#my mental illnesses and control issues make me excel at stuff like packing and planning

[mer-se]

what’s friendship if not using your ocd for good (last minute packing your friends entire luggage and carry on bag for her trip)

[junker-town]

50 miles by foot: Running through anxiety

Paul Flannery

During a pandemic it helps to have a plan.

The way my anxiety works, I typically start with the absolute worst case scenario — an accident, a death — and then work backward filling in the gaps until I’m constructing eulogies in my head for people who are very much alive and wondering how I’m going to parent my child without my spouse. Anxiety likes to bring depression along for the ride, which feels like a comfort until it becomes a slow-moving fog that overtakes my mind and body.

Needless to say, my anxiety has been working overtime lately. Having already envisioned the worst case scenarios of the Covid-19 pandemic, I’m left with a choice. Let my anxiety run wild, or do my best to remain physically active and mentally strong. It won’t be easy, but I’m relying on training to be my guide.

Training for an ultra is an intense journey of discovery. There’s a reason trail runners say it’s like training for all of life. Each run presents obstacles to overcome and every problem offers a solution. Every time I feel like I know the answers, I’m reminded that there is always more to learn.

Over the years I’ve had a lot of questions about my mental and physical health. In the coming days, I’ll be talking to people with a lot more experience than me and sharing their stories and wisdom. And I’m going to keep running for as long as I can.

I am not suggesting that exercise alone is a cure for anxiety, depression, or any other mental health issue. But it sure does help. Other things help too, like yoga, meditation and listening to the Grateful Dead. (I’m currently working through ‘74 on Relisten. The Fresno show is a monster.)

My family, who rule, have been a constant source of love and support while we wait this out together. I’m fortunate, and I’m reminding myself to express gratitude for all that life has given me and continues to give me every day.

Still, nothing gives me as much joy and peace as running outdoors alone in nature. I went out for a run the other day, waking up before the sun came up and hitting the trail just as dawn was breaking with the moon still hanging overhead.

Like everything else, I worry about how much distance is enough, even out here. I made visual contact with about nine other people over the course of two hours, including five runners spread out in a pack practicing safe social distancing measures. When I saw others, we said hello, a rarity in New England, and gave each other a six- to eight-foot berth.

I don’t know how much longer the trails and outdoor spaces will remain available, but I’m going to continue using them safely and responsibly for as long as my health permits. With schools closed and my usual routine disrupted, keeping a training schedule also provides some measure of normalcy.

I’ll work on backup measures if that changes, but I’m mentally preparing for that possibility now. If women in Afghanistan can train for the Gobi Desert March by running the same stretch of pavement day after day, we all can make do with what we have.

I’ll also be smart. There is evidence that runners are at greater risk for illness during intense training periods and after stressful competitions like marathons and ultras. So, again, it comes back to balance and perspective. I’m taking precautions, such as washing my gear as soon as I come home and giving myself extra rest after more intense workouts. (This piece from iRunFar provided excellent information for runners and non-runners alike.)

I have a race scheduled for April that I’m assuming will get canceled. Regardless, I’ve already let it go. If race day comes with no race to run and the trails are still open, I’ll knock out a self-supported long run on my own like I do every Sunday.

When I embarked on this journey at the beginning of the year, my goal was not about setting personal bests or competing in my age group. It was about reaching my potential. That nebulous idea has come into focus during this period of doubt and uncertainty.

While I continue to train, I’m also going to emphasize the following areas.

Sleep seven to eight hours a night.

Eat healthy food.

Exercise at home.

Practice self-care with yoga and meditation.

Wash my hands like my life, and your life depends on it.

All of this is basic stuff, but it’s amazing how long it took me to figure out that those simple guidelines we learned in health class are so fulfilling and sustaining.

Beyond that, I’m going to try to keep things simple by focusing on the things I can control. Whether I’m running, working, parenting, or making dinner, I’m going to give those things my undivided attention and not get sucked into the vortex of chaos that surrounds us. That’s the goal, anyway, and I don’t expect any of this to be easy.

Short of a vaccine, the only thing that will get us through this time is empathy and compassion. I’m going to remember to express gratitude every day for my health and the health of my loved ones while looking to help out my community in ways that are practical.

Food banks and shelters need money. They almost certainly need healthy volunteers to help distribute and deliver food. Outdoor spaces will need help maintaining trails and picking up trash as they become more crowded. Make some calls. See what can be done in your area, safely and responsibly.

And I’m going to continue writing this diary. My hope is that it helps you as much as it does me. After all, we’re all in this together.