#my irl friends are either unalive or dont talk to me anymore

[knockmeoutbabe]

Kinda really missing my pen pals tbh

[ultraqrk-a]

tw: suicidal thoughts, covid mention, swearing, 'drama'

I didnt want to come to this, yet here I am, making a post about it. last night, it was a mess. i had to stop everything and go lay down at the things that were happening on my dash + discord groups. I'm not even going to edit this post beside the under read more thing because I'm tired of it. my mental health this year was not the best, in fact I'm pretty sure it was the worst year for me since I could remember. now, I dont want people to feel sorry for me because that's literally not the point of the post, I want people to understand why I'm I'm this post and the things that will happen in the future, but either way I'll explain myself because I feel the need to and wont forgive myself if I don't. I'm sorry if this comes out as 'manipulative', but its literally me just opening up:

last night, it was what kicked it for me. seeing friends argue and just spread things across the dash that I really dont want to mention again, since I want to leave it behind; they completely broke me. well, I didnt want to mention it, but that's kind of what triggered me so much, after all. I started to feel bad the moment I felt something was off, and I just had to leave. I tried to calm down and think clearly and not let my emotions get to me because I wanted to help, I wanted to do something other than what I ended up doing. I was talking with friends at the time, in fact, basically only a few people know what I was going through. unfortunately, not to the whole extent, as I was literally already feeling bad for even bothering them with what i thought. that, and it was bad:

this year, I've lost many irl friends, due to covid( not one died, but I meant figuratively ) and the quarantine. we've lost contact completely, but even then I was already losing them due to personal reasons that i wont mention in this post, since they arent really important at the moment. but that's the main reason why I joined the rpc again: to make friends, to not be so alone anymore. and I made friends, met wonderful people in here that I love to talk to whenever I can, or whenever I have energy to. because I'll be honest, I simply am not able to keep up conversations for long anymore, and that's totally my fault. the whole quarantine thing really fucked me up on that matter.

last night seeing people that I care about go so....against each other, let's put it like that, made me literally sick. I threw up my dinner last night to the point that I was throwing up water only. I cried for basically 4 hours straight, because the thought of losing friends and being forced to choose a side was literally fucking me up completely. my mom likes to call me a sponge: because I absorb the energy that is around me, good or bad, and let it out and end up 'cleaning' the place. if that's the case, I hope it helped someone.

I thought about 'unalive' myself in the beginning of quarantine, when my parents divorced and due to their argument and just how big it was. I thought about it again the moment I couldnt pass my exam, therefore not being able to graduate and literally having to deal with the thought that my friends would leave to university and we would fall even more apart. I thought about it again TWO WEEKS AGO when i was almost kicked out. and i really thought about it again last night, because the literal emotional and physical pain and sickness I was passing through and feeling really wasnt worth it. yet, I didnt because I'm too selfless. I thought about my pets, sisters and the rest of my family, and my friends. I was able to calm down enough to think about it clearly, and grabbed my inhaler the moment I felt my asthma kick in- but, without literally apologizing for what I was about to do before. and just the fact that I even saw that as a valid option, for even just a few minutes, it scares me.

I'm too sensitive and emotional for this type of thing, that's just how I am: or maybe I'm just too nice of a person. either way, I cant help it. I'm almost 19, I shouldn't be literally having grey hairs or losing it because of the stress I felt this year. I shouldn't even have to make this post about how I feel, and I clearly shouldnt even have to feel sick as I write this. yet I truly want to know what people think, and again, that's just a part of who I am I guess.

I already am looking for a therapist, have been for the past couple of months. but because of covid, it's been really really hard to find one that wants to take in new clients( some are scared of catching the virus if they gain new ones ) or even in my city in general.

so, with this whole thing I have decided to stay completely neutral. both sides have made valid and bad points, and I'm too tired to care right now- I literally felt sick trying to choose, to the point that I once again thought about something that I'm sure would scare anyone. and I know I inevitably will lose friends one way or another. I'll be remaking everything: my blog, will drop probably most threads, redo my carrd, my discord. just about everything. I need to get rid of what's stressing me out.

my blog, when I remake it, will most likely be friends only, and I'm not even sure I will be up for events for a while at this point. hell, I'm not even sure I want to continue with the hunger games, but I will surely finish this one to try and make everybody happy again. that's the least I can do when last night I couldn't do anything.

I'm really sorry it came to this point, but for once I really need to think about myself first. if you like this post, I'll know you want to stay my friend.

thank you all - sónia.