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stupidpianist · 6 years ago

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10 October 2018

08:00: Woke extremely blearily. Was like, “Jesus, I feel like I didn’t get any sleep last night.” Was one of those nights where you’re sort of phasing in-and-out of sleep but you’re never fully asleep and never fully conscious. Remember distinctly thinking, at multiple moments throughout the night, that my pillow “felt inordinately uncomfortable,” without being able to cognize why, even after visual/tactile investigation of said pillow. First emotion I recall upon waking: extreme, almost shocking levels of stress/anxiety. Told myself, “breathe, just deep breathe, like you see in those meditation videos,” and rationalised that cortisol levels follow a strong diurnal rhythm, with “high levels in the morning that peak 30-45 minutes after waking, dropping rapidly for the next several hours and declining slowly throughout the rest of the day, until a low point of around midnight.” Deep breathing seemed to have an opposite effect, felt distinctly “out-of-breath” like I had been running for five-to-ten minutes, felt increasingly panicked.

08:55: Felt a sensation like I “might as well” get up, stood, walked to bathroom, splashed water on my face. Chose hair product I haven’t used in months to try and “switch things up,” feeling a little mischievous, or something. I usually use this Gatsby branded Asian hair product, but “went with” my pink Reuzel “heavy grease” one today, with pretty good results, maybe, possibly. Then walked to sink, where I made a G Fuel energy shake and drank it while standing and staring at my wall, feeling “extremely surprised” that I “somehow didn’t feel tired” despite not really sleeping the entire night.

09:10: Moved to bed and idly browsed Facebook while thinking, “do a ‘mix-and-match’ outfit today, go ahead, go crazy,” and chose slightly older jeans and a slightly newer jacket. Felt medium-to-high levels of panic re: entire future of my life, short-term tasks I hadn’t done yet, long term-tasks I hadn’t done yet. Attempted to force “positive thinking” on myself through unrelentingly repeating aphorisms in my head, and ceaselessly telling myself that “I can do it,” and that “I’ll get through it,” and will “feel better in an hour or two.”

09:35: Walked to “Animal Behaviour and Theory” lecture, vaguely annoyed that it was drizzling a little. Decided to be a “polite pedestrian,” a “law-abiding citizen” and didn’t jaywalk, despite sometimes being at intersections with no cars within eyeshot, waiting for the walk signal to illuminate. Felt strangely unable to decide what music to play from iPod, switching between bands before settling on Kero Kero Bonito.

10:04: Notes from margins of my notebook from lecture:

-Chose to write with “classic pen” over “fancy pen”

-Energy… fading…

-Seem unable to stop shaking left leg

-Is this a homemade carbonara sauce?

-Gosh I’m tired

For most of the lecture I actually felt, like, attentive and focused. I really like the professor who teaches this class, who I also took another psych course with over the summer. He’s my favourite professor this semester “by a long shot,” and I genuinely enjoy going to his classes. Distinctly remember a lot of the jokes he makes, and am also appreciative that he goes over denser topics at a reasonable rate, whilst not overdoing simpler ones. Another observation—he always has the same thermos, unfalliably, every class, and I’m pretty certain it’s filled with coffee. Seems like he drinks an egregious amount of coffee, like, more than almost anyone I’ve ever met. I looked him up on Facebook one night, just out of curiosity, and saw that he listens to thrash metal, which makes a lot of sense, ie. corroborates well with his general presence. He once made a small exclamation of astonishment that there are scientists who “study blue jays”; I felt similarly surprised.

11:36: Hardcore debating with myself whether or not to “stick it through” and just spend the rest of the day on campus practicing piano and studying, then going home, or if I should go back home for a bit and nap. Unsure if I have… the “stamina”... the “drive”... the “tactical know-how”... the “desire” to push on…

Okay, no, no, I’ve decided, I have to do this, I can’t break down on the second day of liveblogging, NOT ON THE SECOND DAY. My head is going “you can’t do this to yourself, George, you can’t quit now,” like, in a motivational, Will Smith-esque voice. Imagining Will Smith leaning over my shoulder, one arm around me, with slightly furrowed eyebrows going, “come on, man, you can do it, you can D-O I-T,” and really annunciating the last few consonants. Yes, yes, feeling “renewed energy,” feeling like I’m gonna go practice, then go to my last lecture, and “finish off the day,” just “tie it off in one fell swoop.”

12:07: Reading Megan’s Liveblog with the intent to stop reading it once my need to use the bathroom becomes “unavoidable.” Still listening to Kero Kero Bonito. Feel strongly that this is going to be the “vibe” for today, and felt immediate aversion towards using the word “vibe” in a viscerally disgusted manner.

Feel earnest and tear-inducing empathy towards song “Sometimes” by Kero Kero Bonito, semi-dancing to it with my torso and head in the library. Softly singing along to the lyrics:

“Sometimes, life gets you down

But you can turn it all around

The raindrops keep falling, you're soaking to the bone

And you can't see for the clouds

Sometimes, life isn't fair

But you can beat it, don't despair

You win some, you lose some

And then you lose some more

You even played your best

But just round the corner

The sun's looking dapper

And Lady Luck's his date

The happy days are coming again

Sometimes, life is a drag

But get that chin up, don't be sad

'Cause somebody up there is looking out for you

And now they're makin' plans

But just round the corner

Well, the real truth of it's that nobody really knows

Life sure doesn't make sense

But on your boots you can bet

That everybody gets the blues sometimes”

I feel like a major part of why I’ve been so endeared to this band for years is just its honest, down-to-earth, non-elaborated-nor-ornamented, non-pessimistic but non-optimistic, just truthful look at life. Feel like it “mixes well” with the slightly childlike, but forlorn instrumentals. Feel like this is definitely “intentional,” and I’m “nowhere near” the first person to point this out, but still feel good that personally observing this elicited such strong, benevolent emotional feedback.

12:25: Really, really considering going to Burger King for “Whopper Wednesday” and getting a cheapass Whopper meal… Feel my stomach “churning for that Whopper.” Brain is going, in sing-song-ey voice, “you want that Whopper, dontcha, big boy, you want that Whopper digesting in your big ol’ tummy huh big boy.”

12:34: Sent a Snapchat to best friend Felix while leaving library in direction of Burger King. The Snap read “Yo wanna hit up Burger King Whopper Wednesday today”. Meant it as a bit of a joke, as Felix lives in Ottawa (and I live in Montreal). Used to enjoy getting food with him to a significant, nearly unbelievable degree. Imagined him opening the Snap while on break at work and smiling, maybe even grinning a bit.

12:45: My internal voice just announced, “Now arriving at Burger King,” with a subway-announcer-like cadence and tone, as I entered the Burger King, slightly afraid that there would be a massive line, being that I was arriving around, or just after “peak lunch hours.” Well guess what?? Barely a line. Barely one at all. Must have taken just shy of five minutes to place an order. “One Whopper meal, please,” I said. It was a “smooth interaction.” No hiccups or speed bumps or unforseen conversation points brought up without proper preparation.

Ahead of me were two people who asked for “the spicy sauce,” and the person behind the counter placed “buffalo” sauce on their tray, which made me think, “why not, treat yourself, go for it, how many times can a man eat buffalo Burger King sauce?” and so I asked the lady for “some buffalo sauce, please.” Made me feel a little spoiled.

Chose “Cherry Coke” and almost immediately regretted it after first sip. Should have gone with “ol’ faithful,” the “OG” Coke, sans extra flavourings. An amateur mistake, and one that I’ll learn from in the future.

I sat near a window, and while eating, conspicuously stared outside and people-watched, and made direct, extended eye contact with thirty, maybe forty, maybe even fifty people?? A lot of them seemed to have actively depressed facial expressions, which, combined with the grey weather, made me feel slightly concerned for the general public as a whole.

Attempted to offset this feeling of desperation/dysphoria by strategising the most optimal way to consume french fries whilst also eating a burger. Tried a multitude of different “tactics,” including:

-pre-dipping and leaving the french fries in the sauce, so they could accumulate “sauce flavour” and be “ready for the picking” whenever you wanted one

-placing the fries inside the burger so as to eat both at the same time and sort-of do the whole “two birds one stone” thing

-assigning one hand as the “dedicated fry hand,” the other hand as the “dedicated burger hand,” and ensuring that, while taking bites of the burger, the other hand reached and grabbed more fries; this seemed to be a little complicated as the meal went on, given the messiness of the burger, which became increasingly sloppy with each bite

After these experiments I eventually just settled on holding the burger with both hands (still in the wrapper to minimise direct skin-on-food contact) and routinely putting it down on the papered tray to stuff some fries in my mouth. Sad.

13:05: Left Burger King. Walking to practice rooms. It’s a lot colder now than when it was when I first walked to campus. Like, much colder. Like, much, much colder.

13:13: Smelled pungent odour in basement of music building, seemed like a byproduct of Vietnamese banh mi/pho place in the music cafeteria?

13:18: Practiced Schubert “therapeutically,” Alkan “aggressively, then Thalberg “for maintenance.” Completely forgot about my previous tiredness, also temporarily forgot about ~90% of the external world for a good portion of the “practice session,” which surprised me. Made me want to “keep going.” Responded to Facebook messages from best friend Poppy, who lives in the same apartment complex as me, in response to how much colder the day had gotten since both of us woke up.

15:09: Practice session rudely interrupted by protesters outside on sidewalk blaring horn sounds. Didn’t notice them while practicing, but now that I’ve started fixating on them, I can’t hear anything except for their interminable squawking. ALERT!!! SHUT UP!!!! NOBODY CAN HEAR THEMSELVES!!!! YOUR PROTEST HAS FOUR PEOPLE!!!! WHAT ARE YOU PROTESTING!!!! YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A SIGN!! I HATE YOU!!!

I don’t actually hate them I shoiuldn’t have typed that, “hate” is too strong a word to use 99.99% of the time, I feel, in any situation. Need to “get the hell out of here,” though, cannot possibly concentrate with this din.

15:15: Walking back to McLennan library to “work on things” on computer before next lecture, “Intro to Behavioural Neuroscience.” Reading music reviews of recently-released albums on phone while walking. Feel high spikes of excitement to listen to Marissa Nadler’s new album, For My Crimes, all my favourite music reviewers are unanimously praising it. Really loved her last album, Strangers. Reading Pitchfork blurb for this new one: “On her moody eighth album, the Boston singer-songwriter examines the icy terrain of marital strife through the lens of her habitual gothic folk.” Thinking, “yes, yes, yes, good, good, thank you, yes, amazing.” Also thinking, “Wait, she’s from Boston?”

15:25: Seated at desktop workstation in McLennan ground floor. Reading any articles on Marissa Nadler I can find, Megan Boyle’s Liveblog open in another tab, Spotify open in another tab, Marissa Nadler’s new album playing. Sounds so good so far.

Woman seated to the right of me is bobbing her head to a song with a similar rhythmic pattern to the song playing for me… We’re both bobbing our heads a little, we’re in sync… Looks like a miniature silent dance party in this corner of the library, in this corner of the library we really “know how to party,” we really “get it on.” We’re a “coupla party animals” up in THIS corner of the library, i tell you what.

16:03: Woman to my right packed up her supplies and left. Sad. Was studying some history course on France. Enjoyed our “moment” together. Feel strongly that anonymous, limited, spontaneous connections with strangers, often based on music, are immensely enjoyable, some of the most enjoyable interactions one can have, I feel.

Recalling “silent disco night”: showed up to the venue, everyone put on headphones and loaded up the pre-made mix, started the mix at the same time. At around ten pm, disco leader danced in front of us leading “the pack” through the streets as we all aggressively danced to mix nobody else could hear. A “life changing” experience. Please do it at least once in your life, you “owe it to yourself.”

Marissa Nadler album seeming to “sync up” perfectly to reading Megan’s Liveblog in an uncanny way. Unfortunately feel mounting dread over going to next lecture, knowing I will likely be nodding off for ~60-70% of it, not because the material is uninteresting, but the format of the lecture is unfortunately unconducive towards holding interest, I feel… Am trying not to “trash talk” anyone, feel distinctly worried that this could come across as “trash talking” to some of u, trust me, I am not trash talking this class, the problem is me, not the lectures, I am just a bad student, trust me, please, please…

Contemplated not going, then reverted back to my “no, George, you can’t just skip class willy nilly like this” thinking. Feeling this liveblog actively coercing me to do things like go to class in a beneficial manner. “Thank you, liveblog,” I’m thinking, softly, in my head.

16:31: Speedwalking to lecture. Feeling “determined,” almost recklessly so, to attempt to remain focused for the entirety of this class.

16:59: Notes scrawled while sitting in class:

-Oh my gosh i should just leave, eh?

-Sensory transduction

-Feel focus fading fast

-Reading Megan’s Liveblog in class via phone

-Need to go pee anyways

-Gonna leave after another ~30ish minutes, I think... That’s a “healthy medium,” right? Have I FAILED MYSELF? Ha ha. Na.

-Just gotta rly catch up on these lectures

-Three other people left, thought, “three down,” classroom seems only 1/2 full since first day of class

-Jeez I gotta pee I’m so leaving gosh I’m so bad I’m so behind in this class anyways but all the lectures are recorded so I think I’ll be fine...

17:12: Couldn’t do it. That’s right, folks. I’ve “thrown in the towel.” Feel free to beat on my lazy dumb rump, just come up to me and backhand smack me across the face. Don’t be afraid to knock a few teeth loose, it’s been a long time coming.

I am feeling “vaguely adventurous,” though, I’m going to use one of the bathrooms in the Leacock/Arts building underground tunnel that I almost never use; last time I used it was when I did the all day full reading of Milton’s Paradise Lost like almost a full year ago. That was really life changing, I don’t think the professor is doing it again this year, but I hope I can get an invite to Miltonmas again?

(You’re wondering what Miltonmas is. It’s hosted by the resident Milton expert professor here at McGill, and it’s this get together on Milton’s birthday, which always falls nicely and coincidentally near holiday break. I went last year and it was, like, super fun. Not very Milton-themed though, just a lot of wine, a lot of English students, and then at the end of the night there was caroling. Now you know what Miltonmas is, you’re welcome.)

UPDATE: used the bathroom. They had one of those newfangled Dyson Airblade V dryers that I always go crazy for (”Now 30% quieter & costs 69% less to run than other hand dryers. Free 5 year warranty available.”), though not as crazy as those Airblade dB ones you shove your hands down vertically into.

Check this bad boy out:

Bumped into one of the volunteers for the community piano program I help coordinate and he said he was about to take an organic chem midterm and I made an exaggeratedly concerned facial expression, then said, “good luck, man.” He responded, “see you” a few seconds later after I had already walked away a bit, and I spun around again said, “yea, see you soon,” then continued walking home.

17:28: Y’all won’t even believe the kind of shenanigans I’m about to get myself into. Guess what I’m about to do? Take your wildest, I can almost guarantee you’re gonna be so so off the mark.

I’m getting grocery store sushi.

That’s right, I, George, a simple peon, am treating myself to TWO meals out in ONE day. I have no idea why I’m doing this. I was just walking home and my brain said, “you know what’d be good? Cheap, cold, bad grocery store sushi. Go get it, go, fetch, you dog, fetch for me, I want it.”

18:05: Ate the sushi while watching videos of people preparing sushi on YouTube. It was extremely unsatisfying and tremendously filling to the point where I regret even buying it. I should have known better. Filing this one in another one of “today’s failures,” and in the entire-orders-of-magnitude larger folder of “my life’s failures.” Shoot.

#liveblog #blog #writing

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