#my mental illness has got me messed up lol

[chaelinsbitch]

.

[gracieheartspedro]

Your Needs, My Needs

I : Strawberry Wine

a masterlist of how you can help gaza

the prelude to this series

pairing: cowboy!joel x f!reader (no outbreak)

description: joel fixes your toilet but you can't help but yearn for more time with him. so you invite him to dinner and try to win his stomach? aka love?

word count: 3.2k words

warnings: there is no smut in this part. still MINORS DNI! no use of y/n! vague talk of reader's old life before texas, no real description of the reader, reader does have anxiety/mental illness that is not fully recognized/diagnosed, mentions of eating food, reader lives alone, reader got MONEYYYY, mentions of joel's ex wife (gasp), alcohol consumption, smoking cigarettes, kissing, flirting. all the fluffy stuff <3

author's note: hey...hey.... how y'all doing?? i'm so so so sorry this has taken so long. my life has been crazy for the last like 4 months and I'm finally getting settled into my life again. I miss y'all and I miss writing, so HERE I AM! I'm hoping everyone who wanted me to tag them months ago is still cool with me tagging them 4 months later lol. okay, lemme know what you think xoxo

Joel comes and goes for days. The first day he returns, he inspects your toilet again and tells you he has the wrong tools. You discuss a game plan and by his initial projections, your toilet should be fixed the next day. But when he fails to come by in the morning, you decide to call the phone number on the post-it note he left for you the day before. 

The phone rings and you get an answering machine of a younger girl telling you to leave her and Dad a message after the beep. When the line lets out a long ding, you breathe out the random croak in your throat. 

“Uh, hey, Joel, it’s me. Just seeing if you’re stopping by today. If not, that’s fine, I’ll be home all day today and tomorrow. Okay, uh, bye.”

Hours go by and you find yourself pacing, regretting your decision to leave him a message. What if he gets it and thinks that you’re crazy? 

Ever since you had made his acquaintance, you felt completely reliant on interacting with him. It may be due to the fact that you haven’t socialized with anyone else in months. You were very good at isolating yourself, but lately, it’s been eating you alive being so alone. Now that you had this big house, the silence felt almost too quiet. Joel’s southern drawl and straightforward responses gave a bit of light back to your life. 

Around dinner time, your landline rings. You practically fall over your couch racing to pick it up, hoping it was him. 

“Howdy neighbor,” He grunts through the phone, “Sorry I didn’t come by today, hope ya didn’t miss me too much.”

You let out a dry laugh, trying not to sound too giddy about him following up with you. You were borderline pathetic. 

“No, I just wanted to make sure you were still alive,” You manage to get out, “You are still alive right?”

“Still kickin’, just busy as all get out. ��M fixin’ to head to your place now if you’re not busy.”

You look down at your pajamas and start to nod. It’s not like he can see you through the phone, but you are reacting to his words like he’s right in front of you. 

“Sure thing, I’ll leave the door unlocked.”

-

“So… It’s really just you here? All by your lonesome?”

He’s messing with his toolbox, searching for the one tool he needs to fix the toilet. You stir your fresh brewed tea, ensuring none of the sugar clumps up at the bottom of the mug. You had offered him some, but he politely declined, telling you that he had a big dinner.

You take a sip, testing the sweetness. “Just me. How about you? Just you and your daughter, right?”

He laughs heartedly, turning towards you from where he’s squatted. You look at him with curious eyes, unsure if you asked the wrong question. He stands up, a wrench in his hand, a smile still spread across his face. 

“Her mama left town with her new boyfriend about 5 years ago. Wanted the city life, not the life I gave her. It’s been just me and her ever since.”

So he’s single. You think to yourself. 

You realize the laugh was probably because of how absurd and new it must be for someone to ask him about his life. He grew up here and you are positive everyone here already knew all about his business. You are a breath of fresh air for him. 

Before the silence becomes awkward, you speak up. “City life ain’t worth a shit.”

“Yeah, she’s different. Won’t speak ill of her ‘cause that’s my bosses’ mama. She sees her now and again. They are just very different.” 

The conversation comes easy with Joel. While the first couple of interactions you two shared were a bit strained, after days of small talk, you realize he’s the truest Southern gentleman you’ve ever interacted with. Polite with a little bite. He never speaks ill of others, except his brother. He loves to pick on Tommy. He seems like an attentive father. He loves to pick at you, always pointing out your Northern tendencies. Your horrible driving. Your accent and your speech patterns. But he’s also very complimentary. A couple of days ago, he remarked how nice your perfume was when you were standing close to him. It made your heart skip a beat. 

And on top of all of those things, he’s very easy on the eyes. 

“That’s mighty fine of you not speaking ill of your ex,” You try to drag out the silly Southern saying, which causes him to chuckle again. You smack your lips before continuing, “Wish I could do the same.”

You are not sure what he’s doing to the tank of your toilet, but you watch him strain to get a piece out of the corner with the wrench he has. He clenches his teeth, turning the piece to the left to loosen it. 

“Exes are exes for a reason,” He grunts, fiddling with some more things in the tank, “I ain’t too hung up on datin’ right now. I got my girl and my horses.”

“And now you got me, your annoying neighbor who almost crashes into your horses and asks you to fix toilets.”

He breathes out loudly, “Yeah, ‘nother pain in my ass. Just what a man needs.”

-

The toilet is fixed too quickly. You had busied yourself with other small cleaning tasks that when Joel finds you in the kitchen doing dishes, he startles you. It took him about 15 minutes to finish the job and you had thought you could at least finish up the dishes you made from dinner. 

“‘M all finished up. Gotta get back home to do some rounds at the stables,” He says as he waltzes over to your paper towel holder. He grabs a sheet and begins to wipe his damp hands, “Anythin’ else for me today?”

You turn off the running water, going down a list of fixes you could ask him to do. You decide it’s probably best to just ask him to swing by another day to help you with other things. 

“No, thank you though, Joel. I am sure I’ll be by to ask for more help,” You chuckle, shaking your hands dry, “I owe you dinner or something.”

As you say it, it feels like all the air leaves your lungs. He’s staring at you and there’s a glint in his eyes. You are not that good at reading people, mostly because you are deathly afraid of being wrong. His eyebrows raise as he leans against the counter near you. He’s so close and in your space, but you try to push the thought of him coming onto you out of your mind. 

“What’do you got on the menu tomorrow?”

His voice is kind of husky which makes your brain draw a blank. You wipe your hands on your pants before crossing the kitchen to check your fridge. You glance through your ingredients, settling for the only dinner item you can conjure up that his southern palette may like. 

“Baked chicken and vegetables?”

He nods, tossing his paper towel into the bin beside you. “Yeah, I've been needing a home-cooked meal. Think I could come over at like 5? Tomorrow?”

You recollect a time when a guy showed interest in wanting to hang out with you outside of work. It had been years and he was not nearly as attractive as the man in front of you. 

You nod slowly, trying not to look too robotic due to your nerves. “Sure thing, cowboy.”

-

You did not know what to wear. You contemplated going into town to see what the local boutiques had but you ran the risk of Joel seeing you out. You didn’t even know if this was a date. 

You settle on a sundress you have owned since high school. It’s the perfect length and while your mind goes to wanting to impress Joel, you also need to be comfortable. 

You cleaned your house, adding some new decorations to your living room walls. You even clean your sheets and make sure your bedroom is vacuumed. 

When the time comes for Joel to arrive, you pace the kitchen anticipating the doorbell. You already had all the food prepped and ready to put in the oven. The vegetables have been cut and seasoned. Everything was just the way you needed it to be. 

Joel gets there 5 after your scheduled time. When you welcome him at the door, his hair is styled and you can tell he put on his “fancy jeans”. 

What you didn’t expect was the bouquet of flowers he had in his hands. 

“Afternoon, neighbor,” He begins before extending the floral arrangement towards you, “My girl said I had to bring you something nice. Somethin’ bout being a gentleman.”

You smile widely, giving flowers all your attention. Even with the fragrant bouquet, you get a whiff of his sandalwood cologne. 

“Nice to see you cleaned up for me, cowboy. Come on in, dinner is about to get put in the oven.”

-

You catch him scanning you up and down when you place the spread of chicken and vegetables on the table. He was in the midst of talking about his daughter and her band fundraiser, but he completely halted when you took notice of his staring. 

You settle into the dining room chair across from him, waiting for him to continue, but he doesn’t. 

“She needs more sponsors?” You break the silence, wanting to move away from the sudden awkwardness. 

He swallows, reaching for the serving fork, “Oh, yeah. She needs to reach a certain goal to go on her senior band trip.”

You try to avoid his wandering gaze again, focusing on organizing your plate of vegetables. “Where are they going?”

“Disney. She ain’t never been out of Texas, so she really wants to go.”

You remember all the trips your family said they’d go on to Disney, but they never did. Your father could not stand being around his own children, let alone other people’s children. You think about how he used to complain about your constant questions, all the times he completely ignored you for your brother. You start to spiral, the anxiety creeping up in the back of your throat. You push your chair out from under the table, excusing yourself for a moment. You go to the bar you have set up in the living room and grab the only sweet wine you have. Strawberry. You grab two glasses from the top of the setup and walk back to Joel. 

“Forgot wine,” you mumble, setting a glass in front of him, “You want some?”

He is already picking at his chicken, “Yeah, I’ll take some.”

You are quiet as you uncork it expertly, pouring it into each of the glasses. Joel watches you like a hawk. You can tell he’s trying to read your expression, so you try your best to remain neutral even though your hands are shaking. 

You place the bottle in the middle of the table, making sure it’s easily reachable. 

You finally sit back down, sipping the red liquid. The strawberry flavor isn’t very strong, it’s more like a hint of the berry. You had gotten the bottle from a roadside stand in Kentucky. An older lady who must have owned a vineyard nearby was selling them for $5 each. You told yourself you would only use it for a special occasion. This event seemed fitting. 

Wine always makes you flushed, but you are always a bit flushed around Joel. Even more so when he’s watching you so intently. 

After a couple of sips, you finally rest your shoulders and begin to eat your dinner. 

“I could sponsor her,” you finally say, returning to the previous conversation. For some reason, you felt obligated. Joel quickly retaliates, shaking his head as he chewed on your roasted veggies. 

“You ain’t gotta do that, doll.” 

The nickname rings in your ears. You take another sip of wine. You can tell Joel notices your reaction because he smirks with his mouth full. 

“But I want to, Joel. I’m sure she has worked hard her high school career, she deserves to have fun.”

He hums, but still shakes his head negatively, “I can’t let you just pay for-”

“You can and you will,” You enjoy another bite, smirking at your defiance towards him. He looks perplexed. “So when is this fundraiser? Is there like a dinner or something?”

He finally caves, “This Friday at the school. It’s a dinner and auction. I guess if the kids don’t find their sponsors, some local businesses are willing to sponsor them.”

“Are you going?”

“Yeah,” He cuts up his chicken, “I guess you’re gonna come along, too, if you’re givin’ my girl all that money.”

“Does a check work?”

He sits back in his chair, already finishing off his wine, “You seriously don’t have to-”

“What are neighbors for, Joel?”

He nods, “You mean friends.”

You furrow your brows, trying to let your hazy mind find a time when you called him your friend. This was a new development.

“Friends, huh?”

He pours more in his glass, “Well, I’d like to think so.”

The wine is hitting your system and you realize your arms feel lighter. You grab the stem of your glass and tip it up to down the rest of the alcohol. Joel’s eyes are trained on you, waiting for a snarky response. 

“Do friends stare at other friends like that?” You pour more wine for yourself. You realize he’s done eating so before he can respond to your flirtation, you speak up again, “You done with that?”

He looks down at his empty plate, “Yes, ma’am.”

“Yes friends look at other friends like that, or you’re done eating.”

He grins, “‘m done eating, doll.”

-

You two find your way out to the rocking chairs. They were left there by the previous owners and you could tell they were probably as old as you. 

You had another full glass of wine, sipping it as Joel lit up a cigarette. He admitted it was only a bad habit when he was drinking, which was rare. “Sarah gets onto me when I have even one beer. So this has gotta be between us two.”

You swirl the crystal, watching him carefully take a drag of the stick. “Your secret is safe with me, cowboy.”

He giggles as he lets out a huff of smoke. “I haven’t had secrets in a long time. Guess I’m lucky it’s with the town stranger.”

The statement hits you in the very pit of your settling tummy. You furrow your eyebrows, leaning forward towards him. Your chairs are not that far away from one another, so this is probably the closest you have ever been to him except for that one moment in the kitchen. 

“Luckiest man in Texas that’s for sure,” You muster, averting your eyes. You could not stare into his beautiful brown eyes for too long. “Having the privilege of getting me out of my head. No man has done that in years.”

“What? You not good at letting loose?”

You shake your head, knowing that he did not understand what you meant. You take a moment to inhale, finally glancing up at him again. “I think I may just be cursed.”

“Now, why do you say that?”

You contemplate spilling the beans. Letting your heart fall onto your sleeve after years of shielding it from anyone who looks your way. Your lips part, but no words come out. It’s just the sounds of the cicadas. 

“As soon as something is good, it gets bad somehow. I don’t even get a moment to savor it.”

You feel the statement down to your bones. The last time you felt settled in your own life, the rug got pulled out from under you. You cannot remember a time when you truly felt present in a special moment. You always felt like you were floating outside of your body, watching things happen and never really truly feeling anything. 

You don’t expect him to lean closer to you, “Whatever happened before you got here, you ain’t gotta worry about it anymore. You obviously put distance between you and what happened for a reason. Let this little side of the world be your home now.”

You push your spiraling thoughts away, letting him be right. 

“I’m workin’ on getting settled. It’s easy when you have a handsome cowboy to help along the way.”

It comes out like word vomit. Between the wine and the nerves coursing through your entire being, you can’t help but admit your little crush on the man. You slap your free hand over your forehead, admitting defeat before he can even respond. You knew he would take the comment and run with it.

“You always flirt with your friends, sweetheart?” He was toying with you, which was a good sign. If he wasn’t interested, he wouldn’t call you such a thing. 

You smile, releasing your face from your hand. His eyes are tracing every curve of your face, a subtle pass that you did not capture quickly enough. 

“Only ones that fix my toilets.”

And then, he kisses you. It happens so quickly, that you don’t fully grasp that it’s happening until you're molding your lips into his. Once your buzzed brain picks up the fact that the man you have been crushing on is kissing you, he pulls away. Your eyes are still closed, your hands still gripping onto your wine glass. 

He huffs loudly and stands up quickly. Once you place your eyes on him, he’s pacing around the back deck stairs, not too far from where you’re sitting. You instantly bite back the urge to ask him what’s wrong, because there’s always something wrong. 

“‘M sorry, sweetheart. I should’na done that.”

He instantly regretted it. The thought made your throat tighten. He continues to walk back and forth, causing a draft. 

“It’s fine, Joel. I’m n-not mad.”

He shakes his head, halting his robot-like movements. He finally looks at your pitiful expression and lets out a long sigh. “I don’t think I’m much of a gentleman, kissing you on the first date.”

You watch as he places his hands on his hips, contemplating his whole life right before your eyes. You realize he is too traditional to see that nowadays, people are sleeping together on the first date. First base is nothing. You rest your glass on a decrepit table next to you and stand up. 

You slowly approach him, trying to catch a glance from him, but he continues to avert his eyes. You grow bold enough to tilt his chin towards you, letting your guard down for a moment. 

“You’re such a gentleman, it hurts,” you whisper, slowly letting a smirk grow across your face. The comment makes his shoulders lower, finally relaxing from such a heated moment. 

“Just don’t wanna mess this up with ya,” He murmurs, only letting you and the nearby fireflies hear you, “I enjoy spending time with you.”

You slowly lower your hand to your side, trying to act casually about the confession. But the truth is you want to run and wake up every cow and horse within a 10-mile radius with a squeal of delight. 

“I like spending time with you, too, Joel.”

He takes your hand as you say it, bringing your knuckles up to his lips. His breath is hot on the back of your hand before he says, “Well now, I quite like the sound of that."

taglist (some of y'all can't be tagged, I tried lol)

@midnightdragonzero @casssiopeia @anoverwhelmingdin @notsosecretspy @raindrcpsangel @art-estrange @misstokyo7love @lizzie-cakes @d1lf-loverrr @ashleyfilm 

@blckbrrybasket @cande-beggins @gloryekaterina @lilyevanstan1325 @frogtape @jamesdeerest @mellymbee @arrowsandanchor @polishedtaylor @harrieandharassed @ranahx @youwouldntdownloadapizza @jmillersgirl @wintersquirrel @stefanibear003 @joliettes @startsm00n @abbsfrommars @76bookworm76 @youotterbekiddingme @jodiswiftle

[genericpuff]

wait wait wait, regarding that Minthe post, you're telling me that Rachel literally wrote the character as having BPD.....and portrayed her as an abusive mean piece of shit??? WOW. fucking WOW. sorry for being so angry, but even if she "retconned" that - it's still so god damn disrespective. as someone who has BPD it hurts so much to see my mental illness villanised :(

ugh I'm so sorry pal. and I don't blame you for being angry about it, like I don't even have BPD and I'M fucking pissed LOL like I can understand why Rachel might have wanted to backtrack from that knowing fully well that Minthe's story wasn't gonna have a happy ending, but writing her with BPD in the first place and then BACKTRACKING from it as soon as she likely got heat for it (or just realized it wasn't a good look) isn't much better because it means now all she's done is written the stigmatized negative effects of BPD into her character without showing the more positive outlooks of healing and managing. Maybe that was doomed to happen considering Minthe is someone who doesn't get a happy ending in the myths, but it begs the question of why she'd write her with BPD to begin with because in hindsight it really does seem like she just wanted to use it as a way to make her "evil".

But like, when you read the actual episode, you can SEE the potential there for character growth, you can SEE that she's aware of her actions - but doesn't understand why she's "like that" which is a VERY common feeling among people with undiagnosed mental illnesses - but it was never meant to be.

Like jfc not only is it HEAVILY IMPLIED, but again, the episode is literally called "Splitting". And we see exactly that with Minthe, who can't seem to rationalize with herself that she messed up.

But... that leads me to another point that I failed to mention in that first ask response: she DIDN'T mess up. Like, yes, she messed up by escalating it to the point of slapping Hades, but it wasn't her fault that she didn't make it to her date with Hades. Whose fault was it?

Continuously throughout the first season we see Thetis being an awful influence who manipulates and gaslights Minthe. They're "friends", but it's clear Thetis does not have Minthe's best interests in mind. In this very scene we see Thetis manipulate Minthe and even attempt to get her so drunk that she won't be able to show up to her date. And then of course when that plan works and Minthe freaks out, Thetis spins it around on Minthe in a very passive-aggressive way.

But of course, the narrative has to find a way to turn this whole thing on Minthe being the bad guy. Hence we get the slap which shifts the focus entirely away from what led up to it back onto Hades who has, in a lot of ways, put her in a situation that she can't control. And of course, being in those kinds of situations does not help with mental health.

Like, sorry, I'm really going off here now, but... the slap happens in Episode 76.

When is it finally addressed again? Episode 103.

It took Rachel nearly THIRTY EPISODES to finally bring it back to Minthe, and in that time the reader has spent SEVERAL EPISODES reading about how sad and lonely Hades is, and about how cute and lovey he is with Persephone. The reader has not had ANY time to reflect on Minthe's circumstances, because it completely pivots away from her to focus on H x P as a sort of distraction from the fact that Minthe is a victim in her own right.

And when it DOES return to Minthe in 103, we get this harrowing reminder that her entire life is dependent on Hades-

And once again, here comes Thetis to the "rescue", reinforcing the negative feedback loop that Minthe is trapped in where she's put in unhealthy situations. She drags her to a bar and the whole time Minthe is not having fun because she's understandably still reeling from what happened.

Now we DO get some character development here, where Minthe realizes exactly what I've just finished explaining, that Thetis isn't her friend, that she'd rather not have Thetis as a friend than continue being talked down to and manipulated.

But then, as we know, because Rachel still needs Minthe to be the "bad guy", the breakup between Hades and Minthe winds up being all about Persephone from a POV that attempts to villainize Minthe for being "jealous" (rather than focusing on how shitty Hades actually is for having an emotional affair with Persephone to begin with) and then Minthe goes right back to hanging out with Thetis anyways for the sake of having the "evil other girl" who wants to "ruin" H x P's relationship.

It's not until Season 3 that we finally see Minthe tell Thetis to fuck off for good, but by then it's too little too late, and Minthe has lost an entire character arc. Rachel tries to go "see! Minthe's life is so much better now that she's taking care of children!" but that's an entirely different solution to a problem Minthe never had. She never got treatment for her BPD. She just got away from H x P which, while is a good thing, isn't actually analyzed as such. It's treated more as a "good thing" for H x P and the readers, because now they don't have to be subjected to Minthe's evil scheming anymore, something something "the evil is defeated". And don't even get me started on this comic's problem with constantly resolving female characters' story arcs through motherhood.

It bums me out so fucking much. Minthe deserved so much better. She's one of the many characters in LO who make it so painfully ironic when they're done dirty, because despite Rachel's attempts to write a "feminist retelling" that focuses on "moving on from trauma", she's inadvertently done more damage to feminism and the stigmas around mental health and trauma through her assassination of grounded and realistic and relatable characters like Minthe and Demeter who are shown ZERO empathy or understanding for their actions (unless it can be done so by making Persephone and Hades into the heroes). It happens so often throughout the comic it almost feels like how the comic markets itself as a "progressive feminist retelling" is some sick joke that I'm just not getting.

[geodraws04]

PKMN ScarVio DLC AU ~ Possessed!Kieran

Just finished the page for my contribution to the good ol’ Toxic Chain theory :OOO

I recently finished the Teal Mask and finishing up the Indigo Disk DLC and while i really did like the fact that Kieran’s actions were all his own and makes him a much more realistic/relatable character, I am feeling a little robbed we didn't get a possessed!kieran + i really did not like the direction they took w/ Mochi Mayhem. I felt like it was WAAAY too silly/comedic for my tastes (if you liked it more power to you tho!), and wish we had more lore/backstory and involvement of Pecharunt and the Loyal 3 respectivally.

so i wanted to try killing two birds with one stone and try to mash ID and MM together somewhat! So heres some sketches and concept stuff ft. My PKMN!Violet sona. And also make this AU ANGSTY AS FUCK-

im not a comedy/crack/silly person when it comes to stories involving manipulation/mind control type of stuff because i just get second hand embarressment for those under doing wierd stuff while not aware so if your looking for a “silly haha!” AU with this type of concept ive got bad news for ya… this AU aint gonna be for you-

Starting off… my design for when Kieran is fully possessed by Pecharunt!

I still really liked the fact that Kieran was like. FULLY aware and in his own mind/body during ID; so i want to keep that in this AU too - for the most part.

id like to think that once making a deal with Pecharunt and offering himself to it in order to become stronger, the little peach would slowly feed him mochi that would “numb the pain and guilt if he ever feels doubtful.” At the time of Pecharunt’s debut to the start of ID, pecharunt is extremely weak and thus, its influence isnt as effective or strong. However, when we meet Kieran again, he’s definately beginning to change. throughout the story, we see Kieran’s spiraling descent into madness as he becomes more intimidating and cynical.

i dont have a specific spot where hed have this outfit change, but ill figure it out lol.

However, i def think it would be a bit after his panic attack/mental break down when we defeat him. Since at this point he couldnt uphold his end of the deal with Pecharunt, it has no choice: he offered his body and mind to it to get stronger, but he couldnt keep it up. So now, he has to pay the price.

(This would be right after the Ex-Champ bit - fuck you Draydon)

however, instead of telling himself to get stronger like in canon… he mumbles something indescernable and unintelligable… and then he starts… laughing?

“K-Kieran…?”

“Uh… yo, earth to ex-champion… you doin’ alright-?”

Suddenly… he glares at us… no. He glares at you, tears streaming down his face but an animalistic and crazily wide smile is plastered on his face as he stumbles back up, hugging himself while letting out what one would think is the most maniacal, despairing, crazy cackling laughter one could hear.

That's when you see it - his eyes, formally a light yellow, now a bright yet darkly sinister shade of violet-magenta. The scrunchie he was wearing began growing two strings of toxic chains that waved around like tentacles, and lifted him up in the air like stilts, purple smoke filling the area.

what was happening… whats happened to Kieran.

no, whatever that was…

Thats not Kieran.

The bottom sketch is a small scenario i had in mind!

i want pecharunt to have a larger role so here they are! After returning the teal mask to me and carmine and running off, he stumbles upon an injured and weak Pecharunt, and secretly nurses it back to health. Behind everyone’s backs the two spark a friendship/partnership!

i like to think pecharunt has good intentions and did genuinely want to help kieran get stronger, but i like to think that the toxins it gave to Kieran not only began to mess with Kieran’s mind, but with Pecharunt’s too.

how exactly? No idea just yet lol- ill figure that out later on down the line lol. Along with the loyal 3’s roles in the story as well.

Heres a few for fun and more funny sketches i made to fill up the empty space lol-

also feat. Moi, yuma and shinigami jykghhfjhfdjhygjuy-

QUICK DISCLAIMER! IM NOT SHIPPING MYSELF W/ KIERAN SINCE HES IMPLIED TO BE A TEEN AND IM A LEGAL ADULT!! the DLC came out when i was 17; almost 18 (released a few days before my bday actually!)

i like to think that when this story and AU respectively take place, Kieran is 14 while im 16 turning 17 that fall in Teal Mask (Carmine being 18 or 19?), then in Indigo Disc Kieran is 16, im 18, and Carmine is 19/20. So me and kieran are 2 years apart, while me and Carmine are 1-2 years apart.

Its mostly because id like to think me and kieran’s dynamic is similar to a close friend i have irl and wanted to write it as such while retaining the canon story too. If that makes sense lol.

And one more sady drawing when kieran is freed from Pecharunt’s control!

i think i speak for everyone that we needed a scene where we hugged kieran after all the shit he’s been through-

justice for my baby boy kieran. :,,,))

AAAAAAANNNNNNDDDDD THATS ALL I GOT FOR NOW!!

what do yall think :000

any suggestions/ideas, critiques, whatever is on your mind about this AU is appreciated!! Im gonna get back to my remnant designs lol-

[xx-psych0-rabbit-xx]

Re: the zan post and her projection, i'd love to hear abt that one👀👀👀👀👀q

YEAH IVE BEEN WANTING TO TALK ABT THIS

so basically smth that becomes v notable looking through the in character tweets by zan regarding the other dream friends, is shes v competitive n has quite the ego abt herself:she can recognize n acknowledge others skills rly well but her conclusion is either "well im better (angry)" or "well im better (excited to beat them)", this gets taken to a new absurd when introducing adeleine, where she immediately starts talking abt how shes hiding behind her canvas like a child n therefore does not know ~the path of strength~ n can never beat a ~battle-hardened warrior like herself~, n then she proceeds to keep downplaying adeleine even when shes showing new skills n seems excited to fight her after noting ado n ribbon were dancing around like its showing her some kind of lesson.generally she seems to take anything she perceives as weak or cowardly rly personally

so i was thinking like.i feel theres smth to be said regarding her strength fixation? when you take her backstory of having attempted suicide at a young age into account? suicidal ppl often feel helpless n weak, specially when theyre again, v young, so i could def see this all started from her trying to cope w that through just becoming the strongest n most confident, specially when her role in the cult was hyness' choice, so hed likely be giving her a lot of positive attention from succeeding in combat, smth she seems to rly want (from one of her playable screens) bc she absolutely adores him n would consider his opinion n approval like holy words (kanji used in jp straight up implies she idolizes him n generally anything regarding her feelings on him is so extreme in the original text lol)

so her issue w adeleine is just.ados a weak child who hides a lot, which feels like looking at a mirror to her bc thats her spitting image of when she was like that, which zan absolutely despises bc she spent so long "fixing herself" from that n the only way she can rly process this is by projecting n thinking theres smth inherently wrong w adeleine so she keeps bringing it up n up n how much better she is until she.i dont know honestly i doubt shes going anywhere w this beyond trying to make herself feel better by deciding to fight her lol.iirc adeleine has a splash effect w some of her attacks which zan is extremely weak to bc shes literally kept alive by electricity so i doubt ados in any real danger of getting beaten up

which brings me to smth i wanted to bring up bc as always extremely amusing zan has this huge ego shes a super strong warrior when her boss fight is designed to have multiple oversights regarding safe spots or spots where shes vulnerable to attacks n in the jp pause screen its said she uses her speed to "toy" w her foes like shes so sure shes got this shes messing around for her own amusement n she throws a huge fit when she loses n blows up the station w the cults own allies inside n laughs at your face abt it.thats just so funny oh my god.shes not even as good as she claims n shes a violent sore loser abt it

oh n ig this makes her weakly calling to hyness for help when she loses the second fight hit even worse since shes so confident shes so strong but at this state shes resorting to believing hell save her again.thats lovely

tl dr zan partizanne wants to beat up a child bc like most kirby characters she has a weird ego but shes getting mentally ill abt it.idk sorry ado but hyness hasnt complimented her in like a week n shes getting unstable

[fayedartmouth]

Can I just say that im super excited that you are writing fics that focuses on mental trauma? I mean please dont get me wrong all of your fics have characters depth but it’s mostly filled with physical hurt/comfort and i still love them all, they changed my brain chemistry forever.

But I really got excited when you shared your thoughts on the best of the bad deal book 3 and your long fix it and when i saw there’s more focus on the characters mental aspects/trauma i lost it lmao

I already saw how you handle that aspect in the last chapter of surrender and it was perfect and I really can’t wait for more :)

I am incapable of being brief, so I'll put this under a cut to be nice to people who don't like to hear me ramble.

I love physical whump in ways I can't explain but there's something special about the emotional stuff. Especially with JJ. I honestly think that's the worst part of the way the show killed him off. The show took him to such dark places in S4 and let him get as low as he could get -- literally suicidal -- and then we're supposed to feel like he had a magic moment where he saved Sarah and he was suddenly okay again. Which -- no, no way. JJ rallied because his friends needed him and JJ has always been willing to be what his friends needed when they needed him. It's the only way he understands his own worth -- by what he gives others.

The show lets him die with that mentality, that his worth is only determined by his utility, and it never let him deal with his abandonment issues or any of the other traumas he'd dealt with. I sincerely believe his downfall in S4 was set up for his redemption -- so to have him die at the end was just devastating.

In the fix-it I have planned, JJ dealing with his trauma is a core element of it because I don't think, after all he's been through/done, that there's some quick fix. It's going to be a long slog because it has to be. It's messy and complicated with a lot of ups and down.

(In the first fic, he does hit rock bottom and becomes essentially the worst version of himself. In the second fic, he has to confront his demons and finally overcome them -- and it is a process. There will be a very depressed and withdrawn JJ who becomes increasingly more depressed the more he tries to act like everything is fine. He's a total mess, and blames himself for everything, the events of S4 only making him feel less worthy of his friends than ever. He goes to some dark places before he comes out on the other side. But again, the ending is happy and hopeful and sets up, lol, a third fic. There's also a long journey for Kie and her mental health, which is also a complete mess.)

I wrote Best of a Bad Deal before S4 came out, but the idea is a lot the same. JJ has PTSD from his illness -- but from so much else, too. He's finally willing to put in the work to deal with both and end up a happier, and healthier person on the other side. In Best of a Bad Deal Book Three, he 100% ends up in therapy and it's very, very good for him. He will literally get everything he ever wanted, lol.

Which is all to say, I will always write physical whump and it's what I love. But for JJ, the emotional healing is what he needs most and I hate that we were denied some acknowledgement of that before he died. It's not even that they killed him. They killed him so flippantly and acted like he got everything he ever wanted. I 100% believe that final speech was for Kie's sake only --because yeah, that's what JJ would do. He would look out for her first and foremost, because JJ cares about his friends more than he has ever cared about himself.

[sualne]

Listen as someone who has been obsessed with vampires like my entire life (but not in a ooh there sexy way its like the symbolism man of what vampires can mean) i am a huge fan of your op vanpire au.

I know you just made a post with lore (amazing art btw) but is there anything else about the au you want to talk about. Id love to hear everything

there's a lot of things i want to talk about the au!! im going to use the frantic energy from the year to get myself some bravery and say some of it is inspired by my own experiences with hallucinations and delusion (dont ask about it pls), with the au i want to explore what it would be like having the person who changed you being very literally stuck with you.

i love stories where characters end up sharing a mind and/or body, i also really dont like when its just good person vs bad person, nuance is a lot more fun lol. the relationship luffy and mingo will be forced into stuck as they are is something important to me. mingo is an awful monster but since he can feel everything luffy does he ends up trying to teach him how to live as a vampire, how to take care of himself. im also very found of the concept of parasite (they're literally the worst thing ever and so fucking scary, so naturally they keep coming up in my stories).

it's also about luffy's body and mind failing him, because of the mindlink he has a hard time knowing where he is, sometimes who he is, what is relationships were supposed to be with others, it gets complicated for him! how hard it is to go through one's daily life when your sense are all messed up! (mingo also struggles with that a bit, but this isn't about him, even thought it's new for him too he get used to it much more easily for plot convenience).

other's ppl reaction to the situation also, i feel, completely unconsciously was also incidentally inspired by my own fear of being seen as a monster or dangerous, something to be put down or locked away!

there's also a few jokes in that lore post that reflects this here:

bugs are a pretty common brand of hallucination, be they crawling in the corner of your sight or inside you, making you feel like a walking hives, this was a funny reference to that!

"surprisingly he doesn't start biting people or become violent." this is my not very subtle "mentally ill and neurodivergent folks aren't inherently dangerous pls stop killing us". the occasional euphoria from bloodthist is vaguely inspired by some manic episode, the happy kind.

there's more, about the way this is about trauma and feeling alienated, i guess this is also a "character realize they've got a disorder/develop one and now has to live with it" kind of story.

[anonzentimes]

i find it honestly kind of insane how misunderstood komaeda is online like maybe its because i did his ftes on my own playtrough but just from playing dr2 once to me he never felt like a "uwu hope boy" or a "hope obsessed male junko", he just felt like his own guy with his own reasons that have nuance and arent bound to black and white good or bad mentalities, and because i got all of that from 1 playtrough i honestly thought nagito was not that hard to understand and now i see people boxing him on one or the other and i just sit there like did we play the same game ???????

im also someone that overthinks a lot and wants my interpretations of characters to line up with canon as much as i can and i dont dare to talk on the internet about characters i dont fully grasp so its bonkers to me how many people are so openly completely missing the entire point of nagitos character........

It really is annoying how some people completely miss his character or think he has to be stuffed in specific categories, part of what makes his character so great is that he cares so much and is so sweet but is morally gray when it comes to his absolute beliefs/obsessive coping mechanism but even in the end his moral grayness doesn't have ill intentions. He's messed up by the circumstances of his life and the diagnosis also impacts things, he's still a really sweet boy who cares a lot and all of that is a MIX. Nagito is basically the moral grayness added to Danganronpa 2 that makes its messages more impactful and interesting. Nagito is practically a parallel to both Makoto and Hajime, and with his own sweetness and personality, problematic coping mechanisms from circumstances/luck cycle, and appearance it creates somebody completely new and wonderful. Somebody who's Super LOVABLE!!! In fact Nagito is so easy to misinterpret that the Wiki actually says "He's revealed to be a psychopath," which kind of undermines everything about him as well as isn't actually correct to the definition of a psychopath >:(

also the male Junko thing is inherently wrong because his mindset is completely different and Junko is also well written in her own way, the crazy eyes make people think of it or make jokes about it but it's just completely wrong Lol. Nagito loves Hope and believes despair is absolutely NECESSARY for Hope. Again, more of a parallel to Makoto, Not Junko. And then for the whole "uwu" boy it's like, c'mon dude. I know you didn't say these and are indeed agreeing with annoyance with these statements but I get annoyed too so I wanted to add a mini ramble about it too HAHA!

Anyways, I guess overall I just wish people could enjoy him with completely understanding him more, It feels really good for me at least. Probably because he's the biggest special interest i've ever had in my life and mere mentioning him gives me happiness, but I digress I think he doesn't have to be put into specific boxes. Good people can do bad things, he's a complex character with a lot of depth. In a weird way his character is definitely over the top fantasy from the franchise being that way, but what Danganronpa does is make that feel real. In that aspect Nagito feels realistic with how he isn't just black or white.

thanks for your ask and thank you for letting me ramble on my birthday <3 :D!!!!!

[youplush]

Diego! + a lil health update below the cut :)

TLDR: CT scan soon, maybe surgery? POTS is getting worse. No more physical therapy for my wrist. My ankle is messed up, I can't walk properly anymore. Endometriosis has been relatively peaceful... And I start therapy for my brain on Monday!

🩵🧸

Getting a CT scan on Halloween night. Hopefully that will show something and I'll know whether or not I need another surgery!

My POTS has been getting worse still, ever since surgery in July. Been fainting a lot. Feel like crap all the time. Waiting to see cardiologist until after I know what's going on regarding the CT scan.

Physical therapy is over. (Insurance won't cover any more sessions.) My wrist still bothers me a lot. Can't really use a pencil yet. Gonna continue exercises at home for a while to see if it ever improves.

Ankle has been getting worse steadily since summer, and it gives out a lot. I now walk on the side of my foot instead of the bottom. Bracing hasn't really helped. Might need to see my ankle doctor... (I suffered an OCD lesion in my ankle after being abused in a mental hospital a long time ago. I did have the first surgery and it went well. I don't want the second surgery unless I truly need it.)

Endometriosis has been surprisingly calm??? I still have daily pain in my belly, hip, back, and leg... But it's bearable as long as I don't move around too much. :) I did however have my first period in YEARS a week or two ago, which made it super bad. The period is actually why I was in the hospital! Period only lasted 8 days but the pain was horrible. My previous period lasted 9 months, so I was very happy to have a much shorter one this time. I'm really hoping my next one doesn't put me in the hospital though.

I start therapy on Monday!!! I am very nervous. It's virtual therapy like a FaceTime or Zoom call. There are no therapists for me in my area so that's why it's virtual. She specializes in BPD according to her website! So I'm really hoping she can help me. Usually therapists just give up after a session or two, because my emotions are too extreme lol. Or they just tell me I'm autistic so they can't help smh. I filled out the paperwork and there was a section about physical chronic illnesses and pain! So I wonder if she could help me process like the grief that comes with that stuff? Y'know what I mean? Like grieving a life I used to live before I got sick.

Yay thank you for reading if you did! It's okay if you didn't read it though :) I mostly did this to get my thoughts out. Like a journal!

[robintherobiner]

Thoughts, explanations, and all that shit i had while writing my latest oneshot

Stand up comedians do NOT make good kidnappers - Robin_The_Robiner - Batman - All Media Types [Archive of Our Own]

SO first up the name. Where did it come from? God knows. I started this fic like ages ago, wrote Steph's first section, and then promptly forgot about it for three months only to come back and scribble the rest out. I dont remember how i came up with the name, but i still think its hilarious so,,

Who is Cassowary? This universes Robin, duh! Since Damian was the first, i thought he'd go for a more intimidating bird. These birds have really sharp claws, and leave wounds similar to those of a blade. Huh. Who do we know who is really good with a sword? Exactly 😎

Writing Steph was hard because I don't know her very well, so I may have projected onto her a little bit (hence the excessive death jokes 😅). I hope it came across that Steph is a detective, like Bruce, but that she's doesn't lazer-focus on that stuff like him. Thats why she focuses on describing Junior at first, not the room she's in or the fact she's chained up. She knows these things, but she only brings them up when relevant. What good is wallowing over being chained up when you could be making fun of your kidnapper, huh?

I'm a bit worried that i didn't make it obvious enough that there is time between Steph's and Bruce's sections. Thats why when we finish Steph's third bit, she's shitting on Junior for dressing like the Joker, but then in the final bit, she's aware that it's Tim. The parts aren't happening at the same time, or right after the other. I hope that was obvious, but im not sure.

BRUCE'S BIT!!! I saw a post once saying that Bruce separates his personas very hard, and i really liked that. When he's talking about Batman, it's only referred to as Batman. When he's having more emotional thoughts, it's Bruce. And, of course, when he's dealing with Crystal (who i don't know very well so probably wasn't well written MY BAD YALL), he's Brucie. The guilt is in all of them, though. Fun stuff!

A big part of Stephanie and Bruce's relationship in canon is, from what i can tell, tense because of the way he treated her when he first met her. BUT in this fic, it's a bit lessened because Steph chalks his shittyness to the fact that he recently lost a son. Also, i think in canon a big part of why Bruce refused to get close to Steph was because of how she reminded him of Jason, which obviously isn't a problem in this universe. Bruce and Steph are still tense, but this time she has the eldest kid on her side pretty easily, cuz Damian feels guilt over Tim LOL

The death!! It's not overly explained, but I do have Tim's death all planned out and shit. It's a mix of the Joker Junior scene from Batman Beyond : Return of The Joker, and then also a little bit of canon. Instead of Bruce being out of Gotham, like in the film, it's that they have an argument. Similar to Jason and Garzonas situation, in how Bruce is angry at the thought of his partner killing, but more so using the Boomerang arc from canon (Tim wanting to kill his Dad's murderer)

Junior's mental state is wild. I'm not writing him with any particular mental illness, mostly because I'm not at all knowledgeable enough to portray something correctly. Instead I'm basing him off of Joker Junior's intro scene, and also me during some of my darkest moments! It's not Pit Rage (i don't lie how much the fandom pushes that onto Jason, similar to the Tim-Doesn't-Sleep idea in which it wasn't canon but then it got popular and was made so, i think) and instead just a extremely traumatised 17 year old!

The teaparty scene was put in there because I wanted Tim to have a hobby that he could share with his mom (because god knows everyone hates Janet because they mess up her character and only look at fanon) and that also can be used to show his mental state. Hence, collecting figurines, and playing with them! Yippee! Thanks to my pal Leo over on discord for suggesting this hobby!! (it was originally stuffed animals but I thought Batburger toys would work better)

Damian and Duke both were the first kids, instead of Dick and Barbara. Instead of Batgirl, we have Batkid, and then instead of Oracle, we have Signal. Damian is Shrike, because that is the most common hero name I see for him and I couldn't think of another. I may go back and change it to Nightwing, because I like the meaning of the name, but it would come from Superboy (Jon) instead of Superman in this universe, so maybe it comes later on? Not sure. need to think on that!!

Drake Manor was, in canon, only bought after Jack woke up from the coma. But, i decided to take the fandom route in which the Drakes always lived there, simply because timeline wise it works better for me. Also in canon, Jack doesn't need the wheelchair by the end, but for my fic, he's not out of the coma long enough for that. I also added a fun basement which defo doesn't exist in canon, so just turn a blind eye to that!

If you saw the original post, you'd know that Bruce was supposed to find Steph through a series of taunting clues. I changed my mind though, because I'm not good at clues, mysteries, or cases. So, a gift with the address is sort of dissapointing, but who cares?

Steph's feelings about Tim are sort of iffy. A really popular headcanon is that Jason was Tim's robin, and thats not true. I'm pretty sure Tim just,, didn't care about Jason? Idk exactly how he felt, but whatever. Steph doesn't hate Tim, in this fic, she just sort of hates how he was as Cassowary. Bruce is full of guilt and won't say a bad word about him, but has plenty of criticism for Steph, which leads to a sort of resentment. He was Cassowary though, so there is also some adoration in her heart. Basically, she switches how she feels about him depending on the situation.

Jack and Robin. In this universe, Jack doesn't know Tim is a superhero. Tim does still take a break, but it's to spend time with his dad after he awakens, not because he's threatened. Dana also (unfortunately) isn't around in this fic, so Jack has more time to spend with Tim. It's sort of a win-lose situation though. More time with Tim so they get closer, but without Dana to calm him, Jack's little bouts of fury are stronger (remember how he fucking ripped out a TV??) so their relationship is more strained, which is why Tim does go back to being Cassowary, just for a bit, before his dad dies.

Hints are sprinkled in Steph's bits that tell on Tim's identity. Not many, because I'm really bad at hints and subtlety, but there are a few. Mentions of shock burns (the electrocution duh), Zesti instead of tea (which is Tim's canon favourite drink, not coffee!!), and his wish that Steph stops being a hero.

Tims motivations are a reverse of Jasons canon ones. Jason forgives Bruce for not saving him, but is mad he wasn't avenged. Tim forgives Bruce for not avenging him, but is mad he wasn't saved. Aint that fun? Thats why instead of beating her up, Tim kidnaps Steph for three days to resemble the three weeks he was held captive before he died. Yippee, allegories! (i think that word isn't right, but i can't think of the right one??!! english is HARD)

WOW i had a lot of thoughts and explanations and shit for that oneshot, huh? 🤭

[akaakeis]

sav the terriblest thing has happened......... i joined english coaching.............

okay its not that bad the guy was my ninth grade english teacher and hes kind of a w

i also found out my current english teacher is mentally ill and not one of her students got 90+ in english like..

#notmepls

ANYWAYS

this Means that i shall be offline when ur usually first online during the day on sundays tuesdays and thursdays throws up

ive alr been so busy and i was like omg #textingsav and then i realised we probably wont talk today and also the only time we'll talk is

wait omg no school tmr we WILL talk tmr which will be ur today

the way im just. rambling in ur inbox but its ok bc ur u and im me #neverdoingthisanywhereelse

next thing . wait i forgot im remembering

oKAY remembered 👍 ERM i got like a. 68 on my english test and apparently this mentally ill woman marked it wrong and i shouldve gotten an erm. wait calculating. at least an 88 LIKE GIRL WHAT THE FREAKKKKKKKKK

in other news erm why i cried in the last four days list .

i love my sister

i love my friends

english grade

teacher yelled at me

there was no garlic bread at home

i got disconnected from dti

i didnt want to get up and change

the electricity cut off five times and i couldnt play genshin properly

tumblr wasnt loading

86 eighty-six

hashtag periods i love periods

in other news i also love maths like i WAS a maths girl i AM a maths girlie i will always BE a maths girlie it is THE subject of all time and if anyone disagrees then they're wrong (unless it's u because what can i say. i always agree with cute girls🤷‍♀️)

also like i said id tell you about the smau but literally erm. i forgot.. what was supposed to happen.. i have two lines ill dm them to u or something 😭😭😭😭 WAIT I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING ELSE AND THEN I FORGOT IT IM GOING TO SOB.

OH YES spilling school tea

our chem teacher used to tutor this one girl and he flirted with her mom at 1am on wahtsapp and facebook and then his wife divorced him😭😭

this one girl's picture got taken. like a norm picture. and then her bf and some people fought over it. like physically. at coaching. LOL INSANE

english physics and chemistry departments of our school are failing everyone is underpaid and leaving

my english teacher is senile but we mentioned that already i think

ANYWAYSSSS UNINTENTIONAL YAP ASK I LITERALLY JUST CAME HERE TO SAY IM MORE BUSY THAN BEFORE LMFAO. look where we are. oh omg im so #scared #excited #terrified for us w/o u part 2 thats flipping SCARY IM SCARED anyways how are u? feel free to yap in the answers if u do answer it and uhhh take care stay safe love u mwa mwa dm me whenever

LINA MY LOVE!! this is gonna be long i fear. oh dear.... ok so english coaching is not fun good luck with that 😕

well at least the guy is cool ‼️

im sorry but lowkey... #wbk about that one i fear!! I ALWAYS THOUGHT SHE WAS A LITTLE MENTALLY ILL? IS THAT JUST ME OR

anyway if u dont get 90+ in english send her my way I WILL FIGHT FOR YOUR GRADE SO HARD you deserve a good grade!!! i can tell you've been putting in the effort + im proud of u!!1!!1!1

NOOOOOO WE WONT BE ABLE TO TALK AS MUCH 🙁 lwt me think so today is thursday and youll be on on mondays wednesdays fridays + saturdays as normal presumably? THATS OKAY i usually wake up latw on thursdays because i sleep late and its a whole mess... i was nearly late this morning harhar ANYWAY POINT BEING WE WILL STILL BE ABLE TO TALK TO WE'LL BE GOOD

girl me too <//3 was so locked in on tuesday you should've seen me writing my article for the magazine + writing out the rest of my speech and finalizing ITS SO BUSY RN ICB IT

these timezones are confusinf me hello i am so lost as i read this! 12 hrs apart w you ahead is all ik regarding this

ANYWAY WE WILL FIND TIME AND WE WILL MAKE IT WORK ITLL JUST TAKE A MINUTE FOR ME TO FIGURE IT OUT

its okay i live laugh love for ur asks actually im sitting in my room smiling as i type out this reply to ur ask... inbox yap hour MY FAV

A 68 IS ACTUALLY INSANE GOODBYE how did she screw up the grade so bad 😭 she can catch these fists for that one LIKE HOW DO U GET IT 20% OFF THIS IS NOT A CLEARANCE SALE MISS!!

HELP all of these reasons are equally valid 😞 periods really get me fucked up fr i think im about to get mine too smh

that is SO valid lina math is honestly a good subject 🙂‍↕️ not my fav but i honestly enjoy the class cause it's 1) simple for me 2) my tablemates are so odd to the point of being hilarious and 3) my teacher is gay and we found his grindr profile so i always giggle when i think about that HAHDBDN so math class is just heaps of fun

NOOOO I WAS SO EXCITED TO HESR ABT THE SMAU U NEED TO SEND ME THE TWO LINES U HAVE SOON!!1!!1!1 STOP I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS BUT IT HAPPENS TO ME SO OFTEN ITS AWFUL

ok THE CHEM TEACHER??? wow okay so thats crazy! HIS WIFE DIVORCING HIM TOO PLEASE SO DESERVED everyone point and laugh!!! L man!!!!

HELP WHY WERE THEY EVEN FIGHTING IF IT WAS JUST A NORMAL PICTURE THATS SO WILD?? 😭 like guys its not that deep </3

WHAT. so like is this hyperbole or is literally everyone going to leave bc of being underpaid and whatnot CAUSE THATS SO BAD 

senility✊😞 what a trooper/j

ITS OKAY I ENJOYED READING ALL OF THAT!!!  PLEASE PRIORITIZE ALL YOUR STUDIES THEYRE THE MOST IMPORTANT <3 I HOPE YOU DONT BURN OUT FROM BEING MORE BUSY THAN BEFORE BC I KNOW I DEFINITELY DID WHEN I HAD VOLLEYBALL.. SO TAKE THINGS EASY AND DONT STRESS YOURSELF TOO MUCH PLEASE!!! ILY ILY ILY!! oh okay so us without me pt 2 is probably gonna be BAD BAD cause it will b talking about how he was actually in love w eden since BEFORE he had moved and all that so itll be extra angst talking about before he had moved 😸 basically timeskips briefly showing how he gives you less and less affection as the time he leaves draws near AHAHAH ITS GONNA BE BAD

+ im alright!!! no homework for once in a blue moon so im sitting here relaxing i feel so good rn <3 i have an iced matcha latte and a cake pop I AM LIVE LAUGH LOVING

so i dont have much to yap about at this moment but i just got back from school SOOOO ill yap about that!!

starting off strong i woke up an hour + 15 mins late and had 20 minutes to get ready and eat... i was almost late this morning BUT i have fitness first thing in the morning on my a-days (we work on an a/b schedule!!) and my teacher always comes late to that!! so i had time to dress down and i BOOKED IT to the weight room + made it!! in that class we basically just do weightlifting + my usual partner wasnt there bc she had a golf tournament... so i was with some of my other friends for lifting!! was kinda thriving bc my other partner usually does heavier weights + they did lighter ones SO I WAS REALLY REALLY FAST W MY SETS i was very proud!!

then i went into second period (i have bio) and we were doing a lab where we examined some cells in onions, tomatoes, + the inside of our cheeks (ew) but basically we had to group up and im not rly fond of one of the girls that r in my group cause she doesn't talk much she just squeezes in to look through the microscope so it annoys me 😞 ANYWAY THE LAB WAS LIGHT WORK GOT IT DONE IN 30 MINS and then i had like an hour of free time after that so i asked for a hall pass and i roamed the halls for a bit 😸 after that i have to go to advisory + i was just helping people w math hw and doing some of the nyt games to kill my boredom (oh and drivers ed stuff!!)

at lunch i was just sitting with some of my friends and playing imessage games with them 😭 then we went into the gym and played volleyball for a bit!!

after lunch i had geo and i was taking notes like a madman i fear... dk if ive said this before but like ohhh man everyone makes a point of telling me how small my hand writing is its so annoying 😭 i heard that three times during class today and i was literally done LIKE STOP LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE ‼️

theeeen i had my speech + debate CLASS not to be confused with my club!! i already finished my oratory so i just played games the entire period 😻 lots of fun would recommend!!! i just hate the teacher cause he's always telling me to go back to my seat WHEN IM HELPING HIS STUDENTS CATCH UP ON WORK like ok! sorry for trying to help you fix the mistakes you made when teaching them how to make their speeches! goodness! my bad! anyway hes my opp 😒

AND THATS MY DAY!! anyway take care stay safe i love you!!! MWAHH <3

[gabrielsbubblegumbitch]

So I'm sure you've noticed I've been stalking ur blog lol

When I saw this post it actually kinda resonated with me.

https://www.tumblr.com/gabrielsbubblegumbitch/747324251353300992/i-saw-so-many-alastor-ruined-vox-takes-but-how?source=share

I'm Asexual aromatic but Flirting, touching, and other things that can be taken as romantic are purely natural to me. For me it's never serious just another way for me to show interest and have fun with friends. This has actually lead to issues with a few friends in the past. Unknowingly my blind ass would have people genuinely romantically and sexually interested in me and I wouldn't know. It honestly does feel confusing, and in the strangest way violating when you find out. (Can't think of a better word than violating but I don't think that quite gets the feeling across.)

With the way you phrased it actually made me more understanding of how Alastor can just push Vox away, and resonated with me lol.

Put in the same situation I would likely do the same. I'm not just going to change how I talk or act around this person because they have feelings for me, but I can't ignore/forget that they do.

Unlike Alastor though I am a people pleaser so I did try to enter into those relationships and I safely say it would've ended up so much worse for both Vox and Alastor.

Acting flirtatious/romantic is so very different than actually being interested.

At first you follow the classical steps of romance, dates, flowers, I love yous, you do that with friends too, but physically touch suddenly becomes more uncomfortable. Which could explain why Alastor has a "I touch you, you don't touch me" policy, unless your Nifty/Rosie of course!

Everything that person who 'loves' you does however begins to feel annoying, suffocating.

Alastor feeling claustrophobic, uncomfortable, and confused suddenly because this person who was a good friend suddenly wants to get together would instantly push him away. FORCE Alastor either looks at his own actions or views Vox as some perverse person. Therefore any ideas he might have like new technology come from a perverted place.

Obviously I'm not saying that Vox being interested in Alastor from a romantic angle is automatically perverse or wrong but with how much he values his autonomy it definitely feels weird for someone to WANT to be tied down.

I have a lot of thoughts but it is late so I'm just rambling and have way too many thoughts! I do hope you could more or less make sense of this mess! Thank you!

I'm sorry it took me ages to reply but unfortunately I'm mentally ill and for the las few weeks, putting together a coherent response was too demanding :c But I don't like leaving asks unanswered.

I could make sense of this rambling! Actually it's more or less what I had in mind while writing the original post. I'm autistic so I often miss the fact that people are attracted to me + sometimes things have different meanings for me than for most of people (e.g. lately I said something that made someone think that I want to be romantically involved with them, they rejected me, things got extremely weird and I did my best to explain to them my true feelings but I'm still anxious that they might think that I lied to save face) and I'm aromantic. So I get what you mean with that unreasonable feeling of being violated. It is completely unjustified and I hate feeling that way because I recognize it as utterly unfair toward the other person, who is not hurting me in any way but I can't help it.

So, I can imagine that Alastor - who hasn't been though years of therapy and may not be the most self aware and emotionally open person - could feel very bad with Vox's feelings. Especially when Vox is not above manipulation and gaslightning, and probably doesn't take rejection well so thing could get nasty pretty quickly.

[finniestoncrane]

Just out of curiosity, does turning off anon mess with or delete the anon asks you already have? Or does it just prevent new ones? I haven't been on tumblr very long so i'm not sure how that works lol. Anyways, i'm so sorry you keep getting this horrible treatment from anons. It really sucks that people use anon as a shield to say whatever they want to whoever they want with no consequences. If it's any difference, i'm pretty confident most of them are trolls, especially the anon attacking you about autism and hating kids or whatever. Because there's no way someone could possibly be so dumb. Do whatever you have to do to eliminate that stress, and take care of yourself!!

i don't think it does at least!! i've still got all my messages and all my requests are fine too!! so it's just preventing new anonymous messages from being sent u-u i'll be turning anon back on at some point, but i just need time to recover. i need time to build up my supply of kindness and to get myself out of my little funk.

i don't care what kind of intrusive thoughts anyone has, they shouldn't be judged for them because they are unwanted compulsions and not a reflection of their character or morals. but to be very honest, the intrusive thoughts i was having the day i got a shit message about them were mostly around harming myself which i know would hurt my family, which is why i felt so shitty. and it's why i sort of spiralled a bit because i was already not in a good place. and then to get an ask the next day basically accusing me of gatekeeping autism and saying kids were terrible (i literally do not mind kids, i am ambivalent towards them at worst, at best i am excited to be an aunt) was just enough.

so sorry to hijack your ask but this is mostly to say: there are consequences, even if anonymous people think there are none!! you literally have no idea how the person behind the account is feeling. i consider myself particularly strong, i've been mentally ill for some 31 years and i'm so lucky to have a decent support system and to be able to get medication and therapy. someone else might not have fared as well as me with that kind of treatment. no one wants to be responsible for someone doing something terrible to themselves

but anyway!! i am feeling ok, i am feeling safe without the anon option for now, and i'm glad to be back to trying to post and write as normal u-u

[johannwolfgangvongoethe]

modding/chara building diary

just realized i can just post truly anything. this is sort of ffxiv posting but not really. this is also sort of enstars posting but not really.

this exists so i can look back on it <:) a lot of this probably makes no sense to most people, sorry.

uhh i was kinda into modding ffxiv two years ago. then i stopped because the community around this is full of the most unsympathetic people you will ever meet, and that was honestly just very demotivating. but i play ffxiv regularily and its rather fun and easy to mod. and thats illegal!!! btw!!!! (no one care)

so since enstars has hurt me one too many times and there is no hope for things to get better, i am coping (or not) and grieving terribly by making a seeker catboy who isnt really koga but has all the parts of him that are important to me and that i enjoy.

yeah idk if this is productive either. but its not doing any harm probably. ffxiv as a game has its ups an downs but i find the universe to be very very easy and fun to build around.

idk. im just having fun with it for now.

ive been meaning to make an NA alt and replay some of the early game at least (i started in... 2017? its been so long. man.) and this seems like a perfectly nice vehicle to do so :) and while that happens, i can maybe organically learn about the pretty-much-OC i am trying to build. but out of perfectionist ambitions, i had to mod everything into place first.

i have decided on a name but i ueuuueeehhhhughhhh >publically naming your characters when youre a modder. so i will say "W" for now. basic lore thoughts i knew going into this:

he needs to be a tia because i like catboys and theyre all vaguely gay loner nerds and incredibly hyperfixated on one specific topic

the Warg seeker tribe seems like the obvious and fun pick

i want a monochrome grey colour scheme + Much Teeth

-> game limitations classify those as keeper traits, not seeker traits. but i dont care!!! however that means im using a keeper model for all of this

the character has to be an artist. because the "i need to make art and i wont accept any other way of life" sort of mentality is precious to me due to how unsustainable and stubborn it is

-> i have for now settled on painter because its the type of art i have most connections to. also bc uh love and beast ref ig (I HATE YOU "HIDDEN BEAST"!!!! I HATE YOUUUU!!!!!! but its cute he was a painter for it, isnt it)

his place of origin is most likely the north shroud, esp the bit that got utterly messed up by the calamity, around alder springs. mostly because its an interesting place and warg must exist in the area due to the ixal

this also implies the warg seekers might work in mining these days Or have largely moved their residence. or they split up. i need to re-do coils

to support himself while his art isnt selling yet, i think itd be nice to put him with a tree nursery around gridania that i already thought of for my main ffxiv chara. i just think its funny if theyre ex-coworkers. that is all

-> hes creating incomprehensible symbolism-y shit to me. without people in it. but constantly attempting to redefine and depict humanity without humans. he hates drawing landscapes and portraits but will do so grumpily, if it gets him acknowledged and paid

because i am forever deeply fan of the rkg dynamic, the character must have a muse, which is dead, but which he clings to dearly for inspiration and emotional support. esp bc i dont think the guys that social otherwise.

the drama of him seeing a ghost that is no longer there but real to him is nice.... and honestly even practical. it might just be aetheric residue with a sprinkle of mental illness.

what of the muse? i dont know. a fellow painter, who couldnt follow that passion. obviously they must have met before. i have vague thoughts but nothing im confident enough in yet (i think a duskwight family of heretics could be interesting and dramatic but ehhh) ALSO I DONT THINK THEYRE ACTUALLY DEAD-DEAD LOL but i havent figured the situation out yet

-> you know in star trek tng when Q just randomly shows up to bother picard. thats maybe sort of how id describe whats going on

the muse W sees is a version of a person that is long gone, and cannot return. the actual person behind that might still be out there but they are not the one that left an impact on W. what W sees and passionately interacts with is a phantom that only exists bc his mind allows it to, it is a self-serving vision, at least to a degree. maybe comparable to what fray is.

-> W never actually paints them. he only paints emotions about them. (they were a portrait artist and it makes them rather sad)

which leaves me with a nice to do list i can work on every once in a while, like making the chara, doing sidequests in the north shroud, looking at leve and fish descriptions of that area, doing coils again. to begin with.

anyhow, to the actual modding part. its such a work in progress. but i have made so many small adjustments already.

got an asymmetric face UV base to work on

edited the face mesh, mostly to make the chin more broad and to pull up lower canines

translated the standard miqo'te facial markings into smth more dog-like in appearance, while attempting to keep their canon design somewhat intact

added some basic make up, as well as bit of a gradient

+AN ASHY NOSE. THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING A MIQO'TE CAN HAVE

got rid of the ear skin

replaced ears and tails with a torgal body parts port WHICH THANKFULLY EXISTED ALREADY? THANK YOU RANDO ON XMA

darkened the eyeball to resemble canine eyes more

slightly adjusted the dimensions of some face and body parts, like the nose

got rid of the catboy tear lines. bc on dogs they look unhealthy. now hes not a dog. and they dont look bad on game models. but the association is there. this makes no sense really, it just bothered me personally

-> to do: definitely need stronger thicker brows. look up how that works now after the graphics update. add a bit of skin texture? a bit of freckles/moles? need to find out how to hide hair when a full helmet is equipped. also since the ears are attached to the tail, i need a version of the model that just has the tail, so i can kick the ears if i need to (impossible to explain. but what if he wore a hat)

i made a hair mashup for this because. why not. then i painfully retaught myself how weighting armatures works. bc i hate myself. also made shapekeys, so he can wear hats. but i learned a lot so its ok (crying) (thumbs up)

TBSE download bc what else are you supposed to do

added a gradient to his lower legs and arms too, to match his face, also added some skin details but nothing crazy

started making the hands uglier. this guy touches dirt and paint thinner all day. he must have the ugliest hands in the world. and i love that.

but its not enough. we have to go deeper. i have to make them WORSE STILL!!!!!!!! i wonder if i can just shorten the fingers or if that will mess up animations. hmmm ill have to try

also made a quick chest piece mashup just so hes dressed in smth for now.

-> to do: worse hands. maybe paint on rougher skin? i think it would be cute to add paint he didnt manage to wash off to his hands? hrmmm. also ill need to make custom earrings. there still smth about the hair that i need to fix (augh)

but yeah thats what i got so far. might update later on. i just thought itd be fun to capture my initial thinking process in case this goes somehwhere. i like being creative but im not that huge on drawing tbh. so i do stuff like this and nui clothing to stay sane while also engaging in arts and crafts LOL....

[deusexmachinawitch]

Confirmed that my brother is revised.

One thing that I got constantly asked about revision but never thought about it was the effect of others not remembering stuff or how did it go. When I revised my Mom, it was like stuff never happened and my Mom was caring again like many years ago. But I never tested her memories because I didn’t see any point to judge the new story or bring up the old story when things were perfect.

So I thought “Okay, Bro apologized but I want things like before. I want my relationship with him to be like before my Mom got worse in health”. I thought about that, napped and my Brother actually messaged me and talked to me like normal. Like the way he used to when we were really close. I tested some stuff and from what I gather, he doesn’t remember the fight and has been talking to me like this always.

So my Mom was never abusive and my Bro has always been close to me and loves me.

I must be honest, even if I manifested this… It’s going to be hard getting used to this reality. It’s like… I embody this and give my family love and attention like before. Like nothing really happened. But at the same time, it does feel a bit bizarre and even my stomach feels a bit messed up because being the only one that remembers feels strange… Like I’m happy but at the same time, now that I’m supposed to enjoy things again while having these memories still plus the physical consequences feels like a burden that will take a while to let go.

Manifestation IS THAT EASY. It is really a cheat code in life. But from my personal experience, when you suffer from mental illness and CPTSD… Seeing your problems being rewritten so easily after all that happened, solved, just like magic… It can take a small toll in your head because you think things like “Why didn’t I know this before? It was just so easy”.

I plan to revise another person to test this further who isn’t SP. For now, I’ll try to process this new life of my Mom caring for me and my Bro talking to me again like nothing happened, because there’s no way I can talk about this to my therapist lol, I wish there were psychologists that know about LoAss.

[lover-of-skellies]

how about lust sans lol

The smooch-ability rating for Lust is 11 out of 12! He's a safe bet for kissing, and you can read my reasoning if you want, but just be aware that I do briefly touch on some slightly suggestive subjects, since he is from Underlust :P

1) Is Lust's mouth dangerous? His teeth are flat, so no, I'd say his mouth is perfectly safe. There's nothing jagged or sharp about his teeth, and really the only thing you have to be worried about is some spontaneous tongue action, but that's not harmful, so he gets 2 points

2) Would he bite? Not in a dangerous, malicious sort of way. The only biting he'd do is the kinky kind, if you asked him nicely beforehand for that. Is he aggressive? In general, no, I don't think I see him being the aggressive type. He could be during other, much spicier activities (if you catch my drift), but for a smooch, I think he'd be able to control himself well enough, so there's 2 more points

3) Are there any health hazards to the smoocher? Could he somehow hurt them or make them sick? To both of those questions, I'd say no. He's not the sort to harbor any kind of ill intent, he just wants to enjoy himself as much as he can, just with things in general. There's no potentially nasty fluids leaking from his facial area anywhere, and he doesn't really carry a weapon or anything. He has magic, yes, but I don't think he'd use it unless absolutely necessary. That being said, I'll give him 2 points for safety

4) Does Lust have a sympathetic backstory? From what I remember of Underlust, there was a big baby deficiency underground and monsters weren't as fertile (for lack of a better word) as they were before, and when they found a potential solution to that, it sort of messed with everyone and made them all super hormonal and down to clown 24/7. I say that like it's a silly thing, but at the same time, when you think about it, that implies that they can't control how they are anymore. They have these urges they need to act on, or else they hurt or suffer in some way as a result. I remember reading some of the original Underlust comic stuff from nsfwshamecave a while back, and I remember Lust speaking with Grillby and having an emotional breakdown. He did have some drinks beforehand, sure, but everything that he said led me to believe that he's harboring a lot of depression and anxiety, and that he experiences this constant feeling of dread due to the resets and being the only one who knows about them. He isn't well in an emotional or mental sense, and I would absolutely tell him to consider therapy if that were possible. So in summary, he suffers from this weird permaheat thing and he'll be miserable if he doesn't sate it, and he's got a lot of mental and emotional issues and lots of pent up thoughts and feelings. All things consider, I'd give him 2 points for sympathy, seeing as how he can probably never go back to his normal self now

5) Does he deserve a smooch? He's constantly horny and he's at least somewhat of a pervert to some degree, but he hasn't done anything majorly bad, despite his trauma from the resets and the situation he's been stuck in. While there is a risk of some impromptu frenching or wandering hands if things got too heated and out of control, I'd say he still gets at least 1 point here

6) Is he cute or cool? His design makes him stand out from other Sanses, and he's likely stronger than one would expect, considering his appearance and what his hobbies probably consist of. He's still a genius, and he still has impeccable self control regardless of his circumstances. He's also very level headed and still has the ability to think clearly, plus he's sassy, and who doesn't like perfectly timed sass? He gets 2 points in this area for both coolness and cuteness

In total, Lust's smooch-ability rating is 11. He's a very safe bet, so if you have to kiss a Sans, this is one of your safer options. He could make the kiss the most passionate experience of your life and leave your head in the clouds, but if you'd like to peck his cheek or his forehead instead, I get the impression he wouldn't mind that, either. Odds are, any form of comfort or platonic care would go a long way with him