#my one goal is to fucking get through uni and get whatever degree i end up with. thats it. i dont even want to be here.

[lunar-wandering]

i see the words "SMART Goals Learning Plan Assignment 1". my eyes glaze over as i try to conceive of a possible issue i could pretend i have so i don't gotta talk about the autistic issues i'm already handling and definitely do not want to tell my teacher about

[rianafying]

okay so i was quite arrogant for most of my life bc i worked rlly hard and was also naturally moderately talented at most things. even though i was bullied for being fat i knew it was something i could alter with time and i felt like the tables would turn one day and i’ll have a generally better life than the cool kids or the cringe nerd kids. but thank god i developed multiple mental illnesses and my family screwed me over and i failed everything (academics and a booming social life) and now i go to the worst university in my friend group/social circle/ppl i know/grew up w and have 5 friends (instead of 17893 acquaintances who i thought were my friends) because otherwise i would’ve held on to some fucked up ideas about the value of grades, popularity, looks, how to deal with people and friends and trust, and how i deserved more than other people, that i was inherently better than some people or that such deeply unfortunate things couldn’t happen to me because i didn’t do bad things or because i had already suffered enough in life. i don’t know where i got all the narcissistic ideas from. maybe being the first born and golden child of the entire extended family had something to do with it. or maybe i was just kind of an asshole on my own. i still wouldn’t call myself delusional though. i think that these are mistakes anyone can make, and i was young and didn’t know any better. and i obviously exaggerated the severity of my narcissism, i’m actually a nice person and put effort into being warm and doing good, and that’s always been important to me. but anyway, most of my friends n high school classmates go to famous unis abroad and they not only study but also party. a lot. now i don’t know how well they’re doing academically but it doesn’t matter because they come from wealthier backgrounds and they’re already in a good uni and they’ll probably end up somewhere good in life, which is good, i’m actually glad about that. (wait no, i’m sure they’re also hard working and i’m sure merit played a role in it too, but lemme just rant) but it’s not even that, i know it’s totally possible to party and study, i don’t know the details of their life, i hope they’re all happy. they look happy. but it just makes me pity myself. because i swear i worked so hard and tried so hard to make the best of what i had. still am. but i’m not sure if my future is as secure as theirs is (also the fact that i’m not partying half as much as they are(i don’t even like partying all that much but it stings because i don’t have it)) and i just don’t know where i’m headed. i’m not even sure if i’ll be able to fulfil my goals of improving other people’s lives (i can’t seem to fix mine) and that’s important to me bc it’s basically my only will to live aside fromthe fact that me being dead would make my lil brother sad. anyway, so, a career in fashion design is going to be (already is proving to be) very stressful, at least in the beginning. and with the competition today? insane. all that and the weird education system, and the even weirder education system and life in bangladesh? as a woman? not ideal. and work from uni is very very lengthy and time consuming. i don’t have time for personal projects. it’s just “not fair”? i know thousands of reasons as to why everything i said is stupid and i know things are random and i know i’m still one of the luckier people on this planet. but man, some people really get to party and study abroad and when they’re back in the country, they go partying on yachts? w lots of friends? in the middle of a pandemic? like screw actual consequences, what about moral consequences?? like does it feel good? to be doing that? right now? maybe i’d do it too if i had the money, but i really don’t think i would. i’d try to ensure that i’ll have food, and shelter and general financial stability for the rest of my life, try to get a good education without debt, give the rest away to those who actually really need it and keep giving more as i live my life and do my job or whatever i do with the “good degree” i’d have.

so, have the tables turned? there was no table, i learned stuff, grew up, still have a lot to learn, other people are living their own lives, everyone’s just trying to be happy and things happen randomly and i’ll just have to wait it out to see if i’ll end up on the streets (it’s not even the worst outcome) or be fortunate enough to actually make the world a better place. i could try being prepared for every possible outcome tho. death and disease and all that jazz. life just ain’t it chief. there is no easy solution to this suffering but i’m gonna try to yeehaw my way through it.

[harmoniouspixels]

Nina Sykes’s Interview

Let’s finally sit her down for this, shall we? Chances are this will not have been closely proofread, so typos and mistakes may be present. Feel free to ask anything about them to clarify! CC: @toxoplasmajuice​

[The In-Character Portion (questions written by Clyde Atkins himself):]

Tell me a little about yourself. Y'know, name, pronouns, age, where you’re from, anything else you might say if I asked you, “Who are you?”

Hiya! The name’s Nina. I’m 19, from a small town named Arcadia Peaks, and I’m currently, er, was studying to become an astronaut. I was also going to run for one of the officer positions at my sorority! I’ll miss those gals.

Before the world ended, did you have any long-term goals? Where would you picture yourself in the future if the future didn’t crumble in front of our eyes?

Like I said, I was looking to become an astronaut! Dabbled with a communication minor before deciding to major in biology and minor in astronomy. Would’ve eventually gotten my masters and prepared for the incredibly rigorous tests you have to go through to become an astronaut.

Any talents or skills? What about hobbies?

[Laughs] does my athleticism count? I’ve been training for so long I can lift about anything, and I hold several track-and-field records. I also love to read, if that counts as a hobby! Same goes for table-top games and going for a run or walk.

If you feel like sharing, what was your love life like before this? Totally fine if you don’t wanna talk about it.

I’d say it was good! I had a boyfriend in high school, but we broke it off after we realized that our lives were heading in different directions. I also dated this lovely woman in my first year of uni. We were the same age, were paired up at orientation, she had gorgeous red hair and was just fun to be around. We broke up at the end of the semester because both of us weren’t feeling the best about continuing the relationship when it felt like there wasn’t a spark.

Besides the sanctuary part, what made you sign up for this BC?

Clyde, duh! He’s cute. Plus with my uni ex, we used to watch BCs all the time. Sure, they can be cheesy, but they look like a lot of fun.

Okay, okay, hot take: this question is fucking stupid. First of all, MMBCs have happened even with this question, so it’s not even protecting anybody. Second, if we really needed this information–or if the network did–there’s better ways to do background checks. You can just lie here. You can literally just lie. Third, it’s just so vague. Sure, if you’ve got some degree of murder on your record, maybe that would be important, but–what, being caught with a gram of weed in the summer of ‘15 is supposed to tell me you might be a murderer? And, most importantly, it blatantly contributes to the stigma against felons. Non-violent criminals, people who’ve changed for the better, people who were falsely accused–we’re basically saying all of them might as well be murderers. And I’m not for that. But the program we’re doing this through is requiring that I ask, so, whatever: do you have a criminal record?

Nope! I don’t have one.

Anyway. Random fact about you?

I DJ a bit on the side! It’s a lot of fun, even though I’m still learning it.

Is there anything important I should know about you? Health-related stuff, ancient curses following you, that sort of thing?

Nope! Well, actually. Sometimes I get really anxious? Nothing diagnosed, but papa* always sad I probably got some of his.

[*Papa refers to Parker. She called Mitchell, her other dad, well, Dad.]

Is there anything or anyone you had to leave behind to come here? (This one’s optional, too.)

My dads and my little sibling. I hope I can see them all again soon.

What’s the first thing you’re gonna do when things calm down and we can leave the BC house again?

I think I mentioned it already! [laughs] But I also want to try and find some of our extended family we’ve lost touch with too. Heard they were going to an island with someone by the name of January Wallace? But that’s all I know.

The Out-Of-Character Portion (questions written by toxoplasmajuice themself):

Usual OOC question 1: may I draw your Sim? (No one’s ever said no to this, but it never hurts to ask, right?)

Hell yeah you can! 8)

Usual OOC question 2: do you have any tips for writing your Sim that you feel the interview and/or your intro post don’t already give me?

While she doesn’t have the charismatic trait, Nina is very outgoing. No matter the person, she can find a way to hopefully click with them, even if it isn’t on a deep level (so like, friendly acquaintances type of deal).

Time for some new, spicy OOC questions! First of all: I want to start decorating contestants’ rooms this time around. Do you have any pointers as to decorating your Sim’s room? General themes are fine, and if you have any specific objects you want me to put in your Sim’s room (EA content or CC), that’d be great.

So I was trying to get inspo, but unfortunately I gave her a white room in the legacy aslglksjda. SO! In rewriting that bit of canon, I’d say colors that pop? Or even some sort of black and white mashup that’s accented with red. Make of this unintended Monokuma what you will.

And for the other new, spicy OOC question: will you generally be around for random questions I have regarding your Sim? I might need random bits of information from everyone from time to time… for reasons. :)

Ofc! I’m always here for building that Lore(TM) and fleshing out my characters more.

[alarriefantasy]

                                      Growing Up Together

I see your stars begin to shine by sweetkisses

Words: 5k

Harry is an alpha that is in love with his very oblivious omega friend, Louis.

never wanted you to steal my heart by shoulderbladesarewings

Words: 9k

Harry and Louis have always been a pair- joined at the hip since the Styles family moved into town when Louis was at the tender age of 5. Somewhere along the line, Harry’s feelings develop into a more-than-platonic kind of love, especially when Louis gets his first long term girlfriend.

Like The Stars That Shined by butliamwhy

Words: 12k

Louis has stars in his eyes. Harry has known it since they were kids. They have their own tree, their own café booth, and so many years to fall in love. Perhaps a lifetime.

Neptune by PumpkinspiceLou (CatyDreamDwyer) 

Words: 14k

Harry has always been in love with his best friend Louis, but when new student and goal keeper Zayn starts getting close with Louis, Harry can’t help but assume the worst.

i made these plans with you around by smokeofthetrain

Words: 15k

Louis remembers the day he met Harry like it’s permanently ingrained into his mind. Most memories from his childhood have faded over time. He doesn’t remember losing his first tooth, or getting his first report card, or playing in his first soccer match.

But Harry?

He remembers Harry.

I May Not Have a Lot to Give (But What I Got I'll Give to You) by DontLetHimGo

Words: 21k

Despite having pretty much everything a boy his age should want, Harry still feels like there's something missing. That something appears to be Louis Tomlinson.

{A Lady and the Tramp inspired AU}

Weigh Us Down (We're In Love) by orphan_account 

Words: 23k

harry and louis first meet when they’re eight and ten. this is their story throughout the years.

Find Another One, Cause She Belongs To Me by AFangirlFantasy, larrysfootballfairy

Words: 25k

or a Girl Direction Uni AU, where Louis is desperately in love with her best friend Harry, who might not be as straight as she thought, Ziam can't fool anyone, and Niall is just happy with football being her only relationship.

everything comes back to you by amory

Words: 29k

Louis and Harry, best friends since before either of them can remember, broke up four years ago. Louis has achieved his dreams of becoming the next big thing while Harry has stayed back, dedicating himself to his studies. Both are content to forget what they had together, until a tragedy brings them right back into each other's lives.

He’s been my Queen since we were 16 by larriebane

Words: 30k

Louis Tomlinson had been best friends with his neighbor’s son, Harry, as long as he could remember. The 16-year-old was small for his age and got bullied for being a weak alpha but Louis was there to help him. However, when the omega graduated from college and left for a university in London, he lost all contact with the Curly One. Five years later Louis finds himself back home, stalking a leggy hottie who looks like something from his wet dreams.

‘When did Curly get so hot?’

Listen To Your Heart by lovelarry10

Words: 35k

Louis has always been comfortable being Harry’s one and only. When Harry starts to branch out, Louis has a hard time letting him go.

Harry is very lucky to have someone who listens to what he has to say, despite the fact that he’s deaf. He’s finally feeling like he’s coming into himself, but Louis seems bothered by his newfound confidence.

Two Steps Behind by sacredheart (orphan_account)

Words: 38k

Or, Louis is two years younger than his neighbors, Harry, Liam, Niall, and Zayn, and he grows up bending over backwards to get their attention and acceptance. Especially Harry’s.

Runner on Third by kikikryslee 

Words: 39k

Or, the AU where Louis and Harry were best friends growing up, but lost touch after Harry moved away. Ten years later, Harry has moved back to town, but he and Louis don’t pick up where they left off.

Strangers in Love by sweetums

Words: 42k

Louis wakes up to find himself in a marriage with the last man he thought he'd ever end up with.

Faking It by TheCellarDoor

Words: 46k

A uni AU in which Louis has been Harry’s best friend since he offered him cubed fruit on the playground, and they spend more time cuddling in their dorm beds than they do apart, but it’s not like that. Or is it?

Aka Harry pretends to date his best friend to escape unwanted attention from a too insistent classmate and hopes it won’t blow up in his face. Featuring embarrassing dildo accidents, awkward boners, longing, first times, late night conversations, emotional discoveries and Niall as the exasperated friend with bad advice.

keep this love in a photograph by suspendrs

Words: 48k

Or, it’s 1919, and Harry’s been falling in love with his best friend for his entire life.

7 Up by cherrystreet

Words: 51k

Very loosely based on the British TV show "The Up Series" and somewhat inspired by the song “Something I Need” by Onerepublic, we follow the lives of Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson in an interview setting every seven years. They fall apart and come together, their lives and emotions recorded. Harry calls it a time capsule. Louis calls it a pain in the arse.

American Rose by justgotowisharder

Words: 53k

“Your voice sounds rosewood when you’re lying.” “I didn’t lie, Harry.” “You’re lying right now.” Louis rolls his eyes, sighing. “Honestly, fuck your synesthesia.”

(The story where Harry hears in colors and Louis’ voice is multicolored. Harry hates his disorder, Louis hates to be gay. Little they know, they’re meant to be)

Never Let Me Go by loveisalaserquest17

Words: 55k

Harry and Louis have been friends forever, but they couldn't be more different. One night, with a little too much alcohol, they make a pact to marry in ten years if they're both still single.

Now, one month before the deadline, Louis is willing to do whatever it takes to avoid ending up with his best friend. But is he, really? | Loosely inspired by The 10 Year Plan

we can only look behind by hereforlou

Words: 65k

His mum said there was no getting an idea out of his head once it was stuck in there and Harry thought she was right. It wasn’t like he did it on purpose - his ideas were just really sticky.

(Or, the one where Harry fixates through the years.)

nocturne in silver and blue by tinyweirdloves

Words: 97k

louis is a fallen star and harry brings him home. told over the course of fourteen years.

I’ll Fly Away by juliusschmidt

Words: 122k

Harry and Louis grew up together in Lake County, Harry with his mom and stepdad in a tiny cottage on Edward’s Lake and Louis in his family’s farmhouse a few minutes down the road. But after high school, Louis stuck around and Harry did not; Harry went to Chicago where he found a boyfriend and couple of college degrees. Six years later, Harry ends up back in Edwardsville for the summer and he and Louis fall into old patterns and discover new ones.

Now In A Minute by thealmightyavocado

Words: 150k

13 feels like yesterday for many people, but for Louis it actually was.

More than anything in the world, Louis Tomlinson dreams of growing up. Simply skipping over all of the awkward, embarrassing years of teenage existence and getting on with life. Real life.

So when thirteen-year-old Louis wakes up in the body of his thirty-year-old self, he expected everything in his adult life to be picture perfect. And maybe it is. He has it all…or so it seems.

Except his favorite person and lifelong best mate, Harry Styles, is totally missing from the equation and Louis doesn’t understand why. He has a lot of catching up to do and as adult life turns out to be more than what he bargained for, Louis can’t help wondering why a life that seemed so perfect, feels so empty.

Or the 13 going on 30 au that should have been done years ago.

To Destroy a Dam by Evancalous

Words: 198k

AKA: Louis and Harry are best friends for six years. They lose touch, and sixteen years later, fate collides their paths into each other again.

♡ updated 9.9.20

♡ credit to the owner of the manip

♡ past themed recs here

[downn-in-flames]

‘tis the season (every season)

Every day is Christmas when you’re Lily Evans and James Potter. {sequel to bake my wish come true}

read it on: hpft | ao3 | ffnet

At twenty-five years of age, Lily Evans can best be described as fully ambivalent about Christmas.

She no longer holds the holiday with the same level of contempt as she did three and a half years ago, but it’s not her favorite holiday either.

So, with all that taken into consideration, it’s rather hard to believe that a random July day would find Lily in a red-and-white striped apron, turning on a Spotify playlist full of Christmas music. Almost completely unfathomable, in fact.

However, that unfathomability fails to account for her boyfriend of three and a half years, whose love for the December holiday is entirely unparalleled by anyone Lily has ever met - including most small children. His holiday spirit is something of a contagion, one that even the most stubborn, unfestive person in the world can’t fight off.

“We open in ten minutes, Lily!” James yells from another room, as if Lily hasn’t been watching a clock since the moment they arrived in the little bakery four hours ago. “Oh my god,” he repeats, this time more to himself than to her, “we open in ten minutes.”

She walks into the front room, where James is standing behind the counter, seemingly frozen. His hands are braced against the edge of the countertop, squeezing so tightly that his knuckles are turning white, and the way that his hair is sticking up, even wilder than usual, suggests that he’s just been frantically running his fingers through it - a trademark nervous habit of his.

She’s been in that position all too many times over the past few months, experiencing a moment of panic as it hits her that oh my god, they’re really doing this, so it’s only natural that James was due for one of his own as well. Starting a business doesn’t come without its share of risk, and the stakes are at an all-time high every single step of the way, so the past few months have been full of these little stressed-out moments. And James has been the one to calm her down all those times before, rubbing soothing circles into her back as he reassures her that everything’s going to be fine and that she’s doing great; it’s about time that she repays the favor.

She wraps her arms around his middle, leaning into him. “It’s going to be magical,” she says reassuringly.

And she’s not just saying that to placate him - after all these months of stress and heavy decisions, she knows that opening day at ‘Tis the Season is going to be brilliant. She’s watched their social media following blow up over the past few weeks, as word spread that a year-round Christmas-themed bakery was opening its doors in the heart of London.

Despite getting a business degree at uni that had nothing to do with photography or caption-writing, it seems that all those years of running the Instagram account at Just Desserts served as surprisingly effective training for creating a viable business social media presence.

“You’re sure?” James says, the vulnerability in his voice palpable.

Lily looks around the bakery, at all the confections James has been working hard to create since the crack of dawn. There’s a tray of croissants, golden and buttery, sitting on the top shelf of the display case, accompanied by a few fresh fruitcakes - a Christmas classic that Lily was sure even the most spirited of holiday lovers secretly hated until she tasted the version James had come up with, fluffy and sweet and not at all reminiscent of the dense brick-like versions of the confection that her grandmother used to make year after year.

On the shelf below that is every kind of cookie imaginable - gingerbread, sugar, double chocolate - all shaped like classic holiday icons and decorated to perfection. No two were made exactly alike; James took pride in giving each cookie a personality of its own, mixing up frosting in just about every color imaginable and piping thin details onto the desserts with the practiced grace of an artist in his element.

Lily’s taste-tested just about everything in this bakery at least once - hell, she played a pretty integral role in the creation of most of them - and there’s nothing in these display cases that she doesn’t absolutely love.

Not to mention, the bakery is decorated to the nines. The custom neon light fixture just behind the display cases, proudly declaring ‘ ‘Tis the Season, Every Season’ (a gift from Lily just this past Christmas, not long after they’d signed the papers to officially purchase this little space) is the bow on top of it all, proudly proclaiming that this is their place, this is their Christmas wish come true.

She nods, even though he can’t see her do it. “Even more magical than Christmas morning.”

His grip on the counter loosens, and Lily can feel the muscles in his back and shoulders release just a little of their tension. “That’s a pretty high standard to live up to.”

“And yet, I have faith that it will.”

As fun and magical as Christmas morning is - especially in the Potter household, which is where she’s spent the last two Christmases - this is James seeing his dream come to life, seeing all the hard work and business meetings that he abhorred sitting through but Lily had forced him to attend anyways (“I may be making all the financial decisions, but we’re co-owners and I’ll be damned if I have to sit through a meeting with Ragnok alone”) come to fruition.

You can’t tie up a massive brick and mortar building with silver wrapping paper and a bow (although James had certainly wanted to try on more than one occasion), but Lily knows that having his life’s goal come together in front of his eyes is going to be far better than anything he’s ever found under a Christmas tree.

James lets go of the countertop fully, turning around in Lily’s arms so that they’re face-to-face. “I love you so much. Have I told you that lately?”

She smirks up at him as one of his hands comes up to rest on the side of her face, thumb gently skimming along her cheekbone. “Once or twice.”

“Well it bears repeating,” he replies, a smile slowly taking the place of the panicked expression that he was wearing just a few minutes ago. “I love you, and you’re brilliant.”

He leans down to kiss her, and even though it’s just a brief little peck, it fills Lily with the sort of warmth that’s only accomplished with James’ affection or his homemade cinnamon buns. But as much as she’d like to stay here all day and bask in that feeling, they’ve got a bakery to open.

“I love you too,” she tells him. “Now let’s open a fucking bakery.”

* * *

The first few hours bring a steady stream of customers, almost all of whom end up cooing over the red garland wrapped around the edges of the display case, or the cash register decorated to look like Santa’s sleigh, or the floor designed to look like a fresh snowfall.

The cinnamon rolls are the first to sell out - the ones with the chai icing go first, and the eggnog-frosted ones quickly follow. Lily thanks her lucky stars that she’d managed to sneak one out of the display case before they opened this morning as her breakfast - James’ chai icing is maybe one of her favorite confections in the whole bakery; the first time she’d tried it on top of a fresh-out-the-oven cinnamon roll, she’d practically been brought to tears by the deliciousness of the combination.

James spends most of the morning bouncing between the kitchen and the storefront - he’s got a few more things baking in the back to prepare for the lunch rush, but he’s never one to miss out on socialising with the customers either.

“A year-round Christmas bakery… where’d you come up with that one?” a woman asks him, looking into the cases of baked goods with interest.

“My girlfriend came up with it, actually,” James answers.

“Oh, is she a big Christmas person? That’s so sweet that you’d do this for her.”

Lily hears James snort, and his eyes flash over to her for just a moment. “Not… exactly. More that she knows how much I love it and realised it’d be a bang-up business model as well. She’s the mastermind behind this whole operation, really.”

The woman looks over at Lily, who’s trying her best to act like she’s occupied with packing up goods for the couple waiting at the other end of the counter and not eavesdropping on their conversation.

“Beauty and brains, then,” the customer tells James. “You’d better lock that one down soon.”

James just laughs. “Oh, I intend to. Very soon.”

That’s not necessarily news to Lily - they’ve discussed this on more than one occasion and decided to wait on getting married until after they’d gotten the bakery up and running - but it’s still somewhat surprising to hear him say it out loud to a random customer.

But then again, he’s always been the type to say whatever he can to make the customer happy, and that includes promises to propose to his girlfriend, apparently.

Although in fairness, they’ve done this whole thing backwards anyways - starting a business together is honestly almost a bigger commitment than a marriage, at least in Lily’s mind. She’s locked into this venture with James through multiple contracts they’ve had to sign along the way, meaning that they are, for all intents and purposes, pretty much stuck together at this point.

Not that she minds that much, though. This place may be James’ dream come true, but it’s also kind of become hers along the way too, over-the-top Christmas decor be damned.

“Good,” the woman says to James. “I’ll have three snowflake cookies and a peppermint brownie, please.”

* * *

Marlene McKinnon, their sole employee for the time being, arrives just before noon, and it’s pretty damn good timing, if Lily says so herself. The line is only just becoming slightly unmanageable, and an extra set of hands is basically a godsend at this point.

Lily had predicted a fair bit of traffic on opening day, but at this rate, they’ll be fully sold out by 2 p.m. Which is far better than having excess stock at the end of the day, but still, it’s not ideal. She’ll probably need to massively recalibrate their supply orders if this keeps up.

“Lils, can you go back and take the bread out of the oven? And maybe start a new batch of cookies or two while you’re at it? I think Marlene and I have got it handled out here for now.”

“On it,” she tells her boyfriend, giving him a mock-salute as she walks back into the kitchen.

She follows his directions first, sliding on a set of oven mitts and taking the loaf of nissua bread out of the oven. The heady cardamom scent of the Finnish sweet bread fills her nostrils - it’s probably one of her favourites of the many types of bread James makes only just beat out by his sourdough.

She’s certain that James had gotten a little antsy this morning, spending almost all of his time in the back while Lily had tended to customers - something evidenced by the fact that he asked Lily to come back and bake some more cookies rather than doing it himself. It’s not as if he doesn’t trust Lily’s baking skills or anything - he’d worked with her at Just Desserts for long enough to have faith that she can, in fact, bake well - but he’s still the better baker by far between the two of them.

But he’s a social creature by design, so it seems fitting that he’d want to spend the afternoon out interacting with their new customers (and probably attempting to charm them into becoming regulars, because that’s just what he does best).

She settles on baking a batch of ginger molasses cookies first. They’re nowhere near as fancy as the gingerbread people James decorated this morning - much simpler and less Instagram-worthy, but they’re Lily’s favourites to make.

She goes about collecting the ingredients she’ll need; most of the standard ingredients are conveniently stored next to the mixing station, but some of the more unique spices, including the crystallised ginger that’s the piéce de resistance of this particular cookie varietal, are stored in their spice cabinet along the back wall.

So she opens the cabinet, rifling through for the things she knows she’ll need - ground ginger, cinnamon, cloves, and, of course, crystallised ginger.

She’s so devoted to this particular task - locating each of the spices in neat alphabetical order amongst the shelves - that she almost misses the small box tucked away amongst the spices. It catches her eye though, at the last possible minute as she’s about to shut the cabinet door.

“That’s not supposed to be there,” she mutters, entirely to herself. She’d looked through these shelves just a few hours while helping with the early morning baking, and it definitely wasn’t there then.

But she doesn’t exactly have time to ponder these sorts of things, so she chalks it up to James messing with her organizational system and turns her attention back to baking. She’ll ask him about it later.

This part, she can do automatically. From all her years working at Just Desserts to pay her way through uni, all the baking she and James got up to just for fun (because of course his favourite date ideas always involved a kitchen somehow), and all the experimenting they’d done to perfect the menu for ‘Tis the Season, baking has become something as natural to her as breathing.

And with these cookies in particular, she’s learned to trust her instincts over any predetermined recipe. It’s something the Lily of three years ago would’ve never even entertained - breaking from a recipe in favour of eyeballing everything - but here she is, sprinkling cinnamon into the mixing bowl with nary a measuring spoon in sight.

She’s hesitant to credit James entirely with her decreased rigidity over the years - she likes to think she would’ve learned to be a little more laidback even without his constant easygoing, playful vibe slowly working its way into her personality - but it’s certainly true that he’s probably played at least some role in it. They’ve both been good for each other in that way - Lily keeps James grounded, he keeps her calm. They’re each other’s rocks.

She puts the bowl of ingredients under the hand mixer, flipping it on and watching the machine fold the flour, sugar, butter, molasses, and spices into one cohesive mixture. The sugary molasses-and-ginger scent of the newly-combined dough starts to reach her nostrils, and with it comes the vivid memory of her first attempt at these cookies.

She’d been with James, naturally, and it was long before ‘Tis the Season had been even the tiniest inkling of an idea in either of their heads.

They’d been together for… maybe a year at that point, and she’d taken the X90 to visit him in Oxford. What she wasn’t expecting to find when she got there, however, was her normally unruffled boyfriend on the edge of a dissertation-related nervous breakdown.

So she’d done the only thing she knew to bring James back down to earth: stuck him in the kitchen with no laptop, where he could stress-bake to his heart’s content.

Which is precisely what he’d done, and they’d very quickly ended up with well over a hundred cookies taking over the small communal kitchen he’d shared with his three roommates. Of those many, many batches of cookies, only one of them was made by Lily: the ginger molasses ones.

She hadn’t had any sort of recipe going in, just combined ingredients in what seemed like vaguely-logical ratios and hoped for the best; the downside of banning all technology from the kitchen for James’ sake was that she hadn’t had a recipe to follow like usual.

And yet, when they’d come out of the oven, and James had taken a bite, he’d sworn up and down that they were probably the best batch of cookies to come out of that day.

The ginger has a talent for ginger cookies, he’d joked, smiling for the first time since Lily had arrived. If we ever open a bakery, these are definitely going on the menu.

It had been nothing but a joke back then, a comment casually thrown about, but now… well, now, they’d actually done it. They’d actually opened a bakery together, and these silly little ginger cookies she’d come up with out of nowhere were suddenly on the menu.

Lily’s memories fully occupy her as she lines the cookies on the baking sheet, each little ball of dough rolled in a bit of sugar for that extra touch of sweetness.

Almost every item in this bakery has a memory just like that attached to it - a memory of her and James - but, she thinks to herself, the memory associated with these ginger cookies might just be one of her favourites.

* * *

Not having any extra inventory at the end of the day is something of a success - selling out in their first day of business is certainly something to be proud of, but it kind of puts a bit of a damper on their plans to serve leftovers at the grand opening party they’ve invited all their friends and family to.

“Well, it’s a good thing I baked a separate cake, isn’t it?” James comments, as they both walk into the back room, away from where everyone is currently mingling in the front of the shop.

“Yeah, at least we’ve got something to feed people with now,” Lily replies, leaning against the counter as James opens up one of the industrial-size fridges. “Champagne is great and all, but throwing a bakery opening party without any baked goods would’ve been a tragedy.”

“I really think Sirius would throw a full-blown tantrum,” he jokes, emerging and holding the boxed-up cake, before launching into an incredibly accurate impression of his best friend. “ ‘I came to an opening party for a bakery and didn’t even get to eat anything? This is a travesty.’ ”

“Well, I suppose we should get this cake out there to avoid such dramatics.”

“Yeah, we should,” James agrees, but he sets the cake on a nearby counter as he’s talking, and turns back to the cabinets. “I just need to do one thing first.”

He opens up the spice cabinet, which serves to remind Lily of the thing she’d been meaning to ask him about.

“Oh, James?”

He looks over at her, fingers still brushing along the bottles inside. “Hmm?”

“There’s a random box sitting in the spices somewhere, I’m guessing it’s yours?” She crosses over to where he’s standing, with the intention of pointing it out to him, just in case he has no clue what she’s referring to. “It’s right…”

The place where she’d seen the little black box earlier is now vacated. “There,” she finishes lamely. “I… how did it just disappear? You and I have been the only people back here today.”

“Do you mean this?” James reaches into his pocket and pulls out the same box she’d seen earlier.

“Yes!” she replies. “I’d been meaning to ask you if you knew what the hell it was, but then we got busy again and I completely forgot about it, and - ”

She doesn’t get to finish that sentence, because James flicks the aforementioned random box open, and whatever comment was about to follow dies on her lips.

Because inside the box sits a diamond ring.

“We agreed to wait until we’d gotten the bakery up and running, and… well, the bakery’s up and running,” he says, and Lily looks back up at his face to see an expression that can really only be described as pure adoration.

She doesn’t even have time to think - much less process what’s happening - when James drops down onto one knee in front of her.

On one hand, she’s naturally pretty surprised by this development, but on the other hand… immediately seizing the very first possible moment to propose honestly sounds exactly like something James would do.

“I’ve never exactly been a paragon of patience, have I?” he jokes, and suddenly Lily is trying to commit every aspect of this moment to memory, from the way the dimmed kitchen lights seem to be casting a glow on James’ skin, to the way the hand holding the ring box is shaking ever-so-slightly, to the...

“You do realise you’re proposing to me while wearing reindeer antlers, yeah?” she can’t help but blurt out.

He reaches up to touch his head at that, almost as if confirming that yes, he does in fact have reindeer antlers on. One corner of his lip turns upwards in a half-smile. “Seems pretty fitting, don’t you think?”

She can’t help but giggle a little at that. Truly, given how consistently James donned a pair of reindeer antlers in the time between their first meeting and their first date (and every holiday season after that, really), it kind of is only fitting that he’d be on one knee in a pair of reindeer antlers too.

“Yeah, I’d say it is,” she replies, giving him the same sort of soft smile in return.

They stay like that for a heartbeat, neither of them saying anything, before James jolts a little. “Right, I’m supposed to make a speech now, aren’t I? Lily, you’re my best friend, my dream girl, and the most Christmassy non-Christmas person I’ve ever met. And I think it’s already pretty damn clear that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, given that we’ve already opened a bakery together and I’m pretty sure that’s a bigger step than marriage anyways, but I want you by my side forever, not only in this bakery but in every other part of our lives as well.”

He gets a mischievous look in his eye, before belting out a, “Make my wish come true, all I want for Christmas is to marry you!”

The makeshift lyrics don’t exactly fit within the flow of the song, and he’s as off-key as ever, but the gesture still makes Lily smile even more broadly than before. “Well, that’s one thing that hasn’t changed from when we first met,” she tells him. “You still can’t sing.”

He shrugs. “Yeah, yeah, I know that. But please don’t leave a bloke hanging on one knee forever.”

After all of the teasing, she finally gives him the answer he’s been waiting for - the answer he knew was coming, no matter how much he jokes that she’s leaving him hanging. “Of course I’ll marry you,” she says, because there’s not another answer she could possibly give, not a single other way that question could be answered - at least, not to her.

James lights up like Christmas morning has come for a second time today. He slides the ring onto her finger and, not even stopping to pay notice to his handiwork, stands up and brings his hands up to the sides of Lily’s face, kissing her like she’s the most wonderful gift he could’ve asked for.

She’s almost content to just stay in this moment, letting the pure joy fill her up until she feels as though she might burst, but another thought hits her, and she pulls back to look at James.

“So does everyone out there know what’s happening back here?” she asks, tilting her head in the direction of the door where, on the other side, all their family and friends are still gathered.

James shakes his head. “No, I didn’t tell anyone. Well, except my parents and your mum... and your dad too, I suppose.” When Lily gives him a questioning look, he continues. “I went to his grave a few weeks ago and had a nice long chat about how I was going to ask his daughter to marry me and while I wasn’t there to ask his permission because I knew his daughter would kill me for succumbing to such a patriarchal tradition, I figured he deserved to be the first to know nonetheless.”

Lily had successfully made it through his entire speech and proposal without crying, but the way he talks about her dad, and the way that he so clearly has come to love and respect a man he’s never even met purely because of the way Lily loves him… it definitely makes her start to tear up.

“He really would’ve loved you,” she chokes out, because even though she’s told him this about a hundred times before, it’s never been quite as true as it is in this moment.

“We would’ve had a hell of a time together, gradually getting you to love every single Christmas tradition there ever is or was,” he replies, lightening the moment between the two of them in typical fashion that only he can manage.

“I don’t doubt it for a moment,” she replies, giving him one more kiss before grabbing onto one of his hands and giving it a squeeze. “Now come on, we’ve got a whole bunch of guests who are probably wondering why the hell it’s taken us so long to get a damn cake out of the fridge.”

“You think they’ll accept getting engaged as an excuse for the delay?” James grins at her, but walks back over to where he’d set the cake on the counter.

“Everyone but Sirius,” Lily answers, finally looking back down at the ring James had put on her finger a couple minutes ago, a ring that she’d almost completely forgotten about in favour of the man who gave it to her. “But he’ll get over it.”

With the cake back in his arms again, James brings it up to the front of the bakery, leaning against the door with his shoulder to push it open, and Lily follows suit.

In the front of the shop, everyone is still gathered and holding plastic flutes of ten-pound champagne, but instead of socialising amongst themselves like they had been when the two of them had disappeared into the back, they’re all looking at Lily and James, as if they’ve been expecting the two of them to reappear for a while now.

“Speech!” a random voice demands - probably Peter, if Lily was putting money on it.

And if giving speeches on demand wasn’t something James Potter was literally born for. “Well, it’s been one hell of a big day for us,” he says, grinning and addressing them all as if he’d rehearsed this a million times.

“We had an amazingly successful first day here at the bakery,” he pauses and glances at Lily with a fully mischievous expression, almost as if to confirm that all hell is about to break loose, “and… we’re engaged.”

Sure enough, the entire bakery immediately bursts into chaos - a very different type of chaos than the lunch rush eight hours earlier but filling ‘Tis the Season with energy nonetheless - and Lily thinks to herself that this random day in July is definitely going to go down in history as better than any Christmas morning.

And that does mean something, because yeah, maybe she is a Christmas person after all.

[fuckstudy]

yeah so im a senior in high school and i just got rejected from almost every school i applied to except one decent one and im super fucking stressed rn because i expected more from myself and i heard that in the long run if you dont go to whatever top schools dont even think about going into law, so should i just give up on my law school dreams already or is it too early. also im from a low income family. im fucking dying on the inside.

Ok anon. There’s a lot to unpack here. So let’s sit down, have a cuppa and work this through.  

1. Only getting “one” good offer.

It’s ok to be stressed. There’s acceptable levels of stress (pity the majority of the stress we’re all under doesn’t fall into that category). 

Let’s recognise that the stress, frustration and pressure that you feel at the moment comes from being an ambitious person. Someone who has a goal. Who has high expectations of themselves. Who wants good things for themselves.

That’s a good thing. To want something better for yourself. Y’know? 

The flipside of ambition is often (not always) some sort of stress and anxiety. It’s like love. The flipside of caring for someone is being vulnerable.

Break down your expectation. Was your expectation that you’d get into X number of amazing schools? That’s fine. But realistically, what’s the result? In the end, no matter how many desirable offers you’d get, you’d only be able to pick one. You can only say yes to one. 

And here, you’ve got the yes you need.

Once you start university, the people who you start studying with, well, nobody cares about the offers you got. Because in the end you’ve all made the same choice - to start at the same university. 

So yes. It’s ok to be disappointed that you didn’t get everything you wanted. Accept that it’s a blow to your confidence.

But keep your head up and your eye on the end goal. Your goal was to get into a good university (I assume). No matter how many offers you’d get, you’d only be able to choose one.

Here, you’ve got a clear choice. 

2. On getting into a good school in order to get into law. 

This varies from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, country to country. 

I’m sure there’s some universities who look at certain undergrad degrees from certain /other/ universities and pass judgment. 

But don’t forget that universities are businesses. And they want more students. For... well... money. 

Having an amazing uni is not a free ticket into law school. There’s a whole lot of other factors that play into it - grades, opportunities, location. 

(I also think whoever gave you that advice is an idiot, but, whatever). 

I’d also consider what kind of law you want to do. Or more broadly, what you want to do with your law degree. Where do you want to practise etc. Because that will influence the law school you’ll apply to and what they’re looking for. 

3. On giving up before you’ve even started

Look. Law is not for everyone. No pride comes from getting into law and then hating every second of your life. People aren’t going to pat you on the back for doing law. 

I don’t know why you want to do law. I don’t know what makes you want to pursue it. 

What I do know is that you need to go into law making an informed choice. And here’s the thing - it’s not a choice you have to make now. Because law school will always be there. It was here before you; it’ll be here after you. 

Don’t think of it as an ultimatum. Because it’s an ongoing conversation you should be having with yourself. Before law school. And if you choose to go to law school, during law school too. 

So in short, yes, it’s too early to give up now. But in saying that, that doesn’t mean I’m encouraging you dive head first into law school to the exclusion of everything else. 

Accept that being from a low income family is something beyond your control. It’s not something that you should feel guilty about. And yes, it may limit your opportunities and you’ll face challenges that other (privileged) students won’t.  But balance that against your reasons for wanting to do law. Assess, reassess.

The door to law school doesn’t really ever close.

Don’t force yourself into it.

There’s no hurry.

[aquarianlights]

Inspirational Message To My Future Self

I honestly cannot wait until I’m in Vet Med focused classes and my entire life is medicine and I can just fucking devote my entire days and nights to studying and being in school and stressing about tests and spend like at least 12 hours a day focusing on JUST MEDICINE and like not have to worry about ANYTHING ELSE. That’s what I want in life right now. . .to have such a busy school schedule that my entire 24 hours in a day is devoted to my major and nothing else. Like, no love interests or dating or bullshit like that. . .being completely single and owning dogs and living in a decent apartment with a friend or two and being on campus again and coming home borderline exhausted but having to stay up anyways because medicine never stops and maybe going to like one party a month and being on campus in a uni again (online classes have grown old tbh) and drinking to be social instead of to cheer myself up and having late night get togethers with other medical majors and being able to complain about stuff going on that is medicine related like BASICALLY I JUST WANT TO LIVE IN A GREY’S ANATOMY WORLD BUT WITHOUT ALL THE ROMANCE BULLSHIT. And then I want to be finishing up my degrees in my 40s and working on my Ph.D. by then and maybe have been working as a vet tech or assistant for my 30s and just having my entire life devoted to animals and medicine and no family bullshit or romance bullshit, just friends and animals and medicine and that’s it. I’m a completely school/career focused individual and from ALL MY BULLSHIT 14+ PAST PARTNERS AND GETTING ENGAGED ONCE AND LIVING WITH MY EX-FIANCE like. . .yo. I’m 25 now and I just don’t want to be with anyone anymore. The single life is where it’s at, tbh. Being with friends, being able to focus on things other than school, having mad crushes but not actually getting into the relationship part of it and just having fun and not even worrying about where my love life is going because who the fuck wants to be chained down in a marriage and have kids (ew coz kids are legit satan reincarnate and ruin your life, like, your personal life is basically over when you have a kid) like. . .I am poly and asexual and career driven for a reason. I’m a strong, independent, animal-loving, EXTREMELY focused transboy who knows what he wants and is determined to get it. 

I know exactly what I want: A Ph.D. in Vet Medicine, a decent sized house in the suburbs with friends from college (preferably other medicine majors) and assorted pets (pomeranians are a must), a small half hour+ commute to my university of choice on a train or ferry, to be able to drink and do drugs socially instead of as a need, to have such a busy schedule that I don’t have time to think about anything and come home exhausted, but satisfied, my own Vet Clinic when I’m MUCH MUCH older with a completely platonic partner from Med school, a bunch of irl platonic relationships where we meet up once a week and just hang out and catch up on the latest in our lives while watching netflix and eating good food, enough money to not have to worry about rent and bills and food and food/toys for my dogs and cats, to have the option to climb the career ladder and being able to climb it at will, to be in a fraternity at least once, to be able to go out and do things at will by myself without worrying about all these anxiety-related things that actually only exist in my mind, the ability to genuinely not care what other people think about me, to keep up with the youth(tm) while I grow older so I don’t get out of date with electronics, to be confident as all fuck, to be able to exude warmth, kindness, positivity, and love to everyone and anyone I meet, to live in Massachusetts within a few hours from Boston, to never EVER be in a psych ward again, to be able to manage in life without therapy, AND FINALLY to be able to afford HRT and top surgery and to go through with it completely with minimal problems from society and the complete support of every friend I have. Oh and y’know to see Bernie Sanders as president once in my lifetime. Tbh. HAH.

I want a lot of things and I have high af aspirations, but I feel like if I stay focused, driven, and my psych meds keep working like they have been, I’m going to be able to achieve absolutely everything I want. I want to have a NEAR neurotypical, normal, average life. . .I know I will never be entirely neurotypical and I will have to work hard af to get through all my psych problems. . .but I really feel like I can do this.

I long for other things, but these are the things I KNOW 100% that I absolutely want. It’s taken me 25 years to figure all this out and to be sure of what I want. I can’t even TELL YOU how many times I have switched majors, but now I have hit on something that really works for me. When I was asked what I wanted to do when I grew up as a kid, I always wrote down to be an author or a vet. And I strayed from the Vet bit coz I shadowed a vet for a while in middle school and they let me in on a surgery and the second the vet opened the golden retrievers stomach with a laser scalpel, I got EXTREMELY light headed and legit fainted. The vet and tech had to catch me and the dog. Like. I gave up on my dream instantly after that. But now I’ve done a bit of vet work and, although I have a pretty bad needle phobia, that is the really the only thing standing between me and my goal. I’m definitely book smart enough to get through it, I’m determined and driven enough, I’m focused enough, I can visualize the end goal VERY clearly, and I have practiced injecting animals enough by now (when my cats were very sick, they needed injections, among other things, and I forced myself to do the injections every day to get over my needle phobia) that I really think I can get through ANYTHING they throw at me. I want to focus on just general vet medicine, but I have an interest in exotic specialty. I don’t know enough to know if I want to go that route yet (and I won’t until I take a class on it), but I know I DEFINITELY want to work in general vet med, dogs and cats, etc. . .

I’m writing all this because there are days and nights where I feel like I need to give up and can’t do this. There are days and nights where it’s hard to visualize the end goal, but I can always see it, even if it’s hazy. There are days and nights where I’m sobbing, shaking, and holding a bottle of pills in my hands, ready to overdose and end it. But, there are also days and nights where I know FOR SURE that this is what I want and this is what I’m going to do. It’s normal to have doubts. It’s fucking NORMAL. And I need to remember that on those dark days/nights.

So I’m writing this as a kind of letter to myself that I can look back at on those days and nights where I have doubts and reaffirm my goals and the end result.

You can do this, Riley. You can get through whatever you’re going through, no matter how bad it may seem. You’re an amazing individual with a lot of intellect and you have a talent for school. You may not have much common sense or societal skills, but you can get through all of that for the end goal. What matters is that you end up happy. . .and you know true and well that all of this will make you happy and fulfilled and you can die knowing you did everything in your power to achieve these goals. Your life may be semi-stagnant right now, but it won’t be forever. You will eventually get off of disability and be able to work hard af to get through life and be a unique member of society. You can do this. Don’t give up. What matters is that you NEVER give up.

You can do this.

I can do this.

[megan-rambles]

April 18th

It’s my birthday tomorrow and everything is so different. I had no idea I’d be staying at dads, at uni testing and then going to work as a BT. on my birthday. I mean, these were all my goals that I was SO desperate to achieve last year and I suppose I didn’t realise how lucky I had it. I didn’t realise that getting into honours and becoming a BT would require so much sacrifice and hard work. It is for sure a lot easier doing just undergrad and not working in a job with responsibility (especially when I decided I wanted to work near uni, big mistake!), and I miss that sometimes. I miss only having to go to uni for class, and I only REALLY had to go to uni when I had a tutorial, which were usually fortnightly. I mean like holy crap, and I thought I was stressed then! But I am glad I have done BT work. Because I wasn’t getting decent experience anywhere else. Yes, I was being fucked over by IGA, but all that did was give me the drive to seek out this work, and now my self esteem is paramount! Its weird seeing everyone graduate. It reminds me of this time last year when I was SO fucking worked up about my birthday and having no friends (which I generally don’t care about this year because I can’t be fucked - its just because I’m an introverted loser and that’s ok) and of that dinner Josh’s family had for Rachel’s graduation (which I didn’t want to go to because apparently I had too much work to do) and meeting Aurora and really chatting to Beth for the first time since I was a child. I was actually so happy, but all I could think about was the fact that I wasn’t getting good experience at IGA, that I was wasting my time etc etc. Its hard to find opportunities relating to psych that isn’t BT, which is hard because BT requires a lot of commitment. Like, I can’t just drop a client without some sort of remorse or consequences. I’m so lucky my current client is so lenient and understanding! I’m glad I get next public holiday and the Tuesday before off so I can stay at home (for 2 consecutive days that aren’t the weekend!!!). Realistically, once testing is over I will only have to come in to uni when I have class/when I have work, which is like 3 days a week. Plus, it seems like my client will be transitioning out of the program soon, which means that either he will transition sometime this year (which suits me!) or he will at least be dropping hours, which means that maybe I will only have to go in Wednesdays. I’m not sure, maybe for generalisation for him I may have to stay with at least 2 days a week. If I do it doesn’t matter, again she is very lenient so it is likely if I make it clear what days I’d like to do (so Tuesday morning, Thursday morning [most ideal] - because I’d only be down in Sydney 2 days a week! or anytime Friday) it should work in my favour. If I can spend less time down in Sydney I think that would benefit me and this unsettling feeling of change. Its like, I’m still at the same uni in the same degree but everything is so DIFFERENT. Partly due to honours, partly due to BT and mainly due to mum. Sometimes I sit here and think like fuck, what has happened to my life. I feel so strong sometimes even being able to lift my head above water. I think its mostly being kind to myself, allowing myself by hedonistic and seek pleasure when I need it. Until (hopefully) May 10th, things will be tough. But then the weather will cool down and testing will be done and I can bloody stay home (oh and I can get my full license!). I do love doing work at uni, but I miss having the flexibility to stay home. I miss those days where I’d go get a coffee or frappe and then just do work at home. But they will come again. The point where I only have to be at uni 3 days a week will come again. I knew I had to be at uni a lot during this year, but I didn’t know that that was just during testing! Next semester will likely be a lot better. 

Anyway, I guess I’m happy enough. Yes I feel like I’m just slugging through the days but its a means to an end. It. will. be. over. Plus, this year will be over soon. I think I will give myself permission just to rest, for however long it takes. I think I will do I feel is needed, i will do what I can, despite what others may think of me. For like 3 years, I’ve been terrified of not finding a job after I graduate, not knowing what to do and mainly worried that others will judge me for being unsuccessful. Ironically, the people who HAVE judged me are the one’s still stuck in retail years after they’ve graduated. I’ve realised that finding the right opportunities isn’t easy for anyone, and just because some people have been given opportunities in retail, doesn’t mean that they are better. In fact, they are worse off, because it’s harder for them to get out! 

Ugh, I could talk about how I feel for hours. The point is that it’s my birthday tomorrow and I think I’m just going to get a takeaway with Josh. It’s going to be tough day, but honestly I’m glad that I’m working because it will keep me busy. Last year I had heaps of things to do and I didn’t do a fucking second of it because of anxiety, that asshole on the road (still not over that - like it was my birthday!!) and low as fuck self esteem. I had work to do but I didn’t have any immediate obligations - which meant I had nothing to actually distract me. Because it started with getting my eyebrows done and then going to Penrith to ‘treat myself’ (a horrible idea because I felt so self-indulgent and narcissistic and obviously that dickhead) and then went to a crappy restaurant with Josh that made me sick and it was just crap and he low key got me a pretty meh present (shh) which I felt guilty feeling disappointed with because I get why he would have gotten it. Tomorrow I will be doing what I have to do. If I can get through the day without giving a crap than it’s successful. If I get messages from the friends that matter to me that’s all that matters. I am grateful for Josh honestly. Like, the trouble is is that its not like I don’t have friends to spend it with, its literally that I don’t have time. So if I can have a night in with him with some fancy takeaway pizza and some cheese and wine that’d be nice :) - I’m actually looking forward to that because its a way of having something nice happen on my birthday without compromising my work or having the day with nothing to do and nothing to distract me. So again, I am grateful for that! 

Plus, there will be some moments I will look fondly back on for this time this year. I mean, when uni is in session, the Tuesday classes are great! Plus I definitely don’t feel as alone, although the mid-sem break is hard as it always is because I don’t have classes but I do have to come in for testing and do work. 

ANYWAY, I’m going to write my essay. I’m tired and the weather’s a bit meh today and I feel gross and I don’t really want to go to work but whatever. Just have to get through the week, it will be better next week. 

[happynowidiot-blog-blog]

Down the Rabbit Hole

Last night was seriously insane. I'm past the point where I can even be concerned with how well we now know the Big Chill bar staff. We now literally know every bouncer by name and are greeted with hugs from all but one of them. We've started to get to know even the new bartenders and some of the older ones have started comping drinks and making them before we've gotten the chance to order. Something upset me last night to the point where I slightly broke my phone by chucking it at a wall outside a tube station. My immediate thought was that I wanted to go to Big Chill. Penny was hanging out with Arjun, a guy who graduated from my uni and was now getting his MA from her's, and I texted her to tell her that that's where I was going. I figured if I was going to be drinking alone I might as well drink alone with bartenders I know serving me. I hadn't eaten since that afternoon and the sandwich I'd had then was the first thing I'd eaten since the afternoon before that. I met Penny and Arjun at what used to be Ruby Lounge but is now a surprisingly nice B@1. We did a shot of Frangelico and walked to Big Chill. Magnus was waxing the bar when we walked in and a way-more-drunk-then-me Penny took over for him. Arjun looked seriously confused at how well we knew him. We got drinks and I quickly caught up with her and Arjun's drunkenness. Sherlock was there eventually and he walked by me as I chanted "Sherlock, hold me." He was in no way paying attention, thank god. I talked to him about his birthday and it was surprisingly non-awkward. I didn't sound creepy at all which is always exciting. When we got there, I'd texted Taffy and told him to come down because I was upset and Pen was wasted. Right before he got there, my card got declined during my round (which is insane because I literally went to a cashpoint and got more than I'd been trying to charge out). But Penny ran home to grab cash anyways and Taffy walked in right after she walked out. My phone being fucked is not a good thing as Taffy had responded to my text but I hadn't gotten it until this morning. He'd been, and I quote, "in jammies and a mess." He wasn't going to come over but when I didn't respond to that he figured he should come find me. He's my favorite human alive. So, he walked into Big Chill and gave me a giant hug. Arjun looked uncomfortable with the presence of another attractive guy and went outside to smoke after a while. Penny came back and handed me a thing of chips from the chicken place. She knew I needed to eat something so had stopped to get them for me. I offered them to Taffy and he said no and I offered them to the bartenders and Sherlock took a handful and then goes, "You can't have those in here," around his mouthful of chips. A minute later he takes more and says, "You seriously can't." He's hilarious. Whoah. I just had a flashback to me feeding Magnus a chip. That's amazing.  

So, we're just chilling with Taffy after Arjun left (without saying goodbye to me I'd like to add) and this newer bartender, Rob, got off a bit before they closed. He changed and was drinking a beer while standing next to me at the bar flipping through an Evening Standard someone had left there. We've met before but he also looks confused when I try to talk to him so I leaned over and re-introduced myself with, "It's Rob, isn't it?" We talked for awhile as we finished our drinks. God, he's attractive. He's totally a type though. I knew he was a musician without him saying anything (his facebook confirmed it). He just looks like one. The first time I saw him, I told the person I was with that he looked like he had Andrew Garfield's hipster personality and he totally does. He's one of those rare hipster types that isn't actually a hipster though. He just looks like one with none of the attitude. I asked him what he does and he said he's bartender. I said, "Yeah, but like what's your goal beyond that?" Basically, I wanted to know what his non-day job is. He looked slightly away and said, "I don't wanna talk about my goals," before taking a sip of his beer. He asked me what I did and we talked for a bit about my uni. I told him about my summer (have no idea why) and I said something about how handcuffs are surprisingly heavy. He said he knows, he's worn them before. I was expecting either another ominous silence or some drunken story. Instead, I got a hilarious story about his hijinks as a 5 year old and the tragedy that followed when he managed to lose the keys. He lives in Bromley with his parents still which I always forget isn't weird here at all. His sister lived at home until she was 27 because she was in university for forever getting two degrees, one in biochemistry and one in medicine. I told him then about George going to uni for medicine and how hilarious his name would be with "Dr." in front of it. I didn't feel awkward talking about George with him. I didn't even get distracted by the fact that I'd brought him up. It was a quick mention, a short anecdote. I really like this guy Rob (even if I feel like I've seen him with a girlfriend like character). He's chill and I felt comfortable talking to him, which doesn't happen very often.  

So, eventually he has to leave or he's going to miss his train and so we hugged awkwardly because he was standing at the bar and I was sitting on a barstool and neither of us like turned the right way. It was kind of bad but whatever. As he left, the bar was closing and Sherlock walked into the room behind the bar he disappears into from time to time. And Penny followed him. I was watching this in like slow motion. I literally had one arm stretched out to try and stop her. I decided the only logical step here would be to follow the two of them into what I'd always assumed was Sherlock's office. It is not an office. It's a rather small room where they count money. It is literally a money counting room. As soon as I stepped behind the bar I was struck by a feeling of falling down the rabbit hole. It was seriously surreal being on the other side of the bar. Apparently, when Penny first walked into the room Sherlock looked at her and said, "You can't be in here, you're going to steal all our monies!" Penny responded with, "I gave you most of that." Sherlock gave a bark of a laugh and shrugged, she had a point. After I walked in, we stood there for a minute or so and I'm not really sure why we decided to leave. It was crowded with all three of us in there and Sherlock was smiling wide as he said goodnight and we backed out the way we came.  

The night ended with a quick debriefing session outside with Taffy as Magnus made faces at us through the glass. We discussed how funny it is watching tourists wander around with that confused look on their faces and repaired our karma by asking this poor Canadian girl where she was trying to get. Penny and I said goodnight to Taffy and walked her to the Clink before collapsing on the couch at home. Penny woke me up around 10:30 as she had to get to class. Both of us were still a little drunk. I really need to start eating. All in all, it was totally the night I needed. I love Taffy to death and I'm excited to be in a place where I can talk to Rob on a regular basis. The best part though is totally us being behind the bar. So, so amazing. 

[bakechochin]

Book Reviews - The Malice

The Malice - Peter Newman - It’s rather telling of me that on my month off from uni, I opt to spend my free time reading grizzly shit like this, but god damn is it fucking worth spending my free time on - As a sequel to ‘The Vagrant’, I was expecting good shit (please don’t expect me to read a sequel without comparing it to the original), and the two things that really stood out to me about that book, the amazing world and the beautiful writing (in lovely juxtaposition with how fucked up everything that goes on in the world is), are still here in abundance -> The world especially was something that I really liked, because in this book Newman not only shows us new unexplored elements of the world (I especially liked how this book follows the Empire of the Winged Eye a lot more than the last one, which only properly delved into the Empire at the very end), but looks at how elements of the first book had changed in the time-lapse (and it’s always the return of stuff that I didn’t expect to see returning, which was fucking sweet) -> I also liked how, unlike the previous book which only really delved into the main cities, this book shows us the wider wild world in all its glory, meaning that we are able to definitively say that the wilderness of this world is just as fucking horrifying as everything else - The characters were a bit hit-or-miss but generally likeable enough, especially Vesper -> Newman has a skill of taking characters that should at best be uninteresting and at worst actively annoying in how little they can do, such as silent protagonists, babies, goats and in this book children, and actually managing to make me like them; as a rule I’m not fond of children and find their presence in books irritating because of how helpless they often are, but Vesper proves herself to not only be independent but very likeable in her optimism and legitimate care about those who surround her -> Duet made for a great counterbalance to Vesper and provided some pretty sweet scenes; I was a wee bit concerned at first that the duo in this book would just be a recreation of the duo in the previous book (i.e. Duet as a grim put-about honour-bound killer like the Vagrant, Vesper as the more human and genial of the two like Harm), but the circumstances surrounding Duet, especially all the stuff with the Harmonised, was enough to make Duet a stand-alone character separate from the Vagrant character mould -> I do kind of wish that the adventurers weren’t weighed down by the burden of that fucking baby goat; yes the goat in the previous book was an arsehole who got the Vagrant into shit, but that was because the animal was actively being an arsehole, whereas in this book shit often goes awry because the goat is just a gormless idiot, which is far more frustrating to read -> I wonder about the purpose of Samael besides beings a means to reveal more about the wider world and the infernals; he was an alright character in that low-effort way of being in the ‘inoffensive put-about warrior with a sense of justice’ character mould, but he didn’t really add anything or do anything noteworthy, and really only seems to be there to a) retain a link to the Knights of Jade and Ash from the last book, b) remind the reader that the supposedly horrifying threat of the Yearning and the infernals is still relevant (because although defeating the Yearning supposed to be the whole goal of Vesper’s adventure, it’s rarely ever brought up), and c) pad out of the length of the book -> The side characters were all pretty alright, my favourites being the returning revolutionaries from the first book, and of course Ezze/Little Ez, the greatest of geezers - Whilst we’re on the subject of characters, I need to rant for a bit about how much I fucking love the First, and how glad I am that it had a bigger role in this book than it did in the last one -> Okay so in my reading experience, there’s a lot of ways of making a villain, and it all depends on the book (and now I’m gonna bring up The Gentleman Bastard sequence as evidence for my point because that’s what I always do and fuck you for trying to make me do otherwise); in ‘The Gentleman Bastard Sequence’ the villains have to be bigger dickheads than the dickheads we’re rooting for, in ‘The Kingkiller Chronicle’ the main overarching villains are supernatural murdering dickheads with no redeeming qualities but such a villain is necessary in a book that’s intended to be like an archetypal tavern-told story, etc. -> I’d liken the First to Shrake in ‘The Gates of the World’, as it is an effective villain due to both its persuasiveness and how fucking overpowered it is, but whilst Shrake exists as this sort of aloof and cantankerous character who no one in the cast can really relate to, the First finds a way to get through to humans and make them side with him -> That, and the multifaceted and fucking awesome ‘innumerable collected bodies controlled by one hive mind’ thing, makes the First one of my favourite fucking villains in a long while - The whole ending was really really nice, with a contemplative and pleasant journey back the way they came to right all their wrongs that equally warmed my heart and made me very excited for the final book in the trilogy, whenever that’s coming out - I do have a few concerns regarding how the world has changed; not wanting to spoil, but a lot of the main overpowered antagonists of the previous book aren’t really around in this one, and there isn’t a whole lot to fill the void they leave behind -> Like the world seems a lot emptier in this book; there are limited trips to major cities and the cities that we do go to don’t have the same enigma and threat to them now that the infernal deities that once presided over them aren’t around any more, meaning that the adventure seems less like the risky dangerous trip through city after city that we got in the previous book, and more like just a journey through fucked-up wilderness interspersed with run-ins with characters who progress the plot - Come to think of it, a lot of the issues that I have with the adventure as a whole is the stuff that is different from the previous book, which sounds petty but let me elaborate -> Yes obviously I love the idea of Vesper picking up the sword that her father once held and going off on her own quest in her father’s footsteps, and obviously Newman wanted this as well, which is why I can’t help thinking that the setup to put Vesper in her father’s position is kind of contrived -> The adventure itself, the exploration of the world and the interactions between Vesper and Duet, is all fucking great and I loved reading it, but in order for this to happen Vesper had to be completely shanghaied into the midst of this shit with little to no warning and no time to recover, and this only happened because Vesper made a poorly-justified impulse decision -> And this therefore results in a completely jarring tonal shift between Vesper’s quaint life on the farm, raising goats and wistfully dreaming of something more, to crashing in a military compound prison and being marched through a battlefield whilst all the people who took her there get gruesomely fucking obliterated around her; compare this with the first book, which starts off mid-adventure to establish the dark tone of the story, which is then retained throughout -> Also I guess a minor thing I was uneasy about is how the Vagrant was a fully grown man and therefore could take a bit of a beating in the harsh world, but Vesper is only like twelve or something and may very well have gotten the shit kicked out of her by everything throughout the course of the story, but as it turns out a) Vesper was strong-willed and quick-thinking enough to not be too up against the odds, and b) had Duet with her, who could fuck shit up to a radical degree, so feel free to disregard this point -> However, what the child protagonist thing does negatively alter is that children don’t know shit about sword fighting, so there’s way less radical sword fight scenes in this book than there were in the previous book; the Malice just kind of functions like the Luggage in Discworld, coming along from time to time to dramatically deus ex machina Vesper and Duet out of whatever shitty situation they’ve stumbled into - 8/10

I have a load of other book reviews on my blog, check that shit out.