#my last job understood that socializing was beyond me until after lunch they never made me talk much in meetings before noon

[freebooter4ever]

checked the schedule and the rangers are making the poor los angeles players play at 10am. they gotta fly all the way out there to the east coast and play at 10am. on a saturday. this is cruelty.

[someonestolemyshoes]

Off the Record

Hello!! I am super excited to finally post my entry for @levihan-drabbles competition :D The prompt was super interesting and I had a tonne of fun writing this one! 

The prompt I received was: Hange posts a picture of Levi somewhere and it becomes a meme.

(For those curious, this is the meme I used for inspiration) 

Hange pushed her plate across the table and grinned at him. "Levi! Fancy seeing you here! To what do I owe the pleasure?"

Levi's lip curled.

"You know what," he said. Hange braced her elbows on the table and rested her chin atop her knotted fingers.

"Enlighten me."

Colour rose in Levi's cheeks. For a moment, Hange felt a little guilty. For all Levi's grumbling and grunting, Hange had never seen him angry before.

"That bullshit article."

"Ah. Was there a problem?"

Hange met Moblit in a small cafe a little way down the road from the newsroom. She was in good spirits—her morning had been productive; she'd made steady headway with research for her next interview, finished the final edits for a few smaller tabloid pieces she'd been meaning to brush up, attended three short, perfunctory meetings on tedious company policy, and laid the groundwork for another exciting interview opportunity.  

She felt good. And now she had the pleasurable prospect of a hearty lunch, a passable cup of coffee, and perhaps best of all, Moblit's company. His company, and his camera.

Hange threw herself into the seat opposite Moblit the moment she spotted him, hunched over his laptop in a corner of the cafe. He lifted his coffee cup just in time for Hange to clatter against the table, the thin metal frame rattling precariously. She offered him a sheepish grin.

"Sorry," she said, and then, "got anything exciting?"

"I don't know about exciting. Interesting, maybe, but no breaking news."

Hange flagged down a passing waitress with one hand, and waved Moblit off with the other. "Doesn't matter, doesn't matter," she said, then paused to order a drink and her favourite sandwich. "Tell me anyway."

"I got a tip-off from a waiter at Sina's."

Hange's eyes sparkled behind her glasses. She sat forward in her chair, folding her arms on the table top as she leaned closer. "Who?"

"Take a guess."

Hange grinned at him. Moblit was not one to play coy; he did his job and did it well, and reported his findings efficiently. To leave her to question it meant one of two things; he had photographed someone very high profile indeed, or it was somebody Hange was, for better or for worse, well acquainted with.

Or perhaps, if she were lucky, it was both.

"Let me see him, then."

**

Hange had taken far too much time in the cafe with Moblit. He had given her a rundown of all the details he'd gathered during his field work that morning, and shown her through his extensive photo gallery. It was impressive, the kind of archive Moblit could cultivate with only a 45 minute breakfast window.

Hange had been delighted. Moblit was right; it wasn't breaking news, nothing particularly thrilling, but there was a corner of the Internet, Hange knew, that would delight in a trashy little article just like this. Something quick and simple to bulk up the social media feed for the afternoon.

Plus, there was a series of pictures Moblit had snapped, a cluster he'd thought to be of no real merit, that Hange simply could not pass up.

She could lay down no facts with a story like this one. There was no hard-hitting investigative journalism to be had, but she could at least offer some speculation based on her knowledge of the subjects involved, and spin a tale juicy enough to get people talking.

It took little time at all to put the article together. Hange scribbled up an outline for the contents—the location; Sina's in downtown Hizuru, a luxurious restaurant serving five star meals at every hour of the day. High in quality, sickeningly steep in price. The time of day; 9am. To the best of Hange's knowledge, this was rather out of character for the subject. He was an early riser, but according to their interview last March pending the premiere of his newest movie, he wasn't the type to eat much at all before lunch time.

And then, the company. Eren Yeager was a relatively well-known actor, barely an adult at nineteen. He starred in his first role a decade earlier, and had seen commercial success in multiple movies and TV shows ever since. He had been something of a prodigy in his younger years, bold and precocious, possessing a natural talent many actors years his senior couldn't even hope for. As Hange understood it, he had recently hit a rather troublesome phase. An interesting line of inquiry, but despite his talent and his fame, Eren's presence was simply a cameo, compared to the subject of the article Hange was drawing up.

Levi Ackerman.

Levi is a fan favourite and a media delight. He's attractive no doubt, and his performance in any and every role is almost always met with critical acclaim. Outside of his career, however, he's an elusive thing, silent in any matters pertaining to his private life. He avoids any public event like the plague, and rarely shows his face at premieres or award ceremonies if he can possibly avoid it. He gives interviews only when required by some contractual obligation or other, or else when the journalist in question is so painfully persistent that it is simply easier to give in than to keep fighting.

Little of his personal life is known, but it is impossible for someone in Levi's position to avoid interacting with anybody at all, and even the great Levi Ackerman is not above scrutiny.

There are rumours. Several of them, accounts from fellow cast members, from staff, from directors, and even Erwin, his manager, has alluded more than once to Levi's sour disposition. He is prone, Hange has heard, to fits of anger, and is easily disgruntled by minor inconveniences. His dislike of anything unclean or untidy is the stuff of legends—Hange has seen this first hand, at their very first interview. He had entered the room, scowled at the chair before sitting in it, and given Hange a thorough once over before announcing, with no hint of humour, "your glasses are filthy."

Hange had found him both fascinating and quite delightful, in his own strange way. When he acts, Levi sounds eloquent; he is a master of emotive performance, wringing the last drops of anger, despair, or grief out of each and every word, or else injecting the perfect giddy jitter, or a tremor of humour when the scene called for it. As soon as the cameras stop rolling, though, Levi's tone becomes flat, and without a script, his words are clumsy and crass. He communicates poorly, quick to throw insults and crude remarks. Hange has interviewed him a number of times—she counts herself very lucky that Levi will consent to her requests without too much fuss, these days—and each time she finds herself spending half of their time together translating his answers into something a) family friendly, and b) understandable to the everyday reader.

There is nothing for Hange to translate this time. Moblit managed to speak to the waiter after Levi and Eren had vacated in hopes of gleaning any small tidbit of knowledge regarding their conversation, but the venture had been hopeless. The pair had grown silent upon the approach of any staff member, and spoke in tones too hushed for anyone nearby to hear. They learned nothing they couldn't extrapolate for themselves from Moblit's pictures; Eren looked sheepish, avoiding Levi's gaze in favour of staring into his drink, while Levi—

Levi looked furious.

Every picture featured his signature frown, which, in and of itself wasn't enough to assume Levi to be in any mood besides neutral, but some of the photos show a hint of bared teeth or pursed lips, with his brows pulled lower than normal, the space between them deeply creased. Hange found herself curious as both a journalist and as an acquaintance. They may not be friends, but Hange liked to think she knew Levi a little better than most people, at least. She could find nothing in their past interactions to suggest any relationship with Eren beyond the strictly professional. They had over a decade between them, and though they had worked together on more than one set, neither party had ever said anything to insinuate so much as a friendly attitude between them.

There was no resolution to her queries to be easily found. And luckily for Hange, this particular piece didn't require any. It was a gossip article, something spicy, jam-packed with buzzwords, what-if's and more questions than answers, designed to make people wonder. Levi's name in the title would be enough to draw people in; Eren's name was an added bonus. But the star of the show was Moblit's photography. Hange arranged the images she had chosen in a grid. In context, the pictures were intriguing, depicting a particularly ferocious part of Levi and Eren's exchange. Out of context, they looked a little ridiculous. Both would bring readers onto their home page.

Satisfied with her work, Hange queued the finished article for review, and turned her attention back to her schedule.

**

The article launched mid-afternoon. Hange watched, somewhat satisfied, as it was received much as she had expected it to be. The activity on their Twitter account skyrocketed, the tweet in question garnering more likes, retweets and replies in the hour after it's post than any other they’d dropped in the last month.

Hange had allowed it to slip from her mind after the first hour or so. She received praise from her bosses, and a text from Moblit, jokingly demanding she pay him even more handsomely for his work than she already had, and her cousin had called her in the evening on a quest for insider gossip she could share with her friends, but that had been the end of it. Hange thought of it no more until early the following morning, when she had stopped by the quiet little cafe beneath her flat for breakfast and her favourite coffee.

She had been polishing off her pancakes when the bell above the door chimed. She had paid little attention to the newcomer, until a shadow passed over her table, and a familiar voice said, "Oi, shitty glasses."

Hange looked up to see Levi Ackerman himself standing over her, his face twisted in a scowl.

There are perks of being reasonably acquainted with Levi. Hange always gets to conduct his interviews, and Levi only ever turns her down if her request is unreasonable. Like that time she demanded he meet her at this very coffee shop for "just a quick piece, about the cameo you did for the new season of Titans", only to show him she'd bought a new pair of glasses—"look, all clean!"—and, when pressed, admitted there was no interview at all. He had been far more hesitant to indulge her in smaller affairs after that, but Hange was still lucky enough to be his only regular interviewer after big releases.

More interviews means more commission for Hange, and more high profile work with other celebrities. Yes, being acquainted with Levi has its bonuses.

But it also has its downsides. Namely, that Levi will not hesitate to turn up at her regular coffee shop to berate her after she has posted some complete and utter wank at his expense.

Hange pushed her plate across the table and grinned at him. "Levi! Fancy seeing you here! To what do I owe the pleasure?"

Levi's lip curled.

"You know what," he said. Hange braced her elbows on the table and rested her chin atop her knotted fingers.

"Enlighten me."

Colour rose in Levi's cheeks. For a moment, Hange felt a little guilty. For all Levi's grumbling and grunting, Hange had never seen him angry before.

"That bullshit article."

"Ah. Was there a problem?"

"You're a piece of shit, you know that?"

Hange sat back in her chair and sipped at her coffee. Levi's face was full colour now, a pale pink flush from his neck right up to his hairline. Hange gave him a measured look, then kicked out the chair opposite her.

"Sit," she said. "If you have issues, I'd be happy to discuss."

Levi looked for a moment like he'd like nothing more than to strangle her. Then he pulled out the chair the rest of the way, and dropped himself into it.

"I don't give a fuck about the article," he said. "It's shitty gossip anyway."

Hange raised a brow at him. She opened her mouth to continue when, without prompt, a young waitress approached their table, practically bouncing on the spot as she stopped and gave Levi a dazzling smile. Her cheeks were flushed prettily, and Hange would have thought she were simply starstruck, if it weren't for the light of mirth in her eyes.

"Good morning, sir. Can I get you anything?" She gave Levi no chance to respond, before plowing on. "Water? Or tea, perhaps? Forgive me, but you seem a little upset. Might a nice tea calm you down?"

Levi grit his teeth. "No, thank you."

Hange almost apologised to the poor waitress on his behalf, but she didn't look bothered at all by his rudeness. In fact, she had barely turned from the table before she snorted in laughter, and caught her giggles in her hands as she scurried back behind the counter. A second passed, before all three waitresses snickered.

"That," Levi hissed, "is your fault."

Now Hange truly was confused. She furrowed her brow at him. "How does that have anything to do with me?"

"You and your stupid article," he said. Hange looked back to the waitress, who looked to their table again before falling into a fresh fit of giggles. Hange turned back to Levi, a little sympathetic.

"I think she just fancies you."

"You're trying to tell me you really don't know the mess you've caused?"

Hange shook her head slowly. Levi watched her closely, searching for proof of the lie, but Hange's earnestness must have shown through, for Levi's anger abated a little, and he slumped back on his chair.  

In lieu of a verbal explanation, Levi pulled out his phone. He tapped the screen a few times, typed something out, and scrolled a little way, before placing the phone on the table and sliding it towards her. Hange pulled it closer with a frown.

The screen displayed Twitter, and showed the feed beneath the search for Levi's name. Hange scrolled a few posts, eyes widening little by little as she went.

Levi was right. The contents of the article were of little significance at all. The photo grid, however, had gone viral overnight.

It showed four pictures of Levi and Eren, taken in succession. Each one showed only a portion of the back of Eren's head, but Levi's expression in every frame was more animated than Hange had ever seen him outside of his movie scenes, and each was more distraught than the last. Face tight, jaw clenched, teeth bared, with his finger pointed condescendingly in Eren's face. The second last picture shows his brows arched and his lips pressed into a thin line, and the final one—

Hange had laughed at it in isolation when Moblit had shown her. She had fully expected it to garner a few laughs, but she hadn't expected a photograph of Levi furiously slurping his tea to become a meme in less than 24 hours.  

"I see," Hange said, as she calmly slid the phone back to him. "In my defense, you don't help yourself. It wouldn't be half as funny if you didn't hold your tea cup so weird."

"In my defense," Levi snapped, "If you didn't post it online nobody would have anything to laugh at."

Hange crossed her arms on the table and leaned towards him, smiling pleasantly. "In your defense, you wouldn't have been so angry in public if it weren't for whatever Eren had to say. What was that about, by the way? I'm terribly curious."

Hange expected a very Levi response to her prying; a scowl, perhaps a quick kick under the table, an 'It's none of your damn business, four-eyes', if she were lucky.

What she got instead was a haughty sniff, and a gruff, "He's fucking my cousin."

For a moment, they were silent. Either Levi's anger at his new meme status had temporarily disabled the part of his brain that blocked any mention of his private life from slipping past his lips in the wrong company, or something about Eren's indiscretion had rattled him so much, he couldn't keep silent about it. Either way, he looked increasingly surprised—and horrified—at himself for saying it out loud. Hange's eyes were wide, and Levi's were growing wider by the second. Of all the people to slip up to, he had slipped up to her. An entertainment journalist, the one person in his life who thrived on this kind of insider knowledge.

Hange swallowed. Levi was still staring at her like a deer in headlights, no doubt painfully aware that there was no taking back what he had said now.

Hange doesn't take a great deal of pride in what she does. She feels satisfied when her stories receive the reception she'd predicted, validated in her ability to analyse their consumer base and make accurate assumptions about what will hit and what won't, but the work itself feels dirty, at times. An opportunistic scavenger feeding on whatever carrion they can find, no matter how rotten it may be.

This is a perfect opportunity. Salacious details of Levi's interpersonal relationships, right from the horse's mouth. If it were anyone else, Hange would be scribbling every word verbatim in her notebook.

But this is Levi. Levi, who seems jarred by her last article (though Hange will maintain this, at least, is no real fault of her journalism, and also, absolutely hilarious) and was clearly, for whatever reason, incensed by Eren's actions.

Hange brushed her palms over her thighs, and picked a speck of lint from her trousers.

"This is nice, isn't it?" She said, "having breakfast together. We should do it more often. It feels good to just talk, sometimes. Off the record."  

Levi blinked rapidly at her. He opened his mouth, but, still too shocked by his own loose tongue to speak, he said nothing. Hange pulled her phone from her bag and fiddled around with it some, tapping here and there, until she found what she was looking for. She turned it to Levi, and said, "I think this is my favourite edit so far."

Levi finally pulled his gaze from her, and looked down at the screen. It was truly something, the way the picture snapped him out of his stunned silence. Hange had never seen someone's face pinch up so rapidly.

"Come on, it's kinda funny. And look! That's Tony Stark, right? People are so creative. And maybe, if we're really lucky, Buzzfeed will do a compilation article of all the best ways people have used your new meme."  

Levi rolled his eyes at her. It looked strange, with his face so tightly twisted. Hange chuckled at him.

She nudged his ankle beneath the table with the toe of her shoe. "Lighten up, you look constipated."

"Oi, out of the two of us I'm not the one who's full of—"

"—Full of shit, I know, I know. That honour is all mine."

They lapsed into another silence, this one marginally more comfortable than the last. Hange finished the last of her coffee and checked her emails, while Levi tortured himself some more by scrolling through his Twitter feed. After a short while, he spoke again.

"That...doesn't sound bad," he said.

"Hm?"

"What you said about talking more. Off the record. It doesn't sound bad."

It was Hange's turn to flush. Heat rose in her cheeks, and she occupied herself by rifling through her bag in search of nothing.

"Yeah?" Her voice, an octave higher than usual, cracked around the vowels. She cleared her throat, "will you have more gossip for me? It's almost painful that I can't share it, you know."

"Good. I'll share as many secrets as I've got, if it'll bother you that much."

"Sounds terrible," Hange said. She tore a clean corner off her napkin and scribbled her personal number onto it. She slid it over the table to him. "Text me."

Levi pulled a face at the piece of napkin. "Is that used? Gross, shitty four-eyes." He pocketed it anyway.

Hange didn't know what else to say. Levi didn't seem to either, and so he stood, and tucked his chair back in. Hange turned her eyes down to her empty plate. Her stomach and chest felt strange, almost sickly, but in an oddly pleasant way.

Levi rapped his knuckles on the table. Hange jumped, startled, and looked up at the sound.

"This part is on the record," he said. The corner of Levi's mouth quirked into a small, barely there grin. "I heard from a reliable source that Eren was so scared on the set of Last War that he pissed his pants. Twice."

[everydayanth]

Academic Elitism: an institutional issue

Sorry for being so rant-y lately, but the elitism of university has been a problem for me from the exact moment I accepted my scholarship with a signature and a handshake in high school. (The scholarship was later revoked due to state up-fuckery, but that’s another story, and I was already in too deep by the time they told me).

My parent’s house was only an hour north, my younger sister had already claimed my room, but I was excited. I was in the furthest dorm building, because that’s where the scholarship kids went, it was like a poor kid diversity hall, every few doors was someone from a completely different background, but we were all poor except our Swedish RA, and there was an odd pride in that. We all had various scholarships: robotics, dance team, nerds like me, etc. (not the football or hockey athletes though, they had their own dorm next to the library for... reasons, lol).

But being the last hall, it wasn’t actually full, most of us had entire rooms to ourselves, often whole suites; our hall was co-ed, but rooms were only occupied at every-other, staggered down the corridor. Only the front two halls were used, the back two closed off for construction or codes or something. We had to hike up the hill for dining halls, which was fine until snowdays that shut the whole campus down (and I mean west Michigan ones, with 4+ feet of powder and ice underneath). I had an old computer my dad got me for graduation and I didn’t know it was old until my peers started calling it a dinosaur. I had to use the library computers to write and print papers, and most places I went, I ran into the other scholarship kids. We didn’t talk much, just a head bob here and there, awareness at our similarities and an annoyed spite at being thrown together this way. It was lonely for everyone.

I had a purple flip phone I’d gotten only that calendar year (2009) and was still learning to text with (abbreviations? instant messaging? what?). My roommate had come down from Alaska to live near her dad, we’d talked in the summer, but I never saw her. I moved my things in and her stuff was on her side, I texted her about going to turn in paperwork and when I came back, there was a note on my bed and all her things were gone, she couldn’t do it, had never been away from home for even a night. She left a few mismatched socks and a bag of junk pens that I resented for years. 

Social media was mostly a way to talk to people across campus and exchange homework and party times/locations. We posted over-edited photos of our food and still jogged with our mp3 players and ipods. But within two years, I had to trade in my computer three times and upgrade to a smartphone to keep up with the expectations of communication. Professors would cancel classes by emails an hour out, and if I was on campus, I simply didn’t get the message, running between classes with 19 credit hours and three jobs. Work would call in or cancel my appointments (tutoring) and I needed to be able to communicate at the rate of my peers, so though it wasn’t something we could easily afford, my parents let me get the smartphone and my dad helped me find computers that could keep up with writing papers and researching without having to go to the lab, which saved so much time. 

There was little understanding for my suffering. I didn’t have a car, I had to call my parents and organize a time to get home or take the train which was more expensive than waiting around on an empty campus. They were often things that even the wealthiest students had to deal with, but there were so much more of them for us, more stress, more problems, more solutions, more consequences, and in some ways, more determination.

I spent plenty of breaks holed up in my room, but when the swine flu/H1N1 outbreak happened, guess where they quarantined students?

In our hall. 

Not the back one that was closed. In the room attached to my suite. 

After half a semester alone, suddenly strangers shared my bathroom. I never saw them, I would just hear the formidable click of the bathroom lock followed by the shower. A week later I got a blue half-sheet note in my mailbox about quarantines. The other kids were as pissed off, as we watched kids escorted in with blue masks and were told to just get cleaning wipes from the front desk –they ran out in a week. 

We were the recyclable students, brought in to trade scholarships for university grade averages. Many of my friends were struggling with scholarship qualifications and gpas (which only encouraged my continual obsessive perfectionism and involvement). 

We were expendable. 

I didn’t understand the elitism then, or I did, but I’d twisted it in my head from years tossed between private and public schools. I was an invader, I wasn’t supposed to be there, but I wanted to be. I understood that I didn’t deserve it, that I had to work harder to stay. I completed Master’s coursework for my Bachelor’s degree, finishing two BA programs (anthropology and English: creative writing) and 2 minor programs in philosophy and world lit, lead several campus groups and volunteered with honor’s societies. I spent hours on campus every day, running home just to go to one job or the other. I slept about four hours a night and I still romanticize it because I loved it. And I was good at it. It was a closed system, easy to infiltrate, easy to watch and observe and follow, to feel protected from the world, but there were always ways that I came up short. 

I didn’t have leggings or Northface fleeces or Ugg boots or name brand anything (except a pair of converse I got in 8th grade from my Babcia). I had old high school sweats and soccer shirts, hand-me-down clothes from sisters and cousins that mix-matched a style I thought was unique but I now understand screamed I don’t really belong here. Example: I went to propose an independent study to a professor I really admired and I panicked about what to wear. I still cringe at the memory, gahhhhhh, but I pulled on what I thought was a decent dress because it had no rips or stains or tears and though I’d picked it up from a clearance rack, it was the newest thing and therefore the best. But in retrospect, it was definitely a “party” dress, I grabbed a sweater, hoop earrings that had always been beautiful in my neighborhood, and heels I never wore otherwise, and presented my idea. This old professor was just like “um...did you dress up for me?” Clearly spooked by red flags and I realized my mistake. Saved by quick thinking I clarified “no, I have a presentation later,” and being a familiar face in the social sciences department, I let him assume I was dressed up as something. I just went in my sweats and t-shirts after that, got a haircut that tamed the wavy frizz and learned the importance of muted tones, cardigans, and flats.

I made a lot of interesting friends in the process, people who also stuck out from the American Academic culture: exchange students, older (non-traditional) students, rebels, and other poor kids. But that also meant that we all evolved during our time there, so friendship was quick and fleeting as we adapted or dropped out or remained oblivious, lost in our studies and dreams of changing the world or our lives. 

I had no idea how to approach the dining halls because I could only afford the bronze plan that was included with my room+board scholarship. I could enter the hall ten times per week, with four included passes to the after-hours carry-out (this was an upgrade from the free high school lunch I was coming from). I met other kids on this plan and their dorm rooms had fridges and microwaves and shelves of ramen and mac’n’cheese. Mine was sparse, my fridge had jugs of water from the filtered tap in the common room, and though it had a shared kitchenette, it always smelled bad or was being used and the nearest grocery store was Meijers which was a 15-20 minute drive from campus. I used so much energy dividing up my meals and figuring out how to sneak food from the hall for later or just learn to not eat, which is another story involving malnutrition, broken bones, and the American Healthcare System.

We like to summarize the college experience with fond struggles. I went back to my old high school to watch my younger sisters’ marching band competition that first year (it’s MI, and they were good). My old art teacher (not much older than we were but she felt so much older at the time, also her maiden name was Erickson and so was her fiance’s so she didn’t “change” her name and that blows my mind to this day), anyway, she stopped me to ask how school was going, and I was not prepared to be recognized in anyway and stammered out something like “oh, yeah, stressful. Fun, cool, yeah,” like the eloquent well-educated student I was. And she said, “oh, I loved it, don’t you love it? Everything’s so charming, and being poor? Oh man, it’s hard for a while, but it’s so good to go through.” 

I was dumbfounded at her reference to poverty as a thing to go through when you’re a student. I again had to remember that I was infiltrating places where people weren’t just marginally more well-off than I was, but far beyond, in a place where they couldn’t comprehend an alternative, couldn’t conceive of surviving poverty, of not having a reliable place to fall if you mess up, parents who couldn’t support you if things went wrong, who couldn’t save you from having to drop out if scholarships were canceled because the money just wasn’t there.

Talking with my parents never worked, and I recently found this video by The Financial Diet about Boomer shame in being poor, where many Millennials were united by it and it was #relatable. But all this is to say that there are so many layers and ways we develop in higher education that are often overlooked by the romantic nostalgia of the elite expectation. What we demand from education vs. what it offers us in return is rarely equal for students coming from poverty, and it starts with that first sacrifice of looking at money and deciding it has to be worth it to do something bigger, and that education is a necessary piece of that goal.

Now I live near Brown University, I’ve been to Harvard when we lived in Boston and recently took a trip to Yale with bold expectations. I am friends with several people who work at these places and I hear the same things: so many students are in a place where their obsessions are considered more important than the larger world, an argument that Shakespeare is a woman is more important to prove than the greater issues of sexism in society as a whole, while others are trained to look at data and the world as a pocketable fact-book, going to conferences and  week-long summits and then off to D.C. to make important decisions about places they’ve never been to, for people they’ve never met, about problems they’ve never experienced.  

It’s not new. It’s not romantic. It’s not nostalgic. It’s just sick. 

I was horrified at New Haven. I have read so many social science reports and papers and experiments and academic bullshit that has come from professors at Yale with a big badge of ivy-league validation. So much of this research was focused on homelessness and culture clash and socio-economics in America, as that was my “dissertation” that got me discounted master’s classes for my BA in Anthropology. Anyway, my point was that I thought this noble, proud university that put out so much research was going to be situated in something of a utopia, where their research is put into practice. Obviously, I was wrong, but I didn’t expect how wrong. (I had also started reading Leigh Bardugo’s Ninth House, so... there’s another thing).

My observations were validated by employees of ivy-league schools, who have watched over the past 2 decades as they grow more and more reclusive, hiding away from the public except through a few, probably well-intentioned, outstretched hands that do little to contribute to the world outside the university itself. These ivory towers are built by poaching: environments, observations, resources, research, and yeah, even students.

I love academia. I will sit in a library for hours just pulling down tomes (and putting them back in their proper locations like a dork) and drawing connections just for fun. But right now, I’m a bit bitter and spiteful and angry. 

When something like Coronavirus sneaks up on us, we have a tendency to throw the most expendable people under the bus as quickly as we can, and all I can think about is my shadow of a suite-mate sneezing and coughing with swine flu for two weeks, at how I refused to use my own bathroom and listened to my hall-mates’ advice about showering at the rec center a mile away as we all collectively locked our bathroom doors and were left there by the university to get sick without insurance to help with any foreseeable costs.

It’s not the same now, they’ve rebuilt the entire section of the campus, it’s odd to see it, I wonder where they put the expendable kids. Or maybe they don’t accept them anymore. I’ve worked in college admissions since then, and it is a scary industry of politics and preference and hidden quotas and image-agendas. Not all schools are industry monsters, but when you’re expendable, they sure do feel like it, whether you graduate summa cum laude with two degrees, six awards, and five tasseled ropes around your neck or not. 

I wish I had a positive message. I wish I was in a place to help people who feel expendable or like they can’t keep up with communications because of technology or language or network or environment. But I don’t have much right now. For all its posturing and linear progression, academia needs to create profit. All I can do is yell about this existing.

If you are feeling expandable in university, I can tell you you’re not alone. I can let you rant about all the small ways your peers don’t get it, whether its an accent they shit on or ceremonies you don’t have the right clothes for or textbooks you share with a friend to cut costs but then they hoard them. I can relate to you about guilt and that sneaking panic that fills you with anxiety at night as you question yourself and wonder if it’s worth it at all, if it’s necessary, if it’s okay to be expendable to follow something that feels bigger. I can validate your doubt and tell you that you’re not actually expendable, you’re a bridge. 

I’m sorry it still works like this. I wish we figured out how to change it by now, I wish I had secret shortcuts to tell you about, that there was more accountability or hope, but I’m not seeing it lately. I hope you do. <3

[disasterjones]

Jarrett. Give us the tea my dude

Jarett: Describe your worst boss or teacher you've ever had.

my time has come,, 

this is obscenely long, apologies

okay so I used to work at a credit union (it’s basically a bank but they push this concept of “community” and “we’re not like the banks” except that they are, do not be tempted by their honeycomb claims, they’re as fragile as they are sweet) and I worked in the quality assurance department

we were tasked with everything from balance inquiries to opening accounts to being the equivalent of loan servicers (without the capacity to actually craft the loan agreement for underwriting, because then what would the loan officers do)

my boss, we’ll call him Bob, had two assistant managers, we’ll call them Jenny and August, who were probably the pacific northwest equivalent of Stepford Wives, with Bob being the superficially-agreeable gentleman that welcomes the unaware into the compound for assimilation

so anyway I joined this job through a temp-to-hire position and it was great for the first six months or so (as it turns out, even jobs have honeymoon periods), I made friends with coworkers, I established a presence and something of a reputation for being the friendly-and-decently-quick-learner, which I would later find out was to my detriment, because they took the “quick learner” concept and thought that translated perfectly to “teacher,” and about a year in they gave me a temp to train

the temp was never a problem, although she did sometimes like to be on her phone when we were in the middle of a call, but I’m just an employee that’s giving pointers, I’m not a boss nor am I her mother, so I don’t bother to give her too much hassle about it. she still manages to keep decent call times for a newbie and is able to navigate our systems after a little bit of repetition

this was the beginning of my issues with Bob, as he wanted me to be more strict and adhere as closely his own inflexible schedule as possible. problem is I can’t force a person to learn faster, nor had I asked for the responsibility of training someone in the first place. why hadn’t they asked someone with more experience? sure I’d learned the ins and outs of the programs okay, but i hadn’t developed the tools to quickly de-escalate angry callers yet, hadn’t even been given access to several systems I was expected to use to train this temp, but being behind was my fault no matter what I said

I’d already been dealing with some subtle snideness and condescension from Jenny and August on top of that, and it took me ages to realize it’s because I was the only person that didn’t engage in makeup culture (partially bc I can’t afford that shit lol) and that was literally the reason why: I wasn’t “put together” or “company ready,” even though I never personally interacted with members or anyone on site beyond people in my immediate department

so a year and a half of this, of subtle underhanded remarks and difficult demands, of having constant rising expectations and quotas, told at every turn that our goal is to have as many new members as possible, all the while a broken record of lie, just repeating constantly that “sales don’t matter, it’s about the community” 

(EXCEPT GET ALL THE ACCOUNTS DON'T LET THEM SLIP THROUGH YOUR FINGERS YOU FUCKING FAILURE YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN THEM 3 ACCOUNTS YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN THEM A GOOD RATE ON THE NEW CREDIT CARD IF THEY JUST SIGNED UP BUT REMEMBER WE DON’T WANT TO SELL THEM ANYTHING)

finally it’s Christmas time and I’ve been busting my hump for the whole year and it’s my second year so I’m eligible for a bonus and I’m literally gonna burst I’m so happy... until Bob and Co. announce that, despite all our stellar efforts this year, despite that we are ahead of company projections by a 15% margin across all departments, despite that I personally (and by proxy our department) was responsible for the acquisition of an account worth over 1.3 million, we were told our Christmas bonuses were actually going to be a bit sparser than they were the year prior, my first year, the year I got a $75 Fred Meyer gift card in

I had been looking forward to a cash bonus and had worked my ass off for it, had been damn near guaranteed it during a number of team/personal reviews with the managers, but surprise! three days before christmas, all I have to look forward to is $50 to a place that I can reasonably get a single pair of shoes from (and maybe some socks)

it’s a month or so later that the Big Change happens, and the entire building of employees moves across town to a new location. some people get let go in the shuffle, including one of my close friends I’d met there. financially stressed though she was, I could see how much happier she was to be out of that place, and I started to get inklings of leaving as my mental health began to deteriorate. another result of this change is that the parking availability for employees is cut down to a third of what we used to have, except it’s even less because most of the spots at the new building are intended for members, so everybody’s carpooling or riding bikes or bussing

side note: carpooling is all well and good in a green initiative, but do you have any idea how difficult it is to coordinate more than two people for a carpool? either you can make us carpool or you can have us in on time, you can’t have both

a bit of advice for anybody new to the job circuit or who might have trouble deciphering “appropriate” social gestures: no matter how open they say you can be, no matter how friendly or amenable they appear to be to mental health struggles, don’t fall for that trap and think you can show any moment of weakness. it’s true that not everyone will react the way my managers did, but don’t take the chance if you can help it. on the surface, they understood. on the surface they said they were with me.

i would go on to walk in on those same people mocking my symptoms and talking about how it can’t be that bad, that I must be trying to get attention.I was labeled unprofessional, and no matter how much they encouraged open communication and preached how “life happens and things get rough for people,” I was still an acceptable target. 

so I took my complaint to HR, who at first seemed taken aback at the notion that, of anybody, BOB could be engaging in such careless and callous behavior. “Oh, he’s such a nice man! I’m sure he didn’t mean those things.” and because he wasn’t the one saying them, but rather laughing along with them, and because it was my word against theirs, it was unlikely to go anywhere

time crawls on and it’s about march or so when everything finally snaps in my brain. getting out of bed feels like selling my soul and going to work feels more like torture than a paycheck. on The Dawn Of The Day That Broke My Back, I was up and ready, out in front of my apartment and chain smoking to keep myself awake, when I realized that no matter when my carpool shows up now, we’re going to be late

I try to keep myself in decent spirits, not be a grumposaurus on the way in. I feel prepared for the day, got my coffee and my lunch in a bag and a nice outfit and I feel like maybe today won’t be as bad as the rest of the month has been, even though we’ll be late

we arrive about 10 after, but I’ve got Jenny and August’s numbers in my phone, so I’ve sent them messages ahead of time to let them know that the carpool was a bit late because traffic has been troublesome. I don’t remember how true it was, but the point is I did my part to let them know ahead of time that we weren’t no-shows, just a bit delayed. as I’m walking in (mind you, following and followed by a number of other individuals just as late as me), Bob singles me out, pointing first at me and then another aggressive point in the direction of a closed office space 

fun fact: with the new change in locations, he no longer has his own office, in fact he now sits directly adjacent to me and close enough to hear me speak under my breath, something I had to be constantly aware of

he ignores the confusion on my face as soon as we’re inside and immediately begins to accuse me of slacking off, saying I’ve been skipping out on and coming late into work constantly, and I need to “get it together” or I’ll be out of a job. I try to express that I’m not trying to shirk my responsibilities, just that I’ve been dealing with a lot of personal stuff and it’s affecting my focus. He doesn’t care, his frustration continuing to escalate, and every time I offer a response or rebuttal to an unfair statement, he gets angrier and changes what he’s upset about.

Finally it happens. 

“You were late! 10 minutes late! You need to be in your chair at your desk and ready to sign in and be ready to take calls BY 8:00!!” 

I have grown tired of him yelling for no reason, and the backbone that had crumbled away over the last two and a half years suddenly snaps back into place hard as steel. 

“I would like to know why this is all aimed at me specifically, when you saw me enter with the remainder of my carpool, the carpool that you all made us set up in the middle of construction season, which of course is happening on the only road that leads here. 

“I would like to know how I’m supposed to control the environment or lives of the other people I am stuck riding with every day for this job that supposedly cares about us, even though it doesn’t seem to care about the extra expenses or time  crunch we now have to endure as a result of this change that miraculously doesn’t affect you. 

“I would like to know who put that stick so far up your ass that you thought it was necessary to yell at your employee about 10 damn minutes. If you don’t mind, I have a job to get to.”

And I go and sit at my desk. He fumes quietly in the office for a while before coming out to his desk, returning to whatever he was doing before he pulled me aside to treat me like a child.

Not a few hours later, I get a call from a member that had been working directly with Bob (big ordeal that needed a manager a few days prior, so he was the go-to for this particular account), and they wanted to speak with him, claiming it was urgent. I hold the call and stand up, trying to get Bob’s attention quietly since there’s other calls happening around me. I call his name quietly, saying “phone for you, it’s [member’s name]” but he doesn’t seem to hear me because he doesn’t respond. So again, I whisper his name, this time leaning more towards him to hopefully catch his eye with the movement, but he cuts me off before I can get the member’s name out

He starts yelling. Like, at the top of his voice, yelling. In a small room, to a person less than 5 feet away, audible to everyone both on a call and not (I would later find out it was also audible over the phone! a member asked what the yelling was about. but I’m the unprofessional one)

“CAN’T YOU SEE I’M BUSY? WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO BOTHER ME WITH CAN WAIT. GET BACK TO WORK.”

The resolve I’d summoned earlier didn’t stay with me, and this was the final straw. It’s one thing to be berated to and humiliated one on one, it’s another to be on the receiving end of it in the presence of 20 other people. I get back on the phone and tell the member, “I’m very sorry, he’ll have to return your call. He’s unavailable at the present.” and hung up, because I was about to cry and I needed to get out. I log out of everything, lock my computer, pick up my belongings and wave to one of my carpoolmates as I walk out and down to HR

they wound up convincing me to stay for a few more weeks, especially after they fired Bob (who it would turn out was going through a divorce, his second in four years, and I just happened to be the punching bag he needed that day), but eventually I left and never went back

[ Critical Role Ask Meme ]

[dearestsouleater]

Entry #326 January 22, 2019 7:45 pm

Dearest SoulEater,

“Love does not change you, Loneliness does..“

That was my FB post this morning trying to reflect upon everything that transpired since December. Then this afternoon, after I have submitted my BIR Sworn Oath for Tax, I chanced upon Lara’s Coffee shop and decided to take my ultra late lunch there. I was eating this and maybe I might be feeling good now, so maybe it is high time to tell the story that has made me from an 2018 optimist to a 2019 pessimist.Yeah I know, Soul. It has been 6 long months since my last post, with lots and lots of things happened not being said. I have the memories in the form of videos at Youtube. It is there.

It all started December, where I was already forecasting the things I need to do for my transition to the same job but with better benefits. Like it always was, I had to endure the expectations and works of a teamleader, deciding on things and being responsible for them. I know for a fact that Ill be needing a lot of money to secure the new requirements set by the Civil Service for me to be accepted as a Casual Nurse under the Department of Health. I still have money, but the pressure was there, a very big cold and dark pressure. First is that we havent received our salary for November, and that it was December, meaning I had to prepare my gifts to my subordinates and of course, Lianne. With the budgeting I did, I can secure the costly requirements, but it will take toll to my plans with Lianne. I had to think long term and made sure that I secure that requirements for me to be financially secured until 2022. Me and Lianne were having some talks, and while she was planning, I was actually hesitant. Her plans involve expenses that are way beyond my capacity, she may have money for it, but I gotta consider where I stand after spending those. But in the end I agreed with what was initially planned and went on with my “Bahala na”.

Came December 21, it was our Christmas Party for the Department of Health. It was already stressful for me as being a Teamleader, I am responsible to a lot of things. And I am already in turmoil because of our ugly presentation since all municipalities are required to present a dance or whatever. Ours was not a presentation, more like an intermission number. That morning while I was having my preparations for that event, Lianne texted me and that conversation turned sour. She suddenly dropped the “As I thought” bomb on me. At the time I already saw what was coming. She was expecting that I have prepared plans for her on the coming holidays particularly Christmas. At the back of my mind I was thinking, didnt we had this conversation before, she already laid out the plans of what were bound to do, go to this fancy hotel and celebrate, after that go back to her apartment and be with each other, that was it. She was expecting more from me. Of all the times it would happen, why on that moment. We were still talking as I went to the venue of that Christmas Party masked as an Exit Conference. I was there the whole morning trying to juggle managing Lianne’s predicament with the problems I am facing on that event. Until she sent me a message that made me snap.. “Kahit hindi ka na bumalik”. I knew on that moment that that was it. That moment, I knew I cant keep going on. I understood that we cant make it work out anymore. I thought she was my partner for my battles, it turns out she was another battle that I had to win..and I felt so betrayed. I was just sitting there at my table, null and void with nothing but my fake smiles and just saying Im ok while people ask me why I was silent. I had to endure it for hours. And it felt like it was that day all over again, coz she gave back my money too. I dont even know what to feel and act them out. I just went home blank and staring after that successful Exit Conference.. Success for the event, disaster for me. I went home and acted like everything was ok and it was not. My parents even noticing it but I pretended that Im fine. They didnt know we already broke up on that day. I cancelled my reservation for the bus going to manila and had the money shifted to my mom’s reservation. Ate Cely asked me why, and I told them I was recalled for an emergency work on the 27th and 28th which was true. But I lied about the reason why Im not going to Manila anymore, it was because I had no more reason to go there. It was once again a long night..but it was never new to me. I have already faced the same event when she said she did not love me anymore, but only this time I had more resilience.

December 27, my parents had to leave for Manila because my father had to prepare going back to Saudi. I just didnt have the motivation to go anywhere, so I told them that I was recalled for work since it was an urgent matter and that it was a critical time for my appointment as a casual employee. And so they left me.. That time, a typhoon was coming in and that it was automatic for us nurses from DOH to activate Code White meaning we have to respond and report evacuees to central command. December 28 we already lost power supply and access to clean water, water was coming in too fast inside our house because they seep inside the cement, and I had to clean those areas the whole 24 hours. The next day, I stared at how black it was at my home..cold, dark and alone. I only had spare food to eat without the assurance that the faucet water was clean. That moment, I knew loneliness was killing me slowly. I have never been so alone at that point, that it made me think of a lot of things. But an unexpected event happened. My relatives who came from Naga cannot pass thru at the market going to their house as it was already in high flood, so they called me 11 pm that night to ask if they can stay at my house for the meantime. I was thinking that maybe it was You Soul that was giving me some light. So they came and stayed with me until the morning. They made me breakfast and then had to leave immediately to check the status of their own home. Maybe I got saved. Saved from feeling hopeless and alone. I went over to do my work to report any casualties of that calamity in our Municipality and had to live alone again.

December 31, current came back at around the afternoon and the relatives that I took in during the storm gave me Pizza from Shakeys because they knew I would be celebrating the New Year alone. There I was, only with myself and my prepared food before 12 am of January 1st 2019. I only had the pizza my relatives gave me, left over wine at the fridge and pancit canton while watching my friends from Twitch celebrate the New Year. I only had Se7en of HelixxVR with me during that time. I had no fireworks, I had no devices for making loud sounds, only me and my beating heart.

The whole of January was spent with me being all alone, doing everything by myself for myself, trying to survive and live. Our contracts are under abeyance due to some problems with the budget allocated with the Department of Health so what I have been doing in the past 3 weeks is just be at Twitch, stream, watch. It was during that time that I had a record high of 332 viewers, was able to pull off a 24 hr stream and got qualified for Twitch Partner. I slept 5 am almost everyday and woke up around 1 pm, missing my breakfast and lunch. I had nothing to do but stream and play. My November salary came, but it was all for paying the remaining bills and my December Salary is still pending.

Being alone for a long time turned me into something else. Maybe it was karma, or consequences of bad choices, but who is there to blame? Not Lianne, not everyone, not even You, Soul..only me. I decided not to talk to anyone about it. I just felt not doing it. I wanted this darkness for myself so I told no one about what I had gone through. I dont hate Lianne for what happened to us. I just came to realize that we have different end games. She wanted a grandeur life while I wanted a peaceful and simple one. She loved to travel while I only want to travel to just one place and that is Japan. We were different and it only needed sometime for me to accept that we are not compatible and that we are only bound to more stress and fights if we continued. I never talked about what happened to us at Social Media because it wont make me feel any better. I did not block her from my social medias as well because there is no sense doing it. I still see her posts, and maybe it was my way of self punishment.

2018 was a treasure chest of memories for me of her. It just so happened that December of that year became the Pandora’s box. She is currently happy now and I do pray to You Soul that you give her healing, and that she can move on peacefully, find someone that she deserves, not a loser like me who has nothing to offer as of the moment.  I still consider her a friend and acquaintance because Im not holding anything against her and I completely understand if she does not feel the same way I do.

I ate the last bits of my juicy saucy burger and finished it with my fries. I left with a face hoping that someday, I may never wish to ask from You that I rest..for good.

Thank You Soul, for everything..the blessings and lessons. You can still try and guide me while I try to live this tiring life. Give me something to motivate me to go on, yeah?

Love lots,

Jim..

P.S.

Funny that Jin didnt come out this time. Maybe he was confident Im getting through with this. I hope his confidence was right.

[littleindigochildx]

task 24

Residents in the town of Limbo seemed to be more on edge in the days following the coronavirus outbreak. Like everywhere else, there was a toilet paper shortage, no one had bread, bottled water was scarce, and everyone was ordered by the state's governor to stay home (if they could) until further notice. The economy was tanking, and in a working middle-class town, businesses that were forced to close because of the pandemic were at risk of never opening again. Lost jobs meant a loss of health insurance and the unemployment rate had never been higher. People were really beginning to struggle financially which meant it was only a matter of time before robberies and looting began.

Timothy and Savanna had been home from school for the last few weeks. Victoria wasn’t big on technology, but she knew it was essential for their education so they had one computer to share. Teachers assigned work at the beginning of each week so parents could homeschool indefinitely. Savanna missed being in the classroom with her friends, but Timothy loved having their mom as his teacher. He also enjoyed being able to ‘go to school’ in his pajamas and having the freedom to complete his assignments at his own pace. Usually he and Savanna finished their work ahead of schedule which meant there was ample time for them to play outside. The farm provided more than enough room to run while sticking to social distancing orders.

As much as they loved the extra time together, there was a downside to being quarantined. Some of their family members worked essential jobs, and because of that, they were at risk of contracting the virus. Victoria, Ransom, Clara, and Rory were among the few who put their lives on the line every day to take care of patients and help prevent the spread of the highly contagious COVID-19. In doing so, they were also putting their family at risk every time they came home. Essential employees were advised to self-isolate, which meant renting a hotel room or staying somewhere they wouldn’t be a danger to others if they were asymptomatic carriers. Savvy and Timmy weren’t particularly pleased with this arrangement as it meant they wouldn’t be able to see their mom for quite some time.

This was Declan’s opportunity to get to know his two youngest since he would be their soul caretaker until further notice. The idea both excited and scared him. Kids were a lot of work and he wasn’t sure he had it in him to be Mr. Mom. He wasn’t Victoria. He could never be Victoria, but he knew he had to try.

--------------------

“I miss mommy.” Savanna said as she pushed food around on her plate. Her appetite had dwindled quite a bit since the quarantine began. Timothy, on the other hand, was trying to eat them out of house and home. Declan had to limit the number of snacks the boy ate in a day or he would likely eat everything.

“I know you miss her. I miss her too.” Declan replied. They were in unfamiliar territory and there was no telling when the quarantine would be lifted. Staying at home proved to be more challenging with each passing day, especially since Savanna and Timothy were such active children. Cabin fever set in a week after their school closed and finding new ways to keep them entertained wasn’t Declan’s strong suit. He wasn’t the artistic or creative one. Victoria was always better at coming up with activities for them than he was. She always found a way to make their home art projects fun and educational. Her brilliant mind was one of the many reasons he loved her so much.

“I wish this ‘Ronavirus was gone already.” Savanna spoke again. She was young, but she understood why they needed to stay at home. She also understood why Victoria couldn’t come home or they couldn’t visit family and friends. Her grandparents, especially. They were considered high risk because of their age. “Can we FaceTime mommy t’nite?” The little girl asked. “Maybe she can read me an’ Timmy a story.” Savvy missed having Vic read to them even though she was fully capable of reading on her own. She also missed the nights when Vic was tired from work so the children took turns reading to her instead. “If she’s not too tired, we can try.” Declan replied. He hoped the kids knew how, exactly, to FaceTime because he didn’t have a clue.

“Aren’t you supposed’ta be doin’ yer school work now or somethin’?” He added. “We did it already.” Timmy chimed in. He just finished his second bowl of cereal and stood up to clear the table. “We didn’t get that much cause’a Spring Break.” Savanna added. Even with a global pandemic (and 2 weeks without instructional time), the schools were honoring Spring Break. Victoria knew this and she figured Declan would need some help. Rory, their usual babysitter, had an essential job so she was unable to give him the break he so desperately needed. He was still adjusting to life as an ex-con and a full-time dad. Finding a reliable guardian in a time of crisis was difficult, especially when everyone was supposed to be social distancing. There were exceptions, and while it was risky to let an outsider come into their home, Victoria knew her niece Belle was the perfect choice. Out of everyone in their family, she knew Belle was taking extra precautions to prevent getting or spreading coronavirus. Her heart condition put her in the high risk category and she figured she would be less likely to contract COVID-19 at Victoria’s home than her own.

--------------------

Quarantine: Day 27

It was the first day of Spring Break and while the kids slept in a little bit, they hadn’t stopped arguing since the second they got out of bed. They were bored, there was nothing on television, they had seen all of their DVD’s at least a dozen times, and they were full of energy with no means to get it out. Chores were done, school work was done, they barely had any art supplies left, and Declan was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He didn’t give Victoria nearly enough credit when it came to raising their family, and she did it without complaints. She was capable of anything and everything, and she did it with a smile on her face.

“Timmy… Leave yer sister alone.” Declan called out as he answered his phone. It was Victoria checking in to make sure everyone was still alive. She happened to catch the tail end of his lecture when he answered. “I guess that answers my question...” She teased. “Everyone is still alive.” Declan chuckled as he rubbed his beard. He definitely needed to trim it, but he didn’t see the point right now. “For now.” He teased back. “I miss them going to school.” He added. He knew the kids missed it just as much as he did. They needed their friends. They needed a break from the house and each other. “We’re all a little stir crazy.”

Declan and Victoria talked for the duration of her lunch break. She informed him that Belle was on her way and she got to say hi to the kids before hanging up. He was secretly relieved his niece was coming since they were in desperate need of groceries and a trip to the store was always easier alone.

--------------------

The doorbell rang signaling their guests arrival. Savvy and Timmy were beyond excited. They didn’t get to spend a lot of time with their older cousins due to work, school, or social commitments, but they looked up to Belle… Savvy especially. “Comin’ ta save yer uncle...” Declan greeted his niece with a laugh. “It’s good ta see you.” Belle smiled and nodded. “Aunt Vic said you might need a break.” Belle kept her voice low so the kids wouldn’t overhear. She could tell they were on their way downstairs based on the sound of their tiny footsteps getting closer.

“Belle is here! ...I thought we weren’t supposed’ta have visitors.” Savanna said without missing a beat. “Well...Uh… We’re not.” Declan explained. Lying was something that usually came so naturally, yet he struggled with it when it came to his kids. “Yer old man needs ta run to the store.” Declan crouched down so he was closer to Savanna’s height. “Yer brother ate all our food.” He ruffled Timmy’s hair with a smirk. “Since kids aren’t allowed ta go to the store right now…” Maybe he was capable of fibbing just a little. “...Belle is gonna watch you two. Can’t leave ya here alone. Yer mom would kill me.” They didn’t need to know all the details and both children seemed satisfied with Declan’s answer. “I won’t be gone long so you two behave, alright?” He looked at each of them sternly. “No fighting.”

Declan turned to address his niece once more. “You’ve got my number if ya need me, right?” He asked. “Yes, uncle Declan. We’ll be fine, I promise.” She had plans to take Timmy and Savvy on a nature walk figuring they could all use the fresh air. “Take your time.” The brunette added. “And don’t forget ta wear the mask me an’ Timmy maked for you, daddy.” Savvy reminded him. Declan tapped his back pocket, the one without his wallet. “Got it right here, princess.” He grinned. She couldn’t be more like Victoria if she tried. It seemed like she took care of him more than he took care of her.

--------------------

“Where are we goin’, Belle? Mom doesn’t let us go this far into the woods. She thinks we’ll get lost.” Timmy said as he followed his sister and cousin along what he suspected was an old game trail. “You’ll see.” The brunette said with a smirk. She knew these woods like the back of her hand. When she and her siblings were just a little older than Timmy they spent what seemed like an entire summer at their aunt and uncle’s house. She knew where she was going because there were marks on the trees. Marks made by her for the exact reason Timmy was so worried about. It was far too easy to get turned around in the woods, especially when everything looked the same, but she was confident in her nature guide abilities. “Just a little further. There’s something I want to show you two.”

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A little deeper into the woods there was an abandoned building. It was more rundown then Belle remembered, and still just as creepy. She hoped the children wouldn’t be too scared. She could see that over the years the ceiling had collapsed, most likely from termite damage and the elements. Whoever lived here before left most of their belongings behind. Furniture, old family photos, flatware, and dressers filled with clothes that were still untouched. Belle could distinctly remember when she was younger, she and Lexa were playing here and discovered a half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich sitting on the table. It looked like someone had just made it even though the house had been condemned for nearly a decade. All the windows and doors had been boarded up when Belle and Alexa found the place. The sandwich couldn’t be explained. If someone was living there… How did they get in? It gave the brunette goosebumps thinking about it even now. “We’re here.” Belle told them as she cleared a path. They would all need to check themselves for ticks when they got back.

Savvy’s eyes went wide while Timmy let out a gasp. They were in the woods all the time (despite Victoria’s warning)... How did they not find this abandoned building before? “Is it haunted?” Timothy asked. He was big into scary movies thanks to Clara. “I’ve never been here before... How did ya find it?” The nine year old questioned. Belle turned to both children smirked. “When I was about your age, your cousins and I would spend the summer here while my mom, your aunt Delia, worked.” So maybe Delia wasn’t really working, but Vic did look after her nieces and nephews so they weren’t left to their own defenses. “We liked playing in the woods too.” Belle went on to explain. “Alexa and I found this old house. It was sturdier then. It still had a roof and a second floor. All the windows were boarded up but we wanted to see what was inside... It was very creepy.” The brunette helped Savvy and Timmy over piles of brick and some wood that had dry rotted over time. The foundation was still standing, as were some of the walls made of stone. It was obvious someone else in town also discovered this secret location based on all the tagging that had been done. “Watch your step. There are a lot of loose rocks.” Belle warned. She knew her aunt Victoria would kill her if anything happened to Timmy or Savvy… She would also kill her if she knew Belle was taking them into the woods. “We need to keep this place a secret, okay? I don’t think your mom would be very happy if she knew I brought you out here.” The kids nodded in unison. They wouldn’t lie to their mom, but they would leave this part out when they FaceTimed later to tell her how their day had gone.

“What’s that smell?” Savvy asked once they were standing in what appeared to be a kitchen... Or what was left of a kitchen anyway. “I don’t smell anything.” Timmy replied as he took a deep breath. His allergies were acting up with the change of seasons. He could barely smell anything at this point. “It stinks really bad.” The seven year old plugged her nose. She couldn’t tell what exactly was lingering in the air, but it had the distinct smell of rot... possibly from a dead animal nearby. When no one else complained, she shrugged it off and kept exploring.

“This place is so cool. We should make it our fort.” Timmy suggested to his little sister. He lifted a wooden beam off the ground and propped it up against the stone wall. “We just need’a clear some’a this stuff out.” He would also need to figure out how to build a roof in case of inclement weather. “What’a ‘bout our fort in the barn?” Savanna arched a brow. With their parents permission, they cleared out a corner of the hay loft where they could keep toys, blankets, and coloring supplies. It was one of Savanna’s favorite places to play because it allowed her to be close to the animals and it gave her somewhere quiet to work on her latest masterpiece. “Maybe we can have two forts.” Timmy shrugged. “But this one is a secret ‘cause mom wouldn’t want us playin’ here... ‘Specially if it’s haunted.” A broken picture frame caught the nine year old’s attention as it crunched under his feet. Timmy bent down to pick it up. It was a black and white portrait of a boy who looked to be about the same age as him. What was even creepier was how much the boy looked like Timmy.

“Uh... Guys...” He turned the faded picture around so Belle and Savvy could see it. “Does this...” He looked at the picture again. “...Is it just me, or does this boy look like me?” His eyes went wide and he could feel the hair on the back of his neck standing up. “Whoa. That could be your twin... Creepy....” Savanna commented. “He does look like you.” Belle took the photo from him to get a closer look. She was officially creeped out too and took this as a sign to get out of there. “Maybe we should head back. I’m sure your dad is going to be home soon.” She suggested. Timmy and Savvy groaned. “We’ll come back another day.” She crouched down so she was closer to their eye level. “Promise me you won’t come here alone.” Belle warned. “It’s too dangerous.” It wasn’t until now that she realized what a horrible idea it was to bring them here. “But ya said you an’ Lexa played here when you were our age. Why can’t we play here too?” Savanna questioned. A lot had changed since Belle was little, not to mention Vic and Delia had different parenting styles. Vic cared about the safety of her children. Delia did not… At least she didn’t when she was under the influence of drugs and alcohol. “Because this was still a house when I was your age. It wasn’t dangerous like this.” Belle said sternly. “Let’s go back.” Clouds were rolling in and she wanted to get back inside before it started to pour. “We can make cookies and do an art project before I go home. I brought some new coloring books with me too.” The alternative plan was enough to make Savvy and Timmy comply without protesting and the three of them headed back home.

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Declan was greeted with the sound of children’s laughter and an old love song when he returned from running errands. The smell of fresh baked cookies blanketed the house like a heavy perfume. “Smells good in here. What’cha makin’?” He asked before dropping grocery bags on the counter. Thank God Vic sent him with a list or he was likely to come home with beer and cigarettes, neglecting to get healthy food for the kids and himself.

“We are makin’ chocolate chip cookies an’ rainbow cupcakes!” Savvy announced excitedly. “They’re not ready yet so no taste testin’, daddy.” The seven year old narrowed her eyes to come across more serious but she couldn’t help giggling at his reaction. “No snacks ‘til after dinner.” She was beginning to sound more and more like Victoria which made Declan smile. “Yes ma’am.” He smirked, holding his hands up in defense. “Belle… you stayin’ ta eat? There’s plenty ta go’a ‘round, but I can’t promise it’ll be good.” He half-teased. Cooking had never been Declan’s strong suit. He and the kids were surviving on cereal, frozen dinners, and PB&J sandwiches. Savvy and Timmy never complained. They ate even when he burned things. “Prolly gonna make some burgers t’nite.” Grilling was the one task he could do without messing up. Steaks, chicken, fish, hot dogs... As long as he didn’t get distracted he did a decent job making sure their food was fully cooked without drying it out. Side dishes were his biggest challenge but the kids helped when they could. Savanna made the best mashed potatoes. Timmy’s specialty was scrambled eggs so Vic didn’t need to worry too much about nutrition. Their meals weren’t perfect but they were better than Doritos and Twizzlers.

“Ya got’a stay, Belle.” Savvy insisted. “We need you ta help finish the cupcakes. Ya can’t take um home without frostin’ and sprinkles. Then they’re just muffins.” They also needed to put the finishing touches on the care package they were making for the staff at Limbo General. Savanna wanted to do something nice for essential employees since they couldn't be home with their families. “Okay. I’ll stay, but only until we finish the cupcakes.” The brunette agreed. That meant she would also be staying for dinner. Declan looked like he could use a little more downtime and she was always happy to watch Timmy and Savanna. They were good kids.