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sofiasmusings · 4 years ago

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Did I do it?

Welcome to this year’s edition of “did I do it?” where I look back at my goals from the beginning of 2020 and reflect on whether I accomplished them. It’s definitely been a year. To say it was a rollercoaster is a gross understatement. Sometimes I felt like the world was catapulted into a different dimension all together. So, it’ll be interesting to see what bright-eyed, optimistic, January 2020 version of Sofia had to say:

1. Invest in self care

What I said last year:

This past year, I started investing in things for myself. I got a yoga mat and a foam roller to stay active, Banish Acne and other Sephora products for my skin, and other things. I’m even looking into function of beauty shampoo right now. I used to try to buy the cheapest version of everything (hello, 98 cent shampoo in college), but now I’ve learned that you have to pay more for quality. The tricky part here is that we do live in a world that constantly wants us to spend, which means we should we wise about where we’re investing our money, rather than falling into these traps. I’m also thankful that I even have the means to spend a little more on these types of things.

The verdict:

I definitely did accomplish this goal and invested in myself and my health. I have now been subscribed to Function of Beauty for a year and i have seen a noticeable difference in my hair health. The ~$50 quarterly price tag was a bit uncomfortable at first, because like I said, I was used to spending 98 cents on shampoo. But, it made a different. I no longer have terrible split ends and my hair no longer looks dull. Hair stylists no longer roast me for my super dry hair. I love keeping my hair long, so this was a worthy investment for me. Since the pandemic hit, I also started investing in a home gym--now I have two yoga mats, a kettlebell, ab roller and weights. I was one of those people that thought that if I couldn’t lift heavy weights at the gym, then it wasn’t worth doing anything. This year, I’ve opened my mind to different ways of staying active, and I’ve never felt more strong or flexible. I’ll get more into it in my fitness goal. Of course, with the pandemic and the wreck of the economy, I acknowledge my privilege of being able to spend money on things to enrich my life, and I’m thankful for that.

2. Continue budgeting

What I said last year:

Yesterday, I downloaded the Clarity Money and Acorns applications on my phone. Clarity Money seriously opened my eyes because it linked all my accounts and showed me how much I was spending per month (and if it was over budget) and I can even see how much I spend at specific places. There’s even a way to track all your reoccurring expenses and I didn’t realize that so much of my monthly take home pay were going to those things. I think my biggest weakness is grocery shopping, simply because I like to eat really complicated meals that require a lot of ingredients. I also like to try everything so I end up with a full grocery cart that looks like it could feed a family of four. I’ve been trying to simplify my recipes recently so that I can save some money (but still get all my nutrients). I hate to mention this, but I also have a weakness with clothes shopping...that definitely does not contribute to self-care, most of the time anyway. I don’t need more clothes. This year, I want to increase the amount of money that gets deposited in my savings account, and start investing a bit with Acorns.

So, I definitely became more aware of my spending this year, thanks to Clarity Money and watching some more finance-related YouTubers. I also did open an Acorns account (still debating if I like it or not...or if it’s even useful for me) and have a decent amount of money in there. It’s not a fortune, but I absolutely love the idea of saving without even realizing. However, my budgeting style is a bit more...laissez faire with moments of sudden awareness. Clarity Money has allowed me to always have an overview of my spending habits so I always kind of have a sense on how much I spend each month on groceries vs. car-related expenses vs. online shopping. But I never really put my foot down to actually stick by a budget by limiting how much I spend in any of these categories. I think somehow it works for me because I do prioritize saving. I did increase the amount of money that gets deposited into my original savings account and did a lot of research on high yield savings accounts. In a moment of clarity, I spend a weekend looking at how I spend my money and finding ways to save without realizing that I’m saving. I opened 3 high yield savings accounts (one for a future home deposit, one for my masters degree, and one for fun/travelling) and allocated different direct deposit amounts per account. I researched how much I should have in my regular rainy day savings account. So, while my spending fluctuates from month to month, I am always putting the same amount of money into each of those accounts. The only thing I don’t do is investing, but I’m not sure if I want to get into that although it seems like a pretty smart choice given that I’m young. Sigh. I do need to spend less on clothes shopping because 1) sustainability 2) where am I going to wear these if I’ve been on lockdown for almost a year??

3. Embrace flexibility

What I said:

I mentioned in my “Did I do it?” post that while one of my greatest strengths is organization and being disciplined with a schedule, I also panic when things don’t go the way I originally planned. Or when I’m not productive. I’m definitely someone that feels terrible if I lay around doing nothing or if I had things planned but they didn’t happen. For example, if I don’t leave on time to go to the gym in the morning, I panic a bit. If I don’t do groceries on the day I planned to, I panic. If I have to make plans last minute, I panic. There is literally no reason I should panic, but I do. So, my goal is to be more mindful of this and try to keep myself level headed when these things happen.

Ok so this is an interesting one because I’m not sure if I would’ve accomplished if not for the circumstances of this year. This year threw a wrench in everyone’s plans and routines and ways of working and living. My biggest thing this year was to be flexible that nothing was going the way I envisioned it. My workout routine got thrown for a loop. All travelling got cancelled. The way I worked changed dramatically. And...it was fine. While working from home definitely blurred the boundaries between work and personal life, I found that it made me more open to flexibility (mostly because I was given that flexibility as well). I experimented with different routines, whether it was a morning workout one day and an evening workout the other day. Working early with a break in the middle of the day and then working later into the night. Having to jump on later in the evening because of a mini fire drill. Accepting that the circumstances of this year weighed heavily on my mind and that I needed to do nothing. That, for most of this year, our only choice was to do nothing. I learned to accept that it’s not always the end of the world if something doesn’t get done. It’s ok if I want to start my workout at 9 pm instead of 6 am. It’s ok to have those nights where I stay up a bit later playing a game. Overall, I came to understand the value of flexibility--being flexible allowed me to understand myself more and learn what actually works best for me versus deciding what I think will work best for me.

4. Keep my fitness routine fresh

What I said last year:

While I will still stick to my regular routine (strength training, cardio and yoga), I definitely want to continue trying new things. I want to be able to hold a handstand for at least 10 seconds by the end of the year. I want to be more flexible and have my elbows touch the floor when I do hamstring stretches. I want to be able to run 2 miles straight again. I want to be able to do 10 unassisted pull ups. I want to try barre workouts and more pilates workouts. I can’t wait for it to get warm again so I can start hitting my 10k steps consistently!

This one’s 99% a yes and 1% no. Have I tried new things? Yes. Heck yes. This year, I was able to hold a shaky headstand (not headstand!) for 10 seconds, have my elbows touch the floor when I do hamstring stretches and run 2 miles straight. I’ve tried barre and pilates workouts, I’ve enjoyed the weather on long walks. I am especially proud of this accomplishment: doing yoga for three months straight. Thank you, thank you Yoga with Adrienne. I used to look down on yoga because I thought picking up and dropping heavy weights was enough. But as a very anxious and stressed person that gets too into her head, yoga seemed like the logical thing to start this year. That first session had my legs burning and I was sweating. All from holding warrior 1! Like...this was the girl who boasted about doing 115lb deadlifts (which isn’t even that much lol). While yoga started out as a fitness thing, it’s become a meditative sort of thing now. I suck at meditation but I feel way more in tune with my breath now. I realize that I used to stop breathing when I got stressed, and now I simply let out a long breath and immediately feel better. My mobility and flexibility got MUCH better and I realized that I had been battering my body without giving it time to recover. And, I did a lot, A LOT, of of HIIT workouts. They started out as a way to get a good cardiovascular workout in, but became a way to challenge myself. Shoutout to Caroline Girvan. Actually, shoutout to all the fitness professionals on YouTube that have been posting awesome workout routines throughout this whole pandemic (and for all the previous years before the world turned to YouTube for workouts). I love hearing that the workout’s going to be extreme or intense and being able to finish it. I love hitting new milestones. The reason I say 1% no is because sometimes I think I get too into it and don’t have enough balance so I burn myself out. While walking 10k steps, doing yoga and then a strength training/HIIT routine in one day is my dream, it’s often not realistic for the type of life I lead (9+ hour a day desk job in the Midwest where we have polar vortexes). I’m not trying to make excuses, but I’m still seeking that balance where I dont burn myself out while still challenging myself.

5. Tame my sweet tooth...but in a healthy way

What I said last year:

Last weekend I experimented with baking and finally tried out healthy substitutions in baking. I love myself a good fatty, buttery, chocolate-y piece of cake or cookie, but I also like not crashing from sugar (or getting a stomachache). Instead of butter, I used greek yogurt and instead of sugar, I used unsweetened apple sauce. I baked this double chocolate banana bread and I added dried jujubes and it was AMAZING. There was no added sugar and it was so moist and tasty. The best part is that it fit right into my diet and tamed my sweet tooth. My goal is to continue experimenting with this and incorporate these healthy treats into my diet.

Yes, I definitely did continue to experiment this year! In fact, I made like 100 batches of banana bread during that phase of quarantine. And, each batch aimed to have minimal butter/oil and refined sugar. I went on to make a variety of loaf concoctions (some better than others) and realized that I can indeed satisfy my sweet tooth in a more healthy way. But at the end of the day, I do still love myself a hearty piece of cake or ooey gooey chocolate chip cookie. I don’t think I can ever live a life without dessert or a life with only healthy desserts. And I think that’s ok. I know this because after my healthy baking stint, all I wanted was some real fatty, real chocolate-y dessert items....and I ate them. And perhaps too much of it. So I know that I need balance.

6. Be productive, not busy

What I said last year:

I like to be productive, but most of the time I just end up being busy. As I wrote earlier, I hate days where I don’t do much. Sure, in the moment it feels nice to relax in bed, but there’s always that looming cloud of anxiety like why aren’t you doing anything with all this precious free time? I have to realize that sometimes resting is being productive because you’re letting yourself relax and you’re setting yourself up for success the next week. Also, while I love laying on my bed after work scrolling through social media, it usually doesn’t leave me feeling that great. I want to dedicate more time to reading or doing yoga at night for a wind down routine.

I still have that fear of not being productive, and I think that’s normal for many people. In fact, I spent most of this morning doing NOTHING and while I feel better rested, that feeling of guilt is still there. However, I have taken steps to doing the things I love instead of mindlessly scrolling (though still very guilty of that since Instagram released Reels). I read more, I did more yoga, I experimented in the kitchen more. But I still struggle with this goal a bit, and it’ll definitely be on my list for next year.

7. Create content without the pressure

What I said last year:

I’ve been lamenting basically all year about how I never update my art instagram account and then...I don’t do anything about it. I think it’s because I feel so pressured that I have to create something amazing. I freeze up and end up doing nothing at all. I used to draw all the time--I have stacks of old drawings and paintings. I realize I used to just sit down and start creating with no expectations, worries or self-inflicted pressure. I want to get back into that mindset, not only with art but also with writing. I think reviving this blog has helped. Although I know someone might stumble upon this one day, I’m not worried about creating something perfect. I actually look forward to writing on this blog because it’s just me and my thoughts.

So....I think I overcame this with writing as I started updating this blog more this year. I remember how much I love writing and storytelling. I’ve written in my journal a bit more this year as well. But man...art. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve lost passion for it. I definitely have some talent and some skill, but I think I still get stuck because I compare myself to others. And I know that a lot of it is practicing and making mistakes and creating not so great works of art and that most of the time, we’re our own biggest critic. But I still feel like I’m held back. I have created some art that I’m proud of this year and recently updated my Redbubble, but I feel stuck. No idea feels good enough, original enough, executed well enough. If this is my goal, then I need to dedicate time to cultivating my skill. And most importantly, I just need to let go of my worries. There’s no way around it.

8. Read at least 25 books

What I said last year:

I love books. What more can I say?

I read 16.5 books this year, and I’m not mad. I actually slacked for the first part of the year (I blame the library closing and the acquisition of a Nintendo Switch) but I dusted off my tablet and found the beauty of Overdrive and since then haven’t stopped reading. But alas, I didn’t read fast enough to reach my goal. My favorite books of this year were: The Nix by Nathan Hill and Solutions and Other Problems by Allie Brosh. I definitely plan on reaching that 25 book goal in 2021.

9. Brush up on my mother tongues

What I said last year:

Duolingo here I come!! I’ve been subscribing to more Chinese speaking Youtube channels since I watch so many videos nowadays. I’m surprised as to how much I can understand. Now I just need to do this for Spanish. I’m also considering learning a bit of Korean? Heheh.

Sigh. Oh, bright-eyed, hopeful Sofia. I do have to say that I did do this...for the first four months of the year. I dutifully logged onto Duolingo every day and stayed at the top of the charts almost every week. I started being able to read simple Chinese and understand more conversationally. And then...I don’t know. I fell off the routine. I’m not sure if it was the world blowing up or if I was putting too much pressure on myself to accomplish something, but I didn’t complete this goal to the degree I wanted to. And every time the Duolingo owl stares into my soul from my home screen, a little part of my dies. The intention and desire is still there. And so, we try again. That’s the beauty of life. There’s always a chance to try again (most of the time)!

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booksbroadwaybbc · 6 years ago

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I know I have the potential to be great, and I choose the path of the weak every time. via /r/selfimprovement

I know I have the potential to be great, and I choose the path of the weak every time.

Im so shitty. I dont even know why im writing this. Honestly I see other people post and I wonder if this actually helps. I'm at a point where If there's even a chance it could help, I should try it. Im 29, skinny black guy. I literally weigh about 130 lbs. Live with a roommate and brother. Other brother moving here in bout a week. Im older than all of them. Somehow I've got to this point in my life dropping out of every school endeavor i ever embarked on. Dropped out of High School, got my GED got into college then dropped out of that. Was too busy smoking weed, playing fighting games...just being a fool. Never been in a serious relationship at any point in my life. My love-life is non-existent. My only working background is in grocery stores and call center. I legitimately want to just stop everything. If I have to take calls for another few months that really might be it for me. I'm at the complete end of my lane. Im not here to discuss where my thoughts have gone, but I know for certain I cant keep doing this type of work for the rest of my life...I don't think I'll last to the middle of 2019 before I quit and look for another job. Speaking of that, my last 5 years of work history is just me bouncing between jobs. I got a job at software company doing customer support, but i threw that away too. They wanted to send me to Ireland, a real chance to start over and for some reason i threw it away. I just feel inadequate as hell in comparison to my brothers (one who has graduated college, the other who is going to Lincoln Tech now). I don't have problems talking to women casually, but I dont have it in me to discuss anything romantic with a woman. I wouldn't date me. If I was a woman I wouldn't even talk to me lol, let alone date me. I see my laziness, my apathy, my lack of empathy toward other people, and I know it's' shitty. I hate it, I hate myself and I absolutely must improve. I know that I can, when I actually put my mind to something I excel.

But you know what I hate more than anything? People who look for sympathy, people who want others to feel bad for them, and worst of all people who don't fucking work. So as I make this post, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. If anything insult me, because well thats what I deserve and probably what I would do to someone else.

So since im literally at the end of my fucking rope, I've been trying to rewrite my life as hard as possible. Dedicating literally every minute of every day to improvement. Literally every --single---minute of every ---single--- day. As i write this now im at work, im doing quite a few things inbetween calls, and decided to visit this reddit because I made this account and subscribed to it a few weeks ago.

I probably sound like an idiot going into detail on this, but as embarrassing as it is I will. I made a plan for myself for the next 5 years. The plan includes my goals and ways to achieve them day by day. It also includes checkpoints every so often for me to check In and make sure im actually focusing on my goals. I need these checkpoints because in the past when I tried to do things like this I would lose focus eventually and fall into loads of weed use and alcohol abuse. My goals are listed below in no particular order:

Improve my overall Health - this multi-part goal. It includes both physical and mental health. I weigh 130 lbs pretty much on the dot. I'm not sure what my ideal weight would be (I don't know how I'd look at lets say 170 lbs for me to call that my ideal weight), but the first milestone is 150lbs. I want to hit this in 6 months, or atleast check in at that time. In terms of how I plan to do that, I've detailed a complete workout regime for me. Of course, I could go into detail on that, but the most important step, more important than working out is just eating more. The hardest part of course is always sticking to the regime, but atleast i've wrote down what I need to do. I don't know why but for some reason I just have trouble getting myself to eat. Even when i'm hungry, i'll smoke or go for a walk or go to sleep or just game - I'll do anything but eat. As of today, I'm changing that. For my mental health, I plan to read recreationally more especially when on public transit which Im on for about 2 hours a day. Why reading? I need to stay away from my phone. I spend so much time on discord, losing myself in non-stop content online through youtube or twitch or whatever. I need to get back in touch with me, and not be scared to be in my own thoughts. As a kid i use to read a lot, I was a creative kid. I think somewhere in the weed use I lost that, I want it back. After doing some research I've also started journalling. I Journal twice a day, once in the morning once at night. I try to spend 30 minutes a day total (15 minutes per night/day) writing down my thoughts from the previous day and goals for that day in the morning, and what I actually accomplished and thoughts for the day that night. After reading what I've wrote for just a few days, turns out I'm actually a very bitter person. Maybe not bitter, but definitely angry and intense. I'm also trying to meditate, but Im not really good at this. What I do is just sit down in my room, light a candle, make some tea, close my eyes and think for 10 or so minutes. Any thought that comes in I try to analyze where it came from and if it's a negative thought or stemming from a negative. Im not good at this yet honestly. Its important to know these things aren't something I want to add in only for a limited time. I think I need to do this for the rest of my life, otherwise I spiral fast. My mom has suggested therapy but, I completely refuse. If I can't fix myself I won't get fixed. I'm not scared to ask for help, but therapy is out of the question until I've done absolutely everything I can to fix myself.

Develop a Skill. Particularly I want to program. I've taught myself abit of HTML, CSS, and Javascript. Honestly I'm a complete beginner, but I've dabbled abit. I've made steps to already begin teaching myself in my routine. I've been using codeacademy pro for about a month now and I'm working on deploying my own site (my first project will just be my resume on a responsive one page site, got the idea from a friend). This comes from, I have to develop some type of skill in order to move out of Customer Service. I don't know what else to even do, though IT support comes to mind but I don't want to support anymore I want to create and develop. I'm not trying to avoid work, I just want to avoid working with the general public, and I want to avoid my job being to educate others or fix mistakes they've made. Even though I think that still happens in development, I atleast want a career that pushes me mentally and forces me to improve my skillset in order to stay relevant. Most importantly, I want a job I can be proud of. A job that I myself can be proud of. Even though Customer Service/Call Centers are important for alot of companies, I cannot stand this line of work. It is so mind numbingly tedious and repetitive, and I feel like I am wasting my life and my potential handling these minor inquiries when I know I can use my mind to accomplish and work on something much greater. I don't care how arrogant or fucked up it sounds. It's not that I think i'm better than anyone, I just KNOW that i can achieve more than this. I know that im here because of how shitty of a human i've been. I'm tired of it, I have to change it.

Learn another language. The only other language I've had real interest in is Japanese. Honestly I've been at odds even with myself on this for a long time. Is it bad that I enjoy that type of culture? I'm not trying to be a "weeb" or just say it to sound cool. I've spent time learning to recognize some hiragana/katakana just on my own in the past. I don't think it's a perfect culture or anything, but its the only one that legitimate has always interested me for as long as I can remember. So i've decided to pursue it and fuck it, if I look stupid or like a weeb or whatever I guess I just have to accept that. Again I have my own routine I've detailed for myself for learning, and I have a few people I can actually practice with. I somehow got a friend of mine a job in Japan as a english teacher...but I havent done anything myself to move toward that and I know god damn well I could.

I want to become better at interacting with people. Last few months I've lost myself in just complete self indulgence. I won't go super into detail, but I think we all know what this means. Drug use, alcohol use, long nights on the internet avoiding sleep exploring the most degenerate shit man. The worst is after nights like that you can't look people in the eye, or have normal conversations. It just eats at you knowing youre not only wasting time but spending it on something so shitty and useless. Putting time off with family/friends to stay at home and waste time, I won't do shit like this anymore. When you fall into a rut like this, or whatever it is, all your relationships around you start to crumble. Then I wonder why I havent been in a relationship, lol. Well im done and hopefully by writing this It gives me strength to not fall back into that dark place and keep me on the right path. I will show I can support my family and I can receive their support as well. It will take time to repair these relationships, but If i dont start now I feel like they really will crumble forever.

This is basically my current mental state. I don't know if this even fits this subreddit but I hope it does and if not feel free to inform me. The purpose of this is to show that, I am on the path to self improvement, its all I care about right now. Being better than I've been in the past month. Better than I was yesterday, because if I dont change my life now I'm legitimately scared what I will do or where I will be 5 years from now. If you actually read all this, thanks. If you have any thoughts, please let me know. If I sound stupid, let me know. If I sound like all im doing is crying and complaining, please inform me. You have any videos I can watch on improvement, including mentalities/mindsets/meditation please let me know. Im open to anything. It took me about 2 hours to write this in between calls. As I hit post I'm going back to coding and planning on working on my first project immediately tonight. Guess i'm saying this more for myself than anyone.

Thanks for reading.

-Just

Submitted November 10, 2018 at 11:22PM by StoicJust via reddit https://ift.tt/2z213YJ

#IFTTT #reddit

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