#my irl friends are very often called “dear” and “dearest” lol

[butteryheart]

I love to call ppl I'm even slightly friends with petnames but I never know if they'd be okay with it 🥲

[limas-art]

Dear Lima (li-mah? Lee-mah? I'm curious as to how to pronounce it :') ) I'm sorry for spamming your notifs I've just been going through your blog like ✨👀💚 non-stop, your art is incredible! I hope you're doing well, and wanted to say I really appreciate and admire how you tend to post WIP pictures as well as finished ones! I think it's so dadgum neat to see, and I often do it too with my own art :') I also saw you're excited for S2 of Good Omens too :D!!!!

Tex✨💚

Hello dearest Anon! It's pronounced Lee-mah! Fun fact: I only found out very recently that there's a Lima bean out there and people thought I im just very into beans haha (I'm not, an irl friend started me calling me Lima and I just rolled with it). Awww thank you so much!! I am always happy when I see ppl go through my stuff (even tho I am a bit embarrassed of my older art lol)! It really makes me happy and I am so glad you also enjoy my WIPs! I also like to see WIPs from other artists because I think it's super interesting to see how others work and I try to learn from them! I am very excited! I haven't posted much GO content recently and I was getting nostalgic already. I am so looking forward to it and hope to draw more GO fanart again! (I also got better at drawing humans and digital art in the meantime I think haha) Thank you so much for your kind message and I hope you have a wonderful day!!

[airanke]

Ho boy I know that some of you probably read those tags and now you’re really concerned, doN’-- well I guess you can be concerned but I put those tags there as a warning to anyone who doesn’t have the emotional capacity to be able to handle things that are this heavy (I’m basically a lot of weight, I am a burden) so if that bothers you don’t read and you don’t need to be concerned but you’re probably going to be concerned anyway because a lot of ya’ll care about me so regardless of what I say this is concerning.

Can you tell that I am just. Incredibly self aware? I would be the anime character that breaks the fourth wall in an anime series (and here I try to make a joke out of something that is not really a joke but um I tried?)

I guess this is just one of those week’s for me. Y’know the ones where you think about how old you are and how you don’t meet up to the standards of where society thinks you should be when you’re at this age (living alone, doing all your own taxes, paying all your own bills, owning a car, owning a house, drowning in debt because That’s Life Kids).

And then I think about how I’m probably never going to get married (27 still single never dated - mostly because I have had several guys tell me I’m intimidating or something? I’ve been hit on but I always laugh things off), mostly because I actually can’t see myself in a relationship and/or married even though it’s something I would like to have.

Then I wonder if I want to have it because I know my mother and father have dreams about me getting married and how much my mother would love to plan that with me and how it would mean so much to her (and to have grandkids, of course, most mothers want that) and how my dad would love to walk me down the aisle and. They’ll never get to have that and that kills me inside.

Of course once I get on this line of thinking I start thinking about everything else. Like how much I hate myself, how much I dread going to work but when I’m there I’m happy because I love my co-workers but most of the time I just can’t wait to get back home. And then I start thinking about how in a few years I probably won’t have my dearest friend around (or... many of my dear friends probably most likely who knows) and most of those are due to things outside my control. It takes a while to understand that there’s nothing I can do but enjoy my time with people while it lasts.

I should really form relationships outside of the internet but I’m too strange and no one here shares my interests or just has other people that they click with more (or I have people give up on trying to spend time with me just because one time I say no, because I have something else planned or I have DND or I am just too tired or I already went out that day but I said no once so it’s time to give up I guess).

Anytime I try to make plans they almost always fall through so I gave up on that too. I gave up on relationships in general, I don’t try, other people don’t try, so what is the point in trying? Or other people do try and I apparently just decide that I am not worth their time so I don’t respond and so they give up and Mansion is a really good song have you heard it?

What else doesn’t help is that I internalize so much negativity, I remember every single one of my mistakes, all of my jokes are self deprecating in some way, I’m convinced I’m fat because my weight (and gut) are of such concern to my mother (who has body issues as well so don’t say shit about my mother I will literally fight you) even though the fat on my body evenly distributes and hardly affects this so-called hourglass figure that I have.

To top everything off, I know I’m not happy, I acknowledge I’m not happy, and I know I will never be happy (or joyful, for that matter). Most of the time I’m just waiting for it to end, even though I don’t want to die (who really does? Most people who survive attempts on their life realize they never wanted to die in the first place). Any time my parents are gone I expect the next phone call I get or text to get to be that they died and then I’ll have to live all on my own. I will never be capable of being independent, I can hardly take care of myself, my diet is coca cola because I’m too lazy to make actual food.

It’s the little things. I notice the little things. The little things scare me a lot. I sometimes jokingly want to tell people that “I’ll be happy when I’m dead” but how can I be happy when I won’t be alive to be... happy? Lol? How does this make sense to you brain, please explain yourself?

I should probably go see a psychologist / psychiatrist / a doctor but I’m so convinced that there’s nothing wrong with me and that I can’t LET there be anything wrong with me because any time I try to bring it up to anyone (here IRL, most people online are more... idk, open / helpful but also dismissive so I guess what’s up here I am lmao) because I must be Normal. Also I’m cis-het so there literally can’t be anything wrong with me right? Right.

Often times I tell people that the fact that I’m religious is the only reason I’m still around because if not for Christianity I wouldn’t be here and none of you would have met me, but I’m also grossly sexual and when you grow up Christian there is nothing worse than Being Sexual In Any Way Shape Or Form. I had a lot of issues as a child (that I’m not going to talk about lmao because they disgust me and I’m grateful that at the very least I won’t be necessarily held accountable for the dumb fucking shit I did when I was eleven. Hopefully. Maybe. Who knows. But I was a gross kid and I’m still pretty gross as an adult so I don’t know what I really expect lmao, chances are this is probably why I’m single and will always be, and so here my mind goes back to thinking about how my dad will never get to walk me down the aisle and how my mother will never get to plan a wedding with me and that honestly just tears my heart apart and always, always makes me want to cry that I will never be the daughter my parents have wanted).

I don’t even want to talk about half my issues because like I said I literally internalize everything because I trust people but I trust no one. Anytime I make an off-handed comment that is me trying to “get help”, again like I said it’s dismissed (or people can’t talk about it and I understand that the things that go through my mind are heavy and hard to swallow and wow I honestly wonder how I even manage to put up with myself? Wow. I always figured I had an incredibly strong mentality to be able to put myself through what I put myself through and still wake up the next day and roll out to work).

Also we’ll not talk about the fact that I close my eyes when I drive sometimes.

Sorry this is long and dumb I’ll peace out to bed because I can’t not be early to work tomorrow, it’s killing me to be there a minute before I’m supposed to be (I’ll chalk that up to band and how being on time means your late and being early means you’re on time - funny how I could never be on time to anything other than work though. Funny).

Funny.