work this week and only 1 day off, the creation of choreography by Friday night, all with very little sleep, very little motivation, and a crappy car.

Or maybe this is my first of many failures. And its just a life lesson. Maybe this is life beating my perfectionistic side to death and reminding me that I literally CANT be perfect all the time and sometimes I have to fail.

Hurray adulthood..?

I haven’t even made it through my first year post graduation yet.

Sidenote: the whole time I’ve been writing this I’ve been hearing this distant beeping in my ears on occasion and I’ve suddenly realised that it’s the new doorbell at work haunting me.

Send help

[formerdirectioner]

Warning: this post is rly fucking long, kinda pointless, and has a suicide attempt mention.

Hi it’s four am and I’m in my feels so I’m gonna share

My senior year of high school my best friend moved away. She was a year older than me so she went to college. And as many people who went to college know, you don’t really keep in contact with your high school friends your freshman year and she went through a whole load of shit that isn’t mine to share that meant she was focused pretty solely on her own life.

And I went to a small town school. You don’t make new cliques senior year. You’ve had those cliques established since 7th grade at the absolute latest. So it’s not like I didn’t have other friends but they were the type of friends I sat with at lunch and talked about one direction with. Some good memories come from those friends.

But I also wasn’t really ~in their group. They talked at lunch about the things they had done that I hadn’t been invited too and so I always felt just a bit on the outside.

So I turned to other friends I had online. And that was good. I met my best friend I still love and cherish to this day that year. I also met a friend I had for five years and who I loved. And then I met this girl named Maggie. I was seventeen, Maggie was around 23. One day, Maggie turned on me. She never told me what I did. I found out years later from someone else that it was because she thought one of our friends liked me more than her.

But she turned on me fast. She started telling all my other friends why I was so awful. She started anonymously posting hate about me and then lying and saying it wasn’t her. She also started anonymously sending hate to herself, and then claimed it Definitely was me. This was just another reason I was so Awful.

And none of my friends wanted to take sides. Maggie had never done anything wrong to them! Besides, it wasn’t a big deal right? Just some internet drama. This cumulated in them all joining a community with Maggie that I wasn’t allowed to join. It got to the point my best friend quit a community we were in and told me it was because her internet didn’t work. It turned out she had actually joined Maggie’s and just didn’t want me to know.

And looking back this all probably seems really dumb and petty right? But as a teenager who was isolated from almost everyone at the time it was a really big deal. I’m not going to get into my home life but know it wasn’t great, we lived in the country, and my only sister is seven years older than me so she has moved out of the house when I was in elementary school. This internet drama and my friends not choosing sides was the start of my mental illness getting really really bad.

Eventually Maggie started doing this to our other friends. They all ended up apologizing to me and saying they were wrong not to take sides and admitting they knew she had been awful to me. They said they wouldn’t do it again.

Less than a year later I was a freshman in college. I had no friends. I’m not exaggerating there. I made no friends my freshman year in college. 2015 was the worst year of my life. I would go to class, come back to my dorm room, and get online. My online friends were my only friends and the only thing I really cared about that year.

And then I met a girl named V. V was 24. I was 18. V had a crush on my girlfriend at the time and she didn’t have a problem with sharing. Publicly. She would post on the Tumblr I, my friends, and my girlfriend followed her on that she was a better choice for my girlfriend and would make posts implying there were feelings between her and my girlfriend but that my girlfriend was staying with me out of a sense of pity.

So I ended up ending that friendship because it was pretty clear she never really cared about my feelings in that matter. After I ended that friendship I was the Bad Guy and she continued to make posts about me and about how I was a bad friend, a bad girlfriend, and a bad person.

My friends again decided they didn’t want to take sides. My girlfriend hated conflict and didn’t want to get involved. She was friends with V and the entire situation made her uncomfortable. Besides, you can’t make someone stop having a crush!

That situation ended in me and my girlfriend breaking up and me being isolated from my best friend. It also led to a suicide attempt in the summer of ‘15.

What happened next was meeting a new girl named Cait. Cait was 23. I was 19. This girl agreed with me that V was out of line. That it was my girlfriend’s loss for losing me. That Maggie had treated me badly and that she would take my side if anything that like happened again.

And so I was starting to get better. I introduced her to another friend I had, the only friend I still had out of my online friend group from my senior year of high school, Monica. Suddenly, I wasn’t important anymore. Monica and Cait became best friends.

This led to a lot of jealousy on my part. Cait and I started fighting over things (and I can admit some of those were my fault) and eventually our friendship ended. Cait started posting on Tumblr about how much she hated me, how she wanted any of our mutual friends to drop me, and how she literally wanted me dead.

My friends, especially Monica, would not take a side. They said she has a right to hurt feelings and lashing out. But if I tried to defend myself by replying to one of her negative posts about me, I was the bad guy for “searching out negativity.” Monica and I kept a rocky friendship for another couple years but it finally ended this year, probably for good.

She decided Cait was better than I am. I’m guessing she realized she couldn’t keep refusing to pick sides. She ended our four year friendship over a tweet about how I don’t like Halsey, because Halsey is Cait’s favorite person. I can’t stand Halsey even more now.

Anyway, during this fighting with Cait and Monica I got very depressed. I stopped going to classes. This was only a couple of months after my suicide attempt and I ended up failing an entire semester of college. My dad gave me an ultimatum to get better or move back home.

Thankfully I reconnected with my best friend around this time. I also became friends with a girl named Kim who had also been fucked over by Maggie. I reached out to her when I heard what happened and told her I was on her side. I’m still friends with her and there’s been absolutely no drama between us.

Anyway, I became lucky enough that I met real life friends that year. They’re my best friends to this day. I have birthday plans with them on the 9th. They’ve saved me a lot more than they’ll ever realize, I think.

Real life friendships are a lot less toxic than online friendships, but things still happen. One of my friends is still close (or was, at least, I’m not sure they are anymore) to my former roommate who I don’t like. It makes things awkward. When she was supposed to come over after hanging out with the roommate one day the roommate purposefully made her late in the hopes she’d end up not coming over.

In a perfect world she’d drop her. I know she won’t. I’m not going to end our friendship over it. But if just reinforces the philosophy I created for myself in 2014: If someone mistreats one of my friends or loved ones, I don’t want them in my life.

And that probably won’t ever change for me. You may find it silly or want to slap some sense into me but just having people on my side would have changed so much of those worst two years of my life. So even if you may not think things are a big deal, I probably will feel differently.

Anyway. I would put this under a cut if I could but I can’t because it’s mobile. I kinda hope no one actually reads it but it’s 4:30 and I can’t sleep and I needed to write this down somehow so. Might as well put it out there since I over share anyway and there’s basically a spread out timeline of all of this happening on my personal. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[thoughtsoahr]

4/27/19

Hey hey hey here to say (lol rhyme) that i fucking love love love my real big sister and my frat big! I know i sound like such a smol person right now who cant do anything for herself-- which isnt true i can do a lot of shit on my own thank you very much-- but i think growing up as a little sister for real shaped how i view things and how i act and so im definitely forever in the little sister mindset despite being 20 years old and having a little of my own now HAHAHAH but it feels good to have people who genuinely want to take care of you and look out for you even people who arent my big(s) look out for me constantly and are so so caring and for that im just so so so thankful!!!! not to get all emotional or simpy but yallreadyknow im a very emotional and simpy person.

Get ready bc its about to get reaaalll here

[speaking about my non biological big]

Choosing my big a little over a year ago, i had no real idea what kind of relationship would transpire. I knew i wanted a guy big since I already have a big sister, so I chose a big brother on the basis of someone i could learn from and look up to as a role model kinda. not super serious as it sounds, but in general i wanted someone to look up to like my big sis!! After some advice i chose my big and like i was pretty neutral about my decision because i had no idea who i wanted to pick so i just picked one i knew id at least be okay with. So throughout the first semester, i saw other people and their bigs getting really close and i got kinda jealous bc mine never realy asked to hang out much but i get that different people mighht not be that proactive and initiative of things so it was ok, also these other people chose their bigs because fromt he get go they knew for sure they wanted that person whereas i had no fucking clue HAHAHA

This first semester it was awkward like any other friendship right like you barely know the person so u go to small talk and shit (eventually when youre actual real good friends you can joke around without it being awkward and roast the other person knowking the other person has good intentions!!) but then the next semester we hung out more and i really like it when we hang out as a whole line too i think that helped! really fortunate to have such an active line that still talks to eachother and gets food :,) So yeah were like good friends now esp after this semester (his last semester tho, sad :( ) and i guess the one thing i felt like lacked was being able to talk to him about deep stuff like stuff ill talk to with my actual big sister bc i regularly call my sisterbecause i lowkey think i have mild depression but i think thats a story for another post HAHAH anyways its definitely beneficial for me to talk about it outlod with someone whether it be on the phone of in person and the phone is good i always feel better when i talk to my sister about it but sometimes i just want a hug ya know so it would be nice to talk sto someone in person ! anywas i was always hesitant to talk to my big about these things bc i guess we could joke around and hang out fine but it really is a different level of friendship when you can share your problems and mental health issues... and before you say oh why dont you talk to your other friends i feel like i dont want to burden them with these ramblings and have them feel ba for me because when i tell my housemates these types of things (although i know theyre not judging and they actually care about me) i cant help but feel like theyre silently judging me for having so many problems and bitching about small problems also cuz im sure another one o fmy housemates suffers from depression so i dont want to trigger her anyways so last night it was like a lit ass party which i missed out on but im def okay withit because i basically talked the whole night with my big about some stuffs and it felt good knowing that he knows the extent and details about it and knows how i feel about it because i think he knew before it just wasnt clear clear ((but we were both rly fcked up hahahah i guess alcohol really is a relaxant haha made me okay with spilling what i always wanted to spill without feeling weird about it)) anyways his response is what really got me because as we were talking about it okay so it went like this

Me: “blah blah this happened and i know i was dumb and naiive for letting it happen”

Other person in room: “yeah thats why i stayed up so late to make sure you were okay and didnt get taken advantage of again”

--this night my big also stayed awake pretty late but i think because he didnt really know the extent of the issue, he was oblivious which isnt his fault, also the other person knew bc shes a girl and was also targetted i think so we kinda were on the same page--

Big’s response after hearing this: (paraphrased and what i remember from the night mind you i was fucked up so my memory might not be the best lol) “wait what?? If i had known i would have stayed up” and he followed up with “Im not kidding if someone would lay a finger on you i would actually knock the shit out of them”

he said this in a really serious tone and lol the shift from regular party to serious conversation tone was really sudden but im glad we were able to talk about this in a serious tone. After hearing this i was kinda like surprised because ive never really seen him talk that seriously before usually were all joking around but i really appreciate it when i have friends who i can talk about serious things with because in the long run its these relationshps thall help you when youre down and everything and ugh just yeah

TLDR; Im really grateful to have a non biological big that cares for me and looks out for me like my real biological big and after last night Im one hundo percent sure i picked the right big and im just so so thankful for all hes done :,)