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mysadblacksoul · 7 months ago

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Backslide - 3/13 of the Clancy album

Grab a coffee and let's start this madness

Tyler is wearing the same clothes that he wore in Overcompensate MV to I would assume that this MV takes place right after

Let's break down the signs first

We see the return of Ned Bayou as well as FPA, now standing for Food Petrol Etc.

You can buy 9 buns for $21, love the symbolism

There is a Jim sign omg. Baby is having his own bubblegum business

Of course the Bishops sign with 9 lines marked on it

I could've sworn that the black sign says "Dema Vapes", but looking closely I believe it's "Velma Vapes" lol

What is more, the cones (?) are yellow and I'm pretty sure that the fact that there are 5 of them is not an accident

They sold him bread that went bad lol. Nah for sure it's not the case since he gives the same bread to a child

But I believe that the scene and the lyrics are closely tied with Stressed Out

Now the next scene is interesting

I think that the bad weather is a simple metaphor for feelings of anxiety or fear

We can see that Tyler was contemplating then he was suddenly pulled from his thoughts

This is when the scene changes to normal, right? Exactly on the line It's over my head

Then we move to the scene with the kid

And I really believe that this little lad is personification of Ned

Like he has the same boba eyes lol

No but for real, this is parallel to Chlorine - kid is giving Tyler a cup just like Tyler gave to Ned. Yet he accepts it and drinks whatever is inside and Ned just shudders

Another interesting thing, that could make my point more valid is that the kid literally asks Is that a stain? You should change / Are you doin' good? / Did you solve all of your problems? like he knows Tyler very well and is in a way looking out for him

It's like he's keeping Ned by him - okat I'll stop

It might be a stretch, but the N kinda looks like a mirrored band symbol, do you also see it?

If 0.75c is equivalent to the cost of one bun than Tyler is being ripped off since he paid $21 for the pack instead of $6.75 lmao

Something is really wrong with those buns lmao

Then the mood changes again, but this time is even worse. Like his mental health is declining even more and even faster

The bread is wet, the day is ruined, thanks Mr. Joseph

You killed it Josh, love your creative mind

*funny music stops*

Now let's talk about the way how the MV is looping itself

I would say that it is a demonstration of the twisted circle that is life

Maybe it's a very basic analysis but I think of all the complicated lore-oriented MVs this one is uncomplicated

What is shown here is how our psyche can play tricks on us and how we can complicate a rather simple situation ourselves

If Tyler hadn't had dark thoughts then nothing would have happened to the bread, so he would have just gone and given it to Josh

This shows how our psyche itself can abolish the situation in which we find ourselves

Looping, on the other hand, shows that as long as we don't do anything about it ourselves, we will be stuck in this fishbowl (see what I did there?)

Maybe it's one big AD to check your mental health and a sign to try to get better

Lyrics!

Rat race, place to place, adding weight / Tendencies on repeat, innit? - rat race for sure happened in Dema, and repeat is literaly the loop, innit meand that Clancy is canonicaly British

Benefit from a shoe with no lace - shoe with no lace would make you fall back on the behaviour that you are running from

Take the seat with the crease in it - seat of someone who already tried to change their life, or even who had the same dreams and hopes for better future like Clancy

This could be parallel to When I leave, don’t save my seat/ I’ll be back when it’s all complete from Chlorine

I don't care, you control me / Leading me anywhere - well, all I should say is Dema don't control me and we all know the rest of the story

I don't wanna backslide to where I've started from - he doesn't wanna go back to his back habits as well as doesn't wanna go back to his life before he tried to escape

There's no chance I will shake this again - if he falls back one more time that will be the end of him. His psyche won't take it anymore and his plans will be buried

'Cause I feel the pull, water's over my head - this is parallel to Fall Away And I, I can feel the pull begin. But it also gives me the parallel to Holding On To You MV, the scene with the rope

Strength enough for one more time - like I said, this would be the last attempt to change everything

Reach my hand above the tide - it could indicate that his physical strength is also wearing out

I'll take anything you have / If you could throw me a line - again with the line. But it also can mean that he can endure anything now, he just needs a little helping hand

I should've loved you better - this line can be directed both to himself but also to the person who extends his hand to help. He might not have appreciated both parts before and now regrets it

Do you think that now's the time / You should let go? - This line is like both a request and an apology. As if he wants to say “I'm sorry I treated you badly before but please don't leave me when I need help”

Bad place, on a hundred-dollar bass - this line is also giving me Stressed Out. You can imagine the cheap bass being transported on the bicycle right?

Kinda wishin' that I never did "Saturday" - I think that he doesn't mean the MV irl lol, but the regret of taking part in Bishops' manipulation altogether

Is that a stain? You should change - a play with mentioning Saturday and the lirycs She said that I should change my clothes

Are you doin' good? / Did you solve all of your problems? - like I said before I believe that this is Ned looking out for Clancy, wishing him well

Thanks for asking, in a way, but / Accidentally uncovered a new one yesterday - safe to say that he is not doing better lol

What happened to what I brushed under the rug? - what happened to how well he used to be able to hide his problems and true feelings

I used to be the champion of a world you can't see / Now I'm drowning in logistics - if viewed as a fact that he created this world it now looks like he wants to regain all control over it. Logistics is to take care of the management of planning. And once again we see the mention of drowning

The bridge is acting as an externalization of his myhs and fears that even if he is outside the Dema, the Bishops will still have control over him

The entire song is about both regaining conrol over the world of Dema but also regaining control over himself, his psyche.

The main theme is about not going back to old habits.

The most important thing here is progress and pushing forward.

Because one wrong move can make all the work in vain and we will sink to the very bottom.

Safe to say that I liked it haha

#band #emo bands #emo #emo quartet #twenty øne piløts #twenty one pilots #tyler joseph #josh dun #skeleton clique #tøp clique #twenty one pilots theories #twenty one pilots clancy #clique as frick #clancy #clikkies #backslide

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chelseachilly · 1 year ago

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the easy silence that you make for me

pairing: reader x ben chilwell summary: you’ve been struggling with anxiety due to stress at work recently, and you refuse to let ben see it until he flies you out to mykonos for the weekend and you can’t keep it in anymore (fluff + light angst) warnings: mentions of an anxiety attack word count: 5k

author’s note: thanks to the anon who requested this, it was nice to write something quick (which ended up being 5k lmao) before embarking on my next ben multi-chap! if anyone has any more concept/one-shot requests for ben in the meantime feel free to send them my way 🥰

After an exhausting season for Chelsea and a particularly difficult one for Ben with his second major injury in two years and missing the World Cup, you know badly he’s in need of a holiday.

When he tells you of his travel plans with the boys for the beginning of summer, a part of you feels relieved that he’s going to finally get the chance to unwind with his mates and leave the past year behind him.

Another part of you, though, is dreading him being away.

You haven’t wanted to bother Ben with it, as he’s had enough of his own stuff going on, but work has been kicking your arse lately. You got promoted recently and although it seemed great at first, it’s more responsibility than you anticipated and much more stress.

The only solace you’ve found during this time has been in Ben. Although you haven’t let him see how much you’re struggling, just his presence is incredibly comforting to you. To come home after a long, terrible day and find him standing in the kitchen making you dinner in his underwear, a bright smile on his face when he sees you, is all the remedy you need.

The moment he leaves for Spain, you feel your mental health start to decline. You know you can’t be with him all the time, and you’ve certainly dealt with separations before when he was away on international break, but this is by far the hardest one yet.

Ben texts you constantly throughout the trip, updating you on the fun he’s having with the boys at the F1 and telling you how much he wishes you were there with him. Obviously, you can’t take weeks off to follow him around Europe, as much as you wish you could.

You struggle more and more as the first two weeks of his time away comes to an end. The days are long, as you work yourself to the bone and come home completely exhausted, but the nights are even harder as you find it increasingly difficult to fall asleep without Ben next to you.

One night, when you know for a fact that Ben is chilling with the boys at the house they’ve rented in Mykonos as you’re tossing and turning in bed, you admit defeat and reach for your phone to text him. It’s a couple hours later there, but they’re probably still up.

You Hey, are you still awake? x

Ben ❤️ Yeah, what’s up baby? Everything ok?

You Just having trouble sleeping

Your phone starts ringing within seconds, and you accept Ben’s call right away.

“Hi,” you mumble quietly into the phone, sitting up a bit in bed.

“Are you alright, love?” Ben asks you, his voice full of concern.

“I’m fine,” you say quickly, snuggling into the pillow that still smells a bit like him. “I just miss you.”

It’s not the entire truth, but you know it’s all you can say to him without him booking a flight home to you this instant and abandoning his holiday, so you leave it at that.

“Oh, babe, I miss you too,” Ben sighs. “One more week, yeah?”

“Yeah,” you agree halfheartedly, though that feels like centuries right now.

“Are you really okay?” Ben asks worriedly. “Because I can come home-“

“No way, Ben,” you cut him off. “You’re not coming home early for me, I won’t allow it.”

“But-“

“I’m fine, I swear,” you lie. “I just needed to hear your voice for a bit.”

That part is true - Ben’s soft, soothing voice is like music to your ears, making you feel more relaxed already.

There are muffled voices on the other end for a moment, and then Ben speaks again.

“Why don’t you fly out after work tomorrow and spend the weekend here?”

Although the thought of being in Ben’s arms less than 24 hours from now is incredibly appealing, you can’t help but feel hesitant.

For one thing, you don’t want to spend the money on a last-minute flight, and though you know Ben will offer to pay for it, you don’t like how much money he spends on you as it is.

You also feel a bit weird crashing his boys trip, knowing that none of the other guys’ girlfriends are there at the moment and you would be the only one.

When you voice these concerns to Ben, however, he won’t hear it.

“Babe, don’t be silly, we’d love to have you. I just asked the boys and they all agreed,” he insists. “And I’m getting you a flight right now-“

“Ben, I-“

“Look, I miss you like crazy too, so it’s more of a gift for me than anything else,” he tells you. “We’ll just have a nice relaxing weekend and you’ll be back at work for Monday. Please, Y/N?”

You pause for a moment, but you know you’re incapable of saying no to him, especially when you miss him this badly and are struggling so much.

“Alright, I’ll come,” you say with a small smile.

“Yes! I can’t wait to see you,” Ben responds, and you can hear his grin through the phone. “I’ll send you the flight details and pick you up at the airport when you get here. Just try to get some sleep now, okay?”

The thought of being able to fall asleep in his arms tomorrow is just enough to be able to lull you to rest tonight, so after exchanging “I love you”s you bid him goodnight and close your eyes.

The next day, your anxiety persists as you hurry to finish up your work responsibilities so that you can make your flight on time.

Unfortunately, a last-minute emergency (which there seem to be a lot of these days) at the office means that you have to scramble to get out of there on time to get home, pack, and make your way to the airport.

Your stress dissipates a bit as you settle in for the flight, enjoying the comfy first class seat Ben got you and a couple glasses of champagne. Most importantly, you remind yourself that you’ll soon be by Ben’s side and everything will be right in your world again.

By the time you land on Mykonos, you’re already feeling a bit better, but it’s nothing compared to when you see your boyfriend for the first time in two weeks.

He’s standing in the arrivals area, wearing a simple black t-shirt and shorts with his blue Nikes. He’s slightly tan, his hair is a bit tousled, and he looks more relaxed than you’ve seen him all year. He also looks incredibly attractive to you right now (even more so than usual) which could be his whole holiday vibe or the fact that you haven’t seen him in weeks - or both.

The moment he sees you, his bright blue-green eyes that rival the colour of the sea you just flew over light up and his face stretches into a smile.

He jogs over to you with open arms and you meet him halfway, dropping your bag to throw your arms around him and hug him tightly.

“Hey, gorgeous,” Ben mumbles into your hair as he hugs you just as close, briefly lifting your feet off the ground. “God, I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” you sigh into his neck, pressing a few quick kisses there. “So much, Ben.”

You could almost cry from the relief of being held by him, his hand rubbing circles on your lower back and the scent of his aftershave as you breathe him in making your worries melt away.

When Ben tries to pull back a bit and you reflexively cling to him tighter, not ready to let him go, he just tightens his grip on you and presses a kiss to your temple.

“Is everything okay, love?” he whispers near your ear, sending a shiver down your spine.

Of course, after a couple of years together, Ben is able to read you pretty easily. Between your phone call last night and the way you’re clinging to him like a lifeline right now, it’s fairly obvious that something is up with you.

“Yeah, I’m good,” you say to him, grateful your face is still buried in his neck so he can’t tell you’re lying.

You aren’t all good, but you are better than you’ve been since he left, and you aren’t going to waste your weekend together before another week and a half apart. There’s still a pit of anxiety in your stomach, but you’re determined to not let that ruin your time with him or his holiday.

To prove your point, you pull back from him and take his face in your hands, admiring him for a moment before pulling him in for a long kiss.

He sighs into your mouth and grips your waist tighter as you kiss him, both of you wanting it to escalate more than you reasonably can in the middle of an airport.

When you pull away, resting your forehead against his for a moment, you think the kiss may have erased Ben’s previous concern from his mind, but no such luck.

“You promise you’re alright?” Ben murmurs, cupping your face and brushing your cheek with his thumb. “I was worried about you last night.”

Your heart swells with affection for a moment at his gentle concern, but then you remember this is the last thing you want - Ben should be relaxing, not worrying about you.

“I promise, babe,” you say with another gentle peck to his lips. “I was just missing you, but I’m good now. Perfect, actually.”

Ben nods, though he still looks slightly unconvinced. He does drop the subject though, at least for now.

Grabbing your bag in one hand and your hand in the other, Ben leads you out of the airport to the car that’s waiting to take you back to the house.

You can tell how much lighter he seems than the last time you saw him, telling you excitedly about everything he and the boys have been getting up to and how nice it’s been.

When you arrive at the beautiful house with an infinity pool overlooking the sea, you’re greeted with enthusiasm by all of Ben’s mates. They’re always nice to you, and have been since you first met them at the beginning of the relationship, but you wonder if Ben told them to be extra nice or something - Harvey has you in a tight hug and Anish is offering you a cocktail before you’re even through the door.

You all settle into the patio furniture out back with some drinks and dinner that the guys made, enjoying some music and the gorgeous sunset over the water. It takes you a bit of time to ease into the relaxation after being so tense for weeks, but it’s hard not to feel at total peace when you’re in such a beautiful place surrounded by people you love.

You’re curled up on the sofa with Ben, your legs draped over his lap and your hands intertwined, when the idea of going to a club is suggested.

While all the others are in agreement, Ben turns to you and murmurs quietly in your ear.

“Totally up to you, babe,” he says. “I’d be just as happy to stay here with you and watch a film or something.”

As appealing as it sounds to stay in alone with Ben, all the boys seem to be buzzing to go out and you don’t want to put a damper on things by insisting he stay here with you.

“No, let’s go,” you say with a small smile, trying to encourage yourself as well. “It’ll be fun, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Ben grins, leaning in to kiss you.

You quickly get ready while Ben takes a quick shower, grateful that you remembered to bring one outfit suitable for going out, a simple light blue dress with matching heels.

You’re just doing up the straps on your shoes, sitting on the bed, when Ben walks out of the bathroom with just a towel around his waist. You take a moment to admire your boyfriend, your eyes raking over his defined muscles.

“You look incredible,” Ben says, walking in your direction with a smile on his face.

“You look pretty good right now, too,” you tease, very obviously checking him out.

“Oh yeah?” Ben smirks, coming closer and bending down to kiss you.

“Mhm,” you mumble against his lips, hands resting on his bare shoulders as you anchor yourself to him, pulling him in for another deep kiss.

You’re interrupted by the sound of someone knocking, immediately followed by Tom’s voice on the other side of the door.

“I’ve ordered the Uber, hurry up you two!”

Ben groans and reluctantly pulls away from you with one more quick kiss.

“To be continued,” he says emphatically as he goes to get dressed.

“Definitely,” you chuckle, already looking forward to getting lost in him the moment you get back tonight.

Within ten minutes, you’re all out the door and on the way to the club. It’s a big, glamorous beachfront club that’s already packed with hundreds of people by the time you arrive. Clubbing was never really your thing, but you’ve found that the ones Ben and his friends go to - on the higher end, with decent music and comfy booths - are generally pretty fun.

Harvey gives your names at the door and soon you’re immersed in the party, Ben’s arm wrapped protectively around your waist as you navigate the room to get to the VIP section.

The first hour or so you’re there is mostly nice, enjoying the feeling of being pressed up against Ben’s side as you sip on overpriced champagne and enjoy the music. You have fun chatting and catching up with all the boys about their various work endeavours and the girls they’re seeing.

You try to suppress thoughts of work and all the stress that is waiting for you when you return to reality on Monday, and you’re mostly successful.

Until you make the mistake of checking your phone in the bathroom and see a million work-related emails that have piled up since you last looked.

You know everything can wait til after your little weekend getaway is over, but the thought of facing another week of hell without Ben home to calm your nerves is enough to make you begin to spiral. You’re already at your stress limit, and you’re not sure how much more you can take before you hit your breaking point.

Suddenly feeling a need to get back to your group - specifically to Ben - you rush out of the washroom.

The bright strobe lights and the loud music, compounded with the way your mind is already racing makes it hard to breathe. You’re completely disoriented as you look around the room, trying to remember where you’re going as you navigate the sea of people.

All the negative thoughts swimming around in your brain and the stress are heightening your senses, and you nearly lose your footing, having to grab onto a railing for stability.

“Y/N? What are you - are you alright?”

You’re calmed slightly by the familiar voice, managing to look up and meet eyes with Tom in the midst of your impending panic attack. He looks confused and a bit worried, obviously not understanding what’s wrong with you. You don’t really know what’s wrong with you in the moment either, just that you can’t breathe properly and you need Ben.

“Did something happen?” Tom asks again, still frantic.

“I-I can’t-“ you try to say, grabbing Tom’s arm for stability as you once again begin to falter. “Can you-I need-“

Tom says something quickly to Harvey, who you hadn’t even realized was there until just now. A moment later, Harvey is gone, and Tom is gently grabbing your shoulders and leading you away from the music and the crowd.

You don’t notice that he’s taking you outside until you feel the slightly cool air hit you, providing you with some relief and making it somewhat easier to breathe.

Tom leads you to a nearby bench and helps you sit down, and though he’s rubbing your back and trying to talk to you comfortingly, you don’t really register it.

“I need-can you get Ben?” you ask him once you’re able to get a few more words out, and Tom nods immediately.

“He’s coming, don’t worry,” he assures you. “Just try to breathe, he’ll be right here.”

You nod, shutting your eyes tightly to fight back the tears and trying to breathe as well as you can.

As promised, within a few moments you feel a pair of warm hands on yours and you open your eyes to see Ben kneeling in front of you, looking up at you with wide and terrified eyes.

“What’s wrong, love?” he asks you, looking from you to Tom, who is able to offer no explanation. “Are you hurt? Did someone-“

“No, no,” you manage to choke out, wanting to quell his fears before his mind can run too far. “I just-I was trying to find you and I couldn’t-there were so many people and I just-“

You know he still doesn’t fully understand what’s wrong, as you’ve never struggled much with crowds of people before. You’ve been to loads of parties and events together, you’ve supported him in stadiums of thousands of people, and it’s never been an issue. Nevertheless, when you begin to cry more freely, your body continuing to tremble, he quickly moves into the spot Tom has vacated for him and pulls you into his arms.

“Hey, sweetheart, it’s alright,” he murmurs into your hair as he holds you tightly, pulling you closer until you’re basically in his lap. “You found me, I’m here now. I’ve got you.”

You bury your face in his chest, your tears staining his white t-shirt as you cry. Although you can feel the panic in your chest lessening with every second in Ben’s presence, the full weight of all the stress and emotions of the last few months hits you like a freight train.

Ben continues to murmur soothing words to you, stroking your hair with one hand and rubbing your back with the other as your sobs gradually wane.

You manage to get your breathing under control, soaking up the comfort of his touch and the gentle words he’s whispering in your ear.

Eventually, you pull back from him, wiping your mascara-streaked cheeks. Ben is still looking at you with immense concern, one of his hands coming up to cup your cheek.

“Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?”

You nod your head, grabbing his other hand and squeezing it tightly. You know you need to open up to him. This breakdown is proof that you can’t keep holding it in anymore.

“Okay, I’ll call an Uber,” he says with a quick kiss to your forehead.

“Actually, can we wait a few minutes? Maybe take a walk?” you ask. “I think I just need a bit more fresh air before getting in the car.”

“Of course, babe, let me just tell the boys-“

Before Ben can finish the thought, your friends reappear, having given you some privacy so Ben could comfort you. With a gentle smile, Harvey passes you a glass of water, which you gratefully take.

“You feeling better, Y/N?” Anish asks.

“Yeah, thanks, just got a bit overwhelmed in there,” you say, sipping the cold water. “Sorry, guys, didn’t mean to ruin the night like this.”

“Don’t be silly, you haven’t,” Tom insists. “We were just worried about you.”

You nod appreciatively, laying your head on Ben’s shoulder for a moment as you continue to come down from the panic attack, his thumb rubbing gentle circles on your bare knee.

“You want me to call a car, Chilly?”

“Nah, thanks, mate,” Ben says. “We’re just gonna go for a walk and cool down a bit, you guys go on inside and we’ll see you back at the house.”

“Alright,” Harvey smiles, squeezing your shoulder gently. “Glad you’re okay. See you later.”

The boys all bid you goodbye and go back into the club, leaving you and Ben alone once more. He carefully helps you to your feet, and you lean on him even though you’re much steadier than you were before.

“Wanna go down to the beach?” Ben asks, gesturing toward a path that leads to the shimmering blue water.

You nod, taking his hand in yours and intertwining your fingers as he leads you down the path.

The beach is totally quiet at this time of night, a stark contrast from the loud and bustling club you just left, and you hold Ben’s arm for stability as you take off your heels to carry them. The feeling of the sand beneath your feet and the sound of the waves crashing on the shore helps to calm your senses.

You find a nice, secluded spot to sit and look out at the ocean. Before you can even complain of the slight chill, Ben removes his jacket and drapes it over your shoulders.

“Thank you,” you whisper, reaching out to grab his hand again, needing to maintain physical contact with him.

“Of course,” Ben says, squeezing your hand. “Will you please tell me what’s going on now, babe? You’ve seemed a bit off since you got here, and last night on the phone. I’m worried about you.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” you say. “I didn’t want to ruin your holiday with all this, I’ve just been struggling a bit lately. Work has gotten crazy stressful and so much stuff is piling up on me, it’s been making my anxiety a lot worse than it usually is. Tonight I just happened to check my work email in the toilets and I guess it triggered me, then the noise and the lights and everything were really overwhelming and I could tell I was about to have a panic attack. Luckily, Tom found me before it got too bad.”

Ben, who knows you’ve dealt with anxiety in the past and particularly in uni, just nods in understanding.

“You’ve been struggling these whole two weeks I’ve been gone?” he asks, visibly upset that you’re just telling him now.

It makes it even harder to tell him the full truth, but you know the point of this conversation is to be truly honest with him, even if it’s difficult.

“A few months, actually,” you confess. You see how his face falls completely, and you immediately elaborate. “I know I should’ve told you, but you’ve had such a tough year with the club and the World Cup and everything, I couldn’t bring myself to burden you with anything else.”

His eyes flash with a million different emotions, and for a moment you think he’s going to be mad at you, but he ends up just letting out a defeated sigh.

“You could never be a burden to me, Y/N,” Ben says firmly. “You’re everything to me. It doesn’t matter what I have going on, I need you to tell me if you’re going through something like this. Always.”

“I know, I will,” you reply, squeezing his hand again.

He takes your joined hands and brings them to his lips, pressing a kiss to each of your knuckles.

“I am so sorry I didn’t realize there was something going on earlier,” Ben says after a moment, shaking his head. “I feel like the world’s shittiest boyfriend.”

“Don’t apologize, baby, you’ve been going through a lot yourself,” you remind him.

“Yeah, but you’ve been there for me through all of it. Helping me when I was injured and talking me through every loss, week after week,” Ben sighs, the memories of the past season still fresh. “And I didn’t even know you were dealing with your own problems.”

“It’s alright, Ben, I promise,” you say with a small smile, reaching up to cup his cheek. “I’ve been managing okay, just being with you helps a lot. It’s been hardest these couple weeks you’ve been away.”

“I’m so sorry, if I had known I would have-“

“I know, that’s why I didn’t say anything,” you tell him, your thumb stroking his sweet, concerned features. “You needed this holiday. I didn’t want you to be worrying about me.”

Ben wraps his arm around you and pulls you closer, pressing a kiss to your temple and lingering there.

“Baby,” he murmurs so softly that your heart melts. “I love you, but I need you to be honest with me from now on. It breaks my heart that you were going through this alone.”

You nod, resting your cheek on his shoulder. “I know.”

“And as for the holiday, I think you’re in need of one, too,” he continues, rubbing your back. “You should tell your boss you’re taking the next week off and come to Italy with me. We’ve got the yacht all week.”

There’s nothing that sounds as appealing to you right now as spending a week in paradise, soaking up the sun and enjoying uninterrupted time with Ben, but you don’t know how well it will go over if you tell your boss you’re taking a week off with almost zero notice.

“Ben, you know I want to, but-“

“Babe, you’ve been working yourself like crazy since you started there. You’re one of their best employees and they would be lost without you,” Ben reminds you. “Tell them you need a break. I’m sure your boss will understand, and if she doesn’t, then maybe you should tell them you’ll reevaluate whether you have a future there.”

You know he’s right, but you’re still nervous to give that ultimatum. You’ve hardly taken any vacation in the past year and you’re certainly overdue for it, but it doesn’t come naturally to you to make demands - even when it’s necessary.

“What if they let me go?”

“Then they would be bloody idiots,” Ben scoffs. “You deserve to work somewhere that lets you prioritize your mental health, love. And if that’s not this job, then quit and we’ll find you something else.”

“I can’t just quit my job, Ben,” you chuckle, fiddling with the too-long sleeves of his jacket you’re wearing.

“You can if it doesn’t make you happy,” he replies without a beat. “And please don’t say need a steady income, because you know I don’t give a shit if you ever work another day in your life.”

While you’re aware that most of Ben’s mates - at least the ones in football - don’t have girlfriends with traditional jobs such as yourself, you’ve always liked making your own money. It’s not that you harbour any judgement for those who don’t, but you think you would go stir-crazy if you spent all your time waiting at home for Ben.

“I appreciate the offer, babe, but I think I just need to find a better work-life balance,” you admit. “Maybe a week off isn’t such a bad idea. I can talk to my boss in the morning.”

Ben’s face lights up and he begins to press little kisses all over your face, making your heart soar.

“Perfect, I was dreading saying goodbye to you again,” he confesses. “I hate sleeping without you.”

“So do I,” you murmur, pressing your lips against his briefly, pulling apart when a thought occurs to you. “I don’t have enough clothes for a week.”

“You won’t need them,” Ben replies without missing a beat, making you laugh and shove his chest playfully. “Or we can go shopping. Whatever you want, love.”

You smile into Ben’s kiss and he deepens it quickly, his arm wrapping around you to tug you impossibly closer. You sigh happily, enjoying the serenity and intimacy of this moment.

When you pull back again, he gently cups your cheek and you lean into his warm palm, pressing a quick kiss there.

“Are you feeling better now?” he asks softly. “Do you want to go back to the house?”

“I am feeling better, but I just want to stay here a little longer if that’s alright.”

“Of course, baby,” Ben smiles, shifting slightly and opening his arms wide so you can lean back against him.

He positions you so you’re inbetween his legs, leaning against his chest, with his arms tightly wrapped around you and your hands clutching his.

You’re both silent for a whole, listening to the sound of the sea and enjoying each other’s touch after a long two weeks without it.

“Promise me one more time that you’ll tell me if you’re ever feeling this way again,” Ben murmurs into your hair after a few minutes. “Because seeing you like that is one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced. I was so worried.”

Your heart aches a bit as you realize what a sight you must’ve been for your poor worried boyfriend, sobbing incoherently outside the club.

“I promise, Ben,” you say with a squeeze of his hand. “I won’t keep anything from you again.”

“Okay,” he breathes, lips pressed to your head. “I love you so much. I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this by yourself, but I’m really glad you’re here with me now.”

“I love you too,” you say, snuggling deeper into his arms. “And I’m also really glad I’m here.”

Ben continues to press kisses to your head as you stare out at the sea, the comfort of his touch washing over you like the waves lapping against the shore.

Although there will be more hurdles for both of you to face as you continue your respective careers, you know that as long as you have Ben and ensure that you communicate your feelings, everything will be fine.

And in the meantime, you get to spend a week on a yacht with your hot boyfriend. Life could be a lot worse.

#ben chilwell #ben chilwell x reader #ben chilwell x y/n #chelsea fc imagine #my fics

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glade-constellation · 6 months ago

Text

Long ass text post here we go. All my thoughts and feelings on the current TSAMS lore.

Just a warning, there are 2496 words under the cut, lmao.

MOON :

(Warning, there is a brief mention of suicidal ideation in this section.)

First off, the whole thing with Moon. I’m personally not the biggest fan of how the fandom is handling his situation, considering he’s most likely dealing with some form of psychotic PTSD. Solar literally died in his arms. That is going to have repercussions on his mental health. He’s not crazy or insane, he is severely traumatized. And it’s not like this was a sudden change in how he behaved, he’s been showing signs of decline since Solar’s death. Monty literally saw Moon hallucinating three weeks before this confrontation happened, and just decided not to tell anyone about it. Jack heard Moon mumbling about his plans for Ruin, but Jack is young and didn’t know how to handle the situation. Moon’s computer saw the signs and also told no one. It’s not like he just snapped. This has been a steady decline built up over months. People were either too scared to share, or saw the signs and just wanted to believe nothing was wrong with him. Moon got this bad because no one tried to help him. It doesn’t help that people are viewing Moon’s self destructive actions at his literal feelings on certain things. Sun literally told Earth that Moon will say rude things to get out of an argument quicker. Everyone is so upset about the things Moon told Earth, but they aren’t understanding that Moon very likely meant absolutely nothing of what he said. He was trying to run, but Sun and Earth were standing in front of the door. He was currently running on the mindset of “hurt someone enough and they will just let you leave”. Earth has every right to be upset that he even said those things, yes, but Moon is not thinking rationally right now.

Some of the stuff he kept repeating really shows how far he’s fallen into his depression. He doesn’t care how much his family currently hates him. He doesn’t care if Solar hates him after he brings him back. He doesn’t care about pretty much anything that isn’t directly related to bringing Solar back. He even said he doesn’t care if he himself dies. He has one goal in mind and is completely blind to everything else. This is suicidal ideation. He may not want to die, but he doesn’t care if he does.

That being said, Moon has crossed so many lines. His morals have been skewed way past what most people consider wrong and right. He’s hellbent on getting Solar back, no matter the cost. He’s genuinely not thinking of anything but his end goal, which is going to, probably literally, blow up in his face. The whole point of why he’s doing this in the first place is to make his family happy, and he’s putting in a lot of effort to make it happen, but isn’t liking the real reaction he’s getting. His family isn’t just upset with him, they are scared of him. Moon may not have heard this, but both Earth and Lunar’s first question when hearing about Moon’s current state was “Is he safe to even be near right now”. Which is a valid question considering how physically violent Old Moon was. Lunar even states remembering these reactions when they used to share a body, and how much it scared him. For being so dead set on reminding people he’s not the Old Moon, it’s almost funny how far he’s crossed the line of what Old Moon did.

Even worse, Moon is using Old Moon’s sacrifice as a way to push his own current ideals. He feels he has a legacy to live up to, considering Old Moon gave his life to save Killcode, and also feels he is failing miserably at it. Killcode still ended up dying later on, Solar died in his arms, his family is still going through hell. He blames himself for everything going wrong, even if we as an audience know none of it is his fault. He won’t stop until he feels vindicated of these “failures”. Eclipse had a comment in a recent episode about how all Moons run on a hyped up sense of ego, and that’s very clearly showing with what Moon’s feeling right now. Moon takes extreme pride in being the protector of the family, and feels he has failed in every way imaginable.

( I would also like to point out how Moon keeps saying he’s getting back a Ruin for what he did, but that’s not even his plan anymore. When Bloodmoon took Ruin, Moon sent Molten after them and said he could have Ruin. Ruin was the whole reason Molten even showed up in the first place. Moon changed trajectory and decided to use Bloodmoon to bring Solar back, because he agreed to let Molten have Ruin if he could find where the two had gone. Bloodmoon may be a reoccurring villain, but he had nothing to do with Solar’s death. He’s honest in mourning as well, over his brother that Moon helped kill. Bloodmoon is a bystander in this situation that is being dragged in unwillingly. Yeah, maybe that’s a good idea considering Bloodmoon is going after Monty, but this feels morally wrong. )

Sun :

This episode showed a lot about how far Sun has come in the past two years. Back when the show first started, Sun would have immediately caved in an argument like this. He would have made a point to get his side across, but his voice would shake and he’d stutter over his words and physically cower away from Moon. Now he faced Moon and very clearly spoke his side of the argument. He walked right up to Moon while talking too. It’s almost got this bittersweet feel, because he’s grown past his trauma with Old Moon, but like. It’s sad that his reaction is what it is in the first place. The moment he learned what was happening with Moon, he acted resigned. Like he knew he was going to be the only one to be able to deal with it. He never should have needed to learn this reaction in the first place.

Eclipse comment about Sun being the most stable in this situation is so sad to me, because it’s true. Sun has spent his entire life dealing with Moon. Most of Sun’s problems that he’s had to deal with, for his entire life, have been due to Moon. It’s the sad truth. Sun woke up, then Moon appeared and straight up told him that he would make his life a living hell. When they finally began functioning as siblings and decided to split bodies, Moon created Eclipse. On top of Eclipse, Moon still acted out and would both verbally and physically berate Sun. When Moon was reset, he then had to deal with Moon misjudging his grief over what he had lost. He’s had years of experience handling Moon and his outbursts. Sun may not be perfectly fine, but he is currently the most equipped to handle this situation.

There’s something poetic about how this current situation parallels Sun’s past. He also dealt with a psychotic episode after he killed Bloodmoon, and was locked in a box as Moon’s attempt to stop him from killing Eclipse. There’s a lot of similarities. I think the biggest difference is simply how Sun is handling this versus how Moon handled it. Moon trapped Sun in a small box that he could barely move around in and stripped him of his magic, leaving Sun completely defenseless. The fact that the box was invisible was probably also not helping with Sun’s hallucinations. Sun was left alone in probably one of the most defenseless positions he could have been left in, and didn’t seem to be planning on ways to help him after Sun was trapped.

Sun is going in with a plan, something Moon didn’t have. He also has help from the rest of the family. What I’m hoping is that Sun won’t do the same to Moon, and that the containment room that gets built is an actual room. I’m hoping Sun plans for after Moon gets captured. Earth probably won’t want to hold a therapy session with Moon after what Moon said to her, but that doesn’t mean they give up on giving him therapy. That doesn’t mean they give up on getting him help. (With the luck of the TSAMS characters, this probably won’t happen, but I wish.)

Earth :

Earth as a character in general is probably the most relatable to me besides Lunar. It sometimes makes talking about her situation hard for me, so I apologize if this section doesn’t do her justice.

It’s obvious that Sun isn’t the only one dealing with revisiting old trauma. Earth has brought it up in many episodes how much she can’t bring herself to trust her own family due to the Creator. She wants to, so badly. She makes excuses for her brothers when she sees signs of them not being truthful, because she wants to believe they would never hurt her that way. She wholeheartedly did not want to believe something was wrong with Moon until Eclipse brought her irrefutable truth.

She’s stumbling. She already deals with a heavy amount of self doubt, and now she is dealing with everything Moon said to her. A lot of who she is is built around this idea of needing to be perfect, to be good at what she does. That was the whole point of why the Creator made her. She is the Better Daycare Attendant. Moon calling her a fake therapist and telling her that she’s bad at what she does tore down that already wobbly sense of perfection. She’s been trying to logic her way through every time she feels herself become imperfect or inadequate, but she can’t work past what Moon told her using the same tactics. Not only is Moon someone whose opinion matters a lot to her, he was blunt in the way he worded things.

Her trust is shattered, her pride is destroyed, and it’s bringing up a lot of past trauma she hasn’t fully worked through. She’s also still dealing with Solar’s death on top of this. The only person who will sit down and listen to her problems, that she is comfortable talking to about them, is Eclipse. He’s one of the most unqualified people to help deal with these problems, in all honesty. Everyone else is either busy or dealing with too much of their own shit. There’s a lot she needs to work through, but there isn’t a clear or easy way to do that. There never really is, but this situation is definitely terrible circumstances for it.

I do think we might see an argument between her and Monty soon. Learning that they kept Moon’s condition a secret did not make her happy. In my opinion, a valid reaction. I don’t really care how good Monty and Moon’s friendship is or used to be. They absolutely shouldn’t have kept this information to themself.

Lunar :

There isn’t much to say for him as he didn’t have a large part in the episode (understandably on Reed’s part). He honestly has so much going on right now that I’m not really surprised by his reaction. It’s just one more thing going on. He’s stressed constantly and can barely handle what’s happening just with his own stuff.

It’s interesting to me that he said the situation would make him cry. Currently, I feel like Lunar hasn’t really cried since he was revived. He’s more prone to bursts of anger nowadays, or just some form of dissociation. Him saying he would cry and talking about his past when sharing a body with Moon feels like falling back on old trauma responses.

I’m interested to see if we get his reaction to this situation in future episodes.

Eclipse :

Obligatory Eclipse mention on my part. I’ve already talked about him recently, but I will always take any chance to talk about my guy.

I absolutely love how he keeps trying to tell himself he doesn’t know why he’s helping. He obviously knows why he’s doing it, he’s just too prideful to admit it. I’m still not over the “I’ve come to learn with Moons, they’re really egotistical. Reminds me of myself.” He is so overly self aware, and finally seems to be at the point of realizing that.

It’s upsetting that there’s a real chance he’s going to leave once Solar is back. Dark made it sound like he was going to have to die in order for Solar to live, which is even worse. Despite Moon saying that no one will ever love him, I do think Earth will mourn him when he’s gone, regardless of if he dies or leaves. There’s a slight possibility Lunar would as well, considering Lunar still has a part of him that wishes for the brotherhood they could have had. After that one conversation in the atrium, Lunar seems to have calmed down a little, and Eclipse has definitely grown a little past where he was.

Solar :

This section is pretty speculative, and more about stuff I couldn’t really fit in Moon’s section that related to Solar. (Warning, this section briefly talks about suicide.)

I am still reeling over what Moon said about Solar’s reaction when he brings him back. The whole line about letting Solar die again if he wants. Like, there are several layers of “fucked up” to that statement.

First, I don’t believe Moon one bit on that statement. I don’t truly believe that Moon would ever, under any circumstance, let any of his family willingly die. He is much too prideful of his role as protector, and he cares far too much for his siblings to let them get that far. He’s also grieving for Solar, I don’t think he’d ever let go of him if they’re able to bring him back. He didn’t let Killcode die when they separated, there’s no way he’s letting Solar right after he gets him back.

Second, that’s not how that works. If Moon brings Solar back, he is then responsible for the life he brought back. Willingly letting Solar die again because Solar wants it is literally enabling suicide. That’s just, no. I wouldn’t ever be able to look at Moon the same if he allowed that.

But I doubt Solar would want that if he was brought back. As much as he’s probably going to hate what Moon’s doing right now, I highly doubt he would throw away another chance at life. He would absolutely respect the effort put into getting him back, even if he didn’t necessarily like the actions taken. I don’t think Moon’s plan is going to work anyways. I really do think Eclipse is going to be the one to pull it off, probably after Moon tries, which is going to cause a lot of things between them.

#🌟 Ten Talks #🫧 Lunar Laughs #tsams #sams #the sun and moon show #sun and moon show #tsams moon #tsams sun #tsams earth #tsams lunar #tsams eclipse #tsams solar

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