#my initial thoughts differ from this but my brain changed course lol

[itshermocrates]

Some thoughts on Vander and Silco's relationship

I already talked about this when Arcane S1 first came out, but now that the show is over and we got to see a different reality where everyone has a good ending (except for Vi I guess) I want to bring back my Silco x Vander thoughts

So yeah, vanco ?? silder ??? post

Even if in Arcane S1 there’s some sort of parallel between Jinx/Powder and Silco + Vi and Vander, in my eyes those two were made for an old man yaoi story

Now that we have seen Jayvik’s evolution and that glimpse of them together in a “better future”, I realized that Vander and Silco (+ Felicia) could have something similar to what was happening initially with Jayce and Viktor (+ Mel)

Two best friends working together for a common cause, one hopelessly in love with the other while his partner can’t see ―or doesn’t want to recognize― his own feelings. Since I already have a Jayvik analysis in my drafts, I’m going to focus on Silco and Vander

This will be half a theory - half a fic + I also posted this on BlueSky so yeah, if you see it there it was also me lol

[Pinning, Unrequited love and love confessions that go wrong ahead]

I think Silco and Vander were the perfect duo back in their youth, together they had the brains and the strength, using both charm and cold logic to make people eager to follow them. What Silco lacked, Vander was able to provide and vice versa. Together they were the greatest leaders Zaun could ever ask for.

They not only completed each other like two puzzle pieces, but also shared a bond that had been nurtured since childhood. They had been facing hardships and Piltover’s aggressions since they were little kids, so it was natural that the years of friendship brought them impossibly close.

Some even said that they could have entire conversations without exchanging a single word.

At some point Silco developed a crush on Vander, how could he not? Despite his strength and sometimes scary appearance, Vander had always been the big sunshine boy who was looking after him. That urge to protect and take care of others seemed to be part of his very essence, and if someone benefited from this, it was his best friend.

Of course, they needed to fight and get dirty in the deepest hellholes of Zaun, but even when Vander got his knuckles drenched in blood, Silco could only see the kind man with bright eyes and a dream for a better life that Vander truly was.

Silco really thought that this new beginning for them was only possible because Vander was there with him, since when hope seemed completely lost, when the circumstances took another member of their little family, Vander always remained firm in his stance. They would find a way, they would fight back, they would keep pushing forward and they wouldn’t stop until they finally had the future they deserved.

Oh, wasn’t he convincing? Always the beacon in their times of need, who else could lead them out of their misery?

Vander’s kindness was disarming, and his light was so bright that Silco couldn’t help but fall in love with him. He loved him so deeply it made him feel sick, but he could do nothing about it. Vander had been in love with Felicia for almost as long as Silco had loved him, and even if she wasn’t really interested in him, there was no way that man could get over his emotions.

Just like Silco himself couldn’t make his own feelings go away. He pinned for years, forcing himself to hide how he felt so nothing changed between them and he didn’t lose his best friend. He had to protect their friendship, but, above everything else, he had to protect their dream of a free nation for Zaun.

Silco pinned and suffered in silence until he couldn’t take it anymore, until his unrequited love felt like an open wound badly infected, moments away from killing him. Then, and only then, he confessed.

Vander didn’t make a huge deal out of it, he was understanding and visibly confused. It was an awkward situation, but he could be nothing but kind, even as he broke Silco’s heart. Of course, he didn’t feel the same.

Or maybe he did, but he was too blind to see it, too infatuated by the idea of a future with Felicia to give a shot to a real future with him.

Vander had used a very familiar word to excuse his lack of introspection, one that served him as a shield while unknowingly harming Silco as if it had used the sharpest of blades.

“Silco, you’re my brother…”

They used brotherhood a lot to describe their relationship. Their found family, their friends, their allies in the Zaun revolution and even the fucking pilts, they all could see how deeply they cared for each other. And every time that was the reason they assumed to be behind their bond.

No one could ever deny the love in their eyes, the protective gestures, the smiles... It was obvious, but everyone assumed that what they shared was a blood bond. For Silco it was much more than some stupid liquid running through their veins, what they shared had been built over years of companionship, years of pain and struggle, blood was fucking nothing in comparison. Their souls were connected in a way no one could ever imagine or understand.

And Vander knew this. He knew how strong their bond was, but he hadn't really asked himself if what he felt for Silco was something more than brotherhood. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do if it wasn’t the case either, but he didn’t go as far as to truly consider it.

Vander didn't know how to react to Silco's confession, he didn’t want to hurt him or change their world forever. He was happy as they currently were, it was easy to live with Silco as a brother, but he didn’t know what was waiting for them if he ever allowed himself to analyze his own feelings.

Because of this, and completely unaware of the pain he was causing, Vander uttered that seemingly harmless word that Silco couldn’t stand anymore.

Brother.

The softness in his tone didn’t make it any less devastating. The pain in his eyes, as he knew how badly he was breaking Silco's heart, didn’t make it easier to hear.

The countless "I love you"s he pronounced after that, reassuring that even if it was not the same feeling, Silco was still one of the most important people in his life didn’t soothe the agony of his reopened wound.

None of that mattered.

Because he didn't feel the same as Silco.

The same word that once had been forced on them was now stronger than anything he had built together.

Silco didn't want to feel that pain, he couldn't allow it to stay inside his chest, not when it was so profound.

So he decided to leave The Last Drop. It would be only for a couple of days, to distance himself a little from the source of his pain and try to stitch close that damned cut.

During that time, alone and completely heartbroken, he focused on thinking of ways to achieve the goal they had been fighting for since they were teenagers. The Zaunite revolution and Zaun’s independence. He ignored his pain and used all his anger to plan their next move in their fight against Piltover, thinking of new ways to finally defeat their enemy.

It was during those days, blinded by the pain of his aching heart, that he understood they could only win against Piltover if they showed their true nature to the world. He knew by then that they needed to be more aggressive in their methods and destabilize, not only their government, but also their peace.

Let their own people know what monsters they had for leaders.

Let the people of Piltover suffer the same pain they had suffered since the very moment the City of Progress came to be.

The fight had turned into a way for him to forget his own suffering, and in his anguish, provoking pain to others stopped feeling wrong at all if that meant they could get closer to their goal of freedom.

It was at this point where the conflict with Vander started. Suddenly, the word "brothers" didn't quite fit them anymore, it seemed too caring for them. Now it was a word pronounced in a low voice, and when it was Silco the one saying it, his tone could only express disgust. He rolls his eyes as if the word was some sort of sick joke he hated to voice out loud, a reminder of what could never be.

Silco’s pain is a heavy weight preventing them both from going back to what they once had, and seeing this wounded Vander every single time his friend reminded him of his rejection. This, and how differently they started to approach their fight, made them step further and further away from the other.

And when they saw each other during important meetings, Silco threw the word “brother” extremely carelessly, always with the intention to wound Vander instead of calming him and expressing how much he still loved him.

It had turned into a word that neither of them could ever forget, and that would hunt Silco until the end of his days.

It had turned into a word that neither of them could ever forget, and that would hunt Silco until the end of his days.

[There's still a lot of resentment in Silco's expression, and in this scene before saying brother, Silco rolls his eyes. The man was PISSED]

In conclusion, I think "brother" was Silco and Vander's equivalent of Jayvik's "partner" and I bet Viktor was pissed as hell everytime he heard someone reffering to him as Jayce's partner AND JUST THAT, for both scientific pride and his hopeless crush on Jayce Talis.

[chadfallout76podcast]

"Deah Shroud!: A Nick Valentine Mystery" EXPLAINED and AMA

It never occurred to me to do this last year, but a lot of people have asked me questions about our Fallout 4 play in the last year in the Discord, so I wanted to open an AMA but also explain "Death Shroud!" and some of the broader themes involved in it.

**SPOILERS AHEAD**

Part 1: Pre-production

Before I get into the story, I wanted to explain how this production even came about. Over the years after working together on some official community projects with Wes Johnson through Bethesda, we became good friends. I took a couple of his acting classes and he talked about the Fallout For Hope charity initiative I started and asked for help in organizing the gaming community for his Alzheimer's Association fundraiser. The idea was to host a month-long digital event of discussion panels, game shows, improv and a play with as many different voices of video games, film and TV as we could round up. In our second year of his VoiceAPalooza fundraiser, I wanted to do an original old time radio show and see if could bring back as many of the cast that we could from Fallout 4. It was Wes who first suggested an adventure with his Silver Shroud character (that he voiced in Fallout 4's radio plays) teaming up with Nick Valentine (voiced by the amazing Stephen Russell). Valentine is, for me, one of the best written, unique companions in Fallout lore.

So, I reached out to Stephen Russell who had joined us before for charity work and he was all in on bringing Nick Valentine back to life! After that things moved fast with Bethesda's Pete Hines and Emil Pagliarulo joining us to have some fun for a good cause. We tried to get EVERY companion from Fallout 4 that we could, but schedule wrangling is tough, and some people are just impossible to track down or find. Matt Mercer would've loved to have joined us as Macready, but unfortunately scheduling didn't work, so the best we could manage would be a holotape (the only reason our snarky gun running merc had to take the big sleep in the story).

After having everyone plugged in to reprise characters, it was time to put fingers to keys and find the story...

Part 2: The Deep Lore

The origin of this story started with a thought: how would the NPC's and characters we love perceive modification of their universe by us? We, as players aren't the true creators of this universe or these characters (Bethesda is). If anything, we the players are the equivalent of "lesser gods", reshaping it in new ways, unexpected and subjective ways, and sometimes even chaotic ways (I'm looking at you avalanche of adult mods with realistic jiggle physics and Thomas the Tank Engine Vertibird).

It started with a mental image of the small ways in which we start out modding games, or even the first mods we (using the "Engine of Creation) actually create. I had a mental image of Magnolia doing her thing, singing away sultry in a crowded and smoky third rail when she looks one way, back the next and sees new curtains. A subtle thing, something a little startling, but in a universe where recreational drug use is met with a YEEE YEEEE WHEEEE...a change you simply dismiss as being overtired or a little too juiced.

I'm a sucker for old time radio. I grew up listening to classic radio horrors like The Whistler, Suspense, and Lights Out on vinyl records and cassette tapes when I'd spend summers with my grandmother on a little island off the coast of Canada. Getting the tone, feeling and sound to stage an old-time radio show was the easiest part of this whole process...it's baked into my brain lol. The key of course is finding the right narrative voice.

Enter: Bill Lobley. If you play Fallout 76, he is the announcer for the "Tales from the West Virginia Hills" holotapes, but before that he's a prolific voice actor, maybe best known for his role as the truly vile Jeremiah Fink in Bioshock: Infinite. He has a FANTASTIC transatlantic voice for old time radio and was perfect as narrator in the script.

Part 3: What Is Going On?!?!

I had the base idea, the voices to pull it off, but what was the meaning and message of the whole thing? I always start there. From a meta experience level, the story is about dealing with subjective reality that’s being torn apart. After Fallout 4 launched in vanilla, we the players changed that world and reshaped it with mods. The small changes in perceived reality are meant for the omniscient player (us) and are not meant to be perceived by the characters themselves...and yet, what if they were? And if they were...WHY?! The answer was right in front of me: there's a difference between something born into a world and something MADE into a world.

You take someone like Magnolia or Nick, both synths, that obviously weren’t naturally born from two people. They were conceived as an idea...a human idea sure, but still they were made, not born. Without even needing to say in the script, the Trickster from the Grognak comic books who shouldn't exist yet does IS also an idea. Some MADE into a world but not born...a different world sure, but still the creation of it. Nick, Magnolia, any synth as ideas themselves would sense that the world was wrong and being changed in a way no one else would because of fundamentally who they are and what they represent.

Everything that unfolds is because Nora as a keystone event in the Commonwealth, a focal point of the causal nexus making her a unique entity in that world. A causal nexus is the link between a cause and its resulting effects and ignore the science mumbo jumbo, because here's an example of how that works:

The Sole Survivor, Nora, listened to Kent's message, chose to answer him and put on the outfit of the Silver Shroud. As a unique figure she shifted perceived reality of everyone in the Commonwealth by becoming the Silver Shroud, acting like him and making people believe that a fictional character exists.

Unfettered belief and faith in an idea = manifested reality.

Rejected belief and faith in the idea = dispels that reality.

This HAS happened before in Fallout lore in the instance of people with horrifying backstories and personal tragedies choosing to become someone else such as the Mechanist (Fallout 3 and Fallout 4) or even the Ant-Agonizer (Fallout 3). This time however it was a unique figure who did this, a figure fated and meant to reshape the Commonwealth for good, bad or ugly.

This opened a door, the door through which another figure could influence and enter a new universe provided it take the form of something already in it...a reality side-step into the form of the Mechanist. Concurrently, the moment that happened, reality counterbalanced by making the Silver Shroud who was already believed to be real BECOME real as the ying to the Mechanist/Trickster's yang.

Now at home in reality, the Trickster found himself very much alive and unbound by story but had very little power to do much at all. He needed something more, an idea and faith that already existed in the Commonwealth with the infinite universe of ideas made, but not born like himself. His goal wasn't power, it was to sow chaos, reshaping reality into a realm for any and every idea despite the consequences to reality itself.

So what did he need? The belief in the Old Gods and a focus point of belief in the idea: a staff. The universe is as adaptive as it is remarkable and where the Mechanist had its opposite: the Silver Shroud, the Trickster needed its twin: enter Sheogorath...because what better staff to tear apart and reshape reality than the Staff of Sheogorath. There is a quest added in the new Skyrim Anniversary Edition in which you can build it for yourself with a few items: Branch of the Tree of Shades, Ciirta's Eye, Fork of Horripilation. In this universe it would have to fashioned with things FROM this universe.

Two eyes were needed:

The eye of a True Believer: Kent Connolly

The eye of a True Seer: Mama Murphy

Affixed to the top of a staff of the purest heartwood from a Twice Born Tree. Living wood from Harold, born a man who eventually mutated into a living tree.

Lastly, it had to be soaked in the tears of ages end: barrels of radiated blessed waters courtesy of the Cult of Atom.

The Trickster had no magic of his own in this universe in which to act, but thankfully courtesy of some powerful allies, he was able to make contact with shadowy cults and worshippers of the old gods who gave him the name of someone truly of faith in the old magic to make all of this work: Jebediah Blackhall, who in this spin of the universe did unfortunately get his hands on the cursed book: the Krivbeknah.

Finding allies was all too easy, as the events post main quest left the Commonwealth changed. To many, the Sole Survivor and his/her companions would be hailed as heroes. To others, they would be villains, particularly in light of what Nora CHOSE to do to the Railroad to end the synth threat for good. That's a lot of blood on the hands of heroes...

As the Mechanist/Trickster, Blackall and the Lombardos began using the staff, its changes and shifts in reality rippled backwards through time, as changing one specific thing would change its entire existence. You change some curtains and the manufacturer of those curtains only every made one pattern...the world object becomes changed universally. Tapping into the Engine of Creation to make these changes, leaves anyone MADE not born aware of them as they don't fit into the design as it shifts around them. Nick, Danse, Magnolia would all feel and see it, be thrown off for a bit before settling into the changed reality state.

At the climax when everything starts falling apart and you get everyone from GlaDOS and the Joker strolling on in, the only way to end it all is to separate the Trickster from the Staff and restore the saved intended state of reality. The Silver Shroud finds himself powerless against the Trickster...only someone from this universe would be able to intercede, hard wired into the Engine of Creation itself as an existing element connected throughout its framework and history. After sending the Trickster off packing to the moon (thanks GlaDOS), but its a little too late for reality. It collapses around them, finding themselves elsewhere...the point between the mind, creation and the outcome of reality.

After the Shroud fades away, Nick has the power and choice to roll the universe, his universe back along the tapestry of choices that led him here. They all were haunted by the choices they made the first time around, something Nora couldn't live with...that ultimately led her relationship with Danse to fall apart. So Nick decides to go back further, as far back as he can go and he finds himself back in his office with Ellie waking him up.

There are consequences to what he's done, that he's not yet aware of, ones that will become clear in our next episode. The synths remember, as he remembers...Danse, Magnolia and everyone else remembers the fall of the Institute. They all find themselves at their starting point, moving towards their intended fated position to encounter the Sole Survivor. For Nick? He's starting down the path that will led him to be held prisoner and meet the Sole Survivor for the first time.

As he'll soon discover however, things don't play out the same way this time. Moreover, while he was rolling back reality to an early saved state, he made a huge mistake and completely forgot about something and someone so incredibly important...

You'll have to wait to see what that is...

[skzdarlings]

ooooohhh!!! that ask game is so fun!!! I have so so so many questions about all your fics and thought processes, I'd spend all week asking you everything I wanna know and picking your brain!! your so talented and I feel like I'd learn so much!! but imma contain myself to just one..... (maybe two, but I don't want to overwhelm you!)

↻ FLIP FLOP: send me a scene from one of my fics and I’ll describe or write it from another character’s POV!

right from the beginning I've been so so curious about Felix's POV in The Bodyguard series and there's so so so many moments I'd want to see from his perspective, but the one I'm most curious about is when the reader gets taken by Miroh's men and he chases after her and rescues her then drives into a cornfield to fuck her.... that whole sequence had me out of my MIND and I would LOVE to see it from Felix's pov. like, i HAVE to know what he was thinking and feeling throughout all of that!! (if that's something you're up for, obviously 😊)

I'm sorry to hear the writing isn't going well, i know how that feels. but I hope you know that you are superb and an inspiration!! I hope you have a wonderful week!! 🫶🏼🫶🏼

-yongbbokkie 🤗💙

ahhhhh love ya thank you so much!! your username popping up always delights me, send me anything bc i am more than happy to answer!! <333

i will probably just describe rather than write the scene bc lbr i can't be trusted not to drop another 100k words, but YES. that scene! oh wow where to start. this is gonna be a long rant lol sorry

felix slowly develops a lot of feelings and emotions over the course of that story, not just romantic ones but also sadness and anger and fear. by that chapter in the story, it is clear he is starting to feel everything a lot more strongly than he did before. that includes a lot of frustration, anger, and resentment towards reader's father and his operation. reader even mentions felix's frustration with her father's men, that he thinks they're badly organized and incompetent and that he's better than them. felix also seems to think similarly of her father. i do not think he is even a little bit happy to be trapped in this bargain lol

said father definitely underestimates felix overall. he thinks he has a well-behaved guard dog on a leash and is seemingly unaware he has barely managed to tether a very dangerous and angry wolf.

in that scene, when she first texts felix her whereabouts, felix's reply is mostly dry and a little annoyed (he isn't happy when he gets behind). he says something like 'thats what your father gets for sending his men to watch you.'

he turns on her location so her father's men can pick her up. he would be the first to see when she suddenly changes direction, moving too quickly away from the scene. he probably tries to contact her but obviously gets no reply.

he immediately knows something is wrong. he knows her. he isn't surprised by her initially slipping away (hence his dry retort) but he knows she runs so someone will find her, that she acts out so she will get attention, so it makes no sense she would turn and run now.

he knows it's not right. he tries reporting it but gets ignored, hand-waved, her father's team eye-rolling and saying they have it under control, that she's just being a pest like always. he knows that's not true. he knows her too well and this is not her. when her location tracking abruptly stops in place, it confirms it for him.

he knows there's zero point in trying to get through the arrogant blockheads so he takes matters into his own hands. he takes a truck - i imagine there are landscapers who upkeep the property and there was one nearby - and he swings in and drives off.

felix was not just another worker under miroh but a very particular kind. i imagine he knows miroh's maps of the city different than someone else. when he tracks her last known direction, it's like the rest of the map glows on the screen. it's practically second-nature to fill in the gaps.

there is a part of him that probably doesn't want it to be true - doesn't want to risk going back that way, doesn't want to know who's waiting on the other end, doesn't want everything with miroh to blow up in his face now when he isn't ready for it.

but more than all that, he can't lose her. and he certainly won't lose her to miroh the way he lost everything else. he goes straight towards the facility he knows exists, quickly and swiftly finding the car that took her.

i think there's a part of the old felix that comes back during that confrontation, that the adrenaline of the entire encounter and the threat it poses completely takes over him.

i think it isn't until she's in his arms that it goes away, that he realizes they're both here and alive and that tonight could have gone very, very, very differently. i think a part of him was expecting it. he has been resigned to his own death for a long while, before he even came to this household, and when she throws herself at him with all that passion and affection it's probably the first time he realizes he really, really doesn't want to die after all.

they're sitting in that car and he tells her father that he has her, that she's safe, that he'll bring her home. i think all his options and possible paths run through his head in the split second before he turns the phone off - considers bringing her right back home and pretending none of this happened, considers driving off with her and never looking back, or -

what he does, which is give into the adrenaline and passion and newfound life right now. he doesn't want something to happen before he's been with her the way he can't stop thinking about. she's a terrifying firework of emotion and bravery and insanity and he doesn't understand her half the time but he wants to, and it's absolutely crazy to him that she would ever look twice in his direction.

(he probably thinks he owes chris a huge apology because, whoops, turns out it's really easy to lose your sense after all.)

he probably tells himself it will only happen that one time because he intends to go back to being solemn and alone etc etc... of course, she's not gonna let that happen, as she drags that half-feral wolf kicking and clawing into a semblance of human happiness - but that comes with time, of which they eventually have a lot ;)

[theropoda]

...... i have. PRAWBLEMS. with the ending but honestly i felt very unwell and gross rn so i had difficulty focusing in the first place, maybe if i watch it again when i feel better ill feel different. under read more bc this got long lol

disclaimer before anyone GETS at me: i am not a critic. im literally just some guy watching a tv show, and i am really more confused than anything so if you really enjoyed the finale and feel like it was the perfect way for the show to end im happy for you! i don't have any intent on arguing it Absolutely Wasn't. this isn't a Hatepost. just me airing my thoughts. that are probably really incoherent bc again, i feel unwell ;_; brain is more focused on my stomach than this damn show

i knew how this was gonna end, i did watch the end of this show before, ive always been familiar w house because i watched episodes of it on tv as a kid with my mom and sister and knew major plot points like amber's death and wilson's cancer and house faking his death and everything but. the details were lost on me. now that i know the details something about them just doesn't jive with me and feel right.

probably related to my earlier post about how even in the final season so much of house is the same. he tried to change for the better but he was still back. i mean the entire premise of the show is about "the disabled addict doctor who struggles to be a person" so if any of these magically stopped being there that'd be stupid ESPECIALLY him being a disabled addict which are so central to his character. so im definitely not complaining about that.

initially i thought him faking his death was insanely reckless but what other choice was available. if he went, Hey, im here! im alive he'd absolutely be going to jail. in jail so far away while his best friend, maybe his only friend would be dying alone. of course he did that. his only choice was ttofake his death to be with wilson. throwing away his whole life and legacy and career and reputation to be with him.

hilson endgame real but also, while watching the whole show i kept going from "tumblr didn't lie these guys are gay" to "Tumblr may have oversold it a bit". but that might just be in the nature of its episodic structure. not e everything is abt wilson there's other people in house's lofe but in that final season everything does speed up, suddenly and become about wilson. which brings me to the whole cancer thing. in my memory of the show from watching it as a kid, Wilson's cancer came up as a plot point WAY earlier and there is much more time to discuss it in the show. to ponder and delve into it, what it means for wilson, for house, for the show. but actually watching the show it feels very sudden....! i felt like the entire cancer thing, which plays so damn heavily into the SERIES FINALE, wasn't explored enough...? it felt rushed. but it might feel like it because well there's a difference between watching a show as it comes out on a schedule vs binge watching it on demand.

and another thing that irked me is- but this is more of a "this personally makes me Feel Sad and Weird" as opposed to genuine criticism is how EVERYONE thinks house is dead except Two People. that's crazy. i have a Thing for closure and knowing things, the truth, im a little paranoid about that, but it just feels insane to me that house's own parents, family, former and current colleges, lovers, everyone... they all think he's dead when he's not. i see how that is, in terms of the Narrative, a good thing? house is truly FREE now. and if other people knew they'd probably call the police. but also that's just kinda horrifying.... I don't know. idk. also wtf cuddy wasn't there at the funeral? D: obviously i know how their last meeting went but they were such big part of each other's lives im rlly shocked she wasn't there! or even showed up at ALL in the ending scene where we see where everyone's life has headed, a little scene of her, Rachel, and someone new

and also. ._. how did that fire even start in the first place?..... did i miss something....? uaaaaah. i should watch it again

ugh but despite my peeves. i want to pass this off as Just another show ive watched, time to move on to the next, because a big part of the reason i started house and kept going and even chose to watch it at the times i did was because i have been going through some rough shit mentally for the past. entire year plus. i have relied on it to keep me distracted. i want to just move onto the next distraction but i have become so attached, it's hard to not feel :/ and :( about 1) the fact it's over now 2) it ended in a way that makes me feel funny, and not in a good way. aaaahhhhh.

[my-jokes-are-my-armour]

Tell the story backwards

You know, sometimes there is a small detail that triggers something in your brain that makes you see another perspective on something you know. 

Maybe you already did the connections and I am late to the party 😅, but this is my own recent journey through this clip and photoshoot (but mostly the clip).

I already pointed out that the teaser clip for Ruin is reversed. But I didn't try to reverse it until not so long ago. Because I thought it was easy to determine mentally what was the initial take. But well… imagining something and seeing something are two different things, one should know lol.

So that was when I noticed just a few days ago that the clock on the fireplace had a central position in the global picture that everything began.

Don't get distracted, this is the clock that I am showing there 😅 

Now, before returning to the "time" component of my analysis, I want to point out that the recurring visual theme of darkness for Joey's character and light for Madeleine's is back here too. And this is really present in this photoshoot. Madeleine is often shown in the light or toward the light, whereas Joey is often shown in a darker space or in a darker way.

The arrow of time

So ! Seeing the clock as central, I began to think about time. And my mind spiraled around the idea of time. What if time was important ?

In their songs the passing of time is something important but not really marked per se. Like we know time passes and there are a lot of memories but the songs are more like windows opening on specific moments of someone's life. In Ruin particularly, I have this feeling. This isn't totally chronological but I can imagine there is like one big story that links all the songs together. 

So I wondered. What if that clip was a window to those kinds of moments too ? So I just experimented to see what happens if I reverse the clip and what it is as they filmed it.

First, it changed the way my eyes read the picture. I should have known of course, as I studied that at the uni but I don't go on analysis mode for everything. And I surely didn't do this for this clip when I first watched it 😅.

Zoom out, like it was shown, my eyes mostly stayed on them. Because the room is pretty dark (and they are captivating 😌). But zoom in, my eyes wandered a little bit more on the room before focusing on them. And you know, there is a lot of stuff in this room 😅. Like, did you notice how much alcohol there is ?

Secondly, the scene changed in my mind because I noticed what was really happening between them. And with the song chosen for this, it made sense : Secret World.

For me, the top layer (if I can call that like that) of that song is about youth and passion. About enjoying recklessness while you can. And the rest of the album is pretty much all that went wrong but with a strength in it that helps to go through.

What we see in the clip is nothing of youth and passion, recklessness or anything. This is more of an uncommunicative couple "trapped" together. Maybe it's the turning point in their relationship. So showing us something backward is like the silent wish that things would get back to what they were.

The smile I didn't see before.

If I had to put a word on the feeling that I have while watching this clip, it would be "unhappiness". Madeleine's seems to fade, as she is the only one that looks at us and then looks away and shields herself, her hair hiding her face. 

And I realized while looking at it the other way round why I have this feeling of "fading". It's because she smiles, but reversed, the smile fades to a neutral expression. Whereas, in the correct order we see the smile growing on her face. And her body language is more coherent, especially with Joey's.

Madeleine's character is shielding from Joey's and avoiding his gaze. And she puts us it the confidence, smiling at us at the end. He tries to reach for her while bending to grasp his glass. She turns away, so she closes any interaction they could have had. He doesn't try any further and shields himself in turn.

I have reversed and cut the clip so you can watch both side separately.

The prison of "us"

I said that I have the feeling they are trapped with each other. The composition of the scene and of the picture itself does for most of it. 

First, the format. The ratio is 21:9 I believe, so the picture is quite large and a bit squeezed vertically. And it was shot in a wide angle lens which changes perspectives. 

If you look at the room in two different formats, it gives another impression of the dimensions and space.

In the first shot we can see that there is much more height and the walls seem closer. Also this is a 1:1 Instagram format which makes it like a box. In the clip everything seems wider but with a little bit of claustrophobic feeling. Because everything goes rapidly into darkness around the edges and the verticality is annihilated by the format.

Note : you can see the bottles on the right side on this (bottom) shot.

Then the elements of the picture make strong vertical and horizontal lines, but mostly vertical.

Usually, verticality gives power and height but within this format ratio and inside a dark room, it is more like the bars of a cage. Even the mirror behind them doesn't help to open the space, as the light is too ambient to create an open area. The room is big but the darkness eats the light. And this "prison" feeling can be confirmed by their body language. 

With just this clip, I could write stories. I love it 🥰.

Now I have a little bonus.

Because I went all the way down into my experimentations with time. When I reversed the clip I reversed the music also. And believe it or not Secret Worlds is listenable backwards for the most of it 😅.

Of course, the words are alien and the drums slightly of beat because the sounds are reversed but the melodic parts are incredible. So here is my favorite part backward of Secret Worlds.

Sorry I had to use the clip in slow mo to share because I can't send audio via the app.

See you around 😈

[queerholmcs]

is organic chemistry really that bad? every time someone tells me how terrible it is the little spite demon in my head says "well /i/ would be perfect at it 😤"

if so, what makes it so bad?

i do think organic chemistry is really neat as a concept, and there's really cool stuff happening there—but i scraped through ochem lectures at uni by the skin of my teeth. (which is why i focus on analytical chemistry (love of my life) and ended up in the inorganic department for my doctoral work.)

for some people it's really their thing, and everything clicks for them! i personally had a problem where i would do horribly on the exams, and people would say "oh well you can't just memorize the reactions, you have to understand the mechanisms and do the electron-pushing" and i'd be like "...yeah ok but i thought i did understand it." because i'm definitely better at understanding concepts than memorizing reactions. but the exam scores would prove me wrong. (the wet lab portions of the courses, however—enjoyed those and did fairly well. loved some hands-on work. i do also find amusing the aspect of ochem where you can go from "ok so in theory, on paper, this is the reaction that happens" to "if you actually run this reaction in a lab, you will generate about eight different products. you will get a 10% yield if you are lucky. have fun isolating your desired product.")

i think the difficulty is just that you have to understand the whole mechanism, and how slight differences in the initial structure of the starting material or reagent can result in very different outcomes. i've heard people who loved ochem say that the issue is just that it's taught horribly (similar to what i've heard about upper-level maths courses), but i think it just doesn't mesh with my brain very well for whatever reason. at least in the "you need to Know all of this and answer an exam correctly" setting; i do still enjoy reading an occasional paper about new reactions they're doing, or something. and the mechanisms are cool to look at, as long as i don't have to come up with them on my own.

like, look at this! you can explain why it is that when you mix two things in acidic conditions, you get a new thing, based on electrons and atoms and bonds! and then ochem concepts get applied to biology and you get biochemistry, to explain how the human body works the way it does, from dna to proteins to how drugs get metabolized! (insert "chemistry is the most foundational of all sciences" spiel here. don't tell the physicists i said that. it's a joke.)

anyway. regardless of why ochem has the reputation it does: once a course has that notoriety—good luck changing that public opinion, lol. (realising as i'm getting to the end of this that a bit of that probably also comes from ochem being like a 4th/5th-year premed type course requirement, where you've got a bunch of people taking it who truly probably don't need to know the ins and outs of drug synthesis and might be having a hard time finding it relevant to their work? i was a chem major, so i had it as a 1st/2nd-year course. and also i was a chem major.)

[nahalism]

Have you ever beaten yourself down or felt defected because you couldn’t uphold a routine?

I am going through something like this now. I see people around me who, of course to varying degrees (but some excell in) getting their diet, sleep schedule, studying/working, exercising routine in check, having a plan. And whenever i try, for the love of me, i just cannot uphold it. I can’t be consistent, my brain just doesn’t work like this but i keep hearing that it has improved peoples’ lives so much, developing a routine and sticking to it. And i know me not having one is probably not in my favor (studying whenever i have the ”inspiration” to because otherwise my brain just shuts off no matter how i try to trick myself instead of regularly and smooth sailing through assignments as a result) can’t go to sleep and wake up at the same time every day INCLUDING WEEKENDS can’t eat regularly. So i try to improve myself and chase this but all it does is reflect to me that i am just not able to and it makes me feel even worse about myself. And i personally know people who ARE able to do all of that and i can see it pays off in so many ways, in their life. My thoughts get in the way, my feelings get in the way and they make me pretty much not functional for periods of time and i am not sure if these people experience the exact same „wall” and they consistently push through it or if maybe my wall is just a big higher and stronger than theirs sometimes. I feel like my brain is against me, truly. (Probably relevant to mention that i do have some mental problems overall which could be affecting all i mentioned and the way i function, it still feels so defeating to me)

such a long message, i am sorry. i hope you are love lately x

hey beautiful <3. my reply will be equally as long if not longer so no need to be sorry :)

yes. lol just, yes. ive been through the exact same feelings that you describe and even though i struggle less now, i struggle less only as a consequence of my ability to be kinder and more tolerant of myself, not because ive magically changed into someone different. — ill try to explain what i did to help but ill be honest, theres only ever been one solution for me which is to do the work. its hard, its lonely, no one comes to help, or to save you, they even stop pretend ing to care. people will try to support you, but despite best intentions may fall short or lack the capacity to give you what you actually need. so you have to be the one. you have to carry yourself over the finish line, often at the cost losing things, people and parts of yourself that you think you love and cant do without (its soul wrenching but worth the initial discomfort, i promise). every breakthrough is hard earned and often doesnt even feel like the cherry on the top that its supposed to be. so the only way to find the will to keep going is to enjoy the challenge of the journey and learn to love what choosing to 'carry your own cross' is developing in you.

1) the first thing i had to do was make that cross worth carrying for myself. not because id been told to do it, had to do it, or because 'self care' is important, but because I was priority enough to myself that i found the willpower to see it though. to make that possible i had to understand why i was my number one priority, and then make my actions reflect that. it sounds heroic but it looked like excavating my soul, saying no to anything i didnt want to do, and anything i did out of obligation. that included essays, exams, my job, friends, family. maybe that sounds extreme but i realised that all those things meant nothing if the person who was meant to be showing up for them didnt want to be alive/was in anyway unhealthy, or was so dysfunctional that they showed up as a semi sane version of themselves. my whole personality was a trauma response, and even despite the trauma i had to look at what i was doing to create the circumstances i was unhappy with. going from responding unconsciously to consciously choosing my actions was brutal. all of this sounds empowering but it often looks and feels shambolic & looks like being a fuck up. i literally appeared to the outside world like someone who had gone off the edge and was failing at life. for context, making the choices im talking about led to me retaking a year at uni, being a ghost to everyone and everything in my life, having panic attacks every night because despite feeling like i was doing the right thing i had no evidence it would work and no idea how id make it out & all this lasted for way after i graduated so people were looking at me crazy :). HOWEVER, its also how i learned to draw, how i restored my relationship with myself, how i found the passion and excitement to work toward a goals i had set (not the ones set for me). i also became confident for the first time in my life. like actualll self esteem and self knowledge. i hated being seen or perceived due to things id been through, and still struggle with that now tbh. so when i look at the fuller version of myself im embodying today, the multiple ways ive put myself outside of my comfort zone, (and the versions of me i know are to come) i know that the first steps began with following my gut and taking that initial leap of faith that honoured the truth of who i felt myself to be, not the pattern id been following/living in.

2) that first step is important cause when what you do what matters to you, you gain a different willpower (aka passion) that fuels what you do and why you do it. i spent my whole childhood with e.d's and unable to consistently work out/find working out pleasurable. however once i built a relationship with myself and understood what a body was and why it deserved my respect, working out stopped being about the pressure to be a fine babe, and about desiring mobility, full function of my vehicle and longterm health. i say that to say, sometimes its not that your undisciplined, but that your trying hard at the wrong things. (an undisciplined or inconsistent person doesn't keep trying at things despite failing time and time again...). another way to look at it is — a goat is not meant to be a sheep, nor a sheep a goat. theres nothing wrong with being either, but you have to know which you are. (this takes us back to point one: are the things you put pressure on yourself to do/be/accomplish, authentic to you or are you imposing them of yourself because of pressure/expectation/superficial reasons). if its the later, you cannot wait till you have the answers to change the direction your moving in. you have to pivot, take the next step in the direction that feels purposeful and deeply honest to you, and trust that even though you cant see the whole path, the next step will be revealed as you continue to walk forward. the mental illness doesnt go away, but it fades as your tolerance increases. its not meant to be easy, if you can remember that then you'll be okay.

3) you dont have to do it perfectly. you just have to do it. over time, ive had routines w/ varying success. my overarching interests, goals/priorities are the same, but they fluctuate which means i can struggle with consistency and seeing things through (not cause i dont want to be consistent but i feel like i change so rapidly as a person that i almost forget why i set certain goals for myself and why building the routine/proficiency in skill was important to me in the first place). in this sense, its hard to accomplish a goal if you dont relate to the version of yourself you were when you set it. so part one to this point is, i have to use my quirks to my advantage. i know that i tend to cycle through my interests every 3 months ish. so, i set goals that can be accomplished in 3 month cycles rather than over the course of a year. in doing that i achieve small steps toward the larger, more diverse vision of my life i have for myself, meaning i could have one goal - lets say financial freedom - and 3 projects over the course of 9 months that feed into that goal. this works for me because i know i can sustain deep focus over the course of those three months and so will accomplish what ive set out to do. — but whats key for you, is that you find out what works for you. if you start to embrace your needs and what makes you different, you can also embrace the ways it makes you and your approach unique and innovative. rather than a hinderance or a source of 'why cant i be like/function like everyone else'. ——— that leads on to the second part, which is learning to carry the good with the bad. e.g. — whilst the way i fluctuate makes me multifaceted, it also means that one month im focused on art (my style) & reading, the next i might be on philosophy and writing, right before i get back to gardening and portrait practice, then cycle back to learning languages or an instrument. that level of commitment to multiple disciplines means what could take me 3 months to accomplish if i had a single minded focus, gets dragged out into a year long affair. lmty, its almost as frustrating to make slow progress as it is not to progress at all. so sometimes i feel like ive come so far only to have achieved the bare minimum. ive had to learn to appreciate that slow and steady approach (rather than chasing immediate perfection which leads to burn out) and be grateful for the fact that even though its taking long, at least im moving in the right direction. eventually ill learn the skill of expediting each of my processes, but right now this is where im at. extending that kind of grace and mercy to yourself is the biggest part of this all. because if i know im not good at structure, and im specifically struggling with it at this moment, maybe i dont need to hyper-fixate on having a morning routine right now. maybe for the next few months, its not about doing yoga the moment i wake up (even if i know thats best for me) maybe i just need to do yoga at 'unspecified time today'. maybe i dont need to sleep at 10pm. i can actually start work at 10pm, and go to sleep at 6 am. as long as i do yoga, as long as i go to sleep, as long i *insert task*, that is enough for right now. infact more than enough, its a victory. so, work on your own schedule and embrace it. trust that you've set goals and failed before but that you are still here and still committed to getting it right next time, which means you are a trustworthy person who can rely on themselves to show up for themselves. the more you practice not giving up, the smaller the gap between your ability to take action, which means the greater your ability to develop the skill of routine. perhaps not a conventional routine, but routine just means habit. over the course of your life, you are building the habit of not giving up. or of consistently coming back to & developing skills you wanna build. that is the desired outcome, not the structure of how you achieve that, but the fact that you have achieved some form of taking action consistently.

last thing i want to leave you with is the way i see and feel you. you could have asked me anything, you could have asked me nothing at all, but you chose to ask me about how to improve your situation. in that sense, your words have betrayed what your will and your desire is. the things we desire today, dictate the person we become tomorrow, and so i know without a doubt that its not a matter of if, but a matter of when you achieve these routines, their outcomes (& so much more, you cant even imagine whats on the other side). <3. it takes a very special kind of grit and resilience to fail and to try again. you inspire me and remind me of the qualities that make humans truly beautiful, truly necessary and truly precious. so dont give up, dont go under. none of this is meant to break you, just pull out what is inevitable to who you are and what you are meant to be. it is going to be hard, but you are not alone even when you are alone, and when you make it out the other end you become a testimony for others, (& evidence that they arent alone either). keep fighting, i believe in you, sending big love & a big hug xx-xx

[thedarkmistress16]

Tell us about your fav show! What gets you hooked? What makes it special? - What are the good and bad points of the show? The plus and minus? Something that you like and don't like (if there's any). - And lastly, your first impressions and expectations (before watching the shows), and your thoughts as the show goes. Is it different than what you expect? Surprisingly good? Is it okay-ish or perhaps, worse? Is it actually way better?

one of my faves is def cyberchase! Despite knowing it's for kids in elementary/just learning math, I always come back to binge the whole thing every now and again... at least until around season 6 or 7, lol.

Initial Intrigue

I think what gets me hooked about it is the va work- it feels like everyone has a personality and is having fun in their over-dramatic roles, making me want to continue watching to see and hear more of them.

What makes it special to me are the lessons/problem-solving techniques each episode provides for education purposes, believe it or not. They live rent-free in my brain in the sense that I can easily depict in my mind which episode I'm thinking about or want to watch just from the main math adventure alone. It helps that i've binged the show more than five times as an adult, XD. Also, I think the accompanying For Real segments are special too, as the real-world examples help drive home the lesson in your head and are almost just as prominent when trying to remember the episode for me.

General Aspects

The good parts, I think, are the writing of the characters and the setting of cyberspace. The kids, while they sound annoyingly expository at times because educational kids show, each of the main three have a personality that is shown through the mistakes they make, how they speak to each other when emotions and stress are high, and how they usually approach problems. I'll always remember matt is a sports kid because of that one scene in Whale of a Tale in which he corrected Glowla's addition by referring to friendly numbers and making a ballpark estimate. And that's just one instance. And for cyberspace, the way the sites exist gives many possibilities for future cybersites for the utmost creativity.

Some of the bad parts is that the show can get hand-holdy in explaining the math, leading to becoming annoyed when the answer is obvious and ends up being stretched out to pad the runtime, on top of when the show's formula stays the same. Speaking of, the show is a mix of episodic and continuing previously established continuity, and can lead to inconsistencies with characters and plotlines (par for the course on many shows to be fair). Sometimes this resets them and other times it's just plain stupid given the context of the show on a back-to-back viewing.

Personal Aspects

Now what I personally like about cyberchase is what I have mentioned above, but more about the characters rather than the lessons. The show's pretty batshit crazy and interesting depending on what episode you're on, and I think the tone is balanced well for dangerous leaps of faith and Matt making fun of Jackie's overly-dramatic ass. It feels like I'm in the adventure with them despite not being a character myself, as in feel the energy of the scene, and I think that's neat.

The thing I personally don't like is how the voices of the characters change over time because of the change in vas, but I can understand that- it just sucks as it takes away my immersion a bit on every rewatch. Also, I didn't mention the elephant in the room but it's an objectively awful thing about the show- or at the very least, majorly disliked by fans including me. I didn't specifically mention it, but it popped into your head, didn't it?

Later Expectations

While I don't remember what baby-faced me thought of the show at the time of first watching it, I can tell you my thoughts on catching up on a few season 9 episodes for the first time. I was def making fun of it in the first half, ngl. And then I was starting to remember the episodes, and realized I had already seen them before but forgot them. I think around the Digit food pyramid episode was where I was enjoying the writing to the point of laughing at varied points because of things I hadn't noticed before (but also because I had a new appreciation for healthy foods a while back and totally wanted to eat that salad when I saw it again). So despite that season not being about math (will always be butthurt about that), it was better than I expected on rewatch. Doesn't mean it was good, because I'd still watch the earlier seasons any day, but I wouldn't be upset at the thought of watching them again.

[happysmilebtr]

COLOURING BEFORE & AFTER TAG:

tagged by the lovely, kick butt and awesome sauce content maker @digitalgirls​ (thank you very much for the tag!) and another lovely mutual but for the life of me my peanut brain forgot who it was so thank you also to you too if you see this!

tagging (only if you want too!): @jinniebit​ @snug-gyu @soonhoonsol @woozification @seokmins @injunnies @chogiwapadada @jeonwonwoo

welp here you go guys! my poopy gif coloring lol. i haven’t giffed much as i just started 2ish years ago now(?) and i am now working a full time job so alas, i don’t have much to really show improvement but i do feel proud with some of my colorings and here are my top 5 (plus bonus two in the read more section hehe) i guess my coloring is more so with making things brighter if that makes sense? keeping things natural but bumping up the vibrance as you can see in certain gifs like the lights one for example. i do feel content with my giffing, granted the quality could be better but that is due to me using ezgif as a converter for making gifs on photopea (i know i can use vs but vs SCARES me like everyone that uses it? you guys are officially badass like gandalf in my books! i bow down to you all lol)

if anyone wants to hear more in depth thoughts of my coloring for each gif plus see the bonus ones that are too tiny to show in a normal gifset, readbelow but if not thank you for checking this out!

gif one: starting off with my proudest one of the bunch, this gif is from my baekhyun countdown series which you can view right here oh my when i say i am proud of this, i am SO proud of this. first of, this short video is pale, REALLY pale. more pale than casper the ghost lkdsalkjda so i struggled with making sure to not overdo the coloring where baekhyun is weirdly colored but making sure it’s no longer so bright ya know? with what i work with, i think i did a good job? it was during this series i started using a gradient map as well for my coloring and ya’ll....use gradient maps lol. i would have used them earlier but i had no clue how to well, use them as silly as that sounds! i found a tutorial on how someone used them and since then i use that. usually use brown to grey to make things neutral but also make sure skinetone is as natural as possible but of course that isn’t always the case, this is something i struggle with as you can probably tell so i am trying my best! overall, a very pretty gif coloring i think! simple but pretty!

gif two: ah yes....my og fav hehe. this was during the 17 days of 17 event that happened last year almost now and this was for of course, scoups day and i am proud of it still! granted, i would do things a tiny bit more differently even though this is just what, a 6ish months difference in giffing from the first gif? regardless, this one is my favorite and all because of one silly thing...the color changed background. as you can tell in the circle, the original was purple with the lightning background and i actually did save my coloring originally with this background still! however, i was playing around with coloring and by accident, just out of curiosity, i changed the color of the background and when i say i was super shocked...i was lol. in a good way of course! don’t ask me why but at the time, i just loved this small change. i thought it was so cool and it made me so excited so i kept it. could i have kept the purple? for sure, it bothered me to this day if i made the right call because a mutual of mine said the purple looked better against scoups skintone which i agree so it eats me to this day lol. (no ill feelings to my mutual! i liked having the feedback because sometimes that initial excitment sometimes isn’t the right call and i like being told the truth!)

gif three: another of my baekhyun gif series which again.....WHY DOES SM OR WHOEVER EDITS THESE VIDEOS, MAKE THINGS SO PALE!?!??! like bro....this one baekhyun IS truly casper the ghost dsaldasl. i managed to save him in this gif set but when i kept doing double takes myself when giffing, i always went “wait, is THIS how it originally looks!?” like i was so surprised with the coloring difference

gif four: featuring my queen, lights. the only non kpop gif lol. she is the reason i got into gif making actually! my first ever gifset is for her mv “prodigal daughter” (which yes you should all take a listen too just saying) so you can thank her for my gif making! this was from her i think 3rd mv, “in my head” which you can check out the gifset here! this is a perfect example of my coloring i think, the making things vibrant but keeping it somewhat natural and for me giffing this without gradient map i feel dang proud lol. it was either this gif or another one of lights but i went with this one instead to showcase i guess my usual coloring ya know?

gif five: and lastly a baekhyun gif once again. this one is originally meant to be with a pink coloring overlay and font as seen in the original gifset but i kept the original coloring because i liked how it turned out overall! i decided to switch things up with my editing by using unsharp mask and instead of using 30% i did 135% and kinda liked the result of it! i do admit, if you are someone like me and are stuck using ezgif, make SURE the file is super hq! while this does look nice, imo it looks better with good video quality when making the gifs as i did this setting for the last 4 gifsets of the baekhyun countdown and for ones like this one, it looks nice but some weren’t very high and you can tell it looks a bit meh. this is i think my current giffing editing and i feel proud of it! this one is very natural in coloring but everything is more “pop” if that makes sense, things are more defined than smooth, the neutral colors look lively, etc. 

BONUS:

you guys thought i would leave out these ones? oh no lol. so these two gfs are from my txt “good boy gone bad” mv and seventeen “hot” mv gifsets i made! i remember seeing this gifset style being HUGE back in late 2017ish up until 2019 if memory is correct by an old school content maker. i saw they had a tutorial on how they did their sets back then so i followed it and made my own for these mv’s and man i loved doing them. not only was the setting up the scenes to use was fun but finding the right font that fit the mv vibe was fun and of course, the coloring. for txt’s, there was alot of greens as you can see here and while i like me green, i wasn’t happy with just how dark and swampy it looked lol. i get it was the aesthetic in general but i wantted it to pop alot and thus the blue/purple tones in the overall gifset which i think looks really beautiful! then for hot, i didn’t plan on the pink coloring lol. i originally wanted to do the usuals, brighten and and make the colors pop out but by moving around to color the orange colors, it turned more pink so i went with it (you can see the difference towards the end of gif of how different the pink and orange are!) still my proudest coloring on both and still am proud for the “hot” as that was originally my top set with notes until somehow baekhyun and his doggo took over xD

[trayoftrinkets]

Trying to put into words certain thoughts about media consumption that has been floating around in my brain for quite some time now.

So... I think I can finally conclude that I am not cut out to watch dramas as they air.

I'm more of a binge-watch or watch three episodes a day kinda girly. Now, I did grow up watching telenovelas but maybe I got too much into movies or short form content or got too used to bingeing that I really cannot wait an entire week to watch the next episode. One reason for this is that I don't like losing continuity in my watching experience. I need that flow that bingeing offers.

I'd possibly be in an entirely different headspace by the time a week has passed which really disrupts my line of thought. I now understand that it is easier for some people to pick it back up after a week, but not for me.. it's really kinda hard. And once I've lost that continuity, it is quite hard for me to get back into it. Idek if this makes sense but that's how my brain works. For me, this has always been something obvious and thought it was like that for everyone but it doesn't work like that for many, I've realized.

Also , I think I need a sufficient amount of information to form opinions. I am a bit slow, and I have one too many questions than I have finalised observations. So, it's all half-baked opinions that drastically change over the course of my watching experience, and I refuse to ponder upon them for too long if they lack substance or does not appeal to me that much. I'm more focused on my final thoughts than the initial ones (though I do think it is interesting to note how your thinking process evolved over the course of the drama).

Also, I hate jumping to conclusions, and trying to predict what is going to happen next (but like, of course, I'll have a rough idea in my head but I won't think too much about it because I like learning things as they unfold, it gives me a sense of excitement to see the pieces fall into place on their own - AND THIS IS EASIER WHEN YOU'RE BINGEING SOMETHING BECAUSE YOU GET THE ANSWERS ALMOST IMMEDIATELY and won't keep you guessing), because personally, for me, that would make me quite biased. And I'm afraid I'd end up disappointed if the expectations in my head are not in line with what happens in reality. So, to be as objective as possible, I tend to remain as detached as possible. This is also one reason I do not even read reviews until I have completed watching/reading something. I'm easily influenceable, lol. And I leave that power to my closest oomfs.

And for me, personally, the important part is listening, in entirety (from beginning to the end), to what the Creators have to say before forming my own personal opinions. There is a story that is being told to me and I can hear that story in two ways: as it was intended by the storytellers, and my personal interpretation of the story. I feel like I need to find the perfect balance between the two to be able to come to a proper understanding. Therefore, I like watching things as they unfold, and I need the bigger picture, the final ending before I can say anything.

AND THAT SUCKS SO MUCH because I love interacting with fandoms and discussing stuff with people. I love reading theories, even though I try not to get invested too much. It is so sad that a show and its fandom is the most alive when it is airing but I won't be able to partake in any activities because my brain is built different, and my habits are not very flexible. I hope I can find a middle ground for this. I guess, this is one of the reason that I prefer Danmei fandoms over BL fandoms. Because people move onto the next show pretty quickly, but in case of danmei, the brainrot is often perpetual and ever-present.

[boldlyoptimisticobservation]

Brain dump sorry

This is my first post here, it's more for me. To empty my thoughts, I've heard it's good for your mind.

Less than an hour into my 29th birthday, I have never felt more lonely and lost. In some ways I feel lonelier than ever when I'm far from that physically. I feel that I'm constantly suffocated, lying to myself that I'm happy but it's not so simple. I feel massively privileged and lucky compared to how others are living in the world amongst all that's going on. Yet, I felt I had a greater purpose here. I grew into this young, confident, strong man who feared nothing. Nowadays, I'm far from that version of myself.

I think of my old version of myself a lot, the fun party goer, part of a football team, popular, lots of friends for that moment and I was constantly chasing my dreams. Finish my undergraduate, finish my masters it's the right thing to do. It's going to give me a fulfilling career, it will help me land a well earning job. Though I can't help but feel angry at my younger self for choosing such a stupid degree not once twice.

I chose Sport Science thinking I'd be working with athletes which would be so cool, while on my undergraduate course I quickly noticed how I wasn't actually that good at any of it, I felt at a disadvantage as I came from abroad and my knowledge was so behind compared to my peers, then I thought okay let's do a masters and specialise in something. So I study Nutrition, thinking it had a placement for work experience which would help me even further. I find myself now 5 years since graduating and I'm back to an entry level job.

I think this is where a lot of my unhappiness stems from, I was destined for more. I started off with a good role to begin with, with very good pay much more than my current salary. Then Covid-19 hit, so I lost that job after performing so so well. I found a remote role where I performed exceptionally apparently, it was a good entry role but with no progression clearly laid out at the time. I got offered a job at a university thinking this is it, this is my career path. I'm gonna become an academic, I will have all these publications and I will be a prestige name in my field (LOL), I can become a lecturer a very credible role. Few months into this research post I started to realise, just how much of an isolated job it was working on a review study. I went to the office so I can be around people but I just could not focus, my head was scrambled. I somehow managed survive for a while, people initially thinking I was doing well but this started to fade away. More or less for 3 or 4 months, I just could not perform my job. Initially my manager was supportive in terms of my inabilities but her attitude did change, understandably so. I was kind of hoping she'd be able to guide me past this barrier in my job but she couldn't. I ended up spending my time gambling, trading crypto and stupid shit like that. I'd head to campus but instead of going to the office I'd go to the library thinking it would help me focus, instead I felt no accountability so I did what I wanted, anything but my duties at work. It was such an isolated role, my manager would rarely check in and she was a super busy woman managing many research assistants and more. So I easily just went under the radar getting past with minimum progress in my role.

I was absolutely failing, I've never failed at something to this degree before. I'm clearly an academic person, I managed two degrees yet what the hell was going on? I needed help but I didn't know what in and so it became impossible to be helped. At the time my partner was pregnant and so this was weighing on me naturally, but I felt I had to change my circumstances and find a new role elsewhere. I applied optimistically for a PhD style role at a different university in a different topic. This time my manager was not as chill as my last one, I was hoping this would help me get my shit together. I lasted 3-4 months, my newborn child had just been born, many sleepless nights and I brought the same lack of ability from my last role to this one. So I ended up handing in my resignation just before my full enrollment in the PhD programme as I was quickly noticing my failure once again.

Now I'm back at that remote job before the academic roles, back at level 0 after 5 years from graduating. I'm now contemplating a career change entirely, I've gotten myself into stupid amount of debt from being reckless..

What happened to my old version of my self? I used to be so driven , a go getter and chase my dreams. Now I struggle to get out of bed, hardly exercise and see no prospects for my career going forward.

I have a son which brings me so much light, I will continue this later. I think writing some of this shit down helps.

#mentalhealth

[itshyuka]

Ok so about teaching, how did you end up being a teacher and was it something you have always wanted?

Cause for me, even though it is something I'm studying, I'm not 100% if it's what I want, I do wanna try though. Another thing is that I'm not exactly fresh out of high school, I graduated hs a few years ago and I wasn't the studious/diligent type and I feel very behind the others in my class, i feel like I'll need to study 10x more to be on the same page as they are.

Sorry for the rant, any advice you can share it's gonna be great!

You are so real for this and I totally understand!! Also, I'm so sorry for the long spiel below. I have a lot of thoughts about teaching.

By the end of this year, it would be 9 years since I graduated from high school. It’s my first year of teaching this year. Lots of first year teachers who are at my school are at different stages in life! So, don’t stress about that part.

I always knew I’d end up in education because I liked helping people learn things. But I initially wanted to become an accountant first and get “office experience” LOL 💀💀 COVID hit and I actually told myself why do I keep delaying the inevitable, so here I am! I also have so much patience - maybe not for little gremlins in elementary though…. but for immature teens navigating the drama of hs, any day. Because they can mostly be reasoned with (keyword: mostly) and I just love having conversations that I can relate with.

Oh god, I feel you on feeling behind bc I constantly felt stupid next to my big brained classmates. But can I be real with you? I use almost nothing I learnt at university in my current role. The learning happens in the classroom. The university course is just a box to tick, because once you have a class of your own it’s so different.

Teaching is a HARD career, I don’t want people to be disillusioned by the amount of holidays we get. The parents will probably suck (changes from school to school), the admin will suck, the bureaucracy will definitely SUCK. But I adore my kids even if they make me want to bang my head against the wall sometimes. I’m going to get nightmare kids in my career, but that comes with the job and I'll tackle that mountain when it comes.

My advice?

Create a support network of teacher friends in the same teaching area as you - these people are SO important to keeping you sane in this profession and it helps motivate you more!

It’s okay to not have a handle on everything and feeling like you’re behind. The best teachers aren’t always the smartest in the room (I don't know half of the content I teach... you become an expert at winging it really quickly)

Understand that you can’t help everyone. That’s the fastest way to burnout. My favourite advice from my coworker is that at the end of the day, these kids are the ones who go home with their results - you can only do so much.

Make the most out of the time you have in the classroom during your degree! (If you have any.) You may get lucky and have the most amazing mentors, but you may have rigid old mentors stuck in their ways. Study them, pick them apart. Find what teaching style you like, note down activities you found interesting, learn how teachers work with students and what their relationship is like. Get. Their. Resources. (with permission of course).

Resources are important, resources are life. Don’t be silly and work from scratch all the time. Build on what’s out there already! It’ll lessen the load significantly.

You will cry in this profession. It will be hard. Especially if you work in an area where teachers aren’t supported very well. But if you enjoy making a difference, big or small, you can do it (even if it's only for a few years or even longer)!

Keep cracking onward! If you don't end up liking teaching, that's okay. The nice thing about this profession is that there are a TON of transferable skills 💖

p.s. i'm a humanities/commerce teacher hehe i don't think many people will read to this part.

[babacontainsmultitudes]

Digging this one up because the second half of this (which I've copied below the line- don't bother reading the first half lol) is quite relevant again, and still more or less reflective of my general thoughts/theories on the Hero-centric stuff going on (granted of course this was written in a post episode 30 context so that does impact the focus here a bit). Which I suppose (other than taking a bit of a break from tumblr as I mentioned the other day) is why I haven't really felt much of a need to relay my own thoughts on the whole Oak family situation after ep. 35?

The new specifics regarding Hero's situation of course are quite heartbreaking, particularly considering the extent to which it still affects her today (and how it affected her relationship with Norm over all those years!). Of course, such a notion still coexists with the fact that, as others have pointed out, her situation is seemingly quite different now, and both twins have changed- perhaps quite immensely- as people and as parents. In Sparrow's case in particular, I have to admit it's a bit wild to me that *still after all this time* he seems to be the one taking the brunt of the blame, in spite of the fact that Lark was just as if not more responsible for Hero's abuse, Rebecca as we've now more or less had confirmed was also at least partially responsible (more on that in a sec), and Sparrow *from the very first scene of season 2* has consistently shown to be the most adamant on keeping not only his kids *but everyone else's kids* as far away from violence, and prophecies, and Willy (no I will never forget that Sparrow is the only person to have made a non-passive attempt to draw Scary away from Willy's influence), as he possibly can. Not as a negation of his part in Hero's abusive upbringing! But I think it's important to look at the full picture here.

I suppose now furthering some of the thoughts I expressed on Rebecca in some of the snippets copied below, the most recent (dance dance) revelations from what Hero had to say do seem to suggest/confirm (as other's have mentioned) that Rebecca did know about the prophecy. To be honest with you this is the scenario I was hoping for, since as initially suggested (below) I think the chosen one thing makes a lot of sense out of why Lark would have slept with Rebecca in the first place, but honestly I'm only comfortable with that scenario if Rebecca was complicit in the matter, and I think the notion just makes much more sense that way anyways. It's particularly believable now, given how easily persuaded she's proven to be in recent episodes!

As I initially stated, however, I am still of the opinion that all the spouses have undergone memory loss, rather than this being Rebecca "playing dumb" or something to that effect. Just seems to make more sense to me tbh, especially given what we know about code purple and the mass memory loss effects issued there. The fucked up fact of the matter is, Rebecca might not even remember that she cheated on Sparrow in the first place. Something something Sparrow screaming "because you're not gonna remember!" lives rent free in my brain oh gosh oh geez. In Rebecca's case as well, however, I don't think we can jump the gun on the degree of her involvement either. Yes, even if she slept with Lark for prophecy reasons, that says nothing of whether or not she actually understood what that meant for Hero, nor of whether or not she was actually all that aware of Hero's training, or if Lark and Sparrow hid that from her the way they did Norm.

WELP THIS ENDED UP BEING WAY LONGER THAN I MEANT IT TO BE OOPS OOPS OOPS but that's the bulk of my current thoughts lol (couple with the older stuff from the original post down below!). 💜

----------------------------------------------------------

[...]

Hero being the chosen one, not Normal, gives Normal an opportunity to learn (or at least start to learn) that his perceived prerequisites for love (of himself) are false. Normal doesn't have to be the hero of the story. He doesn't have to be a hero. He doesn't have to be Hero, it's enough to just be Normal.

Sooooo... I think it's pretty ironic that... Upon learning that Hero is the chosen one.... So many people have jumped the gun and assumed that this means... Sparrow doesn't love Normal.

HAHA THAT'S RIGHT THIS WAS ABOUT SPARROW ALL ALONG YOU THOUGHT I WAS DONE TALKING ABOUT THIS MAN NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER

But seriously, wow, it pains me sometimes how little faith people have in Sparrow. Hero is "the chosen one"... So every single time Sparrow has relayed how much he loves Norm goes down the drain?? At a most basic level folks, your child can be unplanned and still be loved, actually. Some might even say that that's... normal.

But do you get what I'm trying to say here? The assumptions much of the fandom has made about Sparrow and his love exactly reflect the toxic trains of thought that will probably be plaguing Normal's mind and feeding into his insecurities as the whole Hero thing develops?? And these insecurities (and again false prerequisites for love) are exactly what Normal needs help working through???

But let's move away from the Norm side of things a little bit, cause the assumptions being made about Sparrow currently are much more vast than this.

Let's make something clear. We don't know Sparrow's side of the story. We don't know Lark's side of the story. And of course, we don't know Rebecca's side either. We don't know if Rebecca did or didn't know about the prophecy. It seems that at this point in time, the spouses have had their memories erased. *Not necessarily* the case, but I genuinely can't fathom a scenario in which Cassandra somehow doesn't notice that the father of her child is always kind of a little bit on fire- and conspiracy theorist Rebecca to me also might hint at the fact that at some earlier point in time she would have known more about what's going on? But that's purely speculation, obviously.

So why are we suddenly so sure of Sparrow's intentions, feelings, and *role* in bringing Hero into the world?

I... Well I've been reluctant to bring this up even though the notion has been an itch in my mind since yesterday, but eventually you see enough upsetting Sparrow posts that someone needs to step up and offer something new I guess.

So... Allow me to suggest that, Sparrow being against the idea of having a child purely to fulfill a prophecy, and refusing to partake, actually makes *more* sense.

Most especially, if Sparrow was adamantly against going through with such a plan, we now have the most sound and in-character reason so far to explain... Why Lark slept with Rebecca.

(*gasp*)

As I see it anyways! Because, yeah, it's always felt like a weird elephant in the room, and I don't really feel satisfied with the existing theories at all! Someone with as strong as a resolve as Lark sleeps with the wife of the person who means more to him than anyone cause... He was horny? Or maybe as part of some strange convoluted ploy to push Sparrow away? I'm not saying these aren't still valid possibilities, and I'm not saying that this theory I'm proposing is what happened, really it's an assumption based on an assumption, but nevertheless I think it would make a lot of sense honestly.

(More specifically, what I'm suggesting is Sparrow not wanting to go through with the plan, Lark seeing it as a necessary evil to deal with the Doodler- and we know how hellbent Lark is on dealing with the Doodler, and accordingly "doing what needed to be done", as he is one to do, of course at Sparrow and at least in theory Hero's expense.)

This would also make sense of a lot of Sparrow's more extreme behaviors towards Normal, particularly the question of his name. Through this lens, it was perhaps an affront towards Lark (and possibly Rebecca??), an assertion to the effect of "no, you will not do this again, this child will not be doomed to be a hero". This, or something less aggressive but in a similar vein.

Of course this puts Normal and Sparrow at fundamental odds with one another! Er, despite being so very very similar which isn't what this post is about but still... Anyhoo, yes, there is an important conflict at play here, wherein Normal, as we discussed earlier, sees being the hero (the chosen one, what have you) as the only way to solve love, to be loved- and Sparrow who, more than anything else, doesn't want anymore heroes in the family, because he loves his family, and what happened with Henry... Can't happen again.

Normal, Sparrow, and something about heroes

Y'all it's so difficult to write ANYTHING lol fuck... But yeah yeah definitely got some post ep. 30 thoughts. Do need to start with some explanations/clarifications on my general stance regarding Normal which is mostly for the mutuals LOL and they know that so if things appear to lack a bit of context on that front well that's why.

There are some things regarding Norm where I lowkey almost don't want to say anything because I'm sooooo wishy washy myself ahahaha and I feel like I'm definitely gonna end up writing some stuff here and be like "ehhhhhh" later on but what can you do what can you do.

I guess I can at least start by saying that when I say that like, Norm can be self-centered, or prideful, or something to that effect, I am *definitely* not trying to say like "this negates Norm's compassion" or that like, Norm needs to be made to feel bad about that? I hope I'll be able to explain what I mean properly here but, a lot of my feelings regarding Norm's more negative traits do genuinely come from a place of concern for him??

Yes I think Norm can be self-centered, yes I think it comes from a place of loneliness and insecurity, yes I think it bleeds into his actions in a way that can negatively impact both himself and those around him, and yes I think that all of these things make him very very VERY similar to Scary... Is my general stance atm but let me, let me *try* to explain what all that means for me LOL.

I think Norm is a good person. I don't think he's *the most* empathetic or selfless or kind character we've seen in the show, but I also don't think he needs to be, or ever will need to be. He has a good heart (all the teens do, yes that includes Scary, fight me), he *does* care about other people very much, and like the other teens his frustrations are valid and generally pretty justified!

But I think Norm is someone who, perhaps pretty fundamentally, requires a pretty high level of external validation and social acceptance to feel loved, has generally gone most of his life not having that need met outside of his immediate family, and is pretty all-or-nothing and rejection-sensitive when it comes to this validation. I don't think Norm is a bad person for any of these traits (at all), even if it can impact his interactions with others negatively at times. No, above all else, these traits lead me to feel quite concerned and altogether just kinda sad for Norm.

And that's where things get a bit messy. On the one hand, Norm *is* a kind person, with good intentions, and even when I feel most frustrated with his actions, I don't take them as coming from a place of malice or ill-intent. But Norm wants to feel loved so bad, and his conditions for feeling loved (as aforementioned) are very difficult to meet, so, yes, (I do personally feel that) Norm often does, largely without knowing, prioritize this endless search for validation over other things, and having this at the forefront of his mind so frequently does inhibit his ability to truly connect with the people around him and (in many cases) actually *empathize* with them.

The difference- the difference for me between Normal and Linc with regards to Scary isn't whether or not they *care* about Scary. Even if it's a bit old now, I didn't write a whole thing on Normal/Scary and Sparrow/Lark parallels because I don't think Norm cares about Scary. Normal has *absolutely* put a tremendous amount of effort into trying to keep Scary around, to disappointing results that are justifiably frustrating for him. Normal and Linc both care about Scary, the difference for me, and what I just find so spectacular about Linc compared to all the other teens here, is that Linc goes *beyond* himself when he breaks the pic. He's not the first person to care about or try to help Scary, he's just the first person to do so in the way that she actually needs- because his general selflessness allows him to be the first person to actually *understand* Scary. He's not the first person to feel *for* her, he's the first person to feel *with* her. That is... Well I guess that is also to say that when I use the word "empathy" I mean it fairly precisely.

Which also isn't... I'm not trying to knock Normal (or Taylor) in saying this btw. The teens ALL have their strengths and weaknesses, and this was simply a moment that brought out one for Linc and another for Norm (vice versa can has and will be true at other points in time). Normal not being able to do what Linc did here is not something I'm trying to hold against him. With regards to their argument, I genuinely think that they both have plenty of reason to be upset, and ultimately it's all just one big misunderstanding. Still, I do personally think that much of why Norm is so upset with Linc in this scene has not so much to do with Scary nor with the Doodler- but is in fact at least in part Norm feeling rejected by Linc (invalidated, unloved, etc.), and acting out accordingly. Additionally, I think these feelings get in the way of Norm actually being able to understand and appreciate why Linc did what he did. They were both hurt, they both lashed out. I'm not trying to gloss over Linc's part in this either, I'm not saying one of them was right and the other was wrong or that one was mean and the other wasn't, but from what I've seen at least it seems people are almost unanimously siding with Norm on this one without much consideration for the points Linc actually makes here, choosing instead to focus solely on what *Linc's* hurt caused him to say (without acknowledging of course that in Linc's case too it comes from a place of hurt), and that much is a bit frustrating for me admittedly.

I wouldn't have expected or wanted Norm to behave any differently in this scene than he did. I think everything about Norm's behavior makes perfect sense for where he's at, and "where he's at", for me, isn't "selfish kid who doesn't care about other people" it's "scared kid who feels rejected and alone". That said, I think if Norm wants to get any better he, like all the teens, needs to start introspecting a bit more and work on himself.

And when I say that, I'm not saying "Norm is prideful and needs to be more humble" I'm saying, Norm needs to get to a place where he can feel loved, and allow himself to be loved, without it being so all or nothing.

Enter Hero!!! The chosen one! I kinda don't get why some people are just seeing this as Anthony trying to bully Norm rather than a very important opportunity for growth!!!

This feels like a point that could be easily misconstrued, so I'll try to be careful? When I say that Hero being the chosen one is an opportunity for Norm to grow as a person, I am NOT saying in becoming more humble or something like that?? Normal's pride isn't his fatal flaw, it's an afterthought of it, a manifestation of it, a defense mechanism vis a vis his fundamental insecurities, if you will.

Normal, as I see him, is convinced that he will only ever be loved, that he will only ever have "solved" love, when he is validated in absolutes. When he is the most popular boy in school who is friends with everybody. When he's the hero of the story. When he's the chosen one. If part of him sees himself as being without flaw (or the best part of teen high or whatever), it's not because he's some arrogant little brat, it's because he can't imagine himself as being lovable unless he is perfect. He isn't selfish for feeling this way, but from an outside view I think it's fairly easy to say that if Normal continues down that path, he's never going to get where he needs to go.

Hero being the chosen one, not Normal, gives Normal an opportunity to learn (or at least start to learn) that his perceived prerequisites for love (of himself) are false. Normal doesn't have to be the hero of the story. He doesn't have to be a hero. He doesn't have to be Hero, it's enough to just be Normal.

Sooooo... I think it's pretty ironic that... Upon learning that Hero is the chosen one.... So many people have jumped the gun and assumed that this means... Sparrow doesn't love Normal.

HAHA THAT'S RIGHT THIS WAS ABOUT SPARROW ALL ALONG YOU THOUGHT I WAS DONE TALKING ABOUT THIS MAN NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER

But seriously, wow, it pains me sometimes how little faith people have in Sparrow. Hero is "the chosen one"... So every single time Sparrow has relayed how much he loves Norm goes down the drain?? At a most basic level folks, your child can be unplanned and still be loved, actually. Some might even say that that's... normal.

But do you get what I'm trying to say here? The assumptions much of the fandom has made about Sparrow and his love exactly reflect the toxic trains of thought that will probably be plaguing Normal's mind and feeding into his insecurities as the whole Hero thing develops?? And these insecurities (and again false prerequisites for love) are exactly what Normal needs help working through???

But let's move away from the Norm side of things a little bit, cause the assumptions being made about Sparrow currently are much more vast than this.

Let's make something clear. We don't know Sparrow's side of the story. We don't know Lark's side of the story. And of course, we don't know Rebecca's side either. We don't know if Rebecca did or didn't know about the prophecy. It seems that at this point in time, the spouses have had their memories erased. *Not necessarily* the case, but I genuinely can't fathom a scenario in which Cassandra somehow doesn't notice that the father of her child is always kind of a little bit on fire- and conspiracy theorist Rebecca to me also might hint at the fact that at some earlier point in time she would have known more about what's going on? But that's purely speculation, obviously.

So why are we suddenly so sure of Sparrow's intentions, feelings, and *role* in bringing Hero into the world?

I... Well I've been reluctant to bring this up even though the notion has been an itch in my mind since yesterday, but eventually you see enough upsetting Sparrow posts that someone needs to step up and offer something new I guess.

So... Allow me to suggest that, Sparrow being against the idea of having a child purely to fulfill a prophecy, and refusing to partake, actually makes *more* sense.

Most especially, if Sparrow was adamantly against going through with such a plan, we now have the most sound and in-character reason so far to explain... Why Lark slept with Rebecca.

(*gasp*)

As I see it anyways! Because, yeah, it's always felt like a weird elephant in the room, and I don't really feel satisfied with the existing theories at all! Someone with as strong as a resolve as Lark sleeps with the wife of the person who means more to him than anyone cause... He was horny? Or maybe as part of some strange convoluted ploy to push Sparrow away? I'm not saying these aren't still valid possibilities, and I'm not saying that this theory I'm proposing is what happened, really it's an assumption based on an assumption, but nevertheless I think it would make a lot of sense honestly.

(More specifically, what I'm suggesting is Sparrow not wanting to go through with the plan, Lark seeing it as a necessary evil to deal with the Doodler- and we know how hellbent Lark is on dealing with the Doodler, and accordingly "doing what needed to be done", as he is one to do, of course at Sparrow and at least in theory Hero's expense.)

This would also make sense of a lot of Sparrow's more extreme behaviors towards Normal, particularly the question of his name. Through this lens, it was perhaps an affront towards Lark (and possibly Rebecca??), an assertion to the effect of "no, you will not do this again, this child will not be doomed to be a hero". This, or something less aggressive but in a similar vein.

Of course this puts Normal and Sparrow at fundamental odds with one another! Er, despite being so very very similar which isn't what this post is about but still... Anyhoo, yes, there is an important conflict at play here, wherein Normal, as we discussed earlier, sees being the hero (the chosen one, what have you) as the only way to solve love, to be loved- and Sparrow who, more than anything else, doesn't want anymore heroes in the family, because he loves his family, and what happened with Henry... Can't happen again.

[fallencrowkarma]

I haven't even seen Dainsleif in the quest yet but man do i got some thoughts about him. Maybe my thoughts will change a little once i know more. Maybe

Nsfw utc minors/ageless Blogs DNI

Just. Pure fluff, barely even smut lmao

Okay No Like. listen. As much as i love soft dom Dain (personally i can't see him as a hard dom in most scenarios) I'm just thinking about soft domming him. I'm a very soft dom, i like treating my partner nice and praise them and be gentle with them and i think that is something Dain really needs. He's so touch-starved and love-starved (Same hat lol) i just imagine after he finally opens up to you in an intimate way he'll need to be treated with care. He's so far out of his comfort zone, he hasnt been this close to anyone in hundreds of years. But he trusts you with his life and allows you to see him in such a vulnerable way.

Caress him with feather light touches, give him gentle kisses all over, reassure him and praise him. And most importantly look at him. I feel like eventhough he's really flustered and a little shy he really needs the eye contact, even if it's just occasional glances. He needs you to see him and accept him in every single moment, exactly as he is. He needs the emotional connection.

Being treated like he's someone precious and worth loving will break the last of his walls. Brush and kiss his tears away and tell him how loved he is. Once he is ready to go further don't rush it. Slow and careful, worship every little part of his skin, especially any... marks he has. He loves it when you give him little kisses and nuzzles and then look up at him. Even when you reach up to kiss him, somehow it's never too rough, even when it's clear what you both want so desperately.

Start slow and jerk him off first, slow and steady as to not overwhelm him. He's not used to this but with the way he is losing himself in everything about you, he wishes he will be soon. The pleasure mixed in with your scent, touches, words and your love is so different from the usual pain and guilt, you can't blame him for not holding it together. Don't deny him or give him too much for now, give him exactly what he needs and let him come down from the blissful high, never letting go of him. Keep him as close as you can, especially while he's still feeling floaty and safe.

Yea <3 It's almost midnight so this is a bit of a mess but i'm not sorry ehe

[true-blue-megamind]

Do you think metro man knows hes an alien?

FAN THEORY... Um... SUPPOSITION SUNDAY? – Does Metroman Know He’s Alien?

Well, I have to apologize for being weeks late yet again. Although I try to take life one day at a time, recently my days have been forming gangs and jumping me in large numbers when I least expect it. I am seriously considering changing the name of these posts to “Fan Theory Sometime Eventually.” LOL. In the meantime, however, here, at last, is a new Megamind fan theory blog article! Enjoy!

Please note that I’ve previously written about portions of this on another site, so it’s possible portions of this post may be familiar to some. I have, however, expanded upon it.

And finally, even though, whenever I say this, the Blue Defender himself threatens to send his most destructive brainbots to my home with the information that their favorite wrench has been hidden somewhere in the walls… SPOILER WARNING!

This may, at first, seem like a bit of an obvious question, but the more I thought about it, the more I began to wonder. Does Metroman know he’s extraterrestrial? We have absolutely no evidence that he is aware of his birthplace. In fact, after a little research, I began to realize that it may be possible that, despite his superpowers, he could believe he’s human. What do I mean? Let’s take a look!

Of course, anyone who has seen the film is already aware that Megamind and Metroman share a similar origin story. Both are refugees, and as far as we know the sole survivors, from two different alien planets destroyed by a black hole. It’s clear that Megamind remembers leaving his home as he is the one who narrates the story of his early life, but that doesn’t necessarily mean Metroman would as well.

It's important to remember that the blue man’s species obviously possesses incredibly advanced mental faculties while there’s no evidence that his former nemesis’ people were the same. Although not stupid, Metroman certainly lacks Megamind's genius. Could he lack his early-developed memory as well? Furthermore, the former hero is far closer to natives of Earth in appearance; could there be other similarities too? If, indeed, Metroman's brain functions are similar to that of a human, it's likely he would not be able to remember his homeworld. (How many of us can recall anything that occurred when we were infants?)

That, however, is not the only reason to suppose that Metroman might not realize he is extraterrestrial. Keep in mind that the movie Megamind is, among other things, a parody of DC Comics, especially Superman. This means two things. Firstly, like the DC universe, presumably there are other superheroes in existence. After all, in the original script, there were going to be other supervillains in Metro City, some of which had extraordinary powers. There is also the fact that, after Megamind’s first fight with Titan, the mayor readily welcomed the latter as their “new hero.” Clearly the idea that another superhero might show up was not entirely unexpected, and that would not likely have been the case if Metroman had been the only one known to be on Earth. By extension of this logic, it is not unreasonable to suppose that the former hero may have believed himself to be a human with unusual abilities.

Secondly, the former hero himself is a direct spoof on the character Superman. In fact, the writers of the original script even explained during an interview with Comic Book Movies that they were initially inspired by the question: “what would happen if Lex Luthor defeated Superman?” It can, therefore, be safely assumed that there would be some notable similarities between Metroman and the Man of Steel. Indeed, this seems to be the case. The two share the same basic origin story, the same human-like appearance, and many of the same powers. In the earlier script, then called Mastermind, Metroman, similar to his DC counterpart Clark Kent, even has another name: Wayne Scott. If this pattern holds true, then it's possible that Metroman may not have remembered where he came from.

Why do I say that? Because it certainly seems that Superman initially did not, although he learned when he grew older. In several of the comics, such as the 1986 edition "Man of Steel," Superman's adoptive parents tell him about his true origin after he graduates from high school. The question, then, becomes whether Metroman’s Earth family would have done the same.

Several weeks ago, when I first received this question, I posted about it on a fan theory Reddit page to get some feedback from others, and many seems to agree with my own assumption that it does not seem very probable. After all, their respective adoptive families are one aspect in which Superman and Metroman most certainly differ. Indeed, despite their similarities, the two are raised very differently. The former finds a home with a hardworking, morally-upstanding farm couple while the latter is taken into a wealthy household and essentially raised to be a spoiled rich boy.

Furthermore, while Ma and Pa Kent clearly try to do what is best for their son, Lord and Lady Scott seem to notably lack the strong family bonds and selfless love displayed by their counterparts. Lady Scott readily believes that her husband would simply leave an infant for her under the Christmas tree, no more than another item among a pile of presents, which does not bode well for her insight or her empathy. She immediately dotes on her new baby boy while her husband appears distant and disinterested. (He never even bothers to look up from his newspaper.) This plays into one of the film’s major themes, Nature Versus Nurture, and could explain why, unlike mild-mannered and basically good Superman, Metroman seems to be rather arrogant and self-centered. After all, he basks in public admiration, throws babies around to show off, and abandons people who need him to start a music career.

If the circumstances of his upbringing are to blame for those behaviors, it makes Metroman oddly sympathetic. In some ways he is as much a victim of poor child-rearing and early expectations as Megamind himself. That, however, is another subject for another post.

What concerns us now is the fact that all of this information presents the only evidence available to determine what sort of people Metroman's Earth parents are. If they are more selfish and less honorable than the Kents, as seems to be the case, then whether they chose to inform Wayne about his origins would likely be based upon self-serving reasons.

This is a vital point because, as mentioned before, Lady Scott appears elated to have a baby to call her own while Lord Scott hardly seems to notice the boy’s presence at all. Neither would lead viewers to believe they would be eager to inform their son of his apparent extraterrestrial origins. (Indeed, to be fair, even if they had wanted to tell their son where he came from, it doesn’t seem likely that they would be able to tell him any more than that he arrived in what looked to be a spacecraft.) Furthermore, because Wayne Smith appears to be an only child, as far as we know, it's doubtful whether doting Lady Scott would want her sole son to know that he wasn't really hers. As for Lord Scott, it doesn't seem likely he would care enough to bother.

Finally, there are people's reactions to worry about. Lady Scott would probably want to protect her only child, and that might have meant keeping the truth about his extraterrestrial origins a secret. Megamind is obviously alien, and most of the humans around him seem to have a problem with that. He's ostracized in school, of course, but adults don't appear any more comfortable with his inhuman appearance. This post by Demishock takes the time to transcribe the Hometown Boy Makes Bad newspaper article appearing in the movie's title sequence. In that clipping, the prison warden both states that "hardened criminals" are afraid of Megamind and says: "It's not like he's a normal kid... I mean, have you gotten a good look at his gigantic blue head? I don't know where you come from, but where I come it's just not right."

This makes it yet more improbable that Lord and Lady Scott would tell Metroman where he came from. Aside from any other personal reasons, they might well view it as potentially problematic for both themselves and their son. Clearly, many citizens of Metro City are decidedly not alright with having an extraterrestrial among them, and that could be another possible reason why Metroman's adoptive parents might hide the truth. Even if we give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they did grow to love Wayne, they might still be unlikely to tell him that he arrived from space for fear of seeing him endure the same biases as Megamind. Letting their son believe that his powers had come from a genetic mutation, lab accident, or some other source might seem infinitely preferable, especially if, as many suspect, the Smiths wouldn’t want anything hurting his social standing and, by extension, their own. After all, Wayne Smith looks human enough to be accepted. It seems unlikely that the doubtlessly affluent and influential Smiths would counteract that knowing that it could make their golden boy a pariah.

So, does Metroman know that he’s an alien? There is not sufficient evidence to answer that question with certainty, but it does appear plausible that he might not. At any rate, there are enough hints in the film to lend significant weight to the fan theory that he spent many years believing himself to be human. That, of course, has opened the door to a plethora of related theories: did Megamind recognize the city’s only other alien and try to tell him where he was from? Did young Wayne reject the idea, and could that be a part of why he was so keen on bullying the blue boy? Was the final realization that he wasn’t who he thought he was part of what propelled Metroman into the midlife crisis that led him to abandon heroism altogether? We may never know, but if any evidence exists, you’ll probably see it someday in another Fan Theory Thursday. Until then, I hope you enjoyed reading this one! I’ll see you next time!

[institute-of-planar-shitposts]

ALRIGHT STORY TIME!! (Under a readmore cause. It's a lot lol Also for those who are here from my initial ask, feel free to ask questions about anything you don't know, whether it's about the adventure zone or Sunshine!)

So! Like mentioned in the ask, I've got most of the story mapped out and have up to Crystal Kingdom written, and I just got through the Cosmoscope scene in that, so I'm really close to finishing it and starting the Eleventh Hour. I have an arc dedicated to the relic she made, which I've titled "twists and turns," and I have various other scenes written. Eleventh Hour is probably the arc that will either take me ages or will be among the shortest because I genuinely have no idea what I'm gonna do for it. I'm sort of relistening to Balance as I go, so I'll probably get some ideas from that.

All that aside, let's start off with the first in what I'm planning to post once I'm closer to finishing: here there be gerblins! Or rather, what takes place instead of that. See, like I mentioned before, the life Sunshine ends up living is a traveling performer, so she doesn't adventure for a living pre-Bureau. Lucretia finds her after a performance and manages to persuade her to join, mostly with the promise of having somewhere she can go back to, which is something Sunshine misses.

Her job details at the start are mostly just to help Johann take care of the Voidfish and perform at events when they happen. She and Johann become friends with how much time they tend to spend together, and she also becomes friends with various other people in the Bureau. This is how she initially meets Taako, Merle, and Magnus. Having to do the Rite of Remembrance is probably her least favorite thing about her job, since it means everyone has to work that much harder and also just for the loss of life.

She eventually becomes a Seeker after talking to a few about the relic they were trying to find, and helping them connect clues they hadn't previously thought were connected. After Leeman Kessler is murdered trying to get the Oculus back to the Bureau, the Director decides to send her with the boys so they have someone to act as a diplomat. Not much else changes for Murder on the Rockport Limited.

For Petals to the Metal, she is again absent, but also not totally. The Director this time has a different mission for her: to find whoever is trying to link the missing, forgotten persons back to the Bureau. This ends up with Sunshine going to Goldcliff with Carey, and they find the culprit pretty much by accident, who is of course Angus. They help him look into a different disappearance while they're there, which also uncovers a little bit of what happened to Sunshine during the long decade everyone was apart. After that's all said and done, Sunshine manages to convince the Director to hire Angus, though mostly because she offered to be more or less his mentor in the process.

In Crystal Kingdom, she's invited to the Reclaimer's Candlenights party, and after a comment that was meant to be a joke, she ends up getting sent to the lab with them, though this time less as a diplomat and more to be the brains, since the Director says she's not sure what exactly is in the lab. Things are mostly the same, though she does actually manage to find a non-Bureau related question to stump Hodge-Podge. Taako still asks the Bureau one. She's also pretty fucking pissed about the bugbears' situation and literally punches Lucas over it (sort of; that was the breaking point more than anything.) They also find out pretty quickly that there's something weird up with her and the music that echoes through the crystals, because every time it starts, she ends up singing. I have yet to fully finish writing this arc as mentioned, but she and magic Brian have a bit of a conversation before the fight, and neither he nor Jenkins intentionally aim at her. Maarvy though gives no shits, since they never met.

As far as the Eleventh Hour goes, I don't have much planned. I know exactly what the Chalice shows her and even have that scene written out, as well as some of the scene with Istus and a little bit with Barry at the end. Like I said, I'll probably figure things out better when I get here in my relisten.

Finally we get to her own relic with the arc I'm dubbing Twists and Turns! It actually starts off with Sunshine going to talk to the Director about officially becoming a Reclaimer for several different reasons, to which Lucretia says they'll talk about it after the next mission, which all but confirms that Sunshine is going to become one. Because I'm a sucker for a good ball arc, they have to crash a ball in secret, which is definitely going to have mixed degrees of success. To actually retrieve the relic, though, they're challenged by the wielder to try and get through their garden's maze. Since Sunshine's relic is mostly focused on Enchantment magic, the four get hit with quite a few different spells, and in the end, I've planned that they'll have to fight each other and the wielder as well. They do succeed, but there's some decent damage done - Sunshine especially is gonna take a pretty big chunk of psychic damage. The interlude between this arc and the Suffering Game is gonna focus on that, and it might actually be longer than just the one chapter or so I've had written for the ones up to CK.

Which leads us perfectly into the aforementioned Suffering Game! I haven't plotted it out beat for beat, but I do know that Arms Outstretched is changed just a bit with her being there. Magnus still gets into the mannequin body and Edward still gets the shit beaten out of him by Lup, and Barry still helps out and works with them on getting back into the Bureau.

Reunion Tour is again something I haven't super considered. I've started the beginning for it a bit, mostly because Barry is there and they're traveling and talking to him a bit, but I haven't gotten everything written. I do know that this is the point where we learn the most about Sunshine, aside from Stolen Century.

And speaking of which, I've barely scratched the surface for SC. I've got the beginning written with the whole introduction interview and I'm planning on getting to the bar scene soon, since sometimes I want to try and get the century mapped out to help inform the rest of it. I have a general plan for the played-through cycles, including that Lucretia and Sunshine learn ballet and do a sort of duet version of the Dying Swan (which. Honestly any variation of is gorgeous and I highly recommend seeing literally Anyone perform that solo) and end up being the only two left for the judge world, mostly because I really want to explore how two pretty similar people can go through the same experiences and how it can change them in entirely different ways, as well as a little thing for the year before that. I haven't given the beach world much thought, but that will probably also be something I write as a sort of change of pace moment.

And finally I honestly have got jack shit for Story and Song other than just like. She helps out with the fight, cause that's about 2/3rds of the arc. I've also been entertaining different ideas for what she does after everything is said and done, but I haven't settled on one specific thing yet.

If you have any questions about anything or everything, my inbox is always always open! I love her and talking about her and I want Everyone to know about her :)

HELL YEAH SOMEWHERE ELSE I CAN INFODUMP ABOUT SUNSHINE!!!

OK so hi hello, I'll tag my related blog at the bottom since that's where I talk about her and what franchise she's in so anyone who's interested can check out the things I've got for her there

Starting off! Her full name is Sunshine Fairfield and she's a half-elf sorcerer-bard in the world of DnD podcast The Adventure Zone. She's an eighth bird, which for those who haven't listened to the podcast means that she's a part of a group of people who ended up in a sort of universe-hopping time loop for 100 years. They ended up separated in the last universe and year... 101 I think? Due to a choice one of them made that resulted in almost all of them losing memory of the century and each other. A few of them ended up leading normal lives, but some of them had complications with that. I could go super super in depth with this just because of how much I love the Adventure Zone, but for the sake of the character limit, that's essentially the long story short for how it all starts out.

I'm in the process of writing a whole story for her and I've almost finished the Crystal Kingdom arc, for those who know. What I haven't written, I've at least mapped out, though the Eleventh Hour arc is kind of an exception and so are some parts of Stolen Century.

As some basic information on Sunshine herself, like I mentioned she's a half-elf sorcerer-bard with emphasis on the bard part. At the time of the story starting, she's in about her thirties, and the life she ends up leading in their last universe is one of a traveling performer, using her magic to help with special effects.

If or when this gets posted, I'll reblog from @institute-of-planar-shitposts to kinda lay out what parts of the story I have written and talk about what I haven't yet. I'm always happy to answer questions about her, and my pinned has some links to things related to her that I have here on tumblr. It should include her tag - I'm actually going to check that and make sure. Thanks for reading!

thank you for sharing!!