#my last call center job sometimes got to 37 hours and i was so damn tired

[noonmutter]

Kinky Questions, Go!! ALL 50! At least the ones you haven't gotten yet.

*knucklecrack*

1: Kitchen Counter, Couch, or on top of the dryer?

"Yes. If I gotta pick one, couch. Th' dryer's noisy an' I like bein' able t' hear th' other person.

2: Your last sexual encounter: Good or Bad and why:

Answered here!

3: A fictional person that you think would be good in bed:

(I actually don't know any ingame fiction to draw an answer from here, sorry. <.<)

4: Something that never fails to make you horny:

"Pullin' me int' you. Up, down, chest-t'-chest, back-t'-chest, whatever. Not often I get manhandled, y'ken?"

5: Where is one place you would never have sex:

"I mean, never say never, but somewhere it'd take some real convincin' t'get me t' do it? Th' meetin' space at th' center o' th' Dreamgrove. I'd sooner set my 'air on fire than fuck where th' statue o' Malorne might watch me, an' Remulos would not approve."

(Rest below the cut! Yes I did do all of them!)

6: The most awkward moment during a sexual experience was when:

"...Wakin' up in a pile o' people after an especially long bender, none of 'om I recognized, an' not one stitch o' clothin' anywhere in sight except fer a gnome-sized miniskirt. An' there were no gnomes in th' pile! "Days like tha' are why I don't fuck drunk anymore."

7: Weirdest thing that ever made you horny:

"Tenderizin' steak." Sigh. "Pretty sure it was th' smell o' th' raw meat, mostly.

8: What is the best way to sexually bind someone: Handcuffs, Rope, or Other [if other please explain]:

"With my bare 'ands, or with my teeth 'oldin' somethin' sensitive. Wolf's snout kin fit all th' way 'round most people's throats without actually bitin' down as long as I get th' canines all th' way across, an' as long as neither of us move too terribly much, it's great fun."

9: What is the fastest way to make you horny:

"Hook a finger in my collar an' pull me t' yer eye level. Trouble is, if we're not already pretty damn close an' y' start grabbin' at my collar, I might punch y'."

10: Top or bottom?

"Switch."

11: We were about to ____________ but then ______________ [example: we were about to have sex but then his mom walked in] "We were about t' sneak off t' start our 'oneymoon but then I tripped through a portal some jackass dropped in th' middle o' th' weddin' party an' 'ad t' fly all th' way back first.

12: Is one orgasm enough? Are multiple orgasms necessary?

"Sometimes it's enough, sometimes it's a start, sometimes it's not even th' point. Really depends on th' mood at th' moment, dunnit? I like t'go as many rounds as either of us kin stand, most o' th' time, but I def'nitely find plenty o' value in just one long, slow go tha' ends when it ends.

13: Something that you have hidden in your room that you don’t want anyone to find:

His expression was less jovial than for most of these questions. "Th' collar I made for Vandy."

14: Weirdest nickname a significant other has ever called you:

"Squigglebird. Long story."

15: Two things you like [or dislike] about oral sex:

"Like th' noises it makes a person make--vocally, I mean--an' th' views it gives o' th' person I'm goin' down on an' th' person tha's goin' down on my. Don't like th' taste all tha' much, really 'ate some o' th' noises yer lips an' throat make if yer a li'l overzealous."

16: Weirdest sexual act some has performed [or tried to perform] on/with you:

"Li'l inflatable toy thingie in m' backside. Felt alright fer a while, cuz I mean it wasn't like it was th' first time I'd 'ad anythin' in there, but ah... she kept goin' past my willin'ness, an' it got pretty damn uncomfortable pretty damn fast. I might be willin' t' try it again but not without a lotta thought b'fore'and, an' not with my 'ands bound.

17: Have you ever tasted yourself? [If no, would you?] [If yes, what did you think?]

"Yeah." He shrugged. "Tasted like cum. Nothin' special."

18: Is it ever okay to not use a condom:

"I mean, if y'both agree to it an' y'don't fool around with anybody else, then yeah it's fine. Overwhelmin' majority o' th' time, I wrap up, even with m'wives."

19: Who was the sexiest teacher you ever had?

"...I din't 'ave any teachers I thought were sexy? My first shan'do was a 'andsome elven woman 'o could arm-wrestle a grizzly an' win, but she wasn't wha' I'd call sexy. Too gruff, too keen t' be alone."

20: A food that you would like to use during a sexual experience:

"Not somethin' I really think about in advance, t'be honest. Cook or no cook, food just kinda 'appens on a whim."

21: How big is too big:

"Can't get my mouth 'round it is usually a problem. Length isn't so much a concern, just means y' won't get t' bury it all th' way after a certain point unless y' want me dead."

22: One sexual thing you would never do:

"Mess with any bod'ly fluids besides cum. I tried real 'ard t'understand tha' one an' I just can't, sorry. Gross."

23: Biggest turn on:

"Depends on th' person; wha's 'ot from one is wierd comin' from another. Pickin' out of a hat? When Val'rin says somethin', then rolls 'is eyes up t' look at me an' tacks on a plaintive li'l 'Sir?' at th'end."

24: Three spots that drive you insane:

"Pretty much anywhere on m' throat, th' undersides o' my wrists, an' my 'air. Partic'larly yankin' on it. Just... don't come up an' do it outta nowhere. Like with m' collar, tha' shit'll get y' punched an' I'd argue y' prolly deserve it."

25: Worst possible time to get horny:

"Most times aren't really tha' bad, Iunno... middle of a warzone I guess?"

26: Do you like it when your sexual partner moans:

"I'm kinna suspicious of anybody 'o doesn't. Wha' kinna person doesn't love tha' kinda instant feedback? Tell me I'm doin' a good job, tell me 'ow t' do a better job, tell me just 'ow blown yer mind is by losin' track o' words, sing me a song."

27: Worst sexual idea you ever had:

"Really dunno why I thought it was a good idea t' let a blindfolded guy toss me anywhere, least of all into a bed with a solid headboard on it."

He touched the back of his head in remembered pain.

28: How much fapping is too much fapping:

"When yer chafed an' still 'aven't finished cuz yer too damned raw and desensitized t' get off, it's prolly time t' stop fer a while."

29: Best sexual complement you ever got:

Answered here!

30: Bald, landing strip, Jumanji:

"Landin' strip, ideally. I kin deal with whatever but tha's th' most convenient amount. Less potential fer mess."

31: Is it good sex if you don’t nut?

"What a bizarre question, 'course it is. Shit, sometimes tha's 'alf th' point."

32: Fill in the blank: “If they ____________, we are fuckin”

"Bite my neck 'r pin me t' a wall."

33: What your favorite part of your body:

"My 'air. It's gotten damned difficult t' take care of, but th' tradeoff's pretty worth it."

34: Favorite foreplay activities:

"Touchin'. Just... touchin'. Runnin' my fingers real light an' soft across ev'ry...single...inch...of a playmate's body. Learnin' th' curves, th' blemishes, th' scars, th' ins, th' outs, th' sensitive spots, th' ticklish bits, th' fav'rites all by touch. I kin do tha' fer hours if they'll let me."

35: Love (>,<, or =) Sex For those of us who don’t remember our math that's “greater than, less than, or equal to]

"Does not equal. Th' two kin be completely unrelated t'one another an' tha's perfec'ly fine. They kin en'hance each other when they're both involved, but they aren't incomplete without one another at all."

36: What do you wear to bed?

"If I kin get away with it, nothin'. I run 'ot these days, it's real easy t' overheat if I wear stuff t' sleep.

37: When was the first time you masturbated:

"Gods, Iunno. Thirteen? Fifteen? Somewhere in there."

38: Do you have any nude/masturbating pictures/video of yourself?

"Not tha' I keep fer very long. I make 'em an' send 'em t' people tha' I made 'em for, then I get rid of 'em cuz I don't wanna watch m'self wankin' or whatever."

39: Have you ever/when was the last time you had sex outside?

"So many times, gods alive. Last time was a few days ago, if y' count th' back acres on our property as outside enough."

40: Have/would you ever have sex outside?

Leon just kinda snorted. (See previous answer!)

41: Have/would you ever had a threesome?

"Sev'ral times, an' I would 'appily do so again with th' right people. Fun, but occasionally tricky t' figger out."

42: What is one random object you’ve used to masturbate?

"Most o' th' time I'm very borin' an' just stick t' my 'and an' maybe a dildo, but I got one o' those vibratin' sleeve thingers not too long ago tha' I've been meanin' t' try out..."

43: Have/would you ever masturbate at work/school?

"No, an' maybe. If I were still workin' in a kitchen where other people 'ad t' work an' there's food ev'rywhere, it'd be an absolutely not. I work in a private workshop by th' 'ouse now, so I kin get away with it more, long as 'm careful. Thus far I 'aven't been so tempted tha' I couldn't make it back in th' house first, though."

44: Have/would you ever have sex on a plane?

"Never been in one, be willin' t' try. I've 'eard 'ow tiny those bathrooms are."

45: What is one song you’d like to have sex to?

"...gonna 'ave t' ask me that'un again in a few months when I know more songs, sorry."

46: What is something nonsexual that makes you horny?

Answered here!

47: Most attractive celebrity?

"Do th' Tarts count as celebrities? I'm not even gonna try t' pick one, but tha's all I got."

48: Do you watch gay/lesbian porn? why/why not?

"Not a big porn-watcher in gen'ral, my life feels like a goddamned romance novel as it is. Not often I need more'n a couple o' particularly fond mem'ries."

49: If a child was born on the occasion of the last time you had sex, how old would that child be right now?

"Four days."

50: Has anyone ever posted nude pictures of you online?

(Hard to answer this one since the internet at large isn't really a thing in WoW, at least not in a widely-accepted enough way for me to answer it...)

51: What is one thing that NEVER makes you horny?

"Put-downs. Don't call me slut or boy or bitch--gods, especially not bitch--or th' like if y'want me t' go 'ome with y'."

52: Do you have stretch marks? (How do you feel about them? Has anyone ever had a problem with them?)

"Not tha' I've seen."

53: Do you like giving head? (why/why not)

"Like givin' it cuz it makes m' playmate feel real nice, don't like th' flavor s' much."

54: How do you feel about tattoos on someone you are interested in?

"Doesn't make a dif'rence t' me, aside from most tattoos bein' pretty."

55: How would you feel about taking someones virginity?

"Done it, though I'm not a fan o' th' phrasin'. They put some trust in me, I din't take anythin'."

56: Is there any food you would NOT recommend using during a sexual encounter?

"Nothin' spicy. Period. Just don't. It's not worth it."

57: Is there anything you do on Tumblr that you would not like your significant other to see?

(Another one that doesn't really have an answer in this context.)

58: Do you own any sex toys? (what is it? (how long have you had it?)

Leon burst out laughing and pointed at the full-size steamer trunk at the foot of his bed. "Tha's not even close t' all of it, either. Gods alive, wha' a question t' ask me!"

59: Would you give your significant other unrestricted access to your Tumblr for a day?

"Wouldn't give 'em unrestricted access t' anythin' private o' mine fer a day. If it's tha' private t' begin with, it's cuz it's my safe 'aven, an' they respect tha', same as I do their private stuff."

60: Would you be offended if your significant other suggested you get plastic surgery?

"A li'l bit if it came outta nowhere, but I've talked a fair bit about wishin' I could get rid o' some o' my scars. It's not somethin' I wouldn't consider tryin'."

61: Would you rather be a pornstar or a prostitute?

"Pretty 'appy doin' th' latter as it is. Don't think I'd wanna try th' recorded stuff, it seems like it'd be really awkward t' do tha' fer a cam'ra crew an' with somebody 'o ain't really enjoyin' it."

62: Do you watch porn?

"Not really. Most of it's not int'restin' t' me."

63: How small is too small?

"'Too small' is 'ard fer me t' quantify. I 'aven't found anythin' too small fer me t' work with some'ow."

64: Have you ever been called a freak? Why?

Bit of a flat look. "Worgen."

65: Who gave you your last kiss? Did it mean anything?

"Me an' th' guy 'o fucked me on th' fence out back shared quite a few kisses b'fore, durin', an' after. Mostly they meant 'fuck yer hot.'"

66: Would you switch phones with your significant other for a day?

"I mean, I could. Nothin' on there I wouldn't want any of 'em t' see. Be a bit inconvenient though."

67: Do you feel comfortable going “commando”?

"Frankly I'm more comfortable tha' way than otherwise. Spent too long with a big ol' poof o' fur around m' crotch t' be comfy with most undies. Same reason I'm not overly fond o' shoes either."

68: Would you have a problem with going down on someone if they hadn’t shaved their pubic hair?

"Purely in a logistical sense, yeah. I kin still go t' town an' do thin's right, but it's... sloppy. Those 'airs seem t' WANT t' get in yer mouth, an' all tha', an' it's just so much messier overall."

69: If you could give yourself head, would you?

"'O says I can't?"

70: Booty or Boobs?

"I am very much an ass man."

71: If you had a penis, what would you name it?

"I do, but I didn't. Namin' it seems strange."

72: Have you ever been on an official date?

"Sev'ral, but all of 'em only took place in th' last few years. Never when I was growin' up."

73: Have you ever cheated on someone? (Why?)

"No, an' I never will, an' you kin quote me on tha'."

74: If you were a stripper, what would your name be?

"I 'aven't th' faintest idea 'ow tha' works."

75: Have you ever had sex in your parents bed? (Would you?)

"Nope. Never 'ad th' opportunity, an' I think I'd rather throw up on th' floor an' eat it."

76: How would you react if you found out your parents had sex in your bed?

"Sweet, I'm gettin' a new bed!"

77: What was your reaction the first time you saw a penis/vagina

"Assumin' we're not talkin' about my own bits... 'That's not gonna fit!' fer a dick, an' 'This is a lot less sexy than th'other lads made it out t'be' fer a cooch."

78: If you had a penis/vagina for a day, what are five things you would do?

Answered here!

79: Oral, Anal, or Vaginal? 

"Yes."

80: What’s the first thing you look at on someone of the opposite gender?

"Their face. Also 'ow they carry themselves. But mostly their face."

( @pinpep @shckaewynn @valarin-sunstorm for mentions )

[irkimatsu]

Okay, after way too much delay - it's my Eurovision 2021 Final Ranking! This took me a while for a lot of factors - took extra hours at work to make sure I could get time off this week, some recent family events... and most relevantly, the fact that this year is so damn good that no matter what, I knew someone was going to get ripped off by ending up somewhere in the bottom half. Just know that being toward the bottom of the list doesn't necessarily mean I dislike it, especially this year - it just means I like other things more. This year is going to be an absolute bloodbath. I am both excited and terrified.

Try not to take my ranking too seriously, by the way - I'm an American who unironically listens to stuff like Scooch and Dolly Style. I'm not exactly a seasoned music critic. I just know what sort of music makes the happiness center of my brain light up, what the hell is music theory

Ranking made with the sorter at http://esc.gerbear.com/sorter2021.htm, then slightly adjusted when it put some songs concerningly low on the list. Okay, so I cheated a little

Firstly, in the interest in completion - if Belarus didn't get disqualified, they'd be in the big fat 40 rank, with a big bold "Hate" right above. Fuck that song. I've only listened to it once and am so glad I have no obligation to acknowledge it any further. Those fucking lyrics. Mother of Christ. Fuck you guys.

I also offer my condolences to Armenia for their having to bow out this year. I'm sure whatever you guys sent, it couldn't have possibly been worse than "Chains On You".

Now, for the songs that actually matter:

Indifferent:

39 – Spain - “Voy a quedarme” by Blas Cantó: Welp, already I’m gonna get shot. I can’t remember how this song sounds at all. I know it’s tender and genuine and sweet and everything… I just… kinda don’t care. Nothing to say. I liked his entry last year even more, and even that was pretty damn dull. Just not destined to be a Blas Cantó fan, I guess!

38 - North Macedonia – “Here I Stand” by Vasil: I’m with most other rankings I’ve seen; what the hell is this? I at least kinda remember it, which is more than I can say for poor Spain, but oh my god it’s so boring. I really liked “You” last year! What the hell happened, Vasil?

37 – Albania - “Karma” by Anxhela Peristeri: Another “oops” from me, huh. It’s another one I immediately forget about the instant it ends. I at least don’t remember it boring the crap out of me, hence it placing higher than Spain and Macedonia, but I still can’t say anything nice about it – or anything at all, really – so I’ll leave it this low. I acknowledge that I’m in the minority, I won’t protest if it qualifies, but personally, it’s not my pick.

36 – Georgia – “You” by Tornike Kipiani: Give him points for passion, I suppose! At least I’m not laughing at him like I was last year. On the other hand, less ridiculous also means more boring. Points for earnestness, but this is just another song that goes right over my head.

35 – Portugal – “Love Is On My Side” by The Black Mamba: An English song from Portugal? That’s new. Too bad it hasn’t rescued the song from the darkest depths of Boring. I will confess that I spice it up a little by associating it with Homura from Osomatsu-san, thus rescuing it from the deepest pits of my ranking list… but it’s still stuck down here. Portugal and I have never gotten along well Eurovision-wise. I’ve come to accept that.

34 – Slovenia – “Amen” by Ana Soklič: I’m gonna call this a song that I respect more than I like. She’s got a great voice, I can’t deny that… but when I’m ranking this purely based on what I’d go out of my way to listen to, this one falls flat. I warned you at the beginning that I have no taste! I’m not normally into straightforward ballads, the religious connotations are lost on me… this isn’t the song for me.

33 – Austria – “Amen” by Vincent Bueno: Back to back “Amen”s! Tip for getting me to like your Eurovision entry, apparently, is “don’t call your song Amen”. It’s a ballad, earnest and trying but overall not my type of music. I’m running out of ways to say that. Breakup song, a tad bitter, we’ve all heard this sort of song so many times before. It doesn’t stand out, and I think it’d be a waste of a spot in the final.

At least, I thought this was a breakup song when I first wrote this, but apparently it’s about the death of a loved one…? I would say that makes me hate the bitterness, but… given how I’m handling a death in my own family right now… god, I don’t know. I just can’t handle this song, not at any time but especially not now. It doesn’t even provide catharsis like a song later on in the list. It stays this low regardless of its meaning, I just don’t like it, I’m sorry, moving on.

…” 'Cause it all feels like you didn't even try to save us, all this time wasted on a lie”… ugh, my personal problems…

32 – Switzerland – “Tout l'Univers” by Gjon’s Tears: Another one I respect more than I like, and another opinion I’m gonna get my ass beaten for, I’m sure. I respect the artistry, but this is so far removed from anything I’d ever listen to on purpose. It might have landed even lower if I wasn’t afraid of pissing people off. I’ll understand if it wins, but I’ll also be hoping for most anything else.

31 – Russia – “Russian Woman” by Manizha: I don’t get it. Sometimes it’s pleasant enough to listen to, but overall I don’t get it. It’s unique, I’ll give it that! I understand why it won its national final, and why so many people enjoy it! But for me, it doesn’t quite cross that line between “interesting” and “enjoyable”. I'm not Russian - this isn't for me, and it wasn't supposed to be. Though I will confess that there may be some bias at play here. God, I miss Little Big…

Okay:

30 – Estonia – “The Lucky One” by Uku Suviste: The voice is okay, the music is okay, I like how the bitterness is handled here more than in Austria’s… but this is still as high as I can go on this one. It’s serviceable, but this year has so much better to offer.

29 – Sweden – “Voices” by Tusse: Sweden really does like sending the same song over and over again, huh? I don’t hate it, but it does strike me as a lesser “Too Late For Love”, sound wise. Sweden almost never takes risks, and it’s causing me to look over them more and more with every year. I respect it too much to put it in the “Indifferent” category, but given how the rest of my ranking played out, this the best I can do for it. (But again, do not trust the opinions of someone who teethed on cheesy Europop and fondly remembers when Sweden was flooded with the stuff…)

28 – Belgium – “The Wrong Place” by Hooverphonic: Once again, Hooverphonic help Belgium fill the role of Eurovision’s “Most Likely To Appear In A Bond Movie” song. It’s fine. It’s a song! I don’t know what else to say about it! It does its job well enough, it’s just not really a job I care for that much.

27 – Ireland – “Maps” by Lesley Roy: It’s cute enough! A cute little radio tune. It’s no “Story Of My Life”, though. If “22” couldn’t qualify then this probably won’t, either, and I can’t say I’ll miss it all that much. Still pleasant enough when it comes up on the shuffle.

26 – Bulgaria – “Growing Up Is Getting Old” by Victoria: I admit it, this ranks as high as it does because of anime and that’s basically it. If I was still doing plain category sortings this would have landed straight in “Biased”. My favorite anime is about a bunch of 20-somethings learning that growing up sucks and trying as hard as possible to avoid it, and I first heard this song around the same time that I watched that show’s relatively melancholy season finale, so it ended up sticking with me on that note. Don’t have much to say about it musically, just that it makes me picture sextuplets crying and that’s one of my hobbies, so I’ll grant it an “Okay”. (It may also worth noting that if I heard this song before 2019, in the state my life was in before then it would have probably left me too inconsolable to listen to it more than once. Growing up is growing old indeed!

…it’s also worth noting that after I wrote this blurb, a major event happened that really enforced that growing up is getting old, so I listened to this quite a bit for a few days, among some other non-Eurovision songs. I’m probably gonna have an emotional breakdown on Thursday when this one starts. So, um, look out for that, guess. Between this one and Austria’s, I swear to god…)

25 – Italy – “Zitti e buoni” by Måneskin: I’ve been trying to get this one to rank higher, I really have, but its inability to crack the top 20 just says a lot about how damn good this year is. It sounds great, it’s very well done, and I wouldn’t hate to see it win! It’s earned its popularity. Everything holding it back in my own personal ranking is just that, personal – I do lose something when I can’t sing along or understand the lyrics, and there’s another rock song this year that I like way better. Still wishing you guys the best!

24 – Netherlands – “Birth Of A New Age” by Jeangu Macrooy: This song has a great style that I respect a lot. The message, the vibe – even if it’s not a culture I’m a part of, I feel and appreciate the hell out of it, and I really hope it does well. I don’t understand why so many people seem to think it’s not interesting! It may not be the sort of thing I’d go out of my way to listen to, but I’m glad it’s here. Catch me singing out “Yu no man broko mi” on Saturday! It’s been a while since I’ve given a shit about a host country’s entry, so I’m really glad for this one.

23 – Romania - “Amnesia” by Roxen: I’ll admit something else unpopular – I hated “Alcohol You” last year. Didn’t see what the big deal was at all. It sounded okay, I guess, but the lyrics were so pretentious and awful, and I’ve never liked the topic of “I love you even though you have no redeeming qualities whatsoever and you make me feel like shit”. But it seems like in that year, Roxen has discovered that self-love is important, actually, and it’s not worth it spending your time on some shitbag who consistently disappoints you. I appreciate it for that alone. Character growth! Plus, I feel the whole thing of “forgetting how to love yourself because everyone around you sucks”. It’s not the perfect song, not by a long shot, but it has a nice melody, and Roxen has a nice voice. It’s good to hear her using that voice on something I don’t find obnoxious.

22 – Norway – “Fallen Angel” by TIX: Okay, I’ll admit it, this is one where I watched the live video the first time I heard the song, and I was too busy laughing at his outfit to take the song seriously. Jesus Christ, dude, what the hell. Well, that’s Eurovision for you, and the more I listened to it, the more I admitted to myself that I’m a sucker for “I love you but letting you go for your own good, not sure what I ever offered you in the first place” type songs. Knowing the song is inspired by his own disability and self-loathing really twists that knife, to the point where I feel bad that I almost threw this at an anime character. I know I’m usually cold on songs that try to evoke emotions about the singer’s personal problems – Germany 2018, and this year’s Austrian entry – but this one really works for me. Only reason it’s in “Okay” tier is because of its competition – it’d rank way higher in a weaker year.

21 – France – “Voila” by Barbara Pravi: I like a good waltz, I guess! It’s a unique number, and the French language sounds nice, especially with the music. It’s yet another example of how this year is filled with so many interesting entries that I appreciate the hell out of. God bless this diverse year! (Or maybe everything just sounds so good to me because last year’s cancellation left me in withdrawal.) I expect a really nice performance for this one – this song isn’t one you can perform while just standing there, especially not during that speedup toward the end.

20 – Australia – “Technicolour” by Montaigne: That song that sounds like it’s about stripping if you don’t know that she’s saying cloaks. (Guilty as charged.) It’s catchy and fun, and I really love it when it first starts… but unfortunately, it does wear out its welcome toward the end of things. It’s a good party song, just a little repetitive. I still like it just fine, and wouldn’t mind seeing her in the final this year! Hope the performance is colorful and sparkly, it’d suit the song well

Like:

19 – Germany – “I Don’t Feel Hate” by Jendrik: I know stereotyping is bad but I was not remotely surprised to find out that Jendrik is gay. This song is pure gay sass, and god, I love every minute of it. I fully expect it to fall on its ass – this wouldn’t make it to the final if it wasn’t an automatic qualifier – but I’ll have a grand old time watching it! The sarcastic lyrics, the cheerful little ukulele, the middle finger costume… this song is a delight. Only thing that I think really brings it down is that weird spoken bit that interrupts the song. That’s so annoying, brings me right out of it. And I did purposely rank it below songs that aren’t complete shitposts. But thank you for your existence, Jendrik, your contribution to Eurovision is much appreciated.

18 – Israel – “Set Me Free” by Eden Alene: I said it this year and I’ll say it again this year, Eden Alene is a goddess of a woman. Absolutely gorgeous. Appreciation for pretty women aside, it’s a fun party song in a sea of fun party songs! I really do like it, I like her voice, but there’s so much else this year that drowns it out – not much stands out here compared to later entries on the list. Still a good song, though.

…and I do not expect for an instant that this is going to make it to the final. …my personal ranking is based on how the song sounds, okay? Just the song. Just the song. Nothing else. Just the song. Anyway…

17 – United Kingdom – “Embers” by James Newman: What’s this? A UK entry I don’t find bland as off-white paint? That doesn’t happen often! I didn’t like his entry last year, romantic ballad bla bla bla whee, but I’m always down for a good party song. It’s a little generic and radio friendly, sure, but that doesn’t mean it’s not fun as hell to sing along with!

16 – Greece – “Last Dance” by Stefania: I really liked last year’s “Supergirl”, but figured it didn’t have too much of a chance because it struck me as being a little too teen poppy to be taken entirely seriously. It seems like Greece thought so, too, because they’ve ramped it up with this year’s entry. They’re not playing around anymore, sending a grand, powerful song that, like “Embers”, is fun as hell to belt. This is another one I’m really looking forward to the live performance for – the music video is gorgeous, and I hope they capture that same majesty on stage!

15 – Moldova – “Sugar” by Natalia Gordienko: Oh, Moldova, I’m so glad you guys decided to be completely batshit again this year. I’ve missed your nonsense so much. Dancing ice cream cones. Cake men. This video is glorious. And the song goes well with the insanity! A catchy dance tune that can only be improved with downright insane staging. Please let the dancing ice cream cones be on stage, I’m begging you

14 – Latvia – “The Moon Is Rising” by Samanta Tina: A unique electronica number backed with a powerful as hell voice. I can see where all the wubbing would get on people’s nerves, but personally, I love it! I love the voice, I love the attitude, Samanta just oozes confidence, and if she doesn’t make it to the final it’s not gonna be because she didn’t give it her goddamn all.

13 – Poland – “The Ride” by RAFAL: Why is this one so unpopular? You people don’t know how to have fun. Yeah, yeah, last year’s “Empires” was a powerful song… but I like my club nonsense much more, so I’m favoring this one. Yet another song that gets me pumped – this whole Contest is gonna leave me with a smile on my face, there’s so much good party music

12 – Azerbaijan – “Mata Hari” by Efendi: Yeah, they’re basically just sending “Cleopatra” again, but “Cleopatra” was so goddamn good that I can’t even blame them for it. This song needed a chance to compete, and I’m glad it’s getting it again this year. I like it so much that I can even forgive the line about being a “godless”. Oh, Europop, don’t you ever change.

11 – Cyprus – “El Diablo” by Elena Tsagrinou: Huh, I didn’t know Cyprus had perfected their Lady Gaga cloning technology. Neat. More seriously, the early 2010’s club vibe of this song is exactly my jam, enough that I can forgive the “I’m in love with a horrible person” theme. (I think I forgive that theme a lot more from catchy party songs than heartfelt ballads I’m actually supposed to feel for.) Hell, I even like the creepy chanting! Sure, it’s a little cheesy, but cheese is always a good ingredient when used in moderation.

(How many songs are we going to get this year, not just in Eurovision, about wanting to fuck devils? I mean, not that I don’t get it… mmm, Akuma Ichimatsu… um. Anyway.)

10 – Czech Republic – “Omaga” by Benny Cristo: And here we enter the top ten of a strong year, where I’d love to see any of them win! Benny, what is with that title. Why. Ah well, like I said earlier, I do like moderate amounts of cheese, and this song is more than fun enough to have earned itself a ridiculous lyric or two. It’s unique, I’ll give it that! The song is just so bouncy and fun that I manage to ignore how pushy the singer is. Another one I expect big things from the staging for.

9 – Lithuania – “Discoteque” by The Roop: Ignoring the current events that surely inspired the song, I do love the more generic “party song for introverts” read on it – if only you knew how many one-person dance parties I’d had in my own house. This song speaks to me deeply. I can’t even begin to call it a joke song; I think it’s doing exactly what it set out to do, and it’s doing it oh so well. God, those synths. Totally okay with dancing alone!

8 – Iceland – “10 Years” by Daði og Gagnamagnið: I want Daði Freyr to adopt me. I don’t even care that he’s younger than me. He’s just such an earnest, fun guy, and I love his 8-bit aesthetic! And come on, he submitted a song about how much he loves his wife! If I ever stop loving this song it’s because my heart shriveled and died. Love isn’t dead, it’s just in chiptune now. I will throw things if this doesn’t make it into the final, do you all have no souls, this is too damn cute

7 – Serbia – “Loco Loco” by Hurricane: Another group I am so excited to see return, because I adored “Hasta La Vista”. I don’t know if I like this one quite as much, but it’s still catchy as hell! I love trying to sing along with it despite not knowing a word of Serbian.

6 – Croatia – “Tick-Tock” by Albina: Another catchy-ass club song! What more can I say? I love how much of this stuff we got this year. I will absolutely be screaming “Don’t go, don’t go, don’t go!” Oh god that was cheesy… I’ve been working on this ranking for too long. Don’t know what else to say about this one, just that I adore it. Just barely missed the top 5.

Love:

5 – Malta – “Je Me Casse” by Destiny: This girl’s got pipes– not surprised to hear she won the Junior contest before! I get major “Toy” vibes from this song, and you all know just how much I adored that one. Aaa, those horns! Expecting big things from you, Destiny! We may have our winner!

4 – San Marino – “Adrenalina” by Senhit – As much of a soft spot I had for last year’s “Freaky”, I don’t think it was gonna make it into the final, unless Senhit had the blessing of the same angels who were looking out for Serhat in 2019. This one, though? San Marino tasted the final two years ago and they are never giving it up again! This song goes hard! Love the song, love the video’s aesthetic, I even kinda like Flo Rida’s rap, even though I’m still baffled by the idea that I have been regularly listening to a song featuring Flo Rida on purpose. I don’t know what he’s doing here but I’m glad he is. Please, please make it to the final, San Marino! You clearly want the hell out of it this year! Favorite club song in a year of amazing club songs.

3 – Finland – “Dark Side” by Blind Channel: After spending about five seconds disappointed that Finland wouldn’t be sending Pandora this year, I gave this song a shot, and was not expecting what it gave me. I feel like an angsty middle schooler again, and it is bliss. This is everything Hatari wanted to be, but unlike Hatari who just confused me, I absolutely love the hell out of this song. …some of those lyrics, though. “27 Club, headshot, we don’t wanna grow up”? Yikes. But as dark and questionable as it might be, I can’t help but get pumped when I hear it. Definitely my favorite rock song of the year – sorry, Italy!

2 – Denmark – “Øve os på hinanden” by Fyr & Flamme: I love you, 1983. I don’t care how dated it is when my entire soul consists of a disco ball. The song’s so damn cute! This is the one member of my top 5 that I’m most terrified of losing – I know it’s not popular, with everyone calling it dated, but my top 5 always has that dated song that I love the hell out of becauseit sounds so classic. The translated lyrics are adorable, too. Even if you guys flame out in the semi, you’ll live on in the disco in my heart.

Favorite:

1 – Ukraine – “Shum” by Go_A: Holy fucking shit. There’s something about the blending of traditional and electronic that gets me hyped – see KEiiNO – and this one does not disappoint. The last minute of this is the best minute of Eurovision this year, and god, the buildup! I don’t even know Ukrainian but I am trying my damnedest to get the lyrics down, phonetically, at least. You know that “dancing goths” meme video? That’s me whenever this song comes on, especially during that speed up. Love the hell out of it. Could Ukraine be on its way to another victory already? I sure hope so, because this song fucking rules. Definitely checking out the rest of the discography someday, if all of their songs are in this folktronica style then they’ve gotta be a treat to listen to. Go Ukraine!

Ideal Qualifiers (favorite of each semi in bold):

Semi 1

Australia

Azerbaijan

Croatia

Cyprus

Israel

Lithuania

Malta

Norway

Romania

Ukraine Semi 2:

Czech Republic

Denmark

Finland

Greece

Iceland

Latvia

Moldova

Poland

San Marino

Serbia

This is definitely not what's going to happen - there is no universe where Switzerland and Sweden don't make it - but it'll be interesting to compare the reality to my hopes.

Let's go, Eurovision 2021

[specialagentfluffstein]

good morning cute and sort of mysterious lady. ALL THE QUESTIONS PLEASE AND THANK YOU.

Good afternoon enthused and sort of mysterious new friend! Here all the questions. 

1. Do youbite or lick ice cream? Neither. I use a spoon because ice cream is so damn messy. 

2. What ishome to you? Wherever my record player is. 

3. What wasthe last lie you told? That I definitely had a great time at someone’s birthday party. 

4. Doeseveryone deserve the truth? In the end, yes. 

5. What isthe creepiest toy ever made? Kewpie dolls. 

6. Describea moment in which you did something unacceptable in a bad situation.  Encouraged an officer to let me stay late and help with a holdover shift, even though explorers are supposed to get dumped off after twelve hours. 

7. List twothings that are more easily done than said. (No, I didn’t mix them up.) Opening the door to the backlot outbuilding garage and unlocking the Bearcat G3; Running an ID card over tac two on a felony stop with multiple subjects. 

8. When wasthe last time you worked really hard to achieve something? Getting to the place where I could graduate a semester early. 

9. How manyall nighters have you pulled? I’ve seen my share of Graves. 

10. Ifhumans didn’t evolve to laugh or smile, how would we express our happinessinstead?  Probably through other verbal indications and physical expressions. 

11. How manyromantic “things” or “flings” have you had? Enough to know what I’m not looking for.

12. What isyour paradise? unlimited access to media - e.g. music, movies, tv, books, etc. and a comfy place to listen/watch/read

13. What isyour favorite background noise? (Ex. Water dripping, people talking.) Fancy restaurants or reruns of television shows.

14. How manyhearts do you think you have broken? Probably quite a few. At least four in the past two years. 

15. What isthe most important thing about electronics? What does this say about you?  That they can handle multiple things at once. It says that I am a multitasker.

16. Why dopeople care about celebrities? Do you care about celebrities? Because sometimes it’s nice to escape to a world where the only real problems are botched nose jobs and whether or not someone should have worn something. I care in that I’ve got my favorite celeb crushes (Hi, Alexander Skarsgard!)

17. What isthe most annoying thing someone can do to you? Act like they know what they’re doing when they obviously don’t. Also act like I can’t do something because I’m a girl. 

18. Do youoverexaggerate? What are the pros and cons of this? not really. I tend to encounter so much weirdness that I don’t have to. Pros: I’m a good story teller. Cons: people sometimes think I am exaggerating. 

19. Have youplayed any instruments before? Which instruments? I can play three elvis songs on the piano.

20. Do youlike taking selfies? Why or why not? Yup! Because I’m self centered as hell. 

21. List 3things you like about yourself? 1. Great hair; 2. Smart; 3. Loud.

22. What isthe best advice someone has ever given you? “If the worst thing that happens today is that you mess up on the radio, it’s been a good day.”

23. Do youhave what it takes to raise a child? Why or why not? Yeah not  a big fan of small children. 

24. How doyou cheer yourself up after a bad day? Television. 

25. When wasthe last time you felt awkward? Truly awkward? I somehow ended up sitting in on a male officers yearly physical exam results last year, because no one thought to leave the female explorer in the waiting room or make her wait in the hall. Homeboy was in prime health though.  

26. Are youintroverted or extroverted? Or a mixture of both? definitely an extrovert.

27. Whatconstitutes a good friend? Being invested, but not clingy.

28. Wouldyou rather have a lot of friends to hang out with or just one best friend? Depends. I have a super ultra best friend, but I also will talk to anything that moves, so I generally need to be around people.

29. In aregular day, what do you not want to hear? “How will the detectives/officers/males in general be able to get any work done with you looking so cute?” 

30. What isyour dream job? FBI SWAT Medic or Television critic

31. Is itbetter to be lazy but smart or hardworking but unintelligent? The former.

32. What isa truth about yourself that others find hard to believe? I graduated high school at sixteen and I’ll have my bachelor’s at twenty.

33. Whathave you always wondered about the other gender? Does the penis bounce around when you run/go up stairs/move in general like breasts do? 

34. Whichfantasy world would you like to visit the most? Does Bludhaven count? Because I’m totally down to be a cop with Dick Grayson. 

35. Describethe worst friend you have ever befriended. I tend to inadvertently pick up cling-ons, so I spend a lot of time trying to look like I really have to be somewhere on campus whenever I see someone who thinks we’re besties. 

36. Imaginethat you have switched bodies with someone you don’t know. You can’t switchback. What do you do? Are you sure I can’t switch back? Because I think I might be hunting down shadowman and making him change me back. 

37. If youfound the recipe for immortality, would you sell it or would you burn it? Is keep it for my own personal gain an option? Can I develop it into a serum of sorts to deal with life-threatening illnesses and injuries?

38. What isthe most important, applicable class you have ever taken? Statistics in high school and First Responder. I am so good at calling 911. 

39. Name thelast book you read. One Bullet Away by Nathaniel Fick. 

40. Imaginethat you are unable to express emotion. How would this affect your world? Ha! Jokes on you I’m already an ice queen with no feelings!

41. When wasthe last time you made the first move? Last spring, on the hot Marine in my advanced nonfiction class. Got his number and everything. 

42. What isyour opinion on electronic music such as dubstep or trap? I like Deee-Lite, does that count? 

43. What wasthe last movie you watched? Blue Ridge Fall. Chris Isaak is great. 

44. Do youlike and appreciate your life? I do.

45. Do youlike and appreciate yourself? I do. 

46. When wasthe last time you cried? ???? Good question. 

47. What areyou scared of? Not a huge fan of fire.

48. What isthe most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done? same story as last time. 

49. What aresome of your hobbies? I knit! I’m working on a shawl right now.

50. What isa superficial yet annoying mistake you constantly make? Confusing the boxes on J4 (paperwork) because I’m not paying attention. 

51. Are youa good friend? What makes you a good friend? If not, what makes you a badfriend? I think I’m a good friend. I’m pretty loyal once I think you’ve earned it. 

52. Do youhonestly learn from your mistakes? Yes. At least I try. 

53. Whathave you learned the hard way? The running boards/ any protruding edge on SWAT trucks are not fun to collide with. 

54. What isthe most important thing to have in order to attain happiness? A Happy outlook.

55. Whichmedium do you use for expressing your artistic emotions? (Singing, writing,etc.) I write, and I like to sing in my car, and I knit. 

56. Are youa creative or a logical thinker? I’m logically creative.

57. What isthe smartest thing you have ever done? Bought a unique antenna ball. I always know which white four door sedan is mine. 

58. What isyour ideal meal? Sushi. or any meal shared with people who make me laugh.

59. What isthe worst thing someone could do on a date? Say “I hate cops” and/or hold me vaguely hostage for ten hours. 

60. Do youlike animals? Which kind is your favorite? Can I say Porgs? Does that count? I also like doggos.

61. If youcould turn one legal thing illegal, what would it be? Riding your bike on the sidewalks around campus.

62. Do youhave any guilty pleasures? Bad television. 

63. What isthe best thing that the internet has ever created? Dog videos. And the ability to look things up in seconds. 

64. Do youlike playing video games? Which video games? Uhhhh I still play the nintendo ds lego games. I like the batman one. 

65. What isyour opinion on beauty in today’s society? It’s so unique! Like there are so many ways to be beautiful even on just a superficial level. 

66. Are youa morning person? When do you usually wake up? Yes! I try to be up and moving by 8am. 

67. Do youhave a favorite Disney movie? Character? either Sleeping Beauty or The Princess and the Frog. I love love love Judy Hopps from Zootopia and I’m quite partial to Prince Phillip. 

68. Wouldyou rather live in the city or in the countryside? 110% City Girl.

69. Wouldyou rather live near the ocean or in the mountains? Ocean.

70. What arethe best things about winter? Sweaters and cocoa and fluffy things. 

71. Whatscares you most about the future? That I don’t know who will be there with me. 

72. Whatmakes you feel old? Being around fourteen-year-old explorers. 

73. How manyhours do you spend on the computer or phone on average? five? more if I have a lot of homework?

74. What aresome of your New Year’s resolutions? I don’t resolutions so much as goals. I’ve met most of them.

75. What isyour life story in 6 words? Why is this happening to me?

76. Describeyourself in one word. Loud

77. What badhabits do you do? Obsessive gum chewer.

78. Whatgenre of music do you listen to? A wide range of stuff. I’m really into Opera and Choral right now, but I’ve also listened to “Southern Nights” and “American Girl” on repeat today. 

79. Mostprominent childhood memory? Sunday Dinners with my family.

80. Imagineif you had an older brother. If you already have one, what is it like? If youdon’t, how would this change your life? I wouldn’t be the oldest, which means I couldn’t pull the oldest child card. 

81. Spiritanimal? Grizzly Bear

82. Do youbelieve in horoscopes? Sometimes. 

83. What isthe worst advice you’ve ever been given? any variation on “let things come to you”

84. List the3 most important people in your life right now. Sister, Mom, BFFL.

85. Favoritememory of your family. The last time my uncle came and visited.

86. What doyou look for in a relationship? Being treated with respect. Also a uniform (especially a USMC one) doesn’t hurt, but it’s not a deal breaker. 

87. Do youhave a role model? Why or why not? Yeah! But it’s more like I like the way people act or do things and I adopt those traits and things. 

88. What isyour opinion on social media? A good way to fuel the mild narcissism I try to keep quiet. Also good for amateur detective work. 

89. Are youa pessimist or an optimist? Aggressively optimistic.  

90. Listsome things that you think are overpriced? FEMALE TACTICAL ANYTHING.

91. What isyour worst memory or creepiest experience? Sixteenth Birthday.

92. Whatsuperpower would ruin the world? Invisibility. 

93. What issomething you swore you would never do when you grew up, but you did anyway? Go to college in my hometown. 

94. Whatlessons have you learned from movies and which movies were they? You can be both a princess and a total badass (Star Wars); It doesn’t matter where you came from, you can be a hero/achieve your dreams/make things better (Pretty much all of the Disney movies). Ohana isn’t necessarily the people you’re related to (Lilo and Stitch). 

95. If youcould travel anywhere, where would you go? Right now? Disneyland Paris.

96. How doyou approach people? Confidently. 

97. What isyour opinion on first impressions? Usually pretty accurate, barring some wild exigent circumstances. 

98. What aresome things you did as a child that you no longer do? Wear frosted lip gloss. 

99. Whatlanguages can you speak? English, Spanish, Regional Law Enforcement, and I’ve got a basic understanding of Old English.

100. What doyou think society will be like in 30 years? Better. 

101. What doyou do on your lazy days? Watch TV. 

102. Whatended your last relationship? A move to Colorado. 

103.Favorite food? Sushi. and Pizza.

104. What isthe most terrifying dream you’ve ever had? I dreamed I was living on a house boat and I was pregnant. I woke up terrified and thinking ‘How am I going to be a cop if I’m pregnant?!’

105. Whenwas the last time you got seriously angry? Anytime my co-lieutenant does anything. 

106. Whatwas the last friendship you broke? I’m not really sure. I try not to burn bridges. 

107. Do youhave any pet peeves? Wrinkled clothes and mismatched socks. 

108. Who wasthe last person you gave a hug to? My sister? 

109. Whenwas the last time you got seriously stressed? Trying to finish a profile for my nonfiction class last month.

110. Whatpart of your personality do you want to change? I can be a little cold. 

111. Who isthe most positively influential person in your life right now? One of the detectives I work with.

112. What isyour biggest motivation? Fear of failure.

113. Whatdid you want to be when you were little? A Triple Threat.

114. Whatare some things that you are good at? Knitting, being the cutest explorer, making breakfast foods, basic makeup. 

115. What isone thing you want to be good at? winged eyeliner. 

116. Whatdistracts you the most, especially when you’re trying to work? My sister. In the best way, though, She’s always sending me silly memes or dog pics. 

117. Howimportant is privacy to you? Really important. 

118. If youcould create one social norm, what would it be? Disney music being acceptable on the radio. 

119. What’sthe craziest lie you’ve ever told? I once convinced a boy scout troop that I was British. 

120. Whatstory do you like to tell about yourself at parties? I like telling the story about the time a guy shoved meth up his butt in the back of the squad car I was riding in on a ride along. It’s a crowd pleaser for sure. 

121. What isthe lamest thing that you have seen someone do? Tell a class that he enjoyed going to the gym as his icebreaker fun fact. 

122. What isthe stupidest thing you’ve done to impress someone? Gave him a bunch of Junior Officer stickers. (it worked, though)

123. What isyour morning routine? Tumble out of bed, stumble to the kitchen, pour myself a cup of ambition. 

124. What’sthe last thing you did that is worth remembering? I bought some professional clothes beyond just a white button up and black pencil skirt. 

125. Ifkarma was coming back to you, would it help or hurt you? I think it would help.

126. What isyour opinion on playing “hard to get?” You should probably just be straight with people.

127. Whatare the pros and cons of straightforward? Pros: no bullshit! Cons: People think you are “scary” or “brash.”

128. What doyou consider “leading” someone on? Lying about your intentions.

129. Are youthe friendzoner or the friendzoned? I’ve been both. 

130. What doyou admire most about your friends? They are so kind. 

131. What doyou admire most about your family? We are a resourceful and resilient bunch.

132. What isyour opinion on “going with the flow?” Something I have to work on.

133. Do youenjoy talking or listening? Both.

134. When isit time to end a friendship? When it’s unhealthy for either party. 

135. What isthe worst excuse you’ve ever come up with? “My mom won’t let me give my phone number out” I was fifteen.

136. If GPAdidn’t matter, what courses would you have taken? More science and physics classes. And theatre. And art. And writing classes. 

137. Whatare your favorite baby names? my current favorite baby is named Finley…

138. Whenwas the last time you had a deep conversation with someone? I talked with a detective about some of my ambitions.

139. Whatinstantly ruins a conversation? Felony Tones (ha) and ignorance. 

140. Biggestturn ons and turn on offs. On - Nice smiles; Off - “You’re too pretty to be a cop”

141. Biggestdisappointment - Not making Captain. 

142. Do youhave any self-restraint? Yes, unless it is with puppies and then no. 

143. Whendid you last do something outside of your comfort zone? I did something with the permission of one advisor and his supervisor that was in direct opposition to what my main advisor wanted. It worked out in my favor though. 

144. Prizedpossession(s)? Four gold medals from competing in SkillsUSA in high school, some photo boxes, my record collection, my playing card collection. 

145. What isyour opinion on second chances? Okay when they are truly deserved.

146. Text orcall? Text. Or call. Whatever. I’ll likely ignore you either way.

147. What doyou like about the 21st century? I am not socially obligated to wear a skirt if I don’t want to. 

148. Whatadvice would you give to yourself 5 years ago? It’s okay to change your mind. Do what’s going to make you happy. Kiss that boy. 

149. Howorganized are you? Pretty organized, when I have time to sit and organize. 

150.Favorite mode of transportation. Bearcat G3. 

 Thanks for being nosy!