#my mind going in circles

[etherealfishyfeelings]

My Venus square Ascendant 1

I think the thing I loathe most about my Aries rising and jupiter is my constant need for stimulation. Things always need to be new and exciting and intense or I begin to get bored and extremely restless and that's not good. I really wish I had that Capricorn stamina to just keep going at things even when they're no longer shiny and new but being in the moment genuinely brings me so much joy and satisfaction. I function so much better when I'm allowed to be in the moment and just have a kind of north star to work toward, no real plan just adapting as I go along, but I really tend to admire the patience and diligence and attention to detail? that I tend to see in Capricorns(the healthy ones anyway). Like it isn't just a physical appearance thing I think, it's also the character vibe they give off. I want be seen as someone competent and level-headed and dare I say, unbothered, but I really just look like an energetic, impatient and really argumentative brat. It's giving estp/esfp even entp when I actually would like it to be giving entj/intj/istj/estj just a Te dom really(for anyone out there who knows anything about mbti.)

Because Venus rules values, its also the traits of the sign that I greatly admire and value but feel like I don't really live up to, I guess. And I haven't really found a way to blend the two signs at all, I either end up completely ignoring my Venus, acting like I have no interest in relationships, romantic or non-romantic, whatsoever or I make it my entire personality. Depends on the day. I usually make it my entire personality at work though(it's in the 10th conjunct my mc) and a lot of the time have to keep my work life extremely separate from my personal life in order to feel comfortable expressing it at all.(My mom, who also has Venus square Ascendant but her Venus is in the 4th, literally asks me why the hell so many people from school and work like me so much because at home and in general I'm a literal menace(she said this playfully but in general she does consider me to be pretty cold)) I've heard that a lot though, that planets in disharmonious aspect to the Ascendant, even semi-sextiles and inconjunctions, can really create this feeling of living a double life and it really does feel that way. I mean I made this blog so that I could freely talk about my feelings somewhere and not just have them bottled up and ready to explode. My Venus feels so separate from me that it barely feels like its mine. I'm so bad at venussing in my personal life that I almost put it on like a performance in my public life as some kind of way of making up for it. But I still feel like I'm absolutely awful at venussing. Being warm and soft irl even when I want to be feels so difficult.