#my least favorite: king of a gang jughead jones

[satelliteinasupernova]

I'm recording a podcast episode later today where @ssssandraven and I are going to explain our feelings about riverdale at our friends.

Before then, let me know, what are your favorite and least favorite of Riverdale's many wild plots?

[drink-the-midnight-oil]

a serpent in the water

Bughead AU:  Loner Betty and popular Jughead are South Side Serpents. On the day of Serpent initiation, Betty goes to cool off at Sweetwater River, only to encounter an unwelcome surprise.   

Ao3

Serpent initiation. The rite of passage for every girl or boy who wanted to join the infamous Riverdale gang, the South Side Serpents. Betty Cooper eagerly awaited it. All she had ever wanted was the chance to prove herself worthy of the South Side Serpents. Her mom, her aunt, even her grandparents were Serpents. It was a title to be worn with the utmost pride, and Betty craved it. However, the stakes this year were far higher. The Serpents’ leader, FP Jones had decided that only the top participant would be accepted into the Serpents. This was to avoid betrayal after what had happened last time. 

Betty parked her motorcycle on the banks of Sweetwater River. Approaching the water, she pulled off her helmet and shook her blonde curls loose. It was a beautiful day, warm and sunny. She dipped her fingertips in the water, pleased to find it cold. Dropping her helmet on the shore, she stripped down to her black bra and panties and waded into the river. 

Sweetwater River was Betty’s favorite place to go to relax. The spot she always visited was secluded and it was the best part of the river. The water was always the perfect temperature, and bushes grew nearby, ripe with berries. 

She dove down and came back up, pushing her wet hair out of her eyes. The light glittered on the surface of the water like a million twinkling diamonds. Floating on her back, Betty closed her eyes and let the sun warm her face. 

The first round of Serpent initiation was later that evening. The law recitation. Betty had known all the laws by heart ever since she was seven years old. Alice Cooper had made sure of it. Initiation would be harder for Betty than the others. Her father was a North Sider, at least that’s what Alice had told her. He had seduced her mother and impregnated her, running off, never to be seen again. And because of that, for the rest of the South Side, Betty was a stigma. A person with dirty blood.

Betty went through the laws once again in her head.

One, a Serpent never betrays her own. Two, if a Serpent is killed or imprisoned, their family will be taken care of. Three, no Serpent is left for dead. Four, a Serpent never - 

Two large arms wrapped around Betty’s waist and dragged her underwater. Betty tried to scream but quickly shut her mouth, realizing that was stupid. She tried to break free but the arms around her were strong and gripped her tighter. Her back was pressed against a hard chest. Remembering her training, Betty pushed her captor’s hands downward and twisted sideways in his grip, effectively breaking his hold on her. She swam upward as fast she could, her heart hammering in her chest.

She broke the surface of the water, gasping. Turning around just in time, Betty watched as another person came up, laughing and panting. His ebony hair fell in wet strands across his forehead and he pushed it out of his face, still grinning, perfect white teeth on display. His eyes were an impossibly blue color and were complemented by long, dark lashes. A chiseled face with high cheekbones and a strong jawline made him the very image of an Adonis. Realizing who it was, Betty’s eyes narrowed.

Jughead Jones. The Serpent Prince. He was FP’s son, the rightful heir to the Serpent throne. He was known throughout Riverdale for his intimidating demeanor and devilish good looks. Men cowered and women swooned when he walked past. His fame wasn’t because he was the Serpent King’s son, although that played a minute role. Jughead had built his own reputation in town over the years. Brought up a Serpent royal, he had received the best training one could get. Not to mention, he had a way with words that could make anyone believe whatever he said. He could switch from suave to deadly in a matter of seconds, and everybody feared and respected his power. But to Betty, he was the cocky, arrogant asshole she’d known since they were five.

“Jughead, what are you doing here?” Betty asked, annoyed. 

“What? I can’t swim in Sweetwater River? Am I not too a citizen of this fair town?” He smirked at her. 

Betty crossed her arms, unconvinced.

“Okay, fine. I was riding by and I saw your motorcycle parked uphill. I saw you in the water and figured, why not play a little prank? Lighten up the mood a bit, before tonight’s mission. Which, by the way, is in an hour.”

“An hour?!” Betty looked at the sun and saw that it was dipping lower on the horizon. “Shit. FP’s gonna kill me.”

“Ah, don’t worry. It won’t be the first time you were late for something. Besides, that Serpent jacket is going to be on my back by the time this ends.”

“We’ll see about that.” Betty swam for the river bank, Jughead close behind.

“I’m serious, Betty. I don’t want you to cry after you lose terribly.” 

“Says the boy who threw a fit when Sweet Pea won the wrestling tournament.”

“We were TEN. And besides, I could kick Sweet Pea’s ass now.”

Ignoring him, Betty reached the shore and walked to where her clothes lay in the sand. Jughead’s jeans and shirt lay nearby, along with his jacket. Picking up her jeans, she turned around and saw him still in the water, staring at her, an undecipherable look in his eyes. Her wet bra was clinging to her and it was just enough to see the shape and suggestion of her breasts. Also, she was half-naked. Smiling mischievously, Betty jut out a hip.

“Like what you see, Jones?”

Jughead blinked and seemed to see Betty’s cocked eyebrow. He grinned at her.

“Cooper, after all the women’s bodies I’ve seen, yours doesn’t faze me at all.” He walked out of the water, and Betty rolled her eyes.

It wasn’t that he wasn’t good looking. He was gorgeous. Like so many of the other Serpent men, he was built for a fight. Strong shoulders and well-defined arms, a toned stomach. He was tan from working out in the sun. But while the other men were beefy and muscular, Jughead had a more athletic and well-built physique. His boxers were riding dangerously low on his hips, his sharp V-lines, glistening in the sunset. It took some effort to look away from him, and that’s what pissed Betty off. 

“When are you going to realize that your dashing looks aren’t going to affect me?” she said, trying to hide her flushed cheeks.

“Oh, Betty. Don’t try to deny it,” he winked at her as he pulled on his own jeans. 

“As if I would care how you look,” she scoffed, even more flustered. She hate that he did that to her. She didn’t even like him. He was a narcissistic tool, a product of nepotism, albeit his natural talent. It made her burn with both jealousy and awe. And the fact that he was, not that she’d ever openly admit, handsome, just rubbed salt into the wound.

Jughead just chuckled and shook his head slightly as he buttoned up his jeans.

They finished getting dressed and Betty grabbed her helmet. Walking to the place where she’d parked her motorcycle, she saw a similar bike parked next to hers, but with an Ouroboros drawn on its side. The insignia of the Jones family as the head of the Serpents. It served as a reminder of who the boss was, and to respect and obey them. 

“What are you staring at?” Jughead asked as he walked up to the bike, taking his helmet from where it rested on the seat.

“Oh, nothing,” Betty put on her helmet and got on her bike. The only good thing about Jughead, if she had to pick something, was that he never used his position to impose himself on others. In fact, he acted as if he didn’t care for the title of Serpent prince at all.

“Race you to the Wyrm?” Jughead asked her, as he started his bike.

Betty grinned. “You’re on.”

~~~

I’d written this just for fun a few years ago because I liked the scenario. I’d originally planned to turn it into a series because I liked the story concept but I never got around to it. I was going through my drafts and found this, and it put a smile on my face. While I don’t plan on continuing it, I thought I’d post it as a drabble. Hope you liked it!

rhea

[stonerbughead]

Happy Fanfic Writers Appreciation Day!

As a fanfic reader, I am so endlessly grateful for the absolutely talented humans we have in our Bughead fandom, who inspire me and make me laugh and gush and smile and feel all the feels! As a fellow fanfic writer, I’m grateful for our @bugheadfamily community, for all the times we’ve bounced ideas off each other, cheered each other on, and sprinted together! 

One of the things I’m most grateful about in our community is how we encourage each other even when life gets in the way and we can’t update as fast as we’d like! I know that’s been a big thing for me this year, at least, and a lot of you have made me feel so wonderful with your patience and words of encouragement. So without further ado, in honor of this day, I present:

a rec list of WIPs I’m currently reading (and am happy to patiently wait as long as the writers need me to for an update!)

Come With Me by @night-hawk94 (3/?)

If you want a whole lot of sexual tension with a whole lot of payoff in the form of deliciously hot smut - plus FEELS and a hilariously intrusive Veronica - this masterpiece is for you! I’m loving it so far.

thinking of a place by @flwrpotts (3/?)

A perfectly drawn Almost Famous AU! Betty’s an aspiring music journalist, Jughead’s a soulful drummer who writes his band’s music, Veronica and Cheryl are the groupie girls with heart you never know you needed them to be. I’m loving this slow burn!

What We Lost (What We Will Be) by @darknessaroundus (3/11)

This story somehow manages to have the sweetest domestic Bughead with an adorable baby and a compelling murder for Betty and Jughead to solve at the same time. Essentially, JB was killed and it’s lookin’ really suspicious and Bughead are now her baby Junebug’s legal guardians, despite the fact that they don’t meet until after JB’s death. A really intriguing slow burn for ya.

a revelation in the light of day by @iconic-ponytail (4/11)

One of the best things about this story is how incredibly well-drawn the entire universe is - Sheriff Jughead Jones and FBI agent Betty Cooper never met in high school, but now Betty’s back in town to reclaim the family home ten years after leaving Riverdale and Archie digs up Jason Blossom’s body in the backyard the day she returns, leaving Betty and Jughead to investigate while dealing with how quickly they are attracted to one another! Plus, Archie and Veronica’s side plotline is so well-done. One of my favorite investigative duo Bughead dynamics I’ve ever read!

put your kingdom up for sale by @heartunsettledsoul (3/?)

Want some Serpent King Jughead but completely flipped in a way you’ve never seen it before? Jughead, SP, and Toni were exiled and in that time, Betty came to town to live with cousin Cheryl and escape her own Black Hood trauma, befriended all of Jughead’s friends (including Jellybean and the best Kangs I’ve ever read) and bought the Whyte Wyrm, turning it into a bookstore. Enemies to friends to lovers ensues and I am HERE. FOR. IT. 

This Day, A Life by @darknessaroundus (3/5)

This is a coda to darknessaroundus’s equally amazing MFA AU “A Grand Mistake” in which Betty and Jughead - both now career writers - have fostered and then adopted a child. My favorite thing about this story is that, along with Toni, Veronica, and Archie, all the characters are experiencing different forms of found family dynamics.

Ain’t No Sunshine by @sadie-quinn (6/8)

This is my favorite super angsty Southside fic rn. Betty and Jellybean have been best friends forever but it takes until she’s back between college summers living on the Southside with Jellybean and Jughead for Bughead to begin their romance - which they are then forced to keep secret and temporary due to Jughead’s Serpent affiliation. If you’re looking for a very gritty and real take on the Serpents as a gang, this is for you.

I’ll be the one by @literatiruinedme (7/19)

In case you were wondering, @literatiruinedme and I are the Official Stoner Chicks™ of this fandom, and “I’ll be the one” is an amazing little fic where Betty moves to Vermont to get away from her mom and starts hanging out with the crew working at the retail store she transfers to. There’s so much sweetness and fluff and friends smoking weed and ragging on each other and being general delights. Stoner!Bughead 4ever.

this is the way he loves her by @thetaoofbetty / Smudge (6/?)

This is the sequel to “I Can’t Fall in Love Without You,” one of my favorite Bughead fics of all time, and the married Bughead dynamics are precious and the mystery/plot super intriguing. 

among the wildflowers by @heavy-lies-the-crown (10/18)

A super beautiful and well-drawn prairie town AU in which Jughead is a writer in town to write his next novel. This is a masterful slow burn with reveals about the characters as the story progresses that makes the story deeper with each update! And the use of flower imagery in this story is unparalleled in its beauty! 

This is in no way exhaustive, especially since there’s so much sitting on my “to read” list, so in conclusion I just want to say THANK YOU to ALL the fanfic writers for your hard work and sharing your talent with us!!! 

[ziggory]

Riverdale Liveblogs 3x07 - 3x13

Instead of making you all suffer through six separate liveblogs as I was catching up, have them all in on post!

3x07, “The Man in Black”

Remember when Jughead was the biggest woobie ever with a bunch of sad shit happening to him. Fun times. Honestly, Jughead’s just really taking advantage of finally being on the roadtrip he was denied

Justice for Jingle Jangle. Why did we need a new drug? Or I’d be fine with it complementing the other but NOooOooOOOO. It’s trying to shove JJ out of the spotlight!

Elvis’ granddaughter could’ve just drugged the eggs but instead she chose to nearly give Archie a concussion. Hiram might chop her head off if his Archiekins gets permanent brain damage

Let Archie kill a man!! Jughead got to skin someone who was fucking up his life. Why can’t he let Archie take his shot!? I can’t hear you about consequences

Your business is failing because trading away the final piece of the Soutshide to open a vanity project in the form of a dry speakeasy was not a great idea. Also, gamers can give you business. I’ve seen it!

The show can make Veronica say all these supposedly empowering lines, but I’m never going to forget that she supported a for-profit prison

MAYBE MY DAD’S NOT SO BAD!!?!?

This voiceover was completely unnecessary. Honestly, it’s sort of a slap in the face to Lili’s acting as if they didn’t think she could convey certain things without some hand holding

I’ve seen movies. They make you swallow that shit on the spot

So many negative thoughts being awkwardly confirmed

Honestly, this is what happens when you keep exploiting the place for abuses to help your investigations but never fucking shut it down

3x08, “Outbreak”

Does Moose need drugs to get it up? He said Midge liked to get wild, but methinks he liked it of his own volition as well. And just what I wanted. Shadowy makeouts while high on drug laced childhood candy

Kevin needs to find out who put a curse on his dick. ANOTHER hookup interrupted by bodies in danger

I don’t know why a group of high school boys acting like typical jackass high school boys with loud laughing is cause for thinking they’re all high.

“good people like Archie” 

Gladys being a Jarchie shipper is pure. I will not stand for this no homoing

Wait, Cheryl did actually get to be Student Body President? I thought they were just going to let that circle the drain and disappear

MY FAVORITE INCOMPETENT EDUCATIONAL ADMINISTRATOR

THE PRISON WAS A FUCKING COVER?!?!? So all of S2 was just…oh my fucking god, I’m going to do drown myself

“good looking shortsatck” Love it. Goddamn, I love Gladys

Do they know that the way they write Hiram and Veronica feels like it’s been dipped in ten layers of incest? He talks to her like she’s the mistress he wants to bed

The affection the Jones women have for Archie is cute

The Gargoyle King being a hallucination is the most disappointing thing

TABLETOP RPGS ARE NOT FUCKING BORN OF MADNESS. Ugh, my inner geek is angry with rage

Oh, now you care about the kids in conversion therapy

So I guess they didn’t go to Toledo for Christmas??

Lili should get a raise for this Griffin Queen shit

I’m more emotional than I would usually be over these Fred scenes given Luke Perry’s recent condition

PROTECT THAT FUCKING DOG WITH YOUR FUCKING LIFE!! THROW YOURSELF IN FRONT OF A BEAR

I missed alcoholic Hermione. And lmao this Watchmen realness

I love Silent!Kevin getting nothing to say in that office! Just fucking great

we need to know more about this fucking Governor. Racist piece of shit who gets upset about vandalized statues of genocidal war criminals, AND he’s under Hiram’s thumb.

3x09, “No Exit”

Will someone get bit by a monkey? I can only hope

Oh fuck off with the Star Wars reference. IT DOESN’T FIT

Stealing from the rich to give to the rich. How very one percenter. And Toni, all your friends are living in tents by the river

KEVIN. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU ALWAYS JOIN THE WORST GROUPS

While the implication of Jughead sleeping over is nice, what the fuck was the point of last episode’s cliffhanger. This timeline makes no sense

I’M GETTING FIREWATCH VIBES

They’re so fucking low budget that they couldn’t even show the bear, LMAO

I forgot what Fangs sounded like. Didn’t FP retire? ARE THERE EVEN ANY ADULTS LEFT IN THIS FUCKING JOKE OF A GANG. But Damn, Fangs is good at crying. So pretty

Aww, I actually missed the hammy ass warden

Every time Joaquin’s name is mentioned, another dagger in my heart

The fact that the sisters have been fake nuns this whole time is just…what the fuck. AND THE FUCKING SOCIAL WORKER KNEW AND JUST LET THEM KEEP OPERATING!?!? LET THIS WHOLE FUCKING TOWN FALL INTO A HELLMOUTH

Remember when Jughead was outraged about the Serpents being paid security at the Pickens festival thing? Time is a flat circle

CHERYL, WHY DON’T YOU JSUT KILL HIRAM THEN

“SAVED”!??! REALLY NANA ROSE!?! IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL THE CHILD GROOMING YOU DID!? And uh, Fred and Sierra should know about that sordid piece of Penelope’s past

Damn, Veggie is hot as fuck

You know who else could’ve gone undercover for the Serpents to infiltrate the Gargoyle gang?!????? I HATE YOU FOREVER, RAS. ANOTHER AU FOR THE DRAWER

3x10, “The Stranger”

LMAO that they tried to make us think Archie died

Being attacked by a bear in Canada means not having to suffer through crippling debt because of the hospital bill for the rest of your life

Sidenote, but I really thought the painting of Veronica would have a bug or something. The fact that she just kept the painting instead of burning it says something

Oh so the core four are THOSE type of friends

Betty’s money >> those kids

Claudius just doesn’t want to do actual work

They let a kid pass the first grade when he couldn’t read? So the educational system has always been rather shit

Hey there, Silent!Kevin! Just sitting silently with your slowly developing biceps

Does Reggie know what PTSD is

I spy with my little eyes Kevin in the corner putting his PE clothes away! Once again robbed of a shirtless scene

FUCKING TALL BOY!?!? Lol, this is really good for my drawer fic actually. Keep sounding like a spiteful man! It’s semi feeding me

Wow, they really crammed in two Varchie sex scenes

Hiram deserved this and every agonizing second of pain he felt

Raw milk, huh? Yeah, that’s all you need to bait Kevin into this cult

Bye Claudius, no one will miss you

I want Hermione/FP to fuck

Jughead throwing a party to make things better is the biggest twist this series has ever done

Archie the alcoholic, eh. If this lasts more than one episode, that’d sure be something

3x11, “The Red Dahlia”

This is the noir episode, isn’t it. I’m…really bad with noir so an episode from THIS team is going to be…very trying

Awww, FP mentioning Joaquin is an extra pang. I wanted to know more about their relationship

I’d love to see the notes on this draft when Jughead tries submitting it to a publisher. Unless he goes the self pub route

Who even runs the newspaper now?

Betty, you’re like the last person to talk about black and white morality

Archie sounds like the protagonist of Office Space at the end when he finds his calling in construction

ELIO HAS SPOKEN MORE THAN MELODY EVER DID. EAT SHIT, RAS

I still need Jughead and Veronica arguing about classic cinema

I wonder where Penelope learned those crocodile tears, Nana. Like I never need a scene of her criticizing her ADOPTED DAUGHTER again

Cheryl is pretty forgiving of the uncle who sort of helped with her institutionalization

Have these boys never watched an episode of Breaking Bad? Put that body in a barrel

So has Veronica had a change of heart about Daddykins? I’m so confused

SMITHERS!?!? YOu’RE STILL ALIVE!? Protect this man

Remember when Betty was a camgirl for ten seconds and watched all of her fake brother’s porn videos

Josie’s voice is pure butter, and the show needs to stop pretending that we want to hear anyone else sing

Why doesn’t Toni have a job at Veronica’s dry speakeasy? She used to be an actual bartender!

“Kevin’s dad boxes at the gym” being a line from Josie is the most beautiful line in this episode

Well at least they explained the seizures.

YYYAAAAAASSSS, KELLY RIPPA!!

What is even the point of Minetta having faked his death just to be Hermione’s kept man

Well, damn, I really didn’t see this FP reveal coming. I wish he was the sheriff Hermione was fucking. And given all the things Jughead used to say and aim at Keller, it’s interesting to see him have to deal with his dad being somewhat in Hermione’s pocket

PULL THE FUCKING TRIGGER, ARCHIE

Lmao at this Bad Boys line. I see you, synergy

Honestly, how dare Archie shoot the person who was going to kill Hiram. I guess that’s one way to bury the Archie/Hiram grudge

Hermione’s trigger finger is life goals

3x12, “Bizarrodale”

So first off, fuck that title and everything it implies.

Second, this is the episode where I’m supposed to finally get fed, eh? FINGERS CROSSED

I forgot what Kevin sounded like after not talking for four episodes

WHEN CAN WE MEET KEVIN’S MOM!?!? I HAVE MANY FANCASTS

Veronica watches Netflix confirmed, and yet I guess she just scrolls past Orange is the New Black every time it’s recommended to her

Why are Kevoose makeouts always in shadow? Is it to disguise the fact that when they makeout it’s with their lips sealed shut

The actor who plays Major Mason followed me back on my burner instagram

Awww, Sweet Pea is a relationship guy with a gooey little heart!

Sierra pegs Tom confirmed. Love these two kinky fuckers

The way Tom says “Gargoyle King” goes straight to my nether regions

So does Britta have a kink for people outing others against their will? I swear this is a plot point in Ship It too

I feel like these issues are something they should’ve talked about way more. Making Moose’s coming out be an ultimatum is pretty gross

How DARE they not let us hear Josie sing?!??! Ohhhh, if we’d heard Josie sing then we would sent death threats to the fake Juilliard board. I never want to hear Josie’s teary little voice again because it hurts my feelings

Lmao, this is the second time a parent has been judgmental of how the Lodges involve Veronica in their business

Remember that time Moose and Cheryl made out? I’m forever traumatized by that

Hiram and Hermione strolling in like a fucked up Gomez and Morticia

I’m sure that Dilton would approve of his friend from another lifetime using his secret bunker to pop his cherry. But only Moose. Yes, I ship comics Dilton/Moose

Oh, HeeEYEEEEEEE, IT’S LIKE A BUNCH OF MY FIC DREAMS COME TO LIFE. Wow, I finally got pandered to. Kevin being in dagner is like…the basis of the majority of my drawer fics

I’M FUCKING PSYCHIC X2!!!! Well huh, this puts that earlier diner scene in a new light

Yesss, please keep calling him Tommy and talking about how Kevin looks like your old friend with that sad, wistful tone. Please feed my fic bunnies

Christ, Ashleigh has such a fucking amazing voice. I can actually bear KJ’s singing

Moose having to leave makes sense. ALSO MAKE SURE YOU WATCH CODY”S SHOW ON NETFLIX TO MAKE THIS WORTH IT

I never want to see Kevin cry again. Fucking Maramaduke

Gladys can step on me, and I’d apologize

3x13, REQUEIM FOR A WELTERWEIGHT

I’M FINALLY ALL FUCKING CAUGHT UP

I don’t think that bacon is fully cooked

So Veronica just decided to not move back out because the path of least resistance?? And she’s back in her Daddy’s clutches because....he got shot???

The Serpent with the awesome dreads is still there! Can he be an actual character with a name? He deserves it

Between last episode and this one, I am being fucking BLESSED with Daddy Keller content. 

VERONICA IS a FUCKING REPUBLICAN CONFIRMED. I guess we all know who scrolled right past 13th on Netflix! 

They’re really trying to sweep up their awkward plot mistakes from last season, eh

I need a flashback of young Alice in this ugly fucking wedding dress

This is some Rocky and Mickey shit. Hopefully Keller doesn’t have a heart attack while confronting Mr. T

YES, GLADYS!!! CALL OUT THAT LEADERSHIP!

San Junipero water, huh. 

Why is Archosie so perfect

Ehhhh, the last time they talked was eight episodes ago. Will this scene be about how Kevin’s recovering post-Moose?? Of course not. My hopes for investigative Kevin are once again yanked away. Though of course remember that time she got him to catfish a murderer without telling him that Chic had killed someone?? Fun times

“cute gay farmies”

Veronica is the opposite intimidating ESPECIALLY in the face of Gladys who we all know has actually fucked up a bitch

The monstrous Freeform ate Malachai, eh. Ghoulie jackets are still the best jackets

I’ve never watched Apocalypse Now so this scene is wasted on me

THUNDERDOME!!?!?

Keller looks like he gives good hugs

How the fuck did Jason learn about The Farm?

This is Polly’s revenge for being sent to the Sisters

It’s awkward how Choni just sort of disappeared from the episode

Damn, Archosie has everything going on

Hermione, you should’ve just killed Hiram when you had the chance

PROTECTIVE BIG BROTHER JUGHEAD!

Gladys doling out gang advice is just everything I wanted from her

[gayfanfictor]

Serpent’s Game Pt 1 (Toni Topaz x Fem! Reader)

Summary: When the Southside Serpents come to Riverdale High, as a former Serpent you want to be friends with the gang like you used to be but things don’t work out how you want. Reggie suggests dating Toni to get your old relationship with the gang back but she finds out and things take a turn for the worse. (3,959 words) 

Serpent’s Game Pt 2

It had been two years since you left the Serpents and the Southside. During a gang battle, you had your hand cut badly by a switchblade when you had decided to defend Joaquin from a dangerous blade by grabbing a hold of it. The cut had almost rendered your hand useless. Luckily you could still use your hand but at times it would freeze up or start occasionally twitching at random. After this, your parents were worried about the gang activity and did everything they did to get you and them out of the Southside. And so you were forced to cut your ties with the Southside as well. And you were shocked to find the Southside Serpents finding their way to Riverdale. There were a few new members you hadn’t seen before but you definitely recognized their jackets.

“[Y/N]!” Sweet Pea jumps on you which surprises everyone. Everyone seemed to forget how you were originally part of the Southside Serpents due to your passive demeanor and kindness. Though it wasn’t always like that. Only the kindness of Betty was you able to convert to an ordinary student at Riverdale.

“Sweet Pea!” you laugh and he tries to get you to give him a piggy ride. You clutch at his legs happily.

“Hey, Jones! Meet [Y/N].” Sweet Pea chuckles, “This sucker use to be one of us too before the Ghoulies screwed her over.” he growls while ruffling, your once neat hair. You smile at the raven-headed boy and he nods at you with a smile.

“Jughead Jones,” he says and you nod.

“I know, Be-” suddenly you can’t carry Sweet Pea’s weight anymore and he falls sideways off your back, dragging you down along with him.

“What was that, [Y/N]?” Sweet Pea grumbles, rubbing the back of his head.

“Sorry, Sweet Pea,” you grimace, trying to flex your cut hand which was all of a sudden feeling weak. “I- I just slipped.” you laugh, shoving your hand into your pocket.

“Are you alright?” a petite girl with pink-streaked hair questions, offering you a hand. 

“Yeah, thanks.” you smile at the girl who grins back at you. “I hadn’t seen you in the Southside Serpents when I was around,” you say and get up yourself before dusting yourself off. Sweet Pea tries to take the girl’s offer for help but the girl drops her hand before he can.

“Toni Topaz.” she grins and you nod with a smile. “You don’t seem like you’re a Serpent.” she tilts her head with a puzzled smile, “At least not anymore,” she sends you a lopsided smile and you chuckle sheepishly.

“Guess not anymore,” you mutter, rubbing the back of your neck. Her words stung for some reason. You were completely happy with your life currently but somehow the return of the Serpents made you uneasy and Toni’s words, though meaning no harm, seemed to be questioning your relationships with the Serpent’s and Riverdale. She smiles at you before Sweet Pea swings his arm around her shoulder.

“Well, see you around, [Y/N].” Sweet Pea grins and the Serpents begin to leave.

“Wait up guys, I’ll help you get around the school.” you offer with a smile which causes Sweet Pea to laugh.

“Nah, we don’t wanna ruin your good rep, here,” he flashes you a lopsided smile. “We’re good, [Y/N].” he pats you on the shoulder roughly almost knocking you over.

“It’s alright, [Y/N]. I can take over from here.” Jughead smiles at you and leads the group off.

“Aren’t you glad to see your old friends again?” Betty smiles and touches your shoulder delicately. You shove your hand into your pocket and flash her a smile.

“I don’t know,” you mumble. Betty is worried by your hesitant response.

“Well, make sure to help them out if they don’t know where their classes are or what not,” she says, squeezing your shoulder and you nod.

“I know,” you smile at Betty to reassure her but she knows you were still anxious about the Serpents, after all, it was impossible to ignore your habits of stuffing your hurt hand in your pocket when you were nervous. It was something you picked up when you first came to the school. You were so embarrassed about the scar on your hand and how the tremors you had that you frequently would put it in your pocket.

Over the week, you kept trying to speak to Sweet Pea or anyone with the Southside Serpents. The only ones who spoke with you were Jughead and Toni. Both of them were really nice but you couldn’t help but be intimidated by Jughead’s position in the Serpents. As King of the Serpents, you didn’t want to do anything that made your image worse. So you ended up hanging out with Toni more. The lack of attention from any of your former friends saddened you as well as puzzled you. You didn’t understand why they were all ignoring you. Meanwhile, all the other Riverdale students were trying to get you to join their side. “Hey, [Y/N].” Reggie grins, blocking your way by placing his hand on your locker.

“What is it now, Reggie?” you raise an eyebrow with a sigh.

“Nothing, its just that every day I see you desperately trying to ‘befriend’ the Serpents.” he chuckles. You purse your lips and his smile widens. “I’ve got a proposal for you.” he grins, crossing his arms and leaning against your locker. “You know your sweet blonde friend? Betty’s girlfriends with the stupid gang leader.” he rolls his eyes. “But looks like she’s more friends with the Serpents than you are.” he chuckles.

“What’s your point, Reggie? I don’t understand what you want.” you sigh, reaching for your locker. He smacks your hand away and leans closer to you.

“I’m just saying maybe you should try doing what she’s doing,” he smirks. “I’ve got the perfect candidate for you too.” he leans back seeing he had piqued your interests. “That pink haired girl from the Serpents. I’m pretty sure she likes you too, I mean she’s the only one who’ll talk to you. Jughead just talks to you because you’re a friend of Betty’s.” Noticing Veronica walking over he pulls himself off your locker. “I’ll help you if you agree.” he smiles. “See you later,” he chuckles and walks off before he and Veronica can get into a fight.

“What did he want?” Veronica asks as you unlock your locker.

“I don’t really know. He wanted to make a deal with me or something.” you frown, shrugging as you take out a couple of your books and shove it into your backpack.

“Oh please, don’t try an make a deal with the devil.” she scoffs and you don’t say anything. “Don’t tell me you’re actually considering it?” she asks, shocked by your silence.

“I might because I’m at my wits end here.” you close your locker and click the lock.

“Well, what’s your problem?” she asks and you shrug while pushing your hand into your pocket. This concerns Veronica and you walk past her. You were not going to admit something so stupid and embarrassing to Veronica. You didn’t think she could understand even if she knew. Ever since she came to Riverdale, everything came to her naturally. By the first month, she was already dating Archie and everyone knew her for good or for worse. Then soon enough she had befriended Betty who had a crush on Archie. It seemed like despite anything she did, everything would be fine. It’s as if her actions had no consequences in the long run.

Over the course school, you had thought about Reggie’s offer and not knowing what to do really, you decided to agree with Reggie’s plan. You knew it was wrong but what other choice did you have? You weren’t brave enough to just ask Sweet Pea what the problem was nor were you willing to force yourself into their group. Plus you were going to confuse everyone with who’s side you were one. The school had been pretty split whether they were going to socially accept the Serpents or not. “Wow, you actually came,” Reggie chuckles. “You must really like the girl.” he raises an eyebrow in which you blush in response.

“I don’t mind,” you smile sheepishly which causes him to laugh.

“Thought you had the hots for her.” he smiles. “Anyways, what you’ve gotta do first is ask out Toni. Of course, she’s got to first of all except and second of all like it and be okay for a second one,” he says. “That’s the hardest part.” he grins at you. “Think you can woo your lady?” he questions. You shrug your hand trembling as you do so. Reggie sighs, “Alright, first of all, you’ve got find out what kind of people she like.” he says, patting your shoulder. “So what I’m thinking is, invite her over and watch one of her favorite movies or shows and get her to tell you about her favorite character and why,” he says. “Or ask her to talk about her past exes. That one's a bit tricky.” he grimaces and glances over at you. “Got it?” he asks and you nod. “In fact, text her now that you’re going to meet up with her,” he says. 

“She doesn’t have a phone.” you cross your arms.

“Then get her one.” he rolls his eyes. “Fine, I’m going to test you on details tomorrow so you better be ready.”

“What is the point of this again, Reggie?” you narrow your eyes suspiciously.

“The point is for you to befriend the Serpents. If I ask you to do anything weird you can back out if you want.” he frowns, leaning forward towards you menacingly. “Nothing weird so far right?” he asks with a smirk, leaning back against the table. You sigh, shaking your head. “Cool, now go on with it.” he waves his hand. “Ask her as soon as possible or else she’ll be taken away,” he adds and you sigh.

“Sure, Reggie,” you say before leaving. Once you left the school you found Betty waiting for you outside.

“Hey [Y/N],” she smiles hesitantly. You smile back at her.

“What’s up, Betts?” you ask, jumping off the stairs by threes.

“Well, Ronnie told me that Reggie was bothering you today,” she says tentatively which causes you to wave it off.

“It’s cool Betts, I’m going over to Toni’s so I’ll walk you home and then leave. You cool with that?” you grin, tapping your backpack strap. Betty nods and the two of you leave to her house.

“How’s it going with Toni?” Betty converses and you clear your throat nervously, shoving your hands deep into your pockets.

“Fine,” you say, keeping your voice as even as possible and Betty laughs.

“You’re the worst liar I’ve ever met which is saying something because according to Ronnie I’m the worst liar.” she chuckles and your face grows warm.

“It really is fine, Betts!” you say defensively. “I’m just,” you clear your throat, groping at your inner pocket. “I’m going to ask Toni out, someday” you confess, muttering the last word.

“That’s great, [Y/N]! I’ve been waiting for this day.” she grins and you frown.

“What?” you ask, confused.

“Come on, you don’t think I’ve noticed?” Betty nudges your arm playfully which puzzles you even more. Betty frowns at how confused you are. “Am I wrong, or have not noticed? Then why are you asking her out? Or am I taking it the wrong way?” she frowns.

“I, what? How does it look like I have a crush on her?” you ask. Betty sighs and rolls her eyes.

“Knowing you, you won’t admit it so when you see Toni look out for these three things.” Betty grins and you nod at her, watching her list them off her fingers. “First, you can’t help smile when you’re with her.” she grins. “Even when you think of her, you can’t help but smile.”

“No, I don’t,” you say, blushing but Betty just smiles at you watching a smile creeps up your face. “God, what is wrong with me,” you mumble with a bashful smile while covering your mouth.

“Second, you get really nervous when she touches or closes in on you. You like to shove your hands in your pocket, particularly your injured one. Sometimes you end up tapping your fingers if you’re really nervous or excited.” she grins as you force your hands out your pockets. “You didn’t think I would know your habits after being best friends with you for two years?” she grins, cocking her brow and you sigh in defeat.

“Fine, what’s the last one,” you mumble and Betty drops her hand.

“That’s a secret, I don’t want you going out of your way to cover your cute habits around Toni,” she smiles softly. “Maybe Toni can help you answer the last one,” she says, touching your arm. “Thanks for walking me home, [Y/N].” she grins and pats your arm. “Good luck,” she says and opens the door.

“Betts, what’s the last one?” you call out but she just gives you a playfully smile and closes the door. “Shoot, how am I going to talk to her now?” you grumble, scratching your head. Reggie was going to test you tomorrow and with Betty saying you were the worst liar you might as well invite Toni over to your house. You found her with at the White Wrym and you didn’t know how you’d confront her while she was working. You cursed at yourself for asking Betty what was revealing your crush on her. Now you were trying to do everything you could not to reveal your stupid habits. Finally settling down, you turn your back on the bar to calm yourself. Taking a deep breath you turn around and walk over to the bar. You wanted to hit yourself. You had taken so long, Toni had long noticed you, though you hadn’t noticed her starring yourself. Sitting down at the end of the table, and close your eyes to ready yourself.

“Hey, what’s up, [Y/N]?” a familiar voice chimes. Your hand immediately shoots into your pockets and you smile sheepishly up at the pink-haired girl.

“Hey, Toni.” you mutter. “When is your shift over?” you ask, drumming your fingers on the table impatiently. You glance over at FP who was serving the others.

“Well, not until nine,” she glances at the clock and you nod, looking at the clock as well.

“I was just wondering if you’d like to come over today,” you smile. “If you’re not too tired that is.”

“For what? A sleepover?” she chuckles.

“Well,” you purse your lips and she raises her hand to stop you.

“Sorry, I’ll talk to you during my break.” she flashes you a smile and leaves. You nod and once she’s gone you finally notice your fingers drumming against the table and your hidden hand. You groan and put a stop to your old habits. You watch the time, craving and dreading when her break would come.

“Hey, how you doing?” FP finally notices you and decides to greet you.

“FP!” you can’t help but smile.

“Sorry about what the Ghoulies did to you.” he frowns, his fist clenching on the table edges until his knuckles paled.

“It’s cool, FP.” you smile softly at the man who raises his eyebrow.

“You’ve changed,” he says, not really clarifying if it was for the better or for the worse. You twist your ring uneasily and he glances down at your hand. “How’s your hand?” he nods in the direction of your injured hand. You unfold your palm to reveal a scar that ran from a few centimeters below where your pinky ended across to under your index finger. FP grimaces, “Heard your hand’s still acting up?” he looks up at you from under his brows and you nod.

“Yeah, occasionally but usually when I strain my fingers or whatnot,” you explain and he nods. Suddenly you retract your hand from the table and smile behind FP’s shoulder. “Toni! Is it your break yet?” you ask. FP raises a brow and leans back from the table to allow Toni through.

“What were you two talking about?” Toni grins, “Palm reading?” she raises an eyebrow and you can’t help but smile at how charming it made her look. 

“Actually-” FP starts but you quickly cut him off.

“No, he was just looking at my ring.” you smile softly and FP cocks an eyebrow at you before pushing himself off the table.

“Well, I’ll just let you guys talk. Don’t forget to get back to work after 10.” he waves and Toni nods.

“Got it,” she calls back and she looks back at you with a grin. “So, what’s up with that ring?” she asks. “Can I see it?” she asks, glancing over the counter.

“Sure,” you beam at her, pulling off the ring and handing it to her.

“Wow, cool,” she grins looking up at you and then back at the ring. She tries it on and grins. “Where’d you get it from?” she asks, handing it back to you. Your hands brush and you fumble with the ring and end up dropping it. You bend down to grab it. You frown as you do so, flexing your good hand, confused as to why you had trouble grasping the ring.

“Sorry,” you smile goofily at her and she laughs. “Fangs was the one who gave it to me,” you grin, putting on the ring and twisting. “After the fight with the Ghoulies,” you shut your mouth, pursing your lips. You weren’t sure if you wanted her to know about your shameful scar. “I left the Serpents and um, Fangs gave me the ring so I wouldn’t forget them. Obviously, I couldn’t.” you chuckle, pulling your hand to your chest and Toni smiles softly.

“That’s sweet.” she grins and you nod. “So, after my shift, I’m coming over to your house right?” she grins, leaning forward on her elbows. “What’s up, have your parents gone out for the night?” she asks flirtatiously. 

“Yeah, and I was wondering if you’d like to watch a movie with me.” you smile bashfully, not completely understanding what she had just done. Toni sighs with a smile.

“Well, I’ll be there.” she grins and you nod enthusiastically.

After her shift, you walked Toni to your house and you did what Reggie had suggested. You pretty much interrogated her the entire and she was amused at the number of questions you asked. “Are we going to watch the movie or not? I could just tell you the whole plot if you really want.” she laughs and you shake your head.

“No, it’s fine.” you smile tightly and shut your mouth the rest of the movie. Turns out watching a movie wasn’t the best option to socialize with Toni after all, your attention fully on the screen the rest of the time.

An hour in, Toni began resting her head on your shoulder which caused you to break your attention from the screen. You were spinning your ring around your finger like crazy. Glancing over you realize she was barely awake and you wipe your palms on your clothes. Why hadn’t you noticed she was tired from work? You wait until her breathing grew even and you set down her gently. Obviously, it was impossible to do so without waking her up. “Sorry, [Y/N], I’m just a little tired.” she smiles weakly and you smile back, worried.

“It’s alright, Toni, I just don’t want you sleeping on the couch,” you mutter. Toni nods groggily and gets up. You accompany her to your room and you pull off her boots before getting her settled into your bed. “Sorry, Toni,” you mumble, patting the blanket. “I’m going to turn off the TV, sleep well,” you say with a small smile. She hums tiredly back and you leave and close the door quietly on your way out. Turning off the TV, you get on the couch yourself and try to get some sleep, hoping Sweet Pea and Fangs could be your friends again soon.

The next day you report to Reggie what had happened and he is majorly disappointed in you until he forces you to explain everything that happened and you add the part about your parents being out. He was stoked to hear that and set up your next date with Toni. Before you knew it the Sweet Pea and Fangs and the rest of the gang had warmed up to you. Like Reggie said, it happened soon after the two of you were going out. Not only were you dating Toni and friends with the Southside Serpents but your new best friend had suddenly become Reggie. Over the course, it turns out he was actually a really nice fellow and he was quite experienced in swooning girls as well. Unfortunately, the rest of the school didn’t take it well. They were spreading strange rumors around about you and Toni. They were angry about you taking the sides of the Serpent which angered Toni. “She’s not taking anyone’s side.” Toni defends, angry at Kevin for accusing you of such things. Suddenly guilt hits you. The reason why you had started to go for Toni was that you were desperate for the Serpent’s approval. You grimace at her words.

“Please just stop, Toni.” you touch her hand gently. Toni glares daggers into Kevin and plops down, arms crossed, beside you with a huff.

“Well, I do recall Reggie scheming a plan where [Y/N] was to date you to get back into the Serpents.” Betty mumbles, her dissatisfaction towards your relationship Reggie manifesting in spite. But immediately after saying so, she regretted it.

“That’s not true,” Toni frowns, folding her arms, doing her best to ignore Betty’s words but she couldn’t. She knew Betty was a bad liar and she could tell that she wasn’t lying. You were shocked at how Betty had gained this information and you hated to lie to Toni but you didn’t want to lose the Southside Serpents.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Betty.” you mutter, unable to look anyone in the eye. Betty is shocked by your words and she shakes her head.

“Don’t lie to me, [Y/N].” Toni snaps harshly and you close your eyes guiltily.

“I’m not,” you grumble and she just stares at you silently.

“You are, you’re the worst liar ever. And even if I didn’t know you were lying, Betty sure wasn’t,” she says angrily. “Why would you lie to me?” she glares at you and you fumble with your ring in your pocket, unwilling to look her in the eye. “You know what? People may think what you just did was because you were a Serpent but I know that it wasn’t because you were a Serpent. It was because you were a terrible person.” she stands up angrily. “And what really sucks is that I can’t see you as a terrible person.” her voice shakes. “I want to believe you were a good person who just made a terrible mistake but,” she shakes her head, silent tears fall down her face which startles you.

“Toni,” you stand up but she wipes her tears away.

“I’m sorry, I just need to think this over,” she mumbles and leaves. The room grows dreadfully silent. 

Your eyes stung from hurting Toni. How messed up could you be? Blinking away the tears, you leave the school, hoping this would end well. Even if things ended badly, you just hoped that Toni would be happy in the end. At least she deserved it.

[floggingink]

Riverdale, “Episode Twenty-One: House of the Devil”

Jughead writes at the Whyte Wyrm now, which presumably people, there, still think is weird

Fifth period is AP English: Jughead compares the Black Hood to Edgar Allan Poe’s Red Death, which I think was an allegory for like, the Plague

“CARNAL DEFIANCE”

Sixth period is Intro to Film: Why does Cheryl call Archie & Veronica making out “xenomorphs,” which are the aliens in Aliens? I need help

Jughead drops the name “Varchie,” truly proving he is not above the rest of us

I like to think that Jughead chronicling the carnal defiance is him thinking to himself how objective and journalistic he is being

the carnal defiance montage is good, though

Veronica was rich: “The tasting menu at Pourquoi is thirteen courses, Archie.”

literally on a white fur rug in front of a fire?

I like the soft class differences in Archie immediately suggesting they maybe watch Netflix and Veronica immediately suggesting they maybe watch HBO

Veronica as usual is an emotionally-multitasking saint-genius in giving Archie a genuine had-a-good-time kiss as he frantically leaves

Jug calls McGinty “Freddy Krueger,” which I will allow

Jughead doubts it: Jughead is “dubious” that the Reaper is the BH, as he’d have to be in his 60’s. plus, he was MAYBE lynched! or they lynched someone who was MAYBE him!

God, Betty and Jughead Black & Golding it up at Pop’s hit me with some choice nostalgia. remember when they tried to break Polly out of Catholic school? innocent times!

“YOU DON’T HAVE TO, OKAY.”

Betty’s sweater with that red pencil skirt???

Veronica’s sleeveless floral blouse with that bow???

Veronica VERY NICELY looks excited that FP is getting out of jail. I don’t know if she cares, but she will act like she cares. Veronica is just that good

Archie > Dawson: Archie being like, I assume you need help with something because your life sucks and I’ve come to expect it, and Jughead and Betty being like, Yes, continue to investigate this decades-old murder while we plan a working-class graduation party, truly, sums everything up about them

I do applaud the self-awareness of Veronica being like, We’re Bughead right now?

these two angels are up for it. Archie doesn’t give him any nonsense about Moose’s physical therapy (I hope Moose is okay). he’ll Scooby Gang with Veronica for his bro

Cheryl’s pins: Cheryl has her own special red towel, because…..because…..

Gay?!: I do want an unprompted back massage with lavender essential oil from Cheryl, but Josie is one tea with Penelope away from needing to Get Out

What damn high school in America: weirdly, I feel like Ms. Svenson is largely guileless here, but like...don’t just open the door…

Cheryl draws back, the moment over, Josie is like...I gotta go...

Hiram’s exceedingly wholesome red sweater

Veronica gets my favorite line of the night: “Well, I don’t know about those other people, but we’re ACTUALLY SINNERS.”

“Damn good coffee”: I don’t know what “the martial arts” are, but Andre is trained in them

Smithers is dead, right? Smithers is dead

The female gaze: “Archie, as pictured here exiting the shower, would literally die for you, so keep him around.”

can we give Archie a more interesting phone background?

Alice is dusting with an actual feather duster? those DO not work

TBH what is Jughead’s plan with the Mayor? she has demonstrated many times over that she does not GAF about the southside, and Jughead is not exactly a charismatic master salesman. what he needs to do is get Veronica to talk to HIRAM about the southside, but that ship has sailed. I want to say I’m with Serpent Daddy on this one, and you know what if that makes me a little bitch, THEN I GUESS I AM ONE

I do like the Generation Z insurrection from inside of the Serpents, though. phase out the olds! maybe Tall Boy SHOULD shut up and let them fucking try and actually save their part of town. it won’t work, but it will be honorable. plus then they’d be younger and cooler, like the Ghoulies. okay, Jughead, you brought me around. except at this point in time I still think I would rather be a Ghoulie

Jughead drunk on his own righteousness and calling for “a vote” to oust Tall Boy is like the most assertive he has ever been

Veronica, hell-bent that they not talk about It, brings up the murder house, the BH letter, and how she wants to get laid

Veronica has her reading glasses at the breakfast table!!! VERONICA I LOVE YOU. I’LL SAY IT TOO

okay I do think Fred is right that with “those three words,” people are usually “on different schedules”

Please protect Betty: Alice lets Betty “borrow” the station wagon on the condition that she, Alice, drives it

INCREDIBLY SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED? CARNAL DEFIANCE?

“Mom! What?” “Wow.”

brace yourself because the Riverdale prison is called “Shankshaw”

FP leaving the Serpents is fucking news to Jughead

“Working, Warden Cooper.”

oh, AA? AA, FP? I’m looking at my watch

FP lifting his pinkie to drink his coffee like Alice shows just how fierce prison turned him

Sheriff Keller’s continued patience with the Scoobies is the act of a desperate man

“The Devil’s house? What if he’s home?”

Sexy, aesthetic Southside:  Jughead’s motorcycle jacket is good and his helmet hair is great

of course FP has that obnoxious man-child motorcycle with the jacked-up handlebars

FP and Jughead have apparently parked alongside a Civil War battlefield

FP says when he was 16, Jughead’s age, his father kicked him out of the house, so he joined the Serpents. this is like exactly the opposite of what FP & Jughead are doing, but in the saddest possible way

Jughead must ACTUALLY like being in the Serpents. a group where he isn’t the odd one out all the time. the non-joiner joined and now doesn’t want to leave

FP’s condition is that Jughead keeps writing. FP DOES LOVE HIS SON, THE SCREW-UP

“I will. I do, every day.” YOU’RE BETTER THAN ME, JUG

I can’t endorse FP’s knockoff Ray-Bans, though

Cheryl’s sheaths: THAT SHIRT?

The 2001 Josie and the Pussycats movie was a masterpiece: Cheryl is DISGUSTED that Reggie is going to escort Josie to his father’s car dealership opening. $5,000, though?? to some people, Cheryl, that is A LOT OF MONEY

The Blossom spawn: “Clean that up, plebe. The way you did my brother’s blood.”

Cheryl’s a chaos angel from hell: I think Cheryl is allowed at least one lashing-out at FP (FOR DISPOSING OF HER BROTHER’S BODY) and FP knows it

a “king”? a “leader of men”? was he, Jughead?

Betty’s solution is, as always, to throw a party

These students are legally children: Toni is bartending? Toni, a legal child, is bartending? I think if Alice really wanted to hit them where it hurts she could simply report them to the ABC for flagrant underage drinking violations (Toni is not drinking)

I say “X-adjacent” all the time, so I liked Betty calling herself “Serpent-adjacent” 

ALTHOUGH SHE IS JUST AS MUCH A HEREDITARY SERPENT AS JUGHEAD

Byrdie, I think, smokes a couple of packs a day

Jughead wants the Serpents to stick up for themselves through actually viable legal channels. Toni wants to eliminate their sexist, misogynistic initial rituals. Sweet Pea probably wants to include an outreach program and feed little kids before school in case they can’t afford breakfast! PURGE THE OLDS FROM THE SERPENTS, THE KIDS ARE DOING GREAT

Jughead has come a long way from balking at Betty throwing him a birthday party for like six people to convincing FP that a retirement party at the alcoholic bar owned by his old biker gang will be fun, only last “like three hours”

“Don’t bogart the egg rolls.”

Penny thinks Jughead’s “soft underbelly” is his “quite fetching” girlfriend, even more than his well-meaning dolt father

Veronica’s cape!!!!!

FLASHBACK CAM!!!!

of course the SHATTERED PORTRAIT of mother and child is still there, like in Tarzan

this Reaper was a stone-cold motherfucker

OH, THE ORIGINAL BLOODSTAINED WOOD IS STILL THERE?

Archie finds the clue box! Veronica finds the third child’s initials! Archie and Veronica are GREAT Betty and Jugheads!

why is Penny AROUND if EVERYONE is scared of her? because she can actually do a good job when she’s “incentivized”?

Fwoopy hair is the best hair: Toni’s lovely, looping pink side-braids

Alice storms over to Pop’s, preemptively furious that Betty is going to pole dance to become Serpent-adjacent

FP is like, PLEASE SHUT UP

this scene is GREAT. “THEY WEREN’T ALL MISTAKES.” FP’s bowtie! he looks great in white? “Are you high on fumes?”

Alice tries to throw Hal in FP’s face and FP is like, drop that like it’s hot

Best costume bit: Veronica’s perkily no-nonsense Lois Lane outfit during the debrief

I’ve seen Brick like thirty times: Jughead is quick to point out the possible Dexter ramifications on a body having to watch their family get murdered

Jughead sort of coos in Betty’s ear to remind her they have to leave

Betty’s belated invitation amuses Veronica and nonplusses Archie, and Jughead rather gallantly gives them an easy out in case they like DON’T WANT TO GO, “IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL”

Archie’s waist looks particularly small in that shirt

Joseph Conway honestly out here thinking he can outrun Archie! when the only person who can do that is Jughead Jones!

AN EVIL PREACHER!

A REAL MOB!

Summer + Blair = Veronica: Veronica’s interrogation was great because Veronica is a natural Bad Cop

Betty has a picture of herself and Jughead at the Retro Reunion Dance from Hell on her mirror

I think Hermione and Hiram say “I love you” all the time, in many different ways. he calls her a dove. she brings him his coffee. he gets her boyfriend’s underage construction workers beaten up. she claims she wrote a threatening letter about herself

Archie’s brown Henley

Jughead did “a sweep” of “the perimeter”

Archie telling himself it’s going to be a good night, Jughead pats him on the back: “Here’s hoping”

Mädchen Amick, MÄDCHEN AMICK: once again Alice demonstrates that dressing “like the southside” does not preclude dressing fabulously, rather that other Serpents are simply not putting in the time

Alice does not want the worm that comes with her shot of mezcal

Jughead, PRECIOUSLY, clarifies that when he said “You look incredible,” he meant Betty, he was not hitting on Alice

Archie is VERY GOOD telling Veronica that he said what he said because HE was feeling good! GOOD, ARCHIE

HOLD THE PHONE, HAS ARCHIE SEEN DONNIE DARKO?

Archie immediately pivots to passive aggression when his kindness is not reciprocated with declarations of love! BAD, ARCHIE

“Mad World” is a great song. I would hedge on whether or not it’s a great karaoke song. I would strongly hedge on whether it’s a rousing crowd-pleaser at a drunken gangbanger send-off

did Archie like Donnie Darko? did he understand it? if so, could he explain it to me?

Veronica’s silky alto makes another appearance

“DEAD END FP”????

I’m writing a scene where it’s gay.: oh, Sweet Pea’s there! Sweet Pea is standing alone by the wall. Sweet Pea COULD be standing with Jughead, if he wanted. Jughead is also standing alone

apparently Betty has a whole secret drawer of black lingerie

never in ten thousand billion years would Jughead enjoy any sort of exhibitionism on Betty’s behalf in front of other people. BECAUSE HE’S FUCKING SHY, unless he’s calling Tall Boy a bitch

Gay.: Toni is amused. carnal defiance?

50 Shades of Betty: is Betty a Serpent now? BETTY?

I did rather enjoy the possibly inadvertent parallel to that episode of Fresh Prince when Will and Carlton end up stripping together at that rich-lady benefit and Aunt Viv walks in on it and she’s like, “PUT IT ON.”

FP, I want to say, saves the day by taking charge of the fallout: “Ha ha, great! EVERYTHING’S FINE! Put this on.”

Certified pedigree: OF COURSE. OF COURSE. OF COURSE. OF COURSE. OF COURSE FP IS GOING BACK TO THE SERPENTS. of course he does it with the most melodramatic speech possible. of course he does it by dismissing his own son, dismissing his family, dismissing parole, dismissing sobriety. of course he’s actually doing it to protect Jughead but of course doing do by actually destroying Jughead’s life in a different way

“Coyote Ugly” is pretty good

“I AM NOT GOING GENTLY INTO THE NIGHT!” FP, do you read Dylan Thomas?!

FP’S KISS OF DEATH. FP’S FREDO KISS. “YOU BROKE MY HEART, JUGHEAD.”

the shot he takes right to Jughead’s face is just mean

Jughead looks fucking stunned. can you be numb AND horrified? horrifumbed?

Veronica doesn’t have any deep-seated issues, for God’s sake! she isn’t in love with Archie right now! everyone take a breath!

Andre sat in the car during the whole party? I see a missed opportunity here

the hat’s off! HAT’S OFF

Jughead considers Archie gone, that he “cut bait,” a phrase I admit I have never heard before. Jughead is operating with the assumption that Archie has written him off and that Betty needs to do so as well, so it’s like the Archie-Jughead breakup, but sort of sideways

“I’M DRAGGING MY DAD DOWN.”

“You might get...you will probably get hurt.”

I did like the CLASSICALLY DRAMATIC wrenching Jughead back around by the arm and holding his face. IF YOU KIDS WOULD JUST SHUT UP AND HOLD EACH OTHER’S FACES. remember when sorcerer dementia-phantom Nana Rose scared you snooping in Jason Blossom’s bedroom??? innocent times!!!!!

I’m looking at this photograph of the Hangin’ Mob and I can’t tell who’s who, and it fills me with glee!

Every triangle has three corners, every triangle has three sides: I’m not sure what Betty and Archie are supposed to be seeing in each other for the very first time, unless it’s that they scare their partners or something. can Betty and Archie Blue & Gold? maybe! Archie wasn’t great at holding the line against Betty when she was falling down the Black Hood rabbit hole, but he did recognize it when it was happening, PLUS he’s a huge handsome slab of boy meat! TIME TO STEP UP, ARCHIE

hey, is Jughead homeless again?

TOMORROW: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?