#my mic is too wack for this rn

[noxtivagus]

ARGHHHH WHY DO WE HAVE TO SING FOR ATTENDANCE

[ssamie]

epilogue. “your girlfriend’s kinda hot”

kozume kenma x fem dazai!reader

(bsd x hq)

tw: mentions of suicide and suggestive themes + dirty jokes

masterlist.          suicide freak!

"hey uh, welcome to my stream i guess" he said as he spared the camera a quick glance "im not really playing tonight because an incident has recently occurred in this household" kenma said with a tired sigh 

nobody else knew it, but the said 'incident' was y/n accidentally setting half of their living room on fire 

the reason? apparently, she wanted to try burning herself to death in the furnace. obviously, it didn't work. and all that's left from that is more shit for kenma to clean up and a trip to yosano-san. 

kenma is stressed. and y/n is still alive. both of them are facing problems. 

"can you please wear a maid outfit- no."

kenma shook his head as he continued playing, glancing at the chat once in a while to read the veiwers' questions and comments

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: how about cat ears?! 

user: ^^ cATBOY CATBOY CATBOY 

user: u suck at this game wtf

kuroo.tetsu: hey kenma ;) 

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

"first of all, i do not suck at minecraft thank you very much" kenma scoffed 

"second of all, go away kuroo. im still mad at you" 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: LMFAOOO kuroo what did u do?? 💀💀

user: he probably broke kenma's pc 

user: PLSS he's the one kenma’s throwing shade at on twitter 

kuroo.tetsu: STOP THE SLANDER 😔✋🏼

user: rooster head lookin ass 

user: ^^ NOT THE HAIR 

kuroo.testsu: 😃😃

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

kenma sighed as he continued building a cute little cottage. he was currently vibing, just building y/n a cute cottage for her to probably burn later on. 

and he decided it would be nice to go on stream since his oh-so-lovely girlfriend was still out for work. 

ah yes, kenma has somehow kept y/n alive all those years. 

barely. 

hence why his phone was being bombarded with messages from her, all of which being blurry selfies. 

the photos had her sporting a huge grin while atsushi panicked in the background. 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: ayo, ur phone's blowing up 

user: do you have a girlfriend? 

user: KODZUKEN LET ME SUCK UR TOES 😋😋🤩

user: ^ ayo chill 😃

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

kenma simply ignored them and continued on with his task. all was going well until a loud slam was heard. his cat-like eyes widened as he heard a familiar voice singing from downstairs, it was undoubtedly y/n. 

kenma chuckled nervously and muted his mic. 

but of course, cute dumb catboy didn't actually mute his mic. haha <3

he ignored all the questions in the chat, all of them being  speculations that he has a girlfriend. which he does, but they simply did not need to know that <3

"kenma~" she yelled out "i have a surprise for you!!" she said, followed by menacing giggles. 

kenma glanced at the camera before hopping off his gaming chair and peeking his head out of the door. 

"y/n, im streaming!! stay down there!" he yelled out in panic 

"aw, you're playing hard to get aren't ya?" she chuckled 

kenma deadpanned as he saw her limping up the stairs, with her bandages torn and unravelled, same with her clothes. he didn't really think much of it since this is usually how she comes home. 

its most likely just due to work and/or another suicide attempt.

"so, kenma.. you'll never know what just happened to me today" she started off with a goofy grin 

"im streaming, atleast let me turn it off first-" 

she paid no mind to him as she peeled off her ruined coat and pointed to her poorly bandaged stomach

"i got stabbed!" 

"you got what?!"

kenma furrowed his brows as he immediately rushed over to his side, cradling her face and waist as he inspected her injuries

"are you okay, kitten?" he asked worriedly 

"yep, apparently it wasnt deep enough to be fatal" she sighed dejectedly 

"please don't be sad about that." kenma groaned "can you undress?" 

"ara ara~ whats this?" she cooed "you're getting real bold, kenma" she smirked at him 

she unbuttoned her shirt and started pulling down on her skirt "but since you asked so nicely-" 

kenma simply sighed and shook his head. "i was gonna prepare you a bath but now im considering leaving you here to die" 

"but the second option would've been better though" she smiled at him 

"oh my fucking god." 

kozume kenma. (22)

╰─▸ university student, stock trader, pro-gamer, youtuber, ceo of bouncing ball lpt. 

╰─▸ y/n's struggling boyfriend. definitely needs a pay after all he's been through.

╰─▸ currently panicking because his girlfriend got stabbed.

l/n y/n. (22)

╰─▸ operative/member of the armed detective agency. 

╰─▸ kenma's girlfriend. kinda dumb, very hot to compensate for it. still hasn't died yet. 

╰─▸ currently bleeding and wounded. also hoping for severe blood loss.

"kenma, did you know" she mused in a teasing tone "lack of sleep and too much stress could possibly lead to poor memory and lack of awareness" 

kenma looked up at her with a look of confusion. he was currently kneeled down before her while she was sat on the bed as he cleaned her wound up with a damp towel. 

"why are you telling me this?" he asked 

"i just thought it probably applied to you" she snickered 

"why? i didnt forget anything-" 

he cut himself off with a huge intake of air. he slowly turned his head to look at the screen which still had his stream going on. to make it worse, the camera was on and they were both clearly in the camera's field of view. 

to make things worse worse, his mic was on the whole time and the live chat was in shambles. 

"i hate it here" he sighed 

kenma laid his head on her lap as he continued on patching her up, honestly not caring that this whole scene was being recorded for thousands or millions of people to see. 

"well, atleast the internet could finally see my beauty before i die" she laughed 

she ran her fingers through kenma's hair as he grumbled under his breath. kenma was a pretty private person. he made sure not to overshare, given his current 'influencer' status. and he was planning on keeping his relationship a secret, though it seems he can't do that anymore. 

"might as well say hi" she shrugged 

so of course, she then decided to walk up to the camera looking utterly dishevelled and roughed up. 

for context, the newly wrapped bandages around her stomach was being stained already by a crimson red hue and it was only getting worse the more she moved, undoubtedly messing up her wound. 

"hi, im kenma's girlfriend and if i see you flirting with him i will make you regret it" she grinned 

"y/n!" kenma groaned from the bed "you're close to dying right now, turn the stream off" 

ignoring him, she proceeded to read the veiwers' comments, laughing at some of them while she joked around. 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: heLLO?!?! 

user: GE HAS A GIRLFRIEND NOOO

user: bruh, did i just hear that right? were you fuckin stabbed? 

user: ur kinda hot tho

╰─���━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

kenma furrowed his brows as he reluctantly walked up behind her, reading the comments with varying reactions 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: well damn, hot bloody girl comes in and suddenly im lesbian

user: kenma looks so done

kuroo.tetsu: hi y/n ;) 

user: HER NAME IS Y/N

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

"jesus christ shut up, kuroo" kenma grumbled out with a sigh 

"yup! yup! im y/n, and no, i am not a criminal. i swear." she shook her head 

"i got an injury from my job, that's all." she cleared up 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: tangina nyo sana ol

user: MSKAKAKKA

user: THIS IS LOWKEY ICONIC

user: time to scratch another gamer boy off my possible bf list 😔

user: girl wtf happened to u

user: that's wack bro 🚶‍♀️

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

"great question, random person from the internet!" she beamed "see, what happened was.." 

"i went on a certain mission and got severely injured. though, when i called for help nobody responded" she said 

kenma furrowed his brows at her words. "why didn't anybody respond?" he asked. she sighed and fiddled with her torn bandages, pouting her lips as she does so. 

"well, when i told them that i was finally on death's door, all they said to me was 'congratulations!' and all that.." she said "what's your take on that, hm?" she asked kenma 

"im not surprised" he said 

she grinned at his words and leaned in for a kiss. "you're so mean to me, kenma~" she whined 

she licked her lips as she held his blushing face in her hands, she nuzzled their noses as she leaned in closer to him. 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

kuroo.tetsu: oh shit 😳

user: we all know where this is heading ;) 

user: sana ol talaga punyemas 

user: AYO CHILL 

user: why we goin so fuckin fasstttt 😳

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

kenma hastily turned the camera off as soon as y/n's lips touched his. 

"kitten, were still- hmph-" 

he was only silenced as she slipped her tongue in his mouth, smirking lightly as she ran her fingers through his hair 

"thanks babe." she said as she pulled away, giving him a soft peck on his cheek and a nod "anyways.." she hummed as she turned the camera on once again 

she looked through the chat while kenma slaps his face to get rid of his blush. 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: ur fuckin freaky 

kuroo.tetsu: oya oya 😼😼

user: MS MAAM I JUST MET U AND I LOVE U ALREADY WJABSJSJJS

user: not me blushing chiiilllleeeeee 🏃‍♀️

user: KENMA IS FLUSTERED

kuroo.tetsu: kenma, i didnt expect this from u 😼

user: im so fucking JEALOUS GRR😡

user: girl r u bleeding rn 😃

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

upon reading a certain comment, she subconsciously grazed her fingers against her bandaged wound. her eyes slightly widening as she felt a concerning amount of wetness seeping through

she glanced at kenma who was still calming himself down and inspected her wound 

"oh my.." she muttered, though she couldn't help but let a smile slip through 

so like any normal person would do, she simply ignored her bleeding wound and the fact that she was getting a bit lightheaded. haha <3

"anyways, let's answer some questions!" she beamed 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: what's ur full name

user: what's ur job miss girl 

user: are you possibly looking for a gf, because i am more 

than willing to take the spot 🚶‍♀️

user: how did you meet?? 

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

"alright, those are all very nice questions" she chuckled. kenma, who's now calmed down, sat down beside her to look at the chat. 

"first, im l/n y/n" she mused "nice to meet ya" 

"second im a detective! mhm, im cooler than your fathers" 

"third, it depends, belladonna" she cooed as she sent the camera flirty smirk "are you perhaps willing to join me in a double suicide?" 

"oh god.." kenma grumbled. he pouted at her and shook his head in disapproval. "don't flirt with random girls" he whined 

"why not?" 

"uh- because i am your beloved boyfriend, is that not good enough of a reason??" 

"... anyways, we met at a cafe way back in high school" she said with a smile "also, i asked him to join me on a double suicide" she said 

she was smiling and nodding as if it was the most normal thing in the world, all while kenma nods along 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: wtf are u okay 🗿

kuroo.tetsu: teenage romance 🤩

user: cute ❤️

user: im concerned ❤️

user: ur a detective?? cool

user: LMAOO I'LL GO ON A DOUBLE SEWER SLIDE 

WITH U MOMMY 😩😩😋

user: ^^ SAME 😩

user: CHOKE ME WITH THOSE BANDAGES MOMMAE 😩

user: u r still bleeding 🚶‍♀️        

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

kenma was simply glaring at the chat as more compliments and flirtatious comments came flowing in, all of which were directed to his girlfriend. 

"this is why i didn't wanna let people know about you.." kenma grumbled 

"aww, why not?" she asked with a playful pout 

"people are flirting with you." he sighed "also, stop asking for my girlfriend's onlyfans! she doesn't even have one!" he snarled

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: LMAOO CATBOY IS ANGRY 😩

user: y/n-senpai spit on me 😡😡

user: drop the onlyfans 

user: chupapi munyanyo 😩

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

"anyways, i'd hate to ruin the mood" she chimed in with a sluggish giggle "but im so wet kenma" she whined out 

a menacing smirk was etched on her lips as kenma spluttered in response, a bright red hue covering his face almost instantly as he faced her with widened eyes 

"y-y/n! why would you say that?!" he whisper shouted 

"cuz i am" she whined out as she grabbed his hand and trailed it down her abdomen 

she faced the camera and gave them a shit-eating grin as kenma mumbled out incoherent words 

"y/n we should-" he cut himself off as he felt the concerning amount of blood drip down his whole arm 

kenma's face paled as he looked up to see her smiling like a kid in a candy store, completely unbothered. 

"y/n, you idiot! why didn't you tell me!" kenma exclaimed 

"um- my girlfriend is bleeding. excessively. so uh- bye i guess" it was all he said before hastily ending his stream and turning off his computer. 

"y/n, let's get you to a hospital" he said as he reached down to carry her away. though she simply slapped his hands off and closed her eyes. 

"nope. this is my time, kenma. don't ruin it for me" she said 

"you're fucking dying!!" 

"well, would you like to join me?" 

"no"

"damn." she muttered in response 

"so...wanna fuck?" she asked sheepishly 

"for the love of god-" 

this was so messy :/

[winstonhcomedy]

How’d Winston Do Last Night? 10/31

Last night was a spooky night of salacious comedy. I definitely had a moment last night where I was probably at my scariest.

Last night was Home Sweet Home and I don’t think that’s an open mic I’ve had the opportunity to talk to you all about. It is every first, third, and fifth Wednesday of the month in Richmond.

 It is hosted by my really good friend Jacob McFadden. Jacob used to run an open mic at a spot called Pie before it closed down. I unfortunately never got to do that show, but I try to get to HSH every chance I get. 

Jacob is a really strong comic who unfortunately isn’t out as much as he used to be. I’ve booked him on some shows and he always follows through with a strong set. Right now he is going through a super tough time, because his baby niece passed away suddenly. This was the first time I’d seen him since then but he did seem in good spirits but def more somber than usual. I don’t usually do this, but if your heart compels you click this link and donate money to the ASPCA in her name. I know it would mean a lot since she absolutely loved animals! 

https://www.gofundme.com/gopupmezsuzsi?fbclid=IwAR2CF2kq1dFs8Uvt5d__gP6L3GW7CuNEUC8jIFHE37pjCXKZSm1IO9bPVhs

Thanks guys!

HSH is a grilled cheese restaurant and bar with an upstairs loft area where the comedy shows take place. Everybody gets about 5 to 7 minutes, and there are never any content restrictions. The crowd can be hit or miss, but it is usually a productive mic. 

I got to the show last night dressed as Calvin and Hobbes, and got to chill with Francesca Lyn and her boyfriend/good friend of mine Clay Shoaf. Fran had mouse ears on and Clay was wearing a graphic hat, bit jacket, and was carrying a joke book of “hilarious one liners”. 

Clay used to come out and do comedy a lot more, and in all actuality he was the very first person in the Richmond comedy community who was not only nice to me, but that I considered a friend. He also performed on the first Clash of the Comics that I was on.

When Clay was going up every night and really hitting it hard you could always expect some interesting and funny takes from him. He is definitely a comic who modeled himself after guys like Doug Stanhope, but the difference is unlike most of the people who try to copy that style; Clay had a unique take and strong joke writing ability. There were countless times where Clay would bomb don’t get me wrong, but even then I always looked forward to hearing what new shit he had to talk about.

Since he has put comedy on the back burner for the last year or so I’ve come to really appreciate when he comes out to mics. When he is out it usually means something inventive/weird/offensive/wild is going to happen. Which I always love to see.  Clay isn’t everybody’s cup of tea and I fully understand that. But there is literally nothing that brings me greater joy than seeing a group of new comics see Clay Shoaf for the first time.

It was kind of a light crowd but nothing too bad. The people were a little talkative, but they were into it. Danny Dunlea went first and didn’t have the hottest set. People were still shuffling in, and seemed disinterested.

Next was my set. Jacob likes to have fun with intros so I got brought up as a white nationalist which was exciting. I did a little light crowd work and got some good pops then started working on my jokes. I referenced Jim Crow and a dude was like too soon, I told him a white guy dressed as Kanye West for Halloween doesn’t really get to make that call.  That got a good laugh and I kept doing my material. It went well. Definitely felt like I started to get them into it. I ended with a brand new joke, and it went well. I’d give this set a B-. It was fun and spooky!!!!!

Afte me was Francesca. She did a sweatiest I gave her and it went ok. She got some laughs out of some interesting premises. She had a good line about Lunchables and Andes Mints, and she closed out about how she only sleeps with Wiccans. All in all pretty good set for the crowd.

After her was Clay. Clay was doing a character called Comedian Big Lil’ The Comic. He was a grizzled hacky road comic. He came up shit on the room a bit, sat down, and read out of a joke book. By the end of it he was pitching his bumper stickers, and begging people to buy from him. It was a great character and my favorite set that I got to see of the night. He had sunglasses and a ridiculous hat on and it just sold the whole thing. 

After his set my buddy Bryan Williams went up and did ok. He talked about how small his dick is since he is asian which is a joke he knows I hate. It got some laughs, but he’s a new dude who is still struggling to find himself on stage. He talked about being Bi which is my favorite thing he talks about because he doesn’t look like a stereotypical bi/gay guy. He will figure it out, but he’s always a good hang. I love the dude.

After him was Mu Cuzzo. Funny new comic who was trying to work out his crowd work. He is doing ok for 2 minutes until he points to a girl in the audience and starts talking about her “slutty” outfit. She took this to mean He thought she was a slut so she got up and is yelling at him for being rude and calling him a slut. It was crazy uncomfortable. It was also hilarious to see someone who has their ass cheeks hanging out arguing the differences between her “naughty” schoolgirl outfit and a “slutty” schoolgirl outfit. She wasn’t crazy or mean, and she went the route of trying to embarrass him. Telling the audience, “I hope you laugh at this man’s jokes. He’s a bad man.”

She left and took her bf with her, and Mu kept doing crowd work. Rule #1 of crowd work is ladies don’t like being referred to as sluts. It was a good learning experience for him. Crowd work is a lot harder than most comics give it credit for. 90% of comics who shit talk it do not have the ability to do it. Joke writing is amazing and important but crowd work is a difficult and important skill to master.

During this whole thing I walk upstairs and caught Bert Martling going through my stuff and flipping my backpack inside out again. I had already told him that if he did it again I was going to fight him. I had reiterated this several times over the past couple weeks. 

I caught him while he was in the middle of it and Mu was still on stage. So I just started yelling at him. I got so heated, and it was the angriest I’ve been in a long time. Bryan and Francesca were right next to it when it was happening and they looked mortified. Especially Bryan. The look on his face was hilarious.

I don’t like resorting to yelling, but that is a super personal boundary to cross. I legit carry everything in that backpack. I have my MacBook, my headphones, all of my joke books, my glasses, my wallet, and lots of stuff from work including drawings from my students; and quite honestly I don’t want or think anyone should go through anyone else’s bag. That is an invasion of privacy, and super messed up. Especially after already saying it was off limits.

Now some people are going to be like, “that’s not a big deal Winston. I don’t know why you’re freaking out rn.” Well screw you guys. I had to leave last night because I double checked in the bag and one of the drawings my students made got ripped when he was doing it. I had to leave or I was going to absolutely lose it again. 

To me it was the equivalent of going through a lady’s purse. It’s such an invasion, and a line that in my opinion shouldn’t be crossed. I can legit take a joke about anything. You can joke about me, my joke, my family, my religion, who I date, what I believe in, and I will laugh right along with you. But if you invade my privacy like that I am not going to be ok with it, and quite frankly I don't think anyone should be.

After this happened I watched Jameson Babbowski do a weird ass set as a Geraman dude with a ridiculous hat. Like just a wack wizards cap. He had a Bose speaker playing some German techno song but it was so low literally no one could hear it. He had fun, and it was super weird. This is the kind of thing I love to watch. People did not get it, but he committed. 

So I left and Bert eventually sent me an apology message and I accepted it and moved on. I don’t hate Bert, I’m not mad at Bert (anymore), and I don’t even dislike him. I just felt violated, a boundary had been crossed, and I didn’t feel respected as an individual or a man. I accepted the apology and he and I are on good terms now. 

After leaving I got about 7 or 8 messages from people asking about it. Literally nothing travels faster than gossip in the comedy community. I love all of my fellow comics, and I love all of you laydees/baybees!!!

This was a dramatic but fun night. Tonight I”m off to Baltimore and can’t wait to hopefully have a good show. I’ll be back to recap tomorrow. LOVE YOU LAYDEES!!!!! xoxoxo KISSES!!!