#my other favourite from 2019 is happy old year! might gif that one another time

[lgcalice]

LEGACY PROJECT : FUTURE DREAMS 

THE RANKING

we dance for laughter,                     we dance for tears,                                   we dance for madness,                                                      we dance for fears,                                                                     we dance for hopes,                                                                                     we dance for screams,   

               we are the dancers,                                            we create the dreams.

OCTOBER 7TH, 2019

it isn’t the first time alice is having her hair done, although she hasn’t had it done in a long time. it’s odd. it makes her feel more ‘girly’. she’s so used to it always being tied up in a ponytail, or something bunches, that she’d almost forgotten what it looked like when she left it down. despite her usual tomboyishness, she finds herself feeling a lot more confident with hair and makeup done. staring at her reflection in the mirror she wonders if she can somehow make herself look this pretty everyday. 

alice isn’t insecure really. not a lot, at least. she doesn’t think she’s stunningly beautiful, but she supposes she isn’t ugly. seeing herself all done up like this makes her wonder if maybe someone will see her today and think she’s pretty. that’d be nice. it isn’t often she’s noticed for her looks - if she ever is at all. it’s why she prides herself so highly on her dancing; you don’t have to look good to be a good dancer. 

the small room she’s taken into alone is simple, as un-eye-catching as alice looked before her mini makeover that morning. 

“please introduce yourself, and tell us how you feel about embarking on this new adventure!”

“my names huang xiyu, but you can call me alice. i’m 20 years old, and i’m from seattle, usa.” she starts with a bright smile, back straight and hands folded in her lap neatly. she’d been told before she tended to sit too much ‘like a boy’ - she supposes they meant she sat with her legs apart, and although she didn’t personally think it was a big deal, she wanted to be liked, and that meant trying to fit this socially accepted ideal that a girl has to sit with her knees together, have good posture, and smile sweetly. 

of course, it always looks a little forced - it’s clear she isn’t the ‘sit pretty’ type, but at least she’s trying. 

“i’m excited, of course, but a little nervous. it’s... going to be interesting, and a good experience to grow through; even if i don’t win, it’ll help me grow. i’m happy to be able to have this opportunity, no matter what the outcome is.”

her answer’s so generic that she worries she’ll sound boring, but she’s still getting the hang of talking without coming off to loud, or not ‘lady-like’ enough. it’s hard to maintain the sweet, girly facade when she just wants to slouch down in her chair and let her legs sit comfortably. her cheeks hurt from smiling so wide. 

thankfully, she’s released after the initial introduction interview, if she could even call it that. she heads off into the main studio room alone, not even thinking to wait for anyone else - she’s too excited to see the set. 

and oh boy does she see it. 

the two pyramids are striking, and the chairs with the numbers on even more so. it makes her chew on her lips, not thinking about the fact that cameras are probably recording her entrance. she probably looks like a deer in headlights, footsteps slow and almost hesitant as she nears the pink pyramid (colour stereotypes, aye?). 

10... she’s the lowest rank already?

her heart drops, and she stops in her steps, blinking at the chair at the very bottom of the pyramid. her mouth feels dry, and her heartbeat’s thrumming inside her head. the feeling gets even worse when she cranes her neck to look up at to see who’s at the top, and there, at number 2, is yujin. when won’t she be bested by her? 

with a deep breath, alice makes her feet move, shouting at them inside her head to just go! finally she reaches the seat, and lowers herself onto the hard, unforgiving surface of it. it’s not even comfortable - no cushioning to soften the blow she just suffered to her self-worth. 

she can see yonghwa across the room, in the 8th ranked seat of the boys pyramid. she wonders if he’s looking at yujin, then bites back the thought, turning her eyes away from him sharply. 

then, things begin. bae siwoo appears, and alice tries to cheer up (even if it doesn’t work much). she forces some laughs, keeping her eyes on the action, rather than the people around her, and listens. 

what she hears, however, is far from comforting. only one boy and one girl will win, and though they don’t win a solo debut, they win a solo song - they win. alice, sitting in her 10th place seat, slumps, realising her chances of winning are slim to none. she tried to sound like she just wanted to be there for the experience in the introduction interview, but of course she wants to win. who wouldn’t? 

but now, she needs to accept that it isn’t going to happen. she’s last place already and it hasn’t even started. last place because the people who chose their rankings saw the least potential in her. last place because maybe she isn’t pretty enough, or girly enough, or likeable enough. she’s a good dancer, but maybe she needs to be better at everything else on top of that.

the rest of the information, about each groups songs, and learning the other groups songs too just sort of seeps into her head but doesn’t get properly registered. she knows she should be listening, but it’s hard when so far, the entire time she’s been in the main studio, she’s wanted to go home and cry into her favourite whale plushie. 

she tries to look like she cares when they introduce the guest coaches, tries to be excited about working with them, but her smile feels as fake as it really is, and she can’t seem to figure out how to fix it. but, being in 10th, she supposes, means she’ll get little camera time anyway. all the focus is going to be at the top of the pyramids. she’s got no chance. 

at long last, it’s over and all she has to do now is get through another interview. this one, inevitably, is going to be harder than the first. she leaves alone, just as she entered, trying to get as much room between her and that 10th chair as she possibly can. she wants to go home, to hide and pretend she didn’t just have an awful, pretty humiliating day. everyone saw her there in the 10th seat, everyone knows she’s fighting a losing battle in this show. 

THE INTERVIEW

“so, alice, what did you think about your ranking?”

the interviewers first question stings. alice almost laughs at how much she doesn’t want to answer the question. “i was... disappointed, obviously. but... i have to look on the bright side - it’s an opportunity to prove that i can go from the bottom to the top.” it’s so fake, and forced that alice wonders whether they can tell. she wishes she could just be better at lying. she doesn’t want to say it feels embarrassing, that she feels like giving up, because that’s not going to make anyone like her. 

“so, what rank do you think you should have been?”

“i’m not sure... i know all of the girls on that pyramid and know what they’re capable of, and i wouldn’t say i’m better than this girl, or that girl, but i just... don’t think i’m the worst of the lot.” she wishes it didn’t sound like she thought someone else was the worst, but if she isn’t, then someone else has to be, surely. 

“and what worries you most about being here?”

that i might lose myself? that i’ll be further humiliated? there’s a lot of things that worry her now, and she wonders if even coming on the show was a good idea. “that i won’t win. or... that i won’t show a good side of myself, and be remembered negatively. i worry... that people won’t see me for who i really am, or that they will and just won’t like me.” she’s saying too much, she realises, so she stops, forces a smile, and hopes the interview will be over soon. 

“that’s all for now, thank you.”

finally, she’s able to go home.