#my life's going great everybody
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tomboy trans girls ily <3 by the law of equivalent exchange, there's got to be a masculine trans woman out there that i switched places with gender-wise. hope she's doing well
#in all seriousness it was trans women who made me finally get out of denial about my own transness#i kept writing off trans men from being Really Men bc i thought every woman hated womanhood and being female‚ and just suffered through#bc society brainwashes you into gender conformity#and ''well‚ i may as well deal with this horrible lot in life'' which is what i thought everybody else also thought#but trans women very obviously were NOT brainwashed by society into wanting to be and enjoying being female. so clearly there was something#wrong with that assumption i had made....#and also‚ with how much people insist you're ''saying women can't be masculine without really being men‚'' it was great to find out#that i don't have to worry about there being less butch women in the world‚ bc there are many trans women who actually love and enjoy being#masc AS WOMEN‚ and i don't need to force myself to be that bc there are people out there who really do want that for themselves‚ despite#everything society tells them#and ofc cis women can be and are butch as well but I'll always feel much more of a connection with masc trans women#bc we're both masculine and trans‚ even though they're obviously going in the opposite direction to me#mtf#transfem#transgender#transsexual#trans#o.
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aww look mum a hit post 🥰 they really liked it when i called someone out for wishing death upon people for [checks notes] raising money for a billboard instead of performatively posting about donations to palestine on tumblr dot com
look at all my fans who are wishing such nice things for me 🥰
#i’m sure the kids in gaza are warmer and safer and better fed as a result of you wanting me to kill myself#great activism everybody#lyse.jpg#ofmd#i didn’t even give any money to the fucking billboards but sure go off i guess#sorry normally i’d redact usernames but i don’t have the time apparently! gotta get busy ending my life!
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ABOUT TO CRYYYYYY. OH MY GOD....
#PROFESSOR WALLACE I OWE YOU MY LIFE FOR REAL!!!!!!!!!#can't even speak on it rn i am fr so overwhelmed#this is paired with fantastic feedback on my piece btw.#he said that this draft is relying too much on explanations which is fucking awesome to hear. cause i was worried it wouldn't come across#and was trying extra hard to get some solid explanation in so the reader would be clear#and it's great to have like. permission to not explain it. strengthen the writing instead. intensify the experience.#i am going to cryyyyyyyyyy#gonna go read this to my mom brb everybody#TALENT ENERGY INSIGHT CHARISMA AND STAR POWER....#AUUUUGHHGHHHHHH#[ head in my hands ]#academia#greatest hits#valentine notes
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firstly, when you get this, you have to answer with 5 things you like about yourself, publicly. then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (positivity is cool and so are you)
Thank you for the ask!
Five things I like about myself are my singing voice, smile, writing, sense of humor, and hair. I proceeded to rant about these things in the tags because I felt like it lol
#singing brings me so much joy#i've been in choir for years#worked really hard to get my voice where it is now#got complimented on my smile one (1) time in high school#and decided it was my fav thing about myself for the rest of forever#recently had a family member and friend call me a good writer out of the blue#absolutely made my day#especially because i'm known to most people in my life as the math person#i think i'm hilarious#not everybody agrees but i could not care less#i make myself laugh over the silliest things and it's great#everybody mourn for my beautiful hair with me#i sunburned my scalp over the weekend and it's going to suffer for my forgetfulness#my asks
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ANYWHO goodnight tumblr i'll be back on the art grind tomorrow i think 🙏
#haunted ecosystem#i'll take a burst of creativity in a different form than usual than the burnout slump i've been in for a few months#<- part of why my fandom stuff has taken a smidge of a backseat#dont get me wrong i am still very excited about my fandoms im just having fun off in oc hell (affectionate)#its nice to just be able to create and not really worry about perception. and also i feel Less bad about just throwing ocs into the wringer#((blame the fact i've been REALLY interested in whump recently and i have been. fixated. on one of my characters.))#and ALSO i've been! rekindling my flame for wtds. i've been putting off thinking about it since that fic got.#nothing bad happened? but it was still very devastating that somebody who i considered a friend from that fic just. evaporated.#but i'm gonna finish that fic for him :) even if it takes a year. even if it's the one thing i finish ever. it'll be wtds.#for where its gotten me and the fact its what got me out of my shell and is the reason i trust that my writing is good!#i used to really hate rereading my work. i catch flaws that are obvious to me. but that fic. i just think about how *good* the story is#that story means. a lot to me? as a person? like the main character is not a good person. but people care about him anyway.#and there are so many little things. so many sentiments. so much that is a love letter to people who've done bad but learnt to do better#because. god knows i wasnt a good person even just a few years ago. and maybe i see myself in him a bit.#he came from a place of paranoia and fear and pain. and maybe its a good thing that i've found it difficult to write him recently.#because god. i've been HAPPY. even with the rough moments and bad days. i've been happy. i mean fuck.#my birthday's what. ten days away? god damn man. i'm going to be 18. that's an achievement.#i want to look the kid who thought it was over at half my age and tell him we fucking made it. and there are more years to come.#there's a life ahead. even if it's going to be a bitch. even if it's going to be tough. there's love in your heart and people who care and#you're going to fucking live and you're going to feel better one day. you have people to meet properly and thank and cherish.#because for every day it feel like the world's ending there are a dozen more where the sun shines just the right way through the rain#and you can't help but smile because it's just so god damn beautiful.#and fuck it. you're sick. your hands hurt and your legs don't work right. and it's tough sometimes. but you have people who understand.#you have people who honest to god love you for who you are and appreciate your company. and 18 is the first step.#you've spent half your life unlearning things and you've spent half your life relearning how to be what YOU want to be#and if you're a mediocre artist and passionate writer then you'll be fucking great at that. taking the time to learn when it strikes you.#and maybe this is for me. but its also for anybody reading it too. please god if there's one thing you take from this let it be that#somebody out there cares. *I* care. god i care. even if we've never spoken proper i care about you.#i practically have a list of everybody i see in my inbox. i love seeing familiar names show up. i.#i dont know how to neatly wrap up this tag ramble. but. i am so damn full of love it hurts sometimes. its scary to be happy but thats ok!
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Thinking abt Jessica Cruz and the ability to overcome great fear again
#everybody including canon: omg hal is the greatest lantern kyle is the best etc. etc.#HOWEVER OKAY. my vision.....#with like 15 to 20 years of our time i could expand on stuff and give her THE character arc okay#like im just saying yellow lantern jess arc could ACTUALLY be so good bc i would do it as a way to bring her back to the corps stronger and#better and more assured#in herself because like its not about NOT being afraid is about OVERCOMING it and bravery isnt the absence of fear but action in spite of it#et cetera et cetera#like okay i was kidding when i said i think shed be more powerful than kyle or hal#because theyre both totally overpowered in their own way ofc with hal's willpower abilities at like insane levels and kyle's command of the#emotional spectrum being what it is et cetera#BUT. jess has such an interesting relationship with the ring and BEING a green lantern and its like i want to go deeper with that. like down#to the center of the earth deeper. because i feel like shes a character that would have such a great connection to being a lantern and would#especially be the one to embody the 'overcome great fear' phrase at its core#also like THE RELATIONSHIP SHE HAS TO BEING A LANTERN-#all the lanterns have interesting relationships to the corps or what it means to be a gl but for me jess's is just SOOOOOO compelling and#rich and just. being a lantern saved her life. becoming a lantern GAVE her her life BACK. on multiple levels!!!#like quite literally bc of the fact that volthoom died in her body before she got the ring but like before she became a gl she wasn’t living#a life at least not socially. even when she was power ring i still doubt HIGHLY that she even really left the watchtower when not on mission#because like. they glossed over it but the power ring doesnt come off. she was always like that and even with her control over it always a#little primed to blow and i think that's something jess was aware of even if the rest of the jl wasn't as much#bc she like was always reminded of how precarious her power over the power ring could be like it said HORRIBLE things to her all the time!!!#like on power it would be just calling her names like verbal abuse#so even while she had control over the ring it was a tenuous sort of precarious state and she was very aware of that!!!#and i feel like thats what it often comes down to for jess: control. i think its a key part of her character that she desires that sort of#control over herself and her fear due to feeling a lack of it for so long. and THATS why i think that yellow lantern jess has SO much#potential bc it has a huge chance to explore her relationship with the concept of control and harken back to her origin and early days as a#hero.#gosh i went on a tangent here but yeah. LOTS of feelings abt jess#basically a whole meta in the tags tbh#jessica cruz
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hello i see ag 2morrow for the second show of boom done tour i am so excited
i haven't been to a show since thursday @ the end of january in typical northeast "no one, quite understandably, tours here in the winter" fashion & i very much need this i am so very much looking forward 2 it also this is gonna be a GREAT month 4 shows
#i may be manifesting this somehow reaches someone somewhere also going#also tonight is about to be spent absolutely cramming boom done etc#as despite the fact that i technically got introduced to homie's music via a boom done set#at that fest i was working in summer '22#i still am not really acquainted with it#i am primarily going for good vibes and to support#but that's just as of now#i can Entirely see myself coming to love these songs just like the rest of that dude's projects#anyways i am soloing and while of course i have no problem doing this for shows in general#i am a bit nervous since i'm used 2 just blending in with a crowd due to moshing everybody being packed in etc#whereas here that obviously won't be a thing and everyone will kinda just be standing there noddin along#but it is okay i always seem to find cool folks to talk to at ag related shows#and even if i don't i know i'll have a great time#also i really hope the epic wavernot4love x anthony crossover can finally happen#genuinely i have so much 2 say this dude's music has had such a positive impact on my life this past year n a half#and i wanna chat about that a little bit#anyways off i go 2 jam some ag tunes i am so excited also mohawk place is a gr8 venue i can't wait to be back there#also ah i'm gonna see if i can find anything setlist wise from the first show 2nite in pa since i kinda like to know what 2 expect#anthony green#ls dunes#boom done#wavernot4love gets 2 the gig#wavernot4lovetalksmusic#wavernot4love talks ag tunes#yippee
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the visit to the island was cool i love nature. i even took my camera and took pics of everybody and the scenery ^_^ i did feel super awkward around everybody though but other than that it was fine
#its been a while since i had been in a boat. so relaxing#and the river water smelled SOOOOOO good after we got far from the city. almost an addicting sweet smell#i wasnt the only one that brought a camera.... mine was a very simple samsung nx and#this other girl brought a canon 5000 pussy destroyer hyperprofessional or something#so when i sent the drive of the pics i took everybody was like ok 👍 and when she sent hers#everybody was like THIS IS LIFE CHANGING........ I NEED TO POST ALL OF THESE ON INSTA RN.......#which was heartbreaking 💔 but if we're being real obv her pictures had better quality#moving on we had a great breakfast on the island!!!!! we had tapioca and macaxeira and pupunha and homemade bread#plus local chocolate (!!!!!!!) and passionfruit juice and coffee. it was all so good#the only thing i didnt try was the pupunha bc i didnt want to get the shits later but everything else was godly. i wanna go there again#after that we had to get to work and measure the whole thing down and see what we could build etc#my shoes got full of mud 😭😭😭😭 if i go there again im gonna use flip flops
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hm. my dad is now aware that i have slept over at eriks when i visit him.
#dont love that.#he brought it up bc i have an aunt and uncle in his city and i think he was going to offer to like see if i could stay with them at some#point to visit him#he was like have you thought of visiting erik in (city)? and i was like. yeah#and he was like. have you? and i was like. yeah. and he was like how many times? and i said twice and he was like oh. where did you stay?#and i said. eriks place. and he was like. oh. well you know you have an aunt and uncle there that would let you stay right? and i was like.#yeah i know. and it was in front of my mom and sister and brother in law and HIS sister and everyone was so quiet because they know how my#dad is#and i was like in the process of leaving so i just like said bye to everybody real quick and left so im still like. agh. scawed!#idk why even its not like theres anything he can do to me its just like. god i really want to have peace with him i do not want to ever hav#another lecture from him or get yelled at by him again idk im still scared of that. and he hasnt even met erik yet and probably has a#terrible impression of him now just based off of that even though i am always telling them great stuff about him i dont want HIM to deal#with that especially because i do not think that he would take as much bullshit which he shouldnt have to but god i just have this vision o#my dad like. pulling erik aside for a talk or something if they ever meet and trying to scare him and them getting into an argument bc erik#would stand up for himself#idk who knows if that will happen im literally making up scenarios in my head to scare myself but christ. \#the thing is also at this point in my life i just like. i have to keep moving forward in like. the whole living my life without constantly#thinking about the church's and my dad and the rest of my family's expectations. I have to. I almost lied to him but i didnt and thats#really big progress but im still so scared. but whatever. do it scared. agh!
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For the Harry Potter fans I wonder who was their favorite villain in a fanfic? Like Voldemort is a cliche already but what of others ? Others that are no Ron or Severus with a Ron the death eater trope (the bashing was so powerful that Ron have his own trope for so much making the bad guy) but like…. Have you see fic with greyback so twisted but same as a villain?? Bellatrix surviving Molly hex and going for revenge ? Even Sybil done with everybody mocking at her for being a ‘fluke seer’ just can be pretty refreshing to read..
for me a sane but still twisted greyback is great, I remember reading a kiss from a rose (it’s a post war snamione but hear me out this shit is goood) and just feel refresh with a villain that cannot be sympathize like zero quality but also sano no matter how twisted? A villain that have his feet in the present and know very well what he doing ? Plotting and seeing how everyone of the good side just underestimate him? Or how is minions no matter if they managed to make you feel pity for them they just- just make you stay in silence for a moment and say ‘well, I would feel sympathy for him/her but now I just hope they are catch soon’ moment? I just there with a headache and just have this revelation in how so much everybody relies in Voldemort, Lucius, RON or even Severus (if the era of Harry parents usually) and boi… there are some good villains there like even a dumbledore blind with his ideals can be good material… just no in the way so many would like, but still.
do you know the greyback of the fic i mentioned just put in almost jaque mate from almost the middle of the fic at almost all people in the story? Some really good plot armor was needed to counter his move and still till the last chapter he virtually win till author say ‘this was so not suppose to happens no Nope’ and win… with a 30 minutes death snape? but hey at the end he fall but was a good villain fall. You know when you feel a weight lif from you ? Seeing it death was that…
Forget it I’m only a person with a big headache but just there thinking how sometimes the greatest villain can be a ignored one.
#harry potter fanfiction#harry potter#severus snape#hp fanfiction#fanfic community#Ron el mortifago trope#fanfiction#fanfics#Any ship with a good villain is god#I already take a pill with the pain in my head don’t go away and make me think deep shit#Greyback can be great villain take serious like the man was already horrible predator of child’s#But a bellatrix with some level of sabe mindset too#I remember one that the own post war ambient was the villain#i need to stop thinking#help#snape community#i respect the author of that fic because after making a villain so dificult to touch the way to take him down need some deep study real lif#And a little of plot armor or everybody die#Bless the authors and their creativity and studies to make thing base on real life logic and metaphysical possible
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the fact that almost every single close female person in my life has has dealt with (chronic) health conditions that impacted or are impacting their daily lives...
#star stumbles#focusing a bit on women's health for my literary essay#which i kind of ended up thinking about when joyce carol oates asked 'why do women choose pain'#and like the hysterical woman and all that#and this is in my family and outside of it#just found out today that my best friend (or former best friend; childhood best friend) found out recently that her hormones are essentially#messed up and she could be infertile#and she's like 18#and even the few girls i've met and ended up chatting with in college are like...going through it but casually#my coworker has crazy health problems#my other childhood friend has been having crazy physical and mental health issues#my friends who don't have physical health issues are mentally in the gutter#and then there's me who is not struggling but being impacted by stupid stuff#and like health issues cause health anxiety which worsen health issues or at least the ability to deal with them#but you have to deal with them. everybody is dealing with them.#doctors will be like there's nothing clearly wrong so just fix your lifestyle#which yeah. has been working great (and sometimes it did but also like.#just because you found a solution that works doesn't mean the problem was never valid/never existed or won't come back#which is something i had to remind myself of#like just because you can deal with it now does not mean you did not suffer and struggle due to it earlier in life#and that it did not magically disappear. your health is valid
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family reunion moodboard
#jun.log#my family's great but they're so loud and high energy and my social battery is perpetually drained#it's only been like 4 or 5 days but i feel like im on life support#i just want to go home and lock myself in my room and not talk to anybody#or go to the gym where everybody minds their own damn business#i just want to be left alone :((#like i don't hate my family at all but i can't keep up with them!!!#negative
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Playing a game called ‘how long can I put off talking about my various mental problems with a medical professional’. It’s going badly. I recommend no one play this game, 0/5 stars
#so basically i had an appointment booked tomorrow to talk about potentially getting a prescription for microgynon or similar#just to even out my cycle. but i already got a prescription from boots because i discovered that’s a thing you can do#but i was like ‘no i’ll keep the appointment and finally talk about my anxiety’#my idea was to go in there and be like ‘so here’s the deal; i got my pills already and you should probably check my blood pressure#i’m like 99% certain it’ll be 100 over 80 as always but we should make sure it hasn’t shot up because i could like. die.#second; everybody in my life is begging me to get help for my anxiety. what do now’#but then i thought about it and i was like…… do i really want to go to the doctor’s BEFORE WORK and also talk about all these complex issues#like i WILL cry if i talk about my mental health or lack thereof with a random stranger. i will. because it’s a humiliating conversation!!#i don’t like having it!!! there’s a reason i quit therapy 13 years ago and haven’t gone back#also i don’t want to get up that early. lately i have not been sleeping well and i need all the sleep i can get and my shift doesn’t start#til 11; which WOULD allow me to sleep in if i didn’t have a doctor’s appointment at fucking 9#i was also thinking in my own brain like. what if i chicken out and only have them check my blood pressure (which is a pointless exercise#because it Is going to be 100 over 80 and also i could just buy a blood pressure machine and do that in my home. then they’ve put aside a 30#minute block for someone who literally doesn’t need it. i should cancel it in case someone needs an urgent appointment#so i called them and cancelled it lol#listen. one day i will stop playing this game and just TALK to somebody. but it is not this day#i genuinely think that for the moment i can manage my anxiety with herbal remedies and meditation and just reminding myself that i am being#stupid and to shut up. like i’m fundamentally okay. i am going to work. i am functioning at work. my manager is happy with how i’m doing#and says other coworkers have told her i’m great. everyone is commenting saying i’ve lost weight and i look well#i take my little mabel for walks and i read books and enjoy my hobbies. like. i’m OKAY.#i know things could still be better but fundamentally i don’t think i have anything meaningful to tell a medical professional#like maybe everyone gets nervous and sad and feels like it’s all pointless. what do i really expect to happen#would antidepressants even help me? who can be sure. not me#tl;dr i’m FINE except when i’m not but even then i think generally i will be fine#personal
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#smile at people #a majority of the time people will smile back and you win Human Points #learn how to compliment people and do it often #Normalcy is a perspective that changes depending on who is looking but kindness and a positive attitude shows the same view to everyone #basic politeness with a little extra effort is amazingly difficult at times #but it goes MILES
Genuinely good advice from @aroace-get-out-of-my-face
can someone recommend some beginner normal behaviors for someone looking to become normal
#life advice#autistic stuff#and anybody who finds this hard which is pretty much everybody#would also add learning the functions and skills of small talk#yes i know i know it's evil it's horrible when nobody told you how#but get this: it's just social glue#it's the human equivalent of hyenas lowing to each other or crows clicking to each other#it's just “hello i exist you are in my social circle i accept your existence and please know that i don't hate you”#and it's got some fairly basic first-level rules too!! You intiate the greeting (Hello/hi/howdy/good evening/etc depending on context – yea#that dependency can be a bit trickier to learn but if you think of social structure it helps; e.g. this human supposedly ranks higher than#me and has not spoken to me before so i need to say “hello” instead of “wassup”)#and then you say “how are you?” or the less formal “how's it going?” (meaning: *I am initiating small talk*) and they will say “I'm alright#you?” (meaning: *I accept your move to small talk and value your input*) and you say “I'm okay” (NOT meaning: I am actually okay – but#rather *I appreciate your acceptance of my move to small talk and respect you so I will complete this ritual*)#in some cases people will go into a bit more detail – typically in response to “How's it going?” or “How've you been?” rather than “How are#you?” (in less formal contexts e.g. between friends) – and say something like#“Yeah I'm doing alright; had a lot of stuff on this week so I'm looking forward to a break!” and this is where you employ your Sympathetic#Vocalisation (“mm yeah” (solemn. nod head towards them at medium speed a couple of times)#BUT. you do not dwell on this. they will probably ask you “what about you?” afterwards and here you say something like “I'm good; I've got#some pasta I'm looking forward to eating tonight” (or any other bland mundane thing about your life. note: you CAN lie. not extravagantly#but you can say “Yeah I'm great; been busy too but gotta stay on your toes eh?” when you actually want to collapse right now#generally people react well to either positivity or wry humour at your negative experience#like: either bring out something that's a minor good thing and refer to that (see example character's “looking forward to a break”)#or if that's too fake for you you can mention something you're struggling with light heartedly (see: staying on toes example)#generally though people do not want to actually discuss each other's lives here. just social glue! just the “I acknowledge you and wish to#instigate/reaffirm a social bond in this situation so we can then get onto the real stuff or leave with stronger social connections”#anyway that's like the first basic step it; does tend to get a little less straight forward the further you go in#but I've found it a great skill to learn#and once I realised it was in fact a skill just like ice skating or acting or writing i was like ahah! i can learn this!!#and show off like a kid on a skateboard every single day!
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like people genuinely loved N.S. in many ways but the ones who made out best with those feelings were the ones who were willing to stop trying to love N.S. and actively realise those feelings into some end result. people get the most out of N.S. when they decide to just experience the person instead of trying to form a specific relationship that would give them something to "show" for the time spent together. but of course, and understandably, very few live like that by default or even know that's an option. and it isn't particularly palatable or an acceptable answer to the question "what are you guys to each other". N.S. couldn't have ever fit in or learned to live well with the great khans without chance because of it in a very funny way. not quite codependent but the antisocial 1 (unchecked chronic social anhedonia mistaken as just being a VERY chill guy) and antisocial 2 (doesn't want to pick up what youre throwing down) pairing up made them both more bearable and palatable to everyone else. since everyone lost interest or curiosity in trying to fill the role of "the one closest person to the lone wolf of the group" when they saw it becoming occupied. saving 85% of the camp from repeated disappointments from a lack of reciprocated interest and 100% of the generations most antisocial from having severe joker arcs as teenagers.
#oc: N.S.#the best way i can describe them is that chance loves N.S. deeply in a way that cant be expressed through conventional ways#and if N.S. was ever going to love anybody it would undoubtedly be chance without any question. if only a single person in the world#arcade and N.S. are so interesting because arcade will never understand and thats okay with N.S. because very few ever do#arcade knows where N.S. stands but still insists upon calling N.S. a friend and N.S. will continue to perform love and friendship#for arcade because thats how deep N.S.' loyalty and care for him goes. N.S. never lies about that and arcade accepts that now#and then the great khans as a whole are chance's friends that he loves and cares for deeply#so N.S. performs friendship and familial bonds because thats chance's life and N.S. doesnt want to ruin it#thus N.S. is upset when it does get ruined. distinctly different from why chance gets upset but still an acceptable percieved reaction to#everybody else... much to think about with the complexities of a loveless khan in a lovemaxxing khan generation#my ocs
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Important to note that the big project i'm part of and are in its last stages before presentations to the public, i am now shackled to the most fucking annoying person on each day where i should have the most fun.
#3615 my life#she nevers fucking remembers what she said / agreed to#changes things everyday#don't consult me and act like she's the planner towards the people we're helping#when she can't fucking plan a thing#and then parade around and shows what she made to everybody to be acclaimed#yes you do things that are quite good#no the other thing that you're doing now is not that great#'i have 30 years of experience !' shut the fuck up#i feel like she's been on my mind everyday since last week where i feel like she...#turned villain i don't know. it was fine before even a bit fun#and then i discovered she's the asbolute most annoying person to work 'with'#so now i let her do her thing and i will do mine and too bad for organising#not gonna pay or mend for the metaphorical pots she's gonna break#it's sad that i'm thinking 'i can't wait for it to be over' because of her#when i've been working on this for nearly one year#it's stressing me so much#and also it's so fucking frustrating seeing nearly everybody saying she does so many things and you're so great !#and yes she was team lead for one thing and she did good and it was nice#because there was no need for organisation#but i know people are going to think 'wow she did so good doing all of this other thing !'#like i wasn't the one in the background frantically laying down traintrack
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