#my knight in shining armor who hates when i get on twitter

[peelingstickers]

these are the memes my bf likes on social media im gonna marry a 56yr old man in my 20’s

[impsandstars]

Some thoughts on Stolas's growth from the early days vs. Mastermind

I recently saw on twitter someone bring up the parallels between the interaction between Stolas and Blitz in truth seekers and their interaction during the court scene. The tone and Stolas’s demeanor is very similar but with one crucial difference. In mastermind Stolas was putting on an act, pretending to be this elitist, bigoted Goetia, and although I don’t believe Stolas has ever felt or been at the same level as Andrealphus in his distaste and seeing imps as lesser beings, the Stolas in truth seekers feels like a different person. So I wanted to go back to the beginning, now that we have this arc of the book coming to a close and see how Stolas has changed.

The Stolas we meet in season 1 episode 1 is utterly infatuated with Blitz. Blitz (from The Circus episode) was this rugged, no nonsense, pleasure seeking, suave motherfucker that swept Stolas off his feet. Who showed him, for possibly the first time in his life, what real, mutual, consensual pleasure with a man was like and he was hooked. Blitz was also someone that Stolas chose himself, and we also know now how devastatingly lonely Stolas has been.

The man, literally the morning after their first meeting after 25 years, finally finally had the nerve to be like ‘that’s the sound of a fucking divorce!’ to the wife he hates. (I cheer every time. The absolute relief and crazed laughter after he just realized what he had done)

Look at what that lizard did to the man just after one night, no wonder Stolas reached out wanting to keep Blitz in his life.

And so the natural conclusion he came to was to find a way to get the imp back, and to do so permanently, or at least for as long as possible. So was born their transaction. I personally don’t believe Stolas set this up with the understanding of the power dynamic issue. I think it’s a problem that it never crossed his mind, and I’m not saying he gets a pass, but I do understand where it came from. He had a problem: I want to have sex with Blitz more, I don't want to feel so lonely, I want to see more of the man that sparked something to life in me and so he came up with a solution that he felt made the most sense. He gets what he wants and Blitz is able to continue his work. I also have always been intrigued if the main reason Stolas didn’t immediately go get his book back when he realized it was lost was because he wanted it to be a reason to get Blitz back into his life. Which can be romantic….and a bit manipulative too (‘I’ve allowed you to use my book even though it is illegal so do me this favor.’ Oh no Stolas.). There wouldn’t be growth if he didn’t start out with things that needed to be addressed.

As stated by others many times, both of these idiots (affectionate) placed the other on a pedestal (“Where is my knight in shining armor”). Seeing what they wanted to see on a surface level and not really going any deeper. Blitz to Stolas was just this embodiment of freedom and choice, an idea (a prince come to save me), rather than Stolas looking at Blitz as a whole person. We see this in the way that he talks to Blitz in the Loo Loo Land and the Harvest Moon Festival. He pays Blitz to essentially have the chance to flirt with him all day and when Blitz says things like, “save it bitch I’m working,” and “this is work and work only…not here to satisfy your perverted bird needs,” I don’t think Stolas is actually paying attention to his tone or his words and is just like, ‘oooo blitzy is being flirty, hard to get, pushing me away but wanting me.’ Remember this guy lives and breathes soap operas and romance novels which idealize actual relationships and so is reading it how he wants it to be perceived, not how it actually is. Blitz sees this as a job he has to do and Stolas sees this as an opportunity to spend time together. In the Harvest Moon Festival Stolas’s comments of “that sexy one there” and “my darling Blitzyyyyy”, again have negative reactions from Blitz of embarrassment which Stolas seems to not really be aware of, or again reads it as him being “cute”.

It’s not great but personally I do not read it as Stolas intentionally ignoring the way Blitz is responding, I think he is just reacting to everything Blitz does with some very rose tinted glasses.

I believe over time though, after spending time with Blitz during their full moon meetings and on other occasions where they were together, I think Stolas’s feelings began to grow slowly into something real when he allowed himself to actually notice who Blitz was as a person (and realized that he liked these things about him). 

Maybe Blitz wore horse boxers and Stolas got to see them every time he took his pants off, charmed by this little detail. He would see the picture of Loona, Moxxie and Millie as his phone background, realizing that they weren’t just colleagues to him but closer. They would probably talk about random things after they finished for the night. Stolas asking him how his day was and Blitz going into a tangent about their latest client. Blitz would flirt and make corny jokes that would have Stolas rolling over in laughter. Blitz was eager to try new things in the bedroom with him and would (speculating here) clean him up after a long session, hands gentle, eyes averted.

Unfortunately he still didn’t see that the transactional relationship was an issue and was something that was preventing Blitz from seeing what was forming between them as anything different. It kept them together, kept them seeing each other, and Stolas wished to keep that for as long as he could. 

You see more distinctly a change in Stolas at Ozzie’s. He isn’t parading Blitz around, flirting shamelessly with him or making overly sexual comments; he thinks this is a real date. An encounter that people do to get to know each other better, to spend time with someone that they like. His view and feelings for Blitz have changed into something a little more real. He asks about his day, trying to make this suddenly awkward situation better, genuinely wanting to take this seriously. 

Then we get Blitz’s admission and a much needed reality check from Stolas that the consequence of setting this whole thing up without thinking of the implications it had had was coming to fruition. Blitz is setting up a boundary (‘don’t read into this more, it’s only about the book’).

And what does Stolas not do? He doesn’t agree with Blitz that yea this is just transactional, or wave it off as Blitz being ‘cute’ again, or that the only reason they’re still doing this is because he just wants Blitz to fuck him. Because at one point in time it absolutely was. But now? Stolas doesn’t see it that way anymore. (He had heart eyes when he realized Blitz was asking him on a date and put on his best outfit. The boy was falling for him).

So Stolas, seeing, finally, the impact this whole situation has had on Blitz, he goes out of his way to end it, and not only that, but end it in a way that ensures Blitz can still do his job, which Stolas knows is important to not only him but his family. Because he sees Blitz now. Sees the importance of getting Blitz’s side to all of this, because he had assumed they were both on the same page. Episode 1 Stolas I don’t think would be as quick to try to end things if he had been confronted. Again not vindictively, not because he believes Blitz should be happy he gets to fuck a Goetic prince, but because he wanted it so bad. Needed it even.

Seeing Stars and Western Energy are these somewhat weird middle grounds between Ozzie’s and Oops because Stolas goes back to shameless flirting and not really seeing Blitz’s discomfort when he was about to perform on Tv in the former. But in Western Energy his texting to Blitz in the hospital, I feel, does show some of his growth. He knows they are on rocky ground and so gives Blitz the choice to come see him or not. He wants comfort after what has happened to him. He wants to see the person who makes him feel better. 

And, we do get confirmation from Blitz at the start of Full Moon that Stolas hasn’t had them doing their transaction since the night of Ozzie’s (so for a few months?), which means Stolas is taking Blitz feelings about this seriously and having a nice long look at his own side to all of this. He is trying to show Blitz that he now means more to him than just the sex. 

In Full Moon we get a Stolas who is apologetic (although doesn’t actually say sorry :/), explaining (as best he can my poor boy) that he doesn’t want this to continue. Blitz is free now from the tether that Stolas tied around them to keep him in his life. (If you love me let me goooo). He’s being (for the most part since he is kind of doing the 'if you love me you'll say' test) selfless here, allowing Blitz the chance to make up his own mind about being with Stolas (a choice he really didn’t give him in episode 1. Like Stolas, my dude, you called Blitz to set this whole thing up in the middle of being chased and shot at and we know you know that because of the bubble. Yikes, not good there. Blitz probably would have said yes though no matter what the situation he was in because he had a family to take care of). Yes it wasn’t perfect. Stolas still made the decision himself to end it and give Blitz a crystal without prefacing it with some more context, but his intentions were good. ‘I care for you and didn’t realize that what we were doing was being understood differently by the both of us so have this choice now that I didn't give you in the beginning.’

And then we have Mastermind. This is it. The one action that many a romance is built on, ‘I would do anything, even sacrifice myself, to make sure you are safe and alive.’ There is so much complexity to mastermind and Stolas’s actions here but the main one in terms of Stolas’s growth is an understanding (maybe not an entire understanding but one more than he had before) of the class issue inherent in Hell. Episode 1 Stolas would be flabbergasted by it. Stolas plays into it in this episode, acknowledging the power it has to influence the elite lining the courtroom to save Blitz’s life. 

I feel such maturity from Stolas. Going back and watching him in Loo Loo Land is like seeing a completely different person. He is naive and juvenile in the way he talks and presents himself that is so drastically different from the ‘master of my fate’ that we get in Mastermind. 

And it’s beautiful because we’re not done yet. Stolas is a baby bird just thrust into new circumstances with a Blitz fully now on board with the idea of them. Stolas is going to experience a world he has only recently started to understand and I can’t wait for his future growth because it will bring him and Blitz together with a better understanding of each other.

[silentcryracha]

❍ ‗ Watching a movie with Han ‗ ❍

Pairing : Han Jisung x f reader

Summary : chapter five of a cute standalone miniseries. It's what it says in the title

Genre/ Warnings : scenario/imagine/headcanon, drabble, fluff, suggestive but no actual smut, everyone yaps and is a nerd, homebody! Jisung is real, some swear words

Word count : 600 words

A/n : none

ps: There could be grammar errors. Do NOT repost on other socials. Leave feedback if you feel like it, otherwise enjoy! ♡︎

masterlist

series masterpost

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Watching anything, not just a movie, but a tv show, an anime, a short, a music video, literally anything, is an experience.

Each one unique and requiring at least a whole five minutes of commentary.

He's the kind of guy who feels like his life changed completely after viewing a certain product. He will gen into it so much, from the possible lore or original material, the music, the character takes and analysis from twitter users. He's probably one of them

It's so funny actually because you can pretty much guess what mood he's in by the type of thing he recommends watching. A sad movie? He's in his feels and probably lowkey needs a good cry. A fun anime? He wants to have fun and not pay too much attention, probably just relax.

A horror movie? He either wants to try and scare you and then act like the knight in shining armor (he's actually shitting himself too, trust)

"Shit! They just did a jumpscare, I didn't expect one two seconds later!" a couple of popcorns jumping out of the bowl.

"Oh no did that ugly nun scare my princess?" he wraps your shoulders with his arm, voice comically condescending, "Does she want a kiss to make it better?"

"Don't even try it, Sung. I saw you jump too, loser"

A thriller or dramatic movie? Probably feels the need to overthink something other than his life, and most likely have a nice, interesting conversation.

He's also quite strict with seeing new episodes from a series he hasn't seen before. He doesn't like to watch stuff in your presence unless you are also watching them. He much prefers your company anyway, feels also a bit disrespectful and in general he probably wants to focus on the plot.

He's usually pretty silent and concentrated but if it's a rewatch or he's purposefully showing you something he just yaps. So much. He NEEDS you to feel things as he felt them, you know?

"Baby, there! Did you see that shot? It's so fucking genius actually, will be so important for the plot later on"

"Don't spoil!" you exclaim, annoyed.

"Yah, I didn't spoil, I just commented on how good the shot was!" he defended, as you rolled your eyes.

"Yeah, yeah. Shush."

But it's actually stronger than him, I fear.

"The composer using that bit of music during that scene..I know what they're doing"

"How can you hate someone so much but also enjoy their presence at the same time? Such good acting"

But don't get me wrong! He loves to hear you yap just as much. He's actually so in awe, looking at you with those big round eyes and an amused smile.

"Am I talking too much? Ah, sorry baby" you chuckle embarrassed as you catch yourself basically covering the audio of the movie.

He shakes his head with a smile, still with those adoring eyes. Like you could do no wrong, ever.

"No, my baby. You could be literally reading a cooking book, I don't care. You look too pretty."

But when you've both seen the movie/series in question and it's NOT a sad one...it's over. You both know damn well it's just part of the game foreplay at that point.

"Honey, how about we just chill and rewatch this? It was fun last time"

And just like last time, this time was indeed fun, since the movie was left on his own to the end credits as you were blowing each other's backs out.

It's a given at that point, I don't make the rules

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

[harringtonstudios]

you’re perfect.

plot: the famous life isn’t for everyone, sometimes the comments can get to you.

A/N: i got distracted while working on a request haha! let me know your feelings :) 

reminder: you are all beautiful the way you are, no matter what anyone says. there is inner beauty hiding in corners of your skin, and outer beauty glowing, lighting you up.

taglist: @iamdorka​ @no-shxt-sherl​ @bakerkells​ @lovemythsworld​ @rosegoldrichie​

Dating a celebrity came with its own struggles. You’d been with Machine Gun Kelly for almost a year now after meeting him through a mutual friend. It had all been surreal, you’d know this kid since high school and now he was playing guitar on stages with actual rockstars. He’d invited you to a recording session where he had introduced you to Kells.

It had been a rollercoaster after that, flying across the country to go on dates, sitting backstage at rock shows, getting to hang out with this generation’s greatest artists. You two had made it official after six months of the coolest dates you’d ever been on in your life. Honestly, half the time, you’d have preferred to sit on the couch and watching a shitty Netflix special, but you knew this was his lifestyle and you didn’t really mind. 

That was until the paparazzi started.There had been nights where both you and Kells had been fucked up, tripping on some kind of drug, trying to walk your way across the path to the Lyft you had ordered as people gathered around you shouting. Other days, you would be enjoying a bagel, laughing at Colson’s dumb jokes when a camera would come straight into your face, asking you about rumors. Once, you both had just left his house when three reporters had stopped you in your tracks, focusing their cameras on you as they started filming. Those days you would feel thrown into the spotlight, awkward in your skin, bees buzzing in your mind.

You had tried to get use to the ugly comments and the nasty posts that came with dating Colson. It was hard at first, trying not to search your name and see what came up. Sometimes you wouldn’t even have to search, people would tag your Instagram in posts, making fun of the way you looked on a certain night or criticizing your features. You didn’t really fit the criteria of being famous, a bit bigger than the models that usually walked around in LA, acne scars dotting your cheeks, frizzy hair usually flying around your head. 

In the beginning, it had gotten to you fast. People calling you talentless, spamming your comments with gold digger, theorizing on twitter that your relationship wasn’t real because why would Kells fuck with a girl like that? 

It had hurt, left you spiraling, spending days sitting next to Colson in the studio completely numb. You would just sit on the couch, scrolling through comments, trying not to let your insecurities get the best of you. The fans weren’t necessarily wrong, you didn’t have a special talent, you weren’t beautiful by any standards, and you had kinda just showed up out of nowhere. 

-

Sipping on the coffee Colson had bought you this morning, your eyes widened as you stopped at a particular comment. The user had typed it in all caps, screaming through the screen about your weight. It was on a picture Colson had taken of you, sitting in a bathtub, bubbles sitting on top of your head. You read the comment once, twice and then suddenly your phone was being taken out of your hands. 

“Baby, I asked if you wanted to go on a walk with me?” Colson repeated, looking down at you while loosely holding your phone in his hands. 

“Uhm, yeah,” you mumbled, reaching up to grab it.

“Nope, this is a no-phone walk,” he responded, turning around to put your phone down on the table. As soon as he lifted the screen up to his face, you grimaced knowing he was going to see the comment you’d been looking at for the past five minutes. 

“Wait, what the fuck,” he murmured, running his thumb over the screen. “Who the fuck wrote this,” he scoffed, turning back around towards you. 

“It’s not important. C’mon let’s go on this walk,” you responded, trying to smile as you got off the couch. 

“Nah, we’re not going anywhere till I find out who’s been talking shit about you online,” he said, plopping himself down on the couch. 

“Cols, it’s not that serious. I mean it, I don’t even read that shit,” you tried to distract him, extending your hand out to get him back up. 

He gave you a look over your phone screen, and you could see the anger brimming in his eyes. You sighed, sitting down next to him. You two weren’t going anywhere soon. 

Kicking off your shoes, you pulled your legs under you, shifting to face him. “I just get a couple of mean comments every now and then. People hate on things they can’t have, you know?” you tried to rationalize, watching him scroll through your comments. 

“Baby. These aren’t just a few. What the fuck, why didn’t you say anything,” he looked up straight at you, and you looked down at your lap trying to avoid eye contact. 

“Cause I mean they’re not wrong,” you muttered under your breath. 

“What?” he questioned, leaning down lower to catch your eyes again. 

“Nothing, what would have happened if I told you huh? You would have beat up the big, bad bullies? Newsflash, not everyone is going to just fucking love you,” you bit out, voice cracking as you tried to fight through the feeling in your throat. You didn’t want to cry, not here in his studio. 

He was quiet for a beat, then two and you bit your lip, knowing you had fucked this up. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that,” you mumbled out before continuing, “they’re just internet trolls. I’m really trying not to let it get to me. I’m trying hard, but some people are just mean and I can’t fix that.” 

He cleared his throat and then you could feel his arm wrapping around you, pulling you closer. You moved in, shifting so that you were pressed up against his side. Your head rested right around his shoulder, and he softly pulled at your hand. You could see your fingers shaking just a little and you were so tired of letting everything get to you, so you closed your eyes, letting your head fall back. His fingers intertwined with yours and you could feel him rubbing at your knuckles. 

“You’re fucking perfect. Everything I’ve ever wanted and needed in my life. There’s nobody else I’d rather be with,” he spoke into your ear. 

Your eyes were still closed, but you felt a blush rise on your cheeks as he continued. 

“All these flaws they comment on? I love them all. You’re just so real, realer than anyone I’ve met in this city.” 

You felt his fingers touch your chin, slightly tilting your face to see his. Opening your eyes, you saw the clarity in his blues. 

“I think I love you,” you blurted out, eyes widening when you realized what had just fell out of your mouth. He let out a little laugh, and you could feel yourself turning even more red, burning up. 

“C’mere,” he mumbled, squeezing your hips a little, pulling you even closer. He kissed you, hand resting on your warm cheek, stroking his thumb back and forth as you kissed back. The words sat unspoken between you. He wouldn’t say it yet, you knew it, but you could feel something loosely resembling love as he pushed into the kiss, breaking off only to kiss your forehead. 

“Why don’t we show these haters something,” he muttered, moving his hips up so that he could get his phone out of his back pocket. 

“Ayo, Rook, bring your ass here,” he shouted, and you heard a cymbal crash followed by the studio door opening. You laughed as Rook showed up, beanie skewed on his head. 

“Take a coupla picture of us,” Kells instructed, throwing his phone up in the air. Rook caught it and then you were being lifted onto Colson’s lap. 

“Hmm?” you whispered, as he placed both his hands on your hips. 

“Kiss me,” he responded back, smirking and you smiled. Kissing him softly, you cupped his face in your hands. You could hear the sound of Rook taking pictures in the background and you couldn’t help but laugh just a little as your lips met Colson’s. 

“Get a room fuckheads,” Rook shouted before lobbing the phone back your way. It hit the couch and you broke the kiss off, reaching for it. Before you could get it, Colson grabbed it, laughing as he looked at his camera gallery. 

“Holy shit, these are GOLD,” he barked out, swiping. 

“Lemme see,” you reached out your hand, trying to get a glimpse. 

“Nope, you just have to wait,” he winked as he opened up the Instagram app. A part of you tremored with the anxiety of it all, you got enough hate without being publicly posted on his social media, but another part of you was excited, knowing that no matter what you had Colson on your side. 

A minute later, he nudged your shoulder with your phone and smiled as you took it off his hands. Going on Instagram, you went to his profile. Laughing, you clicked on the picture he had posted. Your hands were on him, focused on kissing. One of his hands was wrapped around you, while the other flipped the camera off. The caption read, “None of y'all got anything on her.” 

You liked the photo before grinning at him. “You’re my knight in shining armor,” you said in a mocking tone, raising your hands to your chest, posing. 

“Well then princess, let’s go slay the dragon,” he responded before picking you up. 

“Colson, wait, my shoes,” you shouted, laughing as he brought you to the door. 

Everyone needed a little reassurance sometimes, and your goofy boyfriend knew exactly how to cheer you up. There was nothing better than this and your heart beamed at the pure love you felt from him. Flaws and all, you had something special here and you had never felt this happy before.

[cafedanslanuit]

Home || Jumin x MC - One shot

genre: angst, some fluff.

summary: You are staying at Jaehee’s after Jumin did something that made you really angry. While staying there, you start feeling sick and end up at the hospital. What you first thought was nothing to worry about, quickly turns into a nighmare that could change your relationship.

warnings: not graphic, but the story discusses blood and miscarriage

You weren’t really broken up.

Not really. Your things were still at the penthouse and you really weren’t planning on picking them up, but you were still mad at him. Until you could work those feelings out, the best way to avoid your boyfriend for a while. Thankfully, Jaehee had been kind enough to let you crash on her couch. It wasn’t really uncomfortable, but it smelt funny. You thought it was because of Jaehee’s habit of snacking while watching Zen’s musicals. Maybe there were some crumbles between the pillows, because every time you woke up, you were so disgusted by the smell it made your head twirl.

You loved Jumin. You really did, but you couldn’t help being so angry with him. You wanted you go to the penthouse, talk to him about what happened and fix things up, but you knew you couldn’t do this if you were still as angry and resentful as you were. You needed a couple of days away to melt down your rage and also to teach Jumin the weight of his actions.

That day, you were having breakfast on the kitchen table as you read some news on your Twitter feed. Jaehee had already gone to C&R, asking you if you wanted to send Jumin a message. You knew it wasn’t she didn’t want you there, but she had mentioned Jumin looked restless, more irritated and didn’t have the capacity to focus as much as he did before. You told her, yet again, you didn’t have anything to tell him. She nodded, pursing her lips and went to work.

When you finished eating breakfast, you decided to help a little by cleaning the house. You put on your headphones and started sweeping the living room. Just as you were almost done with it, a known song started playing, making you stop your movements to listen to it. Obviously Je Te Veux by Erik Satie had to come up on your playlist while you were trying your best at being mad with the man who had presented that song to you. 

“Fuck you, Jumin Han” you muttered as you started sweeping more angrily than before.

You knew he hadn’t meant to hurt you, but he had. You knew it was part of his work, but maybe it shouldn’t be anymore. Or maybe… maybe you could adapt to it? You didn’t know what was the right answer. And when you knew it, you would return to Jumin’s apartment, if he’d still have you. A knot formed on your throat. Yeah, he would take you back. You were sure.

Almost sure.

As you were done with sweeping, you started cleaning the bathroom. That was when you first felt wetness between your legs. You checked the date and realized it was your period. Thankfully, Jaehee’s bathroom was equipped with pads, so you had no problem with washing your panties and putting a pad on a fresh pair. You kept doing the cleaning, thankfully not having any cramps yet. Half an hour later, you went to the kitchen, where you started washing all the dishes and putting everything in its place. You went to the bathroom again and realized there was a medium sized blood clot resting on your pad. You furrowed your eyebrows. You hadn’t experienced anything like that before, well, at least not a clot that big. It was probably the size of your thumb. You changed pads again, also noticing you were having a heavier period than usual.

You went back to cleaning, but an hour after that, you went to the bathroom again to find yourself in the same situation. This time, you knew something was wrong. But you didn’t like the idea of going to a hospital. Yes, your period was definitely heavier than usual but that didn’t mean it was worth a hospital visit. You changed pads, trying not to notice the clot was bigger this time.

Half an hour later, your pad was fully damped again. You felt like calling Jaehee, but that would mean Jumin would have to know about her hospital visit and you didn’t feel like seeing him in that moment. Especially not in this vulnerable moment. You changed your pad again and stuffed some more in your purse. As you were leaving Jaehee’s apartment, you took out your phone and sent a voice message to Zen, avoiding using the RFA messenger app.

“Hey, I’m… I’m okay but I’m going to the hospital. I’m a little scared?” you laughed nervously, hopping on the elevator. “Uhm, I’m having… how should I put this?”

You forgot how awkward it was for you to talk about your period with someone else. And a part of you thought maybe Zen wasn’t the right person after all. He was, after all, someone who wanted to present himself like a knight in shining armor, waiting to rescue their princess. And princesses didn’t talk about period or blood clots.

But fuck it.

“I’m bleeding a lot heavier than usual. Like, a lot. And I’m scared, so I’m going to the emergency room. Just… please tell me everything’s fine?” you added in a small voice.

You sent the message and hopped on a cab. A few minutes later, you received a text that simply read: “Which hospital?”

----------

“I hate to say this, but maybe you should have gone to that clinic that is a partner of C&R” Zen muttered, letting out a sigh. “They would have called you earlier”

“I hate you for saying that as well” you replied, shifting on your seat.

It had been an hour and a half and you were still on the waiting room and of course, you were still bleeding. It wasn’t the best hospital in town, but you didn’t want to cause a scene in a hospital or clinic C&R had a relationship with. You didn’t want to take the chance of having someone call Jumin and let him know you were there. But you had already gone through two changes already and you were afraid you were going to stain your clothes. 

No, not really. The reason you were starting to freak out was because you knew what could be a cause of heavy bleeding. You didn’t want to think it was an option, but you knew there was a possibility it was a miscarriage. You swallowed thick, not wanting to entertain that option. You were young, even younger than Jumin, it didn’t make sense you were suddenly having a miscarriage. You weren’t even sure you had been pregnant. You couldn’t be-- your period wasn’t even late and you weren’t showing any symptoms of pregnancy, you would have noticed if you--

Suddenly, the memory of waking up to a smelly couch made you tense up. What if it really wasn't smelly? What if it was some sort of mild morning sickness? And maybe your bleeding was not actually your period, just an horrid coincidence on that day your body had decided to have a miscarriage. You felt your knee going up and down, not being able to do anything about it.

“MC” Zen insisted. “I can’t take this anymore, we need to go to St. Claire’s. I know it’s owned by C&R but there’s a reason the trust-fund kid always goes there, they treat him like royalty. And you’re whiter than when we first got here. I don’t know what’s going on with you but please, at least let a doctor see you. We need to get out of here” he insisted.

“No. They’re gonna call me any moment now”

“Fuck, MC…” Zen sighed, a hand going through his hair. “I don’t know what happened between you and Jumin, but this is your health that’s at stake. So, listen to me”.

Would Jumin take you back now that you were probably having a miscarriage? Would he blame her? Of course it-- it wasn’t her fault if that was the case but… how would he take it? Would he close himself, not letting her be a part of the grieving? Would he send her back, not wanting to be reminded of having lost his unborn child every time he looked at her?

You realized you were crying when you felt Zen taking your hand into his. You quickly wiped your face with the back of your hand, trying to hide how scared you actually were.

“Jumin, I’m with MC at the hospital downtown” you turned your head quickly at Zen’s voice and shook your head, trying to make him stop. “We’ve been waiting too long for a doctor, but…” you unsuccessfully tried to take away his phone. “Stop” Zen warned you. He went back to his phone call, “We’re going to St. Claire’s, tell them MC is on the way and she needs a doctor right now”.

Zen made a pause while you hid your face on your hands, hating how the situation had gone out of control. “Yes, send an ambulance. She’s not critical but she’s too weak for me to take her on my motorcycle”. Zen hung up his phone and helped her stand up, leaving the emergency room and heading towards the hospital entrance.

“Why would you do that?” you complained, taking your arm away from Zen, but still walking alongside him. “I told you I didn’t want him involved in this!”

“Look, babe, sorry but I wished you could look at yourself. You’re really pale, you’re losing more and more blood and while I hate that Jumin practically bought a clinic just so he didn’t have to wait, I don’t care if it means you’re getting that treatment too”.

You sighed and nodded, defeated. You were surprised you hadn’t felt dizzy or felt any sort of pain since all this nightmare had started. You just felt anxious about the possible miscarriage you could be having. 

Ten minutes later, an ambulance from St. Claire’s clinic arrived at the front of the hospital. You reluctantly entered the ambulance, the paramedics asking you thousand of questions and already connecting you to some machines to see how you were doing. Zen told you he was going to follow the ambulance with his motorcycle, only obtaining a nod as an answer from you.

You explained your situation to the paramedics, who asked you to lay down so you could rest until you arrived to the clinic. There was a woman who had the softest voice and assured you you were doing just fine, but they could see what was exactly the problem once you arrived to the clinic. She kept trying to engage in conversation with you, trying to ease your mind about everything.

“Is it… a miscarriage?” you asked in a soft voice. The woman pursed her lips and you felt yourself breaking a little.

“We don’t know yet. We’ll know once we get there, don’t worry” she said.

She kept talking, trying to ease you but you couldn’t listen anything further than they didn’t know if you was losing your child or not. You didn’t care about anything else.

Before you thought, the ambulance came to a stop and when they opened the doors, you recognized the two tall men standing in front on the ambulance, one with black hair the the other one with silver hair.

You escaped from Jumin’s gaze, but perfectly heard him questioning the paramedics what was wrong with you. You didn’t understand a lot of what they were saying, but you did get to hear “gynecorrhagia”. What a wonderful way to put a name to something just so they didn’t have to say they didn’t know what caused it.

The paramedics helped you sit on a wheelchair and you were rushed into the clinic. Not even a minute later, you were in front of the gynecologist office. You heard the nurse explain to Zen and Jumin that he was the head of the Gynecology Department, and that they were prepping the room for you. You heard your boyfriend make further questions but even though his tone was firm and stern, you could tell how his voice wavered just a bit on the end of his sentences. He was scared. Maybe because he also knew what it could mean?

“The doctor’s ready for you” you head the nurse say to you, making you snap your head to her direction, startled. You nodded and you felt her wheeling you to the office. You looked around, seeing you were in a small hall rather than an office. You were helped out of your chair and once again, you felt yourself completely wet with blood. The nurse guided you to a small bathroom and gave you a hospital robe, instructing you to change into it.

Once in the bathroom, you took the chance of cleaning yourself up before changing into the robe. You looked at yourself in the mirror and realized Zen was right: you were in fact very pale. You washed your hands thoroughly and got out of the bathroom, where the nurse was waiting for you.

“I’m scared of staining these” you confessed, following the nurse to another door, presumably the actual doctor’s office.

“Don’t be, please. You’re going through a hard time, don’t think about that. Besides, those are disposable” she explained with a soft smile. You smiled back. “Do you wish anyone to accompany you inside the office?” she asked, before opening the door.

In that situation, honestly you couldn’t think why it was even an option. There was only one person you wanted by your side in that moment.

When you entered the office, the doctor smiled warmly at you and showed you to the examination gurney. She started asking you questions about everything, her soothing voice calming your nerves. You heard a knock on the door and then the nurse’s voice announcing Jumin was there. Thanking the gurney was not in front of the door and you were covered from shoulders to knees, you turned your head towards the door, looking at an awkward Jumin standing there, waiting for an indication.

“Hey” you muttered softly. Jumin looked at you, and for the first time, you could see how scared he was. He was doing his best at trying to hide it, but the way his legs were shifting his weight and how he was incessantly twisting his own fingers gave him away. “Come here” you said, holding out a hand for him. He walked to you, standing on your side while the doctor turned on one of her machines and put on a pair of gloves. Jumin took your hand and you squeezed it, trying to calm both of you.

The doctor warned you, but you still felt some discomfort when you felt the head of the ultrasound scanner entering you. You saw some incomprehensible black and white figures on the screen, wondering if you were supposed to see something.

“Well, I don’t see anything” she commented, making you heart sink.

“I lost it?” you quickly asked, your voice breaking down. Your hold on Jumin’s hand tightened and so did his, but you couldn’t bear to look at him in the eye yet.

“Lost? No, don’t worry. You didn’t have a miscarriage. The blood they took from you on the ambulance shows you weren’t pregnant at all” she explained. You felt your soul return to your body and pulled Jumin’s hand in front of your mouth, pressing light kisses to the back of his hand, whispering soft nothings, almost like a thankful prayer.

“So why did she…?” Jumin asked, his voice more neutral now.

“It was probably an hormonal imbalance” the doctor said, removing carefully the scanner. “Right now I’m going to ask for some IV for her so the bleeding stops. Then we’re going to do an exam on her hormonal levels so we can recommend some medicine in case she needs it”.

“Just like that? She’s… okay? She’s been bleeding all morning” Jumin interfered. You knew he did it out of worry, like a part of him wanted to be entirely sure you were healthy.

“The woman’s body is full or mysteries, Mr. Han” the doctor commented. “I’ve seen this before. In most women’s, is a once in a lifetime scenario, and they never present that problem again. Some may not even need medicine on the long run, but I’m still going to order every exam I can think of so we make sure she’s completely fine” she assured him.

You turned around and looked at Jumin, who still didn’t look convinced.

“Jumin” you said, his eyes looking right into yours. “I’m okay. You can rest now”. He pressed a kiss on the top of your forehead while you kissed his hand again. You felt incredibly happy to have him by your side, knowing you hadn’t lost anything and neither of you were going through that kind of pain.

The doctor excused herself, leaving the room as she gave the nurse some instructions you thought were about the IV she had mentioned.

“When the IV’s done… I want to come back to the penthouse” you said softly, looking at Jumin’s hand. You felt him chuckle and softly moved your chin so you could look at him. God, why did he have to look so handsome?

“Yes, of course. We’ll return home after this”

You felt your cheeks heating at the thought of the penthouse being ‘home’ for both of them.

“But…” you started. You smile on Jumin’s face wavered a little, but still let you continue. “I still don’t like when those women flirt at you. I know it’s part of your job and I know it’s not like you flirt with them, but it still hurt when I saw that woman with her hand on your arm, trying to gain something”

“I used to do that. A lot, I… I always let women invested in the corporate world to flirt with me when there was something for C&R to gain. I would, at best, use some gentleman mannerisms to keep that going. But I don’t think that’s something I want to keep doing” Jumin stated. He brought closer both of your hands and kissed the back of your hand, making you smile. “I’ve already told you I want to marry you. I agreed to your request about waiting at least a year before I officially ask you, but I can’t see how I would change my mind. With each day that goes by, I am only reassured with my desire to make you my wife. But I didn’t take your feelings into consideration with the way I used to run deals. I like to believe I’ve made my work known in C&R enough to stop using antique ways to make deals go through instead of trusting my negotiating abilities. MC, I can promise I won’t do that again”.

“Thank you” you smiled. “Now, please kiss me”

Jumin didn’t wait long before bending down and kissing you softly on the lips. Not being able to kiss that man for almost two weeks was definitely torture, not something you’d ever want to be without again. You were five months into the year you had asked Jumin to wait, but if he kept being such an extraordinary man like this, you were seriously thinking about cutting that time in half.

Once he stood up again, you noticed a playful smile on his lips.

“Now that you mention it, you called Zen before calling me?” he asked, arching one eyebrow.

“Hey, want me to go back to Jaehee’s?” you threatened playfully, making him chuckle.

The nurse returned to the room and helped you stand up, giving you a fresh robe for you to change.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

“Better” you admitted. You looked back at Jumin and smiled. “But right now I just want to go home”.

[imagining-supernatural]

The MET Date

Part 20 of Seventy Percent

Series Summary: When you left on your trip to Vegas, you’d planned on letting loose for one last weekend before heading back to reality and getting your affairs in order so your best friend wouldn’t be left cleaning up your mess when your cancer finally ended your life. What you hadn’t counted on was waking up married to a celebrity who has a knight-in-shining-armor complex, connections with an oncologist, and amazing insurance…

Chapter Summary:  You and Seb have a date. Like a date-date!!

Word Count: 2,258

“I’ve lived here for over a month, you know,” you pointed out on Saturday morning.

Sean pulled to a stop at a red light and tossed you a confused look in the rear view window. “Yeah. I’ve been driving you for over a month.”

“And you’ve been living in my apartment,” Seb pointed out. “What’s that got to do with anything?”

“It means,” you said, “That I know New York pretty well.”

“Ah.” Sebastian settled back into the seat. “You think you know where we’re going.”

From the front seat, Sean laughed, making you glare at him. “You never pay attention to where we are. I could kidnap you and you wouldn’t know until we passed a Welcome to New Jersey sign.”

“So if you kidnap me, you’ll head towards Jersey. Seb, take notes so you can tell the police where to look if I go missing.”

“Noted. Anyway. Back to the original conversation. You think you know where we’re going?”

Sebastian turned in his seat to face you and waited for your answer with an amused look.

“We’re… well, we’re headed towards the hospital.” That much you knew. But you were sure Seb’s date idea didn’t include the building where you spent most of your time. In the last month or so, you’d only been to the hospital, the apartment, the diner, and Broadway that one time.

Of course you had no idea where you were going. But it annoyed you that you neither man would tell you where you were going.

Surprises were never high on your list of things you liked.

“You’re not wrong about that,” Seb said. “But that’s not where we’re going.”

Alright. So you’re headed to Washington Heights… What things were near the hospital that you’d seen? There was a BBQ place you’d been wanting to try. But Seb said there would be walking…

“Oh god. You’re not taking me to Planet Fitness, are you?” Laughter from both men filled the car and you got defensive. “What? You’ve threatened to make me go to a gym someday.”

“Yeah, once you’ve recovered from a successful surgery. Babe, you can barely walk up two flights of stairs.”

You were not about to tell him that you were winded after two flights of stairs before you found out you had cancer. “Okay, so if the walking we’re doing today isn’t at a gym, where is it? Central Park? If this is your way of telling me I’m a shut-in who needs Vitamin-D, I can talk to Dr. Chowdhury and have him suggest a multi-vitamin or something. I mean, I definitely wanna see Central Park, but it’s huge. Like, if you have a plan to, like, have one of those bike carriages or something for us, I can see that. But—”

“Hey, hey, hey. You’re blabbing like you were doing when we woke up in Vegas.”

“Blabbing? Excuse me, Mr. Stan. I am sharing my opinion.”

“Well, Mrs. Stan, you sure are doing it in a blabbing way.”

“I—” am being way too defensive. Sebastian didn’t know about everything in your past. He didn’t know why you hated surprises. He was doing something nice for you and it was time you started getting past your hangups. “Sorry. Yeah. I am. I just don’t like surprises. I like to know things, you know?”

“So you know how to protect them. I know, Y/N.” Sebastian took your hand and gave you a soft smile that damn near sent you into cardiac arrest. “Why don’t you just trust that I know enough and can protect you today? You’ve leaned on me for dealing with the press. Lean on me for today, okay?”

You let out a deep breath, trying to relax. “If we’re doing enough walking today, I don’t think I’ll have much of a choice but to lean on you. You might even have to carry me.”

“I give a hell of a piggy back ride.”

This time it was your laughter filling the car. “I’m definitely going to have to take you up on that.”

The car pulled to a stop and you jerked out of the tunnel-vision conversation you’d been having with Seb to look out the window.

“This is the Met,” you stated, trying to think of how Sebastian would know that this was your number one place you wanted to visit. “The Metropolitan Museum of Art.”

“Yeah,” Seb had that stupidly soft smile on his face as he took in your reaction.

“I… Wait. I told you the first day we were here I-I-I wanted to come. Like, in passing. How the hell did you remember?”

Rather than answer your question, he asked one of his own. “Think you can handle walking here?”

“Uh, yeah. Definitely.”

He grinned and squeezed your hand once before letting go. “I know you’re all independent and shit, but you’re going to sit in this car and wait for me to come around and open your door, okay?”

“Oh wait,” you pretended to be shocked. “Is this, like, a date-date?”

“Oh, shut up.” He playfully shoved your shoulder before getting out of the car. Before shutting his door, he leaned down. “You stay put.”

He waited until you held your hands up to prove you weren’t going to move before shutting the door and heading around the car.

Sean slung his arm over the back of his seat and looked at you with a smirk. “Wasn’t it just last week you were trying to convince me that Sebastian wasn’t really your man? Huh, Mrs. Stan?”

“You,” you said bluntly, “Shut your damn mouth.”

He chuckled and raised his hands in surrender. “I’m, just saying… babe.”

“I don’t pay you for this abuse.”

“Your man is the one who pays me.”

Your door opened and you shot Sean one last warning look before taking Seb’s hand and climbing out of the car.

“Have fun you crazy kids!” Sean yelled just before Sebastian closed the door.

As Sean pulled away from the curb, Sebastian gripped your hand tight in his and started walking towards the impressive building.

For the first time since you woke up next to Seb back in Nevada, you weren’t worried about being out in public with him. For the first time, you were looking forward to spending a day out of the apartment with him.

“You know, I saw that interview you did,” you said hours later as you wandered the Arts of Africa, Oceania, and the Americas exhibit. “The one where you’d told your mom that you were in Black Panther, but she left before the end credits scene where you actually were.”

“Yeah?”

“I like that story. These masks just reminded me of the scene where Killmonger steals the African mask. Also, I’m blaming you that I can’t think of a Marvel movie without thinking of some sort of connection to you. Even the movies you technically weren’t in.”

His arm tightened around your waist and he kissed your head. “Risks of being married to me.”

“It’s a pretty good risk if you ask me.” You tilted your head up to look at him. “And the perks are pretty good too. I mean, I’m standing in the Met. Something I’ve always wanted to do. Because of you.”

His lips pressed to your forehead. Against your skin, he murmured, “My pleasure. Now let’s go find somewhere to sit down for a bit.”

“Please.” You hated to admit it, but you were almost ready to pack it up and head back home. You hadn’t even seen a quarter of the museum yet.

You decided to lunch at the café in the European Sculpture section, which gave you enough energy to tackle the Modern and Contemporary Art corner.

Half an hour later, you came out of your ‘Sebastian Bubble’ enough to notice some girls whispering a few exhibits away. They kept glancing your way. In such a good mood, you elbowed Seb and nodded towards them. “Looks like some of your fans are here.”

“They’ve been following us for the last ten minutes. Are you just noticing them now?”

“Hey. I’m focused on the art. One-track mind. You know me. Anyway, they probably want a picture with you or something.”

He nodded, considering. “You cool with that? I mean, today’s supposed to be you and me.”

“Yeah, it’s cool. I’ll take the picture. You know those girls will be kicking themselves for weeks if they pass up this chance to meet you. I was once a young teenage girl in love with the Jonas Brothers.”

“Jonas Brothers?” Sebastian gripped his hand over his heart dramatically, groaning. “Geez, woman, you keep saying things that make me feel so old.”

“C’mon, Old Man. Let’s go make those girls’ day.”

As soon as the girls realized you were walking their way, they started tittering excitedly. Their excitement turned to apologies for interrupting your day, but you quickly brushed aside their concerns.

“Hey, don’t apologize. Trust me, if we ran into Kelly Clarkson, it’d be Seb taking my picture with her.”

Between their excitement, random questions, and small talk, you spent a good five minutes with the girls before parting ways. Fully aware that they were still watching you as you walked away, you felt slightly self-conscious when Sebastian pulled you into his side, but you were fast to ignore that feeling. Their attention wasn’t vicious, like the press’s attention was.

“You know they’re going to post those pictures all over their Twitter accounts and stuff, right?”

With a shrug, you replied. “Yeah. But it’s fine. They just want to share. They’re not looking for a paycheck. They’re just excited. It’s different.”

“It’ll probably entice the media to start up again.”

“We’ll deal with it. Did you see how happy those girls were? I don’t see much of that in the hospital. It felt good.”

“Mmm, maybe you do need some of that Vitamin-D, you ol’ shut-in.”

It had been a long time since you’d woken up hearing Jasmin’s voice. For a moment, you just laid there, curled up with Sebastian and wondered if you were dreaming. It took you a few seconds to open your eyes, and when you did, you were even more confused.

“Why are you Skyping on my phone?”

“She’s awake!” Jasmin sang, grinning at you as you blinked, trying to wake up.

Seb pulled the phone back enough to capture both of you in the frame. “She was calling and I figured why not.”

“Mmm, I wish I could have seen your face when Seb popped up on your screen instead of me.”

He laughed. “It was pretty great.”

“Look, when I was calling to see if you knew about the tweets, I was not expecting Sebastian Fucking Stan to answer.”

“Not my middle name,” he mumbled teasingly, earning him a nudge from your leg to his.

You were feeling awake enough to finally sit up, so the two of you took a minute to re-situate and you ignored the bright look in Jasmin’s eyes. She and Sean were the worst. Sure, napping together and teasing each other like you and Seb did definitely cross the lines of just friendship, but those two were so damn into teasing you about it.

So you herded off any comments by taking charge of the conversation. “What tweets? Oh! Did those girls post something?”

“Yeah,” Seb started clicking around on your phone, but you quickly took over since he seemed intent on keeping one arm around you and he was definitely not the best at one-handed phone usage. “She texted a screenshot to you.”

“Because both of you are living in the stone age and don’t have Twitter accounts. Seriously, you guys.”

You could only see her in a corner of your phone, now that you were out of the Skype app, so you didn’t really see her reaction when you stuck your tongue out at her.

“Here we go,” you muttered under your breath, waiting for your phone to load the picture.

It finally pulled up the post. Of the few pictures you’d taken, the girl had chosen her favorite and posted it with the caption:

Met Sebastian Stan at the Met today! DREAM COME TRUE! #stillfangirling

“See?” you said to Seb, turning to him with a smile. “You made her damn day.”

He nodded toward your phone. “Look at the first picture Jaz sent.”

“Is it a post from the other girl?” you wondered aloud as you clicked back.

“No. Actually, the girls found me again while you were in the bathroom and asked if they could post this one.”

Your brow furled. Why would they have to ask permission to post a fan picture? You’d taken those pictures for them.

Then you saw it and understood.

It was a picture the same girl had posted on Instagram of you and Seb, taken from a few feet away. You were facing away from the camera, looking at an exhibit. His arm was securely around your waist with his head turned just enough to be kissing your hair. Without the caption, it could have been anyone in the picture.

11-2-2019 Sebastian Stan and Y/N Y/L/N at the Met. They are both so unbelievably nice and thoughtful. Shandra and I weren’t expecting them to come over to say hi and take pictures with us. Between Sebastian filming and Y/N’s cancer treatment, I’m sure they don’t have much time together, but she made sure we got our pictures anyway! All those articles twisting around her past to make her into some sort of monster can go screw themselves! Unless you’re Kelly Clarkson, you can leave her alone! #shesafan #saidsoherself #cancersucks #prayingforY/N

You hadn’t expected the girls to say anything about you. Beside Sebastian, you were practically invisible, which was always fine with you.

But reading those words brought a smile to your face.

All that fluff!! And an actual date!! Can things get any better than this??

CHAPTER 21: THE FOURTH CHECK-IN

[borhap-au]

Joe Mazzello: the fluffy chronicles.

Comforting Joe. 

It’s been troubling two years for Joe, since his dad – his hero, his best friend, his role model, passed away. He still sometimes caught himself wanting to call him in times of trouble, and only when he couldn’t find his dad’s number on his contact list had he realized he will never be able to call him again. On daily basis Joe was caught up in other things, too busy for too much thinking, but around the time of his dad’s birthday or the anniversary of his passing, the thoughts come back again. You never dismissed his troubles, always let him cry on your shoulder, talked with him long hours about it if necessary. He confided in you, not scared of letting you know about any of his little secrets. You were generally someone who was able to lift him up, but those current times were really troubling for him. Not only did he lose his dad, but also in times of the pandemic the entire movie industry shut down, with him not being able to find a job. He didn’t star in any movie for two years, and it was hanging over his head, because he wanted to be able to provide for his family that he wanted to start with you. From all the troubles in his personal life and his career, he has experienced a writing block, not being able to write or edit any of the scrips for his future movies. Once, while checking his Twitter, he came across a thread of people hating on him, and that broke him a little. He didn’t talk much, he was rather quiet and wanted to spend more time alone. You let that go for a few days, hoping he will open up to you when he will be ready for it. Unfortunately that didn’t happen, so you decided to come to him and ask him directly about his troubles. He was hesitant at first, but then decided to let you know what was going on. It started off as usually, with him telling you how much he missed his dad.

“And you know, I should visit my mom more often. I don’t want to miss any moments with her, I’m done playing the adult role in my life, I’m done pretending I don’t need my parents and their guidance from time to time. I wanted everyone to see how independent I was, how I could handle everything on my own, and because of that I missed some of the very important moments with my dad. I should’ve visited him all the time when everything was still good,” he muttered quietly and laid his head on your legs, and you softly pet his head and shoulder. You understood him. You also lost a family member and you knew very well how that regret creeps in from time to time. At the same time you were very proud of Joe, for being able to talk about his loss, for the fact that he didn’t close it all in, and also that he let the entire world know how amazing his father was, in his posts on social media. Not many people were able to talk about their loss with such honesty. Moreover, you supported his charity work, also inspired by his father.

“So we will. We will visit her on the weekend, okay? And any time you need it,” you smiled and he looked at you. He reached his hand to your face and pet your cheek, smiling slightly. He felt your support and that was very important to him, especially in those moments.

“Are you sure about this? Those trips may be boring for you, I know you’re not really in for family meetings…” you shook your head, confirming what you’ve said before.

“Whenever you need me, I’ll go there with you. I like our little road trips,” you took his hand and laced your fingers. He pet your hand with his thumb.

“I’m happy to hear that then. I like when you go there with me. I hate not having you close. I always miss you. A lot,” you smiled, but before you could add anything, he continued. “But I also don’t want this to be a responsibility for you. We should both enjoy it equally.”

“I like going there with you. I like your mom. And I like to spend the nights in your old bedroom,” you smirked, letting him know what exactly you meant by that, also reminding him of a few very nice moments. He smiled as well, especially since you reassured him about certain things. “Even if you went alone, I’d follow you. I hate when you’re not around. Especially at night. I need to have your arm around me to feel safe, even at home,” he knew what you meant, because he also hated when he went to sleep and you weren’t there.

“Sounds like you love me,” he gave you a little smile and you immediately nodded.

“Of course I love you. With all my heart,” after all, you knew each other for a while and you were even planning the future together. Your feelings towards him didn’t change, if anything, you loved him more than before.

“Even though I’m a loser without a job?” after hearing that, you immediately hugged him tightly.

“You’re not a loser. And you have a job, your job is acting. We are just in a middle of a worldwide pandemic. Once it’s all over, you will have the Duck movie, and many more,” you smiled to him and quickly added. “And if they don’t consider you for the next Jurassic movie, I will sue those motherfuckers,” you joked and he immediately chuckled, because it was too funny for him how innocent you sounded while cursing. While he was still laughing, you continued.

“You’re one of my favorite actors, but not because I’m biased. You have a great range. From dramatic roles to comedy, you’ve nailed everything I’ve seen you in. And you’re a director too! Not to mention you write awesome scripts. If you want to, we can later do some brainstorming, maybe we will come up with another wonderful piece such as Undrafted.” He smiled when you mentioned that. He was really happy to hear that you enjoyed his movies, after all, he decided it’s you that he wants to impress for the rest of his life.

“You’re a blessing, you know? You’re amazing and gorgeous,” he smiled, petting your cheek. You chuckled quietly, because in your opinion, it was way too far-fetched to call you all those things. But he believed differently. “You make me feel better, not only about all of this, but also about myself. Seeing you always makes me think: how did I get so lucky to have you all to myself? And then I start thinking that maybe all the flaws I see in myself, maybe they don’t really matter to you. And that’s a very important thing to notice. That something that to me is a big problem, something that I believe is too visible for anyone not to notice, the same thing for you is either too small to be a problem, or not noticeable at all. It always makes me feel better.”

It was really everything you needed to hear. It was your goal to be your boyfriend’s biggest supporter, not only in a way that would be visible to others, but also to him. You wanted him to feel appreciated and loved in the relationship. You wanted to always lift him up, instead of putting him down. Life was already miserable enough in itself, and you wanted to be able to bring happiness into the life of your biggest source of joy, your man, Joey.

“As an actor,” he continued, “I am aware of every little part of my body that may not appear flattering on screen. That’s also why I turned to comedy, because it doesn’t matter how you look like on screen as long as you make others laugh. But around you, I feel like I could be right there on screen alongside all those Pitts and Goslings, and compete with them, and even win. Of course that will never happen, but I just wanted to put into words the things you make me feel,” he smiled, sat up and kissed you softly. You put your hand on his cheek, kissing him back.

“In my heart, you’ll always win with them. I don’t care about any Pitts, Goslings or anyone else, as long as I have my Mazzello. To me, you’re amazing, and handsome, and overall attractive. You’re my supermodel, my Oscar-winning actor and director, in my mind, you deserve everything that’s the best in the world, because you make my life better. And not only mine. You read all of those messages from girls telling you how much they love your movies, your comedy, your YouTube channel. You to them are what Brad Pitt is to others. Not everyone has the same taste, and to some of them, you are the perfect man. I know you are to me. You’re funny and you care about others. I don’t know what can be more attractive than a good heart. Not to mention, you really step out of your comfort zone to make others laugh. You’re such a dork sometimes. God, I love you for it,” you chuckled and you both instinctively hugged each other. There was no place better than right there, in his arms.

“You like my comedy?” he muttered, petting your back. You smiled and kissed his shoulder.

“I love it. Anytime I hear you have an idea for a new YouTube video, I literally want to see it right there and then, even if you haven’t finished it yet. I just love every single one of your projects, no matter how small. And that one video, in which you told us it was okay to make fun of you or even insult you, as long as it will make it easier for us to get through quarantine? That was so selfless and amazing, I had tears in my eyes just watching it. You’re my love, my idol, my hero, my everything, Joey. I hope you feel it every day.”

“Oh, I’m your hero now, huh? Good to know, will annoy you with that for the rest of your life,” he joked, because he didn’t really know how to respond to that. It was beautiful and overwhelming to him, but he felt happy after hearing that. You could see it in his eyes. “And since I’m a hero, then you must be my princess,” you nodded when he said that, because you always loved the pet names he had for you.

“And I can promise you, my knight in shining armor, my prince charming…”

“Your king…”

“Let’s not go that far,” you both laughed. “I promise you that everything will be okay, as long as we have each other. I’m here for you and I always will be. I swear.”

“Thank you for it. I love you, Princess,” he pet your cheek, smiling.

“I love you too…”

“King.”

“No,” once again you chuckled, and you knew that when Joe was able to crack jokes like that all the time, everything will be alright.

[veleno-fiore]

To the ex-best friend

I write this more for myself than anything, because I blocked you on everything that I ever had you linked to. My tumblr, facebook, twitter, instagram, even in my phone. But sometimes I wonder if you would ever look at my posts to see if I was doing fine if I didn’t have you blocked.  I wonder because sometimes I want to do the same for you. But I know it would only bring pain on myself even more and I don’t want to mourn a single thought of you any longer. 

I understand now what it means to pretend someone is dead, rather than moved on to something else. Did you do the same for us? Or do you still shove our names in the mud, to better shine on your own? Portray us as the villains in the story, and you the polished white knight in stainless steel armor when really all that means if everyone else’s reflection on you is your own facade? 

I can say honestly that I don’t experience a sense of betrayal often. Not since maybe middle school. I learned after being bullied for so long to keep my friends close and few in numbers. I believed after all the hardship I had been through, how my mind and heart began to learn how to sift through the weeds to find the good ones, that I had become a good judgement of character. I’m happy to say most of my friendships never turned into bitter and hateful break ups. 

Most. Not all. You were the one that broke the streak of good ones. 

See, most of my friends that I no longer speak to before don’t manipulate the way you did. Most just fade, drift to pursue their own passions and careers in their lives. I can understand that because I have done the same and faded away from some of my own best friends. But it’s never a bitterness that I taste on my tongue when their names cross my minds. It’s nostalgic, fondness, and good memories that come to mind. 

Your memories have now been tainted, sour and bitter and only make me recoil in disgust and agony like a poisoned polished knife that I lovingly crafted for you was thrust right into my heart the second I placed it in your hands. 

Friendship and trust is very much that. You spend years, forging a blade of the finest steel over the hearth. Your hands become calloused, you spend so much time working out all the little bumps and imperfection until it is smooth and brings a smile to your face because for once YES you have made something that you are truly proud of that you put all your heart into it. 

Then, you give it away. You lay that beautiful knife in another’s hands, a gift that you put all your soul into creating. I can say I’ve done this with a few people in my life that I would trust them with my darkest of secrets. 

I hold their knives in turn, and I protect them with it and wield them in their defense. There are three, and they know who they are.

I gave you one too. I thought, “surely after 10 years of holding this knife, I can trust them with anything.” I believe you may have given me yours as well. You’ve certainly told me things that seemed personal enough that you would never want them told anywhere else. Lord knows I’ve poured enough of my soul into it, I would think you’d have a similar trust in me. 

But I’m not so sure. Because after 10 years, things began to change. You grew tarnished, bitter. But it wasn’t a sudden change in that. You’ve always had a rusted edge to you, quick to lash out at anything and anyone. There were no grey areas to you, it was always they were wrong and you were right. And if they were wrong, they deserved to burn. 

But this time, it was towards us. To anything we said. It had begun to feel as if even among you, where once I thought it was as easy as walking through a field of soft grass it had turned sharpened like jagged stones in the bottom of a volcano. Each moment hurt and threatened to carve us open.  They had begun to grow weary. I can’t blame them. But I’m stubborn, and did my best to walk through the fire and embers that burned away at me. 

But it only grew hotter and burned and scorned me with every step. 

Do you know the most foolish thing I have ever done? Each time you would erupt and disappear, I would be the one walking through lava to bring the fire back to us again. I pursued you each time, to try to patch this friendship up, even if we weren’t in the wrong. We would stand in the fire, and the fire would never cool. 

There were never apologies. You would continue to burn us and I forced us to stand there and endure like nothing was wrong. 

And for that, I’m sorry to my two that I forced that onto you. Maybe this could have ended much sooner than it did if I wasn’t so firmly set in my belief that everything could be solved with communication. 

I didn’t realize until it was too late that I was slicing my own hands with the dagger I trusted to you. 

In the end, what sparked the final crack was something that feels so minor and petty. But, you left. And for once, I did not follow after you. I decided, “if they want to come back, they’ll come back. Let’s leave them be.” Granted, that was after the initial attempt to tell you as you screamed that they hated you that they didn’t. And you told me you didn’t want to talk about it. Not to me, not to anyone. 

So, I did as you requested. I left you alone. And I stayed true to that. We all did. 

Three. Weeks. 

After three weeks, you began to stab at us. Laying vague messages all over, even going so far as to threaten a false lawsuit at us. I wish I could say I was being poetic there, but no that actually happened. You began to stab at our backs that were turned to give you your requested time of silence. 

That’s what made the spark turn into an eruption. 

My two were done, instantly. They cut ties immediately with you, screaming into the night out of well-deserved frustration and anger over your actions. 

I handled my pain differently. I mourned. I sobbed. I cried so hard through the night I hardly slept and felt so much pain in my chest I felt hollow inside. My dagger that I had spent so much of my time and energy and love into making for you was plunged right into my chest by your hand, and it hurt. 

Then, we met others. Others that you had hurt in the past. As much as I didn’t want to believe at that moment that you were a bad person--even with the dagger still piercing my chest--they knew things about you that no one else would besides us. 

It was the final straw. And where originally the idea was to absolutely ruin you, we stopped. We cooled down. All three of us began to mourn and only wanted to move on. It was clear there was no salvaging anything, but if there was some way just to get some sort of closure on it all, then that would suffice. 

So, I took the plunge to contact you. I didn’t want to discuss with you, only tell you to unblock him so HE could talk to you. 

And the first thing you say to me? 

“Three weeks. Is it for more insults or cussing out? He can save both. As you can.” 

No one “cussed you out”. Your definition of cussing someone out is CALLING them out on what they’ve done. 

I ask you why you’re getting pissed at me, when I’ve done nothing to you. I have stayed radio silent on this entire matter on every account I own. 

You say, “You’ve all had three weeks to talk to me.” And then you proceed to give me a message to relay to everyone else because, “I expect you to.” 

And then, at that moment, I was done. I reached up, gripped the dagger you thrust into my chest, and ripped it out and all my frustration and anger from 10 years of silence poured onto you like a tsunami meets a volcanic fire. 

I yelled, screamed, and said everything that was on my mind. How YOU had the chance to change everything. How YOU had the ability to message us first. How YOU were the one that blocked us. How YOU were the one that asked for silence. How it was ME that would always try to pick the pieces up again. How it was ME that would try to put all of us back into the same room and try to patch it all like we weren’t just in WWIII. How YOU were the one who was silent too in this entire endeavor. 

And then, I was done. I was bleeding as I took the steps I needed to make to heal myself. I blocked you on everything I could think of. I deleted you from my phone contacts. 

But, I forgot to block you there for a moment. 

And you texted me.  “Okay. Sorry it had to come to this. Love you.” 

Did you ever really love me? 

So at times like this, when my mind comes to you and wonders, “did they ever mourn the loss of me? Of 10 years of friendship that we shared?” 

I remind myself that it doesn’t matter. Because this tie was broken a long time ago, with the first scars you laid on me. 

I was the one who held out my hands for you to cut. 

Now, I am the one taking it back. 

[bilgesnipebitch]

BkDk Flower Exchange

Title: Humility

Author: @bilgesnipebitch

Ship: Katsuki Bakugou x Izuku Midoriya (aged up pro heroes)

Prompt: Hydrangea (symbolizes pride and apology)

Warnings: male x male, kinda angst and fluff?, a bit of swearing, some injury and fighting at the beginning

Giftee: Dukes (bakudekudukes on twitter)

Word Count: 2,152

Hope you like it, Dukes!! And thank you @bakudekuflowerexchange for hosting this great event!

He let out a cry of pain that rang through the heavy night air. It made my stomach churn, but I just couldn’t leave. I had to hold the front line. I had to keep them from reaching the warehouse. I had to trust Deku. A loud crack soon followed, and I dreaded all the possibilities of what it could have been. I gritted my teeth, resolve wearing thin.

Trust Deku. It’s alright. He can take care of himself.

Another heart-wrenching scream.

That’s it, I can’t take it anymore.

I ran as fast as I could into the rickety old building, ignoring the protests and cries of the other heroes still holding the front line.

“Deku!” I cried, examining the scene before me.

There he stood, toe to toe with the villain, a bit worse for the wear, but determined as ever.

“Kacchan! What on earth are you doing?” he cried.

The villain took advantage of Izuku’s distractedness and knocked him back a good few feet.

“I’m here to help you, dumbass!” I entered the fray, standing between Izuku and the giant, grotesque thing that could hardly be called a person at this point.

“I told you I can take care of this myself! Why aren’t you helping the others?”

I opened my mouth to answer when I suddenly found myself flung sideways into the far wall of the building. My heart immediately dropped into my stomach as I realized whatever it was came from outside the warehouse’s open doors.

Shit. The villains got through.

“Master, it’s time to go!” one of the villains held out a hand to the beast of a man, and before we could make sense of what was happening, the entire legion was gone. Every last person.

“Damn it, Ground Zero!” I heard a hero cry from outside.

He stomped toward me, fury burning in his eyes, and favoring a limp, bloodied arm.

I heaved myself onto my feet, ready to give this man a piece of my mind, when Izuku wedged himself between us, “Listen, I’m really sorry, but–”

“No, you’ve made enough excuses for Ground Zero,” the hero pushed Izuku aside, eyes still fixed with mine. “But this is the final straw. We won’t tolerate this kind of behavior anymore, newbie.”

I clenched my fists so hard they must have gone white, desperately resisting the urge to punch this loser’s nose in.

“Oh yeah? And–” Izuku quickly clasped his hand over my mouth and looked up at me with those big sad eyes, silently begging me not to get myself in any more trouble.

I finally relented, ripping his hand off me and walking away with a scoff.

We eventually got back to the agency and took off all our gear, showered, etc. Izuku might not have shown it in front of the other heroes, but I could tell he was not at all pleased with me either. It was strange and honestly heartbreaking to see him acting so coldly. We were walking to the train station together when I finally decided to speak up about the incident.

“So, that warehouse...”

“Not now, Kacchan.”

My heart writhed in my chest, and I didn’t dare speak about it again the rest of the train ride home.

At the apartment, we both went through our usual nightly routines in complete silence, and every second of it weighed my heart down until I could’ve sworn I could feel it beating away in the soles of my feet.

“Deku, just say something damn it!” I snapped at the green-haired man, who only looked at me with a vague sense of disappointment.

“What is there to say?”

“I– I don’t know. Anything. Are you seriously still mad about the warehouse?”

Izuku scoffed and shook his head, “I can’t believe you.”

I blinked at him and knitted my brows, “so you are?”

“Yes, Katsuki! I’m still mad about the warehouse!”

Katsuki. I hadn’t heard him use that name in––well––since we were little kids. My heart felt like it had shattered into a million pieces right then and there.

“But you needed my help. You’re lucky I intervened, or–”

“No I didn’t! I was perfectly fine without you!” I had never imagined just how disarming Izuku raising his voice could be.

“You abandoned the other heroes holding back the villains from the warehouse! We needed their leader alive! You knew that if the one with a teleportation quirk got a hold of their leader, we would all be done for! But you just couldn’t see over that huge ego of yours, huh? You always have to play the knight in shining armor and save the day!”

“I–”

“You what? Ran out of excuses? God, you’re so frustrating sometimes!”

“Deku, listen–” I growled.

“Don’t you ‘Deku’ me, I stand up for you every single time you let your massive ego take control because I know you’re a good person deep down, and I know you can change, but honestly, I don’t know what to do with you anymore! If you keep this up, they’re going to kick us both out of the agency!”

I opened my mouth, but not a single word that ran through my head seemed to be right.

“You know what, I’m going to bed. You can tell me your excuse in the morning,” Izuku sighed and walked off into the bedroom.

I could hardly believe what had just happened, but the more I dwelled on it, the more I felt my eyes begin to well up painfully.

Without another word, I stormed out the door, furiously wiping at my eyes. I could feel all the anger and pain inside of me, swirling and melding and starting to froth up into an all-too-familiar rage.

“I was helping him. He could’ve been killed without me there. It’s not my fault those other heroes couldn’t hold the villains back,” I muttered.

But then that miserable little voice in the back of my mind came rearing its ugly head like it always does.

You didn’t help at all. The mission failed all because of you. You’re pathetic. Worthless.

“No I’m not,” I growled under my breath.

Yes you are. And even your own boyfriend hates you now. Maybe it would be better if you just–

“SHUT UP,” I howled and let out an involuntary explosion from my palm.

I heard one of our neighbors cautiously peek out his door behind me, but I didn’t bother looking. I just hurried down the stairs and out of the building, hoping a little fresh air would help me clear my thoughts. The night sky was pale, though I couldn’t see whether the sun was peeking over the horizon quite yet. It had been a long night, that’s for sure, though strangely enough, I didn’t feel tired at all. Frustrated, yes. Heartbroken? Absolutely. It was probably just all the adrenaline in my system.

I trudged along the empty street, hands buried deep in my pockets, when I heard some shuffling and a delicate ringing up ahead. Looking up from the dreary pavement, my eyes found a vibrant medley of colors and a small, silver-haired woman crouched and arranging it with care.

“Oh, hello there! What are you doing out so early?” She smiled warmly at me, standing up with an ornate, blue flower in hand.

“Just... clearing my head,” I said flatly.

She nodded pensively for a second before it looked like she remembered something, “Say, you wouldn’t have anywhere in particular to be right now, would you?”

I shook my head, and the lady’s face lit up.

“Perfect! Then a strong young boy like you wouldn’t mind helping me move some flower pots, would you?”

“Oh, um, sure,” I didn’t exactly have anything else to do at the moment.

The lady led me inside her shop, door closing with a jingle behind us. I had to admit, it looked lovely inside with all the vibrant flowers neatly and artfully arranged––and smelled just as delightful as it seemed.

“They’re right back here… oh, I don’t believe I ever caught your name.”

“Um, Katsuki.”

“Then right this way, Katsuki!”

The lady was friendly enough, maybe a bit too friendly, but I supposed helping her out might keep me occupied enough to silence that bitter voice in my head. When all the moving was done, she insisted that I try one of her homemade cookies, which was surprisingly delicious, and we got to chatting. Well, it was mostly her talking about how her youngest son was getting married this spring and she’d been looking for just the right flowers for the reception’s centerpieces.

“You know, you remind me a lot of my son. He used to come help me set up the shop every morning. Well, not since he moved away to his fiancee’s city, but he still calls every now and then.”

I simply nodded and took another bite of the cookie.

“Do you have anybody special?”

I nearly choked on the shortbread, surprised at the lady’s bluntness.

“Um, yeah, I’ve got… someone.”

She nodded in satisfaction, “are they good to you?”

“Yeah,” I paused, my head flooding with the events of last night once more. “Though I’m not sure I can say I’m very ‘good’ to him…”

“Why do you say that?” She wrinkled her brows in concern.

I let loose a heavy sigh, “Well, I– I messed up. And... it’s not the first time.”

She nodded, urging me to go on.

“I just–” I rubbed my face in frustration, “I don’t know what to do anymore. I trust him, but… God, why am I like this??”

“So you two are having a lovers’ spat, eh?”

I nodded.

“I thought so. I could tell from the way you were walking down the street, all sulky and lovesick.”

“Hey–” The lady held up a finger to silence me.

“And I could also tell that you’re the prideful type. Always letting your bravado get the better of you, am I right?”

I growled and nodded again.

The lady just grinned and whirled around wordlessly, fiddling with some things behind the counter. When she turned back to me, she presented a bouquet of beautiful purple and white flowers.

“Here. You’ll be needing these.”

I took the flowers into my hand and examined them carefully. There were only four flowers, but they seemed to be made up of dozens of smaller blossoms, making the little bouquet look quite full, yet still trim and neat.

“They’re hydrangeas,” she explained, seeing my blank stare. “They symbolize pride and apology, which I think fits our little predicament quite nicely.”

I still looked from her to the flowers and back dumbly.

“Give them to your special someone, numbskull. You’re gonna go apologize, right?”

I nodded again.

“Then give him these. And tell him how sorry you are for being a dimwit. And treat him like a king from now on, you hear me?”

“Oh, how much are they?”

“Free of charge. Consider it payment for helping me move those pots.”

A faint smile crept up my face as I looked at the simple bouquet.

“Thank you.”

“Any time. I’ve got to admit, I’m a sucker for young love,” the lady chuckled and shooed me out the door to go apologize with another shortbread cookie and flowers in hand.

I stepped into the apartment as quietly as I could, relieved to find Izuku was still asleep, and got to work. It was well after dawn now, partly because I took a little detour to the grocery store to pick up a couple ingredients. But I knew Izuku was an early riser, so I set to work quickly.

I had just finished when I heard Izuku’s alarm go off, and a short while later, his sleepy footsteps come padding into the kitchen.

“Kacchan, why are you up so earl–“ Izuku stopped mid-yawn and stared at the table.

“Deku, I know this doesn’t even come close to making up for last night, and I know you probably don’t believe me at this point, but I’m sorry. I really, truly am. And I can’t tell you how much I–” Izuku put a finger on my lips to stop my rambling.

“How long have you been up?”

I paused, a bit unsure whether I should tell him the truth.

“All night…” I finally admitted.

“Babe, why did you–”

“Because I can’t sleep knowing how much I’ve hurt you,” I took hold of his hand and kissed it softly, running my calloused finger over his scarred knuckles. “And pancakes and flowers aren’t nearly enough to express how sorry I am—for everything—but it’s a start.”

Izuku looked up at me with that soft little smile of his that just melted my heart every time and reminded me that everything was going to be alright.

“Well, the pancakes aren’t going to eat themselves,” he laughed, and I ruffled his wild mop of bedhead.

[fanfics-for-the-hockey-fan]

Worry - Noel Acciari

Request: Noel Acciari, girlfriend having trouble with him being scratched (every 10ish games for 3 at a time) a lot, worried about future trade or possible free agency because it is a contract year, makes her nervous but she know she will stay loyal no matter what

I dreaded checking Twitter these days, I tried to not follow too many hockey reporters and websites but it somehow always ended up on my feed. I hated seeing the rumor of players being traded. Most people forgot that they have lives outside of those 60 minute games every couple of days, that they were people with families and connections to the cities they played in. I also hated watching the mental struggle Noel went through every time they told him he wouldn’t be playing in a game.

It crushed him every time that he was scratched for a game, he tried to hide it from me but as his girlfriend since high school I could read him easily. The way his smile didn’t reach his eyes and the way he would deflect the conversation from hockey at the first chance he got. It worried me too, I was always fearful of a trade or what would happen at the end of the season since he would be a free agent.

All of these feeling I tried to keep to myself, I didn’t want to add to Noel’s already busy life with my silly worries. I had a cooking blog that I ran from home so it wasn’t like it mattered where I did my work from. But we had both grown up in the Boston area and it was all I had known. But I knew that if he wasn’t trade before the trade deadline that summer would bring worry since he would be an unrestricted free agent and there was no guarantee that he would resign with the Bruins.

After a 30 minutes viewing of all of the trade rumors on Twitter I was a nervous mess and regretting ever going on the site today. So I did what I always did when I was nervous, I cleaned. I got so into cleaning and focusing on making sure every inch of the kitchen was spotless that I didn’t even hear the apartment door open or Noel call out for me. “Oh babe, what’s wrong?”

I jumped from where I was kneeling next to the open oven, scrubbing with everything I had. Looking up I saw Noel standing at the edge of the kitchen looking worried. “You scared me. How was practice?”

“Practice was okay, but what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know what you are talking about, I’m planning a bread recipe to work on tomorrow and I want to take some pictures while it is in the oven and I realized our oven is filthy.” Noel sighed and sat down on the floor next to me, taking the rough sponge from my hand and putting in the bucket I had filled with soapy water.

“Nikki. Our oven is fine, you only clean like this when something is really bothering you. And based off of the condition of our kitchen counters, floor, and fridge I’m guessing you’ve been at this for a while. What’s bothering you?”

“Nothing, but I need to finish cleaning the oven so I can head out to the store to get food for dinner.”

“We’ll order in tonight. Please Nikki, tell me what’s wrong?”

“I-” I took a deep breath, calming myself before turning to look at Noel. His worried expression made me start crying, which caused him to pull me onto his lap and let me cry into his shirt. When I finally calmed down enough to steady my breathing and gather my thoughts before speaking, “I’m worried about what is going to happen. I hate that people online talk about trading you like it’s trading a fruit roll up during lunch in elementary school. They don’t realize that you are a person who does more than just play hockey. I just want to scream at all of the idiots on twitter, they don’t care about thing other than what makes them look smart.

“I know that since we met junior year of high school I would follow you anywhere to see you achieve your dream but the idea of having to leave this area is terrifying to me. I don’t like not knowing if we will still be here next year or if we have to learn a new city and make new friends. I’ve never been good at being the new kid, when my family moved here in high school I was terrified at being the new kid. You were my knight in shining armor, you always have been.”

“How long have you been feeling this way?”

“I don’t know, I’ve been trying to ignore it because I know you have enough on your plate.” I watched as Noel shook his head before standing with me still in his arms, walking both of us towards the living room. He got settled on the couch with me still on his lap, kissing my forehead before speaking.

“I don’t want you ever feel like you need to keep things you are feeling from me. I don’t care about anything as much as I do about you. You have been my greatest supporter since I started this crazy journey of playing hockey full time. I still remember that night during college when you were the one to push me to pursue this crazy dream that until that point I thought was only a dream. So anything you are thinking, I want to know. Because I wouldn’t be living this amazing life if it weren’t for you. Please tell me when something like that is bothering you.”

“Okay.” I bit my lip as I debated asking a question.

“What’s on your mind?”

“Have you heard anything from your agent? On a trade or maybe resigning?”

“No, he hasn’t mentioned anything but I haven’t talked to him in a while. I’ll shoot him a text.”

“Thank you.” I muttered it into his shoulder, kissing it before relaxing into Noel’s chest. I watched as he sent off the text before wrapping his arms around me. My breath caught in my throat as his phone received a text. “Anything?”

“He hasn’t heard anything but he will keep us informed. Are you okay if I sign somewhere else next year? I’m not saying that will happen, but I don’t want it to blindside us.”

“I’m ready for an adventure, as long as that adventure is with you.”

“All of my greatest adventures have been with you, and I can’t wait for many more to come.” Noel gave me a toe curling kiss as we relaxed into the couch, that is until I shot up.

“The oven!”

“Come on, let’s go finish cleaning your oven and I’ll order us some dinner in a bit.” Noel came with me into the kitchen, getting down in the floor with me and helping me scrub. We finished the oven quickly before ordering Chinese food and eating on the couch as we watched a bad disaster movie to distract us from everything. My bad day ended on a high note, I knew the Noel and I could get through anything. And while the future was uncertain, I knew my adventure buddy would be with me every step of the way.

Request are open!!!!

[mermaidsirennikita]

March 2018 Book Roundup

I read a lot of books this month!  And two of them were actually five star reads, which I would recommend for completely different reasons.  Read A Girl Like That by Tanaz Bhathena if you want to be completely devastated.  Read To Kill A Kingdom by Alexandra Christo if you want a fantastic fairy tale romp with a good bit of blood.  But like, read both?  There was also one pretty big disappointment (that was still by no means a failure, this book just got hyped to hell) and a book I actually hated.  So like, a mixed bag!

The Belles by Dhonielle Clayton.  4/5.  In Orleans, beauty drives people--in part because they don’t naturally have it.  They’re born gray-skinned, red-eyed, and ugly; and this can only be changed with the help of a Belle, one of the lovely young women with the power to (temporarily) manipulate people’s physical appearances.  Camellia is making her Belle debut with her sisters--but only one can get the coveted spot of the queen’s favorite, working on the royal family.  Initially, Camellia is passed over; but when her winning sister mysteriously vacates the spot, she is thrust into the role of favorite and tasked with the seemingly impossible feat of healing the queen’s older daughter who’s been in a coma for years.  As it turns out, the fate of Orleans could very well hang in the balance.  On the surface, I thought that The Belles would be like a lot of those YA fantasy/dystopian books centered on looks that is basically a transparent riff on reality shows/21st century pop culture meets Harry Potter/The Hunger Games/What Have You.  In fact, the way the Belles work in their world is very much its own thing, and Clayton does a lovely job of weaving in these super sugary descriptions--obviously drawing from the French royal court of Marie Antoinette or Louis XIV--while never dropping this sense of mystery and dread.  Part of that mystery revolves around what the Belles really are, and to be honest I’m still not 100% sure about that--but this is the beginning of a series, and it’s incredibly intriguing.  Furthermore, the horror factor was much more present than I expected.  It’s a book that gets a lot out of the eeriness behind what people do for beauty--the only thing it needs to work on, for me, is fleshing out the characters a bit more.

Bygone Badass Broads by Mackenzi Lee.  3/5.  Lee expands on her popular Twitter series, telling the stories of women who have been scrubbed from history because they’re not white enough, not straight enough, not cis enough, or otherwise too transgressive in some other ways.  Basically, this is one of those books that lists dozens of rebellious or unusual women, and I tend to love that.  I wouldn’t say that this book is bad, but it also doesn’t rank super high in the subgenre.  Yes, Lee does a great job of digging up women that even I hadn’t heard of (and I say “even” because again, I read a lot of books like this) but the write-ups are so short (about three-ish pages on Nook each) that I didn’t get a lot out of them.  Which of course allows Lee to include more women, but I would have rather seen more about each woman and less women in general, especially as some were honestly--less impressive than others.  As important as lady publishers are, I feel like there’s less intrigue and yeah, importance overall to their stories compared to those about women like the Maribel sisters.  There were a couple of women included who were borderline legends as well, and I don’t know...  Maybe cut them in favor of the women who definitely did something?  Furthermore, there’s a huge imbalance in time periods, or at least it felt that way--I mean, it seemed like most of the ladies were from the nineteenth century and onward.  And that’s just a matter of personal taste--I’m more interested in history from ancient times to the eighteenth century.  Nineteenth century is where my interest begins to wane a bit!  But with that being said, it’s not a bad book and definitely a nice, quick read when you want to discover some interesting women written about in a chatty tone.

A Girl Like That by Tanaz Bhathena.  5/5.  For most of her life, Zarin--an Indian immigrant to Saudi Arabia--has been viewed as a bad girl.  She’s seen that way by the mentally ill aunt who raised her, subjected to abuse in part simply because she’s a “bastard orphan”.  Her uncle sympathizes but won’t actually help.  The girls at school and their mothers see her as a flirt and a bad influence.  The only person who seems to give Zarin a chance is Porus, the boy who worships the ground she walks on, no matter how careless she is about his feelings.  Now Porus and Zarin are dead in a car accident, and few know what actually lead up to it; in bits and pieces, from multiple perspectives, we learn the reality of Zarin’s life, and why she was far more than “a girl like that”.  First off, this book is absolutely heartbreaking.  Though you know from page one that Zarin and Porus are dead, you still fall in love with them and there’s this sense of dread throughout as you get closer and closer to their deaths.  Zarin is one of the best YA protagonists I’ve read about in a while--flawed but incredibly human, easy to relate to, and terribly wounded in a way that isn’t over the top.  And Porus isn’t a knight in shining armor, he’s a romantic boy in love with a girl who may or may not want him back, and the book doesn’t hesitate to call him out for his white knight-ing while not abandoning his inherent goodness (which is implied to be present because he had the influence of a good father, whereas the other, less good boys in the book are following the examples of shitty fathers).  It was great to read a YA contemporary novel that was set somewhere other than America, or even Europe.  The author has a background similar to Zarin’s, so she’s not talking out of her ass here.  And there’s a deep sympathy for almost every character in the book--even when they’re horrible, they aren’t mindless villains.  There are cultural and religious elements at play, and none of them are good or bad without cause.  As a warning, rape and abuse (sexual and otherwise) are themes throughout the book, as is depression, suicidal ideation, and more.  It’s not an easy read.  But it should absolutely be read.

The Woman in the Window by A.J. Finn.  4/5.  Anna is an agoraphobe and classic cinema fan, spending her days talking to fellow agoraphobes on a message board and her nights watching movies--and spying on her neighbors.  She hasn’t left her home in ten months, doesn’t live with her husband and daughter anymore, and seems beyond hope when her new neighbor Jane visits and breathes new life into her boring routine.  No sooner has Anna made a friend, however, than she sees something horrible happen in Jane’s home.  The issue?  Everyone--including the police--say that it didn’t happen.  This book is a clear Rear Window tribute, and acknowledges as much--in fact, Anna’s obsession with classic thrillers, along with her alcoholism and psych meds, probably contribute to her status as an unreliable narrator.  And I love an unreliable narrator.  Anna is flawed without losing my sympathy (another favorite character type) and while I can’t say that this is the most original thriller I’ve read, it’s entertaining and well-done and even a bit emotional.  Definitely satisfying.

Rosemarked by Livia Blackburne.  2/5.  Zivah is a healer, struck down by the same plague she’s been treating people for--the rose plague.  It will shorten her life but kill her slowly, isolating her in a little cottage (think shades of leprosy, but not as gross, of course). Dineas has survived the same plague, leaving him immune, and has escaped the Amparans who tortured him to the point of breaking.  His desire to liberate his people brings him to Zivah, who wants to make the remainder of her life mean something--and together the two unite on a mission to steal from the capital.  I think.  Honestly, this book was so boring that I wasn’t really absorbing much of the plot.  In theory, it’s such a cool idea: a slow-burn romance between a warrior and a dying healer that has them acting as spies.  But it’s told in alternating perspectives, and Dineas and Zivah are both so bland that I couldn’t really tell the difference between the two of them. There was a lot of summary without much urgency.  Also: the romance is clearly meant to be a big part of the story.  However, Dineas and Zivah lack chemistry, and this issue is only exacerbated by the fact that... for reasons... which I didn’t totally get... Dineas keeps having his memory taken away?  Willingly?  “For the mission”.  So Zivah is supposedly falling in love with amnesiac Dineas, who isn’t even really Dineas completely--or is he???  God, it made no sense.

Awayland by Ramona Ausubel.  3/5.  A collection of short stories capturing the feelings of dreaminess and wanderlust, often with a dose of magical realism.  This book is very difficult for me to describe, in part because it’s just kind of weird?  Definitely well-written if you like pretty, sometimes purple prose.  There were a few stories I really liked, some that simply baffled me, and in general I loved the sense of the different lands the author described.  However, one story made me particularly uncomfortable in the almost fetishistic way that it described Africa, and I can’t help but feel how... deliberately vague... it seems to be.  And I’m not sure what to think about that.

To Kill A Kingdom by Alexandra Christo.  5/5.  Princess Lira has seventeen hearts in her bedroom.  The daughter of the siren Sea Queen, Lira waits for the day that she takes her mother’s throne, building a fearsome reputation by taking the still-beating hearts of princes.  Prince Elian isn’t so dissimilar--however, he sails the seas killing sirens, and his reputation has made him a prize for the sirens.  After killing one of her mother’s subjects, Lira is punished with a human form.  The only way she can return to her true body--and remain her mother’s heir--is to get Elian’s heart--without any of her powers.  This Little Mermaid retelling is dark--focusing a good bit on the effects of abusive parenting--and bloody, starring a monster princess and a prince who isn’t so nice either.  Yes, it’s a story of two people who are mortal enemies hating each other until they maybe don’t so much.  Yes, it’s full of the various lands Elias and Lira visit and all of their royal families.  Yes, it was one of the most fun and engaging books I’ve read in a long time, and certainly one of the best fairy tale retellings I’ve read.  READ IT.

Blood Water Paint by Joy McCullough.  3/5.  A verse-driven retelling of Artemisia Gentileschi’s rape and its aftermath, interspersed with stories of the women who would inspire some of her most famous works.  Let me tell you this upfront: I feel that other people would enjoy this book much more than I did.  It’s written in a lovely way--the stories of Judith and Susanna are told by Artemisia’s mother, almost as bedtime stories, which is... a bit weird, but cool--and it is an incredibly important, if brutal, story.  It’s also, at face value, pretty accurate: Artemisia was the daughter of a mediocre painter who she learned from and surpassed; she was raped by Agostino Tassi after an initial romance; she was tortured in court to prove that she wasn’t lying about her rape.  The story does skirt over the fact that Artemisia wanted to marry her rapist, and his refusal to marry her drove her to seek justice--not the rape on its own.  And that bothered me, the lack of real confrontation of that fact.  Because it renders Artemisia an “imperfect victim”, and few rape survivors ARE perfect victims.  Certainly, few in the seventeenth century fit a twenty-first century idea of what rape survivors are like.  And that was a huge issue with the book in general.  Artemisia--and her mother, to an extent--thought and sounded like twenty-first century women.  Artemisia approached painting like a twenty-first century artist.  As someone who has studied Italian painting of this era, and how Italian women painters were treated and acted, it just... didn’t sit well for me.  Sure, the whole book was stylized, but you can have a stylized story without losing authenticity.  Again, this will probably be a fantastic book for people who don’t share my background with the story.  But it didn’t work for me.

The Wicked Deep by Shea Ernshaw.  1/5.  Two centuries ago, the people of Sparrow drowned the three Swan sisters, all accused witches.  Ever since then, the sisters have returned every summer, possessing innocent girls until the solstice to seduce and drown boys.  Penny Talbot is familiar with the legend, and therefore hasn’t let herself get attached to the local boys.  Bo isn’t local--but he does have a connection to the sisters.  As they zero in on a boy she’s growing increasingly concerned for, Penny hunts for an answer to what the sisters really want and how she can stop them.  This was so bad.  So bad.  Bad because the idea was really cool--ghost witch sisters, possession, seduction, drowning--and there were some really interesting descriptions.  Basically, some of the bits that were just about the Swan sisters’ past were cool.  Some of them.  Until the end.  The rest was basically a hodge-podge of incredibly predictable “twists”, chemistry-less instalove, and a total inability to write people as people.  They made ridiculously stupid choices, experienced inexplicable emotional reactions, and in general just felt fake.  This should have been SO cool.  But it just made me want to write the opposite thing in order to prove a point.  (Also: it is set in OREGON.  Near Portland.  In our time, or at least a time where stereos are a thing.  I know that shady shit can happen anywhere and especially in small towns, but fuck.  Around 3 or more young boys from this town drown EVERY SUMMER, and not only is the town able to sustain itself but the FBI hasn’t gotten involved?  These all seem to be young white boys, in Oregon, just drowning.  Literally if this had been set in a made-up town in a made-up time, this would have been much more believable.)

The Merry Spinster by Mallory Ortzberg.  3/5.  A collection of short, spooky retellings of not only fairy tales, but classic children’s stories like “The Velveteen Rabbit”.  Overall, I’d recommend this book if you’re in the mood for something lyrical yet genuinely grim--but be warned, it can be a bit self-important sometimes.  A few of the creepier bits felt almost too self-aware; like, “this is scary because these are children’s characters acting really weird, oooh”.  Some of the stories I could have done without.  Standouts include “The Daughter Cells” (The Little Mermaid), “The Six Boy-Coffins” (The Six Swans, also the best story in the collection), “The Rabbit” (The Velveteen Rabbit) , and “Cast Your Bread Upon The Water” (Johnny Croy and His Mermaid Bride).  

The Radical Element ed. Jessica Spotswood.  2/5.  An anthology of short stories about young women who are “radical” in some what, from the nineteenth to twentieth century. Because really, for a historical fiction anthology, this is pretty limited in time periods and locations--it’s nineteenth and twentieth century America, barely stretching a century. Which is something I found irritating about the last anthology edited by Spotswood that I read (A Tyranny of Petticoats) but I liked that more because there were more stories for me to connect with.  Honestly, many of these read very young to me, so regardless of the writing quality I didn’t like most of them.  The only one that really stood out to me was Anna-Marie McLemore’s “Glamour”.  But this isn’t a bad anthology, in my opinion--I just think I’ve outgrown much of these stories.  

Sometimes I Lie by Alice Feeney.  2/5.  Amber is in a coma.  She can sense everything around her, hear everything people say, but can’t move her body, even to open her eyes.  She remembers nothing--only that her husband doesn’t love her anymore, and she believes that he had something to do with the “accident” that people refer to.  Alternating between Amber’s present in the coma, the days leading up to the accident, and a series of diary entries, the truth slowly unravels--or maybe.  Because sometimes Amber lies.  Basically, this had all of the plot elements it needed to have... But it moved at what felt like a glacial pace, and I couldn’t get into anything because the voices were dull.  Also: Amber has no control over her bodily functions while in a coma, and is sure to remind us of this every possible moment.  Furthermore, there is such a thing as too many twists, and to a degree, this book went there.

Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi.  3/5.  The land of Orisha was once full of magic--and Zelie’s mother was one of those who had it.  Until, that is, magic disappeared.  King Saran conducted a raid that killed all--or supposedly all--magic users, including Zelie’s mother.  Years later, Zelie and her brother Tzain embark on a quest to restore magic, aided by the runaway Princess Amari, and pursued by Amari’s brother Inan, who is determined to inherit his father’s ruthless legacy.  So...  This book.  I wanted so badly for it to be at least a four star read for me.  It’s been intensely hyped up, with the movie rights being sold ages ago.  Is it worth the hype?  For me, obviously not.  The hype oversold it.  Because Children of Blood and Bone is an enjoyable read with a ton of potential--but it’s also one of those books that was so clearly written by a debut author.  And I hate to say that, because I want to be a debut author someday; but there is a standard we need to hold ourselves and others to, and to me, this book needed some editing.  It was very overlong, with some parts dragging because I wanted to get back to the action.  The character beats sometimes felt rushed, comparatively--especially when it came to, you guessed it, the two central romances.  One of them was MADE FOR ME, but though I liked the pairing I wished that there had been more a realistic buildup.  The interesting thing about Children of Blood and Bone is that Adeyemi--who as I understand it is Nigerian-American, raised in America--based it off of West African culture.  As a white American, I obviously cannot speak to the authenticity of the usage of Yoruba, but I have seen a couple of Nigerian reviewers claim some issue with it, and that does make me wonder.  I do know that Adeyemi used, again, Yoruba in her book as well as several real place names.  This bugged me a bit.  Orisha is a fictional world--why refer to real African cities and a real language?  Obviously, most of the dialogue is in English, but Adeyemi could have referred to an imagined language as many fantasy novelists do.  To me, this all felt like... I don’t know, Jon Snow saying that he’d learned French from a tutor, or Gandalf saying that he was from Belfast.  It was a worldbuilding issue that knocked me out of the story.  For that matter, the fact that the catlike animals were referred to as “leonaires” (leopards), and so on... it seemed kind of weak.  There were a ton of very usual beats here--rebellious princess, young characters doomed from the first page, evil king who is evil because he is evil and had a dead love that is the sort of root of all of his problems...  It seems like I’m critiquing the fuck out of this book, but it had such a great idea and was so set up to be great that I don’t know.  I’m just disappointed, and it all could have been much better because the bones were there.  All that said, I’m probably going to read the second book because I was invested in the characters and do want to see what happens next.  But if the next book isn’t better, I probably won’t read beyond that.

In Search of Us by Ava Dellaira.  3/5.  Angie has never known her father; the biracial child of a white mother, she has never known the black side of her family, as her father apparently died before she was born along with his brother.  After discovering that her uncle is actually alive, Angie embarks on a trip to LA with her ex-boyfriend to seek the truth about her father.  In a parallel story, we see the journey of her mother, Marilyn, as a teenager being pushed by her mother to support them through a modeling career she doesn’t want.  After meeting James, Marilyn sees the opportunity for a new life--the question is how she’ll come to be the single mother of a daughter she keeps secrets from.  This book is really lovely and sweet in a lot of ways--the writing is quite pretty.  Marilyn’s story is, to be honest, much more compelling than Angie’s simply because she has a more dramatic arc.  Angie is essentially on a trip to uncover something you can probably guess fairly early on, and though her struggles are totally understandable, it is kind of difficult to watch her treat her very sweet ex like shit and kind of take advantage of his feelings.  Marilyn has this struggle of attempting to escape her mother’s impossible dreams, while engaging in genuinely sweet and sad romance.  The issue for me was that nobody quite as accessible as Marilyn, and while I appreciated the message the book was sending, it seemed a bit heavy-handed and abrupt towards the end.  Tacked on for points, to be frank.  Also, there was one sex scene that seemed... while not physically impossible, very unlikely.  But overall, if you want to read something sort of gentle and sad with good romance AND mother-daughter elements, I’d recommend it.

The Flight Attendant by Chris Bohjalian.  3/5.  Flight attendant Cassie is something of a train wreck, using her career to facilitate a habit of heavy partying and one night stands.  In Dubai, she has a one-nighter with a man named Alex, only to wake up to find him brutally murdered in the bed they shared.  Unable to remember the entirety of the previous night’s events and terrified of what will happen to her, Cassie sneaks out of the hotel room and finds herself embroiled in an international scandal.  The book follows not only Cassie’s perspective, but that of the mysterious Elena, who seems to be keeping tabs on Cassie.  This is definitely a gripping book, and I sped through it.  Honestly, much of the interest had to do with just how odd and intriguing a flight attendant’s life can be, and it was certainly a great profession for the main character of a thriller--Cassie was constantly jet-setting.  The issue was that she was also a total idiot, to the point that sometimes her stupidity felt less like a character trait and more like a plot device.  But I could have gotten over that.  What bumped this down from a 4 to a 3-star rating was the ending--the big twist wasn’t something I called, but it also wasn’t very thrilling.  You pretty much knew what was going on before the end.  And of course, everything was tied up in a very... borderline sexist way?  But it’s not the worst thriller I’ve read; I mean, it wasn’t even the worst one I read this month.

[bookloversreviewer]

The Rich Boy, an all-new sensational slow burn romance standalone from New York Times bestselling author Kylie Scott is releasing March 9th, and we have the first sneak peek!

Sneak Peek

“All of Me” by Billie Holliday comes on and we neither stop nor speak. We just keep moving to the music. My hands creep up to the back of his neck where his skin is bare and warm to the touch. His eyes are the most amazing shade of hazel. Like some lovesick fool I could stare into them for hours. I don’t think I’ve slow danced with someone since high school. Don’t get me wrong, there have been memorable times in my adult life. I’ve been given roses and taken to dimly lit restaurants. But being here with him is quickly becoming peak romance.

​Next is “Lover” by Taylor Swift and we dance on. He doesn’t try to kiss me so I don’t make a move either. There’s no need for more just yet. Doing this, being this close, is beautiful. I want about a hundred more moments like this with him. Possibly a great deal more.

When the music stops we gradually still. And there’s this moment when it’s just me and him and the city around us seems perfectly silent. How good it is to simply be in his arms and to have the full focus of his attentions. To know that maybe, just maybe, I’m safe here with him. The chambers of my heart fill up with him, one by one, and it’s both wonderful and terrifying.

“That was nice,” he says in a low voice.

​“Yes, it was.”

He looks down, taking in the way our bodies are pressed together. “Baby Jesus would be appalled.”

“I do so hate disappointing infant gods.”

“You know, fifty years from now we’re going to look back on tonight and you’re going to regret not taking the opportunity to feel me up,” he says. “Just going for it and grabbing my junk like you own it.”

“Oh my God, Beck.” I laugh. “That was such a perfect romantic moment and you just killed it.”

“I did?”

“Dead and buried.”

He scratches at his head. “Well, shit. I was only being honest.”

“Of course you were.”

With a smile, he takes a step back. I miss him immediately. The heat and the feel of him. The warm and familiar scent of his body. Maybe I should have taken him home last night. Though this slower pace has a sweetness and heat I can’t help but enjoy. Despite the crazy things that come out of his mouth and the insane cravings he inspires in me just by existing. Damn the man.

“So,” he says.

I break out in gooseflesh from the way he looks at me. As if not only am I the only woman in the room (which I am), but quite possibly on the whole damn planet. As I’ve mentioned before, his attention is addictive.

“How about I get the mopping done and then take you on a second date to the diner?” he asks. “See if I can’t bring the romance back to our burgeoning long-term relationship.”

“A second date, huh?”

“It’s a big step, I know. But I think we’re ready. What do you think?”

I nod, my stomach turning upside down. “Let’s do it.”

Synopsis

I’m the type of girl who’s given up on fairy tales. So when Beck – the hot new busboy at work – starts flirting with me, I know better than to get my hopes up. Happily ever afters aren’t for the average. I learned that the hard way.

But how can I be expected to resist a man who can quote Austen, loves making me laugh, and seems to be everything hot and good in this world?

Only there’s so much more to him than that.

Billionaire playboy? Check.

Troubled soul? Check.

The owner of my heart, the man I’ve moved halfway across the country to be with, who’s laying the world at my feet in order to convince me to never leave? Check. Check. Check.

But nobody does complicated like the one percent.

This is not your everyday rags-to-riches, knight-in-shining armor whisking the poor girl off her feet kind of story. No, this is much messier.

Pre-order you copy today!

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About Kylie

Kylie is a New York Times and USA Today best-selling author. She was voted Australian Romance Writer of the year, 2013, 2014 & 2018, by the Australian Romance Writer’s Association and her books have been translated into eleven different languages. She is a long time fan of romance, rock music, and B-grade horror films. Based in Queensland, Australia with her two children and husband, she reads, writes and never dithers around on the internet.

Connect with Kylie

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Website: https://kyliescott.com/

[thecatsaesthetics]

How are you enjoying Victoria? I'm finding the show frustrating this season. In real time I suppose A&V haven't been married for very long, but Victoria and her husband seem to continue arguing about the same things - you're trying to take my power : no I'm not. Also, Victoria doesn't want to ask Albert for advice but she runs to Lord M for it. I'm not a fan of how Daisy writes LM as a feminist crusader but only to continue his Knight in Shining Armor trope. Argh.

Listen I take the show for what it isn’t imperfect but enjoyable none the less.  It isn’t GOT or some other shitty show. It has good acting, good story lines, good character development. Every show has issues but on the whole, this is a good tv show. It isn’t Poldark which is romanticizing rape and abuse so I’m not fed up with it yet. 

Vicbert fighting is what happened early on in their marriage this needs to happen, honestly I was disappointed they didn’t fight more last season. I’m loving the fights it really shows the tension between them. Vicbert wasn’t a smooth sailing marriage at all, especially in the beginning. At one point Albert locks himself in a closet and is slipping notes under the door he’s no angry at Victoria. They were both 21 when they married, had a child before the year was out and another soon on the way, they only knew each other a little bit before they wed and their main reason for getting married was Victoria’s attraction to Albert. It’s normal for them to fight, as they are getting to know each other still and they were both very different people which made them clash. 

The only thing I’m disappointed in is the framing of “Victoria is, of course, right” that wasn’t always the case. Sometimes Albert was correct and sometimes Victoria was. It’s not feminist to make Victoria the one always right and Albert the one always wrong and honestly it’s not interesting. Sometimes Victoria was overbearing and too emotional, but I think that had a lot to do with Victoria being pregnant and hormonal. 

I hate the notion that Lord Melbourne was a feminist (Lol the man who planted the idea in Victoria’s head that women weren’t suited for ruling, come on Goodwin, come on) but it is what it is. It will be over next episode when he chokes or has a stroke or whatever. It’s very obvious they brought him to kill him off for the twitter fans. Him being there is more fan appeasement than anything else, it didn’t affect the storyline at all. 

Despite what the V*cbourne stans believe the last episode wasn’t about them, it wasn’t about V*cbourne still being in love or Albert being jealous of Melbourne. The entire episode was about Victoria feeling unsuited for her position and being jealous of an intelligent woman whom Albert admires. Melbourne was brought in to yet again tell Victoria to trust her husband. She went to Melbourne for advice. If last season’s romance hadn’t happened I think people would see these scenes as platonic, because that was the intention this time around. Honestly, I find all the V*cbourne stuff laughable, their reaction on twitter was so obnoxious. All of them suspecting something would happen and the cries of “divorce Albert” like dude you realize this show while isn’t 100% accurate at all is still attempting to be historically authentic, and in order to be so you have to have Vicbert’s marriage remain around and be happy. They literally just bought in Daisy Goodwin’s fan bait so easily. I’m sorry I wouldn’t be happy if my ship was brought back just to prop up the new relationship. But that’s just me I guess. 

Vicbert’s love story is the focus of this season, which I enjoy a lot, I find Tom and Jenna’s chemistry to be intense and I even enjoy the storylines this season. So yeah this show isn’t perfect but I still enjoy the show overall. 

[5hfanfiction]

A Summer Away - Chapter Nine

Camila was just finishing setting up when there was a light knock on her door.

“Come in,” She yelled over her shoulder, already knowing who it is.

Lauren stepped in and closed the door behind her as Camila took in her appearance.

The older woman was freshly showered and dressed in clean fresh clothes from their morning mud escapades earlier today. She chuckled at the memory as she grabbed her guitar and leaned back in her chair.

Her laptop was in front of her as she looked at herself on the screen. The camera was sitting right next to it on the tripod, praying that she set up and plugged in all the cables correctly.

Lauren sat down on the bed carefully next to her, not wanting to disrupt anything that the smaller girl may have or set up.

“Are you ready for this?”

Camila took a deep breath as she tried to calm her nerves. She definitely knew every word she wrote and every note she made to create the song so that wasn’t an issue. She performed in front of hundreds of thousands of people before so she figured she wouldn’t be under so much pressure like this.

But something was different.

She has never had this much nerves before and she had a feeling it was because of the gorgeous girl sitting next to her.

Suddenly, her phone chimed as a notification popped up on her screen.

@celebnews: “Pop star Camila Cabello is out and about with rumored girlfriend.”

Her heart fluttered at the headline and she couldn’t necessarily explain why. Sure, Lauren was drop dead gorgeous and so sweet and caring towards her and with the passing few weeks that they have spent together, she couldn’t say that she didn’t develop some sort of feelings for the stable hand.

Suddenly, she didn’t want to perform the song she wrote anymore.

She ducked her head in disappointment, not happy with herself for not wanting to express her feelings. But something inside of her was telling her that she was doing nothing wrong. She didn’t want to express her feelings, not for the sole purpose of not wanting to be happy because she definitely wanted that and more with the woman next to her. She was more afraid of getting her heart broken or being let down again.

When she first started dating Austin two years ago, she was happy yet she was also naive. She thought Austin was her knight and shining armor that swooped down and they would be the it couple. The new Brad and Angelina. The new Jay-Z and Beyoncé.

But her childish mind at the mere age of sixteen never realized that no one could even compare to Jay-Z and Beyoncé or even Brad and Angelina for that matter. Especially not her and Austin, who just became a huge disappointment instead.

She just wasn’t ready to give her heart out to someone else just yet. No matter how beautiful, sweet, or funny they were. She glanced up at the green eyes and her heart clenched.

“I changed my mind.”

Lauren flashed her a confused look. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I changed my song that I wanted to sing.”

Lauren shrugged her shoulders. “I’m sure I’ll love it either way. What is it?”

“It’s actually a song I wrote awhile ago.” She shyly stated. “It’s about Austin.”

Lauren clenched her jaw as she heard the boy’s name. Didn’t he treat her horribly? Why would she write a song about him?

The older woman pained a smile, not wanting Camila to notice her discomfort.

“Let’s hear it then.” She said, pointing to the guitar in her lap.

Camila nodded and made sure the camera was recording before she situated the guitar in her lap. She cleared her throat and swallowed her nerves, followed by a deep breath.

Crashing, hit a wall

Right now I need a miracle

Hurry up now, I need a miracle

Stranded, reaching out

I call your name but you’re not around

I say your name but you’re not around

To say she was shocked was an understatement. She heard Camila sing on the radio and in several video clips she saw that one night where she looked her up on youtube. The girl had one hell of a voice on her, yet none of that footage came close to how to she actually sounded like in real life.

She fell in love with it.

I need you, I need you, I need you right now

Yeah, I need you right now

So don’t let me, don’t let me, don’t let me down

I think I’m losing my mind now

It’s in my head, darling I hope

That you’ll be here when I need you the most

So don’t let me, don’t let me, don’t let me down

D-Don’t let me down

Don’t let me down

Don’t let me down, down, down

Don’t let me down

Don’t let me down, down down

The amount of emotion Camila put into it was incredible. While Lauren was trying to wrap her head around the fact at how good the pop star can sing when it was not run over by mediocre dance music and backtrack, she tried to listen to the lyrics and somehow connect it to the trash of an ex-boyfriend she had.

R-r-running out of time

I really thought you were on my side

But now there’s nobody by my side

I need you, I need you, I need you right now

Yeah, I need you right now

So don’t let me, don’t let me, don’t let me down

I think I’m losing my mind now

It’s in my head, darling I hope

That you’ll be here, when I need you the most

So don’t let me, don’t let me, don’t let me down

D-don’t let me down

Don’t let me down

Lauren watched in awe as Camila belted out the notes and strummed the chords on her guitar. She then thought of the issue that Camila explained she is going through with her record label. How could someone deprive the world of this much talent? She was already a superstar. If the world just knew what she was capable of, she would gain an even bigger audience.

Don’t let me down, down, down

Don’t let me down, down, down

Don’t let me down, down, down

Don’t let me down

Don’t let me down, down, down

Ooh, I think I’m losing my mind now, yeah

Ooh, I think I’m losing my mind now, yeah

I need you, I need you, I need you right now

Yeah, I need you right now

So don’t let me, don’t let me, don’t let me down

I think I’m losing my mind now

It’s in my head, darling I hope

That you’ll be here, when I need you the most

So don’t let me, don’t let me, don’t let me down

Don’t let me down

Yeah, don’t let me down

Yeah, don’t let me down

Don’t let me down, oh no

Say don’t let me down

Don’t let me down, no-o

Don’t let me down

Don’t let me down, down, down

Camila finished up her strumming and there was a moment of silence before Lauren heard a sniffle from the younger girl. She was ducking her head to hide her face so Lauren had to lower hers to find out that the talented girl in front of her was indeed crying.

“I-I’m sorry.” She whispered out. “I don’t mean to get emotional like this.”

She picked up her head and wiped away the falling tears with her thumb.

“I feel so stupid.”

Lauren furrowed her eyebrows in confusion and shock. “No. Not ever should you feel stupid for having feelings.” She inched her body forward before taking the guitar that was in the way to the side gently before taking the girl into her arms.

“You have every right to feel what you feel. Every emotion you have towards anything is valid and you shouldn’t doubt yourself one bit. You deserve better than that.” Lauren wiped a single tear that was falling down her soft cheek with the pad of her thumb.

“You told me that it was about Austin, but do you want to talk about it more? It may make you feel better.”

Camila waited a few moments before she spoke up.

“I wrote that song around the beginning of last year. Surprisingly I was sober and he was the one out that night with his friends. I was just fooling around that night, playing a few chords and riffs that I wanted to try. It was peaceful.”

Lauren listened patiently as Camila continued her story.

“Then, I went to my kitchen to get a bite to eat and a bottle of water. That was when my phone chimed that I got a notification from Twitter. Not only was he with his friends, but he was also out with this girl that was clinging to his side. She was blonde-haired, blue-eyed, and had all the model-like physical traits. I didn’t know who she was. Could’ve been an up and coming celebrity or a fan for all I know.” She shrugged her shoulders. “But, I had this feeling.”

She stopped as she rubbed her itchy nose.

“And I was right.”

Lauren looked down at the emotional girl.

“He cheated on you?”

When Lauren felt the head nod, her stomach turned and her jaw clenched tightly. She could feel her fists curl up into balls as her anger increased. She absolutely hates cheaters.

“I wrote that song that night and never even sang it again until just now.”

Lauren tried to keep calm, she really did.

“How did you find out he cheated? Did he tell you?”

Camila scoffed, “Yeah right. I had to find out from the media the next morning. There were pictures, video, all of it. When I found it, I felt sick and used. I didn’t want to be around him. Like what I said in the song,” She emphasized. “I was saying to him to not let me down and disappoint me, yet that is what he did.”

“So, what made you stay?”

“I loved him. Or, at least I thought I did. It did take a few days for the apologies and the forgiveness and my naive ass fell for it.” She shook her head. “I still can’t believe I did that. I was just so young and I thought he was the one for me. He introduced me to so many people and things. I felt like I was brought to a whole new world.”

“Well, yeah smoking weed would do that to you.” Lauren chuckled. She knew that she shouldn’t try to make this into a laughing matter but she had to try to crack a smile onto Camila’s face and when she saw the beautiful smirk, she thought it was worth it.

“That was another thing. At that time in my life, I was addicted pretty heavily and he was my source so I also didn’t want to lose that as well. But over the months of last year, I slowly got off of it until I was completely sober. I did the same thing with alcohol. He was also my source but that was a lot easier to get, so I didn’t rely on him too much for that. A fake ID took care of that for me.”

Lauren stared down at her in shock. “You have a fake ID? Wouldn’t they have recognized you?”

“Yeah, I have one. Getting one made is not hard at all. It was just if you knew the right people and trust me, Austin knew a lot of those.” She paused before she shrugged her shoulders. “And I don’t know if they recognized me. I didn’t really care, to be honest. I think they mostly cared about my money and that I was buying a few cases at a time or pretty expensive hard liquor so it made sense as to why they wouldn’t say anything. The world is a cruel place.” Camila pointed out, mentioning at how the vendors willingly give out alcohol to minors.

“That it sure is.” Lauren agreed. She looked down at the girl in her lap and tucked a few strands of hair that were in her face, behind her ear. Her fingers brushed across the soft skin, leaving goosebumps in its path.

“That feels good.” She heard the soft mumble and smiled to herself. She kept running her fingers through the soft dark locks, not only that Camila enjoyed it but she did as well. Any contact she had with the girl, she enjoyed. Ever since she first came here a few weeks ago.

Lauren paused as she saw that the smaller girl’s eyes were closed and the moment she thought that she was sleeping, she was proven wrong when Camila’s hand grabbed hers and brought it back to her head.

“Don’t stop.”

Lauren smiled again as her stomach fluttered. She never felt like this with anyone and she really liked it. As she kept combing her fingers through Camila’s hair, she looked around the room and her gaze landed on the camera that was still sitting on its tripod, aimed at them.

She looked closer and noticed that it was still recording. She laughed slightly as she realized that Camila had a lot of editing ahead of her if she wanted to post it online but she had thoughts of asking her to not delete all of the content as she might want it in the future.

*****

It was a long night ahead for the pop star. After a few more minutes of comfortable silence, Lauren had to leave to get back to work and left Camila in her room to get to editing her video.

As she played back what the camera captured, she couldn’t help but smile at how Lauren treated her. She couldn’t bring her heart to get rid of the content so instead, she copied it over to a file on her laptop so she could have it while she deleted it off the SD card.

She did not want any of that to get released to the public.

It was around midnight when she finished editing the video and was in the process of uploading it up to her youtube account she made when she was younger.

But before she did that, she made sure to watch some of her old covers she did before she got signed. Watching those videos and remembering what she wanted to become at that age, made her want to post her song online even more.

Plus, her label allowed her to send them songs that she wrote. This was just a roundabout way.

As the video was just seconds away from being completely uploaded, she could feel her nerves go haywire. This was it. This is what she was waiting for.

When she got the confirmation message, she took a deep breath and went onto her twitter account to post the link so her fans could have easy access to it.

@Camila_Cabello: I wrote this song early last year and just gained the courage to perform it for the first time. I hope you like it!

She added the link to a new tweet after she sent that one out and pressed the tweet button. There it is. There was no going back from that.

She didn’t want to be online when her fans and people all around the world reacted to it, so she shut it off and cleaned up her mess before heading to bed. As she was climbing into the bed to finally go to bed, her phone chimed.

Grabbing it off the nightstand, she squinted her eyes at the bright screen as they adjusted.

Lauren: I am so proud of you. You did amazing.

Camila couldn’t believe it. Did she watch it already? She just uploaded it just ten minutes ago.

You watched it??

Only a few seconds passed when she saw the three dots at the bottom of her screen, indicating that the stable hand was texting back.

Lauren: Of course. I liked hearing it live just a little bit better though ;)

She felt her lips curl up into a smile as she read the message.

Then maybe you should come to one of my shows.

Lauren: Oh, I plan to Ms. Cabello ;) Goodnight beautiful xxx

Maybe it was because they have been more flirty with one another lately. Maybe it was because it was late and Camila was beyond tired that she didn’t think much of it and only texted a quick goodnight back at the stable hand before turning her phone to silent and placing it onto the nightstand next to her.

But maybe it was also the slight underlying reason that Camila indeed is falling for the green-eyed goddess, yet she doesn’t want to admit it. She couldn’t do what Austin put her through. Not again.

She has to protect herself and her heart, but recently she hasn’t been able to maintain such control.

*****

At the sounds of birds chirping and the bright sunlight shining through the window, Camila tossed over in her bed. She smiled at how quiet and peaceful everything seemed to be before her mind thought of last night’s events and how she uploaded her video.

She turned over in her bed and looked at her phone that was facing down onto the wood of the nightstand. She sort of was happy that she did that so she couldn’t see her screen that would’ve been displaying tons of messages and notifications but now she had to muster up the courage to reach out and flip it over.

Fuck it.

Her skin met the cool air conditioned air when she reached out from underneath the warmth of her blanket and quickly grabbed her phone and pulled her arm back underneath.

Turning it on, her eyes widened at a number of messages that she quickly scrolled through.

One caught her eye.

Paul: Good job. You did it.

Furrowing her eyebrows, she exited out of her messages, ignoring the ones that she has gotten from Dinah and other friends in the industry, and tapped onto her twitter app.

She looked to the tweets that she tweeted last night and her heart dropped as she already had over a million retweets and likes on the linked video. She quickly went to her youtube channel and saw that the video posted just seven hours ago already had over ten million views.

“How is that possible?” She whispered to herself. She has never felt this much overwhelmed from anything and she performed for the President of the United States before.

She went back to twitter and looked at the fan reactions that popped up on her timeline from fans that she followed.

Everyone was claiming how much they loved the song and that she performed on an instrument, something she hasn’t done on stage once she gotten signed due to her label.

She liked tweets from some of the fans and some friends that she worked with before checking back to her messages.

Dinah: How the hell could you leave me in the dark on this one?! Why didn’t you tell me??? Anyways, YOU DID SO AMAZING WALZZZ! So so proud of you! Call me later when you get the chance! Love you!!!

Camila smiled happily at her best friend’s message and was about to respond when a text from Lauren came through.

Lauren: You may want to come downstairs ;)

Camila immediately responded.

How did you know that I was awake???

Lauren: Twitter

Camila could’ve smacked herself on the head. Of course.

Sighing, she pulled the blanket to the side and got ready for the day before walking down the stairs. As she descended, she could hear the TV that was playing in the kitchen.

When she entered the room, she saw that both Lauren and her grandmother were watching intently to some entertainment news channel.

Reporter: Everyone around the globe could not stop talking about pop star ‘Camila Cabello’ as she took to twitter last night, tweeting out a link to her youtube channel where she posted a recent video of her singing a new song called ‘Don’t Let Me Down’. The account hasn’t been active since years ago before she got signed to Epic Records at the young age of thirteen. The tweet got over a million retweets and still counting while the video got over ten million hits in just the span of seven hours which demolishes and breaks a new record for the young pop star.

The reporter went on and finished her segment shortly afterward but Camila couldn’t move from her spot. She still couldn’t believe all of that happened in just a short time span. She could only imagine if she continued doing this and hopefully release an album by the fall so she could get back to touring but then a thought came to her mind as she looked over towards Lauren who was still watching the TV.

Eventually, she would have to leave this place. Leave Lauren.

She shook her head, trying to get the upsetting thoughts out of her mind. She still had a while here before she could even think about going back to LA or NYC and get back to work. She didn’t need to worry about that right now.

When the reporter on the TV ended her segment and went to a quick commercial, Camila saw her grandmother turn in her seat and saw her granddaughter standing by the doorway.

“Why, look who it is?” She greeted with a smile on her face.

Lauren quickly turned around and lunged over towards her. Camila felt strong arms wrap around her torso, picked her up and spun her around gently in the middle of the kitchen.

“I’m so proud of you!” Lauren exclaimed. “Did you hear what they said? You are being talked about from everybody. Just turn on the radio or go online. You are everywhere!”

Camila laughed at how excited she looked. It was very puppy-like and she found it absolutely adorable.

“Lauren, sweetheart, give her some space.” Grandma C told her head stable hand. “She is probably just very overwhelmed with everything.”

Her grandma always got what she was feeling.

Lauren quickly lets go and a light shade of pink showed up on her cheeks as she rubbed the back of her neck in a nervous manner.

“I am proud of you Camz.” She said quieter and more sincere. “You have no idea. You proved them wrong and look where it got you. Your record label will see it if they haven’t seen it already, and you will be outta here and recording your next album in no time.”

Camila’s smile faltered. No, she didn’t want that.

Lauren noticed. “What happened? Are you okay?”

Camila shook her head. “I just don’t want to think about that right now.” She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around the strong lean torso and hugged tightly. Resting her head against her chest, she heard Lauren’s beating heart.

“Thank you for believing in me.”

She felt Lauren lean down and hug her back. “No need to thank me. You believed in yourself enough to record and post the video. Nonetheless, you even wrote the song. This was all you.”

Camila didn’t feel like arguing with the selfless stable hand and just enjoyed a few more moments being in her arms.

“C’mon. I have a surprise for you.” Lauren whispered in her ear and took her hand. Camila followed, but not before glancing at her grandmother that was still sitting at the table and gave her one of her famous smirks.

Rolling her eyes, she shook her head and followed Lauren’s lead, their hands still interlocked.

Before they entered the room, Lauren turned around and got behind Camila.

“What are you doing?” Camila questioned, confused at the older woman’s actions.

“Trust me.”

She couldn’t argue with that. She trusted Lauren with her life but she wasn’t going to tell her that.

The warm hands covered her eyes as she could feel the front of Lauren’s body against her backside.

“I don’t know where I am going.”

“Just listen to my voice.” She heard the husky whisper as she felt Lauren’s lips brush against her earlobe. They took a few more steps until she heard, “Stop right here.”

“On the count of three, you can open your eyes,” Lauren explained as she took her hands off of Camila’s face.

“Okay.”

Lauren paused before she began.

“One.”

“Two.”

“Three.”

Camila opened her eyes and she gasped as she saw what was in front of her. It looked brand new, but she knew it wasn’t. She knew that is was still her grandmother’s old one.

The piano.

Although, now it was different. The wood was refurbished as on the old version, parts of the wood were chipped off and now it gleamed as the light from overhead reflected nicely off the polish.

The keys were cleaned and not a speck of dirt or grime could be found on them.

“Sit down.” Lauren invited her to sit on the wooden bench. She slowly made her way towards it as she sat down slowly. She couldn’t believe it.

“You did this?” Her voice cracked slightly as she looked up at the stable hand who was right next to her.

She shrugged, “With the help of your grandmother. She didn’t want me to say that and have me take all the credit but I couldn’t do that. She helped fix the keys so now it plays beautifully. All I did was disassemble, refurbish the wood, and assembled it back together. I polished it last night so it looked good for when I wanted to show you.”

“Oh my gosh, Lauren.” She immediately stood up and jumped up into Lauren’s arms. She felt like she was doing that a lot lately. “This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you so much. How do I repay you?”

Lauren shook her head. “No, that is not needed. I did this for you, knowing how much you wanted to play the piano again. Plus, now, you can teach me how to play. That can be your repayment if you want to look at it that way.”

“That doesn’t count. I was going to teach you either way.”

Lauren thought about it for a moment before she got an idea, but she didn’t know if she wanted to say it aloud or not. She really wanted this, or a chance to, at least but she didn’t want to be let down. She hesitated but then she thought about what Grandma C told her.

Don’t be fooled, Lauren. I have noticed how she looks at you too. Do something about it.

Building up the courage, she took a deep breath before she spoke up.

“There is actually something.”

Camila shot up. “What is it? Tell me.” She excitedly stated.

Lauren looked into the warm chocolate brown eyes that captivated her the moment she saw her come off the plane.

“Let me take you on a date.”

A/N: Cliffhangerrrr. Opps. Hope you liked the chapter! This story is also posted on my wattpad: beyxnd-the-stars! Hope you have a good day/night!

- Sara

[mlder]

i would love to know what you think of the carrison fandom in general

Well anon, you asked for it, so you’re gonna get my very honest opinion of this fandom.

Let’s just say I’m not a big fan. I used to. Especially before Carrie’s last book came out. We were all speculating, it was fun and mostly harmless, some people were more tacky than others, but you know, no big deal. And then her book came out and with it her confession about Harrison, and then it went downhill from there. The tackiness went from 0 to 100 in a week. I won’t even get into the whole “Harrison looks depressed” comments that popped up soon after Carrie’s death whenever Harrison was photographed out and about. In short, this fandom is a mess. Let me (hopefully briefly) explain.Spoiler alert: it wasn’t brief.

It’s not hard to see that most people in this fandom are either teenagers or older women. I’m not shaming either, I fall in the in-between category and whether this fandom likes it or not, I had a part in the “““building””” of this fandom in the sense that I provided some of the first posts on them (on Tumblr)  so I got to witness how this little fandom grew over the past, let’s say, two or three years. With that being said, at first everyone was excited to find out new stuff and I posted whatever I found because of how entertaining it was to discover all this old and new stuff about these two people. I wouldn’t say I became obsessed, but I spent a lot (read: A LOT) of time gathering up all this info because I knew people enjoyed it as much as I did and were as equally intrigued by this. But then the new Star Wars movie was released. Twitter found my blog. I got thousands of new followers, I got asked hundreds of questions about what I’d found, and it was so overwhelming, and that’s when it started becoming a shitshow. Twitter finding new stuff to talk about is never, never good news. So months went by. Carrie was writing the Princess Diarist and there was the promo tour. Lots of new material. I made friends on here talking about carrison, very good friends. Some I still talk to, some I don’t.

My problem is, in general, I’m a very impatient person with very low tolerance when it comes to opinions I judge as ridiculous. So yes, you could call me judgmental, or even an asshole, whatever floats your boat, I honestly don’t care. I’m that way and I’ve learned that I won’t change overnight. Which leads me to my honest opinion about the fandom and its contributors: I don’t like it. I could call it childish, immature, tacky, embarassing, delusional and plenty of other words. What can easily represent this in the fandom? That time around December, soon after Carrie’s book release, I openly voiced my opinion on here about her affair with Harrison with the knowledge of the book’s content. I got so much hate. I even got a wonderful anonymous stalker that would send me dozens and dozens of hate messages because I disagreed with a large portion of the fandom and because I dared say what I thought out loud. The carrison fandom, at least a big chunk of it, dreams of a fairy tale. Even back when I used to post a lot about carrison, in the beginning, I never envisioned it that way. I always guessed they were two people who got along and who decided to blow off some steam while on set because they could. I figured, because of many pictures/interviews/accounts that Carrie might have had feelings, but I never pictured Harrison caring that much. Was I right? Absolutely. What did the other part of the fandom think? Love story of a knight in shining armor, coming to the rescue of 19-year-old Carrie Fisher, lost on a strange movie set in England around 1976. Listen, this is a caricature, but people actually hoped for something this “romantic” and cheesy. They still hold on to that dream today, because some people actually think Carrie misinterpreted the whole thing because she was “too young”, “too inexperienced”, “too intimidated”. What a load of fucking bullshit. I can’t believe actual women can say such shit like that. We all know how Carrie was. Even at 19. Her book says it all: she was sadly very much aware of the nature of their relationship. It wasn’t meant to go beyond fucking a few times a week and then going back to their “normal” lives. Do I believe something may have happened between them during filming of ESB? Yeah, I do honestly. Do I think it was serious? Absolutely not. But that’s what I think. I think this fandom needs to grow up and face the facts as they are presented now and accept them. Some people have embarassed themselves so much because of carrison, it’s insane.

So here it is anon. Now you can all start losing your shit in my inbox and unfollowing me. :’)

[phantasticreblogs-blog]

Behind the Camera

summary: 2009!Phan after they first met and when they’re recording Phil Is Not On Fire. Confessing feelings for one another

Words: 2,713

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"When will I finally get to meet you?" The brown haired boy whined at the camera as he looked through the screen that separated him from the only person that truly enjoyed his company.

"Soon." The black haired boy smirked and locked eyes through the screen with the one boy who truly made life worth living.

"Promise?"

"Pinkie Promise."

*Oct. 25th, 2009*

The boys eyes met as Phil awaited for Dan's arrival in the terminal. Dan's eyes swelled with tears as he confronted the man that haunted him through the screen.

"What are you waiting for?" Phil yelled through the room, arms open, and waiting for them to be filled by the brown eyed boy. Dan raced across the room, not caring about the many stares he was getting from the other people. With his luggage in hand, only weighing him down, he finally dropped them, hesitating, afraid that it's all just an illusion, before jumping into Phil's comforting embrace

. "You're a sight for sore eyes," Dan croaked out, backing up from Phil's hug, and looking into Phil's crystal blue eyes, rimmed with tears of joy.

"You're shorter than I expected," Phil laughed, tears springing to his eyes, scruffing Dan's already messy hair. Dan pushed his hand away in protest, "Are you actually real?" Dan asked in wonder, still amazed by the sight of the man that saved him from a life of hate, and misery. He poked Phil in the abdomen making sure that he wasn't just some hallucination that was in front of him.

"As far as I know, yes I am most definitely real, want a picture?" Phil scoffs, acting like Dan was just another fan before him, joking obviously, the playful smirk across his face giving it away.

"Don't joke with me, I'm hungry and don't be mean to me when I'm hungry," Dan pouts, sticking his tongue out at Phil, and picking up his littered luggage on the ground.

"Well let's fix that I have food waiting for you at my flat," Phil nodded towards the door to leave, and then grabbed Dans hand before he could pick up his bags, "Let me, you just carried it all the way over here," He grabbed Dan's bags and walked towards the doors that lead to the autumn weather outside.

Dan dragged behind, watching his knight in shining armor. The one who saved him from a terrible fate. A world of self-hate, and self-pity. He watched him walk away outside and sighed, because Phil will never feel the same as Dan does. With no deep and longing love possessed inside of him like there was in Dan. Phil walked outside into the chilly air, and thought about the young boy who has been entered into his life, haunting him. He realized that he could never have someone like him, that Dan would never feel the same way as he did.

--------------------------------

"I have an assortment of snacks laid out for you, I didn't necessarily know what to get you besides Maltesers so I got a little bit of everything," Phil went on, as he showed Dan the large variety of chips, soda, and candies, but the only thing that really stood out to Dan was the pile of Maltesers in the middle of the pile.

"Good job, you know me so well," Dan laughed as he grabbed two bags of Maltesers, "I'm guessing that you have no cheese for me to nibble on?" Dan joked teasing Phil about his Cheesephobia.

"Don't joke about that you know I don't like to bring that topic up." Phil joked with a serious tone, grabbing an assortment of chips and candies and running to his room, leaving Dan behind.

"Wait! I don't know where this house leads to, wait for me!" Dan tries to keep up with Phil, but ultimately loses him, and wanders up the stairs trying to figure out what room each lead to, "This house is something straight out of The Shining... This looks ominous," Dan breaths out, as he stalked towards a door that had a paper taped to the front that read "PHIL'S ROOM" on the front, and Dan giggled as he walked into the room.

"Where did you go? Did you get lost in your own flat?" He shouted as he walked into a dark room. Dan fumbled around as he tried to find a light switch, and when he found one, he got a first look at what Phil's room actually looked like in person instead of through a cheap laptop screen. He took in everything he could, to possibly get to know Phil better. For one, Dan observed how messy his room actually was, and made a mental note to yell at Phil about how Dan could not stay under these conditions. He laid his eyes on the small makeshift bed that he would be staying on for the time being kiddie corner to Phil's bed. Phil's bed was draped with a fluffy blue and green comforter that matched the wallpaper of the room. It looked as if you could lay on it and you would be engulfed in the sheets and instantly put into a state of peaceful sleep.

"Phillllll, where are you?" Dan whined as he laid down on his bed and absent mindfully began to fall asleep on the overly comfortable mattress, "Please don't fall asleep, that would be the most boring thing to do. Watch you sleep." Phil complained as he walked into the room with various recording equipment. Keeping to himself that he looked really adorable and peaceful all curled up on his bed,

"I call your bed," Dan yawned as he sat up from Phil's bed and rubbed his eyes, meeting Phil's and his eyes traced over his arms full of the equipment, "So that's where you were."

"Ya I thought we could make a video or something, and you absolutely do not call my bed. Chug a red bull, you're not falling asleep tonight so there will be no need for a bed any way," Phil tosses the can filled with the energizing liquid to Dan, and sets up his camera. "I put an 'Ask Dan and Phil' hashtag on Twitter so maybe we'll get questions to do like a Q&A video or something if you're awake for it,"

"I'll do it if I get to pick the questions," Dan replies opening the red bull and chugging it's contents, "I mean it's the least I can do as your guest; pick out the best questions for you. Especially if you won't let me sleep in this heavenly bed of yours."

"I guess you can," Phil fake sighs and hands Dan his laptop, and a notepad to write down questions that he likes, "Don't take too long because I don't want to film a lot because editing takes so much time,"

"Oh ya you should give me some editing tips," Dan replied with a smile on his face as he started writing sloppily with his left hand on the notepad. "Oh ya sure, if you want," Phil smiled and laughed, "You know there are better people you could ask for editing tips right? I mean yeah I have a partial degree with editing but it's not that great... Are you ready or do I still need to wait for you?" Phil teased after trailing off, and he sat in front of the camera, now finished with setting it up.

"Give me a second I only have like three questions written down, we have to at least make this interesting." Dan scoffed, continuing to write down some random questions from fans on the notepad, laughing at ones that don't make much sense, but would still be fun to put in.

"Oh ya Danisnotinteresting instead of Danisnotonfire," Phil laughed at the terrible joke he came up with as Dan gave him a look that could kill, "I'm going to change my username at some point I just need a good idea." "Yeah, yeah okay. Your channel name is iconic though,"

"Stop seriously, I'm not a fan of it but I don't know what else to choose though before I start an actual fan base."

"You have me that's all the fans you need," Phil joked, and turned towards the camera, and Dan's face began to turn red,

"Okay I'm ready," Dan closed the laptop, trying to get rid of the obvious blush in his cheeks and sat next to Phil, "You can press record now," Dan ripped the sheet off of the notepad and held it in his hand getting ready for the camera to start recording.

"Okay Danny what's the first question," Phil looked into his eyes with a perfectly straight face as Dan gave him an 'are you kidding me' look as Phil proceeded to laugh,

"Why are you so mean to Dan?" He asked acting like he was reading it off the paper, and Phil kept laughing,

"I'm never mean to Dan I promise," Phil smiled, and looked into Dan's eyes with sincerity, and compassion, "I could never be mean to the one person who doesn't pretend to be my friend."

"That's what I thought. Okay first question, If you had to lose your leg or your nose, which would you lose?" Dan read off the paper looking at Phil, "I'd lose my leg, imagine my face without a nose," Phil put his hand up to his face imagining how different his face would look without a nose,

"Voldemort has no nose, and Voldemort's pretty fit to be honest," Dan replied, looking seriously into the camera.

"I already look like Voldemort look at me," Phil laughed as he got closer to the camera,

"I'd bang Voldemort," Dan instantly regretted saying that as Phil turned towards him, with a questioning look on his face, "Leave me alone with my thoughts Phil, thanks." Dan replied, playing it off cool, mentally screaming at himself. "Ninja, or Pirate?" Dan began to read off the paper again, and Phil took a moment then replied,

"Ninja," Phil responded continuing to make noises that were supposed to resemble a Ninja, and Dan watched in silent at the dark haired boy, being himself even though a camera was pointed at him. He didn't care who watched him, or what they thought. If they liked him or hated him. If they were mean to him or nice to him. He just wanted to make videos, and be happy making videos, no fake presence possessed him at the sight of a camera, it wasn't a stage act. It was all real.

"Dan?" Phil snapped his finger in front of Dan, getting his attention, "Are you okay? You kind of spaced out there."

"Ya I'm fine, just thinking about nothing." Dan responded, and began reading off of the paper again.

They proceeded with the video, laughing, and having fun, until one question was asked,

"Why do you always put cat whiskers on your face?" Dan asked looking at Phil, puzzled.

"I never put cat whiskers on my face." Phil replied laughing at the question. "You could start?" Dan asked reaching into one of Phil's drawers and grabbing a black marker, and looking into the camera.

"Dan what are you doing?" Phil asked while watching Dan open the sharpie cap and begin putting cat whiskers onto his face, while looking at himself through the camera.

"What does it look like?" Dan responded finishing off his final whisker, then turning to look at Phil, "Your turn," He handed Phil the sharpie and tried convincing him to put on the whiskers, before Phil finally agreed and started drawing messy whiskers on his face.

Dan started meowing in Phil's face, and Phil pushed his face away, trying not to kiss him instead, but only Phil needed to know that,

"Stop," Phil laughed, a hint of red coming to his cheeks, "Next question please," "What noise does a Giraffe make?" Dan chuckled, and Phil made the weirdest noise he could make and Dan looked puzzled,

"Every animal makes that noise with you,"

"Would you eat ham, everyday, for the rest of your life, if you got paid a million pounds for every month you lived?"

"Yes, although, I'd probably die of ham poisoning," "Ham overload," "Ham overdose," "Ham," "Ham,"

"What are we doing?" Dan asked laughing, "If anyone walked in they'd think we're crazy,"

"We are a little crazy though," Phil replied with a shrug of his shoulders,

"You make me crazy I can't help it," Dan laughed out and tried to hide the obvious blush arising to his cheeks,

"Is Daniel Howell actually blushing in front of me?" Phil put his hand on his heart and tried to act as flattered as possible without laughing,

"I can't help it, you're just so attractive," Dan replied, adding a fake sense of sarcasm to make it seem like a joke, although no matter how many times he told himself don't blush it's a joke he only got more red.

Phil proceeded to also turn red and adverted his eyes away from Dan's looking at anything that could distract him from looking at this boy that haunted him. "May I stroke your glabella?" Dan read from the sheet in an attempt to make it seem like the events that just happened never did,

Phil instantly started giggling, "What's a glabella?"

"Let's find out what a glabella is!" Dan giggled with a big smile on his face and got up to retrieve Phil's laptop.

They proceeded with questions for the rest of the night, laughing to the point where tears sprang to their eyes. Eventually though they realized it had to come to an end,

"Phil?" Dan looked at the boy and gained his attention. His beautiful ocean eyes locked with his and Dan couldn't stare at them for more than 10 seconds without a blush tinting at his cheeks. He looked back at the camera,

"This was the most fun I've ever had,"

Phil threw himself on Dan, bringing him to the ground, pinning him to the ground, straddling him,

"I had fun too," Phil smiled, his face inches from Dan’s. Quickly that smile disappeared as his face became bright red, and his grip on Dan's wrists loosen, but were still around them. "I-I'm sor-sorry," Phil stammered as he rose to get off of Dan, once Dan’s wrists were free Dan grabbed Phil's face and pressed his lips against Phil's. Something he'd wanted to do for so long. Something he never thought he'd be able to bring himself to do.

Dan backed away from the kiss, eyes wide, and full of shock, "N-Now I'm s-s-sorry, I Sh-shouldn't have done th-that," Dan stumbled on his words as he recollected his thoughts and processed what just happened. He just kissed Phil Lester, Phil FUCKING Lester. Dan slowly looked back at Phil, and all Phil did was stare at him. Stare at this boy who had the courage that Phil has been looking for since he saw Dan in the terminal, since Dan got to his house, since they started filming together. Dan looked away and started to move to get up, "D-Don't be sorry," Phil got out as he quickly grabbed Dan's hand, pulling him back down next to him. Dan couldn't.., wouldn't look at him, his red face flushed with both his blush, and his desire to not cry in front of him. His dark brown eyes were rimmed with tears, almost falling below his water line.

"Why are you sad? Someone so gorgeous has no need to cry. You're too beautiful for that," Phil gently turned Dans head towards him and looked at him in the eyes, a single tear fell from Dan's right eye and Phil watched it fall down his face.

"I didn't think you cared the same way I do," Dan croaked out, his voice scratchy from his attempt to hold back his tears, "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," He started to smile and wiped his eyes with his sweatshirt. "Well if you've wanted to do that as long as I have.., then a really long time," Phil laughed and moved his fringe out from his eyes.

"I really like you Dan,"

"I really like you too Phil,"