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punksarahreese · 4 years ago

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Letters | A Chance Meeting (Twice Over)

Nosdecember day 12 | @neworleansspecial

Teen!au; Sarah and Ava’s struggle to keep in contact

CW: narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, need-panic and PTSD themes from said abuse, drug/alcohol/gambling mention, homophobia

***

Ava,

I know I haven’t answered your texts in a while. By the time you get this it will probably be a couple weeks since I last messaged. I promise I would never ignore you, what happened is out of my control.

Mom and her boyfriend broke up. Since then, she’s been adamant that we forget our trip ever happened. She threw out all our things from South Africa already, including the t-shirts we bought together. She said I can’t text you anymore.

It’s not fair, I know. I tried for a couple weeks to keep in contact through messages, I didn’t want to worry you, but she found out. She takes my phone at night now, she reads all my texts. I’m sorry, Ava; I don’t want to ignore you, I promise.

If this letter gets to you, send one back if you wanna. My friend said you can mail things to her address, she won’t open them, just so my mother doesn’t take them from me. I’ve attached the address and her name too, if you wanna write me back. I understand if you’re upset with me, just know I didn’t mean to cut you off.

I miss you,

Sarah

Sarah did her best to be subtle as she crept down the stairs, purple envelope burning a hole in her pocket. She hoped her mother was asleep so she wouldn’t have to answer any questions. She did have an alibi in mind though, her school bag hanging over one shoulder and library card on the lanyard around her neck. She had long since mastered the art of lying to get out of her mother’s manipulation, which Sarah feared would progress to her becoming a narcissistic liar like the woman who raised her. Still, that was a worry for future Sarah; right now she just wanted to get to the post office.

Luckily she had been asleep, wine glass abandoned on the kitchen counter and ¼ of a bottle left beside the couch. Sarah didn’t want to think about what kind of a mood she would be in when she got back. The drinking wasn’t always a problem, it came and went as boyfriends left or she lost jobs due to her unaddressed issues. Sometimes it was too much wine, other times she turned to marijuana or spending rent money on scratch lottery tickets. Sarah never knew which one of her mother’s coping mechanisms would appear during an episode, she just knew better than to mention it when it happened. The narcissism never left though, that was something Sarah had been accustomed to since before her dad even left the picture.

Nevertheless, she made it out of the house and to the post office. 30 minutes later, Sarah had mailed her letter, though she did have to pay a bit of a ridiculous fee to mail it where she wanted. That was another feat that made her painfully aware of the distance between her and the best friend she hadn’t seen for months.

Three weeks after that, Sarah’s friend pulled her aside at lunch. She pressed a cream coloured envelope into her hand, not saying a word but giving her a soft smile. Sarah didn’t open the letter until she was on the bus ride home, but the fact that Ava had actually responded to her had the other girl giddy all day.

The replying letter was longer than Sarah expected, two pages of Ava saying she was so glad to hear from her. Ava was sorry that Sarah’s mother was being so cruel, stating that she wished things could be different. What got Sarah the most was the lilac scent wafting from the paper, Ava’s favourite perfume. Of course Ava would be the kind of person to spritz her stationary with her signature scent, just as much as she was the person to fold her letter into threes and seal it with a little anatomical heart sticker. It was the little things like that that made Sarah miss her even more, the little quirks that she would always associate with the other girl.

This started a bit of a routine. The letters took about a week to get to Ava and hers took a bit longer to make it to the US, for whatever reason. Their communication was not the greatest, slower and less frequent than either would like, but they made it work for a while. There was one day that Sarah’s friend, their in-between for correspondence, dragged her to her locker. She gave Sarah a teasing look when she passed her the small package along with a letter, saying that her mom had been confused about the mail since it was less conspicuous than usual. Still, it made Sarah’s day and she spent her afternoon in the corner of the library, going over Ava’s words.

The gift had been a dainty silver necklace, the charm attached to it making Sarah smile widely. It was a dopamine molecule, a neurotransmitter responsible for feelings of love. It was also appropriate because a lack of dopamine causes anxiety, which they both knew plagued Sarah greatly. While cheesy, the gift was so Ava and it was the first gift Sarah had received in a while. It made Sarah’s heart ache as much as it made her happy; what she wouldn’t give to hug her best friend at that point.

After putting the necklace on, she reread the letter. There was one portion that made her want to cry, to drop everything and figure out how to book a flight to South Africa even as a minor.

You’re always on my mind Sarah, as much as I’m embarrassed to admit it. Even though we’ve only spent two weeks in person together, I think you might be my favourite person. These last few months of letters have been a blessing and a curse. I miss your voice, your laugh, and I miss staying up until 4 AM just to talk to you. I miss you more than I thought I would and I’m so sorry things turned out this way. If I could, I would bring you here to live with me in a heartbeat. Forget parents and manipulation, you don’t deserve this. I’m worried, Sarah, You’re so far away and I don’t want to lose you. I know it's childish of me to say, but I just want to run away with you.

That, paired with the love signoff etched into the sweet, lilac scented paper, was enough to make Sarah weep. Ava cared about her, a lot, and Sarah couldn’t properly convey how important that was to her. She hadn’t felt truly loved in God knows how long, so the fact that she was so far away from and so cut off from the one person who made her feel special was so frustrating.

She read Ava’s letters over whenever she had bad days. It was her escape from her mother’s constant manipulation and gaslighting; a reminder that someone out there did love Sarah. She let herself get lost in Ava’s words, the scent of her perfume, and the feeling of her necklace under her fingertips. It wasn’t the same, it didn’t heal her like a hug would have, but it was enough in the moment. She didn’t want to admit how many times she had cried over those letters, though the tearstained paper would be indicative enough. She missed Ava so much and she so badly needed to hear her voice, just one more time. Hearing her speak those words, the promises she made, in that low accented tone would have been Sarah’s breaking point. Still, it was the one thing she wanted more than anything.

They exchanged letters for almost six months, to the point where they had their respective postal systems memorized. Over those months, despite everything, they even became closer. At some point, Ava admitted she had feelings for Sarah. Her letter was filled with apologies and promises that it shouldn’t ruin their friendship. Sarah wrote back and shyly admitted her own feelings, in an emotional note that ended up being smudged from tears. They weren’t dating, they never actually said that explicitly, but they knew they loved each other. The contact was so hard, it strained their relationship so much, but it was what both girls needed. As time went on Ava had no qualms with saying she loved her and every time Sarah read those words she felt her heart swell. Ava loved her, she really did. It made Sarah feel like the luckiest girl in the world, as cheesy as it was.

Sarah had just returned home from school, another envelope tucked carefully into her day planner, when her world flipped upside down. Her mother was in her room, reeking of alcohol, and she had Sarah’s hidden shoebox on the bed. All of Ava’s letters had been saved in that box, tucked away in the back of her closet so she could reread them when she needed to feel loved. The letters were strewn across the floor, some ripped to shreds already, and Sarah felt her heart drop.

“What did I say?” Her mother’s bleary eyes focused on her angrily, “Why do you think you can disobey me like this?”

“Mom, please-”

“No, Sarah,” the letter she had in her hands was tossed at her feet, “I don’t need any excuses. You think you own this house and my rules don’t matter? You’re planning to leave me, aren’t you? You’re going to run away to that little bitch and leave me. Just like your father did.”

Sarah was already crying, shaking with panic because it was all too much. Her letters were almost all destroyed, her mother’s anger palpable. It didn’t matter that Sarah knew she was drunk, it didn’t matter that her brain was telling her she was being manipulative and gaslighting her again. Her words stung regardless, the weight of everything crashing down on her. Sarah couldn’t breathe, was already flinching away from the woman who was supposed to love her unconditionally. Her brain was screaming at her to run but all she could do was sob out apologies because fleeing wasn’t an option.

“You’re just as bad as he is, as bad as all of them. You all want to hurt me, after all I’ve done for you? How ungrateful are you, Sarah Reese? Do you even love your mother?”

The fighting went on for what felt like hours. Sarah was beyond terrified, panic overrunning her system as she took every insult and lie her mother threw at her. She watched as she ripped up the remaining letters, tipped Sarah’s backpack upside down and found the one she hadn't even had a chance to read yet. She followed after her begging as she took the scraps of paper to the woodstove in their old kitchen, trying to reason with her even though there was no point. Her mother just sneered at her as she tossed the papers into the fire, shoving them under the burning kindling with the poker.

“Your phone and laptop are mine,” her words were hissed out, “You don’t leave this house for anything but school. That friend of yours who helped you send those disgusting letters? You will never speak to her again, you hear me?”

“Mom,” Sarah sobbed, “Don’t do this to me.”

“Sarah, I’m trying to help you. You don’t need them, none of them are your friends; they will only hurt you. That little Ava bitch doesn’t love you. No one loves you but me, baby; they all lie.”

Sarah’s stomach turned at that, wanting to throw up and scream at the same time. She shook her head fiercely, Ava did love her. She did, she told Sarah so.

“Mom, I love her,” she whispered brokenly, “Please. This isn’t me trying to hurt you. I love her and she says she loves me too.”

“Baby, no. You’re sick; this isn’t okay. You may think this gay thing is normal and okay but it’s not. It’s ruining my little girl and I won’t stand for it. You will stay here with me and that is final, you understand?”

The pet names were said in a sickeningly sweet way and Sarah knew she would never win in this argument. Her mother’s word was law and Sarah had to accept that. She would have to obey or she would get sent to yet another summer camp trying to brainwash her into liking men. The mood change was evidently another manipulation tactic, to make Sarah believe her mother was the only one who did love her. The cutting her off from everyone was one too, it was the same reason Sarah wasn’t allowed to have a job. She had to be completely dependent on her mother; that way she could never run away. It was horrible, made Sarah feel like a prisoner in her own home, but at the same time she was used to it. She couldn’t breathe, didn’t know how she would cope with this anymore.

“Go to your room, Sarah. We’re not speaking of this any longer.”

Sarah rushed back to her room, which was still an absolute disaster. Her things were overturned and broken, her clothes torn out of the dresser and her mattress half off the bed frame. All she could do was sob as she collapsed onto the floor, shaking like a leaf. She didn’t know how to calm down, didn’t know what would happen now. She needed Ava, she needed to hear her voice. Her brain was overrun with her mother’s words, the claim that Ava would never love her and that Sarah’s love was in some way disgusting. She just needed to hear her say it out loud, to promise that she did care about Sarah and her mother was lying.

It was all lies; everything was a lie. Sarah didn’t know what to believe anymore. All she knew was she was suffocating and she couldn’t live like this anymore; not without the girl she loved.

#HI THIS IS SAD IM SORRY #this is what happens when you’re the daughter of a narcissist #Sarah can have some more trauma... as a treat <3 #anyway... this sucks but whatever it’s one in the morning hsjskdk #my aus #my-writing #ava bekker #sarah reese #reesker #teen!ava #teen!sarah #teen!au #a chance meeting (twice over)#nosdecember #userglow #mutuals #neworleansspecial

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tonotbelionized · 5 years ago

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RWBY’s Handlement of Abuse

Abuse isn’t a topic that’s anything new in media, it’s been handled over decades in many different ways; some done very well and others... not so well. RWBY is one of the many shows that attempts to handle this controversial topic, and goes deep into how it not only affects the victims of the abuse, but also deals with different types.

Physical, Emotional, Mental, even less known ones such as financial abuse, this show actually handles many attempts with clear care and the writers do seem to do their research in this. In my opinion, this research and trying to find out more about this sensitive topic is shown very clearly. I don’t like talking about myself much, but as a victim of abuse myself, I hold this topic very dear to my heart and feel more strongly when it’s written compared to other topics.

So, with that in mind, I’d like to look at the different abusive relationships we have so far in RWBY, and to see how well they hold up in both writing and how they’re seen so in the FNDM itself.

Adam & Blake

Now, one of the most well known abusive relationships in RWBY is the one between Adam and Blake. It’s been given the most screen time, thought, and it has the bonus of having happened to one of our four protagonists. There is no denying that the relationship between these two characters is an extremely toxic one, and it’s a relationship that has heavily impacted on both Blake and the FNDM as well.

Even before their confrontation at the end of Volume 3, Blake clearly shows the behaviour and the mentality of an abuse victim. She doesn’t see Adam as this monster, and whenever he’s mentioned by her during this time, she actually uses non-threatening or derogatory words such as referring to him as her partner or that he changed. She never outright talks about what it was exactly that Adam did to her or how he changed. In fact, the closest we had was after Yang was disqualified from the tournament where she explains why she’s afraid to just trust Yang again.

Blake’s journey of learning to live with her trauma and move away from the past is nicely written and I like the fact that it isn’t a straight path to progress. Blake stumbles, she fails and she gets back up again, something that’s great because that’s what most recovery progress is like. The culmination of her proving she’s no longer afraid of Adam at the end of Volume 5 felt earned compared to her reaction to seeing him again before, and it’s a solid moment of Blake doing this with Sun, a friend, rather than carrying on what she was doing before with pushing everything away.

While I’m not a big fan of her letting Adam go at the end of it, given that it just felt like she was letting a terrorist and extremely dangerous person escape just so he knew what it was like to run away, that doesn’t diminish how powerful that moment is for Blake’s character and her whole relationship with Adam. Adam’s short and Blake opening up more in Volume 6 shows use how far the abuse went.

Adam wasn’t afraid to emotionally manipulate and gaslight Blake when he felt she was questioning him too much. He’s emotionally shackled himself to her and clearly won’t let anything take Blake away from him, so when she finally leaves him behind, he believes that it’s her fault that he’s hurting and is unable to see how irrational that line of thinking is. He isn’t willing to take responsibility for what he did, and this carries on to where he would rather kill Blake than let her go again, even dragging Yang into it.

It’s really telling that Adam goes as far as to reject the chance to leave twice. Both Blake and Yang have matured enough to try and push Adam to leave them alone and to move on with his life, but he’s unable to comprehend doing so mentally. That emotional attachment to Blake is still there, and ultimately he died rather than break that bond. It was a cathartic moment for Blake to truly be free of Adam, and the fact that she breaks down rather than be triumphant feels like such a realistic moment because an abuse victim doesn’t just hate their abuser even when they leave.

Getting those moments that were great with your abuser out of your head is incredibly difficult, and it’s clear that even with Adam gone, the damage that he did to Blake’s mental state is plain to see, especially since she blames herself for the plan going wrong on the ship. She’s so used to it being her fault that she can’t comprehend when it isn’t, because to an abuse victim everything is their fault.

Raven & Yang

Abandonment and emotional abuse go hand in hand, and I’d like to add that while Raven’s abandonment of Yang is a more typical style we are used to in media, where the person ups and leaves to never return, there is another type of abandonment; a series of temporary abandonment where the abuser returns again, only to up and leave when things don’t go as they want.

The abusive relationship between Yang and Raven is just as impactful as the abuse Blake suffered under Adam, and yet I feel that it’s weirdly brushed off by some people in the FNDM as well as not being given much prevalence when Yang finally confronts Raven, both when she met Raven at the bandit camp and in Haven’s vault.

I don’t like that Yang calls Raven “Mom”, because Raven is not Yang’s mother. She left when her daughter was just born and never did anything to raise her, which is what a parent is. It’s easy to have a baby, but if you don’t put in the effort to actually raise that child in a healthy way, then you are not a parent. On top of that, when Yang finally finds Raven again, she’s very emotionally manipulative of her daughter.

She constantly praises and is open to Yang when it suits her, but as soon as Yang makes it clear that she only wants to find Ruby, not spend time with her, Raven instantly becomes closed off and cold, making comments on that family only visits her when they want something. Not only is this classical emotional abuse, as she’s treating Yang well only when she believes Yang deserves it. Put plainly, Yang is treated nicely when she does what Raven likes. It’s also very hypocritical given how little Raven actually cares about her actual family.

Then the argument in vault further solidifies this. Raven isn’t above calling her mentally ill daughter a scared little girl when Yang starts shaking from her PTSD. She constantly tries to excuse her behaviour, albeit poorly, and Yang rightfully calls her out for not only calling herself strong while showing the exact opposite, but that she killed the previous Spring Maiden to take her powers while also calling herself merciful for doing so. It just paints Raven with a victim complex, that she had a hard life and survived it so her actions are justified.

The main problem that I have with this that I don’t have with Adam and Blake’s relationship, is that there’s no real ending to the fact that Raven abandoned Yang and left her daughter with crippling abandonment issues. Yang starts to touch on this when she asked Raven why she left her and her family in the bandit camp, but Raven deflected the question and it’s never brought up again during this time.

Their only confrontation after is in the vault, but as I mentioned before, Yang didn’t even try to find out why Raven left her. This was the one thing she wanted to find out, something that was built up in her talk with Blake in Volume 2, but instead they talk about the Spring Maiden and then Yang takes the lamp after calling Raven out for calling herself strong. No mention of how her leaving Yang affected her daughter, or even Yang trying to find out why.

The final thing with this is just how selfish Raven is. She willingly lets Yang take the relic despite knowing that Salem would go after her, rather than just closing the vault and leaving. That’s a choice. No one needed to take the relic because no one knew that Raven was the Spring Maiden. The only person who knew otherwise was Cinder, and she was believed to be dead at that moment. The fact that she cried for a few seconds seems to be enough for some fans to say that she obviously cared when Raven hadn’t shown any of that before.

She purposely manipulated Yang, she abandoned her family, she wanted the villains to kill her brother and lets Cinder throw a fireball at Ruby (Yang’s sister and her teammates daughter), and she shows no remorse for this until that one moment. That’s not good enough, and I certainly hope that Yang gets at least some closure in the upcoming volumes.

Jacques & Winter, Weiss and Whitley

The interesting thing about Jacques’ abuse on his children, and his wife, is that it’s one of the few abusive relationships that we see have a different effect on each one of his victims.

First one and the one I actually have least to say about is Willow, but it seems that his abuse of her has the biggest impact because of how much it affects their children. It’s pretty clear that their marriage was very much toxic, but not so much that she would’ve suspected that Jacques didn’t actually love her given Willow’s severe reaction and decline mentally when he confessed that he only married her for her name.

This beating down of his wife’s mental state and driving her to alcoholism has the negative effect on the children because they no longer have that maternal figure in their life anymore. Willow was a caring mother; she attended Weiss’ recitals, she cared enough to throw them birthday parties and was angry when Jacques was late to Weiss’ tenth birthday, but after that she just stopped caring.

His behaviour with his children is that of a typical narcissist, and that it seems to have an effect on each Schnee child differently. It very much relies on dividing the siblings, playing on the typical golden child vs black sheep, and even then the term golden child is used loosely given how easily they can lose that title if they even step a toe out of line. With that mentality, Winter, Weiss and Whitley have that source of comfort and strength with standing together taken away.

Not only that, but a majority of his abuse comes from that narcissist behaviour. To Jacques, his children aren’t people with their own dreams and feelings and wants, their physical extensions of himself that he can control, befitting that of stocks to a business owner.

Let’s start with Winter. We can pretty much infer that what happened to Weiss had happened to Winter given what she says in Volume 3, that she went through something similar when she left to join the army. Winter leaving home to join the army is a direct comparison to the story of an abused child leaving the household to join the military as a way of escaping that trauma, and even then Winter is not completely free from Jacques because she has to keep contact with him.

It’s likely that moment of freedom she granted herself by joining the army was taken as an affront to Jacques’ power and control over her, he can no longer tell Winter what to do because she doesn’t live with him or rely on him for shelter, so he’s going to do the next best thing he can. He cuts Winter off from her money. It’s a fantastic representation of financial abuse that also affects Weiss in Volume 3, and shows how far Jacques is willing to go just to prove that Winter ultimately can’t escape him so long as she is in Atlas, which she remains due to her work.

The effect this has on Winter is very open and clear. Winter has pretty much thrown herself into her work and professionalism, to the point where, while it’s obvious she deeply cares for Weiss and had been looking out for her sister since they were children, she cannot let herself be free and open with her feelings. To Winter, her place in the military is home because it’s given her that chance for freedom away from her abusive household, away from Jacques. If that’s threatened or insulted, such as her fight with Qrow because he called Ironwood and the Atlas military “sellouts”, she will take it personally and lose her temper because she owes everything to Ironwood and the military.

Weiss is the one with the most affected character because of her status as one of the protagonist. Taking into account all of the material surrounding her backstory, Weiss, like Winter, was treated more as an object or commodity by Jacques, something that he could force to do whatever he pleased. It’s shown in the Mirror Mirror manga where he pushed her to sing at concerts at a young age, even to the point where Weiss was exhausted. When Winter stepped in and told Weiss to rest, Jacques took that as a slight against him and berated Winter viciously, lecturing her on upholding the Schnee name. He cares more about the name than his daughter’s health.

Even in her debut trailer,Weiss had to fight and be disfigured before Jacques allowed her to go to Beacon instead of Atlas. The permanent reminder of that constantly on her face. Even when Weiss finally managed to get to Beacon, Jacques constantly rang hr in an attempt to keep in touch with her, trying to uphold that small amount of power he had with Weiss in another continent. Trying to leave an abuser is incredibly difficult if you still have contact with them, even if it’s something as small as phone calls.

When she didn’t do what he wanted and answer his calls, that same financial abuse that Winter was subjected to happened again, and it’s obviously embarrassing to Weiss that she can’t even afford a meal now and has to rely on friends. That attempt to isolate her through embarrassment is just another effect from Jacques’ decision to cut Weiss off. When she becomes more rebellious and mouths back to him, as well as calling everyone out at the party in Volume 4, Jacques couldn’t handle this kind of rebellion like a narcissist would.

To him, Weiss is being unreasonable and he had given her everything she could ever want, so at this point he would simply take it all away. He can’t handle shame and seems to hold the Schnee name up, despite marrying into it, and when Weiss points this out he finally delves into physical abuse by slapping her. Given her shocked reaction to this, I don’t think she expected him to hit her, pointing that Jacques usually went for more emotional manipulation to keep them in line.

Finally, his abuse of Whitley has pushed his son in the complete opposite direction to his sister. As the youngest and unable to leave through the same way his siblings did, either joining the Academy or the military, Whitley spent his time in the manor with Jacques completely alone and isolated. So, in a desperate attempt to handle this pressure, he’s simply buckled under Jacques’ thumb and does whatever he can to appease his father, just because he’s seen what happens if he rebels like Weiss and Winter did.

Another note is that Whitley was 5/6 when Jacques’ true reasons for marrying Willow came out. After that Willow stopped being much of a part in her children’s lives, so much so that she’s constantly sitting in the gardens getting drunk. Because of that young age, Whitley never had any solid memories of a time where Willow was a more active and caring mother, unlike Winter and Weiss. While it can hurt to remember how someone used to be when they’ve fallen so far, they at least have those memories to hold onto. Whitley doesn’t, and that likely adds more into his isolation.

It seems however, that to a worryingly large amount of the FNDM, that Whitley’s abuse is swept under the rug and not talked about as much as Weiss and Winter’s, some even making him out to be the villain. The only thing that Whitley is guilty of is his poor attitude, and that alone doesn’t constitute to him being a villain or needing redemption. He wasn’t responsible for Weiss being disinherited, and his words to Weiss afterwards just tells us how much Jacques is getting to him.

If he doesn’t go against his father, he’s rewarded, but if he behaves like Weiss and Winter, then he too will be punished. An abuse victim still trapped in their home will do whatever they can to survive, and unfortunately for Weiss, Whitley doesn’t have the same escape options that she does or the connections outside of the family.

Marcus & Mercury

There isn’t any onscreen time where we witness this abuse firsthand, but the effects of Marcus’ brutal treatment on Mercury is prevalent even after he killed his father. Mercury has been impacted severely both emotionally and physically.

Having been installed to be an unfeeling assassin by Marcus, showing any sort of emotional vulnerability is impossible for Mercury, and the one time he does talk about the things he went through to Emerald, he does so in his own way and reacts very badly when Tyrian reveals to be listening in to his troubled past. Even going to the point where he tries to attack Tyrian because he wasn’t taught how to handle his emotions in a healthy way.

He shows little sympathy for Emerald’s confusion and fear over not knowing what is right, but that’s not to say that Mercury doesn’t care at all. It’s likely that Marcus’ told him that, as well as relying on his semblance, feeling normal emotions like fear, empathy and love is weakness, and even likely beaten it out of Mercury. This leads a very emotionally disturbed teenager.

Now with the physical part we get some very disturbing reminders of what Mercury went through with his father. The first thing is that the fight between them ended up costing Mercury his legs, forcing him to wear prosthetics. That’s a very much blatant reminder of how far Marcus went, and not only will Mercury have to wear prosthetics for the rest of his life, but the pain both physically and mentally from the action will always stick with him.

The second part is even worse. Marcus practically took Mercury’s semblance, something that’s considered the very essence by the characters in RWBY, and Mercury canonically sees this as his father defiling him. Mercury is constantly reminded that he will never get his semblance back, unlike Jaune and Roman who simply didn’t unlock theirs, and pushed him to work harder than anyone else to get where he is. Both of these physical injuries serves to tell the audience just how much Marcus’ abuse of Mercury not only remain, but stick to him as well.

Cinder & Emerald

Similar to Jacques with his children, Cinder is shown to not really care about Emerald outside of her Semblance, in fact only taking Emerald into the group because she was useful to Cinder’s plan. She plays on Emerald’s past as a street orphan by promising companionship and never having to go hungry again, something that Emerald desperately craved.

The main aspect to this relationship that makes it interesting is that, as of this time, it’s still an abusive relationship that the victim is in and wants to stay in. Emerald deeply cares about Cinder, and going off Mercury’s observation, sees her as the mother figure she never had. This devotion Emerald has runs so deep that she doesn’t ever question how Cinder treats her and reacts violently when Mercury straight up tells her that Cinder doesn’t care about either of them.

It’s at the point where Emerald doesn’t even consider her relationship with Cinder toxic. Everyone else knows that their relationship with their abuser in question was at least not good, even Blake in the early volumes because she knew that she had to get away from him despite her still coming to terms with it all. Emerald, however, is portrayed as the victim that doesn’t even think of themselves as a victim.

It reminds me of a video I watched recently. Here’s the link for anyone to watch, but it basically explains the type of abuse that doesn’t actually get shown all that much in media. Most abusive relationships portrayed have the abuser as a sadistic villain who abuses their victim because it brings them joy, and the victim knows that they’re being abused but are too scared to leave. It can be how the relationship is towards the end, but hardly any abusive relationship in real life are like that.

Cinder doesn’t accept any rebellion from Emerald. Like Jacques, she slaps Emerald and tells her to remember her place when she simply told Cinder that they didn’t need Mercury. To her, anything that Emerald says that isn’t her submissively accepting Cinder’s rule is something that needs to be snuffed out, even with physical abuse if needed.

While Mercury works for Cinder as well, this abusive relationship doesn’t affect him like it does Emerald, mostly because he isn’t in a delusioned mindset where he believes Cinder actually cares and he doesn’t need anything that Cinder can give to him. Their relationship seems strictly professional, Cinder needed an assassin and Mercury had the skills to do the job, as well as his underlying fear of what’s beyond his life that was forced on him. To Mercury, there is no need of approval or companionship from Cinder that Emerald wants.

Salem & Ozpin

This is the relationship that mirrors so much to the abusive relationship between Adam and Blake, and yet it weirdly doesn’t get much screen time pointing out how toxic it was, rather spending time portraying Salem’s backstory and Start to Darkness. Seeing how Ozpin was treated by his wife is pretty much ignored not only by the cast but also the FNDM, with some people even going as far as to deny that it was even abusive to begin with.

Even before she threw herself into the Grimm pools, Salem was not a good person. After Ozma died, she went to demand that the Gods brought him back, not thinking for a moment about what Ozma himself wanted, and when the Gods constantly brought him back to life and killed him over and over again, Salem is not angry at that. She only fights against them when the God of Darkness took Ozma away from her again, demanding that they give him back. It shows Salem to actually be pretty selfish and unable to comprehend that what she wants may not be what’s actually best.

The good thing about this is that the story explains why Salem is like that. She’s not selfish to be selfish, she was sheltered away in a tower for all her life and as a result, was never taught proper coping mechanisms when she inevitably faces death, loss and grief. Not only that, the Gods’ behaviour towards her did not help matters. Rather than actually caring that she was hurting and help Salem, they treated her very much like a child throwing a tantrum and punished her in the cruelest way they could.

The thing is that this selfishness carries on after she and Ozma reunite. She canonically manipulated Ozma into acting like gods to lord over the new humanity, and when he started showing doubt she turned the blame on him by saying that he wanted it. Even when Ozma, who is derailed by the show and fans for keeping secrets, comes completely clean to Salem, she does not extend that courtesy and keeps what happened with the Gods a secret from him.

Eventually, when Ozma no longer wants to be a part of her plan or let her use their daughters to remake the world in her image, she attacks him and kills their own children. Salem shows no remorse for this, she knew that her children were there long before she attacks and she does so anyway. This just shows how little she cares about her own husband and children if they don’t toe the line with her. It even extends to her blaming Ozma for the fighting by telling him that they finally had freedom, seemingly holding resentment that Ozma didn’t want to be with her. After that, she burns Ozma alive.

The whole war between her and Ozma, even to her admission, is her want to watch everything that Ozma worked for burned to the ground. The only thing fueling Salem at this point is spite, just like what was fueling Adam after Blake left him and the White Fang. To her, Ozma has thrown away everything she worked hard for and that selfishness and inability to comprehend others’ viewpoints come into play.

Over the thousands of years after that fight, she does everything in her power to further terrorize Ozma. She turns his allies against him, she has her minions destroy his school and kill his Huntsmen, and in her song Divide, it’s basically a song gaslighting Ozma with Salem blaming him for everyone dying and saying that their blood is on his hands. There is no difference between that and Adam’s line “Why must you hurt me, Blake?” after he dismembered Yang. It’s classical abusive move of having the victim blame themselves for things that weren’t their fault.

Just like Blake, Ozpin is clearly affected by this abuse under Salem. He can no longer trust people, and he even goes as far as to blame himself for everything that goes wrong even when it’s not his fault, just like Blake does. He has such a low view of himself that he admits he’s made more mistakes than any man, woman or child on the planet, and the show at this point hasn’t had Ozma begin to talk to anyone about this even after Team RWBY saw what his life with Salem was like.

I certainly hope he gets the support he desperately needs in the upcoming volumes, because the writing regarding everyone dealing with this knowledge is questionable at the moment.

Salem & her followers

Just like with Ozma, Salem is canonically manipulative with both the show supporting this and the writers in the Volume 6 commentary. She is especially harsh with Cinder and Tyrian, given that she spends the most time with them in Volume 4 especially, and you can see how differently the two react when around her.

Tyrian is utterly devoted to Salem, putting her up on a pedestal as a goddess, and Salem isn’t afraid to use this devotion against him in cruel ways. She dangles hope in front of him when contemplating over his failure in capturing Ruby, even though he stung Qrow who was by rights and purposes, going to die. However, when Tyrian seems more hopeful that he’s pleased her, Salem snatches that glimmer away and leaves him to have a mental breakdown.

Cinder on the other hand is completely quiet, and even when she can talk again, doesn’t have her attitude from the volumes before. When Salem snaps at her while training, Cinder visibly cringes. It’s pretty clear from her character and mentality that Cinder was someone who was so devalued and powerless in the past that she is willing to do anything not to be put in that situation again, even put up with Salem’s treatment of her.

Just like Salem, Cinder had become a victim of the cycle of abuse, and while Salem is no longer a victim, Cinder has swapped one likely abusive situation for another one. It even carries on into Volume 6, where Salem treats Cinder being outcasted from the group like a child being put in time out. It’s very infantalising and mentally damaging to Cinder, but Salem seems to treat it as adequate punishment for Cinder failing her. No matter what one feels about Cinder, no one deserves to be abused.

Despite their less screen time together, Salem’s behaviour even extends to the other members of her group. She physically assaults Hazel after the failure at Haven for simply accepting the blame, and shows little care for Tyrian getting caught by the table when she threw it. Given that the writers confirmed that she has a different way to getting to each member to do what she wants, and we’ve seen that she uses Tyrian’s devotion against him, it’s not a big stretch to assume she uses more physical means when Hazel eventually does cross her.

Her way of getting to Emerald is even through fear. She’s made Emerald so afraid of what she could do to her that even just asking has Emerald quickly giving up someone she cares about deeply, and that kind of emotional manipulation is a classic abuser tactic.

Blake & Sun

Now this one has raised probably the most controversy in the FNDM, and I can see why. No, the relationship between Sun and Blake is not inherently abusive, nor is it any way evidence that Blake is an abuser on level with anyone else that is mentioned in this post. She’s not malicious or hurting Sun because of some slight against her, even though that’s not the only type of abuser and we’ll go into further detail in a moment.

The problem is that her behaviour towards Sun during Volume 4 is abusive, and it’s the worst written abuse in the entire show in my opinion.

The main thing that makes me say that is I’m not even sure if the writers intended to make these moments in Volume 4 abusive, but whether they intended for it or not doesn’t negate the fact that these scenes very much read that way, and it makes me uncomfortable to watch through even to this day. It’s not even just one fight where things got so heated that Blake lashed out, it happened multiple times over the course of the volume.

The first time is the boat. Sun was in the wrong for following after Blake like he did while she was still reeling from her trauma at Beacon, but that did not mean she was in the right to slap him across the face and then slap his hand away later on in the boat. She wasn’t in danger, Sun wasn’t threatening her and they weren’t even arguing, Sun was happy that they just survived a Grimm attack. Blake had a right to feel scared and angry that Sun basically followed her without her knowing, but that does not give her the right to lay her hands on him.

The show does this worse by playing it off as comedy. RWBY has a problem with playing some scenes for comedy when the exact same thing happening to a different character is framed as dramatic. Most slapstick comedy is scenes like Ruby and Yang fighting in the room in Volume 1 just before their exam, or Winter smacking Weiss on the head because she was rambling about things that she didn’t ask about. Blake hitting Sun here is not slapstick, but it’s played as such and that makes me very uncomfortable.

The next one is probably the worst offender of the bunch; the argument on the balcony. Once again, Sun was in the wrong for intruding on an intimate moment between Blake and her father, someone she hadn’t talked to in five years and thought that he hated her, but it wasn’t any malicious reason for Sun doing it. He had information about the White Fang that was urgent for Blake to know, because as he said, the White Fang would still go for her even if she didn’t go after them.

Should he have waited? Yep. Does that mean Blake was in the right for slapping him in the face twice? Nope.

On top of that, she goes one step further and breaks his phone when he tries to show her a photo of the White Fang member he found in Menagerie. She threw it off the balcony.

And the last scene is when Sun wakes up from being unconscious. He almost died, and yet Blake sits there and immediately goes on about herself and why she constantly runs away. It’s not bad for her to explain to Sun why she ran away, but the problem is that she doesn’t even bother to ask him if he was alright or at least tell him where he was before going into her rant about her friends getting hurt about her. The other problem is that we already know why she ran away, it’s all she ever talks about. She ran away so that her friends wouldn’t get hurt, she ran away because she believes it’s better to be alone, she ran away to think for a while after the Fall of Beacon.

Her whole speech in this scene gives us no new information and comes at the cost of portraying Blake as a very unsympathetic person. Even when Sun tries to comfort her despite being injured, she tells him to shut up and shouts at him. She towers over him aggressively with her hands balled up into fists, and you can clearly see Sun flinches now because Blake has made it clear to him that when she’s upset or angry she hits him.

And just like Salem, Blake’s behaviour makes sense. She’s stressed and scared and likely feels just as alone as she did when she first left the White Fang and Adam, only now she knows that Adam is explicitly coming after her and everyone she loves. Her past abuse at a young age means that Blake likely doesn’t understand how to healthily deal with negative emotions while in a relationship, something that Miles pointed out.

And even then, Blake is not inherently abusive. Her behaviour in Volume 5 has her and Sun’s relationship much more mutually respected and healthy. Even when she was frustrated she no longer took it out on him, and it’s good to see that after the mess that was Volume 4, but it’s how it’s handled that still bothers me.

Blake never learns that she shouldn’t be treating Sun like that. She’s called out by Sun for pushing her friends out and to let them help, but that’s not pointing out that she’s copying Adam’s own behaviours. It would’ve actually been a good and realistic arc given that it’s called the cycle of abuse for a reason. Blake realizing that she’s doing to Sun what Adam was doing to her and actively making the choice to do better, not having someone just tell her, would have been interesting to watch compared to what we got.

I feel like the FNDM can’t see this as abuse because Blake isn’t like the other abusers that we get in RWBY, and outside of Volume 4 her behaviour is not abusive to anyone. Even then, it’s understandable why she acts that way but that doesn’t mean how she acted can just be swept under the rug by both show and FNDM. It’s an ugly part of her character that should be acknowledged, and just because it happened doesn’t make her this evil being. Abusers can learn, and they can most certainly change, and that’s what Blake did.

I just wish the writers did it better.

So that’s it for all the abusers and their writing in RWBY. Overall? The writers certainly can handle this topic with the care and dedication it needs, and I’m actually happy with what we were given. Unfortunately, the ones that they did stumble one are pretty egregious and just leave me with a bitter taste in my mouth regarding those characters.

All I have to say is that abuse can come from different sources, and that media could do well with showing this difference. Abusers are often portrayed as one-dimensional bullies that torture their victims for laughs, while this is far from the truth and leaves people with a twisted version of what an abuser is, but I don’t think RWBY does that. Even when they stumble, they’ve written characters out to be just that; characters. Although we have more stereotypical abusers like Jacques, we also have those who come from pretty sympathetic backstories, even though we know that it doesn’t excuse their actions, such as Adam and Salem.

And really that’s the message I hope people do learn and use it to protect themselves with. You are hardly ever going to find someone who is so obviously an abuser; what makes them so terrifying is just how human they can be, and that sometimes they even have this twisted sense of love and reasoning over abusing their victims. Rarely it’ll be for sadistic reasons, but rather that they’re protecting their loved ones or that because they help in the victim’s dreams or goals that it makes their treatment of the victim okay, but it never is.

No one deserves to be hit, or made to feel like trash, or have their possessions broken. Everyone deserves love and companionship. Either way, thank you all for reading!

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khataabehangel · 4 years ago

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yasser aldurra

If you are reading this, it is because you searched the name, “Yasser Aldurra” in order to get to know him better. You want to dig up some dirt on him to see if he’s really the “good guy” that he claims to be. I am here to tell you, that if he asks for you, stay the hell away from him at all costs.

If you are here because you are searching for him as a doctor, I don’t know anything about that. I have no idea how he is as a physician. This post is strictly about him as a romantic partner. You won't find any reviews for him here so move along; this isn't for you.

For everyone else who is here because he asked for you for marriage... let me introduce myself. I am someone that met him for just a few days. We spoke to each other with the intention to get married. I have never bashed anyone after getting to know them, but he is such a liar and a bad person, that I felt like it is my duty to warn girls about him. Most of this stuff I picked up on because he never shuts up and he accidentally revealed too much about himself without realizing it. The rest I found out after things ended between us. When I first met him, I really thought that he was perfect, and I couldn't find anything wrong with him. Let’s just say that I was very wrong about that....

Here are some takeaway points if you don’t want to read this entire post:

he has actual narcissistic personality disorder and ALL the characteristics associated with that disorder

He’s insanely cheap and has lied about how much he makes (even if you don’t ask)

he’s a liar

everything he tells you is a lie.even things that don’t seem like lies, are lies. don’t believe anything he says. he twists the truth and gives half-truths to make things seem more plausible and believable even though they are lies.

HE NEVER SHUTS UP. HE TALKS SO MUCH AND HE’LL NEVER LET YOU GET A WORD IN

he’s manipulative

his “deen” is so incredibly flawed, and it is not the correct Islam that me and you follow.

he sees women as being inferior to men, and that men should control women and be the person in charge of the relationship. That men have the final say in all matters and that their opinion is more valid than the woman’s.

He’s able to fake being a certain way until he gets comfortable enough to reveal his true self that he hides behind his façade

he has no friends.

HES A GUY WITH NO FRIENDS. HOW MANY GUYS DO YOU KNOW THAT DONT HAVE ANY FRIENDS?! I don’t freaking know any! he’s so intolerable that even guys don’t like being around him.

has no social skills

easily offended by EVERYTHING

his ego is as fragile as glasshe does not fight fair. if he gets hurt by something that you said, even if it was unintentional, he will say something exponentially more hurtful back to you as a defense mechanism. it’s not healthy.

he will never answer your questions directly.

he will rush you to get married. he’ll use his age as the reason, but it’s really so that he traps you before you realize how trash he actually is.

he doesn't understand how to pace a relationship and will talk to you as if you've been together for years even if it’s just been a few days. He will rush you to move things forward even though you just met. When you refuse or say you need more time, he will try to make you feel guilty about it.

He constantly plays the role of the victim

He will try to make you feel sorry for him as a way to constantly control you and make things your fault, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.

He’s ridiculously controlling

he’s disrespectful as hell, and will even be disrespectful to your parents and your family

he doesn't understand boundaries or when to stop doing something, even if you ask him directly.

he is extremely blunt and hurtful

his expectations for marriage are unrealistic and unachievable. the girl he’s looking for doesn't exist in this century

he’s been through some traumatic things in his life that he’s never gotten past and it has heavily influenced how he is today. He needs some serious therapy, but ironically he’ll never get it because he thinks he’s perfect and doesn’t see anything wrong with himself.

he is childish and immature, even at 36 years old.

his mom. he worships her. their relationship is SO weird. he will tell his mom about everything that you have talked about.his mom expects to live with him in the future

even though he lives alone, he never took the time to teach himself how to cook

he cannot care for himself at any capacity and expects other people to do it for him.

He is racist

he has a hard time understanding new things that he is unfamiliar with. even things that are common sense, he struggles with.

he will belittle you and your knowledge, to make himself feel better about not understanding something. He will also go into an insane level of detail about a random topic, and when you change the subject, he goes back to it. If you ask him to move on from it, he won’t

He will control every conversation that you will ever have. He will do it slowly, and you won’t realize it until one day when you get a text from him, and you become disgusted with the idea of talking to him.

He is extremely opinionated, and any opinion that you have that disagrees with his beliefs, he will argue about it with you forever.

He says everything that he is thinking, no matter how inappropriate it is.

He has no filter. Although he lies like crazy about his past and his flaws, he is extremely honest about his expectations and how he wants you to treat him. This normally would be a good thing, except for the fact that he expects to be treated like some sort of god.

he’s insanely judgmental and not understanding. Anything that you share about yourself will somehow get thrown back in your face and used against you.

Gets angry at the stupidest, smallest things and will make things into a bigger deal than they actually need to be

He gets mad very quickly, and he doesn’t forgive or forget easily. You basically have to kiss his ass for him to forgive you for the “thing” that you did “wrong”, which is usually something stupid. He does this as a way to gaslight and control you.He will create issues out of thin air just to control your behavior and how you treat him.

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Yeah......................... you should run for the hills. Do me a favor though and don’t tell him about this post. just say that you are not interested without giving a reason.

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First of all, he is not as religious as he claims to be.

He claims to have memorized a large part of the Quran and he knows countless ahadeeth, but in reality, he only knows enough to quote it out of context to make whatever backwards argument that he is trying to make seem valid. He will use religion as the main source to back up all of his very twisted, and extremely unIslamic beliefs. He also uses it as a shield to defend himself in almost every situation. He also misquotes the ayah in surah an-nissa to convince you that men are supposed to control women, even though that’s not what that ayah means. He bends ayahs and takes them out of context just so he can use a strong source like the Quran to back up his weird, and twisted beliefs that have nothing to do with what the Quran is ACTUALLY saying (because he’s taking things out of context and interpreting them how he likes). Also, he mostly uses this to sell you the idea that he’s “a good guy”. Do not buy it. Do. not. buy. it. it is a lie. People that are actually religious do not do the things that he does or twist Islam to suit them. Islam gives clear instruction to men that they are the CAREGIVERS of woman. They are responsible for taking care of them, for spending on them, and for the other responsibilities that the girl’s parents had before she married that guy. They are not the “controllers” of women. Instead, they should be the leaders in the relationship because they have a bigger responsibility.

Secondly, and more importantly, he is a complete liar and this stems from the fact that he is a narcissist. I do not say this lightly. If you look up the DSM-5 definition of it, he fits the criteria perfectly. What is narcissism?

Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they're not given the special favors or admiration they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships unfulfilling, and others may not enjoy being around them.

Signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder

People with the disorder can:

Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance

Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration

Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it

Exaggerate achievements and talents

Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate

Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people

Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior

Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations

Take advantage of others to get what they want

Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others

Be envious of others and believe others envy them

Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious

Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office

At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism, and they can:

Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special treatment

Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted

React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior

Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior

Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change

Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection

Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation

There’s a lot to unpack here. I know it’s a lot, but if you’re still reading this, it’s probably because 1) you are Yasser (hi!) you are so full of yourself that you googled yourself and got here or 2) you were actually considering moving forward with this guy, but you are now concerned (as you should be).

Let’s start with the inflated sense of their own importance.

He will talk about his achievements for hours if you let him. In general, he never shuts up or gives you the chance to speak. He has exaggerated so many of his achievements. The one most memorable to me was the fact that he claimed to have “two board certifications, and two specialties”. like... okay.... most doctors who have a specialty also are board certified in internal medicine... you're not special. He talks so much about how “hard” he worked to get to where he is today as if the people around him are just sitting on their asses doing nothing. He bragged forever about all the places that offered him a fellowship.. which ironically were only a handful. I did not feel like he was being honest about his job offers at all. and if he was, then he’s a complete dumbass for turning them down because the offer he ended up choosing was apparently a lot worse, according to him. so, he’s either a liar, or a dumbass... or both.

on that note: he would frequently bring up the topic of money and he overemphasized how “little” money he makes. Apparently, this is because he did not want people to take advantage of him, including the person he’s getting to know for freaking marriage. any idiot on the street will tell you that a doctor in this country, that has a specialty, and is working in a private practice makes well over $250-$350k MINIMUM. He kept saying how little money he made even though I never asked him about it or even mentioned it. Everything that he told me regarding the topic of money revolved around an idea from the Quran that is taken completely out of context: “a person who overspends is the friend of the devil” (misquoting the Quran and failing to mention the next ayah on how God does not like people who are excessively stingy).

He set an exact budget on how much money he thinks is okay to spend on certain items like cars, shoes, shirts, electronics, and even things like the heating bill. He made it clear which stores he likes to shop at (they were stores like kohl's and jc penny). It’s fine to have a budget and be smart with your money. But it’s not fine to ask the girl that you are getting to know how many shoes she owns, what stores she buys her clothes from, and then blatantly tell her that the places she shops are “too expensive” for him and that she can get clothes from Kohl’s and JC Penny like him. She can shop wherever the hell she wants to shop and spend however much she wants to spend. She didn’t get those things by using your wallet. You are just getting to know each other. Chill the fuck out. Just because he has a specific budget for how much he thinks it’s okay to spend on things, we weren’t even together, and he was already controlling and judging me for my spending habits. And just to be clear, I don’t even shop frequently, or at stores that are absurdly overpriced. To hide the fact that he is so cheap, he then said “I don’t want you to think that I’m cheap. I donate a lot of my money to people in need.” A person who is not cheap doesn't need to say that they are not cheap.

For someone who speaks so highly of his achievements and success, it’s surprising that he constantly talks about how poor he is and how little money he spends.

I think we should talk about his biggest lie: what occurred in his past relationship.

Everything that he says is a lie, or some sort of twisted version of the truth. When I met him, he told me that he was divorced, which is true. But he made out his ex to be the shittiest person imaginable. He claimed that she was a “narcissist” (wow, projecting much?!). He also told me that he was the one who decided to end things with her, and that he “tried so hard to make it work but she was just very stubborn, controlling, and made him fear being around her.” He “didn’t feel safe around her.” When I asked him to clarify what he meant by that, he didn’t elaborate. It sounded like he was taking the words of his ex and using them to play the victim.

she apparently also wasn't there for him emotionally (which is imo impossible because he’s soooooooo goddamn needy, I can’t even imagine anyone even being able to fulfill this to be honest). He said that she didn’t pray, and he somehow didn’t pick up on this during their engagement!?! what a lie. whenever he would mention his engagement with her and all the “red flags” that he missed, he would always say, “I only blame myself, I’m dumb” trying to play the victim. worst of all.... he said that they were together only 6 months. Later on, I found out that they were together for TWO YEARS. I don’t know how the hell she managed to stay with his needy, controlling ass for 2 years, but may God reward her for what she endured. I couldn’t talk to him for more than a few days, I can’t imagine being with him for a few years. He bragged about how he paid her whatever was left of her mahr (dowry) and the class that she took when they ended things. He made it seem like his ex came from a very humble and simple family that was not very well-off financially, and that her dowry was A LOT.

I also found out that he was CRAZY controlling. His ex was apparently a super white and beautiful blonde. If they were in public and her sleeve came up a little to reveal her wrist, he would lose his shit. He was unbelievably jealous.

When they were signing the papers to get married, her parents, (who I found out later from someone.. are actually insanely well-off because her dad is a successful af businessman), didn’t ask for any mahr (dowry) because they trusted that his career as a physician is promising and that he would take care of their daughter. The person writing the papers said that they had to put down a number, because Islamically, it is the right of the girl to receive a gift from her new husband. So, someone in the room suggested $5,000. Not only did he agree to this ridiculously low number, but never even offered more when it was suggested. He just accepted it and moved on because he’s so cheap. Just for some perspective, I know that mahr can start anywhere from $10K-$15 and be as high as $50-$100K depending on how well off the guy is. This guy is a freaking doctor which means he makes that in like a week or so... Even as a resident or a fellow, that’s pocket change.

anyway. Her father got her a freaking brand-new Audi as a wedding gift, and her new husband gave her the promise of $5,000 after they get married... LOL.

so, when he was “bragging” about paying off her dowry when they ended things, I really thought it was a huge sum of money. it wasn't.

How he deals with his finances is really none of my business. I only mentioned it here because he would constantly mention it and emphasize that he didn’t want anyone (including his future wife) to take advantage of him. I could care less about how much money he makes because even though I never told him this (mostly because he never shuts up and I never got the chance to tell him about it), I am independently wealthy from a business that I opened up a few years ago. I am completely financially independent from my parents.

Although I never cared about his finances at ALL, it’s important to know that in Islam, a husband MUST spend on his wife. He MUST treat her well. and he MUST care for her and her finances. It’s his duty. Whatever money she makes, belongs to her. And whatever she wants to spend or save, is up to her. She can work full-time and save every penny that she has if she wants, WHILE HE SPENDS ON HER. She doesn't have to give him a cent of the money she makes (unless she wants to). AND even if she is working and she makes her own money HE STILL has to spend on her, and on the things that she needs while she saves her money or spends her money in the way that she wants. In Islam the husband MUST SPEND ON HIS WIFE. AND SHE CAN CHOOSE TO WORK AND SAVE HER MONEY IF SHE WANTS. AND IF SHE DOESN’T WANT TO WORK, SHE HAS THAT OPTION, AND HE STILL HAS TO SPEND ON HER. WHETHER SHE WORKS OR NOT, HE HAS TO SPEND ON HER. anyway. that’s why I mentioned it. I don’t care about it, I just listed it just in case anyone that’s reading this does care about it so that they know what they're getting into. Go back and read the symptoms of narcissism that I included above. It literally mentions that people with this disorder have issues with their money. This has absolutely nothing to do with Islam, and everything to do with him and his condition. He just uses Islam to back up his twisted viewpoints by misquoting things and taking them out of context.

And Islamically, just so you know, God does not like those who are cheap with their wealth. He loves those that are generous with the money that He blessed them with. And He loves those that spend on their families. Those that have wealth and are able to afford more, are expected to spend more on mahr when they get married. THAT’S what the Quran says in surah baqara at the end of the second juz when the topic of marriage, engagement, and divorced are mentioned. So even if he was using Islam as an excuse to protect his money from his wife, he’s literally wrong and it doesn’t say that anywhere. In fact, in a hadith, it is mentioned that if someone’s husband is not spending enough on her and her kids to take care of them, she is allowed to take whatever money she needs from him without his knowledge or his permission.

His past relationship tells you everything you really need to know about him. For example, everything that he complained about his ex, were things that he does. He uses the exact character flaws in him that ended his marriage as being the character flaws that his ex had. For example, he is clearly a narcissist. You can pick up on this up within just a few conversations with him. Yet, he claimed that his wife was a narcissist, and she has all of the negative characteristics of one.

He claimed that she was controlling in the relationship, yet he has extreme controlling behavior. If I didn’t talk to him or give him attention for an entire day because I was at work, he would lose his shit. He would be passive aggressive then progressively more and more aggressive until I asked him what was wrong. Then he would lash out at me as if we’ve been in a relationship for years and I did something majorly wrong, even though I didn’t. Every free moment that I had was apparently to be dedicated only to him. If I wanted to go out and I mentioned that I was leaving my house, he would start a fight just so that I could stay home and “fix” things with him. Let me remind you that I only spoke to him for a few days..... we were not a couple at any capacity, so he had no right to do this. It was extremely manipulative behavior. I was constantly gaslighted by him. I would find myself apologizing to him very frequently, and most of the time I didn’t even know why. Everything that I said to him was offensive, even though it really wasn't. For example, I mentioned the word “FOB” once to describe someone, and he was so offended by it, even though it wasn't directed at him and I didn’t say it in a derogatory manner.

Back to his ex. He claimed that she never prayed and that this was the main cause of him wanting to end things... but the entire time that I was with him, he never mentioned how frequently he prays, even when I asked him about it directly. He claimed to be super religious, but I never saw that in his worship at all (but also, only God knows that so I can’t judge him for that.. I’m just saying what I noticed). He didn’t really make time for extra ibada. Which would be totally fine if he didn’t try so hard to sell himself as being “good and religious.” The entire time we spoke he kept saying how he was religious and how he wanted a religious wife. I also never saw that in his character. I never saw that with how he spoke to and about others. He looked down on everyone that wasn't from the same background as him or had the same education as himself. He was very disrespectful of others. I found that it mostly stems from his ignorance and intolerance of other cultures.

He said some really disturbing things about immigrants coming here and mooching off of the system. That they are basically living off of the taxes that he pays. Even though he is an immigrant himself, he didn’t believe that they deserve the same opportunities and chances that he got. He firmly believed that everything he has now was earned by him, and that he worked hard for it. It never crossed his mind that he was given a chance by people who stood up and fought for those rights and opportunities for immigrants. He always saw himself as someone who was “self-made.” He was extremely oblivious to the fact that he wouldn’t have gotten as far as he did, had it not been for those same opportunities that he didn’t think the other immigrants deserve. He was very arrogant.

His social interactions:

I heard from someone this crazy story about a girl he was getting to know:

He suggested that she and he go out to some restaurant to eat. After they finished dinner, he INSISTED that they get dessert. She said she was full, and she wasn’t interested in getting anything, but he kept insisting over and over until she finally said yes. She chose a brownie or something that she liked. And he didn't freaking order anything. He suggested that they share because she needs to be watching what she eats. Apparently what she chose was too many calories for her or something.

SHE DIDNT EVEN WANT DESSERT IN THE FIRST PLACE. AND WHEN SHE GOT IT YOU TOLD HER IT WAS TOO MANY CALORIES FOR HER!? It boggles my mind how hypocritical he is. Everything he says and does is carefully planned so that he can tear down someone’s self-esteem and self-worth just to make himself seem better. I interpreted this story as him being too cheap to get two desserts. He obviously wanted something, and he wanted to overcompensate for his cheapness by insisting that she gets something so she thinks that he’s doing this out of generosity. This way, he only has to pay for one dessert because he can suggest later that they share it. Also, the fact that she ordered what she wanted makes it seem like she's in control of the situation, but then he gaslights her. In order to get her half of the dessert, he can’t just ask to share. Instead, he uses it as an opportunity to take a jab at her self-esteem so that she questions herself. It’s actually kind of complex for someone as stupid as him. He’s crazy manipulative and controlling like that. It’s the only way he knows how to interact with people, really.

When I asked him about people in his community and the friends he has there, he was EXTREMELY defensive. This was honestly the biggest red flag for me. I asked because if we were to get married, I have to move to where he is, because he refused to move to where I am. I wanted to make sure that there is some sort of community around us that we can interact with. I wanted to know if I could build new friendships and relationships with people there. AND I wanted to know how likable he is, because from everything I saw in the few days that we spoke, he was very intolerable. I wanted to know if it was because he was always like that or if something was going on with him. I think it is a pretty fair way to gauge someone’s general demeanor. Everyone I know has AT LEAST one friend. People that don’t have friends usually don’t for a reason. Either they keep their distance from others, or others have a reason to keep their distance from them. In most cases, it’s a red flag about that person. But in some circumstances, it’s really not that person’s fault and there is nothing specifically wrong with them. So, I had to make sure for myself.

If a guy has no friends, he will automatically expect you to spend all of your time with him. He won't understand or accept you casually going out with the girls or having them come over. Also, in general, guys don’t have as much drama as girls. Even if a guy is a complete scumbag, other guys will find something about him that they like, and they will generally get along. That’s just how guys are. They're all chill with each other, even if they don’t know each other well, or at all.

So, when I asked him this question and he got extremely defensive, I knew something was wrong. He claimed that the guys by him didn’t invite him anywhere because he isn't married. Everyone in his community is apparently married, and according to him, he was outcasted because of his relationship status. ...which doesn't make any sense. I’ve never heard of this being an issue for anyone, guy or girl. At least in my community, single guys and girls all get invited to married-people events. I know this, because I get invited to those events.

Basically, he has no friends. He doesn't even keep in touch with his old roommates or classmates. He doesn't really talk to his sisters either. That’s why this question was so triggering and offensive. Even though it’s not an offensive question at all. “tell me about the community there and your friends.” Literally nothing wrong with it...

He’s a loser. I hate to say this, but he really is.

The only person that he talks to every day is his mom. And to be honest, she's not the best role model for him. That leads me to my next major point.

His mom

She basically made up a very elaborate fabricated story about her and her son and how she hasn't been able to find him a wife for some fake reason. It was a complete sob story told to a rishta auntie so that she can hook him up with some girls. Every part of that story was fake and was told in a specific way to shift blame from the trash that is her son and to also to instill empathy for them. If she got your number, most likely this is how she did it.

The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree. She’s just as much as a liar as her son, if not more. I wouldn't be surprised if she taught him all of the manipulative things that he says and does as well as all the lies that he spews.

That’s not even why I mentioned her. The main issue you need to be concerned about is the fact that he’s in his freaking late thirties and she still has complete control over him. Their relationship is not healthy at all. Because she is the only person that he talks to, he tells her everything. And I really do mean everything, without any exaggeration.

Absolutely nothing off limits for what he shares with her, including private conversations with you. He will share EVERYTHING with his mom, no matter how personal it is and no matter how much you ask him to keep it to himself. and if it is something bad, he will use it against you later on and make you feel bad about it and judge you for it. everything that you have shared about yourself with him in private, he has already told his mom about. They have already discussed it, and they have already made the decision on whether or not they want to blow it out of proportion.

If what you shared about yourself or your life interferes, in anyway, with the plan that they have in mind for him... your issue will be exposed. For example, if you want to wait a year or two before having kids, this interferes with his plan to have kids immediately after marriage. HE WILL NOT TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS DIRECTLY. Instead, he will act like he is 100% okay with it and seem completely supportive of your decision. If you ask if he has a problem with it, he will lie and say no. Then after you hang up, he will call his mom immediately afterward, then tell her everything that you told him. THEN she won't even call your mom to complain... she will first call the rishta auntie that gave them your moms number and ASK ABOUT YOU even if the lady doesn't know you. The thing that you shared with him in private, and he said he was okay with, has now reached two other people without your knowledge. After his mom talks to the rishta auntie and tells her about this “world-ending issue” that has come to light...that lady will tell her that she doesn't even know you well enough to give any advice (about something that’s not her freaking business). then she’ll tell his stupid mom to take it up with your mom. So, within 20 hours of talking to him about a private matter that you both seemingly clearly agreed on... your mom will get a phone call from his complaining about it and how that’s not what he wants.

This “guy” is so emasculated by his mother, that he can’t even stand up for himself. It’s so pathetic. She has to speak on his behalf.

Sometimes it is okay for parents to step in because they handle sensitive situations more delicately and in an eloquent way. But for him, EVERYTHING was a sensitive situation, and he didn’t know how to handle any of it on his own. the worst part is that his mom is a complete bitch. She was SO rude when she was speaking to my mom. She was unnecessarily aggressive in her speech and in her tone. Like if she was at least able to handle things like a normal person, it would've been acceptable. But she was literally this biggest bitch I've ever met. I’ve never had a guy’s mom talk to mine in such rude way. It’s no wonder why he acts like such a baby, why everything offends him, and why he expects everything to go his way all the time. They literally think that just because he’s a doctor, that he needs to be worshipped and that the world revolves around him.

This happened several times when I was getting to know him during those few days. I eventually learned that there are absolutely secrets between them. Everything you tell him will reach his mom, and she will share it with the third party that got you guys in touch. I’m honestly not surprised that he shared everything I told him with her. It actually makes perfect sense.

You must understand that they have a very weird relationship for a reason. You are not just going to marry him... you are also marrying his mom. That’s one of the reasons that she has to know you so well. One of his conditions is that you have to be okay with her living with you guys. He is adamant about this. He has a room for her in his place for when she comes to visit, but she's planning on moving in permanently. But yea, his mom has fully reinforced his toxic behavior and expectations. It’s perfectly okay to live with your spouse’s parents. But it’s not okay for them to learn everything about you, and for you to not have any privacy with your spouse. I blame his trash character on her and her Karen-ness.

On that note..

His trash character

If he hasn't shown this to you yet, because he is still on his “fake” persona that he puts up early in the relationship.. then heed my warning. Strap yourself in for the hell that you are about to experience (or have already experienced).

Expect him in the beginning to “love-bomb” you. meaning, he will overly praise and admire you all the time. He will put u on a pedestal and tell you that you are the best person in the world. that if he ends up with you he will be the luckiest guy ever. You are perfect in every way, and everything that you have done is a huge achievement (even if it’s something basic). He will list out all of the things that he loves and adores in you. this will come literally the second time you talk lol. He’ll act crazy obsessed with you.

BUT..... he is ONLY doing this because 1 of 2 things are about to happen. The first is that he is craving for you to admire him in a similar manner. He is literally teaching you how he wants you to praise him (all the time btw). He wants you to compliment him back. Everything that he said is straight up just him fishing for a compliment. Don’t give him one. You don’t need to. Just general advice: you don’t owe a guy anything for what he does. If you want to compliment him on something you genuinely like, go for it. But NEVER feel obligated to compliment a guy just because he complimented you. It’s okay to just say “thank you” and accept it.

The second, is actually really scary. This is a tactic that narcissists used when trying to trap someone. Remember the term I used earlier, love-bombing? Well, this is actually a tactic that narcissists use in their cycle of abuse. It’s not healthy to have such strong feelings towards someone you just met. But that’s how he’ll talk to you. If you want to learn more about what I’m talking about, read this article to get a better idea: https://www.healthline.com/health/love-bombing#soulmate-claims

Eventually he will start gaslighting you. Making you question yourself. making you feel like everything that you say and do is offensive to him. You will start apologizing to him for stupid things.

Out of all the lies that he told, he was ironically very honest about his uncontrollable anger. He gets angry, UNBELIEVABLY quickly and about EVERYTHING. If something goes wrong, it is the end of the world for him. He lashes out immediately, in a very rude and disrespectful way (...does this remind you of someone........? if you said his mom, good job!). Just like a bratty little kid lashes out disrespectfully at people around them when they don’t get their way... this guy is the same way. If he is “offended” by something... which is literally everything. Everything that freaking offends him.. he lashes out. If it is an issue that deals directly with his future with you, and his bratty behavior is not applicable, that’s when his mom is involved.

Yasser, if you are reading this, please grow the fuck up. you are in your late thirties, stop acting like a prepubescent dickless little boy who's balls haven't dropped. You are a grown ass man, act like it. Real men don’t have their moms listening in on every conversation, fighting their every battle, and being their only friend. Real men deal with their issues in a calm and respectful way, not by disrespecting the other person, projecting their issues onto them, and purposefully saying something mean to hurt them because they apparently hurt you. grow the fuck up.

You need therapy to deal with your mommy and daddy issues. You need therapy to deal with your textbook case of narcissism. you need therapy so that you can stop being such a shitty person so that maybe one day, someone other than your mom will love you.

I’m glad I met you, because you were the absolute worst person I’ve ever met in my entire life. Now I know exactly what to avoid with future guys that I meet, and I also have the comfort of knowing that no one will ever be as horrible as you.

If you don’t plan on bettering yourself after seeing this, I hope that if you do get married that you end up with someone who deserves you because they are just as shitty as you. I hope they take advantage of you and the money you keep hoarding. I hope they lie to you about everything in their life and in their past, and you don’t find out until it’s too late and you can’t leave or end things. I hope that they use your vulnerabilities against you. I hope that they disrespect you and belittle you. I hope that they are able to control you in every aspect of your life. I hope they are able to deal with your psychotic mother in a way that hurts you. I hope you are emasculated in your own marriage, and that your wife wears the pants in the relationship. I hope she makes decisions without you, and I hope it drives you crazy.

I hope your ex-wife got remarried to someone who actually deserves her and appreciates her. I hope their relationship is happy. I hope that her happiness with her new husband makes you completely miserable because you lied about how horrible she was and you abused her.

You lied about and exaggerated the things that I said to you in private and exposed me. I hope that you are exposed to everyone, just like you exposed me and my secrets. You may have told lies and exaggerations about me, but I’m telling the truth about you. Everything you said about me is nothing to be ashamed of. But everything about you is disgusting and shameful. You’re lucky that I didn’t go into more detail about how horrible you are, and the outrageous things that you said and did. This was in no way revenge. I could care less about you or getting back at you. I wrote this because I hope that every girl that meets you finds this post and heeds my warning about you and they are protected from you, your mom, and both of your evil. It’s a shame, that you have so much potential to be a good person, but you choose to be this way. I feel bad for you.

If you are a girl that met this fool and you want to share your experience, feel free to make an account if you don’t already have one and share with us. I genuinely hope that this post helps someone. I would love to know that it has. Leave me a message if this helped you in any way, even if it does not relate to him directly. Please don’t send him any hate on my behalf, that’s not the intention of this at all. I would prefer if he doesn’t see this, so don’t send this to him if you know him. If he does find it on his own, that’s on him.

If you are someone who is in a relationship with a guy or a girl you suspect has narcissistic personality disorder, please leave that relationship asap. It is not healthy for you. They will traumatize you and leave a lasting impact on what you’ll expect your future relationships to look like. You deserve better. Even if you don’t think that you do, YOU DESERVE BETTER. Leave. It’s better to be single than to be with this type of person.

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cameoamalthea · 4 years ago

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What is Jester’s Relationship with the Traveler, and is it Healthy?

TLDR: Sorry this is long, I’ll put this at the top. They are best friends, he’s not a father figure, he’s her best friend and maybe idealized crush. He did not groom her. He did not gaslight her. He failed to communicate, failed to take responsibility for the pain that lack of communication caused her, did not actually apologize, and for many, many reasons, they do not have a healthy relationship.

I noticed the chat during C2E103 seemed split between describing Artagan as either gaslighting/abusive “boyfriend” or narcissistic “father figure”. Since Boyfriend and Father are two VERY different things, the first question is:

What exactly Jester’s relationship with the Traveler?

The Traveler is her best friend. While some viewers have described Artagan as Jester’s Father figure because she grew up without a Father, the text does not support that interpretation.

Jester first describes the Traveler in C2E08 she says, “I mean, yeah, sure. I worship him, sure. He’s more like my best friend.” Later, in that same episode, she prays to him because she misses him and worries he might not like her now that she has new friends, “I want you to know that you’re still my best friend and if you want me to be alone I will be if that means that you’ll be here.” The text is explicit that she sees him as her ‘best friend.’

Then in C2E17 we get this scene:

LAURA: I take a bite of my caramel apple, and I go walking down.

MATT: You hear a crunch sound and your hand shakes for a second and you look down and a mysterious secondary bite was taken out of the apple.

LAURA: (gasp) I lick the spot.

(groaning)

SAM: You’re making out with your god? Gross.

MATT: They have a special relationship.

Jester licking the spot where the Traveler took a bite of her apple seems like she’s attempting an indirect kiss.. Sam picks up on that, questioning if Jester makes out with The Traveler. Matt comments they have a special relationship. (This scene is already pretty creepy, you guys, but it would be a MILLION times creepier if she thought of him as a father figure.)

In C2E42, Jester talks to the Traveler about her crush on Fjord. “Traveler, how do I make a boy like me?” After the Traveler offers some advice, Jester asks, “You’re not jealous, are you?” And after the Traveler says he’s not, Jester still tells him, “You’ll always be my number one love.” This exchange adds credence to the reading that the Traveler is not only Jester’s best friend but, like Fjord, a romanticized crush. Her best friend, her number one love.

In C2E56 we learn that Jester first met the Traveler 15 years ago. “He was, you know, like my age when he came to see me, and then we hung out and we were like best friends hanging out for a long time” The Traveler was not an adult male ‘father figure’ to Jester as she was growing up. He was another child her own age. In conclusion, to Jester the Traveler is her best friend who grew up with her.

2) The next question: Is this relationship healthy?

NO, it’s NOT

During the Traveler’s first on-screen conversation with Jester in C2E09 Matt gives the following description. “There in the dark space of the hood, you can see the familiar verdant irises looking back, and the warmth fills you once more, the comfort that kept you comfortable so many years alone in that room.”

Jester grew up, for years, alone in a room. That is not healthy because children need socialization. They need to be around other people, including other children. Jester’s Mother loves her, but keeping her isolated like that was not healthy.

She needed a friend and the Traveler gave her that. The issue is, children need more than one friend. Jester’s only relationships growing up were with her Mother and with the Traveler. From childhood to her early twenties she’s only had two people in her life, and the Traveler and her Mother. He’s her only friend. It’s no wonder Jester is attached to the Traveler and insecure in her relationship when it changes.

Once Jester begins adventuring, he is not there with her constantly. In C2E8 she worries that he might be upset that she has other friends now and tries to assure him she’s still his best friend, even offering to be alone again if that would make him come back.

That is not a healthy attachment. Note, the Traveler does not ask her to leave her friends or put him first. He comes to her later that night to assure her that he’s with her. In Episode C2E09 when Jester is upset because she hasn’t received a care package from her Mother. The Traveler tells her that her mother doesn’t know she’s here yet, but comforts her by reminding Jester that she has her friends.

The Traveler wants Jester to have friends. Her insecurity in the relationship does not seem to come from him. Jester is insecure because she’s only had two people matter in her life, and her Mother just asked her to leave because she couldn’t protect anymore. The fact that Jester is anxious when the package doesn’t arrive because Beau is skeptical about it is telling. Jester knows her Mother, the Mighty Nein do not, but their doubt that Jester has a Mother who cares and will send her money is enough to get under Jester’s skin. She hasn’t had enough secure relationships to feel confident in the relationships she has, and that’s not healthy.

As for the Traveler, I have seen some argue that he “groomed” Jester. Grooming is a term coined to describe predatory behavior by child molesters and sexual abusers: “Grooming is a process used by people with a sexual interest in children to prepare a child for sexual abuse. It is often very carefully planned and it can take place over weeks, months or even years.” (source)

As Jester is not a survivor of child sexual abuse, it is likely that people using this term to describe “a predatory tactic that is meant to build a deep emotional connection” (source) that the traveler used to manipulate Jester.

Except, that Traveler is not someone who has a plan, especially not a detailed, drawn-out plan required to groom Jester into starting a cult to gain power. Such a scenario would also require a lot of steps and for factors outside his control to go right. 1. Find an isolated child. 2. Hope she stays that way and that her mother doesn’t send her to boarding school or something. 3. Appear as a child and keep up the act to become childhood best friends 4. Hope she jumps to the conclusion you’re a god without you ever telling her that 5. wait for her to grow up and become your cleric. 6. Hope that her belief will give you divine powers 7...profit?

That scenario is giving Artagan way too much credit. He doesn’t like work or responsibility. He does not think about what he’s doing or the consequences. He is not capable of patiently crafting a decades-long scheme, he’d get bored way too fast.

More likely this happened one, not so well thought out choice, at a time. In C2E94 the Traveler explains, “I am the Traveler, but it was not always this way, for when I traveled here, it was a world before me where I was without burdens, without responsibilities... amusing myself by leaping into every whim with glee and purpose. And one day, I met a little girl...This little girl and I found a kinship….and she saw me as a god. So for her-- for you-- I donned the mask of one.” The Traveler further clarifies, “I didn't intend for this to be what it was”(C2E95).

The Traveler, on a whim, decides to make a little girl happy. What does she want? A friend? He can’t create a friend for her or change her circumstances short of kidnapping her, so he polymorphs himself into a child her age and becomes her friend.

In C2E95 the Mighty Nien postulate that he took on an appearance to get close to her.

YASHA: So he, but he wasn't a real little kid when he met you, that's how he befriended you.

FJORD: He made himself appear that way.

Which, if true, would be creepy. However, given the Traveler does not have a motive or want anything from Jester, it’s likely Artagan polymorphed himself and body and mind became a mortal child. (my guess is a younger version of the half-elf Keelyn that he based on Keyleth) He’s an immutable immortal being, impossibly ancient and eternally young, he’s never been a child or grown-up before, and it might be fun.

That is the sort of ‘on a whim’ thing that tracks what we know about Artagan from campaign one. A twink in leather says I can’t die; his response is ok I want to try killing you then. Why? He’s never done that before and wants a new experience. He lives for new experiences and probably really enjoyed being a child and growing up with a best friend.

Then when Jester started to see him a god, he became that because he doesn’t want to disappoint her. That isn’t healthy either. Relationships based on trying to be what you think the other person wants instead of hoping someone likes you for you don’t work out. If he had been honest, I’m sure Jester would have been happy to have Artagan the Archfey as a friend and would have been thrilled with her cool Warlock powers if he offered them. He does not want to risk disappointing Jester with the truth. When he does reveal the truth, and Jester asks if they’ll still be friends, his answer is, “If you'll have me." (C2E95).While this wording may simply suggest he's carefree and not possessive, it implies that he did not know if Jester would still want to be his friend.

Having godly powers also lets him give Jester abilities that help her. When Jester asks if she can contact her Mother in C2E09 he responds, “I think the more deeds you do, the more lives you change, the more confident brats you break-- She'll find you”. He wants her to grow his faith to become powerful enough to learn the spell sending and talk to her mom whenever she wants.

However, growing in power means he is stretched thin. “While such faith granted me power beyond what I thought possible to achieve, I was being spread too thin across those who I'd taken under my wing. I thought to bring them all together, to unify their causes and perhaps forge a community under this banner, my banner, our banner.” He devises the plan for Traveler Con after slavers kidnapped Jester while he wasn’t looking. Part of his motivation likely is to find a way to manage his followers so he can be free to be there for Jester.

It likely the Traveler has never had a friend before either. He describes his past and his experience with gaining followers as “Eons of living for only myself, I found a new joy in helping others” (C2E94). Jester was his forest experience with caring about another person. Neither Jester nor the Traveler had other friends. They grew up together with only each other. Then Jester went off into the world as an adult, made other friends and he tried to be what she wanted and still wants to be her friend but he does not know how to be a good friend.

That does not mean their relationship is abusive. Many point to the conversation in C2E103 as evidence that Artagan is gaslighting Jester, but that is arguably not the case .Gaslighting means “to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity” (source) Gaslighting goes beyond failing to validate someone’s feelings “I’m sorry you feel that way” to actively invalidating their feelings e.g. ‘Why do you feel that way, you have no reason to’. The phrase “I’m sorry you feel that way” is known as a “non-apology apology”. Such phrasing can be used to gaslight as it “may imply the person took offense for hypersensitive or irrational reasons.” (Id.)

However, a non-apology in personal relationships is not always gaslighting. “Statements that use the word "sorry" but do not express responsibility for wrongdoing may be meaningful expressions of regret. But such statements can also be used to elicit forgiveness without acknowledging fault.” (Id. Emphasis Added).

Not taking responsibility for how your actions impact others is manipulative, wanting forgiveness without accepting fault and realizing what you did wrong so that you won’t do it again. Artagan is ABSOLUTELY an irresponsible person. He hates responsibility and is actively working on getting out of his responsibilities (which is ironic, working to avoid work). He has never had to take responsibility for anything, even feeling regret may well be against his nature as a fey.

That’s not healthy. Artagan should have taken responsibility. Because it doesn’t matter that he did not mean to scare Jester, he did scare her. He scared her so much that he brought her to tears. When Artagan realizes he’s upset her he says:

“Please don’t ever think I’m not looking out for your best interests.”

“Oh dear thing, I don’t mean to put you through this.”

“I’m sorry if you felt abandoned.”

This phrasing is not taking responsibility. He did put Jester through this and it hurt her, he did leave her in a situation where she feared he would abandon her and doubted if he was looking out for her best interests because he did not communicate.

That said, the conversation does not cross into gas-lighting because he does not invalidate the way Jester feels. On the contrary, he validates her by saying, “You’re right, I should have been a little more forthright with you with information.”

This belated realization does not change the fact he put Jester in danger without her informed consent, and she calls him on it, screaming that she’s there for extra days, meaning more danger, because he did not warn her. When she realizes she’s yelling at him, she apologizes, but he says, “It’s alright.” He does not invalidate that she’s upset or question her yelling at him. Instead he focuses on addressing what’s upsetting her i.e. fear of losing her memory and being left on an island enslaved to a monster, reiterating “I would have come back.” And Jester knows it’s the truth because he has promised her to come back and in this fantasy fey rules context, that means he cannot break his word.

Making that promise is taking action to address her concerns. Not only does Artagan validate her feelings, but he also takes active steps to address her fears by giving her what she needs, clearly communicated assurance. Again, this is a Binding Promise, a fey promise is like a devil’s contract, it’s deep unbreakable magic and not something a fey would give for nothing, but he does, freely, because he recognizes that she needs assurance that he will look out for her.

Note: In real life, promising is not enough because actions show change. It is important to remember that abusers aren’t 100% awful all the time. Abuse is often followed by a honeymoon period. If someone hurts you saying you need more than words, you need demonstrated change beyond the honeymoon period. However, in the context of analyzing this scene, Artagan making a promise is itself an action taken.

He has a long way to be a good friend and what he did was wrong and his initial responses do not take responsibility. That is a red flag. An actual apology would have been:

“I did not plan to leave you here. I always try to look out for your best interests. I’m sorry I was not more forthright with you with information and put you in a frightening situation. I’m sorry for scaring you. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry I have not been there for you in the way you need.”

And while he did take responsibility and acknowledge what he did wrong, he didn’t accompany that with an I’m sorry. To me, that comes down more on the side of flawed character rather than an irredeemable gaslighting abuser. Admitting you were wrong and the other person is right is the opposite of gaslighting and Artagan did that.

That does not mean this relationship is Healthy. In terms of being a friend, Artagan has no experience, and the fact he’s a fey makes him a very bad choice of friend. If you’re of a kind where vows are binding learning to speak open and honestly might be a challenge. Fey also lack empathy so he will have to rely on Jester to tell her why she’s upset and to set boundaries. Communication, setting boundaries, interpersonal-effectiveness, in general, is a skill, and Jester never had many friends, so she’s still learning too.

#Artagan #jester lavorre #the traveler #critical role meta #essays

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mormonmommyphilosopher-blog · 3 years ago

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My Abuser

I have gone back and forth for years about whether I ever wanted to share about my abuse in my blog. Today, while eating breakfast, it hit me, and I realized that I needed to. Not just for myself, but for anybody whom is currently going through what I am, or maybe is still being abused and doesn't know what to do about it.

My abuser, like most, was someone very close to me—a family member and someone I felt very connected to. However, the relationship was toxic, and was for my whole life. Only 3 and ½ years ago did I finally face my abuse, and my abuser, and end the relationship. The abuse was going on for over 21 years. And before it started with me, it happened with someone else—until that person realized she was being abused and got out of the situation—and then it transferred to me.

So much of what kept me from sharing my abuse story, is that sexual abuse, like mental illness, is still something that is taboo to talk about. But here we are.

To start, my sexual abuse was not all physical. To clarify beyond that, the abuse wasn't even physical molestation. My abuser molested me mentally and emotionally, by talking about my body, in teasing, joking, and praising my physical beauty—my breasts, my “voluptuous” shape, my sex appeal, and also about his body—how well-endowed he was, his sexual experiences, what turned him on, etc.

The physical touch only accompanied the verbal abuse—resting his hands on my waist/hips, rubbing and squeezing my things, and hugging me so tight that my breasts pressed hard against his chest. The last straw with the physical touch was at a family Thanksgiving party.

At every chance he got to hug me, I was sitting down, and he would slide his right hand, fingers spread, groping, all the way up my left thigh to my bottom. My husband, Jack, watched in horror as this person was grooming him to see how far he could push the limits without Jack intervening.

However, because this person was so loved and defended by me my whole life, Jack never reacted. Only after I was sobbing on the way home from the party and couldn't let Jack even put his hand on my shoulder to comfort me, did he tell me that I needed to tell this person how I felt.

The rest of the way home from the party in Perry, Ut to our home in Layton, half an hour away, I spent my time writing a letter over social media messenger to this person about how I felt. I told him how uncomfortable I was and about how I couldn't even let my husband touch me because I was so upset. My letter was met with an apology that I felt the way that I did, but that those were not his intentions and that he only ever had the purest intentions toward me.

After this incident, I decided to speak to a therapist to help me figure out what to do. Especially where, not only was this family member sexually abusing me, but had started grooming my 3 year old daughter.

At parties or visits, he would take my beautiful, little blonde, blue eyed daughter away from the group so that he could be with her alone—whether it was in her room, outside, or another room in the house, he wanted to be alone with her, and felt entitled to be.

Not only this, but the dirty jokes and teasing about my body started coming out while my daughter was around. He doted on her. He gave her gifts. He praised her for everything she did. He posted pictures of her on social media of them spending time together and about how beautiful she was and about how they must be kindred spirits and must have known each other in the previous life, etc.. Anything that I ever posted about her on social media, he would go on and on about her to the point that several people reached out to me and my husband to be wary of the way he was acting toward our daughter and that it wasn't normal.

For awhile, when my daughter was about 18 months old, I went back to work and even let my abuser babysit her, even though I knew what he was capable of. I don't know why I trusted that he wouldn't do anything to her, but these narcissistic abusers are very capable of persuasion, making your fears about them seem petty, and even that you, yourself, are the one in the wrong. There's a word for that—it's called “gaslighting.”

I still beat myself up for letting my abuser tend my little daughter, and then just letting him be around her for as long as I did in general. I don't know if he ever touched her, and there have never been any indications, that I noticed, that she was ever abused. Regardless, I will still never forgive myself for letting him be alone with her.

Four months after the Thanksgiving incident, I finally wrote my abuser a letter to cut ties with him. Before you read on, be aware that it is somewhat graphic. I have edited to censor names.

March 11, 2018

It is with so much pain and sorrow that I begin this letter. I'm not even really sure where to start. After months of deliberation, the last two weeks of discussions with my therapist, making lists, soul searching, scripture study, prayer, and the last two days of an emotional breakdown of battling my strong answer given weeks ago from my Heavenly Father versus my natural, temporal emotions, I have come to the very difficult decision to ask you to no longer be a part of mine or my family's lives.

I never want to see you again. And it's not because I hate you. Lord, help me! It's because I love you so much! I love you unconditionally. And I know that if I saw you, all of the good times would come flooding back, and I would want to change my mind! But as much as I love you, I have to remember my first priority. And that is to my family. To my little girl and being her parent. Her protection is my responsibility.

After what happened this last Thanksgiving, among other things, all of the memories of you saying and doing inappropriate things started resurfacing in my mind. I decided that I really needed to talk to a therapist about it. I've talked to Jack and a couple of close friends about some of the things that you have done in the past and none of them have been able to understand why I keep seeing you and especially why I keep taking risks with [my daughter]. I think Jack has always just trusted my judgment and figured that I would keep [my daughter] safe and not let you and [my daughter] be alone together. But when he found out that you like to have “one on one” time with her as often as you do, that really worried him.

From an early age you exposed me to a lot of sexual information. You let me watch sex scenes on TV and in movies. You told me about the birds and the bees in graphic detail. Once, right after I sneezed when I was a little girl, you told me that sneezing was an eighth of an orgasm. You told me what the “get yourself a spin cycle” joke meant from the movie “The Great Outdoors” when I hadn't even asked what it meant. You told me a story of a lady who used to put peanut butter on her vagina and let her dog lick it off in her kitchen and one time her husband and all of their mutual friends walked in on her.

You told me that you had the biggest penis of all of your brothers and then told me whom ranked next all the way down the line. You told me that I had a “gum drop” nose and when I didn't understand what you meant, you explained it to me that it meant it looked like the head of a penis. You showed me a container of something once, and told me that that was how big your penis was.

When I was in the third grade, I tried on some new pants and you told me that my butt looked good in them and that all the boys in my class would like how good my butt looked in them. After puberty you talked about how I had a nice heart shaped butt, and big boobs like my mom. Since then, most of the inappropriate talk has been about my breasts and their size. How I'm a “poor girl” because I have my “mom's curse.” “Ample food supply for [my daughter],” etc..

When I was about 16, [my sister] and I were changing in the blue room at Grandma's house, and [my brother] was being a punk and kept knocking on the door to bug us, but we kept shouting at him to tell him that we were changing, when all of a sudden someone barged in. We thought it was [my brother], but it was you. Later you said that you didn't see anything except for my butt and the side of my boob.

You told Me and [my sister] that you “knew” that I shaved “downstairs” and that she didn't when we were teenagers. There are many other situations, but these are just a few of the examples off the top of my head.

You have also touched/rubbed my thighs on many occasions. It used to really bother [my high school sweetheart] and now it really bothers Jack. I have asked you stop both the inappropriate talk and touch before and you haven't. Not only that, but you have switched the issue back onto me as if I am the one with a touching/privacy problem—that I am just a “private person.”

I won't mention all of the other things that I have heard that have happened with [the person you abused before me], [my sister], and with [my brother] on the matter of sexual inappropriateness. This is not what this letter is about, however I think that they are some things that you should personally reflect on and try to repent for.

Again, I love you unconditionally. I've obviously been able to overlook all of those things up until this point because we have continued to have a close relationship where we talk and visit each other on a regular basis. But what happened on Thanksgiving shook me to my core. Not only was your hand continually sliding up my thigh with every hug you gave me, but there was also the fact that Jack saw what was going on, noticed how upset that I was, but didn't feel like he could do anything about it because of how much I get after him about needing to be nice to you. I cried the whole way home, and couldn't let Jack touch me at all for the rest of the night.

I will always remember the good times, I promise. I will remember watching Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings with you. I will remember our discussions about books and music and movies. I will remember the camping, hunting, and fishing trips. I will remember all of the special, little, nice things that you've done for me, [my daughter], and Jack.

I will remember all of the choir concerts and programs that you've come to. Don't think for a second that I have forgotten all of these things! I have shed so many tears in coming to this decision. And I know you love [my daughter]. I know you love her so much. And I am so so sorry. But I am doing what I believe is best for her. Because you care about her so much, I know that you will understand me doing everything that I think is necessary to keep her safe. My heart is as heavy as I can ever remember it being right now.

I love you so much. And I always, always will.

McKell

My letter was met with anger--accusing me of being crazy and a liar. I was told that no one would believe me, that I knew what I was doing was wrong and that it would break my grandma's heart to know that I could do such a thing.

I took his response as confirmation that I was absolutely doing the right thing. Not only was my abuser a pedophile and a sexual pervert, but a narcissist as well. And even just getting out of a relationship with a narcissist is a healthy step in the right direction.

I meant to keep the situation quiet and continue to have relationships with the rest of my family members on that side of the family, but my abuser took the matter to as many family members as he could and tried to convince them of my insanity and dishonesty. It breaks my heart to say that very few believed me, and that most everyone took his side, and I was ostracized from my family. Does it hurt like hell? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I know with all my heart that I did the right thing. I know that I'm protecting myself and both my now 6 year old daughter, and my 2 year old daughter as well.

About 6 months to a year after I cut ties with my abuser, he got in trouble for child pornography. At that point, a few people who were on the fence about whether to believe me or not, decided to believe me. However, surprisingly, so many people still believed him over me, even though I had never done anything to make them think I would lie about something so serious, and he actually has a track record of dishonesty, laziness, and stealing, among other things.

If anyone who has read this is going through what I've gone through, I am so sorry and I feel for you. Keep going. Know that you're doing the best thing for you and that is perfectly alright. If anyone who has read this and is currently being abused, I urge you to get out of that toxic relationship/situation. It might be so hard, and even life altering, but you're life will be so much healthier. You will feel safer. You will be happier, I promise you.

McKell Hadlock

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